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1
00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:35,798
[RHYTHMIC WHIRRING]
2
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,796
[HUMMING]
3
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:31,557
[HUMMING INCREASES]
4
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:33,238
[HUMMING STOPS]
5
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,471
[SEAGULLS CAWING]
6
00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:50,437
And now for something
completely different.
7
00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:52,073
Its...
8
00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:54,350
[JOHN PHILIP SOUSA'S
"LIBERTY BELL" PLAYING]
9
00:01:56,320 --> 00:02:00,632
NARRATOR: Monty Python's
Flying Circus-sss.
10
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,390
[FART]
11
00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:26,670
[0]
12
00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:44,071
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Come in.
13
00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:47,509
Trouble at mill.
14
00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:49,597
Oh, no.
What sort of trouble?
15
00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:51,358
One of crossbeams
gone out askew on treadle.
16
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:52,720
Pardon?
17
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:57,189
I don't understand
what you're saying.
18
00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,312
One of the crossheams has gone
out askew on the treadle.
19
00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:02,397
Well, what on earth
does that mean?
20
00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:04,795
I don't know. Mr. Wentworth
told me to come in here
21
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,718
and say that there was trouble
at the mil, that's all.
22
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,149
I didn't expect a kind
of Spanish Inquisition.
23
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:12,716
[0]
24
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:16,071
Nobody expects
the Spanish Inquisition.
25
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,031
Qur chief weapon is surprise.
26
00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:19,479
Surprise and fear.
Fear and surprise.
27
00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:21,557
Our two weapons
are fear and surprise.
28
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,193
And ruthless efficiency.
29
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:26,198
Our three weapons
are fear and surprise
30
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:27,674
and ruthless efficiency.
31
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,154
And an almost fanatical
devotion to the pope.
32
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:31,111
Uh! Four. No.
33
00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:32,992
Amongst our weapons...
34
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,032
Amongst our weaponry are
35
00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:39,276
such elements as fear, su--
Il come in again.
36
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:47,429
I didn't expect
a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
37
00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:50,711
[0]
38
00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:53,639
Nobody expects
the Spanish Inquisition.
39
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:56,798
Amongst our weaponry
are such diverse elements
40
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:59,434
as fear, surprise,
ruthless efficiency,
41
00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:01,391
and almost fanatical devotion
to the pope.
42
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:03,238
And nice red uniforms.
Oh, damn!
43
00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:05,954
I-I can't say it,
you'll have to say it.
44
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,479
What?
45
00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:09,193
You'll have to say the bit,
"Our chief weapons are:"
46
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,191
Why, I couldn't do that.
47
00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,240
I didn't expect
a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
48
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:22,159
[0]
49
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,714
Uh-uh, nobody, um...
50
00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:26,671
Expects.
-Um, expects.
51
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:29,798
Nobody expects
the, um, Spanish, um...
52
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,310
“Inquisition.
-I know, I know.
53
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,470
Nobody expects
the Spanish inquisition.
54
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,750
-In fact, those who do--
-Our chief weapons are...
55
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:40,037
Qur chief weapons are, um...
Uh... Su--
56
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,639
-Surprise.
Surprise.
57
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:44,399
That's it. Stop, stop.
Stop there. Stop there. Stop.
58
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,550
Our chief weapon
is surprise...
59
00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,113
Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
60
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:52,393
Cardinal, read the charges.
61
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,511
"You are hereby charged
that you did,
62
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:56,790
“on diverse dates,
commit heresy
63
00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:58,672
against the Holy Church."
64
00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:01,234
-I My old man-- 0
-That's enough.
65
00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:08,351
Now...
how do you plead?
66
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:09,959
We're innocent.
67
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,355
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]
68
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:17,991
We'll soon change your mind
about that!
69
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:22,359
Fear, surprise,
and a most ruthless... Ooh!
70
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:25,793
Now.
71
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:29,516
Cardinal, the rack.
72
00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:33,349
[GRUNTING]
73
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,554
You...
74
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,279
Right.
75
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:47,791
Tie her down.
76
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:54,033
[MEN LAUGHING
AND GRUNTING]
77
00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:09,715
Right.
78
00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:13,238
How do you plead?
79
00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:14,350
Innocent.
80
00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:16,556
Ha! Right!
81
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:20,758
Cardinal, give the rack--
Oh, dear.
82
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:22,711
Give the rack...
83
00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,115
-a tun.
Hl
84
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,356
I know. I know you can't.
I didn't want to say anything.
