Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,046 --> 00:00:01,276
I don't care.
(overlapping arguing)
2
00:00:01,351 --> 00:00:02,554
No, but I don't care.
3
00:00:02,588 --> 00:00:04,092
And I'm trying to help
people out over here.
4
00:00:04,126 --> 00:00:05,999
No, okay, you know what,
Jaqueline?
5
00:00:06,033 --> 00:00:07,236
No, I don't know. What?
6
00:00:07,271 --> 00:00:09,239
You need to think about
yourself sometimes,
7
00:00:09,274 --> 00:00:10,574
before you start
insinuating yourself
8
00:00:10,609 --> 00:00:11,809
in other people's business.
9
00:00:11,843 --> 00:00:13,681
Well, you know what,
Deenyce?
10
00:00:13,715 --> 00:00:15,118
I'm gonna insinuate myself
11
00:00:15,153 --> 00:00:16,321
whenever and wherever
I please,
12
00:00:16,355 --> 00:00:18,056
'cause it's
a free country, bitch.
13
00:00:18,091 --> 00:00:19,858
(all) Ooh.
14
00:00:19,893 --> 00:00:20,859
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
15
00:00:20,894 --> 00:00:22,093
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
16
00:00:22,128 --> 00:00:23,463
Uh-uh. Okay.
You know what?
17
00:00:23,497 --> 00:00:24,765
Oh, we doin' this?
18
00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:26,467
Yeah, we doing this.
Okay, so we gonna--here, baby.
19
00:00:26,502 --> 00:00:28,304
Yeah, we are about
to fight now.
20
00:00:28,338 --> 00:00:30,373
Bring it on then, bitch.
Let's go.
21
00:00:30,407 --> 00:00:32,108
I ain't even playin'.
22
00:00:32,142 --> 00:00:33,376
'cause you know what?
23
00:00:33,410 --> 00:00:34,845
- Step to me then, go ahead.
- I wish you would...
24
00:00:34,879 --> 00:00:36,047
- Step to me.
- Step up...
25
00:00:36,081 --> 00:00:37,148
No, I would love for you
to step to me,
26
00:00:37,182 --> 00:00:38,518
- I really would.
- To me right now, bitch.
27
00:00:38,553 --> 00:00:39,888
But you're just talkin',
that's the problem.
28
00:00:39,922 --> 00:00:41,525
I don't even care no more.
29
00:00:41,559 --> 00:00:43,295
And you're talking though,
and that's all you're doing.
30
00:00:43,329 --> 00:00:45,865
- Call me a bitch again.
- Oh, yeah?
31
00:00:45,899 --> 00:00:47,033
- Call me a bitch again.
- Okay.
32
00:00:47,067 --> 00:00:48,034
- No, see what happens.
- Your wish is granted.
33
00:00:48,069 --> 00:00:49,036
See what happens.
34
00:00:49,070 --> 00:00:50,171
I would like
to see what happens.
35
00:00:50,206 --> 00:00:53,677
I would love to see
what happens.
36
00:00:53,712 --> 00:00:55,013
- Oh, you do?
- Oh, absolutely.
37
00:00:55,047 --> 00:00:57,749
So why don't you come
and bring it then, bitch?
38
00:00:57,784 --> 00:00:59,352
(all) Ooh.
39
00:00:59,386 --> 00:01:00,586
See, no.
40
00:01:00,621 --> 00:01:03,056
You are riding
my last nerve.
41
00:01:03,090 --> 00:01:04,692
And I ain't even playin'
no more.
42
00:01:04,726 --> 00:01:07,896
I am not even playin'
no more.
43
00:01:07,930 --> 00:01:08,898
Oh, it's on?
44
00:01:08,933 --> 00:01:10,067
Then let's do something,
okay?
45
00:01:10,101 --> 00:01:11,169
You wanna go?
46
00:01:11,203 --> 00:01:13,439
(all) Ooh.
47
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:14,674
Uh-uh.
48
00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:16,342
Huh?
There we go.
49
00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:17,811
Let's do something.
50
00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:19,046
Uh-uh.
51
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:22,116
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-uh.
52
00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:23,818
It's uh-huh.
It's uh-huh.
53
00:01:23,852 --> 00:01:25,086
Uh-uh.
54
00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,289
Let's do something, bitch.
55
00:01:27,323 --> 00:01:29,491
What?
56
00:01:32,161 --> 00:01:35,558
(all gasping)
57
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:41,416
(all) Ooh.
58
00:01:42,171 --> 00:01:45,207
(both) We told you
not to mess with us, bitch!
59
00:01:48,980 --> 00:01:50,514
Y'all just saw that bitch
60
00:01:50,549 --> 00:01:52,716
turn into two little girls,
right?
61
00:01:52,751 --> 00:01:55,720
(soul music)
62
00:01:55,754 --> 00:02:00,358
♪
63
00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:11,357
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com
64
00:02:12,173 --> 00:02:14,941
(cheers and applause)
65
00:02:14,976 --> 00:02:18,445
Whoo! Whoo!
66
00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:21,749
Yeah. Oh.
(laughs)
67
00:02:21,784 --> 00:02:23,952
- All right.
- Thank you.
68
00:02:23,986 --> 00:02:25,353
Thanks for being here, guys.
69
00:02:25,388 --> 00:02:26,988
- I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
70
00:02:27,023 --> 00:02:27,989
And we're Key and Peele.
71
00:02:28,024 --> 00:02:29,324
Thank you for coming.
72
00:02:29,359 --> 00:02:31,493
(cheers and applause)
73
00:02:31,528 --> 00:02:32,628
You guys know
the Super Bowl Shuffle.
