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Well, hello, everybody, and welcome
to the afternoon "One Dollar Movie".

I'm your host, Bob Downs.
But, of course, you know that. Ha!

And today we have
a cinema classic for you.

"The Return of the Killer Tomatoes"

Sounds like a real winner, doesn't it?

Now, some lucky viewer today,
if they know the secret word,

will have a chance to win
our "Pot o' Gold" jackpot

which, today, is up to...

...9 dollars and 22 cents.

Wow! And all you have to do to win
is know our secret word when I call.

It's a common household word.
One used all the time.

And our secret word today is...

..."the". OK now, on with "the" show.

OK, let's all get comfy now.

Are you comfy? Good. Roll them, Sid.

# It's a big chill life
when you're out of school

# You don't have to dress up
and it's OK for you to drool

# Gonna jump in my woody,
gonna play my guitar

# And take my socks off

# Like poetry in motion
Like a perfect wave

# Gonna ride with the wind
Spend the money I save

# 'Cause summer's here
and I got nothing to do

# But get my rocks off

# When those big-breasted girls
go to the beach #

'Hey, Sid, is this the right flick?

'We're supposed to be
showing something called

"'Return of the Killer Tomatoes".'

'Yeah, but I like this one better.'

'Yeah, me too.

'But we showed it three times last week.'

'OK.'

Glove!

Earplugs!

Quarter.

Quarter!

Quarter.

Success! This time we shall not fail!

# Return of the killer tomatoes

# Return of the killer tomatoes

# The theme song still remains the same
The plot itself has hardly changed

# A guaranteed bet for fortune and fame!

# Tomatoes! Tomatoes!

# Remember Herman Farbage

# Who was taking out the garbage

# It seems he wasn't killed at all

# He fought tomatoes to a stall

# His TV show premieres this fall

# Tomatoes! Tomatoes! Tomatoes!

# We have no mighty shoguns

# No flying spaceships or explosions

# No James Bond cars or Top Gun jets
Or real expensive fancy sets

# But a deal we've cut for vid-cassettes

# Oh, we made an offer he couldn't refuse.

# Sit back as now the show starts

# Part two of only two parts

# But if this film does well, you see
We're sure you know predictably

# It won't be long until part three #

Hi, Tara, I brought your pizza.

One pepperoni, extra cheese
and boysenberry sauce.

Well... enjoy.

Say, what do you and the professor
do up here, if you don't mind me asking.

The professor continues his research
in gene-splicing,

just as he did at the university.

So, do you ever come to town?
I never see you. Or him.

But especially, I never see you.

You know. Well, um, so, I guess then,
you are doing research too.

Are you his daughter? Or what?

I'm his lover. I also cook and clean.

They are gardeners and carpenters.
They are not tomato-men.

OK, well, um...

...just remember, Finletters,
for all your pizza needs.

'US customs officials report that tomato
smuggling is at its highest level

'since the Great Tomato War.

'We were there,
at the border, this afternoon,

'when customs officials busted this car.

'Officials say that most of those arrested

'with the illegal vegetables
are young people.

'They speculate that, growing up in
the years since the Great Tomato War,

'this new generation has no fear
of the potential danger involved.

'It is a danger I remember well...'

Turn the damn channel, will you?

There's got to be
something better than this.

- Want me to change the channel?
- Yeah.

'This is "Full Contact
America's Cup" Yacht racing.

'Welcome to the smorgasbord
of sports, and day 296

'of the most exciting event in the world.
It's the United States versus England.

'A rematch of a great rivalry going back
some 200 years.

'Today, both boats are being
severely tested, as both...'

- '...the youth of America.'
- Come on!

'And as it is with other
illegal substances, the youth...'

'...it's going to be close...'

'...they never seem to learn.
Remember, just say...'

'There's a frontside.
Direct hit, you've got to love it.

'To one of society's...'

Come on, look, who cares about tomatoes?

Listen, son. You weren't there.

We let them sneak in now and,
who knows what it'll lead to.

- Not again.
- Back so soon? Strike out already?

I can barely get anything out of her
besides her name.

Would you believe
that she's old Gangreen's girlfriend?

That old looney tune's got a girlfriend?

What? Chad, you got a girlfriend?

No, not me, Uncle Wilbur.
Gangreen, that nut on the hill.

Oh, Gangreen. Bad apple.
Never did trust that fella.

You know, a lot of people thought
he must have had more to do

with the Great Tomato uprising
that never came out.

Nothing ever proven though.

But that was a long time ago, boys.
Things were different then.

Tomatoes were legal.
You could find them everywhere.

Hey, Chad, there he goes again.

Sometimes I sure miss
pizza with tomato sauce.

All right, one medium coconut
with anchovies and strawberry jam.

Right here. On you.

I remember that first day
they moved into the fields.

Nobody really took it seriously then,
but before long they were in the suburbs,

then into the inner-cities.

Television stations began to cover,
the media made a big deal.

At first people ignored it,
then they got scared.

You should have seen it.

But some of us were there.
We held the line.

'I remember the day we lost Arkansas.

'Before you knew it,
the war was raging from coast to coast.

'Seattle fell. Then Boston.

'Los Angeles. And Baltimore.

'Soon they even reached
New York city itself.

'They hit us every way imaginable.
On land, underwater, even in the air.

'It got so bad, even the mere
mention of the word caused panic.'

Tomato.

'Someone was behind all this. But who?

'Uncle Sam assembled
a crack team to find out.

'There was Greg Colburn, my old
buddy, an intrepid underwater expert.

