All language subtitles for Will & Grace (1998) - S10E05 - Graces Secret 1080p WEBDL h264 AAC 2.0

male announcer: "Will & Grace"
is recorded in front of

a live studio audience.

- You got to help me.

My dad's on the way up,
and he wants me

to drive to Schenectady
with him.

- Aww, that's nice.

- You know that's not nice.

Don't be that guy.

- Oh, that's awful.

- Awful? He's my father.

- Why don't you text me
what you want me to say,

and I'll read it back?

[keys clicking]

[phone chimes]

Wow, if I could
do that to myself,

I could delete
my Grindr account.

[knocking]

- Okay, okay.

Here is where you
redeem yourself.

Let's do that thing where
we pretend to have a thing.

Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, darling.

You ready to go?

- Hey, Martin.
How's my mom?

I mean, your wife?

I mean, my mom.
I mean, your wife.

[chuckles]

I'll get used to that.

No, I won't.

- Dad, uh, about Schenectady,

I would love to go,
but I forgot we--

we have a thing.

Will? Thing?

- Actually,
the thing got cancelled.

- No, it didn't.
It's still a thing.

Damn that thing!

- No, no. No longer a thing.

- But the thing
is too big a thing

to no longer be a thing.

- I don't know
what you two are doing,

but I got
to get some floss.

I got something stuck
in my tooth.

I had an everything bagel.

It could be anything.

- What the hell was that?

- A long drive
with your father--

Grace, that's a gift.

I--I'd give anything to have
that kind of time

to talk to my dad again.

- It is different with girls.

Your relationship
with your dad changes

the second you get boobs.

- So there's
still time for you.

- [laughs mockingly]

Come on. You know my dad.

We don't talk.

The minute anything gets real,

he gets uncomfortable.

I mean, my whole life,
I've never seen him cry.

- So push through
the discomfort.

Talk about stuff that matters.

Ask him,
"Are you afraid of death?

"Do you have any regrets?

Have you ever had
a gay experience?"

- My dad.

Would you ask your mom

if she's ever had
a lesbian experience?

- Sure, if I wanted her

to leave the room
quickly in tears.

- Surprise!

It was a sesame seed.

Come on, we'll
stop by the cemetery,

visit your mother,
and while we're there,

we'll say hi to Harry.

- I'll visit Mom's grave,
not Harry's.

- Ugh, this Harry thing again.
Oof.

- Look at you two,
having fun already.

- I have a three-hour car drive
to think of my revenge.

Wait, wait, wait.

I got it.
Come with us.

Please, please, please.
- No, no. I can't.

I got--I got Jack's
engagement brunch.

- That's today?

So I actually had a thing?

[keys clicking]

[phone chimes]

- Ooh, I--I would have to

remove two ribs
to do that.

[upbeat instrumental music]

♪

- If you'd told me 20 years ago

I'd be celebrating
my engagement,

I would've had
so many questions.

Are gays allowed
to get married?

Can they be in the military?

- Mm-hmm.

- And why would we want

either of those things?

- Ladies, are we enjoying?

- Everything's marvelous,
Ms. Coco, but FYI,

you shouldn't put celery
in your Bloody Marys.

Too many vegetables--
hard on the liver.

- Karen's kind of a health nut.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- Anything I can do for you?

I mean, get for you...

I mean, eat off you.

- Coco, I'll say
what I said to you

ten minutes ago at the urinal:

I'm fine, and my eyes
are up here.

- So who gets it?

- I'll take it.
- I'll take it.

Oh, Wilma, no.

I'm paying.

My best friend
is getting married.

- My best friend
is getting married.

Your best friend is in the
basement of the White House,

trying to tunnel her way out

with the heel
of her Jimmy Choo.

- Children, make a decision.

I've got six more tables,

and I'm getting less tucked
by the minute.

- I think I can settle this.

The best man should pay.

both: And that's me.

- Ooh, conflict.

We hate that here.

[chuckles]

[upbeat instrumental music]

♪

- So, um, Daddy...

I thought maybe we could talk.

