All language subtitles for Taskmaster (NZ) - s06e04 - Who Knows Who I Am

(WHEEL CLICKS)

- Paul!

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

(POP!)

(KEYS CLACK)

(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)

(PLAYS SCALE)

(KEYS CLACK)

(THWONG!)

- Yes!

- Hi, Mum.

- Au revoir!

- (ROARS)

(KEYS CLACK)

- Yah!

- Oh.

- No!

- Ha ha ha!

- (GASPS)

- Ah!

(STAMP THUDS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACK)

(DING!)

- Kia ora koutou,
and welcome to Taskmaster ―

the show that comedians say yes to
because they're desperate
to reinvent themselves,

or, in Jack Ansett's case,
invent themselves.

- OK.
(LAUGHTER)

- My name's Jeremy Wells,
and I am the Taskmaster.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Tonight, our five comedians
will be competing in a series
of wickedly complex tasks.

And for their efforts,
they can win this ―

- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- A beautiful rendition of my bonce ―

a creation of which broke at least
three of the Ten Commandments.

And I would like to once again
apologise to my neighbour's oxen.

(LAUGHTER)
Tonight's comedic combatants are...

Alice Snedden...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Bree Tomasel...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Jack Ansett...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Jackie van Beek...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...and Pax Assadi.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And beside me, as always,

is a man who would do anything for me
and I would do some things for him,

provided I haven't got
anything else on.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Paul Williams!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

What's our prize task tonight, Paul?
- Tonight we've asked
our contestants to bring in

the thing that will be
their downfall.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh!

- What did you bring in, Jackie?
- I think, let's show the image.

OK, so unfortunately, there's
little contrast in this image,

but, um...
(LAUGHTER)

if you can see, it's a huge 5-litre
bottle of white vinegar.

Um, now I keep it in the laundry,

but I also bring it to the
dinner table and dress the salad.

And it's like every time,
honestly, I do it, I think,

'Oh my God, is it bleach?'
(LAUGHTER)

I feel like the mushroom lady
from Australia.
- (GASPS) Don't point at me!

- No, you've got to take that
on the chin.

- You do have a similar vibe.
- Hey, I am not related to her.

- Bree, what did you bring in?
- I would say my downfall
is going to be this game.

- Oh!

- There's people that know!

I am currently up to level...

12,048.
(AUDIENCE GASPS)

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
No, stop.

Thank you.
- Wow, get your flowers.

- It takes about 10 minutes
per level,

so that means I've spent
83.7 days of my life...

(LAUGHTER)
...has been dedicated to this game
in the last five years.

- Bree's mum is in the audience,
and she's just shaking her head.

- OK, Jack, what did you bring in?
- I brought an printouts of
all my toxic group chats.

Here they are.
- BREE: Whoa!

- If these get out,
it's not just gonna be my downfall;
it's also going to be, um...

Well, I'll show you some screenshots
from the Taskmaster
season six group chat.

'Hi, guys. Can't wait
for the studio filming.

'We should get dinner before
it all kicks off, right?'

You won't believe this.
Bree comes in with,

'Can't wait to get away from
those losers over at ZM'.

What the hell? You animal!
(LAUGHTER)

- I'm gonna sue you.

That's not real!

- Alice then comes in with, um,

'The gender pay gap is real
and should be larger.'

And two love reacts!
- I do stand by that.
I am being paid too much!

- And then Pax went, um,

'TBH, I don't give a (BLEEP) what
the Taskmaster thinks of me.

'Give me one point. Like, I don't
even give a single (BLEEP)'

- I― I don't.
- And, um...

- (CHUCKLES)

- And Jackie's messages, we just
straight up can't show on TV. Yeah.

- Alice, what did you bring in
that's gonna be your downfall?
- In fact, I brought this.

Yeah, that is a cauliflower.

People who know me personally will
know that this is a food that
I am violently intolerantof.

Whenever I eat even just a sliver,
I am out for the count.

And I'll be honest with you,
violent diarrhoea.

And these guys can attest. At the
aforementioned dinner that we had,

Jack ordered cauliflower bites,
and I did not hold back.

- We are not allowed back in
that restaurant.
(LAUGHTER)

- Pax, what did you bring in?
- Honestly, Jeremy, I cannot
say anything about it.

I just have to show you.

(SHOCKED LAUGHTER)

- Oh. (LAUGHS)

- I can't believe you've matched
my skin tone.
(ALICE LAUGHS)

- My last year of high school, uh,
White Chicks is a popular movie.
- Yes.

- And, um,
there was a Halloween disco.

(CHUCKLES) We actually won best
dressed. We won best dressed.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Thank you so much.

And I― In 2025,
I regret doing whiteface,

but also... crack up.

- Well, the whiteface is shocking
a little bit, but it's more the way
that you're biting your bottom lip.