'Sam Smith, master of disguise.

'And, of course, yours truly,
Lieutenant Wilbur Finletter.

'You see, the key was music.

'Music made them grow.
Only music could make them shrink.

'But not just any music.
Oh no. One song in particular.

"'Puberty Love".
The worse song ever recorded.'

Turn on the record player.

'When we blasted it over
the stadium loudspeaker

'nothing ever sounded
so wonderfully awful.

'With the shrinking tomatoes
in full retreat,

'I ordered the charge.
And the rest, as they say, is history.'

'Hello. "One Dollar Movie".

'Is this a new movie
or "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"?

'Looks like they threw a lot
of old scenes together to save money.

- 'Only an idiot...'
- 'Wrong number.'

'I guess sometimes
this all sounds like an old movie.

'But we squashed the tomatoes
and captured the mastermind...

'Jim Richardson.

'The Press Secretary to the President
of the United States himself.

'But Richardson will be behind bars
for a long, long time.

'And we owe it all
to a handful of brave souls,

'and a catchy little tune called
"Puberty Love".'

"Puberty Love".

"Puberty Love"!

It was a fluke, a one in a million shot.

Who would have thought
that one horrible song

would shrink those giant tomatoes
I worked so hard to create.

This time, music will be our victory.
Not our defeat.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

Idiot!

You've hurt Larry. You will never know
what it is to love or be loved.

Emotions are for people, not vegetables.

Igor, come!

Sir, it is my pleasure to respond
to your immediate needs.

- I'd just like to say that I...
- Listen to me, pretty boy.

I know you're hanging around until
something opens up in the TV news field.

But it just does not look right
for a noted misanthrope of my stature

to have a servant who looks like you.

I'm sorry, sir, I mean, master.

I realise I'm somewhat
of a disappointment to you.

How's this?

Oh, come on.

Igor!

Oh, cut that out!

Mutant! No telling how it could affect
the transformation process.

- Get rid of it.
- OK.

So long, sponge-face.

Oh, he is so sexy.

- Can you believe it?
- I know.

Can you prove to me that you're 18?

No, I don't want you... Thank you.

- I had a heck of a time finding you here.
- I told you I'd be at the shoe store.

OK, ladies, now what we need is your name,

your phone number,
your address and a picture.

Please, do not forget the picture.
Thank you.

What the hell are you doing?

- You want to blow my science project?
- What science project?

Running a scam contest?

What are these girls gonna do
when they find out there's no winner?

Oh, no problem. You see,
I graciously invite them out to dinner

and then I present them
with the second place price.

- It's me.
- Spare me. I give up.

Listen, Uncle Wilbur
wants us to work tonight.

Yeah... er, no,
can't do it tonight. Listen!

See that's Nancy over there,
and she's looking to bribe the judge.

- You?
- Yeah, that's me.

- I figured. Thanks a lot, pal.
- You think your buddy, your pal,

- your roommate here...
- Schmuck.

- Think I'll leave you out in the cold?
- Yes.

No, all right. Well, how about, see
those over there? That's Tiffany.

- Room for another judge.
- No thanks.

- If I want a girl I don't need your help.
- OK. All right, suit yourself.

Ladies, did I mention
the Playboy centrefold opportunity?

Don't worry, little brother,
I'll protect you.

I don't mind that you're a fuzzy tomato.

Fuzzy tomato. FT.
That will be your name. FT.

Chad Finletter, Zen master
of the fine art of pizza building,

will attempt the ultimate pizza.

He calls upon the muses
for inspiration. And begins...

Anchovies, yes. Of course.

Raisinettes. Gummy bears, why not.

Kiwi.

They laughed at me in Vienna,
but now, the final master stroke...

...a dab of peanut butter.

I wonder what these things
tasted like with tomato sauce?

Ah! Of course, marshmellows.

I was just fooling...

You surprised me.

- Do you want to make love?
- Do I want to?

Just a minute. I'm a little thirsty.

- What did you say?
- Do you want to make love?

Maybe you'd better sit down.

Here, just have a seat.
You look a little tired?

- Would you rather I cleaned up?
- No, that's fine. I'll do that later.

- You see, I work here.
- You wish sex now?

Yes... No. Let me get you a towel.

Quiet, FT.

Here we go. Before you get a chill.
I'll let you do that.

So... did you maybe fall down...

...and bump your head, hard?

You know, maybe did your mother drop
you when you were a baby?

- You speak much English?
- I speak perfect English.

I also cook 815 international dishes,

perform 637 sexual acts,
and use all the popular home appliances.

- Shall I cook you something?
- No, thank you.

How about a blow job.
Maybe iron your pants?

No!

Let's talk about something else.

The weather. How's the weather?

Wet, I guess.

Rain and all that. Not exactly
a primo night for a stroll.

You know what I mean? So why are you here?

I ran away. You're the only person
I know, so I came here.

Ran away? Why, did he hurt you?

Tired. Cold.

Is this your place of dwelling?

Dwelling? You mean, house?

Here? No, I don't live here.
It's a pizza place.

I have an apartment.

Good. Then we'll go there. Take me.

Take me... Yes.

You're very assertive, you know.
But I like that.

I don't know how I'm going
to explain this to Matt.

# Oh Susannah, well, don't you cry for me

# 'Cause I come from Alabama
with a banjo on my knee

# I do not know the rest
of the words to the song

# I think I'll make them up

# I'm going to my place
and wake my best friend up #

Buddy, I'm home.

Chad, buddy,
you should have seen me last night.

I was incredible.

