All language subtitles for cuckoo_-_506

Thanks for coming so quickly.

I just wanted to have a bit of a talk
about the campaign.

I've been looking over the books, and
we've got a bit of a funding crisis.

What? How much have we got left?

None. I mean, I've been doing my best to
get donations from local grandies, but,

you know, you have to take them out for
nice dinners.

I mean, I've had some amazing culinary
experiences.

But it's very expensive, you know, and
it's utterly inescapable.

Oh!

Hi! Lorna.

Oh, hi. How are you? Wow.

Lorna. No way.

No way.

Marcus Costello.

Ken, this is Marcus.

We went out briefly in college.

Yeah, we did.

Lorna was always the one that got away.

Oh, gee.

She's still away.

So, how are you? What have you been up
to?

Well, you probably already know this,
but...

I got involved in health foods.

No. Well, I did.

Yeah, I started a chain of vegan stores.

Great Green Grains.

Yep, yep, I heard of them. Well, I sold
that for loads, by the way, and now I

invest in charities and good causes.

You might have seen me on telly.

No.

Really? No, not once. No, never, never.
No.

Anyway, that's the story.

Very rich on telly. Oh.

What's yours?

Yeah, this is my other half, Ken, and...
Is he rich and on telly? Sorry, got to

go. Just kidding.

OK, I'm just going to interrupt there.

To invite Marcus to dinner at yours on
Wednesday.

Sorry, what's this? Great, love to.

Lorna, it'd be great to catch up.

Lorna.

What did you just do?

Um, it's your campaign.

Marcus has got loads of money. You've
got no money because somebody ate all

the money in the nice dinner.

Yes, that was you.

Anyway, I think it'd be amazing for you
to cook a lovely supper for your wife's

rich ex-boyfriend. It'd be exciting.

Oh, hi.

Well, at least I'll get a nice meal out
of that, I suppose.

I'll give that lamb kofta.

He's a baker.

Things I do for campaign funding.

Making tofu cacciatore.

I don't know how people do it. No, no
delicious steak for me, please. I would

prefer wet, taste-free Chinese
blancmange. I can't believe we have to

have Marcus Costello round.

He's gazing at me like I'm the brummie
Mona Lisa.

Oh, where are you going?

Hot brunch date.

Local businessman.

Barely scrapes ten million.

But... My visa's up at the end of the
month, and I have to be realistic.

Ivy, ready to roll?

Oh, hi, Steve.

Nice outfit.

It's cool, isn't it? Ivy chose it for
me. Very retro, very... Hey, Steve, when

you go for a drive in your new outfit,
does my sister by chance just sit in the

back and not speak to you?

Yeah. Good guessing, Ken. Very, very
good guessing.

Isn't he the most perfect, chivalrous
English gentleman?

Lady.

What? Wish me luck, everyone. I will be
married by the end of the... Oh.

He cancelled.

No.

What a shame.

Real shame.

Well, I'm sure he'll rearrange.

Oh, come on, Miss Tigglytop. It's a
beautiful day.

Let's go outside and get some sunshine.

Where are you going?

No, because my throne is in your
freezer.

In my freezer? Why aren't they in your
freezer?

Mine got buffed about a month ago. I
mistook it for an armed invader whilst

drunk.

Did quite a lot of damage.

I'm in the friend zone, Ken.

I'm just hanging in there.

What's wrong with me?

There's nothing wrong with you, Steve.

You're one of Jim Henson's most
realistic creations.

With her by my side, there is nothing I
couldn't achieve.

Right. I'm going to have my lunch in the
garden.

I did it. I just left Ben. I thought it
was over.

Oh, you'd better come in then.

Oh, jeez, what a relief.

Yeah, it must be.

How is Ben? Is he okay?

Oh, I've never seen him like that.

He kicked over a Subutio table. Whoa.

Oh, God.

Tash. I feel so guilty.

But it's for the best.

Totally. Yeah.

I got out of this house and I was
feeling so brave, you know. So I got on

the phone and I told my parents. Wow.

So what? You did what?

There's no point living in fear, Rach.

You're me now.

So? When are you coming out?

Coming out?

Sorry, Tasha, I'm never sure I ever felt
really in.

Sexuality, it's a fluid thing, isn't it?

It's like, anyway, weren't we just going
to keep it to ourselves for a while, you

know, just for Ben's sake?

Mm.

I thought like a week.

Right. Yeah, no, I was thinking more
like, I don't know, three years.

Shit, that's Ben's car.

Hide. We should tell him now. No,
freaking wait.

Get onto the duvet.

Give me that.

Give me that.

Great,

that's gone.

Poor baby.

Ken, you monster.

What have you done? What have I done?

Oh, dear Lord.

Did she eat any of this?

What? Ken, how could you?

It's got gluten.

You monster.

Is the fat really necessary?

Oh, sorry.

We'll be at the vet very soon.

Yeah. I know.

My brother is a horrible person.

