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Apples. Apples.

Where do you think
you're going?

What do you mean...?

Shut up, you pasty-faced palookas.

Apples, apples.

Apples.

Hey, Annie!

Come round to the house sometime. I got a
lot of silverware hanging around loose.

Apples.

Hello, Schultzie, how's business?
- Not so good over at the Apollo.

Go over to the Casino.
They got a hit over there.

Is that so?
I'll go right over. Thanks.

Yeah. If you changed your tune once in
a while, perhaps you'd have better luck.

Dave the Dude wants to see you, Annie.
He's over at Missouri Martin's.

Yeah, l know.
How's pickings, Smiley?

Terrible. Everybody's broke.
Must be tough on them.

Stop yappin'. Didn't you hear
the President over the radio?

Get on over to the Casino.
They've got a hit over there.

- They have?
- Sure. Spread it around.

Don't forget Missouri Martin's.
Dude said it was important.

Alright, l won't. Apples.
Apples.

Okay, girls.

What's going on?

- What's the mystery?
- Babe, Dude's got a big bet on.

- Yeah, what kind of bet? - You're liable
to scare the fly. - What fly?

Dude bet the Greek the fly would
land on his piece of sugar first.

- What do you say, Dude? 500 more?
- You're on.

What do you think
you're doing, Shakespeare?

I'm decoying him, Dude,
over to your lump.

Tough luck, Dude.
That's 1500 you owe me.

I bet the Greek's got
them flies trained.

Now that the animal act's over,
let's get going.

- Yeah, we better get going.
- Let's blow.

Hey, Dude, l give you
a chance to get even.

- Nothing doing.
- Alright.

This is a lot of hokum,
playing around with flies

when a real sucker's waiting
for us, with real dough.

What's the matter, handsome?
No luck?

I should have know better than
to bet without my apple.

I'm going to find Apple Annie.

You're searching for her now?

Listen, Happy. This is one of the
biggest stud games l've sat in.

I'm not taking any chances.
Look what just happened to me.

I even lost to the Greek.

Did l tell you about the fella,
superstitious about a hunchback?

He went looking for him one day
and got run over by a truck.

A fella told me it was
hard luck to be superstitious.

- Go out and find Apple Annie.
- Okay, Dude. I'm on my way.

I'm a first class monkey
if l can see how you can win pots

by buying apples from
old dames.

Can't find your apple, Dude?
Here's something for good luck.

Cut it out. Cut it out.

He wants apples, not lemons.

Happy, in case you break anything,
make sure it's your neck.

- Hello, Annie.
- Hello, Dude.

- Did l keep you waiting?
- No.

You've got a great racket, Annie.

Couple more suckers like the Dude
and you can retire in a year.

Pull up your chin, Happy,
you're liable to step on it.

- Never mind the change.
- God bless you.

- So how'd you do last week?
- Okay.

Where were you Saturday?
I couldn't win a race.

Saturday?

I wasn't feeling so good Saturday.

- Drinking again.
- Who? Me?

I ain't touched a drop in weeks.

Cut it out. Doc Michel says
your kidneys are all shot.

He's an old fool, doesn't know
what he's talking about.

If you two are going to
discuss Annie's kidneys...

Your car's ready, Mr. Dude.

Mr. Dude,
l can't find her no place.

There you are!
The Dude wants to see you.

Nice work, Shakespeare.
So long, Annie.

I bet the cards
treat you right tonight, Dude.

They will, l'll tell 'em the Dude
bought an apple from Annie.

Did you get it?

Don't l always get it?

- The classiest stationary we have.
- Thank you.

- Thank you, Oscar.
- That bunch costs you 50 cents.

50 cents? You never charge me
more than two bits.

It's conditions. People don't leave
things in their rooms anymore.

It's got so bad l have to
buy my own toothpaste.

- That's awful, Oscar.
- Even my wife's complaining.

Remember when she was the
best-smelling woman on the block?

I brought her back so much perfume
she used to stink with it.

- Cheer up. Things will get better.
- I guess so.

When are you expecting
your next letter?

There's a mail boat in
from Spain in the morning.

Okay, l'll watch out for it.

There's a good soul!
I'll pay you beginning of the week.

And don't you forget it.

If l'm caught stealing letters,
l'll get fired.

- No, you mustn't get fired.
- They will if they catch me.

Who are you getting
these letters from anyhow?

None of your business.

- A new lover, eh?
- That's it.

A new lover.

You old devil, you.

Get out of the way.

That's for getting in the way.

Hey, scat!

The very idea.

Couldn't you find any other place
to sleep on but my picture?

"My dear...

adorable...

daughter.

The social season...

is over.

And so,

the reception...

l came to...

Lord...

Lord Woodcliff's."

Here's to Lord Woodcliff.

"They say to wish you success."

I just love Annie's music.

"It breaks my heart that l've not
been able to see you these years,

but Doctor Michel, the old crab,

still says it would be fatal
for me to make an ocean voyage.

Your stepfather thought
he might make the trip this year."

You didn't know you had
a stepfather, did you?"

Neither did l.

"The young man you write about

sounds perfectly darling.

I hope he loves you as much

as you love him.

And as much as l love you,
my darling.

Oscar, where have you been?

You shouldn't keep me waiting
when l'm expecting a letter.

Why, Oscar. Where's your uniform?

Oscar, what's happened?

You haven't lost your job?

You shouldn't fool me like this.

They can't fire you!

They can't, eh?
Well, they did.

They caught me putting
your letter in my pocket.

Where's my letter?

What am l going to tell the wife?
That's what l want to know.

- Where's my letter?
- How do l know? They took it.

Annie, where you going?
They won't let you in that way.

Hey! Hey!

You must be
in the wrong place, madam.

- Peasants aren't allowed in here.
- There's a strict rule about...

Let me go, let me go!

I beg your pardon.

Oh, my goodness.

There's some mail here
for me, a letter.

Mail?
Are you stopping here, Madam?

No, but there's a letter.
It came this morning for me.

It's from Barcelona, Spain.

It's very important.

Well, what is your name, please?

Mrs. E. Worthington Manville.

- Mrs. E. Worthington Manville?
- Yes.

Mrs. E. Worthington Manville.

I'm the manager.
Anything l can do for you?

Yes, if you please.

There's a letter here for me
and l'd like to get it.

Letter?
Addressed to the hotel?

Yes...

l told that other man
all about it.

- You're not a guest of the hotel?
- No, anybody can see that!

Please, no need for shouting.

Then why don't you
give me my letter?

What's the use of
asking me foolish questions?

I'm afraid l have to ask you
to leave the hotel.

Well, l won't go
till l get my letter!

I'll be compelled to
call the police.

Well, call the police.
Call anybody you like.

I'm not a criminal.
I haven't done anything wrong.

Mister, please.

I don't want trouble for the hotel.

All l want is my letter.
It's from my daughter, see?

It came all the way from Spain.

Just a moment.

- Lloyd.
- Yes, sir?

Do you remember
a letter addressed to Mrs...?

E. Worthington Manville

Yes, it came in this morning.

There, you see?
I told you it was here.

Let her have it.

God bless you kindly, sir.
God bless you.

