All language subtitles for Taskmaster S21E09 Maybe Someone Else Wrote Veep 720p ALL4 WEB-DL AAC2 0 H 264-RAWR[EZTVx.to]

Don't look away.

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

Don't put that on telly!

Oo-ar!

I might just do this all day.

Argh!

This is weird!

So tight.

ALL EXCLAIM

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Thank you.

Welcome to Taskmaster.

We've already had so many
highs and lows,

I feel like I'm on
a goddamn trampoline.

We've had so many laughs,

I feel like I've been tickled by
a flipping clown.

We've seen so deep
into their psyches,

I feel like Dr Sigmund Freud
has combined forces with Dr Alban

and had me dancing around
inside their brains

to his seminal track It's My Life.

It's the penultimate episode.

Dare we go deeper?

Dare we go cellular?

Please welcome Amy Gledhill...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Armando Iannucci...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Joanna Page...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Joel Dommett...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...and Kumail Nanjiani.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me,
the gravy to my roasts,

the chips to my fish,

the gusset to my gooch...

...it's little Alex Ho-ooo-orne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'll take that.

What's the prize task category
this time?

Well, Greg, this is actually
our 200th prize task.

What? Wow.
Ooh!

Is this the 200th show?

I guess it must be.

Have we run out of ideas?

Well, judge for yourselves,
because...

...this time it's the thing
you would most enjoy

winching up from a well in a bucket.

Yes, there's life
in the old dog yet.

But enough about what I winched up
from a well in a bucket,

let's see what the five
contestants have brought in.

All five prizes will go home with
the episode winner,

but will the episode winner
have a well to winch them up from?

I couldn't give a toss.
Back to you, Greg.

Armando.

The thing I'd most like to see
winched up from a bucket from a well

is the head of a water company
with a turd in his mouth.

Oh, my God!
Really good.

Wow.

Here it is.

And the reason I thought is
because he gets paid so much money

that I think to earn that money,

they must be down there
all the time,

just sorting it all out, and...

And also, the turd is there
just to remind them

how much work they still have to do.

Yeah, thank you. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you. We can zoom in.

There it is.
AUDIENCE GROANS

Well, it's a powerful
political statement,

but I know for a fact that
the people over this side of the camp

are just laughing at a man
having a poo in his mouth.

Joel.
I'm just going to show it to you.

It's a note from someone who is
down there that says,

"I'm stuck down here.

"No need for help, though -
I'm having a well good time."

Ah. Yes. Wow.

By YOUR standards, that's weak.

Joanna.
I have brought 11 Curly Wurlies.

Here they all are.

Who-ar! Ah!

Ooh, they've been unsheathed!
I know.

So shortly after having
my third child,

of a morning,
I would drop one child to school,

one child to the nursery,

and then one child would fall asleep
in the back of the car.

I would drive straight
to the local garage

and I would buy
an iced caramel latte,

a magazine and one Curly Wurly,

and I would sit in the car
and I'd be like,

"Oh, my God,
it's my time just to have a rest."

I loved, like, the chewiness
of them, right?

So I soon went
to three Curly Wurlies,

but then I was like...

It just wasn't enough
because I was like,

"Oh, God, I need the chewing.
I need the chewing."

So quite soon, I went
to eight Curly Wurlies.

Then I was like, "If you're gonna do
eight, you may as well do ten."

Then, it still wasn't enough,
and I went, "Sod it, get 11."

So I was eating 11 Curly Wurlies
every single day.

Can you imagine
that all clumped together? Yeah.

That's like the size
of a bowling ball.

I didn't like them after eight.

After eight, I was just like...

Don't bring After Eights into this.

And I made an intervention
on myself,

and now they're not allowed
in the house.

But if I've got the chance
to pull something up from a well,

it's these, 11 Curly Wurlies.

Absolutely fascinating. Mm.

Kumail, what would you like
to bring up from a well?

Let's just look at it. OK.
Here it is.

Aw. Aw.

Yep.

It doesn't matter what points you
give me, I'll already have that.

And that is actually
Ed Gamble's trophy,

and when I asked him to do...

If I could borrow it for this,
he said, and I quote,

"It is my greatest love,
equal with my wife.

"If you lose,
I will never speak to you again,"

so it's a real win-win for me.

That renders the whole competition
pointless if you've already got one.

Oh, I've short-circuited
your whole thing, man.

I guess we'll have to
abandon the competition...

