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[bright tune]
2
00:00:03,542 --> 00:00:05,799
- "Will & Grace"
is recorded in front of
3
00:00:05,847 --> 00:00:07,892
a live studio audience.
4
00:00:07,931 --> 00:00:10,572
[sighs]
All right, let's hear it.
5
00:00:10,610 --> 00:00:13,665
It's divorce lawyer.
Stan has a new offer.
6
00:00:13,704 --> 00:00:14,961
What's up, "Jew"?
7
00:00:14,999 --> 00:00:16,920
- Karen!
8
00:00:16,959 --> 00:00:20,561
- Grace, what must
you think of me?
9
00:00:20,599 --> 00:00:22,818
Divorce lawyer is Chinese.
10
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,238
His name is Ju.
11
00:00:27,418 --> 00:00:31,759
- I'm Korean,
and my name is Joe.
12
00:00:31,807 --> 00:00:35,275
- Either way, you kids are
killing it at the science fair.
13
00:00:35,313 --> 00:00:36,821
[clears throat]
14
00:00:39,826 --> 00:00:41,085
All right, what's up?
15
00:00:41,123 --> 00:00:43,255
- I've got some bad news.
16
00:00:43,294 --> 00:00:45,638
Stan has photographic evidence
of your affair with Malcolm.
17
00:00:45,676 --> 00:00:47,520
This could
significantly lower
18
00:00:47,559 --> 00:00:49,066
the money you'll get
in a settlement.
19
00:00:49,105 --> 00:00:50,612
- Less money?
20
00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:53,081
Are we both high?
21
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,040
[upbeat music]
22
00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:57,009
- Oh, no, I didn't want
whipped cream on it.
23
00:00:57,047 --> 00:00:58,133
- So you're saying
I did it wrong?
24
00:00:58,181 --> 00:00:59,727
- No, I just--
- No, no.
25
00:00:59,765 --> 00:01:01,523
I made a mistake
and you pointed it out
26
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:04,741
because that's what you do--
shame people.
27
00:01:04,779 --> 00:01:06,498
- I don't think I shame people.
28
00:01:06,536 --> 00:01:09,216
- Sounds like you do.
- Thank you, Barry.
29
00:01:09,254 --> 00:01:10,465
- Message received.
30
00:01:10,513 --> 00:01:13,519
We don't always
get what we want.
31
00:01:13,557 --> 00:01:14,978
Why are we meeting here?
32
00:01:15,026 --> 00:01:16,573
I thought we were going
to a gay bar.
33
00:01:16,612 --> 00:01:19,291
- What's that?
34
00:01:19,330 --> 00:01:21,087
- A bar.
- And what are these?
35
00:01:21,125 --> 00:01:22,711
- Gays.
36
00:01:22,758 --> 00:01:24,843
- I rest my face, Judge Moody.
37
00:01:24,891 --> 00:01:27,733
[upbeat trumpet
and piano music]
38
00:01:27,772 --> 00:01:34,543
♪
39
00:01:36,637 --> 00:01:38,307
- Oh, my God.
40
00:01:38,346 --> 00:01:40,104
Did you read the story about
what's going on in Venezuela?
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00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:42,197
- Is it the one about the gay
man who died alone because
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00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:44,954
he read news alerts instead of
checking out the hotties?
43
00:01:46,327 --> 00:01:49,718
Nice "Maddows," Rachel.
44
00:01:49,756 --> 00:01:52,262
You need to work a sexy
professor vibe, all right?
45
00:01:52,310 --> 00:01:53,771
Take note.
46
00:01:53,809 --> 00:01:55,989
Okay, when you wanna flirt,
47
00:01:56,028 --> 00:01:57,746
take them off
and bite them gently
48
00:01:57,785 --> 00:01:59,878
like a playful terrier.
49
00:02:07,274 --> 00:02:09,906
This indicates thinking.
50
00:02:09,944 --> 00:02:12,162
- Or you could just think.
51
00:02:12,201 --> 00:02:15,131
- How would anyone know?
52
00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:17,474
And then,
slowly put them back on,
53
00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:19,058
and say...
54
00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:20,941
Ronan Farrow Sinatra,
it's America's hottest
55
00:02:20,979 --> 00:02:22,612
gay news anchor,
McCoy Whitman
56
00:02:22,650 --> 00:02:25,580
from Channel Four's News Center
at 6:00 and 10:00.
57
00:02:26,627 --> 00:02:28,423
- Why would I say--
oh, my God.
58
00:02:28,461 --> 00:02:30,142
It's McCoy Whitman from
Channel Four's New Center
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00:02:30,180 --> 00:02:32,187
at 6:00 and 10:00.
60
00:02:32,226 --> 00:02:34,070
I fantasize about him
every night,
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00:02:34,109 --> 00:02:37,038
right about 6:30 and 10:30.
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00:02:39,247 --> 00:02:42,052
- I'm thinking,
as you could tell...
63
00:02:44,058 --> 00:02:45,855
That you need my help.
