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.
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[bright tones]
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00:00:04,216 --> 00:00:05,685
- "Will and Grace is recorded
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00:00:05,723 --> 00:00:07,519
in front of
a live studio audience.
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00:00:08,863 --> 00:00:10,735
- Hi, thank you for coming.
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00:00:10,783 --> 00:00:12,828
I'm Grace Adler--
I live in the building--
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and I'm running for President
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00:00:14,374 --> 00:00:16,131
of the New York Society
for Interior Designers.
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00:00:16,170 --> 00:00:18,426
I actually just redecorated
this lobby.
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00:00:18,474 --> 00:00:20,768
What's your name, again?
- Sharon Timmer.
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00:00:20,808 --> 00:00:24,322
I've lived directly below you
for 19 years.
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00:00:25,704 --> 00:00:27,116
I took you to Urgent Care
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00:00:27,164 --> 00:00:29,170
that time a spider bit
your neck.
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00:00:33,721 --> 00:00:36,150
Could you move?
I want to get my mail.
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00:00:36,189 --> 00:00:38,608
- Why'd you let me talk
for so long?
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00:00:38,656 --> 00:00:39,991
- Hi, Mrs. Timmer.
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00:00:40,030 --> 00:00:41,873
- Your wife is yappy and rude.
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00:00:41,911 --> 00:00:44,504
- That's why we never have sex.
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00:00:48,143 --> 00:00:49,641
- Where is Jack?
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00:00:49,689 --> 00:00:51,522
I bribed him
with five yoga classes
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00:00:51,570 --> 00:00:54,489
to get him to subtly blend in
and drum up votes.
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00:00:54,537 --> 00:00:56,458
[elevator dings]
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00:01:04,186 --> 00:01:06,357
- Wow!
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00:01:06,405 --> 00:01:08,488
Who redesigned the lobby
of this building
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00:01:08,526 --> 00:01:10,284
I don't live in?
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00:01:10,332 --> 00:01:11,829
Grace Adler, you say?
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00:01:11,877 --> 00:01:14,883
She sounds single and ready
to try too hard.
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00:01:16,016 --> 00:01:19,021
- I told you to dress like
a serious interior designer.
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00:01:19,060 --> 00:01:21,614
I can see the outline
of your lulu-lemons.
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00:01:22,737 --> 00:01:24,283
- You know what, Grace?
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00:01:24,331 --> 00:01:27,672
I fulfilled my rear-end
of this bargain, okay?
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00:01:27,711 --> 00:01:29,592
So I'm going to yoga class--
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00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:31,974
where they encourage us
to hold in our farts
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00:01:32,012 --> 00:01:35,276
and steer clear away
from toxic people, okay?
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00:01:35,314 --> 00:01:37,619
So nama-stay away from me.
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00:01:37,657 --> 00:01:39,577
Hi, Mrs. Timmer!
- [mouths]
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00:01:39,625 --> 00:01:42,459
[upbeat trumpet
and piano music]
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00:01:42,506 --> 00:01:49,275
♪
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00:01:52,204 --> 00:01:53,615
- Here you go.
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00:01:53,663 --> 00:01:56,006
You're welcome.
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00:01:56,044 --> 00:01:58,002
Yeah. Yeah, you.
I held the door for you.
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00:01:58,051 --> 00:01:59,347
You're supposed
to say "thank you."
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00:01:59,385 --> 00:02:01,229
It's called a social contract
when someone--
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00:02:01,267 --> 00:02:03,610
don't walk away!
Don't walk away!
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00:02:03,649 --> 00:02:06,827
I'm teaching you manners,
you frickin' Neanderthal!
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00:02:06,865 --> 00:02:08,661
- Will, Will, Will.
- Hmm?
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00:02:08,709 --> 00:02:10,043
- Twitter celebrity sighting.
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00:02:10,081 --> 00:02:12,213
The West Side Curmudgeon
is here.
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00:02:12,261 --> 00:02:13,635
- I love him!
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00:02:13,682 --> 00:02:15,603
He hates the things we hate
and Tweets about it!
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00:02:15,641 --> 00:02:18,195
- [laughs] Should I go over
and fan-girl out on him?
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00:02:18,233 --> 00:02:20,153
- Oh, I wouldn't.
- Okay, well, we're different.
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00:02:23,034 --> 00:02:25,003
I know who you are.
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00:02:25,041 --> 00:02:26,126
- Okay.
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00:02:26,174 --> 00:02:27,883
- You're the
West Side Curmudgeon.
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00:02:27,931 --> 00:02:29,975
- It's not a secret,
so you can stop talking
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00:02:30,014 --> 00:02:32,021
like a drug dealer
on a kids' show.
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00:02:32,060 --> 00:02:35,074
- [laughs]
Genius!
