All language subtitles for Sanet.st.monty.pythons.flying.circus.s01e07.1080p.BluRay.h264-13

[PANTING]

[SCREAMS]

MAN [IN VOICEOVER]:
"It's."

"It's."

MEN:
"It's"!

MAN:
No, no. It's.

It's.

It's...

[♪ ♪ ♪]

NARRATOR:
Monty Python's Flying Circus.

Good evening. Tonight we're going
to take a hard, tough,

abrasive look at camel spotting.

Hello.
Hello, Peter.

Now, tell me,
what exactly are you doing?

Uh, well, I'm camel spotting.

I'm spotting to see if there are
any camels that I can spot

and put them down
in my camel-spotting book.

Good. And how many camels
have you spotted so far?

Well, so far, Peter, up to the present
moment, I've spotted nearly-- Ooh.

Nearly one.
Nearly one?

Uh, call it none.
Fine.

And how long have you been here?
Uh, three years.

So in, uh, three years
you've spotted no camels?

Yes, in only three years.
Uh--

I tell a lie, four. Be fair, five.

I've been camel spotting
for just the seven years.

Before that, of course,
I was a yeti spotter.

A yeti spotter, that must
have been extremely interesting.

Oh, it was extremely interesting.
Very, very, quite--

It was dull.

Dull, dull, dull,
oh, God, it was dull.

Sitting in the Waterloo waiting room.

Of course, once you've seen one yeti,
you've seen them all.

And have you seen them all?
Well, I've seen one.

Well, a little one. A picture of a little--
I've heard about them.

Now, tell me, what do you do
when you spot a camel?

Uh, I take its number.

Uh, camels don't have numbers.

Oh, well, you've got to know
where to look.

Uh, they're on the side of the engine

above the piston box.
What?

Uh, of course, you gotta make sure
it's not a dromedary,

cause if it is a dromedary,
it goes in the dromedary book.

Well, how do you tell
if it's a dromedary?

Uh, well, a dromedary
has one hump

and a camel has a refreshment car,
buffet and ticket collector.

Mr. Sopwith,
aren't you in fact a train spotter?

What?
Don't you in fact spot trains?

Oh, you're no fun anymore.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

MAN'S VOICE: Oh, no, Rasheed, we
can't go on meeting like this.

MAN'S VOICE 2:
Oh, you're no fun anymore.

Oh, you're no fun anymore.

MAN:
Thirty-nine, forty.

All right, cut him down,
Mr. Fuller.

Oh, you're no fun anymore.

Now, look, if anybody else
pinches my phrase,

I'll throw them under a camel.

If you can spot one.

[LAUGHS]

Aw.

Lady Chairman, sir,
shareholders, ladies and gentlemen.

I have great pleasure
in announcing

that owing to a cutback on surplus
expenditure of 12 million Canadian dollars,

plus a refund of seven and a half million
Deutschmarks from the Swiss branch,

and in addition, adding the debenture
preference stock of 3.75 million

to the director's reserve
currency account of 7.5 million,

plus an upward expenditure margin
of 11,500 lira,

due to a rise in capital investment
of 10 million pounds,

this firm last year
made a complete profit of a shilling.

A shilling, Wilkins?
Uh, roughly, yes, sir.

Wilkins, I am the chairman of
a multimillion-pound corporation,

and you are a very new
chartered accountant.

Isn't it possible there may have been
some mistake?

Well, that's very kind of you, sir, but I
don't think I'm ready to be chairman yet.

Wilkins. Wilkins,
this shilling, is it net or gross?

It's British, sir.

Yes, has tax been paid on it?
Yes, this is after tax.

Owing to the rigorous bite
of the income tax,

five pence of a further sixpence was
swallowed up in tax.

Five pence of a further sixpence?
Yes, sir.

Five pence of a further sixpence?
That's right, sir.

Then where is the other penny?

Oh.

That makes you a penny short,
Wilkins. Where is it?

Uh...
Wilkins?

[SOBBING]
I embezzled it, sir.