- Why?
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00:02:45,893 --> 00:02:48,611
McCoy and I would
be perfect together.
65
00:02:48,659 --> 00:02:50,829
Ooh, I'm gonna talk to him
about Venezuela.
66
00:02:50,868 --> 00:02:52,626
- No, no,
or as they say in Venezuela...
67
00:02:52,664 --> 00:02:55,007
[Spanish accent]
No.
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00:02:55,046 --> 00:02:56,266
He's not into smarties.
69
00:02:56,304 --> 00:02:58,273
- How would you know?
- Trust me, Will.
70
00:02:58,311 --> 00:03:01,366
I know these
high-end homos, okay?
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00:03:01,404 --> 00:03:04,372
They want a boy toy
that's fun and frothy.
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00:03:04,410 --> 00:03:06,043
The last thing he wants is
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00:03:06,081 --> 00:03:09,471
someone using big words
like "indubitably,"
74
00:03:09,510 --> 00:03:13,314
or--or "del-ubitably."
75
00:03:13,362 --> 00:03:15,283
- So, what,
I'm just supposed to giggle,
76
00:03:15,321 --> 00:03:17,367
and bat my eyes
and say things like,
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00:03:17,415 --> 00:03:21,045
"Oh, my God, "RuPaul's
Drag Race" gives me life.
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00:03:21,093 --> 00:03:23,139
I love every one
of those queens."
79
00:03:23,177 --> 00:03:25,108
- Who's your favorite?
80
00:03:29,036 --> 00:03:32,253
- I can't remember
any of their names right now.
81
00:03:32,291 --> 00:03:36,344
- Of course you can't.
Names are hard.
82
00:03:36,392 --> 00:03:39,187
I'm McCoy.
- I'm, um...
83
00:03:39,235 --> 00:03:41,493
- Will, your name is Will.
- Will...[laughs]
84
00:03:41,531 --> 00:03:44,412
I know--I know my name.
85
00:03:44,460 --> 00:03:46,170
- So you're the smart one,
86
00:03:46,209 --> 00:03:49,262
and you are the delightful,
shallow friend.
87
00:03:49,310 --> 00:03:51,693
I have a similar dynamic
with a buddy of mine.
88
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,027
I'd say who it is,
but out of respect
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00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,699
for his privacy,
I'm not going to.
90
00:03:54,737 --> 00:03:57,628
- Well, we would never ask--
- It's Andy Cohen.
91
00:03:58,665 --> 00:04:01,008
[chuckles]
Stop looking for a pore.
92
00:04:01,047 --> 00:04:03,813
You're not gonna find one.
93
00:04:03,851 --> 00:04:06,819
- You're like a dolphin.
94
00:04:06,858 --> 00:04:09,450
- Hey, would you like
to go out sometime?
95
00:04:09,498 --> 00:04:11,209
- Absolutely.
- Great.
96
00:04:11,247 --> 00:04:12,879
Call me.
97
00:04:12,927 --> 00:04:14,176
- What's your number?
98
00:04:14,214 --> 00:04:16,769
- My number is,
I'm McCoy Whitman.
99
00:04:16,808 --> 00:04:19,151
Your smart friend
can figure it out.
100
00:04:21,572 --> 00:04:22,666
- You're a genius.
101
00:04:22,704 --> 00:04:23,953
- "Del-ubitably."
102
00:04:24,001 --> 00:04:26,422
[upbeat music]
103
00:04:26,470 --> 00:04:28,429
- Oh, Karen, I'm so sorry.
104
00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:30,561
- It's not just
about the money.
105
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,280
It's about how after everything
106
00:04:32,318 --> 00:04:35,699
Stan's put me through, he wins.
107
00:04:35,747 --> 00:04:38,091
- Well, he shouldn't.
He had affairs too.
108
00:04:38,129 --> 00:04:40,972
- I know, but without
photographic evidence,
109
00:04:41,011 --> 00:04:42,307
I can't prove it,
110
00:04:42,346 --> 00:04:45,313
and what kind of depraved,
disgusting woman
111
00:04:45,361 --> 00:04:47,906
is gonna keep photographs
of herself basically
112
00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:50,874
making love to a manatee
in sock garters?
113
00:04:52,382 --> 00:04:56,147
- And that's called
a "Stuffed Knish."
114
00:04:56,185 --> 00:04:58,068
Happy Bar Mitzvah, Reuben.
115
00:04:58,106 --> 00:05:00,574
Today, you are a man.
116
00:05:00,613 --> 00:05:02,332
- Lorraine Finster,
117
00:05:02,371 --> 00:05:06,010
or as the boys in London call
the space between her legs,
118
00:05:06,049 --> 00:05:07,931
"The British Open."
119
00:05:07,970 --> 00:05:10,860
♪
120
00:05:12,282 --> 00:05:12,446
.
121
00:05:12,484 --> 00:05:15,999
[upbeat music]
122
00:05:20,763 --> 00:05:24,028
- Stay for dinner?
I couldn't possibly.
