Original subtitles

There's a war going on every night in Hollywood.

Boys trying to get laid.

And girls trying to get paid.

Now most bachelor parties suck.

Just a bunch of drunken dudes huddled around a skanky stripper.

But this one was the shit.

And all because of this guy, Johnny Eyelash.

Hold on, look.

There you go.

This

is a

story of love and romance.

And what could be more romantic than whores on all fours with sticks poking

out of their asses?

I'll tell you what.

Nothing.

But it wasn't always like this.

Oh, no.

Come on, let's get the fuck.

Uh, no, I can't. I gotta get up for work.

But you're going to take me home, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to take you home.

You're not going to tell your friends about this, are you?

Nope. And you better not tell nobody either. Well, it looks like you're about

to tell all every goddamn body.

There's a certain type of woman in L.A. From here on out, we'll call them the

enemy. The law is on Paige's side.

The injury was sustained at work, thus your responsibility.

But she was drunk!

So what?

There are very specific rules. We won't be able to get any girls to work here

for months. You know we can do it. If love is a battlefield, then this is the

front line.

Wait, what are you guys fighting about?

Who the hell are you guys? She went home with my Tuesday and Thursday, and I

really liked him. She was still fucking working. You're fighting over a

customer? And you know what? This really isn't any of your fucking business, all

right? I know, but can we talk, please?

What?

email account of course i do what do you think i am nothing you

girls are fighting over a guy who most likely couldn't care less about either

one of you except for to stick it in she started it what is his name sean last

name um i don't know but i know he works at the beauty bar oh

look Here we go, Sean. Six foot one, sour milk breath. Yeah, that's him.

Three stars in bed.

Like the restaurant system?

No, sweetie, out of ten.

Yeah. Oh, look, HPV. Yeah, that's him.

What?

That motherfucker.

Ooh, let me see.

Oh, my God. How do you know all this stuff?

We were just so over the lying, the games, the cheating.

So we started a group with our friends to look out for each other.

Wow, this thing is amazing.

understand but it doesn't yeah no i get it i get it i was walking home from the

bar and i see this chick sitting at the bus stop and she wasn't the hottest but

it was okay for that time of night anyway we get to talking before you know

it she's coming home with me and i see this big plastic bag with all her stuff

in it she's a vagabond She's put in the hole and homeless.

Yeah, but I wake up and she's checking her email. I mean, that makes sense. I

mean, where else is she going to check her email? She ain't got no wireless

internet in the bushes.

Wait.

I think I'm going to be sick.

That is our database.

And any time one of us meets a guy, we put all of his information in there.

Okay, but what for?

We used to be just like you two, young and innocent.

Right now, you're prey for guys like him. He doesn't care because there's so

many girls in Hollywood, there's no accountability.

But organized and together, idiots like him, they don't stand a chance.

So it's like a trade union for hot chicks?

We got a smart one here, Wendy.

Exactly. Give it a try. Go out there right now and do a double act. See what

happens. Oh, I don't know. Go ahead. Go.

What about you, bro? What happened with that chick, dude? She was fine.

Oh, yeah, man. I was outside with her and her friend, right? Oh, no. The

busted one? Yeah, yeah, the busted one.

And, um, you know, she was getting a text from some dude, and then she just

broke out, and I was there with the friend, and she said she lived around

the corner, and I was... Really? Yeah, man, I was... I was toe-up drunk, man. I

said, fuck it.

Yeah, man, I mean, she did have some nice tits, though.

Bro, we have got to do better.

Hey, bro, when you take thingy home, can you take this one home, too? Maybe hit a

drive-thru? Oh, yeah, man, I got you.

But we leaving now.

Oh, hey, nice to meet you. Hope everything works out OK.

Hey. Hi.

Yeah, man, I got to take these hoes home, man.

Oh, shit.

Man, that's my neighbor, Johnny Eyelash, man. Come home with two bomb chicks

right now. He got more game than a pheasant hunt. Let's go.

Man, he gonna clown me when he see me with these girls. Cool out. Who is that?

We gonna go in a second.

See me out.

Now flash the cash. Four titties and the price of one. Dig deep, gentlemen. Dig

real deep.

You were late for work a minute ago. Yeah.

What's all this clowning business?

Hey, man, I'm going to call you back, man.

We can all leave now, or I can pull the fucking fire alarm on my way out.

All right, fine.

Would y'all chill out? Relax, man. Y'all ain't got nowhere to be.

Oh, my God. We got 20.

I want to join your club. I want to join your club. Me too. What's it called? The

name is TOB.

TOB? Just come on Saturday and you'll see. Okay.

Where's your crap car?

I'm really hungry.

What are you going to ask for?

My mouth tastes like art.

I fucking hate that guy.

Just give her your apple. Tell her she's pretty. She'll be fine.

Whoa, those cheeks are busted.

That gives a whole new meaning to the phrase walk of shame, huh?

Hey, lady.

Yeah. Matt.

What's up, man?

Got your hands full, huh, lover boy?

Yeah.

Hey, later, man. Here.

Uh, this should get you, um, wherever you're going.

Five bucks?

Really? Yeah. Uh, okay. How about this?

Vienna sausages?

Really? Um, yeah.

They're non-perishable.

No, I just mean... Fuck you.

All right.

Uh, email me.

What the

fuck's

up with your hair today? Oh, you're talking about my shit, man. Just tell me

what happened earlier. Oh, anyway, so these two chicks come in, right? Fucking

smoking. Big fake tits, you know. And, uh, you know, I'm busy.

But how can I resist?

Yeah. But as soon as they left, I get this feeling I've been chumped.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, they're trying to pull one over on me. Like, they're not really into me.

Like, they're pretending.

Yeah.

You know, so later, I'm printing up the T-shirt.

It all starts to make sense. We hold these truths to be self-evident that all

men are created assholes.

I mean, it's like they can see right through us. Now they have, what, man

-hating clubs?

Oh, my God!

Jesus,

watch where the fuck you're going! Man, I'm so sorry, brother. You okay, man?

No, I'm not okay.

Smells dank in there, man.

I got you.

We cool?

What is it, a fucking bag of weed? Are you kidding? How about you call a

fucking ambulance? You don't need to concern the authority.

That's nearly half an ounce. Come on, man. What can I do? Let's make this

right. How about you let her come rub it better?

Do me a favor. Dude, he's always with the bomb chicks.

Maybe we can get him to introduce us to some. Shit, or maybe show us even how

you get some of those chicks. Calm down.

That's right over here, yeah.

Hey, man, I know how you can help us out.

All right, name it.

Why don't you teach us how to get with chicks like that?

Seriously? Yeah.

All right.

Why don't you guys come by later, and we'll figure it out. And just like that,

Johnny out-ass agreed to be our drill instructor.

Come on, baby.

Which is good. Man, your ass ain't even hurt, man. Because across town...

Congratulations to the females of the DOB of America.

I wish it can.

Manipulation with hot vibes.

Irresistible with luxury for just us. That's all.

Okay, first, welcome everyone and a special hello to our new prospects,

Yvonne and Courtney.

Hi.

We really hope that you're going to like what we're about. And a big kiss to

Lyric. who, as of last week, is a full tassel sister.

So what? You guys can't get girlfriends?

We don't want girlfriends.

We want to bang hot chicks like you.

I'm listening.

And plus, man, we made a pact in high school. Yeah, when we were 15.

Oh, my God.

Man,

when we get older, we're going to bang chicks like that all the time.

Definitely.

I mean, we do okay with the average chicks, but those, like, super-duper

bomb Hollywood chicks, man, man, they don't even fuck with us. Yeah, they

ignore us, man. Or make jokes.

Man, it's not getting any easier, man. Take a look at this.

T.O.B. Club.

I've heard about this.

See, women are naturally more devious.

But it's that bitchiness that usually divides them and gives us guys an angle.

Dude, you should have seen the tits on the girls that left out with me.

Now they're getting organized.

Doesn't bode well. Regular guys like you don't stand a chance.

That's why we need your help. Dude, come on, just pass on your wisdom. You gotta

help us out, man.

What does bode mean? Look at these freaks. Come on.

All right, boys, relax.

