All language subtitles for Sanet.st.monty.pythons.flying.circus.s02e01.1080p.BluRay.h264-13

[ANIMALS CHATTERING]

And now for something
completely different.

Its...

[0]

NARRATOR:
Monty Python's Flying Circus.

Hello. Tonight on
Face the Press,

we're going to examine
two different views

of contemporary things.

On my left is the minister
for home affairs,

who is wearing a striking
organza dress in pink tulle

with matching pearls
and a diamante collar necklace.

The shoes are in brushed
pigskin with gold clasps

by Maxwell of Bond Street.

The hair is by Roger,
and the whole ensemble

is crowned
by a spectacular display

of Christmas orchids.

And on my right,

putting the case
against the government,

is a small patch
of brown liquid.

Which could be creosote

or some extract used
in industrial varnishing.

Good evening.

Minister, may I put
the first question to you?

In your plan,
“A Better Britain For Us,"

you claimed
that you would build

83,000 million, billion
houses a year

in the Greater London
area alone.

In fact, you've built only
three in the last 15 years.

Are you a bit disappointed
with this result?

No, no. I'd like to answer
this question if I may

in two ways.

Firstly in my normal voice

and then in a kind of silly,
high-pitched whine.

You see,
housing is a problem really.

Well, while the minister
is answering this question,

I'd just like to point out

that the minister's dress
has been made entirely by hand

-from over 300 pieces of Arabian silk.
-[HIGH-PITCHED WHINING]

Especially created
for the minister

by Vargar's of Paris.

The low slim line
has been cut off the shoulder

to heighten the effect
of his fine bone structure.

Well, I think the minister
is coming

to the end of his answer now,

so let's go back over
and join the discussion.

Thank you very much,
minister.

Today saw the appointment
of a new head of

-Don't I say any more?
No, fear.

of Allied Bomber Command.

Air Chief Marshal Sir Vincent
“Kill the Japs" Forster.

He's in our Birmingham studio.

Hello, sailors.
Listen, guess what?

The ministerette of aviation
has made me head

-of the RAF Ofa Pola--
[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello. Mrs. Rogers?

No.

Ooh, I must be
in the wrong house.

Whew!

[GRUNTING]

So from now on, we're going
to do things my way.

For a start, David Hockney is
going to design the bombs.

{DOORBELL RINGS]
-And I've seen the plans...

That must be
the new gas cooker.

[0]

Morning.
Mrs. G. Crump?

No,
Mrs. G. Pinnet.

This is
46 Egemnon Crescent?

No. Road.
Egernon Road.

Road, yeah, it says here.
Yeah.

Uh, right, could I speak
to Mrs. G. Crump, please?

Oh, there's nobody here
of that name.

It's Mrs. G. Pinnet.
46 Egernon Road.

-Well, it says "Crump" here. Dont it,
Harry? -Yeah. It's on the invoice.

Yeah, it's definitely Crump.

There must have been
a mistake.

The address is right, and
that's the cooker I ordered.

A blue and white CookEasi.

You can't have this.
This is Crump.

Dear, what are
we going fo do?

I don't know.

What we can do
is take it back to the depot,

get a transfer slip
from Crump to Pinnet,

put it on
a special delivery.

That's best. We'll special it
for you, get it there today,

-and you'll get it in 10 weeks.
-Yeah.

Ten weeks?

Blimey, can't you just leave
this one?

What, this?
What, leave it here?

-Yes.
-Well, I don't know.

I suppose we could.

She'd have to fill out
a temporary dispatch note.

MAN 1: We could leave
it on a dispatch note.

-That's sorted out.
-Yeah.

What a mess, isn't it?

It's ridiculous,
but there you are.

Glad we could be
such a help.

Right, would you sign it
down there please, Mrs. Crump?

-Pinnet.
-Pinnet, yeah.

Listen, just for the books,
make It a bit easier,

could you sign it
Crump-Pinnet?

Right.

Thank you very much, dear.
The cooker's yours.

Yep. Here we go.

Right.

Sorry about the bother,

but, uh, there you are,
you know. Cheerio.

Cheerio, Mrs. Crump.

Hey, e-excuse me.

Cooey!

-Uh, can you put it in the kitchen?
-You what?

Well, I can't cook on it
unless it's connected up.

Oh, we didn't realize you had
an installation invoice.

An MI.

No, we can't touch it
without an MI.

-Oran R16.
-Maybe it's a special.

