All language subtitles for Dave301

Hey, good morning, baby.

You need some java, baby.

We gotta wake up, baby.

Last night was really crazy.

I think I liked it, baby.

Dang smooth, baby.

Looking like you're moisturized, baby.

Tell me where to buy it, baby.

I'm dry, I need the product, baby.

Got my hand on Nabal.

Then she slid her panties to the ankle.

Made me back up and look at the pussy.

What's it glistening like a heavy
weight?

You want to fuck me, baby?

Haven't showered in a minute, girl.

But if you with it, then I'm with it,
baby.

I would shower you with every curl.

Are you freaky, baby?

Spooning me like I was soup?

Want me to be dirty like a goose?

Ooh, well, what do you like, baby?

Do you want me to choke you, baby?

She said, that's okay, baby.

That's okay as in you want that?

Or that's okay as in no thanks, baby?

She look at me crazy.

I said, I don't mean to complicate it.
No, no.

Let me grab a condom, baby.

I put it on and she, and she throw the
bag, give me the ass, pop it.

Tickle the breast, nibble the crab, stop
it. General culture with the tactics,

I'm a demon.

I can feel the semen creeping around the
penis.

Being a man in there, we need an
ambulance.

Pussy getting killed.

She orgasming.

Body spasming.

And I finally finished. Can you feel it,
baby?

Sliding off. Where's the condom? Whoa.

It's not on my penis, baby.

It's so confusing, baby.

Did I just fuck you raw, baby?

I'm looking around and I don't see it,
baby. I moved the blanket, moved the

covers. Where's the rubber, baby?

Now she digging like a caveman in the
pussy for it. Even if you find it in

there, what's the difference, baby?

Semen probably already leaking and it's
swimming in you. She said she still

don't want no condoms sitting in her
insides. I said, I understand, but there

are bigger fish to fry.

She said, you blaming me, but you the
one who put it on. I am not blaming you

and I don't think I put it on. I put it
on my pinky first to see which way you

go. Because I'm well aware that condoms
are reversible.

She screamed, I found it, baby. She
pulled it out of... But I can celebrate

it because we got bigger fishy. Girl, I
ejaculated. And I don't see it in there.

She said it's fine. She'll just take the
morning after pill.

Oh, oh.

Thank God for the take now.

We should probably go and get it now.

This is life when you're young and wild.

Don't worry. It'll be fine.

Okay.

Let's lie down.

Take the load off.

Get in here.

Oh. Well.

Okay. I thought something.

I promise you, bro, you cannot get an
STD going into Pussy Rock for only 10

seconds. Who says it was 10 seconds? It
could have been 10. It could have been

48. I have no idea. I fucked the condom
off my dick trying to give her this,

like, rock star style sex that I assume
she wants out of me. You are a rock

star. This is your first tour. You're
supposed to go hard.

That's the whole issue, in my opinion. I
feel like all of these girls just want

to fuck Lil Dicky. Is it really a crime
to want someone who wants to fall in

love with... Bro, you got to think about
her needs. She got her nails done. She

got her outfit. She told all her
friends. It's going to be the highlight

of her year.

You gotta beat the pussy up, bro.

But I don't even, I don't fuck like
this. That's not how I fuck, Ada, okay?

I do this. It's more, it's rhythm. Man,
that shit look complicated, man.

Complicated? It's so simple. It's
missionary.

Hi.

You just gonna bust those open, bro? You
ain't gonna pay for them first? You know

what?

You don't find everything okay?

No.

I'm sorry.

You guys have condoms here?

It's the same condoms everywhere. Why
don't they make, like, smaller condoms

for the smaller dick? Like, they make
magnums for, like, big dick men.

I feel like the condom would stay on the
dick easier if it was smaller sometimes.

If you're that concerned about STDs, why
don't you just use the scroll guard,

bro, that Mike got you, that plastic
diaper shit? That's private business.

Don't talk about it.

I don't know what he's talking about,
but he's not dangerous.

You crazy, man. They know I'm joking.

Man, they got the Confederate flag in
there, bro. It's the Texas flag.

It looks pretty Confederate to me, man.

