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- Will & Grace is recorded
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00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,754
in front of a live
studio audience.
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00:00:07,802 --> 00:00:09,386
- Morning.
- Morning.
4
00:00:09,426 --> 00:00:10,809
Do you like
the new Grace Adler?
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00:00:10,847 --> 00:00:13,153
I'm putting her in the lobby
of the design union
6
00:00:13,191 --> 00:00:14,402
to remind people to vote.
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00:00:14,450 --> 00:00:15,622
- Isn't that just an invitation
8
00:00:15,660 --> 00:00:18,254
for someone to
draw a penis on it?
9
00:00:18,293 --> 00:00:19,628
- Why do you
diminish my efforts?
10
00:00:19,676 --> 00:00:22,519
- Why do you diminish
your thighs?
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00:00:22,559 --> 00:00:25,114
Whose did you use?
RuPaul?
12
00:00:27,324 --> 00:00:29,754
Grace, did you eat all
of the almond butter?
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00:00:29,792 --> 00:00:31,339
I just bought it.
14
00:00:31,378 --> 00:00:33,511
This really throws me off;
I had already calculated it
15
00:00:33,559 --> 00:00:35,019
into my good fats for the day.
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00:00:35,057 --> 00:00:38,574
What, am I supposed to eat
a coconut like a castaway?
17
00:00:39,534 --> 00:00:41,330
- I don't know what to say.
18
00:00:41,379 --> 00:00:42,291
- How about, "I'm sorry."
19
00:00:42,339 --> 00:00:44,348
- Okay, okay.
20
00:00:45,135 --> 00:00:47,018
- Well?
- What?
21
00:00:47,056 --> 00:00:48,527
- Aren't you going to say,
I'm sorry?
22
00:00:48,565 --> 00:00:51,533
- Oh, my God. How many times
do I have to apologize?
23
00:00:51,572 --> 00:00:53,253
- How about once?
24
00:00:53,291 --> 00:00:56,761
- Will, can we just agree
that almond butter is stupid?
25
00:00:56,799 --> 00:00:58,431
Because no matter what
you tell yourself,
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00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:02,409
it's not peanut butter
and it never will be.
27
00:01:02,447 --> 00:01:03,620
- Sorry I brought it up.
28
00:01:03,659 --> 00:01:05,964
- Apology accepted.
29
00:01:06,003 --> 00:01:09,009
- Hey, so, you know how I've
always been kind of psychic?
30
00:01:09,057 --> 00:01:10,930
Like a little queer-voyant?
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00:01:10,978 --> 00:01:12,564
[together] No.
- See?
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00:01:12,612 --> 00:01:14,159
I knew you were going
to say that.
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00:01:14,197 --> 00:01:17,330
So, after taking
a short online course
34
00:01:17,378 --> 00:01:19,385
and proving
that I'm not a robot,
35
00:01:19,423 --> 00:01:23,190
the good folks at The United
Community of Psychic People,
36
00:01:23,228 --> 00:01:25,524
or UCPP, have welcomed--
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00:01:25,572 --> 00:01:28,167
[laughing]
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00:01:28,205 --> 00:01:30,212
Oh, my God.
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00:01:30,251 --> 00:01:32,884
UCPP!
40
00:01:32,931 --> 00:01:34,853
I just got that.
41
00:01:34,891 --> 00:01:35,814
Do you guys get it?
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00:01:35,852 --> 00:01:37,072
- Mhm.
- Yeah.
43
00:01:37,110 --> 00:01:40,578
- Anyway, those guys
have welcomed me
44
00:01:40,626 --> 00:01:46,103
into their community
of a certified psychic.
45
00:01:46,141 --> 00:01:47,650
- There's no name
written on there.
46
00:01:47,688 --> 00:01:50,657
- Yeah, it costs $500
for them to put that on there.
47
00:01:50,695 --> 00:01:51,742
So, can I borrow--
48
00:01:51,790 --> 00:01:53,788
All:
No.
49
00:01:56,555 --> 00:01:59,150
- Now, I'm scaring myself.
50
00:01:59,188 --> 00:02:01,407
And, if you need
a further demonstration,
51
00:02:01,446 --> 00:02:05,087
Karen is gonna
walk through that door in 5--
52
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,883
- Now, honey?
53
00:02:08,930 --> 00:02:11,063
- [quickly]
4,3,2,1.
54
00:02:14,194 --> 00:02:16,837
- Grace, I need a favor.
55
00:02:18,210 --> 00:02:19,546
- Over here.
56
00:02:20,429 --> 00:02:23,524
- Oh, right.
The campaign.
57
00:02:23,562 --> 00:02:27,366
But the resemblance is uncanny.
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00:02:28,874 --> 00:02:30,085
But aren't you worried
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00:02:30,133 --> 00:02:32,929
someone's gonna
draw a penis on it?
