All language subtitles for Bad.Hair.Day.2015.PROPER.WEBRip.x264-ION10_English_SDH

( pop music playing )

Okay.

Let's do this.

Oh.

We have a winner.

( cell phone ringing )

Monica, it's prom!

How can you
still be in bed?

I know, I was up till 2:30
doing my hair poll.

Which style won?

The side-do.

I knew it!

All is right
with my universe.

I'm tracking way ahead
in the prom queen election.

And everything's set.

Date. Dress. Shoes.

And as of last night, hair.

What? What is it?

How did this happen?

It was fine
when I went to bed!

It's like...

all crispy.

Okay. Bacon-crispy?
Or dried-leaf-crispy?

I just broke it.

I just broke off
a piece of my hair.

So, bacon-crispy.

Hold on.

Do not add heat or curl.

Do not mix
with other products.

Do not leave
on overnight.

I did
all of these things!

Okay. How many products
did you use?

The site was getting
all this traffic,

so I just kept
trying new styles.

My dress, my dress,
my dress,

with the one that got the most
votes ever last week...

The one that was like,
plastic?

It's like melted.

What the...?

Everyone voted
for the little ones.

So I put them in these
shoe expander things.

Think, Monica, think.

These are just
material objects.

They can be repaired.

I just need to do
a little bit of research.

Okay.

What? No!

This is impossible.

What? What now?

The prom queen election
tracking software I made,

I'm now in a dead heat
with Ashley Mendlebach.

SIERRA: If she wins,
evil will triumph.

Our school will be plunged
into eternal darkness.

This day cannot
possibly get worse.

( cell phone ringing )

Stay on the line.

Hello?

Hello. Monica Reeves?

Speaking...?

This is the Department
of Motor Vehicles

calling to schedule
your driver's test.

Yes! Finally!

Our first available
is April 11th...

That was 2 weeks ago.

Of next year.

Next year?

Are you kidding me?

Budget cuts.

Well, but...I'll be
in college next year.

I have to get my license
this summer!

Don't you have
anything sooner?

I have 2 p.m. today.

Can you do 2 p.m. today?

'Cause nobody else can.

Apparently, it's prom
or something.

No. Not today.

I can't do today.

Next year it is then.

Fine. I'll take today.

Just show up 10 minutes

before your
scheduled appointment.

Bye-bye.

Yeah. Now I have to take
my driver's test today too.

I have to figure
all this out.

- I'll call you back.
- 'K bye.

What do you mean, you can't?
You're my boyfriend.

And this constitutes
emergency boyfriend duty.

I just need a ride!
The salon,

some shops,
the DMV...

I'm volunteering
at the group home

and the orphans, babe,

they count on me.

So just call a taxi.

But that would cost like $200.

I barely have enough to cover
my salon appointment.

You'll figure it out.

You always do.

I'll see you tonight,
okay?

I'm super-stoked.

Me too.

Stoked...

super-ly.

Morning, honey.

Look,
I'm a tech nerd too.

I finally
figured out

that picture posting stuff
you do.

I put up a shot of me
at the hospital.

You can re-twit it
to all your peoples.

Whoa!

New hairstyle.

Love it.

Not intentional, Dad.

My universe
has been destroyed.

Everything I've set
for prom is ruined.

My hair's crispy.

My dress is melted.

My shoes have exploded...

Don't worry.

We'll work something out.

I'll call in sick.

Wait, aren't you working
at the ER today?

Yeah. So...

You can't
call in sick.

You're a nurse.

People are counting
on you to be,

you know, kept alive.

I'll be okay.
You sure?

Yeah! I'm sure.

High five.

I don't want to push you.

But it is the week,

so you have to make
a choice.

I get why you're leaning
towards State.

I went to State.

It's a fine school.

A fun school.

But you've been given--

A once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.

I know.

Can we, maybe,
talk about this later?

Yeah. If you need anything
today just call me up

or, yo, text me up.

Just text. No up.

No up.

No up.

Dad, is this a bedpan?

DAD: Pretty dope, huh?

( cell phone ringing )

It's hopeless.
I'm stranded here.

Okay. I can try and pick you up
on my ten-speed.

Yeah.

That's a terrible idea.

Yeah.

Okay. What is that?

Oh.

This, I found it
in a pawn shop actually.

13 bucks.

Pretty awesome, eh?

It's the one part of my outfit
that isn't ruined.

Did you ever have
people vote on it?

No. I actually
just really liked it.

What?
Do you not like it?

( doorbell ringing )

Who's that?

I don't know.

I'll call you later.

Okay, bye.

( indistinct mumbling )

Come on.

Good morning.

Good morning.

I'm Officer
Liz McRogersburger.

FBI, Special Criminal
Investigation Unit.

Dayton County Bureau.

Is this about
the Gottlieb twins

blowing up the Abrahamians'
lawn gnome?

Because I told Mrs. Abrahamian
I did not see anything.

No, no, no, this has
nothing to do with Abraham

or his decorative
gardenware, ma'am.

I just need to ask you
a few questions

and then I'll be
out of your...

hair.

Stay here.

Well, I--

You're with the FBI?

That's right.

The American FBI?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is my Russian accent
throwing you off?

Yes, yes, it would be
the American FBI.

Can I please come in?

Oh, do you
have a warrant?

Not technically--

Then no.

Okay, wow.

You're cautious.

I respect that.

Okay,
let's get to work.

Tell me what you know
about this.

Never seen it before.

I'm gonna need you
to think harder.

You see, it's a felony
to lie to a federal agent.

Actually, it's not.

It's only a crime to lie
under oath in a court of law.

Lying to a federal officer?
Just impolite.

Also, you're not
a federal officer.

Yes, I am.
I'm with the FBI.

Right.
What bureau again?

Oh, Dayton County?
Dayton County, yes.

Yeah, see, I'm
on the FBI website.
I see that.

And there is no bureau
in Dayton County.

There is, you're just
looking in the wrong place.

Let me see
your badge again.

Okay.

Okay,
I'm not with the FBI.

Cool, cool.

So, would you like to
tell me who you really are,

you know, before I call
the real authorities?

'Cause, see...

impersonating
a federal officer?

That is a felony.

Okay, here's the deal.

I'm a private investigator.

And I'm working
for a client

who would like
to remain anonymous.

They're looking
for this necklace.

And they're willing to pay
a considerable reward.

Is that your car?

Yeah.

Pretty sweet, eh?

Sweet. Sure.

Come in.

What, now you are
letting me in?

You're like 5'1".
What could you possible do?

Hey, I'm five--

Okay, you know what,

let's not squabble
over little details, okay?

Little, indeed.

You're one to talk.

That extra inch you've got
on me is really intimidating.

No one cuts a hedge
like you, Mr. Nedermeyer.

You know, you should upgrade
your alarm system.

Yeah, you can neutralize
that particular console

with a pipe cleaner
and a cell phone.

Let's hope
we're not robbed

by any third graders
coming from arts and crafts.

Lovely home.

Rugged.

Good use of brown.

My Dad picked it.

You want something
to drink?

Yeah, water.

Tap.

No ice.

So...

this necklace
it's valuable?

No. No.

It's just
costume jewelry.

But it has
sentimental value.

Ah, okay.
Yeah.

When was the last time
you saw it?

What makes you think
I've seen it?

I've been at this game
a long time.

What game?

The crime game.

So this is about a crime?

I didn't say that.

You implied it.

I don't think I did.

Look, no offense,

but if you really are
a private investigator,

you're a pretty
terrible one.

How long have I been
in your house?

I don't know.

Thirty seconds?
Thirty seconds.

Thirty seconds and here's
what I've learned about you.

Okay, you're
a high school senior.

You're allergic to nickel.

You're young
for your class.