- What do you think we've been
doing for the last two hours?

- No, I mean--
I mean talk about

real stuff, you know?

Like, do you have any regrets?

Are you afraid of death?

- Yes. No.

- Okay, that covers it.

Uh...

What the hell.

Have you ever had a gay
experience?

- Does breakfast with Will
count?

.

- Jack asked me
to be his best man.

- Wrong, Mary.

Jack asked me
to be his best man.

- Okay, okay, okay.

I asked you both.

I just didn't want to hurt
anyone's feelings.

I didn't want Will
to think I preferred you...

[whispers loudly]
I do.

- [mouthing]

- Over him.

[whispers loudly]
I don't.

- This is crazy!
It should be me.

I've known Jack since he was 20

and for 20 years of his 30s.

- Did you go on the Dark Web
to buy him a real severed hand

for his Morticia Addams
costume?

- - Wait.

That was a real severed hand?

- Of course not.

[mouthing]

- What do I do?
What do I do?

- All right,
let's not break a press-on.

When we have a dispute here,
we settle it like men:

with a lip-sync
monologue throw down!

What you do is,
you spin this wheel

and then lip-sync whichever

legendary monologue
it lands on.

Then the audience decides,
with applause, who wins.

- So we're going to determine
something as important

as your best man by lip-syncing
campy monologues

in a room full
of drunken gay men?

- Yeah.

- Yay!
- Makes sense.

- Girls, we've got ourselves
a bitch royale.

[cheers and applause]

- What can I tell you?

I love laminated menus.

You know, the story
of the restaurant in the back--

interesting reading.

- I'll wait for the movie.

- Always with
the smart answers,

like your mother.

Hi! Hey, Patty.

It's my favorite waitress.

- Hi, Mr. Adler.

Is this the new Mrs. Adler?

- No, I'm his daughter, Grace.

Clearly the age
of a daughter, not a wife.

- Okay.

- How is it you get prettier
every year, eh?

- Well, I'm pretty religious
about using sunscreen.

May I tell you
about today's specials?

We have broasted chicken,

whole breaded catfish plate,

shrimp salad--

- I'll have that.
- You stopped me.

I memorize the specials
in order,

so if you stop me,
I've got to go back to the top.

- Sorry.

- No, it's okay.

It's okay.
I'll just start again.

Um, we have broasted chicken,

whole breaded catfish plate,

shrimp salad,

salmon croquettes
with Creole sauce--

- Hmm.

- Did that count
as interrupting?

- It did.

[upbeat instrumental music]

[clacking]

- Oh, oh!

[cheers and applause]

I've seen this one
a million times.

It--it used to be my--

my go-to move to do it
on a first date.

[crowd groans]

That's not sad.

- Ooh, the "leave Britney
alone" speech that fan gave

after Britney Spears
screwed up at the VMAs.

[cackles]

It was sad-larious.

- You are going down, Karen.

- Hit it!

[recording plays]
- Leave Britney alone!

Please!

[sobbing]

Perez Hilton talked about
professionalism

and said if Britney
was a professional,

she would've pulled it off,
no matter what.

Speaking of professionalism,
when is it professional

to publicly bash someone

who's going through
a hard time?

Leave Britney alone!

Please!

[cheers and applause]
- Boo!

Boo! Boo!

[cheers and applause]

- Take off your pants!

Who said that?

- Well, that wasn't half bad,

Britney Queers.

Now...

Watch and learn.

[clacking]

[crowd gasps]

[cheers and applause]

- Ah, the Wicked Witch
monologue.

Straight out of the bible.

[instrumental music]

- Broasted chicken,

whole breaded catfish plate,

shrimp salad--

- She'll have the salad.

I'll have the Reuben.

Unless you're on the menu,
sweetheart.

- I am not,

although, my name is Patty,

and there are
hamburger patties,

so I almost made it.

- Why do you do that?

Flirting, calling women
"sweetheart"?

- Ah, they love it.
- They don't love it.

- I mean, everybody's
so sensitive nowadays.

Sometimes I feel like
men can't be men anymore,

not with this,
uh, #NotMe stuff.

