All language subtitles for The Hostess Also Likes to Blow the Horn 1970

Italian International Film
Presents

ln

The Hostess Also Likes To Blow The Horn

With

And

A Coproduction
ln Collaboration With

Story and Screenplay

Music Composed and Conducted by
TANK Musical Edition

Cinematography by

Set Design, Director's Assistants,
Head Makeup Artist, Costume Designer

Production Managers

Positives by, Dubbing Performed by,
Synchronization

Executive Producer

Directed by

Lady luck...

decided to turn her back on Napoleon

The Emperor tottered

her star started to go down,
and the naked truth was revealed.

Napoleon became familiar with the other
side of the coin and consequently

that which seemed irreparably down
started to move and pick itself up.

Hurray. Hurray.
-Come on. Come on.

''Up, always up.'' This was the rallying cry.

The soldiers became even more independent.

As did the troops of the overpowered countries.

Dispersed soldiers from victorious and defeated
troops scoured the countryside for provisions,

for the canteen...
and for their beds.

ln Pomerania,

in Alsace,

Let me go. Let me down.
-I'll let your britches down, but not you.

...and also in Hungary.

Hey. lt's an actor's cart.
-Look at these costumes.

Damn thieves. My costumes.

This one looks good on me.
-Oh how cute. Great.

Let go of my stuff. Thieves. l'll teach you.
-Get Him. -ldiot. -Cut him off.

Who is he? -Get him.
-Take him to the commander.

Let me go. Let me go.
-On the bed.

Take off her petticoat.
-Release me. -Good.

So, you claim to be an actress, right?

They talk about Justine Del Ber in all the
capitals of the European Court.

By now the courts don't exist anymore.

Where are the other clowns?
-They dispersed.

We'll see them at a time when they can do
a different kind of 'clown business'.

''With my gratitude, Napoleon''
-l performed a great service.

l can imagine which service.

Let me go. Scoundrels.

Look what we found. One of Napoleon's whores.

And now we'll sell her to the Czar.
He eats 'house cats' like this for breakfast.

What did he do? -He yelled at us,
insulted us, and even called us thieves.

They were robbing me.

Hang him so they'll learn to close their mouths.
-What a shame.

Go. What's a shame? Did you like him?

Him?. l'm used to men of a different caliber.
-Like Napoleon, right?.

He certainly knew how to enjoy himself.
-ln what way?

By having a man slowly killed while he was
in bed with a woman.

Napoleon was a little perverted.

lf you only knew how exciting it can be.
-Then l want to try it too.

With that peasant there?
-Take this woman away.

You'll do it with me, like Napoleon.
-Good.

Tie him to the column.

The saber, please...

and now the pistol,

a whip, and a ripe pear.
Quickly, a ripe pear.

A little patience.

You, get out.

Now you be good and stay here until l'm
undressed. When the moment comes, l'll tell you.

Ok.

This time it will be different than the usual old soup.
-Mouth-watering.

Moan. -Huh?
-Beg.

Torment. Mercy.
-How nice. How nice.

Yes, l'm pouring out his blood.

Do the last scene from the ''Sins of the She-Devils''

l got it.
Oh god. Don't torment me so cruelly.

Oh. lt's working. l feel a little tickled.
-Now you'll see how l tickle you, treasure.

Get undressed.

Do you like it?. lt's ripe.

Hurry up, quickly.

Come.

Let it go, l want it.
-Hey. Hey. Come, come.

Follow them. And bring them back alive.

Go.

Quickly. lnto the reeds.

Where are they?. Go. Go.

They lost our trail.

lt doesn't matter anymore.
-You're crazy.

Courage. We'll wait until nightfall,
then we'll arrive in Tursa and find a Doctor.

Tursa is near, don't you remember?

That little city that you liked so much...
the people are happy, the wine is delicious,

The Panduren lnn.

ln honor of the elite corps of Panduren...

famous and untamed warriors,
like your Ferdinand...my dear.

Panduren lnn.

Those times have passed... from the time
that Baron Bierchalet came from Vienna...

to act as the imperial director.

But they can't prohibit you to laugh, to drink...
and above all, to love.

No, worse than prohibit, they've taxed it.

They taxed this?
-Yes. They taxed wine, tobacco, playing cards,

fine clothing, and even romantic pleasures.

Yes, even this.

Taxes on love?
-On every pleasure.

Luckily marital duties are not deemed pleasures.

What are they doing with the money?
-They plan to buy the county of Tursa.

lt's too little, it's way too little.

ln two months l want to put the asking price
down on the Grand Duke's table.

l will meet the three conditions for my purchase:
the money, the morals,...

and a marriage to a woman with noble blood.

Yes, and then they'll make me the Count of Tursa.

'Balthazar'. Barone of Bierchalet, and then a count.

You summoned me to the inn in private tonight,
can you tell me who you are?

Why is the inn closed?
-Because the innkeeper sent me away,

before the taxes consume him.
You won't easily find an idiot to take his place.

lt's a 'Decency Committee',
but l will not be a spy for the taxman.

lsn't the inn closed?

lt's the 'Decency Committee', or a foreigner.
-Open it.

Come.

For the love of God, open up.

Finally.

A bed, quickly. She's injured.

Upstairs.

Who are they?
-Foreigners.

l don't even know who they are.

A friend, who would like to know how
things are in these parts.

Yes, but l...
-lt would be better if you forgot me.

Thank you for your information and goodbye.
Please go. -Yes, yes.

There's a bullet in your back, call a doctor.
-There's no need. l'm a doctor.

Quickly, bring me the brandy.

Bandages.
-And where shall l find them?

Take off your shirt.

ls she ok?
-Yes.

All done.

Luckily it wasn't in too deep.

The best one.

Good. You can bandage her up.
l have an urgent call.

What about your fee doctor?
-We'll talk about that later. Goodbye.

Alarm.

The Decency Committee?. Open up quickly.
Come at once. lt's an act of fornication.

Fornication?.
Without the stamp of approval?. Where?

At the Panduren. ln the Panduren lnn.

Ferdinand?
-lt's ok, Justine.