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00:02:35,112 --> 00:02:37,331
You're delivering!
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00:02:37,369 --> 00:02:40,211
Oh, I--I read your feed
every day.
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00:02:40,259 --> 00:02:42,179
I mean, we hate
all the same things.
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00:02:42,217 --> 00:02:44,388
TV and taxis and...
- Chatty redheads?
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00:02:44,436 --> 00:02:45,982
- Yeah, the worst.
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00:02:46,020 --> 00:02:47,902
[sighs]
I'm Grace.
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- Noah.
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So, uh, what is this?
- Oh, oh.
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00:02:50,994 --> 00:02:53,125
Well, I, um--over here.
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00:02:54,546 --> 00:02:55,928
I am running for President
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00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:58,934
of the New York Society
of Interior Designers.
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00:02:58,972 --> 00:03:01,276
And you have a ton
of followers,
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00:03:01,314 --> 00:03:03,859
and I would love a shout-out.
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00:03:03,907 --> 00:03:05,367
- What?
No, I'm not here for the--
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00:03:05,415 --> 00:03:07,710
I saw a crowd and thought
there'd be appetizers.
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00:03:07,748 --> 00:03:09,168
- I so get that.
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00:03:09,217 --> 00:03:11,013
I was technically
a Scientologist
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00:03:11,051 --> 00:03:13,221
for, like, a minute
because their welcome center
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00:03:13,269 --> 00:03:15,026
had great chicken salad.
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00:03:15,064 --> 00:03:17,570
- I--I was in AA for the donuts
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00:03:17,608 --> 00:03:20,038
but left
because of the camaraderie.
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00:03:21,795 --> 00:03:24,004
- Are we the same person?
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00:03:24,052 --> 00:03:26,558
- I don't know, did you ex-wife
pound on your door this morning
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00:03:26,596 --> 00:03:28,227
looking for money?
- [laughs]
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00:03:28,266 --> 00:03:31,147
That's who that was!
[laughing]
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00:03:31,195 --> 00:03:33,115
[weak laughter]
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00:03:34,958 --> 00:03:37,253
Just kidding.
Um, my ex is a man.
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00:03:37,292 --> 00:03:39,173
I like men.
Oh, not plural.
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00:03:39,212 --> 00:03:40,719
One at a time.
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00:03:40,758 --> 00:03:43,187
And--and with a reasonable
amount of time
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00:03:43,226 --> 00:03:44,944
between them.
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00:03:44,983 --> 00:03:47,363
But what is reasonable, really?
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00:03:47,402 --> 00:03:48,947
Oh, chatty redhead.
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00:03:48,995 --> 00:03:50,878
Just got that.
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00:03:50,916 --> 00:03:53,845
- Well, uh, see you around
the neighborhood.
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00:03:55,765 --> 00:03:57,435
Do you mind
if I keep a pamphlet?
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00:03:57,474 --> 00:03:59,020
- Of course.
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00:03:59,068 --> 00:04:00,489
Um, spoiler alert, there are
a lot of pictures inside
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00:04:00,527 --> 00:04:03,034
of me making this face.
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00:04:03,082 --> 00:04:05,337
- Can't wait.
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00:04:05,376 --> 00:04:07,882
Bye, Grace.
- Bye, Noah.
100
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:10,887
- Hey, can you hold it--
hold the door!
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00:04:10,935 --> 00:04:12,769
- [laughing]
- How'd it go?
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00:04:12,817 --> 00:04:14,402
- Oh, so good.
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00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,370
You know when someone has
a dog who hates everyone
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00:04:16,408 --> 00:04:18,165
but it just comes right up
and licks you?
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00:04:18,203 --> 00:04:20,460
It's like that, but human.
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00:04:20,498 --> 00:04:22,342
And he asked if he could keep
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00:04:22,380 --> 00:04:23,590
my pamphlet.
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00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:25,433
- Maybe he wanted
to keep your pamphlet
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00:04:25,471 --> 00:04:26,893
to mock you on Twitter.
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00:04:26,941 --> 00:04:28,276
He is
the West Side Curmudgeon.
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00:04:28,314 --> 00:04:30,109
- No, Will.
We hit it off.
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00:04:30,157 --> 00:04:32,827
He took the pamphlet
because my contact information
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00:04:32,875 --> 00:04:35,419
is on there and he probably
wants to ask me out or--
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00:04:35,457 --> 00:04:37,138
he's already mocked me
on Twitter, hasn't he?
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00:04:37,176 --> 00:04:38,885
- It's a picture
of your pamphlet that says,
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00:04:38,933 --> 00:04:41,439
"Hi, I'm Grace Adler,
and I'm running for President
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00:04:41,478 --> 00:04:43,148
of the Dumbest Thing
in New York."