- Yeah.
- BREE: Yeah.

- So how would you
like to score this?

- Alice, one.
- (CHUCKLES)

- Come on.
A cauliflower gives you diarrhoea.
- No, don't look at me.

- That's not gonna―

I've got diarrhoea now!
- Own what you've done.
- And I'm doing the show.

Jackie, two.

- Dammit!
- Bree, two.

- As well?
- Yeah, two.

- Because it's just distraction,
isn't it, ultimately,

which leaves Pax and Jack.
- Yes?

- Both career limiting.

I think Pax says more of
a career to...

(SHOCKED LAUGHTER)
...ruin than you do.

So I think you should get four,
and you should get five, Pax.

- PAUL: OK.

- BREE: I'm so sorry.

- OK. By round of applause,
who knows who I am?

(SILENCE)
OK.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh my God.
- PAX: Oh my God!

(CHORTLES)

- OK, Paul.
- JACK: Wowee.

- Should we get into a task?
- It's time for the Taskmaster
ranch redemption.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Oh. Ooh.

- I didn't do it.

- Where's Paul?

- Here he is.

- PAX: He looks― He looks so good.
- Wow! He looks dashing.

- It kills me that he gets to have
a photo like that of himself.

It's got a code on the back of it.
- Oh, my God, it's an escape room.

- Well, we are in prison,
by the looks of it.

- Look, I love these. Do you?
- Yeah, I like them too.

- READS: 'Bust out of this prison.

- 'Fastest to get outside wins.

- MONOTONOUSLY:
'You may not leave the lab
until you've found the blue key.'

- Do you always read
the tasks like this?
- MONOTONOUSLY: Yes, Pax.

- 'You cannot leave the house until
you found the red key in the study.

- 'Prison guard Paul will be on
patrol. If he catches you awake...

- '...two minutes will be added to
your time. Your time starts now.'

- OK, let's do it. Oh, sorry, guys.
- We're finding the red― blue key?

- So I'm gonna...
- Oh, shit.

OK, this is not gonna work well.

- You sleepin'?

(SNORING)

- Oh yeah. I'll get that out.
We need a combination lock.

- ALICE: So we need a three-digit
code for that one.
And I'm just gonna grab the...

- So sexy when you just handle it
with brute force.

- Oh, it will be written on the desk,
like in school.

- PAX: OK, here we go.
- Oh! Oh!

- 5446.

Down.

(LAUGHTER)

- Oh, they think we're idi―
- You sleepin'?

- JACKIE: I'm thinking about my mum.
(JACK MOANS)

- Back to sleep.
- PAX: I'm asleep.

- OK, he's gone. He's gone.
Let's go, let's go.

- 5446.

Yes.

- BREE: What's that? 'In case.'
- ALICE: The pillow case.

- OK. Yeah, really get in there.
I can't really do much.
I'll just, um...

- Yes! 237.

What have we got?
Oh, a burner― burner phone.

Why won't it turn on?

- Under the bed, perhaps?
Under the bed?

- ALICE: There it is.

- What's that? What is that?
It's a map.

- It's prison guard
Paul's patrol route.

- This is the route he's on.
- OK.

- Is there something down here?
Is it in the soap?

- Is it in the soap?

- Oh yeah?

- Aha!
- Oh!

- (GASPS)

- We found the key!

- (GASPS) (BLEEP).

- PAX: OK, we can leave.
No, no, we have to― Take the map!

- Where'd the map go?
- Down, down, down, down. Bree.

- Wait till he comes to the lab,
then we have them.

- (GASPS) Oh! Mummy.

SING-SONGY: Mummy!
- Get back to sleep.

- Mummy!
- Pax, you're touching my...

- Go.

He's going down the stairs now.

If he doesn't come in here,

he'll go outside for a bit.

OK.

- PAX: So he's gone outside.
- JACKIE WHISPERS: Shh! Quiet!

(APPLAUSE)

- I actually...
I find it fascinating how people,

particularly people
who have less melanin―

I find it fascinating how that
community loves escape rooms.

- Not so big with you?
- Not so big with our community.

Particularly because my dad was
a refugee, and the first 15 years
of his life was an escaperoom.

- You'd think you'd
be great at it then.
(LAUGHTER)

- OK, so they still have to
find the red key in the study
and escape the house.

But so far, Bree and Alice
found the blue key

and escaped their cell in
16 minutes and 51 seconds.
- OK.

- Jackie, Jack and Pax found
the blue key and escaped the
cell in four minutes, 19.

- Ooh!
- Whoa!

- Time now for you at home to
be imprisoned by the shackles
of capitalism.

We'll play some ads, and we'll
see you on the other side.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Kia ora koutou.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Right now, we are right in the middle
of watching our teams escape

New Zealand's least-secure
corrections facility.

