All language subtitles for Last Man Standing 3x11 Elfie

"Last man standing" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

Boyd, honey, that was
a wonderful Christmas show.

- Yeah, it was great. All the favorites.
- Yeah.

"Frosty The Snowman,"
"Santa Claus is Coming To Town."

You hate going to a concert
where the band says,

"and now we're gonna do
some stuff off our new album."

- Enough dawdling in the hallway, people.
- Come on in.

Not loving this neighborhood.

I've already got the nine
and the one dialed on my phone.

Wow. Look at this place.

- Look at this.
- Yeah.

It's beginning to look...
Nothing like Christmas.

Honey, where's your tree?

Uh, in the forest,
where it belongs.

There's a word for chopping down
a perfectly healthy tree...

murder.

So, what's the word for
this wooden table here?

"Suicide"? What is this?

Speaking of murder,

this bum fight downstairs
is getting real.

Okay, w... take... take your coats off.
Can I get you guys anything?

Uh, do you have heat?

Oh, I'll make
some hot cocoa, okay?

Ryan made
some "holiday" cookies.

Ooh. Listen, honey.

You and your class
sang with such enthusiasm.

I could really feel
how much you wanted that figgy pudding.

♪ Oh, bring us some figgy pudding ♪

- ♪ Oh, bring us some figgy pudding ♪
- Boyd. Hey! Zip-up-up-up!

- ♪ Oh, bring...
- Hey, nobody's holding up their lighter for an encore, okay?

You know, I just wish the school had made
more of an effort

- to include traditions from other cultures.
- I don't know.

I think it's refreshing just having
Christmas rammed down our throat.

Okay, Michael, what about
people in the audience

who don't happen
to celebrate Christmas?

- Uh, maybe they shouldn't go...
- Ooh.

To something called
the "Christmas" concert.

I don't head to a luau and go,

"what's with
all the Hawaiian crap?"

Are you forgetting
our honeymoon?

No, these cookies
must be from last Christmas,

'cause they're
as hard as a rock.

Actually, Mandy,
those are called "Pepparkakors."

Swedes bake them to celebrate
the winter solstice.

And, Vanessa, you're enjoying
a sesame-seed kwanzaa cookie,

popular among African-Americans.

Are you sure? 'Cause I
watch a lot of rap videos.

They're never eating these
on a yacht.

What is it about liberals
who just load up December

with every holiday
that's just in December?

You know what?
If we're at your house,

you can celebrate the holidays
the way you like...

with consumerism
and conspicuous consumption.

And the birth of the savior.

I heard 18 songs
about Jesus tonight.

I'm pretty sure he's got
nothing to complain about.

But now we're at my house,

and we're gonna celebrate
the holidays the way I decide.

Should I press the last "one" in case
we need an ambulance?

No. He's right.

- His beach, his ocean.
- Mm. Well, you know what?

We still have plenty
of Christmas at our house.

- We murdered a huge tree this year.
- Big tree.

And, honey,
all your Christmas presents

are gonna be there
Christmas morning.

Uh, a-actually, it'll be
more like the afternoon, mom.

What? Y-you're not
bringing Boyd over Christmas morning?

And now is when you're gonna want to
call that ambulance.

I-I'm sorry, but we want
to open presents over here,

while Ryan plays his didgeridoo.

It's an aboriginal tradition.

Uh... Uh, y... of course.

Uh, it's fine. Sure.

I mean, who wants to be awakened

by the excitement of a child
on Christmas morning?

I don't.

Hey. Well, you made
the kid's grandma cry.

So, what country's tradition
is that from?

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Mom, I-I know you're disappointed
we won't be here Christmas morning.

But I promise
you can count on us for dinner.

Well, we can start
a new tradition...

we could have dinner
at 7:00 A.M.

Honey, we got to go.
W-w-wait. Wait.

Uh, Boyd,
come here, honey. Come here.

Grandma has something for you.

Boyd, meet Elfie.

Thanks, grandma.

I'll use my imagination
to make it fun.

Oh, honey, no.
Elfie is Santa's helper.

He reports back to Santa everything you
want for Christmas.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
We'll do the same thing we do every year.