I've got to tell you.
This girl, she's nice and everything,

but kind of a weird duck, you know.

She's studying to be a flight attendant.
I mean, come on,

it's like studying to be a meter maid.
You just are.

Towel, please.

Chad!

Buddy, listen, now talk fast, because
I know that's not your mother out there.

Never put bananas and raisinettes
on the same pizza.

You would not believe
the weird dream I had last night.

If it's got anything to do
with the babe in the bathroom,

who's going into the kitchen
right now, I haven't the slightest...

What, she's real? She's here?

- Who is she?
- Don't ask me. I ate right last night.

- What do I do?
- That depends on what you've done.

- So think. What happened last night?
- I went to the pizza place.

I made a pizza. It started to rain.

Tara showed up and wanted to make love...

- The girl from the professor's, right?
- That's her?

That's Tara? That's great! That's...

You see what's happening?
Part of me is rubbing off on you.

- Introduce me to your girlfriend.
- I don't think that's such a good idea.

You can't pretend that she doesn't exist.
You should have thought of that before.

It's the hazards of the trade.

You never go home
with someone in the dark,

that you don't want to see in the light.

It's OK, because she looks good.
She looks very good. Yes.

No, that's not what I mean.
There's something strange about her.

- She doesn't seem quite all there.
- I saw nothing missing.

Hi. I'm Matt Stevens. I'm pleased
to make your acquaintance, Miss Tara.

Greetings, Matt Stevens.
Shall I cook you breakfast?

Breakfast, that would be great.

- Good morning.
- Greetings, Chad.

- Would you like breakfast, as well?
- Sure.

Did you enjoy the sex?

- Sure.
- It was my pleasure.

I wish to know more
about your pizza business.

Using extensive marketing surveys
and cost ratio analysis

it is possible to significantly
improve the productivity

and therefore increase the profit margin.
Shall we discuss this at breakfast?

- Sure.
- Good.

Then I'll cook toast, eggs,
bacon, toast, waffles and toast.

Hey, swell.

See what I mean?

I see a beautiful woman
making us breakfast.

- We should be this lucky every day.
- Yeah, but I...

Chad... she's sexy, she's smart,
she cooks, she cleans.

- I think you found the perfect woman.
- Yeah?

- So why don't you get dressed.
- OK.

Shh, quiet!

Oh, FT!

Oh, no.

I'm telling you,
she's a real cloud jockey.

If I were you I'd...

Laughing? Let me show you something.

OK.

So she's a little organic.

Tara! Where is that woman?

Tara!

Tara!

Igor!

The crash left a grisly carnage of bodies

strewn throughout the neighbourhood,
hanging in trees, blood dripping.

Sir, do you recognise any of the victims?

- Mummy.
- Tough break, kid.

- Stop clowning around.
- Sorry, sir, we were just practising.

Tara is missing. I have worked
for days, weeks, months, years,

minutes, seconds,
to create the perfect woman.

I cannot afford to have my work fall
into the wrong hands.

Nobody cooks toast like that girl.
Go! Find her.

Missing. Is this from a reliable source?

Of course it's from a reliable source.
You blonde-headed boob.

- Now, go, get the truck.
- You mean the KIGR news van?

- I don't care what you call it. Go!
- No problem.

And don't forget
my regular pickup of formula.

I need it for my experiments.

Experiments will continue.
Formula at 11:00.

Will you be my friend?

# Call the police

# Call the FBI

# Your love has disappeared

# And I don't know why
I can't feel it in your kiss

# I can't see it in your eyes

# I just got to know the truth

# So don't tell me any lies

# Who did it?

# Who did it? #

- Business?
- Regular trash pickup.

OK.

# It's a crime in the first degree

# Who did it?

# Got to solve the mystery

# Got to know who could it be

# Who did it? #

Ah!

Aargh!

Show a little respect.

Is everything set?

The teleprompter's cued
and the cameras are white balanced.

What?

The teleprompter's cued
and the cameras are white balanced.

I know what you said. What do you mean?

'The Poindexter party
to the first tee, please.

'Poindexter to the first tee.'

What I mean is, we'll be here
Thursday night as planned.

Thursday?

Thursday.

Perfect! Ha-ha!

They'll never stop us this time.

This is domestic.

# Here we are

# The two of us together all alone

# It doesn't matter
whether you and I were meant to be

# Just we two

# We come from different worlds

# And yet our love has grown,
a love that the world has yet to taste

# Boy, am I glad you're not tomato paste

# So touch me there

# You know I like it
when you touch me there

# Who would ever think that
in this big crazy world

# You'd ever fall in love with me

# Tenderly

# Like a child without a care

# Touch me there #

- Wait, where are we going?
- I don't know.

- I had to get you out of there.
- But why? Sex is good. Sex is normal.

- But whips and handcuffs are kinky.
- Kinky? What's kinky?

That's kinky. Did you see that thing...?

- Look, a store!
- Oh, please, no more toasters...

Slow down.

I noticed your house plants
seemed a bit undernourished.

- Oh, these are yummy.
- Yummy?

For plants.

Wait, hold on.

...check this new stuff out.

It's better than last week's stuff
you showed me?

This is the best. Revolutionary.

Are you sure this is the good stuff?

Trust me.

Don't give me
no "Joe Carcione" routine here.

This is some of the finest. Acapulco red.

Check it out.

Allow me.

OK, I'll take it.

Hey, pleasure doing business with you.

Tomatoes! Did you see that?
That guy's a smuggler!

We've got to call the police
or the FBI or somebody.

