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1
00:00:04,210 --> 00:00:06,843
- "Will & Grace" is shot
before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:06,891 --> 00:00:09,148
- Wish I didn't have to
go to work today.
3
00:00:09,187 --> 00:00:10,445
- Me too.
4
00:00:10,484 --> 00:00:11,608
Hey, let me know
if you find my, uh,
5
00:00:11,656 --> 00:00:12,616
my underwear.
6
00:00:12,654 --> 00:00:13,615
- What do they look like?
7
00:00:13,663 --> 00:00:15,959
- They look like underwear.
8
00:00:15,998 --> 00:00:19,264
You've been living
with a gay guy too long.
9
00:00:19,303 --> 00:00:21,147
I'll call you later.
- Wait a sec.
10
00:00:21,185 --> 00:00:23,405
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why? Why?
11
00:00:23,443 --> 00:00:24,826
Why, why do we do this?
12
00:00:24,865 --> 00:00:25,826
- What, kiss?
13
00:00:25,864 --> 00:00:27,209
- Kissing good-bye.
14
00:00:27,247 --> 00:00:29,294
By definition, it can't
lead to anything.
15
00:00:29,342 --> 00:00:31,301
It's like--it's like
having one breadstick
16
00:00:31,349 --> 00:00:33,357
and then leaving
the restaurant.
17
00:00:33,396 --> 00:00:35,355
- You're a lot of work.
18
00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:40,082
- Hey.
19
00:00:42,590 --> 00:00:44,972
See, now I want dinner.
20
00:00:45,020 --> 00:00:45,942
- Bye.
21
00:00:45,981 --> 00:00:47,690
- Bye.
22
00:00:51,956 --> 00:00:53,964
- Oh, did I miss Noah again?
23
00:00:54,012 --> 00:00:56,721
Sorry. I was talking
on my phone.
24
00:00:56,769 --> 00:00:59,565
- You mean this phone?
25
00:00:59,613 --> 00:01:00,737
Why are you avoiding Noah?
26
00:01:00,785 --> 00:01:02,620
- I'm not avoiding him.
It's just--
27
00:01:02,658 --> 00:01:04,253
He's so opinionated.
28
00:01:04,292 --> 00:01:05,675
He makes me feel...
29
00:01:05,713 --> 00:01:07,558
not self-conscious, what's
the word I'm looking for?
30
00:01:07,597 --> 00:01:09,853
- Terrified?
- Yeah, that's it.
31
00:01:09,893 --> 00:01:12,323
- His whole thing
is to be mean on Twitter.
32
00:01:12,361 --> 00:01:13,283
That's what you love about him.
33
00:01:13,322 --> 00:01:14,455
- Yes, on Twitter.
34
00:01:14,494 --> 00:01:15,830
I didn't know
he'd be like that
35
00:01:15,878 --> 00:01:16,790
in real life.
36
00:01:16,838 --> 00:01:18,298
I mean, what if he hates me?
37
00:01:18,337 --> 00:01:20,219
Then you're dating a guy
who hates your best friend.
38
00:01:20,267 --> 00:01:20,979
That's not good.
39
00:01:21,017 --> 00:01:21,939
- He's gonna love you.
40
00:01:21,977 --> 00:01:23,563
Just give him a chance.
41
00:01:23,611 --> 00:01:25,446
- Knock, knock.
42
00:01:25,494 --> 00:01:28,213
Oh, Grace.
43
00:01:28,251 --> 00:01:29,711
What you're wearing
44
00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:33,939
is absolutely stunning.
45
00:01:33,977 --> 00:01:36,782
I...
46
00:01:36,821 --> 00:01:39,039
Have you ever thought
of starting
47
00:01:39,078 --> 00:01:40,999
your own clothing line?
48
00:01:41,047 --> 00:01:41,960
- Will, what's happening?
49
00:01:42,008 --> 00:01:42,930
- I don't know.
50
00:01:42,968 --> 00:01:45,774
Karen, are you not high?
51
00:01:45,812 --> 00:01:48,694
- [chuckling]
52
00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:50,539
Oh, Will.
53
00:01:50,577 --> 00:01:54,718
Your humor, it is a treasure.
54
00:01:54,756 --> 00:01:57,062
Have you ever thought of...
55
00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:58,186
I don't know,
56
00:01:58,224 --> 00:02:00,194
collecting some of your funny
57
00:02:00,232 --> 00:02:01,740
quips and whatnots
58
00:02:01,779 --> 00:02:03,912
and putting them all
into an expensive
59
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,631
coffee table book?
60
00:02:06,679 --> 00:02:07,678
- What is going on?
61
00:02:07,716 --> 00:02:08,724
- Okay, busted.
62
00:02:08,763 --> 00:02:10,060
This is a fashion crime scene
63
00:02:10,099 --> 00:02:13,740
and you are clearly
a comedy dead zone.
64
00:02:17,045 --> 00:02:18,803
All right. Here's the deal.
65
00:02:18,841 --> 00:02:21,185
I just got off the phone
with Accountant
66
00:02:21,223 --> 00:02:24,692
and because of the divorce,
I have to find a tax shelter.
67
00:02:24,740 --> 00:02:27,122
So I have to invest
in something
68
00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,715
that is guaranteed
to lose money.
69
00:02:29,754 --> 00:02:32,559
- Big entrance, everybody!
70
00:02:32,598 --> 00:02:35,403
Please. Sit, sit, sit.
71
00:02:35,441 --> 00:02:38,660
I am making a triumphant return
to the theater!
72
00:02:38,698 --> 00:02:39,995
No, no, no, no, can it be,
is it true?
