All language subtitles for The Virginian - 8x15 - You Can Lead a Horse to Water

Yes, sir.

Teeth are mighty
important to me.

[ Chuckles ]
Well, it'd sure be uncomfortable
if you didn't have any.

I don't mean just teeth.

I mean good teeth.

You know,
I first got interested
in good teeth...

when I got
in the horse-buying
business.

And I discovered that
a horse with good teeth...

is a lot easier
to get along with
than one without.

And I began
wondering...

if the same held true
for people.

And I made a real
interesting discovery.

Sure it holds true.
A man with a toothache can't
be expected to be good company.

Right!

But that ain't
what I discovered.

I discovered that
it holds true for men,

but it sure don't
hold true for women.

You take...

this widow lady
that's trying to jail me.

Got the prettiest
set of teeth
you ever wanna see.

But it would be easier...

to get along
with a grizzly bear.

Um--
Well, you mean, uh--

Why does she want
to put you in jail?

Um, she--

She wants to marry me.

In jail?

Well, she wants one
or the other.

Me married, me in jail--
I don't see no difference.

Well, there's no law that
puts a man in prison because
he doesn't want to get married.

- Is there?
- No!

Look, she claims
that I stole her horses.

Now, I had, uh,
10 head of hers...

that I was gonna
sell for her.

I had a real nice deal
going too.

But the dang things was stole
before I could close it.

Well, she says
that I owe her the money.

Well, naturally,
under the circumstances,
I don't have it,

and she says,
"In that case,

you can marry me."

Well, I says,
"That don't seem right to me.

Well, it ain't my fault
that the horses were stoled."

She said,
"Maybe not, but no one's
gonna believe that."

You know, the sheriff
is a real good friend of hers.

So I say...

I'll think it over and give
her my answer in the morning.

Well, I get on my horse.

I bid her
a courteous adieu and--

[ Whistles Through Teeth ]
I hightail it out of town.

It's downright depressing.

I liked that town.

- Maybe she's bluffin'.
- Mmm.

Widow women don't bluff.

Hello, Trampas.Hmm? Oh. Hi, Mark.

Howdy.Haven't seen you around
for a while.

What's new in Medicine Bow
that I should know about?

Things have been pretty
quiet around here, except on
Saturday nights, of course.

I do good business
on Saturday nights.[ Laughing ] Yeah.

- [ Chuckling ]
- I understand you're heading
for Clearwater, hmm?

Just as soon
as I finish this beer.

You do me a favor
and take the stage.

Why would I wanna do that?
Take me twice as long
and twice as uncomfortable.

Well, I got a prisoner
I gotta get to Clearwater.

My deputy's down sick.

I need a man I can rely on
to do the job for me.

[ Chuckles ]
Well, I'm no deputy.

Well, I can fix that.
You take a deep breath.

What?There you are.

Hey, Mark, no!
No, Mark. Aw, go ahead, young fella.

It's no skin off your hide, and
you'll be doing the law a favor.

You never know when you'll
want that favor returned.

I mean, uh, if-if that sheriff
had been my friend
instead of hers--

You see what I mean?

Oh. Well, all right, Mark.
I'll be happy to take
your prisoner.

Where is he?Good boy.

- Well, he's right here.
- What?

I'm sorry, Luther,
but there's a Widow Krebs...

says you stole
some horses from her.

Oh, no!

How'd she find me?

I tell you,
that woman is a witch!

Well, she used
the telegraph some.

- Hey, what's your name?
- Luther Watson.

Luther Wat--
You're the man I'm supposed
to see in Clearwater.

I'm supposed
to buy those horses.
My name's Trampas.

Them is the horses
that got stole.

So now you ain't goin'
to Clearwater,

and sheriff can just
put me in jail right here.

I've seen this jail.
It ain't bad at all.

I'm sorry, Luther.
It's no good.
It's the wrong county.

And don't you try
and get out
of doin' your duty,

'cause you're
gonna be my deputy
till I say you're not.

Now drink your beer.
That stage is gonna
leave in a few minutes.

[ Groans ]

Hey, Mark.
What's that?

That's just
so your friend here
doesn't influence you.

Ah, the sheriff
in Clearwater's
got the key for 'em.

Uh-- Hey, Mark.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Uh, good mornin', ma'am.
I'm Will Baxter, coach driver.

And I'm Miss
Mary Charles Marshall.
Happy to make your acquaintance.

And I do hope you'll
take better care of my luggage
than these railroad persons.

I do declare. When I boarded
the train, they just threw it
in the baggage car.

Oh!
[ Laughs ]

So this is
the big shipment of silver
we heard was comin' through.

[ Laughs ]
Now, who'd ever thought of
puttin' it in a lady's trunk?

- Now, I trust you'll take
proper care of it.
- Oh, I aim to.

And you mustn't
handle it roughly.

And there shouldn't be
anything on top of it.
Now, what time are we leavin'?

I'm most anxious
to get to Clearwater.Put that trunk up on top!

Oh. What are you
trying to do?

Trying to get this badge off.
It makes me uncomfortable.

Oh, well, let me help.

It makes me a mite
uncomfortable too.

Oh.

Ow!

Well.

I have a feeling
this is gonna be
a very long trip.

Oh, ca-careful,
Mr. Baxter, please!

That trunk, Mr. Baxter,
is carrying my family treasure,

which my mother--
God rest her soul--

saved from the maraudin'
Yankee soldiers.

When my Aunt Harriet--
she was my father's sister--

came in her poor little buggy
with the news that they
were comin',

my mother grabbed up
all the silver and buried it
in the backyard.

Ma'am--You know, the poor
lady was so rushed,

that later,
when my father came home,
she couldn't remember where,

and it took him
two years of digging
to find it!

Ma'am, where do you
come from?Montgomery, Alabama.

Now tell me,
do all the folks
down there--

do they have as much
to say about nothin'
as you do?

Well, Mr. Baxter,
Southern ladies are known for
their conversational ability.

What do you mean
"about nothin'"?

People have been
fascinated by that story
all the way from Alabama.

How dare you
call that nothin'!