No, it's not.
That's back at the depot.

Special's same
as installation invoice.

-It's an R16.
What's an installation invoice?

Pink form from Reading.

Oh, we wondered
what that was.

-These are the forms.
-That's the one, love.

Yeah, this should be
all I need. This

Hang on.
This is for Pinnet.

Mrs. G. Pinnet.

That's right.
I'm Mrs. G. Pinnet.

We've got Crump-Pinnet
on the invoice.

Shall I sign it
Crump-Pinnet?

No, no, no.
Not an MI. No.

No. That's from Area Service
at Reading.

-No, Cheltenham, isn't it?
-Not this side of the street.

Look, I just want it
connected up.

What about London office?

-No, they haven't got machinery.
-Not now.

What?
The Hounslow depot?

No, they're still
on standard pressure.

Same with Twickenham.

Surely they can connect up
a gas cooker?

We could connect it up,
but only if it's an emergency.

-This is an emergency. -No, it's not.
Emergency is a 290.

"Where there's actual
or apparent loss

of combustible gaseous
substances."

-Yeah, it's like-- Like a leak.
-Yeah.

-Ora47s.
-No, that's valve adjustment.

Well, there can't be a leak
unless you've connected it.

No, quite.
We'd have to turn it on.

Well, can't you turn it on
and connect it up?

No. But what we can do, and
this is between you and me--

I shouldn't be telling you this.
We'll turn your gas on,

make a hole in your pipe,
you ring Hounslow emergency,

they'll be around
in a couple of days.

A house full of gas?
I'l be dead by then.

Oh, well. In that case you'd
have southeast area manager

-round here like a shot.
Really?

Oh, yes. "One or more person
overcome by fumes,"

you'd have head office Holbom
round here.

Really?
-Yeah. That's murder, you see.

-Or suicide.
No. That's $42.

-Oh.
Still?

I thought it was Hainault.

No, central area and
Southall Marketing Division,

they're both
on the $42 now.

-And they'd connect it up?
-Oh, they'd do the lot for you.

They'd come round
this afternoon?

Well, what is it now?
11:30...

Murder...
They'd be round here by 2.

Oh, well,
that's wonderful.

-All right.
-Okay. Harry.

Okay.
-Gas on.

-Right, deep breaths, love. -Ring
head office, would you, Norman?

Shall I go
through maintenance?

No, better go through
Deptford maintenance.

Put Peckham
ona 207.

[CHATTERING]

Arliss, now?

Absolutely.
That's Lewisham.

What about Tottenham?

MAN 1:
No, that could be 44.

MAN 2:
Bulky, isn't it?

-MAN 3: What about Lewisham?
-MAN 4: Slow us down.

MAN 5:
You mean Central, isn't it?

MAN 6:
Or Ruislip.

[CHATTERING]

[WHIRRING]

[HUMMING]

Good morning.

Morning, sir.
Can I help you?

Help me? Yeah, I'l
say you can help me.

Yes, sir?

I come about your advert.

"Small white pussycat
for sale.

Excellent condition."

Ah, you wish to buy it?

That's right. Just for
the hour.

Only I ain't gonna pay more
than a fiver,

‘cause it ain't worth it.

Well, it's come
from a very good home

"Chest of drawers."

Chest. Drawers.

I'd like some
chest of drawers, please.

-Yes, sir.
-Does it go?

It's over there
in the corner.

"Pram for sale. Any offers.”

I'd like a bit of pram,
please.

Ah, yes, sir.
That's in good condition.

Oh, good, I like ‘em
in good condition, eh?

Yes, hereitis,
you see?

"Babysitter."

No, it's a babysitter.

-Babysitter?
Babysitter.

Babysitter.
I don't want a babysitter.

"Be a blood donor." That's it.

I'd like to give some blood,
please. Argh!

Oh, spit.
Which one is it?

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Blond prostitute will indulge
in any sexual activity

for 4 quid a week."

What does that mean?

The Times, please.

Oh, yes, sir,
here you are.

Thank you.
-Thank you.

Good morning.
Ahem.

Sorry to have kept you
waiting,

but I'm afraid my, uh--

My walk has become rather
sillier recently,

and so it takes me
rather longer to get to work.

Now, then, uh,
what was it again?

Well, sir, I-I have a--
a silly walk

and I'd like to obtain
a government grant

to help me develop it.

I see.
Ah, may I see your silly walk?

Yes, certainly, yes.
Ahem.

Uh, that's it,
isit?