73
00:02:40,043 --> 00:02:41,667
What?
[mimicking excited crowd]
74
00:02:41,715 --> 00:02:44,347
Silence, everybody!
Yes, it is true.
75
00:02:44,385 --> 00:02:46,480
I have written and set to music
76
00:02:46,518 --> 00:02:48,987
a one-man show
about Abraham Lincoln's
77
00:02:49,025 --> 00:02:51,706
long-rumored gay romance.
78
00:02:51,744 --> 00:02:55,088
I'm calling
it "Gaybraham Twinkin'."
79
00:02:56,970 --> 00:02:59,439
All I need is
a financial backer.
80
00:02:59,477 --> 00:03:02,620
- Ding, ding, ding,
we have a winner.
81
00:03:02,658 --> 00:03:05,502
[upbeat trumpet
and piano music]
82
00:03:05,540 --> 00:03:12,486
♪
83
00:03:13,446 --> 00:03:15,493
- Ah-one, two, three, four,
84
00:03:15,541 --> 00:03:18,672
score. And seven years ago.
85
00:03:18,710 --> 00:03:20,305
Do you like the mix-up
of the seven?
86
00:03:20,344 --> 00:03:23,226
Or is it like, one,
two, three, seven,
87
00:03:23,274 --> 00:03:25,608
Or, like, jazz hands up here?
Is that better?
88
00:03:25,656 --> 00:03:27,242
- It's all good, Jackie.
89
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:29,797
- I want this to be
a creative safe space, so.
90
00:03:29,835 --> 00:03:31,344
If you think something's
not perfect,
91
00:03:31,382 --> 00:03:33,602
just yell "Stop," okay?
92
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,859
- So far it is everything
93
00:03:35,898 --> 00:03:38,116
Accountant and I could have
hoped for.
94
00:03:38,155 --> 00:03:39,701
- Thank you.
95
00:03:39,749 --> 00:03:41,959
You know, the mole does a lot
of the work for me, so.
96
00:03:42,007 --> 00:03:45,052
- Look at that raccoon
eating that cat food!
97
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:47,272
[laughing]
98
00:03:47,310 --> 00:03:49,779
It walks just like a people.
99
00:03:49,817 --> 00:03:51,115
[laughing]
100
00:03:51,163 --> 00:03:52,911
- Okay, the show's
about Lincoln's affair
101
00:03:52,959 --> 00:03:54,794
with young Joshua Speed--
102
00:03:54,842 --> 00:03:57,224
turns out Teddy Roosevelt
wasn't the only president
103
00:03:57,263 --> 00:04:00,106
with a thing for bears--
104
00:04:00,145 --> 00:04:03,575
against the backdrop
of the Civil War.
105
00:04:03,623 --> 00:04:06,380
Brother against brother.
106
00:04:06,418 --> 00:04:10,895
Brother...
on top of brother.
107
00:04:10,934 --> 00:04:13,690
- Oh. Writes itself.
108
00:04:13,738 --> 00:04:14,950
- You know, you hear that,
109
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:16,582
but it's not true.
110
00:04:16,620 --> 00:04:18,964
Right now
the whole second act
111
00:04:19,003 --> 00:04:21,559
is just a drawing of a horse.
112
00:04:21,597 --> 00:04:24,355
Seriously, that's all I got.
113
00:04:24,403 --> 00:04:26,660
Anyway,
in the 11:00 number,
114
00:04:26,699 --> 00:04:29,542
Gaybraham receives a letter
from his lover.
115
00:04:29,581 --> 00:04:32,347
[indistinct murmuring]
116
00:04:32,385 --> 00:04:35,056
[as Lincoln]
Why, it's from Joshua.
117
00:04:35,104 --> 00:04:36,987
What a fine hand he has.
118
00:04:37,025 --> 00:04:38,995
And oh, how that hand
could relieve
119
00:04:39,034 --> 00:04:43,636
the tensions
of my southern uprising.
120
00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:44,932
Is that too much?
Not enough?
121
00:04:44,971 --> 00:04:46,354
- Oh, mwah. Just right.
122
00:04:46,392 --> 00:04:47,776
- Okay.
123
00:04:47,814 --> 00:04:50,283
[as Lincoln] Let's see
what my bosom companion
124
00:04:50,321 --> 00:04:52,156
has to say.
125
00:04:52,204 --> 00:04:55,048
[gentle piano music]
126
00:04:55,086 --> 00:05:01,023
♪
127
00:05:01,072 --> 00:05:02,532
♪ "Dear Mr. Lincoln
128
00:05:02,570 --> 00:05:04,665
♪ "Of you, sir,
I've been thinking ♪
129
00:05:04,703 --> 00:05:09,055
♪ "And am setting quill to
parchment so you'll know ♪
130
00:05:09,093 --> 00:05:11,351
♪ "That my head is in a fog
131
00:05:11,389 --> 00:05:16,164
♪ "Thinking of
your Lincoln log ♪
132
00:05:16,202 --> 00:05:20,170
♪ And how you put the 'man'
in emancipation" ♪
133
00:05:20,218 --> 00:05:22,851
[vocalizing]
134
00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:24,561
[knocking on door]
135
00:05:26,693 --> 00:05:28,240
- It's not l--
136
00:05:28,288 --> 00:05:30,959
both: What are you doing here?
137
00:05:31,007 --> 00:05:31,919
- Grace said you'd be gone
138
00:05:31,967 --> 00:05:32,890
and to bring a bottle of
139
00:05:32,928 --> 00:05:36,310
Skinnygirl Chardonnay.