If we were down home
and my Daddy heard you
talk to me like that--

"A lady is a fragile
and a precious object...

and should be
treated accordingly,"
he used to say.

I hope you remember that.Lady--

When you're talking
to a lady, you do not
address her as "Lady."

The proper way is to use her
last name, preceded by "Miss."
In my case, Miss Marshall.

Miss Marshall, uh--
[ Clears Throat ]

Ma'am, uh, it would seem
that we're gonna have...

the pleasure of your company
on this trip.

My name is Luther Watson,
and this here is Trampas.

Happy to make
your acquaintance.

Oh!

Never! I declare,
never did I think I'd
live to see the day...

when a Marshall would be
traveling with a criminal.

Marshals usually do
travel with criminals.
That's how they make a living.

I wasn't referring
to government marshals.

I was referring to
those individuals who bear
my family's proud name.

Watch your step.

Oh, Miss Marshall,
you'd be more comfortable
riding forward.

Mr. Trampas,
I've been facing forward...

all the way
from Montgomery, Alabama,

and coping with
painful cinders
the whole journey.

I will never
face forward again.

Ma'am, won't you please
stay settin' down?

I aim to get to Clearwater
sometime this year!

This is gonna be
a longtrip.

Oh.

Come on.

I certainly hope this proves to
be a pleasanter form of travel
than the train I just left.

I'll have you know,
one time I was nearly thrown
clear across the aisle.

- Hyah!
- Oh!

[ Murmurs ]
Oh.

Oh.

When I was a little girl,
my daddy had a little
play buggy made for me.

And he bought a pony.
He took me everywhere.

Then one day, they
weren't there anymore.

I would have cried,
except my Aunt Harriet
explained to me...

gentlefolks didn't cry
in public.

I hadn't known that before. [ Luther ]
Miss Marshall, um--

Ma'am.

Did anyone ever tell you
you've got pretty teeth?

Yeah, just like
the Widow Krebs.Mm-hmm.

Oh, my Aunt Harriet
would love to hear that.

She always told me
my teeth were one
of my best features.

Or she may have
said my best.

Anyhow, she always instructed me
to take proper care
of them, so I did.

You know that discovery
you made?Mm-hmm.

You may become known
as the scientific wizard
of this territory.

Yeah.
[ Laughing ]

My mother
was a quiet lady.

- She didn't talk much.
- Didn't get much of a chance.

- I beg your pardon?
- Uh, nothing, ma'am.
I didn't say anything.

Oh. I thought you did.

[ Baxter ] Whoa!What on earth are we
stopping here for?

I don't know.

My stars,
it's the middle of nowhere.
What on earth are you--

Now, unless you want
something bad to happen
to the lady, mister,

you'll take that gun out
of your holster real easylike
and drop it out the window.

Any man who would
threaten a lady--

Shut up, lady!

All right.
Now everybody out.

I will do
no such thing.Out!

Miss Marshall, unless you
want to get us all killed,
you'll do as the man says.

Now get out.

All right.
Money and valuables
in here.

Oh.Ah.

Don't forget the watch.

- Shoot him! Shoot him!
- Who, me?

Oh, I knew I was
dealing with amateurs,
but this is ridiculous.

- Wait. Did you
want me to shoot him?
- Just forget it.

See if you can
unhitch the team.
Hey!

Which one of these is hers?Th-That one right there,
right in front of you.

Yeah, that's it.
Oh. Ow.

[ Mary Charles ]
Now, don't--

Don't you dare treat
my luggage like that!
Did you see what he did?

All right, lady.
Your ring.

I have no intention
of partin' with this ring.

This ring
has been in my family
for generations,

and I do not intend for it
to fall into the hands
of highwaymen and thieves.

Lady, give me that ring,
or I'll take it.

[ Voice Breaks ]
Miss Mar--
[ Clears Throat ]

Miss Marshall, uh,
give him the ring.

There's no point
in your ending up
with nine fingers.

You don't mean
he'd actually...
cut off my finger?

That's exactly
what he means.

Now that.No!

[ Gunshot ]

[ Screams ]
Oh! Oh!

No! Now, now--
[ Grunts ]

How dare you do that?
You get that back.

You-- You leave
my things alone.

Where's the silver?

What do you mean
"Where is the silver?"

What I mean is what I said.
Where is the silver?

You have just strewn it
on the ground,

and if there's a single dent
in a single piece--

Baxter, you blockhead!

You hear some empty talk,
and you convince us she's
carrying the U.S. mint!

Come on!
Let's get out of here.

Come on.

- Wait for me!
- You know where to find us.

Mr. Baxter,

it is very clear that you have
never done a dishonest thing
in your life before.

I would certainly like
to understand what drives
a man to a life of crime.

So you would be interested
to understand-- Well,
I'll tell you, ma'am.

It's people like you.
That's what!

Always a-talkin' at me--
"Don't damage my trunk!"

"Can't you go faster?"
"That ain't no way
to talk to a lady!"

"Can't you drive slower?"
That's what done it!
Talk, talk, talk!

Obviously, the man is not
cut out for this job.

He has no patience.

It is a pleasant thing
to have something...

that smacks of gentility
in this vast
cultural wasteland.

You back up
from there, lady.

Back up from there!

It might smack of that--
that whatever
you said it was,

but it sure don't
look to me like it smacks
of anything much.

Ha! You must've come
from a mighty poor family.

Don't you say anything
against my family!
[ Screams ]

[ Mary Charles Groaning ]

Hey![ Cries ]

You wouldn't do anything
foolish, would ya?

Hey, murder is a sight
worse than robbery...

should the law
catch up with ya.

Yeah? Well, the law ain't
a-gonna catch up with me.
Don't you try that again, hear?

[ Trampas ]
Well, it doesn't matter.

I didn't get a look
at those other two,
but I'll never forget you.

That's right. Don't make
no difference where you go.
We'll track ya.

Back off from me.
Go on!

You'll never have
a good night's sleep again.That's right.

'Cause we're
comin' after you,
and we'll find you.

Where I'm going,
ain't no one gonna find me.

The law ain't gonna find me.
My wife ain't.
My in-laws ain't.

