All language subtitles for Will & Grace (1998) - S09E11 - Staten Island Fairy 1080p WEBDL h264 AAC 2.0

"Will & Grace" is shot
before a live studio audience.

Will, said with love,

I really do hope I look like you

when I go through man-opause.

You're gonna have to
go through puberty first.

You seem oddly happy.

Have you been watching videos

of girls burning off
their bangs with flat irons?

They're so devastated!

I am happy, Will.

Things are great with my boo, Drew.

Are you still seeing that
married cop from Staten Island,

or as Grace and I like to call
him when you're not around,

your Staten Island Fairy?

I'm using that and not crediting you.

I really like him.

In fact, today is our one month-iversary.

Congratulations.

Isn't one month traditionally the time

when a gay husband comes out to his wife?

I believe the, uh... the gift for that

is a suitcase.

He better not come out.
It would ruin everything.

There's nothing better than being with

a closeted married man.

Spoken like a true Scientologist.

How are you pulling this off?

His wife thinks I'm straight
and married to Karen.

Ah.

It's the perfect situation.

No strings attached.

No "Where is this going?"

"What is your middle name?"

"What is your last name?"

"What is your name?"

Okay, I'm gonna say something
that you may not want to hear.

No, you're the one who's gained weight!

I mean, it's like...

Not what I was gonna say.

Isn't this just an ancient gay cliché

where you go from unavailable guy

to unavailable guy

because you're afraid of
commitment and intimacy?

How dare you?

I have asked plenty of men
to put a ring on it.

Just not on my finger.

Will, I just got amazing news!

Grace got an STD!

I did not say "STD."

I said "QVC."

Well, they're both ways
to get something cheap

that looks awful.

Will, we got the gig!

We are selling

Grace by Grace Adler Design's bed linens

on QVC!

I knew it was gonna happen.

I know I kept saying,
"It's not gonna happen,

it's not gonna happen,"

but that's what I said
about election night,

and look what happened there.

This is huge. Karen, we're gonna have to

do a lot of work to get ready for this.

I'm sorry, honey,
were you saying something?

Let's get out of here.

Did you hear Will put on a few pounds?

Well, Grace has an STD.

Okay.

We got a lot of decisions to make.

First things first:

Who's gonna be our spokesperson?

- I have someone perfect in mind.
- So do I.

Someone who already knows the product.

Someone who's easy on the eyes.

I think it's pretty obvious.

It should be me. What, you?

No! Stop doing that!

You stop doing that!

QVC wants to sell

Grace by Grace Adler Design bed linen.

Who better to sell that than Grace Adler?

Well, how about Grace Adler's
business partner

who spent four days
doing the market research

that got us this gig,

while Grace Adler sat in her pajamas,

watching videos of cats and elephants

clean their babies?

That is my brain chocolate, Will.

I need that to create.

And I don't need market research.

I have been selling my designs
to clients my entire career.

This is QVC.
It's a different demographic.

They... their customers
want aspirational and polish.

You're more perspirational and Polish.

Will, they want someone
they can relate to,

not just a bunch of focus group jargon.

Look, this is live TV, Grace.

You got to be quick on your feet.

You were kicked out
of your college improv troupe.

Excuse me!

The She-nanigans and I

had a mutual parting of the ways.

Yes, you both mutually agreed
that you were terrible.

You didn't even know how to
obey the first rule of improv,

which is to follow every
suggestion with a "yes, and..."

Well, being quick
on your feet doesn't matter

if the audience finds you
smirky and smug.

I'm not smirky and smug!

Oh, I didn't say you were,

but the fact that you thought

that I was talking about you
is pretty telling.

Grace, our company is only
gonna get one shot at this.

Now, I have done the research.

I know what has to be said.

It's all in this binder.

Okay, binder boy.

I will take a look at this tonight,

but it is my design,
my name, and I am doing it.

Are you seriously pulling rank on me?

Yes, and!

Yes, and...

This is exactly how they tripped me up

in the She-nanigans.

Staten Island Fairy?

You are hilarious!

I know. I just thought of it.

I'm letting Will use it.
He needs it more than I do.