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- What?
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00:04:44,358 --> 00:04:46,163
No!
Let me see!
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00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:48,371
.
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00:04:48,419 --> 00:04:51,136
[chipper piano music]
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00:04:51,175 --> 00:04:54,017
♪
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00:04:54,055 --> 00:04:56,398
- Grace, is Will here?
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00:05:04,627 --> 00:05:06,595
- I'll get him.
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00:05:07,258 --> 00:05:09,513
- [sighs]
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00:05:10,521 --> 00:05:11,981
- Hey, what's up?
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00:05:12,029 --> 00:05:14,363
- You are not going
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00:05:14,411 --> 00:05:15,447
to believe this.
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00:05:15,495 --> 00:05:18,212
I just saw my boobs
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00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:21,592
walking down Madison Avenue.
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00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:23,311
- [clears throat]
That's why the little label
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00:05:23,349 --> 00:05:25,942
on the pill bottle says,
"Do not mix with alcohol."
133
00:05:27,401 --> 00:05:29,907
- Hey, I'm serious!
I was on my way to Bergdorf
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00:05:29,955 --> 00:05:31,703
and I saw a woman coming up
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00:05:31,751 --> 00:05:34,093
out of a hole in the ground.
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00:05:34,132 --> 00:05:36,637
- The subway.
Continue.
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00:05:36,676 --> 00:05:39,854
- And I looked right
at her chest and I said,
138
00:05:39,902 --> 00:05:42,284
"Hey.
139
00:05:42,322 --> 00:05:45,077
Haven't I seen you
somewhere before?"
140
00:05:46,162 --> 00:05:48,045
And she said,
"I don't think so."
141
00:05:48,093 --> 00:05:50,425
And I said,
"I'm not talking to you.
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00:05:50,473 --> 00:05:52,855
I'm talking to yous."
143
00:05:54,775 --> 00:05:56,282
And she said, "Oh, yeah.
144
00:05:56,321 --> 00:05:57,780
"I just got 'em done.
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00:05:57,828 --> 00:06:01,707
They're called
'Karen Walkers.'"
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00:06:08,102 --> 00:06:09,311
- Wow.
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00:06:09,359 --> 00:06:12,029
I--I got a million questions
and I--
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00:06:12,077 --> 00:06:14,746
I don't want
to ask any of them.
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00:06:14,794 --> 00:06:16,081
- And then--
150
00:06:16,129 --> 00:06:18,010
and then she said,
"Oh, oh,
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00:06:18,049 --> 00:06:20,267
"you look like you got
a pair of Walkers yourself.
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00:06:20,306 --> 00:06:21,812
"Have you been to see
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00:06:21,851 --> 00:06:24,655
Doctor DiLorenzo too?"
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00:06:24,693 --> 00:06:25,989
And I said,
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00:06:26,027 --> 00:06:29,455
"How dare you insinuate
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00:06:29,503 --> 00:06:31,463
"that I would go
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00:06:31,501 --> 00:06:34,343
to an Italian doctor."
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00:06:39,777 --> 00:06:43,118
- I don't know
what you want from me.
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00:06:43,166 --> 00:06:46,172
- You're my lawyer!
Stop this guy!
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00:06:46,210 --> 00:06:47,803
- I don't practice law
anymore.
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00:06:47,842 --> 00:06:49,724
- Potato, potata.
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00:06:49,763 --> 00:06:52,442
Start focusing
on my tomatoes.
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00:06:55,696 --> 00:06:58,414
You told me that
you would have my back,
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00:06:58,462 --> 00:07:02,139
and I just assumed that that
would include my front, too.
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00:07:02,177 --> 00:07:03,934
- Okay, okay.
I'll call his office
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00:07:03,973 --> 00:07:05,979
and see if I can get him
to knock off
167
00:07:06,017 --> 00:07:08,734
knocking off your knockers.
[chuckles]
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00:07:08,783 --> 00:07:11,202
- [fake laughter]
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00:07:11,241 --> 00:07:14,755
That is such clever wordplay,
she said out of pity
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00:07:14,793 --> 00:07:17,722
as she tried
to get out of the room.
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00:07:20,901 --> 00:07:23,156
- Will!
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00:07:25,115 --> 00:07:26,325
I need to go with you and Karen
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00:07:26,373 --> 00:07:27,919
to that plastic surgeon's
office.
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00:07:27,957 --> 00:07:29,426
- How do you even know?
- I bumped into her
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00:07:29,464 --> 00:07:31,173
in the hallway and she told me
the whole story,
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00:07:31,221 --> 00:07:33,104
including your attempt
at clever wordplay.
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00:07:33,142 --> 00:07:35,149
Bless your heart.