Even my kids ain't
gonna know where I am!

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

Did it give you pleasure
to make me fall in the dirt?

I was kickin' at Baxter,
and your umbrella
got in the way.

And you gave him my purse!
Do you know what was in it?

$2,000!
That's what was in it.
And you gave it to them.

We all have respect for
the dollar, but we should have
more respect for our lives.

- They had guns, and we didn't.
- Of course you didn't!
You gave that up too.

- Why didn't you just shoot him
when you had a chance?
- I didn't have a chance!

If I went for my gun,
he would have shot you or me.

Then he'd have to shoot
the other two who saw him do it.

Oh.I'm sorry
about your money.

That's all right.
I understand.

Oh! We'll just have to
go after them and get it back.

"We"? Maybe you can
outrun a horse. I can't.

Miss Marshall, there ain't
no way in the livin' world
that we can go after 'em.

The only thing that we can do
is try to make it to Clearwater
and get the sheriff.

But they didn't go
toward Clearwater.

By the time we go there
and get the sheriff back here,
the trail will be cold.

So to pursue them ourselves
is the only logical solution.

Logical?
[ Scoffs ]

Miss Marshall, look at us.
We're bound together
like Siamese twins.

Why, we couldn't lick
a tabby cat in a fair fight,

and you want us to go after
three men who've got guns...

when you've
already pointed out
that I haven't got a gun.

If we have any luck at all,
another stage'll come by...

and take us
into Clearwater.

If not-- [ Chuckles ]
we're gonna have six
pretty sore feet.

Stop right where you are!

My granddaddy's pistol.

I kept it
for sentimental reasons.

I had no idea
I'd ever have to use it.

However,
rest assured I will.

[ Exhales ]
Now, we will go
in that direction...

and get my money back.

[ Handcuffs Jangle ]

[ Inhales ]
Oh.

You ever been on
a wilder goose chase?

I just wish it were
geese we were chasing.

- [ Objects Clatter ]
- [ Stumbling, Groaning ]

Oh!

Oh!

[ Clattering ]

[ Yelps ]

[ Exhales ]

Oh.

- Need some help?
- Thank you. I'll manage.

You're in what's undoubtedly
a prairie dog hole.

Prairie dog?
What's that?

I have no idea what dogs
are like back East, but, uh,

out here a prairie dog
is likely to be dangerous.

[ Imitates Barking ]

I hear them.
I hear them.

Help. Help!

You are a devious man,
Trampas,

and that is
all right with me.[ Imitates Bark ]

[ Groaning ]
Oh!

Here.

Oh!

Need some help
walking?

I'm fine.
Perfectly fine.

[ Clattering ]Okay.

[ Sighs ]

Hey. Hey![ Trampas ]
Ooph!

Ow![ Luther Groaning ]

Hey, Trampas!
What--

Oh! I feel like I
just been throwed
by an unbroke bronc.

Wouldn't you know
she'd find it comical?
[ Chuckling ]

Just wait'll
she tries it.

She's makin' it
slick as you please.

My hat. Oh.

Shall we go?

My hat.

Well, I'll say
one thing for her--
she has got guts.

Guts she's got.
Sense she's lacking.

Help me get my--Huh? Oh.

Oh.Oh. I guess
we can't, huh?

[ Rattling ][ Screams ]

Don't move.
Just-- Just shoot.

- I don't know how!
- Wha--

Why, we've walked
dang near 50 miles...

'cause a lady's
got a gun on us,
and she can't even shoot!

Well, shoot! Shoot.Shoot.

Sh-Shoot.I never have!

Well, Miss Marshall, if you
don't shoot now, you'll never
have the time to learn.

Now pull the hammer back
and shoot.

Whew!

The likes of that gun haven't
been seen since the cannons
at Gettysburg.

Are you hurt?

It really must be true!
I do take after my father.

It's deader
than a doornail.

At that range,
you're lucky you didn't
shoot your foot off.

You mean I-- You mean
I could actually have
shot my foot?

Right now,
you've got the gun
aimed at your big toe.

Ah.Oh.

[ Chuckles ]Are you sure that
you ain't hurt?

[ Clattering ]I'm perfectly all right.

[ Whistles ]

[ Groans ]

I beg your pardon,
Miss Marshall,
but you're not all right.

You won't be able to hobble
tomorrow if you don't give
that ankle some rest.

And as we're out
of any other form
of transportation,

unless you wanna sit here
and be the voice crying
in the wilderness,

you'd better be able
to walk.

We don't have time.We'll make time.

Now, you go sit
over there on that log
and take your boot off...

while I try
and rustle up some food
with this... cannon.

Well, go on!

Whoa--

Do I have
to go with you?

I don't see how
I'm gonna get rid of you.Well, hold it.

How good a shot are you?

Reasonable.Mm-hmm. I ain't sure
that's good enough.

I-- But do you think
that you can
shoot that off?

You have a head on you,
Luther Watson.Mm-hmm.

[ Hammer Cocks ]

Whoo![ Wheezing Laugh ]

Look at that!
[ Laughing, Coughing ]

I don't mind the smoke.
We're free.

That was fine.
[ Laughs ]

We'll tie the horses
up in here.

Then what'll
happen to 'em?Nothin'.

Plenty of water
and graze.

We can drift back
in a day or two
and, uh, cut 'em loose.

You can step down
and open that bag.
We'll divvy up right here.

That's not the plan.
We told Baxter we'd
meet him near my place.

Well, then, Grimes, that's
where he'll be waiting.

If you want to divide
your half with him, why,
you go right ahead.

Hold on. You ain't the man
that got me into this.
I owe Baxter for that.

You want to see
any of this loot,
you'd better come with me.

Miss Marshall.

It ain't that, uh,
I aim to pry none,

but, uh, it seems
a mite peculiar--

a lady like you, uh,

wanderin' around these parts
unaccompanied.

I imagine it does.

Well, have you got
a family out West maybe?

I came out
to be married.

I think.

Well, don't
be nervous about it.

I know some of them
mail-order hitchin's
that turn out real good.

Mail order?