You're dating
a jock-politician

who's popular
but soulless.

You live alone with Dad,
no siblings,

because Mom left,
when you were very young.

How'd I do?

How did you--?

Your class ring
is from this year.

It's pewter, not gold,
so, no nickel.

And on the mantel
is your middle school diploma

from 3 years ago,
so you skipped a year.

And then
there on the fridge

is this cute little picture
of you and Mr. Wonderful,

eleven cause ribbons.

Enough said.

Now, onto the color brown.

Color clearly chosen
by a man

who had absolutely
no input from his wife.

And since I can't see
a single picture

of a mom anywhere,

I'm guessing she left
a long time ago,

and you guys
are not happy about it.

The only thing
that I can't figure out

is what the heck
is going on with your hair.

Well, you're wrong
about my boyfriend.

He's not soulless.
Oh, he's not.

He helps orphans.
He helps orphans.

He helps orphans.

Oh, my gosh,
I didn't know that.

He does.

We can go back and forth
like this all day

or you can give me
the necklace

and I can arrange
for you to get a reward.

Well, I don't
have the necklace.
Yes, you do.

I know you got it at a pawn
shop couple of weeks ago.

How could you
possibly know that?

Because the owner showed me
the credit card record.

Yeah.

Uh-oh.

He fell
for the FBI thing.

All 5'1" of it.

Wait here.

Mm-hmm.

Eleven cause ribbons.

I don't think so.

Mmm.

Dippy eggs.

Oh.

Is everything okay?

No, no. It's good.
It's good.

It's just that you know,
I really am-- I'm just--

I'm just--

This brown is really,
it's really growing on me.

Here's the deal.

I know
where your necklace is.

But I don't want a reward,
I want a ride.

What?
Today's my prom.

I've suffered some
logistical setbacks.

I need four things.
Hair, dress, shoes,

and I have to take
my driver's test today.

Today?
Long story.

I'll get you
your necklace.

But you need to drive me
to these places first.

No, no--
It'll only be
a few hours.

And then we both get
what we want.

Fine.

You may want to put
a hat on that first.

Hello?

Hello!

Hello!

Forgive
the dramatic entrance,

but I'm
in a bit of a rush.

I'm looking
for a certain necklace.

A ne--
a necklace?

What is all this stuff?
Nothing.

It doesn't
look like nothing.

It looks like some
highly illegal

aftermarket
surveillance gear.

That's a high-frequency
radar jammer, right?

That's like,
police-level.

Though you may
want to tune to the KA band

to decrease
frequency noise.

You're pretty savvy
for someone

who can't use
a curling iron.

Is that a gun?
No, no.

That is not--
That's not, okay.

That is a non-lethal
high voltage

stunning apparatus.

Sweet.
No, it's not sweet.

It is very unsweet,
okay?

That thing can drop
an elephant at 25 feet.

What's with
the red button?
Don't touch
the red button.

But I want to touch
the red button.

Haven't you seen
movies, okay?

Nothing good
ever comes out of it

when someone touches
the red button.

So...

did this
bucket of bolts

used to be
a cab or something?

What?
Okay, so.

Brando is a custom
super-charged in-line

eight police-caliber
powerhouse, okay.

He has
bulletproof glass.

That's right.
That's right.

Sixteen-channel
emergency-band radio

and right there is built in
video surveillance panel,

seat warmers.

Ooh.

"Brando?"

Your car has a name.

Yeah.
After Marlon Brando.

The most famous actor
of our time, Marlon Brando.

Nothing--
See,
that is amazing to me.

I don't understand that.
I don't.

Why can't
I get a signal?

Because Brando,
he's got magnetic shielding,

jams infrared.

I can't get a signal
in this thing?

No.

But I've been, like,
offline for 6 minutes.

Tonight's my prom

and I'm running
for prom queen.

Do you know how much
I've already missed?

How many posts?
Status updates?

Emails?
Good.

I don't trust
that stuff.

It's bad news, it's a way
for people to track you

and know exactly
where you are.

But I want people
to know where I am.

That's the point.

Yeah, we actually
have apps for that.

Pal Spotter.

Pal Spotter.
Yeah.

It lets people know
where everyone is,

at every second.

That is terrifying
to me, right.

Okay, here's what you need,
here's what you need.

You need one of these.
Okay.

No one has any idea
where I am, all right?

It doesn't even
hold contacts,

I don't think.

Built in 2002.

Oh, no.
Water Polo Hotties.

Hide.
"Water Polo Hotties"?

Is it like a gang?

What is it?

They-- They don't look
very dangerous.

They go to my school.

I can't let them see me
in this freakmobile.

I'm sorry,
freakmobile?

Did you just-- You called
Brando a freakmobile.

All right,
let's play that game.

Wait, wait.
No, please.

( music blaring )

Hey, you with
the stupid glasses.

Yeah, you.

Turn your radio down.

It's a nuisance.

Municipal Code
5617-1B.

What's your problem?

Monica?

Is that you?

Hi, Braiden.

Aiden.
Jasper.

Toby.
Other Aiden.

Congrats on your
win last night.

That 3-3 offense is really
working for you guys.

Thanks.

See you.

Turn the music down
please.

( indistinct )

( siren wailing )

Wait.
You're a cop?

Not really.

You can get
one of these for $21.99.

Pull over!

Pull your
little mop art over!

Take your energy-efficient
vehicle and stop it!

There you go.

What are you
doing?

Don't get out
of the car.

Sunglasses off now!

Guess what?

I have a windshield cam,
it caught you littering

on a public road.
Yeah.

So see, I'm within my rights
to perform a citizen's arrest

and have you turned over
to the authorities,

yeah, which is a $500 fine
or two nights in jail.

Your choice.

But guess since
you're such pretty boys,

you don't want
to do that, right?

So, pull back,

pick up your drink

and dispose of it
properly.

Okay?

Yes, ma'am.

Ma'am.
That's right.

Ma'am.

Get some haircuts.

All of you.

You look ridiculous.

Buckle up,
sweetpea.

I can't believe
that just happened.

That just happened.

Sorry!

MONICA: Do you have
any idea how many votes

that probably
cost me?

LIZ: Votes? What,
are you running for office?

For prom queen.

I had the election
locked up last night.

And now
I'm falling behind.

You have
real time polling data

for prom queen
election?

Yes.
That is why
you were cozying up

to those
water polo delinquents.

They aren't
delinquents!

They are really sweet,
really hot guys

who happen to be
slightly disrespectful

of the city's
sanitation rules.

And why do you care about
littering laws, anyway?

I thought PI's were
supposed to be cool.

Hey, Sarah.
I'm sure they are.

Am, I am.
Look, why are we here?

I have
a hair appointment,

and I need to return
my dress.

Girl! That color
looks great on you.

I got your vote
tonight, right?

Oh, you are really
desperate for votes.

Listen, I care about
my community.

And I happen to care about
what they think of me, okay?

It sounds exhausting.
That's why I work alone.

How's that going for you,
Miss Cheerful?

Tommy, I saw the pics
from the sit-in.

You know, I really hope
you guys save those wetlands.

Yeah.

Then you can get back
to your drum circle.

Okay.

PS, thanks for
the samurai work

you did
on our website.

I told you. It's all about
search engine optimization.

Rad hat,
by the way.

Ski hats, this year's berets.
You know what I'm saying?
Totally.

So, I've got your vote
tonight, right?

Hey,
you've got my vote.

So who is this?

Uh...

she is my
Aunt Hilda.

She's colorblind.

Oh, no,

I'm really sorry
to hear about that.

I mean...
Yeah.

It's sad.

I sit at stoplights
all day wondering,

"Do I stay?

Do I go?"

Okay.
Bye.

Bye.
I'll see you tonight.

Bye.

Really?