85
00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:30,472
-l just wanted fo try and ignore
your crass mistake. -I-/--
86
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,113
It makes it all
seem so stupid.
87
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:33,434
Shall I, um--?
88
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:36,074
Oh, God, just pretend,
for God's sake.
89
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:37,718
[LAUGHING]
90
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,356
[DOORBELL RINGS]
91
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,793
Ah, hello. Uh, you don't
know me, but I'm from the BBC.
92
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:56,758
Um, we were wondering if
you'd come and answer the door
93
00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:59,314
in a sketch over there
in that sort of direction?
94
00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:01,510
You wouldn't have to do anything,
just open the door and that's it.
95
00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:04,439
-Oh, well, all right, yes.
-Jolly good, come this way.
96
00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:09,273
Yes, uh, we're on film
at the moment, you see?
97
00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:11,072
It's a link, is it?
98
00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:13,071
Yes, that's right, that sort of thing.
Yes, a link.
99
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:16,078
Uh, it's all a bit zany, you
know, a bit madcap funster.
100
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:18,760
I don't fully understand it myself.
The kids seem to like it.
101
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,997
I much prefer, uh,
Des O'Connor,
102
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,236
Rolf Harris, Tom Jones,
you know...
103
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:25,317
[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
104
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,752
[ENGINE STARTS]
105
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:53,713
You do a lot of this
sort of thing, do you?
106
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,189
Quite a lot, yes, quite a lot.
I'm mainly in comedy.
107
00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:58,550
Uh, I'd like to be in
program planning, actually,
108
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,991
but, uh, unfortunately,
I've got a degree.
109
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:29,992
[DOORBELL RINGS]
110
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,554
Joke, sir?
Guaranteed amusing.
111
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:34,597
As used by the crowned heads
of Europe.
112
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:37,035
Has brought tears
to the eyes of royalty.
113
00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:40,198
"Denmark has never laughed
so much.” The Stage.
114
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:41,719
Nice little novelty number,
115
00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:44,479
a "naughty Humphrey."
Breaks the ice at parties.
116
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:47,273
Put it on the table,
press the button, it vomits.
117
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,318
Absolutely guaranteed.
With refills.
118
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,351
Black soap,
leave it in the bathroom,
119
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:53,629
they wash their hands,
120
00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:55,318
real fungus grows
on the fingers.
121
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:56,634
Can't get it off for hours.
122
00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:58,512
Guaranteed to
break the ice at parties.
123
00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:00,949
Frighten the elderly.
Real snakes.
124
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,758
Comedy-hernia kit.
125
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,554
Plastic flesh wounds, just
keep your friends in stitches.
126
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,279
Guaranteed to
break the ice at parties.
127
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,675
Hours of fun with
"Honeymoon Delight."
128
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,951
Empty into thelr beds,
real skunk juice.
129
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,957
They won't forget
their wedding night.
130
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,991
Sticks to the skin,
absolutely waterproof,
131
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:20,429
guaranteed to
break the ice at parties.
132
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:23,558
Amuse your friends.
CS gas canisters.
133
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:25,989
Smells, tastes and acts
just like the real thing.
134
00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:28,077
Can blind, maim or kill
135
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:30,111
Or for drinks, why not buy
a Wicked Willy,
136
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:31,554
with a life-size winkle?
137
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:34,160
Serves warm beer.
Makes real cocktails.
138
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:35,594
Hours of amusement.
139
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,392
Or get the new
Pooh-Pooh Machine.
140
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:39,954
Embarrass your guests,
completely authentic sound.
141
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,230
Or why not try
anew Naughty Nightie.
142
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:45,477
Putiton and it melts.
Just watch their faces.
143
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:48,194
Guaranteed to break the ice
at naughty parties.
144
00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:54,676
-Go on, go on.
What?
145
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,438
Do the punch line.
146
00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:57,550
What punch line?
147
00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:00,069
The punch line for this bit.
148
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,469
I don't know it. They didn't say
anything about a punch line.
149
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:05,440
Oh!
150
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:06,754
Uh, well, in that case,
151
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:10,191
I'l be saying, uh,
goodbye then, sir.
152
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,117
Goodbye, then, sir.
153
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:14,680
It's funny they didn't say...
154
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,395
-What's the punch line?
Punch line?
155
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,511
I don't think there's a punch
line scheduled, is there?
156
00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:28,439
Where are we?
Week 39.4, no.
157
00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:31,074
It's Friday,
isn't it? 39.7.