Why are you standing there?
Go get it.

I sent it back.

You sent it back?

Sir, there's no one registered
here under that name,

so l sent it back marked
"party not known here".

But you can't. She'll find out
that l'm not living here.

- Don't you see?
- Please, please.

Has the mail left yet?

Yes, the boy took it out
a few minutes ago.

It's probably...

There he is now.

- Hey, boy, boy!
- Please.

Don't put any more in there!
Don't put any more...

You can't do this here.

She's quite crazy.

There it is.
I knew it was here.

I'd know it any place.

Leave this hotel at once.

Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.

She's fainted.

It's an old lady.

Come on, grandma.

You all right now, mother?

I'm...

Where's my letter?

Where's my letter?

- Here.
- There you are.

- Do you feel alright?
- Now leave me alone.

I'm all right.

Nothing's the matter with me.
I'm all right.

So, if my daughter comes here,

all you gotta do is
say that l'm dead.

That ought to be easy enough?

It won't do the hotel any harm.

"Mrs. E. Worthington Manville
passed away last week."

That's simple enough.

Oh, yes. Say there was
a funeral, a big funeral,

and lots of flowers,

and all the
prominent people came.

If they ask about Mr. Manville,

just say he was so broken up

he had to take a trip
around the world for a year.

Make it two years.
That'll do the trick.

Pretty slick, isn't it?

It's Apple Annie.

- Come on, Annie.
- Will you do it for me?

- I won't bother you any more.
- Take her out of here.

- Come on, Annie.
- I won't... you've got to.

- You can't let me...
- Come on, never mind.

You've gotta! You've gotta!

Sure, we can talk business
if the proposition's right.

No, we want the whole stable,
every horse in it.

Look, three sixes.

Listen, Babcock without
Sun Count or Beau Geste,

we wouldn't give you counterfeit
script for the whole outfit.

Okay, how much you want?

What?

He'd take a hundred grand.
It's a steal.

A hundred thousand?

What do you boys expect us
to do, rob the Mint?

Okay, if l can line up the Dude,
we'll step around and see ya.

It's a pushover, Dude.
Babcock must need the money.

Take it from me, you're lucky.

Which of these vests do you like,
the white or the striped?

Let's get going. We can knock
this deal over in an hour.

I can't find her, Boss.
Can't find her no place.

- Can't find who?
- Apple Annie.

I looked high and low for her.
She ain't nowheres around.

That's why you were stalling.

What do you mean,
"couldn't find her"?

I get a lot of help
from you guys.

I feed you pretty good.
You got dough in your pockets.

Listen. I know what l'm doing
and l don't go into this deal

till l get an apple from Annie.

Listen 'stupe',
all you had to do

was ask any panhandler
on Broadway.

That's just it, there ain't no
panhandlers on Broadway.

What?

Listen, l hope my mother croaks
if this ain't the truth.

I walked over town for hours.
Ain't a beggar on the streets.

I suppose they're all
in Europe on vacation.

Search me. It's got me scared.
Broadway looks like a morgue.

Blind man here.
His name is Shorty.

- Shorty? A blind man?
- Yes.

Bring him in.

None of them around, eh?

Get that dizzy dame off your mind.

I don't think about her
in the daytime.

Let 'em in.

- Hello, Dude.
- Hello.

- What do you mugs want?
- It's about Annie.

What about Annie? I've been
looking all over town for her.

She's in an awful jam.

- Been drinkin' again, huh?
- No, it ain't that.

Notterhead found her
walking by the water.

Yeah, she was in a daze.

She was walking down the
waterfront, talking to herself.

Good thing Notterhead
ran into her.

What is all this?

- She's in an awful jam.
- I heard that.

For years she's been swiping
stationary from the Marberry.

And writing her daughter
she's in high society.

- Daughter?
- She's got a daughter in Europe.

Been in a convent
ever since she was a baby.

Sends her money every month.

Now she's gonna marry
a Count or something.

What is all this, a racket?
Anybody know where she lives?

- First Avenue, 314.
- Remember that. I'm going there.

Okay, you mugs. Out of here!

Come on, you heard.

Happy, go to Babcock's
and stall him till l get there.

Shakespeare, come along with me.

As soon as l get my apple
l'll meet you over there.

As l live and breathe,

my old friend, the Dude.

Come in, gentlemen.

I thought so. On the gin again.
Where's your apples?

Come on in.
The butler will take your things.

You didn't know l had
a butler, did you, Dude?

I've got lots of butlers,

millions of 'em.

Where you been, you old buzzard?
I've looked all day for you.

So good of you to come down
for the hunting season.

Everyone always comes down
for the hunting season.

Dude, let's get out of here.
When she's crocked,

she pulls this 'society' stuff.
Gives me the creeps.

You trying to kill yourself?

You know what Doc Michel said.
This stuff'll poison you.

Hey, Boss.

This must be the daughter
them panhandlers was yappin' about.

You haven't met my daughter,
have you?

She's coming over to visit me.

Isn't she lovely?

She's coming over here...

with a Count.

She's gonna marry
the Count's son.

That's the kind of people
l associate with.

Funny, isn't it?

She thinks l'm in high society.

Wait till she sees me!

It's going to be funny
when she finds out

her mother is Apple Annie.

Why don't you laugh?

Why don't you laugh?

It's funny, l tell you.

Apple Annie,
from Schubert Alley.

Apple Annie...

from Schubert Alley.

Old fool, getting herself
in a jam like that.

Remind me to send
Doc Michel down here.

- What you gonna do, Mr. Dude?
- Do about what?

About Annie.

What do you mugs want me to do?

We thought you'd figure it out.

We had a meeting and someone said:
"Ask the Dude."

That's all l got to do?
Go on, beat it.

If Annie could get an apartment
at the Marberry for a week...

- We'd pitch in for some of it.
- Yeah, we'd all help.

- Annie at the Marberry?
- Yeah.

Go on, get out of here.

- Come one.
- Come on, scram everybody.

The nerve of those guys.
Annie at the Marberry.

Hey Dude,
mind if l have an idea?

Yeah.

This here society friend
of yours, Rodney Kent,

he's got an apartment
at the Marberry.

What about it? What about it?

Can you see me asking Rodney Kent
"Lend me your apartment

for Apple Annie?"

He'd throw me out
on my rear.

I was just gonna say that.
"He'd throw you out on your rear."

- Shut up about it, then.
- I was just gonna do that.

- Where have l seen you before?
- Whom do you wish to see, sir?

- Is this Rodney Kent's apartment?
- Yes, sir, but he's away.

What gave you the idea
l give a hang where he is?

Well, l assume...

Don't assume so much.
It'll get you into trouble.

- Yes, sir.
- Come here a minute.

I'll tell you something that will
upset the rest of your day.

- I don't care about Rodney Kent.
- No, sir.

Toddle in there and tell
Dave the Dude l wanna see him.

- He is in there, isn't he?
- Yes, sir.

Who should l say is calling?

Happy McGuire, apple of his eye,
that's who.

- You got that straight?
- Yes, sir. I have it.

Don't let it upset you.
Four out of five have it.

I promise not to get depressed.