Jesus.

All right, let me tell you something about these hot chicks you're so scared

of.

All right, boys.

Your average Hollywood babe.

Nice, right?

You take away the hair, the implants, the lipo,

the crappy shoes, cute little dress.

Oh, and the makeup.

And this is what you're left with. Not particularly attractive.

Not that smart.

Not that interesting.

Basically, someone in your own league.

That's the way you gotta think about them, guys.

I swear to God, before long, you'll be a goddamn human shish kebab.

Dude, that's harsh.

I swear, it's as if you hate them.

Man, I don't hate them.

Any more than a lion hates a gazelle.

I had my heart broken once. Come on, Gwen!

Smash into little pieces.

We can make this work.

All I need is a chance. Don't do this.

I pulled myself together.

And now, I just don't give a shit.

Come on, don't go, man.

I love you, Wendy.

Okay, cool. Why do you have a little girl's doll?

Who the fuck cares?

Will you please help us? Hey, look.

I'll help you guys, but you got to do what I say exactly when I tell you to do

it. No questions asked. I'm out.

Come back next week and bring your laptop.

Oh, wait. I don't got a laptop, man. I forgot that dialogue hit that.

You got a laptop? Yeah.

You got a laptop?

Yeah, it's really nice. All right, well, get the fuck out of here. I can share

off yours. No, share off his, dude. I got Adele. Get the fuck out of here.

So, to business.

Gretchen, how's your refinance going? Okay, well, the guy came over the other

day and took me to lunch.

Uh, we got a little too drunk. We didn't finish the paperwork. I know, but don't

worry. I didn't do anything.

Okay, ladies. Now this database only works if we keep it updated.

So did anybody have a date this week? I met a guy.

What was his name?

Eden. Isn't that your other boyfriend's best friend?

Yeah, he hit on me yesterday just because I was sunbathing topless by his

pool. Oh, such a pig. I know.

You know what? We will use that against him.

Anyone else?

Yes, ma'am.

There's a big, huge hairy spider.

It crawled into my closet, and I haven't been able to find it. I haven't been

able to go into my closet for like a week. I've been buying all of my clothes

brand new because I'm scared of it. That's easy. I'll send Ange.

Ange!

Yes, Wendy? Go.

Now? No, tomorrow. Go.

How about our new girls? Anything you girls need? Like what?

Anything.

Um... Okay, well, my shower keeps dripping, and it's kind of growing mold

in there. I mean, I clean it, but... I'll send Ansh over.

How much is that going to cost?

Look, lady, we just say our hot girlfriend and shower in the same

sentence.

Cool, thank you. And what about you, Yvonne?

I'm cool.

Really? I think so.

I mean, this all seems a bit cold-hearted.

You like to fucking party, don't you? Yeah.

A lot.

Those are marketable skills.

And completely tax-free, sweetie.

I never really thought about it like that.

I guess you're right.

Thanks, Johnny.

Bye, Sarah.

I'll see you next week, all right?

Dude, you are like the king.

It's just work. Work? What do you do? I'm in pharmaceutical sales.

You a drug dealer?

No, I'm a sales rep.

For, among other things, Kila Coat.

It's an ointment that women use after they get boob jobs. It heals the scar

tissue. Wait a minute. You get paid to rub cream on women's titties, Joe?

Yeah. I really am a boob inspector.

Oh, my God.

Come on in, guys.

Man, what kind of benefits a job like that got?

Well, that's tight.

Oh,

man. Flame, man. They got some flea pussy on here.

Yeah, but that's not the deal. We could have done this ourselves.

Oh, dumb shit.

These online dating sites are a great way to learn about women and the games

they play.

Hey, girl.

Look what I got.

Dogs are controlled by their basis motives.

Eat, sleep, and copulate.

Does that sound familiar?

They call themselves dogs.

So pathetic.

They would spend their whole life, car, job, and being just trying to squirt.

Yeah, but look at this shit. I like cuddling, soft kisses, animals, walks on

the beach, dining, a nice man, sincere.

Kind. This shit makes me sick.

Why? Some of that stuff is cute.

Okay, wine tasting.

That means she likes to get fucked up.

Dining. That means you take her out to dinner.

What, vacations?

You think she's paying for these vacations?

Do you remember when you were younger and you thought that if you were really

nice to a guy, he'd be really nice back?

Yes. Oh, my God, I did everything for him. I mean, I really treated him well.

How'd that work out for you? He slept with my sister.

And my best friend.

Hey, dude, check out the friend. Yeah, dude, she's fine.

Yeah, she is fine.

But take a close look at all these photos. You notice anything?

A lot of them aren't full body shots.

Right. And they're taken from high angles, too.

Yeah, lots of them are wearing baby doll dresses. Oh, yeah, look at that.

Why do women wear baby doll dresses?

Because it hides their fat asses. See all these pictures?

They're all trying to trick you in some way. The personal ad is a great way to

understand the true nature of women.

You're beginning to get an idea of how deceitful the average girl is.

We don't care about the average girls.

I want you to separate out all the hotties, and that's who we need to focus

on. The trick is to get them all excited, but if you want to see them

again, leave them wanting more. Really? Oh, yeah.

Okay, the next time you bring a guy home, I want you to get off for him. I

mean, make a huge show, porn style.

Ew!

Oh, but don't let him put it in. And then when you're done, leave without

giving him your number. Would that work?

Of course. The rejection plays on their insecurities. And we all know that all

men really care about is... Thank you.

They would sit around ogling us all day long if they could.

Oh, man, she was made to get laid.

You guys check this out. 27 levels of compatibility.

Is her ass compatible with my dick?

What the fuck is a cupid school, man? Just show me your titties. Right.

That's what men are designed to do. Get with attractive women.

Now, look at what they say. First, no players. If you're looking for a hookup,

then move on, mister.

Then why the fuck is she standing in front of a Ferrari with her tits out?

Right. It's to get you all riled up.

And check it.

I'm looking for a guy who's kind and loyal and spiritual and...

Caring and ambitious.

Ambitious?

Doesn't really fit, right? The one common word in all the hotties.

You know, generous seems to crop up the most. Yeah, I'm getting generous a

bunch, too. Here's another one right there. Right, right.

But you can't be generous if you don't have cash. You know, the women we're

after are money-grubbin' hoes.

Goddamn right.

We know from caveman times that a man is genetically predisposed to be faithful

for a maximum of three years.

because that's how long it takes for an infant to learn how to walk. Then they

leave the cave and the mother to go spread their seed far and wide. It's

just human nature.

So forget about that fairy tale, growing old together.

I love fairy tales.

Look, we don't have seeds to spread, but we do have legs.

Exactly.

I mean, you guys are all...

Cool and hipster looking.

What, you in a band?

Yeah, we got beats.

Yeah, like creepy beats. You know, it's kind of like a goth vibe with, you know,

hip hop. Yeah, like Bauhaus means bow wow.

Like more pale.

All right, great.

With a hint of C&C music factory.

Unless you're Freddie fucking Mercury. All that conventional wisdom about being

in a band, getting you laid, doesn't apply with these chicks.

And these chicks were getting dicked over by band dudes.

When you were still popping zits on your history homework.

That's you, buddy.

And they don't give a shit about your gig and your creepy beats.

So look, go get your hair cut.

Go see my tailor. He'll get you guys all sorted out. We'll get started. Wait,

tailor? Is this going to be expensive?

Yeah, it's going to be expensive.

That's kind of the point.

And this thrift store shit?

And these ironic t-shirts?

She's not going to cut it. What's with those glasses? Do you even need those

glasses? No, they're not for seeing. It's for the look. Yeah, but they're

stupid.

And take out that fucking nose ring.

Jesus, you look like an idiot.

And by giving a little bit to a few different guys, if it's done with class,

a woman can easily support herself.

And the richer the guy, the bigger the payoff. I never really thought of it

like that.

Okay,

I'm so in. Where do we meet these guys?

Al, Gretchen, why don't you take the new girls out and show them how it's done?

Yeah!

I don't have any cash.

Well, you got a credit card, don't you? Yeah, my mom's. Well, charge it. Look,

you got to at least look like you could throw down some cash, all right? But

I've been trying to save up, man. I'm paying off my student loan. Look,

Dingleberry, you don't have to be rich. You just have to look rich.