140
00:05:36,358 --> 00:05:37,905
- She told me to meet her here
141
00:05:37,943 --> 00:05:41,161
and make her a BLT,
double mayo, double chips.
142
00:05:41,209 --> 00:05:42,507
- That's my favorite sandwich.
143
00:05:42,545 --> 00:05:45,600
- And that's my fav--
I've heard of that wine.
144
00:05:45,638 --> 00:05:47,434
You know what happened here.
145
00:05:47,473 --> 00:05:49,279
She "Parent Trapped" us.
146
00:05:49,317 --> 00:05:50,403
- I've never seen that movie,
147
00:05:50,441 --> 00:05:51,575
but if it's about a guy going
148
00:05:51,613 --> 00:05:52,785
to his girlfriend's place
149
00:05:52,824 --> 00:05:54,755
and realizing he's not
gonna get laid,
150
00:05:54,794 --> 00:05:56,926
then yeah, we've been
"Parent Trapped!"
151
00:05:56,964 --> 00:05:58,972
[bright piano music]
152
00:05:59,020 --> 00:06:00,231
- I got a surprise for you!
153
00:06:00,269 --> 00:06:01,480
Our show poster is here.
154
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:04,534
[gasps] What?
155
00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:07,004
- "Karen Walker presents"?
156
00:06:07,042 --> 00:06:11,480
You mean my name is gonna be
on this piece of show?
157
00:06:11,519 --> 00:06:14,190
- Duh! Everybody's
talking about it.
158
00:06:14,238 --> 00:06:15,659
All your friends are coming.
159
00:06:15,697 --> 00:06:19,675
So far I've got RSVP'ed from
Ivanka, Marlo,
160
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,846
all the Huckabee Sanderses...
161
00:06:21,885 --> 00:06:23,806
Oh, my gosh, and they are
so supportive.
162
00:06:23,854 --> 00:06:24,776
- Okay.
163
00:06:24,815 --> 00:06:25,900
Whole new plan.
164
00:06:25,939 --> 00:06:27,197
This play is gonna be good.
165
00:06:27,235 --> 00:06:28,244
- But wasn't that always--
166
00:06:28,283 --> 00:06:29,579
- Less Jack-ting, more acting.
167
00:06:29,618 --> 00:06:32,000
From the top!
168
00:06:32,048 --> 00:06:33,298
- Okay. Okay.
169
00:06:33,346 --> 00:06:35,181
And again, if you
don't like anything,
170
00:06:35,229 --> 00:06:36,814
just yell, "Stop."
- Okay.
171
00:06:36,852 --> 00:06:37,774
- Okay?
172
00:06:37,812 --> 00:06:38,735
Ah-one, two--
173
00:06:38,783 --> 00:06:40,070
- [screaming] Stop!
174
00:06:40,118 --> 00:06:43,039
♪
175
00:06:43,087 --> 00:06:44,384
- So, uh,
176
00:06:44,423 --> 00:06:46,430
Grace tells me you think
I'm a bit of a dick.
177
00:06:46,468 --> 00:06:47,640
- I never said that.
178
00:06:47,688 --> 00:06:50,071
- I know, I'm just
being a dick.
179
00:06:50,109 --> 00:06:52,790
- Maybe we should find
some common ground.
180
00:06:52,828 --> 00:06:54,077
- Okay. You like sports?
181
00:06:54,125 --> 00:06:57,843
- I like ice skating.
- Not a sport.
182
00:06:57,882 --> 00:07:00,188
I'm guessing
you prefer theater?
183
00:07:00,226 --> 00:07:02,781
- That is such
a tired stereotype.
184
00:07:02,819 --> 00:07:04,828
And yeah, I adore it.
185
00:07:04,866 --> 00:07:06,086
- Yeah, some plays are okay.
186
00:07:06,124 --> 00:07:08,468
You know? But I--I can't
stand musicals.
187
00:07:08,507 --> 00:07:10,179
Even worse, when they
turn them into movies.
188
00:07:10,217 --> 00:07:12,935
Don't get me started
on "West Side Story."
189
00:07:15,827 --> 00:07:17,537
- You don't like
"West Side Story?"
190
00:07:17,575 --> 00:07:18,873
- It's absurd.
191
00:07:18,921 --> 00:07:21,053
It pretends to be
a serious exploration
192
00:07:21,091 --> 00:07:22,725
of immigrant plight,
but it's just a bunch
193
00:07:22,763 --> 00:07:24,348
of pirouetting
theater majors
194
00:07:24,396 --> 00:07:26,279
in windbreakers and Keds.
195
00:07:26,317 --> 00:07:28,700
- Windbreakers are
the toughest of jackets.
196
00:07:28,739 --> 00:07:30,795
The FBI wears 'em.
197
00:07:30,833 --> 00:07:32,255
- Come on, the guy playing Tony
198
00:07:32,294 --> 00:07:33,552
is distractingly gay.
199
00:07:33,590 --> 00:07:36,808
- He is exactly
the right level of gay.
200
00:07:36,856 --> 00:07:38,778
The score is breathtaking,
201
00:07:38,817 --> 00:07:39,950
the dancing is superb--
202
00:07:39,989 --> 00:07:41,871
- Natalie Wood
is completely miscast.
203
00:07:41,910 --> 00:07:43,966
- You stop right there.
204
00:07:44,004 --> 00:07:46,934
- Ooh, what are you gonna do,
snap at me?
205
00:07:49,019 --> 00:07:51,776
- It's not up here.
206
00:07:51,824 --> 00:07:55,330
It's a tight snap.
207
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:01,479
No.