And remember,
if you take one drop of gin...

Now, here's the layout.

Here's your bedroom, see?
That's over in the corner.

The Count is here, the son here,
your daughter's here.

Now, you got that straight?

Here, you better keep this.

Fine mess
you got everybody into.

Everybody worrying about you.

Why didn't you swipe stationary
out of the White House?

Then you could've said
you were the President's wife.

- Mr. Happy McGuire.
- 'The boy with the sore feet."

You know l've been looking
for you for two days?

What's this?

Meet the new society lady.

Hotel Marberry, daughter.

Where'd you ever get
a daughter, anyway?

Who's the father?

Who's the father?

I suppose you'll tell me
he was a big shot or something.

Rodney Kent gave you
this apartment for her?

Yeah, must be
as big a sucker as l am.

He must be off his nut.

"The whole thing sounds insane,
but go ahead, use the apartment.

My only request is
make certain

no one puts mustaches
on the paintings."

Say, listen,
come over here.

I want to talk to you.

Get this, l got the Babcock deal
all set, get me? It's set.

Now that's our bread and butter.
What's this?

You're not doing yourself
any good here.

Yeah, l know.
You think l'm screwy,

but l got an idea.

For years Annie's
been lucky to me, ain't she?

What luck would l have
if l passed her up now?

Miss Missouri Martin.

- Fetch her in.
- Missouri Martin?

Yeah, the old gal herself.
How is it, boys?

Come on, gang.
How's my baby?

Cut it out, cut it out.

Here they are, suckers, the gang
that keeps me broke but beautiful.

All ready for the slaughter.
Now where's the victim?

There she is.

And what material for
a bunch of hungry artists.

Look at 'em, tongues hanging out.

By the time they're finished,
she'll look as good as me.

The idea is to
make her look like a lady.

"Laughing Boy" is in again.

All right, flesh pounders,
this is going to be a sweet job.

- Alright, Annie, let's go.
- We will make you beautiful.

- Come on.
- 'Atta gal.'

The hair the biggest problem.

It's all right, Annie.

You won't get to first base.
You'll have lead her on a string.

Take her in that bedroom.

Wait a minute,
he can't go in there.

It's alright, Dude,
it's alright.

Pierre.

Alright, girls, that's all.

Folks, meet
Mrs. E. Worthington Manville.

I'll never forget you for this.

God bless you.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, you look fine.
You'd fool anybody.

Nice work, Missouri.

Come on, Happy. Let's get going.

Wait a minute, you guys.

Where do you think you're going?

We're returning to the business
of making a living,

- if it's just the same to you.
- You think you're through?

- What about the husband?
- Husband?

Worthington Manville,
Who's gonna dig him up?

I forgot all about the husband.

Missouri, go back in and tell her
to take care of that herself.

That's a brilliant idea.

Who's she gonna get,
one of her panhandler friends.?

He got her the apartment
and a flock of clothes.

What more do you want?

- You can take care of it.
- Oh, l can, can l?

Very sweet of you.
Whose idea was this, anyway?

I'm a kibbutzer in this,
now you want to give it me?

You got another guess coming!

I like Annie
as much as anybody,

but if you guys are
running out, l'm going too.

I'm a sucker if l'm gonna be
left holding the bag.

You want the Dude
to give up his business?

I got a night club
needs looking after.

That comical hole in the wall?
Don't make me laugh.

If l could make you laugh,
l'd go out and get drunk!

You couldn't make a hyena laugh.

Wait a minute, what do you mean,
talking to her like that?

Stop arguing
and let's do something.

If we gotta dig up a husband,
let's get it over with.

Now you gotta dig up
a husband for her.

Where you gonna get
a husband, just like that?

What about you, Happy?
- Me?

That's a swell idea.
I think you'd be just precious.

Wonderful idea.
Just one thing stands in the way.

I got a wife
that's very fussy.

She don't like for me to
go around marrying people.

I know how unreasonable
that must sound to you,

but she's funny that way.

No.

I got just the one! Judge
Henry G. Blake. - Who's he?

For a proposition like this,
we need a guy that talks classy.

Well, judge Blake is
the classiest talker in town.

- Shakespeare.
- Yes, Boss.

Judge Blake, the guy that
told you you could shoot pool

is taking you for a sleigh ride.

Granted, my boy, granted.

In Providence, where l come from,

a cripple like you would be
taken for all he's got.

That's one of the reasons
l never go to Providence.

If you did, you'd come back
without your pants.

How much longer must l toy with
this be-knighted son of Providence?

Take it easy, judge.
This guy's a cinch.

Any minute now he'll want to
jack up the ante.

I'm becoming annoyed at
this silly twaddle.

If the sap knew who
the judge was, he'd go home.

If the stakes were higher,
you might do better.

Success at last.

Do better?
I doubt it, my friend.

Thought you might want to
double the bet.

How about 10 cents a ball?

10 cents? A veritable fortune.

Afraid, huh?

Afraid? Nobody ever said that
to me and got away with it!

Did you know that during the
reign of King Charles 2nd,

we were known as
"The Fearless Blakes"?

I'll show you how afraid l am!

I'll make it 50 cents a ball!

Okay, come on!

- Boy, rack 'em up!
- Yes, sir.

Come on.

Set 'em up.

Let's get goin'.

Judge.

My old friend,
the Bard of Avon.

- Dude wants to see you right away.
- Can't be done, my friend.

I am engaged in
a very profitable enterprise.

I don't know nothing about that.

In fact, my next month's
room rent depends on it.

Come on, judge.
It's your shot.

- Excuse me, my benefactor is calling.
- Wait a minute.

The Dude said not to
take no for an answer.

- You know what that means.
- Yes, l've had occasion.

What's the matter, judge?
Getting cold feet?

There he is, the lucky stiff.
I'll probably lose him for life.

- Excuse me.
- Step on it, judge.

Guys, you're holding up the game.

I thought you were known as
"The Fearless Blakes"?

You were born under
a lucky star, my friend.

A 6 ball shot, friends, one in
each pocket, shooting left-handed.

Amazing.

Quiet, boys!

Great shot!

- Collect from Providence.
- Right.

That was some shot.

And with the left hand.

Thank you, me lad.
Proceed, Shakespeare.

It's only for a week, judge.

All you do is be her
rich, aristocratic husband.

The rich and aristocratic
suits me admirably.

- Ever try being a husband?
- I'm notorious for it.

- How'd you make out.
- Pitifully, pitifully.

They were charming women, too.
All four of them.

I'm sorry you brought that up.

I can't understand why l should
prove such a miserable failure.

You probably talked them to death.

In your own vernacular,
my dear friend.

- What do you say?
- I'm interested.

- Whose husband?
- Never mind that.

Now here's the layout.

You're going to be
the ever-lovin' husband

of Apple Annie.

Preposterous!
Most preposterous!

Of all people, Apple Annie.

Listen, Dude, this is
asking much too much.

A mere apple vendor,
practically a mendicant.

- Good afternoon.
- Here she is now.

- Here who is?
- Apple Annie.

The judge was saying how glad
he was to be your husband.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I am deeply flattered.