...and talk about Curly Wurlies
for a bit longer.

Amy.

I have brought in some custard
in a bowl from the well.

I love custard,

and I used to have one bowl
in my car,

and then I went to five bowls,
and then I went to...

Also, custard is amazing.

So it's a non-Newtonian liquid,

which I've been learning about,

where the viscosity changes
if you put stress on it.

So once it's come up, you can,
like, stomp on it and dance on it,

and there's...

I'm so sorry, Amy...

...you cannot dance on custard.

Yes, you can! I've seen a TikTok.

Different generation.

Right, ready to score these, Greg?
Yep.

It's been over ten years now

that this trophy has annoyed me
because it looks nothing like me.

Sorry, I don't want to see
this awful thing

being pulled up from a well,

and I want this to be the only one
that people are caring about.

You've shot yourself in the foot,
my friend.

One point. What?

OK, I accept. Oh.

I think we all know
who's getting two points.

What?

OK, I accept.

Two points for Joel.

Joanna... Mm-hm?
...I'm doing this for your own good.

I'm only giving you three points.
OK.

So custard's in the top two?
Just checking that.

There's a caveat coming, though. Ooh.

I think the state of the water
in this country is abysmal,

and I think there are some men
and/or women

who should have a plop
in their mouth.

Four points to Armando.

Here's my caveat.

I'm going to give custard five points

because I want to believe
it's a special substance

that defies the laws of physics,

but unless I get written proof
by the end of this episode... Mm.

...I'm going to give you one point.

What? I accept. And there we go.

It goes one, two, three, four,

five points to Amy Gledhill...

But I'll need proof. ..probably.

Probably.

Right, on with the first task.

And now for a demonstration
about renewable energy. Mm!

In a comedy show?

Yes, please. Peace.

JOANNA LAUGHS

What are you doing?

Just powering a battery.

Which batt...? Oh, here.

Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

Wind, solar, dynamo.

Natural sourced energy.

Oh!

"Work out what powers the bulb
in the hat."

OK. Don't know where the hat is.

"Powers the bu..." Oh.

"Work out what powers the bulb
in the lab."

"You may only give one answer,

"and you may only
enter the lab once."

"Fastest correct answer wins.
Your time starts now."

The bike, the solar panel
and the wind machine

are all charging up batteries
in that box, but only one...

Is connected to the bulb in there.
Exactly.

So if I turn on one of
these switches,

but only one...

Oh, no.

What's your logic?

I haven't got any logic
at the minute.

Ah. It's, like, something te...

I need my husband for this,

which I know is a terribly
sexist thing to say,

but it's the truth.

I provide warmth and love,
and he does technical stuff.

Well, you can give him a call.
JOANNA LAUGHS

Thank you, Joanna.

At last,
someone's got the courage to say it.

What's wrong
with just women raising children

while we solve all the problems?

What's wrong with that?

We go out and graft,

you just potter around,
have a coffee with your friends.

And while she's out with the kids,
I'm at work, sure.

I see a male colleague showering -

think I'm not going to jump him?

Sorry.

I'm so sorry. You've got needs.

Shall we see some? Yes.

They had to work out
what powers the bulb in the lab.

One answer, one entry into the lab.

Two people up first
to have their lightbulb moment.

He's from Gloucestershire,
she's from Yorkshire.

Yes, they're both here now -
Joel and Amy.

So if I turn on a switch
and the light's not on,

I know it's not that. Correct.

But there's three things. Yes.

I'm just gonna do...

Wind on.

Dynamo on. Oh, OK, that's on.

You're off, so wind on.

Wind is on. OK.

Wind. Wind.

Ah. Bollocks.

So I'm not allowed in.

I'm gonna get a stick.
You're gonna get a stick?

Did you go in? No, I looked in.

Oh, right, OK. Is that OK?

Yeah, as long as you didn't GO in.
I didn't go in.

I wouldn't dare.

Solar. Solar. OK.

Whoa, interesting.

You like it? I like it.

Oh! Oh!

I've got an idea. What's your idea?

I need, like, a mirror on a stick.
OK.

Have you got one?

Well, I've got to cycle this.
You've got to do that.

That's all right, I can...
I'll work that out.

Ah, fuck!

Shit!

OK.

This is good. It'll be like...

What's that thing called on
a submarine?

A periscope? A periscope.

Exactly like that.

Bloody hell.

O-oh.

I saw the bulb.