"Colorblind Aunt Hilda"?

Would you prefer
"creepy private eye

strangely obsessed with
a piece of costume jewelry"?

Why colorblind?
And why Hilda?
I don't know.

I don't even know
your real name.

I somehow doubt
it's Liz McRogersberger.

It is Liz, all right?

Liz Morgan.

Oh, hey,
Sierra's here.

Who?
Where?

Right there...
there.

Oh, great.
There's another one of you.

Hey!

You're here!

I thought you were
stuck at home.

Well,
I got a ride.

Oh. Hi.

I'm Sierra.

Who are you?
Who is she?

I'm Hilda.
She's Liz.

Long story.
What's up?

Okay.
I am totally freaking out.

I'm second guessing my colors
for tonight.

Oh, I wish
I could help you.

But I'm colorblind
so it ain't gonna happen.

Stop it.
You started it.

Okay, okay, okay.

So did you hear
Steph and Zoey

both got in
off the waitlist.

We're all going to State.
Monica, you have to go.

It's going to be
such a blast.

I know, I know,
it's-- Oh, no.

I'm gonna be late.

Okay! Okay!

Whoo!
What's all this about State?

Ooh, I want to
go to State.

State sounds great.

I'm trying to decide
which college to go to.

And, you know,
all my friends

are going to go to State
next year.

But I got into
one other place.
What's that?

The University of
I Can't Do Hair?

MIT.

What?

You got into the Massachusetts
Institute of Technology,

and you're debating that
or State?

How is that even a choice
in your head?

Because everybody I know
is going to State, okay.

At MIT, I would...

I'd be a nobody.

And that's a bad thing?

Hi.
Uh, Monica Reeves.

I have an 11:30.

It's 11:33.

Yeah,
I'm a smidge late.

We gave your spot away.
What?

Well, it's prom day.
There's no room for error.

"There's no room
for error."

Okay.
Please.

I mean, I...
Look at this.

You're speechless now,
aren't you?

Be quiet.

If something opens up,
I'll buzz you.

Okay, that is ridiculous,
okay?

It's hair, not
all-you-can-eat appetizers

and cheesecake.

Is this your mother?

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.

She's my Aunt Hilda.
She's colorblind.

Well, tell her
to stop talking

or we won't
take you at all.

Hey, you know what?

I'm colorblind, not deaf, right?
I can hear you.

I just can't tell if that color
looks good on you.

Bye-bye now.

What is wrong with you?
What?
She started it.

Have you never been
inside a salon before?

You've never been
inside a salon before.

Okay.

Who cuts your hair?
I do.

Figures.

Oh, yeah.
You're one to judge.

( beeping )

Hello?

Anyone here?

( beeping rapidly )

Which one's better?

I don't know.

They both block the sun,
right?

Why did you just
take a picture of yourself?

I'm polling my peeps.

You're what-ing
your what?

I, um--
I build these websites.

Little online surveys,

let people weigh
in on my decisions.

Oh, 'cause heaven forbid,
you get the wrong sunglasses?

Hey.
It's Marketing 101.

I mean, these little choices
are important.

People are either going to
accept you or reject you

based on their
first impression.

Or you could just
be yourself

and not really care
what other people think?

$540!

$540.

That's $540.

Yeah. So?

What? There's been a mistake.
There's been a mistake.

I-I-It's two pieces of
plastic and a label.

Here, try them on.
No, no, no.

If I drop them, I'd have to
mortgage my house.

Hey!

Kinda hot.

Oh...
Wow!

That's what
you're paying for.

I can almost see
in color again.

Hey.
Can I help you two?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I'm actually here
to return this

little dress.

Whoa!

Monica, what did you do
to your dress?

I'm guessing the same thing
you did to your hair.

Nothing. Nothing.
Nothing.

I-- I didn't--
I didn't do anything.

It just...

you know,
it spontaneously melted.

It spontaneously melted?

That's not even possible.
That can't happen.

It doesn't matter.

You have a no-questions
return policy, right?

Did you put it
in a microwave?

Did you put it
in the microwave?

Because I don't think
we can take it back

if you put it
in the microwave.

I did not put it
in the microwave.

Then what did you do to it?
What is this?
A police interrogation?

I steamed it.

With what?
A blowtorch?

No.
With water...

turned into steam...

by a humidifier.

You know with some of that
little eucalyptus vapor stuff.

It was very stiff.

Well, were you trying to
soften it or open its lungs?

I'm sorry, but we can't
accept returns with

customer damage.

But I-I-I didn't damage it.

I steamed it.

No.
You vaporized it.

Monica, come on.

You vaporized
your prom dress.

Hey!
Whose side are you on?

It's not about
being on your side.

( overlapping chatter )

I'm sorry.
I just got to say.

Well, it's really nice to see
mothers and daughters

out shopping together.

Oh, she's not my mother.
We're not related at all.

Zero chance.

( phone beeping )

My hair appointment.
Okay.

This, this is not over yet.
I'm coming back.

And this lady?
She's crazy.

I do not know her.

I'm not really crazy.

Hey, hey, hey,
why are you upset?

You completely
just cost me my dress.

Oh, I did that
to your dress?

Yes!
Oh, did I also
do that to your hair?

You know, how about taking
some personal responsibility?

You want a new dress.

You want something new,
you buy it.

Oh.

( security alarm blaring )

Okay,
did you hear that?

You hear that,
someone is being busted

for shoplifting, okay.

Someone wanted something,
and they didn't pay for it.

What?

Hello.

Ma'am, please follow me.

How's your personal
responsibility

treating you now?

Really?
Ma'am, please.

Okay, hold on,
hold on, hold on.

Seriously.

Would a woman
who dresses like this,

steal sunglasses
that look like that?

Look, here's my
Police Retirement Association

pension card, okay.
I'm a cop.

At the moment kind of--
kind of a cop.

You don't need
to know about that.

All right, ma'am.
I'm gonna let you off
with a warning.

But you need to be
more careful.

Think hard about
the kind of example

you're setting
for your daughter here.

My daughter--
I'm not her daughter!

We don't even look alike.
We don't even look
like each other.

She has blue eyes,
I have brown eyes.

It's just silly to me.
Can we just go now?

Just go.
Yes. Thank you.

Can you take those back for me?
Thanks, you're the best.

You're great at your job.

Is that true,
you're a cop?

Yeah.

I mean, no.
I'm on temporary sabbatical.

Indefinitely.

What happened?

Let's just stick
to the mission, okay?

What is an ex-cop doing

looking for a piece
of costume jewelry?

This is all getting
really weird.

Then just give me
the diamond.

The diamond?

You mean the fake diamond?

Yeah.
Exactly, the fake.

Yes.

Hello, friend.

This is buzzing.

No. It was buzzing.
But now it's stopped.

We gave up your spot.

What? No!

I literally came
as fast as I could.

But now you have to wait
until this one buzzes.

I need a corn dog.

See what you did?
See there?

I don't like
that color either.

Just be quiet.

Listen.

No. No talking.

I'm going to sit there
and eat these corn dogs

and wait
for that buzzer to buzz.

But if you would just--

And you are not going
to speak or distract me

in any way or complicate
the situation, understood?

Understood?

Got it.

You need a moment...

and a corn dog.

Uh-uh.

No, no, no.

Uh-uh.

Oh, she doesn't
like mustard.

Note to self.

( ringing )

Oh, come on.

Oh, snap.

( cell phone ringing )

Oh, that's disgusting.

Hey, Dad.
Hey, kiddo.

I just wanted
to check in on you.

You're doing okay?
Oh. I'm-I'm doing great.

Just great.

I talked to Faraja
in radiology.

Now they don't have prom
in her country,

but she said she had
a couple of dresses

she thought might work.

