All language subtitles for Sanet.st.monty.pythons.flying.circus.s02e03.1080p.BluRay.h264-13

[GASPS]

My, isn'tit hot in here?

[0]

And now for something
completely different.

And now for something
more completely different.

Its...

ANNOUNCER:
Monty Python's Flying Circus.

Oh, Mr. Belpit, your legs
are so swollen. Swollen.

Oh, Mr. Belpit.

Oh, Mr. Belpit, your legs
are so swollen.

-Oh, Mr. Belpit--
-Um, excuse me.

Excuse me, um,

I-- I saw your advertisement
for flying lessons

and I'd like to make
an application.

Nothing to do with me.
I'm not in this show.

Oh, I'see.

Wo--
Um--

-Mr. Belpit--
-Mis-- Uh-- Would you--?

Uh-- Uh, do you--?
Do you know about--?

Do you know about
the flying lessons?

No, nothing to do with me.
I'm not in this show.

This is show five,
I'm not in until show eight.

-Oh, I see. -I'm just
leaming my lines, you know?

Oh, Mr.

Oh-- Oh, Mr. Belpt,
your legs--

Uh, bit awkward, huh?

-Yes.
-Um, bit-- I'm a bit stuck.

Well, try over there.

-Oh, Mist--
-Oh, yes, uh, thanks.

-Thanks a lot.
-Oh, Mr. Belpit, your--

Oh, Mr.-- Mr. Belpit,
your legs...

Excuse me.

Uh, I saw your advertisement
for flying lessons,

-Appointment?
-Yes, yes.

Certainly. Would you
come this way, please?

Mr. Jones,
Mr. Barnes.

JONES & BARNES:
Morning.

Morning, Mrs. Wills.

Morning, love.

Take this to marketing,
would you?

[DRILL BUZZING]

SECRETARY:
Just follow me.

MR. CHIGGER:
Oh, thank you.

SECRETARY:
Oh, be careful.

MR. CHIGGER:
Yes, I nearly tripped.

[FOOTSTEPS]

MR. CHIGGER:
Whew.

SECRETARY:
We'll be there soon.

MR. CHIGGER: Good. It is
along way, isn't it?

[METALLIC THUMP]

SECRETARY: Ch, get hold of that.
Watch it.

[CREAKING]

MAN:
Morning.

SECRETARY:
Morning.

Oh, up the stairs.

Be careful, very steep.

Almost there.

MAN:
Morning.

SECRETARY:
Morning.

Will you come this way,
please?

-In here, please.
-Oh, thank you.

Oh, hello. Um, I saw
your advertisement

for flying lessons, and I'd
like to make an appointment.

Well, Mr. Anemone
is on the phone at the moment,

but I'm sure he won't mind
if you go on in.

Through here.
-Thank you.

Oh, I won't be a moment.
Uh, make yourself at home.

No, no. Willy, look,
you can ask Mr. Maudling,

but I'm sure
he'll never agree.

Not for 50 shillings, no. No.

Bye-- Bye-bye, Gordon.
Bye-bye. Oh, dear.

Bye-- Bye-bye.

Missed. Now, Mr...?

-Chigger.
-Mr. Chigger.

-So you want to learn to fly?
-Yes.

Well, up on the table, arms out,
fingers together, knees bent.

-No, no, no.
-Up on the table!

Arms out, fingers together,
knees bent.

Now, head well forward.

Now, flap your arms.
Go on, flap faster.

Faster, faster, faster,
faster, faster, faster!

Now jump!

Rotten, rotten.
You're no bloody use at all.

You're an utter,
bloody washout.

You make me sick,
you weed.

Now, look here.

Allright, all right.
I'l give you one more chance.

Get on the table.

Look, I came here to learn
how to fly an aeroplane.

-A what? -I came to learn
to fly an aeroplane.

Oh, an aeroplane.

Oh, I'say,
we are grand, aren't we?

Oh, oh, no more buttered
scones for me, mater.

I'm off to play
the grand piano.

Pardon me while I fly
my aeroplane.

Now get on the table!

Look, no one in the history
of the world

has ever been able
to fly like that.

Oh, I suppose mater told you
that while you were out riding?

Well, if people can't fly,
what am I doing up here?

You're on a wire.

Oh, a wire,
I'm on a wire, am I?

Of course you're on
a bloody wire.