- Over a few tomatoes?
- They're illegal.

If this keeps up
we'll all be up to our necks...

- Valerian root powder.
- What?

Valerian root powder.

War stories. What do you
really know about tomatoes anyway?

How would you feel
if you'd been raised to be eaten?

Wouldn't you rebel
at the first opportunity?

What are you talking about?

Honey, you can't possibly
be defending those monsters.

They nearly destroyed my uncle
and everything else in this country.

No way I'm gonna defend tomatoes.

Cheap talk from a carnivore.

Let go!

Look, I'm sorry I spouted off at you.

I guess Uncle Wilbur
has been getting to me.

You've got to reject
the older generation thinking, Chad.

New ideas for a new generation.

You can't keep fighting the wars
over and over for them.

Welcome to Le Restaurant,
the finest in nouvelle California cuisine.

We offer three specials today
for your dining enjoyment.

First, baby peas
in a piquant white wine sauce.

We also feature a broiled oyster
in a bed of wild oats.

Thirdly, a succulent cut of the finest
organically mountain-grown turnips

with fresh sprigs of parsley,

delicately seasoned
with sea salt and bean sprouts.

Fine. Two turnips.

Don't you have any red meat?
I don't eat vegetables.

How about a chili dog?

- Fine.
- Very good, ma'am.

May I suggest something
from the bar while you're waiting.

I recommend the diet celery juice cooler.

Whatever. Great.

Think about what I said, Chad.

Don't let someone else
tell you what to fear, or what to feel.

Look, there's not a person in here
who would have acted any differently.

Tomatoes are evil. A good tomato
is a squashed tomato.

Period.

Great. Beautiful.

What is with you?

No!

A tomato!

A tomato!

What's going on?

- Fire drill?
- Oh.

Well, come on, let's go.

She was screaming
something about tomatoes.

Yeah?

The red convertible.

The garbage truck.

Mrs Williams, please be calm.
There's nothing to be afraid of.

OK, let's go ahead
and turn on the light there, Jerry.

Ma'am, this will just take a second.
Here we go. Are you ready?

Please bear with us.
In three, two... and one.

Ma'am, just calm down
and tell us what you saw in there?

Well, I was eating dinner.
It was terrible.

Let's save the restaurant review, lady,
just tell us about the tomato.

I was sitting there by myself and this...

Wait, wait a minute. You were alone?

- What? Yes.
- What's the matter?

You couldn't get a date?
What about your husband?

- He... He's dead.
- What was it, suicide maybe?

No, he was killed in the Great Tomato War!

Ma'am, that's ancient history.

You should have found somebody by now.

- I can't see what this had to do with...
- You can't see your feet.

Do the words "fat cow"
mean anything to you?

Get away from me! Get away.

This woman is obviously too distraught
to talk to our television camera.

I will attempt to find someone else.

Hey, you with the big nose.
That's right, you?

How would you like to be on television
with Charles White?

Someday that'll be me.

Have a nice evening.

That's not mine!

Hey, lady, has there been
a chase scene in this movie yet?

No. And it's already 25 minutes old.

Good.

Well, that's the shortest chase
I've ever seen.

Low budget movie.

'It's 7:45 and time
for this morning's farm report,

'brought to you by Kimco.

'Remember, it's Kimco
for all your agricultural needs.

'First, a quick look
at the commodities' board shows...'

What did you want to talk to me about?

Listen, buddy, it's about your girlfriend.

It's cool that she's staying here
and all that, but...

But what?

You see... Give me that! You see that?

That's a 2,000 dollar stereo system.
She won't let me use it.

She hates music.
She hates all kinds of music.

She hates Mozart and Sinatra
and The Grateful Dead.

Now come on, who hates The Grateful Dead?

She loves the farm report.

She tapes the farm report.
She plays it again and again and again.

OK, I'll talk to her.

'...hailstorms being the major culprit.

'Coupled with reports that the Soviet
crop looks unusually good this year...'

635 sexual positions?

That's what she says anyway.

Well, it's definitely
a learning experience.

Last night she brought in...
a lawn chair...

six milk bottles, a tuning fork, and...

FT!

'Dr Heinrich Gerhard
contends that California is ideal

'for all kinds of nuts and fruits.'

FT! FT!

Wait!

Tomato!

Tomato! Kill it!

- Tomato lover!
- Get those tomato lovers!

Stripteasers, topless dancers,
nude beaches, women taking showers.

Good or bad?

We begin a 15-part investigative report

starting next Monday here on Channel 6.

And let me tell you, the store...

What the heck?
Let's get some shots of this.

Hey, wait up! Where are they?

- Who cares.
- I care. What is that?

- FT.
- FT? What's that?

- It's red. It's a gerbil.
- It's not a gerbil.

The eyes! Eyes!

Why can't I get the eyes right?

Every time the ears are perfect.
The mouth perfect.

The eyes are never right!

- Professor Gangreen...
- What?

Sorry to interrupt, sir, but I found Tara.

What? Are you sure it was she?

Yes, sir. Corner of Fifth and Evergreen.
I was there live at the scene.

You know, if I had my own mini-cam,
I could really...

Shut up! Follow her.
Find out where she's living.

We must get her back.
We cannot afford to attract attention.

Be discreet.

So let it be written. So let it be done.

I wonder if I can remember
how to do those brain transplants.

Wait, are you nuts? That's a tomato!

He's not a tomato.
It's just a fuzzy little dog.

Dog? That's no dog!
What dog has red fur and only two legs?