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00:02:32,967 --> 00:02:35,734
- No!
Why does everybody--Jack!
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00:02:39,663 --> 00:02:41,335
- Honey...
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00:02:41,373 --> 00:02:42,882
Is it okay if I store
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00:02:42,921 --> 00:02:46,138
a few things from my place
at the office?
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00:02:46,186 --> 00:02:47,436
Um...
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00:02:47,484 --> 00:02:50,154
I've decided
to sell the manse.
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00:02:50,202 --> 00:02:52,287
- Really?
- I saw it in a vision.
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00:02:58,013 --> 00:03:01,654
Now that Rosario is gone
and with the divorce
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00:03:01,693 --> 00:03:03,287
there's just too many memories.
69
00:03:03,326 --> 00:03:05,296
- One of my favorite memories
is the time you and Stan were
70
00:03:05,334 --> 00:03:08,553
being robbed and you wouldn't
let Rosario in the panic room
71
00:03:08,601 --> 00:03:12,981
because it wasn't, in your
words, a "His-panic room."
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00:03:18,467 --> 00:03:22,224
- I like to make life nice
for the working classes.
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00:03:22,935 --> 00:03:24,942
Right, middle class grace?
74
00:03:27,324 --> 00:03:31,466
I'm sorry.
Right, middle class Grace?
75
00:03:31,514 --> 00:03:34,348
[upbeat trumpet
and piano music]
76
00:03:34,396 --> 00:03:40,919
♪
77
00:03:42,677 --> 00:03:45,434
- [gasps]
Would you look at that?
78
00:03:45,473 --> 00:03:47,855
- It's the bracelet
Stan gave me
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00:03:47,904 --> 00:03:51,122
for eating one
of my mini Prada bags.
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00:03:52,707 --> 00:03:55,388
He thought it was a taco.
81
00:03:55,426 --> 00:03:58,395
- Karen, I'm getting so many
vibrations from being around
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00:03:58,433 --> 00:04:00,863
all your old stuff.
83
00:04:00,902 --> 00:04:02,449
Like this. Wow.
84
00:04:02,487 --> 00:04:05,504
Hey, now that I'm a psychic,
could I rock a turban?
85
00:04:05,542 --> 00:04:07,675
- Honey, I'm really looking
forward to watching you
86
00:04:07,713 --> 00:04:10,308
con poor people
out of their money.
87
00:04:10,980 --> 00:04:12,989
"Should I buy food
or should I listen
88
00:04:13,027 --> 00:04:16,168
to what this dum-dum
in a turban has to say?"
89
00:04:17,503 --> 00:04:20,011
- Karen, I have a real gift.
90
00:04:20,049 --> 00:04:21,769
- The only gift you have
is the one
91
00:04:21,808 --> 00:04:24,901
where you clean yourself
like a dog.
92
00:04:24,949 --> 00:04:27,284
- It's the gift
that keeps on giving,
93
00:04:28,418 --> 00:04:30,176
And receiving.
94
00:04:30,214 --> 00:04:33,682
But Karen, I am telling you, I
am truly psychically connected.
95
00:04:33,730 --> 00:04:37,112
- Honey,
I come from con man stock.
96
00:04:37,150 --> 00:04:38,870
My mother was a grifter.
97
00:04:38,908 --> 00:04:41,752
My father was a flim-flam man,
98
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:44,769
when he wasn't
governor of Oklahoma.
99
00:04:46,479 --> 00:04:48,861
The only thing
a fake psychic needs
100
00:04:48,899 --> 00:04:51,619
is to find out what
their mark wants to hear
101
00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:53,876
and then
give it to them.
102
00:04:55,260 --> 00:04:59,477
- Okay, okay,
I'm sensing skepticism.
103
00:05:01,197 --> 00:05:05,251
- Karen inspired me to finally
clean out the closet.
104
00:05:05,290 --> 00:05:07,346
Plus, it's raining
so I couldn't go running.
105
00:05:07,384 --> 00:05:08,595
- You never go running.
106
00:05:08,643 --> 00:05:11,737
- I wasn't going to start
in the rain.
107
00:05:11,775 --> 00:05:13,907
You are not going
to believe what I found.
108
00:05:13,946 --> 00:05:17,587
- Oh, Grace, you broke Garfield
off his base.
109
00:05:17,626 --> 00:05:20,517
Now it just says, "I love
lasagna," with no context.
110
00:05:20,556 --> 00:05:23,563
- Because it makes a lot more
sense when a cat says it.
111
00:05:24,610 --> 00:05:26,493
- Can't you just say,
"I'm sorry?"
112
00:05:26,531 --> 00:05:28,914
- Okay, fine.
113
00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:31,556
- You actually have to say it.
114
00:05:31,594 --> 00:05:34,016
- Oh, my God,
you're relentless.
