All language subtitles for Will & Grace (1998) - S01E10 - The Big Vent 1080p WEBDL h264 AAC 2.0

Grace: What are you doing?

- It's freezing.
- Come on.

My God, it looks like I'm hiding
pushpins in my T-shirt.

Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Grace, unplugged.

I would have laughed if I were
warm... and that was funny.

Come on.

Stand on the vent.

Oh, my God. Just when I'd given
up hope, heat. I'm in heat.

[sighs]

Oh.

Keep it up, Grace. You're
this far from pay-per-view.

[gasps]
How did you do it?

I bribed the super to fix
the heating vent.

His English isn't so great,
but I think the deal is

one of us
has to sleep with him.

I'll do it as long as it's on
top of this vent.

Hey, hey, hey,
don't bogart the warm.

Come on,
I need to thaw my feet.

Oh, yeah. That's the stuff.
Give it to me, baby.

Keep it coming! Feel the heat!

Would you two
like to be alone?

Dennis: Mmm, you taste good.

Excuse me?

Shh, listen.

Judy: That was amazing.

Dennis: God, the candlelight
on your face.

Dennis: You're beautiful.

Judy: You make me feel
beautiful.

[sighs] Man, even
disembodied voices

are getting more action
than I am.

[chuckles] Aw, that's sweet.

I can't help
but take it personally.

Judy: Mmm...

[sighs] She mmm-ed.

Okay, now she's just throwing it
in my face.

Judy: Oh, my God.
It's almost 1:00.

Judy: Dennis, [giggles] Dennis,
stop.

Judy: My husband's gonna be home
any minute.

- Husband?
- Husband?

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Judy: I can't live like this
anymore.

Well, he can't either.

Thomas: Well, I can't either.

Huh? See?

Careful, girlie. You're gonna
end up with waffle face.

This is pathetic, Grace.

What, you come home early just
to catch "Days Of Our Vent?"

No. [chuckles] I thought
I would cook Shepherd's Pie.

Pray tell, Julia Child,
what's in Shepherd's Pie?

Um...

shepherds.

Sheep.

Pie?

Sounds like a
crock o' sheep to me.

Who cares about Shepherd's Pie?

The poor husband slaves away 18
hours a day

while she carries on an affair
every day this week.

Except Wednesday.

Which, ironically, is hump day.

Agh! Ugh! You should hear her
with the boyfriend.

She does this whole "Of-ten"
and "H-where" thing.

And with her husband,
it's "Often" and "Where."

She's gross.

You know, I think the husband
is totally on to her.

Judy: I told you,
I'm not seeing anyone.

Oh! Ooey is such a liar!

- How could she lie like that?
- I don't know.

Why don't you ask her up for
some Shepherd's Pie and ask her?

Wait a minute.
Her name is Ooey?

[sighs] No, it's just that
they're always walking

out of the room
when he says her name,

so all I get is "Ooey."

What do you think of my glasses?
What do they say?

They say,
"Guys don't make passes

at girls who wear glasses."

And guys don't make passes
at guys with fat asses.

I think they make me
look smart.

Yeah, Jack, it's the
intellectual equivalent

of stuffing a sock
in your pants.

♪ Funny funny funny
funny funny ♪♪

Grace, what are you doing?

I'm listening to the couple
downstairs.

Fine, don't tell me.

I'm ready for you
to read my play.

[chuckles] Wait, whoa.
What play? You're a writer now?

Sarcasm noted and
quickly forgotten. Bye-bye.

For your information,

I've been taking a playwriting
class at the Learning Annex.

Ah, that explains the
scathing "Fat ass" retort.

Okay, you know what,
let's just forget it

and, uh, have dinner, and
you'll read it after I leave.

- Dinner?
- Yeah.

Will invited me to dinner.

You were there, Grace.
Don't you remember?

We discussed you making your
famous moist-free chicken.

[gagging]

Oh! Oh, no. Oh, that's right.
Uh, Jack, I am so...

Judy: No.

Oh, my God, did you
hear that "No?"

[sighs]
Evil, thy name is Ooey.

I forgot too. I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

Okay, promise me
you'll both read this, okay?

I need notes prontito.