What in the world gave you
a notion like that?

Mr. Watson,
I don't know where you
got that impression,

but I can assure you
I'm not that desperate.

Well, I-I-I didn't,
uh, mean that I--

What I meant
to say was, uh--

Well, that is,
uh, common enough
in these parts.

Well, "common"
is indeed the word.

Dear me! Mr. Watson,

a lady raised in the South
is required to know not only
the man she intends to marry,

but his relatives
as well...

and have a passing
acquaintanceship
with his ancestors.

Really? Uh-huh.

Yeah, I know
what you mean. Yeah.

It's the same
with horses.

Now, if you know
who the stud was, uh--

You know how
to skin a rabbit?Yes, I can.

Uh, who you gonna marry,
Miss Marshall?

Mr. Tom Kendrick is the man
I intend to marry.

He is a gentleman
from sole to crown.

Why, he can trace
his ancestors clear back--

What's he doin' out
in these parts?

One of the qualities of
a gentlemen is his courage.

He came out here
five years ago
to make his fortune.

- Did he?
- Did he what? I just finished
telling you he did.

Did he make his fortune?

To the best
of my knowledge, he did.

I feel sort of sorry
for him.

I have never been
so insulted!

You! M-Mr. Trampas!

You are just plain--

You are just... tacky!

What? No, Miss Marshall,
all I meant was...

that, uh, well,
he'll be worried if you
don't show up on time.

Oh.

Then I apologize
for my outburst.

But you need have
no concern about that,

'cause I didn't tell him
the exact time of my arrival.

Oh.
Well, that's good.

'Cause I know
a gentleman
would be worried...

if he knew you were wandering
around the wilderness
with two strange men...

whose ancestors range
from, uh,

blacksmiths
to horse thieves.

[ Chuckling ]
Well, you know
that, uh,

there's bounty hunters.

Well, I had me
a friend...

that was a ghost hunter.

There's this one town
that had this particular
bad reputation,

so he went up
to save it, you know?

To spend the night.

Well, there he is,

you know, laying
flat on his back...

in bed in this
ramshackle old hotel,

and the wind
was a-howlin'...

and the shutters
was a-banging.[ Slapping Leg ]

And all of a sudden--

it all quiets down.

And risin' up...

from the foot of his bed,

a ghostly hand
comes a-creepin'.

[ Shuddering ]

Well, he snatched up
his pistol,

took careful aim,
and he fired four times!

- You know-- bang, bang, bang!
- Bang.

That's right!

And now...

he walks around
with his right foot...

considerable shorter
than his left!

[ Laughing ]

[ Giggling ]

Oh, Mr. Watson!

You're a marvelous
storyteller!

Thank you. [ Trampas ]
You can sure talk up a storm.

I can only think of one person
that can do you one better.

Now, if you could just walk
as well as you can talk.

Young fella,
u-until today...

I never walked any further
than from the door of
the saloon to the bar.

I think I done right well.

Mr. Watson, I think we
would both rest easier...

if we paid no attention
to our reluctant
traveling companion.

That's right.[ Laughing ]

Pay attention or not,
we don't get some sleep,

tomorrow's gonna be
a long, hard day.

Oh. Well.

There's wisdom in that.

Oh, uh--Yeah, so--

Why don't we just
curl up together?

You mean
all together?

Well, Miss Marshall, uh,
if you see a hotel around,

I'd be delighted
to check you in.

Mr. Trampas, you're
being tacky again.

But ladies and gentlemen
just simply do not spend
the night together...

curled up
around a bonfire.

Well, ladies and gentlemen
don't go chasing after
robbers together either.

Oh.

Well, I will rest
over there,

but I assure you I
will not sleep a wink.

Ooh!Oh, Miss Marshall.

That ankle is bad.
You better soak it
in the stream.

That's right. I've seen
that work with horses
dozens of times.

Mr. Watson,
I'm not a horse!

And as for you,
Mr. Trampas,

if you think for
a fleeting second that I'm
gonna leave the protection...

of this kind,
old gentleman,

you've got
another think comin'.

You know--
[ Clears Throat ]

I never thought
of myself as being old
until right this minute.

You think she was
fearin' or hopin'?

Hmm. Well.[ Chuckles ]

[ Luther Snoring ]

[ Groans ]

[ Snores, Groaning ]

Fool woman.
She'll freeze to death
that far away from the fire.

[ Snoring, Snorting ]

Mmm.

[ Snorting ]

[ Snoring Continues ]

[ Gasps ]

Oh! Now hold it!
Take it easy!

How dare you!
Sneaking up on me like that.

I knew I shouldn't have
permitted myself to sleep.

I must have dozed off,
and the first thing I know,
you take that opp--

What is this?It's my jacket.

How did I get it?I gave it to you.

It's a cold night,
and you're a long way
from the fire.

Well, I do declare.

This is the second time
I've had to apologize to you.

Now, I do most humbly.
I'm very sorry,
but I thought--

I know what you thought,
Miss Marshall.

I wish you'd get it
through your head...

that all the gentlemen
in this world don't
come from... Alabama.

Oh.

[ Clears Throat ]

It is a cold night,
even beside the fire.

I think it would be best
if we shared the jacket.

[ Loud Snoring ]

[ Shivering ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Snoring Continues ]

Goodness gracious.

Does this happen often?

Not often enough.

Mr. Trampas.

Taking advantage
of a helpless, sleepless--

- Well, if you ask me--
- [ Snoring ]

we're both gonna
be sleepless.

That happens about
every six seconds.Well, that'll never do.

[ Groans ]

[ Muffled Snoring ]

Miss Marshall?

I must admit, you have
one or two things
to recommend you.

[ Snoring,
Groaning Continue ]

[ Snoring, Snorting ]

[ Snoring, Snorting ]

Hey! What was that?

Hey, do you hear that?

- That was you.
[ Laughs ]
- Me?

You were snorin'.

I had to put your hat
over your face
so we could sleep.

"We"?

Are you sure
that's the reason
you covered my eyes?

Mr. Watson!

That's a terrible way
to wake somebody up, Luther.

Well, you was havin'
more fun than me.