She's not a clever girl, that one.

Ah, I-I love when gay guys
call men "she."

Do you ever call your
skinny gay friends fat?

From time to time.

You are so cute.

And I love that you still have
that new gay smell.

Okay, Google, take a selfie.

Oh, my first picture as a gay guy.

I look so straight.

Do you know where I could get
some ass-less chaps?

All chaps are ass-less.

That's why they're awesome.

And you, mister, just blew
your Christmas present.

Woman on premises!

Put away the "Playboys."

What are you bozos up to?

Oh, just two heterosexual bros

watching the big game.

That is "Real Housewives."

Uh, well, we changed it

because the Jets game
was a blowout, so...

Ugh, classic Jets. Who were they playing?

- The Sharks.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it's Jets versus the Sharks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, hockey, not football.

Yeah. I don't know if you know,

but the Jets and the Sharks
are old rivals.

It started out as
harmless pranks and dancing,

until Riff and Bernardo
pulled out their blades.

I do not understand hockey.

Have fun, you two.

Thanks, Angie.

Wouldn't say no to some pizza rolls.

She's great.

I just wish we didn't have to
keep you and I a secret.

I know.

Mm, it's the worst.

I mean, wouldn't it be great

if we could see each other
whenever we wanted?

Oh, I'm so mad that we can't.

Society! Oh...

Okay, people, 30 minutes

to Grace Adler Design on stage B.

Stage A, stand by.

We got Lisa Rinna flying in

with malachite pendants
and adult diapers.

Excuse me, miss,
have you seen Grace Adler?

- She's late.
- Yes, let me drop

everything I'm doing
'cause a man asked me to.

What... what I'm hearing is...

is that you wouldn't be open
to getting me a Diet Coke.

This is fun. This is gonna be our thing.

Oh! Sorry.

You were supposed to be here an hour ago.

There was a little mix-up on the subway.

Okay, you're on in 30 minutes.

Let's just... let's review
the material in the binder.

- Where's the binder?
- On the subway.

That was the mix-up.

You lost the binder?

Please tell me you memorized it first.

Well, I could tell you

that I memorized it, but...

- You're Grace Adler, right?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, we've got
a little change of plans here.

Lisa Rinna canceled.

She just booked a Hallmark movie.

- You're on next.
- What?

What... what are you talking about?

I think she plays a witch

trying to raise her daughter
in a small town.

When is this happening?

They're shooting now, so I...
I guess Christmas.

No, no, what...

When is this happening?

Uh, in 40 seconds. On a bell!

- 40 seconds?
- That's not good.

Is there... is there any way
I can give her live feedback?

I mean, you could probably
tweet at Hallmark

while the movie's airing,
but it's not gonna be live.

Not Lisa.

Can you give me an earpiece
so that I can...

I can talk to Grace,
tell her what she needs to say?

Oh, sure thing,

'cause a woman can't think for herself?

Cheryl, my penis has done
nothing to hurt you.

I need an IFB earpiece

and a comm mic.

We're going live in 30 seconds.

An earpiece, really?

Okay, okay, fine,

but I am freaking out,

so just keep it simple.

Of course I'll keep it simple.

You just need to emphasize

our affordability, practicality,

and versatility
to the best of your ability.

- What?
- 15 seconds.

Uh, and remember to smile.

Not like the clown from "It."

Yeah, better, and be relatable,

but... but don't try to be funny.

But have fun.

But... but don't laugh.

You snort when you laugh.

What else? Oh, oh, um, um...

Favor your left side, okay?

It's easy to remember,
because your right side,

for you, is your wrong side.

So, um...

Oh... and... and don't say "moist."

People hate the word "moist."

Why would that come up selling linens?

I'm just telling you
what the research says.

You're on in ten. Come on.

- Oh!
- Don't worry.

This does not have to be a disaster.

Disaster? Who said disaster?

Doesn't matter who said it.
It's been said.

Oh, the most important thing...

this is the thing not to forget.

- Yeah?
- In three...

Forget it.

Hi, I'm Grace Adler.

Hi, I'm Grace Adler.

Do you love your linens?

Because moist people don't.

I... I didn't...