115
00:05:35,024 --> 00:05:37,906
I found all the letters that we
wrote to each other in college.
116
00:05:37,944 --> 00:05:39,501
- Oh, yeah. You know,
I actually--
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00:05:39,539 --> 00:05:41,797
I meant to organize those
for the archives.
118
00:05:41,836 --> 00:05:43,555
For when I was going
to write my memoir.
119
00:05:43,594 --> 00:05:45,851
- Oh, right, right,
and it had that weird title.
120
00:05:45,890 --> 00:05:47,187
- Weird tit--
121
00:05:47,235 --> 00:05:50,328
"Homo with a Pie"
is a great title,
122
00:05:50,367 --> 00:05:51,789
and when I get around
to writing it
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00:05:51,828 --> 00:05:54,844
it's really gonna delve
into the complexities
124
00:05:54,882 --> 00:05:56,391
of the gay experience
in America,
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00:05:56,429 --> 00:05:59,273
and at the end
there'll be recipes.
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00:06:00,656 --> 00:06:03,538
You know, for--for pie.
- [laughs]
127
00:06:03,577 --> 00:06:05,796
Okay, check this out.
Spring break freshman year.
128
00:06:05,834 --> 00:06:06,930
- Mm-hmm.
129
00:06:06,968 --> 00:06:09,351
- Oh, my God I was
so in love with you.
130
00:06:09,390 --> 00:06:10,898
Remember I was desperately
trying to get you
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00:06:10,936 --> 00:06:12,320
to have sex with me?
132
00:06:12,358 --> 00:06:15,039
- Yeah, I was desperately
trying to avoid it.
133
00:06:15,077 --> 00:06:16,671
Read the letter.
- Okay.
134
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:20,765
"Hey, lover, I hate that our
schedules keep conflicting.
135
00:06:20,803 --> 00:06:23,109
"Will, there's something
I don't want anymore
136
00:06:23,147 --> 00:06:26,539
"and I want you
to take from me.
137
00:06:26,577 --> 00:06:28,623
"Wink wink.
Read the back.
138
00:06:28,671 --> 00:06:30,381
I'm talking
about my virginity."
139
00:06:30,419 --> 00:06:32,101
- Oh, no.
140
00:06:34,397 --> 00:06:36,443
- Oh, I just want
to reach back in time
141
00:06:36,491 --> 00:06:38,201
and slap the dumb out
of me.
142
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:40,622
- Hey, you think you're bummed,
I'm a guy.
143
00:06:40,670 --> 00:06:43,178
"While I was giving possibly
my best performance of
144
00:06:43,217 --> 00:06:45,350
"'Trouble in River City,'
the whole time I was thinking
145
00:06:45,398 --> 00:06:47,905
"'I wish I was in bed
making love to Grace,'
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00:06:47,943 --> 00:06:49,576
"with a capital G
that rhymes with C
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00:06:49,615 --> 00:06:50,950
"and that stands
for 'coitus.'
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00:06:50,999 --> 00:06:53,919
- [laughs]
149
00:06:57,849 --> 00:06:58,021
.
150
00:06:58,060 --> 00:06:59,818
[piano music]
151
00:06:59,856 --> 00:07:01,913
- Oooh, perfume.
- Oh.
152
00:07:01,951 --> 00:07:04,708
- This seems
very special indeed.
153
00:07:04,756 --> 00:07:06,591
I'm gonna have to do
a spray and step.
154
00:07:06,629 --> 00:07:10,357
- Spray, delay, and walk away.
155
00:07:15,209 --> 00:07:17,380
You know,
Rosario gave me that perfume
156
00:07:17,418 --> 00:07:19,474
because she thought
that it would bring
157
00:07:19,513 --> 00:07:21,021
true love into my life.
158
00:07:21,059 --> 00:07:23,730
Her exact words were,
"This will cover up the stink
159
00:07:23,778 --> 00:07:25,325
"of the alcohol and then maybe
160
00:07:25,364 --> 00:07:28,255
you can trick a man
into tolerating you."
161
00:07:28,294 --> 00:07:30,129
- Ah.
162
00:07:30,763 --> 00:07:33,184
- She was such a romantic.
163
00:07:33,223 --> 00:07:35,480
And then, sure enough,
164
00:07:35,528 --> 00:07:38,785
the very first time I wore it,
165
00:07:38,832 --> 00:07:40,456
I met Stan.
166
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:43,886
You can toss it.
167
00:07:43,934 --> 00:07:47,402
I'm never falling
in love again.
168
00:07:47,441 --> 00:07:48,949
- What?
Why would you say that?
169
00:07:48,988 --> 00:07:51,121
- Because I'm through
with love.
170
00:07:51,169 --> 00:07:53,715
I mean, sure,
I'll have my needs met.
171
00:07:53,753 --> 00:07:55,722
The occasional rub and tug.