208
00:08:01,518 --> 00:08:03,487
No. Tight.
209
00:08:06,244 --> 00:08:09,588
- Ooh, we're both snapping.
It's a rumble.
210
00:08:09,636 --> 00:08:11,220
- It's stylized choreography.
211
00:08:11,268 --> 00:08:12,392
It's manly in its own way.
212
00:08:12,430 --> 00:08:16,197
- Yeah, no, I feel like
a Navy SEAL.
213
00:08:16,235 --> 00:08:17,455
- Obviously you haven't seen it
214
00:08:17,493 --> 00:08:19,838
in a while, so I'm gonna go
get the DVD.
215
00:08:19,876 --> 00:08:21,259
We're gonna watch it right now.
216
00:08:21,298 --> 00:08:22,931
You'll see how great it is.
217
00:08:22,969 --> 00:08:26,025
[ringtone chiming]
218
00:08:28,446 --> 00:08:29,493
- Hey, Katie.
219
00:08:29,531 --> 00:08:31,789
Hey. Uh, no, I'm, uh,
220
00:08:31,837 --> 00:08:34,892
I'm still working, but I can't
wait to see you later.
221
00:08:34,930 --> 00:08:36,439
Okay. All right.
222
00:08:36,477 --> 00:08:38,312
I love you too. Bye.
223
00:08:39,407 --> 00:08:40,992
- You bastard.
224
00:08:41,030 --> 00:08:43,288
[bright piano]
225
00:08:45,219 --> 00:08:45,593
.
226
00:08:45,632 --> 00:08:47,476
- No, it's not what you think.
227
00:08:47,514 --> 00:08:48,639
- I think you were
telling another woman
228
00:08:48,686 --> 00:08:49,811
that you love her.
229
00:08:49,859 --> 00:08:52,030
- She's not a woman, Will.
She's 12.
230
00:08:52,068 --> 00:08:55,287
- Oh, my God!
231
00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:59,217
- It's my daughter--
what is wrong with you?
232
00:08:59,265 --> 00:09:00,600
- You have a daughter?
233
00:09:00,638 --> 00:09:01,935
Why didn't you tell Grace?
234
00:09:01,983 --> 00:09:04,029
- Oh, man. I didn't bring it up
the first date
235
00:09:04,068 --> 00:09:05,326
because I didn't think
it was going anywhere.
236
00:09:05,364 --> 00:09:07,622
And then I didn't bring it up
the second date
237
00:09:07,670 --> 00:09:09,342
because I was pretty sure
we were gonna have sex
238
00:09:09,380 --> 00:09:13,184
and sometimes having a kid
is a boner-killer for women.
239
00:09:13,223 --> 00:09:15,192
And then I didn't bring it up
on the third date
240
00:09:15,231 --> 00:09:16,614
because by then it was weird
241
00:09:16,652 --> 00:09:18,661
that I hadn't brought it up
on the first two dates.
242
00:09:18,708 --> 00:09:20,505
Look, if I could
go back in time,
243
00:09:20,543 --> 00:09:22,388
I'd tell her
on the first date.
244
00:09:22,426 --> 00:09:25,394
Of course, if I could
actually go back in time,
245
00:09:25,433 --> 00:09:27,566
I'd kill Hitler,
invest in Apple,
246
00:09:27,614 --> 00:09:30,333
then tell Grace.
247
00:09:32,417 --> 00:09:34,713
- You know, Grace doesn't
really like to be lied to.
248
00:09:34,761 --> 00:09:37,231
- It wasn't a lie, okay?
It was an omission.
249
00:09:37,269 --> 00:09:38,355
Come on, you're a guy.
250
00:09:38,393 --> 00:09:39,315
You've never hidden anything
251
00:09:39,363 --> 00:09:40,276
from someone you were dating?
252
00:09:40,324 --> 00:09:41,496
- Nothing this big.
253
00:09:41,534 --> 00:09:43,331
- Really?
When you were dating Grace,
254
00:09:43,369 --> 00:09:44,878
you didn't withhold
certain information,
255
00:09:44,916 --> 00:09:47,010
like...
256
00:09:47,048 --> 00:09:48,557
oh, I don't know,
the fact that you're gay?
257
00:09:48,595 --> 00:09:49,978
- Oh, that was
completely different.
258
00:09:50,018 --> 00:09:53,283
- How?
- Mine was much worse.
259
00:09:54,580 --> 00:09:56,416
- Look. Please don't tell her.
260
00:09:56,464 --> 00:09:57,501
- I have to, Noah.
261
00:09:57,548 --> 00:09:58,885
We tell each other everything.
262
00:09:58,923 --> 00:10:00,767
- Is that healthy?
- Not in the slightest.
263
00:10:00,806 --> 00:10:03,188
But now we're dealing with you.
264
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:04,821
- I screwed up, okay?
265
00:10:04,860 --> 00:10:06,790
I need to fix it.
And I will.
266
00:10:06,829 --> 00:10:09,173
I care about Grace.
267
00:10:09,211 --> 00:10:12,392
- Well, there's our
common ground.
268
00:10:12,430 --> 00:10:13,939
You got 24 hours
to tell her.
269
00:10:13,977 --> 00:10:16,234
- Okay, I'll, I'll tell her
at dinner tomorrow night.
270
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,656
- Good, but not
during dessert.
271
00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:19,501
You ruin Grace's dessert,
272
00:10:19,539 --> 00:10:20,586
God help you.
273
00:10:20,625 --> 00:10:23,468
[bright piano]
274
00:10:23,507 --> 00:10:24,516
♪
275
00:10:24,554 --> 00:10:25,812
- Jackie.