Oh!

[ Chuckling ]
Now that we're all awake,
I guess we'd better get movin'.

Thank you, Mr. Trampas,
for the loan of one-half
your coat.

Oh!What happened?
What happened?

Uh--Luther.

I think it would
appear that...

I'm unable to walk.

Well, uh, look.

Look, uh, let's have
a look at that.

Well, that's better.

Uh-- Well, no wonder
you can't walk on it!Oh! Oh!

It's swole up
twice its size.

If you hadn't got
so high and mighty
last night...

when we told you
to soak it--

I-- I must plead guilty to
a streak of stubbornness...

I inherited
from my father's
side of the family.

My Aunt Harriet used to say
Daddy and I were like two peas--Miss-- Miss Marshall.

Why don't you
continue this story
down by the stream...

while your foot's
a-soakin'?

That's just
what I'll do,
if you'll excuse me.

Here. I'll carry you.No, no. No.

That would be
an imposition.

I can go alone.M--

Oh. Ooh!

A mule.

Pure mule.

- [ Splashing ]
- [ Gasping ]

She's done it again.

[ Squealing ]

I thought you were just
gonna soak your ankle.

[ Gasping ]
I can't swim!

[ Chuckling ]
Oh.

[ Squealing ]Okay.

Miss Mar--[ Screaming ]

Miss Marshall, please take
your arms-- around my neck--

or you're gonna drown me.

If I do that,
I'll drown me!

There's no--
There's no reason
for both of us to drown.

We-- Just--

Miss Mar--[ Spluttering ]

[ Panting ]

[ Trampas Grunting ]

Miss Marshall.[ Gasping ]

[ Mary Charles Gasps ]

Why, look.

Uh, well, the tracks
split up here.

Uh, the ones with
the stage horses may be
aimin' for Clearwater,

but the loner ain't.

That would be
Mr. Baxter.

What, do you read sign?

It's a perfectly
logical deduction.

If the stagecoach driver
showed up in Clearwater,

there'd be a lot
of downright embarrassing
questions for him to answer.

Well, it is, uh--
It-It's him all right.

Now, he was ridin'
the off horse...

of the lead pair.

Oh. You know,

I noticed, when he rode off
in that robbery,

that-that horse had kind of a,
well, funny way of goin'.

But he ain't goin' far.

Looks to me like he's lame.

He's lame.

What are you doing?
What are you going
in this direction for?

There's one of him
and three of us.

But he hasn't got
my money. They have.

If we were so lucky as
to get one of them with this
antiquated piece of metal,

the others would get
all three of us before I'd
get a chance to aim it again.

But there isn't any point
in goin' in this direction.

Sure there is.
He'll be able to tell us
where the others are.

Mr. Trampas,
this is insanity.

Miss Marshall,
the whole thing's insanity.

- One old man,
a lame woman--
- Yeah. Lame.

And me. And you got us
on the trail of hot desperadoes.

I refuse
to go another step
in this direction.

Let me point out to you
that you're not taking
any steps at all.

Just put me right down.
I'm perfectly capable of
doing my own walkin'.

We'll go faster this way.Going faster in the wrong
direction's no help.

Well, hold it!

Uh, Miss Marshall, Trampas
is makin' good sense,
and you ain't,

so that makes it
two against one.

And when we do catch up
with that criminal,

it'll take all of us
workin' together like a team
to capture him.

So that is
the last bickerin'
I expect to hear. I--

Uh, continue, Trampas.

That's him.Mm-hmm.

[ Hushed ]
Shoot him!Miss Marshall! Shh!

We are after
your dowry money.

You use that gun
on that man,

and he won't ever
be able to tell you
where it is ever, ever.

You remember
the blowed-up rabbit?
Well.

I'll do a little scoutin',

make sure that he's
the right man.

We've been following
his trail.

- I'll check his horse.
I'd recognize--
- What's the point?

Well, I don't wanna be
responsible for surprising
an innocent man...

into a heart attack.

You think you can do it?

I've been sneaking up
on horses for years,

as long as I'm downwind.

- It's his horse all right.
- Shh!

I borrowed this.
I figured it'd come in handy.

We can take him
by surprise before he
ever knows what hit him.

- He's sound asleep.
- Mmm.

Oh, Mr. Trampas,
you have a remarkable mind.

All right.
This is what we'll do.

- I'll throw myself on him
so he can't move.
- Uh-huh.

Luther, you tie him up
with those hobbles.
Here. And take this cannon.

Oh.You stay here.

I'll do no such thing.

Just don't get
in the way.

[ Yelps ]What? Shh!

No. Shh, shh, shh.

Right.

Now.Go, Trampas.

Hold on to him.
I'm comin'!

Don't let him go!
Oh!

I didn't.What?

I don't have him.Well--

Don't move.
I got you covered.

Well.

Uh, that's just about
the cleverest ambush
I ever see'd.

Hmm.

Don't no one try
nothin' foolish now.

My, oh, my.
We certainly did
take him by surprise.

We truly did.

Three of us
against one of him,
and we're prisoners.

After all that
planning and strategy,
it's downright disgraceful.

Them flowers
of Southern womanhood,
they got plenty of thorns.

It is easy to be insultin'
when you're wavin' a gun
around, Mr. Baxter.

Don't worry about that gun,
Miss Marshall.

A gunshot carries a long ways,
and by this time, the law's
bound to be on our trail.

Well, the law is something
I ain't worried about.

If I were to guess, you haven't
been at the business of robbing
stagecoaches very long.

What makes you say that?

If you're waiting here
for your two partners
to come and divvy up,

they should have been here
long before now.

You are right, Mr. Trampas!
They were on horses,
we were afoot.

I remember something
my dear daddy always said.

He always said,
"There is no honor
among thieves."

[ Luther ]
That's right.

Uh, them two
is long gone,

and the trail's
gettin' colder
by the minute.

Ah, there ain't a stick
of truth in that.

Besides, I know
where to find 'em.

Now put your hands
behind you.

You, you tie them up--
hands behind 'em.

And no tricks, old man.

