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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:15,500 [dripping] 3 00:00:16,125 --> 00:00:17,825 [Matthew] Yep, check, check. Yep. 4 00:00:18,250 --> 00:00:19,250 [Zach sighing] 5 00:00:19,375 --> 00:00:21,143 - [Matthew] Thank you. - [Zach] Sorry about the leaky pipes. 6 00:00:21,167 --> 00:00:22,827 It shouldn't affect the interview at all. 7 00:00:22,917 --> 00:00:24,476 [Matthew] You good with sound and everything on that? 8 00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:25,820 [Zach] We'll take it out in post. 9 00:00:27,458 --> 00:00:30,338 [Matthew] Uh, that's just plumbing, 'cause it's not even raining outside. 10 00:00:30,458 --> 00:00:32,708 - [Zach] Sorry. - [bell ringing] 11 00:00:32,917 --> 00:00:35,497 Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns. 12 00:00:35,583 --> 00:00:37,043 I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis, 13 00:00:37,125 --> 00:00:38,825 and today my guest is... 14 00:00:39,583 --> 00:00:40,633 Matthew... 15 00:00:40,792 --> 00:00:41,922 McConnach... 16 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,000 McCannoway. 17 00:00:43,958 --> 00:00:45,208 Matthew McConnarr... 18 00:00:45,292 --> 00:00:46,132 [dripping continues] 19 00:00:46,208 --> 00:00:48,168 Matthew McConnagee. McConaughey. 20 00:00:49,625 --> 00:00:50,745 Good to be here, Zach. 21 00:00:51,083 --> 00:00:53,713 [flatly] All right, all right, all right. 22 00:00:55,375 --> 00:00:58,375 Sorry, I was just reading the box office returns for your last three movies. 23 00:01:00,292 --> 00:01:01,332 All right. 24 00:01:01,958 --> 00:01:02,958 All right. 25 00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:04,490 I guess that one was all right. 26 00:01:06,083 --> 00:01:07,883 I notice that you're wearing a shirt. 27 00:01:08,417 --> 00:01:09,327 Is everything okay? 28 00:01:09,417 --> 00:01:10,537 [chuckles derisively] 29 00:01:10,917 --> 00:01:11,917 You fucking kidding me? 30 00:01:12,542 --> 00:01:14,332 Of all the things you can win an Oscar for, 31 00:01:14,417 --> 00:01:16,877 how surprised are you that you won one for acting? 32 00:01:17,625 --> 00:01:18,495 Here we go. 33 00:01:18,583 --> 00:01:20,633 But so did that guy from Thirty Seconds To Mars. 34 00:01:21,292 --> 00:01:22,292 So, um... 35 00:01:22,375 --> 00:01:23,575 how proud can you really be? 36 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:24,537 How much time do we have? 37 00:01:24,625 --> 00:01:27,059 I'm out of here in about 15 minutes, so whatever. Do something. 38 00:01:27,083 --> 00:01:27,963 What do you have to do? 39 00:01:28,042 --> 00:01:30,672 Go drive around in a Lincoln convertible, shirtless? 40 00:01:30,750 --> 00:01:31,750 Yeah. 41 00:01:33,333 --> 00:01:35,583 Your dad died while having sex with your mom, 42 00:01:35,667 --> 00:01:37,917 and you've said that you want to go out the same way. 43 00:01:38,542 --> 00:01:40,422 You and your mom need to set up some boundaries. 44 00:01:40,458 --> 00:01:41,518 - No, it's not true. - I wasn't... 45 00:01:41,542 --> 00:01:43,018 - Next question. - It wasn't supposed to be funny. 46 00:01:43,042 --> 00:01:45,122 - It's just a rumor that I heard. - Yeah, I hear you. 47 00:01:45,417 --> 00:01:48,037 Who do you think will accidentally starve himself to death first, 48 00:01:48,125 --> 00:01:49,285 you or Christian Bale? 49 00:01:50,625 --> 00:01:52,455 You lost so much weight for that movie, 50 00:01:52,917 --> 00:01:55,457 I thought you might die from fake AIDS. 51 00:01:55,542 --> 00:01:57,252 I've got three kids, I got a wife. 52 00:01:57,333 --> 00:01:58,333 What have you got? 53 00:01:58,958 --> 00:01:59,958 Besides two ferns? 54 00:02:00,042 --> 00:02:02,042 [dripping intensifies] 55 00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:05,380 At least you're watering them, I see. 56 00:02:06,542 --> 00:02:07,882 Yeah, and again, I'm sorry. 57 00:02:07,958 --> 00:02:09,809 - We'll fix it in the edit. - Doesn't bother me. 58 00:02:09,833 --> 00:02:11,833 [loud dripping in bucket] 59 00:02:11,917 --> 00:02:13,247 [sighing] I'm so... I'm so sorry. 60 00:02:13,458 --> 00:02:14,538 Can I just, uh... 61 00:02:15,792 --> 00:02:17,792 ...see what's going on with these pipes? 62 00:02:21,083 --> 00:02:22,083 I got a lighter. 63 00:02:25,375 --> 00:02:26,575 Dude, don't do that. 64 00:02:26,667 --> 00:02:28,377 [fire alarm ringing] 65 00:02:31,208 --> 00:02:32,208 [Zach] Help! 66 00:02:35,542 --> 00:02:36,752 [Matthew] A little help here? 67 00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:44,207 [Matthew] I can't get out! 68 00:02:45,875 --> 00:02:49,075 [yelling] Who was the idiot that installed the sprinkler system? 69 00:02:49,708 --> 00:02:52,668 - [Matthew] What's the way out, Zach? - I don't know, Matthew! 70 00:02:52,750 --> 00:02:54,101 [Matthew] Well, where did we come in from? 71 00:02:54,125 --> 00:02:57,125 I don't recall, Matthew, I'm a little... stressed! 72 00:02:57,208 --> 00:02:59,208 [fire alarm stops ringing] 73 00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:02,583 [panting] Well, they turned the sprinklers off. 74 00:03:03,042 --> 00:03:04,382 [both exclaiming] 75 00:03:04,958 --> 00:03:08,538 [theme playing] 76 00:03:24,042 --> 00:03:26,042 [bird chirping] 77 00:03:40,042 --> 00:03:41,422 [director] And... action. 78 00:03:41,583 --> 00:03:42,583 Hello, 79 00:03:42,833 --> 00:03:44,753 and welcome to Behind Two Ferns, 80 00:03:45,083 --> 00:03:46,963 the story of Between Two Ferns, 81 00:03:47,292 --> 00:03:49,082 a special feature-length documentary 82 00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:52,247 providing an inside glimpse at my award-losing talk show. 83 00:03:52,750 --> 00:03:54,040 I'm Zach Galifianakis. 84 00:03:54,375 --> 00:03:55,995 We're here in Flinch, North Carolina, 85 00:03:56,208 --> 00:03:58,458 where I've taped my show for over ten years. 86 00:03:59,042 --> 00:04:00,462 Not only do I host the show, 87 00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:02,168 but I will be your tour guide 88 00:04:02,417 --> 00:04:04,207 throughout your cinematic experience. 89 00:04:04,667 --> 00:04:07,627 Who knows, maybe the movie will even be in 3D? 90 00:04:07,750 --> 00:04:08,790 [chuckles] 91 00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:11,038 Little trivia about my show, 92 00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:13,630 I originally wanted to call it Betwixt Two Ferns, 93 00:04:13,708 --> 00:04:15,788 but I thought that was too highbrow for the public. 94 00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:21,132 Our journey begins here, like most classic tales, 95 00:04:21,208 --> 00:04:24,038 with our hero opening a door into adventure. 96 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:27,710 [director] And... cut. 97 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,170 Great, that was the best one. 98 00:04:30,208 --> 00:04:31,393 Twenty-one takes is good for you? 99 00:04:31,417 --> 00:04:33,518 Twenty-one takes? That's really, really good for me, yep. 100 00:04:33,542 --> 00:04:34,462 [director] We can move on? 101 00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:36,782 - Yeah, let's move on, that was perfect. - Okay, move on! 102 00:04:37,875 --> 00:04:40,825 [Zach] I grew up here in the small town of Flinch, North Carolina, 103 00:04:41,917 --> 00:04:43,707 and ever since I was a kid, I... 104 00:04:43,792 --> 00:04:47,462 dreamed of being a big network TV personality. 105 00:04:47,542 --> 00:04:51,212 [studio audience laughing] 106 00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:53,213 [inaudible] 107 00:04:53,375 --> 00:04:56,375 [Zach] But things haven't worked out exactly as planned. 108 00:04:56,833 --> 00:04:59,184 - [synth theme music playing] - [announcer] From Flinch, North Carolina, 109 00:04:59,208 --> 00:05:01,828 it's Flinch Public Access Television! 110 00:05:02,250 --> 00:05:06,000 Anybody watching this show has the ability to make a piñata. 111 00:05:06,125 --> 00:05:08,184 - You're lying. You didn't say that. - The lifeblood of America. 112 00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:10,101 - You told me it was about waste water. - I don't lie. 113 00:05:10,125 --> 00:05:12,785 I have no idea what I'd do without you. 114 00:05:12,875 --> 00:05:15,785 Think about soccer, you don't even use your hands. 115 00:05:16,542 --> 00:05:18,212 That's what makes us human. 116 00:05:18,625 --> 00:05:19,915 Didn't like that card. 117 00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:21,867 Didn't like that card, either. 118 00:05:21,917 --> 00:05:23,417 Where do you keep your Oscar? 119 00:05:23,792 --> 00:05:24,792 I mean your, uh... 120 00:05:24,833 --> 00:05:26,503 Blockbuster Entertainment Award? 121 00:05:31,417 --> 00:05:33,247 We are here, at, uh... 122 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,460 Flinch Public Access Television, 123 00:05:35,542 --> 00:05:37,422 FPAT-V, for short. 124 00:05:37,500 --> 00:05:40,080 What's great about public access 125 00:05:40,167 --> 00:05:41,417 is the feel of community. 126 00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:43,210 Here comes the tornado. 127 00:05:44,625 --> 00:05:46,535 [Zach] Anybody's voice can be heard here. 128 00:05:46,625 --> 00:05:48,125 Top that, motherfucker. 129 00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:52,420 [Zach] This is where I've been taping my shows for over a decade now. 130 00:05:53,667 --> 00:05:54,747 - Hi. - [receptionist] Hi! 131 00:05:54,958 --> 00:05:55,958 I'm, uh... 132 00:05:56,292 --> 00:06:00,292 Keanu Reeves and I'm here for Between Two Ferns. 133 00:06:00,375 --> 00:06:01,705 Oh, yeah. 134 00:06:01,792 --> 00:06:03,922 [Between Two Ferns theme playing] 135 00:06:05,417 --> 00:06:06,737 Hi, my name is Zach Galifianakis. 136 00:06:06,792 --> 00:06:07,952 Welcome to another edition... 137 00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:09,750 of Between Two Ferns. 138 00:06:09,833 --> 00:06:12,083 Uh, my guest today is Keanu Reeves. 139 00:06:12,958 --> 00:06:15,288 - Thank you for being here. - Thanks for having me here. 140 00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:18,325 You have a big scar, I hear, from a motorcycle accident? 141 00:06:18,417 --> 00:06:19,707 Yeah, I do, yeah. 142 00:06:20,083 --> 00:06:21,083 Is it... Where is it? 143 00:06:21,125 --> 00:06:22,684 - Just goes from here to here. - Big one? 144 00:06:22,708 --> 00:06:24,101 - God, that big? - Yeah, it's about... 145 00:06:24,125 --> 00:06:27,075 I have a similar scar on my... on my leg. 146 00:06:27,333 --> 00:06:28,333 From what? 147 00:06:28,542 --> 00:06:30,172 Walked out of the movie Lake House. 148 00:06:30,542 --> 00:06:32,832 Bumped into the seat in front of me. 149 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,380 On a scale of one to 100, 150 00:06:36,458 --> 00:06:37,748 how many words do you know? 151 00:06:38,750 --> 00:06:39,880 One to 100? 152 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,580 Like, do you know 50 words? 153 00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:42,997 Do you know 75 words? 154 00:06:43,333 --> 00:06:44,673 Do you know 18 words? 155 00:06:46,375 --> 00:06:47,375 Is it frustrating, uh... 156 00:06:47,458 --> 00:06:49,788 to have people think of you as a complete bozo? 157 00:06:50,042 --> 00:06:51,542 When the truth is that you're just... 158 00:06:51,958 --> 00:06:53,788 a man with below average intelligence? 159 00:06:54,958 --> 00:06:55,958 Just do... 160 00:06:56,208 --> 00:06:57,418 one for yes, and then... 161 00:06:58,792 --> 00:06:59,792 two for no. 162 00:07:00,333 --> 00:07:01,753 Do you research your roles? 163 00:07:02,167 --> 00:07:03,167 Yeah. 164 00:07:03,375 --> 00:07:06,665 Have you ever considered researching a character that has taken acting classes? 165 00:07:07,625 --> 00:07:09,455 Right now I'm acting like this is fun. 166 00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:11,830 How am I doing? 167 00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:14,287 [Zach] It's a good show. 168 00:07:14,375 --> 00:07:17,125 Right now, it's the seventh-ranked show in, uh... 169 00:07:17,750 --> 00:07:20,960 southeastern North Carolina's public access television market. 170 00:07:22,167 --> 00:07:23,497 I mean, do I have other dreams? 171 00:07:23,625 --> 00:07:25,785 I've always wanted to jet ski to Alaska. 172 00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:29,380 But, ultimately, in life, I'd like to have my own 173 00:07:30,125 --> 00:07:31,165 late night talk show. 174 00:07:32,875 --> 00:07:34,125 But this, for now, 175 00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:35,500 what I have now... 176 00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:38,333 this will do. 177 00:07:42,083 --> 00:07:43,083 [Will] Who's on cocaine? 178 00:07:43,292 --> 00:07:45,542 I'm sorry, I thought someone said someone's on cocaine, 179 00:07:45,625 --> 00:07:47,785 and I was like, "Who's on cocaine?" 180 00:07:48,333 --> 00:07:49,333 'Cause it's not me. 181 00:07:49,417 --> 00:07:50,497 [sniffing] 182 00:07:50,583 --> 00:07:52,633 You ready? Let's do it. [clears throat] 183 00:07:52,792 --> 00:07:55,422 [director] Okay. So, how did you stumble across Zach? 184 00:07:55,792 --> 00:07:58,172 When I, uh, first saw some... 185 00:07:58,708 --> 00:08:00,288 footage of... 186 00:08:00,375 --> 00:08:01,415 [chuckling] 187 00:08:01,583 --> 00:08:04,333 ...this fat idiot, Zach Galifianakis, 188 00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:08,167 [laughing] I thought... I thought it was a practical joke. 189 00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:10,420 I don't know if you wanna get a tight shot of that? 190 00:08:10,917 --> 00:08:13,747 America's Dumbest Television Hosts. 191 00:08:13,917 --> 00:08:15,037 [laughing] 192 00:08:15,125 --> 00:08:18,245 And, uh, I saw him on this tape and he was so... 193 00:08:18,333 --> 00:08:19,423 He was such an idiot, 194 00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,128 and he was so dumb, 195 00:08:21,625 --> 00:08:22,955 and so fat. 196 00:08:23,333 --> 00:08:25,253 So, uh, without asking, 197 00:08:25,958 --> 00:08:28,878 I uploaded it to my website, Funny Or Die, 198 00:08:29,667 --> 00:08:30,667 and, uh... 199 00:08:30,917 --> 00:08:31,917 All the clicks. 200 00:08:32,375 --> 00:08:34,375 Over 500 trillion and counting. 201 00:08:34,708 --> 00:08:36,038 And those clicks... 202 00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:38,790 equals more green, 203 00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:40,670 which equals more white, 204 00:08:40,792 --> 00:08:41,672 [sniffs loudly] 205 00:08:41,750 --> 00:08:43,080 which equals more... 206 00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:45,792 purple. 207 00:08:47,125 --> 00:08:48,415 That's me putting on a big, 208 00:08:49,292 --> 00:08:50,582 purple feather boa. 209 00:08:52,167 --> 00:08:54,007 Yeah, so, I signed him to an exclusive contract 210 00:08:54,083 --> 00:08:55,293 and, you know, 211 00:08:55,875 --> 00:08:58,625 started forcing my Hollywood friends to be interviewed by him. 212 00:08:59,125 --> 00:09:01,825 Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns. 213 00:09:01,917 --> 00:09:03,577 Uh, my guest today is... 214 00:09:04,250 --> 00:09:05,250 Chance the Rapper. 215 00:09:06,167 --> 00:09:06,997 Hi. 216 00:09:07,083 --> 00:09:08,963 You're an actor, a rapper, an activist. 217 00:09:09,042 --> 00:09:10,632 Why aren't you also an astronaut? 218 00:09:11,375 --> 00:09:14,415 [chuckling] Uh... I don't know. I'm not very, uh... 219 00:09:15,708 --> 00:09:18,168 - like, I don't come from, uh... - Space. 220 00:09:19,208 --> 00:09:20,038 Yep. 221 00:09:20,125 --> 00:09:22,495 If your parents had not named you Chance the Rapper, 222 00:09:22,583 --> 00:09:24,743 do you think you would have pursued a different career? 223 00:09:25,208 --> 00:09:27,168 My parents didn't name me Chance the Rapper. 224 00:09:27,250 --> 00:09:28,330 That's a stage name. 225 00:09:28,417 --> 00:09:29,417 Any siblings? 226 00:09:29,792 --> 00:09:31,172 I have one brother, yeah. 227 00:09:31,250 --> 00:09:32,330 What's he do for a living? 228 00:09:32,417 --> 00:09:33,417 He's a rapper too. 229 00:09:33,792 --> 00:09:34,672 What is his name? 230 00:09:34,750 --> 00:09:36,210 Community Chest the Rapper? 231 00:09:37,417 --> 00:09:38,787 Uh, no. 232 00:09:39,625 --> 00:09:41,165 You're friends with Kanye West. 233 00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:44,292 That's the joke. 234 00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:47,040 I don't like that joke. 235 00:09:48,125 --> 00:09:49,643 [Zach] Will you just give these a chance? 236 00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:50,667 They're fine. 237 00:09:51,292 --> 00:09:52,382 This is good stuff. 