What? All of it?
Yes, all of it.

You naughty person.

It's my first.
Please be gentle with me.

I'm afraid it's my unpleasant duty
to inform you that you're fired.

Oh, please, please.
No, out!

Yes, there's no place for sentiment
in big business.

Oh, you're no fun anymore.

I heard that. Who said that?

He did! He did!
No, I didn't.

ALL: Ooh!
Right.

[TRAIN WHISTLES, APPROACHES]

MAN:
Here is the address to complain to.

The Royal Frog
Trampling Institute,

16 Rayners Lane,
London, W.C. Fields.

I'll just repeat that.

Tristram and Isolde Phillips, 730
Covent Garden Saturday, near Sunday,

and afterwards at
the Inigo Jones Fish Emporium.

They want to put the licence fee up?

And now here is a reminder about leaving
your radio on during the night.

Leave your radio on
during the night.

A little joke, a little jest.

Nothing to worry about,
ladies and gentlemen.

Now we've got some science fiction
for you, some sci-fi,

something to send
the shivers up your spine,

send the creepy crawlies
down your lager and limes.

All the lads have contributed to it,
it's a little number entitled:

"Science-Fiction Sketch."

[CLAPS WEAKLY]

NARRATOR [IN AMERICAN ACCENT]:
The universe consists

of a billion, billion galaxies.

Seventy-seven billion miles across.

And every galaxy is made up
of a billion, zillion stars.

And around these stars
circle a billion planets.

And of all of these planets,
the greenest

and the pleasantest
is the planet Earth,

in the system of Sol, in the
galaxy known as the Milky Way.

And it was to this world that
creatures of an alien planet came,

to conquer and destroy
the very heart of civilization.

It was a day like many another,

and Mr. and Mrs.
Samuel Brainsample

were a perfectly ordinary couple,
leading perfectly ordinary lives.

The sort of people to whom nothing
extraordinary ever happened,

and not the kind of people
to be the centre of

one of the most astounding
incidents in the history of mankind.

So let's forget about them and follow
instead the destiny of this man.

Harold Potter, gardener
and tax official,

first victim of creatures
from another planet.

[BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS]

MAN: Read all about it! Read all about it!
Man turns into Scotsman!

Mrs. Potter, you knew Mr.
Potter quite well, I believe?

Oh, yes, quite well.
He was me husband.

And, uh, he never showed
any inclination towards

being a Scotsman
before this happened?

No, no. Not at all.
He was not that sort of person.

He didn't, uh, wear a kilt
or play the bagpipes?

No, no, no.
He never got drunk at night

or brought home black puddings?
No, no. Not at all.

He didn't have an inadequate
brain capacity?

No, no. Not at all.
I see.

So by your account, Harold Potter
was a perfectly ordinary Englishman

without any tendency towards
being a Scotsman whatsoever?

Absolutely, yes.

Mind you, he did always watch
Doctor Finlay on the television.

Aha!

Well, that's it, you see.
That's how it starts.

I beg your pardon?
Well, you see,

"Scottishness" starts with
little things like that and works up.

You see, people don't just turn into
a Scotsman for no reason at all.

[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT]
No further questions!

[BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS]

[BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS]

[BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS]

[PLAYS JAZZ MUSIC]

[BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS]

Halt!

Left turn!

[BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Charles?
Darling.

Charles?
Darling, darling.

Charles, there's something
I've got to tell you.

What is it, darling?
It's Daddy,

he's turned into a Scotsman.

What? Mr. Llewellyn?

Yes, Charles.
Help me, please help me.

But what can I do?

Surely, Charles,
you're the chief scientist

at the Anthropological
Research Institute at Butley Down.

An expert in what makes people change
from one nationality to another.

So I am.

This is right up my street.

Oh, good.

Now, first of all, why would anyone
turn into a Scotsman?

Um... For-- For business reasons?
No, no.

Only because he has no control
over his own destiny.

Look, I'll show you.

WOMAN: I see.
CHARLES: Yes.