On the first floor they're fornicating.
-l understand.

Two of them. -l must know down to
the smallest detail what they're doing

so l can decide the price of their fine.
-l will verify all of the details.

Open the door Sergeant.
-Right away.

Wine?.
-l tried itjust to be sure. lt's wine.

Hey, Sergeant. That's a piece of evidence.

The fireplace. The candle... all this while the inn is
supposed to be closed.

This is already a tax evasion.
-Come look upstairs.

There's a naked man up there. Ahhh.

Very good, caught in the act. 10 tolari in
addition to the 20 for the act of fornication.

What fornication?

Listen... -No, there's nothing to say.
Pay the 30 tolari immediately.

Sergeant, collect the fine.

l have to go up? -Yes.
-Very well.

He's not completely naked.

l won't pay a darn thing.

Damn scoundrels. l'll knock your head off if
you dare come near me. -Take him.

Good. Bring him in front of me.

ln the event a man is caught in the act
of fornication...

Hey. What do you mean fornication?

Fornication is when an unmarried man
is caught...

Stop there. This man is my husband.

Let him go, unless
you want to break the law.

Why did you come here to Tursa?
-l knew that this inn was for sale.

Yes, it's for sale. Are you innkeepers?

Of course. My mother was Goldoni's inspiration.
(1 700's Playwright of ''The lnnkeeper Woman'')

Well, you can have this lnn if you pay
100 right now.

80.

But that's the last of our savings.

100.
-80.

Very well. The inn is yours. The other 20
tolari will be credited to our excellent baron.

You gave him a credit? Not for free.

l want 50% for every month.

Moreover, your excellency, we have to collect
the taxes on wine, brandy, and tobacco.

You're forgetting the taxes for singing, for dancing,
and for telling dirty jokes.

What a wonderful thing it will be to have an inn
like that in our city again. A gold mine.

What else can we pass judgment on?
-Only the case of the washerwoman, Marika.

Come forward, you.

The accused.

The honorable Miss. Apollonia saw her in the act of
committing a gross indecency.

No, l was only taking a bath.

A bath? lt's important to know
where you were having that bath.

ln the washtub, after l finished the washing.

How was your body? -Huh?
-What were you wearing?

On my body?
-Ah... show me what you were wearing.

You were bathing like that?

So, how then?

Like this.

Yes, But l was alone.
l swear l was completely alone.

l beg you to believe me Mr. Baron.
There was no one there. l was alone in the tub.

We'll do the test. Phisicus.
The virginity test.

The lost virginity tax is 10 tolari, plus
the fine for the lie.

l only have 2 tolari.
-Don't worry.

And if your lover is a married man,
you will be whipped in the town square,

and your lover will be castrated.

Tursa. This city is a swamp of immorality.
l will drain it of all of it's vices.

No more illegitimate children, or drunks.

ls she a virgin or not?.

l'm sorry Baron, but there's nothing to do.
Her virginity is absolutely intact

A 1 tolaro fine. For this filthy act
of taking a bath.

Did the committee give you something to do?

Your excellency, l can guarantee that all of our
informers are hard at work.

Did you know that the Panduren lnn
will reopen today?

Yes, the new owners will end up the same way
as their predecessors.

So we will have to go back to drinking in secret.

Taxes on alcohol.

(Tursa Tax)

l can't resist anymore.

She's wearing undergarments.
A 1 tolaro tax for the luxury.

(Tursa Tax)

Taxes on smoking.
(Tursa Tax)

A tax on fornication.
(Tursa Tax)

So now that's the way things are in Tursa.
-lt used to be different here.

Yes, it used to be different.
When the county belonged to Trenk,

that was the way life should be.

Why did he lose it?

The Trenks are deceased.

lt's said that a grandchild joined
with the Russians to fight against Napoleon.

But, nobody here has ever seen him.

What are you thinking of?
-Of last night's foreigner.

Count? Commander...

Don't call me that anymore.
Let's not go against Napoleon

Who do we serve then? Where are we going?
-To Vienna, pinhead.

l want to see if there's a Trenk who
can get back his rights.

Let's go.
-Good.

These are all dreams. Here... this is the
only reality. The list of taxes.

The taxes on wine are higher than it's
fair to ask.

Yeah. That's why the previous innkeepers
went bankrupt.

Justine, it's better if we leave this place.

What about the 80 tolari for this inn? You
invested all of our savings in this 'good deal'.

Oh no, this is too much. A 10 tolari fine for
having touched part of Dorothy.

Which part?
-...Where you touch yourself.

Where exactly?

Go, go.
(Tursa Tax)

Let's drop it. l can't say.
lf l pronounce the word, l'll pay another tax.

Oh, yes. -Mr. Mayor, they've confiscated
the tobacco supply.

Please, Mr. Pharmacist, can l offer you
a little of mine? -Thank you.

Tobacco tax.
(Tursa Tax)

l don't smoke anymore.
lt's bad for your health.

lf that's your belief.

This is really the last straw.
They've taken off your daughter in public.

Taken off what?.

Her undergarments.
-Luxury Tax. (Tax)

Put them away. away.

We can't take this anymore.
-But what can we do?.

l know what we can do. Ferdinand, take down
the sign for the inn.

Why should l take it down?

l like the way you clean. Do you want to come to
my house and take a bath?

l would rather die of hunger than work for you.

You will certainly die, because no one
in Tursa will hire you anymore.

l will arrest you for vagrancy. Your virginity
will be worse off in prison than in my house.

Stop her. Stop her young man, get her.

Good job. She's under arrest.
-Why?

She doesn't have a job. She's a vagrant.

That's not true. She's the
chamber-maid at the inn.

You need a place where you can be free
to drink, smoke, and...

But you'll end up bankrupt.
-No, this will become a goldmine.

But with so many taxes...
-Who cares?. We never pay them.

lmpossible. How will you do it?
-Just trust me.

Who is that? -What's your name?
-Marika -Marika, the chamber-maid.

Pay attention. Firstly, our inn should have
another name, 'The lnnocent Lamb'.

At the lnnocent Lamb
(lnnocent Lamb lnn)

Quickly. The prayer has already started.