The pleasure, l assure you,
my dear and charming lady,

is all mine.

19 and a half.

See, Happy?

An apartment, clothes, judge Blake
and the thing was cinched.

Just between you and me,
l got quite a bang out of it.

Well, maybe now that that's over,

we can revive the Babcock deal.

'Revive it'?
You mean, you let it get away?

I let it get away?

You laid down on the job, huh?
I should've known that.

Say, listen,

Babcock wore out the seats
of two pairs of pants

sitting on his "El Fideldo".

All right, all right.
Call him up.

Tell him l'm ready.
I'll come right over.

I let it get away!

Hello, Dude.

- I'm glad l found you in.
- What do you want?

I want to see you
before the boat got in.

Annie's daughter arrives today.

Yeah, l know.

Alright, men, scram.
I'll see you tomorrow.

I shouldn't hurry so.
It plays havoc with my dignity.

What's on your mind, judge?
Come on, l got business...

Dude, you played
an abominable trick

on that poor old woman.

I what?

My dear Dude,

do you know the number
of reporters

- that meet the incoming boats?
- Well?

They'll want to know
all about the Count,

why he came to America,
who his friends are.

That means me
and Apple Annie.

Sure, a guy named Winchell
would give his right eye

for a story like this.

I told you you couldn't
get away with it!

Why didn't you think of that?

Why didn't l think of it?

Yeah. Why tell me now?
What are we gonna do?

What are you gonna do?
You started it. It's your party.

Well, l'm leaving it to you.

You better see
those reporters stay away.

- What time's that boat come in?
- I hope it sinks.

In about an hour.

I better go with you
to see nothing goes wrong.

- Come on, judge.
- Coming!

Goodbye, Sad Eyes.

Some 'phonus balonus' round here.

Yeah, Dave the Dude
isn't here for his health.

His whole mob ain't.

Tell your mugs to hold the circle
and don't let anyone near us.

Don't worry, the only way
they get in is with a tank.

- Let's see what happens.
- Not a bad idea.

- How do l look?
- Great. Okay.

- How does Annie look?
- You wouldn't know her, Schultzie.

I remember when Annie
looked like that all the time.

Notterhead took me over
and she smelled good.

I can hardly believe it.

In a little while l'll be
holding my baby in my arms.

Yes, there she is.

There she is!
Louise! Louise!

You're just as
l pictured you, Mother.

- My baby.
- Just as l pictured you.

Enough tears around here
to float a battleship.

This is your stepfather, dear.

Mother's written me
so much about you.

May l present
Count Alfonso Romero

and his son, Carlos.

How do you do?

It is indeed a pleasure,
my dear Count.

We've been looking forward
to this visit for some time.

Thank you.

How stupid of me.

This is...
your Uncle David.

My uncle?

I didn't know l had an uncle.

You must be Father's brother.

I'm so pleased.

Why, Mother, you didn't write
a word about him.

That's because Brother David
is the black sheep of the family.

I want you to meet Count Romero

and his son Carlos.

- This is my uncle, David Manville.
- How do you do?

- Where do you think you're going?
- Are you talking to me?

I ain't talking to your Aunt Tilly.

I'm a news reporter.
I want to chat with the Count.

You're wrong. He ain't no Count.
- No?

Yeah, somebody threw you
a bum steer.

Shows you what
a rumor will do.

What you want to do
is go over to Pier 48.

There's a boat coming in
from the Argentines.

Maybe there's a king and queen
on it, you can't tell.

Take this man to Pier 48.
It's in the Bronx.

- But 48 is down by the Battery.
- In the Bronx!

Wonder what their racket is?

Looks like a couple of
foreigners being taken over.

Let's talk to the Dude.

Happy, a couple of cops
are going to see the Dude.

Holy smoke! We gotta stop 'em.

Go start a fight.
Sock the Weasel.

- The Weasel? He's my brother!
- I said sock him.

Hey, Weasel.
I hate to do this.

Fight! Fight!

- Your car is waiting, sir.
- Thank you, my good man.

Am-scray!
A couple of oos-bay!

We'd better be going.
The cars are waiting.

You'll enjoy the ride, Count.

- Know where the family went?
- They went for a ride, sir.

- Where did they go yesterday?
- Went riding, l think, sir.

- The day before?
- The same thing, sir.

That's fine. Here...

that's for your expenses.

- And that's for you.
- Thank you, sir.

- Remember your general orders?
- Yes, sir.

"If l'm asked any questions,
l know nothing.

As a matter of fact,
l'm completely dumb."

Fine.
You think you can do it?

That should be a cinch.

I beg your pardon, sir?

I said, that should be
a lead pipe cinch.

If l had a choice of weapons
with you, sir, l'd choose grammar.

- Remember, don't flop on this.
- No, sir.

If you do, your family
better send for the body.

- I have no family, sir.
- You won't have no body neither.

Nobody...

Come on. I don't wanna be here
when the family gets back.

Uncle David!

Hello.

There you are.
I'm so glad to see you.

Hello, Mr. Manville.

Where have you been?
We missed you terribly.

Well, that's something.

Don't be so strange.
Everybody's crazy about you.

Carlos and l are going to
name our children after you.

If we're talking about children,
be a good idea to get married.

- When does it take place?
- I don't know.

Everyone's making a fuss about it.

Mother wants the wedding here,
for just the family.

The Count wants it in Spain
with the whole world attending.

Sorry, Ma...

We don't care where it happens,
as long as it happens.

That's the way to talk.

- Hello, Brother David.
- Edward.

- Hello, Mr. McGuire.
- Judge.

You've all met David's secretary.

Yeah, my... secretary, everybody.

I'm so glad you came, Mr. McGuire.

You might want to
invite him to our reception.

Sure, good idea.
Come on, Happy.

Reception?

What do you mean 'reception'?

We're having a reception
for the folks day after tomorrow,

the night their boat
returns to Spain.

Isn't that just dandy.

You're surprised,
aren't you, Brother David?

Yeah.

Thought you would be, knowing me.

I've never known a man to detest
receptions so violently

as the judge.

Who's coming, Brother Edward?

Just a few of our friends.

A small affair,
100, 150 perhaps.

Hardly a handful.

The Count is tired of
seeing buildings, aren't you?

He wants to meet our friends.

The Count will love our friends.

Of course, l'll look to you,
Brother David, to help me.

Of course, of course.

I'd like to have a talk with you
before you do anything about it.

There's one or two things
l want to straighten you out on.

By all means, Brother David.

- Yes, john?
- A newspaperman to see you, sir.

What does he want, john?

Perhaps he's heard about the Count
and wants to write about him.

Perhaps you better see him
on your way out, Brother David.

You're so clever at
handling newspapermen.

I'll handle him.

What can we do for you?

Society reporter, The Star.

I want to get a story on
Mrs. E. Worthington Manville.

I can't find mention of her
in the social register.

Imagine that? He couldn't
find her in the social register.

- I can't understand it.
- What did you want to know?

Just a general biography.

Say, wait a minute.
Aren't you Dave the Dude?

Dave the Dude?

What's he talking about, Albert?

The house is full of guests.
Let's go somewhere undisturbed.