276
00:10:25,851 --> 00:10:27,320
I'm gonna take off
my producer hat
277
00:10:27,359 --> 00:10:28,944
and put on my friend hat.
278
00:10:28,992 --> 00:10:30,491
As a friend,
279
00:10:30,539 --> 00:10:32,835
I love that you're pursuing
your passion.
280
00:10:32,873 --> 00:10:34,468
- Aw, Karen.
281
00:10:34,507 --> 00:10:36,937
- Okay. Gonna put my producer
hat back on.
282
00:10:36,975 --> 00:10:40,616
Your play sucks harder
than a girl with daddy issues.
283
00:10:43,537 --> 00:10:44,546
- But you just said...
284
00:10:44,584 --> 00:10:46,169
- That was as a friend.
285
00:10:46,217 --> 00:10:49,686
But as a producer,
I can tell you...
286
00:10:49,724 --> 00:10:52,616
[gruff voice]
Your friends are lying to you.
287
00:10:54,748 --> 00:10:56,833
- Well.
288
00:10:56,881 --> 00:10:57,919
Putting on my actor hat,
289
00:10:57,966 --> 00:10:58,880
my writer scarf,
290
00:10:58,928 --> 00:10:59,926
my singer lozenge,
291
00:10:59,974 --> 00:11:01,396
and my dancer character shoes,
292
00:11:01,435 --> 00:11:03,317
I will quote the opening number
of Act Four
293
00:11:03,356 --> 00:11:04,778
when Old Abe says
to Dream Ballet Abe,
294
00:11:04,816 --> 00:11:08,419
"What the hell have you been
drinkin', Lincoln?"
295
00:11:08,457 --> 00:11:09,716
- Okay.
296
00:11:09,754 --> 00:11:13,722
Let me spell this out for you,
Shakes-queer...
297
00:11:16,527 --> 00:11:19,707
If you put a broom
on a circus floor
298
00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:21,465
after the elephant parade
299
00:11:21,503 --> 00:11:24,683
and swept it all
into one big pile
300
00:11:24,722 --> 00:11:28,564
it would still be a smaller
turd than this thing.
301
00:11:32,330 --> 00:11:35,510
- Putting on my friend hat
for a moment.
302
00:11:35,548 --> 00:11:39,602
That was hilarious.
303
00:11:39,650 --> 00:11:41,611
But I toss that hat
across the room
304
00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:43,541
and get into my serious artist
jumpsuit,
305
00:11:43,580 --> 00:11:44,828
and I say to you as long as
306
00:11:44,876 --> 00:11:46,048
I am the lead
in this play,
307
00:11:46,087 --> 00:11:48,509
we are gonna do things my way!
308
00:11:48,557 --> 00:11:52,149
- As long as you are the lead
309
00:11:52,188 --> 00:11:53,446
of this play,
310
00:11:53,484 --> 00:11:58,922
we are going to do things
your way.
311
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:02,102
[mock laughing]
312
00:12:09,460 --> 00:12:12,842
Understood.
313
00:12:15,647 --> 00:12:16,858
- As long as I am
the lead of this play,
314
00:12:16,906 --> 00:12:18,116
we're gonna do things my way--
315
00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:20,663
I mean, that's bulletproof,
right?
316
00:12:22,046 --> 00:12:22,421
.
317
00:12:22,459 --> 00:12:24,765
[bright piano]
318
00:12:24,803 --> 00:12:26,436
- I'm so mad.
319
00:12:26,475 --> 00:12:28,271
Wait till I tell you
what happened at dinner.
320
00:12:28,319 --> 00:12:29,491
- Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
321
00:12:29,530 --> 00:12:31,364
- Right? It's my favorite skirt
322
00:12:31,412 --> 00:12:32,873
and the waiter spilled
a bowl of soup
323
00:12:32,911 --> 00:12:34,794
all over it.
324
00:12:34,842 --> 00:12:35,841
But you didn't know that.
325
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,561
What are you sorry about?
326
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,270
- I'm a gay man.
327
00:12:39,310 --> 00:12:40,394
I can always sense when
328
00:12:40,443 --> 00:12:41,654
something bad has happened
329
00:12:41,692 --> 00:12:44,285
to s-suede.
330
00:12:44,333 --> 00:12:45,668
- Wait a minute, what's wrong?
331
00:12:45,708 --> 00:12:47,504
Wine, tissues,
charcoal facial masks.
332
00:12:47,552 --> 00:12:48,724
All we need is
a box of doughnuts
333
00:12:48,763 --> 00:12:51,145
and it's the Grace Adler
comfort kit.
334
00:12:51,183 --> 00:12:52,778
What is that?
335
00:12:52,817 --> 00:12:56,035
Give it--give--give it--
- Don't--wait!
336
00:12:56,082 --> 00:12:58,005
- [gasps]
337
00:12:58,043 --> 00:12:59,089
You know something.
338
00:12:59,129 --> 00:13:00,598
What is going on?
339
00:13:00,636 --> 00:13:01,559
Noah was weird at dinner,
340
00:13:01,597 --> 00:13:03,105
now you're being weird.
341
00:13:03,143 --> 00:13:04,604
- It's not my secret to tell.
342
00:13:04,652 --> 00:13:05,824
- Now it's a secret?
343
00:13:05,862 --> 00:13:07,159
Is he--
Is he dating someone else?
344
00:13:07,198 --> 00:13:08,793
Oh, my God,
if I turned another guy gay,
345
00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:12,299
I'm jumping out of the window.
346
00:13:12,347 --> 00:13:13,509
- Grace.