And there's a big sale today
at Discount Warehouse of Shoes.

Thanks, Dad.

Those are...

good options.

Great.
I'll be home by 6:00.

Okay, Dad.
I love you.

Love you too.
Tons, yo.

Yeah, no yo.

Yeah, just bye.

Discount Warehouse of Shoes?

Oh, I love that place.

No talking.

I have a question.

Oh, my goodness.

One question.
It's one, little.

Go ahead.

You know your boyfriend,
the soulless jerk

with the bedazzled
letterman's jacket?

He's not soulless.

Right. He's full of soul.
I forgot.

Okay, so let's say
hypothetically,

um, I saw him

flirting with another girl,
at say, I don't know,

a mall food court,

would you want me
to tell you?

What?

He's supposed
to be helping orphans.

Does that girl have parents?

Yes!

Then he's not
doing that.

Kyle?

Oh. Monica.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Uh.

The orphans canceled.

Really?

The orphans canceled.

Yeah.
They were just...

They were...

They were totally
booked up today...

very busy
doing orphan stuff.

Hi, Monica.

Nice hat.

Are you competing
in a slalom later?

Or maybe going for a luge?

Kyle, how could you
with her?

No, this--
this isn't what it looks like.

Okay, 'cause it looks like
my supposed boyfriend

is having a date
with my arch rival.

Okay. That might technically
be somewhat accurate.

I am so sorry, Monica.

I know this must be
really hard.

I mean, first
I steal your man.

And then, tonight,

I rob you of the prom crown.

ALL: Ooh.

I...

I think
I'm going to be sick.

That guy is
a classic vanity case.

I told you.

You know, he's probably
got an emotionally

distant lawyer for a dad,
mom's, like an over-doter.

He just goes
from girl to girl to girl.

( Monica sobbing )

Oh, wow.

This has affected you.

Okay.

Oh, she's crying.

( clears throat )

Monica?

What?

Do you...

need a corn dog?

This is what happens
when you're not perfect.

What?

Is she here?

I'm so glad
you're here.

It's going to be okay.

Don't worry.
No, it's okay.

Should I--
Should I hug you?

This is--

Don't worry,
we're gonna fix this.

It's just weird, okay.

You know what, I'm just
gonna hug from afar.

Okay, we're gonna put
you back together.

Okay?
Okay.

Okay, come.

You know, you are a strong,
independent woman

and he is a shallow dirt bag.

Yeah, he's a dirt bag!

It was humiliating.

Everybody was watching.

Yeah, well, they just saw
Ashley for the desperate

back-stabber she is.

He made a fool out of me
in front of all those people.

Don't worry,
we're gonna fix this.

Wait.
What is she doing now?

Kyle Timmins, on your feet.

What? Me?
Undercover mall security.
Stand up.

All right,
hold on a second.

Oh, you don't follow
directions very well, do you?

Hey, Kyle, meet table.

Table, this is Kyle.
Oh, no.

What did I do?

Inappropriate
use of hair products,

wearing jeans
that make you look silly,

and we have
an insider tip

that you may have
shoplifted

hair loss products
and a man girdle.

What?
That's crazy!

I-I-I didn't
shoplift anything!

Especially
not a man girdle!

I have a body mass index
of like 4%.

Oh, and you're
so humble too.

Put your hands
behind your head.

Is this a joke?

My dad's a lawyer.
I'll sue!

Oh, fancy pants words.
You know what?

We have rules
in this here mall.

Yeah, we do.

No disorderly
or lewd behavior.

I saw what you
and Miss Thing were doing

with those
chili fries over there.

Disgusting.
What? It's illegal
to eat chili fries?

Hey. I'm the one asking
the questions around here.

Now touch your nose.

What?
Do it!

Touch your toes.

Stand up.

Walk in
a straight line.

Stop,
turn around.

Walk in
a crooked line.

Stop,
turn around.

Waddle like a duck.

Whoa!
Sing "Rocky Top."

What?
Do the Macarena.

I don't even know
what that is!

Stop.
Quiet.

Let's see what kind of
incriminating items

are on your person.

That's right.

Looking
in your bag.

Looking in your
blue bag.

Looking in your
blue bag--

Oh, zit cream.

Hmm,
back hair remover.

That's for my sister!

Yeah, I've heard
that one before.

That's a lame excuse,
buddy.

Oh, self tanner.

Monica.

I ask you
what self-respecting male

uses self-tanner?

It's been very cloudy!

Okay?
I need to keep a base.

Okay.
That does it, Kyle?

I'm gonna have to
take you downtown.

To the Department
of Imposters,

of fakes, of frauds,
of wannabes--

I don't even think
you're really mall security.

Oh, I assure you
I am.

No.

Actually,
you're not.

So my priceless
little diamond.

Where the devil
are you hiding?

( tablet dings )

Any news
on the Williamson case?

Hey, you,
so here's the thing.

I'm wondering why
you had to, like,

arrest me when I'm
just like hanging out

in the food court
at the mall.

It's because your security
can't, like,

catch real criminals,
right?

You are just too scared
of them, so you're like,

"Oh, hang out at the mall and
see if I can arrest Liz today."

Is that what happened?
Sorry, Liz.

We'll try to expedite
your case.

Yeah, expedite.

That's such
a funny word, see.

I used to work here,
people!

I know
what "expedite" means!

We're gonna be here
for hours.

Okay.

Hey, um...

sorry about
your boyfriend.

It's fine.

I'm not really sure
I liked him

that much anyway.

So how does
a smart girl like you

end up with a jerk
like him?

I, uh...

I set up
an online poll.

Right,
of course you did.

That-That sounds,
that sounds right.

You know, when I heard
the call on the radio,

I thought
the suspect's description

was eerily similar to a certain
partner I once had.

How are you, Liz?

I'm so good, Adam.
So glad you asked.

I've just been having
a leisurely time off,

you know,
going to the spa and such.

Can you please take these
handcuffs off of me?

What part of "under arrest"
do you not understand?

Come on, Ed.

Wait here.

I'll see what I can do about
getting the charges dropped.

Yeah, you're always seeing
what you can do.

How about you actually
do something for a change?

Man,
have I missed you.

I didn't miss you
at all.

( chuckles )

Hey,
is the chief around?

Nope. Meeting
with the mayor.

Lucky.

I can see
why you like him.

He's hot.

What? Ed?
Hot?

No, no, that's--
No, that's ridiculous.

You are crushing him.

It's obvious.

"I haven't missed you
at all."

You were doing
the whole thing with him.

No, no, no, no,
there's no thing.

We don't
have a thing.

No, we-- we were partners,
police partners.

Mm-hmm.

That's it.

Don't you have
some kind of online

poll blogging stuff
that you do

with your little phone
when you touch it

like every 10 seconds?

Nope.

No, you don't have
that to do right now.

Of all times, you don't
do that right now, okay.

How do you even know
I'm single?

You're obviously single.

FYI, Ed has a crush
on you too.

I-I-I don't think he feels
that particular way.

Well, there's only
one way to find out.

Yeah?
What's that?
Flirt.

Flirt?
Yeah. You know,
it's this thing humans do

when they're trying to
demonstrate attraction--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
I know what flirting is.

I'm just--
I'm just--

I'm not very
well-versed at it.

You know,
it's remarkably easy

once you put
your mind to it.

Instead of
insulting people,

compliment them.

What do you
even know?

You're like 12.

Okay, try it on him.

I will do nothing
of the sort.

Yeah, you know,

I didn't think
you had it in you.

( sighs )

Really?
Even with the sigh...

With your brown eyes.

"I didn't think
you had it in you,

"you think that's gonna
get me to like turn around

and be like,
Dennis, Dennis.

You think, I'm just
gonna be like, yeah, Dennis.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, Dennis. I'm just--

What do you want, Liz?