We write a letter. We send it to the
North Pole. It gets right to Santa.

Yeah, but with climate change,
you better hurry up

'cause that pole's headed
to the bottom of the ocean.

You know what?

None of that matters
because now Santa has Elfie

to tell him who's been naughty
and who's been nice.

Cool.
I didn't know he was magic.

So was Chucky.
That didn't end well.

Don't worry, Elfie.
I'll be good!

- Vanessa, the toy is really sweet.
- Ye.

But, you know,
we don't want Boyd to behave

just because he thinks
he's being watched and judged

by some omniscient being.

You don't need to hear that.

Mike, you just said
the elf was ridiculous.

That's before I realized
you were against it.

Now I'm gonna buy one.

Ryan, can't we just let this go?

I mean, Elfie looks like fun.

Okay. Fine.

Look, son,
nobody's watching you, okay?

It's just a very nice doll.

Oh. Then, no thanks, grandma.

Boys don't play with dolls.

Well, son, hold on.
That's a stereotype.

Yeah. Boys play with dolls.

So you want me to keep him?

Well, that's up to you.

But I want us to have an open
dialogue about the doll.

I'm tired.

We're all tired, Boyd.
You know what?

Didn't we say that when
it comes to Christmas,

I get to celebrate
with my family my way?

Yeah, yeah, we did.
We said in your house.

But l-look around.
Look. There's nice stuff.

That would say that
we're in my house.

And in my house,

we don't celebrate
the navajo corn festival.

We celebrate Christmas.

And in case you haven't noticed,
there's a new sheriff in town,

and his name's Elfie.

Boyd, I'll tell you what,

why don't... why don't we
keep Elfie here

and you can play with him
whenever you come over?

Right, and you can go home and
play with your didgeridoo-doo,

whatever that thing is.

- Honey, can we please go?
- Okay, okay, okay.

What do you say to
grandma for getting you Elfie, huh?

- It's the thought that counts.
- Ohh.

Sorry.

All right, bye-bye.

Oh, that is too bad.

I think Boyd would've really
had fun with that.

Yeah, real fun.
A doll that sits and judges you.

Oh, hey, mom, dad,

I've been thinking a lot about Christmas,
and I have a great idea.

Oh. Yay! Finally, somebody
with the holiday spirit.

Yep. So, this year instead
of presents, I just want cash.

Somewhere
an angel lost its wings.

Hear me out, okay?

Every year, you guys get me
stuff that I don't really like

and I return it
for cash anyways, right?

You feel bad, I feel bad.

Jobs are lost somehow.

You know?

We're not just giving you cash.

Okay, plan "B"...
uh, nobody buys me any presents,

and I don't buy any
for anybody else.

I think somebody just found
that angel's wings

and beat it to death with them.

You guys get to keep your money,
I keep mine,

and then we all just buy
what we want for ourselves.

That's a great tax policy, but
it doesn't work for Christmas.

Mandy, y-you're old enough now,

I'm not gonna
force Christmas spirit on you.

But I hope that
one day you figure out

Christmas is not about
the stuff you get.

It's about
making other people happy.

Like you've just done for me.
Thank you so much, mom!

Merry Christmas!

Okay, mija, you sit here
and work on your Christmas card.

I got to get
some laundry started.

Oh, h-hello.

Hi, little girl.

Are you lost,

or is this the most adorable
home invasion ever?

Oh, my God.

I'm Maria.

- You must be Mandy.
- Yeah.

My aunt blanca always says
how beautiful you are.

Oh, thank you.

On the outside.

Thank you!

- That's such a pretty dress.
- I know, right?

Ooh, my parents got it for me for
my great aunt Edna's funeral,

but I faked a cold
so I didn't have to go. Shh!

Everybody thought aunt edna
was faking a cold, too,

but it turns out she wasn't.

But I got a new dress out of it.

So, you know, circle of life.

Oh, hey, miss Mandy.
You met my niece.

I had to pick her up from school
because my sister was working.

Mandy, check out the Christmas
card I'm making for my father.

Maria's father is away
fighting for his country.

Oh. Who is Mexico at war with?