Where are we at, Paul?
- So at the halfway point,

the team of three have
a 12½-minute lead.

Now they must find the red key
in the warden's office.

Here they are ― the Jacks and Pax.

- What is the question mark?

- OK. So we need to work out
what this spells maybe.
Let's take the first letter.

- OK, C.
- Ooh, cup or mug?

- Or, or...

(SNORES)
- JACKIE: Mummy!

- Get back to sleep.
- I'm so asleep, baby.

So the question mark
has to mirror that.

- Maybe it's,
what is the question, Mark?

- Is it the amount of letters
in each word?

- Mug, um, three.

Net, ten ― three.

Star, mice ― four.
- Sleep. Sleep.

(SNORING)
- Get back to sleep.

You can do this.

Especially Jackie.

- Jackie,
what do you have that we don't?
- OK, I'm a linguistics expert.

- Yeah.
- That's linguistics. It's letters.

- (BLUBBERS)

- I did do Shakespeare English
in year 13.

So it's not like I'm completely...

- Shall I just call Jesse?
He's really good at this stuff.

- Yes, yes, yes.
- Yes, yes! OK.
- I'll grab my phone.

- Hey, man. What's up?

- Get back to sleep.
- All right.

- Where'd you get a phone?
That's contraband.
- No...

- No.
- (SNICKERS)

- We just wanna take some selfies.

- (EXCLAIMS)

- Star.

Stop.

- Oh! Oh! I've got it! I've got it!
- What did you get?!

What is it?!
- They're backwards!
Mug ― gum. Net ― ten!

- Oh my God!

- Oh my God!
- Pax! Pax.

I'm a genius!
- You're the smartest guy
I've ever met!

(BOTH LAUGH)
- That is brilliant.

- So it's pots.
Pots! The pots up here!

It's up here! (LAUGHS)
- Oh, yes it is.

- It is. It is.
- I'll take that.

- 'Oh, Jack's the weakest link.

'Oh! Oh!

'Jack's gonna let us down!'
- Shh, shh.

- Go, go.

That way. No, no, no. That way.
This way, this way, this way.

Oh, shit.

- Get to sleep.

(PAX GROANS)
- JACK: Oh my God. (SNORTS)

- You sleeping?
- GROANS: Yeah.

- Good sleeping.

- OK, now we're in the clear.

We gotta get out of here.
- JACKIE: Just get to the cars.

- I wanna see my kids!

(LAUGHTER)

(JACK CHUCKLES)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Jack, There was a real moment of
team unity there when you cracked
the code.

- Yep.
- And then you immediately started
rubbing it in their faces.

- Yeah. I want to let everyone know
how long it took our linguistics
expert... to not know the answer.

- But can I also just reiterate
to you,

like, have some grace.
(LAUGHTER)

Every time you get a win,
you turn it and you, like...

- You rub it in our face.
- ...you bat it into― so negative.

We want to love you.
You make it very hard!

- OK, let's talk about some times.
- Yes.

Their total time to get out of the
house was 40 minutes and 32 seconds.
- Oh. Not bad!

- But that's pre the bonuses.

So I caught them awake 14 times...
(LAUGHTER)

...which adds 28 minutes
to their time

for a total of one hour,
eight minutes and 32 seconds.

- Whoo! Yeah.
- Respectable.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, Pax.
- I hate it.

- OK. Who have we got next, Paul?

- Here's 'crimin-Alice'
and 'penitentia-Bree'.

- ALICE: OK.

- Is this a― Is this some sort of,
um, phrase or something?

What looks out of place?

Are those pots always there?

- JACK: Oh, for (BLEEP) sake.

- ALICE: I don't know.

(LAUGHTER)

Red key.
- Red.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- (CHORTLES)

- I always wanted to be
someone's prison bitch.

(INTENSE MUSIC)

WHISPERS: I'm so scared.

I'm so scared.

- Thank you, Bree. Thank you, Alice.

- See ya!
- See ya, Paul!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Bree, is that the most fun
you've had doing a task?
- I honestly had the best time.

- I just got confused cos
it was so easy.

- OK, let's do the scoring.

- The team of two ― they escaped the
house in 22 minutes and 51 seconds.

- How many penalties?
- I caught them awake three times.

(JACK, JACKIE AND PAX GROAN)
- Oh, come on.

- For six minutes added for a total
of 28 minutes and 51 seconds.

- Happy.
(APPLAUSE)

- So the team of two won by
39 minutes and 41 seconds.
- Great time.

- It's nice to see the
positivity too, isn't it?

- Isn't it refreshing?
- That was really refreshing.

I'm going to give you guys
five points for that, cos I think
you brought a good vibe.

- Wow.
- Thank you. Thank you.

- The question is, how fewer points
do you give the team of three?

I feel sorry for them. Give them two.
- That's good!