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00:07:36,195 --> 00:07:38,778
And while we were waiting
for a tray of brownies to cool,
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00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:40,996
I told her I'm meeting
Estefan's family from Spain
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00:07:41,035 --> 00:07:43,166
in a video conference
tomorrow night.
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00:07:43,214 --> 00:07:45,172
And then we found a box
full of pictures
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00:07:45,221 --> 00:07:48,226
of Estefan's ex-boyfriends
and they're all gorgeous!
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00:07:48,264 --> 00:07:51,404
And Karen was like,
"Honey, you got a problem."
184
00:07:52,825 --> 00:07:55,369
- Seriously,
she left one minute ago.
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00:07:55,417 --> 00:07:57,712
- Will, focus!
I'm in a crisis!
186
00:08:01,803 --> 00:08:04,443
I can't FaceTime
with this face.
187
00:08:07,486 --> 00:08:09,454
- Jack, you don't need
plastic surgery
188
00:08:09,494 --> 00:08:12,335
to have a video conference
with your fiancé's family.
189
00:08:12,383 --> 00:08:14,217
- I am not talking
new cheeks and chin!
190
00:08:14,255 --> 00:08:15,513
Just shave off a couple layers.
191
00:08:15,551 --> 00:08:17,980
Get a little closer
to my skull.
192
00:08:20,065 --> 00:08:21,783
- I thought "knock off
knocking off your knockers"
193
00:08:21,822 --> 00:08:23,914
deserved more love.
[sniffs]
194
00:08:23,953 --> 00:08:26,920
Now I'm the guy
who talks to himself.
195
00:08:26,958 --> 00:08:28,888
Eh, it's okay.
196
00:08:28,926 --> 00:08:34,774
♪
197
00:08:36,569 --> 00:08:38,998
- Ha!
198
00:08:39,037 --> 00:08:41,044
I found you, Noah Broader.
199
00:08:41,092 --> 00:08:43,722
That's right.
I know your last name.
200
00:08:43,761 --> 00:08:46,056
And I also know that
you wrote one big novel
201
00:08:46,104 --> 00:08:48,610
15 years ago
that I pretended to read
202
00:08:48,648 --> 00:08:49,944
because the print
was much smaller
203
00:08:49,992 --> 00:08:51,701
than the cover suggested.
204
00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:54,755
- Congrats on your five second
Google search.
205
00:08:55,839 --> 00:08:57,212
Betty, can I get
a rice pudding?
206
00:08:57,261 --> 00:08:58,767
This crazy woman is paying.
207
00:08:58,806 --> 00:09:00,727
- Not crazy,
totally sane,
208
00:09:00,765 --> 00:09:04,115
light stalking,
not paying.
209
00:09:04,154 --> 00:09:05,613
- If you're sitting here,
you're paying.
210
00:09:05,661 --> 00:09:07,332
And a coffee.
Do you want a coffee?
211
00:09:07,370 --> 00:09:09,128
It's on you.
212
00:09:09,166 --> 00:09:11,086
- I'm not drinking coffee
with you.
213
00:09:11,135 --> 00:09:13,055
That Tweet was very mean,
214
00:09:13,093 --> 00:09:14,889
especially after the way
you flirted with me.
215
00:09:14,937 --> 00:09:16,770
- Flirted?
You mean when you talked
216
00:09:16,818 --> 00:09:18,528
and I didn't stop you?
217
00:09:18,566 --> 00:09:21,331
- And you happened to mention
your angry ex?
218
00:09:21,369 --> 00:09:23,415
Okay, I get it.
You're single.
219
00:09:25,508 --> 00:09:28,638
That's flirting.
- You don't date much, do you?
220
00:09:28,686 --> 00:09:30,482
- And I made you smile.
- No way.
221
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:33,448
I only smile when old people
and nuns fall.
222
00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:36,703
- I made a joke about my pose
223
00:09:36,751 --> 00:09:38,757
in the pamphlet, remember?
224
00:09:38,796 --> 00:09:41,177
- Yeah, and my face looked
like this.
225
00:09:43,011 --> 00:09:44,480
- Just...
226
00:09:44,519 --> 00:09:45,902
take down the Tweet, okay?
227
00:09:45,940 --> 00:09:47,822
- Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
- Seriously?
228
00:09:47,860 --> 00:09:49,454
- Seriously.
229
00:09:49,493 --> 00:09:50,999
- Great.
230
00:09:51,038 --> 00:09:52,497
Have a miserable life.
231
00:09:52,545 --> 00:09:54,168
I'm done with you.
- You're going--
232
00:09:54,216 --> 00:09:56,011
- I said I'm done!
233
00:09:56,847 --> 00:09:58,431
Front door is this way.