I can assure you, sir,

you will pay dearly
for any mistreatment...

to myself or my two
traveling companions.

You just wait till
Mr. Tom Kendrick
learns of this.

To say nothin'
of the Widow Krebs.

Haskell! You are
the laziest, sorriest
excuse for a lawman...

I've run acrost
in all my years out West.

Miss Krebs,
if you wasn't a woman--

The only saddle sores
you've got for the last
10 years...

are from ridin'
that swivel chair
behind the desk!

Now just one minute, madam.

Don't you "madam" me,
you lazy, lowdown loafer!

Those three stage passengers
and the driver been out there
missin' for two days,

and what have you
done about it?

I'll tell you what I done.

I very carefully
searched the entire area...

and I tracked down
one of the thieves.

Only because he was dead.
You couldn't track a skunk
by his smell.

One more word out of you,
and I'm gonna lock you up
for disturbin' the peace.

My late husband
used to say,

"Too much law is
a dad-ratted nuisance."

Which one of
your late husbands?

I can't recall.

It don't matter none.
What I'm sayin' is,
too little law is even worse.

Now, I'm gonna form
a citizens' posse,

and should we find
that you been derelict
in your duties,

you're gonna
be out of a job!

Where you goin'?To the saloon!

It's men like you
that drive women to drink!

Yes, sir, the more
I think of it,

if somethin' accidental-like
was to happen to you three,

I wouldn't have to
light out of here on the run.

I could say we split up,
and I never see'd you again.

[ Whispers ]
The silver.Huh?

Silver.Mr. Trampas.

May I remind you that our captor
is singularly lacking
in discernment...

where rare,
old silver's concerned.

So if you're suggesting
we bargain for our lives--

What I'm suggesting
is one of us gettin'
in that sack...

and get that knife
and cut these ropes.

[ Loud ]
Well, I'd do a sight--

[ Whispering ] I'd do
a sight better to rub the pot,
wait for the genie to appear.

- Genie?
- Well--

That knife ain't ever gonna
cut through this rope.

Mr. Watson, if it could
cut through that tough old
jackrabbit we shared last night,

it can cut through
this hemp.

- It's our only chance.
- All right.

Is he lookin'?

No.Then I'll try.

[ Clattering ]

Come on up here.

It ain't gonna work
unless you two can
create a diversion.

Keep his attention
away from me.

Well, just what'd
you have in mind?

Well, you can begin
by gettin' closer
together...

so's he won't see
what I'm doin'.

That ain't
close enough.
Closer.

- What are you two up to?
- Huh?

I-I'm beginning to feel
the night chill, Mr. Baxter.

If you were
any kind of a gentleman,
you'd spare us a blanket.

I ain't got but one,

and I ain't about
to give that one up,
'cause I'm subject to colds.

Besides, I didn't
invite you all to my camp,

so I ain't responsible
for providin' for your comforts.

Well, you just had better,
Mr. Baxter,

or you might
wake up in the morning
and find yourself...

with three frozen corpses
on your hands to explain.

Now, I never thought
of it that way.

If you was to oblige me
like that,

you'd save me all the trouble
of goin' and doin'
the violence to ya.

Mr. Baxter, compared to you,
a carpetbagger was
a prince among men.

[ Sighs ]

- I've got the knife.
- Then start sawin'.

Keep jawin'.

Say something.

I can't think
of anything to say.

Now you can't think
of something to say?

He's lookin'
suspicious again.

Get in there and
show her, Trampas.Show her what?

Well, show her that you
can court just as good...

as any poetry-spoutin'
Southern gentleman.

Mr. Watson, I thought
you had some regard
for the proprieties.

Must I remind you
I'm engaged to be married
to Mr. Tom Kendrick?

[ Slurred Voice ]
Fred?What?

Come here, Fred.

Did I ever read you
this letter?Yes!

Listen to this part.

"Of course,
it broke my heart...

"to sell the old place.

"But when I think of...

what you have worked
so hard to provide me"--

You get that?
I am providing for her.

Well, a man's supposed
to provide for his wife!

Yes, but get
the next part.

"If your establishment
isn't quite up...

"to what we are both
accustomed,

"I know you
will take steps...

to rectify that."

She's plannin'
to work me to death.

[ Sighs ]"I remain
sincerely yours"--

Bottle of brandy, Fred.

Well, now, Miz Krebs,
you know the policy.

No women are allowed
to buy liquor.I ain't here as a woman.

I'm here as the owner of
the "Circle 0, Double J,
Bar None" spread,

and you would lose a lot of
business was I to tell my boys
to do their drinkin' elsewhere.

You see what happens
to a man?

Every time
she loses a husband,
she gets another spread.

Man spends his whole life
building something up.

Who gets to enjoy it?

His widow.Well?

Well, now, look.
Look, I'd lose my job if
I broke the rules, Miss Krebs.

Oh, I'd hate to see
that happen, Fred.

Why don't you just
sell me the bottle?

Hey. Why didn't I
think of that?

'Cause you ain't got
the brains God give
a jackrabbit. That's why.

I'm obliged to you, Tom.

I like your style.

Were you a mite older
or me a mite younger--

Well, I'm ho-honored, ma'am,
but I've been spoken for.

Well, I hadn't heard that.
Who's the lucky lady?

Y'all mean Miss Mary Charles
Marshall of the Marshalls
of Montgomery.

Well, what in the name
of the Almighty are you doin'
drinkin' at a time like this?

Well, obviously,
you have never met
Miss Mary Charles Marshall--

fair and fragile flower
of the old South...

who will wilt and whither
in the wicked West.

It's likely I may never
have that pleasure...

because she's on that stage
that was robbed.

Ain't never been
heard from since.

Same goes for my fiancé.

Now, I don't know about you,
but I aim to go
lookin' for 'em.

I don't relish
bein' a widow again
before I'm a wife.

If you was any kind
of a Southern gentleman,
you would ride with me.

Ow! Whose side
are you on?

Miss Marshall,
if you expect to be
walkin' down the aisle,

you better
put on a real show
for Mr. Baxter...

'cause he's
lookin' restless.

- Do somethin'.
- Like what?