172
00:07:56,971 --> 00:07:58,652
The all night bang fest.
173
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:02,371
A back alley bean twiddle.
174
00:08:04,081 --> 00:08:06,886
But as far as my heart goes...
175
00:08:06,925 --> 00:08:08,308
it is closed.
176
00:08:08,346 --> 00:08:10,979
- Well,
I hate hearing that Karen.
177
00:08:11,027 --> 00:08:12,785
You have so much love
to give.
178
00:08:12,823 --> 00:08:17,128
All you need to do is just--
- Ba-ba-ba-ba-boo.
179
00:08:17,176 --> 00:08:20,893
Go back
to your fake magic tricks.
180
00:08:20,932 --> 00:08:22,565
- It's not fake, Karen!
181
00:08:25,697 --> 00:08:28,166
I can see your future.
182
00:08:29,963 --> 00:08:33,517
I see romance, I see travel...
183
00:08:33,565 --> 00:08:36,274
I see London.
184
00:08:36,322 --> 00:08:39,580
I see France...
185
00:08:39,628 --> 00:08:41,462
I see Karen's underpants.
[laughs]
186
00:08:41,510 --> 00:08:42,885
No, I'm just kidding.
187
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:44,095
I know you go commando
when it's raining.
188
00:08:44,143 --> 00:08:46,439
- Yeah.
- Okay.
189
00:08:46,477 --> 00:08:49,158
I do see love.
I see happiness.
190
00:08:49,197 --> 00:08:50,916
- Oh, save it
for your next mark.
191
00:08:50,955 --> 00:08:52,626
- Wait, wait.
192
00:08:52,674 --> 00:08:53,674
[thunder rumbles]
193
00:08:53,712 --> 00:08:54,970
I'm fee--
194
00:08:55,009 --> 00:08:56,604
I'm feeling something strange,
Karen.
195
00:08:56,642 --> 00:08:57,728
What?
196
00:08:57,776 --> 00:08:59,735
Oh, it's coming from in here.
197
00:08:59,774 --> 00:09:01,744
[gasping]
198
00:09:01,782 --> 00:09:04,289
It's Rosario's jacket.
199
00:09:04,337 --> 00:09:06,759
- Ooh.
200
00:09:06,807 --> 00:09:09,563
Check the pocket
for scratchers.
201
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:13,531
[thunder rumbles]
202
00:09:14,617 --> 00:09:16,424
[gasps]
203
00:09:16,462 --> 00:09:17,720
- [as Rosario]
Hello, lady.
204
00:09:17,759 --> 00:09:19,219
- [gasps]
205
00:09:19,266 --> 00:09:20,603
[both breathing erratically]
206
00:09:20,641 --> 00:09:21,851
Oh...
207
00:09:21,899 --> 00:09:23,485
- Ah.
- Choo.
208
00:09:23,523 --> 00:09:24,532
- What just happened?
209
00:09:24,570 --> 00:09:26,116
- I don't know.
210
00:09:26,165 --> 00:09:28,711
But honey, I think you might
have another gift
211
00:09:28,749 --> 00:09:31,718
besides
squeaky clean balls.
212
00:09:34,187 --> 00:09:35,657
- Uh oh.
213
00:09:35,695 --> 00:09:38,203
November 29th, 1985.
214
00:09:38,242 --> 00:09:39,875
The day after Thanksgiving.
215
00:09:39,923 --> 00:09:41,172
- When I came out to you.
216
00:09:41,210 --> 00:09:44,178
- Ugh, you ripped my heart out.
217
00:09:44,226 --> 00:09:46,484
It was like everything
I believed in was a lie.
218
00:09:46,522 --> 00:09:50,452
Even holding this in my hand
I feel like I wanna throw up.
219
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:51,499
Should we read it?
220
00:09:51,538 --> 00:09:54,506
[thundering]
221
00:09:54,554 --> 00:09:56,889
- That's a good sign, right?
222
00:09:57,984 --> 00:10:00,444
- I can't totally explain it,
Karen, but it's like
223
00:10:00,492 --> 00:10:03,037
Rosario's all around me.
224
00:10:03,085 --> 00:10:04,882
She's in me...
225
00:10:04,921 --> 00:10:07,428
and then she's out of me.
226
00:10:07,476 --> 00:10:09,475
She's in me
and then she's out of me.
227
00:10:09,523 --> 00:10:12,616
It's like our wedding night
all over again.
228
00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:16,795
- Is she happy?
Does she like cleaning heaven?
229
00:10:19,303 --> 00:10:21,310
- She says it's bigger
than she thought...
230
00:10:21,358 --> 00:10:22,608
- Oh.
231
00:10:22,646 --> 00:10:23,943
- But they do let her take home
232
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:26,450
leftover chicken
and the recyclables.
233
00:10:26,498 --> 00:10:28,631
- Does she have
a message for me?