I am not on a wire.
I am flying.

-You're on a wire!
-I am flying!

You're on a wire! -I'l show you
whether I'm on a wire or not.

-Give me the hoop!
“What?

Oh, I don't suppose
we know what an hoop is.

I suppose pater thought
they were a bit common

except on the bleeding
croquet lawn.

Oh, a hoop.

"Oh, an hoop."

Thank you,
Your bleeding Highness. Now...

-Right the way along. -All
right, all right, all right.

There. Now, where's
the bleeding wire?

That hoop's got a hole in.

Oh, Eton and Magdalene,
the hoop has an hole in.

Of course it's got a hole in.

It wouldn't be a hoop
otherwise, would it, mush?

No, no. There's a gap
in the middle of that.

Oh! Oh, a gap.
A gap in one's hoop.

Pardon me, but I'm off
to play the grand piano.

Look, I can see you have a wire.
Look, there it is.

Look, I told you, you bastard.
I'm not on a wire.

-You are! There is!
-There isn't!

Anyway, this rather
pointless bickering

went on for some time,
unt.

Gosh, I am glad I'm a fully
qualified airline pilot.

The British Airline Pilots
Association

would like to point out
that it takes a chap six years

to become a fully qualified
airline pilot, uh, not two.

Thank you.
I---I didn't want to seem

a bit of an old fusspot
just now, you know,

but, uh, it's just as easy
to get these things right,

as they are easily found
in the BALPA handbook.

Oh, uh, one other thing,

in the Sherlock Holmes
last week,

Tommy Cooper told a joke
about a charter flight,

omitting to point out that one must
be a member of any organization

that charters a plane for
at least six months beforehand

before being able
to take advantage of it.

Did rather spoil the joke
for me, I'm afraid.

[RINGS]

Yes? Ah, yes. Yes. Uh, my wife
has just reminded me

that on a recent
High Chaparral,

Kathy Kirby was singing
glibly about,

"Fly Me to the Stars,"
uh, when, of course,

there are no scheduled flights
of this kind, or even chartered,

available to the general
public at the present moment.

Although, of course,
when there are,

BALPA will be in the vanguard.

[LAUGHS]
Or the trident.

Little joke for the chaps
up at BALPA house.

Now, one other small point.

Uh, why is it that these new
Lurex dancing tights

go baggy at the knees after
only a couple of evenings' fun?

Bring back the old
canvas ones, I say.

Itis incredible, isn't it,
that in these days

when man can walk on the moon
and work out

the most complicated
hire-purchase agreements,

I still get these terrible
headaches?

All right, I seem
to have wandered a bit.

Uh, but still, uh, no harm
done. Jolly good luck.

[KNOCK]

ZANIE: Are you going to be
in there all day?

[BANGS LOUDER]

Other people want to go,
you know!

The door's jammed,
if you ask me.

Oh, that's better.
Oh, my God.

Oh, uh, I'm terribly sorry.

I thought this was the bally toilet.
[LAUGHS]

This is the control cabin.

Oh, I know that.
I'm a flying man, you know.

[LAUGHS]
Yes.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Bally stupid mistake.

Cloud's heavy,
what's the reading?

Uh, 4.8 steady.

If they had all these dials
in the toilet,

there wouldn't be room for
anything else, would there?

Geneva, this is Roger Five-O,
what is your cloud reading?

Hello, Geneva?

I wouldn't fancy flying one
of these sitting on the toilet.

I mean, it-- Itd take
the glamour

out of being a pilot,
wouldn't it?

Flying around the world
sitting on a toilet.

WOMAN:
Geneva here. 4.9, heavy, over?

Is it serious?

No, not if it keeps
at that level, no.

Mind you, if you did fly it
from the toilet, uh,

it would leave a lot more
space up here, wouldn't it?

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I'd better get
back to the cabin, then.

Uh, sorry about
the silly intrusion.

Bally stupid.
[CHUCKLES]

Door's jammed.

[SCREAMS]

Bally piece of luck.

Oh, hello. Everything
all right at the back?

Yes, they're as quiet
as dormice.

Dormice?

Allright,
don't anybody move.

Uh, except to control
the aeroplane.

You can move a little
to do that.

-Can I move?
-Uh, yes. Yes.

Yes, you can move
alittle bit. Yes.