Look, man, I thought you were just going to give us some tips, man. We spent all

this money.

Nigga, I'm broke.

Are you okay, Yvonne?

Is there anything we can help you with?

Not really.

Anything you're uncomfortable with?

Anything you want to change about your body?

No. Why?

It'd be so much more effective if you just got some boobs.

I like my boobs. I know, dear.

But they'll change your life.

Lock it in. You got it locked in? Now put some pressure on it.

That's it. You want to cut off the circulation to his brain.

That's good.

Thanks a lot, Joey.

Yeah, no problem, guys.

Hey, nice shoes, guy town. Very pretty.

Baggots. Come on, man. Is this the only reason you called us down here was to

make fun of us? No, not the only reason. I got your message about last night. I

think I can help. Now, what happened?

It went pretty good. You know, we got to the Velvet. You know, we met the chicks.

We was buying them drinks. They was filling our new fly gear and shit.

And my hair. Yeah, we even defended them from this dude who tried to snake in.

Yeah, man, but when it came time to close the deal up, man, this dude

invited them to some jacuzzi party in the hills, and they all broke out. Yo,

what did you expect?

They were going to be like, no, let's go back to my place and fuck.

It probably wasn't even a party, but the dude had a plan.

What are you going to do?

You're going to tell them you want to have a photo shoot at your studio after

the bar closes. Will they go for that? Yeah, of course.

Look, they spend a lot of money to look good, so you kind of got to play to

their vanity.

Okay, but where are we going to take them? I don't know, man. You'll figure

something out. Hey, John, let's get the fuck out of here. Well, what about a

camera? No, I've got a camera. Good, but you're going to need to get a Polaroid,

too.

Polaroid, man. I don't make that shit no more.

Johnny, get the fuck out of here, man. It doesn't matter.

You said you'd do what I tell you, right? Trust me. All right, man.

What the fuck is that patch on your shoulder?

It's the fleur-de-lis. It's cool. No, it's not cool.

Get the fuck out of here. Bye, ladies.

So Johnny told us to get back on the horse.

But I thought he said whores.

Yeah, I'm up and coming now. I love your outfit.

Oh, it's so old.

You want to come back to my buddy Aaron's studio and have a photo shoot?

A photo shoot?

Are those real?

That sounds like fun.

I guess you'll just have to find out.

Maybe. Oh.

You're a photographer. Are they professional?

Well, yeah, I guess.

Don't worry about it. Let's do it. You got some booze back at the office,

right? Yeah, yeah, a little, a little. Ooh, we could get some shots together.

Yeah, let's go party. Come on.

This is our backdrop.

Like, usually we have, like, mountains and lakes and things like that, Indians

in the background, but we're on a tight budget now.

Get those up against each other.

Okay, just like little chicken strips. There you go.

Let me get them, like, lower to the right, Phil. Lower to the right. All

right, now you're a tiger.

Tigers. Oh, yeah.

Now, you, Jaguar, you are leopard. Okay, all right.

Man,

that shit was crazy. So many titties, I just wanted to run down and go... Nice.

Man, it was fucking titsville.

So who'd you end up with, Aaron? I ended up with a blondie, Courtney.

She's so cool. Dude, I nearly made out with that Asian chick.

Yeah, man, and I was snuggling up with some of the firmest, smallest little

titties you ever want to put your head up against.

Wait, nearly made out with snuggling?

What, are you guys in junior high?

Okay, wait, none of you got laid out of this?

Christ, you brought him back, you got him fucked up. What happened? We didn't

have any booze. Yeah, I broke out my vaporizer, but... Okay, no booze? Why

not? What is this, amateur hour?

And what, a vaporizer? Oh, dummy, I use vaporizer. Of course you do, sweetheart.

I like...

It's great for wasting weed.

No. No, no, no, no. You don't do it right. You have to suck hot.

I suck hot. I suck so hot. You know I suck good. Yeah, I know you do,

sweetheart. You're so bad.

You're bad.

You're bad.

Max, what are you doing smoking a blunt for? What?

I thought you said it was cool to smoke it. Hey, Claudia.

Time for my medicine.

I mean, look at this shit.

This is cold sore chronic.

Yeah, I don't want your hepatitis. Thank you very much.

Thank you, Claudia.

I use a carbon nut.

You grind it up fine, the water cools the smoke, and the carbon traps the gun.

Here, check it.

Black smoke in.

White smoke out.

Monster hit.

No coughing. I'm telling you, this is how you get her properly stoned.

Thanks, Claudia.

Oh, man, that's tight. All right, well, next time. No, no, no, no next time.

Look, late night weed is only going to get her hungry or tired.

Or paranoid.

Well, what are we supposed to do?

Weed is for daytime.

Coke is for nighttime. Yeah, man, but we don't really do coke. I do.

This way. What?

Yeah, well, you do now, man.

You're a big boy.

It's not like I'm asking you to shoot up in your eyeball. I think you can handle

it. Okay, Johnny, all done. You like?

I like.

Thank you. Okay, now I have to rest her board.

Okay, go, go, go, go, go. I have to rest the board.

Man, these clothes, coke, turning into Hollywood douchebag.

Hey, man, that's how we're going to get that Hollywood tail, man. Right on. The

male G-spot. Isn't that a dick?

No, it's his taint.

It's what you see in the slug of the turkey gobble.

or drugs or anything.

Oh, I know a guy we can buy some drugs from. Oh, sweetie.

We're the reason white guys buy drugs. And it's not just drugs.

Being hot is really expensive.

Every penny counts.

Wendy, show her the scale.

A bag of weed and a ride to the airport is down at the bottom.

You flash him, you let him jerk off.

And some coke or a bottle of Xanax and they might get a handjob.

Shoes over 500 bucks and they might get laid.

If you like the guy.

strip of shoes, and they might get to suck a nipple and beat off.

Now, if it's a day at the spa, that could be a blowjob. Or if they help you

move, that could be one too. Okay, but that's only if you're in the mood to

suck cock.

Of course.

What is it, Courtney?

Um, I don't know. It's kind of like we're prostitutes.

What's your point?

Hey, private party.

On. Back in your room, where you belong. Go.

Look, girls, it's not an even playing field.

When was the last time you heard about a guy who was trying to juggle a career

and a family?

I mean, right now, you're cute and young.

Thanks. But you're going to have to spend to keep up the hotness as you age.

How much is that?

A lot. And unless you want to end up as a stretch mark single mother with a

wasteoid husband who's in a band who can't pay child support or alimony, you

better get that money. I'm going to tinkle.

That's what the TOB club is all about.

How do you think Wendy got us our house?

I don't know. How?

Well, she was working at this tech firm, and she started sleeping with the owner.

As we all do.

And I think he liked her, and they became real close. I think he even loved

her. Oh.

But he was old, and he was Jewish.

Oh. Yeah.

Bobby?

Yes, it does. Yeah, yeah, sure.

Nice, nice.

No, look.

Not now.

Well, Avi, you have so much money, you should just buy me a house.

I'm not buying you a house.

With a down payment, at least. I could get roommates to pay for the mortgage.

Well, I would appreciate.

Market's up.

Maybe. And it'd be in my name, right? Don't be ridiculous.

It'd be in my name.

I buy you enough stuff already. But you promised after a year you'd buy me a

house. No way did I say that. Yes, you did. You promised.

No way. I'm not buying you no house.

You, you asshole liar.

Fuck you. No.

My blood.

You fucking little bitch. I'm not buying.

Two DUIs who've been sexually harassing me at work. I'm sorry, officer.

She pulled my hair, so I beat the shit out of her. Give me that.

Give it.

Give it. Give it. I'll scream. Go ahead.

Scream. It's swelling up.

You know I'm a model. How am I ever supposed to work again?

I'm going to lay the hand on you. Oh, yeah. Let's see what the judge has to

say about that. What do you mean, let's see what the judge says? I never touched

you. Yes, you did, you bastard.

Oh, man. Forget with the pictures. I didn't touch you. I'm going to call the

cops.

out my checkbook. I'm going to write you the check. Good. You should.