238 00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:54,832 [whispering] Stop fucking playing with me right now. 239 00:09:55,250 --> 00:09:57,809 [director] So, it seems like you have a lot of responsibility here. 240 00:09:57,833 --> 00:10:00,423 I do. The show carries a lot of responsibility, 241 00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,143 - but, you know... - [man sighing] Oh, my God. 242 00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:03,877 I'm surrounded by a really good team. 243 00:10:03,958 --> 00:10:05,498 My office is right this way. 244 00:10:06,833 --> 00:10:09,633 Got a great view of everybody, I can kinda keep an eye on things. 245 00:10:10,208 --> 00:10:11,418 [banging loudly] 246 00:10:13,167 --> 00:10:15,957 I feel sorry for people who use laptops. [laughs] 247 00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:17,463 They don't get that exercise. 248 00:10:18,083 --> 00:10:19,133 I'm Carol. 249 00:10:19,208 --> 00:10:22,668 I am Zach's right-hand woman, yeah. 250 00:10:23,125 --> 00:10:24,535 He cares about his job. 251 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:26,628 He's very creative. 252 00:10:26,708 --> 00:10:27,538 He's very clever. 253 00:10:27,625 --> 00:10:29,915 So, I do a lot of things for him, he's very busy, and... 254 00:10:30,458 --> 00:10:33,288 um, he just needs somebody to take care of all the details, 255 00:10:33,375 --> 00:10:34,875 and I'm happy to do it. 256 00:10:35,458 --> 00:10:37,248 Sometimes words are overwhelming for him. 257 00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:39,226 He needs to just kind of break it up a little bit. 258 00:10:39,250 --> 00:10:42,460 Zach likes me to cut out all the big top stories of the day from the newspaper. 259 00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:45,018 Just throw them in the trash so he can just look at the pictures. 260 00:10:45,042 --> 00:10:46,351 I've written down lists of things 261 00:10:46,375 --> 00:10:48,309 that I wanted him to make sure he remembered, and... 262 00:10:48,333 --> 00:10:49,963 his brain just doesn't work that way. 263 00:10:50,042 --> 00:10:50,882 He needs it to be drawn. 264 00:10:50,958 --> 00:10:52,708 So, it'll just be a picture of him, 265 00:10:53,083 --> 00:10:54,083 in bed, 266 00:10:54,125 --> 00:10:56,165 and every step, from removing the covers, 267 00:10:56,250 --> 00:10:57,670 standing up, walking... 268 00:10:57,750 --> 00:10:58,880 And then after that, 269 00:10:59,208 --> 00:11:00,328 that's you in the car. 270 00:11:00,917 --> 00:11:01,827 When I leave? 271 00:11:01,917 --> 00:11:02,917 Yeah. 272 00:11:03,333 --> 00:11:04,633 - Hey. - Hi. 273 00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:06,880 Zach also has me run personal errands for him. 274 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:09,133 For instance, he has very sensitive skin, 275 00:11:09,208 --> 00:11:12,078 and he needs to wear panty liners to protect his private area. 276 00:11:13,458 --> 00:11:14,788 I call her the Getter. 277 00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:16,330 She gets it. 278 00:11:16,417 --> 00:11:17,957 She gets me and she gets... 279 00:11:18,708 --> 00:11:19,538 guest, 280 00:11:19,625 --> 00:11:22,625 and she gets... she gets things for me. 281 00:11:22,708 --> 00:11:23,878 So I call her the Getter. 282 00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:25,583 And, uh... 283 00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:27,080 she's wonderful. 284 00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:29,417 So, Zach has a thing called "fernspection," 285 00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:32,920 where he wants to make sure that the ferns are just so, 286 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,540 and they have to be exactly the same in every episode. 287 00:11:35,625 --> 00:11:37,165 He likes that continuity. 288 00:11:37,708 --> 00:11:39,378 Green as ever. They look great. 289 00:11:41,583 --> 00:11:42,793 [lips smacking] 290 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,170 Moisture's nice. Good. 291 00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:47,710 [electronic tape measure whirring] 292 00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:48,958 [Carol] Ow. 293 00:11:49,708 --> 00:11:51,958 - Why do they look so different? - I don't... 294 00:11:55,042 --> 00:11:57,382 I don't know how to take care of these. Keep killing them. 295 00:11:58,292 --> 00:12:00,012 I just buy new ones whenever we have a show. 296 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,309 [electronic tape measure whirring] 297 00:12:03,333 --> 00:12:05,333 Is the width off to you? No, that's right. 298 00:12:05,542 --> 00:12:06,382 Looks good. 299 00:12:06,458 --> 00:12:08,458 That's exactly what it was last time. 300 00:12:08,833 --> 00:12:11,463 [whirring] 301 00:12:12,042 --> 00:12:13,132 What's the readout? 302 00:12:13,208 --> 00:12:14,351 - I have one. - Whoa. No, no, no. 303 00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:15,375 It says one. 304 00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:16,880 I gotta say... 305 00:12:17,417 --> 00:12:19,877 it's hard to believe I've used the same ferns all these years. 306 00:12:20,583 --> 00:12:22,333 - Okay. So, yeah, we all set? - [Zach] Yeah. 307 00:12:22,750 --> 00:12:23,870 - I'll see you later. - Okay. 308 00:12:24,083 --> 00:12:26,203 - Good work. Really good work. - [tape measure whirrs] 309 00:12:27,083 --> 00:12:28,723 Hey, Chuck, I wanted to talk you about... 310 00:12:29,417 --> 00:12:30,667 [sighs with relief] 311 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,320 [director] So, I've heard people call you by your nickname. 312 00:12:33,417 --> 00:12:34,627 Can you explain what it means? 313 00:12:34,792 --> 00:12:37,712 I'm nicknamed Cam because it's short for Cameron. 314 00:12:37,917 --> 00:12:40,167 A lot of people say, like, "No, you're nicknamed Cam 315 00:12:40,250 --> 00:12:43,080 because now you work with cameras," but that's not true. 316 00:12:43,167 --> 00:12:44,957 I'm probably one of the top, 317 00:12:45,417 --> 00:12:47,247 you know, 50... 318 00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:48,253 [tuba sputtering] 319 00:12:48,333 --> 00:12:50,503 ...probably top 50 cameramen you can find. 320 00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:52,290 [Zach] I'm not crazy about him. 321 00:12:52,875 --> 00:12:55,245 His attitude is... sloppy. 322 00:12:55,750 --> 00:12:57,540 I asked for an ecu of the button. 323 00:12:58,917 --> 00:13:00,167 [stammering] You know? And I... 324 00:13:00,292 --> 00:13:01,582 I didn't see your camera move. 325 00:13:01,667 --> 00:13:02,707 An ECU? 326 00:13:02,958 --> 00:13:04,128 [Cam] Zach is... 327 00:13:04,667 --> 00:13:07,327 and I'll say this the nicest way I know how, 328 00:13:07,542 --> 00:13:09,292 he is an absolute piece of shit, 329 00:13:09,792 --> 00:13:11,252 garbage rat, loser, 330 00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:12,625 uh, donkey. 331 00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:14,748 He's the biggest piece of shit I've met in my life 332 00:13:14,833 --> 00:13:16,793 and I've met some big pieces of shit. 333 00:13:17,958 --> 00:13:19,578 In life and in a toilet. 334 00:13:20,083 --> 00:13:22,133 I have a really good time, and I like Zach. 335 00:13:22,250 --> 00:13:24,000 I think he's... I think he's sweet. 336 00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:26,976 You didn't come to Cecil's birthday party. You know, Cecil, the janitor? 337 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:27,880 She's good. 338 00:13:27,958 --> 00:13:29,168 I like her enthusiasm. 339 00:13:29,292 --> 00:13:30,476 [whispering] A little annoying. 340 00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,380 We didn't have cupcakes, 'cause he's vegan now. 341 00:13:32,458 --> 00:13:33,658 Did you know that, he's vegan? 342 00:13:33,875 --> 00:13:36,915 - [Zach] No, I didn't. - Yeah, so I got like plums and persimmons. 343 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,130 It's fine, I mean... 344 00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:41,420 [whispering] That woman fucking annoys the shit out of me. 345 00:13:42,042 --> 00:13:44,809 [director] So there's a lot of celebrities passing through the studio, right? 346 00:13:44,833 --> 00:13:46,463 Oh, yeah, tons and tons. Like, everybody. 347 00:13:46,542 --> 00:13:48,882 I feel like there's nobody who hasn't been through here. 348 00:13:48,958 --> 00:13:50,768 Thank you so much for doing this pre-interview. 349 00:13:50,792 --> 00:13:52,768 - [Rashida] Yeah. - So, I heard you have a funny story. 350 00:13:52,792 --> 00:13:53,792 We'd love to hear it. 351 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,633 Oh, yeah, so, basically, I got home late from work 352 00:13:56,708 --> 00:13:58,498 and I was really tired and I parked... 353 00:13:58,583 --> 00:14:00,183 [softly] Maybe ask her what race she is. 354 00:14:00,875 --> 00:14:02,915 I'm not sure how that's relevant here. 355 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,670 Okay, is there something, like, light you wanna talk about, 356 00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:06,960 that's, like, something funny? 357 00:14:07,042 --> 00:14:08,362 I think you kind of... It's not... 358 00:14:08,417 --> 00:14:09,707 It doesn't have to be like that. 359 00:14:09,875 --> 00:14:12,665 Yeah, like a flippant story about being half black, half white 360 00:14:12,750 --> 00:14:13,750 or something like that. 361 00:14:14,750 --> 00:14:15,790 Hi, I'm Zach. 362 00:14:15,875 --> 00:14:18,495 - Hey, Adam, from Parks and Recreation. - Oh, God. 363 00:14:18,917 --> 00:14:20,127 That is refreshing to hear. 364 00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:24,075 I'm so used to interviewing dumb actors with their dumb actor lifestyles and stuff 365 00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:25,887 so it's nice to interview real people and... 366 00:14:25,917 --> 00:14:28,577 Sorry, the TV show Parks and Recreation. 367 00:14:30,250 --> 00:14:32,540 [sighing] Okay. Let's get you miked up. 368 00:14:33,125 --> 00:14:34,125 Great. 369 00:14:34,292 --> 00:14:35,882 What temperature was it in there? 370 00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:38,198 - It's hard for me to concentrate... - You like swimming? 371 00:14:39,208 --> 00:14:40,208 Yeah? 372 00:14:40,542 --> 00:14:42,382 I got a lot of bathing suits in my car. 373 00:14:42,458 --> 00:14:44,828 Turning down a celebrity 374 00:14:45,167 --> 00:14:48,997 is maybe the greatest joy a person can have. 375 00:14:49,083 --> 00:14:50,083 Can I get a plum? 376 00:14:50,125 --> 00:14:51,955 - Yes, of course. How are you? - [giggling] 377 00:14:52,042 --> 00:14:53,422 Not gonna happen, champ. 378 00:14:57,417 --> 00:14:58,877 [Shirl] Zach, he's always around, 379 00:14:58,958 --> 00:15:01,328 he pretends that he needs to be here all the time. 380 00:15:01,542 --> 00:15:03,332 He keeps taking stuff from the shelf. 381 00:15:03,417 --> 00:15:04,957 I know he does. 382 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,670 My name is Shirl Clarts, 383 00:15:07,750 --> 00:15:09,880 S-H-I-R-L C-L-A-R-T-S. 384 00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:12,976 - [director] And what do you do here? - I'm the station manager. 385 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,290 I run this whole deal. 386 00:15:14,375 --> 00:15:16,125 You know what a lion is? 387 00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:18,458 A lion is a strong animal. 388 00:15:18,958 --> 00:15:21,168 They do what the fuck they wanna do. 389 00:15:21,333 --> 00:15:24,833 Take what they want, eat what they want, they run when they feel like it. 390 00:15:24,917 --> 00:15:26,127 Lion. 391 00:15:26,417 --> 00:15:28,247 And then Bobby... 392 00:15:29,583 --> 00:15:31,083 is the assistant manager, 393 00:15:31,167 --> 00:15:32,957 and he's worked here for a long time, too. 394 00:15:33,042 --> 00:15:34,042 Put me on speaker. 395 00:15:34,708 --> 00:15:35,788 Put me on speaker. 396 00:15:36,875 --> 00:15:37,875 Put me on speaker now. 397 00:15:38,958 --> 00:15:40,878 - Should I come back? - Diane! 398 00:15:42,292 --> 00:15:43,422 Hey, Diane! 399 00:15:44,042 --> 00:15:45,042 Am I on speaker? 400 00:15:45,917 --> 00:15:47,247 - I'll come back. - No, come in. 401 00:15:47,667 --> 00:15:48,667 Am I on speaker? 402 00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:50,500 All right, good. 403 00:15:50,667 --> 00:15:51,497 Love you, bye. 404 00:15:51,583 --> 00:15:52,423 Come in. 405 00:15:52,583 --> 00:15:53,583 What's up? 406 00:15:54,250 --> 00:15:56,830 Did you take my Hamburger Helper boxes out of the break room? 407 00:15:56,917 --> 00:15:59,417 - What if I did? - I want my Hamburger Helper boxes back! 408 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:00,934 [Bobby] All right. I'll just write a check for you. 409 00:16:00,958 --> 00:16:02,748 They're, like, $1.15 each. 410 00:16:02,833 --> 00:16:03,883 Well, there was two boxes. 411 00:16:03,958 --> 00:16:05,498 All right, so, 3.50? 412 00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:10,630 [Zach] Hey! 413 00:16:11,458 --> 00:16:12,458 Where are you going? 414 00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:13,620 [director] We're going home. 415 00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:15,577 [Zach] No, you have to film at all times. 416 00:16:15,667 --> 00:16:18,127 If I say, "Cut," that means keep the camera rolling. 417 00:16:18,208 --> 00:16:20,038 If I say, "Get that camera out of my face," 418 00:16:20,625 --> 00:16:22,205 put that camera in my face. 419 00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:23,750 Okay? 420 00:16:23,958 --> 00:16:25,226 Let's do it again, from the top. 421 00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:27,143 You wanna do this conversation again from the top? 422 00:16:27,167 --> 00:16:30,037 Yeah, this is my life story. You ruined that scene of my life story. 423 00:16:31,042 --> 00:16:33,082 So did you, by the way. Let's take it from the top. 424 00:16:36,417 --> 00:16:37,707 [stilted] Where are you going? 425 00:16:37,792 --> 00:16:39,172 I'm going home. 426 00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,918 - That's bad acting. Bad acting. - I don't buy it. 427 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,250 Welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns. 428 00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:46,793 I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis, 429 00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:49,125 and my guest today is... 430 00:16:49,792 --> 00:16:50,792 Brie Larson. 431 00:16:51,292 --> 00:16:52,292 Thank you, Brie. 432 00:16:53,208 --> 00:16:54,498 You won Best Actress. 433 00:16:54,583 --> 00:16:57,753 Have you ever thought of aiming higher and trying to win Best Actor? 434 00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:00,583 Um... 435 00:17:00,875 --> 00:17:02,495 - I... Yeah... - Good question. 436 00:17:02,583 --> 00:17:04,463 It is good. It's thought-provoking. 437 00:17:04,792 --> 00:17:07,042 Your superhero character is called Captain Marvel. 438 00:17:07,125 --> 00:17:08,125 Yes. 439 00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,500 Boy, they really have stopped trying, haven't they? 440 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,380 I mean, why don't they call it Captain Comic Book, 441 00:17:13,542 --> 00:17:15,922 or Captain We Can't Think Of Anything Else? 442 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,750 And what would your superhero name be? 443 00:17:17,833 --> 00:17:18,883 Cap'n Crunch? 444 00:17:20,708 --> 00:17:23,168 I read online that you're very private and decline to answer 445 00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:25,040 questions that make you feel uncomfortable. 446 00:17:25,125 --> 00:17:26,875 This is a two-parter. [clears throat] 447 00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:27,828 Is that true? 448 00:17:27,917 --> 00:17:30,207 And how old were you when you got your first period? 449 00:17:31,667 --> 00:17:35,287 His show's success is absolutely predicated on the fact 450 00:17:35,375 --> 00:17:37,325 that people are laughing at him, 451 00:17:37,583 --> 00:17:38,583 not with him. 452 00:17:38,667 --> 00:17:39,497 [crunching] 453 00:17:39,583 --> 00:17:42,083 [Will] I think it's utterly fascinating 454 00:17:42,208 --> 00:17:44,958 that someone that grotesque 455 00:17:45,042 --> 00:17:47,422 can actually be watchable. 456 00:17:47,542 --> 00:17:48,962 [gulping] 457 00:17:49,458 --> 00:17:50,288 Hmm. 458 00:17:50,375 --> 00:17:52,455 - [jackhammer pounding] - [men yelling] 459 00:17:52,583 --> 00:17:53,673 What is all this? 460 00:17:57,667 --> 00:18:00,077 [truck back-up beeper sounding] 461 00:18:07,042 --> 00:18:08,042 Carol! 