All language subtitles for Broad City 506

Oh, hey, hi.

Are you watching me sleep?

No, I was watching you try to breathe.

I think you have a badly deviated
septum.

But it's a damn cute deviated septum.
Oh, thank you.

I got you something.

Oh, really?

What is it?

Open it.

Oh.

It's a little yellow hat.

Try it on.

Oh, I'd love to try it on.

Ugh.

I love this.

Really? Yes.

Perfect.

I mean, do you think it fits?

Definitely. Does it feel loose? I don't
know what it is.

Well, you could always put a bobby pin
in to keep it in place like they do at

the, um... Comica. Yeah.

Wait.

Why do you know that word?

I'm Jewish.

Okay.

No, I'm 100% Jewish.

Well, you are funny.

Oh, well.

Four and three and two and one.

Okay, I am 100% Ashkenazi Jew. Yeah, no
shit. Ever seen a mirror? Wow.

Okay, we have history of anxiety.

Check. Poor eyesight.

Check. IBS.

Yeah, well.

Tay-Sachs disease, cystic fibrosis,
gradual S-syndrome. Holy shit.

Let me tell you something, honey. I
could have told you all of that without

your selling your medical history to the
government.

What do you mean?

Google owns your DNA, you naive little
bitch.

Well, I'm going to write all about this
for my grad school personal essay.

Endophenotypes, the genetic inheritance
of mental disorders.

Yikes.

Okay, what else does this have to teach
me?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

What? Well, I just found out that I have
the richest history of millennials you

can have.

I'm related to a Holocaust survivor.

Dude, this is incredible. There's so few
left. There's, like, none. I know, and

I'm 16 cousins with one who lives in
Manhattan.

Whoa. We have to go right the fuck now.
Okay.

Dope, because I know that I can learn so
much about my history or whatever, but

also about our shared mental illness.

Swing. Maybe I should get my DNA tested.
I could be related to a Holocaust

survivor, too.

Who, a guard?

Come on, Alana. I don't mean a full-on
Nazi. I mean, like, a Polish soldier who

looked the other way.

I am Jewish.

Emphasis on the ish. Come on. Let's go.

So what are we doing, the Q or the F?

Ha, what the hat?

Oh, this? Leslie got it for me. She saw
it and thought of me. It's cute, right?

I'm just giving it a go.

Let's see.

Brave.

Yeah, so she was just, like, out and saw
it in a store and thought of me.

And... We think she likes you, right?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think she really
likes me.

I really like her, too.

So you're a hat girl now.

I mean, maybe.

Is that a problem?

I'm just... I'm surprised.

You know, you've never expressed any
interest in hats. I watch your eyes when

we walk, when we talk.

You've never even looked at a hat.

Yeah, I mean, I guess I never really
considered them.

Right. But Leslie bought it for me, so
I'm going to give it a try.

One last thing. Do you think you're
going to be a hat person for the rest of

your life?

I don't know.

Are we talking about hats?

Yeah, we're talking about hats.

Hi. Hi.

We are here to visit my very dear,
sweet, and close 16th cousin, Sal

Barwitz. Oh, fantastic.

He'll be so happy to have visitors.

Can I have your licenses?

And you'll get your licenses back when
you leave. Great.

You can take him to the commissary or
any of the communal areas on the third

floor. Thank you. He's in room 11B.

Thank you. Thanks so much. Do not leave
the third floor.

Maybe he's hard of hearing.

Looks

like

I'm the magician, even though you're the
one wearing that hat.

Okay, I think the door is unlocked.

Saul?

Saul Barwitz, I'm your 16th cousin,
Alana Wexler.

Oh, my God.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

Oh, God, I knew I shouldn't have stopped
at Sephora before I came here.

I'm going to cover his face up. This is
so weird.

Gotcha. Oh, my God.

Works every time.

You know, you must be one of those jeans
and me kids. I can see the resemblance.

Look, that's me as a horny teenager.

See the hair?

I guess.

Have a seat.

Wow. Great fun, huh?

Yes. Wild.

Wild. Very, very.

So, like I said, I'm Alana, and this is
my... Oh, God. She's my everything. But,

you know, I'll just boil it down to
soulmate.

Let's leave it at soulmate.

I'm Abby.

Nice to meet you both.

So, I am applying to graduate school,
and I'm writing my personal essay about

inherited trauma.

For example...

I experience anxiety diarrhea three to
eight times daily.

Now, do you think that somatic
expression tracks back to your horrific

experience somehow for sure?

No.

I'm going to write a possible
connection.

Okay, so tell me everything. I want to
hear about mental illness history,

stories from the old country, Nazi shit,
anything.

Tell you what.

I'll tell you everything.