Now you get your stuff, you pack it up, and you get the fuck out of my house.

Sign it.

Here's your check.

It was a measly hundred grand just to get rid of you. You spiteful little

cunt.

Well, they came up with a happy solution and they both got what they wanted.

As we all should.

place it down over the shaft and gently nibble off.

Okay, who wants to help?

Uh, Zira can paint.

Come on.

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it!

Do it!

Yeah, it looks like a little baby glacier.

Yeah, they call it a fish scale, like when it glistens, you know? Man, if I

start selling shit, then I can actually rap about it. Yeah, ribbity rap, rap,

rap about it. Dude, we may not even have to sell it. That girl Gretchen called

me. She wants to get some of this. Thinking I might get some of that.

Look at this little rock coat. It looks like a baby glacier.

I might give you something if you hit me on the pager. Hit you up later.

Oh, I'm on to some shit right here, right?

I hate it.

You need to stop hating, because you can't rap. I'm not. Why am I a hater all

of a sudden?

Don't worry, Yvonne. You'll get the hang of it. But first, we have to fix these.

I'm fine with them the way they are. I know, sweetie.

But did the doctor call? Yeah. We're supposed to go out next week, but what

do I do?

It's easy.

He's a dog, so just throw him a bone.

He did both of ours and Elle's.

What size would I get?

Size doesn't matter, sweetie.

Mine are relatively small.

Mine are big. But we don't discriminate here.

Guys like girls with implants, and we didn't get them done to put them away.

So when is your date?

Day after tomorrow.

Okay, so go out to dinner with him and let him talk about how great he is and

laugh at all of the stupid jokes.

Oh, oh, oh, it hurts, it hurts.

Well, Mrs.

Ponick, I think he got broken fingers.

He's going to invite you back to his place. Do I go?

Of course.

You're a mouth killer.

It's $8,000 otherwise, per tata.

Say something about his car.

Oh, they love their cars.

Oh, my God.

I love your car, by the way. It is so hot.

So where are we going?

How about your place?

And then?

And then, I'd love it if you... And give him something to look forward to.

Like all over my face and lips.

Oh, baby, that's so hot.

Ew, do I really have to do it?

Of course not.

But you want to keep his head in the game. Every man has something that

drives him crazy.

Dr. Eugene is a neat freak.

Metrosexual, but like too much, you know?

He's a clean freak in the truest sense of the word. But use that against him.

Make a mess, bend over, and clean it up. He'll be wet soap in your hands.

It is so hooked up. And I love the way you decorated the place, too. I mean, it

is so neat.

I like beautiful things.

And it is so clean, too. I mean, look at this table. You could practically do

operations off of it.

Only my thoughts are dirty, my dear Yvonne.

Except for this. I mean, it looks like your knob is a little dirty. Here, do

you mind if I just polish your knob?

A knob cannot be too shiny in my book.

Uh, yeah, well, I love to clean, too. I'm a bit of a freak about it, actually.

Hope that's okay.

Look at this mess.

Why don't I help you out and clean this for you?

Let me see how this feels. Ooh.

I like that.

Yeah.

I use the hose attachment.

It's my cutie pleasure.

I'm sure you do.

Oh, look at that dirty glass.

Let me handle that for you.

That's amazing.

Okay, well, I don't want to get my dress wet, so I'm just going to take it off.

Wow.

You are so beautiful.

Almost perfect.

Well, with a little shape in here and there.

Really? Because I'm pretty happy with how I am naturally. They always look so

fake. Oh, not if I do it. I'm the best.

Latest technique, tiny incision, no bruising at all.

All right, I'll think about it. You are going to love it.

Right now, I'd love a drink.

Oh, you will have that.

Hang on, I can't wait for you.

Here we go. And then just seal the deal.

No, I should probably get going now. Oh, please be.

I drop you in the morning.

No, I should probably go now.

Before you go, do you mind if I... What?

Take a bite out of the crank?

Yeah.

Go ahead.

Do you mind if I touch myself?

Why don't I help you out with that?

Let me get my pants off.

They're so clean. I know how you like that soap. There we go.

You like that?

Yeah. Can I see you again?

Maybe.

Gary,

I don't care.

You're a rabbit.

But if I see you again, we'll definitely be cleaning your bedroom.

Bedroom? Dirty bedroom.

Dirty bedroom. Come on, track me from my side.

Dr. Eugene.

So,

how much is it?

Two grams, 100.

Well, I don't have the whole hundred.

But I have these.

I accept those.

All right, remember what Johnny Allen said, divide and conquer.

So it was pretty good, huh?

Yeah, it was okay.

So do you have work tomorrow?

No. Well, not until 6 p.m. Okay.

Do you want to get out of here? We can share a cab.

No. Let's go back to your place and party.

Awesome. Okay.

So you want to go back to my spot or leave these little birds to do their

thing?

Do you have any more at home?

Yeah, I got a grip.

Okay. But no funny stuff.

I know.

It's positive thinking, you know? There's this one girl, Carly. She always

walks around with a black cloud over her head.

It's like, but then she watches The Secret, and I watch The Secret with my

friend Tiesto. You know Tiesto is, right?

Huge DJ.

At all the parties.

I don't like that Atkins dies. That's too many rules for me. My big thing,

juicing. You want to hear the recipe? Here it is. This is what I use.

I use kale.

I use Swiss chard. A little ginger. You know what I'm talking about? And my

doctor, he's like, you can't use sugar.

Yeah, this one, this is when I was in France. Really awesome trip. You see,

this guy is pretty good looking, huh? So good in bed. Yeah, but he's a bit

boring. Hell yes. I know exactly what you're saying. Hey, you got any more

blow? Nah, you did it all. Can I do the last line for the road?

Uh, yeah. Uh, I was wondering, uh, before you left, if you wouldn't mind if

I just look at you and beat off to you? I said no funny stuff. I

mean, I know you said that, but you know...

We started looking at the modeling pictures and... Look, I even do it over

here. Okay, fine.

All right, come on.

Give me a little bit of encouragement.

Oh.

You are amazing.

I know.

Now I'm going to get my fuck on.

Is this going to take much longer? Can you show me your nipple?

God.

Oh, yes.

That'll do.

It's getting light outside. I hate that. Do not get any of that on me. All right.

All right, that's it.

Yeah, it better be it, because I'm about to take off in a minute. Look, will you

just stop talking?

Damn. Don't get pissy with me.

I'm doing you the favor. Anyways, I'm getting cold.

Look, can you just show me a little piece of your ass? Just the top, Ethan.

I swear I'll come quick. God.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, thank you. Can you please hurry up? Taking too long. Yeah, you

better, because I'm about to get out of here, okay? I gotta walk my dog. Shit's

all over my kitchen now.

Oh, my God.

What the fuck?

You asshole.

You know what? We keep track of this shit. You're never...

I had to whip out my dick and chew gin smack random.

Absolutely.

She drank you out of house and home.

She did all your gear.

And then you had to listen to her stupid stories all night.

Hey. Hey, Johnny.

So what about you, Glenn? Oh, dude, it happened just like you said it would.

She didn't want to pay for it. And before you can say $3 Coca-Cola, I'm

chewing on her tits like a six-month-old baby.

Next patient, please.

All right, that's us, guys. Come on.

Mmm, that's nice. Let me have a quarter. You got it.

Can we get some?

No, Dick Shine. This is only if you're sick.

You gotta get yours the old-fashioned way.

Outside. Come on, man. You ain't sick, man. You know I want some of this shit.

Here.

So, Aaron, how'd your Coke-scapade go?

Man, fuck Coke.

You know?

Honestly, we had a great night last night. This morning, we woke up and I

made her breakfast. We had a lot of fun. Dude, she's a really good girl.

You know what? I think I'm going to ask her to be my girlfriend.

Why would you do that?

You're already fucking her. And you know what? She's not all money-grubbing.

Yeah, maybe not yet, but I used to be just like you. All wide-eyed and in

love.

It's over.

Come on, Wen. Please.

Don't go with this boo.

You like my hair and my shoes, but how am I supposed to pay for it with your

stupid lyrics?