No. Oscar's American like me.

He's in Afghanistan.

You know, this is
the second year in a row

that he won't be home
for Christmas.

It's a big sacrifice, but...

They're out there 24/7,
keeping our country safe.

- This is me...
- Oh.

- ...and my brother...
- Mm-hmm.

And my mother.

And here's my father
in Afghanistan.

- That's rain, right?
- No. Those are bullets.

All right.

Hey, Boyd, get down here!

Now it's time to play
a little skit called

"elf messes with dwarf."

Hey, Boyd. Clean up this mess.

I'm still playing with it.

You're still playing with
that piece of carrot

- and that one shoe?
- Kind of.

All right, fine,
it's your funeral,

but I'd be a little worried
about misbehaving in front of Elfie there.

My dad says he's just a toy.

Maybe, maybe not.

But what I'm asking is,
is, do you feel lucky?

Well, do ya... Punk?

Pbht!

Oh, man. I'm so playing this
at his wedding.

Hey, Boyd.

Just got an interesting text
from Santa here.

- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was him.

A lot of typos,
like a fat guy wearing mittens.

Uh, he said you made faces at the
elf and shook your butt at him.

Elfie saw me?

And he went
straight to the big guy.

I'm sorry.
I'll clean all this up.

Yeah, well, hey,
and when you're done here,

if you want to
score extra points with Elfie,

you know, you...
I'll let you clean my room.

Thanks, aunt Eve.

Hey, mom, do you need
any chores done?

Hey. I like it.

At least somebody's
sucking up for the holidays.

No, I've got myself a little helper monkey.

Check it out.

What are you guys looking at?

Oh, I hid a trail camera
in the Christmas tree

so that Boyd would think
the elf was watching him.

- Look.
- Cool.

You know, you're playing a mean trick
on your nephew and I don't like it.

And a great trick on his dad.
I love it.

We can pump with this kid
with so much Christmas spirit,

he'll be farting candy canes
at his dad's house.

Wait a minute.

- Did you use my XT-41 camera?
- Mm-hmm.

That's a great image, isn't it?

- Look at that.
- Yeah.

Please tell me you don't have other
cameras hidden all over the house.

Yeah, that's what I do at work.

I watch you
chop vegetables all day.

Mike, I-I have a job.

Oh, my God.

Those candy canes he's eating
are 10 years old.

We should get down there before
he starts in on the tinsel.

Wait.

What is he looking at now?

Uh-oh. We've been compromised.

Call the president.
Fire up a couple of drones.

Surveillance? Seriously, Mike?

This is what holidays must have been
like at the Nixon white house.

You leave Nixon alone.

He opened up China for
the rest of the world.

Without that,
there'd be no toys for anyone.

Don't blame Mike.

Eve put the camera
there to fool Boyd.

Well, give me some credit.
It is my camera.

Hey, buddy.

I finished
cleaning up Eve's room.

Now I'm gonna clean up
muffin's poop in the yard.

Honey, use the pooper-scooper.

I'll use
both my pooper-scoopers.

Wait. Why are you
doing all these chores?

I'm just being
a really good boy.

The kind who deserves
his very own bounce house.

Okay, Boyd,
stop talking to the toy, okay?

Elfie's not a toy.

He's real. He sees everything.

You know what goes good
th awiounce house?

Robots.

You know what? I can't
let this go on any longer.

Y-yeah, you want to tell him
the truth, don't you?

Tell him the truth that robots and
bouncy houses are natural enemies.

Boyd, the elf
can't really see you, okay?

Aunt Eve
was playing a trick on you.

She hid a camera right here
in the Christmas tree.

- Do you see that?
- Oh.

I liked it more
when the elf was real.

Of course, you did.

Uh, honey, you know, come on.

I-I'll get you a holiday cookie.

I don't like those.

No, the good ones.
Not the kind your dad makes.

Let me ask you a question.

What was the problem letting
the kid think that elf was real?

I don't like lying to Boyd.

It's not lying. It's a fantasy.

It's like if you like
your health plan,

you can keep it, period.

It is a lie, okay?