234
00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:29,928
- She does.
- [quietly] She does.
235
00:10:29,966 --> 00:10:31,264
- Oh, this is interesting.
236
00:10:31,302 --> 00:10:33,809
Rosario says you're going
to find love again.
237
00:10:33,857 --> 00:10:35,615
- That's crap.
238
00:10:35,654 --> 00:10:39,209
What did she break
into god's liquor cabinet?
239
00:10:40,131 --> 00:10:42,139
- Um, this is coming
from a disembodied ghost
240
00:10:42,178 --> 00:10:44,349
so, kinda think it's real.
[laughs wryly]
241
00:10:44,397 --> 00:10:46,981
- She doesn't know
what she's talking about.
242
00:10:47,029 --> 00:10:48,239
- [gasps]
Uh-oh.
243
00:10:48,279 --> 00:10:50,286
She did not like that.
244
00:10:50,334 --> 00:10:52,755
- Why, what'd she say?
245
00:10:53,505 --> 00:10:55,724
- Rosario,
I'm not going to tell her that.
246
00:10:55,762 --> 00:10:56,896
- Well just tell me.
247
00:10:56,935 --> 00:10:57,856
- She says
you're gonna get mad.
248
00:10:57,895 --> 00:11:00,076
- I'm not gonna get mad.
249
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,246
- She says you're a quitter--
- Mm-hmm.
250
00:11:03,294 --> 00:11:05,715
- She says you should
put on that perfume
251
00:11:05,763 --> 00:11:08,310
and get your rich,
pampered ass back out there.
252
00:11:09,145 --> 00:11:12,661
- She is not allowed
to talk to me that way!
253
00:11:13,324 --> 00:11:16,629
Even though she is dead,
she's fired.
254
00:11:17,215 --> 00:11:18,387
- [grunts]
255
00:11:18,425 --> 00:11:19,559
- [yelps]
What are you doing?
256
00:11:19,597 --> 00:11:21,058
- She's coming through!
- [yelps]
257
00:11:21,106 --> 00:11:22,605
- She's taking over.
- Oh!
258
00:11:22,653 --> 00:11:24,612
- [grunts]
I'm losing myself!
259
00:11:24,660 --> 00:11:25,746
[strains]
260
00:11:25,784 --> 00:11:27,332
- [gasps]
261
00:11:29,253 --> 00:11:30,800
- [as Rosario]
Well, there are a few things
262
00:11:30,848 --> 00:11:33,057
I'd like to say to you, too.
263
00:11:33,942 --> 00:11:35,863
If you quit on love,
you're a fool.
264
00:11:35,901 --> 00:11:38,159
- What the hell do you know...
- Listen, lady--
265
00:11:38,207 --> 00:11:40,167
[talking over each other]
266
00:11:40,215 --> 00:11:42,550
--Sapphire earrings of mine
that you stole
267
00:11:42,598 --> 00:11:44,731
and then swallowed and passed
through your digestive track
268
00:11:44,769 --> 00:11:46,489
and you thought
I wouldn't notice.
269
00:11:46,527 --> 00:11:49,245
Why do you think I have butler
stand outside the door
270
00:11:49,284 --> 00:11:51,254
with a pair of rubber gloves
on bathroom day.
271
00:11:51,292 --> 00:11:54,049
- ...Lid for every pot and that
means there's someone for you.
272
00:11:55,135 --> 00:11:56,681
- Rosie.
273
00:11:56,730 --> 00:11:58,363
Do you really think so?
274
00:11:58,401 --> 00:11:59,785
- I do.
275
00:11:59,823 --> 00:12:03,080
- Then I won't give up on love.
276
00:12:03,128 --> 00:12:04,626
I love you, Mami.
277
00:12:04,674 --> 00:12:06,596
- I love you too, Mami.
278
00:12:10,113 --> 00:12:12,745
- I miss those lips.
279
00:12:13,869 --> 00:12:14,955
- She's going.
- Oh, no.
280
00:12:15,003 --> 00:12:16,338
- She's going.
- [gasps]
281
00:12:16,377 --> 00:12:18,221
[both breathing erratically]
282
00:12:24,322 --> 00:12:25,283
- She's gone.
283
00:12:25,331 --> 00:12:28,424
- Oh, no.
Rosie, wait.
284
00:12:28,462 --> 00:12:31,604
Rosie!
285
00:12:33,102 --> 00:12:33,314
.
286
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,360
[piano music]
287
00:12:35,408 --> 00:12:37,032
- Okay, let's set the scene.
288
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:38,876
It's the day after
I came out to you.
289
00:12:38,916 --> 00:12:42,258
I'm back at school wearing
a Clinique peel-off mask
290
00:12:42,306 --> 00:12:44,016
because of a stress pimple,
291
00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:47,360
and listening to our song
over and over.