Well.

Kiss her.

You know, my fingers is numb.
Gotta have time to flex 'em.

Got more cuttin' to do.

I will not.

It's a good cause.

[ Kissing ]

You can stop now.

There.
[ Panting ]

I'm... finished cuttin'.
[ Chuckles ]

I said-- Oh.
You can stop now.

Trampas? Hey.

Trampas.

I saw a moonstruck calf once
looked just like you.

Hey.
He's turned his back.

Now's our chance.
Come on. Let's go!

Oh, goodness!

Will you hit him!

Oh, goodness gracious!

[ Clattering ]

Well, I'll be
a teetotal, gosh--

[ Exhales ]
Oh!

Hey, ain't she
a jim-dandy?

She packs a real wallop.So do you.

Oh.Just wish you saw
well enough to aim right.

[ Crying ]

- Well, uh, there.
Now, there now.
- [ Crying Continues ]

Uh, little lady. Uh--

Look, don't cry.

Oh, we know
that you ain't one
to do a man violence.

You just did
what you had to do.

And besides,
he ain't dead.

His head's too hard
for that.

[ Crying Continues ]

He dented my teapot!

[ Groaning ]

E-Excuse me.

Oh, uh, would you just all
hold up for a minute?

Oh. My back.

I-- I have got
to rest my back.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

[ Whimpering ]
Ooh.

You know, all that
walkin' and fightin'
has left me,

well, a wreck of the man
that I was.

Well, you can look at it
this way, Luther.

Would the Widow Krebs
want a wreck of a man?

Well--
[ Laughs ]

In that case,
maybe it's worth it.

Uh, keep an eye on him
while I water the horse.Yes.

Sit down over there.

Well.

Huh. Oh.

Um--

I'm sorry
to slow you down...

and delay
the grand reunion...

with Mr. Tom Kendrick.

That's all right,
Mr. Watson.

I'm not so sure
it's gonna be such
a grand reunion--

not for him anyway.

What makes you say that?

He'll be mighty glad
to see you.

No, I'm not so sure
of that either.

I've done an awful thing.

It's been five years
since Tom Kendrick
came out here,

and I just up and wrote him
that I was coming.

And I didn't even wait
for an answer.

And that's why
you prattle on so much--

uh, so you won't
dwell on it.

[ Chuckles ]

You are very perceptive.

Well, let me
tell you this.

There's not a man
in his right mind...

that wouldn't be proud
to have you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I've plumb run out
of patience with you.

Are you gonna tell us
where them fellas went
with her dowry money,

or am I gonna have
to rough you up some?

No. Mr. Watson,
it isn't necessary.

I've been thinkin'.
The dowry--
that's the past.

It isn't good to be tied
too much to the past.

Well, it's the principle
of the thing.

That money is yours,

no matter what you
wanna do with it.

Maybe the sheriff
of Clearwater will
convince him.

I hear he's
a pretty rough man.

Well, I'll help you aboard,
Miss Marshall.

My ankle's
feeling much better.

I think Luther
should ride for a while.

You know,

that fella, Kendrick--

if he don't do right
by that little lady,

he's gonna have me
to answer for.

Help me, Trampas.

Up you go, Luther.Well. Oh--

Oh, my back! No.

[ Groans ]
Oh.

I won't need that.

They-- They brought
my trunk to Clearwater.

They'll send it right
over to the hotel.

I declare,
it will be a joy indeed
to discard this old rag.

What-- What on earth's
the matter?

We got a problem.

Luther can't run around loose.
Someone's bound
to recognize him.

If that happens,
we'll both end up in jail.

Maybe I better
make myself scarce
till after dark.

Where?

In my room.
That's where.

Why, Miss Marshall,

that's no proper behavior
for a Southern lady.

Oh, hang proper
and hang Southern.

We are where we are,
and what has to be done
has to be done.

Let's not have
any arguments.

If you have any trouble,
you know where we'll be.

And if we have any,
I'll find you.

Ordinarily,
I wouldn't do this.

You know, you can't
lock a man up just because
another man says so.

But seeing as how
you're a deputy, uh,

I'll do it till I can
check out your credentials
with Medicine Bow.

When will that be?Oh, I should get an answer
back by morning, I think.

Hmm.Come on.

Uh, you know, I reckon
you done me a favor.

I've been in
a lot worse situations.

As a matter of fact,
this is about the nicest
jail I ever been in.

So, uh, that's
the way it stands.

We've got tomorrow morning
to find the horses,
or Luther's got a choice--

gettin' married
or goin' to jail.

Chains either way.

I never have thought
of marriage that way.

Most women don't.Most men do?

Ma'am, most men--

Well, a lot of men, uh--

I--
[ Clears Throat ]

Well, now, you take,
um, this Widow Krebs.

Well, she's after Luther,
and you can see why
Luther's reluctant.

She's put three strong men
in their graves already.[ Sighs ]

I guess it won't
be long now.

To tell the truth,
I'm scared.Of what?

I never thought there were
any people worth knowing
or thinking about...

except the kind
I grew up with.

- Kendrick's someone
you grew up with.
- Yes. That's the trouble.

You see, I--
I feel now-- I hope--

I hope some of this country's
rubbed off on him.

I don't think
I want to marry
the dandy I used to know.

Well, he's been here
five years, and--

Strangest thing about
this part of the country--

it sort of, uh,
opens your mind out.

Yes, it does.

Something's happening
to me already,

and I feel like
I wanna keep on.

Only I'm not sure he'd like
the way I'm headin'.

Well, I like
the way you're headin'.

Uh, well--

No fear, Miss Marshall.
Everything will be all right.

I think, one way or another,
I think maybe I will.

- Hi, Dolly.
- Good morning.

Fred, give me
a prairie oyster,
will you?

[ Fred Chuckles ]
Rough night, huh?

- No. Got a touch
of the grippe.
- Yeah. Sure.

I get that myself sometimes.
[ Chuckles ]

What's yours, Flossie?

Huh! Bad night, huh?

Here. You need
a shot of brandy.

Get your heart started.
[ Chuckles ]

What peculiar remedies.
What is a prairie oyster?