158
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:34,715
Uh... Here we are.
159
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,518
Oh.
160
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,796
[LAUGHING]
161
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:46,314
Oh, very good.
Oh, very good.
162
00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:49,034
What a good punch line. Ah.
Pity we missed that.
163
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:50,832
Still, uh, never mind,
we can always do it again.
164
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:54,317
Make a series out of it.
Now, if you'll just sign there,
165
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:57,318
I'l put this through
to our contracts department,
166
00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:00,990
and, uh, you should be hearing
from them in a year or two.
167
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:02,439
Can you give me
a lift back?
168
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,630
Ah, can do. But won't.
169
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:06,751
Uh, we were wondering
if we could possibly
170
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,791
borrow your head
for a piece of animation.
171
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,469
-What? -Oh, jolly good.
Thanks very, very, very much.
172
00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:14,080
Ah!
-You will get expenses.
173
00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:16,509
Ah! Ant Ah!
174
00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:21,037
[GROANING]
175
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,155
[ENGINE RUMBLING]
176
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:36,160
MAN 1: Sergeant, somehow we've
got to get in there and get it.
177
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,271
MAN 2: I know, but it's
going to be difficult.
178
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,317
-MAN 1: You'll need some diversion.
-MAN 2: Yes, sir. But what?
179
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:42,556
MAN 1: Well, we could, uh--
No, no, no, it's got to be
180
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:45,672
No, not right.
Wait, I've got it.
181
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,189
[0]
182
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:05,154
Well done, soldier.
Load and fire.
183
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:07,476
Yes, sir.
184
00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:08,999
Fire.
185
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:14,516
MAN:
Ah! Ready, aim, fire!
186
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:17,996
We are not amused.
187
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,510
[MAN HUMMING]
188
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:38,359
[MAN CLEARS THROAT]
189
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:43,838
Gentlemen, our MP
saw the PM this a.m.,
190
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,600
and the PM wants more
LSD from the PIB
191
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,631
by tomorrow a.m.
or p.m. at the latest.
192
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:51,638
I, uh, told the PM's PPS
that a.m. was NBG
193
00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:54,433
so tomorrow p.m. itis
for the PM nem. con.
194
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:58,075
Give us a fag
or I'l go spare.
195
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:01,112
Now, the fiscal deficit,
196
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,276
uh, with regard
to the monetary balance
197
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,709
the current financial year,
excluding invisible exports,
198
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:08,036
adjusted, of course,
for seasonal variations
199
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:09,474
and the incremental
statistics
200
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:11,477
of the fiscal
and revenue arrangements
201
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:13,193
for the forthcoming
annual budgetary period
202
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:14,560
terminating in April.
203
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:17,718
I-I think he's talking
about taxation.
204
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:21,276
Bravo, Madge. Well done.
205
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:24,517
Taxation is indeed
the very nub of my gist.
206
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:28,559
Gentlemen, we have to
find something new to tax.
207
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,238
I understood that.
208
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,715
Uh, if I might put my head
on the chopping block
209
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,434
-50 you can kick it around a bit, sir.
-Mm-hm.
210
00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:39,030
Um, well, most things we do for
pleasure nowadays are taxed.
211
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,230
Except one.
212
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:43,429
What do you mean?
213
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,552
Well, uh,
smoking's been taxed.
214
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:50,639
Drinking's been taxed.
But, uh, not, uh...
215
00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:52,114
thingy.
216
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,475
You're not suggesting
we should tax...
217
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:02,630
thingy?
218
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:04,478
Pooh-poohs?
219
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,158
No!
220
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:09,278
Thank God for that.
Excuse me for a moment.
221
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:13,034
No, no, no. Thingy.
222
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,309
Number ones?
223
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,795
No. Thingy.
224
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,513
Thingy.
225
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,790
Oh!
226
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,276
Thingy.
227
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,078
Well, itll certainly
make chartered accountancy
228
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:27,031
a more interesting job.
229
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:30,152
[GRUNTING]
I would put a tax...
230
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,079
on all people...
231
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,033
who stand in water.
232
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,229
Ooh!
233
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:46,398
To boost the British economy,
234
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,233
I'd tax all foreigners
living abroad.
235
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:55,038
I would tax the nude
in my bed.
236
00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:57,515
No, not tax.
237
00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:01,155
What is the word? Um...
Welcome.
238
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:05,637
I would tax Raquel Welch.
239
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:07,990
And I've a feeling
she'd tax me.