74
00:02:32,662 --> 00:02:34,096
Do you remember that?
75
00:02:34,130 --> 00:02:36,599
Yeah, unless you weren't born
in 1985.
76
00:02:36,633 --> 00:02:38,368
It was the '85 Bears.
77
00:02:38,402 --> 00:02:40,403
Put out this rap video,
78
00:02:40,437 --> 00:02:43,273
just saying how much
badasses they were.
79
00:02:43,307 --> 00:02:45,141
How bad--
how badass they were.
80
00:02:45,176 --> 00:02:47,377
No athlete has ever
been able to rap,
81
00:02:47,411 --> 00:02:48,812
and it sounds good.
82
00:02:48,846 --> 00:02:50,147
- It just doesn't happen.
- Right.
83
00:02:50,181 --> 00:02:52,349
There's something about
multiple concussions
84
00:02:52,384 --> 00:02:54,118
that just doesn't--
85
00:02:54,152 --> 00:02:56,887
it isn't conducive
to rhyming well.
86
00:02:56,921 --> 00:02:58,422
You don't just get to put
on the headphones and go,
87
00:02:58,457 --> 00:03:02,226
"Yeah, I gotta live it,
s-so I can give it."
88
00:03:02,261 --> 00:03:04,028
Nope.
89
00:03:04,063 --> 00:03:05,230
We gotta take it from the top
90
00:03:05,264 --> 00:03:06,431
'cause you messed up
the line, man.
91
00:03:06,465 --> 00:03:08,033
- Yeah, okay.
- Live it, do it.
92
00:03:08,067 --> 00:03:09,034
That's your only line.
93
00:03:09,069 --> 00:03:10,036
- All right. Mm-hmm.
- Ready? Go.
94
00:03:10,070 --> 00:03:11,103
We got do it and--
95
00:03:11,138 --> 00:03:12,438
- Nope.
- Gravitate toward it.
96
00:03:12,472 --> 00:03:14,807
You already--why are you
adding "gravitate?"
97
00:03:14,841 --> 00:03:16,175
- Okay. Mm-hmm.
- Now, Flavius...
98
00:03:16,209 --> 00:03:17,910
- Yes, yes.
- Can you just say four words?
99
00:03:17,945 --> 00:03:19,212
- Mm-hmm.
- And then we're gonna be good?
100
00:03:19,246 --> 00:03:21,815
- Four words!
- No, this--
101
00:03:21,849 --> 00:03:24,184
(cheers and applause)
102
00:03:26,754 --> 00:03:28,155
Hey, Jadinkalage?
103
00:03:28,189 --> 00:03:30,424
Yeah, L'Carpetron?
104
00:03:30,458 --> 00:03:34,295
Check out Leoz.
105
00:03:34,330 --> 00:03:36,297
I wonder what
he's dreaming about?
106
00:03:36,332 --> 00:03:39,901
He is probably dreaming
about what we is gonna do
107
00:03:39,935 --> 00:03:42,703
to the team from the West.
108
00:03:42,738 --> 00:03:45,506
I wonder.
109
00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:55,083
♪ T'Variusness ♪
110
00:03:55,117 --> 00:03:56,151
♪ T-King for short ♪
111
00:03:56,185 --> 00:03:57,219
♪ I'm a bad mamma-jamma ♪
112
00:03:57,253 --> 00:03:58,453
♪ and an awful sport ♪
113
00:03:58,488 --> 00:03:59,488
♪ Smoochie-Wallace ♪
114
00:03:59,522 --> 00:04:00,889
♪ You can call me Tyroil ♪
115
00:04:00,923 --> 00:04:03,191
♪ Rappin' up rushes
like aluminum foil ♪
116
00:04:03,226 --> 00:04:04,192
♪ McCringleberry ♪
117
00:04:04,227 --> 00:04:05,393
♪ I'm very scary ♪
118
00:04:05,428 --> 00:04:07,529
♪ If I got the ball
you best be wary ♪
119
00:04:07,563 --> 00:04:09,631
♪ L'Carpetron Dookmarriot ♪
120
00:04:09,665 --> 00:04:11,766
♪ I love the ball so much
I wanna marry it ♪
121
00:04:11,801 --> 00:04:14,736
(all) ♪ 'cause the Eastern
school's ♪
122
00:04:14,770 --> 00:04:17,639
♪ gonna beat the fools
from the West ♪
123
00:04:17,673 --> 00:04:20,942
Oh, yeah.
124
00:04:20,977 --> 00:04:22,644
(all) ♪ Where football's
concerned ♪
125
00:04:22,678 --> 00:04:26,448
♪ We gonna show you
that we are the best ♪
126
00:04:26,483 --> 00:04:29,818
♪ We are the best ♪
127
00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:32,288
♪ I'm Ibrahim Moizoos ♪
128
00:04:32,322 --> 00:04:34,590
♪ And my rhymes are clean
like my name is Dr. Seuss ♪
129
00:04:34,624 --> 00:04:35,891
♪ Probincrux III ♪
130
00:04:35,925 --> 00:04:36,892
♪ They call me "The Probe" ♪
131
00:04:36,926 --> 00:04:38,126
♪ I can intercept balls ♪
132
00:04:38,161 --> 00:04:39,227
♪ With my earlobe ♪
133
00:04:39,262 --> 00:04:40,362
♪ Shower-Handel ♪
134
00:04:40,396 --> 00:04:41,729
♪ That's my name ♪
135
00:04:41,764 --> 00:04:43,431
♪ Power candle sounds the same ♪
136
00:04:43,465 --> 00:04:44,832
- ♪ With Jackmerius ♪
- ♪ D'Squarius ♪
137
00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:45,834
♪ And Javarison-Lamar ♪
138
00:04:45,868 --> 00:04:47,201
♪ Flaxon-Waxon plays sax and
139
00:04:47,236 --> 00:04:48,950
♪ D'Marcus plays guitar
140
00:04:50,739 --> 00:04:53,207
(all) ♪ 'cause the Eastern school's
141
00:04:53,241 --> 00:04:55,642
♪ Gonna beat the fools
from the West ♪
142
00:04:56,501 --> 00:04:57,544
♪ Okay ♪
143
00:04:57,579 --> 00:04:58,609
♪ Don't you know ♪
144
00:04:59,314 --> 00:05:01,081
(all) ♪ Where football's concerned ♪
145
00:05:01,115 --> 00:05:04,952
♪ We gonna show you
that we are the best ♪
146
00:05:04,986 --> 00:05:06,853
♪ Indeedy, we are the best ♪
147
00:05:08,289 --> 00:05:09,114
(gasps)
148
00:05:11,033 --> 00:05:12,666
It must have been
all a dream.