Well, what tomato
has red fur and any legs at all?

Cut it! Cut it! Save the film,
strike the broads, kill the babies!

My friends, I am sorry, but it looks like
we are out of money for this picture.

If we don't raise some bucks fast
this film is history. I'm sorry about that.

I turned down a pilot for this.
Isn't there something we can do?

Don't talk to me, ask the genius producer.

He's probably in Tahiti by now.

Can't we raise money,
cut corners somewhere?

Cut corners? Have you been
watching the last two weeks?

I've got five actors playing ten parts.
Heck, I'm playing three parts myself.

Have you seen these special effects.
Show him the special effects.

Gentlemen, ladies... we've been
avoiding it, but it's the '80s.

I think it's time...
for product placement.

Give me that beer.
This generic stuff, you know, generic?

It's not going to cut it.

I say product placement. It'll work.
I think you should trust me on this.

- Hey, that's a great idea, J.D.
- Brand names.

- Product...
- Product placement.

All right, look,
trust don't pay the Actors Guild.

- I don't have a choice right now.
- Who cares about the Actors Guild?

Folks, we're going to make the movie.
We're going back into it.

We're going to see what we can do.
Product placement.

- Move back behind the camera.
- Hold it! Hold it!

- Who are you?
- I am from the Screen Actors Guild.

And according to Section 7.3,
sub-paragraph 4, line 5,

anybody who speaks on film gets paid.

- He just spoke on film, so 400 dollars.
- He's not in the movie.

- I did not tell him to be in the movie.
- It doesn't matter. He spoke on film.

- I'm speaking on film. I get paid.
- No, no, no.

- No, no, no.
- Anybody else talks, 400 dollars.

Nobody else say a word!

OK.

Roll 'em.

And "Return of the Killer Tomatoes",
Scene 32, dash 1, take 5. Marker.

And, action.

- How are you doing?
- Just fine.

- What can I get for you.
- I'm kind of thirsty.

I wonder
if you got something I could drink.

Tell you what. When I'm thirsty.
I go out and get myself a Pepsi Cola.

- Wow!
- A Pepsi Cola!

It's the choice of a new generation.

Groovy. But I'm a little hungry, too.

Kind of hungry, I'll tell you.
Well, when I get a little hungry,

I go out, I pick myself up
a Nestlé's Crunch Bar.

Yes, it scrunches when it crunches.

I'd heard that. But I'm also dry.

- You're dry?
- Yeah. Parched?

- You need a beer?
- I could use a beer.

- How about a Moosehead?
- A Moosehead.

- Moosehead.
- From the North.

From the North. Or a Foster's.

- Foster's. From the South.
- Down under. G'day, mate.

- Hey ho, sir.
- Hey, Matt.

Hey, Chad. How about a Crest?

Yeah, I gotta talk to you now.

Here, you need this.

Crest, with tartar control.

Listen, Matt,
I've got a real problem with Tara.

I'd say that's the ugliest
little red dog I've ever seen.

What I mean is, she's acting strange.

Buddy, she likes you.

You're no help at all.

Listen, there's something
she isn't telling me about Gangreen

and what happened up there.
I gotta find out what's going on.

Good afternoon, sir. Have you any falafel?

My God! It's Muammar Gaddafi!

You lunatic!

Where's the fight at?

All right!

All right, that's it! Everybody out!

Ah man! Party pooper.

You son of a...

Uncle Wilbur!

God, knock it off.

It isn't Gaddafi. It's Sam Smith.

Wilbur, it's me, your old buddy, Sam.
From the war.

Sam! Still the master of disguise.
Sure had us fooled, huh, boys?

It's amazing.
You remember him in "Beatlemania"?

That was you? That was great.

What brings you out this way?
I heard you still work for the government.

Sure do. FVI.
Federal Vegetable Investigation.

Federal Vegetable Investigation.

We had a report
of tomato activity in this sector.

You fellas know anything about this?

Tomatoes? No, I've never
seen a tomato in my life.

Officer, tomatoes are illegal.

We wouldn't know about
anything illegal, right, Chad?

Shut up, Matt.

- No, sir.
- You can believe these boys, Sam.

They know what
tomato activity can lead to.

- Tell me what you've got.
- Telephone calls.

This restaurant. This woman
was actually turned into a tomato.

A woman tomato.

- I knew it.
- What?

- See that garbage truck?
- Yeah, what about it?

I know I've seen it before.

I saw it when we found
that thing Tara was chasing.

The driver's following us. Or her.

- I think you're imagining things.
- I don't imagine garbage trucks.

Besides, there's got to be some kind
of reason why Tara left that place.

Maybe this truck
has something to do with it.

Let's follow it.

You follow your own delusions.
I'm staying here. Have a Goobers.

From the front of Finletter's Pizza,

just down the street from H and L Block...

The tax people.

This is Igor speaking to you from
the Amalgamated cellular truck phone.

- Amalgamated, we're number one.
- 'From the other end of your paycheck

this is your boss, you weenie.
What have you found out?

'I have the alleged boy spotted,
but Tara's not with him.'

Good. Follow him home
after the pizza parlour closes tonight.

Right now I need more solution
for the tomato transformation process.

- 'Immediately! '
- Roger. That's a big 1040.

I'll be right back
after this brief interruption.

'Igor! '

- Good, good. Put it down.
- OK.

'Good afternoon and welcome
to the smorgasbord of sports.

'I'm Charlie Jones
with today's live coverage

'of "Full Contact America's Cup".

'Now let's take a look
at some of the taped highlights

'of this morning's competition.