- That's what I was trying to--
234
00:09:58,479 --> 00:10:00,736
- Done!
235
00:10:00,774 --> 00:10:04,240
[upbeat piano music]
236
00:10:04,288 --> 00:10:05,873
- Where have you been?
237
00:10:05,911 --> 00:10:07,630
We gotta meet Karen
at that doctor's office
238
00:10:07,668 --> 00:10:09,886
- Keep your girdle on, Doreen.
239
00:10:09,924 --> 00:10:12,229
I had to pick up
my numbing cream.
240
00:10:12,267 --> 00:10:14,149
I'm supposed to put this on
an hour before
241
00:10:14,187 --> 00:10:17,241
they laser-blast my face back
to 1990-sexy.
242
00:10:32,910 --> 00:10:35,378
- Jack, don't become
one of those gay guys
243
00:10:35,416 --> 00:10:36,837
that start getting
everything done
244
00:10:36,875 --> 00:10:39,680
as soon as he turns 40.
- "One of those guys"?
245
00:10:39,718 --> 00:10:41,561
We are the only gay guys
over 40
246
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,481
who haven't at least
gotten our eyes done.
247
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,152
We're about to lose
our membership to the gym
248
00:10:45,190 --> 00:10:47,408
in William-Sonoma.
249
00:10:47,456 --> 00:10:49,204
- Larry hasn't gotten
his eyes done.
250
00:10:49,252 --> 00:10:50,836
He still looks great.
251
00:10:50,874 --> 00:10:53,092
- Larry absolutely
did his eyes.
252
00:10:53,131 --> 00:10:55,560
Joe did his eyes and neck.
253
00:10:55,598 --> 00:10:57,442
Rory's done eyes, neck, ears,
254
00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,400
nose, head, shoulders,
knees and toes,
255
00:10:59,448 --> 00:11:01,369
knees and toes.
256
00:11:02,665 --> 00:11:04,710
- You're using way too much
of that.
257
00:11:04,748 --> 00:11:06,380
- [scoffs]
Ooh, it tingles.
258
00:11:06,419 --> 00:11:08,224
- God, will you please--
259
00:11:08,262 --> 00:11:10,433
be careful,
you're getting it on your lips.
260
00:11:10,481 --> 00:11:12,477
Don't lick it off.
261
00:11:12,525 --> 00:11:13,985
- Would you relax?
262
00:11:14,023 --> 00:11:15,991
It's fine.
263
00:11:16,030 --> 00:11:18,622
[guffawing laughter]
264
00:11:18,670 --> 00:11:20,130
[slurring]
That's so--that's so weird!
265
00:11:20,168 --> 00:11:21,676
It's like...
[goofy exclamation]
266
00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:25,814
- "Overuse may cause
extreme facial numbness."
267
00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:28,733
- [slurring]
How long does it last?
268
00:11:28,781 --> 00:11:32,372
- What?
- How long does it last?
269
00:11:32,410 --> 00:11:35,301
- Oh, "how long does it last."
270
00:11:35,339 --> 00:11:37,470
Uh, four hours.
Why?
271
00:11:37,509 --> 00:11:38,892
- [barely intelligible]
I have to call Estefan
272
00:11:38,930 --> 00:11:40,984
at 7:00 tonight.
273
00:11:41,023 --> 00:11:42,655
- What?
274
00:11:42,693 --> 00:11:45,410
- I have to call Estefan
at 7:00 tonight.
275
00:11:46,457 --> 00:11:47,955
- What?
276
00:11:48,003 --> 00:11:50,720
- I have to call...
- Oh, you have to call Estefan
277
00:11:50,758 --> 00:11:51,892
at 7:00 tonight.
278
00:11:51,930 --> 00:11:54,561
Well, that's 1:00 AM in Spain.
279
00:11:54,599 --> 00:11:56,280
You're sure he didn't mean
7:00 his time?
280
00:11:56,318 --> 00:11:58,200
'Cause that's right now.
281
00:11:58,238 --> 00:12:00,206
- Oh, thi.
282
00:12:04,345 --> 00:12:05,891
Ah!
My fingers don't work!
283
00:12:05,929 --> 00:12:07,849
My fingers don't work!
284
00:12:09,693 --> 00:12:12,400
- "Contact with fingers
and other sensitive areas
285
00:12:12,448 --> 00:12:14,407
may cause
an unwanted reaction."
286
00:12:14,455 --> 00:12:16,462
That's good advice
for your love life, too.
287
00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:18,171
- Will, help me!
I gotta make the call!
288
00:12:18,209 --> 00:12:19,679
- Wait, it goes on.
289
00:12:19,717 --> 00:12:22,059
"In case of contact
with tongue,
290
00:12:22,098 --> 00:12:25,065
eating a banana may reverse
the effects."