So this means that some person
or persons unknown

is turning all these people
into Scotsmen.

Oh, what kind of heartless fiend
could do that to a man?

I don't know.

I don't know.

All I know is that these people are
streaming north of the border

at the rate of thousands every hour.
If we don't act fast,

Scotland will be choked
with Scotsmen.

Ooh!

[BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: Soon Scotland
was full of Scotsmen.

The overcrowding was pitiful.

Three men to a caber.

[CHATTERING]

[CHATTERING ENDS]

[BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS]

[DOGS BARKING]

NARRATOR: For the few who remained,
life was increasingly difficult.

[RATTLING]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

Charles!

Thank goodness I've found you.
It's Mummy.

Hello, mummy.

No, no. Mummy's turned
into a Scotsman.

Oh, how horrible.

Will they stop at nothing?

I don't know,
do you think they will?

I meant that rhetorically.
What does "rhetorically" mean?

It means I didn't expect an answer.
Oh, I see.

Oh, you're so clever, Charles.

Did mummy say anything
as she changed?

Yes. She did,
now you come to mention it.

[GRUNTS]

Well, what was it?
Oh, she said:

"Them."

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

Is that someone at the door?

No, it's just the incidental
music for this scene.

Oh, I see.

"Them." Wait a minute.

A whole minute?

No, I meant that metaphorically.

Them, them. She was obviously
referring to the people

who turned her into a Scotsman.

If only we knew who they were

and why they were doing it.

Who are "them"?

NARRATOR:Then suddenly a
clue turned up in Scotland.

Mr. Angus Podgorny,
owner of a Dunbar menswear shop,

received an order
for 48 million kilts

from the planet Skyron
in the galaxy of Andromeda.

Angus, how are you going to
get 48 million kilts into the van?

I'll have to do it in two goes.

Do you not ken that
the galaxy of Andromeda

is 2,200,000 light years away?
Is that so?

Aye, and you've never been
further than Berwick-on-Tweed.

Aye, but think of the money, dear.

£18.10 a kilt. That's

£900,000,000,
and that's without sporrans.

Eh-- I think you ought
not to go, Angus.

Ah, we would be able to afford
writing paper with our names on it.

We would be able to buy
that extension to the toilet.

Yeah, but he hasn't signed
the order yet, has he?

Who?
Ah, the man from Andromeda.

Oh, well...

Well, he wasn't really a man,
do you ken?

Not really a man?

He was as strange a thing
as ever I saw,

or ever I to hope to see, God willing.

He was a strange,
unearthly creature.

A quivering, glistening mass.

Angus Podgorny,
what do you mean?

He wasn't so much a man
as a blancmange.

A blancmange, eh?
Yes, that's right.

Uh, I was just having
a game of doubles

with Sandra and Jocasta,
Alec and David--

Hang on.
What?

There's five.
What?

Five people. How do you play
doubles with five people?

Ah, well, we were--
Sounds a bit funny, if you ask me,

playing doubles with five people.

Well, we often play like that. Jocasta
plays on the side receiving service.

Ah, yes?
Yes. It helps to speed the game up

and make it a lot faster
and it means Jocasta isn't left out.

Look, are you asking me
to believe

that the five of you
was playing doubles

when on the very next court there
was a blancmange playing by itself?

That's right, yes.
Well, answer me this then,

why didn't Jocasta
play the blancmange at singles

while you and Sandra
and Alec and David

had a proper game of
doubles with four people?

Because Jocasta
always plays with us.

She's a friend of ours.

Call that friendship?

Messing up a perfectly good game
of doubles?

It's not messing it up, officer,
we like to play with five.

Look, it's your affair if you want
to pl-- Play with five people,

but don't go calling it doubles.

Well, no--
Look at Wimbledon, right?

If Fred Stolle and Tony Roche
played Charlie Pasarell

and Cliff Drysdale
and Peaches Bartkowicz,

they wouldn't go calling it doubles.

But what about the blancmange?

That could play Ann Haydon Jones
and her husband Pip.