-Yes, that's it, yes.
-Mm-hm.

It's not particularly silly,
is it?

The right leg isn't silly
atall,

and the left leg merely does
a forward aerial half-turn

every alternate step.

I think with government backing
I could make it very silly.

Mr. Pudey, the very real
problem is one of money.

I'm afraid that
the Ministry of Silly Walks

is no longer getting
the kind of support it needs.

You see, there's defense,
social security,

health, housing,
education, silly walks.

They're all supposed
to get the same.

But last year,
the government spent less

on the Ministry
of Silly Walks

than it did
on national defense.

Now, we get 348,000,000
pounds a year

which is supposed to be spent
on all our available products.

-Uh, coffee?
-Yes, please.

Uh, Mrs. Two-Lumps, would you
bring us in two coffees?

TWO-LUMPS:
Yes, Mr. Teabag.

Qut of her mind.

Now the Japanese have a man
who can bend his leg back

over his head and back again
with every single step.

While the Israelis have f--
Ah, here's the coffee.

Thank you.
Lovely.

You're really interested
in silly walks, aren't you?

Oh, rather. Yes.

Well, take a look
at this, then.

[OLD-TIME PIANO MUSIC
PLAYING]

Mr. Pudey,

I'm not going
to mince words with you.

I'm gonna offer you
a research fellowship

on the Anglo-French
silly walk.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

Bonjour.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[BOTH HUMMING]

[0]

ANNOUNCER: And now a choice
of viewing on BBC Television.

Just started on BBC 2,
the semifinal of Episode 3

of Kierkegaard's
Journals,

starring Richard Chamberlain,
Peggy Mount and Billy Bremner.

And on BBC 1,
Ethel the Frog.

[0]

Good evening.
On Ethel the Frog tonight,

we look at violence.

The violence
of British gangland.

Last Tuesday,
a reign of terror was ended

when the notorious
Piranha brothers

Doug and Dinsdale,
after one of the most

extraordinary trials
in British legal history

were sentenced
to 400 years imprisonment

for crimes of violence.

Tonight,
Ethel the Frog

examines the rise fo power
of the Piranhas,

the methods they used
to subjugate rival gangs

and their subsequent
tracking down and capture

by the brilliant superintendent
Harry "Snapper" Organs

of Q Division.

Doug and Dinsdale Piranha
were born, on probation,

in this house
on Kipling Road, Southwark,

the eldest sons
in a family of 16.

Their father, Arthur Piranha,
a scrap-metal dealer

and TV quizmaster,

was well-known fo the police,
and a devout Catholic.

In January, 1928,
he had married Kitty Malone,

an up-and-coming
East End boxer.

Doug was born
in February, 1929,

and Dinsdale two weeks
later.

Their next-door neighbor
was Mrs. April Simnel.

Kipling Road were a typical
sort of East End street.

People were in and out
of each other's houses

with each other's property
all day long. Heh-heh.

They were a cheery lot,
though.

Was it
a terribly violent area?

[LAUGHING]

Yes.
Cheerful and violent.

I remember Doug
was very keen on boxing

until he learned to walk,

and then he took up
putting the boot in the groin.

Oh, he was very interested
in that.

His mother used to have
such trouble

getting him to come in
for his tea. Heh-heh.

He'd be out there

putting his little boot in,
you know, bless him.

But you know, kids were
very different then.

They didn't have
their heads filled

with all this
Cartesian dualism.

REPORTER: At the age of 15, Doug
and Dinsdale started attending

the Ernest Pythagoras
Primary School in Clerkenwell.

Anthony Viney. You taught
the Piranha brothers English.

What do you remember
most about them?

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Anthony Viney.

When the Piranhas left school,
they were called up

but were found
by an Army Board

to be too mentally unstable
even for National Service.

Denied the opportunity
to use their talents

in the service of their
country,

they began to operate
what they called

"The Operation."

They would select a victim

and then threaten
to beat him up

if he paid them the so-called
protection money.

Four months later,
they started another operation

which they called:
“The Other Operation."

In this racket they selected
another victim and threatened

not to beat him up
if he didn't pay them.

One month later, they hit upon
"The Other, Other Operation."

In this the victim
was threatened

that if he didn't pay them,
they would beat him up.

This, for the Piranha brothers,
was the turning point.

Doug and Dinsdale Piranha
now formed a gang

which they called "The Gang,"

and used terror
to take over nightclubs,

billiard halls, gaming casinos
and racetracks.