291
00:12:25,113 --> 00:12:27,283
- Really?
292
00:12:27,322 --> 00:12:29,914
Holy crap!
I'll just eat a banana!
293
00:12:39,275 --> 00:12:41,156
[sighs]
294
00:13:07,436 --> 00:13:09,654
You thon of a bith.
295
00:13:09,692 --> 00:13:12,957
♪
296
00:13:14,455 --> 00:13:14,627
.
297
00:13:14,666 --> 00:13:17,469
[upbeat piano music]
298
00:13:17,508 --> 00:13:19,640
- Seriously,
it's just one Tweet.
299
00:13:19,678 --> 00:13:22,568
- Oh, good, you're back.
You forgot to pay.
300
00:13:22,606 --> 00:13:25,198
- Seriously, it could
really hurt my campaign.
301
00:13:25,237 --> 00:13:26,371
- Then you'd never get
to be President
302
00:13:26,409 --> 00:13:28,128
of the made-up thing.
303
00:13:28,166 --> 00:13:30,172
- It is not a made-up thing.
304
00:13:30,211 --> 00:13:32,765
It is a society dedicated
to the advancement
305
00:13:32,803 --> 00:13:34,723
of design and beautification
of New York.
306
00:13:34,771 --> 00:13:36,605
- Don't take it personally,
okay?
307
00:13:36,643 --> 00:13:39,448
I just think people like you
are ruining the city.
308
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,866
Did you know there are
now more cupcake shops
309
00:13:41,914 --> 00:13:43,711
than porno theaters
in my neighborhood?
310
00:13:43,749 --> 00:13:46,514
Who wants to live
in that world?
311
00:13:46,553 --> 00:13:47,935
- I do!
312
00:13:47,973 --> 00:13:49,394
Porn is gross,
and we are living
313
00:13:49,433 --> 00:13:52,822
in the golden age of cupcakes.
314
00:13:52,860 --> 00:13:55,290
- New York doesn't need
"beautification," okay?
315
00:13:55,328 --> 00:13:56,662
It needs uglification.
316
00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:58,756
Bring back
Lincoln Plaza Cinemas and--
317
00:13:58,794 --> 00:14:00,427
and Little Mike's.
318
00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:02,846
- I found a mouse in my soda
at Little Mike's once.
319
00:14:02,894 --> 00:14:05,352
It hadn't finished
drowning yet.
320
00:14:10,536 --> 00:14:13,090
- So you drink around it!
It's New York!
321
00:14:15,347 --> 00:14:16,845
- You know what I think?
322
00:14:16,893 --> 00:14:18,900
I think you are a miserable,
cynical person
323
00:14:18,938 --> 00:14:20,772
who finds fault with everything
324
00:14:20,820 --> 00:14:23,489
because you're alone in your
sad apartment on Amsterdam,
325
00:14:23,537 --> 00:14:25,918
and your life didn't turn out
the way you wanted it to.
326
00:14:25,957 --> 00:14:28,338
- It's almost as if
I'm a curmudgeon
327
00:14:28,376 --> 00:14:30,633
who lives on the West Side.
328
00:14:31,852 --> 00:14:34,310
And you follow me
because you're also angry
329
00:14:34,358 --> 00:14:36,067
that life didn't turn out
the way you wanted.
330
00:14:36,115 --> 00:14:37,613
- My life is terrific.
- Oh, really?
331
00:14:37,661 --> 00:14:40,167
You wanted to be divorced
and alone in your late 40s?
332
00:14:40,206 --> 00:14:43,969
- Hey!
I am in my late-mid 40s.
333
00:14:46,936 --> 00:14:48,693
And I am not alone.
334
00:14:48,731 --> 00:14:50,566
I live with my gay best friend.
335
00:14:50,614 --> 00:14:53,494
- So you have realized
your dream.
336
00:14:53,532 --> 00:14:55,165
- You know what?
You don't know
337
00:14:55,212 --> 00:14:56,586
anything about me,
338
00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:58,631
and if I was better at thinking
339
00:14:58,679 --> 00:15:00,512
of devastating things
in the moment,
340
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:03,018
I would so destroy you
right now.
341
00:15:03,066 --> 00:15:05,025
But they always come to me
ten minutes too late,
342
00:15:05,073 --> 00:15:07,282
so I am done with you.
343
00:15:07,330 --> 00:15:08,876
I know!
344
00:15:11,007 --> 00:15:13,848
There really should be
an exit right there.
345
00:15:13,887 --> 00:15:15,894
♪
346
00:15:15,933 --> 00:15:19,197
[phone keypad beeping]
347
00:15:24,756 --> 00:15:27,848
[line ringing]
348
00:15:33,110 --> 00:15:35,241
- Hello!