149
00:05:14,127 --> 00:05:16,195
(gasps)
150
00:05:16,229 --> 00:05:17,232
Or was it?
151
00:05:24,904 --> 00:05:26,911
Oh, it's on.
152
00:05:32,913 --> 00:05:34,046
♪ What's up, y'all ♪
153
00:05:34,081 --> 00:05:35,181
♪ It's Jefferspin ♪
154
00:05:35,215 --> 00:05:36,415
♪ I'm the big left tackle ♪
155
00:05:36,450 --> 00:05:37,616
♪ Gonna help us win ♪
156
00:05:37,651 --> 00:05:40,085
♪ X-Wing @Aliciousness ♪
157
00:05:40,119 --> 00:05:42,888
♪ I'll use my force
to give the East distress ♪
158
00:05:42,922 --> 00:05:44,557
♪ L'Goodling-Splatt is
where it's at ♪
159
00:05:44,591 --> 00:05:47,593
♪ Running through defenders
and padding my stats ♪
160
00:05:47,628 --> 00:05:48,761
♪ Y'all know me ♪
161
00:05:48,796 --> 00:05:50,129
♪ I'm Washingbeard ♪
162
00:05:50,164 --> 00:05:52,799
♪ Catch so many balls
it's a little weird ♪
163
00:05:52,833 --> 00:05:56,069
(all) ♪ 'cause you know we gonna
win against the East ♪
164
00:05:56,103 --> 00:05:57,304
♪ Listen what we said ♪
165
00:05:57,338 --> 00:05:58,705
(all) ♪ We gonna get
the most points ♪
166
00:05:58,740 --> 00:06:00,274
♪ And they gonna get the least ♪
167
00:06:00,308 --> 00:06:02,509
♪ Just tryin' to calm the
voices running through my head ♪
168
00:06:02,543 --> 00:06:03,810
♪ Back it up ♪
169
00:06:03,845 --> 00:06:05,145
♪ It's Hardunkichud ♪
170
00:06:05,179 --> 00:06:07,780
♪ I hit the Q.B. and make
a noise like thud ♪
171
00:06:07,815 --> 00:06:10,083
♪ Can't block me
and all of that jazz ♪
172
00:06:10,117 --> 00:06:12,686
♪ 'cause y'all don't want none
of this Ozamataz ♪
173
00:06:12,721 --> 00:06:13,754
♪ The Player... ♪
174
00:06:13,789 --> 00:06:15,356
♪ T.J. A.J. ♪
175
00:06:15,390 --> 00:06:16,624
♪ Formerly Known... ♪
176
00:06:16,658 --> 00:06:17,925
(screeches)
177
00:06:17,959 --> 00:06:19,059
(construction noises)
178
00:06:19,094 --> 00:06:20,060
♪ Lewith ♪
179
00:06:20,094 --> 00:06:21,061
♪ As Mousecop ♪
180
00:06:21,095 --> 00:06:22,295
♪ and Donkey Teeth ♪
181
00:06:22,330 --> 00:06:23,396
♪ I'm the touchdown man ♪
182
00:06:23,431 --> 00:06:24,497
♪ That's Grundelplith ♪
183
00:06:24,532 --> 00:06:25,832
♪ But y'all ain't ready ♪
184
00:06:25,866 --> 00:06:27,467
♪ For my man Dan Smith ♪
185
00:06:28,024 --> 00:06:29,565
(rapping)
♪ Yo yo ♪
186
00:06:30,204 --> 00:06:31,125
♪ Smith comma Daniel ♪
187
00:06:31,138 --> 00:06:32,859
♪ Other kickers in the League
don't hold a candle ♪
188
00:06:32,941 --> 00:06:34,241
♪ Cheerleaders up on
my chocolate crotch ♪
189
00:06:34,276 --> 00:06:35,643
♪ Those goddamn
baby cocker spaniel ♪
190
00:06:35,677 --> 00:06:36,977
♪ B.Y.U.
