All language subtitles for Broad City 408

Thank you for house-sitting. Thank you.
I'm taking Oliver for a detox in the

Hamptons. Standardized testing has
really stressed him out.

Now here, make sure you feed the blue
macaw and make sure the house gets a lot

of positive energy.

I think I can manage that. Great.

Oliver, our Uber's closed.

Time tables, topic sentences, five
paragraph essay, five paragraph essay.

Chill, chill, chill.

Standardized testing does not define
you. Nothing can happen in the global

economy that will ever make you need to
work.

You know, there's a gate right there.

Four and three and two and one.

Unreal.

Double jumbo capacity washer dryer
cleaning 25 pounds of your dirtiest dog

shit at lightning speed.

Madame Houdin, to the tour.

Mmm. Enter the Matabe.

Italian marble, Asian marble, Puerto
Rican marble, every ethnicity of marble.

And the Cucu de Gras.

Is that a bidet? You bidet believe it
is.

Let's try staccato.

I'm going to check out my online dating
profile.

The water is perfectly warm to
accommodate my anus. Oh, my God, dude.

My high school English teacher, Mr.
Miller, is on Bumble.

That is unreal.

Oh, also, your Bumble thing is hot.

I don't know. I feel like it's a little
creepy.

Hell, yeah. Sometimes in life you get
creepy, freaky fuck.

Plus, you guys are both adults now. You
must swipe y'all. You cannot swipe not.

Yeah, you're right. We are both adults
now.

Plus, I always had a thing for him.
Yeah, teachers are the ultimate fantasy.

Yeah, you know what? You're right. I'm
doing it.

Oh, my God. Okay, we matched.

Hell, yeah, you did, you creepy bitch.

All right, what do I say?

Say, um, I need help studying for my
ACTs, and I'm trying to get a 69.

He's still typing.

Jesus.

Okay, he wrote, I'm in town. Do you want
to meet up tonight?

Is that about the message or the bidet?

Honestly, both.

He should come here. This place is so
adult.

You know, you'll see him older than he
is. That's perfect.

Okay, I'm going to say that we're having
an adult-only soiree, and he should stop

by. Casual. Love it.

that's left with prep.

You hit your sweet ass on this bidet.
You feel like a wine glass fresh out of

the dishwasher.

Oh, I get into it.

So what's going on with your Lincoln?

It's official now. He's like your
boyfriend. Yeah, you know, it's just

that... Um, just try not to choke it out
with a label. You know? I'm just like,

it is an essential part of my character
that I'm just on as a label. So we're

just enjoying the ride.

Yeah. I think that's great.

Oh, dude, it's him. Okay.

He's on his way.

Oh, my God. That was fast.

Yikes. God, dude. Drive that sweet ass
and move.

My head.

You know what? I think you need to
change into something a little more

casual, like resort wear.

Resort wear?

You are naturally rich.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. I'm going to
do like... This is good. Like a little

more mature.

Perfect. Great.

Oh, hi. Hi, ma'am. God, you're a
princess.

Thank you.

In a castle.

Hey. Hi, hold it up, baby.

Hi, how do you think?

I had an adult circumcision and I cannot
get hard for two more weeks.

Wait, why can't you get hard?

Because the stitches will tear.

No,

obviously.

You can't just hold books.

You have to actually read them.

I cannot be around my patients in my
current state.

Do you mind if we just...

So,

Italian marble, Asian marble, Puerto
Rican marble, and the Cuchita Graal.

A bidet is synonymous with sex in
Clichy, Guatemala.

A boner is inevitable.

I cannot be in here. I'm so sorry.

Dude,

my teacher's here.

Oh, my dear.

Hello, my fluid dude.

Hey. Oh, my.

He's here. He's here. Oh.

We got it.

Hey, Abby.

Hey, Mr. Miller.

Richard. Richard.

Hey, Alana, Lincoln, this is a man.

And this is Lincoln. He is a man as
well. Friend from way back when. How?

And a confidant. Former teacher.

He's not my teacher anymore. We're on a
date now. And this is Lincoln. He is

my... Boyfriend?

Yeah, she's my boyfriend.

That's great.

Wow, that took a long time.

To say.

Oh, taxidermy room.

Oh. Nothing? Hi.

Hi, mate. This is Richard.

He was my peach guy.

Not anymore.

That's why we're on the date.

