All language subtitles for Episodes501

I'm not going to be a fucking game show
host.

This could be serious money for you. And
right now, you need serious money.

I don't have to like you.

You don't have to like me.

Not to worry. I'm excited about this. I
know you are. When I read the thing, I

was like, oh my God, they're making our
show.

No, actually, the show Bev and I are
doing is vastly different from that

thing you and I kicked around.

Well, that's not true. I'm not going to
let my personal issues get in the way

of... For which we are very...

Very appreciative.

That said, there's one small change that
I'd like to make.

Sorry I'm late.

Fighting, isn't it? I think it's best if
him runs the show.

Previously on The Bot, it was payback
time for Jessica when Kojo disadvantaged

her with 100 hamsters.

That's too many hamsters. Everyone
assumed she would retaliate, but Jessica

had a bigger plan.

She and Jonathan formed an alliance and
pooled their points. They gave Chelsea

48 hours of Gilbert Gottfried in her
box. Gilbert Gottfried. Gilbert

Gottfried! Meanwhile,

Zack lowered race... So Wraith paid Zack
back by filling his box with A. It

turned out to be the last brawl. And on
day 36, Zack was eliminated from the

game. With only six players left, Danica
went on a winning streak.

Answering four primo questions in a row,
amassing a total of 46 advantage.

Will she use them to exact revenge on
Jonathan?

Or will she spend them on a major luxury
item for herself?

Find out tonight as we open up the box.

Seven people.

17 weeks.

Only one will beat the box.

Okay, anybody do math?

Do math.

Welcome to Day 37 of The Box.

Let's get right to it and see what our
box mates are up to. I have a feeling

that Kelsey might just be at the end of
her rope.

And the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, Let
the children of Israel

go out of your land.

Sorry to interrupt. Kelsey, gotta ask.

Is this the worst disadvantage so far?

Oh, yeah. No question.

God. will smite you for that.

So, Gilbert, how's it going for you?

Oh, it's a festival of joy and light in
here.

Having a good time, are you? How could I
not being stuck in a box with young

Kathy Bates?

All right, we'll check back in with you
soon.

And Moe just hit on to the Lord, behold.

Danica? Hi, Matt.

So, 46 advantages.

More than anyone in the game so far.

Yay me.

Everyone's dying to know.

Are you going to use them to do
something even worse to Jonathan?

Although, I don't know what that could
possibly be.

Or are you going to buy something
incredible for yourself?

Wait, wait. Don't answer yet.

We'll find out when we come back.

Right after this.

Just saying the words. It's so fun.

Such a good show tonight. What do you
think she's going to do with her

advantages? I don't fucking care.

Oh, and look who's here.

Hey, twice in one week. Are you kidding?
I can't stay away.

It's my new favorite show.

Liking those numbers, huh? Liking them.
They're what I think about when I'm

screwing my wife.

Whoa, what a great crowd!

I'm going to show you all a little
something that's going to be hitting the

newsstand tomorrow.

Guess who's on the cover of this week's
People magazine?

Matt Lobach!

Very impressive.

You're right out there with JonBenet and
some girl who lost 80 pounds.

All right, go fuck yourself.

Cover of People, not bad.

Also, by the way, you are going to be on
their world's most beautiful list. Oh, I

haven't been on that in ten years. Well,
you're beautiful again, my friend.

What do you got for me? Well, you
received a very generous offer from

Celebrity Wife Swap. I'm not doing Wife
Swap. Celebrity Wife Swap. I'm not even

fucking married. It's a good offer.

I'm talking about acting.

Look, everybody loves you. You know
that, but this is how they see you now.

As a fucking game show host?

I've been doing this for five minutes.
I've been an actor through. I know, I

know. Well, what about the network?

Ellie Salad just told me I'm what he
thinks about when he's inside his wife.

That's got to be good for 13 on air.
Look, this is the box that they like you

in. Well, what if I don't like this box?
Oh, come on. It's a nice box. It's a box

full of money.

Matt, 20 seconds.

Can't you just look at it as reinventing
yourself?

As a shittier version of me?