Sorry, I didn't mean to be quite
so dogmatic when I came in.

Obviously you can all move
alittle, within reason.

You know, there are
involuntary muscular movements

that no amount of self-control
can prevent.

And obviously any assertion
of authority on my part,

I've got to take that
into account.

Right, I mean, one couldn't
stop one's insides from moving.

No, no. Good point,
good point.

And the very fact that the plane
is continuously vibrating

means that we're all
moving to an extent.

And, uh, we're all moving
our lips, aren't we?

ALL:
Yes. Absolutely.

No, no, the gist of my meaning
was that sudden, uh...

-Exaggerated movements.
-Exaggerated, violent movements

are-- are-- are out.

Well, that's the great thing
about these modern airliners.

I mean, I can keep
this plane flying

with only the smallest
movement.

And Pancho here
doesn't have to move at all.

Oh, that's--
That's marvelous.

Oh, and I don't really need
to move either.

Unless I get an itch
or something.

[ALL LAUGH]

Well, uh, that's wonderful.

Sixty percent success, eh?

ALL LAUGH]
-Sixty percent, yeah.

Oh, dear. Anyway,
bearing all that in mind,

will you fly this plane,
uh, to Luton, please?

Well, this is a scheduled
flight to Cuba.

Uh, Tknow, I know.

Uh, that's rather why I--
I came in here

with that point
about nobody moving.

-Oh, I see.
-Uh, within reason.

-Within reason, yes, yes, yes.
-Within reason, right. Yes.

You know, I want you

to fly this plane
to Luton, uh, please.

Well, I'd better turn
the plane around, then.

Stand by, emergency systems.

Look, I don't want to cause
any trouble.

No, no. We'll manage,
we'll manage.

I mean, near Luton will do,
you know.

Harpenden,
do you go near Harpenden?

-Uh, it's on the flight path.
-Okay, well, drop me off there.

I'l get a bus to Luton.
It's only 25 minutes.

-Oh, you can be in Luton by lunchtime.
-Oh, well, that's smashing.

Oh, uh, hang on. There's
no airport at Harpenden.

Oh, well, lock, forget it.
Forget it. I'l come to Cuba

and get a flight back to Luton
from there.

Well, we could lend you
a parachute.

No, no, no.
No, wouldn't dream of it.

-Dirty a nice, clean parachute.
-I know, I know.

There's a bale of hay
outside Basingstoke.

Right.
-We could throw you out.

Well, if it's all right.
-Sure, yeah.

-It's not any trouble?
-No, no, none at all.

That's marvelous.
Thank you very much.

-Sorry to come barging in.
No, no, no. Fine.

-Bye-bye.
-Okay. Bye-bye.

-So long.
-Bye-bye.

GUNMAN [SCREAMING]:
Thank you!

Take this bus to Cuba.

[0]

NARRATOR: From these
glens and scars,

the sound of the coot and the
moorhen is seldom absent.

Nature sits in stern mastery
over these rocks and crags.

The rush
of the mountain stream,

the bleat of the sheep

and the broad,
clear Highland skies,

reflected in
tarn and loch,

form the breathtaking backdrop
against which Ewan McTeagle

writes such poems as "Lend Us a
Quid Titf the End of the Week."

But it was with more simple,
homespun verses

that McTeagle's unique style
first flowered.

McTEAGLE: If you could see your
way to fending me Sixpence,

I could at least
buy a newspaper.

That's not much to ask
anyone.

NARRATOR: One woman who remembers
McTeagle as a young friend,

Lassie O'Shen.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, uh, Mr. McTeagle
wrote me two poems

between the months
of January and April 1969.

Could you read us one?

Oh, I I don't like to,
though.

They were kind of personal.
But I will.

"To my own beloved Lassie,

a poem on her 17th birthday.

Lend us a couple of hob
till Thursday.

I'm absolutely skint.

But I'm expecting
a postal order,

and I can pay you back
as soon as it comes.

Love, Ewan."

NARRATOR:
Beautiful.

[GROWLS]

[SCREAMS]

Since then, uh, McTeagle has
developed his literary scope.

Three years ago he concerned
himself with quite small sums:

Quick bits of ready cash,
sixpences, shillings.

But more recently
he has turned

his extraordinary
literary perception

to much larger sums:
um, 15 shillings,

4 pounds, even nine guineas.