Hey, Cliff.

I got the goods.

For you. For you.

You want to smoke this? I'll take a hit,
I guess.

You just wet my fucking blunt.

You fucking nasty. I'm going to get some
color.

Racist. No disrespect.

Trying to burn off the bacteria?

I'm just not built for this.

I can't be like the rapper who goes
around and fucks every night. That's not

my thing.

But I'm trying to rewire my brain so I
can actually have fun for once. You've

been stressed. You've been working so
hard. I know. And tour is just the one

time in life where there's no album to
hand in.

There's no songs to make. I can just be
free and live life to the F. Yep. It's

exactly like the time I was up in the
air. It was one of those moments. This

has nothing to do with skydiving. This
has everything to do with skydiving,

David. No, when you're hurtling toward
the earth at 120 miles an hour, you're

reaching max velocity. It's incredible.
And the chute doesn't open. You start to

freak out. But that's when you learn.
You learn, David, when the instructor

kisses you.

on the small of your neck and he says,
I'm sorry, that's when you learn to let

go.

I desperately crave a genuine romantic
connection.

Like, I need to fall in love. That's
just who I am.

Well, maybe you shouldn't hook up with
your fans anymore.

Maybe you shouldn't. We don't need this
for the documentary, okay? Yeah, we do.

Don't tell me what to do with my
documentary.

I don't want this footage, Emma. You
don't know what you're going to use. Get

different stuff.

I can't live another time. What I'm
saying is when you're plummeting towards

the Earth at terminal velocity, the
Earth feels like it's going to swallow

you whole. It's so scary, dude, but you
live. I love this story. Still telling

the story, huh? Yeah. Hey, what's the
islands we're going to on this tour?

I don't know the specifics, but we're
going to the specifics, y'all.

Are you performing tonight?

Oh, no. Tonight's all about my sweet
baby G right here. Gator's night, baby.

Big dog's night. Hey, loving Texans
ain't ready for a nigga like me. They're

not. They never were. They never were.
They never will be. That's what I do.

That's what you've been doing. G!

G! Come on, now. Oh, G.O.D. Do one song
with me, bro.

No, thank you. It's my one night off.
Come on. I'm trying to blend into the

background, be a normal guy. It's hard
to meet your wife when you're on stage

being the star. Well, some people say
that's the easiest way to meet your

wife. You're with him every day. How do
you resist him?

Are you serious?

Look, I just want to know if everyone's
all in to have the best night they could

possibly have, because I need that type
of camaraderie.

I appreciate the love y'all got for my
boy Dickie, man. I've been trying to get

him out here on this stage tonight, but
he on some Carmen Sandiego type shit.

See if we can get him on stage.

Want to take a shot?

Yeah.

What's your deal right now? Why are you
so lethargic?

You just got sucked.

Sloppy toppy, man.

Who sucked you?

I had to, man. Where?

Whatever. I don't care. Let's have fun
tonight.

Do you want a drink?

Honestly, bro, I'm exhausted as fuck,
bro. I'm about to go lay down. You're

leaving? Yeah, man.

What about my night off? What about the
plan that you committed to?

Man, I'm gone, gone.

Gator, you never honor the plan, man.

Hey, text me when you get to the hotel.

Hi.

Hi. Is this a good time?

Yeah.

Great, because I made something for you.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

It's you.

Oh, that's me. Yeah.

Oh, wow, it's so heavy. It's concrete,
that's why.

It's like sharp, too.

I'm kind of nervous.

Don't be nervous. This is great. You're
doing great.

I appreciate this so much, okay? I'm
such a big fan of yours.

Thank you. I love peanuts so much, and
I'm really trying to break into the

industry, so here I am. Well, let me
tell you firsthand, things are

surprisingly possible in life, okay? Go
for it.

Wow. Yeah. Thank you.

Well, Nikki, I love you. I love you too,
okay? Be safe.

Fuck.

Oh.

You doing all right?

What?

Are you doing all right?

Oh, yeah.

Just a little statutory issue I'm taking
care of.

Yeah, just cleaning up somebody else's
mess.

Hi. Hi.

How you doing?