why you be ♪
191
00:06:37,012 --> 00:06:38,245
♪ Mad 'cause the bitches
wanna get with me ♪
192
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:39,852
♪ Got Swisher Sweets
and dutchies rollin on' ♪
193
00:06:39,903 --> 00:06:40,781
♪ No other team can touch these ♪
194
00:06:40,815 --> 00:06:42,282
♪ Hittin' field goals
blunted ♪
195
00:06:42,317 --> 00:06:43,417
♪ Been drunk when I punted ♪
196
00:06:43,451 --> 00:06:44,651
♪ Been like a hundred times ♪
197
00:06:44,686 --> 00:06:46,120
♪ That I already done it ♪
198
00:06:46,154 --> 00:06:47,421
♪ Oh, [bleep] ♪
199
00:06:47,455 --> 00:06:48,789
♪ See these haters
thought I was playin' ♪
200
00:06:48,823 --> 00:06:50,291
♪ Stayin' away from my faces ♪
201
00:06:50,325 --> 00:06:51,559
♪ With all the bull[bleep]
they sayin' ♪
202
00:06:51,593 --> 00:06:53,127
♪ But just remember
who you tauntin' ♪
203
00:06:53,161 --> 00:06:54,499
♪ When you tossin'
those gauntlets ♪
204
00:06:54,537 --> 00:06:57,405
♪ I'm Dan Smith and the West is
gettin' rowdy like monsters ♪
205
00:06:57,766 --> 00:06:59,266
(all cheer)
206
00:07:04,203 --> 00:07:05,703
Question for you.
207
00:07:05,738 --> 00:07:08,940
Why do black people
love mafia stuff so much?
208
00:07:08,974 --> 00:07:10,608
We do, right?
209
00:07:10,642 --> 00:07:13,277
- Goodfellas, Godfather.
- Godfather.
210
00:07:13,312 --> 00:07:14,745
Godfather II, God--
211
00:07:14,780 --> 00:07:16,848
Mm, on the third one, but...
212
00:07:16,882 --> 00:07:20,451
We are very tolerant,
considering that
213
00:07:20,486 --> 00:07:23,621
uh, mafia--mobsters are the most
racist people in America.
214
00:07:23,655 --> 00:07:24,788
- Hands down.
- Right?
215
00:07:24,823 --> 00:07:26,823
They say the N-word
more than we do.
216
00:07:26,858 --> 00:07:28,258
Yeah, it's crazy.
217
00:07:28,292 --> 00:07:31,194
I mean, if you date
a mobster's sister...
218
00:07:31,228 --> 00:07:32,395
(laughs)
You will wake up
219
00:07:32,430 --> 00:07:33,864
with that bitch's head
in your bed.
220
00:07:33,898 --> 00:07:35,157
(screams)
221
00:07:35,224 --> 00:07:36,808
They're, like, the most
cold-blooded people
222
00:07:36,835 --> 00:07:38,135
- in the world.
- They just don't give a [bleep].
223
00:07:38,169 --> 00:07:39,570
They don't.
224
00:07:39,604 --> 00:07:41,672
- That's their motto.
- You laughed,
225
00:07:41,706 --> 00:07:45,575
but we're--we're gonna get shot
after we walk off the stage.
226
00:07:49,446 --> 00:07:50,747
I'm tellin' you, Vinny,
227
00:07:50,781 --> 00:07:53,383
no disrespect to your
dearly departed grandmother,
228
00:07:53,417 --> 00:07:56,480
but my aunt makes
a pasta--forget about it.
229
00:07:57,522 --> 00:07:59,690
Your aunt lives
in this neighborhood?
230
00:07:59,724 --> 00:08:02,392
Seems kinda dangerous.
231
00:08:02,427 --> 00:08:05,662
What are you,
McGruff the crime dog?
232
00:08:05,697 --> 00:08:07,873
Come on, we're late already.
233
00:08:09,234 --> 00:08:12,769
Hey, uh, you--you say
she lives in this house here?
234
00:08:12,804 --> 00:08:15,005
What the [bleep]'s the matter
with you, vinny?
235
00:08:15,039 --> 00:08:17,328
You're being rude.
let's go.
236
00:08:19,177 --> 00:08:22,513
I'm not trying
to be rude, it's--
237
00:08:22,548 --> 00:08:23,648
The lights are off.
238
00:08:23,682 --> 00:08:26,517
Maybe we--
let's come back later. Y--
239
00:08:26,552 --> 00:08:28,453
Hey, she's probably
just takin' a nap
240
00:08:28,487 --> 00:08:30,822
after the huge meal
she just made for us.
241
00:08:30,856 --> 00:08:32,423
Go in.
242
00:08:35,761 --> 00:08:37,027
I don't have the key.
243
00:08:37,062 --> 00:08:38,295
You should go in first.
244
00:08:38,329 --> 00:08:40,464
Oh, marrone, she said
she'd leave it open.
245
00:08:40,498 --> 00:08:45,636
Vinny, stop being
such a strunzo and get in there.
246
00:08:50,676 --> 00:08:53,678
All right, all right.
247
00:08:55,000 --> 00:09:01,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
248
00:10:20,702 --> 00:10:23,670
Surprise.
249
00:10:27,108 --> 00:10:28,709
No, I'm good, man.
250
00:10:28,743 --> 00:10:31,145
You hungry?
251
00:10:31,179 --> 00:10:33,180
Sure, I could eat.
Yeah, man.
252
00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:35,049
Um, what you want?
253
00:10:35,083 --> 00:10:36,917
Uh, pizza?
Chinese?
254
00:10:36,952 --> 00:10:38,386
(clicks tongue)
255
00:10:38,420 --> 00:10:40,513
Kill that noise, man.
256
00:10:42,390 --> 00:10:44,252
I got a ratatouille.
257
00:10:44,704 --> 00:10:46,510
(squealing noises)
258
00:10:46,962 --> 00:10:48,029
Oh, [bleep]!
259
00:10:48,063 --> 00:10:49,363
That's a rat, dude.
260
00:10:49,397 --> 00:10:50,531
No, it ain't.
261
00:10:50,565 --> 00:10:53,133
That's a ratatouille, yo.
262
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:56,837
Hey, Ratatouille,
go make my man a sandwich.
263
00:10:56,872 --> 00:11:00,007
Yeah, show him what you got.