462 00:18:10,250 --> 00:18:12,170 - What's going on out here? - [receptionist] Huh? 463 00:18:12,417 --> 00:18:13,577 What is going on? 464 00:18:13,708 --> 00:18:15,168 Something's going on with the pipes. 465 00:18:15,708 --> 00:18:17,101 - Yeah, no kidding. - [water dripping] 466 00:18:17,125 --> 00:18:19,075 What we have here is the perfect storm. 467 00:18:19,167 --> 00:18:21,327 Old pipes, water line blockage. 468 00:18:21,750 --> 00:18:23,130 And, for some weird reason, 469 00:18:23,208 --> 00:18:24,788 someone shoved 470 00:18:24,875 --> 00:18:28,075 a whole bunch of shit-stained panty liners 471 00:18:28,292 --> 00:18:29,542 down your commodes. 472 00:18:29,625 --> 00:18:30,495 - [all groaning] - Come on, man! 473 00:18:30,583 --> 00:18:32,963 This blockage is so major, it could blow at any time. 474 00:18:33,042 --> 00:18:34,882 Whoever did this is gonna pay for it. 475 00:18:34,958 --> 00:18:36,518 - [woman] Oh, disgusting! - [person gagging] 476 00:18:36,542 --> 00:18:37,382 [Boom Boom] Oh, God! 477 00:18:37,458 --> 00:18:40,078 Zach, it's too noisy with the plumbing and the construction. 478 00:18:40,167 --> 00:18:41,559 We're not gonna be able to interview the guest... 479 00:18:41,583 --> 00:18:43,923 This whole place needs to be soundproof, okay? 480 00:18:44,083 --> 00:18:47,333 Every nook and cranny, Laura and Danny. 481 00:18:47,417 --> 00:18:50,167 - I want everything peepless, okay? - [construction noises] 482 00:18:50,250 --> 00:18:51,250 Just do it! 483 00:18:52,542 --> 00:18:53,672 [huffs] 484 00:18:53,750 --> 00:18:56,670 [suspenseful music playing] 485 00:19:05,708 --> 00:19:07,168 I mean, I would, I just... 486 00:19:07,375 --> 00:19:09,325 I watch RuPaul's Drag Race with my roommate on... 487 00:19:09,417 --> 00:19:11,417 - You what? - I'm watching TV tonight, so... 488 00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:13,580 - I would, but I can't tonight, sorry. - [laughing] 489 00:19:13,708 --> 00:19:14,998 But, thank you. 490 00:19:17,292 --> 00:19:19,462 - Hey, Matthew. Zach. - McConaughey, nice to meet you. 491 00:19:19,542 --> 00:19:21,542 - Nice to see you. - Thanks so much for joining us. 492 00:19:29,333 --> 00:19:30,333 [exhales] 493 00:19:32,042 --> 00:19:33,462 [Zach sighing] 494 00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:36,184 - The interview should be nice and easy. - [loud constant dripping] 495 00:19:36,208 --> 00:19:38,458 Thanks so much for... This'll be nice and short. 496 00:19:39,333 --> 00:19:40,333 Are you ready to start? 497 00:19:40,375 --> 00:19:41,995 You have a major leak in here. 498 00:19:42,375 --> 00:19:44,735 - Everything all right there? Okay. - No, everything's fine. 499 00:19:55,917 --> 00:19:57,787 [bell ringing] 500 00:19:57,875 --> 00:19:59,325 [loud splashing] 501 00:19:59,417 --> 00:20:00,917 [whimpering] Oh, my God. 502 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,920 [Bobby yelling] Grab your smartphones! 503 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:03,880 [Carol] Oh, God! 504 00:20:03,958 --> 00:20:05,518 [Bobby] Look out! Gotta get out of here. 505 00:20:06,458 --> 00:20:07,918 [panting] 506 00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,455 [Carol screams] 507 00:20:12,917 --> 00:20:13,747 [knocking] 508 00:20:13,875 --> 00:20:14,875 [Carol] Oh, God! 509 00:20:15,208 --> 00:20:16,208 Oh, my God. 510 00:20:16,792 --> 00:20:17,792 Oh, no. 511 00:20:20,583 --> 00:20:22,673 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 512 00:20:25,125 --> 00:20:27,165 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 513 00:20:27,917 --> 00:20:29,957 [banging] 514 00:20:30,333 --> 00:20:32,633 [glass cracking] 515 00:20:32,708 --> 00:20:33,708 [screaming] 516 00:20:36,042 --> 00:20:37,882 [continues screaming] 517 00:20:38,875 --> 00:20:41,125 [all yelling] 518 00:20:43,708 --> 00:20:44,708 [Zach] My ferns! 519 00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:46,670 What happened? 520 00:20:46,750 --> 00:20:47,960 My glasses! 521 00:20:49,167 --> 00:20:50,287 Thank God I found you! 522 00:20:51,833 --> 00:20:55,383 [sobbing loudly] 523 00:20:56,417 --> 00:20:58,997 [loud sobbing continues] 524 00:21:05,042 --> 00:21:06,042 Ah! 525 00:21:06,125 --> 00:21:10,415 [Zach wailing] 526 00:21:14,292 --> 00:21:16,172 I got a call from Will Ferrell this morning. 527 00:21:16,250 --> 00:21:17,380 He's very upset. 528 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,290 And he said to stand outside of this station 529 00:21:20,375 --> 00:21:22,285 and be outside at 3:00 p.m. 530 00:21:22,375 --> 00:21:23,375 Is it 3:00? 531 00:21:23,417 --> 00:21:24,577 [car horn honking] 532 00:21:24,667 --> 00:21:28,877 [muffled hip-hop from car stereo] 533 00:21:31,292 --> 00:21:33,292 ["It's Real" by Paris playing] 534 00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:35,617 ♪ On the scene, back again WIth the motherfucking grip ♪ 535 00:21:35,667 --> 00:21:38,497 ♪ '93 was the year P-Dog came rippin' shit ♪ 536 00:21:38,583 --> 00:21:40,583 ♪ Bouncing out the belly of the beast ♪ 537 00:21:40,667 --> 00:21:43,417 ♪ And still the same nigga That was hollerin' "Fuck peace!" ♪ 538 00:21:43,542 --> 00:21:45,382 ♪ But check it out It's the same old thing ♪ 539 00:21:45,458 --> 00:21:48,458 ♪ Cause now the year's '94 And ain't a damn thing changed ♪ 540 00:21:48,542 --> 00:21:50,382 ♪ Niggas still droppin' dead like flies ♪ 541 00:21:50,500 --> 00:21:52,710 ♪ And I'm still lookin' for a way To make us rise ♪ 542 00:21:52,833 --> 00:21:54,963 ♪ I emphasize that I still hate a devil ♪ 543 00:21:55,917 --> 00:21:56,747 You. 544 00:21:56,833 --> 00:21:57,833 Me. 545 00:21:58,458 --> 00:21:59,458 Inside. 546 00:22:03,458 --> 00:22:05,458 - Hey, look at this, okay? - [machine clicking] 547 00:22:05,917 --> 00:22:07,327 These are my clicks. 548 00:22:07,417 --> 00:22:09,787 My website runs on clicks. 549 00:22:09,875 --> 00:22:11,075 Can you see that? 550 00:22:11,167 --> 00:22:12,377 It's a lot of clicks, Will. 551 00:22:12,458 --> 00:22:15,078 Or is the fat drooping off your eyebrows 552 00:22:15,250 --> 00:22:16,710 impairing your vision? 553 00:22:18,125 --> 00:22:20,415 Besides, you killed Matthew McConaughey. 554 00:22:21,292 --> 00:22:22,292 He's dead? 555 00:22:22,542 --> 00:22:25,962 Well, they administered CPR to him, and he... 556 00:22:26,583 --> 00:22:27,963 he's brought back to life. 557 00:22:28,042 --> 00:22:31,172 But... but yeah, he was, he was momentarily dead. 558 00:22:31,417 --> 00:22:32,827 You are a murderer. 559 00:22:32,917 --> 00:22:34,497 It was a temporary murder, if it was... 560 00:22:34,583 --> 00:22:35,833 It was not a murder! 561 00:22:35,917 --> 00:22:37,627 Fine. I'll keep your secret. 562 00:22:37,875 --> 00:22:39,285 Okay? But you owe me. 563 00:22:40,083 --> 00:22:41,083 Owe you what? 564 00:22:41,292 --> 00:22:44,002 Ten episodes of Between Two Ferns, all right? 565 00:22:44,333 --> 00:22:45,893 And I need them three weeks from today. 566 00:22:46,958 --> 00:22:49,378 No. Hold on, let's make this interesting. 567 00:22:50,708 --> 00:22:52,168 How about two weeks from today? 568 00:22:53,125 --> 00:22:53,955 9:00 a.m. 569 00:22:54,042 --> 00:22:55,962 How? I can't film here anymore. 570 00:22:56,042 --> 00:22:58,292 You're just going to have to go to the celebrities, 571 00:22:58,667 --> 00:23:00,127 wherever you can find them 572 00:23:00,333 --> 00:23:01,503 across the country. 573 00:23:01,583 --> 00:23:03,583 But what do I get in return, Mr. Ferrell? 574 00:23:03,667 --> 00:23:05,327 You'll be showered in... 575 00:23:05,958 --> 00:23:08,788 gold, and spices, and rare gems, 576 00:23:09,208 --> 00:23:10,668 rubies and emeralds. 577 00:23:10,750 --> 00:23:12,290 But I don't want that stuff. 578 00:23:12,583 --> 00:23:15,633 If money is not the treasure that you desire, 579 00:23:15,708 --> 00:23:17,248 then say it. 580 00:23:20,458 --> 00:23:21,958 What doth... 581 00:23:22,875 --> 00:23:23,875 thy... 582 00:23:24,875 --> 00:23:25,875 envision? 583 00:23:26,958 --> 00:23:28,378 I want my own network talk show. 584 00:23:29,042 --> 00:23:30,132 Five nights a week. 585 00:23:30,208 --> 00:23:32,328 With an "Applause" sign and an audience. 586 00:23:33,583 --> 00:23:35,793 I want people to laugh with me, 587 00:23:35,958 --> 00:23:36,958 not at me. 588 00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:39,707 Fulfill the contract, 589 00:23:41,417 --> 00:23:42,417 you got a deal. 590 00:23:42,667 --> 00:23:45,377 Ten of your dumb internet talk show 591 00:23:45,833 --> 00:23:48,583 and you give me a lifetime network talk show 592 00:23:48,667 --> 00:23:49,747 Lifetime? 593 00:23:49,833 --> 00:23:52,713 I'm a white man and I'm straight, I deserve it. 594 00:23:53,917 --> 00:23:56,997 Fine. Your own talk show on the Lifetime network. 595 00:23:58,208 --> 00:23:59,208 I'd take it. 596 00:23:59,958 --> 00:24:00,998 I'd just take it now. 597 00:24:01,833 --> 00:24:03,003 - Done. - Done. 598 00:24:09,792 --> 00:24:10,792 I don't... 599 00:24:11,292 --> 00:24:12,132 Please bow. 600 00:24:12,208 --> 00:24:13,208 Are you... 601 00:24:15,250 --> 00:24:16,080 I christen thee... 602 00:24:16,167 --> 00:24:17,527 [Zach] This is not a thing you do. 603 00:24:18,375 --> 00:24:20,575 [Will] ...worthy of the mantle that is FOD. 604 00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:23,922 Go on, young, pudgy Zach Galifianakis. 605 00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:27,170 Ride your imaginary steed 606 00:24:27,917 --> 00:24:29,997 through the hills and valleys 607 00:24:31,125 --> 00:24:32,285 of this country 608 00:24:32,750 --> 00:24:33,790 that we know 609 00:24:34,125 --> 00:24:35,955 as America. 610 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:40,250 ["Slinky Boots" by Speedometer playing] 611 00:24:46,042 --> 00:24:48,212 [Carol whining] 612 00:24:58,667 --> 00:24:59,707 [Zach] Let's go! 613 00:25:00,250 --> 00:25:01,750 Not in the front! Go around. 614 00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:04,627 - [Carol squealing] - [man] Hey, watch it! 615 00:25:05,208 --> 00:25:06,708 [tires screeching] 616 00:25:07,083 --> 00:25:10,503 Okay, guys, Mr. Will Ferrell has promised 617 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,000 all of us 618 00:25:13,667 --> 00:25:14,667 a new... 619 00:25:14,917 --> 00:25:17,627 night-time network talk show. 620 00:25:17,792 --> 00:25:20,082 [Boom Boom] Whoa, he wants us all to work on it? 621 00:25:20,167 --> 00:25:21,247 Will Ferrell said this? 622 00:25:21,333 --> 00:25:23,043 [Zach] Yep, he asked for you all by name, 623 00:25:23,125 --> 00:25:25,285 and he decided to pay for our entire trip. 624 00:25:25,375 --> 00:25:27,955 So, let's go out and film some celebrities! 625 00:25:28,042 --> 00:25:28,962 Who? 626 00:25:29,042 --> 00:25:30,332 I'm not quite sure yet. 627 00:25:30,750 --> 00:25:32,920 - Carol's looking into that and as soon... - I am? 628 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,760 She didn't even know what we were doing here, 629 00:25:34,792 --> 00:25:36,072 she's not looking into anything! 630 00:25:36,125 --> 00:25:37,035 I'll start now. 631 00:25:37,125 --> 00:25:38,915 She's fully aware of what's going on, Cam. 632 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,143 It's actually better that you don't know what's going on. 633 00:25:41,167 --> 00:25:44,627 Just point your camera and shut the fuck up. 634 00:25:45,417 --> 00:25:47,787 That's a nice thing to hear as you're getting kidnapped. 635 00:25:49,125 --> 00:25:50,575 [Carol] And how long is this trip? 636 00:25:51,083 --> 00:25:53,503 The trip should take us just two... 637 00:25:53,750 --> 00:25:54,580 just two weeks. 638 00:25:54,667 --> 00:25:55,851 - [Carol] Two weeks? - [Boom Boom] Wait, two weeks? 639 00:25:55,875 --> 00:25:59,325 To get to the big time, you gotta be a chance-taker. 640 00:25:59,417 --> 00:26:00,707 And I am a chance-taker. 641 00:26:00,792 --> 00:26:03,042 We're taking Between Two Ferns on the road! 642 00:26:03,458 --> 00:26:05,578 Oh! Hey, Zach? 643 00:26:06,083 --> 00:26:07,423 Think I found someone. 644 00:26:08,625 --> 00:26:10,145 - Oh, good! - They're three hours away. 645 00:26:10,583 --> 00:26:11,833 - No kidding? - Yep. 646 00:26:11,917 --> 00:26:12,917 Who is it? 647 00:26:15,750 --> 00:26:16,960 [Zach clears throat] 648 00:26:21,625 --> 00:26:24,125 Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns. 649 00:26:24,208 --> 00:26:25,788 I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis. 650 00:26:26,583 --> 00:26:29,383 My guess today is Santa Claus with an eating disorder. 651 00:26:30,792 --> 00:26:31,632 You look good. 652 00:26:31,708 --> 00:26:32,788 Thanks, so do you. 653 00:26:32,917 --> 00:26:34,827 Did you just wake up from a 15-year nap? 654 00:26:36,333 --> 00:26:38,253 You look like Steve Jobs now. 655 00:26:39,333 --> 00:26:40,333 Okay. 656 00:26:40,792 --> 00:26:43,632 Your Netflix show is called My Next Guest Needs No Introduction. 657 00:26:43,875 --> 00:26:47,125 Wouldn't a better title be My Next Show Will Have No Viewers? 658 00:26:48,417 --> 00:26:50,627 Yeah, that... we considered that. 659 00:26:50,708 --> 00:26:52,038 And that didn't test well? 660 00:26:52,500 --> 00:26:53,920 Oh, I think it tested very well, 661 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,670 but it hurt my feelings. 662 00:26:56,042 --> 00:26:57,832 Tell me about your long beard. 663 00:26:57,917 --> 00:26:59,667 Is that a Stupid Human Trick? 664 00:26:59,750 --> 00:27:02,210 Is it Between Two Ferns or Between the Ferns? 665 00:27:02,292 --> 00:27:03,502 Between Two Ferns. 666 00:27:03,583 --> 00:27:05,083 Yeah, but that's apparent. 667 00:27:05,167 --> 00:27:06,247 Your show was on late. 668 00:27:06,333 --> 00:27:08,833 Everybody knew it was late. It was dark outside. 669 00:27:08,917 --> 00:27:10,226 Why did they call it the Late Show 670 00:27:10,250 --> 00:27:11,559 - or whatever they call it? - Mmm. 671 00:27:11,583 --> 00:27:13,503 If you're going to get nitpicky with titles of... 672 00:27:13,542 --> 00:27:14,542 I'm just saying, 673 00:27:14,792 --> 00:27:16,002 Between the Ferns, yes. 674 00:27:16,083 --> 00:27:17,883 Between Two Ferns, oh! 675 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:19,790 One day you might go crazy and add a third. 676 00:27:19,875 --> 00:27:21,205 Then what are you going to do? 677 00:27:22,667 --> 00:27:24,187 - I haven't thought about that. - Yeah. 678 00:27:24,625 --> 00:27:25,995 Plenty you haven't thought about. 679 00:27:27,208 --> 00:27:28,378 Your son's name is Harry. 680 00:27:28,458 --> 00:27:30,038 Did you name him after your face? 681 00:27:30,833 --> 00:27:33,253 Named him after my late father. 682 00:27:34,625 --> 00:27:35,745 How do you feel now? 683 00:27:35,917 --> 00:27:38,309 Well, I didn't know it was gonna go into a bummer story like that. 684 00:27:38,333 --> 00:27:39,173 No, I know. 685 00:27:39,250 --> 00:27:42,790 But you don't have the capacity for any sort of empathy or embarrassment. 686 00:27:43,250 --> 00:27:45,540 Can you take some constructive criticism? 687 00:27:47,083 --> 00:27:47,923 Yeah. 688 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:49,460 People find you unpleasant. 689 00:27:50,167 --> 00:27:51,247 Mm. Thank you. 690 00:27:53,333 --> 00:27:55,173 You love fast cars. 691 00:27:55,542 --> 00:27:57,502 In what other ways is your penis small? 692 00:27:57,583 --> 00:27:59,793 Can I just say something about this? 693 00:28:00,208 --> 00:28:02,918 Not once has anyone discussed with me 694 00:28:03,250 --> 00:28:05,880 my penis, my size of my penis, 695 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:07,540 my use of my penis, 696 00:28:07,917 --> 00:28:08,957 or my testicles. 697 00:28:09,042 --> 00:28:12,002 So, I'm just curious about the pathology behind this. 698 00:28:12,083 --> 00:28:13,101 [Cam, whispering] Jesus Christ. 699 00:28:13,125 --> 00:28:14,125 [Zach] What? 700 00:28:15,583 --> 00:28:16,583 What'd you say? 701 00:28:16,750 --> 00:28:18,080 I said, "Jesus Christ." 702 00:28:18,167 --> 00:28:20,787 [Zach] Stop talk... Do not editorialize right now, please. 703 00:28:20,875 --> 00:28:24,205 It's hard not to let it out when it's such a stupid thing you said. 704 00:28:26,583 --> 00:28:28,934 It was a lot of fun, really. Seriously. Thank you very much. 705 00:28:28,958 --> 00:28:30,601 - Thank you. - I know you gotta run, so, thanks. 706 00:28:30,625 --> 00:28:32,495 Yeah, thank you. I just wanted to say that... 707 00:28:33,667 --> 00:28:35,997 you know, this has been a real inspiration to me... 708 00:28:36,083 --> 00:28:38,583 - ...'cause I want my own talk show. - Good. Good. Great. 709 00:28:38,667 --> 00:28:41,768 Nightly talk show, 'cause I think that'll make me happy, like it made you happy. 710 00:28:41,792 --> 00:28:43,582 [laughing] 711 00:28:43,667 --> 00:28:44,787 Yeah, I'm sure it will. 712 00:28:46,125 --> 00:28:47,205 Good luck on that. 713 00:28:48,042 --> 00:28:49,292 - Okay. - Make you happy! 