When they tried
to take over the MCC,

they were for the only time
in their lives, slit up a treat.

As their empire spread
however, we in Q Division

were keeping tabs
on their every movement

by reading
the color supplements.

A small-time operator who
fell foul of Dinsdale Piranha

was Vince Snetterton-Lewis.

Well, uh, one day
I was sitting at home

threatening the kids

and I looked out of the hole
in the wall

and I saw this tank drive up.

And one of Dinsdale's boys
gets out,

and he comes up,
all nice and friendly like,

and says Dinsdale
wants to have a talk with me.

So he chains me
to the back of the tank,

and takes me for a scrape
round to Dinsdale's.

And Dinsdale's there
in the conversation pit

with Doug and Charles Paisley,
the baby crusher,

and a couple of film producers

and a man they called
Kierkegaard

who just sat there
biting the heads off whippets.

And Dinsdale said:

“I hear you've been
a naughty boy, Clement."

And he splits me nostrils open
and saws me leg off

and pulls me liver out.

And I said,
“My name's not Clement."

And, uh,
then he loses his temper.

And he nails my head
to the floor.

INTERVIEWER: He nailed
your head to the floor?

At first, yeah.

Another man who had his head
nailed to the floor

was Stig O'Tracey.

Stig, I've been told
that Dinsdale Piranha

nailed your head
to the floor.

No.
No, never, never.

He was
a smashing bloke.

He used to give his mother
flowers and that.

He was like
a brother to me.

But the police have film
of Dinsdale

actually nailing your head
to the floor.

Oh, yeah, well,
he did that, yeah.

Why?

Well, he had to, didn't he?
I mean, be fair,

there was nothing else
he could do.

I mean, I had transgressed
the unwritten law.

What had you done?

Uh...

Well,
he never told me that.

But he gave me his word
that it was the case,

and that's good enough
for me with old Dinsy.

I mean, he didn't wanna
nail my head to the floor.

I had to insist.
He wanted to let me off.

There's nothing Dinsdale
wouldn't do for you.

And you don't bear him
any grudge?

A grudge? Old Dinsy?
He was a real darling.

I understand he also nailed
your wife's head

to a coffee table.

Isn't that right,
Mrs. O'Tracey?

Oh, no, no, no.

Yeah, well, he did do that.
Yeah, yeah.

He was a cruel man,
but fair.

INTERVIEWER: Vince, after he
nailed your head to the flocr,

did you ever see him again?

Yeah, after that I used
to go around to his flat

every Sunday lunchtime
to apologize,

and we'd shake hands

and then he'd nail my head
to the floor.

Every Sunday?

Yeah.

But he was very reasonable
about it.

I mean, one Sunday

when my parents
were coming round for tea,

I'asked him if he'd mind
very much

not nailing my head
to the floor that week.

And he agreed,

and just screwed my pelvis
to a cake stand.

He was the only friend
I ever had.

[COUGHING]

I wouldn't hear a word
against him.

MAN:
Lovely fella.

Clearly, Dinsdale inspired
tremendous loyalty and terror

amongst his business
associates,

but what was he really like?

I walked out with Dinsdale
on many occasions

and found him
a most charming

and erudite companion.

He was wont
to introduce one

to many eminent persons,

celebrated American singers,
members of the aristocracy

and other gang leaders.

INTERVIEWER:
How had he met them?

Through his work for charity.

He took a warm interest

in boys' clubs,
sailors' homes,

choristers' associations,
scouting jamborees

and of course,
the household cavalry.

Was there anything
unusual about him?

I should say not.

Dinsdale was a perfectly
normal person in every way.

Except...

Except in as much
as he was convinced

that he was being watched
by a giant hedgehog

whom he referred to
as Spiny Norman.

How big was Norman
supposed to be?

Normally, he was wont to be

about 12 feet
from snout to tail,

but when Dinsdale
was very depressed,

Norman could be anything
up to 800 yards long.

When Norman was about,
Dinsdale would go very quiet,

and his nose would swell up
and his teeth would start

moving about
and he'd become very violent

and claim that he'd laid
Stanley Baldwin.

Dinsdale was a gentleman.

And what's more he knew how to
treat a female impersonator.

It's easy for us to judge
Dinsdale Piranha too harshly.

After all, he only did
what most of us--

Most of us
simply dream of doing.

[GRUNTING]

I'm sorry.

After all, a murder--

A murderer is only
an extroverted suicide.