I'm good. I'm sorry. I don't know you.

How could you? We're just now meeting.
No, I know. But I know you're like a

singer or something. You're with my
friends. But I've never heard of you.

Honestly, I prefer that. Like, great.

It's good that you have a clean slate on
my personality.

Oh. Yeah, I'm a rapper, actually, not a
singer. I do sing, song write, all that.

Oh, you did that song about being drunk.
What was it called?

I'm drunk.

Oh, yeah. Well, I'm on my way.

You pig.

I don't know.

So what's your deal? You just go to live
music venues without even knowing who

the person is and you have fun?

Wednesdays are like my Fridays.

I'm a nurse.

Oh, I'm nervous.

Come and blow off the steam, you know. I
appreciate everything you do behind the

scenes for all the sick.

Thank you.

Yeah. Okay, I can't go any further
without knowing your name.

Oh, it's Campbell.

Campbell. Yeah, lack of two.

That's a perfect name.

Thanks. Campbell, can I ask you a
relatively hard-hitting question?

Yeah.

What's your availability as far as being
hit on right now?

Like, would you say you're open-minded
or not at all?

Uh... Yeah, I think I'm definitely open
to it.

This is fun.

People are actually crazy. They're
literally pouring tequila in their eyes.

Like, why?

We should have, like, 4D cameras that
keep missing shit.

Just ask them to redo it.

I can't do that for my dog. It's not
real.

Real?

None of this is real, Emma. Are you
crazy?

We're on tour right now. Tour's not
real.

When we come to town, it's like their
version of a Super Bowl.

Okay, Mr. Big Shot who's been on tour.

Do you not understand that white people
act out when they see a camera?

What? Trust me, come on.

White boy summer!

White boy summer!

White boy summer!

And I'm going to continue to smoke this
joint then. All right.

Oh, hi, man.

LD!

Thank you.

Does that get annoying?

It's just praise.

All it is is praise.

Okay. But it's the life I chose. Yeah. I
always wanted to be Yubaquitta.

Well, good luck, and you have a new fan,
and I really hope that you make it.

You're saying goodbye?

Well... You're not about to leave.

You can't be. You're not going to let
something like this totally evaporate.

No, no, no, no. I'm engaged.

Oh, of course you are. No, no, no. No,
no, no. No, no. Like, I'm engaged in the

conversation. Oh.

Yeah. So a bunch of us are going to go
to my friend Connor's. We're going to

get together.

Oh. Do you want to come?

Because I like hanging out with you.

I like hanging out with you so much. All
right.

I do have a tour bus parked half a block
away. It's so charming. Oh, no. I'm not

like a groupie. I'm just a regular girl.

Of course you are.

I respect that. We'll go to Connor's?
Yeah, Connor. Okay, I have to grab

something off that bus. Will you stay
here?

Yeah. Okay, because in my opinion, I
feel as though this is what life is all

about. Moments like this.

We'll figure something out later. Yeah,
we'll figure it out.

You're getting ready to have a blast,
but you're not sure about someone's

sexual past.

Part of the skin of your genital area
has a cover, but most is still exposed

to your...

anymore. Now, there's Scrogard, the
powerful new product that you can wear

with any condom.

The secret is a high-quality premium
latex that is thick enough to cover your

genital area, but thin enough to feel
like a second skin.

Just fasten any two buttons securely
into place.

Hey, Dave.

Oh, shit. Oh, Jesus.

No shitting on the butt. No, I'm not
shitting. I'm just... I'm fixing my

pants.

I changed my underwear because I met a
girl and I was talking to her and I

soaked my first underwear with pre-cum.

Okay. I met a girl.

Congratulations, man. I'm happy for you.
Wish me luck. You deserve love, Dave.

Sorry. No, it's honestly my fault.
Anyway, anyway, okay, it was like 3 a

.m., and we're all like drunk as piss,
and all of a sudden we hear like a bang,

bang, bang, like Jurassic Park or
something. Oh, my God, what was it? Like

a rapist? No, no, it was actually my
goat. My goat got out of its pen. It was

like ramming its horns against the
glass. Wait, wait, you have a goat?