240
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:12,159
I would bring back hanging
and go into rope.
241
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,720
I would cut off the more
disreputable parts of the body
242
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:17,195
and use the space
for playing fields.
243
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:20,358
I would tax holiday snaps.
244
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,232
[CAMERA CLICKS]
245
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:27,434
This is Uncle Ted
in front of the house.
246
00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,711
This is Uncle Ted
at the back of the house.
247
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:33,798
And this is Uncle Ted
at the side of the house.
248
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:37,755
This is Uncle Ted back again
at the front of the house,
249
00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:40,314
but you can see
the side of the house.
250
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:43,278
And this is Uncle Ted even
nearer the side of the house,
251
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:46,233
but you can still
see the front.
252
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,749
This is the back of the
house, with Uncle Ted
253
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:53,112
coming round the side
to the front.
254
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,470
And this is
the Spanish Inquisition
255
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,670
hiding behind
the coal shed.
256
00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:01,111
Oh, I didn't expect
the Spanish Inquisition.
257
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,993
[0]
258
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:06,554
Nobody expects
the Spanish Inquisition.
259
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:15,393
[NARRATOR RECITING]
260
00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:49,996
[MAN LAUGHING]
261
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:57,669
Ha!
262
00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,996
Now, old woman,
263
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,355
you are accused of heresy
on three counts.
264
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:03,674
Heresy by thought,
heresy by word,
265
00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:05,279
heresy by deed
and heresy by action.
266
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:06,719
Four counts.
267
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:09,480
Do you confess?
268
00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:11,949
I don't understand
what I'm accused of.
269
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,354
[LAUGHING]
Ha!
270
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:16,711
Then we shall
make you understand.
271
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:18,631
Biggles...
272
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:23,313
Fetch... the cushions.
273
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:26,557
[0]
274
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,557
Here they are, lord.
275
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:31,160
Now, old lady,
you have one last chance.
276
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:32,998
Confess the heinous sin
of heresy,
277
00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:35,316
reject the works of the
ungodly-- Two last chances.
278
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:38,034
And you shall be free.
Three last chances.
279
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:39,713
You have three last chances
280
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,070
the nature of which I have
divulged in my previous utterance.
281
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:44,077
I don't know what
you're talking about.
282
00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:45,349
Right!
283
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:49,314
If that's the way
you want it. Cardinal...
284
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:52,676
poke her
with the soft cushions!
285
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:54,233
[LAUGHING]
286
00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:00,113
Itisn't hurting her,
lord.
287
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:01,639
Have you got all the stuffing
up one end?
288
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:03,159
Yes, lord.
289
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:08,032
Hm. She's made
of harder stuff.
290
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:09,753
Cardinal Fang,
291
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:14,630
fetch the comfy chair.
292
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:21,071
The comfy chair?
293
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:22,190
Yes.
294
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:30,713
-Ha-ha!
-Ha-ha!
295
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,637
So, you think
you are strong
296
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:35,354
because you can survive
the soft cushions.
297
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,994
Well, we shall see.
298
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:41,999
Biggles! Put her
in the comfy chair!
299
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,033
Now,
300
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:48,317
you will stay in the comfy
chair until lunchtime,
301
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:50,590
with only a cup of coffee
at 11:00
302
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:52,631
-Is that really all it is?
-Oh, yes, lord.
303
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:56,116
I see. I suppose we make it
worse by shouting a lot, do we?
304
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:01,671
Confess, woman.
305
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:04,360
Confess. Confess!
306
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:08,398
Oh, I confess!
307
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:09,549
Not you!
308
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:10,749
I confess.
309
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,633
Who was that?
310
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:14,079
I confess.
311
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,190
[BUZZER]
312
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:16,310
Ooo.
313
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:19,955
['GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" PLAYING]
314
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:32,037
BUZZER]
-Ooo.
315
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,437
I confess.
316
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,197
I confess.
317
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,032
I confess.
318
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:49,072
Well, madame, I'm glad
you've come to see me.
319
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:51,191
As a doctor, I shall
be trying to help you
320
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:54,278
and do everything I can to
assist you in any way I can.
321
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:57,073
Of course,
in the medical profession--
322
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,310
Very high stakes--
323
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,550
Would you repeat that?
I'm a bit deaf.
324
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,637
Now, the BMA, the
British Medical Association
325
00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:07,591
Louder, please.
I still can't hear.
326
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,075
Now, I do make certain
charm...
327
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:13,158
-Speak up. I can't hear you.