Alright, but l could swear
that you're Dave the Dude.

There's a room here
that's not often used.

Sure we won't
be disturbed, Arthur?

No, not a chance, uncle.

This is for family heirlooms.
Some of them go way back.

Again?

You'll always love me,
won't you, Carlos?

You know l will.

Has your father said anything yet?

No.

What will we do if
he doesn't give his consent?

If he doesn't like Mother and Dad?

- What will we do, Carlos?
- Don't be worried, darling.

He's really fond of them.

He likes to be formal about things.

I'd just die if anything happens.

I'll just die, Carlos.

Mother?

I was in my room,

and l was so lonesome.

You don't mind if l
pay you a little visit?

- Of course not.
- It's my fault.

I've taken up Louise's time.
I've been terribly selfish.

No, you haven't.
You've been sweet.

I'll go in and talk to Dad,
if you'll excuse me.

Good night, Mother.

You don't mind my
calling you Mother, do you?

- I just love it.
- Thank you.

- Night, Louise.
- Good night, Carlos.

He's a lovely boy.

Mother, l'm so happy.

My baby.

Mother?

Yes, my sweet.

You don't think anything can happen?

Happen?

I guess l've just been foolish,

because l've been wishing so hard.

Mother, did you ever wish
for anything so hard that...?

Nothing's going to happen.

Nothing's going to happen.

Reception, huh?

You stayed up too late.

You're in a swell apartment
and you began to believe it.

For my dough, you're still
a penny-ante pool shark!

- Now after all, my dear Dude...
- Oh, shut up.

- Don't get cross, Brother David.
- Don't 'Brother David' me!

Listen you...

Hello? Yeah.
What do you want?

I'm sorry to trouble you, Mr. Dude,

but the Count asked me to get
the Spanish Consulate on the phone.

Why is he calling him?

What do you know about that?
He's calling the Spanish Consulate.

Maybe he's checking up on us.

- How's your Spanish, Happy?
- Good as my French, they smell.

And what about you?

I'll tell you,
when l was in Havana.

Never mind that!
Hello?

- The Spanish Consulate, sir.
- Thank you very much.

Close the door, please.

Consular not home.
Just me, Japanese boy.

No, sir.
Consular not home.

He gone away long time.
Maybe come back next week.

No, me Japanese boy.
Consular not home. Thank you.

Very good.
Very, very good.

Japanese boy.

Very difficult to understand.

I think he said
"Consular out of town".

I'm glad. I think it was
very unsportsmanlike.

Carlos!
- I'm sorry, father!

But that's the way I feel about it.

It would be terrible if these people...
- It can't be helped, son!

After all, we know nothing
about these people.

I may be wrong, but their
behavior seems...

strange.

I can't quite put my finger on it...
- What difference does it make?

I love Louise. - Now, Carlos,
you must let me handle this.

If they are all right, there is
nothing to worry about.

You can be married as soon
as we return home.

In the meantime we can wait until the
reception is over before we decide.

I want to meet some of their friends.

Well what? - What about that reception?

The reception, dear Dude,
if I may be allowed one small word,

is inevitable.

I don't know what stops me
from putting the slug on you

Personally, I shouldn�t mind that at all.

I'm rather bored with the whole
rotten business of living anyway.

A wise old sage said that every
man over 40 should be exterminated.

Who said that? - I don't know,
but someone should have said it.

What good is a man over 40 anyway?
Take yourself, for instance.

I'm only 34. - Only 34? I could have
sworn that you were at least 50.

What?! - Look at yourself!
Positively jowly!

No, no, you're kidding... - Incidentally,
I have a very good exercise for that.

Something like this.
A head movement.

You do it 24 times every morning.

Like this? - No, no, more!
More of the up and down movement.

Like this? - Yeah, that's much better.

Pardon me for harming in
to your kinesthetic,

but you were going to put a slug
in him a couple of minutes ago.

Yeah! That's right! How about it?

What do you want me to do?
Say my prayers?

I mean about the reception.
- It's all going to be so simple.

Rodney Kent's apartment,
a few clothes, it's a party.

What a shock you're gonna get
when you wake up in the Bastille!

What for? - A simple little
matter of abduction.

It's against the law,
so I've been told.

You mean that society reporter?

No. I mean those three
society reporters.

Three of them?

Sure! A couple more of them got horning
around, we had to put them in the bag.

Don't you ever read the newspapers?
Take a peek at the headlines.

See if your Japanese dialect
will get you out of this one.

Forget it. They are still in
Rodney Kent's storeroom? - Yeah.

Bugs Malone still with them? - Yeah.

Forget it. I'll square that later.
I'm most interested in that reception.

Look judge, you go to Annie
and tell her it's all off.

What? - Sure.

I guess I'm a sentimental old fool,

but please don't ask me to deliberately
break that poor old woman's heart.

Stop it, you're breaking mine.

Where are you going to get the people?

If you give a reception you gotta
have a lot of high class people.

That, my dear Dude, is very simple.
- Yeah!

It may surprise you to know
that in my own senile way

I found the solution.

Look. In reality I'm judge
Henry G. Blake, exponent of pool.

Penny Annie pool, if you wish.
- Yeah, go on.

But to count Romero, I'm the
honorable E. Worthington Manville.

A celebrated statesman. - Yeah.

Now is there any reason why Luis the Lug
could not be the ambassador to Turkey?

What? - And the Weasel,

wouldn't he make an excellent
secretary of war?

The Weasel?

And if Missouri Martin were introduced
to me as a New York society leader,

I shouldn't be inclined to doubt it.
- Well, I would.

And those girls in her night club,

there you have two dozen
of the finest debutantes in town.

O, you're nuts. The minute they open
their kissers the roof will fall on them.

That's the trick. They won't
open their kissers.

Except for a few introductory
speeches which I will give them.

Judge, I think you got it!
Sure! Why not?

I'll tell that gang of mugs the first one
that opens his yap will get slugged.

Where's my address book?

Well I give up. When Luis the Lug becomes
the ambassador to Turkey, I won't stay.

Not me! I'm going to the insane asylum
and talk to sensible people.

Judge, give me a hand.
You get on this phone.

See if there's anybody at Boyle's.
You ought to know that number.

A swell idea, dad. Swell.

We'll marry Apple Annie's daughter off
or bust the gut.

Hello, my good man...

would you kindly connect me with
Harry the Horse?

Hello, Butch...

- Yeah?
- Cap. Moore, lnspector.

- Send him right in!
- Yes, sir.

Well?

Nothing doing, lnspector.

That's what you told me yesterday
and the day before that.

We gotta find
those three reporters and quick!

Look what the newspapers
are doing to us!

I've done everything,
covered every angle.

Nothing but excuses,
that's all l've been getting.

You better get going...

- Yeah?
- The Commissioner on the phone.

- Who?
- The Commissioner.

There he is again.
Fourth time today.

Hello, Commissioner.

No. I've got Cap. Moore in
my office now. Not a thing yet.

Not a thing? That's all l've been
getting for the last few days.

What have you got there,
a bunch of schoolboys?

Listen, McCreary, l'm not gonna be
made the goat of the department.

Find those reporters or l'll...

Hello?