But there is still nothing
to match the huge sweep,

the majestic power of what
is surely his greatest work:

"Can I Have 50 Pounds
to Mend the Shed?"

Can I have 50 pounds
to mend the shed?

I'm right on my uppers.

I can pay you back
when this postal order

comes From Australia.

Honestly.

Hope the bladder trouble's

getting better.

Love, Ewan.

NARRATOR:
There seems to be no end

fo McTeagle's poetic
invention.

"My New Checkbook
Hasn't Arrived”

was followed up by the
brilliantly allegorical:

"What's Twenty Quid
to the Bloody Midland Bank?"

And more recently
his prizewinning poem

to the Arts Council:

"Can You Lend Me
a Thousand Quid?"

I think what McTeagle's
pottery-- Uh, poetry is doing

is rejecting
all the traditional clichés

of modern pottery.

No longer do we have to
be content

with Keats' "Seasons of Mists
and Mellow Fruitfulness.”

Wordsworth's "l wandered
lonely as a cloud..."

And Milton's "Can You Lend
Us Two Bob Till Tuesday?"

McTEAGLE: Oh, give to me a
shilling for some fags,

and I'l pay you back
on Thursday.

But if you can wait
{ill Saturday,

I'm expecting a divvy from the
Harpenden Building Society.

It's not much for getting
this 2 bob I asked you.

Working figs fo the bone.

[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

As a Highlander

I would like to complain
about some acc inaccuracies

in the preceding film about
the poet Ewan McTeagle.

Although his name was quite
clearly given as McTeagle,

he was, uh, throughout,
wearing the Cameron tartan.

Also, I would like to point out
that the BALPA spokesman

who complained about
aeronautical inaccuracies

was himself wearing
a captain's hat,

whereas he only had
lieutenant's stripes

on the sleeves of his jacket.

Also, in the Invemess
pantomime last Christmas,

the part of Puss in Boots was
played by a native of New Guinea

with a plate in her lip.

So that every time Dick Whittington
gave her a French kiss,

he got the back
of his throat scraped.

It's, uh... it's all right.
I, uh... 1am a doctor.

[DOCTOR CLEARS THROAT]

Actually, I'm a gynecologist,
but this is my lunch hour.

[CHEWING]

I have a nasty feeling
I am somebody's lunch hour.

[GULPS]

[MURMURS INDISTINCTLY]

Actually, I find violence
extremely distasteful.

Butit was the only part
offered, and I need the work.

[HONKING]

[0]

[GIGGLING]

[WHISTLING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake,
baker's man.

Good morning.
I'm a psychiatrist.

Oh, you look like
amilkman to me.

Good. I am, in fact,
dressed as a milkman.

-You spotted that. Well done.
-Go away!

Now, then, madam, I'm going
to show you three numbers,

and I want you to tell me if you
see any similarity between them.

They're all number three.

No. Try again.

They're all number three?

No. They're all
number three.

Right, now, I'm--
I'm going to say a word,

and I want you to say
the first thing

that comes into your head.

-How many pints do you want?
-Uh, three?

-Yogurt?
No.

Cream? Eggs?
-No. No.

You're clearly suffering

from a repressive
libido complex,

probably the result of a product
of an unhappy childhood,

coupled with acute insecurity
in adolescence,

resulting in an attenuation
of the libido complex.

You are a bloody milkman.

Don't you shout at me, madam.

Don't come that tone.

Now, then, I must ask you
10 accompany me

down to the dairy
and do some aptitude tests.

I've got better things to do
than come down to the dairy.

Mrs. Ratbag, if you don't mind
me saying so,

you're badly in need of an expensive
course of psychiatric treatment.

Now, I'm not going to say a trip
to our dairy will cure you,

but it will give hundreds of
lower-paid workers a good laugh.

Well, all right, but how
am I going to get home?

I'l run you there and back
on my psychiatrist float.

Allright.

[CAT MEOWS]

What are all those?

They're case histories.

[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

MILKMAN: Psychiatrists!
Psychiatrists!

-Yes, sir?
-Oh, good morning.

I'm afraid our regular
psychiatrist hasn't come round,

I've got an ego block which is
making my wife over-assertive

and getting us both in the
state of depressive neurosis.

Oh, I see. So who's
your regular, sir?

Uh, Jersey Cream
Psychiatrists.