Dinsdale was a loony,

but he was a happy loony.

Lucky bastard.

Most of these strange tales
concern Dinsdale,

but what of Doug?

One man who met him
was Luigi Vercotti.

Well, I've been running
a successful escort agency--

High-class. No, really,
high-class girls.

We didn't have any of that.
That was right out.

And I decided--

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
-Oh, excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, no, not now.

Shtoom, shtoom.

Right. Yes, we'll have the watch
ready for you at midnight.

The watch.

The Chinese watch.

Yes, all right. Bye-bye...

Mother.

Anyway I decided then to
open a high-class nightclub

for the gentry
at Biggleswade.

With international cuisine,
cooking, top-line acts,

eh, not a cheap clip joint
for picking up tarts.

That was right out.
I deny that completely.

And, uh,

one night Dinsdale
walked in

with a couple
of big lads,

one of whom was carrying
a tactical nuclear missile.

They said I'd bought one
of their fruit machines

and would I pay for it?

How much did they want?

Uh, three quarters
of a million pounds.

Then they went out.

Why didn't you call
for the police?

Well, I'd noticed that the lad
with the thermonuclear device

was the chief constable
for the area.

Anyway, a week later,

they come back,

said the check had bounced

and that I had to
see Doug.

Doug?

Doug.

I was terrified of him.

Everyone was terrified
of Doug.

I've seen grown men
pull their own heads off

rather than see Doug.

Even Dinsdale
was frightened of Doug.

What did he do?

He used sarcasm.

He knew all the tricks,
dramatic irony, metaphor,

pathos, puns, parody, litotes

and... satire.

REPORTER: By a combination
of violence and sarcasm,

the Piranha brothers
by February, 1966,

controlfed London
and the southeast.

In February, though,
Dinsdale made a big mistake.

Latterly Dinsdale had become

increasingly worried
about Spiny Norman.

He had come to the conclusion
that Norman slept

in an aeroplane hangar
at Luton Airport.

And s0 on February the 22nd,
19686, at Luton Airport--

Even the police began
to sit up and take notice.

The Piranhas realized
they had gone too far

and that the hunt was on.

They went into hiding

and I decided
on a subtle approach,

viz. some form of disguise,

as the old helmet and boots
are a bit of a giveaway.

Luckily my years
with Bristol Rep

stood me in good stead,

as I assumed a bewildering
variety of disguises.

I tracked them to Cardiff,

posing as
the Reverend Smiler Egret.

Hearing they'd gone back
to London,

I assumed the identity

of a pork butcher,
Brian Stoats.

On my arrival in London,

I discovered
they had returned to Cardiff.

I followed as Gloucester
from King Lear.

Acting on a hunch,
I spent several months

in Buenos Aires as Blind Pew,

returning through
the Panama Canal

as Ratty
in Toad of Toad Hall.

Back in Cardiff,
I relived my triumph

as Sancho Panza
in Man of La Mancha.

Which the Bristol
Evening Post described as:

"A glittering performance
of a rare perception.”

Although the Bath Chronicle was
less than enthusiastic.

In fact, it gave me
aright panning. I quote:

CRITIC 1:
As for the performance

of Superintendent Harry
"Snapper" Organs

as Sancho Panza,
the audience were bemused

by his high-pitched
Welsh accent

and intimidated
by his abusive ad-libs.

ORGANS:
The Western Daily News said:

CRITIC 2:
Sancho Panza (Mr. Organs)

spoilt an otherwise impeccably
choreographed rape scene

by his unscheduled
appearance and persistent cries

of "What's all this then?"

Never mind, Snapper love,
you can't win ‘em all.

True, constable. Uh, could
I have my eyeliner please?

Telegram for you, love.

Ooh, good-o.
I bet it's from Binkie.

Those flowers are
for Sgt. Lauderdale

from the gentleman
waiting outside.

Oh, good.
Heh-heh.

Thirty seconds,
superintendent.

Oh, blimey,
I'mon.

Is me hat straight,
constable?

Oh, it's fine.

Right. Here we go then,
Hawkins.

Oh, merde,
superintendent.

Good luck, then.

Read all about it.

Piranha brothers escape.

[SCREAMING]

Dinsdale?

[0]

SPINY NORMAN:
Dinsdale?

Dinsdale?

Dinsdale?

Dinsdale?
Dinsdale?

Hmm...

Well, that's all for now.

And 50 until next week...

[ROARS]