714 00:28:49,375 --> 00:28:51,285 - Right? - [chuckling] Yeah! 715 00:28:51,708 --> 00:28:52,748 - Yeah. - Okay. 716 00:28:52,833 --> 00:28:53,673 All right. 717 00:28:53,792 --> 00:28:55,934 - Thank you very much for your time. - Which way do I go? 718 00:28:55,958 --> 00:28:57,328 Right up there, where the guy is. 719 00:28:58,500 --> 00:28:59,500 - Okay. Thank you. - Yeah. 720 00:28:59,750 --> 00:29:00,790 Okay. Bye-bye. 721 00:29:01,333 --> 00:29:02,543 Try to stay off the grass. 722 00:29:03,833 --> 00:29:05,893 - We're... in the grass. - Thank you. All right, bye-bye. 723 00:29:05,917 --> 00:29:07,577 Bye-bye. Take care. 724 00:29:09,125 --> 00:29:10,125 [Carol] Whoa. 725 00:29:11,292 --> 00:29:12,832 - Hello. - [Boom Boom] What? 726 00:29:14,417 --> 00:29:15,417 What? 727 00:29:15,500 --> 00:29:17,460 Okay, what's going on? 728 00:29:17,708 --> 00:29:20,828 Are you gonna, like, make us all smoosh in one shitty little room? 729 00:29:20,917 --> 00:29:22,357 No, Cam, no one would room with you. 730 00:29:22,417 --> 00:29:23,417 [clerk] Good afternoon. 731 00:29:23,708 --> 00:29:25,498 Four rooms, please. 732 00:29:26,750 --> 00:29:28,101 - Four rooms? - Four separate rooms. 733 00:29:28,125 --> 00:29:29,035 One... 734 00:29:29,125 --> 00:29:30,925 - [Cam] We each getting our own room? - Two... 735 00:29:31,250 --> 00:29:32,130 three, and four. 736 00:29:32,208 --> 00:29:33,828 - We each get our own room! - Nice! 737 00:29:33,917 --> 00:29:34,747 That's nice. 738 00:29:34,833 --> 00:29:35,673 [locks beeping] 739 00:29:35,750 --> 00:29:36,790 - Goodnight. - Night. 740 00:29:40,042 --> 00:29:41,132 [lock buzzing] 741 00:29:42,667 --> 00:29:43,667 [Zach] God... 742 00:29:44,250 --> 00:29:45,250 Carol! 743 00:29:47,208 --> 00:29:49,393 Thanks so much for doing the show. What are you doing in town? 744 00:29:49,417 --> 00:29:51,497 Oh, I'm here working, uh, 745 00:29:52,042 --> 00:29:53,252 on my foundation. 746 00:29:53,333 --> 00:29:56,133 - [sighing] What is it? - Bones For Kids. 747 00:29:56,208 --> 00:29:58,498 It's for kids that are born without bones. 748 00:29:58,583 --> 00:30:00,173 - God, that's terrible. - I know. 749 00:30:00,625 --> 00:30:01,625 How can I help? 750 00:30:01,708 --> 00:30:04,538 You probably could stand to donate some arm bones. 751 00:30:04,625 --> 00:30:06,025 You don't need all those arm bones. 752 00:30:06,500 --> 00:30:08,000 This one you can keep. 753 00:30:08,083 --> 00:30:09,543 This one you can keep. 754 00:30:09,625 --> 00:30:10,875 But, for some child, 755 00:30:11,167 --> 00:30:12,247 that's a shin. 756 00:30:12,625 --> 00:30:13,625 Hmm. 757 00:30:15,167 --> 00:30:16,747 It seems like a bogus, like... 758 00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:20,210 it's like a bogus charity thing, 759 00:30:20,292 --> 00:30:21,712 kids without boners... Bones! 760 00:30:21,833 --> 00:30:23,133 Without bones or something. 761 00:30:24,875 --> 00:30:26,555 Why were you putting a paper up to your... 762 00:30:26,792 --> 00:30:28,462 - I could totally hear you. - Quiet. 763 00:30:28,750 --> 00:30:31,880 Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns. 764 00:30:32,208 --> 00:30:33,378 My guest today 765 00:30:33,958 --> 00:30:34,958 is Paul Rudd. 766 00:30:35,042 --> 00:30:36,502 - Thank you, Paul. - Thank you. 767 00:30:37,542 --> 00:30:38,792 Some people have it all. 768 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:40,630 Looks, talent. 769 00:30:41,708 --> 00:30:43,248 How does it feel to only have looks? 770 00:30:44,583 --> 00:30:45,583 Great. 771 00:30:45,625 --> 00:30:47,285 If you didn't look the way you do, 772 00:30:47,375 --> 00:30:49,559 instead of acting, what do you think you would be doing? 773 00:30:49,583 --> 00:30:50,583 Shoveling shit? 774 00:30:52,083 --> 00:30:53,403 I read that you might quit acting 775 00:30:53,458 --> 00:30:54,538 and just disappear? 776 00:30:55,708 --> 00:30:56,788 Where did you read that? 777 00:30:57,667 --> 00:30:59,167 Right here. I wrote it down. 778 00:31:00,667 --> 00:31:01,537 Which do you prefer, 779 00:31:01,625 --> 00:31:02,535 being in Marvel movies, 780 00:31:02,625 --> 00:31:04,915 or being in stuff that nobody has ever heard of? 781 00:31:06,458 --> 00:31:07,788 Uh, being in Marvel movies. 782 00:31:07,875 --> 00:31:09,455 Do you go to your acting coach and go, 783 00:31:09,542 --> 00:31:12,132 "I've gotta play a goddamn ant, what am I supposed to do?" 784 00:31:12,208 --> 00:31:13,708 You lost me at "acting coach." 785 00:31:14,167 --> 00:31:15,627 Yeah, that seems about right. 786 00:31:16,542 --> 00:31:18,332 What advice would you give to a young actor 787 00:31:18,417 --> 00:31:20,787 who wants to hide his Jewishness as well as you have? 788 00:31:20,875 --> 00:31:23,075 But I've never really tried to hide my Jewishness. 789 00:31:23,167 --> 00:31:26,077 [nasally] "I've really never tried to hide my Jewishness." 790 00:31:26,667 --> 00:31:27,577 Yeah. 791 00:31:27,667 --> 00:31:29,957 Jesus was Jewish and he didn't hide it. 792 00:31:30,375 --> 00:31:33,285 No, he put it out there for everybody to see. 793 00:31:33,375 --> 00:31:35,205 He's one of our best. 794 00:31:35,292 --> 00:31:37,082 - Are you practicing? - No. 795 00:31:37,500 --> 00:31:38,830 I'm not a practicing Jew. 796 00:31:40,417 --> 00:31:41,497 I perfected it. 797 00:31:49,708 --> 00:31:50,828 - [Carol] Zach? - Yeah? 798 00:31:51,708 --> 00:31:52,878 Some bad news. 799 00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:55,710 Jake Gyllenhaal had to cancel. 800 00:31:55,792 --> 00:31:56,792 Why? 801 00:31:56,833 --> 00:31:58,753 He spelled his name wrong on his plane ticket. 802 00:31:59,208 --> 00:32:00,208 What? 803 00:32:00,542 --> 00:32:01,672 It's too many As. 804 00:32:03,417 --> 00:32:04,577 [sighing] 805 00:32:05,500 --> 00:32:07,710 - I don't know what to do. - Ah! Oh, my God! Zach! 806 00:32:07,833 --> 00:32:09,753 Look over there! That's Chrissy Teigen! 807 00:32:10,167 --> 00:32:11,417 She's a supermodel. 808 00:32:11,500 --> 00:32:12,500 How super? 809 00:32:12,750 --> 00:32:14,210 She's married to John Legend. 810 00:32:19,917 --> 00:32:21,327 Go talk to her. You have to. 811 00:32:21,417 --> 00:32:22,417 - I can't. - Get up! 812 00:32:22,458 --> 00:32:23,458 [Zach sighing] 813 00:32:23,875 --> 00:32:24,955 [Carol] Go! Go! 814 00:32:25,625 --> 00:32:26,625 Okay. 815 00:32:30,750 --> 00:32:31,750 - Hi. - Hi. 816 00:32:32,792 --> 00:32:34,542 Another Brandy Alexander, please. 817 00:32:38,125 --> 00:32:40,245 - Hello. - Oh, my God, I know you! 818 00:32:40,333 --> 00:32:41,583 - You do? - Oh, my God. 819 00:32:41,667 --> 00:32:43,377 You are the Between Two Ferns guy. 820 00:32:43,458 --> 00:32:44,918 I love your show. 821 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:46,000 You've seen my show? 822 00:32:46,292 --> 00:32:48,412 Yes, I've seen it, everybody's seen it. It's so funny. 823 00:32:48,833 --> 00:32:50,333 You are so... 824 00:32:50,750 --> 00:32:51,750 uncomfortable, 825 00:32:51,792 --> 00:32:53,582 and weird, and awkward, 826 00:32:53,667 --> 00:32:55,957 and all your guests, like, you can tell they hate it, 827 00:32:56,042 --> 00:32:57,122 - but they're there! - Yeah. 828 00:32:57,500 --> 00:33:00,000 - I love it. - Not really what I'm going for, but... 829 00:33:00,458 --> 00:33:02,248 - Sorry. [chuckles] - That's okay. 830 00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:05,380 Can I ask you a question? 831 00:33:05,458 --> 00:33:06,288 Shoot. 832 00:33:06,375 --> 00:33:07,875 How did you get started? 833 00:33:08,583 --> 00:33:10,673 How did you become... 834 00:33:10,750 --> 00:33:12,130 Everyone always asks me that, 835 00:33:12,250 --> 00:33:13,880 and it's actually a really funny story. 836 00:33:13,958 --> 00:33:15,628 So, it's 2003, 837 00:33:15,708 --> 00:33:18,418 this guy shows up at my door with this box, 838 00:33:18,500 --> 00:33:21,380 and there's this button inside, and he says, "If you push this button, 839 00:33:21,708 --> 00:33:23,788 - your greatest dream will come true... - Hmm. 840 00:33:23,875 --> 00:33:26,325 ...but somebody, somewhere, will die." 841 00:33:27,042 --> 00:33:28,632 And so, I pushed it, 842 00:33:28,833 --> 00:33:30,043 Mister Rogers died... 843 00:33:30,125 --> 00:33:31,495 - What? - ...and here I am. 844 00:33:32,708 --> 00:33:34,601 Wait, because you pushed the button, you think that's... 845 00:33:34,625 --> 00:33:36,375 I mean, he had a good life, so... 846 00:33:39,167 --> 00:33:41,377 - I had a guest that dropped out... - Mm-hmm. 847 00:33:41,833 --> 00:33:43,423 ...just last-minute for my talk show. 848 00:33:43,500 --> 00:33:46,420 Is there anyway I can interview you? 849 00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,880 I actually have a better idea. 850 00:33:54,583 --> 00:33:55,883 You're touching my hand. 851 00:33:56,542 --> 00:33:57,382 Listen... 852 00:33:57,458 --> 00:34:00,078 what if we take this upstairs? 853 00:34:01,417 --> 00:34:03,077 [whispering] What about John Legend? 854 00:34:03,167 --> 00:34:06,667 [chuckles] He's fine, he's probably at home polishing his EGOT. 855 00:34:07,500 --> 00:34:09,170 Is that what he calls his penis? 856 00:34:09,250 --> 00:34:12,000 [smooth jazz playing] 857 00:34:20,167 --> 00:34:21,167 Come on. 858 00:34:33,958 --> 00:34:35,248 That was at my hotel room. 859 00:34:35,333 --> 00:34:36,503 How did you get that footage? 860 00:34:36,583 --> 00:34:37,883 There are cameras everywhere. 861 00:34:37,958 --> 00:34:39,498 You told me to never stop filming. 862 00:34:39,875 --> 00:34:42,955 This whole trip, you've been filming me in every hotel room that I've been in? 863 00:34:43,417 --> 00:34:44,417 Yes. 864 00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:48,540 Right. This is not in the documentary. 865 00:34:48,958 --> 00:34:49,958 Right? 866 00:34:51,167 --> 00:34:52,167 At all. 867 00:34:53,167 --> 00:34:54,207 Destroy it. 868 00:34:55,125 --> 00:34:56,125 Now. 869 00:34:56,375 --> 00:34:58,415 But before you do, will you email me that? 870 00:35:04,333 --> 00:35:06,853 [waiter] Hey, guys, welcome to The Bear Pit. We cook with wood. 871 00:35:06,958 --> 00:35:09,168 Can I get you some honey gushers to start? 872 00:35:09,458 --> 00:35:10,458 What are honey gushers? 873 00:35:10,500 --> 00:35:11,500 It's just lemonade. 874 00:35:11,958 --> 00:35:13,038 Wow, you really sell it. 875 00:35:13,500 --> 00:35:15,170 Just telling it like it is. [laughs dryly] 876 00:35:15,250 --> 00:35:16,920 I'll take the fried chicken plate. 877 00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:18,460 I'll get pork ribs. 878 00:35:18,542 --> 00:35:20,309 - I want the special. I want... - [waiter] Special. 879 00:35:20,333 --> 00:35:22,043 - Do you have sushi? - I could... 880 00:35:22,125 --> 00:35:24,915 put some fish sticks on a rice pilaf, I guess? 881 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:26,960 That's fine. Side of gravy. 882 00:35:27,042 --> 00:35:28,684 Good enough. I'll be right back with that, guys. 883 00:35:28,708 --> 00:35:30,601 - Thank you so much for your patience. - [Zach] And your name is? 884 00:35:30,625 --> 00:35:32,143 - My name is Mike. - [Carol] Thanks, Mike. 885 00:35:32,167 --> 00:35:34,087 - Thanks, Mike. - [Mike] You can call me Michael. 886 00:35:34,417 --> 00:35:35,417 Thanks, Mike. 887 00:35:35,583 --> 00:35:37,173 [Carol] That's great, actually. Wow. 888 00:35:37,625 --> 00:35:39,625 - We're gonna go to the bathroom. - Does he really? 889 00:35:39,833 --> 00:35:40,883 [laughing] Okay! 890 00:35:40,958 --> 00:35:41,958 Thank you so much. 891 00:35:43,125 --> 00:35:43,995 We got a celebrity! 892 00:35:44,083 --> 00:35:45,083 Oh, good! 893 00:35:45,583 --> 00:35:46,583 John Legend! 894 00:35:47,708 --> 00:35:49,078 Oh, I'm so excited! 895 00:35:49,375 --> 00:35:50,375 The... 896 00:35:50,625 --> 00:35:52,535 [Carol] Yes, the piano man, yeah! 897 00:35:52,625 --> 00:35:54,726 He just called his manager out of the blue this morning and was like, 898 00:35:54,750 --> 00:35:57,500 "I wanna be on that show," and he's on a plane right now flying here. 899 00:35:57,917 --> 00:35:58,917 - Right now? - Yes. 900 00:35:59,083 --> 00:36:00,083 - Here? - He's rushed. 901 00:36:00,375 --> 00:36:03,875 Honestly, I've never heard someone sound so excited to do our show. 902 00:36:05,875 --> 00:36:08,875 [Zach] Okay. Yeah, so... when is he coming? 903 00:36:08,958 --> 00:36:10,809 - He's gonna be here in a second. - Where is he? Where is he though? 904 00:36:10,833 --> 00:36:12,713 His team said he was minutes away. 905 00:36:12,833 --> 00:36:14,268 There's a chance I might leave during the interview. 906 00:36:14,292 --> 00:36:15,632 - [John] Zach! - What? 907 00:36:16,875 --> 00:36:17,875 Hi. 908 00:36:21,458 --> 00:36:22,668 How are you, buddy? 909 00:36:22,917 --> 00:36:24,537 So good to see you, man. 910 00:36:24,833 --> 00:36:26,333 I'm so excited to be here. 911 00:36:26,625 --> 00:36:27,625 Oh, good. 912 00:36:28,167 --> 00:36:29,877 - Yeah, have... have a seat. - Yeah. 913 00:36:30,125 --> 00:36:30,995 - Okay. - Okay. 914 00:36:31,083 --> 00:36:31,923 Okay. 915 00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:35,250 Oh! I've been wanting to be on your show for so long. 916 00:36:35,333 --> 00:36:36,973 I've been talking to my manager about it. 917 00:36:37,042 --> 00:36:39,059 - I'm so excited to be here. - Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. 918 00:36:39,083 --> 00:36:40,383 Is everything okay, Zach? 919 00:36:40,542 --> 00:36:41,934 Yeah, everything's... everything's fine, 920 00:36:41,958 --> 00:36:45,288 I just get the pre-jo shitters sometime... Uh, pre-show jitters sometimes. 921 00:36:45,708 --> 00:36:46,708 Okay. 922 00:36:47,833 --> 00:36:52,133 Hi, uh, welcome to another, uh, edition of Between Two Ferns. 923 00:36:52,208 --> 00:36:53,828 I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis, 924 00:36:53,917 --> 00:36:55,037 and my guest today 925 00:36:55,500 --> 00:36:56,500 is John Legend. 926 00:36:56,583 --> 00:36:58,213 - Hey, Zach! - Hey, John. 927 00:36:58,708 --> 00:37:00,458 Can I get an autograph for my mom? 928 00:37:00,542 --> 00:37:01,672 Sure, no problem. 929 00:37:01,750 --> 00:37:04,040 - Because she wants to give it to her mom. - Okay. 930 00:37:04,792 --> 00:37:06,042 Grandmas are great, too. 931 00:37:06,792 --> 00:37:07,792 [exhaling nervously] 932 00:37:08,417 --> 00:37:09,497 Are you okay with all this? 933 00:37:09,583 --> 00:37:10,833 I'm so okay with it. 934 00:37:11,458 --> 00:37:12,748 I'm having such a great time! 935 00:37:12,833 --> 00:37:13,833 Are you having fun? 936 00:37:16,792 --> 00:37:18,672 We have something in common, uh... 937 00:37:18,750 --> 00:37:21,170 which is we both love to tickle the ivories. 938 00:37:21,250 --> 00:37:23,351 You play the piano and I love to make white people laugh. 939 00:37:23,375 --> 00:37:24,455 [John guffaws] 940 00:37:24,917 --> 00:37:25,787 You're great! 941 00:37:25,875 --> 00:37:26,875 [laughs] 942 00:37:27,250 --> 00:37:28,330 This is good stuff. 943 00:37:29,583 --> 00:37:31,083 You have many titles, uh... 944 00:37:31,167 --> 00:37:32,417 musician, actor, 945 00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:34,205 producer, philanthropist. 946 00:37:34,833 --> 00:37:35,753 But at the end of the day, 947 00:37:35,833 --> 00:37:38,193 aren't you just a millionaire who's married to a supermodel? 948 00:37:42,417 --> 00:37:45,377 I, uh, am married to a supermodel, yes. 949 00:37:46,042 --> 00:37:47,042 [Zach] I'll look her up. 950 00:37:47,333 --> 00:37:48,333 He met her. 951 00:37:48,417 --> 00:37:49,327 - You met her? - I did? 952 00:37:49,417 --> 00:37:50,417 [Carol] Yeah. 953 00:37:50,708 --> 00:37:51,958 - When? - Yes, of course. 954 00:37:52,542 --> 00:37:53,542 In the bar. 955 00:37:53,583 --> 00:37:55,293 [John] You met my wife in a bar? 956 00:37:55,792 --> 00:37:57,434 I meet a lot of people. I meet a lot of people. 957 00:37:57,458 --> 00:37:58,828 [Carol] It was last night. 958 00:37:59,167 --> 00:38:00,827 You met my wife last night? 959 00:38:01,083 --> 00:38:03,018 - What does she look like? - [Carol] She's gorgeous. 960 00:38:03,042 --> 00:38:05,672 I told you, "Go over and talk to her, we can get an interview." 961 00:38:07,292 --> 00:38:08,132 I don't remember her. 962 00:38:08,208 --> 00:38:09,928 [Carol] Why are you staring at me like this? 963 00:38:10,083 --> 00:38:10,923 What? 964 00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:13,143 I feel you're trying to communicate something that I don't get. 965 00:38:13,167 --> 00:38:14,377 [whispering] Shut the fuck up. 966 00:38:18,458 --> 00:38:19,458 [whispering] Carol. 967 00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:21,000 Zach! 968 00:38:21,917 --> 00:38:22,997 That was fun, man. 969 00:38:23,417 --> 00:38:24,417 Yeah. 970 00:38:24,625 --> 00:38:25,625 Don't leave yet. 971 00:38:26,458 --> 00:38:27,538 Give me a hug, brother. 972 00:38:27,917 --> 00:38:28,917 Okay. 973 00:38:31,458 --> 00:38:33,168 [whispering] I know what you did. 974 00:38:35,958 --> 00:38:37,328 - [spraying] - Ah! 975 00:38:38,583 --> 00:38:41,673 [Zach screaming] 976 00:38:41,750 --> 00:38:44,000 - God! God! - [phone buzzing] 977 00:38:45,375 --> 00:38:46,875 Yeah. I'll be out in a second. 