- Mayor's on the phone, sir.
- The Mayor?

- Yes, sir.
- Didn't you tell him l was out?

- No, l didn 't. - Alright, put him on.
- Yes, sir.

Hold on a minute.
Mayor's on the phone again.

Hello?
Yes, hello, Chief.

No, l was just talking to
lnspector McCreary.

Not a thing yet.

What are you going to do about it?

Sit and wait for those reporters
to walk into your office?

Yes, yes. I've heard that before.

I'm only interested in one thing.
I want some action and quick!

Every editor in town
is in my office this minute.

You'll get front page editorial
every day till something's done.

Our reporters can't get news
without a bodyguard.

I want this clear, Commissioner:
I refuse to stand the brunt

for the incompetence of
the Police Department!

If City administration can't do
anything, perhaps the State can.

When the Governor gets in town
this afternoon, we'll see him.

Find those reporters or l'll be
forced to ask for your resignation.

Now that's final.

Hello, McCreary.
Now get this straight,

dig up those reporters
or l'll get me another boy.

And that's that!

Captain,

l'm giving you 24 hours
to find those reporters.

If you can't, you'd better start
looking for another job.

And that's the works!

Yes, sir.

What is it, Murphy?

A young fella with
an angle on the reporter business.

- Come on, speak up.
- A funny thing happened.

I was down at the boats
and went to talk to a count,

when a couple of yeggs
grabbed me and put me in a car.

- What happened?
- They took me to the Bronx?

- How'd you get away?
- They stopped and l jumped out.

- Who were the men?
- I don't know.

Maybe l can tell you
something about that, lnspector.

When did this happen?

- Last Tuesday.
- That checks all right.

Ken and l were down
working the pier last week.

Dave the Dude
was meeting some people.

Had his whole mob with him.
We thought it was funny.

Dave the Dude, eh?

This is beginning to
look like a police department.

Sit down, l want to talk to you.

Get this straight. I ain't having
this rehearsal 'cause l like it!

The reception is tomorrow night.

You don't rehearse now,
you'll bollocks up the thing.

You've got your titles, speeches,
everything laid out.

First learn your speeches.
The judge went to a lot of trouble

to rig up some swell ones
and l don't want ya to blow 'em.

Alright, come on. Let's get going.

No, no. You're too stiff,
you're too stiff.

Relax, can't you? Relax.

Butch, your legs are buckling.
Bend from the waist.

Harry the Horse...

you don't want to
look like you're gonna kick her!

No, and smile.
Go on, keep smiling.

Sure, you're supposed to be
having a good time.

Louie the Lug.
What do you think you're doing?

You're the Ambassador to Turkey,
not a wrestler.

Holy mackerel,
this is awful.

Cheesecake. What's the matter?
Is it too much for you?

- No, l can do it. Only...
- Only what?

I'm as good as
Louie the Lug is any day.

If he's Ambassador,
l oughta be King.

Listen, Secretary of the lnterior
is bigger than Ambassador.

- Yeah?
- Sure.

You can't fool me.
A secretary is a secretary.

Then you're President of the Board.
How do you like that?

President?
Now that's something like it!

Judge, we got a new
President of the Board.

Check!

Come here. You too, Micks.

You two do your stuff.

Quiet! The rest of
you guys, quiet!

Micks here's the Count, see?

Now l want to hear your speech.

- Did l knocked onto this guy?
- Well, you're introduced to him.

I get ya, l get ya.

Count...

l am...

lt's a rare...

its a rare privy...

privy...

What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?

It's a rare 'privilege', you dope.

I can't make the grade with
words like this. Look...

- if the judge...
- Get away. You're driving me nuts!

Well, what's the matter?
Are you all quitting?

Come on. Let's get going.
Rehearse. Rehearse!

Charmed to meet you Count.

You stink.

Call it.

- Heads.
- Tails!

That makes me the King of Siam.

Couple more wins and you'll be
in charge of the whole world.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Quiet, guest.

Quiet.
Quiet everybody!

Look like we'll have to
take it one thing at a time.

Forget the speeches right now.
Just take up the bowing.

Judge, come and
show 'em how to bow.

Now watch this close.

See, his knees don't buckle.

Look where the hand is.
Isn't that graceful?

Look at that smile.

See, there ain't
anything tough about that.

Come on, everybody do it.
Now, no speeches.

Just bow.
Everybody just bow now.

I don't believe it.

Where do you think you're going?
Come here.

About time you showed up.

I beg your...

You got me doing it now.

Don't worry, you could stand
plenty of practice.

Cut the clowning.

These guys have got me crazy.

You're not doin' them any good.

I'm going through with it, see?
Hey, stop it. Stop it.

Wait a minute everybody now.

Trouble with a lot of you guys
is you don't take this serious.

Well, let me tell you something.
It's serious...

and the guy that don't think it is
can take it on the lam now.

Listen fellas, l don't want to
get tough with ya,

but we gotta go through with it.

It ain't for me.

Nobody's gonna get
anything outta it.

Happy here thinks l'm nuts.

Well, maybe l am,
l don't know.

But l started it and
l gotta go through with it.

It's for Apple Annie, see?

She's in a tough spot and it's
up to us to give her a break.

If anything goes wrong
tomorrow night,

there's no telling what she'll do.

So let's practice
and practice hard.

Now we'll take up
the Apple Annie speech.

All you girls
are Apple Annie, see?

Fellas, pick yourself a dame.

You're being introduced to her.
Alright, let's go.

Alright, everybody.
Let's get organized.

The Apple Annie speech.
Put a little ginger into it.

- Quiet, everybody.
- Quiet, everybody.

- Quiet!
- Quiet!

The lndians are upon us.

- Hello, Dude.
- Hi.

- What's going on around here?
- Nothing you'd be interested in.

Funny your whole mob
up here at one time.

Anything wrong with a guy
having his friends up?

No, nothing wrong in that.

These mugs are classy, ain't they?

Okay, everybody. Go on home.
Rehearsal is over.

Putting on a show, Dude?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, a benefit performance.

Good night, Dude.

So long.

Dude and Fish is what gets me.

The whole mob was up there.

You didn't ask about
the three reporters, did ya?

That's good.

- Yes, sir?
- Send in O'Brien and Gibbons.

Listen, you two fellas
watch the Dude.

Don't let him know he's tailed.

Anything looks phony,
let me know right away.

I want a tail on
every one of the Dude's mob.

There names are on file.

Use every man in
the Department if you have to.

I want those yeggs shadowed
24 hours a day, starting right now.

So get going!

- Mommy.
- Sorry, darling.

There, go to sleep. Good night.

Good night, Mommy.

The music must be
soft and mellow.

Nothing harsh, nothing raucous.

Our guests have
very delicate nerves.

Play at intervals of 10 minutes.
Do we understand each other?

Let it happen.

- Are these the two men?
- Yes, sir.

Do they know their requirements? - I've
explained everything, sir. - Excellent, John.

Then put some on me.

Put some there.

You're quite sure
it looks all right?

- Don't want it to go wrong.
- Yes, madam.

Come in.

Do my eyes deceive me,

or am l in the presence
of an angel?