123
00:05:24,066 --> 00:05:25,987
Well, if you insist.
124
00:05:28,916 --> 00:05:30,377
- You can't.
125
00:05:30,416 --> 00:05:31,923
I'm cooking for McCoy Whitman.
126
00:05:31,962 --> 00:05:35,314
Wow, for once I'm saying that,
and it's actually true.
127
00:05:35,352 --> 00:05:37,695
What do you serve the
most trusted man in news?
128
00:05:37,733 --> 00:05:40,154
And then it hit me--
129
00:05:40,202 --> 00:05:42,248
beef bourguignon.
130
00:05:42,286 --> 00:05:44,928
- What are you doing?
131
00:05:44,966 --> 00:05:47,012
Cooking food only
smart people can pronounce
132
00:05:47,060 --> 00:05:50,527
in your fancy apartment with
books full of words in them?
133
00:05:50,565 --> 00:05:52,611
He's gonna think you're you.
134
00:05:52,659 --> 00:05:53,908
Is that what you want,
135
00:05:53,956 --> 00:05:57,211
'cause it tain't what he wants.
136
00:05:57,260 --> 00:05:59,218
- Oh, right.
I'm not supposed to be smart.
137
00:05:59,257 --> 00:06:00,765
What do I do?
- Okay, okay.
138
00:06:00,804 --> 00:06:02,647
I'm your wingman, all right?
Let me just take care of this.
139
00:06:02,685 --> 00:06:05,154
Let me see.
140
00:06:05,192 --> 00:06:08,372
Wingman, sing man, ding man,
bing-bang-bongman--I got it.
141
00:06:08,420 --> 00:06:10,215
He already thinks
I'm a smarty, okay?
142
00:06:10,254 --> 00:06:12,050
I'll say this is my apartment
and that I cooked the meal,
143
00:06:12,098 --> 00:06:13,808
and you sometimes
use this place.
144
00:06:13,846 --> 00:06:15,565
He'll see me put the finishing
touches on the meal...
145
00:06:15,603 --> 00:06:16,900
- Browning the shallots
in butter and garlic
146
00:06:16,938 --> 00:06:18,907
and adding it in.
147
00:06:22,798 --> 00:06:25,217
- If that's a thing, sure.
148
00:06:25,256 --> 00:06:26,514
And then I'll serve it,
and I'll leave.
149
00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:28,098
- Okay, but what about me?
150
00:06:28,146 --> 00:06:29,818
How am I supposed to be
this person he thinks I am?
151
00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:32,037
- All you have to do is act.
152
00:06:32,075 --> 00:06:34,082
Think of someone
fun and frivolous,
153
00:06:34,121 --> 00:06:37,088
maybe a little bit dim,
and become that person.
154
00:06:44,570 --> 00:06:46,539
You know anybody like that?
155
00:06:52,935 --> 00:06:55,144
- Yes, yes, I do.
156
00:06:55,192 --> 00:06:57,824
- Okay, anybody I know?
157
00:06:57,862 --> 00:07:00,168
- Clearly not.
158
00:07:00,206 --> 00:07:02,924
- Okay, you know you're making
a really ugly face right now.
159
00:07:02,963 --> 00:07:05,892
[mellow music]
160
00:07:06,813 --> 00:07:09,647
["Hava Nagila" playing]
161
00:07:09,695 --> 00:07:16,044
♪
162
00:07:16,092 --> 00:07:19,011
- Hello, my name is Reuben,
and today, I'm a bar mitzvah.
163
00:07:19,059 --> 00:07:21,105
Can I have a private dance
in the champagne room?
164
00:07:21,143 --> 00:07:22,363
- How dare you.
165
00:07:22,402 --> 00:07:24,783
I am a lady of quality.
166
00:07:24,821 --> 00:07:27,290
- I have a $180 savings bond.
167
00:07:27,328 --> 00:07:30,047
- Well, Reuben,
you should've opened with that.
168
00:07:30,095 --> 00:07:32,937
[sultry music playing]
169
00:07:32,976 --> 00:07:37,278
♪
170
00:07:37,327 --> 00:07:38,575
- Hi, Lorraine.
171
00:07:38,623 --> 00:07:40,208
I don't know
if you remember me.
172
00:07:40,247 --> 00:07:42,254
I'm--
- You're Patty.
173
00:07:42,302 --> 00:07:43,512
You live with that
gay guy, Bill.
174
00:07:43,551 --> 00:07:45,346
- That's us.
175
00:07:45,394 --> 00:07:47,229
I will get right down to it.
176
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:49,198
You wouldn't happen
to have photos of you
177
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:52,041
and Stanley Walker in, say,
178
00:07:52,079 --> 00:07:53,663
compromising situations?
179
00:07:53,711 --> 00:07:55,133
- Do I ever, but look,
180
00:07:55,171 --> 00:07:56,680
if you wanna stay here
at Suckingham Palace,
181
00:07:56,718 --> 00:07:58,687
you're gonna have to pay,
182
00:07:58,725 --> 00:08:00,272
unless you're a member
of the royal family.