I didn't mean to say "most."

Moist people don't.

I...

Can we cut to a commercial?

This is QVC, dude. We are the commercial.

Trust me, Drew,

no good has ever come

from a man coming out to his wife.

Don't you want to be
vice president one day?

But if I'm gay,

isn't coming out of the closet
a good thing?

It was once,

but you know how people used to think

eggs were good for you,

but then we discovered they weren't?

But eggs are good for you.

Tell that to the chicken
who just lost a child.

My point is, nobody knows
anything about anything.

Whoop! Whoop!

Wives entering premises!

Hello, husband.

Hello, wife.

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

So romantic.

Why don't we kiss like that?

It's a cop thing, Ang, okay?

If I get the flu,

people die.

Wait a minute.

This place reminds me of something.

That cat clock...

When I was little,
I was in a room just like this

with my mother...

And I was saying...

Mommy, why were you wrestling

with that man who wasn't Daddy?

And she said,

Oh, honey,

I know that looked like wrestling,

but actually,

we were having sex.

The important thing is,

you can't tell Daddy.

But I hate secrets.

You know what helps me?

A little comfort

from the South.

This is alcohol!

I'm not supposed to drink.

Now we both have secrets.

Why did we have to know that?

Because secrets ruin lives,

and here's the truth.

He's gay. He's gayer.

They're gay together.

And, honey, you don't want to be married

to a big 'mo,

or in this case,

a little 'mo.

Karen.

There's never a good time
to say this, but...

I think the pizza rolls are ready.

Thanks for staying with us

on the Grace by Grace Adler
Design linen showcase.

We just have... How many minutes left?

Uh, 28. You've only been
talking for two minutes.

Oy vey.

Less Jewish.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

Remember to smile.

Easy, Pennywise.

Okay.

Right now,

I would like to talk to you about, um...

Talk about value.

I would like to talk about value.

And then mention... mention price point.

I would like to talk to you
about value...

And then pivot into the phrase

"affordable luxury."

I would like to talk about value

and a second thing

and something affordable something.

What are you doing? You're bombing.

Okay, I am done with you, Will.

I'm doing me.

I had to get this man out of my hair.

Did she just take out her earpiece?

Not so fun when the puppet
cuts her strings, is it?

Yeah, look, this isn't working.

What other set
can we get ready in a hurry?

No, no, no, no, no,
I can... I can save this.

I could bore you

with a lot of facts
from a missing binder,

but let's talk about
creating a personal aesthetic.

That sounds great, Grace,

but what about price point?

What are you doing?

I just want to remind our viewers

that they could spend
up to three times as much

on a comparable luxury linen.

- What is happening?
- How nice.

My partner, Will Truman, has joined us,

because apparently,

he knows everything about everything.

I... I just hate to waste an opportunity

to talk about a great, affordable sheet,

especially when it might be

the only opportunity we ever have.

So you want to talk about this sheet?

'Cause I would love

to talk sheet to you right now.

Yeah?

Well, let the sheet-talking begin.

Stand by for Ruben Studdard's

Big & Bold Collection on stage C.

Did you just kill our segment?

I euthanized your segment.

Good going!

You just blew this for us!

Oh, I blew this for us?
You weren't selling any...

Why the hell did you cut away from them?

The callers loved the drama.

Turn the cameras back on!

Fine, uh, but know as your employee,

I feel demeaned by your tone.

I hear you and I respect
what you are saying,

and I am not asking as your boss.

I am asking

as your husband.

God, you turn me on.

Oh, you want to get into this now?

'Cause I will so get into this
with you now.

- Let's get into it!
- Okay, buckle up!

Click!

Okay, I admit it. This is good TV.

I'm still not talking to you.

Do you realize

how many lives you've ruined

with your truth bomb?

After we left, Angela...

poor, sweet, unsuspecting Angela...

confessed she suspected all along!

She told Drew, and I quote,

"Live your truth and be happy."

Drew, in turn, wished her the best,

and offered to set her up on OkCupid.

His mother and co-workers

are throwing him a coming out party!

We're both invited! This is on you, lady!

Poodle, I'm so sorry.