Like you're a goat owner?

Yeah,

I got a bunch of goats.

You're like out of a fable. Hey, you're
the fucking goat, L.D. Come on. Hey, y

'all shut the fuck up. Thank you, bro.

Sorry. Don't even look at that.

I'm sorry. It's fine. Oh.

Get in here.

Wow. You just broke the touch barrier.

So nonchalantly. You're just going to
break it like that and not even... Wow.

I mean, someone had to. I'm totally on
board with it.

FYI. Um... Oh, my God.

I have to pee.

Yeah. I understand that. I've had to pee
in the past, and you never know when

it's coming.

Thank you. Yeah. All right. I'm right
there with you. Get all the piss out.

All right. I'll be right here. I'm
great.

I'm in heaven.

What's up, man?

Hey. You guys hanging?

How you doing?

Good.

Hey, man. So, you like Ram?

What?

You like Ram?

Ram? Do I like... What?

What do you mean, like the processing
power?

LA Rams, like Los Angeles Rams football
team. Oh, shit.

Is he okay, or is he on like oxys or
something? No, no, no. Is this

Appalachia that we're in?

Because I know all about the opioid
crisis that you probably have to deal

with at every moment. I've got Molly, if
you want some.

Oh.

No thanks.

It's like dark purple.

I'm okay. I don't even understand the
color spectrum of Molly, but... What's

your name? We haven't met.

Rafe.

Rafe? Hey, are you hiring, by the way,
LD?

No. I majored in golf course management,
but there's a lot of crossover between

the two.

Yeah, I think you're better off on the
greens there because, like, we're just

so fully staffed. No, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Um, normally, like, shit's, like, way
more poppin', you know? No. It's pretty

low-key because it's Wednesday night and
shit.

All good, all G. But, yo, like,
normally, we're playing, like, Mancala

or, like, Cards Against Humanity or,
like, fuckin'... Sure. If you came back,

like... Yeah. No,

don't... No pressure, man. I'm, like,
just happy to... I'm honestly here

because of Campbell.

Bro. Yeah.

Ours are pussies straight up. V.

I... Yeah, I believe you.

Um... Hey, you know what? Fuck it. Hey,
hey, Travis!

Hey, fire that shit up! We're playing
Hot Theme, bitch!

What are we doing?

It's a prank phone call-based game. How
often do you play it?

All right, all right.

Hello?

Hey, I'm with your brother.

Wait, Jim's with you? You okay?

And he's OD'ing.

Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

You call 911?

Yeah.

But they can't... Come on.

Revive... Ah!

You just got hot, sweet fuck. Okay, I'm
gonna get another drink. All right, all

right, all right. I'll get another
drink. I'll get another drink. I'll be

back. Hey, LD. Wait. You probably got
all sorts of sleds and shit in your

phone.

Wait. All right. Come on.

Alfonso Ribeiro?

Is that a pasta?

Carlton? It doesn't mean anything when I
say it? Carlton?

All right, all right, all right, LZ,
come on, it's your turn. Oh, no, I'm

not. Come on, get on that hop seat for
old time's sake. Let me watch how you

do. Fuck you. What are you doing? Wow.

Okay.

So you're really not going to kiss me
right now?

Why would you do that? That's crazy of
you.

Campbell, come out here. Your friends
are getting a little dicey.

Need you back here.

Fuck. She blew it.

What do you mean?

We fucking passed out.

No, she's not.

I'm drunk.

She's drunk.

Guns up!

Guns up! Guns up!

Oh,

I thought her mission was to fuck you
tonight.

Wait, what do you mean you said it was
her mission?

Like going into the night?

Yeah.

Then why did she tell me when I met her
that she had never heard of Lil Dicky?

Is that what she told you?

She probably just said that because
she's watched all your interviews. She

knows that's what you want to hear.

She's a diehard. I mean, she knew what
to tell you.

Okay. I'm going to leave.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Come on, man.
No, no, no.

L.D., no. There's a bunch of people
still coming. This shit's just getting

started. Come on. It's so late. We leave
tomorrow. This is literally the best

night of my entire life, man.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, or congrats. I don't know
what to say to that.