- [slurring]
349
00:15:35,279 --> 00:15:38,793
- Why are you wearing
so much sun block inside?
350
00:15:38,832 --> 00:15:40,839
- No, no, wait, wait, wait!
[slurring]
351
00:15:40,877 --> 00:15:42,932
- You are nervous,
but they will love you
352
00:15:42,970 --> 00:15:44,478
because I love you.
353
00:15:44,516 --> 00:15:45,812
Oh, one tiny thing.
354
00:15:45,850 --> 00:15:48,069
My father has very recently
355
00:15:48,107 --> 00:15:50,200
suffered a stroke.
356
00:15:52,121 --> 00:15:55,135
So, please,
do not call attention to it.
357
00:15:57,266 --> 00:15:59,187
Papa, Jack.
358
00:15:59,226 --> 00:16:01,943
- [slurring]
359
00:16:03,402 --> 00:16:05,034
- Jack, what are you doing?
360
00:16:05,072 --> 00:16:06,666
- [slurred]
I can't feel my face!
361
00:16:06,705 --> 00:16:08,548
I can't feel my face.
- Oh, yes,
362
00:16:08,586 --> 00:16:11,266
keep mocking my poor papa,
mister funny man.
363
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:13,349
You think you are some kind
of a John Mulaney,
364
00:16:13,388 --> 00:16:16,988
but your humor is cruel
like Daniel Tosh.
365
00:16:17,026 --> 00:16:18,323
- No, no!
366
00:16:18,361 --> 00:16:19,994
[barely intelligible]
My face is numb
367
00:16:20,032 --> 00:16:21,712
because I used too much
prescription medicine
368
00:16:21,751 --> 00:16:23,171
because I was gonna get
a cosmetic procedure
369
00:16:23,209 --> 00:16:24,803
so I can be as gorgeous
as your other boyfriend.
370
00:16:24,842 --> 00:16:26,177
- Oh!
371
00:16:26,225 --> 00:16:27,896
You can't feel your face
because you used too much
372
00:16:27,934 --> 00:16:29,480
prescription medicine
because you were going to have
373
00:16:29,518 --> 00:16:30,565
a cosmetic procedure
so you can be as gorgeous
374
00:16:30,613 --> 00:16:32,283
as my other boyfriends?
375
00:16:32,322 --> 00:16:34,290
- [slurred]
I'm so sorry, Estefan.
376
00:16:34,328 --> 00:16:35,625
- Don't you know?
377
00:16:35,663 --> 00:16:37,257
You are beautiful.
378
00:16:37,296 --> 00:16:38,927
An eternal boy.
379
00:16:38,965 --> 00:16:40,176
You're like Peter Pan,
380
00:16:40,224 --> 00:16:43,104
but you look even better
in tights.
381
00:16:43,142 --> 00:16:45,274
- [slurring] I love you.
- I love you, too.
382
00:16:45,322 --> 00:16:46,993
[kisses]
383
00:16:50,161 --> 00:16:50,373
.
384
00:16:50,411 --> 00:16:52,753
- That was Dr. DiLorenzo's
office.
385
00:16:52,801 --> 00:16:54,674
They will no longer be
using your name
386
00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:56,143
for his implants.
387
00:16:56,181 --> 00:16:58,102
They'll now be called
"Ah-oogahs."
388
00:16:58,150 --> 00:16:59,321
- Mm.
389
00:17:01,904 --> 00:17:04,372
- So I guess we won.
- Huh.
390
00:17:04,410 --> 00:17:06,589
Normally, ruining
an Italian's business
391
00:17:06,627 --> 00:17:09,258
would make my day.
392
00:17:12,686 --> 00:17:15,192
But there are still
younger women out there
393
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:17,286
wearing my best asset.
394
00:17:17,324 --> 00:17:18,744
- Oh, come on, Karen.
395
00:17:18,792 --> 00:17:20,924
You're a gorgeous woman
and as--as long
396
00:17:20,963 --> 00:17:22,883
as that contract you signed
in blood holds up
397
00:17:22,921 --> 00:17:25,178
you'll be gorgeous
for eternity.
398
00:17:25,226 --> 00:17:28,355
- If you can't trust Satan,
who can you trust?
399
00:17:31,745 --> 00:17:33,752
- Eh, getting older sucks.
400
00:17:33,791 --> 00:17:36,171
- And we're only getting older.
- Mm.
401
00:17:36,209 --> 00:17:38,514
- Every second,
closer to death.
402
00:17:38,552 --> 00:17:40,857
- [sniffs]
- And now we're closer.
403
00:17:40,895 --> 00:17:42,940
And now we're closer.
404
00:17:42,988 --> 00:17:44,448
And now...