978 00:38:47,042 --> 00:38:48,268 Just meet me at the back entrance. 979 00:38:48,292 --> 00:38:49,712 [moaning] 980 00:38:49,792 --> 00:38:50,792 [Carol] Zach? 981 00:38:51,083 --> 00:38:51,923 What just happened? 982 00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:53,750 He sprayed mace on my penis! 983 00:38:53,833 --> 00:38:54,673 What did you do? 984 00:38:54,750 --> 00:38:58,420 He's probably retaliating 'cause I had intercourse with his wife! 985 00:38:58,750 --> 00:38:59,750 What? 986 00:38:59,875 --> 00:39:03,745 [sobbing] I had sex with Chrissy Teigen. 987 00:39:03,833 --> 00:39:04,963 No, you didn't. 988 00:39:05,250 --> 00:39:07,920 Why else would he come and spray me where it happened? 989 00:39:08,250 --> 00:39:09,250 [Carol] Ew. 990 00:39:09,500 --> 00:39:10,960 It'll go away in, like, a half-hour. 991 00:39:11,042 --> 00:39:13,252 I've been sprayed before. It's not bad. 992 00:39:13,333 --> 00:39:15,923 [Zach whimpering] 993 00:39:16,083 --> 00:39:17,293 Oh, God! 994 00:39:24,083 --> 00:39:25,793 Excuse me, Mr. Hamm? 995 00:39:25,875 --> 00:39:27,375 - Hi! - Hi, my name is Zach, 996 00:39:27,458 --> 00:39:28,788 I have a public access talk show, 997 00:39:28,875 --> 00:39:31,156 and I was wondering if you would like to be a guest on it? 998 00:39:33,583 --> 00:39:34,633 Absolutely. 999 00:39:34,708 --> 00:39:36,498 Guys, we're gonna need to take a quick break. 1000 00:39:36,583 --> 00:39:39,083 My friend Jack just asked me to be on his TV show, 1001 00:39:39,167 --> 00:39:40,827 and I don't say no to anything, so... 1002 00:39:40,917 --> 00:39:43,827 - Thank you so much. Yeah. - [applauding] 1003 00:39:44,208 --> 00:39:47,328 The Me Too movement has been an important learning process for men. 1004 00:39:47,667 --> 00:39:49,307 Do you feel like you've missed out on that 1005 00:39:49,375 --> 00:39:52,175 because every woman you've ever met just wants to fuck your brains out? 1006 00:39:53,292 --> 00:39:56,882 Bradley Cooper co-wrote, produced, directed, and starred in A Star is Born. 1007 00:39:56,958 --> 00:39:57,878 I hear it's great. 1008 00:39:57,958 --> 00:40:00,788 Are you hoping that will open doors for other hot idiots? 1009 00:40:01,917 --> 00:40:03,457 Uh, you know... 1010 00:40:03,542 --> 00:40:06,212 At what point during the making of Tag did you guys realize 1011 00:40:06,292 --> 00:40:10,212 that you were making one of the most iconic pieces of mediocrity ever produced? 1012 00:40:10,292 --> 00:40:13,252 [Jon laughing] 1013 00:40:14,333 --> 00:40:15,543 I get it! 1014 00:40:17,167 --> 00:40:19,707 My guest today is Hailee Steinfeld. 1015 00:40:19,792 --> 00:40:20,792 All right. 1016 00:40:20,958 --> 00:40:23,128 - Nice to have you here, Sta... Stailee... - Thank... 1017 00:40:23,208 --> 00:40:25,128 To have... Nice to hear... Have... 1018 00:40:25,458 --> 00:40:26,958 Nice to have you here, Stailee. 1019 00:40:27,500 --> 00:40:29,210 You were in Pitch Perfect 2 and 3. 1020 00:40:29,333 --> 00:40:31,133 Do you ever wish you had been in the good one? 1021 00:40:32,958 --> 00:40:34,958 You have 12 million Instagram followers. 1022 00:40:35,542 --> 00:40:38,502 How long did it take you to apologize to each one of them for Bumblebee? 1023 00:40:39,542 --> 00:40:40,922 I walked out of that movie. 1024 00:40:41,500 --> 00:40:43,420 I'm just kidding, I didn't walk out of the movie. 1025 00:40:43,958 --> 00:40:46,498 I skipped out 'cause I was so happy to be leaving. 1026 00:40:46,583 --> 00:40:47,583 Wow. 1027 00:40:48,375 --> 00:40:49,995 You dated a guy from One Direction. 1028 00:40:50,250 --> 00:40:53,080 Which one direction was his penis pointing, north or south? 1029 00:40:55,583 --> 00:40:56,583 Are we done? 1030 00:40:58,792 --> 00:41:00,212 Hey, Zach, could I get this? 1031 00:41:00,292 --> 00:41:02,772 Absolutely. Matter of fact, if you guys want some trinkets too, 1032 00:41:02,833 --> 00:41:04,133 it's on me. My treat. 1033 00:41:11,750 --> 00:41:13,290 My guest today is... 1034 00:41:13,375 --> 00:41:14,375 Aquafina. 1035 00:41:14,583 --> 00:41:15,583 Awkwafina. 1036 00:41:15,667 --> 00:41:16,747 Like the water? 1037 00:41:16,833 --> 00:41:18,883 Well, it's spelled differently, so... 1038 00:41:18,958 --> 00:41:21,078 You've been raping since the age of 13... 1039 00:41:21,167 --> 00:41:22,167 Rapping. 1040 00:41:22,458 --> 00:41:24,038 - Rapping. - That makes more sense. 1041 00:41:25,083 --> 00:41:27,333 You starred in, um, Ocean's 8. 1042 00:41:27,417 --> 00:41:28,327 It's a great movie. 1043 00:41:28,417 --> 00:41:31,077 I'd love to see an all-male reboot of Ocean's 8. 1044 00:41:31,750 --> 00:41:32,880 - That would be nice. - Yeah. 1045 00:41:32,958 --> 00:41:34,708 There... It exists already. 1046 00:41:34,875 --> 00:41:35,875 Couple of them. 1047 00:41:35,917 --> 00:41:38,667 Couple of what? Male versions of the female Ocean's 8? 1048 00:41:38,750 --> 00:41:40,210 Ocean's 8 was a reboot of a male... 1049 00:41:40,292 --> 00:41:42,059 Next thing you're gonna tell me there's a male Ghostbusters. 1050 00:41:42,083 --> 00:41:43,083 There is. 1051 00:41:44,250 --> 00:41:45,960 - It's with, um... - Leslie Jones. 1052 00:41:46,042 --> 00:41:47,042 No. 1053 00:41:50,917 --> 00:41:53,247 You got famous for peeing from a zip line. 1054 00:41:53,333 --> 00:41:54,463 What's your next project? 1055 00:41:54,542 --> 00:41:55,922 Queefing on a ski lift? 1056 00:41:56,333 --> 00:41:58,133 No, I already queefed on a podcast. 1057 00:41:58,208 --> 00:42:00,168 Is that how you got your nickname, Queef Latifah? 1058 00:42:00,583 --> 00:42:01,463 Possibly. 1059 00:42:01,542 --> 00:42:04,172 Do you ever wish people would stop calling you a female comedian? 1060 00:42:04,625 --> 00:42:05,625 Yeah. 1061 00:42:05,667 --> 00:42:07,987 Don't you think they should just call you a black comedian? 1062 00:42:08,583 --> 00:42:10,833 It's better than them calling me a male comedian. 1063 00:42:11,292 --> 00:42:13,002 You were raised in the foster care system, 1064 00:42:13,083 --> 00:42:15,543 which brings us to our sponsor, Foster's beer. 1065 00:42:15,875 --> 00:42:17,495 Can you look at this camera right here 1066 00:42:17,583 --> 00:42:19,003 and say, 1067 00:42:19,125 --> 00:42:20,393 [with Australian accent] "Foster beer, 1068 00:42:20,417 --> 00:42:22,287 the best beer for foster kids." 1069 00:42:22,375 --> 00:42:23,375 I'm not doing that. 1070 00:42:23,583 --> 00:42:24,583 No. 1071 00:42:25,167 --> 00:42:26,207 [giggling] 1072 00:42:28,208 --> 00:42:32,128 [band playing melancholy country-folk] 1073 00:42:35,250 --> 00:42:41,580 ♪ The things you said are Hanging in the middle of my mind ♪ 1074 00:42:44,458 --> 00:42:47,328 Hey, can I just take a second? I wanted to, um... 1075 00:42:49,250 --> 00:42:50,580 I just want to thank you guys 1076 00:42:51,333 --> 00:42:53,333 for going on this venture with me, and, uh... 1077 00:42:53,833 --> 00:42:55,293 this has been a dream of mine. 1078 00:42:55,750 --> 00:42:57,290 As a kid, I realized that people 1079 00:42:57,375 --> 00:42:59,625 love to point and laugh and look at me. 1080 00:43:01,042 --> 00:43:02,132 And I knew then... 1081 00:43:03,167 --> 00:43:04,457 I have the It Factor. 1082 00:43:05,875 --> 00:43:09,325 So, I just wanted to thank you guys for helping me capitalize on that. 1083 00:43:09,958 --> 00:43:10,958 [Cam] Hey, I want to say, 1084 00:43:11,333 --> 00:43:13,133 when we first started on this whole trip, 1085 00:43:13,208 --> 00:43:15,668 I found you to be annoying and hard to be around, 1086 00:43:16,500 --> 00:43:17,750 and that hasn't changed. 1087 00:43:18,958 --> 00:43:20,328 I'm kidding! [laughs] 1088 00:43:20,417 --> 00:43:21,247 Ha! 1089 00:43:21,333 --> 00:43:22,684 - Yeah, I know! Yeah. - That's why it's funny, 1090 00:43:22,708 --> 00:43:24,458 'cause it has changed. I actually, 1091 00:43:24,917 --> 00:43:26,077 you know, I think... 1092 00:43:26,667 --> 00:43:28,207 I don't know, I kinda... 1093 00:43:28,292 --> 00:43:29,172 I like you. 1094 00:43:29,250 --> 00:43:30,790 - Wow. - Well... 1095 00:43:31,458 --> 00:43:32,498 thank you, Cam. 1096 00:43:32,583 --> 00:43:33,583 You're welcome. 1097 00:43:33,625 --> 00:43:36,165 [Carol] Well, I'd like to say a little something, too. 1098 00:43:36,250 --> 00:43:38,710 Ever since my dad shot my mom and then killed himself, 1099 00:43:38,792 --> 00:43:40,292 I felt kind of... 1100 00:43:40,583 --> 00:43:41,423 unmoored, 1101 00:43:41,500 --> 00:43:43,790 but you've made me really feel stable and needed. 1102 00:43:43,875 --> 00:43:45,325 - So, thank you so much. - What? 1103 00:43:45,750 --> 00:43:49,290 Oh, yeah, my dad killed my mom then killed himself, 'cause... 1104 00:43:49,375 --> 00:43:51,455 - When... when did that happen? - A while ago. 1105 00:43:51,625 --> 00:43:52,625 Like, a month. 1106 00:43:53,375 --> 00:43:56,035 You didn't take any time off of work, you didn't say anything? 1107 00:43:56,125 --> 00:43:57,125 I'm fine. 1108 00:43:58,625 --> 00:43:59,535 I'd like to do a toast, 1109 00:43:59,625 --> 00:44:00,726 - if that's possible? - [Cam] Yeah. 1110 00:44:00,750 --> 00:44:01,830 - Yeah. - Let's do a toast. 1111 00:44:01,917 --> 00:44:02,917 Okay. 1112 00:44:03,583 --> 00:44:05,253 Here's to the crazy ones, 1113 00:44:06,167 --> 00:44:07,167 the misfits, 1114 00:44:07,667 --> 00:44:08,667 maniacs, 1115 00:44:09,000 --> 00:44:10,000 to the loonies, 1116 00:44:10,542 --> 00:44:11,542 and ding-dongs. 1117 00:44:12,375 --> 00:44:14,415 And some people would say that we're the crazy ones, 1118 00:44:14,958 --> 00:44:15,958 but I think... 1119 00:44:16,500 --> 00:44:17,580 we're geniuses, 1120 00:44:18,208 --> 00:44:19,328 because we're... 1121 00:44:19,875 --> 00:44:20,915 crazy enough 1122 00:44:23,125 --> 00:44:25,495 to try to change this ding-dong crazy world. 1123 00:44:26,792 --> 00:44:27,632 Cheers. 1124 00:44:27,708 --> 00:44:29,498 That was a great speech. 1125 00:44:30,333 --> 00:44:32,253 Would you like to, uh, dance? 1126 00:44:32,333 --> 00:44:33,173 [titters] 1127 00:44:33,250 --> 00:44:34,250 With me, though. 1128 00:44:34,583 --> 00:44:35,583 - Yes. Okay. - Okay. 1129 00:44:37,208 --> 00:44:42,288 ♪ I think about you Walking on a street ♪ 1130 00:44:42,375 --> 00:44:43,495 You wanna dance? 1131 00:44:43,583 --> 00:44:44,633 I wanna dance alone. 1132 00:44:44,708 --> 00:44:49,498 ♪ It always brings me back here ♪ 1133 00:44:50,167 --> 00:44:51,957 [all] Come on, Cam! 1134 00:44:52,208 --> 00:44:53,378 Come on. 1135 00:44:54,458 --> 00:44:56,708 ♪ By the hand ♪ 1136 00:44:57,250 --> 00:45:02,630 ♪ Anyone who knows what love is Will understand ♪ 1137 00:45:03,625 --> 00:45:07,375 ♪ You've always had me ♪ 1138 00:45:09,208 --> 00:45:11,628 ♪ Walking on a string ♪ 1139 00:45:12,583 --> 00:45:13,583 [clerk] Hello. 1140 00:45:14,125 --> 00:45:14,955 Hi. 1141 00:45:15,042 --> 00:45:16,082 Room 203. 1142 00:45:16,167 --> 00:45:18,497 There should be some... several rooms under that. 1143 00:45:18,583 --> 00:45:20,333 Yes, here's your receipt. 1144 00:45:21,458 --> 00:45:23,038 I hope you enjoyed your stay. 1145 00:45:23,500 --> 00:45:24,500 Very much. 1146 00:45:25,542 --> 00:45:26,832 What are all these charges? 1147 00:45:26,917 --> 00:45:27,997 It's itemized, sir. 1148 00:45:28,542 --> 00:45:31,172 I just, I didn't realize when you take out the, um, 1149 00:45:32,000 --> 00:45:35,750 the crackers in the snack drawer that they charge you for it or the drinks. 1150 00:45:35,833 --> 00:45:36,883 You didn't realize that? 1151 00:45:36,958 --> 00:45:39,726 Well, I didn't know, like, even if you put it back, you're still charged. 1152 00:45:39,750 --> 00:45:42,880 If you eat it or drink it, yes. 1153 00:45:42,958 --> 00:45:44,288 Did you eat the stuff, too? 1154 00:45:44,375 --> 00:45:45,875 I moved it and then I ate it, yeah. 1155 00:45:46,042 --> 00:45:49,002 But, just 'cause I move it I shouldn't be charged. 1156 00:45:49,083 --> 00:45:50,793 What are these? Those look like... 1157 00:45:51,292 --> 00:45:52,462 I rented one movie. 1158 00:45:53,125 --> 00:45:54,125 Big deal. 1159 00:45:55,333 --> 00:45:56,333 Is that porn? 1160 00:45:57,083 --> 00:45:59,503 I thought it was Analyze This, but it was Anal-yze This. 1161 00:46:00,125 --> 00:46:02,018 They didn't even have to change the spelling of it. 1162 00:46:02,042 --> 00:46:04,672 You rented Anal-yze This several times in a row. 1163 00:46:04,750 --> 00:46:07,710 I kept hitting it 'cause I was, "Well, maybe Analyze This will come..." 1164 00:46:07,833 --> 00:46:09,503 The point being is... 1165 00:46:09,625 --> 00:46:12,225 You should see the guy they had playing Billy Crystal, by the way. 1166 00:46:13,542 --> 00:46:15,726 - I'm not paying for this. - You've already paid for it. 1167 00:46:15,750 --> 00:46:16,960 This is just your receipt. 1168 00:46:17,833 --> 00:46:20,213 But, I'm saying I'm not paying for it... again. 1169 00:46:25,708 --> 00:46:27,538 - [Boom Boom] I'm hungry. - I'm starving. 1170 00:46:27,625 --> 00:46:28,535 I'm so hungry. 1171 00:46:28,625 --> 00:46:30,705 You guys wanna do a family-style type thing? 1172 00:46:31,792 --> 00:46:34,042 No, I think we each wanted to get our own thing. 1173 00:46:34,125 --> 00:46:35,035 - I was... - [waiter] Hey, gang. 1174 00:46:35,125 --> 00:46:37,125 Did you get a chance to look at the menus here? 1175 00:46:37,208 --> 00:46:38,248 I'll take a grape juice... 1176 00:46:38,333 --> 00:46:41,003 Uh, no, we'll have, uh, four waters for the table. 1177 00:46:41,083 --> 00:46:41,923 No grape juice. 1178 00:46:42,000 --> 00:46:43,380 Can I get an orange soda? 1179 00:46:43,458 --> 00:46:44,643 - Okay, orange... - We'll split. 1180 00:46:44,667 --> 00:46:46,147 Maybe we can split a soda three ways. 1181 00:46:46,208 --> 00:46:48,038 Can you do one soda with two extra cups, 1182 00:46:48,125 --> 00:46:51,285 but just charge us once, and then put the other two, just put refills in it? 1183 00:46:51,375 --> 00:46:52,495 It just has to be... 1184 00:46:52,708 --> 00:46:54,748 one cup you all share. 1185 00:46:55,042 --> 00:46:57,042 I can bring four straws? 1186 00:46:57,167 --> 00:46:58,377 [Chloe] Sweet. Cool. 1187 00:46:58,458 --> 00:47:00,378 How many clam strips come in an order? 1188 00:47:00,458 --> 00:47:01,498 Six. 1189 00:47:01,583 --> 00:47:04,333 - How big are they? - Well, have you ever seen a chicken strip? 1190 00:47:05,042 --> 00:47:06,922 I've never seen a chicken wear clothes. 1191 00:47:08,375 --> 00:47:10,875 No, I mean like baked into a strip, not... 1192 00:47:12,542 --> 00:47:13,792 - You bake them? - That's fine. 1193 00:47:13,875 --> 00:47:17,285 One is good. Look, we'll get an order of the clam strips and a scoop of tuna. 1194 00:47:17,542 --> 00:47:19,172 And can I get a, uh... 1195 00:47:19,250 --> 00:47:20,580 mug of hot water, please? 1196 00:47:24,125 --> 00:47:25,575 [Zach] What were you saying earlier 1197 00:47:25,667 --> 00:47:28,627 about your buddy Martin Freeman being the only good part of Black Panther? 1198 00:47:28,708 --> 00:47:29,538 What? 1199 00:47:29,625 --> 00:47:31,825 It's just a weird thing to say to someone you just met. 1200 00:47:32,250 --> 00:47:33,670 - But I didn't say that. - Ready? 1201 00:47:34,042 --> 00:47:36,962 Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns. 1202 00:47:37,042 --> 00:47:39,252 I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis, and... 1203 00:47:39,708 --> 00:47:41,418 my guest today is 1204 00:47:41,500 --> 00:47:43,750 Benedick Cumberbut... Batch. 1205 00:47:44,417 --> 00:47:46,627 Benedick, Benedick Cumberbat... Bun. 1206 00:47:47,083 --> 00:47:48,083 Cam... 1207 00:47:48,667 --> 00:47:49,707 Benedick Cam... 1208 00:47:50,458 --> 00:47:51,458 Benefit Lumberjacks. 1209 00:47:51,542 --> 00:47:52,672 Ju... Uh, Bit... 1210 00:47:52,833 --> 00:47:53,934 - Uh, Benedict... - Cumberdit... 1211 00:47:53,958 --> 00:47:55,128 Cumberba... Uh... 1212 00:47:55,750 --> 00:47:57,170 Benedict Cumberbatch. 1213 00:47:57,375 --> 00:47:58,705 - That's what it is. - Yeah. 1214 00:47:59,042 --> 00:48:01,422 You once said you're your own worst critic. 1215 00:48:02,333 --> 00:48:04,173 So, you haven't read any of your reviews? 1216 00:48:04,250 --> 00:48:05,250 No, no, I try not to. 1217 00:48:05,333 --> 00:48:06,976 Has there ever been anything negative written about... 1218 00:48:07,000 --> 00:48:08,000 Oh, yeah. 1219 00:48:08,583 --> 00:48:10,253 A horse-faced, wooden... 1220 00:48:10,667 --> 00:48:12,518 - I see that, now you say that. - ...oddly-named. 1221 00:48:12,542 --> 00:48:14,172 - That I do see. - Yeah. 1222 00:48:14,583 --> 00:48:17,213 You got your start doing theater and independent films. 1223 00:48:17,292 --> 00:48:18,292 I did. 1224 00:48:18,333 --> 00:48:20,213 And now you're acting in Marvel movies. 1225 00:48:20,292 --> 00:48:22,042 How good does it feel to sell-out? 1226 00:48:24,042 --> 00:48:25,502 Uh, I don't think it's a sell-out. 1227 00:48:25,583 --> 00:48:27,293 I think they're pretty cool films. 