- Not bad.
- That's good, considering.

Fair. Fair.

- OK. How has that affected
the scores for the episode, Paul?
- It's very tight.

In first equal on seven,

it's Bree and Pax.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- It is a weird feeling
being up there.

- That task, Paul, has not filled up
our allotted time slot.

I think we should have one more,
please.

- It's time to see how
our contestants perform in
the heat of the moment.

(GRAND, QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Paul!
- Bree.

You just woken up.
- No, I have just been regrouping.
- Oh, OK.

- Ow!

- What, you got a nail
through your finger?
- Yeah.

- Why are you smiling so much?
- (CHUCKLES)

Did you believe it at all?
- No.

- Yeah, OK. Waste of time. Sweet.

- Oh, (BLEEP) sake.

- READS: 'Film an extremely
climactic scene.

- 'Most climactic scene wins.

- 'You must use this prop...'

- 'This' being this piece of paper,
I assume.
- No.

- Or the skis?
- The skis.

- (SIGHS)

- 'You have 40 minutes.
Your time starts now.'

- Well, we're off to a good start.

- OK, so immediately my brain goes
to somebody hanging off the balcony

using this holding on while
having an orgasm.

- What's the orgasm bit?
- Well, that's also a climax.

- Oh, OK.
- A lot of people don't orgasm?

- My first thought is,
obviously, sex.

- What if we recreate the moment
at the end of the Titanic?

There's not a more climactic moment
than the big door scene.

- What are the dogs that go
searching in the snow? St Bernard.

So I'm gonna need a St Bernard.
- OK, that might be hard.

- Life is hard, OK?
I'm gonna need a St Bernard.

- I was trying to think of,
like, a big cliff-hanger.

And there is something in my life
that I actually think about quite
frequently,

and I've never resolved it.

And I think maybe if we filmed it
documentary style
and then I resolved it,

then that would be the climax.

(APPLAUSE)

What a cliff-hanger.

- What were you doing with
your finger?

- Oh, just a bit of fun.
(LAUGHTER)

Trying to make him laugh.
Thought it would get
a bigger laugh in the room. Um...

Turns out, big mistake.

- No, that bombed.
- Yeah, it did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(ALICE CHORTLES)

- Let's get into it.
- Her prop was an umbrella.

It's Alice Snedden.

Lovely day on the mountain.

- ALICE:
Yeah. Shall we go for a hike?

- Let's hike up this mountain.

- OK.
Better pack up our umbrellas first.

- Let's walk up the mountain.
It's a beautiful mountain.

- Hey, Kevin.
- Yeah?

- Have you ever thought we could
be more than just friends?

- I've thought about that a lot.

- Kevin?
- Yeah?

- Do you wanna kiss?
- I want nothing more than to kiss.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(WET KISSING)

- Oh my God.
- Whoa!

Whoa!

I― I think it's erupting.
- Oh my God.

Oh, I am erupting.
- Gross.

- No!
- We gotta get out of here.

- I can't go right now.

Oh!

Whoa!

Whoa!

(GROANS)

- Noooo!

The love of my life

killed by the lava

because he was climaxing...

sexually.

- Happy with that?
- Not really.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- So did the guy jizz,
or did the mountain jizz?
- JACK: Yeah.

- Well, isn't that interesting?
Or is the mountain a metaphor?

- I think where it fell down slightly
was the energy of vocal performance.

- Well, we all know that's
not my strength, but you keep
putting me in these positions.

- Can we hear you try and
do two different voices?

- NORMAL VOICE:
Yep. This is my first one.
- Yep.

- NORMAL VOICE: This is my second.
(LAUGHTER)

- OK. Who's next?
- Now to the Swiss Alps,

where the slopes are steep
and the Swiss accents are
undeniably authentic.

Her prop was a set of skis.
It's Jackie van Beek.

- Harry! For God's sake,
where are you?!

- POOR SWISS ACCENT:
Hello there, ma'am.

I'm from Search and Rescue.
How can I help you today?

- I was meant to meet my secret
lover, Harry, here, up on top of
this magnificent alp.

But he's― he's four days late,
and I'm sick with worry.

- There was that terrible
avalanche on Tuesday.
- But all the snow has melted.

I mean, where could he possibly be?

- Well, no,
not all the snow has melted.

There is a small patch at
the bottom of the hill.

- (GASPS) What's that strange beast
sniffing around for down there?
- That's my St Bernard.

- I'm gonna have to go down there.
I'm gonna need to borrow your skis.
- Yes, ma'am.

- OK.

I'm coming, Harry.

I'm coming, Harry!

- Don't go too fast.

- I need a spade.
- Here's a spade.

I'll bring it down.

- OK. (GRUNTS)

Oh God. The snow.

Ohh! (BREATHES SHAKILY)

Harry.