'Today's action pits the United States

'against mighty Holland. Look out!

'There's a broadside
that just missed the mainland.

'The American boat opens up full side.
Score one for the good old USA.

'The Dutch boat is taking water...'

Matt, toxic waste, Gangreen,
tomatoes, music, people!

Slow down there, buddy.
Get a hold of yourself.

I followed that truck.
Some sort of flunky for Gangreen,

using toxic waste on tomatoes.
It was horrible.

We've got to do something. What can...?

Tara! I have to tell Tara!

She should hear this.
No wonder she ran away.

Honey...

'Holland will literally sink
to the bottom of the standings.'

Get out!

I'm sorry, Chad!

'Another broadside for the American boat.

'I'm trying to see
the results through the smoke.

'I got to tell you. This is what
real sports action is all about.

'Just a cup, a sail, and a couple
of sidewinder missiles.'

'Charlie, I couldn't agree with you more.

'Ron Maxwell,
calling the action from dockside.

'Those were highlights...'

I can't believe she's a...

tomato.

Boy, I'll say she's a tomato.
She's got the best set of...

Knock it off, will you?
I mean she's really a tomato.

Ketchup makings. The real thing.

The girl of my dreams is a vegetable.

Buddy, come on, pizza man.

Tomatoes, they're little red round things,
you know. There's a real woman.

Don't you realise
what I've been trying to tell you?

What I saw at Gangreen's lab?

I discovered it. The key
to the whole thing. Don't you see?

The secret is... music!

We've got to find her
before she accidentally changes form.

If she becomes a tomato
and is spotted by a crowd...

- Come on...
- OK.

Tara!

Chad, come here! Come here! Look at this.

I think this could be, look.

No? I took a shot.

All right. Come on.
Where do you think she's gone?

I don't know... There!

There, she's been there before.

Music! She'll change back.

Hey, Tara!

- What are you doing?
- Stop!

Tara? Honey, I know you're here
somewhere. Say something.

Give me a sign.

What are you guys doing?
Get out of my store.

- It's a fraternity initiation. Alpha Beta...
- Out of here, now!

- I think we've got to get out of here.
- Hey!

Now move it or lose it!

Right here, over here.
I got something to show you.

I'll be right back. And when I do,
you guys had better be gone.

Out of here!

Tara, where are you?
I'm sorry, please speak to me.

Buddy, we ought to get out of here.

I'm not leaving without her.
I know she's here somewhere.

All right, look, just for the sake of
argument, let's suppose she's a tomato.

Let's go so far as
to suppose that she's here.

How do you tell one tomato from another?

Are we going to check the stems?

Then I guess we'll just have
to take them all, won't we?

I'll get a cart.

'50 bucks? That's too much.
And this one is deformed.

'It's a hairy.'

FT? Tara?

Oh, come on, baby.
You're safe with me now.

'We'll return to our movie thriller
"Frankenstein's Mummy"...'

I know music is what makes you change.
So why is nothing working?

At least speak to me. Say something.

I'm sorry I reacted that way.
It was a shock.

We can work this out.
I just need some time.

I love you as much as ever, darling.
Please believe me.

'And now, the exciting conclusion
of "Frankenstein's Mummy".'

'At last I have perfected the equipment

'that will allow me to transform
my creation into human form.

'And it's all right here,
in my own secret laboratory. Ha-ha!

'Yes, right here in my secret lab

'I can transform this creature
into a human being!

'I said, transform...

'into human being.

'My secret laboratory.

'La-bo-ra-to-ry

'I mentioned.'

Of course. That's it! The professor's lab.

We can use his equipment
to change her back to human form.

Matt!

'It's about time.'

Matt, buddy, get up.
The professor's lab, come on.

We'll use his equipment.
I've watched him work it.

We can transform her back to human form.

- Are you Rob Lowe?
- You're not Matt.

No, buddy, no. My girl, OK? My girl.

Now, listen, you want to find your girl?
You go to the produce department. OK?

But Matt, I figured it out.
We can bust into his lab.

We'll use his equipment.

Here, hold this. I got one thing
to say to you, the Women of Mensa.

- Hey, I need you.
- Come on, I need her.

Matt, I'm your best friend.
I saved your life.

- One time.
- Twice.

Two times. And it was...

Two, yeah... I'll be right back.

I'll take my quadrunner.

Well, if you take your quadrunner
from Hondo of San Diego,

I'll take my quadrunner.

We will each take a Honda quadrunner
from Honda of San Diego.

They have excellent acceleration
and superb ridability.

And aren't they number one in sales, Matt?

That's right, Chad. Not to mention
great gas mileage and did you know...?

Do we have enough money
to finish this turkey yet?

Yeah, sure, give them hell, guys.

Thank you.

- Stay close.
- This close?

- No, let go of me.
- Hold on.

Help me open the window.

Get in.

Shh, come on, get in here!

Let go of me.

OK, now where?

I don't know. I just looked through
that hole in the wall.

The lab can't be too hard to find.

Green comes downstairs,
there's the Hardy Boys.

What are we supposed to do?
Look for a sign that says laboratory?

I can read.

Hey, Matt, this looks like the place.
Now if you'll just let go of me.

Now we're in business.

Look at this stuff!

Wait, you know what you're doing here?

Yeah, I watched him do it.
It's a piece of cake.

Now, put a glove on.

All right, switch.

You said you knew what you were doing.

They all look alike.

See. Now, you take Tara...

...carefully,

and put her in that container
of green liquid.

OK.

Hurry up.