The whole family, relatives, everything.

If you'll take me out of here for a
little while.

I've been cooped up here so long. And
you know what? The food here is

horseshit. Well, the woman downstairs
said we could take you wherever you want

on this floor.

Come on. It's a little strict down
there. I'm sorry, Saul. We can't. I

mean, we're just following orders.

Oh, I've heard that one before.

Woo!

Okay, okay. We're getting out of here
right now. Wow!

Oh, this guy had an accident. Chimps
everywhere.

We've got to get rid of his rub.

We're doing it.

Get him out!

I can't do this.

Wait, wait, wait. Get ready. Are you
okay?

Great work, girls.

Smell that New York air. It's like
garbage. I love it.

Oh, come on.

So let's get you some real food and get
into some real family history. For

example, I want to know, were your
parents mentally ill like mine?

Listen, before we get to that, could you
guys take me to a shoemaker?

Of course, Saul.

We'll do you one better.

Oh, that was so nice.

Good.

Okay, Saul, now that I've got you in
pleasure, interview question number one.

What does... post-traumatic stress
disorder mean to you? Look, they have

high tops.

I'll be right back.

He is too cute.

Can you hear him?

What? I'm just sending a selfie to
Leslie. Cute.

I just, um, I forgot about, uh, you
know, uh...

Girls! I found it! A dope-ass pair!

I love these shoes. They look amazing on
you. You hungry?

Where do you want to eat? What about Red
Hook?

Red Hook is kind of hard to get to,
right? Well, we can always take it. Shut

up!

What, dude?

Alan motherfucking coming! Oh, my God.

Who is that?

Alan coming!

Alan Cumming, the magical, pansexual New
York City party boy, nymph in the

beautiful flesh!

I have chills.

Okay, should we follow him?

I mean, I think we have to.

What? I'm sorry. Okay, it is not about
you right now, honey. Saul, we're

talking about Alan Cumming. From Romy
and Michelle, from the anniversary

party, from the Goodways, from Vice
World fame, Saul. I mean, Alan Cumming

created his own perfume line called
Cumming.

Is that LOL genie or what? I'm wearing
it right now.

Saul, I swear to Adonoy.

Whatever Alan Cumming has in store for
today, you will be titillated by it. He

represents the real New York, okay? The
pre-9-11, pre-sex in the city Basquiat

keeps herring New York.

The only herring I'm interested in is
pickled herring. And as soon as we can

get to that, I am fine.

Okay. You got yourself a deal. We'll do
it. Make it happen. All right. Come on,

Saul. We got to catch up with him.

All right. All right. We're going to
catch up. Giddy up, Saul. We got it,

Saul. Shit. Here we go. We're losing
him. Okay.

All right. Here we go.

We must.

We must.

Okay. Come on, brother. Here we go.

You're a guest. You're a guest.

Jiggly Caliente is the best.

Tuck your dick between your legs and
take those unfeasibly large breaths. A

generous pour contours and curves all
the drinks that you deserve.

We are dressed in all couture. Just ask
our comte a chavalier and do your

beltless in your pants.

Tip your waitress, she's freelance.

Our mimosa pores will always pass the
test.

Come on and bring your nephew.

Apply your blood and then you'll pass
the test.

Touch my chest.

You're our guest.

Can I take your order, baby? Yes. Can I
get a coffee with a side of you?

Looks like I got a fresh one, huh?
Mm-hmm.

I love this place. Thank you. And I love
money. So make sure y'all tip, okay?

Yes. I'll be back, y'all. I love it.

Whew.

That was good.

Oh, my God. Alan, he's at the bar.

We have to go pay our respects.

Let's vape and loosen up a little bit.

Oh, Saul, this is a marijuana pen.
Sorry.

You probably don't want that.

Why shouldn't I get high?

Go for it.

You can't get off unless you're caught.

That's for damn sure.

Have a good time.

Who? Come on, girls.

Oh, my gosh. Abby, his friend just left.
I'm leaving him all alone at the bar.

Oh, my God. It's now or never, dude.
Come on.

Hello.

Hi.

Mr. Cumming, we just want to say how big
a fan we are.

Thank you so much for bringing us here
today.

For bringing you? We followed you for
like 13 blocks.

Cool.

It's really cool. Are you a couple?

We're just best friends forever.

Oh, the hat.

No, we actually just brought along a
16th cousin.

He's a Holocaust survivor.

Oh, really? That's incredible.

We really need to cherish our elders and
hear their story.

You want to meet him?

Sure. Yeah, he's here. You've got to
meet my 16th cousin, Alan Cumming. He's

great. He's right over there.

Where is he?

Have you looked? No! No!

No!

No!