Nooooooooooooo!

(APPLAUSE)

- So, what accent did
you tell Paul to do?

- I told you to do
a kind of pan-Scando,

kind of as you see fit.
- It was more Scottish,
I thought, than Swiss.

- ALICE: Yeah, I thought
it was Scottish.
- Interesting heritage.

- At one point, you dipped
into my Persian uncle.

Accent wise.
(LAUGHTER)

- Well, it's time for what we call
in the business a cliff-hanger.

We'll see you in a moment.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Nau mai, hoki mai.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Before the break,
we saw a man drown in lava
and another man die of frostbite.

Who's bringing us our next
blockbuster climax, Paul?

- The back 90% of your seats
will not be necessary.

For this one, you will only be
needing the edge of your seat.
(LAUGHTER)

His prop was some sunglasses.
Its 'Climax' Assadi.

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

- Paul, have you done it yet?

Have you killed Pax Assadi ―
the employee that I hate so much?

- I can't do it.
- You got to, man.

The only way to get rid of
an employee here in Aotearoa
New Zealand is to kill them.

So you have until
the end of the day.
- Yes, sir.

- Paul! Why are you doing this?
- The boss said I had to.

- Surely you could just let me go.

Not― Not from the balcony,
but just like, legally.

- No. It's some weird rule.
- Paul, I have to tell you
something else.

- What?
- I'm in love with you.

(SOBS)
You don't have to do this, man.

How much do you love this job?
- So much.

- Look at me in the eyes,
or in the glasses.

Look at me in the glasses and tell
me how much you love this job, man.
- I love this job.

- Then I guess that's it, then.

(SCREAMS)

(DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC)

- SOBS: No.

(APPLAUSE)

- Sorry, can I just point out
Pax had done whiteface again?
(LAUGHTER)

I just don't think it was
a very good cliff-hanger.

You should have cut it off before
you hit the ground and leave us all
in the lurch, you know, like...

- The task was not a cliff-hanger.
- PAX: Yeah.

- What?
- It was― It was the biggest climax.
- That's what it means. Climax.

- No, I would say
a cliff-hanger cuts off.
- JEREMY: Yeah.

- The cliff-hanger
doesn't give you the climax.

- I'm working on my nice guy thing.
I'm happy to bow down and
let you guys have this one.

Hope you feel good.
(LAUGHTER)

- Three climaxes down.
Three tragic deaths.

Can we go four in four?
- It's time to get real.

Here is a tragic love story from
Jack Ansett.

(TENSE PIANO MUSIC)

Blood On My Hands ―
The Truth Told At Last.

- Yeah, OK, um...

I'm just gonna, um, message him
and see if he wants to talk. Yeah.

(BLUBBERS LIPS) OK.
'Hey, man. Random message.

'Can I call you

'to confess something

'from school?'

Sent.

You're probably wondering what
this is all about. (CHUCKLES)

I guess I'll just start from
the beginning.

It was year two.

One day at lunchtime,
I was walking into the cloakroom.

Judah Watkinson ― he was drinking
out of his drink bottle.

I walked past him and I...

I smacked the bottle, and
it knocked his tooth out.

There was blood everywhere,
and I ran.

I just ran. I ran outside.
I found my friend Daniel.

I was like, 'What do we do, man?
This is gonna be the end of me.
I'm finished.'

'Look at me, Jack,' he said.
'Look at me. This is
what you need to do.

'You say you were walking through
the cloakroom to the toilet

'and your shoulder accidentally
boofed the drink bottle.

'You're gonna be fine,' he said.

So we go back to class.
We're doing our silent reading,
and eventually, yeah...

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

...Mrs Royal, she goes,
'Can I please speak to Jack?'

I walk outside into the cloakroom.
Judah is there ― blood everywhere.

And Mrs Royal

says, 'Jack, Judah says you
smacked his drink bottle and his
tooth came out. Is this true?'

And I said, 'No.

'He's lying.

'What happened was
I was walking to the toilet and my
shoulder accidentally knocked it.'

And I say, 'If you don't believe me,
ask Daniel.'

And he pulls through. He goes, 'Jack
was walking to the toilet, and his
shoulder boofed the drink bottle.'

Mrs Royal has heard all she needs
to hear, and she says to Judah,

'Stop making things up and
go into sickbay, right now!'

Then she turns to me and says,
'I'm so sorry about all this, Jack.'

And I go back to my classroom,
all my teeth intact,
and carry on with my schooling.

I'm just gonna message him
and see if he wants to talk.

Yeah.

(SIGHS) OK.

Sent.

I can't cover up this blood
with this glove

and take this blood off my hands...

till I hear back from Judah.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- So a slightly different tack here.
We've gone true crime documentary.
- Yeah.

- So the climax would be..?

(LAUGHTER)

- Seems like a cliff-hanger.
- Yeah.