You saw the bulb? That's on, right?

Wind is on at the moment.
Wind is on at the moment,

which means...

...it's not the wind.

You've put solar on. Solar on.

Video.

Let's get a video going.

OK.

Let's have a look around.

What have we got?

Ooh.

Ah!

I think that's it!

Solar. Solar?

Solar. Stop the clock.

It's solar. I've stopped the clock.

I literally just could have walked
in the lab.

I could have had one look. Mm-hm.

Ah. That would have been so quick.

Argh!

Not bad.

It's a clever idea, a periscope.

I expect it from Amy,
but not from you. Yeah.

I just want to say,
I'm having a well good time.

Well, I also think that it is
a great word in the Hull accent. Mm.

Periscope.

It was the solar power
that turned the bulb on.

Amy, 9 minutes 40... Ooh.
...you got that answer.

Joel, 6 minutes 48. Whoa! Yeah!

Now it's Armando Iannucci.

Yes, it's silly smart person time.

Right. Is the bulb in the lab?

There is a bulb in the lab, yes.

There is a bulb in the lab.
One of us is controlling it.

We all go into that box and charge
a battery... Yeah.

...but only one of the switches
works. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah? It's time. Time's involved.

Time, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Fastest wins. Bye-bye. Yeah.

ARMANDO HUMS

Hello.

What works it? Well, it's not...
Is it on?

ARMANDO CHUCKLES
Is it on?

Right.

But it wasn't on, was it?

The slight problem was...
Hello, Armando.

...the bulb wasn't really on.

No, well, you haven't turned
any of the switches on yet.

Right, so, wind.

You've put wind on, so that
might have turned the bulb on.

Yes, it might have.

BUZZER

No.

I'm just going to say dynamo.

That's your guess? Yeah.

You think I'm powering the bulb?
Yep.

I mean, I didn't understand
your plan or logic.

I'm coming to the realisation
that I didn't have one. No.

I don't know,
I thought solar would be boring,

and I know that's not
a scientific answer.

I've logged the time... Thank you.

...I've logged that you find
solar power boring... Yep.

...and you can go. Thank you.

Do you, um...? Mm.

Do you ever think that maybe
someone else wrote Veep? Yeah.

I have started to wonder, yeah.

A ghostwriter, perhaps. Yeah.

I think it happened
during my nap time.

It's the one task of all of these

that I just know I didn't engage
with in any way whatsoever.

You think it's the ONE time?
The one...

Absolutely fascinating. Yeah.

But we can all agree on one thing,
I think -

solar, it's boring.

You go and watch some ads,

we're going to work on our abs.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's part two, and we're saving
the planet with renewable energy.

Yes, we are, one task at a time.

There are three renewable
energy sources on the go,

but which one is powering
the lightbulb in the lab?

Well, we know that it's solar power,
right, Armando?

But will Kumail and Joanna
figure it out?

And if so, how?

So right now, the bulb is off?

Right now, the bulb is off.

Is the bulb on now? I don't know.

You DO know.

Don't lie to me, just say,
"I don't want to tell you."

I don't want to tell you.

Is the bulb on now?

I don't want to tell you.

Is the bulb on now?
I don't want to tell you.

You're a quick learner.

So that...

Right, I don't think
it's windy enough

for that to be making
any difference at all.

I will tell you, though, Jo,

they've stored enough energy
to be able to do it.

That's been going all morning,

this has been in the sun,

so it could be any of them.

I'm going to take a look at the lab,
but I'm not going to walk in.

You've turned wind on.

OK, right. So that isn't on.

That's not on now.

All right, it was worth a shot.

OK, so I've been in there
and the lamp is off.

It's off, yes.
Well, all the switches are off.

Oh, my God,

so I have to turn one of these on
to make that work first of all?

Would've thought so.

Oh!

Wind's been on for a while now -
four minutes.

But the battery won't run out, right?

No. Battery won't run out. Wind off.

Something about the bulb being warm.

The bulb gets warm.

I think I've figured it out.

I keep one on...

...I turn one other one on, I go in.

If the bulb is warm, it's wind.

If the bulb is on, it's solar.

If the bulb is off and cold,
it's dynamo.

Wow.

Solar on.

Its solar.

Its solar.

How do you know?
Well, the bulb was on. Oh.

Well, it's a sunny day.

It's a sunny day.

I don't think you're doing anything
of any good on there,

and it's not windy enough,
in my opinion.