292
00:12:47,408 --> 00:12:48,705
- How could I not see it?
293
00:12:48,744 --> 00:12:50,789
Our song was Dancing Queen.
- Mm.
294
00:12:52,922 --> 00:12:54,517
[exhales sharply]
295
00:12:55,180 --> 00:12:56,814
- This is a short one.
296
00:12:56,852 --> 00:12:58,947
"Grace, I'm so sorry.
297
00:12:58,985 --> 00:13:01,329
I'm just so sorry."
298
00:13:03,587 --> 00:13:05,969
So sad.
- I know.
299
00:13:06,008 --> 00:13:09,361
- And then I wrote you
that big long one.
300
00:13:09,399 --> 00:13:10,485
Oof, huh?
301
00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:12,867
- Yeah,
I couldn't even open it.
302
00:13:12,905 --> 00:13:14,539
- You di--
303
00:13:15,797 --> 00:13:16,883
- You didn't read it?
304
00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:18,641
- No, I couldn't.
- Really?
305
00:13:18,679 --> 00:13:22,321
'Cause if I had gotten
a letter this thick
306
00:13:22,359 --> 00:13:25,751
scented in white diamonds,
I'd have been a little curious.
307
00:13:25,789 --> 00:13:28,671
- Will, I was devastated.
308
00:13:28,719 --> 00:13:30,640
I mean, I even considered
being a lesbian
309
00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:33,061
but women are a lot of work.
[grunts]
310
00:13:33,110 --> 00:13:34,531
- I can't believe
you're joking.
311
00:13:34,570 --> 00:13:35,954
I cried
when I wrote this letter.
312
00:13:35,992 --> 00:13:39,335
- You cried?
I think we know who was crying.
313
00:13:39,374 --> 00:13:42,217
But come on, we're good.
We got through it.
314
00:13:42,266 --> 00:13:43,888
You apologized.
315
00:13:43,937 --> 00:13:45,897
- Yeah.
316
00:13:45,945 --> 00:13:47,492
Over and over again.
317
00:13:47,530 --> 00:13:48,578
- What does that mean?
318
00:13:48,616 --> 00:13:49,913
- We never talk about this
319
00:13:49,961 --> 00:13:52,007
but that's kind of our dynamic,
isn't it?
320
00:13:52,046 --> 00:13:54,851
That I always say I'm sorry.
You never say it.
321
00:13:54,889 --> 00:13:56,648
It's like I'm
constantly apologizing
322
00:13:56,686 --> 00:13:58,867
for the original sin
of hurting you.
323
00:13:58,905 --> 00:14:00,663
- Okay, I--
- No, that's true. That's true.
324
00:14:00,702 --> 00:14:02,921
And you never have to apologize
because you're the victim.
325
00:14:02,959 --> 00:14:04,170
- Oh, my God.
326
00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:06,014
Is this about
your almond thing?
327
00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:08,023
I said I'm sorry.
328
00:14:08,061 --> 00:14:09,694
- No, you didn't.
329
00:14:09,733 --> 00:14:10,654
You never do.
330
00:14:10,693 --> 00:14:12,029
- Why are you getting so mad
331
00:14:12,077 --> 00:14:13,787
about something that happened
a million years ago?
332
00:14:13,835 --> 00:14:15,208
- 'Cause you didn't
read my letter.
333
00:14:15,256 --> 00:14:16,755
You didn't even think
that maybe
334
00:14:16,803 --> 00:14:18,513
I was going through
something, too.
335
00:14:18,552 --> 00:14:19,848
Maybe I needed my best friend.
336
00:14:19,897 --> 00:14:21,357
- Okay, fine.
I'll read it.
337
00:14:21,395 --> 00:14:22,318
Give it to me.
338
00:14:22,356 --> 00:14:23,365
- No.
339
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:24,364
- What do you mean, "no."
340
00:14:24,412 --> 00:14:26,036
- You had your chance.
341
00:14:27,755 --> 00:14:30,426
- No, no, no, no.
You're not going out there.
342
00:14:30,474 --> 00:14:31,723
- Aren't I?
- Nope.
343
00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:33,356
It is pouring rain
and you are wearing
344
00:14:33,395 --> 00:14:35,490
your suede driving moccasins.
345
00:14:35,528 --> 00:14:37,997
- I don't care.
346
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:40,466
- Okay, yes, I care.
I care.
347
00:14:43,684 --> 00:14:45,481
- You did not just do that.
348
00:14:45,528 --> 00:14:47,527
- Oh, didn't I?
349
00:14:49,584 --> 00:14:52,753
- The one time
he doesn't throw like a girl.
350
00:14:59,613 --> 00:15:00,747
Mrs. Timmer?
351
00:15:00,785 --> 00:15:02,505
- Oh, there you are.
352
00:15:02,543 --> 00:15:04,925
I like your hat.