1228 00:48:27,375 --> 00:48:29,625 There's a lot for an actor to do in them. So... 1229 00:48:29,708 --> 00:48:30,708 You wear a cape? 1230 00:48:30,917 --> 00:48:31,997 No, I wear a cloak. 1231 00:48:35,292 --> 00:48:38,962 Do you think you play smart characters like Sherlock Holmes because you have... 1232 00:48:39,250 --> 00:48:41,630 you have one of these, you know, these faces... 1233 00:48:41,708 --> 00:48:44,628 Can we... Is there a... Let's just get a close-up here. 1234 00:48:44,708 --> 00:48:46,378 It's a face that could go either way. 1235 00:48:46,625 --> 00:48:48,995 It can use inductive reasoning to solve mysteries, 1236 00:48:49,083 --> 00:48:50,713 or it's the type of face that... 1237 00:48:51,083 --> 00:48:53,043 masturbates all day wearing a helmet. 1238 00:48:53,875 --> 00:48:55,035 See, it's a fine line. 1239 00:48:57,042 --> 00:48:59,252 You played Vincent van Gogh in a movie. 1240 00:48:59,333 --> 00:49:00,633 I did, yes. 1241 00:49:01,125 --> 00:49:03,325 This is Vincent van Gogh answering his cell phone. 1242 00:49:04,292 --> 00:49:05,292 Hello... [sighs] 1243 00:49:05,625 --> 00:49:06,625 Hello? 1244 00:49:07,750 --> 00:49:08,750 It's hilarious. 1245 00:49:09,292 --> 00:49:10,712 If you didn't have an accent, 1246 00:49:10,792 --> 00:49:13,792 do you think people would be able to tell that you're not a very good actor? 1247 00:49:14,083 --> 00:49:16,583 Yeah, no, I think my accent probably does help, that's true. 1248 00:49:16,667 --> 00:49:17,957 Can you do an American accent? 1249 00:49:18,792 --> 00:49:19,632 Yes, I can. 1250 00:49:19,750 --> 00:49:20,830 Um... 1251 00:49:21,125 --> 00:49:22,665 okay, maybe I'll give you a few words? 1252 00:49:22,750 --> 00:49:23,580 Sure. 1253 00:49:23,667 --> 00:49:26,417 That's a nice bicycle you have there, my young son. 1254 00:49:29,125 --> 00:49:32,285 [with American accent] Well, that's a nice bicycle you have there, my young son. 1255 00:49:33,208 --> 00:49:35,958 - Pervert. Get away from me. - Pervert. Get away from me. 1256 00:49:36,042 --> 00:49:38,202 - No, that's me responding. - No, that's me responding. 1257 00:49:40,458 --> 00:49:42,458 - You have a rabid fan base, and it's... - A what? 1258 00:49:42,542 --> 00:49:44,862 - You have a rabid... - I thought you said "rabbit." Sorry. 1259 00:49:46,250 --> 00:49:47,290 Why... I said rabid. 1260 00:49:47,375 --> 00:49:48,495 It's vowels with you, 1261 00:49:48,583 --> 00:49:50,673 so I can't sometimes understand what you're saying. 1262 00:49:50,750 --> 00:49:53,170 All right, I'll say "rabbit." You have a "rabbit" fan base. 1263 00:49:53,250 --> 00:49:54,559 - That what you want? - No, just "d", "d". 1264 00:49:54,583 --> 00:49:56,883 You have a fan base full of rabbits. 1265 00:49:56,958 --> 00:49:57,958 [annunciating] Rabid. 1266 00:49:58,667 --> 00:50:00,827 Do they fuck a lot while they come see your plays? 1267 00:50:00,917 --> 00:50:03,417 Are the rabbits always having sex in the audience, 1268 00:50:03,500 --> 00:50:04,500 - while... - Unbelievable. 1269 00:50:04,583 --> 00:50:06,793 Are you good friends with the Easter Bunny? 1270 00:50:07,125 --> 00:50:08,575 Do you know Bugs? 1271 00:50:11,208 --> 00:50:12,208 [sighs] 1272 00:50:17,417 --> 00:50:19,127 Everything, uh, everything good? 1273 00:50:19,208 --> 00:50:21,458 You got kinda heated in there with... 1274 00:50:21,542 --> 00:50:24,132 with Cumber... Cumercleat... Cumbercleatch. 1275 00:50:24,208 --> 00:50:26,078 It's Dickerflick Cabbagepatch. 1276 00:50:26,167 --> 00:50:28,287 I just... Look, I...[exhales deeply] 1277 00:50:29,042 --> 00:50:31,962 I don't wanna put this on you guys, but, uh... 1278 00:50:32,417 --> 00:50:33,707 we're in a little bit of a... 1279 00:50:34,333 --> 00:50:37,253 budget situation, we're strapped for cash right now. 1280 00:50:37,333 --> 00:50:39,753 That's okay, you can just call Will Ferrell. 1281 00:50:39,833 --> 00:50:41,143 - Oh, yeah. - He can send more money. 1282 00:50:41,167 --> 00:50:42,167 I'll call him right now. 1283 00:50:42,458 --> 00:50:43,893 - Don't do... - How do you spell Ferrell? 1284 00:50:43,917 --> 00:50:44,917 Don't do that. 1285 00:50:45,875 --> 00:50:49,075 When I said that he was bankrolling this project, 1286 00:50:49,167 --> 00:50:50,167 I meant... 1287 00:50:50,333 --> 00:50:53,133 I meant he was bankrolling it in the future tense. 1288 00:50:53,708 --> 00:50:54,708 What? 1289 00:50:54,792 --> 00:50:56,632 He didn't give us any money upfront, 1290 00:50:56,708 --> 00:50:58,168 and we're running low. 1291 00:50:58,750 --> 00:51:00,040 So, you lied about Will Ferrell? 1292 00:51:00,125 --> 00:51:01,125 Oh, that's great. 1293 00:51:01,167 --> 00:51:04,287 Let me guess, he never actually said that we could be a part of the show? 1294 00:51:04,375 --> 00:51:05,825 Did you lie about that, too? 1295 00:51:05,917 --> 00:51:08,377 As soon as we get to Los Angeles, everything will be fine. 1296 00:51:08,458 --> 00:51:09,918 I'm not gonna leave you guys behind. 1297 00:51:10,958 --> 00:51:11,958 We're friends. 1298 00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:13,000 Oh, are we? 1299 00:51:13,417 --> 00:51:15,667 Are we? Or are we just a bunch of dumb shits 1300 00:51:16,125 --> 00:51:18,625 that you tricked into doing unpaid labor for you? 1301 00:51:18,708 --> 00:51:19,708 Come on. Come on. 1302 00:51:24,583 --> 00:51:25,583 [Zach] Carol... 1303 00:51:40,375 --> 00:51:42,035 - Hi, Norma! - [woman] Hi, Tessa! 1304 00:51:42,125 --> 00:51:44,268 What are you doing out here in the middle of nowhere anyway? 1305 00:51:44,292 --> 00:51:46,582 I'm researching for a film that I'm doing next. 1306 00:51:46,667 --> 00:51:47,667 What kind of research? 1307 00:51:47,750 --> 00:51:50,380 I'm just learning how to be a boring person. 1308 00:51:50,458 --> 00:51:51,498 Oh, really? 1309 00:51:51,625 --> 00:51:53,455 My guest today is... 1310 00:51:54,042 --> 00:51:55,332 Tesla Thompson. 1311 00:51:55,458 --> 00:51:56,768 - Tesla? Tesla Thompson? - [Carol] Tessa. 1312 00:51:56,792 --> 00:51:58,792 No, Tes... Yeah, just Tessa. 1313 00:51:58,875 --> 00:51:59,875 Like the car. 1314 00:51:59,917 --> 00:52:01,476 - [Tessa] No, no, unlike the car. - Tesla, like the car? 1315 00:52:01,500 --> 00:52:03,393 - Like, if you take the "L" out of it. - But, it says, 1316 00:52:03,417 --> 00:52:04,417 "Tessa... 1317 00:52:04,542 --> 00:52:06,502 parenthetically, like the car." 1318 00:52:06,583 --> 00:52:08,434 [Tessa] But, you don't say it like you say the car. 1319 00:52:08,458 --> 00:52:09,828 'Cause then that's not my name. 1320 00:52:09,917 --> 00:52:11,127 I drive a Tessa. 1321 00:52:11,625 --> 00:52:12,625 You were in Creed. 1322 00:52:12,667 --> 00:52:13,667 Mm-hmm. 1323 00:52:13,708 --> 00:52:15,128 What's Scott Stapp like? 1324 00:52:15,208 --> 00:52:17,128 - Who? - The singer in your band. 1325 00:52:17,958 --> 00:52:19,708 Were you in Cr... It says you were in Creed. 1326 00:52:19,792 --> 00:52:21,252 No, the movie, not the band. 1327 00:52:21,958 --> 00:52:23,578 Oh. Well, what's Scott Stapp like? 1328 00:52:24,542 --> 00:52:27,582 I never... I didn't... We didn't meet 'cause I'm... 1329 00:52:27,958 --> 00:52:29,418 They weren't involved in the movie. 1330 00:52:30,500 --> 00:52:32,330 But, would you like to meet him one day? 1331 00:52:32,958 --> 00:52:34,078 I mean, yeah, sure, 1332 00:52:34,167 --> 00:52:37,707 if the opportunity presented itself and I didn't have to drive anywhere, yeah. 1333 00:52:38,292 --> 00:52:41,082 Women are always being told to watch their weight in Hollywood. 1334 00:52:41,167 --> 00:52:44,827 So, why do you think so many actresses could still stand to lose a few pounds? 1335 00:52:45,250 --> 00:52:46,710 I mean, you look at Hollywood 1336 00:52:46,792 --> 00:52:48,792 and all the men that get to age gracefully. 1337 00:52:48,875 --> 00:52:52,075 It looks like they haven't been to a gym, 1338 00:52:52,167 --> 00:52:54,037 they get to come in disheveled, 1339 00:52:54,125 --> 00:52:55,955 and they look like they need to shower, 1340 00:52:56,042 --> 00:52:58,332 and they're wearing just, like, some blazer, 1341 00:52:58,417 --> 00:53:00,627 and be told that they just look distinguished, 1342 00:53:00,708 --> 00:53:01,918 but really they just look... 1343 00:53:02,667 --> 00:53:04,077 pretty disgusting, so... 1344 00:53:04,458 --> 00:53:05,708 Yeah, I hear you. 1345 00:53:05,917 --> 00:53:07,268 That's... that's gotta be frustrating. 1346 00:53:07,292 --> 00:53:08,292 Yeah. 1347 00:53:11,458 --> 00:53:14,788 - [Carol] So this like a shortcut? - [Boom Boom] Where are we going? 1348 00:53:14,875 --> 00:53:16,893 [Zach] I don't know if this is where you check in, or... 1349 00:53:16,917 --> 00:53:17,747 [Cam] Now what? 1350 00:53:17,875 --> 00:53:20,355 - [Carol] What do you mean? - [Zach] We'll see what's going on. 1351 00:53:26,542 --> 00:53:28,184 - [Carol] This looks weird. - [Cam] Where are we? 1352 00:53:28,208 --> 00:53:29,578 This where we're staying tonight. 1353 00:53:30,125 --> 00:53:32,375 You said we were staying at the Four Seasons. 1354 00:53:33,125 --> 00:53:37,495 I said that we were staying at a place that was closed for three of the seasons. 1355 00:53:37,583 --> 00:53:38,893 Oh, Jesus Christ. We're supposed to believe that? 1356 00:53:38,917 --> 00:53:40,393 That's exactly what I said and for you guys 1357 00:53:40,417 --> 00:53:42,097 to run your mouths like it was something... 1358 00:53:42,125 --> 00:53:44,625 You are a liar and you have deceived us. 1359 00:53:44,708 --> 00:53:46,708 Yes, it's an abandoned campground, 1360 00:53:46,792 --> 00:53:49,332 but let's just stay here for the night and have some fun. 1361 00:53:51,000 --> 00:53:53,250 He's crazy. He's literally losing it. 1362 00:53:53,333 --> 00:53:54,809 [Boom Boom] He's under a lot of stress. 1363 00:53:54,833 --> 00:53:57,083 But, we only have one more episode to go. 1364 00:53:57,167 --> 00:53:58,407 Hey, Zach found a fishing pole, 1365 00:53:58,458 --> 00:54:00,698 so we're gonna go on the lake and try to catch something. 1366 00:54:05,625 --> 00:54:07,325 [Zach] Let me put the hot dog on it. 1367 00:54:07,875 --> 00:54:09,165 - You have a hot dog? - Yeah. 1368 00:54:09,792 --> 00:54:10,792 We could've eaten that. 1369 00:54:10,833 --> 00:54:11,833 You want a piece? 1370 00:54:11,875 --> 00:54:13,893 - No, I don't wanna a piece. - I can give you that one. 1371 00:54:13,917 --> 00:54:15,327 It's been in your pocket all day. 1372 00:54:15,417 --> 00:54:17,417 It's only two days old, it's fine. Hot dogs keep. 1373 00:54:17,500 --> 00:54:19,250 - Use it. - Fine. 1374 00:54:19,750 --> 00:54:20,750 [reel clicks] 1375 00:54:22,500 --> 00:54:23,580 Just give me a second. 1376 00:54:26,125 --> 00:54:27,915 [reel clicks, hook splashes] 1377 00:54:28,833 --> 00:54:29,833 You get caught? 1378 00:54:30,458 --> 00:54:31,998 - You gotta get it... - God Almighty! 1379 00:54:32,083 --> 00:54:33,083 [thumping] 1380 00:54:33,375 --> 00:54:34,825 - Hey. - [Zach sighing heavily] 1381 00:54:37,208 --> 00:54:38,208 What's going on? 1382 00:54:38,708 --> 00:54:39,578 I just feel like... 1383 00:54:39,667 --> 00:54:40,667 [stammering] 1384 00:54:40,750 --> 00:54:41,790 What are we doing? 1385 00:54:42,542 --> 00:54:46,252 I... I'm fishing on a giant goose looking for food. 1386 00:54:46,875 --> 00:54:47,995 You got this. 1387 00:54:48,500 --> 00:54:50,500 You're gonna catch us fish for dinner, 1388 00:54:50,583 --> 00:54:52,583 we're all going to eat like kings tonight. 1389 00:54:53,292 --> 00:54:56,212 And you're gonna make a TV show that's going to change the entire world. 1390 00:54:57,000 --> 00:54:58,000 Okay? 1391 00:54:58,583 --> 00:54:59,583 I believe in you. 1392 00:55:00,250 --> 00:55:02,420 You can't just give up when someone believes in you. 1393 00:55:06,042 --> 00:55:07,042 [exhales] 1394 00:55:07,333 --> 00:55:09,693 I don't know what I'd do without you, Carol, I really don't. 1395 00:55:14,208 --> 00:55:16,498 If you could do anything with your life, what would it be? 1396 00:55:17,458 --> 00:55:18,458 Forget me, 1397 00:55:18,833 --> 00:55:20,003 forget the cable access. 1398 00:55:20,083 --> 00:55:21,083 What would you do? 1399 00:55:21,458 --> 00:55:23,828 Once upon a time, I thought about being a trumpet player. 1400 00:55:25,833 --> 00:55:28,383 That was right before we left on this trip. I bought a trumpet. 1401 00:55:32,292 --> 00:55:33,792 - That was in your purse? - Yeah. 1402 00:55:34,208 --> 00:55:36,288 Just in case I ever get the guts to give it a toot. 1403 00:55:37,333 --> 00:55:38,673 Well, what are you afraid of? 1404 00:55:40,125 --> 00:55:41,705 I'm scared I might be too good at it, 1405 00:55:42,292 --> 00:55:43,372 and I'll have to leave you. 1406 00:55:44,042 --> 00:55:45,212 Well, then you become... 1407 00:55:46,042 --> 00:55:48,752 a famous trumpeter and you leave me behind. It's okay. 1408 00:55:49,167 --> 00:55:50,917 If you wanna play the trumpet, go ahead. 1409 00:55:51,542 --> 00:55:53,462 Lip up. Give that thing a toot. 1410 00:55:54,333 --> 00:55:55,333 Okay. 1411 00:55:55,875 --> 00:55:56,875 [laughing] Okay! 1412 00:55:58,833 --> 00:56:00,713 I watched a ton of videos on how to do it. 1413 00:56:03,042 --> 00:56:07,082 [playing trumpet off-key] 1414 00:56:14,583 --> 00:56:16,633 [trumpet sputtering] 1415 00:56:19,917 --> 00:56:20,747 It's a good start. 1416 00:56:20,833 --> 00:56:22,043 You play that trumpet. 1417 00:56:22,667 --> 00:56:24,037 I'm gonna catch us some fish. 1418 00:56:26,958 --> 00:56:29,748 [trumpet continues off-key] 1419 00:56:36,708 --> 00:56:39,248 Okay, everybody. Can everybody gather round, please? 1420 00:56:39,625 --> 00:56:40,625 Gather round. 1421 00:56:40,958 --> 00:56:41,958 All right. 1422 00:56:42,042 --> 00:56:43,832 So, we're at Peter Dinklage's house. 1423 00:56:44,000 --> 00:56:46,790 This is our last interview. Obviously, he's as rich as Croesus. 1424 00:56:47,458 --> 00:56:48,458 I have a plan. 1425 00:56:49,000 --> 00:56:51,290 Carol, he's going to be distracted during the interview. 1426 00:56:51,833 --> 00:56:54,003 I need you to steal some of his stuff. 1427 00:56:54,583 --> 00:56:55,923 - What? - What? No! 1428 00:56:56,000 --> 00:56:57,601 - We're not stealing! - You can't do that. No. 1429 00:56:57,625 --> 00:57:00,455 I know... Not a lot of stuff, just enough stuff so I can sell it later, 1430 00:57:00,542 --> 00:57:01,422 so we have some dough. 1431 00:57:01,500 --> 00:57:04,018 - I don't feel comfortable with that. - [Boom Boom] You don't have to do that. 1432 00:57:04,042 --> 00:57:05,132 Okay, I'll do it. 1433 00:57:05,792 --> 00:57:07,872 You have to work the camera. Plus, you're too stupid. 1434 00:57:08,833 --> 00:57:09,833 Carol, 1435 00:57:09,958 --> 00:57:11,328 if we don't get to Los Angeles... 1436 00:57:12,833 --> 00:57:14,253 our talk show dreams are over. 1437 00:57:16,708 --> 00:57:17,708 Please? 1438 00:57:19,000 --> 00:57:20,000 [sighing] 1439 00:57:20,333 --> 00:57:21,333 Okay. 1440 00:57:22,000 --> 00:57:23,920 Let's steal Peter Dinklage's stuff. 1441 00:57:24,583 --> 00:57:25,713 - [Zach] Okay. - Yeah. 1442 00:57:25,792 --> 00:57:26,792 Okay! 1443 00:57:27,208 --> 00:57:28,628 Game faces! Let's go. 1444 00:57:29,125 --> 00:57:30,995 All right. I'll get the ferns. 1445 00:57:37,750 --> 00:57:39,000 Hey, yeah, 1446 00:57:39,292 --> 00:57:41,172 the Ferns peoples. 1447 00:57:41,542 --> 00:57:42,542 Come on. 1448 00:57:45,167 --> 00:57:46,377 Come on, don't be shy. 1449 00:57:47,792 --> 00:57:49,212 Late one last night. 1450 00:57:49,750 --> 00:57:50,750 [Carol] Oh, wow. 1451 00:57:51,333 --> 00:57:52,503 What a fancy house. 1452 00:57:52,833 --> 00:57:54,963 Tell us about all of your expensive things. 1453 00:57:55,375 --> 00:57:56,875 [chuckles] All right. 1454 00:57:57,667 --> 00:57:59,377 I was just about to anyway. 1455 00:57:59,458 --> 00:58:01,578 You're noticing my Warhol, I see. 1456 00:58:02,250 --> 00:58:03,250 [Zach] Wow. 1457 00:58:03,292 --> 00:58:04,462 Must be really expensive. 1458 00:58:04,542 --> 00:58:07,962 Oh, about 250K. Got that for a steal. 1459 00:58:08,042 --> 00:58:09,632 Was LaCroix around back then? 1460 00:58:09,708 --> 00:58:10,708 [Peter] Yeah. 1461 00:58:10,917 --> 00:58:11,827 [with French accent] LaCroix! 1462 00:58:11,917 --> 00:58:14,377 Seems like it must be hard to get that off the wall. 1463 00:58:15,000 --> 00:58:16,000 Over here... 1464 00:58:19,000 --> 00:58:21,130 [Carol] Winds Of Winter by George R.R. Martin? 1465 00:58:21,583 --> 00:58:22,713 It's not even out yet! 1466 00:58:23,042 --> 00:58:25,282 I bet that would fetch a pretty penny on the open market. 1467 00:58:26,208 --> 00:58:27,208 Check this out. 1468 00:58:27,292 --> 00:58:28,292 [grunts] 1469 00:58:30,250 --> 00:58:31,880 Et voilà. [chuckles] 1470 00:58:32,917 --> 00:58:34,417 Are those Fabergé eggs? 1471 00:58:34,500 --> 00:58:35,830 Yes, they are indeed. 1472 00:58:35,917 --> 00:58:36,747 Wow. 1473 00:58:36,917 --> 00:58:39,207 You know what's the most amazing thing about this, though? 