264
00:11:05,981 --> 00:11:07,482
What the [bleep], son?
265
00:11:07,516 --> 00:11:09,687
You got a rat up in your house?
266
00:11:11,220 --> 00:11:13,334
What this mean?
267
00:11:14,585 --> 00:11:16,591
I don't know what to say, man.
268
00:11:16,625 --> 00:11:18,292
I got a ratatouille, man.
269
00:11:18,327 --> 00:11:20,595
He a chef just like
in all them movies, man.
270
00:11:20,629 --> 00:11:21,829
No, no r--hey.
271
00:11:21,864 --> 00:11:23,565
There's only--
(sighs)
272
00:11:23,599 --> 00:11:26,134
There's only one movie, Levi,
all right?
273
00:11:26,169 --> 00:11:27,636
And he's not a ratatouille.
274
00:11:27,671 --> 00:11:30,506
He's a rat
and his name is Remy.
275
00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:32,908
- Potahto, potayto.
- Potahto, p--
276
00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:34,643
- I gots myself a ratatouille.
277
00:11:34,677 --> 00:11:37,112
That's all I know.
278
00:11:37,146 --> 00:11:39,080
Order up.
279
00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:41,066
Damn!
Oh, Levi!
280
00:11:45,973 --> 00:11:48,423
Voilà .
281
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:50,325
Levi, look at this thing, man.
282
00:11:50,359 --> 00:11:52,794
You see it got
bite marks all over it.
283
00:11:52,829 --> 00:11:55,730
Any good chef
has to taste his creation.
284
00:11:55,764 --> 00:12:00,001
That's rat [bleep]
on the sandwich.
285
00:12:00,036 --> 00:12:02,171
He did make a sandwich though.
286
00:12:02,205 --> 00:12:03,372
Oh, hell no.
287
00:12:03,406 --> 00:12:04,540
I'm out.
288
00:12:04,574 --> 00:12:07,710
My dude, you need help.
289
00:12:07,744 --> 00:12:11,146
Hey.
290
00:12:11,181 --> 00:12:12,515
Oh, well, Ratatouille.
291
00:12:12,549 --> 00:12:14,917
Another negative review.
292
00:12:15,955 --> 00:12:18,020
Maybe you want it,
Charlotte's web.
293
00:12:22,812 --> 00:12:23,945
(soul music)
294
00:12:24,006 --> 00:12:26,107
Has anybody been racially
profiled here?
295
00:12:26,115 --> 00:12:27,949
(crowd shouting agreement)
Yes.
296
00:12:27,983 --> 00:12:30,451
- Really?
- Yes. Yes.
297
00:12:30,486 --> 00:12:32,020
That's why we have
the glasses on, right?
298
00:12:32,054 --> 00:12:33,021
No, I'm good.
299
00:12:33,055 --> 00:12:34,155
I'm one of the nerdy ones.
300
00:12:34,190 --> 00:12:36,257
Here, right here.
301
00:12:36,292 --> 00:12:37,692
Carry on, carry on.
302
00:12:37,726 --> 00:12:39,694
Being a black man
it is--it is scary, man.
303
00:12:39,728 --> 00:12:42,096
We can get thrown away
for just no reason.
304
00:12:42,131 --> 00:12:43,164
Yeah, yeah.
305
00:12:43,198 --> 00:12:44,565
Wh--I did what to who?
306
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,935
Like, d--but seriously now,
what?
307
00:12:46,969 --> 00:12:48,670
What are the charges?
308
00:12:48,704 --> 00:12:49,704
What did they get you for?
309
00:12:49,738 --> 00:12:50,872
D--I don't know.
310
00:12:50,906 --> 00:12:52,674
They asked me
to come down to the station.
311
00:12:52,708 --> 00:12:54,075
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
312
00:12:54,109 --> 00:12:55,142
- I was just--
- I came.
313
00:12:55,177 --> 00:12:56,677
- I'm a [bleep] idiot.
- I know.
314
00:12:56,711 --> 00:12:59,180
Yeah.
315
00:12:59,214 --> 00:13:01,148
Are you--is there
any Muslim-Americans in the--
316
00:13:01,182 --> 00:13:03,050
(crowd cheers)
There we go.
317
00:13:03,084 --> 00:13:04,051
All right.
We're very pleased--
318
00:13:04,085 --> 00:13:05,052
You guys
have it the worst
319
00:13:05,086 --> 00:13:06,053
- right now though, right?
- Yeah.
320
00:13:06,087 --> 00:13:07,121
They'll just look at your name
321
00:13:07,155 --> 00:13:08,389
and see it's
(speaks gibberish)
322
00:13:08,423 --> 00:13:10,791
All right.
[bleep] you go.
323
00:13:19,234 --> 00:13:21,035
Look Rajid,
324
00:13:21,069 --> 00:13:22,970
I'm gonna make this
really nice and easy for you.
325
00:13:23,004 --> 00:13:24,972
I need names and you're gonna
give 'em to me.
326
00:13:25,006 --> 00:13:26,173
You have to listen to me.
327
00:13:26,207 --> 00:13:28,342
You have to listen to me.
328
00:13:28,376 --> 00:13:31,244
This is all a huge mistake.
329
00:13:31,279 --> 00:13:33,580
Bull[bleep]!
330
00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:36,283
Department of Homeland
Security's
331
00:13:36,317 --> 00:13:39,052
been monitoring your calls
for weeks, Rajid.
332
00:13:39,087 --> 00:13:40,454
We got you.
333
00:13:40,488 --> 00:13:42,556
We know about you
and your friends.
334
00:13:42,590 --> 00:13:44,524
We know that you're a--
335
00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:45,525
Terrierist.