A-a magical little elf
who talks to Santa

- who's gonna bring him everything he's ever dreamed of?
- Right.

I mean, how is he supposed to trust me
when he finds out that it's not real?

- It's a harmless kids' toy.
- No, it builds unrealistic expectations.

You've got it real nice, Mike,
but for a lot of people,

Christmas doesn't look
like it does on a TV commercial.

You had Christmas,
even in Canada.

Santa claus could walk there.

My parents didn't buy into
the whole Christmas thing.

You know, if we were lucky,
my dad would come home

with something that he
picked up last minute at the gas station.

So we got pens
and bubble gum and batteries.

So he got it backwards...

remembered the batteries.
Forgot the present.

We tried to be all excited
and happy,

but they weren't wrapped

and they didn't even
have our names on them.

So you didn't have
a good Christmas,

and you're taking it out
on the kid?

No, I'm just gonna
be honest with him, all right?

He's gonna get plenty
of presents from the people who love him,

but he's not gonna wait around,

waiting for magic
that's never gonna happen.

Come on, Boyd. Let's go.

I have been a very good boy.

I listened.

So how about...
One of those panini presses?

Here you go. Thank you.
Okay, next kid.

Yes, Mr. alzate.

Next up is, uh,
Billy and jeffery osgood.

Their dad works
in the purchasing department.

Oh, yes, of course...
Larry osgood.

He's the one who stuck me

with a truckload
of novelty t-shirts.

I got a Christmas present
for him.

I won't fire him
until the first.

- The beard isn't soundproof, Mr. Alzate.
- Okay.

Here you are.
Okay, here you go, kid.

All right.

"Fishermen do it with a pole."

And for you, uh...

"I don't need a pill
to pitch a tent."

Don't wear them to church.

Ho, ho, ho.

Oh, hey, Mandy.

Oh, it's a Christmas party.
You sure you want to be here?

There's only five days left in
the shop-for-yourself season.

Shouldn't you be at the mall?

Did you guys ever
stop to think that maybe

instead of
buying things for myself

I'm buying a really nice gift
for somebody else?

- No.
- No.

So I just...
I guess it's too much

to expect for you guys
to ever just trust me?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Mm. Hey, Mandy, thanks
for your Christmas present.

- Oh, I didn't get you anything.
- Sure you did.

Mom and dad hating you
is all I asked for this year.

Hey, guys.
Merry Christmas.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Merry Christmas, Boyd.
- Merry Christmas, dad.

And mer... happy... you know...

How's your December treatin' ya?

Honey, you want to
go say hi to Santa?

- Not really.
- Oh, sure you do, sweetie.

Look, if he doesn't want
to say hi to Santa,

he doesn't have to
say hi to Santa.

Perfect opportunity.
Santa's like three nogs into the wind.

If you're good, he'll give you
anything you ask for.

If you're naughty,
you'll have to talk about jazz.

Oh, hey, guys. Yay!

So glad you guys could make it.

- Oh, thank you for inviting us, miss Mandy.
- Hi.

- This is my sister Inez...
- Hi, Inez.

- ...and her children and their cousins.
- Hi, there.

- Mandy, you look so beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.

Is it me, or is it the outfit?

Well, the outfit
makes you more beautiful,

but you make the outfit
more beautiful.

Oh, my God!

You are the little sister
I've always wanted!

Hey, I heard that.

I know, 'cause
I said it right at you.

Hey, you know what?

I think Santa has a very special
present for you guys.

Ooh!

Uh, Kyle, they're here.

You know, when I was
a little girl,

Santa once
brought me a lump of coal.

Best Christmas ever.

The house was warm
for over an hour.

- Look, Santa. It's the Hernandez family.
- Who?

Oh, oh. I only have
three t-shirts left.

We've been expecting you.

I-I-I think your gift
is right over here in this box.

What are you doing, Kyle? Th-that's...
that's a decoration.

Go ahead.
You can open it.

- Merry Christmas, everybody. Daddy's home.
- Oh, my God.

What the hell's going on?

How are you guys doing?

Hey, who... who is he?

Uh, that's their dad.
It's blanca's brother-in-law.