1474 00:58:39,583 --> 00:58:40,583 Uh... 1475 00:58:41,417 --> 00:58:42,627 Fabergé egg carton. 1476 00:58:43,083 --> 00:58:44,083 [Zach] Wow. 1477 00:58:44,375 --> 00:58:46,018 - Is that worth a lot of money? - [Peter] Oh... 1478 00:58:46,042 --> 00:58:47,462 - [Carol] Like, how much? - Oh... 1479 00:58:47,750 --> 00:58:49,540 You can't even think of a number that high. 1480 00:58:49,625 --> 00:58:50,665 Okay, great. 1481 00:58:51,167 --> 00:58:52,917 Thank you. We'll set up for the interview. 1482 00:58:53,000 --> 00:58:54,101 So, we're gonna do the interview? 1483 00:58:54,125 --> 00:58:55,125 Let's do it. 1484 00:59:00,167 --> 00:59:02,457 Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns. 1485 00:59:02,542 --> 00:59:04,632 I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis, 1486 00:59:04,708 --> 00:59:06,208 and my guest today... 1487 00:59:06,667 --> 00:59:08,167 is Peter Dinklage. 1488 00:59:09,000 --> 00:59:11,290 Thank you for joining me, Mr. Dinklage. 1489 00:59:11,583 --> 00:59:12,463 Mm-hmm. 1490 00:59:12,542 --> 00:59:13,542 Dinklage. 1491 00:59:14,208 --> 00:59:15,498 Is that an STD? 1492 00:59:16,500 --> 00:59:19,670 Uh, I think in German it's von Dincklage, but... 1493 00:59:20,000 --> 00:59:21,290 Why did you keep your real name? 1494 00:59:22,167 --> 00:59:23,747 I mean, if someone said to me, 1495 00:59:23,833 --> 00:59:28,213 "You have to start an acting career with the name Peter Dinkylage..." 1496 00:59:28,292 --> 00:59:30,672 I'm thinking of other choices I could've made right now. 1497 00:59:31,667 --> 00:59:33,497 Well, Galifianakis is a stage name. 1498 00:59:33,917 --> 00:59:34,827 What's your real name? 1499 00:59:34,917 --> 00:59:37,287 My real name is Chad Farthouse. 1500 00:59:38,417 --> 00:59:39,667 That doesn't sound right. 1501 00:59:39,750 --> 00:59:41,880 [Zach] There's a kid on the Disney Channel. 1502 00:59:42,208 --> 00:59:43,828 Uh, Chad... 1503 00:59:44,250 --> 00:59:45,080 Farthouse. 1504 00:59:45,167 --> 00:59:47,327 He's on one of... Wizards Of Waverly Place, 1505 00:59:47,792 --> 00:59:48,832 with that last name. 1506 00:59:49,167 --> 00:59:50,417 So, I had to change my name. 1507 00:59:52,500 --> 00:59:53,670 You're in X-Men, right? 1508 00:59:55,417 --> 00:59:56,997 You know who my favorite X-Man is? 1509 00:59:57,750 --> 00:59:58,750 Caitlyn Jenner. 1510 00:59:59,542 --> 01:00:01,422 And, by the way, that's not an offensive joke. 1511 01:00:01,792 --> 01:00:05,172 I'm honestly under the impression that she was in the X-Men movies. 1512 01:00:07,458 --> 01:00:08,998 You were in ALF, right? 1513 01:00:09,583 --> 01:00:10,583 Elf. 1514 01:00:11,500 --> 01:00:13,710 No, I mean, you were in ALF, the costume? 1515 01:00:14,458 --> 01:00:16,458 - Um, hey! - [Zach] Can I just... 1516 01:00:16,875 --> 01:00:17,875 Real quick, 1517 01:00:18,125 --> 01:00:19,434 and it's important you look at my face 1518 01:00:19,458 --> 01:00:21,378 'cause I think the sincerity in this question 1519 01:00:21,458 --> 01:00:22,878 is reading in my face. 1520 01:00:23,333 --> 01:00:26,003 Tell us about how fun it was to be in Pixels. 1521 01:00:26,125 --> 01:00:28,205 - Pixels, was that a fun challenge? - [eggs clanking] 1522 01:00:28,708 --> 01:00:29,538 Hey... 1523 01:00:29,625 --> 01:00:30,745 she's taking my eggs! 1524 01:00:30,833 --> 01:00:32,173 - Hey, wait! - Okay. Let's go! 1525 01:00:32,250 --> 01:00:34,040 - Hey! - [Zach] Let's go! Grab it! Go! 1526 01:00:34,125 --> 01:00:34,955 Grab what you can! 1527 01:00:35,042 --> 01:00:36,712 - Go! - What the heck are you doing? 1528 01:00:36,792 --> 01:00:39,032 - What are you doing? Those are my eggs! - [Zach] Go! Go! 1529 01:00:39,083 --> 01:00:40,601 - [all yelling] - [Peter] My precious eggs! 1530 01:00:40,625 --> 01:00:41,995 - No! - [tires squealing] 1531 01:00:42,167 --> 01:00:44,537 - [Zach] Loved you in Three Billboards! - [Peter] Shit! 1532 01:00:44,833 --> 01:00:47,003 Why didn't I get attack dogs? 1533 01:00:47,750 --> 01:00:48,750 Well, I... 1534 01:00:49,292 --> 01:00:51,292 still have $102 million dollars 1535 01:00:51,875 --> 01:00:54,035 in my savings account alone. Ah. 1536 01:00:54,750 --> 01:00:56,130 You'll be fine, Peter. 1537 01:00:56,333 --> 01:00:57,503 You're a survivor. 1538 01:00:57,833 --> 01:00:59,003 You will survive. 1539 01:01:00,042 --> 01:01:02,212 [chatting indistinctly] 1540 01:01:03,167 --> 01:01:05,567 So, guys, got a little cash from selling Mr. Dinklage's eggs. 1541 01:01:05,875 --> 01:01:08,205 Now, all we have to do is get to Los Angeles by 9:00 a.m., 1542 01:01:08,375 --> 01:01:10,495 - and get this show to Mr. Will Ferrell. - Yes! 1543 01:01:10,583 --> 01:01:12,173 - [Boom Boom giggling] - [Carol] Get in! 1544 01:01:17,750 --> 01:01:22,630 ["Lonely Side" by the Harry Connick, Jr. Trio playing] 1545 01:01:34,042 --> 01:01:35,042 [lock clicks] 1546 01:01:47,542 --> 01:01:48,632 [phone chimes] 1547 01:01:57,542 --> 01:01:58,542 What's this? 1548 01:02:00,708 --> 01:02:01,708 God. 1549 01:02:02,625 --> 01:02:03,875 Check my e-mail. 1550 01:02:15,375 --> 01:02:16,915 Password? Jesus. 1551 01:02:18,167 --> 01:02:19,167 Oh, it's "Jesus." 1552 01:02:22,000 --> 01:02:23,130 I always do that. 1553 01:02:30,292 --> 01:02:31,542 Oh, my God. 1554 01:02:32,708 --> 01:02:34,078 What happened to all my music? 1555 01:02:34,500 --> 01:02:37,250 - [truck horn honking] - [screaming] 1556 01:02:37,333 --> 01:02:38,673 Oh, God! 1557 01:02:38,750 --> 01:02:39,920 [tires screeching] 1558 01:02:43,500 --> 01:02:45,500 [hissing] 1559 01:02:52,167 --> 01:02:53,167 What happened? 1560 01:02:55,167 --> 01:02:56,037 Oh.. 1561 01:02:56,125 --> 01:02:57,125 God. 1562 01:02:59,333 --> 01:03:00,173 [Cam] Are you ki... 1563 01:03:00,250 --> 01:03:01,830 - How did this happen? - What the fuck? 1564 01:03:02,667 --> 01:03:03,917 We're fucked. 1565 01:03:04,708 --> 01:03:06,708 We're never gonna make it to Los Angeles now. 1566 01:03:06,792 --> 01:03:07,922 Where are my ferns? 1567 01:03:10,167 --> 01:03:11,167 Where are the fer... 1568 01:03:11,208 --> 01:03:12,208 [car horn honking] 1569 01:03:12,292 --> 01:03:13,292 Wait! 1570 01:03:13,417 --> 01:03:14,417 Hey! 1571 01:03:15,167 --> 01:03:16,417 [yelling] You animal! 1572 01:03:17,750 --> 01:03:18,750 My ferns! 1573 01:03:19,625 --> 01:03:20,625 My ferns! 1574 01:03:22,625 --> 01:03:23,665 They're ruined! 1575 01:03:25,625 --> 01:03:27,285 My ferns are ruined! 1576 01:03:27,458 --> 01:03:29,378 Zach, don't worry, we can get you new ferns. 1577 01:03:29,458 --> 01:03:32,038 What am I thinking? This is no way to get a talk show. 1578 01:03:32,542 --> 01:03:33,962 Driving around the country. 1579 01:03:34,042 --> 01:03:35,582 There's absolutely no way 1580 01:03:35,917 --> 01:03:37,787 we can make it to Los Angeles in time. 1581 01:03:37,875 --> 01:03:38,875 It's okay. 1582 01:03:38,917 --> 01:03:41,287 All we have to do is just walk the nearest town... 1583 01:03:41,375 --> 01:03:42,535 I'm no good for you guys. 1584 01:03:45,417 --> 01:03:46,417 So, get away from me. 1585 01:03:46,458 --> 01:03:48,708 It's over. I'm going back home. 1586 01:03:48,792 --> 01:03:50,082 Zach, you can't give up. 1587 01:03:50,583 --> 01:03:51,463 I need you. 1588 01:03:51,542 --> 01:03:53,672 Yeah? Well, I can't do it any more. 1589 01:03:56,125 --> 01:03:57,125 So, leave. 1590 01:04:00,500 --> 01:04:01,500 - Let's go. - Let's go. 1591 01:04:02,542 --> 01:04:03,542 We're going? 1592 01:04:08,375 --> 01:04:09,375 Are you sure? 1593 01:04:10,417 --> 01:04:11,997 [sobbing] 1594 01:04:16,917 --> 01:04:18,787 [thunder crashing] 1595 01:04:21,125 --> 01:04:23,665 ♪ The things you said are 1596 01:04:23,750 --> 01:04:29,920 ♪ Hanging in the middle of my mind Tonight ♪ 1597 01:04:31,292 --> 01:04:33,832 ♪ I can't turn them off ♪ 1598 01:04:34,583 --> 01:04:36,503 Okay, will you just stop filming, please? 1599 01:04:36,958 --> 01:04:38,708 [director] You told me to get everything. 1600 01:04:40,042 --> 01:04:42,382 All right, thank you. Please just turn the cam... 1601 01:04:44,042 --> 01:04:45,042 Stop! 1602 01:04:45,458 --> 01:04:48,668 ♪ Brings me back here ♪ 1603 01:04:50,375 --> 01:04:56,075 ♪ Into the garden by the hand ♪ 1604 01:04:56,708 --> 01:05:00,958 ♪ You've always had me ♪ 1605 01:05:02,167 --> 01:05:05,457 ♪ Walking on a string ♪ 1606 01:05:06,042 --> 01:05:07,502 [cheering on television] 1607 01:05:07,583 --> 01:05:08,633 What can I get you? 1608 01:05:08,917 --> 01:05:10,327 Can I have an orange juice, please. 1609 01:05:11,125 --> 01:05:13,184 [game show host] And, as you can see, Jim is still in the lead, 1610 01:05:13,208 --> 01:05:15,458 but we did have to deduct 250 points 1611 01:05:15,542 --> 01:05:18,542 because, during the break, our judges have ruled that Abraham Lincoln 1612 01:05:18,625 --> 01:05:19,455 There you go. 1613 01:05:19,542 --> 01:05:21,832 ...was the 16th President of the United States. 1614 01:05:22,083 --> 01:05:23,963 Tina, from Houston, Texas. 1615 01:05:24,458 --> 01:05:26,168 Texas, represent! 1616 01:05:26,250 --> 01:05:29,330 And you said you had a very special reason for being here on the show tonight? 1617 01:05:29,875 --> 01:05:31,995 It's 'cause I'd love to take my friends on a vacation. 1618 01:05:32,042 --> 01:05:35,082 They really deserve it and they mean everything to me. 1619 01:05:36,083 --> 01:05:38,753 And I would love to show them that I am not a failure, 1620 01:05:39,167 --> 01:05:41,207 and that I just appreciate them. 1621 01:05:41,583 --> 01:05:42,833 So you feel like a failure now? 1622 01:05:43,333 --> 01:05:44,383 Currently, yeah. 1623 01:05:44,458 --> 01:05:47,668 - But you wanna prove that you are not one? - And I think I can do it today. 1624 01:05:48,000 --> 01:05:50,710 Well, Tina, you are down by quite a bit, 1625 01:05:50,917 --> 01:05:53,417 but you still have a chance to catch up and win. 1626 01:05:53,625 --> 01:05:55,125 That's why we call this show... 1627 01:05:55,208 --> 01:05:58,418 Don't Give Up! [applause] 1628 01:05:58,500 --> 01:05:59,500 Don't give up. 1629 01:05:59,625 --> 01:06:02,325 ♪ Walking on a string ♪ 1630 01:06:04,625 --> 01:06:07,035 ♪ Can't escape it ♪ 1631 01:06:07,875 --> 01:06:08,875 [Zach yelling] Carol! 1632 01:06:12,208 --> 01:06:13,208 Carol! 1633 01:06:14,125 --> 01:06:15,165 - Carol! - [Carol] Zach! 1634 01:06:15,250 --> 01:06:17,130 - Oh, my God! Zach! - There you are. 1635 01:06:17,208 --> 01:06:19,038 [Carol exclaiming] 1636 01:06:20,083 --> 01:06:21,083 You were right. 1637 01:06:21,292 --> 01:06:22,462 I should never give up. 1638 01:06:22,708 --> 01:06:24,184 I just want to thank you for believing in me. 1639 01:06:24,208 --> 01:06:26,893 No! Everything's fine, we found a guy who's gonna take us to Los Angeles. 1640 01:06:26,917 --> 01:06:28,226 - He's gonna drive us. - Get in the car! 1641 01:06:28,250 --> 01:06:29,850 - Yeah? - [Cam] Let's go, get in the car! 1642 01:06:29,875 --> 01:06:31,535 We're doing it! We're doing it! 1643 01:06:46,000 --> 01:06:47,000 [Zach] Thanks, Chuck! 1644 01:06:47,250 --> 01:06:49,920 [Boom Boom] Go, go, go. Bye! Thank you! 1645 01:06:50,042 --> 01:06:50,882 [Carol yelps] 1646 01:06:50,958 --> 01:06:52,518 [Zach] Come on, come on, come on, come on. 1647 01:06:52,542 --> 01:06:53,542 [Carol groaning] 1648 01:06:54,458 --> 01:06:55,851 What time is it? Anybody know what time it is? 1649 01:06:55,875 --> 01:06:57,825 - No! - [Cam] Nobody wears a watch anymore. 1650 01:06:57,917 --> 01:06:58,827 - [Zach] Come on. - [elevator dings] 1651 01:06:58,917 --> 01:06:59,997 [Carol] Shit, go. 1652 01:07:00,750 --> 01:07:02,726 - [woman] Hey! You can't go in there. - [Zach] This way! This way! 1653 01:07:02,750 --> 01:07:04,790 Just burst in, just go, go, go! 1654 01:07:06,750 --> 01:07:09,960 [counter clicking] 1655 01:07:13,000 --> 01:07:14,000 Mr. Ferrell? 1656 01:07:16,250 --> 01:07:18,790 Mr. Ferrell, it's Zach Galifianakis, 1657 01:07:19,375 --> 01:07:20,745 from the internet show. 1658 01:07:20,833 --> 01:07:23,083 I've got those tapes that you wanted. 1659 01:07:24,333 --> 01:07:25,333 Hello? 1660 01:07:26,458 --> 01:07:27,578 [buzzing] 1661 01:07:27,667 --> 01:07:28,497 [spits] 1662 01:07:28,583 --> 01:07:30,213 - Jesus Christ! - [Carol gasping] 1663 01:07:30,542 --> 01:07:31,462 What is that? 1664 01:07:31,542 --> 01:07:33,082 - It's a teeth whitener. - [Zach] Oh. 1665 01:07:36,875 --> 01:07:37,875 [Will] Ah-ah-ah! 1666 01:07:38,792 --> 01:07:41,462 Gently place the bag on the floor and kick it over to me. 1667 01:07:42,458 --> 01:07:43,458 Slowly. 1668 01:07:44,792 --> 01:07:45,792 Slowly. 1669 01:07:47,750 --> 01:07:48,750 Gently. 1670 01:07:49,583 --> 01:07:50,583 Gently. 1671 01:07:52,042 --> 01:07:54,212 Now, kick it as hard as you can across the floor. 1672 01:07:56,250 --> 01:07:57,250 Keep kicking them. 1673 01:08:00,250 --> 01:08:02,250 That's as hard as you can kick? [laughs] 1674 01:08:02,333 --> 01:08:03,333 - Do it. - You can... 1675 01:08:03,417 --> 01:08:05,457 Ah! Fu... 1676 01:08:05,542 --> 01:08:06,672 Push it, if you have to. 1677 01:08:07,833 --> 01:08:08,923 [grunts] 1678 01:08:13,667 --> 01:08:16,997 [sniffing] 1679 01:08:17,958 --> 01:08:18,958 They're all there. 1680 01:08:19,500 --> 01:08:21,250 [continues sniffing] 1681 01:08:27,375 --> 01:08:28,375 Episode ten. 1682 01:08:28,875 --> 01:08:30,165 [chuckling] 1683 01:08:30,917 --> 01:08:32,077 Nice job, Zachy Baby. 1684 01:08:32,458 --> 01:08:34,726 I knew you were gonna say something like that. I told you right? 1685 01:08:34,750 --> 01:08:36,851 - Yeah, you did. - I said "Zachy Baby," and he said it. 1686 01:08:36,875 --> 01:08:38,575 You completed your task. 1687 01:08:40,125 --> 01:08:41,125 And now... 1688 01:08:42,625 --> 01:08:43,625 you may leave. 1689 01:08:44,667 --> 01:08:45,497 [buzzing] 1690 01:08:45,583 --> 01:08:47,923 You told me that if I delivered those tapes, 1691 01:08:49,208 --> 01:08:50,768 you'd give me my own network talk show. 1692 01:08:51,625 --> 01:08:53,165 Our own talk show. 1693 01:08:53,542 --> 01:08:56,082 Are you forgetting the "pro" of the quid pro quo? 1694 01:08:56,167 --> 01:08:59,077 I asked you to deliver ten episodes of your show... 1695 01:08:59,167 --> 01:09:00,707 - [Zach] Yeah. - ...by 9:00 a.m. 1696 01:09:01,083 --> 01:09:02,883 Yeah, it's 9:00 a.m. It's before 9:00 a.m. 1697 01:09:03,250 --> 01:09:04,250 9:00 a.m... 1698 01:09:05,458 --> 01:09:06,668 Tokyo time! 1699 01:09:07,250 --> 01:09:09,210 Before the markets open! 1700 01:09:09,875 --> 01:09:11,825 I can't do anything with these! 1701 01:09:12,083 --> 01:09:13,833 They are worthless to me, 1702 01:09:13,917 --> 01:09:15,327 you fat idiot! 1703 01:09:17,667 --> 01:09:19,268 - How could we have known? - There's no way... 1704 01:09:19,292 --> 01:09:20,922 It makes sense, though. Let's just go. 1705 01:09:21,000 --> 01:09:22,480 Let's just get out of here. I'm so... 1706 01:09:22,583 --> 01:09:23,753 Mr. Galifianakis? 1707 01:09:23,917 --> 01:09:24,747 Yes? 1708 01:09:24,833 --> 01:09:26,213 Your television contract. 1709 01:09:27,500 --> 01:09:28,330 [pen clicks] 1710 01:09:28,417 --> 01:09:30,917 For one big, fancy network talk show. 1711 01:09:36,417 --> 01:09:37,417 [laughing] 1712 01:09:37,458 --> 01:09:38,858 What is this? What... what is this? 1713 01:09:39,000 --> 01:09:40,920 I was fucking with you! 1714 01:09:41,000 --> 01:09:43,420 - What, you mean... - You know why I was fucking with you? 1715 01:09:44,042 --> 01:09:46,382 Because that's what celebrities do to each other. 1716 01:09:47,542 --> 01:09:48,922 You were just Clooney-ed. 1717 01:09:49,000 --> 01:09:50,000 What? 1718 01:09:50,083 --> 01:09:50,963 You won. 1719 01:09:51,042 --> 01:09:52,962 I'm getting my own network talk show? 1720 01:09:53,042 --> 01:09:54,882 You're about to be a TV star! 1721 01:09:54,958 --> 01:09:57,168 - [Carol laughing] - [exclaims] God Almighty! 1722 01:09:57,250 --> 01:09:59,330 - Yeah! - On TV, not the internet? 1723 01:09:59,417 --> 01:10:01,037 [Boom Boom] My God! Zach! 1724 01:10:01,125 --> 01:10:02,825 - Yeah! - You did it! [laughing] 1725 01:10:02,917 --> 01:10:03,917 So exciting. 1726 01:10:10,208 --> 01:10:11,458 My two ferns... 1727 01:10:13,042 --> 01:10:14,582 you know, they were destroyed and... 1728 01:10:16,208 --> 01:10:18,168 I don't know if I can do a show without them. 1729 01:10:18,250 --> 01:10:20,080 You sign that contract... 1730 01:10:21,292 --> 01:10:22,382 and I'll give you something 1731 01:10:22,875 --> 01:10:24,325 way better than two ferns. 1732 01:10:25,208 --> 01:10:26,208 Three ferns? 1733 01:10:28,333 --> 01:10:30,543 - Twenty? - No, four ferns 1734 01:10:30,625 --> 01:10:31,625 Four fer... 1735 01:10:32,083 --> 01:10:33,793 - Four ferns? - Four ferns! 1736 01:10:33,917 --> 01:10:35,667 [all celebrating] 1737 01:10:36,042 --> 01:10:37,672 Gaya! Come on! 1738 01:10:39,292 --> 01:10:42,172 USA! USA! 1739 01:10:42,250 --> 01:10:43,250 US... 1740 01:10:48,000 --> 01:10:51,000 [upbeat instrumental theme song playing] 1741 01:10:51,583 --> 01:10:54,713 [applause] 1742 01:10:55,042 --> 01:10:56,632 Hi, welcome back, I'm Zachy G, 1743 01:10:56,708 --> 01:10:59,128 and you're watching my first episode of... 1744 01:10:59,583 --> 01:11:00,583 Ferns. 