- It's the same thing.
- ALL: No it's not.
- It's completely different.

- Same thing. If that was
the Shortland Street Christmas
cliff-hanger, you would be like,

'I cannot wait for January!'

- Which then we would see
the climax.

- Yeah. You've muddled it all up.
There are courses you can do.

- Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

- South Seas, Unitec.

- Jack's a smart guy,
and so what I think Jack's gonna
turn around and say to us now is,

'Here's the text from Judah.'

- (CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHTER)

I would love that to be the case,
Jeremy Wells.

Judah has not responded
to any communication.
- Yeah, we know why.

- OK, who have we got next, Paul?
- The final contestant to
throw their hat in the ring,

it's Bree Tomasel.

- Climactic.
That's, like, big moment.

- Do you want me to look up
what 'climactic' means?
- Yeah, C-L-I...

- Mm.
- ...M-A-T-I-C.

(GASPS) It's gonna be something
about climate change, isn't it?
- READS: Relating to climate.

- I (BLEEP) knew it.

(CHUCKLES)

I see you love to do this, Paul,
where you make people think that
it's one thing.

And you know what? I actually think
the Titanic scene still works.

(SOBS)

Paul.

I love you.
- Don't you do that.

Don't you start saying
your goodbyes. Do you understand me?

- It's― Paul, it's snowing.
It's getting colder!

- But we're in the Bahamas.
- I know!

That damn climate change, Paul!
Oh, there's hail, Paul!

- Promise me something, Bree.
- Anything, Paul.

- Promise―
- Anything.
- Look at me. Look at me.

Promise that you'll put a Multi on
the Warriors to win the whole thing.

- Of course, Paul. You know
it's gonna be our year, Paul.

Cos soon,
there won't be any years left.

I think it's time to let go.
- No, I can just hold on.

- No, but I think you should―
(GRUNTS) Paul, let go.

Paul!

(LAUGHTER)

Paaaaaauuul!

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

Probably could have fit on here.

There's quite a lot of room. Paul?

Oh, he's gone.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Incredible investigative
work from you again, Bree.

- They're throwin' 'em up,
and I'm just... (CLICKS TONGUE)

- And so you ended up actually doing
your original idea?

- Yeah.
- Made it work.

- Yeah. There was hail;
there was snow.

There was―
What else did we have, Paul?

- There was a lot of references
to the climate, I will say.

- Mine was set in Guam, which
is at risk of rising seas.

- You actually say
'Aotearoa New Zealand'.
- (BLEEP)!

(LAUGHTER)

- Firstly,

Jack made a cliff-hanger.

Even though I thought that
was a great documentary ―
it was really, really good ―

that's one point for you.

Alice, yours was fantastic with
the figurines, but it didn't have
anything to do with climatechange,

so I think it's fair that
you get two.

Pax also didn't have anything to do
with the climate,

but I thought it was quite
a biting satire on New Zealand's
draconian employment law,

so I thought―
- Exactly.
- So he gets three.

Four points for Jackie
because there was mention of
the climate with the skiing.

- Oh yeah.
- And then five points for Bree,
clearly,

because she understood the task.
(APPLAUSE)

- Well done.
- Good job, Jackie.

- We are going to take a break now,
which will give four of our comedians

ample time to second guess
their reading comprehension

for every upcoming task
in the series.

We'll see you in a moment.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where five comedians are trying
to win a cauliflower, some vinegar,
and the ghost of Pax Assadi.

Just to change things up a bit,
I would like a task, please, Paul.

- Sure thing, Jeremy.
Let's cram in one more.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Hi, Paul.

- Hello, Pax.
- Paul 'Walliams'.

- It's Williams.

I'm the nephew of Serena and Venus.

Hello, Alice. Psst!

- Oh. Thanks, Paul.

- Thank you.

- This is a lot of reading.
- Sorry.

- READS: 'During the next task,
you will hear a countdown from 40.

- 'The vase will fall from
the shelf.'

- Oh, OK.

- 'With 29 seconds left, ping-pong
balls will fall from the roof...

- '...and Paul will throw a tennis
ball to you with 25 seconds left.

- 'You will be asked to complete
the maze on the blackboard...

- '...and to spell the word "task"
in semaphore'?

- What the hell does that mean?
'Semaphor-eh'?

You're just making words up.

- The flag alphabet.

- Oh no.

- 'The premier of New Zealand
in 1874 was Sir Julius Vogel.'

What's that got to do with anything?

- Why are you telling me
about the premier?

- What does that have anything
to do with it?

- 'And the second wire from the
right will trigger the confetti.'

- The second wire from the right?

- Well, it depends who's right.

- 'You may not touch anything in
this room until your time starts
during the next task.

- 'You must leave this room in
eight minutes.'
This is really, really hectic.