We're back in 10, people.

46 advantages.

Yep. If you really want to get back at
Jonathan, you've got honey and feathers,

hideous stench, and finally, 200 live
frogs

ready to drop.

There's a reason they were a plague in
the Bible. I'm sure Gilbert could tell

us something about that.

Don't interrupt me. It's getting to the
fun part. It's not looking good for

Lot's wife.

You could buy a luxury item for
yourself. With 46 advantages, you could

get, ooh, mattress and pillows, a steak
dinner with all the fixings,

TV for a week, or a warm, soapy shower.

Danica, what's it going to be?

Sophie Sauer. All right, go ahead and
cue the shower.

Love this fucking show.

Hello? Tim, it's Beverly.

I'm afraid I can't... Come in today.

Sean is dead.

What?

Oh, my God.

I know.

But what can you do? You can't come to
work when your husband's dead.

And there really is no excuse better
than that.

Sean is dead?

As a doornail.

So, who knows when I'll be back.

I've got all kinds of widow-y things to
do. And then there's the trauma.

In all likelihood, you and I will never,
ever see each other again.

Goodbye, Tim.

Good luck with the show.

What? No, nothing.

Any other thoughts on page 19?

19? 19?

19? No? Page 20.

I really think we need to cut this whole
bit with the boat.

What? No, you can't. You need the boat
bit. I realise it was in your original

draft, but darling, sometimes you have
to let the words go.

Do we?

If you cut the bit with the boat, it's
all exposition. The boat bit's the only

funny part of the scene.

I hope we're not keeping things in just
because they're funny.

In the comedy.

You two are so old school.

Comedies don't have to be funny anymore.

Some of the biggest comedies aren't even
remotely funny.

Audiences don't need your little jokes
and your laughs and your humour anymore.

You just have to end after 30 minutes.
That's it. Bang. You're a comedy.

We are not cutting.

The boat bit.

The scene needs the whimsy.

All right, Scary.

No need to get fractured.

You know what? We can decide this after
lunch. No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I have a surprise.

I made my famous Vietnamese noodles.

At least something good came out of your
little wall.

I thought you said we could take off for
lunch today.

I know, but then I got inspired.

Now, remind me who's allergic to
peanuts.

Nothing missing at all in the windows.

It does smell delicious.

I hope you're joking.

In this new way, where we don't have to
be funny.

See? You follow it in the air, and then
it shows you where it lands.

It's just like playing on a real course.

You know what's even more like a real
course?

A real course.

Yeah, but this way you can play anywhere
in the world. As long as you're

downstairs in your basement.

So where are we now?

Uh, St. Andrews in Scotland.

Oh, my brother actually lives ten
minutes from there. Oh, yeah?

Maybe after the game we can swing by.

You're kind of an asshole in Scotland.

Holy shit.

I was picturing Tim's head.

I don't know why he's still working with
that douche nozzle.

We have no choice.

We don't. It's still our show. We have a
financial stake.

We can't let him destroy it completely.

But you're there, like, every night.

Because the twat has no life.

Look, you're the one who said to go for
the money.

Well, so stop complaining.

I'm not complaining.

I'm golfing. So golf.

Still think you're wusses.

Jesus.

Tim again?

Actually, that was you that time.

If Muhammad won't come to the mountain,
the mountain will come to Muhammad with

bagels. Ah, did you get poppy?

No, the mountain can only get sesame and
plain.

Oh, Muhammad is tough.

Even in your kitchen, I'm not
comfortable with this conversation.

So, how are you?

Great.

I am.

I am.

Oh, good.

You've got the chive cream tea.

Oh, and there's a half a pound of Nova.

I'm not really a smoked fish person.

Really?

I just assumed.

What? You know, being... What?

Jewish. No?

You thought I was Jewish?

Well, you know, rants and... I don't
know.

Show business?

Yeah. No, I'm not Jewish.

You don't have to say it like that. I'm
Jewish.

You're Jewish?

Or like that.

Yeah, I'm Jewish.

How did I not know this?

You don't look Jewish. And I mean that
as a compliment.

You should probably stop.