And Matt, be very careful when
you're putting her in. That's toxic waste.

- Toxic waste.
- You're soaking in it.

That should do it.

Now, put her in that cylinder.

Perfect.

Now, watch this.

Who's that?

Carmen Miranda.

- That's what I thought.
- Something is very wrong.

Hey, Pope.

- I say we stop right here.
- No, it's not her!

And it never will be.

I'm a happy camper.

I don't know what plans you had
for this tomato, but...

...they're over.

No!

Enough of this foolishness.

Since you seem so intent
on visiting my humble abode,

I should make you feel welcome.

Igor, show them to the, er... guest room.

We don't have a guest room, sir.
All we've got is a dungeon.

"Guest room" is a euphemism
for dungeon, chowderhead!

- Must I always be literal?
- Move it, boys.

Go...

Now, go!

Wait, wait, come here!
Come here. See that?

Now how many girls
can you make with that thing?

You know, like twins with big...

Move it, twerp.

Let's go.

Uh-oh.

Oh! Nice digs. Who does your decorating?

- Inside.
- Hey, wait...

- He mushed my girl.
- Yeah.

Great!

All right, this is just great.

Can't you think of anything
but your own comfort?

You saw what that freak did to Tara.

I'm sorry, buddy, I wasn't thinking.

All right, let's find a way
to get out of here.

OK.

- What's that noise?
- Mice?

Big mouse.

No, it's horrible creatures,

it's giant zucchini
and man-eating artichokes!

Shut up! I'll handle this, all right.

Yo! Zucchini...

Tara?

Chad...

Tara...

I thought you never wanted
to see me again.

I thought you were ketchup.

I'm so sorry I deceived you.

- I'm the one who's sorry.
- Look, look... excuse me.

I'm glad you're alive.
I hate to break up a love scene,

but I just thought that I would point out

that instead of two of us
being stuck in here,

it's now three of us stuck in here.

Good point.

Hello... Hello?

FT! FT!

FT! FT, is that you?

It's him.

FT, you have to tell Uncle Wilbur
where we are.

- He can get us out of here.
- It's never going to work.

- He won't understand him.
- Well, we could write a note.

Swell. Where we going
to get paper to write a note?

- Use a page from my script.
- Perfect.

Got a pen? Great.

FT, listen. You have to take
this note to Wilbur Finletter.

You remember Wilbur Finletter? Good.

Hurry, FT.

You have to run as fast
as your little feet will take you.

Hurry! Go! Go!

I hope he makes it out before July.

Tomato!

A bit deformed,
but it's a tomato all right.

Freeze! Don't move!

I got you!

All right, now talk!

What's this?

I don't know how you got this,
but it's Chad's handwriting all right.

"Uncle Wilbur.
Please do not harm this tomato.

"I'm a prisoner of Professor Gangreen."

Prisoner? Where's Matt?

"Matt is here also. This tomato
can show you where we are."

He knows I don't trust tomatoes.

"Now I know you don't trust tomatoes,
but trust this one for once.

"Signed, your nephew, Chad."

All right, you red scum.
This better be for real,

or it's the blender for you.
Can't do it alone. I'll need help.

'This American team is
a fired up bunch of patriots.

'After crushing the Portuguese fleet
yesterday afternoon.'

- Hello.
- 'Sam! Get over here.'

Gonna need your help
fighting the red menace again.

- Communists, huh?
- Worse. Tomatoes.

Tomatoes? I'll be right there!

Come on, Greg. Let's go.

Welcome, men. Glad you could make it.

This is our objective. Gangreen's place.

He won't slip through
some legal loophole this time.

We're behind you all the way.

And this is our insurance.

Grab him, Sam.

World domination, boys. World domination.

I will be satisfied with nothing less.

You'll never get away with this,
you slime. Crime doesn't pay.

Yeah, ditto.

Really boys, save the melodramatics
for your acting classes.

Of course crime pays. This is real life!

This isn't some game!

We're on to you, Gangreen.
We know all about your tomato people.

You're finished.

Don't make me laugh. Your feeble plan
to stop me has failed, Finletter.

You think this is all there is?

No, no, no, my dear boy.
There is much, much more.

As you've seen, my tomatoes
can be made to resemble anyone.

The chief of police. A congressman.

The President himself!

With my scientific genius

and Jim Richardson's political savvy,
we will not fail again!

Come, Igor.

We must get to the prison on time.

If the garbage truck
doesn't make its regular schedule,

it will arouse suspicion.

Now you have placed
the tomatoes on the truck?

We're loaded, ready to roll, Professor.

Good, good, good. So long, boys.

Wait, what about Tara?

You forget. She is my creation.

I made her for my needs
and it is my needs that she serves!

You wouldn't believe what she can do
with six milk bottles and a tuning fork.

You rat!

Calm down, Mr Finletter.

In just ten minutes you'll be a tomato.

Don't worry about it. It's not so bad.

After all, you could have been a rutabaga.

No, no. I'll do the laughing,
if you please.

See you in a salsa.

To the prison, Igor.

Oh, my God.

- Guards! Damn!
- We need a distraction.

- That little fink.
- Oops.

There's our diversion.

What do you know about that?

A regular Tonto.

Let's go.

So, where are they?

This place must have 50 rooms. It's big.

We'll have to spread out.

If you hear anything,

anything at all,

use the secret call.

The secret call. Yeah.

Mummy... Mummy...

Mummy... Mummy...

Mummy... Mummy...

Will you be my friend? Help, help!

Murder, murder. Wait, stop!

