All language subtitles for Will & Grace (1998) - S08E18 - Buy, Buy Baby 1080p WEBDL h264 AAC 2.0

Elizabeth! Do you or do you not know
how my Matthew McConaughey mug works?

When you fill it with
coffee, his shirt disappears.

And what happens when the coffee's gone?

His shirt comes back on.

Exactly. Now, if I wanted to see
Matthew McConaughey with his shirt on,

I'd look at Josh Lucas. Now
get out of my sight, Elizabeth!

Hi, Elizabeth.

So, uh, ready for lunch?

I made a reservation
at that place in Chelsea

with the crayons and
the leather place mats.

Oh, and that's my favorite
family S and M restaurant.

But, I can't. I have to prepare for my
interview today with Star Trek's George Takei.

Sulu? Lieutenant Sulu is
going to be on "JackTalk"?!

He is such an inspiration!
Coming out the way he did.

And I was always a fan. I
mean, I wasn't a Trekkie.

That's... that's geeky.
I was a Sulu-head.

An elite subset of soon
to be gay men who sensed

at an early age a kinship
with the character of Sulu,

based on his sensitivity and
lingering looks at Captain Kirk.

There he is. The queen of
late night, Jack McFormand.

That's not right, is it?
Anyway big celeb, huh?

George Hasato Takei, TV's Hikaru Sulu.

You can get all that, but
you can't get "McFarland"?

Look, Jack. OutTV was bought
by a large corporation.

What? All you gotta know is it's not
going to affect "JackTalk" in any way.

- You feelin' me?
- Yes, Jamie.

No, you're not. And I told you you can,
because my boyfriend's cool with it.

I could put sexual harrassment lawsuit
flyers in this lobby and retire.

All right, I'll see you later, Jack.

Oh. Uh, one little change.
You're getting co-host.

I can't believe this! My contract
specifically says "No co-host."

Uh... Actually, Jack,
it said "No Ho-Ho's."

Relax, guys. This is just
to widen our audience.

You know, get a fresh point of view.

Well, this co-host better
not steal focus from me.

I want a real toad. An Ed McMahon.

Hi! I'm Amber-Louise, from
the great state of Alabama.

Oh, even better. A British woman.

Oh, God! You made me
look so slutty! Nice job.

Thanks. My roommate's a drag queen.

Don't judge me. I just do his face.
I don't tuck it in or anything.

So what do you want? Lipstick, mascara?

Oh, I'm not going to be
buying any make-up today.

I don't really need it. I'm
pregnant, so... I have a natural glow.

Wow. It took a lot of balls to say that.

Hi, Grace... Wow. Look at you.

You know, most girls
who are knocked up

and abandoned by the love
of their life get a little down.

But you? You just keep piling on that
make-up as if you actually believe

that anybody's ever going
to find you attractive again.

I applaud your pluck.

I'm just so excited
about having this baby.

I have someone to love and take
care of for the rest of my life.

That is so... so cool.

Wow. Well, Grace... when
you say it like that,

it kind of makes me want
to get one of those things.

Hey. I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna get a baby!

Great. You go and get a baby.

Just remember, though, if
it's in a stroller, it's taken.

I'm gonna run upstairs
and get some giant bras.

Or as the rest of the
world calls it, B-cups.

Excuse me? [READING
HER NAME TAG] "Cricket"?

Could I pay you to have a baby for me?

What?! No. Having a baby is one
of nature's most sacred miracles.

You can't put a price tag on that.

A hundred grand, and I'll throw
in a tummy tuck after you pop.

Mary Jane! Cover for me.
I'm going on maternity leave.

This is so exciting.

I haven't been on TV
since I was a little girl.

And that was because our
neighbor shot his wife.

It was so sad, but since she
was dead, and he was on trial,

I got to use their pool
for two whole summers.

And that is what "JackTalk"
is all about, Amber-Louise.

Silver linings. Come on, let's sit down.

Now. If you're going to be my co-host,
you gotta learn how to keep up, all right?

Because during the show,
it gets ca-razy in here.

I jump around, I make puns. I
even rhyme words. It's insane.

Rain.

Jack, you're on in five minutes.

And I couldn't find your
Matthew McConaughey mug.

Well, find it, Elizabeth Ann!

My name's Dave. And I'm not gay at all.

Like, at all.

Hey! Back in your cage, straighty!

Hey, Jack. Is George Takei here
yet? I want him to sign his doll.

They started making these after he
came out of the closet. Listen to this.

DOLL: Beam me down,
Scotty. I'm going shopping!

It's pretty cool, huh? He also says,

"This planet has
breathable air, and Gucci."

Now. We're ready to
bring out George Takei.

Fun Fact: What he's
wearing today is ugly.

Jack, wait. That Star Wars guy...

He got pushed to tomorrow's show.

You know what they say.
Queer Takei, on tomorrow.

Why wasn't I tod about this?