Tell us what it's like.

Just tell us what it's really, really
like. I like anything, man. Yeah, man,

did the girls just fap for you nonstop?

Fap?

All right, sit down.

Okay, all right. You guys want to know
what it's like?

I'll tell you what it's really like.

Here's what it's like.

I go around America and I meet people
like you, and every single time they

look at me exactly the way you guys are
staring at me right now.

It's weird. And people have preconceived
notions about the way that I behave,

about the way that I fuck.

I feel that.

Fucking ain't easy, bro-ham. Not easy at
all. I've had so many insane sexual

encounters, and truthfully, the thing
that I want the most is incredibly

simple, but I could never really ask for
it.

What?

So my dick is shaped like a manatee in
the sense that, like, you know how,

like, the manatees have, like, a bend
and, like, a... So my dick is bent.

The thing that satisfies me most in life
is when that bend simply gets

straightened.

There's no STD threat whatsoever.

It's truly my heaven on earth, but I
could never ask for that because it's so

weird. And the woman would tell all
their friends, but that wouldn't happen

with my soulmate.

I'm looking for love.

I'm looking for my wife, okay?

Hey, let us see your dick.

No.

But you asked me what it's like. It's
not even that interesting. Come on,

Dickie. Come on. Come on.

I love you. Hey, come on, Lil Dicky. You
always talk all this shit about your

dick, but you never show it to anybody.

Come on, Lil Dicky. Show us your fucking
dick. Come on.

Show us your fucking dick.

What the fuck is that?

A diaper?

No, it's called a scroll guard.

Look it up on YouTube. It's the funniest
thing you'll ever see.

It's like STD prevention, but like the
comedy version.

Show us your dick, little dicky!

They're still chillin'.

Hey, motherfucker, what the fuck are you
thinking, boy? Whoa! Hey, stand your

ground! Stand your ground!

What? I'm standing my ground. You stand
your ground. I'm standing mine, so no

reason.

That ain't how it works.

Uh, Lil Dicky, I'm Lil Dicky. Please
don't, please. Lil Dicky? Yeah. The

rapper? Yeah, yes, the rapper. That's
me.

I'm, uh, I'm here.

So I gotta use your phone. No, you
ain't.

Yes, I am. What do you mean I'm not?

Obviously, this is... Look at the
situation, man.

Can't you tell by my posture?

Prove it.

Prove it.

Uh... What's that?

Like, or... It's... You know it's me.

Please, I gotta use your phone, man.

Aren't you a-gamin'?

I couldn't hear what you said.

Aren't you a gayman?

Like the dinosaur lizard?

No, like, aren't you a faggot?

Oh.

I don't know exactly how you're using
that word, but I suspect that, depending

on how you define it, that, like, to an
extent, yeah.

Yes.

Tom, what's going on out there?

I'll be there in a minute, Pat.

Thank God you picked up. I need you to
come grab me right now.

You're in room 207.

No, no. I'm not at the hotel.

Where are you? Thank you so much for
everything. I appreciate it. Hello.

I don't know how to explain it to you,
but you just got to come get me right

now, OK?

Are you all right? Where are you, man?

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm at 4218 Fannin
Boulevard, OK?

Yeah, no problem, man. I'll be there
soon.

Thank you, Mike. Thank you. Just got to
get up and get dressed.

I always lose one sock.

Mike?

Bring a couple hundred bucks.

You'll see, like, when the dick's fully
blooded, there's, like, a little bit of

a bend.

My ideal way for this to happen is if
you take that bend and you just simply

straighten it.

Nah, I don't understand.

Uh, the bend, and if you just take the
bend and you straighten, and then just

wait.

No, no, no, no mueva. Yeah,

uh, do you know what a manatee is?

Manatee. Manatee, the sea, sea.

Manatee.

I am an animal. I am raw. I am an
animal.

You know, we don't even have to. We
don't have to do it. No, no, no, no, no.

No te preocupes. Yo te lo voy a hacer de
mojo. Vas a ver que vas a... No te

preocupes. Yo ya te entiendo. Aquí está.
¿Así? Oh, yeah.

Just tell.