I mean, not why.

She used to be our teacher.

And now you're on a date.

Yes. Oh.

Excuse me. I'm gonna... Oh. I can't
touch you. I'm so sorry.

Okay,

is

it kind of weird that we're on a date?

I mean, not really. I mean...

We're adults, right?

Yeah, you're right. I am an adult now,
supposedly.

Supposedly. With a D.

Sorry, English teacher mode. It's fine.

Speaking of which, I did love it when
you used to make Tina Palmer stop

saying, like, so much. She'd never let
me sit at her lunch table because, like,

I wasn't hot enough.

What? Yeah. You were so much cuter than
her.

I mean, you're not so bad yourself.

I used to think about you like that.

I used to think about you like that,
too.

Um, I had to go pit.

Hard.

Undo, zip me up. Of course, my lady.

Oh, sweetie, let me get that for you.
Your fingers are for two things.

Filling cavities and filling cavities.

Oh, you.

My man.

Alana, I'm going to be honest because
we're in a relationship now.

I don't think you got this 100% right.

This is horrible.

I promise to improve.

You're my priority now.

Alana?

I need to talk.

Beerby, I was the priority.

Whoa, love that outfit.

Thank you. Okay, I don't know if I can
do this with Richard. He's, like, really

creeping me out.

It's so hot. No, it's not, okay? He said
he thought about me.

Like that. Like when I was his student,
though.

I mean, you don't think that he turned
off to me.

Really? Bitch, der.

All teachers jerk off to their students.

No, they don't. All teachers do not jerk
off to their students.

Oh, sweet Abby.

Once students have flowered, teachers
are either fucking them or jerking off

to them.

Respect the ones who only jerk off. The
other ones are in the news.

No. No, no.

Alondra, no.

We can't control our thoughts, dude.
Jerking off has been a crime.

Well, it depends on where you do it. In
the privacy of their own home?

Listen, if Lincoln and I ever have
children, and believe me, we're not

talking about that for a couple of
years, I hope... Their teachers are

jerking off to them. You do? If I keep
their disgusting hands off my hot-ass

bluish kids, then yeah.

I don't know. It still creeps me out.

All right, let's get real.

You ever jerk off to JTT?

Jonathan Taylor Thomas?

Yeah, I meet him all the time.

As he was on Home Improvement? That
poreless olive skin?

Or as he is now, a present-day
31-year-old actor?

I've been jerking off to a teenager
every other night.

And are you a creep? Are you a criminal?

We're all jerking off to teenagers.

And I'll tell you what, they're jerking
off to us too.

That's the circle of life.

When you say it like that, it's not
creepy at all. Yes. Dude, jerking off is

all we got.

It literally saved the world.

Thank you.

Oh, here's what I like.

I don't like it.

Oh. Sorry, I'm sorry. Don't. Don't even.

I'm a grown man, so I should have more
control over my pelvic floor. That's

all. No.

Farts are part of the total relationship
package.

Yeah? Mm-hmm. Watch this.

This

is like

a breakdance battle, but not at all.

That was different from the others.

Hey, Alana, have some perspective. You
shat yourself at a party five

weeks ago.

Hey, sorry about those last few things I
said.

Sort of came out weird.

Fine. If we met right now, you'd just be
like a hot dude who happens to teach.

All right.

This is actually pretty good.

Yeah, it's amazing.

Got sort of a full body with a tannic
grip.

Yeah, I love full bodies with tannic
grip.

I love those things with my wine.

What do you mean?

What you said.

I was like, yep, mm-hmm, me too. Yeah.

His and hers casket sheets.

This is amazing.

Oh,

I forgot to say, we have brunch with
Abby and Jaime on Saturday.

Oh, I can't. I already have golf with
Dr. Tim.

Okay, I guess we have to make a shared
Google Calendar now so we don't double

book all the time. Sounds like a great
idea. I love Google Calendar.

events.

It's all good.

Why don't you?

Let's not go get books.

I have to open my stitches.

My stitches. Please.

Please.

I know you're up.

I really enjoyed Monet's early
impressionism. I mean, I was reading

about his process in The New Yorker.
Hold on a second. You mean The New

Yorker? Yeah, a lot.

Wow, like the whole thing?

Yeah, yeah, I usually get through it.

It's so hot. It's like super sexy.

That I can read?

Pretend like it's day one.