Stop it, judge.

Never in all my
questionable career

have l gazed upon
such divine loveliness.

Stop it, judge.
Honestly, how do l look?

Exquisite!

- What time are they coming?
- Eight o'clock, my love.

- You think they can do it?
- Do it? They'll do it, or else!

Dude's been rehearsing them
till they're ready to drop.

- I'm so nervous.
- There, there, my little dewdrop.

Don't you worry.

If anything happens,
l'll be there to cover up.

- Leave it to the old judge.
- Oh, you're so good.

Dude and his whole mob
are up in Missouri Martin's

and there's a sign on
the joint: 'CLOSED'.

I didn't find out what it's about
but it sure looks phony.

There's a line of cars outside
a block long.

Don't let 'em get away from you.

What's more, don't let Dude
find out he's being watched.

He's a pretty shrew article.
Okay, keep in touch with me.

- Hello?
- Moore there?

- Yes, sir.
- Put him on.

Moore talking.

Moore, better get
the riot squad ready, 25 men.

Machine guns,
tear bombs, everything.

- We may have a job on our hands.
- Alright, sir.

Sometimes, Count, l'm a little
ashamed of my fellow Americans,

they way they fawn at
and worship celebrities.

- It's rather charming.
- They're like children.

You'll notice it tonight.
In your presence...

they'll probably stammer
and become tongue-tied.

I beg of you
to make allowances for them.

Of course.

Different countries,
different characteristics.

Which reminds me...

there is custom in my country
which obviously is not American.

I was waiting for you to mention it.

- What is that, Count?
- The dowry, my dear judge.

Nothing has been said
about the dowry.

- The dowry?
- The dowry.

The dowry.

I'm aware that in America it is
not considered very important,

but in my country...

An old Spanish custom, huh?

A very old, old custom.

I don't know what to say, Count.
You crept up on me with that one.

What was that you say?

I say I wasn't quite
prepared for this.

It's a delicate subject, you know?

Perhaps you do not realize
who your son is marrying?

A Manville, sir!

A descendant of the General
of the Revolutionary War,

George Washington Manville.
You have heard of him?

I'm sorry, but I have not.

Well, that's strange.

And on her mother's side
she comes from the purest stock.

Do you know that, if not for them,

there would be
no apple industry in America?

No doubt, no doubt.

But my son too comes from
an old and distinguished family,

yet l am making settlement
equal to 50,000 dollars.

You are?

Perhaps you'd make a similar one?

I don't know about that.

If you don't wish to discuss it...

Well, look at this.
Billiards.

Why did you not tell me
you had a billiards room?

Do you play?

Do l play?
In Valencia, l am champion!

Isn't that just... you don't say?

Perhaps, before the guests arrive,
we might...

Nothing would give me
greater pleasure.

Now...

- About the dowry, Count...
- Yes?

...it occurs to me, if the children
will live in Spain with you...

l shall give the whole amount.

No, no.
I would not let you do that.

After all,
it is only 100,000 dollars.

Yes, that's true, but why should you
bear the entire burden?

No, nothing at all l assure you.
I can well afford it.

For that matter, so can l.

You're so gracious, l am ashamed.

Nothing would give me greater
pleasure than to take care of it.

- No, that would be unfair.
- But Se�or, l want to do it.

No, no, no.
I'm on the daughter's side.

- I have that right.
- Well, Se�or, l insist.

This is silly. We might
go on like this for hours.

In America, we have
ways of settling this.

We toss coins, or pull straws...

What amuses you, Count?

I was just thinking,
l could take advantage of you.

- Yes? How?
- By suggesting billiards.

- I don't see why not.
- No, no.

It would be most unfair.

Perhaps it won't be.
You never can tell.

- Do you play well?
- Do l play well?

I practically make my living at it.

I warned you.

Everybody on their toes.
And no drinkin', understand?

It won't last more than 4 hours.
They catch a boat at midnight.

Everybody remember who
they're supposed to be?

Yeah.

What ya got in mind for me, Dave?

A society leader
in New York, Missouri.

Tryin' to insult me?
I'm one of the family, see?

If there's an uncle,
there's an aunt.

Folks, meet the wife of
Uncle Dave the Dude Manville.

Look out, Dude,
she's sneakin' up on ya again.

Okay, anything you want.
Well, that's set.

And remember, you palookas,
you're gentlemen, see?

Come on, Happy.

Dave, l wanna tell ya
what a swell thing you're doing.

And l love you for it!

Wife, huh?
Go on, get away from me.

Hello, Smiley.

Look out, Dude. Cops.
Been trailing ya all day.

What's the matter?

- What's the matter, Dave?
- Cops! Millions of them.

Cops? I thought you said
this was on the up and up?

- If there's anything screwy.
- Shut up!

Come on, Nick, take it easy.

We can't go to the Marberry now.
They'll follow us.

- What are we gonna do?
- Do? It's cold. We call it off.

Call off nothing. Let me figure it.

What luck!

Amazing, isn't it?
I've been most fortunate.

You realize, if you
make this point, you win?

Really?
I'll have to make it then.

I'm afraid that shot is
practically impossible, Count.

- It can be made.
- Yes, you think so?

You shave the white one very fine,
go round the table,

meet the red one down here.

That's too much for me, Count.

Take an expert to do that.

Pardon me, sir. Your brother
is on the phone for you.

- Brother David?
- Yes, sir. He says it's important.

I shall be there directly.

You made it!

Oh, most fortunate.

Hello? Yes, this is he.

Congratulate me, David.
I just saved you 50,000 dollars.

Never mind that stuff.
Listen, we're in a jam.

We're stymied at Missouri Martin's.
The place is surrounded by cops.

Cops?

I don't like that at all,
my dear Dude.

You suggest l fold my tent
and scram into the night?

Don't budge outta the place.

Stay there and stall
till l figure something out.

Just as you say, Dude.

But l hardly relish being left
holding the well-known bag.

What is it, judge?
What happened?

Nothing at all, my dear.

I heard you say
something about the cops.

- They're not coming here, are they?
- No, of course not.

Don't fool me, judge.
Tell me the truth.

Don't get worked up.
You've got to keep your head.

Yes, but l'm the one...
l ought to know.

Don't fool me.

I'd rather go in there
and tell them the truth myself!

Stinkin' cops are still out there.

Thank you.

When are the guests
supposed to get here?

I don't know, sir.

- Could you tell me...?
- No, sir.

What are we going to do?

What if the police come here?

What'll l say to the Count?
What'll l say to Louise?

Quiet now, Annie.
The police aren't coming here.

Poor Louise.

Poor sweet and lovely girl.

- Don't you think, judge?
- Of course.

Suppose...

Suppose the Count should
call the wedding off?

It'd kill Louise.
And she'd hate me.

Now don't be silly, Annie.

What am l gonna tell her?
She'll want to know...

about her father.

What will l say to her?

What will l tell her?

I never was married, judge.

Now, dear. You don't
have to tell her anything.

All these years
l've kept it from her

and she must never find out.
Oh no, please...

- Annie, be quiet.
- No, please.

- Don't let her find out.
- Annie, control yourself.