183
00:08:00,310 --> 00:08:01,693
House Rules.
184
00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,325
- Oh, okay.
185
00:08:03,364 --> 00:08:06,168
♪
186
00:08:06,206 --> 00:08:07,465
- What are you doing?
187
00:08:07,503 --> 00:08:11,095
- I gave you five.
I'm making change.
188
00:08:11,144 --> 00:08:12,690
- Get off.
189
00:08:12,728 --> 00:08:14,188
- Okay, fine.
190
00:08:14,236 --> 00:08:16,195
Look, is there
any way possible that
191
00:08:16,243 --> 00:08:18,078
I could get a copy
of those photos?
192
00:08:18,117 --> 00:08:19,835
- Oooh,
193
00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:23,302
Patty's a nasty
little piggy, isn't she?
194
00:08:23,341 --> 00:08:24,436
Wait a minute.
195
00:08:24,474 --> 00:08:25,723
You're a friend
of Karen Walker's.
196
00:08:25,771 --> 00:08:28,066
Ooh, she wants those pictures
for her divorce.
197
00:08:28,114 --> 00:08:29,363
You tell her, no bloody way.
198
00:08:29,401 --> 00:08:31,533
- Okay, you do not like Karen,
199
00:08:31,581 --> 00:08:33,205
but isn't this really about
200
00:08:33,253 --> 00:08:35,423
women looking out
for other women?
201
00:08:35,471 --> 00:08:37,853
- Bite me, Patty.
202
00:08:37,891 --> 00:08:41,609
You go on and on
about women's power,
203
00:08:41,657 --> 00:08:42,992
and all the time,
204
00:08:43,030 --> 00:08:45,085
you're just looking down
your fake nose at me.
205
00:08:45,124 --> 00:08:46,631
- Okay, first of all,
206
00:08:46,670 --> 00:08:48,840
I don't have a fake nose.
207
00:08:48,888 --> 00:08:50,761
- All right, Doug,
I'm taking me break.
208
00:08:50,809 --> 00:08:53,729
- No breaks!
- I'm union now!
209
00:08:58,042 --> 00:08:59,924
- Lorraine, look,
I'm not looking down on you.
210
00:08:59,962 --> 00:09:01,211
- Prove it.
- How?
211
00:09:01,259 --> 00:09:02,844
- Take over for me.
212
00:09:02,892 --> 00:09:04,140
You do a decent pole,
I'll give you the photos.
213
00:09:04,178 --> 00:09:06,185
- What, me?
Strip?
214
00:09:06,233 --> 00:09:08,951
I-I say with no judgment.
215
00:09:08,990 --> 00:09:10,825
I'm not really a dancer.
216
00:09:10,873 --> 00:09:12,755
I'm--I'm--
I'm more of a singer.
217
00:09:12,794 --> 00:09:14,426
- [sighs]
218
00:09:14,464 --> 00:09:17,182
- Ballads, mostly...
[chuckles]
219
00:09:17,221 --> 00:09:20,314
[operatic voice]
♪ Ave Mari--
220
00:09:20,362 --> 00:09:22,494
- Do you want the photos?
221
00:09:24,203 --> 00:09:25,413
- I do.
I do.
222
00:09:25,461 --> 00:09:27,171
It's just, my back is bad.
223
00:09:27,219 --> 00:09:30,014
- Your front's
not so great either,
224
00:09:30,053 --> 00:09:31,685
but it's good enough
for a Tuesday night.
225
00:09:31,733 --> 00:09:32,982
Come on.
226
00:09:33,020 --> 00:09:36,661
♪
227
00:09:36,699 --> 00:09:38,629
[knocking]
[cork pops]
228
00:09:43,605 --> 00:09:45,986
- Hello.
- Hi.
229
00:09:46,024 --> 00:09:47,321
What's going on?
Why are you here?
230
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:48,992
Where's Will?
- Ooh,
231
00:09:49,030 --> 00:09:50,913
hard-hitting questions.
232
00:09:50,961 --> 00:09:53,007
Did Will not tell you
the date was at my apartment?
233
00:09:53,045 --> 00:09:54,380
Classic Will.
234
00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:57,560
Not much going on in the
old brain department,
235
00:09:57,607 --> 00:09:59,154
but he's my friend,
so I look after him.
236
00:09:59,192 --> 00:10:00,902
He lives next door.
Wine?
237
00:10:00,950 --> 00:10:02,996
- Please.
238
00:10:03,034 --> 00:10:05,588
It's a nice place.
What do you do?
239
00:10:05,627 --> 00:10:06,635
- I'm a lawyer.
240
00:10:06,674 --> 00:10:08,181
Well, I was a lawyer.
241
00:10:08,220 --> 00:10:11,649
Now I'm a person
who teaches people
242
00:10:11,687 --> 00:10:13,156
who want to be lawyers.
243
00:10:13,195 --> 00:10:14,405
- You mean a law professor?