336
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:48,728
I am a terrierist.
337
00:13:48,763 --> 00:13:51,598
We--me and my friends,
we breed dogs,
338
00:13:51,632 --> 00:13:53,300
specifically terriers.
339
00:13:53,334 --> 00:13:55,602
We write terrierist fiction.
340
00:13:55,636 --> 00:13:57,938
We spend a good deal of time
341
00:13:57,972 --> 00:14:00,775
discussing possible future
terrierist plots--
342
00:14:00,809 --> 00:14:01,971
(groans)
343
00:14:03,111 --> 00:14:04,978
Hmm.
That's a nice try.
344
00:14:04,997 --> 00:14:06,111
It really is.
345
00:14:06,742 --> 00:14:09,883
But it's bull[bleep], Rajid!
346
00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:11,017
Come on.
347
00:14:11,052 --> 00:14:12,352
Is that the best you got?
348
00:14:12,386 --> 00:14:14,253
Now come on, I'm listening.
349
00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:15,722
Just tell me.
Tell me.
350
00:14:15,756 --> 00:14:17,540
Tell me about
this imminent attack.
351
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:20,760
What? What?
What attack?
352
00:14:20,794 --> 00:14:22,061
I don't know
what you're talking about.
353
00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:23,495
What are you t--what am i
talking about?
354
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,230
- I don't--
- I don't know, huh? huh?
355
00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:26,531
I don't know
what you're talking about.
356
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:27,933
- I'm telling you--
- No, you don't know?
357
00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:29,734
I don't know.
I don't know.
358
00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:32,070
June 11, Rajid.
359
00:14:32,104 --> 00:14:33,605
You spoke of an imminent attack.
360
00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:34,906
Oh, oh, yes. No.
361
00:14:34,941 --> 00:14:36,274
Listen, that was my friend.
362
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,710
- Listen, his dog bit him.
- No.
363
00:14:38,744 --> 00:14:40,311
And I told him,
"If you do not train them..."
364
00:14:40,346 --> 00:14:42,781
- No.
- "another terrier attack
365
00:14:42,816 --> 00:14:43,782
"is imminent."
366
00:14:43,817 --> 00:14:47,153
(grunts)
367
00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:49,221
So you lie
and you see what happens?
368
00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:51,623
I don't--
I'm not lying to you.
369
00:14:51,657 --> 00:14:53,524
Come on, Rajid.
I like you.
370
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:55,693
let's be friends, huh?
371
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,561
Now you still
haven't explained to me
372
00:14:57,596 --> 00:15:01,298
why we found, on the search
engine of your computer,
373
00:15:01,333 --> 00:15:04,468
the words "Target Washington"
49 times.
374
00:15:04,502 --> 00:15:07,771
That--that is because
I was in D.C. for a dog show
375
00:15:07,806 --> 00:15:10,041
and I had to buy a squeezy toy,
a birthday card,
376
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:12,510
and some deodorant
all at an affordable price.
377
00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,312
All right.
378
00:15:14,346 --> 00:15:15,446
You can only
do that at Target.
379
00:15:15,481 --> 00:15:16,447
Yeah, okay.
380
00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:18,149
I see how you wanna play this.
381
00:15:18,183 --> 00:15:19,783
(groans)
382
00:15:19,817 --> 00:15:23,453
This is not a case
of mistaken identity, Rajid,
383
00:15:23,488 --> 00:15:25,655
and you know it!
384
00:15:25,690 --> 00:15:28,391
We've heard the conversations
between you and Jafar.
385
00:15:28,426 --> 00:15:31,395
Where you discussing your hatred
of American ideals.
386
00:15:31,429 --> 00:15:32,396
No, no, Idols.
387
00:15:32,430 --> 00:15:33,798
American Idols!
388
00:15:33,832 --> 00:15:35,132
I-I hate them.
389
00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:36,467
They performed "Dancing Queen".
390
00:15:36,501 --> 00:15:39,570
It was a desecration to ABBA.
391
00:15:39,604 --> 00:15:41,839
My favorite band.
392
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:44,209
We got you on tape
referring to Jafar
393
00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:45,911
as one of the architects of--
394
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,346
- 7-Eleven!
395
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:50,015
it was 7-Eleven!
396
00:15:50,049 --> 00:15:54,686
Jafar--he designs
convenience stores.
397
00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:58,924
7-Eleven?
398
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,659
Oh, [bleep].
399
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:04,329
Wilson, 65 dogs just attacked
the Capitol building.
400
00:16:05,234 --> 00:16:06,297
Were they terriers?
401
00:16:06,332 --> 00:16:07,865
How did you know?
402
00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:09,067
[bleep]!
403
00:16:09,101 --> 00:16:11,470
Praise ABBA.
404
00:16:16,710 --> 00:16:18,611
Welcome to Metta World News.
405
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:21,381
In sports,
I'd rather eat my hand
406
00:16:21,415 --> 00:16:23,283
than to have my penis cut off.
407
00:16:23,317 --> 00:16:25,885
I'd really have to believe
someone was gonna cut it off,
408
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:29,155
but if I did,
I could definitely eat my hand.
409
00:16:29,190 --> 00:16:31,658
I know because
I had a dream where I did it.
410
00:16:31,692 --> 00:16:32,725
It was horrible.
411
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,194
I ate my whole hand.
412
00:16:34,228 --> 00:16:36,897
Now that's what you call
"rhetoric."
413
00:16:36,932 --> 00:16:38,699
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
414
00:16:38,734 --> 00:16:41,402
for this Wednesday,
April Hurricane Slipknot.
415
00:16:41,436 --> 00:16:42,703
I'm Metta World Peace.