347
00:13:13,557 --> 00:13:15,479
- I know, you can't
turn people gay,
348
00:13:15,518 --> 00:13:19,322
you can only make them
wish they were.
349
00:13:22,089 --> 00:13:24,509
- He has a daughter.
350
00:13:24,548 --> 00:13:26,392
- What?
351
00:13:26,431 --> 00:13:28,353
And he didn't tell me?
352
00:13:32,367 --> 00:13:33,838
What else didn't he tell me?
353
00:13:33,876 --> 00:13:35,836
And why wouldn't he tell me?
354
00:13:35,883 --> 00:13:38,141
- These are questions
you'd have to ask him.
355
00:13:38,180 --> 00:13:39,564
But you can't ask him.
356
00:13:39,602 --> 00:13:40,361
- Why not?
357
00:13:40,399 --> 00:13:41,322
- Because if you ask him,
358
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:42,407
he'll know I told you
359
00:13:42,446 --> 00:13:43,367
and I promised him I wouldn't.
360
00:13:43,406 --> 00:13:44,367
- Well, why would you do that?
361
00:13:44,415 --> 00:13:45,625
We tell each other everything.
362
00:13:45,664 --> 00:13:46,586
- Yeah, but is that healthy?
363
00:13:46,625 --> 00:13:49,641
- Oh, we are so far past that.
364
00:13:49,679 --> 00:13:51,726
Where are the doughnuts?
365
00:13:51,774 --> 00:13:54,618
As soon as he is done
explaining to the Uber driver
366
00:13:54,656 --> 00:13:57,288
why he's only getting one star,
367
00:13:57,326 --> 00:13:59,209
I'm getting answers.
368
00:13:59,258 --> 00:14:00,468
- No, no, you, you, you--
369
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,476
Look, you want Noah and I
to get along.
370
00:14:02,514 --> 00:14:04,109
I-If he finds out
that I told you,
371
00:14:04,147 --> 00:14:05,069
that's out the window.
372
00:14:05,108 --> 00:14:06,193
He'll hate me.
373
00:14:06,241 --> 00:14:07,577
We'll start snapping
at each other.
374
00:14:07,616 --> 00:14:10,209
It'll get ugly.
375
00:14:10,247 --> 00:14:12,428
You can't say anything.
376
00:14:12,467 --> 00:14:14,052
- I get it.
377
00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:15,310
You're right.
378
00:14:15,349 --> 00:14:17,357
Okay, fine.
I won't say anything.
379
00:14:17,405 --> 00:14:18,654
- Hey.
380
00:14:18,692 --> 00:14:20,786
- You have a kid?
381
00:14:20,824 --> 00:14:23,591
[gentle piano music]
382
00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:26,973
- ♪ You made me love you
383
00:14:27,021 --> 00:14:29,317
♪ You really got
your licks in ♪
384
00:14:29,356 --> 00:14:32,824
♪ Below my Mason-Dixon
385
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,831
Can we--can we stop a second?
386
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,589
A-Are you sure this works?
387
00:14:36,638 --> 00:14:39,059
- Jon Cryer, anything
that doesn't work
388
00:14:39,097 --> 00:14:40,605
is going to change.
389
00:14:40,643 --> 00:14:41,941
- Okay, good, because
390
00:14:41,989 --> 00:14:43,785
I-I was a little worried
about that part
391
00:14:43,824 --> 00:14:45,207
where you changed the lyric
392
00:14:45,245 --> 00:14:47,003
in the "Battle Hymn
of the Republic" to,
393
00:14:47,042 --> 00:14:49,550
"Glory, glory, hole-lelujah?"
394
00:14:49,598 --> 00:14:52,354
- Okay, people,
let's take it from--
395
00:14:54,612 --> 00:14:58,455
John Wilkes Booth, what is
the meaning of all this?
396
00:14:58,503 --> 00:15:00,386
- I've been asking that
question since I got here.
397
00:15:00,424 --> 00:15:02,096
- Hush, you, whoever you are.
398
00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:04,142
You replaced me with Jon Cryer?
399
00:15:04,190 --> 00:15:06,112
- The producers decided
to go another way.
400
00:15:06,150 --> 00:15:07,408
- You're the only producer.
401
00:15:07,447 --> 00:15:09,291
- Yes, and I fought
for you, honey,
402
00:15:09,330 --> 00:15:11,165
but I was outvoted.
403
00:15:11,213 --> 00:15:12,337
- This is unbelievable.
404
00:15:12,385 --> 00:15:14,009
It's bad enough you recast me
in my own play
405
00:15:14,057 --> 00:15:15,517
but did it have to be
with my arch-rival?
406
00:15:15,555 --> 00:15:16,775
- We're rivals?
407
00:15:16,813 --> 00:15:19,033
- Don't pretend like
you don't know who I am.
408
00:15:19,071 --> 00:15:21,367
- I don't have to.
409
00:15:21,415 --> 00:15:24,634
- Okay, kittens, let's not
ruin our manicures.
410
00:15:24,672 --> 00:15:26,306
Back to rehearsal.
411
00:15:26,344 --> 00:15:29,648
- I don't know if
it'll help, but okay.
412
00:15:29,686 --> 00:15:31,157
- I don't believe this.
413
00:15:31,195 --> 00:15:32,656
You said you loved this play.
414
00:15:32,704 --> 00:15:34,163
You said you believed in me.
415
00:15:34,202 --> 00:15:36,297
- I never said that.
416
00:15:36,335 --> 00:15:38,342
[recorded Karen]: I love
this play!