- "Me Too."
- Well, we agree on something.

And why are you being
such a nudge?

- Because it--

You know what?
It doesn't matter.

Let's just eat
and then visit Mom.

- And then Harry.
- No.

I told you. No Harry.

- He was my best friend.

- Well, he wasn't mine.

- You know, it always
bothered me,

this thing you have
about Harry.

I got you a good job
working for my best friend,

and you stole money.

You know how embarrassing
that was for me?

- Dad--
- And you didn't apologize.

If you had apologized,
things would be different.

But you didn't apologize.
- That's not what happened.

- Well, you tell me
what happened.

- I don't want
to talk about it.

- Now you don't want to talk.

- The whole summer
that I worked for Harry,

I kept telling you
he was creepy.

What did you think that meant?

- Uh, I don't know.
He was a flirty guy.

- Oh, and--and you
thought that was okay?

Him flirting with
your daughter?

- That was a different time.
- No, no.

That's not an excuse.

What--just because
it was a different time,

it wasn't bad?

No, all that meant

was that people
got away with it.

- Hey, calm down.
- No, don't--

Do not tell me
to calm down.

I can't do this.
- Where you going?

I mean, what did he do?
Pat you on the tushy?

- No, he did more than that.

- That doesn't
sound like Harry.

He had his faults,
but he was a good guy.

- He was not a good guy.
- It was a long time ago.

- Maybe you're misremembering.
- No, no! I remember!

I remember every single thing
that happened that day.

- I-I--wait, I don't want
to talk about it.

- No, we're talking.

It was hot,

so I had to have my hair up,

and it showed off the earrings
that I borrowed from Mom

that made me feel
really grown up.

And then,
at the end of the day,

Harry called me
into his office.

- What are you talking about?
- I walked in.

He shut the door,
he closed the blinds,

and then he pushed me up
against the wall.

- Gracie, no.

- I tried to scream,

but he told me "Quiet."

Then he started kissing me

and touching me,

and then he pulled down
my pants,

put his fingers up--

- Stop!

- I was 15.

- I hate to interrupt
the party,

but we ran out
of shrimp salad.

I know.

I'm disappointed too.

[instrumental music]

.

[instrumental music]

- Afterwards, I just wanted

to get away from him.

I just wanted to be home,

so I took money
out of the drawer,

and I called a cab.

That's why I stole the money.

- Why didn't you tell me?

- How could I?

What if you didn't believe me?

What if nobody believed me?

Why didn't you see?

You're my father.

You're supposed to protect me.

- I didn't know!
- You should have.

- You're right!

I'm so sorry, Grace.

[sobs]
I'm so sorry.

I didn't protect
my little girl.

- It's okay, Daddy.

- No, it's not okay.

How can it be okay?

How did you get through it?

- Well, you just kind of split
yourself into two people.

The person it happened to

and the one who gets
through the day.

And then you grow up,

and your life gets bigger...

and that stuff gets smaller.

- Here are your waters.
- Thank you.

- I know the glasses
look dirty,

but it's just the water.

- Did you tell anyone else?

- I told one person.

- Good.

I'm glad you have
a best friend.

Can you ever forgive me?

- I can.

- I'm not gonna visit
that bastard in the cemetery.

I never want to hear
his name again.

He's dead to me.

- Well, he's dead
to everybody, Daddy.

♪

[recording plays]
- Just try!

I'll get you, my pretty,

and your little dog too!

[cackling]

[cheers and applause]

Broom drop.

- Who likes the drag queen?

[cheers and applause]

And who likes
my second husband,

should my first husband die
a timely death?

[cheers and applause]

We have a new dilemma.

We've never had a tied
bitch royale.

[crowd murmurs]

- Are you saying
I've got to decide?

- Or we could have a contest

to see which one
knows you better.

- Or you suggesting
a public Jack-off?

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Okay, Will,
this question is to you.

In the fall of aught eight,

I had a brief,
but torrid, affair

with a certain redhead.

Tell me his name,
where we met,

and what food he threw at me

when I told him
I met someone else.