Well, instead our parent company
thought I should try a segment of my own.

And I'll call it
"Amber-Louise's musings!"

And today's topic is, if you question our
president, then you're a dirty traitor!

Stars and dykes forever,
where did this come from?!

What the hell was that? Jamie,
exactly who bought OutTV?

Nimbus Television Networks. Which is
owned by Digicity Global Worldwide.

Which is a division of the
Department of Homeland Security.

Which I believe is owned by Nabisco.

Cookies and the Bush administration.

The gay community's two worst enemies
have joined forces to bring us down.

Well, Cricket. It looks like you're
in perfect shape to be my surrogate.

Oh. You sailed right
through the breast exam.

Yeah, about that. Shouldn't
a doctor have done it?

Why? So you can squirm
away from him, too?

Karen?!

What is this surrogate contract
you asked Will to draw up for you?

Wait a minute. What is the
make-up lady doing here?

I didn't take the lipstick.
It just fell into my purse.

She's my surrogate! Isn't it a hoot?

And I have a name, by the
way. It's Cricket Walker.

Karen, you can not just-- Wait
a minute. You took Karen's name?

Well, we are having a baby
together. I'm a little old-fashioned.

You rang?

Yes, Lurch. Cricket here
will be staying with us.

Please arrange for a closet
of clothes, her favorite foods,

and the implantation
of her tracking chip.

Is this bitch for real?

Hey. That bitch is the
reason I have a home.

And two million in a trust fund
I get when I turn thirty-five.

Karen, this is insane.
And I say that as a friend,

not one of the demon
voices that guides you.

How dare you judge me?

You got pregnant by your
ex-husband on an airplane

and you haven't even told him yet. Huh.

You just don't want anybody else to have
a baby because you want all the attention.

Oh. Oh, okay. Wow. That's
what this is all about.

Because I'm having a baby, you have
to have one too. You're jealous.

That's absurd.

You know, most women would be thrilled
to be pregnant at the same time

as their best friend's
cosmetic counter surrogate.

Maybe you're just jealous because
you're only getting a baby,

but I'm getting a baby
and a free make-up tote!

What was Amber-Louise
doing on the show today?

That song and dance number attacking
Hilary Clinton's legislative record?

Pretty controversial. I mean, this move?

It's so 80's. We are
going to get letters.

Jack, OutTV was bought by
right-wing conservatives.

Amber-Louise is just a mouth
piece for your new bosses.

You know, I kinda figured
that's how she got the job.

But I didn't want to say anything,
because, you know... glass houses...

They're using your show
to push their agenda.

I mean, even your studio
audience is changing.

There were people out
there with mullets!

And they weren't even lesbians!

Jamie. Is this true?

You bet, Jack. Now you get on board, or
there's going to be serious ramifications.

It doesn't mean what you think.

Well, I'm not changing my show!

I'm not gonna let it be some
platform for spewing left-wing--

Right-wing.

Right wing garbage that
pushes the Democratic--

- Republican.
- Republican magenta.

Agenda. And good. I'm glad
you're not compromising.

I'd hate to see you roll over and take
it. Again, doesn't mean what you think.

Hey, Jack. I was wondering,
maybe during interviews,

you could ask people
really tough questions.

Not that I'm going to bomb them
or torture them or anything--

Not that I'm totally against torture.

You know, sometimes it's the only
way to get reliable information.

Forget it, A.L. No changes.

"JackTalk" will remain the beacon
of integrity it's always been.

Now. If you'll excuse me, I have
to go prep for tomorrow's segment,

"Photographing Your Dog's Junk."

Jack! You're making a huge mistake!

If you want to get to the top,
you gotta compromise, like me.

What are you compromising?

Okay.

I'm-a let you in on a little secret.

I'm not who you think I am.

My real name is Peg, and
I'm a hard-core lesbian.

I'm into leather play,
butch black girls, skunkin',

pullin' the blinds, and poodle-ballin'.

Whatever you got, I'll eat
it, snort it, or ride it, baby!

Look. Go along with this and
it'll work for you. Look at me.

I clear a 165 dollars a week.
I moved out of my storage unit.

I'm on TV! I'm the freakin' dream!

You present a compelling case.

I'm gonna have to wrestle
with this for a while.

Elizabeth, get the baby oil!

Cricket? I've been watching
you on the monitors and...

you seem unhappy.

Is there anything I can do to
make your stay more comfortable?

Well. You know how you're
always walking around here drunk,

and popping pills and what not?

And following me into the shower...
and throwing hot coffee on me...

and climbing into bed with
me, hysterically crying

and making me spoon you
until you fall asleep?

You gotta knock that off.

Ha ha! You are cute as a button. Boop.

So, why haven't I seen
this husband of yours?

Oh. He's on a business
trip in the Phillipines.

I like Filipinos. They're
Asian, but not cocky about it.

Well, as soon as he gets
back, I'd like to meet him.