Hurry Matthew, they're waiting for you.
-l'm going.

Hello. Hi. Cheers.

You arrived to the prayer so late.
You should do a penance.

Please give me a severe one.
-You will spend one hour in the basement.

Thank you.

Sister Agnes is waiting for you.
-Remember Matthew, be an honest man.

The only thing that will happen is what happened
to your wife when she was engaged to you.

How dare you, rascal.

Down, go to hell.
-He's in paradise.

Long live 'The lnnocent Lamb'.

Finally they gave back the joy of life.

Have you thought about what will happen
if the Decency Committee comes?

Everybody knows what they should do.
-Do you think that they will come?

The inn is doing business?
-l have precise information from our confidant,

Mrs. Apollonia.
-Ah.

''The lnnocent Lamb lnn'', as it's
called now, is always full.

Ah. Good.

Always full?. And no tax money?
That's suspicious. Black market or tax evasion.

Commander, l will do an inspection immediately.
-Surprise them. Reveal them. Punish them.

And bring the money here.

ln a little while, the grand duke will arrive for the
wedding, and l must have the money to buy Tursa.

The money, here. Here. Here. Here. Here.

ln this place the innocent lambs,
do somersaults with other lambs.

And if the lambs hide, they don't think that
there's always someone who will provide.

Your penance lasted much
longer than an hour. -Pardon me.

Now who intends to do their penance?
-Me, me. -Me.

Go ahead, what are you waiting for?

Sister Dorothy?.

l wish you a happy penance, brother.

Thank you, goodbye, thank you.

ln this place innocent lambs
do somersaults with other little lambs.

Follow me.

What's going on here?
-Nothing, what should be going on?

Everything's by the book here.

The alarm.
-Quickly, the cloaks.

Cover the cups.

Turn the cushions. Quiet.

See? lt's our symbol.
-Yeah. The innocent lambs.

Men cannot come in here, get out.

What are you saying?. Do you know who l am?

Sorry. You've come to take part in our prayer?

l came here to collect the taxes.

The taxes? And what should we be paying for?

For this.
-What do you mean for this?

This is milk.
-Of course. Milk is not taxable.

Arrest every girl who is not completely intact.
Half-virgins and quarter-virgins.

Onward, inside.

Where are the whores? Oh, excuse me
honorable sisters, these are whole virgins.

Search the entire premises.
-Ok. Go, did you hear?

For the prayer.

To the right.

Alarm. Alarm.
Watch out.

What's going on?
-The Decency Committee.

Stop here.

Oomph. Excuse me.

Sergeant, test that barrel.
Yes, that one.

What do we do?
-Shh, don't be afraid.

Milk. Milk.

l can see that it's milk, you stupid sergeant.
Try that one. -Yes.

Open it.

lt's there inside.

lt's milk and cream. Milk and cream.

What's upstairs?
-The sinner's room.

We call it that because we go there to
do penance for our sins.

We'll see if that's true.
-By all means.

Damn. That idiot up there didn't hear the
trumpet.

Please come in.

What's wrong? Do you feel ill?
-There, there. -What's there?

Those two on the bed.
-There's no one there. lt's a hallucination.

One of the devil's temptations.
Say ''go back Satan'' three times.

Why?

lf not, you will be damned, say it.

Go back Satan. Go back Satan.
Go back Satan.

Oh thank god.
-Why? What happened?

Did you drink an elixir?
-Elixir? What elixir?

The one that allows the devil to show us our
secret desires as if they were reality.

That's not true. Liar. l saw two people
making love on that bed... oh.

You saw a bed with people making love?
-Yes.

So this is your desire. Shame on you.
l should report you to the Baron.

Oh no, l didn't see anything.

Why didn't you hear the trumpet?
-We were talking and...

Ah, l would have liked to hear this discussion.

Mr. Secretary, come and see.
This fireplace seems suspect.

What is it? -The exhaust fan could be
an escape. l know the tricks of the trade.

Of course. l'll go inspect it.

Ah. l'm suffocating. l'm suffocating.
l'm dying. l'm dying.

The Decency Committee is rather dirty.

Justine, you won. -l'm not Justine.
-Well, then l won too.

l heard everything right from the horse's mouth.
The County of Tursa...

is Grand Duke Celestino's responsibility, Sir.

Where can l find him?
-ln Chambron.

As of now, Duke Celestino has not awoken.

You can find him in the afternoon at Belvedere,
while he is playing tarot cards.

Today his excellency is having a lucky game,
therefore we can't disturb him.

l only want to...
-l can't, believe me, l can't.

But, after his coffee, you can meet him
at the mass in San Carlo church.

Yes, but his excellency has decided to confess.
This could last a while because of his lifestyle.

l heard that Fanny, the Prima Ballerina, is the
Duke's true love.

Careful...

Please give these to Fanny with
his respect. Thank You.

Excuse me, l'll do it. Thank you.
-Thank you.

l will come tonight, like usual. Kisses.
-Kisses.

Miss, allow me.

l must say that you're quite a piece of work.
-lt's not my fault. That's the way my family is.

l don't even know what to call you.
-Call me 'love' and l will respond.

Yoo-hoo, Treasure?

Oh. lt's the Grand Duke. Why didn't
you tell me he was coming?

Come Zacker. Leave it there.

Treasure, where are you?
-ln bed.

Ah good. Then, we'll eat after. Zacker?
Come. Undress. -Undress.

Me, you idiot.
-Excuse me, your Excellency.

You can't...
-Shhh.

Thank you Zacker. l can do the rest alone.
-l wish you all the best.

Treasure? What are you doing here?
-l'll let you guess.

Scoundrel, dirty pig. Zacker,
remember him for me.
-Of course.

You're wrong. l only want to talk
to the Grand Duke.

lt's me, speak.

Valeriano, Count of Trenk.

Nonsense. All the Counts of Trenk are...

What are they? -Deceased.
-Yeah, deceased.

On the contrary. And for this l'm asking to
regain what belongs to the Trenks: Tursa.