Dennis,
has anyone ever told you

that you have really nice...

large nostrils?

Whatever, Liz.

Yeah.
Yeah, whatever.

"Large nostrils"?
That's what you got?

He has really large nostrils.

You don't necessarily
have to point that out.

What am I supposed to do, lie?
Say he has small nostrils?

Oh, my goodness.
Sorry.

I got some good news
and bad news.

Yeah.

The good news is...

they got the charges 86.

Great.

The bad news is--

Where is she?

You?
In my office, now!

Shut the door!

Shoplifting sunglasses?

Impersonating mall security?
What were you thinking?

I was thinking that
it was very bright out,

and that I, you know,
needed to protect my eyes.

You're a complete disgrace
to this badge!

Thanks to you, I'm actually
not wearing a badge, so--

Well,
they seem friendly.

Liz and the chief have
a special relationship.

Yeah, clearly one
that involves a lot of yelling.

Well, the chief always
expected a lot from Liz.

She's one of this
department's rising stars.

Really?
Liz?

Well, she's a little rough
around the edges

but she's the best partner
I ever had.

The diamond is gone.

Get that through
your thick skull!

Why did she quit?

She didn't quit.

What?

She didn't tell you
what happened?

No.

Well, that's her business.

I get it. I get it.
Okay.

Let's go!

How about you stay out
of trouble for a change?

How about you keep your nose
on your face

and not in everybody's
business?

It's good seeing you, Liz.
Yeah.

If you need anything,
I'm around, okay?

Okay, thanks.

And hey. I'm a cop.

Having my nose
in everyone's business

is my business.

Whatever.

So let's get back to
the shopping and the grooming

and whatever
other nonsense it is

that we have to do here.

What's really going on?

Nothing.

Why were you thrown off
the force?

And why do you really care about
a piece of costume jewelry?

Tell me or you can forget
about the deal.

It's not costume jewelry.

It's not costume jewelry.

The center stone in the
necklace is a 21 carat

pink diamond worth
roughly $7 million.

Wait, what?

Yeah.

It was stolen 2 months ago.

It was my fault.

There was a traveling
exhibit of jewelry

on display at the
Civic Museum.

And the necklace,
your necklace,

was the star attraction.

I knew there was
something special about it.

I was in charge of security.

It was a real,
real high-profile assignment.

Ed offered to help me,

but, I knew
I had this on my own.

There was one thing
I didn't count on.

Pierce Peters, one of the
world's foremost jewel thieves.

( alarm ringing )

You know, being one of the
only women on the force

and with the chief
constantly breathing

down my neck,
it doesn't always feel like

an option for me
to ask for help.

So...

I didn't call for backup.

I didn't call for backup.

I thought I had him.

And that's when everything
just starting to go downhill.

Losing that diamond was
a black mark on my record

and erasing that mark
was all I could think about.

And work starting slipping
and nobody understood.

I needed to make this
right.

See, but...

eventually the chief
had enough and...

Turning by badge in was
one of the worst moments

of my life.

Wow. That's...

That's pretty awful.
I'm sorry.

Yeah.

But...

how did I end up
with the diamond?

Well...

Pierce found a buyer
for the diamond

and he arranged an exchange.

But unfortunately for him

and the
rest of society actually,

the safari look
was in this season.

And he gave the diamond
to the wrong man.

So the necklace went on
a bit of an adventure.

No one else was aware
of the diamond's real value.

MONICA: How did you find
all this out?

LIZ: A lot of good old
fashioned shoe leather.

I combed through
taxi GPS data,

watched thousands of hours
of surveillance footage.

Interviewed the mime
which was interesting,

because he is a mime.

And did you know that...

is "no" in mime.

Hmm.

LIZ: Anyway I tracked
a food truck for days

and that necklace

got it traded
for hotdog.

Lost to a biker
in a card game.

Sold to a pawn shop...

where it was discovered
by a local high school girl

looking for something
to wear to prom.

And that pretty much
brings us up to date.

Why didn't you just
tell me the truth?

Well, because,
how could I be sure that

once you knew
the value of the diamond

that you wouldn't disappear
and try to sell it yourself?

Yeah, but you could've
just sent the cops.

No. No. No.

You don't get it.
You don't get it.

See, I want to be the one
to march the diamond in there.

I want to take that necklace
into that station,

look the chief square
in the eye

and say,
"Lieutenant Elizabeth Morgan

reporting recovery
of stolen goods."

I need to be the one
to make this right, Monica.

That's kind of
your thing, huh?

Making things right
on your own.

Lone Ranger-style.

Lone Ranger style.

I like it.

You know, that necklace was
the one part of my outfit

that I didn't put up
for a vote.

I just...

I just really liked it.

Wow!

As it turns out, you have
exorbitantly expensive taste.

Can I ask you
something?

Why is it so hard for you
to make a choice on your own?

I don't know.

I guess...
I just...

I don't want to
make the wrong choice.

Yeah, but that's how you learn,
by making mistakes.

Everyone says that.

But there are
real consequences.

There's real conseq--
Okay.

You're like
16 years old.

What's the worst
that can happen?

You wear blue eyeshadow
instead of green?

I mean, not that I care.
I'm colorblind.

I could be
a disappointment.

People might not want to be
around me.

Is this still about Kyle?

Kyle.
Sure.

Or...

my mom.

You got to be pretty
disappointing

to leave a 3 year old.

That...

That was not your fault.

That's why I want to be
prom queen.

You know people like you.

I mean you got...
You got the title,

you got the crown,
a page in the yearbook.

It's official.

It's real.

Oh, no!
What time is it?

That's about 2 o'clock.

My driver's test!

Oh, gosh,
here we go again.

Here we go.

Hi! Hi! Hi!

I'm here
for my driver's test.

Please tell me
I made it.

I can't handle missing any more
appointments today.

You made it.

Barely.
Thank you.

Is this the car she'll be
using for your exam?

I'm sorry the what you'll be
using for what?

You understand,
it is a driving test.

You'll need
something to drive.

Hi!
No. No.

Yes.
No. This was not
part of the deal, okay.

This was not
part of the deal.

No one drives Brando
but me.

Okay. So you got to be
gentle with Brando, okay.

He's quick off the line.

Sorry. Sorry.

And the steering's loose
until it gets about 40.

And the brakes are new
so go easy...

Sorry.
On him.

LIZ: And be careful parking.

Ma'am?
This is your daughter's test.

Not yours.

She's not my daughter.
Forget it.

Just...

pull Brando
out of the traffic.

Watch the traffic.

Stop!

Sorry.

Straight.

Okay.

( beeping )

What the...?

Oh, ignore it.
That's just my radar.

It means there's a highway
patrol in the area.

That's actually not legal.

Oh!

Garbage Truck!

( indistinct chattering )

( indistinct )

Garbage cans!

Stop now immediately.

At least
I signaled that time.

Pull over!

Get out! You're not driving
another inch.

Wait. Please.
Give me one more chance.

Floor it!
What?

LIZ: It's Pierce!

Go now!

So, I have to keep driving
for a few more minutes.

Maybe you can reset the test,
give me one more chance.

Go faster!
I cannot go faster.

There's a speed limit.

Okay.
I'm still being graded.

Yellow light!

Run it!

That was still yellow.
That was still yellow.

You can't dock me
for that one.

You got to go, okay.

We do not want this guy
to catch us.

Stop! Can somebody tell me
what the devil's happening?

Get me out of this car.

Oh, gosh.
Would you stop your crying?

Okay. Just hold on
you big baby.

I'm calling the police!
That's not really going
to work in here.

No signal?

Yeah. I told you.

( screaming )

Oh! Oh!

Okay.

There, there.
Take the freeway.

I've never been
on the freeway.