Damn, reading is so dope.

Getting thicker and thicker.

Calling Dr.

Rice. I have a bad cavity that needs to
get drilled.

Wake up!

Okay, so we have to talk about this
whole relationship thing.

What? Think about what we have
sacrificed to enter the sexless fart

party. When was the last time we even
had sex?

We had sex an hour ago.

And that's good enough for you?

I can't.

I told you I have a refractory period.

Looks like somebody

didn't do her homework.

Wait, what?

I didn't, but I don't know. Is there any
extra credit I can do to bring my grade

up? I don't think so.

Looks like you're getting a big fat D
this semester.

Hi.

Hi, my little good heart.

Okay, I gotta hash this out.

Like, are we aiming it forever? That
seems ridiculous.

Oh. It's crazy. I don't want to do
anything forever.

I like spaghetti, but I don't want to
die with spaghetti.

I mean, I might, but I don't know yet.

I want to take this one day at a time,
the same way I take spaghetti.

Yeah, because a lifetime sounds ominous
and scary.

Yeah.

Lifetime implies death.

Think about it like this. Let's say you
want a lifetime supply of Doritos. I'm

listening. At first, you'd be psyched. I
got all these Doritos.

After a while, every time you went to
grab a bag of Doritos, you're like, oh,

I'm going to die.

So this is what I propose.

We do it for a year.

Short term.

And after that year, we check in with
each other. See how it's going.

Like a phone contract.

God, I love that.

Because I can do that.

And thank you for all the food
metaphors. You're welcome.

I was eating spaghetti and Doritos
yesterday. That's probably why my fart

smelled so violent.

Right. I'm going to avoid that
combination in the future.

I'd really appreciate that.

I may be strong.

Penis, be weak.

Be weak.

Should we be doing this?

You're so young.

I mean, I'm 28.

No, but you're like 17, right?

Yeah, I am only 17.

Yeah, like you don't even know how to
drive.

No, I just got my license.

I mean, it's actually just my...

There you are, Abby.

Hold on.

Get off. Get off.

Okay. Sorry. Um, were you just holding
my skin back so I look more like a

child? We were role-playing, right?
Like, you're 17. I was trying to make

you look youngish.

What the fuck? Okay. No, no, no. Excuse
me.

Excuse me.

Jaime, why are you in here right now?
Well, I'm so sorry, okay? But I was

trying to hide in the children's room so
I wouldn't get hurt. But that, sir, that

was just disgusting.

I hope you know that. Disgusting. Yeah,
you know what, Richard? That was

disgusting, for one. For two, I
exfoliate, like, almost every other day.

And you know what? My skin is radiant. I
don't know that much to be true, but I

know this much to be true.

Abby, skin care is challenging, but we
were role-playing.

All right, well, that's it.

I'm going to leave you to it, okay? But
first, I want to thank you.

That image will forever harden my soul,
but soften my pee-pee.

Namaste, you sick, sick man.

Finally, I'm relieved. Thank you.

Excuse us.

Look, Abby, it takes two to bumble.

I'm not your teacher. You're not my
student.

We're... Oh, my gosh.

Single file.

Single file? I'm only one person. Use
the buddy system!

All right, roll call.

I think we can see that we're out here.
All clear.

Dryer set fire.

It's a Newton Elite. It's built only to
dry satin, silk, or gold-infused

fabrics. Looks like you guys are drying
cheap cotton and polyester here.

Fire was inevitable.

Thank you. So do you.

Oh, it's Heidi.

Okay. Hey,

Heidi.

Yeah, it was a... Small dryer fire.

Great.

Enjoy the Hamptons, and I'll talk to you
soon.

Um, she didn't even know there was a
laundry room.

It doesn't affect her in any way.

Wow. It must be nice.

You want to head back inside?

Um, I don't think so.

Thanks for coming over. It was
interesting.

Goodbye, Abby.

Okay.

Richard, wait.

Do you jerk off to your students?

All teachers do.

You kind of have to.

Hey, Abby, one more thing.

You have to keep reading.

Your brain is a muscle.

If you don't use it regularly, it goes
away.

What a righteous dude.

Forget about me.

I get carded almost all the time. I'm
sure. Almost every time there's like an

age limit, I'm questioned.

I bet. Because people think I'm way
younger. Yeah, definitely ten years ago,

I'm sure. I mean, for sure.