I'm having a stage reading
Tuesday

and I'm kind of a little anxious
about it.

- Tuesday, no problem.
- Alright, whatever.

Do you want to try that
one more time with feeling?

- Tuesday, no problem.
- Alright, whatever.

Great. That's the kind of
enthusiasm I'm looking for.

And, Will, don't forget
we're on for Lady Bunny

and her All Boy Revue
on Friday.

- Don't blow me off.
- I won't.

If you're gonna think about
blowing me off,

do not blow me off.

- I won't.
- It's Friday.

Don't blow me off.

"Repetitious and repetitious,"

said "The New York Times."

Oh! You queens really
do know theatre.

[instrumental music]

Rosario. Hi, honey, listen,
I'm running a little late.

Yeah, things are muy loco
at the officina.

Listen, I'm gonna need you
to feed the kids

and read 'em something
before bedtime.

Well, I don't know, honey,

why don't you read 'em
that book they love,

"Green Eggs And I'm Hammered."

[laughing]

No... no, Rosario.

Now, why would I want to
speak to them?

What? I just...

[chuckles]
Hola.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Outfit?
- Custom.

- Perfection.
- I know.

I'm freaking out
about my play.

Honey, come here. I don't
produce theatre. I am theatre!

[laughing]

Please, Karen,
I need your help.

You were so instrumental
in the success

of my one-man show,
"Just Jack."

Remember how nervous I was
before "Just Jack?"

But you were there
to support me and coach me

and make me "Just Jack."

Just shut up!

Alright, criminy.
Let me see the material.

"Love Among The Coconuts:
A Caribbean Fantasy?" [chuckles]

I don't know, honey.

Sounds like a dessert
that repeats.

Tomorrow, I'm casting
the role of Plantain,

a magnificently built island man
who wears nothing

but puka shells
and a palm frond.

I'll pick you up.

[instrumental music]

Grace!

Oh, um, I'm just
leaving for work.

- It's 6 o'clock, crazy.
- Oh, I'm late.

So now you're skipping work
altogether?

- I called in sick.
- Called who? You're the boss.

I know.
It was a strange conversation.

If I do it again,
I'm gonna fire me.

Grace!

Will, I had to.

Ooey got into a huge fight
with Thomas.

- Who's Thomas?
- Her Husband!

- Oh, for--
- Oh, it was so good!

Grace: She came home, and he was
like, "Where have you been?"

Grace: And she's all,
"I don't have to answer that"

and he's like,
"Oh, yes, you do."

Grace: And then there was like
20 seconds of dead silence.

Oh, that sounds even better than
"The Real World: Seattle."

Look, I don't want to have
this conversation anymore.

- But, Will, I mean--
- No, no, no, no. Enough.

No more. Okay?
This is wrong, period.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go down
to the laundry room.

Never gesture emphatically
with a taco in your hand.

- Oliver Wendell Holmes?
- Cesar Romero.

- I just met Judy.
- Who's Judy?

- Ooey is Judy.
- Judy is Ooey?

Yes, it's... it's truey.

The guy
she's having the affair with...

- Dennis.
- Yeah. Thomas' brother.

No!

Ow!

Yes, yes. It's ugly,
it's sordid.

Move over, I'm in.

- Okay, what did I miss?
- Ugh, it's so tragic.

Her husband is out there
saving lives at a hospital,

while Slutina flits
around the apartment

in a satin robe, having--

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down there, Church Lady.

First of all,
Thomas is a dermatologist.

He's not saving lives,
he's popping zits.

And second, he's-- he's been
checked out of that relationship

for two years now.

Trust me, she's gonna leave him
for Dennis.

That would be totally immoral.

It would break
the commandment about...

um... coveting
thy husband's brother's ass.

Wow, I break that one
all the time.

I can't believe you blew me off.
Where the hell were you?

I just spent three hours in the
freezing cold outside a drag bar

being harassed by a pair
of Rosemary Clooneys.

Well, why didn't you go in?

- Because you have the tickets.
- Oh. Sorry.

- Right here.
- Oh, great. Thanks a lot.

Lot of good
this is gonna do me.

Lady Bunny and her All Boy Revue

have already dewigged,
deglossed and departed.