Jesus, Wen. I'm sorry, okay?

Come on. Get a job, dickwad. Fuck you, queer burger.

Wendy. Wendy. Come on, man.

I don't talk about that anymore.

Listen, they're not all like that, bro.

Blaze out, bro. Thank you, doctor.

Here, come with me. Let me show you guys something.

You got your cherry, apricot, tangerine, lemon,

cantaloupe, and of course, watermelon.

Hey, what kind of fruit are those?

That is an Asian pear.

Hey, check it out at Granny Smith.

Nice. But look, all these titties ain't for free.

Check out this couple over here.

Who do you think paid for that meal?

The dude?

That's right.

Take a look over there.

Who's buying those clothes?

Definitely the dude.

Look at this guy in here.

A hundred bucks for that round.

And trust me, he ain't nailing all his ears.

Check this out.

She put the rocks on her finger.

It's an engagement ring. Who paid for it?

The man.

That's right. And when she gets home, she's going to drop those panties like

my iPhone drops calls.

Look, all these Hollywood chicks want something.

And sex is their currency. I haven't seen Courtney do anything like that. Why

don't you stop by her work tonight? You'll get your chance.

Yo, dude, man, we've been getting some worthy tale lately, man.

I think you should listen to him. Yeah, or just make it your girlfriend. It's

the other ones on the side. No. Why not? No. No, look, you don't cheat. It's not

cool. Ever. And there's no need to.

Look, guys.

Don't date one chick that you're faithful to. You date lots of chicks,

you rotate them, and you be honest about it. Guys, I always wanted a son. But at

this point, it's probably never going to happen.

I wanted him to be prepared when dealing with the unfair sex.

So I recorded some little nuggets of wisdom on there.

But be careful with it, all right?

There's a lot there.

Whatever you do, don't cheat. But if you do, it's your fucking story.

It's mostly about being honest and

straight up.

You know, owning your inner pig.

Still upset about the fight with Johnny.

Came home and got drunk and had sex with my neighbor Frank.

It felt great. I'm so glad I'm not a man anymore.

Never read your girlfriend's diary.

Girls like a take-charge guy.

You just lay down what you want, tell her you're not looking for a girlfriend

up front, and she can't accuse you of being an asshole.

What the fuck?

That's weird. I just waxed yesterday.

No, this is not your puke. Your pussy's bald.

Oh, I know who that was. That was... Never mind.

Never go down on a stripper you just met.

Double-booking bitch.

Although, gross. Wanna fuck and do drugs?

They feel guilty about it. I mean, they want to get down. They kind of want to

be tricked into it. This is retarded.

Be straight up and honest with them, but then get them high and wasted and trick

them into it? Yeah, you make that sound like it's a bad thing. I wish I could

get drunk and high for free. Yeah, they should be thanking us.

You guys are idiots. I'm going to go see my girlfriend.

There's a reason they call it committed, Aaron.

You're going to be at some party, wasted, and some hottie's going to be

jocking you, and you're going to flip up, man.

You guys got your assignments, right? Just be straight up and tell her we can

sleep together, but I'm not your boyfriend.

No dinners, no Valentines. She can find some other sucker for that shit. Huh?

Oh, man, I'm sorry, man. This candy bar is kicking in, man. I know he was

talking about fruits earlier, right?

I'm sorry, man. You tape recorded it?

Oh, no, that was another tape record.

I don't know. I'm going to remember, for real. I'm sorry.

I'd do anything, cause you are

everything.

When you're around, when you're around.

Do you remember what Elle says?

Yeah. Elle is a total drama queen.

I mean, look, he's really nice.

And funny.

Well, I don't want to go home yet. And he is kind of cute.

Yeah, you are going to be fine.

I just hope he's not an asshole.

Yo, man, you want to go to this party later?

No, it's going to suck. It's at Jonzo's place, man.

Yo, I'm going home to get some ass. You should take her.

She's banging.

Maybe I will.

I just

want you to know that we're going to this party just

as friends.

Well, I want you to know that we're going to be splitting this cab fare just

as friends.

Why do you have to be such an asshole?

Courtney, I am your father.

Ew, gross.

Babe, it's just me. No, no, you have to be the helpless princess, remember?

Yeah, can you make that thing vibrate?

Um, shoot, I don't think so.

I think that's only the deluxe edition.

Yeah.

Use her addictions against her.

Go ahead, fuck with that one, too.

Own your inner pig.

Here you go.

Nah, I'm good. I got a deadline that I could really use tomorrow to catch up.

Are you for real? I mean, I just got high.

If you like, I could blow everything off that I gotta do tomorrow, and we could

have some fun.

But I gotta let you know that at some point, we're probably gonna be high and

drunk and in my bed, and I'm gonna need to bust a nut.

Me too?

Yeah. I mean, I'm sorry for being so honest and open about it, but if you

don't like that, then, you know, maybe we should meet for coffee sometime and

really get to know each other, take it nice and slow.

Fine.

Fine for the nut buster?

Whatever.

Just fill up my drink, please.

Did you know that when a man orgasms, it releases a chemical that's 20 times

stronger than a normal sleeping pill?

This is some lady in the trap shit right here.

I shouldn't even be

here.

You've been flagged on the database.

Nobody has to know.

What's a database?

Just shut up and kiss me.

Babe, where did you get that outfit?

Thank you. It's my apron. I wore it under my dress last night so I could

cook you breakfast in the morning.

I am taking you out. Baby, do you want to go to the zoo? Yes!

I love the zoo. Animals are my favorite. Me too. That's perfect. It's a done

deal. We're doing it.

Babe, check out my trouser elephant.

Do you want me to come pull its trunk?

You're going to take me to breakfast.

Breakfast? Ain't no breakfast, baby.

I don't roll like that.

You had fun last night, right?

Yeah.

Eventually. Hey, that had nothing to do with my performance. That was the coke.

And anyways, if you want somebody to take you out to dinner all the time and

call you up every day, that ain't me. That's boyfriend territory.

Look, I'm just hungry.

You don't got to be such an asshole.

It's like you're going to some asshole's school or something.

Shit. Whatever.

Dick. If she's asking for too much cab fare, take a 20 out of her purse while

she's in the bathroom and give it to her.

It's not stealing if you give it back.

Dude, this stuff is gold.

Hey, Aaron, thought you'd be married off by now.

She's a good girl. It can happen.

Just keeping my options open for now. Yeah, what about you, Max? How's it

going? Oh, man, shit went perfect, yo. Just one thing, though, man. What's the

problem? With the coke and the condoms, man, I kind of had a little bit of...

Performance anxiety.

Really?

What, are you gay now?

All you need is one of these.

Dude,

why is it all flippery? What is that?

Oh, that's just lube. It's my cock ring. Are you kidding?

I'm telling you, no matter what state I'm in, it always keeps me turgid, and

it always, always gets me up. Yo, put that shit on my nose, yo.

And what the fuck is turgid? Turgid means hard. How dumb are you? Oh, I'm

gonna use that shit.

Girl, you got my dick turgid. And I know with all the alcohol and the drugs,

sometimes it's a little tough, so I always keep one of these babies around.

Those are like 50 bucks each, every time? Jesus, fuckface.

Look, you gently take it out of the box, you carefully cut it open, every time

you use it, you put it in the dishwasher.

Good as new. Oh, yeah, economical.

Yeah, but what about the condoms?

Man, I mean, I hate condoms, man. It's like...

eating a Snickers with the wrapper on it. Look, the first couple times, you

kind of have to, boy. Fuck that. Just do what I do.

You cut a hole right in the tip of the condom, right?

Just like that. Then it wears away as you get going. Then it breaks.

The beauty of it is, when she looks down, it still looks like you're wearing

one. I just told her it ripped because my dick's too big.

Dude, that is fucked up on so many levels, I don't even know where to

begin.

What?

What?

Let me show you something.

One in four people have herpes.

One in four warts.

Throw in chlamydia, crab, UTI, and then you ramp it up because we're

in Hollywood.

And the chances that one of these chicks that you guys are taking home has

something is about 72%.

Gretchen, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm putting a fabric softener sheet down my pants.

So, later tonight, when I take my jeans off, it'll be nice and fresh down there.