Oh, wow.

Is Sean Jewish?

No. Because he actually looks a little
Seinfeld-y. I really think we should

move away from the whole looks Jewish
arena.

Gotcha.

No. Okay.

Aren't you going to toast it first?

Or is that just a Semitic thing?

I'm hungry.

Are you stoned already?

No. Why?

It's not even 9.15.

Oh!

What?

It's not like I have to be somewhere.

OK, I realise this is a difficult time.

I'm fine. Will you stop saying you're
fine? You are not fine.

You won't leave your house, you're
stoned before breakfast, and you look

like... What?

I look like what?

You look like what I imagine you'd look
like if you'd never left Michigan.

Look, I'm sorry, but you need to hear
it. You have to get out. You can't just

spend every day doing nothing.

I don't do nothing. What did you do
yesterday?

I woke up. You can't be waking up at
something you did. I didn't have to.

All I'm saying is you can't let this
defeat you. You've got to... What?

Get a job? I am poison in this town.

God knows what Helen's saying about me.
So who's going to give me a

recommendation? Castor? I don't even
know if they've released him yet.

But all those years of building
relationships.

Surely someone can help you. You had
friends at the network.

Are you kidding?

Myra blew me off. Oy.

Have you always had that?

Anything else on page 20?

Page 20.

Page 20.

Oh, look.

It's TV's Joey.

Excuse us.

I keep calling you guys. You're not
picking up.

Tim doesn't allow phones in the room.

Allow?

Jesus, you're pussies.

Actually, with everyone's phone going
off, we'd never get any work done. And

we're pussies. And we're pussies.

Anyway, so... I just got tickets for
Madonna tonight. Want to come?

Mm-hmm.

Madonna, really?

They're free. What time? In her seat, so
they're probably really good. Whose

seat? Madonna's. Actually, at Madonna's
seat?

She called me. You know Madonna?

Yeah, I know Madonna. Why can't I know
Madonna?

How? For like 30 years, since she was
like a virgin. I met her at the factory.

What factory?

Andy Warhol's factory.

You knew Andy Warhol? Yeah, why can't I
know Andy Warhol? Blondie introduced us.

All right, just stop it. I'm telling
you, you guys are the least interesting

people I know.

Aww.

So you want to come or not?

No way he's getting up out.

Here, pussy, pussy, pussy.

Excuse me, Tim.

Hello. I was wondering if there's any
chance of getting out a little early

tonight. Yes. We've only got, like, five
pages left.

Eh, sure enough.

We should be able to do it. Depending on
how long you two stand out there

yammering. He's got a face for punching.

How you doing?

Eh.

And then Reg could say...

What does a guy have to do to get a
cookie round here?

Damn cookie or just cookie?

I don't think you need the damn.

What does a guy have to do to get a
cookie round here?

To get a damn cookie.

To get a cookie.

Where is the guy? My fingers are digging
into the table. It was under my nails.

You know what? Let's just stick with the
damn. Yeah.

Definitely. Much better? Do that. Yep.
Yep.

So then Mrs Carlton says... Hang on. Is
it too long?

Oh, too long, right?

How about just... I want a cookie.

Where's my cookie?

That is funny.

So then... Or maybe with a handle.

Put my God in front of it.

My God, what does a man have to do to
get a damn cookie round here?

Perfect. You've got it.

Perfect.

Sold. Okay, okay, okay.

So then, Mrs Carlson says... Sorry, is
there something funnier than cookie?

Oh, I think it's funny enough. It is, as
you say,

a comedy.

Maybe a particular kind of cookie?

Oreos? Toll House. Help me here. Chips
Ahoy.

Malamon. Hydrog. Mint Milano.

Nilla Wafer. Mint Milano.

Girl Scout Cookie. Moon Pie.

Fig Newton.

Ginger Snap.

Mint Milano.

Did someone say fudgy?

Fudgy's funny.

Fudgy is funny.

Fudgy's not funny.

No. What does a man have to do to get a
damn fudgy around here?

I love it. We are crazy if we don't go
with that.

Yeah? Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Moving on.

Hand me one of those crackers, would
you?