244
00:10:14,443 --> 00:10:16,874
- I mean what I said.
245
00:10:16,912 --> 00:10:19,803
I'd better check on
the beef bourgnonnonnon.
246
00:10:23,894 --> 00:10:25,105
- So, have you and Will
ever dated?
247
00:10:25,153 --> 00:10:26,699
- Oh, God, no, no, no.
248
00:10:26,737 --> 00:10:28,572
He's way too much of
a lightweight for me.
249
00:10:28,620 --> 00:10:30,415
- There is no such thing.
250
00:10:30,454 --> 00:10:31,674
In my line of work,
251
00:10:31,712 --> 00:10:34,680
I'm fed a steady diet
of sophisticates.
252
00:10:34,719 --> 00:10:39,357
I need to come home
to intellectual applesauce.
253
00:10:39,405 --> 00:10:42,287
- Who's easy on the eyes
and heard everywhere else?
254
00:10:46,589 --> 00:10:47,973
- Perfect.
255
00:10:51,065 --> 00:10:51,277
.
256
00:10:51,315 --> 00:10:53,236
[upbeat music]
257
00:10:53,284 --> 00:10:55,790
[sultry music playing]
258
00:10:55,828 --> 00:10:57,211
[men booing]
- Hey!
259
00:10:57,250 --> 00:10:59,008
Hey, hey, hey!
260
00:10:59,046 --> 00:11:02,975
This is what
a real woman looks like!
261
00:11:03,023 --> 00:11:04,770
- Hello, Lorraine.
262
00:11:04,818 --> 00:11:06,950
You're looking...
263
00:11:06,989 --> 00:11:08,410
That's all I got.
264
00:11:08,449 --> 00:11:10,629
♪
265
00:11:10,668 --> 00:11:13,011
- Last roll.
Would you like to share?
266
00:11:13,049 --> 00:11:15,095
- I always like to "Cher."
267
00:11:15,143 --> 00:11:16,814
[imitates Cher]
Whoaaa.
268
00:11:19,533 --> 00:11:21,828
- You do not disappoint.
- [chuckles]
269
00:11:21,876 --> 00:11:23,585
- You know,
I hate to drop names,
270
00:11:23,624 --> 00:11:25,881
but Cher and I have homes right
next to each other in Brazil.
271
00:11:25,929 --> 00:11:29,684
- Gisele Bundchen Brady,
I love Brazil!
272
00:11:29,732 --> 00:11:31,442
I love their wax.
I love their nuts.
273
00:11:31,490 --> 00:11:33,660
I love the way
they wax their nuts.
274
00:11:33,698 --> 00:11:35,120
- You know, I just realized.
275
00:11:35,168 --> 00:11:36,416
I never asked
what you do for a living,
276
00:11:36,455 --> 00:11:38,338
or is your job just being cute?
277
00:11:38,386 --> 00:11:40,259
- Being cute's my side hustle.
278
00:11:42,391 --> 00:11:44,023
But my dream is to bring back
279
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:46,616
my one-man show,
"Watch Will."
280
00:11:46,655 --> 00:11:48,586
[dishes clattering]
281
00:11:51,591 --> 00:11:52,926
[chuckles]
Don't go anywhere.
282
00:11:52,974 --> 00:11:54,895
We'll be right back
with sports, weather,
283
00:11:54,934 --> 00:11:56,605
and 2% body fat.
284
00:11:56,652 --> 00:11:58,650
- Yeah, news jokes
are kinda my thing.
285
00:11:58,698 --> 00:12:00,830
[both laugh]
286
00:12:00,870 --> 00:12:03,002
- You've been imitating me.
- Jack, I'm sorry.
287
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:04,509
- I told you
to think of someone fun,
288
00:12:04,548 --> 00:12:06,305
frivolous, and dim,
and you picked me.
289
00:12:06,343 --> 00:12:08,226
- Well, I'm working so hard
to land this guy.
290
00:12:08,264 --> 00:12:10,147
I didn't intend--
- No, just stop.
291
00:12:10,195 --> 00:12:11,866
[sighs]
292
00:12:11,905 --> 00:12:15,208
I have never in my 34 years...
293
00:12:18,926 --> 00:12:22,441
Been so deeply, deeply...
294
00:12:22,479 --> 00:12:24,573
flattered.
- I'm so--
295
00:12:27,166 --> 00:12:28,501
What did you say?
296
00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:30,547
- You could've chosen
anybody to be that hottie's
297
00:12:30,585 --> 00:12:33,178
ultimate boy toy,
and you picked me,
298
00:12:33,226 --> 00:12:34,974
and that means so much.
299
00:12:35,022 --> 00:12:36,819
- I was afraid
you'd be offended.
300
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:39,075
- Offended, question mark?
301
00:12:40,784 --> 00:12:43,714
I am engaged, exclam, exclam.
302
00:12:45,722 --> 00:12:49,111
Estefan and I are
completely monogam-ish.
303
00:12:51,743 --> 00:12:54,125
I don't get to have these
kind of fun flings anymore.