Don't get on the freeway.
Yes! No!
Don't get on the freeway!

Wow!

Close one.
That was terrifying.

Everything about this ride
has been terrifying!

Well, it's about to get
a whole lot more terrifying.

He's gaining on us.

Nitro boost.
What?

Keep your eye on the road.
I'm gonna hit the red button.

The red button? You said
not to push the red button.

I'm going to push
the red button.

Why are you pushing
the red button?

Never push the red button.
Don't you watch movies?

It's time, folks.

Okay, tighten your seatbelts,
we're about to go a lot faster.

No. Please don't
make us go faster.

One, two, three!

( indistinct )

Help me please!

( tires screeching )

I'm driving here!

Out of the way!

Oh, yeah?

You've got to be kidding me.

So...

did I pass?

"Here's one
without the bedpan.

Northwest Hospital."
Found you.

Northwest.

You have to give me
another chance.

You cannot fail me.
Oh. No.

I most certainly can.
And I have.

You are totally,
completely, failed.

Okay.
Well, well, wait...

That other driver,

I got away from him without
breaking the speed limit.

I mean, that kind of
defensive driving

has to count
for something, right?

Miss, you are quite literally
the most dangerous driver

I've ever tested.

You're lucky I don't
permanently ban you

from driving forever.

I don't legally think
that you can do that.
Yeah.

You can take your test again
in 9 months.
Nine months?

And you should consider
yourself lucky,

I haven't thrown you
in jail.

What? Hey! Hey! Hey!

We're not gonna be
talking about jail here.

You can't legally
do that either.

( indistinct )

What are you doing?

DMV: I'm having
Brando impounded.

Apparently, I can do that.

It's a death trap.

No way all that gear
can be legal.

It most certainly is!

Brando!

Brando, Brando, Brando...

(sighs)

(shouts, grunts)

Get out your phone!

Get your device!

Do your things with the apps
and the, and the...

Ober and the uCab
and whatever!

I can't believe
that just happened.

Monica, I mean, you're a
pretty terrible driver.

It's all ruined!
Everything!

My outfit, my relationship,
the prom, my future ability
to transport myself.

It's all because of...
you and that stupid necklace!

And this has literally been
the worst day of my life!

Hey, look, there's
no need to get pouty, okay?
I am not getting pouty!

You're getting pouty! Look!
Pierce is still out there, okay?

You are still in danger.
(laughing) What?
You're gonna protect me?

The washed up cop
that drove everyone so crazy
she got herself fired?

That's not what happened.
Oh, really? 'Cause
I can see what happened.

You're so obsessive and narrow
minded, you have no idea what's
actually going on around you.

Whoa, right,
I'm the obsessive one.
Yeah.

Okay, yeah, Miss, (robot voice)
"I build websites

"so people will love me,
though yes." (click)

Are you kidding me?! At least
I have enough sense of self

that I'm not
constantly seeking approval!
Because nobody approves of you!

You know what? You need to give
me the diamond, and we need to
get you back to the station.

'Kay, look, okay,
you want the diamond?
You can have the diamond.

Really?
Yeah, just take it, I'm done
with it. I'm done with you.

The diamond
is actually on you?

It's in my purse.

Where is your purse?

In the car.

Oh, God, in the...
Well, come on,
we have to go get it!

You have to go get it!
I am going back home, and...

trying to put my life
back together again, and...

Forget I ever met you!
No, Monica,
we have to go and get...

the...necklace, it's...

(shouts)

(scoffs) You know what?
You know what?

I have one of these too!

Operator, I need
the number for a cab.

(clears throat)
Yes, I'm aware that no one
calls information any more.

Hi, um...

No! No, no.
I'm very okay.

Hello, Monica.

We've so much
to catch up on, so...

be a dear, and come to the
warehouse at the end of, uh...

North Shore and Sunset.

Oh, and don't forget
to bring my little jewel,

or things might get a little...

unpleasant.

MONICA:
Taxi! Taxi.

LIZ:
No, I just need a regular cab
to come pick me up.

Surely they still
have those, right?

They're usually yellow,
and some say "Taxi" on top,

and sometimes they have
little numbers
on the side that you...

Liz! Liz! Liz!
Monica? I'll call you back!

What?
Pierce has my dad!

And don't forget to bring
my little jewel...

...or things
might get a little...

...unpleasant.

What do we do?

We do what he says.

But we don't even
have the diamond.

That's our first stop.

You're gonna have to use your
phone to summon us a cab.

I need a new phone.
Yeah, you do. Come on.

Hi, hi. Arnie, Arnie, hi.

Wait, I need to get
my car back.
Yeah.

Fill out all seven
release forms and have a seat.

Listen, we're really
in a rush.
So are all of them.

Okay, you know what?
I didn't want to do this,
but here you go.

Yeah, I'm FBI.
I mean, come on.

I don't care if it was
J. Edgar Hoover himself.

You sit down and you wait,
just like everybody else.

Well, can you at least
tell me if my car
is in this lot or not?

Sure! After you fill out
the forms, have a seat, and wait
just like everybody else!

You are a very angry person!
Okay, stop, stop.
Just come here.

MONICA: What do we do now?

We don't have time
to wait here forever.
Monica, honestly, I don't know!

Not a word.

(sighs) Come on.

Excuse me.

You know, I probably could
take a look at the IT system.

Really?
Yeah, it's...

just your standard
SQL database, probably.

You know, I could get in,
find your car, get it cleared.

I do it with the library system
when I take too long
to read the books.

But it's hopeless
without a password.

"Poopy."
What?!

That's the password. "Poopy."

How do you know?

%83 of people use
their pet's name
as their password,

and I'm guessing that number
is closer to %100 when you and
your dog have matching t-shirts.

I need to get back there.
Okay, I'll distract him.

How?
(sighs) I don't know, compliment
him, right?

(inhales deeply)
Just...follow my lead.

(exhales, whispers)
Come on.

Um...

Arnie...

Hey, I think we got off
on the wrong foot.

Ma'am, I just
need the forms.

Um, has anyone
ever told you that...

you have great...a great...

forehead?

Huh?

Yeah, it's--it's round,
and your--your hair is like
way back here,

and then it goes,
"Whoop, whoop!"

Ma'am, could you just please
have a seat, and--
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Look,I have a forehead thing.
It's weird, I know, okay?

What I'm trying
to say is that...

You have a tough job.

Yes, you do,
but you have a certain
intellect, I see...

The smarts and the thinking
and the brain stuff,

and--and you're
good at your job.
And I respect that.

Thanks, that's...

actually nice to hear.
You know, well, um...

nobody ever seems to appreciate
what I do around here.

I...I do.

I-- I-- f...

find it very attractive...

when a man is good at his job.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. You know,
you, you, you

sit in that chair,
all day, and you are
the guardian of cars.

And you deal with people,
and that takes
a strong constitution.

You know, your constitution
is so strong.

You know, I really don't feel
like I'm appreciated
in this job.

I can see that. And this job,
I mean it's hard for people
to see the real you.

That's exactly right,
I mean, like,

I'm stuck in this
office all day.

It's tough for a man.

I mean, it can't help
that you're so...

Uh, handsome!

Did I just say that out loud?
Whoa, I said it, yep.

(inhales) It must make people
feel really insecure.

Handsome?

Me?

You know, this may be
against protocol, but...

for you, maybe I can bend
the rules just a little bit
and check on your car.

Okay.

What is the plate number?

It is, uh, four?
"L"... Four.

"M"...

"K"...

Sorry, say that again?

Four...
Yeah.

"L"...
"L."

"Four."
"Four, 'L,' Four..."

"'M', one, 'K'"

"4L4M1K"

Uh...well!

Looks here like
I'm the one that needs to be
apologizing to you!