Hmm? You say crackers instead of cookie.

That's interesting.

What? No, no, no. No, no, no. No, I was
just asking Bev. No, no, no. You're

right. I like it. A cookie's so
expected.

But what kind of cracker?

Rip.

Triscuit. Saltine.

Triscuit. Wheat chip.

Cheez-it.

Triscuit. You saw. I did not. I wasn't.
That wasn't. That wasn't. I did not. You

heard me. I was just asking.

That's our show. Remember to follow us
live online 24 hours a day. Be back here

tomorrow night when we'll be one step
closer to finding out who will beat the

box. Good night.

Hey, Gilbert, listen, thanks so much for
doing this.

Jesus Christ, it smells like a vagina's
vagina in there.

You gotta let these people bathe. That
one got to take a shower.

Well, next time put me in her box.

And I mean that in a biblical sense.

Hey.

Hey! You hear me? I said, hey!

I heard you.

Where are we on my fucking window?

Nowhere. Because like I told you, you're
not getting a fucking window.

No one has a window. I don't have a
window. Why should you get a window?

Because I'm the star of the fucking
show.

Yeah? Mr. Ed was the star of Mr.

Ed. But he still had his shit in the
barn.

The title's overrated.

Remember when I screwed your wife?

Yeah.

That's it.

Just wanted you to remember.

You're so never getting a window. Oh,
I'm getting a window. You know what?

You're an actor. Act like there's a
window. You know what? You're a

producer. Go fuck yourself.

Did you know that the secret to making
the perfect crepe is to chill the batter

the night before?

Here's a notion. Why don't we keep
working?

While we eat our crepes.

What? No.

We should at least take a moment to
favour them. Well, slightly more than a

moment, because don't forget I've got to
do a gluten-free batch for Amanda.

Jesus, Amanda, eat the gluten. It's the
best part.

Right. Hi. See.

Here's the thing. It seems like we have
a chance to get out of here at a

reasonable hour tonight.

For once.

I say, we grab it.

Just because you two have some kind of
plan.

Not just us. We have all worked every
night for the last six weeks. And I'm

using worked in the broadest sense,
including not only our show, but your

cooking show and helping you to pick out
a cat. And while we all appreciate the

food and we love Mr Twizzleboots, I'm
sure everybody here would also

love to get home.

To their families.

We're just asking for one night off.

Well, not quite sure what to say.

Just thought the crepes would be a
special treat, but we don't have to have

them. Most people don't want them.

No, no, we do. We totally do.

Well,

now you just think.

No, no, we really do.

They smell delicious.

That's the gluten.

And as far as taking a night off, I
suppose we could.

People would rather go home than get the
job done.

Sorry, I don't mean to be overly
professional, but I think the work has

to come first.

Now, who's having apples and who's
having cheese?

Yeah. Oh, Mr. Lapidus. I'm sorry to call
so late, but, um, we kind of have a

situation here.

Uh, Matt LeBlanc is down on the stage.

Now? Yeah, he's, um... Well, he's kind
of having a sex thing with, uh, with

Danica. Hang on. Hang on.

Let me turn on my feet.

Don't worry, none of it has gone out. So
long as I stay off Danica's camera,

nobody can see it. But I thought you
should know.

No, no, no.

I'm glad you called. You did the right
thing.

Do me a favor, Kenny.

Switch the live feed to Danica's box.

I'm saying if you stay off of Danica's
camera... No, no, no. I hear you. Just

switch it. It's fine.

Are you sure?

Absolutely. I take full responsibility.
Just switch it.

And let it run.

Wow.

Uh, okay, okay.

Oh, and do me a favor.

Zoom in on Matt.

Ah, that's nice.

Thanks for calling, Kenny.

You have a good night.

There's more. More?

He masturbated in front of America.

It's not my job to keep his dick in his
pants.

Who's watching the monitors?

That putz is long gone.

You could see that thing from space.

It looks like he broke the rules all
over that box.

What the hell were you thinking?

I still wish I could get through that
glass.

I don't want anyone to see me. Put up
your top, then.

Nice.