Oh, yes, I know them.

Right, well, uh,
what's your job, then?

I'm a doctor.

Didn't I just see you just now
under a Scotsman?

Uh, yes, but I am a doctor.

Actually, I'm a gynecologist,
but that was my lunch hour.

What does this
remind you of?

Two pints of cream.

Right. Well, I should
definitely say

you're suffering from a severe
personality disorder, sir,

sublimating itself
in a lactic obsession,

which could get worse depending
on how much money you've got.

Yes. Yes, I see.

And a pot of yogurt,
please.

I would like to take
this opportunity

of complaining about
the way in which these shows

are continually portraying
psychiatrists

who make pat diagnoses
of patients' problems

without first obtaining
their full medical history.

Mind you, that's just
a pat diagnosis

made without first obtaining
your full medical history.

I feel the time has come
to complain about people

who make rash complaints
without first making sure

that those complaints
are justified.

Are you referring to me?

Not necessarily. However,

I would like to point out
that the BALPA spokesman

was wearing the British
Psychiatric Association

Dinner Dance Club cuff links.

Mm, yes, I noticed that too.

Uh, these are not British
Psychiatric Association

Dinner Dance Club
cuff links.

Sorry.

They are in fact

British Sugar Corporation

Gilbert and Sullivan
Society cuff links.

It's in fact a sort of in-joke
with us lads here at BALPA.

I think the last speaker
should have checked his facts

before making his own
rash complaint.

Yeah, that will teach him.

However, I would just like
10 add a complaint

about shows which have
too many complaints in them,

as they get tedious
for the average viewer.

I'd like to complain
about people who hold things up

by complaining about people
complaining.

It's about time something
was done about it.

MILKMAN:
Nurse?

Would you take Mrs. Pim
to see Dr. Cream, please?

Oh, certainly, Doctor.
Walk this way, please.

Oh, if I could walk
that way, I--

Mrs. Pim to see you,
Dr. Cream.

Ah, yes. I just want another
five minutes with Audrey.

Could you show Mrs. Pim
into the waiting room, please?

Yes, Doctor.

Allright, Audrey.

When did you first start
thinking you were a cow?

Hey, it's Mr. Belpit.
His legs are so swollen.

BISHOP:
oy!

Mr. Belpit, your great legs

is all swollen.

Ah, Mr. Belpit,

your legs
are all swollen.

Good evening.
Tonight on it's the Mind,

we examine the
phenomenon of déja vu.

That strange feeling
we sometimes get

that we've lived
through something before.

That what is happening now
has already happened tonight.

On It's the Mind, we examine
the phenomenon of déja vu.

That strange feeling
we sometimes get that we've--

Anyway, tonight
on It's the Mind,

we examine the phenomenon
of déja vu. That strange

Good evening.
Tonight on it's the Mind,

we examine the
phenomenon of déja vu.

That strange feeling we
sometime--

-s get...

that we've lived through
something.

Good ev-- Goo-- Goo--
Good evening, ahem.

Tonight on it's the Mind,
we examine the phenomenon of...

[STUTTERS]

[STUTTERS]
Déja vu.

That extraordinary feeling...

-Quite extraordinary.
RINGS]

Uh, no, fine, thanks. Fine.

Oh, thank you.

Ahem, that strange feeling
we sometimes get

that we've lived through
something before.

-And b--
RINGS]

No, fine, thank you. Fine.

Thank you.

-That strange feeling--
RINGS]

No, fine, thank you. Fine.

Thank you. Ah!

Look, uh, something's
happening to me. I-/--

Um, I think I'd better
go and see someone.

Uh, goo-- Good night.

RINGS]
[SCREAMS]

Hey, hey!

Oy! Haven't I seen you
somewhere before?

No, Doctor. No.

Something very funny
is happening to me.

[SCREAMS]

Hey!

Oy! Haven't I seen you
somewhere before?

No, Doctor. No.

Something very funny
is happening to me.

[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, Mr. Belpit, your legs
are so swollen.

[EXPLOSIONS]

Ah, come in. Now, what
seems to be the matter?

I have this terrible
feeling of déja vu.

Ah, come in. Now, what
seems to be the matter?

I have this terrible
feeling of déja vu. I

[0]

Ah, come in. Now, what
seems to be the matter?

I have this terrible
feeling of déja vu. I

[FART]