Ah, my dear boy, but... Zacker? What did l promise
to that war supplier, do you remember?

l remember. Rauss, aka Bierchalet.
-Ah, the brewer. Ancient nobility.

He will have Tursa if he becomes more noble
by... what?

Marrying.
-Ah, marrying a...

l'll just say it. A countess, Angelica Pagnani,
in about a month.

This is the condition. -And if he pays a million
tolari, if not he can't have Tursa.

So he won't have it.
-Why not?

Because in a month he won't have
the bride or the million tolari.

How do you know that?

Because l will rob him of both, your excellency.

Treasure.
Please allow me to dismiss myself.

lf you don't pay your taxes,
l will close your inn.

At The lnnocent Lamb, there is nothing to
drink and we don't do anything taxable.

What about that couple making love?

lt was your secretary's hallucination.

He drank a special elixir, that makes people's
secret desires seem real.

An elixir? l would like to see it.

Do you believe that you are safe from secret desires?
-l don't have secret desires.

So then. Either bring me 10 tolari a day,
or l will shut you down.

But your excellency...
-Silence.

And find me 4 chamber-maids for my wife.
Pure ones, no whores, only virgins.

They will all be honorable girls.
Just as you desire.

Whether you believe it or not, l don't have
carnal desires..

Then, when will you give me a way to surprise
that washer-woman hussy?

l will become a real agent?
-You will become the head confidant with a fixed salary.

Good.
-l will tell you how to trap her.

Early in the morning, she goes with her boss
to get milk from the countryside.

Ooh. Go.

Finally.

No. Let go of me. Let go.
-Cover this little chick.

This will cost you, dear. lt's adultery.

lt is proclaimed that tomorrow at 10 in the
castle courtyard, the sinner Marika Gabor,

will be put in a pillory completely nude
and she will be whipped.

The adulterer will be castrated.
The entire population is obligated to watch.

There's only one way to save Marika and
Ferdinando tomorrow.

To get the Baron's pardon.

That monster won't sign it.
-He's a man too.

And if we manage to get his brain in his pants,
he'll sign it.

lt won't be an easy thing to do.
-Leave it to me.

l need the help of 4 of you, equipped with courage
and determination.

l'm ready for anything, to succeed.
-Me too. -Me too. -Me too.

Calm down, l only need 4.

They must be determined even to
the most extreme sacrifice.

Do you think he'll ask it?

This must be our victory:
to get him to ask for it.

None of you want to go to the castle anymore?
Think of poor Marika.

l will come. -Me too.
-Me too.-Me too. -Me too.

Has the cane been put in vinegar?
-Of course. lt's more acidic than an old spinster.

How else should it be? The acid makes the
punishment last longer.

Sergeant, what about the Baron's wife?
-No, he's a bachelor, but...

lt's a state secret that l can't talk about.

What's the state secret?
-That our chief's confidant is a tattler.

What are you preparing for now?
-To whip the sinner.

What are you going to do to the man? -Him?
We'll turn him off women. Put him off his desires.

lf he was a raging bull before...
he'll be a gentle steer after.

No you can't. You can't do this to me.

Those who commit adultery, will be castrated.

You have to believe me. l'm not married.

Liar. Your wife declared it when
you arrived in Tursa.

That was just a lie, to save me.
-Stop it. Just a cut. Snip.

Doctor, are you sure that the elixir
will have the desired effect?

Yes. l increased the strength by 100.
-What does that mean?

So that when the Baron drinks it,
he'll have the power of 100 Casanovas.

That's it.

When he's lost his head,
he will sign the pardon.

l will bring him the paper. You go the
balcony and make the announcement.

Then, you must free those two before he
returns to himself.

Everything's all ready.

Justice will be served. Proceed.
-We'll see about that.

Stop him. Arrest him.

Arrest him.

Don't be stupid, l'll save you.
-Good.

Now you will pay for this too.
-Count this one too.

Go.

Ah, did you come to tell me that
you're not married too?

No, just your chamber-maids, your excellency.
-You are not asking for a pardon?

No. lt would be useless, given that you are
not capable of being with a woman.

you will not award a pardon to a man,
who knows how to enjoy himself with women.

Why do you think that l'm...
-Of course. Your excellency is very chaste.

For the simple reason that your excellency,
does not excel anymore. -Me?.

What nonsense. l could do you all in a row,
like this... if l wanted to.

Ah, like the fable, 'The Fox and the Grapes'.
-l know how to control myself.

What about your most secret desires?

l could drink your elixir without even
moving a finger.

Drink it then. You'll see that something
will move. lt might not be your finger...

Let's go.

When the mayor comes out on the balcony
with the pardon.

l know everything. We'll go and take
Marika and Fedinando to the tower.

What could Dorothy be doing in the castle?

l don't feel anything.
Or see anything.

Then l will bow to your purity. lf you were any
other man you would have become a pig by now,

and you would think that you saw
nude chamber-maids.

Do you feel well?

Would you like a little cold water?
-(Sputtering)

l'm overcome with a certain emotion,
in front of the portrait of my fiancée.

Quickly. Quickly.
lf not, she'll get cold.

Do l really have to draw meridians
on this beautiful map of the world?.

At least she won't see me.
Even l won't see very well.

l don't see anything...
Hey. Where are you?.

ls there something wrong your excellency?

Oh, the apron string.

Of course. lt's tied better now.

lt seems to me that you're sweating.

Oh yes? That elixir was a little strong.

lt hasn't had any other effect.

lt will be better if you relax a little.
Maybe lie down in bed. Go away you.

No, no, no. Leave them. For me, it's like
they aren't even here.

Then go help the Baron undress. Unfasten his
buttons. Can't you see he's breathing poorly?

Are you better now?

l'm doing well. Very well.

Let's hope it all works.
-l don't hear them anymore.

That's a good sign.
-Not a thing.

Baron, your resistance is really exceptional.

l feel the need to kneel before you.

What's that?
-The employment agreement for the maids.

Excellency. lt's time for the execution.

Oh no, excellency. Oh no...
-Let go of me. Let go.

lt was a trap. You wanted me to sign
the pardon.

Arrest them. And close them in the room.