417
00:15:38,390 --> 00:15:41,820
I believe in you.
418
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:44,827
Yeah. Well, you said
I could replace you
419
00:15:44,865 --> 00:15:45,999
if I wanted to.
420
00:15:46,037 --> 00:15:48,084
- I never said that.
421
00:15:48,132 --> 00:15:52,599
[Karen as Jack]: You can
replace me whenever you like.
422
00:15:52,647 --> 00:15:55,865
This is Jack talking.
423
00:15:55,904 --> 00:15:57,374
- That's not my voice.
424
00:15:57,412 --> 00:16:00,717
- Oh, no one ever thinks
they sound like themselves.
425
00:16:00,756 --> 00:16:02,263
- Uh, should I leave?
426
00:16:02,302 --> 00:16:03,935
- No, no, Jon Cryer.
427
00:16:03,974 --> 00:16:06,193
I wanna hear
the closing speech.
428
00:16:06,231 --> 00:16:07,989
If that's all right with you.
429
00:16:08,028 --> 00:16:09,248
- Why ask me?
430
00:16:09,286 --> 00:16:11,668
It would appear
this partnership is over.
431
00:16:11,707 --> 00:16:14,177
- Oh. Then we have nothing
left to say to each other.
432
00:16:14,224 --> 00:16:16,146
- This is how
our friendship ends.
433
00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:17,980
Stabbed in the back
by my best friend
434
00:16:18,028 --> 00:16:19,614
in a theater,
just like Lincoln!
435
00:16:19,652 --> 00:16:21,285
[bright piano]
436
00:16:22,793 --> 00:16:22,957
.
437
00:16:22,995 --> 00:16:24,340
- You gave me 24 hours!
438
00:16:24,379 --> 00:16:25,388
- You gave him 24 hours?
439
00:16:25,426 --> 00:16:27,433
What, are you a Bond villain?
440
00:16:27,472 --> 00:16:29,230
- You said you were gonna
tell her at dinner.
441
00:16:29,269 --> 00:16:32,112
- I was going to, but she
spilled soup on her skirt.
442
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:33,534
- You said the waiter
spilled soup on your skirt.
443
00:16:33,582 --> 00:16:37,886
- Okay, so I lied,
but I'm not the liar here.
444
00:16:37,924 --> 00:16:40,432
And yes, I heard
what I just said.
445
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:41,690
- And then I was distracted
446
00:16:41,729 --> 00:16:43,276
because your shirt's
been open all night.
447
00:16:43,324 --> 00:16:45,581
- It's a look! Read a magazine!
448
00:16:45,620 --> 00:16:47,166
I cannot believe
that you didn't tell me
449
00:16:47,204 --> 00:16:48,627
that you have a kid!
450
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:49,799
- You never asked.
- You should have told me
451
00:16:49,847 --> 00:16:51,470
without me having to ask!
452
00:16:51,518 --> 00:16:52,978
- You can't get mad at me for
something I didn't tell you
453
00:16:53,016 --> 00:16:54,102
that you didn't ask.
454
00:16:54,150 --> 00:16:55,073
- You can't get mad at her
455
00:16:55,111 --> 00:16:56,071
for not asking something
456
00:16:56,110 --> 00:16:57,032
that you should have told her
457
00:16:57,071 --> 00:17:00,001
without having to ask!
458
00:17:00,039 --> 00:17:01,672
- Wait, wait.
Where were we?
459
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:02,720
- The bottom line, you should
460
00:17:02,758 --> 00:17:04,430
have told Grace from the start.
461
00:17:04,478 --> 00:17:05,400
- Yeah, you don't think
I know that?
462
00:17:05,438 --> 00:17:06,361
Do you have any idea
463
00:17:06,399 --> 00:17:07,446
how hard this has been?
464
00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:08,657
I wanted to tell you.
465
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:09,915
- Well, then why didn't you?
466
00:17:09,953 --> 00:17:11,039
- Because I didn't think
we'd be here.
467
00:17:11,077 --> 00:17:12,048
- Where?
468
00:17:12,086 --> 00:17:13,633
In a living room? New York?
469
00:17:13,672 --> 00:17:14,757
- Here. Us.
470
00:17:14,806 --> 00:17:16,688
- What do you mean, Noah?
471
00:17:16,727 --> 00:17:18,820
- Oh, come on. What are
you doing to me, huh?
472
00:17:18,859 --> 00:17:21,116
You know I have feelings
for you.
473
00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:27,640
- Did you hear that, Grace?
474
00:17:27,679 --> 00:17:30,358
- I did.
475
00:17:30,397 --> 00:17:31,781
But I need to hear more.
476
00:17:31,819 --> 00:17:33,616
- Well, I feel good about this.
477
00:17:33,663 --> 00:17:34,826
I-I-I, you know, I think
478
00:17:34,874 --> 00:17:37,256
you guys have--
have y-your differences,
479
00:17:37,295 --> 00:17:38,467
but I think if you
can get together--
480
00:17:38,505 --> 00:17:40,561
- I meant I need
to hear more from him.
481
00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:43,193
- Right. Right.
I'm gonna go.
482
00:17:43,232 --> 00:17:45,202
I'll be in my--I'm just
going to, uh,
483
00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:47,161
take my Skinnygirl--
484
00:17:47,209 --> 00:17:51,090
or...whatever it's called,
I don't know!
485
00:17:53,646 --> 00:17:55,317
- So, we good?
486
00:17:55,356 --> 00:17:58,036
- No.
487
00:17:58,075 --> 00:17:59,669
You said you have feelings.
488
00:17:59,707 --> 00:18:00,918
I need to know what that means.