Oh. A blancmange gave you an order
for 48 million kilts?

Aye.
And you believed it?

Aye, I did.

Oh, you're a stupid man,
Angus Podgorny.

Oh, look, woman, how many kilts
did we sell last year?

Nine and a half, that's all.

So when I get an order for 48 million,
I believe it.

You bet I believe it.

Even if it's from
a blancmange?

Oh, woman, if a blancmange
is prepared to come

2,200,000 light years
to purchase a kilt,

they must be fairly keen on kilts.

So cease your prattling, woman,
and get sewing.

This could be the biggest
breakthrough in kilts

since the provost of Edinburgh
sat on a spike.

Mary, we'll be rich. We'll be rich.

Oh, but Angus, he hasn't given you
an earnest of his good faith.

Ah, maybe not,
but he has give me this.

Oh, what is it now?

An entry form for the British Open
Tennis Championships at Wimbledon town,

signed and seconded.

Oh. But Angus, you ken full well

that Scots folk don't know how
to play the tennis to save their lives.

Aye, but I must go though dear,
I didn't want to seem ungrateful.

Oh, Angus, I will not let you
make a fool of yourself.

But I must.
Oh. No, you'll not.

Oh, Mary, Mary--

[LOUD CREAKING]

[BOTH GASP]

Oh, Mary, look out. Look out!

[SCREAMING]

It's the blancmange!

[SLURPING, CHOMPING]

Oh.

Uh, now this is where Mr. Podgorny
could have saved his wife's life.

If he'd gone to the police and
told them that he'd been approached

by unearthly beings
from the galaxy of Andromeda,

we'd have sent a man round
to investigate.

As it was,
he did a deal with a blancmange,

and the blancmange ate his wife.

So if you're going out,
or going on holiday,

or anything strange happens
involving other galaxies,

just nip round to your
local police station,

and tell the sergeant on duty,
or his wife, of your suspicions.

And the same goes for dogs.

So I'm sorry to have interrupted
your exciting science-fiction story,

but then,
crime's our business, you know.

So carry on viewing,
and my thanks to the BBC

for allowing me to have
this little chat with you. Good night.

God bless. Look after yourselves.

Do sit down, Mr. Podgorny. I--

I think what's happened is
terribly, terribly funny--

Tragic.

You must understand that we have to
catch the creature that ate your wife

and if you could help us
answer a few questions,

we may be able to help
save a few lives.

I know this is the way your wife
would have wanted it.

Aye, I'll do my best, sergeant.

"Detective inspector."

Detective inspector.

Now, then, the facts are these:

You received an order
for 48 million kilts

from a blancmange from the planet
Skyron in the galaxy of Andromeda.

You'd just shown your wife an entry
form for Wimbledon which you filled in

when you turned round and saw her
legs disappearing into a blancmange.

Is that correct?
Yes, sir.

Are you mad?
No, sir.

Well, that's a relief,
because if you were,

your story would be
less plausible.

Now, then,
do you recognize this?

Oh, yes.
That's the one that ate my Mary.

[SOBBING]

Good. His name's Riley,
Jack Riley.

He's that most rare of criminals,

a blancmange impersonator
and cannibal.

But what about the 48 million kilts
and the galaxy of Andromeda?

I'm afraid that's just
one of his stories.

You must understand that a
blancmange impersonator and cannibal

has to use some pretty clever
stories to allay suspicion.

Then you mean--
Yes.

But-- Yes-- Not--
How? Well... I'm afraid so.

Why? You think-? But--
Who knows. Could be. I know.

She was--
Yes.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

Good Lord, what's that?

Ah. Riley.

Come to give yourself up,
have you, Riley?

[CHOMPING]

Eh, Riley?

Riley. Riley.

DETECTIVE INSPECTOR:
It's not Riley.

It's an extraterrestrial being!

[SCREAMING]

So everyone in England
is being turned into Scotsmen, right?

Yes.

Now, which is the worst
tennis-playing nation in the world?