You know, when possible,
I like to talk to a man

before he puts a load
in my laundry basket.

I'm not in my twenties anymore.

Oh, honey. Uh... I've been thinking.

Maybe it's best if
you don't meet Stanley.

Why? Is he famous or
something? Is he Stanley Tucci?

Oh, my God! It's Stanley Tucci!
I'm having Stanley Tucci's baby!

No, honey, it's not Stanley
Tucci. Come on. Sit down.

The thing is... I haven't told my
husband. I'm keeping it a secret.

Yeah. When the baby is born, I'm
going to put it in a Pringles can

and store it in the cupboard,
and then when he opens can,

the baby pops out, and
we'll be really happy.

Are you sure you are going to
be able to keep a baby alive?

We're sure going to try.

Five minutes, Mr. Takei. Oh,
did you get your gift basket?

There was only a half-eaten
muffin and a dirty freezer bag.

Just wanted to make sure you got it.

Mr. Takei? I'm a huge fan.
Would you sign my doll? Oh, God.

That sounded so girly.

I'm an admirer of your
work. Would you sign my doll?

GEORGE TAKEI: Of course.

I really respect you for coming
out. Though I always knew.

Like, in that episode Yeoman Rand was
wearing that off the shoulder gown?

I swear you slipped and said,
"Set your phasers on stunning."

GEORGE TAKEI: I did. Shatner
laughed so hard, he split his girdle.

Oh, George. Such an honor to meet you.

Hey, are you done with that gift bag?

I have a wet bathing
suit I wanna bring home.

Hi! I'm Amber-Louise. So nice
to meet you. God bless America.

And by that, I mean all Americans.

Even the ones that need to be jailed
without due process now and then.

So, listen, George.

The network asked that
you not mention you're gay.

Or any General Mills products.

What?

He will do nothing of the
sort! And do you know why?

Because this is Sulu. An original
member from a show called Star Trek.

Do you know what that show was about?

Paper-mache rocks and Christmas
lights poking through cardboard?

It was about tolerance and acceptance,

no matter what your color,
species, or hairstyle.

Did Spock hide his ears? Did Uhuru
hide her femininity? Did Sulu hide his?

Yes, he did. But it was a
different time, we forgive you.

The point is that no one on that bridge
compromised who or what they were.

That's what the show was about?
Well, now I'm glad I did it.

Come on, Jack. The show's starting.

Make up your mind, George.
Are you with us, or against us?

And by "us", I mean the troops.

George. Jack will do the right thing.

Why don't you go grab yourself an
Oreo? Which are suddenly everywhere.

What are you doing? You can't
let these people push you around.

Look, I don't want to lose my job.

I am too long and too
hard to lose all this now.

Yes, Jack, you have worked
very long and very hard.

But you have never
compromised who you are.

Jack, you're on. Here's your coffee.

Uh, Elizabeth? This is not
my Matthew McConaughey mug.

Yeah, the network won't
let you have him anymore.

You have to drink out
of Salma Hayek now.

And we're on in five.
Four, three, two...

Welcome to "Talk Time USA"!

Hi, I'm Amber-Louise. And this is Jack.

Today's special guest got
his name in outer space,

but back here on Earth, he is legendary
ladies' man and pro-life activist--

No! I won't do it! George Takei
is a prancing, giggling queen!

And I will not slander his good
name by implying he's straight.

You were right, Will!

Live long and prosper, Jack!

I have never compromised myself
before and I'm not about to start now.

No man should ever be forced
to drink out of Salma Hayek.

I'll take her.

I'm sure you'll be happy to
know... that Quicket crit.

I mean Quicket crit! Damn
it, that is so hard to say.

All right, let me try this.

Quicket is not going to carry my craby.

Karen, why do you all of the
sudden want to have a baby?

I mean, if it's not because of
me, there has to be a reason.

And please don't tell me

it's so you'll have a baby Jesus
for your live nativity display.

Okay, Grace. Let's
just drop it shall we?

Let's talk about
something more pleasant.

So. Guess who has a mole the
size of an eyeball on their thigh?

You know what? Forget it.

I tried to be a friend, and for
some reason you won't let me. So...

No, Grace.

Stanley and I are
having problems, and I...

I thought maybe having
a baby would help.

Karen, I had no idea.

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.

Ever since he came back from
the dead, he's been different.

I mean, not like a
zombie or anything, but...

I don't know. Even the sex is different.

Gosh, I can't tell you how long it's been
since we've skunked, or poodle-balled.

Have you tried lighting candles?

I'm thinking about leaving him, Grace.

Oh, Karen.

All right, fine.

I may have been fired by
the people who brought us

Guantanamo Bay
and Reduced Fat Triskets,

but at least I leave
here with my dignity!

Please, Amber-Louise, take me back!

Ah! Bitch, get out of here!

You spilled my Skittles! Get off!

Please, Amber-Louise! I need this job!

We're leaving with your
dignity, remember, Jack?