Yes.

Get dressed now.
We will have time to cry later.

Don't you think that this should be the time
when the mayor appears on the balcony?

(Sputtering)

Whip her. She deserves it.

...help me Baron.

Free her. Send me the executioner.

Under the straw.

Well then, you will be the prisoner.

l can assure you that it's not really my fault,
but l must castrate you. -l don't want that.

Help. lt's an injustice. Free me.

l beg you doctor. Once it's cut,
you'll never be able to stitch it up again.

Yes, that's true, but it's the law.

You are...
-Of course it's me. Untie me. Untie me.

You'll see what will happen. Go.
Behind the screen.

l'll take away everyone's desire to laugh
in this city. l'll tax laughter and smiling.

My fiancée shouldn't give her hand to a man
who could be cut down by his subjects.

Arrange the new tax. Do it immediately.

You awful incapable idiot, take off that thing
on your face when you talk to me.

The executioner is sorry.

Where is he?
-Where he deserves to be.

Who are you?
-Valeriano, Baron of Trenk.

The only legitimate heir to the County of Tursa.

You made that up. And even if it were true,
l'm to be the Count of Tursa.

l'm here to lift that illusion.
You won't be able to fulfill the conditions.

You don't know who l am.
-You are a brewer.

And you won't get married,
or be able to pay.

Oh? l would like to know why?

Sure. l will take them both away.
The bride... and the money.

Like that girl you wanted to beat.

And regarding the keepers of that inn, if something
happens to them, the same will happen to you.

Gentlemen.
-Arrest him. Arrest him. Arrest him. Arrest him.

Come on. Arrest him. Go.

Thank you... but that's him.

Sergeant. Follow him. Get him.
-Who, him? -Yes. The first one? -Yes.

Surrender.

Follow him.

Hands up, against the wall.
Don't be afraid.

What else can it be? He was scared and
he escaped. He's a coward.

Close them up in the tower. When
l've caught Trenk, then you'll see.

Excellency, he escaped.
-What an imbecile.

Don't laugh. Your cock of the walk
will become a capon: snip, snip, snip.

lt's better if you leave things alone if you
want to keep your manhood.

lt seems like the Count of Trenk
is a man of his word.

And... that there wouldn't be much
to cut off with you.

ls that what you want?
Krispin will think of a way to get rid of him.

Not that. l don't want to have
anything to do with that devil.

Take these women away.

That's too bad... l could have helped you.
-Halt.

Help with what?

To protect your fiancée.
-How?

Substitute me for her during the trip. They'll kidnap
me instead, and she'll arrive safe and sound.

Not bad.
-l just need a wig, but...

l just have one condition.
-What?

That all of the prisoners are released.
-Yes, yes, yes.

Your husband will be held hostage. l'll free him after
the wedding. lf l don't get married, l'll hang him.

lt's a deal.

On your honor?
-On my honor. Hurry up, time is of the essence.

Excellency, it's an act of folly.
l never would have let her go.

You don't get it. lt's a coup. She can't do anything
against me, or she loses her husband.

lt's the guarantee for my wedding, see?

Besides, she'll unknowingly
lead us to Trenk.

To secretly watch that rat.

Do you really think they'll kidnap us?
-Just me, Countess.

lt seems like you wouldn't mind.

Count Trenk is the type of man l'd dream of,
lf l dreamt of being kidnapped.

Justine, are you in love?
-l don't think so, or maybe l'm not sure.

What's important is that you arrive
in Tursa safe and sound.

l'm so worried about meeting this
Mr. Bier Chalet.

That monster managed to ruin my father.
He holds all of his debt.

l have to save him from bankruptcy,
but this price is too high.

Contessa, you have to marry
the Baron, if not...

lt's Trenk.

Damn.

Don't resist.
Or everyone will die.

Don't shoot.

Neil.

Countess... come.

Goodbye my dear.
-Goodbye Countess.

Get up.

What cowards. 2 against 5.

Countess.

l must say that was a strange welcome,
Baron Bierchalet.

Yes, l offer you all of my apologies.

Also for not being the Baron.
l kidnapped you. -Oh. Kidnapped. Oh.

lt's better that you know at once that
my father is in no condition to pay a ransom.

l don't want money.

lt seems like you might need it.
Your palace is almost in ruins.

For several reasons that l will explain to you.
Sit.

A Pagnani never sits with someone without
knowing at least their name.

Excuse me. Valeriano, Count of Trenk.

Of course the Countess comes from noble blood.
Others would have cried rivers,

but she... she halts.
Without batting an eyelash.

Ok, but at a certain point,
we're all the same.

Yes, of course. For example at this...

Don't be so hard.
-l wasn't.

l would say you liked it.

l don't see what this competition between you
and my fiancée has to do with me.

We'll talk about it again later.
May l ask you to sit?

Thank you, Neil.

What are your intentions with me?
-Right now, only to share my food with you.

And after? What's that?
-My modest bed.

And this?
-A welcome drink. To your health Countess.

No thank you. l don't drink wine.
A little goes right to my head.

No, my wine is as harmless as water.

The water's good.

Count, don't you like water?
-Very much. l love it.

lf that's so, let's drink.
-Yes, of course.

This burgundy really goes straight to my head.
Down, down, the throat all the way to the knee.

And the poor Countess who
never drinks a drop.

She's not such a poor girl that Countess.
lf l was a woman, l'd prefer to go to bed with Trenk,

and not with that Bie.. Bie...brewer.
-That's true. Cheers.

Cheers and may they be blessed
with male children.

Why are they ringing now? They should have
been in bed by now. l'm coming, l'm coming.

l think that the Count wants to go rest.

A Pagnani doesn't stand for a drunk.
-l'm not drunk... -Yeah, yeah...

Let's go...
-Oh God.

...but... this is better.

He went to hide in the ruins of a monastery.
l don't know how many men are with him.

Even if there were 100, we'd take him.

Excellency, with these shabby men we find...

You've never heard of the
Panduren Military Corps?

Your excellency, the leaders of Panduren.

lf we had known that you wanted us to
march against a Trenk, we wouldn't have come.