I thought...
I thought he was in Afghanistan.

Well, I guess Santa
gave him a ride on his sleigh.

And Santa's little helper.

Oh, Mr. Baxter,
I-I don't know how you did this,

but this is the most wonderful
Christmas present ever!

I-I didn't do this. Mandy did.

Then it truly is
a Christmas miracle.

This is better than
the coal Christmas!

Wow. So, instead of
buying yourself presents,

- you flew a sailor home from Afghanistan?
- Mm-hmm.

Wow. That's so
kind and unselfish.

You're like the big sister
I always wanted.

What? I heard that.

That's 'cause
I said it right at you.

Well, I'm just glad
I found the right sailor.

There are like a thousand guys
in the service named Hernandez.

- Why didn't you tell us what you were up to?
- Yeah.

'Cause I wanted it
to be from me.

Yeah, but... and knowing dad,
he would have taken over

and paid for the whole thing.

I'm a great guy that way.

- I'm a greater guy for raising someone like you.
- Thanks.

Well, it was worth it
just to see the looks on those kids' faces

when their dad
came out of the box.

Good thing there's
plenty of air in that box,

or there'd have been
a very different look.

Still don't believe in
Christmas magic?

See, everybody should be
with their family, even you.

Yeah, I told you, Mike.
Mine's not so into Christmas.

I mean this family.

Spend all the time
you want Christmas morning.

And when you're ready,
come on over to our house.

May even be
a package or two there.

Even one for you.

I don't want to spoil the surprise,
but it's probably batteries.

Hi, sweetie.

Hey, Boyd, remember,

we said we'd wait for the whole
family to be awake and...

- eh, screw it.
- Ah, look at him tear into that thing.

Just like his dad
at a vegan buffet.

Want to see
some Christmas magic?

It's 6:00
in the morning, honey.

Not that. But I appreciate
your enthusiasm.

Look. What?

The kids are opening
their gifts already.

Oh, Boyd's here?
Why didn't you say so?

Come on.

Cool!

Peyton Manning Jersey.
Thanks, Elfie.

Yeah, thanks, Elfie.

Elfie told me he had to wait in a line
three hours to get that.

He must've told Santa
it was what you wanted.

Yeah, or maybe it was
the work of LA Befana,

the Italian Christmas
witch who flies from village to village

delivering gifts on her broom.

Yeah, you're right.
It's probably Elfie and Santa.

Girls, come on down.

I want to get a picture
in front of the Christmas tree.

Yeah, please, let's immortalize

how I look at 6:00 A.M.
without any makeup.

I don't need makeup. I'm young.

- Merry Christmas, Mike.
- Merry Christmas.

All right, guys,
let's gather around.

Let's get a shot here,
all of us together.

- Who's taking the...
- Stare at the tree.

- Who's taking...
- And, uh, smile at... at Elfie, all right?

Yeah? Okay.

And we got to say that cookie.
What is it called?

- Uh, Pepparkakor, Mike.
- Everybody, on 3, say "Pepparkakor."

1, 2, 3.

Pepparkakor!

Excuse me.

I'm collecting
for disabled veterans

who have been injured in battle.

Not today, thanks.

Oh, n-no problem.

Hey, I see you're shopping
for a pair of gloves.

Must be nice
to still have two hands.

Thank you.

Enjoy being able to clap.

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for outdoor man.

Ah, Christmas.

It's the time of year
when we embrace traditions,

like the outdoor man
tree of trout.

Then we get yelled at by people
who embrace other traditions.

"A tree of trout? That stinks."

Yeah, wait three days.

Arguing about
our different traditions

is actually
a great American tradition.

And you know
who makes it possible

for you to enjoy Christmas and
for others to wage war on it?

The folks who wage actual war,

putting their lives on the line
every day

to protect our freedom to bicker

over whose holiday is better,
yours or mine.

Spoiler alert... it's mine.

Which is why I'm honored
to tell you about

outdoor man's
annual Christmas tradition...

raising money
for our wounded warriors.

This Christmas season, dig deep,

give a little something
to the men and women

who have given more
than we can ever repay.

Thank you, all.

And merry Christmas.

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