I'm deaf, I say. -I confess!
328
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:16,118
I can't hear a word you're saying.
You have to speak louder. Oh!
329
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:19,232
MAN:
Now, for the very first time
330
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,556
on the silver screen,
comes the film
331
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:25,036
from two books that once
shocked a generation.
332
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,469
From Emily Bronte's
Wuthering Heights
333
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:31,036
and from the International
Guide to Semaphore Code,
334
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,276
Twentieth Century Vole
presents:
335
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:36,511
The Semaphore Version
of Wuthering Heights.
336
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:41,117
[0]
337
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,989
From the pulsating pages
of history,
338
00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:20,509
from the dark and furious
days of Imperial Rome,
339
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:23,279
we bring you a story
that shattered the world.
340
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:26,119
A tale so gripping that they
said it could not be filmed.
341
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,549
A unique event
in cinema history.
342
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:31,592
Julius Caesar
on an Aldis Lamp.
343
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:01,478
From the makers of
344
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:04,751
Gunfight at O.K. Coral
in Morse Code.
345
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:22,391
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
346
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:25,114
have you reached a verdict?
347
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:26,514
We have, my lord.
348
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:28,272
And how do you find
the defendant?
349
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:32,995
Two words. First word.
350
00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:38,440
Rope? String?
351
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:41,640
Point?
352
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,109
Belt?
353
00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:46,231
Tie?
354
00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:47,435
Cravat? Silk square?
355
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:50,270
Knot?
356
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:53,073
[APPLAUSE]
Knot. Knot.
357
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:57,433
Second word.
Two syllables.
358
00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:58,709
First syllable.
359
00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:05,111
Bird?
360
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:06,559
Swimmer?
361
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:08,193
Breaststroke.
362
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:09,389
Brian Phelps.
363
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:11,033
No, no, no,
he was a diver.
364
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,151
-Esther Williams, then.
-No, no, don't be silly.
365
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:15,476
How can you find someone
Not Esther Williams?
366
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:16,794
Fish.
367
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,594
Fish... wheeze.
368
00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:21,631
-Fish wheeze?
ACTOR GASPING]
369
00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:23,079
Fish breathe.
370
00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:25,077
Fish breathe throat.
371
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:28,078
Fish breathe throat?
Gill!
372
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:30,549
-Gilll
Gill.
373
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:33,113
Not gill.
374
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,356
Second syllable.
375
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,551
Not gill.
376
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:42,120
Drink.
377
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:45,032
Sip? Imbibe?
378
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,151
MAN 1:
Not gill...
379
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:49,396
Cup!
Not gill-cup!
380
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:52,034
You've been found
not gill-cup
381
00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:53,400
of the charges
brought against you
382
00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:55,556
and may leave
this court a free man.
383
00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:01,274
Right. My turn.
384
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,317
Four words.
385
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:06,509
Uh, first word "shout"?
386
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,949
-Bellow?
-Call?
387
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,992
Call
APPLAUSE]
388
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:15,476
Second word is very small.
389
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:16,715
Um. A?
390
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:18,592
-An?
Up?
391
00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:20,392
The? The!
392
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,357
Call the.
393
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:24,710
Third word.
394
00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:26,592
Gill?
395
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:27,710
Fish?
396
00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:30,479
-Adam's apple.
Neck.
397
00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:31,675
Sounds like neck?
398
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:33,199
Next.
399
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:34,389
Call the next!
400
00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:37,193
[APPLAUSE]
401
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:41,359
Fourth word, three syllables.
First syllable.
402
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:44,756
-Uh, ear?
Hear. Can't hear.
403
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:47,110
Deaf?
404
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:48,719
-MAN 2: Deaf!
[APPLAUSE]
405
00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:51,559
Call the next deaf...
406
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:54,797
-Uh, bottom?
-Seat?
407
00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:57,030
Trouser? Cheek?
408
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:59,549
End! Call the next def-end!
409
00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:02,519
ALL:
Ant!
410
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:05,280
Very good.
411
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:09,109
Call the next defendant!
Call the next defendant.
412
00:26:09,120 --> 00:26:11,999
The Honorable
Mr. Justice Kilbraken.
413
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,151
If I may charge you, my lord?
414
00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:20,634
You are charged, my lord,
415
00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:23,035
that on the fourteenth day
of June, 1970,
416
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:25,640
at the Central Criminal Court,
you did commit acts
417
00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:28,069
likely to cause a breach
of the peace.