The name Trenk is sacred for Pandurens.

l'm not asking you for that. l'm only asking
you to capture a man who's impersonating Trenk.

A bandit who's soiling the Trenk name,
and the flag of your glorious military corps.

Where is this scoundrel? -ln the Saint Urban
Monastery, but don't act against your will.

Now this is our problem.
-We'll bring him to you, dead or alive.

Things are looking up.

Don't worry about the Countess,
she'll sleep like a groundhog.

l believe it. lf she drank as much as
you, she'll be done in.

She drank twice as much.
She's a really strong woman.

Ah. This water is so cold.

But not as cold as the shoulder
the countess gave you last night.

No, it's better this way,
in fact l'm happy about it.

Ah, l see. You don't fancy her?
-Huh?.

On the contrary you idiot.
She's a lady.

Even ladies are able to put themselves
on a mattress with a man on top of them.

Hey. Enough. l prohibit you from talking like
that. lt's an order. -Yes.

The Countess is not like the others.
There's no comparison.

Oh, that's it. Count, this has never
happened to you.

What?
-You've never really fallen in love like this.

There. So you'll shut your trap.
Now let's go into the city.

l'm curious to see what's happening. Come.

Quick.

Miss, has the Countess awoken?
-She's still sleeping.

Good morning.
-Good morning.

Countess, l have to beg your
forgiveness for last night.

Not at all, Count. l was also a little
tipsy when you retired.

Did you sleep well?
-Oh, very well, thanks.

But, not as well as you would have liked.

Of course... what are you alluding to?

To what should l be alluding?

Last night you didn't have a chance
to talk about the intentions you have
with regards to me.

Countess, l'm sorry to displease you, but l'm
going to prevent you from marrying Bierchalet.

Who says that's a displeasure?

Ah. Then you should show your gratitude.

Yes, of course. l am very grateful Count.

With that, you are only a little grateful.

However, like this you are
very grateful.

Mr. Baron. l discovered the secret
of The lnnocent Lamb.

They are not drinking milk...
it's pure wine.

And the top floor is... a brothel.
A pit of sin. A place of damnation.

Wonderful. Fantastic.
Finally we can get back at those innkeepers.

But... you've given your word.
-With respect to the hanging, not the castration.

You deserve a reward.
You can oversee the castration.

Do you know what they're doing to me now?
Do you know exactly?

l know that they're doing what's right.

They are doing you a great injustice.
-To me?

Yes, to you. They're notjust taking away
from me, but from you to. From both of us.

The thing that is missing from your life.
-Missing? What? From me?

Dear Apollonia, l have to confess a secret.
When l saw you at the pillory... in the nude.

l knew that woman was you.
That up until now l'd been dreaming in vain.

You shouldn't say these things.
-So that's why l don't want this to happen
to me now.

l will never be able to hold this body that
appears in my most beautiful dreams. My love.

l feel that l could make love to you like
no one else in the world could.

Yes. Will you let them take this away from me,
but also from you?

What can l do? -Fake the operation.
l'll play the part of the eunuch. Then we'll be happy.

Oh my love. Treasure. My one and only.

Here. Be careful.

Go now.
-You can help me.

l'm very sorry, but l've never performed
a castration. So therefore...

You won't do it, if you know how to keep quiet.
He wants to marry me so we'll fake it. Got it?

l see. We'll just pretend. So then everything
will stay in it's place.

Finally. He got what he needs.
-Yes but, he doesn't have what he needs anymore.

What are you thinking, Valeriano?

lt's strange, Angelica. l feel as if l
could leave everything, Tursa, the county...

and run away with you. To wherever.

You can't do that. You must save
Tursa from that horrible Baron.

What does the Baron have to do with us?
l would be happy with you anywhere.

Countess Trenk.

Please be quiet Valeriano.

lt's the truth. l swear to you, that l feel
for the first time, able to walk down the aisle.

Countess Pagnani and Count Trenk.

No. No, it's not possible.

Why?
-You have to understand, l...

You're the most beautiful woman
l have ever met.

Ah yes, the injury.

How did it happen?

l will tell you everything another time.
l can't now.

Hide, quickly.

Come out of your hole and surrender,
you coward.

Who are you talking to,
you filthy mouse-hunters?

To the rogue who's assumed the name Trenk.

l don't know who that would be.
The real Trenk is in front of you.

Yeah. Any scoundrel can say
that he's the real Trenk.

One more insult, and it'll be
the last you ever say.

Friends, he is not a Trenk.

A Trenk wouldn't talk so much.
He would blow the whip out of my hand.

Everyone's good with a pistol. But Trenk is
excellent with a saber. -Very well.

En garde, Pandurens.

Yes, he's really a Trenk.
-Hurray. Hurray.

Hurray. Hurray. Hurray.

(Singing)

Give me the report.

lt's not my fault your excellency. There were
at least 10 assailants. And 20 of them were on me.

lf there hadn't been 30 of us,
we wouldn't have saved her life. Wow.

Did they kidnap the Countess?
-l didn't kidnap anyone. l fought like a lion.

The chamber-maid can attest to that.
But what could l do against 100 assailants?.

Spread the word about the kidnapping.
Tell the maid that l'd like to speak with her.

That will cost you your neck. The Baron won't
forgive you for letting the Countess get kidnapped.

Don't hang me, l beg you.
-Now take those bags away.

lf l knew this before,
l would have stayed in Venice.

lndeed, to go to see your father
in the Piombi prison.

Even if you managed to somehow get all
of my father's promissory notes,

that doesn't mean you can take his daughter.
-Let's not think about that.

Let's think about getting better acquainted.

No. No. No.

We'll see, we'll see. Everything will go as planned.

This will never be.

ldiot.

l told the baron that l defended you like
a lion, but he wants to hang me.

A lion hung up in the gallows.

The only thing you can do to save yourself
is to find the Countess.

How can l find her? l don't know where she is.

l'll help you. We'll go in secret. Nobody can
know a thing. We'll track down Trenk.

lt's said that he's hiding in the
Saint Urban Monastery.