304
00:12:54,164 --> 00:12:55,882
I desperately
need you to go back
305
00:12:55,921 --> 00:12:58,390
and tag that buck
while being me.
306
00:12:58,428 --> 00:12:59,974
- Oh, so that way,
307
00:13:00,012 --> 00:13:02,606
you can have sex
with him vicariously.
308
00:13:02,654 --> 00:13:04,786
- I don't know that word.
309
00:13:04,824 --> 00:13:06,073
- Vicarious--
- And neither do you.
310
00:13:06,121 --> 00:13:07,667
- Right, right...
[laughs]
311
00:13:07,705 --> 00:13:08,964
It's hard to keep track
of what I don't know.
312
00:13:09,002 --> 00:13:12,306
- It's pretty much
everything, yeah.
313
00:13:12,344 --> 00:13:14,352
Look, now, we need you,
314
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,656
who's really me, to come up
with a good reason
315
00:13:16,695 --> 00:13:18,453
to get rid of me,
who's really you.
316
00:13:18,491 --> 00:13:19,913
- Huh.
- Okay, let's see.
317
00:13:19,951 --> 00:13:21,420
Let's see.
Reason.
318
00:13:21,459 --> 00:13:23,006
Reason, beason...
319
00:13:23,044 --> 00:13:25,138
- Kleeson, tweezin...
320
00:13:25,176 --> 00:13:26,770
both: Sneezin'!
321
00:13:26,809 --> 00:13:28,653
- Yes, when I think
it's time for you to go,
322
00:13:28,691 --> 00:13:30,026
I'll signal you by sneezing.
323
00:13:30,074 --> 00:13:31,783
- Okay.
Oh, my God.
324
00:13:31,822 --> 00:13:33,369
I can't believe I'm gonna
have sex with McCoy Whitman
325
00:13:33,417 --> 00:13:35,049
through you.
326
00:13:35,087 --> 00:13:36,672
- Later,
when we tell this story,
327
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,265
let's use different words.
328
00:13:39,304 --> 00:13:40,648
- Look, Lorraine.
329
00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:44,912
I know you're just an old,
jaded, withered slag.
330
00:13:44,951 --> 00:13:46,460
- Go on.
331
00:13:46,498 --> 00:13:50,676
- But I'd like to appeal to
the young withered slag within.
332
00:13:50,724 --> 00:13:52,808
Can't you just
give me the photos
333
00:13:52,856 --> 00:13:54,854
of you having sex
with my ex-husband?
334
00:13:54,901 --> 00:13:57,034
- Well, I'm gonna tell you
what I told Maggie.
335
00:13:57,072 --> 00:14:00,338
Yes, I've always known
her real name.
336
00:14:00,376 --> 00:14:03,382
I'm not gonna do it 'cause you
think you're better than me.
337
00:14:03,430 --> 00:14:06,397
You ain't never getting
your hands on my phone.
338
00:14:06,437 --> 00:14:08,904
- All right, you win.
339
00:14:08,943 --> 00:14:11,824
But I had to try.
340
00:14:11,872 --> 00:14:15,300
But...there's something
you should know, Lorraine.
341
00:14:15,339 --> 00:14:17,683
I don't think
I'm better than you.
342
00:14:17,721 --> 00:14:19,517
I think we're exactly the same.
343
00:14:19,566 --> 00:14:22,072
Neither of us had it easy
and we were both screwed
344
00:14:22,110 --> 00:14:24,540
and screwed over
by the same man.
345
00:14:24,579 --> 00:14:27,546
- Yeah, I mean, thanks to him,
I'm back here doing this again.
346
00:14:27,585 --> 00:14:30,216
Also, I love it.
- Yeah.
347
00:14:30,264 --> 00:14:32,310
But he abandoned us both,
348
00:14:32,348 --> 00:14:35,316
so yeah.
349
00:14:35,364 --> 00:14:37,247
I think we're the same.
350
00:14:37,285 --> 00:14:39,792
- Yeah, well, thanks for that.
[chuckles]
351
00:14:39,830 --> 00:14:42,596
- As a matter of fact,
I wanted to say goodbye
352
00:14:42,635 --> 00:14:45,891
in a language that
I think you'll understand,
353
00:14:45,939 --> 00:14:48,993
one that will show you
the dignity that you deserve.
354
00:14:50,741 --> 00:14:53,507
May I give you a lap dance?
355
00:14:54,842 --> 00:14:57,137
[sultry music playing]
356
00:14:57,185 --> 00:15:00,191
- Oww!
357
00:15:00,229 --> 00:15:02,909
Ow.
Ow.
358
00:15:02,947 --> 00:15:06,213
Ow, ow.
[thunks]
359
00:15:06,252 --> 00:15:09,556
- Let me give you
some advice, kid.
360
00:15:09,594 --> 00:15:12,561
I mean, sure, you've
shattered the glass ceiling
361
00:15:12,609 --> 00:15:15,280
of middle-aged strippers,
362
00:15:15,318 --> 00:15:18,161
but you could have such
a better life than that.