1745 01:11:00,625 --> 01:11:02,625 [applause] 1746 01:11:04,000 --> 01:11:06,710 Give it up for DJ Flop! 1747 01:11:06,792 --> 01:11:08,082 [beat plays] 1748 01:11:08,167 --> 01:11:09,667 What's going on, Zachy G? 1749 01:11:11,458 --> 01:11:12,458 Okay, 1750 01:11:12,708 --> 01:11:15,038 let's get to our very first guest ever. 1751 01:11:15,583 --> 01:11:16,833 According to Wikipedia, 1752 01:11:16,917 --> 01:11:18,667 she is 5 ft. 10, 1753 01:11:18,792 --> 01:11:21,132 and was born April 30th, 1985. 1754 01:11:21,417 --> 01:11:24,127 Please welcome our guest, Gal Gadot! 1755 01:11:24,583 --> 01:11:25,673 Oh, Gal! 1756 01:11:25,917 --> 01:11:28,207 [audience cheering] 1757 01:11:28,333 --> 01:11:30,253 - Hey! How are you? - Hi. 1758 01:11:30,333 --> 01:11:31,173 Ooh. 1759 01:11:31,250 --> 01:11:33,250 [laughs politely] 1760 01:11:33,375 --> 01:11:34,375 - Thank you. - Thank you. 1761 01:11:34,417 --> 01:11:35,827 Thank you so much for having me. 1762 01:11:35,917 --> 01:11:36,957 Hey, everyone. 1763 01:11:38,125 --> 01:11:38,955 Ah. 1764 01:11:39,042 --> 01:11:41,002 Oh, how wonderful is this? 1765 01:11:41,083 --> 01:11:42,673 Gal Gadot's here! 1766 01:11:43,750 --> 01:11:45,250 Thank you so much for having me, 1767 01:11:45,333 --> 01:11:49,173 and I'm so honored to be the first guest on your first show. 1768 01:11:49,708 --> 01:11:51,878 I've never been someone's first before, so that's... 1769 01:11:51,958 --> 01:11:53,628 [laughter] 1770 01:11:53,708 --> 01:11:55,378 All right, so, uh, Gal, 1771 01:11:55,583 --> 01:11:57,713 here comes my first question. 1772 01:11:58,917 --> 01:12:01,287 Now, Gal, you played Wonder Woman. 1773 01:12:01,417 --> 01:12:02,827 [cheerfully] I'm wondering, woman, 1774 01:12:02,958 --> 01:12:03,828 how fun was that? 1775 01:12:03,917 --> 01:12:06,287 [laughter] 1776 01:12:06,542 --> 01:12:09,672 It was amazing, it was so much fun. 1777 01:12:09,750 --> 01:12:12,080 [cheering] 1778 01:12:14,375 --> 01:12:16,455 [beat playing] 1779 01:12:16,917 --> 01:12:19,827 [cheering continues] 1780 01:12:32,042 --> 01:12:35,212 [beat and cheering continues] 1781 01:12:39,000 --> 01:12:41,040 The ratings are solid in all four quadrants. 1782 01:12:41,125 --> 01:12:42,665 A slight dip in seniors over 80, 1783 01:12:42,750 --> 01:12:44,510 but you make up for it with pregnant mothers, 1784 01:12:44,542 --> 01:12:46,382 which technically counts as watching for two. 1785 01:12:47,125 --> 01:12:47,995 Oh, hey, guys. 1786 01:12:48,083 --> 01:12:49,463 Can I have a minute with them? 1787 01:12:49,542 --> 01:12:50,542 Sure. 1788 01:12:52,708 --> 01:12:53,578 You saw that, huh? 1789 01:12:53,667 --> 01:12:54,667 - Yeah, we did. - Yeah. 1790 01:12:54,708 --> 01:12:55,788 What was that all about? 1791 01:12:55,875 --> 01:12:57,285 I thought it was so good! 1792 01:12:57,583 --> 01:12:59,753 I mean, did you see the chemistry between me and Gal? 1793 01:13:00,042 --> 01:13:01,422 It was unbelievable, 1794 01:13:01,500 --> 01:13:03,290 the back-and-forth we had. 1795 01:13:03,375 --> 01:13:04,768 I don't think that's what Carol meant. 1796 01:13:04,792 --> 01:13:06,922 Yeah, it's different from what you usually do. 1797 01:13:07,000 --> 01:13:08,130 Okay, yeah, all right, so, 1798 01:13:08,208 --> 01:13:10,708 Mr. Ferrell and I talked about the old me, 1799 01:13:11,333 --> 01:13:14,293 and the old me is not gonna work for this, you guys. 1800 01:13:15,000 --> 01:13:16,880 This is the new me, this is the new ZG. 1801 01:13:16,958 --> 01:13:18,628 Celebrities don't wanna be insulted, 1802 01:13:18,708 --> 01:13:20,788 they just wanna talk about their fascinating lives. 1803 01:13:20,917 --> 01:13:22,747 But, don't you kind of feel like a sell-out? 1804 01:13:22,833 --> 01:13:24,153 Can you really call it a sell-out 1805 01:13:24,208 --> 01:13:26,208 when they give you a free Tesla for doing the show? 1806 01:13:26,292 --> 01:13:28,422 That's literally the definition of selling out. 1807 01:13:28,500 --> 01:13:30,500 Zach, do you really wanna be like Will Ferrell? 1808 01:13:30,583 --> 01:13:31,923 Some washed-up has-been 1809 01:13:32,000 --> 01:13:34,210 who takes cameos in Hollywood movies 1810 01:13:34,292 --> 01:13:36,172 just to get another day's worth of cocaine? 1811 01:13:36,250 --> 01:13:39,670 You know, I didn't even like you before we took this trip to Hollywood, 1812 01:13:39,750 --> 01:13:42,420 but at least then I knew who you were. 1813 01:13:42,625 --> 01:13:45,325 I don't know who this person is that you're pretending to be. 1814 01:13:46,833 --> 01:13:48,463 So, are you just saying that I should... 1815 01:13:49,708 --> 01:13:51,078 just forget everything? Just... 1816 01:13:52,458 --> 01:13:54,668 just drop my dreams, my childhood dreams? 1817 01:13:55,667 --> 01:13:56,537 [door opening] 1818 01:13:56,667 --> 01:13:59,377 Zach, we need you on set to shoot promos for tomorrow's show. 1819 01:14:00,708 --> 01:14:03,378 Zach, we're leaving. We're going to drive back to North Carolina. 1820 01:14:03,458 --> 01:14:05,878 Shirl called and said they rebuilt the studio. 1821 01:14:06,125 --> 01:14:07,625 We can have our old jobs back. 1822 01:14:08,417 --> 01:14:10,497 Carol, you're the one that told me never to give up. 1823 01:14:11,500 --> 01:14:13,790 I know, and I still believe in you, Zach, but... 1824 01:14:15,125 --> 01:14:16,205 this isn't you. 1825 01:14:17,458 --> 01:14:19,248 Zach? Are you coming? 1826 01:14:24,792 --> 01:14:28,712 [melancholy music playing] 1827 01:14:49,000 --> 01:14:50,000 Hey, guys! 1828 01:14:50,417 --> 01:14:51,877 Wait for me! I had to get my ferns. 1829 01:14:51,958 --> 01:14:52,828 - [Boom Boom] Zach! - [Carol] What? 1830 01:14:52,917 --> 01:14:54,997 We thought you chose the show over us? 1831 01:14:55,167 --> 01:14:57,167 What, just 'cause I walked into the studio silently 1832 01:14:57,208 --> 01:14:58,748 without telling you what I was doing? 1833 01:14:58,833 --> 01:14:59,833 Have more faith. 1834 01:14:59,917 --> 01:15:01,287 Of course I'm going with you guys! 1835 01:15:01,375 --> 01:15:02,745 - You're coming? - Yes! 1836 01:15:02,833 --> 01:15:04,293 - You're coming with us? - Yes! 1837 01:15:04,375 --> 01:15:06,575 All right! Let's go. Let's go. 1838 01:15:06,667 --> 01:15:07,667 [Boob Boom] Yes! 1839 01:15:08,542 --> 01:15:09,832 Carol, you were right. 1840 01:15:10,333 --> 01:15:11,833 Hollywood's not for us. 1841 01:15:12,625 --> 01:15:15,165 It has a need to sanitize everything, 1842 01:15:15,250 --> 01:15:17,380 to slap a happy ending on everything. 1843 01:15:17,458 --> 01:15:19,168 So, let's get out of here 1844 01:15:19,583 --> 01:15:21,543 and drive off into the sunset together. 1845 01:15:22,625 --> 01:15:24,245 'Cause all I need are my friends, 1846 01:15:24,750 --> 01:15:25,750 my show, 1847 01:15:26,208 --> 01:15:27,208 and my ferns. 1848 01:15:27,500 --> 01:15:28,630 [crunching] 1849 01:15:33,708 --> 01:15:34,918 We'll just get some new ones. 1850 01:15:35,500 --> 01:15:36,710 - I'll drive. - Okay. 1851 01:15:36,792 --> 01:15:40,332 [Between Two Ferns theme playing] 1852 01:15:43,875 --> 01:15:45,785 Bradley Co... Bradley Coper. 1853 01:15:46,333 --> 01:15:47,893 - Cooper. Yeah. - Bradly Cooper co-wrote, 1854 01:15:47,917 --> 01:15:50,207 produced, directed and starred in A Star Is Born. 1855 01:15:50,292 --> 01:15:51,132 I haven't seen it. 1856 01:15:51,208 --> 01:15:54,078 Are you hoping that will open doors for other hot idiots? 1857 01:15:54,625 --> 01:15:57,205 [both laughing] 1858 01:15:58,000 --> 01:15:59,330 It's such a good question! 1859 01:16:01,750 --> 01:16:02,750 [Zach snorting] 1860 01:16:02,833 --> 01:16:03,673 So sorry. 1861 01:16:03,792 --> 01:16:05,332 - Oh... - I'm so sorry. 1862 01:16:05,417 --> 01:16:06,627 Let's take that one back. 1863 01:16:06,708 --> 01:16:09,378 And, uh, we had this young woman, 1864 01:16:09,542 --> 01:16:11,422 heroic young woman, Malala... 1865 01:16:12,292 --> 01:16:13,672 uh, on the show, 1866 01:16:14,250 --> 01:16:15,330 and, um... 1867 01:16:15,750 --> 01:16:18,670 Known the world over, not big in North America. 1868 01:16:18,750 --> 01:16:20,630 You, I can tell by that look 1869 01:16:20,708 --> 01:16:22,428 that you have no idea who I'm talking about. 1870 01:16:22,500 --> 01:16:24,340 - Yeah, I know who you're talking about. - Who? 1871 01:16:24,458 --> 01:16:25,958 Adam Carolla, is that who you said? 1872 01:16:27,333 --> 01:16:30,423 [both laughing] 1873 01:16:30,500 --> 01:16:32,080 That's why I have this look on my face. 1874 01:16:33,333 --> 01:16:34,173 Wow. 1875 01:16:34,250 --> 01:16:35,410 If you didn't have an accent, 1876 01:16:35,458 --> 01:16:38,458 do you think people would be able to tell that you're not a very good actor? 1877 01:16:38,667 --> 01:16:41,827 [both laughing] 1878 01:16:44,542 --> 01:16:45,542 Please keep going. 1879 01:16:46,083 --> 01:16:48,083 I read online that you're very private 1880 01:16:48,167 --> 01:16:50,747 and decline to answer questions that make you feel uncomfortable. 1881 01:16:50,833 --> 01:16:52,043 This is a two-parter. 1882 01:16:52,750 --> 01:16:55,500 Is that true? And how old were you when you got your period? 1883 01:16:55,625 --> 01:16:57,625 [laughing] 1884 01:16:58,500 --> 01:16:59,880 Do you ever go to the DMZ? 1885 01:17:00,708 --> 01:17:03,378 - No. - It's a combination of TMZ and the DMV. 1886 01:17:03,458 --> 01:17:05,418 That's just a bunch of people... 1887 01:17:05,750 --> 01:17:06,920 sitting around... 1888 01:17:07,083 --> 01:17:08,543 [laughing] 1889 01:17:08,875 --> 01:17:11,705 talking about their drivers' licenses. 1890 01:17:12,042 --> 01:17:13,542 [both laughing] 1891 01:17:14,167 --> 01:17:16,287 Talking about celebrity drivers' licenses. 1892 01:17:17,500 --> 01:17:20,000 "Oh, my gosh, she's got a C-class on hers." 1893 01:17:21,333 --> 01:17:22,333 "Oh... 1894 01:17:22,708 --> 01:17:25,328 James Franco wears corrective lenses." 1895 01:17:25,500 --> 01:17:28,540 [laughing] 1896 01:17:29,958 --> 01:17:30,998 [snorts] 1897 01:17:31,083 --> 01:17:33,133 - You used to live in your car. - Yeah. 1898 01:17:33,250 --> 01:17:35,290 Is it as fun as it sounds, or is there a downside? 1899 01:17:35,375 --> 01:17:37,495 [both laughing] 1900 01:17:42,000 --> 01:17:44,210 Would you say that your work in La La Land 1901 01:17:44,542 --> 01:17:45,752 really helped pave the way 1902 01:17:45,833 --> 01:17:48,213 for white people to explain jazz to black people? 1903 01:17:48,292 --> 01:17:49,292 Sorry! 1904 01:17:49,375 --> 01:17:51,375 [laughing] [Zach snorts] 1905 01:17:53,958 --> 01:17:55,838 All right. Let me get that out. Sorry, you guys. 1906 01:17:55,875 --> 01:17:57,915 We'll be right back with Who Gives A Shit? 1907 01:17:58,625 --> 01:18:00,625 [laughing] 1908 01:18:01,917 --> 01:18:04,377 I mean, what, did you read something last night 1909 01:18:04,458 --> 01:18:06,748 and were so eager to come tell a bunch of young people 1910 01:18:06,833 --> 01:18:08,133 about what you read? 1911 01:18:08,208 --> 01:18:09,538 [laughing] 1912 01:18:09,750 --> 01:18:10,880 Yes, I did. 1913 01:18:11,708 --> 01:18:12,918 I did do a lot of reading. 1914 01:18:13,042 --> 01:18:15,962 When you and Woody Harrelson are acting in a scene together, 1915 01:18:16,042 --> 01:18:19,082 are you sad that somewhere there's a sack not being hackied? 1916 01:18:19,417 --> 01:18:21,417 [laughing] 1917 01:18:24,292 --> 01:18:25,292 That's good. 1918 01:18:25,458 --> 01:18:27,038 "A sack not being hackied." 1919 01:18:27,542 --> 01:18:30,002 What was the marijuana budget on True Detective? 1920 01:18:30,083 --> 01:18:32,083 [laughing] 1921 01:18:34,208 --> 01:18:35,208 And are you... 1922 01:18:35,333 --> 01:18:37,013 Have you smoked a lot of that budget today? 1923 01:18:38,542 --> 01:18:39,542 Oh, shit. 1924 01:18:39,625 --> 01:18:41,455 - You know a guy that has a Tesla? - Mm-hmm. 1925 01:18:41,542 --> 01:18:42,542 [whistles] 1926 01:18:42,875 --> 01:18:44,285 [laughter] 1927 01:18:44,500 --> 01:18:45,580 I won the EGOF. 1928 01:18:45,708 --> 01:18:46,538 Hmm? 1929 01:18:46,625 --> 01:18:47,955 - You know what an EGOT is? - No. 1930 01:18:48,083 --> 01:18:50,253 Oh, an EGOT! Stupid! 1931 01:18:50,875 --> 01:18:52,665 It's amazing that this is even a thing. 1932 01:18:53,000 --> 01:18:54,000 An EGOT? 1933 01:18:54,042 --> 01:18:54,882 Or this thing? 1934 01:18:54,958 --> 01:18:55,998 - This. - [laughing] 1935 01:18:56,083 --> 01:18:58,543 I wasn't talking about the EGOT! I really... 1936 01:18:58,667 --> 01:19:00,327 [laughing] 1937 01:19:00,417 --> 01:19:02,787 I was talking about this. Exactly. 1938 01:19:05,208 --> 01:19:07,038 There's a kid on the Disney Channel. 1939 01:19:07,500 --> 01:19:09,080 Uh, Chad... 1940 01:19:09,500 --> 01:19:10,330 Farthouse. 1941 01:19:10,417 --> 01:19:12,667 He's on one of... Wizards Of Waverly Place. 1942 01:19:14,792 --> 01:19:16,332 [snickering] 1943 01:19:17,542 --> 01:19:19,101 - [Zach] Your face... - How does anybody do this? 1944 01:19:19,125 --> 01:19:20,125 - Sorry. - Your face. 1945 01:19:20,167 --> 01:19:21,377 - Sorry. - ...is not helping. 1946 01:19:21,458 --> 01:19:23,038 Chad Far... [laughs] 1947 01:19:24,458 --> 01:19:25,458 Do you hear that? 1948 01:19:25,875 --> 01:19:26,955 No, I don't hear anything. 1949 01:19:27,208 --> 01:19:28,708 That is the sound of everybody 1950 01:19:28,792 --> 01:19:31,212 talking about your performance in Big Little Lies. 1951 01:19:32,917 --> 01:19:33,957 [whispering] No one cares. 1952 01:19:35,250 --> 01:19:36,500 [laughing] 1953 01:19:36,583 --> 01:19:37,583 It's so mean! 1954 01:19:39,500 --> 01:19:41,300 Your parents got divorced when you were seven. 1955 01:19:42,208 --> 01:19:43,208 Was that your fault? 1956 01:19:43,750 --> 01:19:45,290 [laughs] 1957 01:19:45,833 --> 01:19:46,673 And guess why? 1958 01:19:46,750 --> 01:19:50,210 They named their daughter after a fucking piece of cheese. 1959 01:19:50,333 --> 01:19:52,083 [laughing] 1960 01:19:53,125 --> 01:19:55,825 Again, I'd like to thank crystal meth Santa Claus for being here. 1961 01:19:56,000 --> 01:19:58,000 [laughing] 1962 01:20:00,458 --> 01:20:03,168 Don Draper's suit hangs in the Smithsonian Museum 1963 01:20:03,250 --> 01:20:04,309 - Yes, it does. - It's an honor. 1964 01:20:04,333 --> 01:20:06,333 - Yeah! - Right next to the Cosby sweaters? 1965 01:20:06,458 --> 01:20:09,418 [guffawing] 1966 01:20:17,708 --> 01:20:19,168 - Okay. - No! 1967 01:20:19,375 --> 01:20:21,075 What advice would you give to a young actor 1968 01:20:21,167 --> 01:20:23,457 who wants to hide his Jewishness as well as you have? 1969 01:20:23,833 --> 01:20:25,833 [laughing] 1970 01:20:33,500 --> 01:20:35,880 You know what happens when a Jewish guy 1971 01:20:36,333 --> 01:20:39,253 walks into a brick wall with a full erection? 1972 01:20:40,667 --> 01:20:42,167 - What? - He breaks his nose. 1973 01:20:42,292 --> 01:20:43,672 [laughs] 1974 01:20:44,333 --> 01:20:45,633 I knew that was the answer! 1975 01:20:46,958 --> 01:20:48,538 I did too, and I laughed! 1976 01:20:48,625 --> 01:20:51,345 - I've told that joke for 20... - Did you just come up with the joke? 1977 01:20:51,708 --> 01:20:53,248 That's a joke you've told before? 1978 01:20:53,375 --> 01:20:54,785 [both laughing] 1979 01:21:02,625 --> 01:21:03,625 And... 1980 01:21:04,083 --> 01:21:05,543 that's the end of your movie, right? 1981 01:21:05,958 --> 01:21:07,248 Yeah. And cut. 1982 01:21:07,708 --> 01:21:10,328 Thanks, guys, thank you very much for your time. Thank you. 1983 01:21:10,458 --> 01:21:12,328 Thank you so much for doing this. Uh... 1984 01:21:12,458 --> 01:21:15,168 I think it's gonna be good. I hope my professor gives me an A. 1985 01:21:15,250 --> 01:21:16,250 What? 1986 01:21:17,292 --> 01:21:18,972 Your professor? What are you talking about? 1987 01:21:19,000 --> 01:21:20,630 Yeah, this is a student film. 1988 01:21:20,875 --> 01:21:22,675 I'm a student at Appalachian State University. 1989 01:21:22,875 --> 01:21:23,955 Student film? 1990 01:21:24,292 --> 01:21:25,882 Yeah, I told you that at the beginning. 1991 01:21:25,958 --> 01:21:27,498 So, nobody's gonna see this? 1992 01:21:27,750 --> 01:21:29,460 Well, my professor's gonna see it. 1993 01:21:29,667 --> 01:21:30,667 And the students. 1994 01:21:31,083 --> 01:21:32,309 There's, like, 12 people in my class. 1995 01:21:32,333 --> 01:21:33,543 And I'll show my parents. 1996 01:21:35,083 --> 01:21:36,603 Get the fuck out of my office, please. 1997 01:21:37,250 --> 01:21:38,330 Excuse me? 1998 01:21:38,417 --> 01:21:40,327 Get the fudge out of my office, please. 1999 01:21:40,750 --> 01:21:43,768 I said "fuck" the first time, now I'm saying "fudge" 'cause it's more polite, 2000 01:21:43,792 --> 01:21:45,252 but get the fuck out of my office. 2001 01:21:45,458 --> 01:21:47,128 Geez. Sorry. 2002 01:21:56,250 --> 01:21:58,080 [yelling] It could've been in 3D! 2002 01:21:59,305 --> 01:22:05,590 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org 144910

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