Shh, shh, shh.
She's back, she's back.

Did you at least read my play?

I've been a little busy, Jack.

Judy: I can't take this anymore.

You tell him, sweetheart.

Wait a minute.
This is your busy?

Trust me, Jack,
it's oddly riveting.

Grace, what about you?
Did you read it?

- Agh!
- Oh, I see.

I guess maintaining the
13 shades of red in your hair

keeps you so busy,
you don't have any time

for recreational reading.

Jack, there is a marriage
breaking up down there.

It's kind of important.

- Hello? And I'm not?
- Believe me.

You'll gain a little
perspective next week

when you're, I don't know,
studying to be a wet nurse

and your script is lining
the bottom of Guapo's birdcage.

Eh... Ugh!

I can't... W-- would...
Did you... Agh!

[instrumental music]

Okay, okay, that wasn't bad.

Um...

I-- I'm-- I'm not sure
if playing coy

would be the way to go. Uh...

but good job. Let's start...
Oh, excuse me.

Finally, my God, you're here.
I'm a wreck.

I can't get the scene to work
and it's very important.

Yeah, well, I had
something important too.

I just had a facial
at Yolanda's.

I'm sorry. Yolanda's?
I didn't know.

Oh... Oh, Lord.

Is that one person?

He's auditioning for
the part of Plantain.

Well, I thought you wanted an
island native, not an island.

He's the only guy that showed up
for the audition

and I didn't have the heart to
tell him he didn't get the part.

Actually, I didn't have the guts
to tell him. Can you?

Alright, I'll take care of it.

[chuckles]
Hi.

Listen, um...

Oh, honey, I think you got
a little barbecue sauce,

just, uh, eh... eh, yeah.
There you go, there you go.

Got it.
[chuckles]

Gotta remember to wear a bib

when you're eatin'
those dinosaur legs.[laughing]

Ho. [sighs]

I love this. It's...

But, you know,
uh, we feel that

the character
is coming off too, uh...

Jewish.

Karen: But listen,
thanks for coming down.

Wa-- watch the support beam,
honey. It's...

You know, we actually
ran it a couple times.

He wasn't bad. I mean,
if you closed your eyes,

he kinda had a
Lou Diamond Phillips quality.

But it just
wasn't working out.

I don't know,
maybe it was the actor.

Jack, sit down.

Listen...

I, um, I finished reading
your skittle

on the treadmill
this morning,

and, uh, you got some
bigger problems

than your friend, King Thong,
out there.

What are you talking about?

Your play stinks.

It does? Well, which pages?

Uh, the ones with words on 'em.

"Come to me, Tonga, and let us
make lup-lup on my houseboat."

No, honey, it's not good.

Karen,
it's a Caribbean fantasy.

It's a Caribbean nightmare!

[sighs]

Well, what am I gonna do?

Write about
what's important to you,

relationships, your family,
your friends.

I'll take "Painful Things"
for five hundred.

Exactly, honey. Yes!

And when viewed in
that light, why,

your life is an
embarrassment of riches.

Thanks, Karen. I knew
you'd make me feel better.

Oh.

[sighs]

Will: Grace, major development
in the vent.

She's cooking him lamb.
[scoffs] Lamb, Grace!

It's so clear.
She's leaving him tonight.

It's gonna get ugly.

- It's gonna get good!
- Yeah!

We need ice cream.

What-- what flavor
of ice cream goes

with the destruction
of a loveless marriage?

- Rocky road.
- Yeah!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

We have Jack's play tonight.

We have to leave
in less than 15 minutes.

That's right.
He's a writer this week.

What are we gonna do?

I wonder if she's started
cooking the lamb yet.

[sniffing]

About 20 minutes in.

- How do you do that?
- It's a gift.

Okay. Now, they're gonna have to
start with some wine, right?

He-- he'll have one glass,
she'll have 12.

If she plans this right,
she'll announce that

she's leaving him
right after the entree

and then use dessert
to lift his depression.

So, wait, that gives us what?
An hour and a half?

So we can make an appearance
at Jack's play

and be back in time for
the tearful breakup sex!

Life is good.

[instrumental music]

Where is Mr. Kot-ter?