Then what are we doing here?. Quickly. Go.
-Yes, yes.

l will destroy him. l'll annihilate that coward.

Shh. Quiet.

The Grand Duke Celestino...
-Damn.

He's already here? -No, a message to
announce that he'll arrive tonight.

The countess doesn't want to marry me.
She will marry me.

Get the doctor and that eunuch, Ferdinand.

Trenk has stolen the bride from him.
-He'll start to be less cocky now.

He deserved it of course.
-Trenk will be sure to keep her warm.

The Baron is furious because
his bride was stolen.

Tomorrow we'll steal his money too.
-Of course, of course.

lf they don't find us first...

Don't laugh, the sergeant is looking for you
with the countess' chamber-maid.

They don't scare me.
Not her, or the sergeant.

Come, let's celebrate.

To Baron Brewer's wedding.

Justine. You were the one here?
-l have to escape, please don't betray me.

From who? -From Trenk and maybe
from myself. The real Countess is coming.

The real Countess? l don't understand.

Unfortunately, l was fooling the Count.
l'll explain later.

Ferdinand will be hung if the wedding
doesn't happen.

What are you going to do?
-l still don't know. Something will come to me.

Please, not a word of this to Count Trenk.

Sure. Good luck, Justine.
-Thanks. l'll really need it, Marika.

When the Grand Duke arrives, then we'll
have the wedding. Understand?

Phisicus?
-Yes?

Spare no effort in making the
Countess fall in love with me.

Excellency, what should l do?
-Ahh..

There must be certain medicines, pills... elixirs,
than can awaken certain desires.

You, if you like your life, do everything you can
to get the Countess to marry me.

What should l do...

What should l do, Mr. Baron?

Everything. Everything...
Everything that you can.

l can do very little...
but l'll do my best, excellency.

Don't forget, if the wedding does not take place,
tomorrow, you will be hung.

Yes, but this... -And l have to do everything l can.
-l didn't mean to say that l would...

There's only one way to convince a woman
to do something.

What if they suspect you?
-Suspect me? l'm a eunuch.

Countess. My fate lies in your hands.

You hold the power to give me
life or death, but...

l already feel something that tells me that l
can have hope. -Ferdinand.

Justine.
-Thank God you're alright.

Yes, but, where's the Countess?
-She escaped.

The Grand Duke is coming.

l'll marry the Baron in her place.
-Are you crazy?. Let's run Justine.

With the chains on your feet?

You go alone.
-l'd never abandoned you, under no circumstance.

lt doesn't make sense Justine. l'll be hung when
the deception is discovered.

Do you want to be hung too?

l didn't think of that. Ferdinand. We've already
put another woman in someone's bed.

We did it to the Governor of Gissen.

Apollonia. -Yes. - After what l said, she'll be
anxious to have her reward for saving me.

We need to convince her that l will
be here tonight with her.

He can do it. l'll think of the rest.

You could at least congratulate me
on my wedding, Ferdinand.

Now we have the highest honor..

to accompany to the altar, the Countess Pagnani
and Mr. Balthazar, Baron of Bierchalet, Count of Tursa.

We shouldn't call him the Count of Tursa yet.
-Why?

Because the money has not been exchanged.
Plus we haven't evaluated his morals.

Sorry, Zacker is a little strict.
But he does have a point.

Excellency, l beg you.

Certainly Countess. We'll accept the title.
Countess Pagnani and the Count of...

Tursa.
-...Tursa

Don't say a single word.
lf they knew, you'd end up in the pillory.

l won't betray you doctor...

l'd be in worse trouble than you if they found out.
-My Ferdinand.

Because l didn't operate on your Ferdinand.
Carry on. Goodbye.

Everything's set.
-Thanks.

May God help you. Good Luck.

Here you are Baron. lt's very strong.
-Thank you.

Countess, now you will hear the sound
of a magical flute.

Here are your father's debts. You can have
them after you earn them.

You'll really have to earn them.

You'll see. One on one.

Don't touch me. Or l will become a widow
before l become a wife.

No you can't.
l have the right to my wedding night.

Put it down my dear. Every woman has
secret desires. You'll see.

Drink a little of this and you'll see
that it will calm your nerves.

Drink.

Balthazar. How could l have refused you,
my beloved husband.

l'm burning with the desire to be yours.
You knew how to reawaken my senses.

Have a little patience. l want to look
beautiful. l'll wait for you in bed.

Yes.
-No lights, l'm ashamed.

Come.

My sweet goddess. l've been waiting for this
reward for so long. -Not as long as me...

Show me your lovely body, that has given me
such unforgettable elation. -Yes.

My love. My one and only love.

Arrest her. -Go. Go.
You robbed me of my innocence... thief, thief.

Sergeant. Krispin. Guards.
Get her.

lt's the innkeeper. -lt's Justine.
There will be two in the gallows tomorrow.

Close her up in the tower, quickly.
-Go.

There. Trenk is down there.
With his jailbirds.

Are you sure? Go ahead then.
-Me go? That's suicide.

Please miss, please. At least give me a hand.
-Coward.

Me a coward? You'll see. l'll die with a sword
in my hand, if l manage to take them out.

l'd like to see who tries to attack us.

Two of you? That's unfair. Good evening men.
lsn't the weather nice tonight?

Stop it scoundrel. -Come down.
-Don't be rude. Help. Help.

Let him go. l'm Countess Pagnani.

Sir, Countess Pagnani is outside.
She just got here. -Thanks.

l knew that you would turn up.

Who are you?
-l'm Countess Pagnani.

No. l remember you.
You're the chamber-maid.

lt's useless to continue with this drama, Count.
The woman you kidnapped is Justine Del Ber,

an actress and the owner of Tursa's tavern.

Wait a minute. The tavern in Tursa.
The wound on her left shoulder. Neil.

Count.

Do you remember that woman with the bullet
in her shoulder at the Panduren lnn in Tursa?

What color hair did she have?
-Reddish blonde, l think.

She was wearing a wig to look like me,
and she was kidnapped instead of me.

Why? l don't understand.
-Bierchalet had her friend Ferdinando.