Just say your mantras and stay balanced.

Have a little tinkle on the upholstery
if it feels good. He won't mind.

I'll mind.

I'll mind.

I just never saw it coming.

One minute we're watching Aston Villa's
100 Greatest Girls, and the next...

She's saying our relationship is
uninspiring.

I mean, explain that.

So out of the blue.

Literally, for all of us, no-one could
have known.

I just haven't felt this bad since you
cheated on me with Dale.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

Thank you for

paying for the bed.

So what is the point of free health care
that's only for humans?

Yeah. My pleasure, though. Well,
apparently the vet's going to have to

put a camera up her backside.

I know.

And he asked me if it was okay if he
gave her local anesthetic. So I asked

him, would she feel any pain?

Yeah. And he was like, some.

And again, I just don't want her to feel
any pain.

So, I say to him, put her to sleep.

And he's all like, she doesn't need to
be put to sleep.

And I'm like, my dog is in pain.

Put her to sleep.

And he was like, what if you change your
mind?

And I was like, why would I change my
mind?

Okay, I'm sorry, Ivy. Did you tell them
how to put Miss Tigglytops to sleep?

Yes.

Otherwise, she is going to witness a
probe going up her butthole. I mean, how

inhumane is that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but
were those the words you used, put her

to sleep?

Yes, and I had to say it many times.

Miss Tigglytops was a dog, and some
might say not human.

But if you bring a dog, does she not
bleed?

If you forget to feed her, does she not
starve?

So all these things that make us human,
emotions, friendship, love, a vigorous

exercise, biscuits.

Miss Tigglytops had all these and more.

So I say to the naysayers, loud and
clear, not human.

She was the best man among us.

Oh, Danny.

The pipes, the pipes are cooling.

Ken, what am I doing?

My husband's abandoned me.

I'm living in this backwater, far-flung
civilization without any money, and now

I have killed my best friend.

Yeah, that is quite depressing when you
put it like that.

Miss Tilly Tops was all I had left.

Oh, I know. She could be hypercritical,
pompous, stuck in her ideas.

I mean, I never really saw that side of
her. You're being kind.

She was the only one to ever show me any
real affection.

My only family.

Hey, now we're your family too.

Okay, so you hold some deranged views
like mad, but we're here for you.

That's so kind.

But it doesn't really make any
difference, does it?

Who am I kidding with this visa
situation?

I'm never going to find an Englishman to
marry me.

Well, you say that.

I mean, there is someone who might be
persuaded.

Oh, God.

There has got to be a better way.

Mum, how long do you think you need to
wait before you move on?

Oh, Rach.

God knows, love.

I had my heart broken back at uni.

I told myself I was over it, and that's
how I ended up with tomorrow's dinner

guest, Marcus Twatface Costello. Oh,
God.

It didn't end well, then? No.

No. I woke up one morning and I just
thought, whoa, whoa, whoa.

This guy is not my type. Too smooth.

I like my men.

Cracky. I can see that.

Looking back, I think I just went for
something completely different.

Like, if I ran in the opposite
direction, I wouldn't get hurt.

Stupid, of course.

Yeah.

Stupid.

Yeah.

So stupid.

Really super stupid.

Well.

Quite stupid.

This is proper stupid.

Oh, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Right, yeah.

Thanks for that.

Stupid.

Steve?

You have to stop coming round in the
middle of the night. What are you doing

in the freezer?

Donna.

Mine's still out of action, so... Night,
Lorna.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Night, Steve.

She was so young.

And the tragedy is, if this had happened
two months ago, she could have been

preserved. How do you mean preserved? By
the Middlefork Foundation.

We had cryogenic facilities to store her
until scientists cured dog death.

And now there is no hope of us ever
being reunited in another century.

You want to come through, Rach?

Cooking my arse off for some rich vegan
who's got the hots for your mum. Yeah.

Mum,

is that what you're wearing?

Oldest, tattiest thing I could find.

I don't want Marcus getting any ideas.

Look, all we need to do is just be
pleasant for an evening, and then right

at the end, I have to go out for money.

Oh, that'll be...

Hey, Cash. Hey, Cash.

Ben not wicked tonight.

Oh, I split up with Ben.

Oh, really?

Oh, poor Ben. What happened?

All right, Mum.

Bloody hell, don't give the third
degree.

It's pretty raw.

Come on, matey.

Let's go to my room.

Look at Facebook.

Matey. Did you just tell them?

Yeah. Didn't we talk about this?

It's about keeping it on the down life.
Yeah, I was thinking that you're wrong.

Let's just do it.

I love Rachel Thompson!

Sorry,

but... You love me.

Well, obviously we love each other.

So many things I heard, like living
together.

Maybe in Berlin.

Kids. You know, I'd be happy to adopt a
refugee baby with you. Okay, stop.

Tash. Tash, sorry.

This is all just going really fast. I
mean, it's just ideas.