416
00:16:42,738 --> 00:16:43,916
Good night.
417
00:16:51,562 --> 00:16:52,729
We go to the movies
together sometimes.
418
00:16:52,764 --> 00:16:54,998
- Yes.
- And we very often
419
00:16:54,999 --> 00:16:57,867
find ourselves
in these really annoying spots
420
00:16:57,935 --> 00:16:59,502
where the guys in front of us
are talking about a movie--
421
00:16:59,537 --> 00:17:01,237
they can't remember a movie.
422
00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:04,206
I've seen people get caught
in a crazy, like, vortex.
423
00:17:04,241 --> 00:17:05,708
Talking about--
hey, hey, man.
424
00:17:05,742 --> 00:17:07,342
You know,
what's the girl's name?
425
00:17:07,377 --> 00:17:08,410
What's the girl's name?
426
00:17:08,445 --> 00:17:09,945
- You know--
- She does this?
427
00:17:09,980 --> 00:17:11,947
- She does this?
- She don't do this.
428
00:17:11,982 --> 00:17:14,316
No, she, um--she on a boat.
429
00:17:14,351 --> 00:17:15,351
and then the dude
is on the boat.
430
00:17:15,385 --> 00:17:16,352
She's doing it--she doing it.
431
00:17:16,386 --> 00:17:18,254
She got--"I will
always--in love--"
432
00:17:18,289 --> 00:17:20,023
- She's says "I will--"
- "I'm on the boat."
433
00:17:20,058 --> 00:17:21,291
Oh, Whitney Houston,
Whitney Houston,
434
00:17:21,326 --> 00:17:23,694
Whitney Houston,
Whitney Houston.
435
00:17:23,728 --> 00:17:25,495
- She's blonde.
- Oh, and--oh, she blonde.
436
00:17:25,529 --> 00:17:26,762
She on the boat,
437
00:17:26,797 --> 00:17:28,564
and then the shark--
Jaws, man. Jaws.
438
00:17:28,598 --> 00:17:30,799
- Talking about Jaws.
- No.
439
00:17:30,834 --> 00:17:33,535
The boat sinks,
it crashes and sinks.
440
00:17:33,570 --> 00:17:35,104
- What can hit it?
- It sinks.
441
00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:37,006
It hits a big-ass ice cube,
and it sinks.
442
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,342
Oh! Oh! Oh!
443
00:17:39,376 --> 00:17:40,443
Friday.
444
00:17:45,749 --> 00:17:47,850
- Damn, she was fly.
- She a'ight.
445
00:17:47,884 --> 00:17:49,685
Yo, man.
Can I ask you a question?
446
00:17:49,719 --> 00:17:51,086
Yeah. What?
447
00:17:51,121 --> 00:17:52,922
Why everybody messing
with the Batmans?
448
00:17:52,956 --> 00:17:54,289
(clicks tongue) See?
449
00:17:54,324 --> 00:17:57,226
That's exactly
what I've been asking myself.
450
00:17:57,260 --> 00:17:58,293
It don't make no sense.
451
00:17:58,328 --> 00:17:59,428
Why would you do it?
452
00:17:59,462 --> 00:18:00,896
Why would you do that?
453
00:18:00,930 --> 00:18:03,398
Why would you try and mess
with the Batman?
454
00:18:03,432 --> 00:18:05,400
- It's futile.
- It is.
455
00:18:05,434 --> 00:18:06,902
Yo, remember,
Heath Ledger tried to.
456
00:18:06,936 --> 00:18:08,403
Psh, I mean,
the Batman's got armor.
457
00:18:08,438 --> 00:18:09,738
And, you know,
some martial arts
458
00:18:09,772 --> 00:18:12,007
and moves--
(indistinct)
459
00:18:12,041 --> 00:18:13,275
(imitates sound
of bullets deflecting)
460
00:18:13,309 --> 00:18:14,409
It don't work.
I got armor.
461
00:18:14,444 --> 00:18:15,944
- And then martial arts.
- Come on.
462
00:18:15,978 --> 00:18:17,846
- All you got is a purple suit
and some pancake makeup.
463
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:18,913
Come on, man.
464
00:18:18,948 --> 00:18:20,148
I mean, come on, man.
Batman.
465
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,850
- Why would you...
- (both) mess with the Batman?
466
00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:24,785
- That's what I'm saying, man.
467
00:18:24,820 --> 00:18:26,153
Oh, remember
when Danny DeVito tried it?
468
00:18:26,188 --> 00:18:27,755
- Psh.
- Start walking around.
469
00:18:27,789 --> 00:18:28,789
Talking like...
470
00:18:28,824 --> 00:18:31,826
(both squawking)
471
00:18:35,097 --> 00:18:36,864
(both) Come on, man.
472
00:18:36,898 --> 00:18:40,034
I mean, the Batman is a
multi-billionaire with a grudge.
473
00:18:40,069 --> 00:18:41,035
You're just
a little fat mother[bleep]
474
00:18:41,070 --> 00:18:42,771
in a tuxedo with an umbrella.
475
00:18:42,806 --> 00:18:44,473
- Exactly, man.
- Come on, man.
476
00:18:44,507 --> 00:18:47,109
It's like a pretend bird
can't mess with the Batman.
477
00:18:47,143 --> 00:18:49,210
No way. no way.
out of the question, man.
478
00:18:49,245 --> 00:18:50,478
But Jim Carrey though.
479
00:18:50,513 --> 00:18:52,647
Psh, Jim Carrey though.
480
00:18:52,682 --> 00:18:54,216
- Jim Carrey.
- Come on.
481
00:18:54,250 --> 00:18:55,383
"Riddle me this.