- 'Your time starts now.'

- Do you understand?
- I can confidently say no.

- This is actual insanity.

- (MUTTERS) No.

- Have you done much semaphore
before?

- Semaphore was my first language.

You know, you go to school,
start speaking English, and
then you just kind of forget it.

- Then I'll come over here. Bang.
And we're done ― whatever this is.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Leave the room, please.
- SIGHS: Oh God.

- (LAUGHS)

- So anxious!

(GROANS)

- (SIGHS)

- Hello, Pax.
- Wazzaah.

- Hello, Alice.

- Oh no. There's another thing.

- It's just the task.
- I thought the last task
wasthe task.

- No, that was just prep
for the task.
- Oh, man.

- READS: 'Stop the vase
from breaking.

- 'Avoid being hit by
the ping-pong balls.

- 'Answer Paul's trivia question.

- 'Spell the word "task"
in semaphore.

- 'Catch the ball when
Paul throws it.

- ALICE: 'Complete the maze on
the blackboard...

- '...and cut the wire that
triggers the confetti.

'You may only cut one wire.'

(SIGHS)

- 'The least mistakes wins.

- 'You have 40 seconds maximum?

- Last line, please.
- No.

- Last line.
- No! Because it's too much
for me to process.

(APPLAUSE)

Oh, that was mad.

- OK, there was quite a lot
to process there.
- Yeah.

So basically a lot of stuff was
gonna happen very quickly,

but we told them what was gonna
happen and gave them eight minutes
to prep for it.

- Yeah. Which I thought was quite
generous of you, actually.

Who are we gonna see first?
- I'm Johnny Knoxville,
and welcome to Jack-Alice.

- This is not gonna be pretty.
'Your time starts now.'

- PAUL ECHOES: 40, 39,

38, 37...

35, 34.

Who was the premier of
New Zealand in 1874?
- Sir Julius Vogel.

- 'Sera-phor-eh'!

Ha! Ha!

Ha!

Ha―!
(PING-PONG BALLS CLATTER)

- 29, 28,

27, 26,

25, 24,

23...

25, 24,

23...
- Caught it.

- Who was the premier
of New Zealand in 1874?
- Vogel! Vogel! Mr Vogel, Paul.

- His full name.
- John Vogel.

- 10, nine...

- Oh my God!

- ...six, five,

four, three,

two, one.

- Gah!
(WHISTLE TRILLS)

(WIRE SNAPS)

- Ugh. That's anti-climatic.

- Are you happy with that?

- It's impossible to say.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- Alice,

from you, clinical use.

- I remember Julius Vogel.
I did the maze expertly.

I saved the vase.
- BREE: You caught the ball.

- I caught the ball.
- JACK: That was great.

- So out of the seven things to do,
she missed the semaphore,
and she cut the wrong wire.

But the rest were correct. So she
got five out of seven correct.

- Wow.
- Wow.

- That's unbelievable.

- And what about Jack?
- Uh, Jack stopped the
vase from breaking.

He dodged the ping-pong balls,
and he completed the maze,
if you're accepting that.

- Yeah.
- Whoa, whoa, what about
the 'sera-phor-eh'?

- You wrote, um, 'vaml'.
(LAUGHTER)

- Who is up next, Paul Williams?
- It's Pax-ie van Breek.

- 'Your time starts...

- '...now.'
- PAUL ECHOES: 40, 39...

40, 39,

38, 37...
(VASE CLATTERS)
- Perfect.

- ...38, 37,

36, 35...

- Oh my God,
it's like the Hunger Games.

- ...33, 32,

31, 30,

29...

- (YELPS)

Ha ha ha!

- (GRUNTS)

- Ah! Oh shit, I've dropped it. No!

- Who was the premier of
New Zealand...

in 1874?

- Uh, Vogel.

- Jo― John Travolta.

- Sir Julius Vogel.

- First name?

- Um, shit.

- ...five, four,

three, two,

one.

...one.

(LAUGHTER)

- (GRUNTS)

(WIRE SNAPS, BANG!)

(WIRE SNAPS, BANG!)

- I did it!

- ..two, one.

(WHISTLE TRILLS)
I've stopped the clock.

(WIRE SNAPS)
- It's the wrong one, eh.

(BANG!)
Aaaaaagh!

- I think that went well.

- And was the confetti in time?
- Yes.

- And the semaphore was in time?
- Yes, it was, in my time.

- I think I gave myself a new
haemorrhoid cutting that wire.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- You gave yourself
anewhaemorrhoid?
- Yeah, to add to the others.

Can I just ask the question?

My semaphores ―
did I actually get two right?

- Yes. You went 'ta'.

Two more, if you went S and K,
then you'd be away laughing.

What was surprising was that Pax
Assadi, whose first language was
semaphore, didn't even try that.