- Dick, dock, duck.

- That is correct.

[cheers and applause]

- In your face, Walker!

- Nicely done, Will.

- Gorgeous and smart.

Oscar, I'm leaving you.

Oh, forget it.

- Okay, Karen.
- Okay.

This one's for you.

It is a question
about my "peh-nis."

- I know it better than my own.

Ha-ha-ha!

- When fully aroused...
- [laughing] Oh, yeah.

- Like when Conor McGregor

is on the cover
of "Men's Health"

or there is a light breeze...

- Yes. Mm.

- What is my measurement

in Good & Plentys?

[crowd groans]

- Damn it.

I know it in Red Vines.

I'm gonna say 18.

- 18?

I'd be hung like a--
oh, my God, that is correct!

- Ah-ha-ha-ha!

[upbeat instrumental music]

.

[instrumental music]

- [sighs]

So I told him, Mom.

But you were wrong;
he did okay.

I think you would've
been proud of him.

He said he was sorry.

You know, I always thought

that I needed an apology
from Harry...

But it turned out I really
needed one from Daddy.

I feel better.

Oh, by the way,
seeing someone.

He's Jewish and straight,

so stop spinning.

He's a good guy...

although he complains
about everything.

I guess you and I have a type.

I miss you, Mom.

♪

- Did you have a good visit
with your mother?

- I did.

- You didn't tell her
I remarried, did you?

- No.

But don't you think
she'd want you to be happy?

- Absolutely not.

I wouldn't want her
to be happy, either.

That's love.

[quirky instrumental music]

♪

- Once again,
the score is tied.

- Now it's time
for the final question.

Will, what is my greatest--

- Sneaking into Cher's trailer
and trying on her wig.

- Please wait until I finish
the entire question.

But, yes, that is
my greatest achievement.

But...

what is my greatest fear?

- Oh, that's easy.

Never having a legitimate
acting career.

Ladies and gentlemen,
your best man!

- Ha, not even close, Wilma!

His greatest fear is aging.

- Oh, please,
he'd be fine about aging

if he can get
a single part.

- Well, this sort of hurts.

- Are you telling me
he doesn't look more and more

like Angela Lansbury
every single day?

- Okay, maybe we don't just--

- Wait, wait, wait.

I have known him
way longer than you.

I should be best man!

- This is stupid!
I know I'm better.

I should be best man.

- Why--would you--
- Stop, stop it, stop!

Stop! Stop, stop!

Why are we fighting over
who's best man?

Isn't marriage
just some weird thing

straight guys came up with
as a way to own a woman?

And sure, it'd be great
to own a woman.

You know, to open jars...

or to hold your purse

while you and your boyfriend
go on the Ferris wheel.

But we are gay men!

We make our own rules!

I say, let's reinvent marriage.

Yeah, rip it apart.

Take off the sleeves,
fringe the bottom,

and crop the top!

[laughter, applause]

So here's my new rule.

I'm gonna have
two best men.

Because, yeah,
we got gay marriage,

but let's make marriage gay!

[cheers and applause]

- Yeah, I can live with
two best men.

- Yeah, me too.

[chuckles]

Grace,
when did you get here?

[quirky instrumental music]

♪

- And sure, it'd be great
to own a woman.

You know, to open jars...

or to hold your purse

while you and your boyfriend
go on the Ferris wheel.

- I can't believe you made it
on the wheel at Ms. Coco's.

- I know!

Everybody at the gay bar
is doing me.

- You haven't said that
for years.

- Honey, I've divided up

our responsibilities
for the wedding.

- Well, yours just says,
"Show up if avail."

- It's a big ask,
but I love the guy.

- Hey.
- Hey, Grace.

- How did it go?
Was it torture?

- Uh, it was a lot of things.

But it was good.
Really good.

Thanks for making me go.

So how was brunch?

- Will and Karen did a Jack-off

to decide who would
be my best man,

and you're never
gonna guess who won.

Oh, oh--they both did!

Will, tell her the story.
Actually, don't.

You'll be boring.
Karen, tell her.