Um, Australia.
No. Try again.

Australia?

No, try again
but say a different place.

[CHUCKLES]
I thought you meant I said it badly.

No, of course you didn't say it badly.
Now, hurry.

Ah, Czechoslovakia.
No, Scotland.

Of course.
Now...

Now, these blancmanges,

apart from the one
that killed Mrs. Podgorny,

have all appeared
in which London suburb?

Finchley.

No, Wimbledon.

Now do you begin to see
the pattern?

With what sport is Wimbledon
commonly associated?

NARRATOR:
For viewers at home,

the answer is coming up
on your screens,.

Those of you who wish to play it
the hard way,

stand upside down with your head
in a bucket of piranha fish.

Here is the question once again.

With what sport is Wimbledon
commonly associated?

Cricket.
No.

Pelote?
No.

Wimbledon is most commonly
associated with tennis.

Of course. Now I see.

Yes, it all falls into place.

The blancmanges
are really Australians

trying to get the rights
of the pelote rules

from the Czech publishers!

No, not quite.
But, uh, just look in here.

Yes. So these blancmanges...

Blancmange-shaped creatures come
from the planet Skyron

in the galaxy of Andromeda.

They order 48 million kilts
from a Scottish menswear shop,

turn the population of England
into Scotsmen,

well-known as the worst
tennis-playing nation on Earth,

thus leaving England empty during
Wimbledon fortnight.

Empty during
Wimbledon fortnight...

What's more, the papers
are full of reports of blancmanges

appearing on tennis courts
up and down the country practicing.

This can only mean one thing.

NARRATOR:
They mean to win Wimbledon.

They mean to win Wimbledon!

Well, here at Wimbledon, it's been
a most extraordinary week's tennis.

The blancmanges have swept
the board, winning match after match.

Here are just a few of the results:

Billie Jean King
eaten in straight sets,

Laver smothered whole
after winning the first set,

and Pancho Gonzalez, serving
as well as I've ever seen him,

with some superb volleys and decisive
return volleys off the backhand,

was sucked through the net
at match point

and swallowed whole
in just under two minutes.

And so here on the final day,

there seems to be no players left
to challenge the blancmanges

and this could be
their undoing, Dan,

as the rules of Wimbledon
state quite clearly that

there must be at least one
human being concerned in the final.

Well, the blancmange is coming out
onto the pitch now and--

[GROWLING]

ANNOUNCER: There is a human with it!
It's Angus Podgorny,

the plucky little Scottish tailor
upon whom everything depends.

And so it's Podgorny
versus blancmange,

in this first ever
Intergalactic Wimbledon.

And it's blancmange to serve,

and it's a good one!

15 - Love.

And Podgorny fails
to even hit the ball,

but this is no surprise as he hasn't hit
the bail once throughout this match.

So it's 72 match points
to the blancmange now.

Podgorny prepares to serve again.

[GROWLING CONTINUES]

This is indeed a grim day
for the human race, Dan.

NARRATOR: But what's this? Two
spectators have rushed onto the pitch

with spoons and forks.
What are they going to do?

They mean to eat the blancmange.

[GROANS]

[GROWLING]

[WOMAN GRUNTS]

And they're eating the blancmange.

Yes. The blancmange
is leaving the court.

It's abandoning the game.
This is fantastic!

Mmm.

[GROWLING STOPS]

[SOUND OF WATER DRIPPING]

NARRATOR: Yes, it was Mr. and Mrs.
Samuel Brainsample,

who, after only a brief
and misleading appearance

in the early part of the film,
returned to save the Earth.

But why?

Oh, well you see,
we love blancmanges.

Uh, my wife makes them.

NARRATOR:
She makes blancmanges that size?

Oh, yes, you see, we're from the planet
Skyron in the galaxy of Andromeda,

and they're all that size there.

We tried to tell you at the beginning
of the film but you just panned off us.

NARRATOR:
So the world was saved.

And Angus Podgorny became the
first Scotsman to win Wimbledon,

fifteen years later.