No! No! No!

Oh, my God.

He's gone for fucking ever.

Okay, okay. Dude, we'll just see where
the bus stops next.

I can't read a fucking bus map. No, me
neither. Okay, we cannot be losing

Holocaust survivors. Not now that the
world is gaining Nazis somehow.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Where would a Holocaust survivor go? Um,
okay, okay, thing, thing, thing.

Um, pickle tearing, um... Sabers! Yes!

Shit, my hat, dude! Leave the hat! No!

It's not that simple!

To the mayo-based salad.

Excuse me, excuse me. Have you seen an
elderly gentleman, like, yay high?

He's also very high as in stoned. Oh,
he's also wearing brightly colored

LeBron high tops.

I don't think so. Sorry.

Okay, maybe we check down. Wait, Alana.
Okay, I'm never up here, and the babka

is insane. We've got to get some while
we're here. I will get some white

pistachios. Hey, can I get a pound of
white pistachio, please? And we'll take

that to go. We're kind of in a hurry.
Thank you. Okay, dude, where else would

a Holocaust survivor go?

Wow, we really got lost in there.

Well, you can't rush through.

No, no.

The resilience of the Jewish people is
just astounding.

Yeah. We've got to keep educating
ourselves, you know?

Truly never forget.

Shit! Saul!

Oh, my God! Idiot!

Saul?

Saul?

Okay, where else might an old Jew go?

A sale!

Genius. Jew magnets!

Yes!

Just can't pass up a sale like that. No,
I mean, you find the best stuff when

you're not looking. I mean, we weren't
trying to shop. We had to. We had to.

You don't find great clothes. Great
clothes find you. Exactly. Damn it!

Saul! Oh my god, what is wrong with us?
I don't know. I think we smoke too much

weed. We gotta go back to the assisted
living facility. It's getting late. It's

getting dark.

Yeah, you're right. Also, we need our
licenses.

Oh, good point.

Hi.

Zora.

There's no delegate.

way to put this but um we lost him and
we can't find him and we look

all over all the fuck over and we can't
find him and we're really really really

sorry no disrespect he's at ikea what
how do you

know that when he breaks out he always
goes to ikea that's what he does okay

Didn't I tell you not to leave the third
floor with him? You didn't mention that.

I didn't really hear it. I feel like
that was more directed to my friend, to

be honest.

Okay.

Um, so you guys got it from here, or?

And, and, and, and we could just take,
we'll just take our licenses back real

quick, and then we'll just be like,
great, I mean, yeah.

No.

Go get him.

Great. Um, do you think that we can
leave our bags? Now.

We'll take them. Yeah.

See you later.

Saul?

Saul! Oh, my God, Abby, he's here. Oh,
my gosh, Saul, we've been looking

everywhere for you. Thank God.

Wow. You know, you come in for one
thing, and... Like your cousin, the

Holocaust survivor.

Before you take me back, how about some
Swedish meatballs?

I mean, you know I'm in.

You can leave that in the cart.

These are so good.

Told ya.

So, what's up with the IKEA fetish,
though?

Well, when I...

Escape from the camp.

I wound up in Sweden.

And those people, the Swedish people,
they were so good to me.

And their furniture was so elegant.

So this is like retail therapy.

Makes sense.

Well, we had a great day with you.
Thanks for sharing it with us. We

learned so much from you, Saul.

And also the Holocaust Memorial Museum
of New York we just stopped by.

You know my motto.

Never forget.

Also, don't remind me. Yeah.

And you look a great deal like my
father.

Are you serious?

Yeah. Really? It's all about in the
eyes. The mustache.

Oh, my God.

Okay. I'm going to talk to you for one
quick sec. Okay. So, I...

I feel like I gave this guy a good go of
it today.

And I just don't think that it's really
me.

Okay.

I mean, I really appreciate the gesture.
It was so nice that you would think of

me. It's totally fine.

Abby, listen.

I thought it would look cute on you, but
you're much cuter without it.

Sweet relief.

Oh, my God. I feel so much better.

It's not about the hideous hat. It's
about the head that wears it. I couldn't

help but wonder. I used to think being
Jewish meant IBS, TASAC, inherited

trauma, and childhood contact lenses.

But now I know being Jewish is about
being resilient.

Having the strength to survive the
Holocaust and perpetual exile, as well

as being able to carry a stag table to
the parking lot of an Ikea at 91 years

old.

And I hope you have the strength to
accept this little Jew into your

psychology graduate program.

Shalom.

Cute as hell.

Are you performers?

No, why?

The hat.

Oh, this? No, this is a dial choice.

Usually I'm pro-choice, but I would have
bought this if I could.

Hat. I'd burn it.