- Didn't feel like I needed to
prove myself in that context.

- So that would mean Jackie and Bree
― both five mistakes out of seven;

Jack and Pax ―
four mistakes out of seven,

and Alice ― only two mistakes
out of seven.
- Wow. Impressive.

- So that's one point
for Jackie and Bree,

three points for Jack and Pax,

and five points for Alice Snedden.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- No, stop it, stop it.

- Right. That's all for part four.

See if you can make a cup of tea,
grab some biscuits,

Fold some washing and squeeze in
a wee during the ads.

We'll see you after the break.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Now, we've just got the one
live task to go.

But before we get to that, can I have
a score update, please, Paul?

- We currently have a three-way tie.

Out in front,
it's Alice, Bree and Pax.

- PAX: Ooh!

- How?!
- Lots to play for, you guys.

Please head up to the stage for
the final task of the show.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

OK, Paul, who's reading
the task tonight?
- Bree.

- ALICE: Take your time.
- 'Make the most unique noise.

'The Taskmaster will identify which
two noises sound the most alike.

'The least passionate of these
two noises will be eliminated.

'Last remaining contestant wins.

'You must make your noise with
your mouth.

'Your noise may not be a word.

'You have five seconds to
make your noise.

'Each round will have a theme
that must inspire your noise.

'For the final round, the two most
similar noises will be eliminated.'

- And can we clarify?
So we're not in teams?

This is just for
the placement of the mics?
- We freaked out, cos we were close.

- No, you're not teams.
- Oh, thank God!
- (GROANS) Oh my God! Thank God!

- OK.
The theme for the first round...

is Wednesday.

Headphones on.

Alice Snedden.

- (YAWNS LOUDLY)

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Bree.

- (WHINNIES, GRUNTS)

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Jack.

- CACKLES: Eeeh-he-he-he-he!
(LAUGHTER)

- Jackie.

- BELLOWS: Ooooooh-ooh! Ooooooh!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Pax.

- (CLICKS TONGUE RAPIDLY)
(LAUGHTER)

- (CHORTLES)

- Jeremy, which two sounds were
the least unique?

- I think it's clearly
Bree and Alice.

- And who was the least passionate?
- Alice.

- You've been eliminated.
(SCATTERED 'AWW'S)

- Well, it's quite hard to
argue with that, isn't it?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Round two's theme ― Romeo.

Bree.

- (MOANS)

(VOCALISES, SIGHS)

- Jack.

- (MUTTERS HOARSELY)

- Enough.
- OK.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Jackie van Beek.

- Ooh! (WHISTLES)

(TWITTERS)

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Pax.

- (GRUNTS)

(LAUGHTER)

- Its Bree and Pax.

And Pax is the least passionate,

cos the other two were
completely original.

So Pax is eliminated.

(LAUGHTER)

- You have been eliminated.
- AUDIENCE: Awwww!

- For the final round,
the two least unique sounds
will both be eliminated.

- Understood.
- The theme is cow.

Bree Tomasel.

- (BLOWS LOUD RASPBERRY)

- (CHUCKLES)

- Jack Ansett.

- (VOCALISES DEEPLY, COMICALLY)

(CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, regrets.
(LAUGHTER)

- Jackie van Beek.

- (BELLOWS)

(NEIGHS)

(TWITTERS)

(JEREMY SNICKERS, LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Headphones off, please.
- Headphones off?
- Yes, please.

(LAUGHTER)

(JEREMY LAUGHS)

Jeremy, whose two sounds were
the least unique?

- Bree...

and Jackie.
- Oh my God!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Well done, everyone.
Come on down and we'll score it.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Sit on down, everyone,
and let's score that live task.

- So, one point for Alice.

Two points for Pax.

Three points for Bree and Jackie.

And five points for Jack Ansett.
(APPLAUSE)

- There you go.

So, Paul, where does that leave
the scores for the episode?

- With a one-point win on 16 points,
the winner of episode four

is Bree Tomasel!
- What?!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Congratulations on winning a
truly horrible collection of items.

Please go up and collect your fellow
contestants' impending dooms.

So, what have we learned this week?

We've learned the difference between
a climax and a cliff-hanger.

And we've learned that when
you're breaking out of prison,
less people is more.

But most importantly, we've
learned that the winner of
this episode is Bree Tomasel!

Thank you so much for watching.
We'll see you next time.

- Yah!

- Oh shit!

- (GRUNTS)

Yah!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Yum!
- JACK: Jesus!

Jesus! Jesus Christ!

- Yah!

You know what I love, Paul?

I love a montage.

Cue montage.

- Aaaah!

- (GROANS LOUDLY)

- (GASPS)

- I don't think this is possible.

(SHRIEKS)

- PAX: Aaargh!

- That was the most successful
moment in the history of this
(BLEEP) show!