Tash, two weeks ago, we were just
friends.

It all just feels like a really big
leap.

Rach, there is nothing to be scared
about.

All I'm saying is... I don't know what I
want.

I'm only just getting over Dale.

Can we not just go back to, you know,
being friends?

And then maybe in a couple of months...
So you don't love me?

Are you just playing around?

Not deliberately.

Deep breath in.

And remember to balance your chakras,
Miss Tickly.

No work.

I need you to come with me.

What?

Now.

Where are we going?

You'll see.

Lorna. Marcus.

So good to see you.

Flowers. Oh.

Wine. Right. And a sugar-free cake.

It has a taste completely different to
real cake.

Well, that sounds delicious.

I just think it's important we should
stay in shape for ourselves and our

loved ones. Couldn't agree more.

I'll take it.

I'll take the wine.

So,

you remembered.

Remembered what?

The cardi.

You were in our first date together.

It was special for me, too.

Can I use the little boys' room?

Yeah, yeah.

Just...

Ted,

is your campaign really worth this? It's
like you're pimping me out.

Calm down.

I'm going to sit you next to Tasha in
the meal. We can have sanctum and pie

together. It's going to be fine. I
promise you, it's not going to be at all

awkward.

That hollandaise was delicious.

Let me.

Turmeric, cayenne, cashew butter.

Spot on.

Oh, you're good. Isn't it good?

Oh, yeah, really good, yeah. You see,
people say to me, they say vegan food

means less tasty.

But actually, your taste buds become
more sensitive. This wine, for example.

It's piss.

But it's probably okay for you.

Yeah. No, it is.

For me.

Well, main course?

Are you vegan, Rachel?

Yeah, I'm sort of vegan. You know, I
try.

Some days.

That's interesting, Rachel.

So you're sort of pretend vegan, then
hanging out with vegans and then flaking

out.

Mm-hm.

Yeah, that's a really good way of
putting it, Dad.

Here we are.

Whoa.

Oh, that smells delicious, Dad.

No, no, no, no.

With my Nona's cacciatore, we always try
the sauce with the bread first.

Like this.

Fingers crossed.

That is... Wow.

Now I see what you're seeing in Rona.

I didn't at first.

I've never tasted cacciatore like it.
Not a single living screaming being

involved.

Bravo. Let me in.

Ben,

what are you doing here?

Filling my destiny, Ken. Where is she?
Where is the most amazing girl in the

world? Ben?

Dash, I am not letting you get away. You
say you don't want me, but I am not

losing you.

I'm sorry, I'm snotty. Ben, you're not
very dignified.

Dash. I may not be the most fashionable
man or the best-looking man, but I

am an extremely dependable lawyer.

And I've had a few pints, and suddenly
it came to me.

I had to come here. I had to. I had to.
I had to. Dad, no.

Dad, please.

Marry me.

Please. Please.

Please.

I'll marry you, Ben.

Really?

You're not playing around.

This is awesome.

Are you serious?

Let's get out of here, eh?

I'm going to put it better myself.

Goodbye,

Ken. Goodbye, Laura.

Bye, Ben. I'm getting bloody married.

Stop.

I'm so, so sorry.

He fought for her.

Oh.

He didn't just let her go like me.

I never deserved you, Lorna. Ken, I have
been a

prick. No, no.

Whatever you want for your campaign,
I'll write you a check.

Really?

Yeah. That's great.

That's unexpected.

That's so... Is that all right?

Oh, Mr. Charles.

And you must be Miss Mittelfart.

Come in, please. Hi. Thank you. Just
wait here.

Steve, what's going on? It's cold in
here.

I couldn't bear to see you upset about
Miss Tickley-Tops.

So I phoned up these cryogenic guys.

And I got myself a deal.

Oh, you... Cryogenically froze your dog,
yes.

But I could only afford the head.

So I kept her in Ken's freezer overnight
and brought her here this afternoon.

Oh, Steve, that is so touching. I just
wanted you to know how much I care.

I'm here for you, Ivy. You are, aren't
you?

My hairy little knight.

Steve. Yes?

Would you consider marrying me?

Yes. Oh, strictly for visa
considerations, I'm not attracted to you

in the least. Quite the opposite, in
fact.

Well, it doesn't matter. I've got years
to turn that around.

But you won't. But I might. Not going to
happen.

I hope you won't.

Mr. Chance, there seems to be a slight
problem.

Are you sure this is what you wanted us
to free?

What is that?

Well, I'm no expert, but it looks like
tofu cacciatore.

Let's celebrate.

Why not?

Shall we? Get an open camera.

I can hardly wait.

What a night.

Oh, stop!

Anyone for more vino?

What is it?

Oh, God, I tasted it.

What is this? Some kind of carnival
joke?

They make fun of the vegan by serving
him the head of a dog. I think, uh...

Lorna. You've changed.

You would never have done this.

Oh, um, the check, though.

Okay.

Ah.