Not a bad idea.

Right? Does that make your skin soft?

Oh, God, I hope it doesn't make his dick softer.

I got a date tonight. Let me try some of that. So, are you girls all set for

initiation? Yeah, we are. Yeah.

Oh, can I still join if I have a boyfriend?

He better go downy on me after all that trouble.

No, that defies the whole point.

Well, unless you're using him for something.

I just like him. I like the way his hair smells.

I like his smile.

I like waking up next to him. I like his cock.

Courtney, Courtney, you cannot see this guy anymore.

What? Why?

Because he will dick you over. We just don't want you to make the same mistake

we made. If it's sex you want, we'll find a guy for you.

What do you want? Do you want a nerd? Do you want a bad boy? What, and I just

fuck them?

First, you have to explain to him that he can't call you afterwards.

And if he sees you out somewhere, he's got to walk in the opposite direction.

That's crazy.

I really, really like this guy. I know, but it's for your own good.

Now, Yvonne, did the doctor set a date for your improvements yet? Yeah, three

weeks. I knew he would drag it out a bit. A few days in outpatient, and

you'll never have to see him again. Right on.

Hey. Uh-uh.

Come

on

over here by yourself.

Oh, my God. You remind me of Beetlejuice. Remember those legs that

were sitting by themselves?

I know who you are.

Where do you know me from?

Dishonorable discharge, now.

Man, what?

Man, this looks like, hey, this ain't even true. They tried to set me in. They

tried to say I dishonor you, discharge.

That ain't even true.

Oh, shit.

Oh, man, sorry, man.

No, I know that.

Did you do something? No, he just came by tonight.

There's nothing in here.

Are you sleeping with him? No.

I just get so horny.

We all get a little bit hormonal sometimes.

But next time, specify an amount or he's going to have you horn yourself out for

a little kibble. Okay?

No, you're right.

Wendy, can I talk to you a little bit later?

Okay.

Okay, ladies.

As you know, Yvonne will be getting her enhancements this week. That's eligible

for membership.

What day, Yvonne? He says I go in on Friday and I'll be out by Saturday.

So Saturday night, does that work for everyone? Yeah.

15

seconds.

Excellent work, Max.

Grats all around.

It's nice to see your stables developing.

I'm up to four now.

You still taking drugs for that stripper chick? Yep. She's fucking you now,

right? Like I'm Johnny Depp. Nice. Now you can bring as much or as little as

you'd like. Dude, I'm getting laid for dovesacks.

Um, where's Courtney?

She said she can't come anymore.

Why not?

Because she has a boyfriend now and she said it would be unfair to come to a man

-hating group. What?

We don't...

Hate men.

We just keep them on task, sweetie.

So what about you, Aaron? I've been dabbling, but there's really only one

girl for me.

Yeah, when she's in town.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What? Yeah, it's that Courtney again, right? Yeah.

Does she know about your other chicks?

Uh, that's not something I like to bring up. Yeah, but you're rotating her,

right?

What?

How often do you see her? I don't know, like two, three, four times a week.

Aaron, you have to rotate them.

She'll be back.

I hope so.

I really liked her.

I think she's really into him. Aaron, right?

Short, dumb-looking?

The fact of the matter is, he's a man, and he's hardwired to cheat.

Oh, I think you already did.

What? I saw him last week at a party all over some ugly-ass girl.

Last Saturday at Ross's? Yeah.

Was that guy Max there?

Yeah.

My earring collection is growing daily.

Ah, yeah.

The leave behind.

Did they mean to leave the shit at your apartment? Or are they just too hungover

to remember?

Who knows?

It's like, how do they not know that they leave not wearing their own

panties? That shit is dumb.

Let me see this hair clip. Where did you get this?

I needed it one morning, and the guy I was with gave it to me. Max?

The guy that jizzed on me. Yeah.

This is my hair clip. I was with him last week. You've been hanging out with

him? Like, we just hooked up a couple times, okay? I didn't know you were

seeing him. I told you that I liked him. I can't believe you do that to me now.

What the hell is going on? I don't know. What is going on?

Is the Mac the L flagged? That asshole?

This is fucking outrageous. Why do we even keep a database if you guys can't

even follow it? The whole point of the TOB club is for shit like this not to

happen.

Courtney's dude is cheating on her, you're getting ripped off by your coke

guy, and the two of you are in some sort of TOB-certified scumbag stable.

We have stables. That's why they're called stable boys, okay?

This is fucking ridiculous.

Could anything else go wrong? I'm pregnant!

We'll fix all of this together.

Now, how many men have you been sleeping with? Two or three.

Not in the last week, Gretchen. The last three months.

Maybe seven, right?

Oh, plus the drug guy.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Abortion extortion.

In 1934, Hitler eliminated all of his opposition in one night.

It was called The Night of the Long Knives.

This Friday, our time will come. We're going to teach these cretins a lesson

they're never going to forget.

There's something I don't understand.

We met one of these pests three months ago. We got those T-shirts made, and he

was a big, fat loser.

Now him and his buddies are wreaking havoc on us.

How?

Yes. Feels like somebody else is behind this.

Another girl gang?

The Echo Park Butas? Silver Lake Skanks? The Three-One Hoes? The Los Feliz

Lesbos? Who knows?

But by sacrificing one of our own, they'll get the message that we're not

playing around.

Something about this seems familiar.

Is it a man?

Playing around for revenge?

Slice?

Gretchen? Elle? I want you to hit the streets. Talk to your people.

Bust some balls.

Suck them if you have to, but find out who is pulling the strings.

We will. Good.

Then Tasselina next Saturday, Yvonne will get her boobs, Courtney will be

back in the gang, and these fools will rue the day that they crossed us.

Yeah. Night of the long nails.

Long nails.

Woo!

Why are we drinking brandy?

Because Churchill used to drink it.

Oh, yeah. That Jamaican guy used to date.

It was so hot. Loved him.

That's a lot of money.

And look, all I know is that it works.

Your clients love it, right?

Their patience.

Yes, the results are impressive.

Thank you.

But before you go, you're a bit of a ladies' man, right?

Yeah, I have my moments. I have a bit of a problem here.

Every now and then, I meet a girl that I like.

One thing's almost too good to be true.

Then I do some work on her, she disappears.

Yeah, so you think you're being played?

Not sure.

But there's this one girl.

She's very nice to me.

Too nice.

All right, well, here's what you're gonna do.

It is so good to see you.

Oh, it's so good to see you too, baby.

You're hungry, right?

I am starving.

I love this place. I am so happy that you picked it. We all really miss you at

the meetings.

Oh, my God. I miss you guys, too.

Stop. Now, there's an army, too.

Take care of them, sugar.

And you. See those privates on parade?

I like how you're showcasing that pussy.

Looking good.

Whoa.

That skirt's way too long.

Come on, be all you can be.

The nipples are just right at the edge.

Good. Show those girls off.

From Russia with love. Are you ready for your mission?

Handle it.

Now you see we brought out the big gun.

Shake those babies.

It's life. My glam is on. Turn around.

Tighten up that back.

It's a jungle out there.

Excellent job, Gretchen. Thank you.

Now let me see those tears.

Too much?

No. Excellent.

Time for me to go take care of this Courtney situation.

Wendy, you know you don't need to do this, right?

You're my sisters.

I couldn't ask you to do anything I wouldn't do myself.

This is war, and we're the sex bomb.

I'm sorry, are you okay?

and I really need to send an email or my boss is going to fire me. That's okay. I

live right here.

You can totally use my computer.

Really? Of course.

Thank you so much.

Remember when you fixed my transmission?

Well, I'm pregnant.

I don't want a kid with you.

Me neither.

Hi. What are you doing here? You're crazy. I need to talk to you. My wife is

upstairs.

Well, I suggest you tell her to come down here. What do you want?

I'm pregnant.

So, anyway, I need money to take care of this.

No, no, no, no. You said to me that you are using for consensual pills. Ugh.

These, I told you, it doesn't always work all the time. What are you talking

about then? That's not my baby. I got six white bitches on deck right now. I

got baby mamas from here to Detroit. You ain't saying nothing.