It says here your car was,
"Towed in error," and it's ready
for immediate release.

Wow, that's great news.
That's great news.

Here, um, just take this...

and give it to
the guard on level three.
Actually...

That's my phone number.

Maybe we could, uh,
have dinner some time?

I'll bring my forehead.

(snaps fingers) Yeah, you will!

What are you doin'
back there?!
Um, uh, you know, I was, I was

looking for the bathroom.

Second door on the right!

I can hold it. (laughs)

She'll hold it.
She's good like that.

You know...

You and your daughter
look like you could be sisters.

Well, thanks.
Thank you.
Yeah, okay.

Go, go, go!

MONICA:
Nice work! I gotta say,
I didn't think
you had it in you.

I didn't either. But you,
you with the computer,
you were amazing!

You're like Bill Gates
but...smarter
and with no glasses.

I can see why MIT wants you.

We make a pretty great team.

Yeah.

Um...

The diamond isn't here.

What?
Well, I don't know!

I put it
in my makeup and now it's gone.

Wha--
Wait, this is "Desert Flame."

This is not my color,
I'm a "Mountain Sunset."
(stammering) What happened?

I have no idea,
I would never wear
"Desert Flame."

I'm a winter.
It completely
washes me out.

I know, I know. Okay,
just think, think, think.
(sighs)

SIERRA:
You are a strong,
independent woman,
and he is a shallow dirtbag.

Sierra!
Sierra!

MONICA:
She's at the park!

LIZ:
Why is she at the park?

Prom pictures, it's
the prettiest spot in town.

(scoffs) Please call me the
second you get this!

This is a crazy, serious,
monster emergency!

The park is huge,
she could be anywhere!

How are we supposed
to get to her?

We need bikes, quick.

Ah, we only have
one left.
We'll take it.

LIZ: Take it easy,

it's a little bumpy
in here!

I'm trying here, okay?

Clear the road, people.

Stay clear of
the vehicle's path. I repeat.

I told you you should have
let me be in the mommy seat.
Just be quiet, okay?

Whoa!

My goodness,
look out, look out!
MAN: Whoa, easy!

LIZ: Look out,
comin' through! (static)

Sorry!

Whoa!
The pond, to the right,
to the right, to the right!

Right, right,
right, right, right!

LIZ: (groans)

MONICA: (groaning)
LIZ: Monica...

It's stuck!
Okay, well, push harder.

LIZ: Pushing!
Just push it harder!

LIZ: I am!

Kyle?

Listen, I am really glad
you're here, I've been
meaning to talk to you.

Now's not a good time, Kyle.
No, look...

I might have made
a mistake with Ashley,
you know? She's...

She's a little
difficult, but...

You know, I just, I was hoping
you'd still be my date tonight.
Wow.

Kyle...I--I don't
know what to say.

I do.
KYLE: (scoffs) Dude!

KYLE: Look, I don't want
any trouble, okay?
Lady, no "man-girdle."

Kyle! Hello?

Look, we're losing our lighting,
we need to take pictures now!

Monica?

What are you doing here?

Nice to see you too, Ashley.

So what do you say, babe?
Be my date again? Huh?

What?
But you're my date!
And she's...

Riding a bicycle.
With the old lady
from the mall.

(scoffs) Oh, did I hear
that correctly, Monica?
Mm-hmm.

Did she just call me old?
You know what?
I believe she did.

(growls) That's not good.

No, it wasn't me, it was her!
No, I think
she meant, "seasoned."

(gasps)
'Cause you're not
that old.

Don't make me do
"The Macarena" again.
Yeah.

ASHLEY: What are you doing?

Oh!
ASHLEY: No! (squeals)

BOTH: (screams)

Wait, Sierra! There!
(gasps) Go!

(siren wailing)

(gasps)

LIZ: (grunts)

MONICA: I just need
your makeup.
But you're a winter!

My makeup just
washes you out!
We know, earlier we--

Never mind, I just
need your clutch.

(sighing) Oh, oh, okay.

Okay, how did that
get in there?

Long story. How much
time do we have?
Just enough.

Okay.
Let's go.

LIZ: And remember, this guy's
not messing around, okay?

Just follow my lead.
MONICA: I'll be okay.

LIZ: We'll get your dad.

LIZ: Look! Look,
there's a door.

LIZ: Bingo.
( clanging )

MONICA: You know, we could still
take the diamond to the cops.
Let them help?

LIZ: No. No way, okay? I know
this guy Pierce. All right?
He's not messing around.

LIZ: This is the best way
to protect your dad.

MONICA: Um, you got
a little...
LIZ: Yeah, okay.

MONICA: Yeah, but then you'd
get to march in the station
with the diamond.

LIZ: Well, yeah.
MONICA: You know,
like you've always wanted?

LIZ: Yeah. Be pretty great
to see the look on the chief's
face, wouldn't it? But no.

If you hate the chief so much
then why don't you just transfer
to a different department?

'Cause I can't escape her.

She's like a giant tarantula
on my back, sucking out my soul.

She's my mom.
Whoa, really?

Yeah.

Wow, that, um...

That must be tough

Yeah, you have no idea.

I am fifth generation cop.

My grad-dad always
pushed my mom to
be the best, and she was.

But now she's on my back every
day, pushing me to be the best.

Pointing out every mistake.

That...actually sounds
kind of refreshing.

Uh, "refreshing" isn't
the word I would use.

It's like, I--I love
my dad, but...

I'm only just "perfect"
in his eyes, you know?

I don't know, let me
try that on for size.

"Hey, Liz! You're perfect!"
"Oh, wow, thank you"

I think that feels
pretty great, Monica. I don't
know what you're talkin' about.

Yeah, but, if someone's only
telling you how
great you are, then...

How do you know when...

you're not great?

I mean, sometimes...

you need a mom...

telling you the truth.

That's...probably why
I'm always asking everyone's
opinion on things.

So you can be
"perfect" after all.

So people won't
leave you.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Something like that.

Well, if I was your mom...

If I was your mom,
I would tell you...

that who you are today...

is way more interesting
than "perfect" will ever be.

Monica, you're such
a great kid. (stammers)

You're such a great kid.

And...

the people who are
worth keeping?

Right? They're always
gonna be around.

'Kay, look at me.
They've always
been there for me.

As difficult as I may be.
I mean, that's questionable.
(laughs)

You know, like, my mom, Ed,
they've always been there.

They've always been there.
Wow, they've always been there.

Let's go rescue your dad.
Yeah.

LIZ: Okay. Now remember,
the most important thing--

Hello?!

...is the element of surprise.

Sorry.

Uh, I c-- I'm sorry.

PIERCE:
Hello, ladies!

Care to join me?!

LIZ: Get your walkin' shoes on.

PIERCE: These gizmos...

never cease to amaze,
do they?

You can watch
British Premier League football,
live, right in your lap!

It's just...amazing.

Good evening, Lieutenant.

Or should I say disgraced,
former Lieutenant?

Ha ha ha, see?
That just cracks me up, y'know,

because that, coming from a guy
who gave a $7 million diamond

to a complete
and utter stranger.

Where's my diamond?

I think we can both agree
that I have

the more
valuable collateral here,
so please, after you.

( whispering )
Give him the diamond.
It's okay.

Now give me my dad.

Oh, Monica.

Monica, Monica, Monica.

You didn't just expect me
to hand him over, did you?

What sort
of incompetent criminal
do you think I am?

Make no mistake,
you will get your dad back.
Absolutely.

I'll send you a text message

with his precise location, soon,

from some safe, unnamed place,
with warm weather.

Until then? Au revoir.

Y'know something, Liz?

What's that, Monica?

For the world's
best diamond thief,

guy's kind of an idiot.

I--right? Am I right?
Total idiot.