418
00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:30,999
How plead you, my lord,
quilty or not guilty?
419
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:34,192
Not guilty. Case not proven.
Court adjourned.
420
00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:38,071
JUDGE: No, no, no,
no, No, no, no, no.
421
00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:40,151
No-no. No.
422
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:42,077
No, you're in the dock,
my lord.
423
00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:43,315
I'm a judge, my lord.
424
00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:45,636
So am I, my lord. So watch it.
425
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:47,318
Ha! Call this a court?
426
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:48,549
MAN 1:
Call this a court.
427
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:50,312
ALL:
Call this a court.
428
00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:53,159
Shut up. Right.
Now, get on with the spiel.
429
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:55,276
My lord, and my other lord,
430
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,277
uh, the prosecution will
endeavor to show, my lord,
431
00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:59,118
that my lord--
Uh, not you, my lord.
432
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:01,390
That my lord, my lord.
While passing sentence
433
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:04,478
at the Central Criminal Court
blotted his copybook.
434
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:06,431
Call exhibit Q.
435
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:08,630
Q?
436
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:12,560
Sorry, did I say Q7 I meant A.
Sorry, call exhibit A.
437
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:15,069
MAN 1:
Call exhibit A.
438
00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:23,512
Exhibit A, my lord,
Miss Rita Thang.
439
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,991
An artist's model,
Swedish accordion teacher,
440
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:31,032
and cane-chair saleslady,
was found guilty
441
00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:34,596
under the Rude Behavior Act
in the accused's court.
442
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:36,159
The accused, my lord,
443
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,430
sentenced her to be
taken from this place
444
00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:41,233
and brought round
to his place.
445
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:43,356
-Objection, my lord.
-Objection sustained.
446
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:45,198
You shut up!
Objection overruled.
447
00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:46,799
Now, the accused
then commented
448
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:49,071
on Miss Thang's
bodily structure,
449
00:27:49,120 --> 00:27:53,000
made several not-at-all legal
remarks on the subject of fun,
450
00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:55,190
and then placed his robes
over his head
451
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:57,675
and began to emit low moans.
452
00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:00,519
Have you anything to say
in your defense?
453
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:02,358
I haven't had any for weeks.
454
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:04,550
Oh, no? What about
that little number you've got
455
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,193
tucked away in Belsize Park?
456
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:07,235
Oh, I never!
457
00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:08,953
Oh, no. Ho-ho-ho-ho!
458
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,116
Allright, then what about
8A Woodford Square?
459
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:13,629
You say anything about that
and I'l do you for treason.
460
00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:15,273
Uh, my lord,
if we could continue.
461
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:16,953
He's got a Chinese
bit there.
462
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:18,354
No, that's contempt
of court.
463
00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:20,755
-Oh, it's only a joke.
-Contempt of court.
464
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:23,076
However, I'm not
going to punish you
465
00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:25,316
because we're so short
of judges at the moment.
466
00:28:25,360 --> 00:28:27,749
What with all of them
emigrating to South Africa.
467
00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:29,712
I'm going tomorrow,
I've got me ticket.
468
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:32,354
Get out there and get
some decent sentencing done.
469
00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:34,994
Qoh! England makes you sick.
470
00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:37,600
Best I can manage here
is life imprisonment.
471
00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:39,517
Hardly worth coming in
in the moming.
472
00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:41,597
Now, South Africa,
473
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:43,273
you've got your
cat-0"-nine-tails,
474
00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:45,118
you've got
four death sentences a week.
475
00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:46,480
You've got cheap drinks,
476
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,079
slave labor
and a booming stock market.
477
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:49,474
I'm off, I tell you.
478
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:52,478
Yes. I'm up to here
with probation
479
00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:55,319
and bleeding
psychiatric reports.
480
00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:57,596
Thats it, I'm off. That's it.
481
00:28:57,640 --> 00:29:00,678
Right. But I'm going to have one
final fling before I leave.
482
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:04,509
So I sentence you
to be burnt at the stake.
483
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:07,951
Blimey. I didn't expect
the Spanish Inquisition.
484
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:15,675
[0]
485
00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:31,754
Two-- Three
for the Old Bailey, please.
486
00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:36,390
-Look, they've started the credits.
Hurry, hurry, hurry!
487
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:37,475
Hurry, hurry!
488
00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:51,550
There's the lighting credit.
Only five left.
489
00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:59,194
Hell, it's the producer.
Quick!
490
00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:24,552
Nobody expects the Span--
Oh, bugger.
34007
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