I'm going to fuck it up.

You want to split it? Okay.

Jonzo? Yeah? Jonzo, can I talk to you?

We're kind of busy here. Well, can you take five? Cause it's important.

We're in the middle of a rehearsal. What's going on? Do you even remember

me? Oh yeah.

The bathroom at the Burgundy. Yeah. Fucking bathroom at the Burgundy. I

totally remember that. What's going on? I'm pregnant. That's how I'm doing.

Pregnant.

Good news. This is a gift from the Lord. No, actually a gift from you.

$450.

Well, that's a lot of money.

Let me ask you something.

Do you think we could work something out?

$450? More like $199. Ah, shit. You want to fuck with Miss Kim right there on

Crenshaw on Florence. How the hell do you know it's mine? Because you came in

me? I fucking remember that night. I asked if I could come. You said yes, I

could come. You got to be on the phone. On my tits?

$450.

I don't have that money on me.

Say that. What the fuck am I supposed to do about that? She got this nail salon

out front, right? But you go to the back, she got the abortion clinic. Come

on. Where the hell's Prada from here?

You get your nails done at the same time, you know what I'm saying?

Pedicure, jump off, everything. It was a lot of fun.

Do your homework.

He's a fertile little fucker, okay?

You're pregnant.

Shit. You think I got this motherfucking pain from paying sales to pull up?

Fuck. After that night, I never heard from you.

Yeah, I've been taking the train.

That's not what I'm here about.

Babe, I'm pregnant.

Don't be upset, darling. That's wonderful news.

You can move in with me. We're going to have lots of children. Big families. I

gotta go.

I have had this one fantasy for the longest time.

Let me tell you about it.

Oh, come on.

Marshmallow-y goodness.

You know, it's my favorite cereal.

Just saying.

Thank God.

I need a drink.

Do you have any vodka?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah, let me go get some.

And, you know, we love you to death.

And if anything were to happen, you know, you could always come back to the

meeting, and we'd always be there for you. Thank you.

Memory foam.

I love it.

You can't put a price on a good night in bed.

Mind if I smoke?

Uh, no.

No, no, no.

By all means, let me go get an ashtray.

Hey. Hey, how are you feeling?

I'm all right, but I don't know. I kind of feel like this one is bigger.

You can't tell anything until the gas is up. They're going to look so hot.

They'll settle in soon, cutie. You promise?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, you guys.

Let's get this show on the road.

Hey, Max.

Yeah. Yeah.

I was thinking we could hang out tonight, bae. You know what? I was

thinking the exact same thing. All right, so yeah, you know, we'll meet up

and we'll have some fun tonight, bae.

Motherfucker, I can't believe this douchebag. Oh, wait, can you bring your

friend Glenn?

Oh, yeah, I'll bring him. I'm looking at his big ass right now making a triple

-dickin' sandwich.

Okay, because... What?

Yo, that's Jasmine?

Yvonne's friend?

It's a dangerous game, man.

Now, man, look, actually, it's cool because Yvonne's in the hospital getting

her tits done.

Nice rotation, bro.

And she's bringing a friend just for you.

What? Yeah, man. Your hair is beautiful. What color is that?

I'm a dirty blonde.

Would you like another drink?

Can't tonight, sweetie.

It's my time of the month.

No, no, no. I didn't even mean it like that. Of course you didn't. That's not

what I was talking about. Thank you so much for everything.

Can I use your restroom?

Yeah. Right over there.

Are you okay?

Yeah, it's just my mom.

My stupid kid's acting up again and I have to go see it. I didn't even know

you were a mom. I know, right? Look at me.

Everybody says that.

Oh, yeah, I know. I mean, I'm a good mom.

I see my kids every month.

But I'm more worried about you. Oh, I'm totally cool. My boyfriend actually

lives, like, right next door, so... Two friends. Two friends. Two?

Hey, what's up, girl?

Hello. Hi.

How are you?

Good,

obviously. Bye.

Bye.

Hey, sweetheart.

It's your little refugee Cambodian outfit on.

Yeah,

I like that look you got going on. Look like you in training mode. You are ready

for action.

I know.

I like this little thigh meat sticking out right here. What

are we

having? Let's do shots. Let's do shots. It sounds

great. Let's get the party started. Yeah, Glenn.

Hey. Gretchen.

Yeah, what's up? I need to talk to you.

In private.

Right now?

It's important.

Now.

Excuse me, ladies.

Zelda.

Zelda.

Oh, it's the text.

Oh, this is priceless.

It's Max, and I'm horny.

Which one of my bitches is up right now ready for a face load of jizz? I got the

beer. Oh, my God. That is so...

Who do you think this went out to? Knowing Wendy, probably every single

female in this boat.

Fucking ass clown.

Thank you.

No, I'm good. He used a condom.

It broke sometimes, remember?

Because you were too big. Thank you.

Oh, my... God, Herbert.

Five minutes?

No, no, no, it's fine. Take your time. I'm just going to be training up.

Okay. Okay, bye.

Fuck.

What does that mean?

I have to go.

What? Yeah.

You've got to go?

Mm-hmm. Where?

None of your business. Girl stuff. Girl stuff?

No, you do not. Just kiss me on the forehead.

$500? $500?

No. Do you have any of it?

No, I don't have any of it. That's why I'm here talking to you. I don't know. I

mean, I can ask my mom, but she wants grandkids, so what... God. Did you do

any, like, shopping around?

We can't find... It's my vagina.

It's Max.

It's from Max?

Text to landline message.

It's Max. It's a text to landline message.

...is up right now and ready for a face load of gifts.

What an idiot.

They totally deserved it.

What does jizz mean?

Where did you get that filth?

Max?

Pick up.

School's out, Aaron.

Johnny, I fucked up. Hey, relax.

All right, Mr. Perfect Boyfriend.

Look, just stop and think.

What did she touch?

Did she drink anything? Check for lipstick.

What about cigarettes? Was she smoking?

Check the bed.

Take a lint roller to the bed.

All right, look.

Take a deep breath.

Just look around carefully.

Let me know what happens.

Hi.

Lucky you were just around the corner.

Have you been smoking?

No. No.

What do you... No.

I knew this day would come. I know. I didn't think it would happen so soon. I

mean, I really, really liked him.

Yeah, she's in the bathroom. I think it's cool.

Thank you so much, man. Seriously, you saved my life. No problem.

But, dude, if you insist on having a girlfriend... No, no, no, no, no. I

wasn't even going to do anything, dude. Plus, she was on her period. Her period?

Did you check the bathroom?

Oh, fuck.

He's a boy.

Boys would fuck a stick of butter if they could.

He's basically as faithful as the options open to him. I'm gonna kill him.

No, don't do a thing. You've got a birthday coming up next weekend, don't

you? Yes.

Okay.

Clean up the blood, dry your eyes, and pretend like nothing happened.

We're gonna turn this whole thing around.

Okay.

Can I come back to the meetings?

Of course you can, sweetie.

Come next week, we'll get half a den, and we'll have some fun.

Oh. And Yvonne's gonna be unveiling her new boobies!

Good. I can't wait.

that little restaurant you like downtown.

Yeah, what about Maui?

Where you been at, man?

At the fucking ATM. This is deep shit, man. Shit, you got no idea, man. I've

been getting some crazy-ass text messages. Yeah?

Hey, what's up, Mom?

We are the ladies of the TOV with the foodies that they want for this shit

ain't cheap. We need more durians.

You dodged a bullet, my friend.

$450 for an abortion or 18 years of child support.

That is a lot of money. Yeah, that's a lot of money. Now, Courtney, that was

the easy part, but time to jump you in.

so miserable about you got lucky too i know i just feel bad why because you

didn't get to fuck that centerfold you helped did they pay up mostly god i fuck

some cheap bastards but we did make some money right wendy well because of you

gretchen two thousand dollars dude she asked me to take her to hawaii for her

birthday you're 25 you don't need all that no i know you're right i should

probably call her man and make things a bit less formal call her

Oh, it's the boy.

Shall I ditch it? No, take it. This is going to be epic. Yeah, and find out

what his little friends are doing.

Okay.

Hello? Where is Yvonne?