482
00:18:55,418 --> 00:18:58,320
Riddle me that, mans."
483
00:18:58,354 --> 00:19:00,188
How is Ace Ventura
gonna mess with the Batmans?
484
00:19:00,223 --> 00:19:01,423
- Well played. Well played.
- How is Ace Ventura--
485
00:19:01,457 --> 00:19:02,591
Well played.
486
00:19:02,625 --> 00:19:04,793
"Hey, Batmans.
I've come to get you."
487
00:19:04,827 --> 00:19:05,794
(imitates whipping sound)
488
00:19:05,829 --> 00:19:06,996
- Aah!
- Now see.
489
00:19:07,030 --> 00:19:08,364
How are you supposed
to block a Batarang
490
00:19:08,398 --> 00:19:11,366
from going in your butt with
a carefully crafted query?
491
00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:13,402
- You cannot. That's how.
- It's impossible.
492
00:19:13,436 --> 00:19:15,404
- Hey. Hey, psh.
Hey, psh. Hey, psh.
493
00:19:15,438 --> 00:19:16,972
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
494
00:19:17,006 --> 00:19:19,942
Michelle Puhfeiffer tried
to mess with the Batmans.
495
00:19:19,976 --> 00:19:22,377
Michelle Puhfeiffer tried to mess
with the Batmans.
496
00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:23,579
Michelle Puhfeiffer.
497
00:19:23,613 --> 00:19:24,980
- Michelle Puhfeiffer...
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
498
00:19:25,014 --> 00:19:26,115
tried to mess
with the Batman.
499
00:19:26,149 --> 00:19:27,916
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
500
00:19:27,951 --> 00:19:29,217
Guess what,
Michelle Puhfeiffer?
501
00:19:29,252 --> 00:19:31,186
- You ain't a real cat!
- Come on.
502
00:19:31,220 --> 00:19:32,453
I'll tell you one thing.
503
00:19:32,488 --> 00:19:34,857
Ain't no way you gonna meow-s
with the Batman.
504
00:19:34,891 --> 00:19:37,059
But what about
Arnold Scharzenegger though ?
505
00:19:37,060 --> 00:19:38,471
What's Arnold Scharzenegger
trying to do?
506
00:19:38,481 --> 00:19:39,095
Come on, man.
507
00:19:39,129 --> 00:19:40,296
What is
Arnold Scharzenegger--
508
00:19:40,330 --> 00:19:42,599
Feel the burn. Feel the burn.
Feel the burn.
509
00:19:42,633 --> 00:19:44,567
(grunts)
It should be in your triceps.
510
00:19:44,602 --> 00:19:46,203
- Come on, man.
- Arnold Scharzenegger--
511
00:19:46,237 --> 00:19:47,437
You can't turn up the AC
512
00:19:47,472 --> 00:19:49,239
and think that's gonna mess
with the Batman.
513
00:19:49,274 --> 00:19:50,340
What is it supposed to be
doing to the Batman?
514
00:19:50,374 --> 00:19:52,075
- Giving the Batmans a cold?
- Come on, man.
515
00:19:52,109 --> 00:19:53,443
Giving the Batmans
a sniffle?
516
00:19:53,477 --> 00:19:55,145
Man, talking
about Bat lozenge.
517
00:19:55,179 --> 00:19:56,346
And you're defeated.
518
00:19:56,381 --> 00:19:57,681
Come on, man.
519
00:19:57,715 --> 00:19:59,416
You know,
there is one person though.
520
00:19:59,450 --> 00:20:01,051
Oh, no, no, no.
Here it come now.
521
00:20:01,085 --> 00:20:02,052
There is one person
who could--
522
00:20:02,087 --> 00:20:03,487
Here it comes right now.
523
00:20:03,521 --> 00:20:04,588
- Mm-hmm.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
524
00:20:04,623 --> 00:20:05,589
There's one person
who could...
525
00:20:05,624 --> 00:20:06,891
Here it comes right now.
526
00:20:06,925 --> 00:20:09,960
did, and shall again
bested the Batman.
527
00:20:09,995 --> 00:20:11,095
- No, no, no.
- Whoo!
528
00:20:11,129 --> 00:20:13,798
- Boy, here it comes.
- He trained the Batman.
529
00:20:13,833 --> 00:20:16,367
He gave the Batmans his skills.
530
00:20:16,402 --> 00:20:17,802
He's a mirror image
of the Batmans
531
00:20:17,837 --> 00:20:19,871
in fighting prowess.
532
00:20:19,906 --> 00:20:22,774
- I'm talking about...
- (both) Ra's Al Ghul!
533
00:20:22,809 --> 00:20:23,908
That's right, dog.
Right there.
534
00:20:23,943 --> 00:20:25,744
Talk about straight up
Ra's Al Ghul.
535
00:20:25,778 --> 00:20:29,313
- Played by the incomparable...
- (both) Liam Neesons.
536
00:20:29,348 --> 00:20:32,817
So even when we are talking
about the Batmans...
537
00:20:32,851 --> 00:20:38,856
(both) Liam Neesons
is my [bleep].
538
00:20:44,430 --> 00:20:45,496
Thank you.
539
00:20:45,531 --> 00:20:47,264
Praise ABBA!
540
00:20:47,299 --> 00:20:48,833
- Good night, everybody.
- All right. Thank you.
541
00:20:48,867 --> 00:20:50,401
Good night, guys.
542
00:20:50,436 --> 00:20:55,840
(cheers and applause)
543
00:20:55,874 --> 00:20:58,843
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
544
00:20:58,877 --> 00:21:00,878
Oh, yeah.
544
00:21:01,305 --> 00:21:07,296
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