Sorry's not good enough, Karen.

I hate it when you use my Christian name.

It's too real.

It is real. I'm really mad at you.

I don't know what came over me.

I don't even believe in love.

I set up the Steve Mnuchins!

Would it help if you
slapped me across the face

as hard as you can?

That is completely ridiculous

and absolutely worth a shot.

All right, one shot.

As hard as you can. I deserve it.

Oh, it's Drew. He says he wants to...

Ow! What'd you do that for?

I don't know! I don't know!

All right, all right.
All right, try it again.

Your best shot.

Oh, crap, he's on his way up,

and he says he's...

Stop hitting me!

Oops.

- He's here.
- Don't worry, honey.

I'll take care of it.

Hey, guys.

I'm here, I'm queer,
and I'm getting used to it.

Oh, my God, that's so funny!

Drew, there's something very important

I'd like to say to you.

Karen.

Listen, piglet, we need to talk.

Oh, before I forget,

Angela wanted me to give you this.

She thought you seemed into it.

Oh, no.

It's happening again.

I'm with my mother,

and she's saying...

Baby, we're leaving.

Your stepdad had a... shaving accident.

I thought you loved Daddy number five!

Nope. You want to be happy, kid?

Don't fall in love.

I never did.

And look how happy I am!

What are you looking at?

But she wasn't happy.

She lied to herself and everyone else.

She went from man to man
and ended up dying alone

at a craps table.

She died in a casino?

No.

But the point is, you like this guy.

If you don't take a chance on love,

you could end up just like my mom,

sad and alone.

I can't. I...

I have HOMO FOMO.

Fear of missing out on another 'mo.

It's a never-ending buffet
of men out there.

What if I pick the stale cookie

right as they bring out the cheesecake?

But can't I be the cheesecake?

Drew, it's not about you.

Honey, if I were you,
I wouldn't be as worried

about HOMO FOMO.

I'd be more worried about SLO-LO-MO...

slowly turning into a lonely 'mo.

I'm gonna leave you two to kiss it out

or punch it out or...

rub your butts together

or whatever it is you two do.

So, what do you say, Jack?

This is such a predicament.

- On the one hand...
- You want to be with me.

This is a monologue, dear.

On the one hand, I want to be with him.

On the other hand,
I want to be with other hands.

It's just such a risk.

A risk?

I left my wife.

Yeah, that...

that is pretty big.

Look, I'm not asking for forever.

Can we just start with one night?

- Fine, one night.
- Yes.

I can't promise any more.

Unless you want to do brunch.

I'm really into brunch,
so we'd be doing that.

Oh, my God, first gay brunch.

Turkey bacon with a side of fruit.

I've been wanting to order that
since puberty.

But then that's it!

36 hours, and then you'll go.

Unless we decide to
binge-watch "Riverdale."

- Deal?
- Deal.

Ugh, I have so much to teach you.

Sweetie, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

No...

You created everything here,
and it's amazing,

and I should've just let you
do it your way

and left you alone.

I didn't listen to you,

and the collection is
affordable and versatile

and practical and all the things

that you wanted me to say.

I just hate that our nonsense

got in the way of us selling something

I'm so proud of.

I hate that it got in the way of us.

Yeah, me too.

You know I love you.

I love you too.

And that's a wrap

on the Grace Adler Design linen showcase.

What?

We were on camera this whole time?

Yeah. I don't usually go for

all that heteronormative stuff,

but there is something
strangely compelling

about the two of you.

What are you talking about?

The viewers loved you.
Look at these tweets.

Tweets are up here, Charlie.

"Love seeing a real married couple,

warts and all."

"They're just like me and my husband.

"He kept trying to talk about his thing

and the wife was a hot mess."

Oh, she thinks I'm hot.

Wait, does this mean we sold some sheets?

Oh, you sold everything.

Will!

We did it!

Oh!

Okay, okay, camera's off.

I am so proud of us!

Let's get a drink and celebrate!

You're buying. Me?

I bought last time. Fine, I'll buy.

Stop doing that!

Okay, this is crazy. Pick a number.

- 36.
- 19.

Oh, thank God. How?