Listen, you think l'd come here
if it wasn't on the level?

You gotta take my word.
You got to lay off me tonight!

What else do you want,
the key to the city?

What's all your gang doing
up at Missouri Martin's?

- They're having a clambake.
- Nothing you'd be interested in.

But l can't tell you about it.

If l could, you'd see how silly
it is to make all this fuss.

Just lay off me tonight.
I'll do anything.

I'll help you
find those reporters.

- That's what you want, isn't it?
- Sure. Where you got them, Dude?

I ain't got them,
but l send the word round,

those reporters will be back
at their desks tomorrow.

Just call off your men
till 12 o'clock tonight.

Sorry, Dude. Can't do business.

You'll have a police escort
until those reporters show up.

If that's the way you feel,
l'll tell ya something.

You're right!
I have got those reporters.

But they're not
going to show up, see?

They won't show up until
l'm good and ready to produce 'em.

- Now will you do business?
- Sure, we'll do business.

Mac.

So you've got the reporters, huh?

I thought so.
Arrest these two guys.

This won't do you any good.

You can always do business
with the Police Department.

- Yes, sir?
- Get me the Mayor on the phone.

I don't think you can get him.
He's got a party for the Governor.

I'll get him when he finds out
it's about the reporters.

I wouldn't be surprised if
the Mayor made a deal with you.

Probably settle for 50 years.

Don't be a sap, Commissioner.
Why drag the Mayor into this?

You want those reporters, don't ya?

The newspapers are making
a sucker out of you.

Now you can come out on top.

What? Well, tell him
it's about those reporters. Yes.

There ain't anything crooked
about this whole thing.

You'd laugh your head off
if you heard the story.

Sure, l'm laughing right now.

- Hello, Chief.
- Wait a minute.

Before you talk to him,
l'll tell you the whole story.

You'll think l'm nuts,
but here's the real lowdown.

Say, you believe
in fairy tales, don't you?

What?

No, it's no use.

I'll hang before l let you
give me the horselaugh.

Talk to the Mayor,
talk to anybody you want,

but l'll tell you one thing,
you'll never see those reporters.

Hello, Chief.
I've got Dave the Dude right here.

Yes, he admits having
the three reporters.

He does, huh?
Call the Governor.

Governor.

Dave the Dude admits
having the reporters.

Good!
Have they arrested him yet?

Sure they've arrested him,
Governor.

But what will happen now?

In the morning a bail bond
will get him out again.

- That's ridiculous.
- It how it works in this town.

He's got a colossal nerve.

He can't make any deals
with the Police Department.

There's an example for you.
He wants to make a deal with us.

Says if we don't leave him alone
tonight, we'll never see them.

- That's outrageous!
- Don't get excited, Governor.

It's the customary procedure.

Bring Dave the Dude up here.

Yes, that's exactly what l said.
Bring him up here.

Don't worry about my guests.
This is more important.

You gentlemen have freely
criticized this administration.

Let's see what you can do.

I'll let you spread him
all over the front pages!

I'd send a criminal like that
away for life!

Here's your chance, Governor.

It was all going to be so simple.

Ask them if
they believe in fairy tales.

Look at their skulls.

It's a rare privilege.

- It's a rare...
- Stop! Stop, Cheesecake.

I don't mind tellin' ya
you smell to high heaven.

Why don't ya learn this
like l told ya?

- You get worse every time.
- Shakespeare, l'm wore out.

How can a guy unlax
if he's all wore out?

Listen, Simon Legree,
we been doin' this for hours.

The Dude said to
keep practicing, didn't he?

So, we're going to practice.

Now everybody. Up on your feet.

Throw yourself into it!

Do it like l told ya.

Close the door, Stuttgart.
Come on, Lefty, get into it.

Now, the Apple Annie speech.

Keep on practicing. Don't stop.

Hello, Dude.

But Dude, we're all set.
Everyone's been practicing.

Everybody looks swell.

Okay, Dude.

- I'll tell 'em.
- What's the matter?

- Dude says it's all off.
- It can't be!

Dude said it was all off.
Everyone send back the suits.

What a break for Annie.

You try to do something decent
and they won't let ya.

Poor Annie.

Mother...

Mother...

ls there anything wrong?

I heard the Count saying
there won't be any reception.

Isn't anybody coming?

My baby.

- Louise, darling?
- Yes, Mother.

If anything should happen,
you'd never hate your mother?

Don't say things like that.

Please don't say things like that.

Is the Count in the drawing room?

Yes.

Annie, where are you going?
Where are you going?

Count Romero,

l want a few moments
to talk with you.

There's nothing more in the world
l want more than

for Louise to marry your son.
He's a dear boy.

Louise loves him,
loves him dearly.

And l'm quite sure
he loves her, too.

Ever since she was born,

l've had but one thought
in my mind,

her happiness.

When she wrote and told me

she found someone she loved,

l think l was
the happiest mother in the world.

Count Romero,

you came over here

to find out something
about her...

about her family,
about me.

I don't blame you.

You had a perfect right.

You knew nothing about us.

It would be terrible if,
after they were married,

you came to find out that...

her mother was someone
you would be ashamed of.

Someone even she
would be ashamed of.

That's silly, Mother. That's silly.

That's why l wanted to have
this talk with you, Count Romero.

I wanted to tell you
all about us.

I want to tell you...

His Honor, the Mayor!

Go ahead, Mayor. Do your stuff.
It's your idea.

My dear Mrs. Manville,
so good to see you again!

The last time was at
your very lovely party

at Briarwood.
I'll never forget it. Brilliant.

And this, l assume,
is your very charming daughter.

Count Romero and his son, Carlos.

How do you do?
Welcome to our city.

I recognize you at once, Mayor.
I've seen you in the newsreels.

- Thank you.
- Delighted, madam.

- It's a miracle.
- Two miracles.

The Governor.

His Excellency, The Governor!

What did you say
old Apple Annie's name was?

Mrs. E. Worthington Manville.

- Goodness sake, don't forget it!
- No, no.

Mrs. Manville,

l can't tell you
what a pleasure,

what a privilege it is for us,

to be here tonight
at your wonderful reception.

Your charming daughter, l presume?

The Governor's taking us
down to the boat. Not bad, huh?

As a kid, they had a tough time
making me believe in Santa Claus.

Look, Father. A police escort!

That's more than they do
for us in Valencia.

You are very influential,
my friend.

This? Nothing at all.
Nothing, l assure you.

An admirable woman.
A delightful experience.

Made me feel 10 years younger.

I suppose, Governor,
now that you're in town,

you'll follow up that
investigation down at city hall.

No, l think we've been
a little bit harsh with them.

I guess l've been a bit impatient
with the administration, Mayor.

- Sorry about my attitude tonight.
- That's all right.

I must remember to call up
the Commissioner tomorrow.

I've been making his life miserable.

You boys gotta excuse me
if l get a bit tough on you

one in a while.
I know you're doing your best.

Okay, Commissioner, okay.

That's the way you'll write
the story. Got that clear?

What about us being kidnapped?

Who said you were kidnapped?
You were out on a drunk, understand?

Drunk?

- You're passing up on this story?
- You were out on a drunk!