Stop. Danger.

He's dead. He's dead...

The secret's out. Hi ho Silver! Away!

Uncle!

The timer!

The timer! The timer!

The timer!

Get up!

Get up!

Time out! Time out!

- Nice move.
- Thank you.

Now hurry up, Uncle Wilbur.
We only have a few seconds left.

That was our last time out.

Let go of me!

Hang on, Wilbur. We're coming.

Ah!

Ghost! Wilbur?

- Get the door!
- Get the door!

You got the door!

Tara! We have to get to the prison
and save Tara. Come on. Let's go!

Let's go! Let's go!

Matt?

- Come on, Matt.
- But the blonde there...

No!

I'm so alone, I'll be back!

Follow me, men. To the prison!

Got to get to the prison!
Come on, everybody!

One, two, one, two...

Get up!

Let's go! Fire 'em up!

FT? Where's FT? Come on, buddy, let's go!

FT!

Hang on, fuzzball.

Here, here!

No!

All right. Right here.

Right here. Hurry! Hurry!

No!

Quickly, go!

Don't lose them.

Open the door!

- Sam, get the gate! Open it up!
- OK.

Hurry, Sam.

OK, FT, you stay here and guard
the bikes. Matt, you come with me.

- I'll guard the bikes.
- FT's guarding the bikes.

- I don't like FT.
- You're coming with me.

- I'll go with you.
- Let's go, let's go.

Come on.
I'll guard the flank, you go ahead.

Ready.

Aim.

No!

Fire!

Tomatoes.

Charge!

Let's get 'em!

Tara!

I will not be mocked any longer.
I was a star in the first film...

You give me two lousy lines
in this picture.

I want my agent. I want my publicist...

Please!

I'm really bad.

- Yeah.
- Let's go, men!

Tara!

Don't move, or she gets it!

It'll take more than that to scare me.

How about this hand grenade?

That'll do it.

Hello? No, I don't know
the secret word for today.

You have ten seconds.

I said I don't know the...

You notice how everything we set up
in the first reel pays off in the last?

- Pretty swift, huh?
- Not everything.

Everything.

A grenade!

Tara!

No, come on, nobody can survive that gas.

Listen to me.

There's nothing you can do.

Sorry, buddy.

Tara!

I don't understand.
How could you have survived?

You forget, I'm not human.

I don't care what you are,
as long as we're together.

Then you'd better get used
to her on your salads.

OK, wait. You're supposed
to be a tomato. What happened?

Zounds! Should have known it.

Once you've been gassed,
you'll never be a real tomato again.

You mean I'm human permanently?

FVI . Take these men away.

No prison on earth can hold me, Tara.
Tomorrow is another day.

Does this mean
we'll be on the news tonight?

Oh, cut that out.

Ding dong, the witch is dead. Yeah.

- Right there, guys.
- Yes!

Where's FT?

That was the bravest thing
I've ever seen a vegetable do.

Yeah.

Maybe tomatoes can be
of some good after all.

FT's all right.

FT's alive!

He's all right! Hey, guys, it's the press!

It's all right.
Hey, all right, I was not alone.

The people I want to thank...
It was mostly me, but...

Wait, come on, look,
I jumped in this window and I was...

- Major Finletter, what happened here?
- How did you stop this terrible plan?

Is it true you wear women's underwear?

Wrong man! Wrong man.

There's your hero.
That's the little fella that saved the day.

Right here. Right there...

Isn't he the cutest thing, Daddy?

Daddy, buy me an FT doll! Please, Daddy!

Why, of course, dear. Who wouldn't
want one of these cute little dolls?

They're the perfect gift
for any boy or girl

and they're on sale
in the lobby of this theatre.

If not, ask at your favourite toy
or department store.

Don't let your child be left out.
Christmas isn't very far away.

I love you, FT.

- I want an FT!
- I want an FT!

FT! FT!

FT! FT!

- A fine couple.
- Yeah.

Have you seen Matt?

He said he was going back to destroy
that transformation equipment.

- Good idea. He's a fine boy, too.
- Yeah.

# Like poetry in motion
Like a perfect wave

# Gonna ride with the winds
Spend the money and save

# 'Cause summer's here
and I got nothing to do

# But get my rocks off

# When those big-breasted tomatoes
go to the beach #

Hold it right there!
Where do you think you're going?

My son and a lot of other people
have worked hard on this movie.

You sit right there
and watch these credits!

# And take their tops off

# Those California girls
that just love the best

# They got an even tan
all over their chests

# I'll be California dreaming
till the sun goes down

# I get around, round,
get around, I get around

# Those southern girls how they hypnotise

# Got the cutest way of talking
And I like their eyes

# But those New York girls
You got to see them drivin'

# With their tops down

# When those big-breasted girls
go to the beach

# And take their tops off

# Those big-breasted girls go to the beach

# And I love to see her swaying

# She got a rhythm of her own

# Someday soon if I keep praying, praying

# She might see how big I've grown

# And won't it be fine

# Now summer's gone but she's on my mind

# After one night's kiss
I had to leave her behind

# So it's back to school
If only I can get me through it #

'Well, what did you think
of that one, Sid?'

'That had to be one
of the worst movies I ever saw.'

'But it's all part of the business,
running turkeys like that.'

'Listen, Bob, when can we show
"big-breasted women

go to the beach
and take their tops off" again?

- I'd like that.
- Let's do that tomorrow.

All right. Who let those carrots in here?

Hey, you carrots, get off the stage!

Hey, wait a minute.
You guys can't come in here.

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