Uh-- [ Clears Throat ]
You about through with that
sandwich, Miss Marshall?

Oh.

Mr. Trampas, you look
white as a sheet.

- Do you know those ladies?
- No.

Well, I've seen them.
They work here.

In a saloon?
I declare.

- What do they do?
- They take care
of the customers.

Oh.

What were they doing
upstairs?

Uh, that's, uh--
That's where they live.

Miss Marshall, if we don't
get this sandwich to old Luther,
he's gonna drop dead of hunger.

Well, now,
that's a familiar voice.

I'd know that voice
anywhere.

Trampas, honey.
What are you doing now--
bringing your own?

Whatever does she mean?
Your own what?

Uh, she must be talking
about the sandwich.
I'll pay you later, Fred!

I-It hardly seems likely
that she was referring
to the food.

Trampas! Trampas!

Mr. Watson,
what are you doing out here
in broad daylight?

He's here. He's here.Who's here?

The man
we come to find.Where?

Well, I don't know where,
but there is his horse.

I seen that horse before,
a-at the robbery.

Uh-- It's got a white
streak on his face.

Why don't we just wait
and see who gets on?
Uh, over here.

Oh.

Oh.

Here, Luther.Oh, thanks.

You're welcome.

Luther.

Now, I ain't ever
mistaken no horse.

Looks can be deceivin',
but that is him!

[ Widow Krebs ]
That's him! That's him!

Giddap!

Oh! Great snakes
in the mornin'!
I'm done for.

That must be
the Widow Krebs.

If I'm not mistaken,
the man riding with her
is Mr. Tom Kendrick.

My, he certainly
has changed!

You two-bit, lumbering lout!
How come you get yourself
in a stage robbery?

Mr. Kendrick and me
been looking for you all night.

Well, why would you
want to do that?

Because that lazy, no-good,
dog-in-the-manger sheriff
wouldn't. That's why.

There's no need
to shout, Maybelle.

Mr. Tom Kendrick?
I'm Mary Charles.

Mary Charles? But--

Well, you sure
look different.

Yes, I suppose.

Well, you--
you got prettier.

There's somethin' else.

Yeah. Ye-- You know--
You know what you got
in your face?

You've got character.

Well, you've done
some changing yourself.

I'm sure we're all
gonna be very happy.

What do you mean "we"?[ Mouthing Words ]

I ain't--

Horse thief!

Horse thief!

Horse thief!

It do seem that trouble comes
in bunches, doesn't it?

What are you
talking about, Luther?

It's one of the 10 horses
that she says that I stole.

Well, the other nine
aren't in hiding.
They're in my corral.

And they weren't stolen.

Why, I bought them outright
from this lady here.

Well, I guess you ain't ever
gonna marry me now.

But I ain't gonna
apologize!

When you're none too young
and none too pretty,

you gotta take steps.

All my life, I've been
trying to find a man...

who I could give
somethin' to,

and all my life
I've been finding men
who've givenme things.

All I wanted
was somebody to do for.

[ Crying ]You want to do for me?

[ Sobbing ]
Uh-huh!

[ Crying Continues ]

Don't... cry.

I-- I'll marry you.

Uh-- Uh, Maybelle.
[ Chuckling ]

I-- I never could stand
to see a woman cry.

You mean that's all
I had to do?

I could have done that
months ago!

[ Maybelle Crying ] [ Luther Laughing ]

Wait.

It occurs to me,
Mr. Trampas,

that up to now, Mr. Watson
has made no mistakes...

concerning horses.

No, ma'am. He hasn't.

My horse is out back.
You hit me over the head
and take off for Cheyenne.

When I come to, I'll get
a posse together, and I'll
lead 'em in the other direction.

Where's the goods?We'll settle up later.

Oh, no. None of that.
I want mine now.

If you don't get out of here
now, you ain't gonna have
no share at all.

Hurry up and clobber me
and beat it. [ Trampas ] Ah!

No need to do that. No sense
gettin' a sore head and endin'
up in jail all at the same time.

Put up your hands.No wonder you wouldn't
go after 'em.

How in the name
of heaven--

I never forget
a horse's face.

Human faces sometime,
but never a horse's.

I'm supposed to be
putting youin jail.

It's wonderful the way
things work out sometime,
ain't it?

Now, inside.
Come on.

[ Luther ] Why, you're wrong.
There's just one thing
that worries me.

How is the parson gonna know
which one is the bride?

[ Laughing ]
Well, howdy,
Miss Marshall.

Ma'am. Uh, Trampas,
are you gonna be--

Maybelle?

Well, I never had much time
for female frippery before.

But now that I got a man
to look at me and everything,

I thought maybe I'd better
pretty up some...

so's your eyes won't rove
in the wrong direction.

Well, are you sure
that's you, Maybelle?

I don't like
the looks of that man.

I think you should demand
his credentials.

He's all right.
He's been around for years.I don't know.

There's somethin'
about his teeth.[ Laughs ]

You better be careful.
You're beginnin' to
sound like Luther.

That wouldn't do
for Mrs. Tom Kendrick.

It's gonna be
all right, isn't it--
being Mrs. Tom Kendrick?

I think it's gonna be
a whole lot different than
I ever imagined it would be.

Yes, I think
it's gonna be all right.

But I don't think it would
have been if it hadn't been
for knowing you.

I'm beholden.

You don't
owe me anything.
You just be happy.

[ Stagecoach Driver ]
All aboard that's comin'.

But-- But I thought
her and him--

"Sincerely yours"?

Well,

one good turn
deserves another.

I won't forget you.

I won't
forget you either.

You're really somethin'.

Th-That's a compliment.

[ Driver Shouting ]
Hah! Hah!

So long, Luther!

I'm not gonna apologize
for that.

I learned a lot
from that man.

Oh, honey,
I'm so glad!

Oh! Mr. Kendrick!Honey!

The name is Tom!

Ooh. Don't all that romancin'
give you no ideas, Luther?

Maybelle!
[ Chuckling ]

Mmm!

Ooh! You are
the most magnetic man
I ever saw in all my life!