- Okay, another--another way
405
00:17:44,486 --> 00:17:46,080
to look at it is--
406
00:17:46,119 --> 00:17:48,039
is right now,
we're the youngest
407
00:17:48,077 --> 00:17:50,842
we'll ever be,
so we might as well enjoy it.
408
00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:52,676
- Oh, that's true, honey.
409
00:17:52,724 --> 00:17:54,722
Plus, who cares
if we're getting older?
410
00:17:54,770 --> 00:17:56,354
We're both filthy ri--
411
00:17:56,402 --> 00:17:59,157
I mean, age is only a number.
412
00:18:05,091 --> 00:18:07,098
- You're an awful human being,
413
00:18:07,136 --> 00:18:09,018
and I'll always
be here for you.
414
00:18:09,056 --> 00:18:11,111
- I know that about you.
415
00:18:11,150 --> 00:18:15,538
♪
416
00:18:15,576 --> 00:18:18,590
- Okay, I thought of exactly
what I want to say to you.
417
00:18:19,676 --> 00:18:21,634
- Is it nice?
I bet it's nice.
418
00:18:21,682 --> 00:18:23,430
- You're a coward.
419
00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:24,774
You're afraid of failure,
420
00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:26,781
so you never wrote
another book again.
421
00:18:26,819 --> 00:18:28,326
You flirt with me
but then you deny it
422
00:18:28,365 --> 00:18:29,872
so you don't have
to be exposed.
423
00:18:29,910 --> 00:18:32,167
You lob little insults
at the world
424
00:18:32,206 --> 00:18:35,134
and it's all so safe.
425
00:18:35,172 --> 00:18:37,141
Look, I know you think
what I do is lame,
426
00:18:37,179 --> 00:18:38,850
but at least I try.
427
00:18:38,898 --> 00:18:40,194
I take something bad
428
00:18:40,232 --> 00:18:43,074
and I try to make it better.
429
00:18:43,113 --> 00:18:45,955
Without that--
without the possibility
430
00:18:46,003 --> 00:18:49,132
for a little joy or beauty
in your life--
431
00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:51,178
what's the point?
432
00:18:52,014 --> 00:18:53,232
- Nice monologue.
433
00:18:53,271 --> 00:18:54,443
You must have majored
in theater
434
00:18:54,481 --> 00:18:56,823
when you were at NYU.
435
00:18:57,448 --> 00:18:58,955
- Just because I memorized it
436
00:18:58,994 --> 00:19:01,125
and wrote it down
on this napkin...
437
00:19:02,585 --> 00:19:05,225
- That's toilet paper.
Where did you write this?
438
00:19:10,986 --> 00:19:14,077
- Where I find inspiration
is none of your business.
439
00:19:15,249 --> 00:19:17,467
Wait, how did you know
I went to NYU?
440
00:19:17,505 --> 00:19:19,051
- What?
You told me.
441
00:19:19,099 --> 00:19:21,268
- No, I didn't.
442
00:19:21,308 --> 00:19:23,861
You Googled me.
- [scoffs]
443
00:19:23,899 --> 00:19:27,202
I did not.
- Oh, but you did.
444
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:30,668
Let me see your search history.
445
00:19:30,707 --> 00:19:33,347
- You do not want to see
my search history.
446
00:19:35,556 --> 00:19:37,188
Fine.
Fine.
447
00:19:37,227 --> 00:19:38,734
I Googled you, all right?
448
00:19:38,773 --> 00:19:41,615
But that--that doesn't mean--
it's not because--that--
449
00:19:41,662 --> 00:19:43,036
listen.
450
00:19:43,084 --> 00:19:45,503
I had no--this--
- [mocking chatter]
451
00:19:46,463 --> 00:19:49,142
- [stammering]
- [mocking chatter]
452
00:19:50,851 --> 00:19:52,023
Wow.
453
00:19:52,061 --> 00:19:53,482
Do you need to storm out
454
00:19:53,530 --> 00:19:55,412
and gather your thoughts?
455
00:19:55,450 --> 00:19:57,543
The exit's that way.
456
00:19:59,589 --> 00:20:00,961
- Huh.
457
00:20:01,009 --> 00:20:02,843
- "Huh" what?
458
00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:05,311
- Just "huh."
459
00:20:07,529 --> 00:20:09,535
I'll take down the Tweet.
460
00:20:09,574 --> 00:20:11,244
- Thank you.
461
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,672
- You want a rice pudding?
462
00:20:20,058 --> 00:20:21,691
- Sure.
463
00:20:23,112 --> 00:20:25,666
- Might be a while.
The service is terrible.
464
00:20:26,828 --> 00:20:29,084
- I'm not in a hurry.
32650
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