363
00:15:18,210 --> 00:15:19,794
- Do you really believe that?
364
00:15:19,832 --> 00:15:22,972
- I think that
strong women can do anything.
365
00:15:23,012 --> 00:15:27,314
We're so much more
than our golden hooches.
366
00:15:27,362 --> 00:15:29,370
- Aww, thanks, Mummy.
Thanks for that.
367
00:15:29,408 --> 00:15:30,868
- Good-bye, Lorraine.
368
00:15:30,916 --> 00:15:33,000
[rousing march song playing]
369
00:15:33,048 --> 00:15:35,132
- That's my ringto--
[gasps]
370
00:15:35,180 --> 00:15:39,358
The old "suck up the phone
during a lap dance" trick.
371
00:15:39,396 --> 00:15:41,778
I can't believe
I fell for that!
372
00:15:43,248 --> 00:15:44,794
- Good-bye, kid.
- Lorraine!
373
00:15:44,832 --> 00:15:47,089
Back on stage!
- Piss off, Doug!
374
00:15:47,127 --> 00:15:51,517
I'm having a tender moment
with me mother!
375
00:15:51,565 --> 00:15:53,025
Thanks, Mummy.
376
00:15:53,063 --> 00:15:55,282
Take that fat bastard
for everything he's got.
377
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:58,250
- Oh, you know I will, honey.
378
00:16:01,966 --> 00:16:02,177
.
379
00:16:02,225 --> 00:16:04,022
[mellow music]
380
00:16:04,060 --> 00:16:05,443
- That meal was sublime.
381
00:16:05,482 --> 00:16:08,613
- [chuckles] I don't know
what that word means.
382
00:16:08,661 --> 00:16:10,082
- Jack, how would you
define "sublime"
383
00:16:10,121 --> 00:16:11,667
in a way that Will
would understand?
384
00:16:11,705 --> 00:16:13,002
- Oh...
[laughs]
385
00:16:13,050 --> 00:16:14,885
I don't wanna get
in the middle of your date.
386
00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:16,306
- I hope we're not
inconveniencing you
387
00:16:16,354 --> 00:16:17,603
by being here, Jack.
388
00:16:17,641 --> 00:16:20,781
- Oh, don't worry about Jack...
[sneezes]
389
00:16:20,819 --> 00:16:23,288
- Bless you.
- [sneezes]
390
00:16:23,327 --> 00:16:24,710
- Bless you.
391
00:16:24,748 --> 00:16:27,389
- Ah-choo.
- [gasps] Oh, oh!
392
00:16:27,428 --> 00:16:30,232
Yes, oh, uh,
393
00:16:30,270 --> 00:16:32,067
well, you guys could
probably use some privacy.
394
00:16:32,105 --> 00:16:33,238
I'm just gonna head home.
Yeah.
395
00:16:33,276 --> 00:16:34,745
- Isn't this your home?
396
00:16:34,785 --> 00:16:37,003
- I meant my hag's home, yeah.
397
00:16:37,042 --> 00:16:38,501
I have a hag.
398
00:16:38,549 --> 00:16:39,798
We spend a little
too much time together.
399
00:16:39,846 --> 00:16:41,767
It's sad.
400
00:16:43,515 --> 00:16:44,735
[phone ringing]
- Oh.
401
00:16:44,773 --> 00:16:46,482
Excuse me.
402
00:16:46,531 --> 00:16:49,162
Hello?
Uh-huh.
403
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,207
No, I understand.
Don't worry.
404
00:16:51,255 --> 00:16:52,965
I'll say you're
an unnamed source.
405
00:16:53,004 --> 00:16:55,261
Protecting your identity
is as important to me
406
00:16:55,309 --> 00:16:57,230
as it is to you.
407
00:16:57,268 --> 00:16:58,776
You're welcome.
408
00:16:58,814 --> 00:17:02,666
That was Kellyanne Conway.
409
00:17:02,704 --> 00:17:04,039
Hey, Jack, before you go,
410
00:17:04,087 --> 00:17:05,633
can I pick your brain
for a minute?
411
00:17:05,672 --> 00:17:08,390
- Of course.
I mean, of course.
412
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:10,608
- Uh, Jack--
Jack really has to go.
413
00:17:10,647 --> 00:17:13,115
- This'll only take a moment.
Oh, here, babe.
414
00:17:13,154 --> 00:17:15,584
Play with this.
415
00:17:15,622 --> 00:17:16,621
You've got a law degree.
416
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:18,551
- I have several, yes.
417
00:17:18,590 --> 00:17:21,721
If I had anymore degrees,
I'd be a thermometer.
418
00:17:23,017 --> 00:17:24,737
- Okay.
419
00:17:24,775 --> 00:17:27,205
Of course, you're aware of
what's happening in Venezuela?
420
00:17:27,244 --> 00:17:29,587
- I am?
- [mouths]
421
00:17:29,625 --> 00:17:31,008
- I am.