Exactly--what exactly
do you mean by that?

It's the 21st century.
It is.

I know exactly
where my dad is.

She does.
Go get your dad, honey.

Dad!

Dad! Oh, Dad,
I got you, I got you,
I got you.

Hold on.

But how?

How did you do that?

Who is this creep?

He's just a low-life

who's going to jail
for a long, long time.

What is that?

Some non-lethal,
high-voltage stunning thingy?

How adorable.

Forgive me
if I completely ignore it...

...and just make my exit.

Oh, ha!

Why are you smiling?

I think it's because
this time...

...she called
for back-up.
Yeah.

( police sirens )

All right,
I need three teams!

Team One, Team One,
take this exit.

Team Two, cover my back.

I want battering ram ready,
let's go!

Well, I guess I'll just
have to make my exit
via the high road.

Oh, dear.

( incoherent yelps )

Where's
my battering ram?

Move it!

Wait for my command!

Enter on my cue!
Three, two, one!

Ohh...on second thought,
Ed, I have missed you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ahh.
( laughter )

( police radio )

( cheering and clapping )

Lieutenant
Elizabeth Morgan,

reporting recovery
of stolen goods...

...and apprehension
of suspected perpetrator.

Permission
to file a report.

Book 'im.

Take 'im,
boys.

And get that necklace
down to Evidence.

Lieutenant.

One more thing.

Yeah?

You'll need
your badge back.

( cheering and clapping )

No!

Thank you for saving me.

You really are
an incredible kid,
y'know.

How can I possibly
go to MIT?

I mean,
what would you do
without me?

Oh, now,
that can't be a factor
in your decision.

Well...I mean...

...I don't want
to leave you.

Monica,
that's how I'll know
when I've done my job.

When you can leave.

Besides,
I'm not going anywhere!

I'm right here.
It's four years.

And if you decide
to stay in Boston,

or move to New York
or Kathmandu, guess what?

They need nurses there, too.
I'll be around.

Thanks, Dad.

( pager goes off )
Oh!

LIZ: 'Scuse me,
'scuse me. Hey!

Look, they have an opening,
let's go.
No, it's okay.

No, no, no,
you can make it!
There's an opening!

I'll give you
a police escort!

Forget it.
After everything
that happened today,

prom just doesn't seem
that important.

Look, it's prom, okay?
You have to go.

Come on!
This is the biggest night
of your high school career!

But I don't have
anything to wear.

Well...follow me.

Welcome to the coolest
department store in the city.

Buzz us in.

Central Police Station
Evidence Room.

Wow.

What is that?

Can I touch anything?

Lucky for you,
some criminals
have great taste.

Oh, yeah, they do.

♪ Live it up,
whatever you're feeling ♪

♪ You and I,
clear summer for sailing ♪

♪ We will go
all over the world ♪

♪ We will go
all over the world ♪

♪ Here we go,
it's just the beginning ♪

♪ Yeah, you and me,
we're spinning ♪

What do you think?
Do you like it?
What do you think?

Wow. I mean, wow.

I think
the real question is,
what do you think?

I like it.
I love it.

I really
like it.
It even works
with the hat.

I know, right?

But there's
something missing.

What?
It's missing,
just a little,
I don't know,

just, maybe...

...a little of this?

Wow...

...Oh, my goodness.
Perfect.

I can't.
It is way
too valuable.

Well, I mean,
you're gonna need
a full police escort.

I've never been to prom.

Oh, you are going
to prom.
I'm going to prom?

You're going
to prom!
I'm going to prom!

( police sirens )
♪ Live it up,
whatever you're feeling ♪

♪ You and I,
clear summer for sailing ♪

♪ We will go
all over the world ♪

♪ We will go
all over the world ♪

♪ Here we go,
it's just the beginning ♪

♪ Yeah, you and me,
we're spinning ♪

♪ We will go
all over the world ♪

♪ We will go
all over the world ♪

♪ And this bright life
illuminates the way ♪
Listen up!

I want two men
at every entrance,
♪ To a brand new place ♪

and a full squad inside!
♪ A brand new day ♪

♪ I don't know what to expect ♪
And keep your eyes
on that necklace!

♪ Will never be the same,
Live it up,
whatever you're feeling! ♪

♪ You and I,
clear summer for sailing ♪

Why, I never thought
I'd live to see the day.

My daughter in a ball gown.

Well, it's for official
police business, so...

Oh, thanks.

It was just
a little twisted.

No, I mean,
thanks for everything.

You're welcome, honey.
♪ You and I,
clear summer for sailing ♪

Thank you.
♪ We will go
all over the world ♪

♪ We will go
all over the world ♪
Hey.

♪ Here we go,
it's just the beginning ♪

You cut your hair!

Well, uh,
technically, she did.

Yeah, yeah, I've had
loads of experience.
Chop chop.

I love it.

Me too.
You look hot.

Oh, I almost forgot.
You won.

What?
What?

Yeah!
In a landslide.

News about Kyle
cheating on you
with Ashley went viral.

Her support collapsed.

You are Prom Queen!

Wow! That's, um...wow!

Group hug!

Come on, girls,
let's go to prom!

We're going to prom.
Oh, we're going!

♪ Here we go,
and it's just the beginning ♪

♪ Yeah, you and me,
we're spinning ♪
Okay, let's go!

( clapping and cheering )

♪ We will go
all over the world ♪

♪ We will go
all over the world ♪

Yeah, Monica!

Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!

This is
an incredible honor.

Wow!
Um, for the past
few weeks,

this moment
is all I could think about.

But I woke up
this morning,
and my day

took a little bit
of a detour.

You see,
there was this person.

Sure,
she had terrible style

and questionable
social skills,

and sure, she probably
ruined my chance

to ever legally drive
in the state.
I'm so sorry.

But she taught me something.

Something I wanna share
with all of you.

Whoever you really are,

it's okay to be that person.

And you don't have to
put it up for a vote.

Because perfect, eh,
it's overrated.

And the people
that really care about you?

They're not going anywhere.

And I've decided
to go to MIT next year.

Oh, yeah, you will!

Sorry, sorry.

I'm gonna miss you all.

So tonight?

Let's soak it up,
and have a great time.

Thank you.

The Fooo:
♪ ALL OVER THE WORLD ♪

♪ We've got the love
together we can sing it ♪

♪ All over the world,
all over the world ♪

♪ We all belong together
we can bring it ♪

♪ All over the world,
all over the world ♪

♪ Beat it!
You gotta move,
gotta move like that ♪

♪ Move like that
to the groove like that ♪

♪ All over the world,
all over the world ♪

LIZ: Ed?

You've--you h-
you are...

...you have
such great...

...nostrils.

Thanks.

Um, do you, um...

...do you...

...do you wanna dance?

Yeah!
Let's do it.
Okay, great.

Can I lead?

Probably not!

♪ Dance like that
to the beat like that ♪

♪ We got the love
together we can sing it ♪

♪ All over the world,
all over the world ♪

( pop music playing )

♪ I might try to sleep,
still with the status quo ♪

♪ I always wonder
if it's all worth it ♪

Come on!
♪ I turn the thing too much,
too safe and out of touch ♪

Okay, let's skip
that part real quick.
♪ I'm over waiting for ♪

♪ something perfect ♪

( yelling through megaphone )
♪ Everything that could go wrong
did go wrong ♪

♪ And I could be
freaking out 'cause ♪

♪ everything that can go wrong
will go wrong ♪

Oh, oh, sorry!
Okay. Oh...

Okay, um,
how did that
get in there?

How much time
do we have?
Just enough.

Okay.
Oh, we need the...
...'scuse me, we need the...

...best part of the necklace.
DIRECTOR: One more right away!

Uhh.

Push harder.
Yeah, just, um...

( groaning with effort )