I always ditch them all every six months. It's very liberating. All except

the one you loved.

Come on, dude. We've been through a lot, man. Why don't you tell us what

happened?

I should

have known his

faggy little fingerprints were all over this. He was pulling the strings all

along. Who is this Johnny Eyelash and why is he ruining my life?

He's a boy.

Used to date.

She was amazing.

I was in New York. We were young. We were living together.

I was really in love with her. I was really happy.

I didn't know that I could love someone so much.

I knew him, too. That's how we met.

He has a long history with this gang.

He's the reason why we started the T.O.B. Yeah. What does T.O.B. stand for?

I was really into her. But she was a fucking psycho nightmare.

I mean, this chick was bad.

I'd been dating him for a couple of months. I was young and in love. We had

just moved in together, and it was one of those days in spring where you just

want to stay outside all day.

I don't know if you ever lived in New York, but it was that one day in spring,

and you leave the house, bam, titties and midriffs everywhere.

We were having a nice walk when this beautiful girl walked past.

It was windy.

I was young and unprepared for it, but the smoking chick walked past with

titties. From hell.

I mean, big ones. Brand new, out on display.

So I catch her out of the corner of my eye. Tig old baby. And this was before I

had my boob, so I was a little bit more sensitive about it back then.

She just went fucking crazy.

So later that night, we were at this club, right? And I see this chick again.

So we went into one of those unisex bathrooms.

Anyways, I'm in the stall, and I'm getting a blowjob, right? And she just

busts right in. I saw Wendy in there, and I didn't know her name, so I just

screamed, take off, it is, that's my boyfriend!

And the other one?

She spat on me. My own jizz. Oh.

Yeah, and it does burn, by the way. But Wendy was nice.

She didn't know. She said she was sorry, and we became friends.

And we ended up meeting Fabio and having this crazy three-way back at the hotel.

Fabio. Oh, Wendy.

Don't worry. There's plenty of Fabio to go around.

Funny thing, they were both called Wendy.

Wendy?

That chick that came over and nearly got me busted was named Wendy. Yeah,

Yvonne's always going on about the Wendy. Wendy.

Of course.

It was them all along.

Those little bitches.

Johnny Eyelash.

We're going to take him down once and for all. He started all this, and we're

going to finish it. But to do it, we need to move to a new stage of our

lives. You know what this means, Wendy?

Yes, I do. The nuclear option.

Johnny. How you doing? What's up, man?

Thank you.

Johnny, I love you. Come over here.

Okay, what the fuck do you two want? Oh, Johnny Eyelash.

Always the charmer, aren't you? Except when you're cheating on your girlfriend.

What is this, another one of your little schemes to pull over on me and my boys?

No, calm down.

We're just extending an olive branch. Oh, really?

Come sit over here, Johnny. I'm okay right here, thanks.

Ouch. Ouch.

Vodka gimlet, right?

Thank you. So how is the boob cream business?

It's going well, actually. Thank you for asking. And how's your work going? Good.

Yeah? We have a house.

Seriously? Yeah.

And a committee.

Yeah, I heard about the committee. And a bunch of girls.

So what, are you guys drinking, too, or what? Come on, let's go sit over here.

Okay.

So, John, you remember when we first met, right?

Yeah, I remember.

Let's do a toast. You were still hot. Yeah.

All right, a toast.

Sue, new time.

In old time, yes.

You want to get cozy, please?

All right. Wendy, tell him. Yeah, Wendy, tell him. We want a baby.

Seriously?

Yeah. We're sick of all the parties and trying to find the perfect guy.

But you want me to get one of you two pregnant? Wendy and I like each other.

A lot.

You know what I mean?

But we both...

Delighted. So? Here's what we're thinking.

Why don't we pool our resources and the three of us move in together? The three

of us live together?

Uh-huh. Oh, my God.

We all sleep together, but the deal is none of us three can sleep with anybody

else. And to keep the bond strong, you have to marry one of us and get the

other one pregnant. Okay, wait a minute.

Marry? Uh-huh. Don't you want a son?

You could just sell us both off.

One on each arm. And you get your choice of...

Six.

Home.

Every night.

We will fuck you into little pieces.

In half.

Upside down.

This is bullshit. I want to go first. You like me better. I want to suck it.

No, I want to suck it. No, I want to fucking suck it. Hey, hey, hey, hey,

ladies. Bullshit, you went last night. You sucked it first this morning. It's

my turn. Okay, okay, ladies, don't be greedy. You can share, all right? You

get the left side, you get the right side.

One ball each.

And go.

Okay.

Whoa, slow it down.

But you can't cheat.

Never. Or you'll pay.

No way. Look, I could seriously consider this kind of an arrangement.

And I would never cheat.

Never. No way.

Within three months, the first part of their plan was complete.

He was married to one, got the other one pregnant, and they all lived under the

same roof. And for a while... Johnny was faithful and happy with his six-hole

arrangement. But these girls were sneaky. It was all just a setup for the

final phase of the nuclear op. All right, let's get this over with.

This is a good thing. I know.

This is a great thing.

Veronica?

Yeah, Operation Chinning Heart is a go. Tell her to give him a chance.

I don't think he's going to take it, but go easy on him, okay?

All right, Veronica, so basically you're going to apply it to the whole scar and

just wait for it to dry before you get dressed. Pretty simple. Let me...

Um...

Which one should I put it on?

Both.

I think I put too much.

That's fine. Just apply a thin layer. Not sure I'm doing it properly.

Johnny...

Okay. Now I get it.

It'll form a protective seal over the epidermis.

You're so clever, Johnny.

Veronica, I don't see a scar.

What? There's no scar.

There's a little slit.

There's a slit where?

Those bitches got Johnny good.

They had him cheating on video.

And when the judge saw the tape, he gave half his shit to Little Wendy for

alimony and the other half to Big Wendy for child support.

And now they live very comfortably.

And damn, that was one well-dressed baby.

But Johnny made the best of it.

He pimped the shit out of that kid.

Thank you so much. My pleasure. You look great, by the way. Glenn tried to follow

in Johnny's footsteps.

But not everyone's got the touch.

Are you kidding?

Yeah, well, buy them on your own kit.

But I haven't had a boob job.

Yvonne finally got away with it.

It's already paid for itself.

Look at them titties!

What the fuck?

Hollywood sex was still rage.

You don't want to fuck with the TOB. Let's go, girls.

Well, I feel a little bit better that you're sorry. The Wendy's eventually

came clean about the frame job, and Courtney quit the TOB. I just found

them.

Against Johnny's advice, Aaron fessed up about the girl at the party.

Turns out, he wasn't the only one who made a mistake.

What?

With the Wendy's out of the picture, love was able to find a way.

And that's why we having this banging ass bachelor party.

You know, you taught me how to find a good one and I found a good one. You

did. I gotta admit, you did. Thank you, Chuck. I love you, man. I know I give

you a hard time, man, but I think it's cool that you guys are getting married.

Let's get down, man.

And me, I got a drink in one hand, a joint in the other, chicks are jocking

me, my best friends marrying a great girl, and I'm in the shower with four

butt-ass naked chicks.

Can it get any better than that?

Thank you.

That's false. H-O-L-L-I-W-W-H-O-L

-L-I-H-O

-L-L-I-H-O-L-L-I-H

-O

-L-L-I

Hollywood.

It's the Koreatown Odyssey, obviously to put you up on this whole Hollywood

thing. Specifically the sex wars. Got strippers stacked on top of us, but this

does not connect boards.

It's strip twisters.

Now we party up, but it wasn't always like this. When chicks was more frigid

than intense winters in Antarctica.

But ever since we got all of the knowledge from Johnny Eyelash, slowly as

the time passed, we felt like Bon Vivant.

You know, McAdosh is with these broads up on our nuts. So the Wendy's got beef

and they don't want it on two puns. They're the captains of Club T.O.B.

Hollywood Chick Alliance.

We go back and forth like ping-pong team championships in China with the abortion

extortion and the nuclear option to make us boys want to forfeit and look stupid

in the process.

But I'm still squeezy breathless, and your guess is I'm a plastic surgeon?

Not exactly, but they definitely got my package, sir.