Wow. I haven't been in
a classroom like this

since Jimmy Johnson and I...

You know what? I'm not even
gonna finish that sentence.

I'm just gonna have
a happy party in my head.

Okay, everybody, chop-chop,
in your seats.

We're about to begin, okay?

And lights.

Yes. Hello, my name...

Uh, excuse me, you in
the capped shirt?

Yeah, um, I'm sorry,
but when the hand goes up,

the mouth goes shut, okay?

Yes, you're a button, okay.

Anyway, my name
is Jack McFarland,

and tonight I will be showcasing
scenes from my new play,

"Untitled
Jack McFarland Fall Project

Entitled: Jack:
A Meditation In Three Parts."

I guess "There's Something
About Mary" was already taken.

We open at a funeral.
Not yet!

[blabbering]

[sighs]

Jack is dead, the victim
of a wayward city bus.

[gasps] As we begin,

his friends arrive to mourn his
sudden passing.

Now.

Come on, Will, let's go.
We've been here five minutes.

Come on, Will, let's go.
We've been here five minutes.

- Can we go?
- Yeah, we've paid our respects.

Besides, our soaps are on.

And I'd rather spend time
with imaginary people

I don't even know than this
sweet dead man

who devoted his life to us.

You know, I only read
the first few pages,

but something tells me this
isn't leading to the scene

where five Laotian houseboys
face the pain of adolescence.

Will Actor: So, you want
to play cards?

Grace Actor: I don't care,
whatever.

Okay, five card stud.
Jacks or better to open.

Jack?

- I miss him so.
- Oh, it's no use.

Everything we do
just reminds us of Jack.

If only we'd known this while
he was still alive,

we would have
appreciated him more.

Well, the staging isn't much,
but the, uh,

the subtlety of his language.

Oh, if only there was something
that we could do

to be with him again.

Well, there is... one thing.

You're right.

We're coming, Jack!

Come on,
don't bogart the poison.

[screams]

[gagging]

What did you do to Jack
to make him so mad at you?

Excuse me, I'm not drinking
alone up there.

Jack: Lights.

We are now in the afterlife.

Alright, stand back. No pushing.

Don't crowd the pearly gates.

We can only let a few of you
people in.

Alright, you, you and you.

You, in the acid-washed jeans,
you're gonna have to wait...

a while.

Oh, and, honey,
did you really think

you could get into
heaven wearing body glitter?

Well, you can't.
No, can't. Sorry.

- Excuse me.
- Name?

Um, Grace Adler and Will Truman.

Hmm, you're not on the list.

Is Jack here?
Can we speak to Jack?

Oh, [chuckles] well, he's here,
honey, but he's way too busy.

I mean, he is huge in heaven.

You know what?
Let me check the other list.

Oh, yeah, Adler and Truman,
right on the top.

Wow. Okay, you two
are downstairs,

where there's lots of vents
pushin' up a lotta heat.

Okay, enjoy your journey
to hell! [laughing]

Cut! Print! Tony!
I mean, curtain!

Thank you all for coming,
thank you.

Oh, my God.
What did we do?

I think it's more
what we didn't do.

I gotta talk to him.

Yeah, 'cause if this thing's
goin' to Broadway...

Okay, take care, guys.
Kisses, okay?

- Jack?
- Yeah.

So you guys are all goin' to the
cast party, right?

Yeah, I heard Pacino's
gonna be there.

I-- I don't
know if that's true or not.

Grace: We're sorry.

- Yeah, well...
- You know, I-- I feel terrible.

I mean, um, we didn't pay
attention--

Words, words, words, Will.

Well, Jack?

What, uh, what can we do

and wh-- what's it gonna take
to get us out of hell?

Yeah, you know, of all the
jackets you've given me tonight,

I think... yeah,
this one's the best.

Just needs to be taken in a
little. Around the waist...

and the hips. Pretty much
everywhere, so.

Thomas: Still feel kind of funny
about listening to them,

but in a w-- weird way, it
makes me feel better about us.

Yeah. I mean, whatever problems
you and I have,

at least I'm not married
to a gay guy.

Jack: Gracie, I'm gonna need
a water bath

for this chicken. Chop-chop.