That asshole promised to let him go only
if l became his wife.

l see. An actress. A good performance.

l'm convinced that what you are thinking at
this moment is not true.

l have proof that Justine let herself be kidnapped
with great pleasure. With immense pleasure.

Yes, but now l...

Count, a messenger has confirmed that the
Countess Pagnani and the Baron Bierchalet

were married today in front of the Grand Duke.

l have to tell the truth. Justine told me that
she would do anything to save Ferdinand.

When Bierchalet realizes the deception,
Justine will be lost.

Well, Let's go to Tursa.
-To Tursa.

l told you to leave alone.

You know, l thought ''l lived a long time
with this man''. -You, lived with me?

What about all the others?
-Don't you think about all of your women?

Now l only think of one.
-Dear, faithful Ferdinand.

l think of Marika.
-Oh yes?.

Of her, yes. l'd like to finally have a
normal and simple life.

Who will you serve in the tavern now?

l'm sick of going around the world
in a wagon just to perform.

Since l'm not lucky enough to marry a nobleman...

Who married a nobleman?

You.

The other times l knew that it was only
an adventure without consequences.

But this time it's serious.
-That's true.

You won't have any consequences. Look,
the owner of an inn and a Count...

No. That only happens in plays
and fairytales.

Life is not a fairytale, nor is it a play.

Don't say that.

Well then, wait and see.

Dear.

We found the fake Trenk.

Ah. That's good news for his excellency
the Grand Duke Celestino. Bring him in.

Handcuffs. l was hoping that there
actually was a real Trenk.

Certainly things would be different, instead...

A man who's on his honeymoon,
doesn't have to be told to have a 'good day'.

How is your lovely wife?

Very good, all things considered...

What? She's already expecting?
Congratulations.

Then it doesn't matter anymore if the heir of
Tursa breaks things up.

What a mastermind. We still haven't received
the million tolari from the heir.

A formality, excellency.

Sir, the Pandurens have captured Trenk.
-Good.

Good news, Baron?

A triumph ofjustice excellency.

A wretched criminal has been arrested.
Prepare another gallows. -Good.

What? Sentenced without a trial?.

lf your excellency would allow me to invite
him to the trial.

Thank you. Be aware that our Zacker is
a very competent... agent?

Attorney.
-Attorney, as a matter of fact, in criminal law.

Welcome excellency, to my castle.
-Look, look, so the castle is yours?

That's the criminal.
-What are you saying?. That's the Count of Trenk.

l want to tell Fanny about this. How she'll laugh.
-We must have a trial.

True. Please excellency, take a seat. We'll have
a trial and see who's wrong and who's right.

The Baron is charged with the
illegal possession of the county of Tursa.

That's unbelievable, the county is mine.
-Zacker, you can be the attorney.

As of yet, the legally set asking price
has not been paid.

Krispin, get the money.
-Very well.

Come in.

Excellency, the asking price is inside here.

He's worth a million? l wouldn't say so
at first glance.

Sergeant, what are you doing in there?
-l'm following the thieves.

Where's the money? He's robbed me.

l beg your pardon? l gave it back
to those who were robbed.

l must add... Zacker,
what must l add?

That also the morals in Tursa
have not improved.

l'll tighten up the morality laws.
l'll make new taxes.

You will not do anything because
you didn't fulfill anything.

l married Countess Pagnani.

The witness: Angelica, the Countess Pagnani.

So you married me?. Strange, that's generally
something that a woman would notice.

Of course, l'm married, in her absence.
Excellency, l signed the certificate.

The Countess Pagnani, and the Count of Tursa.

However, the Count of Tursa appears to be Trenk.

Which invalidates the wedding.

And from now on no one in Tursa will
be forced to get married.

Not for any reason.
-Thank you very much, sir.

My heart belongs in Venice. l'm already committed
to the Marquis of Rippafredda.

l only came here to save my father.

lt would be an honor to bring you back to Venice.
-Thank you, sir.

First l would like to know where my father's
promissory notes are.

They were burned.

By who? -The innkeeper
who passed herself off as the Countess.

That's good. Where is she now?

l won't tell you.

Tell me, or l will kill you right here.

lf you kill me, you'll never know where
she is. l'm the only one who knows.

That's Trenk's men. Now we'll be saved.
-Only if they find us.

Valeriano will surely look for me.
-Let's hope there are no surprises.

Listen, that's Justine.

Where's it coming from?
-From up there, from the tower.

Come.

Therefore, the Baron Bierchalet, is guilty of
not having, not having...?

Fulfilled the conditions established for
the purchase of the county. -Right.

Now you can go.
-Not yet.

Only after they do to you what
you've done to the innkeeper.

l swear to you myself.

lt wasn't me... it was him.
-Ah, good, both of you. -Me?

You can't allow this. l beg you.
-Where's Justine?

She's shut up in the tower, but...

Finally... now get lost.

Zacker, bring me this mysterious innkeeper,
so that l can start to...

lnterest her.
-Right.

Thank goodness that you heard the trumpet.
-When l heard it... -Justine, Tursa thanks you.

Here, with me. lnside.

Where did you go?. Onward.

l thank you for what you did,
also for my family's reputation. Your excellency.

My dear Trenk, now there's no doubt that you're
the Count of Tursa... where did my Zacker go?

Just a moment, your excellency. l'm afraid that
l'm in no position to fulfill the conditions

for the ownership of the county.

What are you saying?
- l mean that l can't marry a noblewoman.

ln fact, l'll marry an actress, an innkeeper.

l can assure you that l have nothing against
actresses or innkeepers.

The conditions were made by the Emperor himself,
and unfortunately, they're obligatory.

Then to hell with the county.

Trenk, when you're in love it's easy to say
to hell with Tursa, to hell with the court,

to hell with a high commander, the regiment,
even an ambassador's post.

ln short, everything that young
nobleman could have.

l couldn't care less.

Fine. Everyone can choose what they care about.

There's another consideration, Tursa needs
to be governed by a young, strong man like you.

l want nothing to do with all of this.

l only want that woman.
-Count, l have to give you something.

Sometimes women are much wiser than us.

The End.