353
00:15:04,965 --> 00:15:07,434
- It's a Duane Reade bag.
354
00:15:07,472 --> 00:15:09,730
- Just take the compliment.
355
00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:12,746
Anyway, this envelope
landed on my terrace.
356
00:15:12,784 --> 00:15:14,831
- Oh, God, I've been running
up and down the block
357
00:15:14,879 --> 00:15:16,762
looking for this.
358
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:17,761
You opened it?
359
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,394
- How else could
I have read it?
360
00:15:20,442 --> 00:15:22,401
Listen, doll,
you should read it too.
361
00:15:22,449 --> 00:15:24,073
Without giving too much away,
362
00:15:24,121 --> 00:15:26,082
it explains why you
and your husband
363
00:15:26,130 --> 00:15:28,464
don't have any children.
364
00:15:31,394 --> 00:15:33,401
- Are you going to
take Rosario's advice
365
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:36,323
and spray on some of this
love potion Numero Nueve
366
00:15:36,371 --> 00:15:38,455
and get back out there?
367
00:15:38,503 --> 00:15:40,925
- Yeah, maybe.
368
00:15:40,973 --> 00:15:42,097
I don't know.
369
00:15:42,135 --> 00:15:43,230
- What do you mean
you don't know?
370
00:15:43,269 --> 00:15:44,441
Didn't you hear Rosie?
371
00:15:44,479 --> 00:15:46,910
- I did, but did I?
372
00:15:46,948 --> 00:15:49,292
- I mean how do I know
that I wasn't just your mark
373
00:15:49,330 --> 00:15:52,049
and you weren't just telling me
what I wanted to hear.
374
00:15:52,088 --> 00:15:53,884
- How can you say that?
375
00:15:53,932 --> 00:15:55,642
Are you telling me
when you kissed me
376
00:15:55,681 --> 00:15:57,612
you didn't taste 409,
Virginia Slims,
377
00:15:57,651 --> 00:15:59,784
and a little whiff
of venison jerky?
378
00:16:00,994 --> 00:16:02,714
- Well, the mind plays tricks.
379
00:16:02,752 --> 00:16:04,673
The lightning, the thunder,
380
00:16:04,721 --> 00:16:07,565
decades of hard drinking.
381
00:16:09,401 --> 00:16:10,659
It was a perfect storm.
382
00:16:10,697 --> 00:16:13,790
- But I'm telling you,
she was here.
383
00:16:13,829 --> 00:16:15,213
- Sure, honey.
384
00:16:15,251 --> 00:16:18,978
- Well,
I am saddened by your attitude.
385
00:16:23,071 --> 00:16:25,704
- Ye of big boobs
and little faith.
386
00:16:28,086 --> 00:16:29,344
[thunder rumbling]
387
00:16:29,384 --> 00:16:30,930
[electricity crackles]
388
00:16:37,117 --> 00:16:39,087
- Okay, okay.
389
00:16:39,125 --> 00:16:41,056
Message received.
390
00:16:41,094 --> 00:16:43,266
I'll keep trying.
391
00:16:43,314 --> 00:16:46,158
- ♪ Old black magic
has me in its spell ♪
392
00:16:46,196 --> 00:16:50,462
- ♪ Old black magic
that you weave so well ♪
393
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:53,344
- ♪ Those icy fingers
up and down my spine ♪
394
00:16:53,383 --> 00:16:57,772
- ♪ The same old witch craft
when your eyes meet mine ♪
395
00:16:57,820 --> 00:17:00,914
- ♪ The same old tingle
that I feel inside ♪
396
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:04,844
- ♪ And then that elevator
starts it's ride ♪
397
00:17:04,882 --> 00:17:07,188
- ♪ Down
- ♪ Down and down I go
398
00:17:07,226 --> 00:17:08,984
- ♪ Around and around I go
399
00:17:09,023 --> 00:17:10,781
- ♪ Like a leaf
caught in the tide ♪
400
00:17:13,163 --> 00:17:13,375
.
401
00:17:13,414 --> 00:17:14,797
[piano music]
402
00:17:14,835 --> 00:17:17,977
- [sobbing]
403
00:17:22,156 --> 00:17:23,203
- Grace?
404
00:17:23,241 --> 00:17:25,749
- I'm the worst person
in the world.
405
00:17:26,335 --> 00:17:27,546
I read your letter.
406
00:17:27,594 --> 00:17:28,592
- Come on inside.
407
00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,514
- I can't go inside.
408
00:17:30,562 --> 00:17:32,897
I don't deserve to go inside.
I'm horrible.
409
00:17:32,945 --> 00:17:34,617
- Grace,
if we never let horrible people
410
00:17:34,655 --> 00:17:37,623
in our apartment,
we'd never see Karen.
411
00:17:39,170 --> 00:17:41,139
- That's true.
- Mm.