422
00:17:31,046 --> 00:17:32,968
- And while it's
a multi-national situation,
423
00:17:33,006 --> 00:17:34,475
the financial
institutions involved
424
00:17:34,514 --> 00:17:35,724
are primarily Americans.
425
00:17:35,772 --> 00:17:37,318
So, would the
pertinent statutes
426
00:17:37,356 --> 00:17:38,990
be drawn from
international law?
427
00:17:39,028 --> 00:17:40,285
American law?
428
00:17:40,325 --> 00:17:42,543
- Jude Law.
429
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:48,229
J. Law.
430
00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:51,945
Coleslaw.
431
00:17:51,983 --> 00:17:55,077
I hope I answered
your question.
432
00:17:57,420 --> 00:17:58,928
- What?
- What?
433
00:17:58,967 --> 00:18:00,301
- Okay, okay.
434
00:18:00,350 --> 00:18:03,192
I'm gonna go out
on a limb here.
435
00:18:03,231 --> 00:18:05,574
You're not a law professor,
are you?
436
00:18:05,612 --> 00:18:09,079
- [softly]
What?
437
00:18:09,127 --> 00:18:10,501
I am so offended right now.
438
00:18:10,549 --> 00:18:12,008
I'm gonna march
right out of here
439
00:18:12,048 --> 00:18:13,267
and let you two
have sex in my apartment.
440
00:18:13,305 --> 00:18:15,601
[clicks tongue]
441
00:18:15,649 --> 00:18:17,657
- This is your apartment,
isn't it?
442
00:18:17,695 --> 00:18:18,904
- Yep.
443
00:18:18,953 --> 00:18:21,584
Yeah, I live here.
I teach law.
444
00:18:21,622 --> 00:18:23,716
I can explain Brexit perfectly.
445
00:18:23,755 --> 00:18:25,215
- Mm.
446
00:18:25,263 --> 00:18:28,020
So, you're the smart one,
447
00:18:28,058 --> 00:18:30,190
and you're the idiot.
448
00:18:30,238 --> 00:18:33,792
- Yes.
449
00:18:33,830 --> 00:18:35,290
Yes, I am.
450
00:18:35,338 --> 00:18:37,634
- Wait, no, you're not.
451
00:18:37,672 --> 00:18:38,929
- Jack's not an idiot.
452
00:18:38,969 --> 00:18:40,264
As a matter of fact,
453
00:18:40,303 --> 00:18:41,773
he's the one that
came up with this whole plan.
454
00:18:41,811 --> 00:18:43,732
- Maybe not the best example.
455
00:18:43,781 --> 00:18:45,913
- Jack knows more about people
than anyone I know.
456
00:18:45,951 --> 00:18:47,622
He sure read you right away.
457
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:48,880
Yeah,
speaking of which, you know,
458
00:18:48,918 --> 00:18:50,464
there's something
not great about
459
00:18:50,503 --> 00:18:53,183
someone who can't date
their intellectual equal.
460
00:18:53,221 --> 00:18:54,642
- You pretended to be
someone else all night
461
00:18:54,690 --> 00:18:56,150
just to have sex with me.
462
00:18:56,188 --> 00:18:59,915
- Yeah, and I didn't
feel good about it.
463
00:18:59,954 --> 00:19:03,008
- Sorry, Will.
I like what I like.
464
00:19:03,046 --> 00:19:05,802
Jack, are you seeing anyone?
- Engaged.
465
00:19:05,850 --> 00:19:08,895
- Why are all the good ones
either smart, taken,
466
00:19:08,943 --> 00:19:12,411
or Anderson Cooper?
467
00:19:12,449 --> 00:19:15,628
He's a dear friend.
We share a locker at Equinox.
468
00:19:15,667 --> 00:19:17,799
I can bench press
more than he can.
469
00:19:17,847 --> 00:19:20,354
- You're--
you're kinda insecure,
470
00:19:20,392 --> 00:19:22,274
aren't you?
471
00:19:22,312 --> 00:19:25,204
- That's why
I don't date smart guys.
472
00:19:31,052 --> 00:19:33,895
- William Elizabeth Truman...
473
00:19:36,652 --> 00:19:40,243
You put our friendship above
having a one-night stand
474
00:19:40,291 --> 00:19:44,057
with a hot guy
who's on TV every night.
475
00:19:44,095 --> 00:19:46,227
- Yeah, I guess I did.
476
00:19:46,266 --> 00:19:48,311
- You dumb bitch.
477
00:19:53,796 --> 00:19:57,887
I was this close to having him
in the palm of your hand.
478
00:19:57,925 --> 00:20:00,105
I can't even look at you.
[door clicks]
479
00:20:02,314 --> 00:20:04,534
Thanks for not letting him
call me an idiot.
480
00:20:04,572 --> 00:20:06,166
- You're not.
481
00:20:06,204 --> 00:20:07,750
And you're welcome, buddy.
482
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:19,247
- You need to
get your door fixed.
33711
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