489
00:18:00,966 --> 00:18:02,763
- Yeah, why? Why?
Why do I have to explain?
490
00:18:02,801 --> 00:18:05,395
- Because I have spent
too much of my life
491
00:18:05,433 --> 00:18:07,489
chasing after emotionally
wishy-washy guys
492
00:18:07,528 --> 00:18:09,161
and I don't have time
for it anymore.
493
00:18:09,199 --> 00:18:10,909
I know who I am.
I know what I need.
494
00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:11,956
- I'm not ready
for this conversation.
495
00:18:12,005 --> 00:18:13,042
Okay?
- You just said
496
00:18:13,089 --> 00:18:14,339
that you have feelings for me
497
00:18:14,387 --> 00:18:16,010
and now you can't tell me
what they are?
498
00:18:16,058 --> 00:18:17,269
- Yeah, I need time, all right?
I need time to just--
499
00:18:17,308 --> 00:18:19,277
- Okay, all right,
you need time?
500
00:18:19,315 --> 00:18:20,401
You have 24 seconds to tell me
501
00:18:20,449 --> 00:18:22,908
how you feel about me.
502
00:18:22,956 --> 00:18:25,338
- 24 sec--Will gave me
24 hours.
503
00:18:25,377 --> 00:18:26,299
- 19.
- No, oh, come on.
504
00:18:26,338 --> 00:18:27,510
You know how I feel.
505
00:18:27,558 --> 00:18:28,471
Why do I have to even--
- Ten.
506
00:18:28,519 --> 00:18:29,556
- No, oh, okay. Time-out.
507
00:18:29,604 --> 00:18:30,978
- No time-outs.
- Time-out.
508
00:18:31,026 --> 00:18:32,198
- Five.
- Oh, for crying out loud.
509
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:33,697
- Three, two, one.
- No, no, no.
510
00:18:33,745 --> 00:18:35,369
I'm not gonna be backed into--
- [mimicking buzzer]
511
00:18:35,417 --> 00:18:38,259
- I love you!
512
00:18:38,299 --> 00:18:39,431
- What?
513
00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:45,820
I didn't hear you
when I was buzzing.
514
00:18:48,462 --> 00:18:52,180
- You heard me.
515
00:18:52,218 --> 00:18:55,773
- I did hear you.
516
00:18:55,822 --> 00:18:59,116
[low fiddle music]
517
00:18:59,164 --> 00:19:01,172
- "My dear Joshua.
518
00:19:01,211 --> 00:19:03,132
"It occurs to me that you and I
519
00:19:03,180 --> 00:19:06,351
"Are like the warring factions
in our current conflict.
520
00:19:06,399 --> 00:19:07,734
"While we may quarrel,
521
00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:09,492
"We must take care
never to sunder
522
00:19:09,530 --> 00:19:11,749
"The precious ties
that bind us.
523
00:19:11,788 --> 00:19:14,094
"For truly, life would hold
little joy
524
00:19:14,132 --> 00:19:18,311
if our friendship were to
perish from this Earth."
525
00:19:20,319 --> 00:19:21,827
- Beautiful, isn't it?
526
00:19:21,865 --> 00:19:23,623
- It is affecting.
527
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:25,170
I like the part about
528
00:19:25,209 --> 00:19:29,849
nothing coming
between a friendship.
529
00:19:29,897 --> 00:19:32,279
- Yeah, me too.
530
00:19:32,318 --> 00:19:33,778
- Jackie, wait.
531
00:19:33,826 --> 00:19:36,747
I'm gonna take off
my producer hat,
532
00:19:36,795 --> 00:19:41,895
bend over, and pull up
my friendship skirt.
533
00:19:41,935 --> 00:19:43,481
This is your play.
534
00:19:43,519 --> 00:19:47,199
Your vision.
You do anything you want.
535
00:19:47,247 --> 00:19:50,589
- So you don't think
it's a big turd?
536
00:19:50,628 --> 00:19:52,473
- I can honestly say
537
00:19:52,512 --> 00:19:55,355
it's as good as anything
you've ever done.
538
00:19:55,403 --> 00:19:58,236
[bright piano]
539
00:19:58,285 --> 00:19:59,207
♪
540
00:19:59,245 --> 00:20:01,167
- Tell me about your daughter.
541
00:20:01,206 --> 00:20:02,300
- Well, her name's Katie.
542
00:20:02,340 --> 00:20:03,886
She's 12.
543
00:20:03,924 --> 00:20:05,932
And every time she calls me Dad
544
00:20:05,980 --> 00:20:08,689
I feel like I won something
I don't deserve.
545
00:20:08,737 --> 00:20:09,784
- That's so nice.
546
00:20:09,822 --> 00:20:10,745
I bet you're a great dad.
547
00:20:10,783 --> 00:20:11,745
- Well, I want to be.
548
00:20:11,792 --> 00:20:12,955
And that's why, that's why
549
00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:14,175
I didn't bring her up
at first.
550
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:15,635
You know? I'm protective.
551
00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:17,143
She means the world to me.
552
00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:19,064
- Well, I won't tell anyone.
[elevator bell dings]
553
00:20:19,103 --> 00:20:22,619
But you are a lot sweeter
than you pretend to be.
554
00:20:22,657 --> 00:20:26,250
- Don't screw with
my brand, Adler.
555
00:20:26,299 --> 00:20:28,134
- Bye.
556
00:20:28,182 --> 00:20:30,016
So when can I meet her?
557
00:20:30,055 --> 00:20:32,361
- Oh, yeah, that's--
that's not happening.
38225
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