412
00:17:42,263 --> 00:17:45,281
- How did I not
read this letter?
413
00:17:45,319 --> 00:17:47,615
I mean, you went through
so much after you came out
414
00:17:47,663 --> 00:17:48,960
and I wasn't there for you.
415
00:17:48,998 --> 00:17:50,295
- We don't have
to talk about it.
416
00:17:50,333 --> 00:17:52,553
- No, we do.
I have to.
417
00:17:52,591 --> 00:17:53,927
You were tortured.
418
00:17:53,975 --> 00:17:57,319
And I never even
thought about that.
419
00:17:57,357 --> 00:17:59,615
When I got to the part
where you write,
420
00:17:59,663 --> 00:18:01,959
"Grace.
I don't want to be gay.
421
00:18:01,997 --> 00:18:04,716
I just wish I was normal."
422
00:18:04,764 --> 00:18:06,685
Oh my god will.
423
00:18:06,724 --> 00:18:08,271
That broke my heart.
424
00:18:09,654 --> 00:18:10,951
And then the part
where you said
425
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:13,795
that you were thinking
about hurting yourself?
426
00:18:13,834 --> 00:18:15,678
I mean, is that true?
427
00:18:17,099 --> 00:18:18,685
Sweetie?
428
00:18:19,435 --> 00:18:21,490
- It was a long time ago.
429
00:18:22,825 --> 00:18:24,497
- Okay, look.
430
00:18:24,535 --> 00:18:26,333
This might be 30 years
too late.
431
00:18:26,381 --> 00:18:30,261
But I just got smart
in the last hour.
432
00:18:31,184 --> 00:18:33,691
You're right.
I didn't think about your pain.
433
00:18:33,740 --> 00:18:35,450
I only thought about mine,
434
00:18:35,498 --> 00:18:38,591
because that's the way
the story of the gay guy
435
00:18:38,629 --> 00:18:41,137
and the straight girl
is always told.
436
00:18:41,176 --> 00:18:42,473
Isn't it?
437
00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:43,942
He broke her heart.
438
00:18:43,981 --> 00:18:45,739
Poor her.
439
00:18:45,778 --> 00:18:48,995
But you were
just being who you are,
440
00:18:49,043 --> 00:18:50,167
and you were scared to death
441
00:18:50,206 --> 00:18:51,753
that the world
was gonna find out
442
00:18:51,801 --> 00:18:53,761
and hate you for it.
443
00:18:55,567 --> 00:18:57,191
- Wow.
444
00:18:57,239 --> 00:18:59,198
You did get smart.
445
00:18:59,784 --> 00:19:00,995
- And you were right.
446
00:19:01,043 --> 00:19:03,964
It is why
I never say I'm sorry.
447
00:19:04,012 --> 00:19:06,519
And I have been playing
the victim.
448
00:19:06,558 --> 00:19:09,190
So...
449
00:19:09,238 --> 00:19:11,371
I am going to say it now.
450
00:19:13,168 --> 00:19:15,838
Doesn't it feel good?
451
00:19:23,197 --> 00:19:25,753
- Still haven't said it.
452
00:19:25,792 --> 00:19:26,713
- I didn't?
453
00:19:26,753 --> 00:19:29,932
Oh!
I am sorry.
454
00:19:29,970 --> 00:19:31,728
I am sorry
455
00:19:31,776 --> 00:19:33,573
for not being there with you.
456
00:19:33,612 --> 00:19:35,072
I am sorry, Will.
457
00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:38,550
I am sorry for not being there
when you needed me most.
458
00:19:38,588 --> 00:19:40,683
And I am so, so sorry
459
00:19:40,721 --> 00:19:43,814
that I never said this
to you before now.
460
00:19:43,854 --> 00:19:46,072
The fact that you are a gay man
461
00:19:46,110 --> 00:19:49,080
did not ruin my life.
462
00:19:49,128 --> 00:19:52,884
It made it so much better.
463
00:19:53,845 --> 00:19:55,775
- Mine too.
464
00:20:02,587 --> 00:20:04,259
- Did you really go to
a prostitute on Christmas?
465
00:20:04,307 --> 00:20:05,854
- I couldn't go in.
466
00:20:05,892 --> 00:20:08,688
I just went to the House
of Pies and ate my feelings.
467
00:20:08,736 --> 00:20:10,657
Really,
that was the inspiration
468
00:20:10,696 --> 00:20:12,541
for "Homo with a Pie."
469
00:20:13,251 --> 00:20:16,133
- And you're gonna write
that book one day.
470
00:20:16,181 --> 00:20:19,015
- If I dedicate it to you
will you read it?
471
00:20:19,063 --> 00:20:21,735
- If by read it you mean skip
to the parts that are about me
472
00:20:21,782 --> 00:20:23,742
I will absolutely read it.
- [laughs softly]
33088
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