I'm going to put that on.
Solar's on.

Well, my God, I thought it
was more complicated, to be honest.

I'm going with solar.

There you go.

And you have no idea if you're
right or wrong. I have no idea.

- See you later.
- See you later.
JOANNA LAUGHS

As usual, Joanna displays
the confidence and authority

that belies her actual ability.

I didn't, and I still don't,
understand any of that.

I know.

And I think I thought
that you just do...

That you just...

That you can't do that
more than once.

I didn't understand it.
Joanna is winning the series.

Can I ask,
did she beat me on this task?

I'm going to tell you this.

Kumail,

you weren't even quicker than Joel.

Come on.
Wow!

Are you fucking kidding me?

I thought of my idea
when I went to the toilet

to fix my hair in the mirror.

Amy was 9 minutes 40, so 2 points.

Kumail, 7 minutes 40, 3 points.

Then we know Joel got 6 minutes 48.

Joanna, 6 minutes 46.

Wow.

Can I just check? So Armando
got it wrong and was disqualified -

does he get any points?

I don't think we can give
Professor Sleepy any points for that.

OK, there we go. Zero to Armando.

The winner of the task was Joanna
with five points.

Wa-hey! Wow! Wow!

Oh, my God, wow.

Let's see a scoreboard,
you smelly boy.

Aw. Thank you.

Well, I think Kumail will be
very pleased to hear

that he's now in joint last
in the episode with Armando.

You've got four points,
Joanna's got eight points.

She's in the lead.

Very good. What's next, please?

Next, it's a task
that purports to be sports.

Oh, this is new.

Hello.

Oh, yes!

Ah, yes.

Yes! Yes. It's tennis time.

May I? Tuck in.

It's a cooking apple.

Tart.

Do you play tennis? Yeah, big time.

You're good? Mm-hm. You are? Yeah.

"Leave the most pink balls
on the other side of the court

"at the end of the task."

"You may only touch balls
with rackets."

"You will lose one pink ball
for every blue ball

"left on your side of the court
at the end of the task."

"Alex must freeze for 30 seconds
every time you strike the gong..."

"..with the ball."

"You have five minutes.
Your time starts on the whistle."

So, Armando, my job is to hit blue
balls into your side of the court.

Oh, YOU'VE got the blue balls.
Right. Yeah.

And I'll also try to get rid of
any pink balls on my side.

OK.

That was cool.

That looked better than
I thought it was gonna.

Well, Alex did explain the rules
of this game to me,

and I do think it's potentially
very exciting,

but for that whole introduction VT,

I just couldn't take my eyes off
Joel eating a cooking apple.

I found it excruciating.

I had 11.

Let's see the sport.
I can't wait to see this in action.

Up first on Centre Court it is
Joanna Page versus Alex Horne

and Kumail Nanjiani
versus Alex Horne.

I can only use the rackets. OK.

Oh, no!

OK.

There.

KUMAIL LAUGHS
Sorry.

Woof!

I don't even know why I said "Woof",

but I was really pleased!

That's a relief.

BELL DINGS

BELL DINGS

THEY PANT

AUDIENCE GASP

How the hell....?

How did this happen?!

Argh! How did this happen?!

KUMAIL PANTS

GONG ECHOES, WHISTLE BLOWS

JOANNA EXHALES

WHISTLE BLOWS

JOANNA PANTS
Good game.

Good game. Do you want to do
the thing where you jump over?

You want me to jump over?
Don't people do that?

Who wins jumps over?
Don't think about it, just do it.

Just do it.

How'd you find the game?

I mean, I hated it.

I didn't think of the bucket.
That was very smart.

This has sat with me
since we did this one, right?

And it's really annoyed me.

And if I was going to do it again,
right,

I would have just let you do
all the blue balls

and I'd have just gone boom, boom,
boom, boom, taken them all out,

and I would have got the bucket,
run round

and then poured them all out.

And then, I thought,
I would have fought you.

I would have either pinned you
to the ground

or I'd have got your waist
and I'd have held you down.

Yeah. I would've helped
you kick his ass.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean,
I don't think you would need to,

because I would bet the lives of
all those dear to me

that Joanna Page could have
Alex Horne.

I could have him.

I could have had Alex...
I'm not disputing that.

...if I thought about it more. Yeah.

I think a trend started
during that VT

of me getting distracted
by one thing.

In the last one, it was Joel
eating cooking apples.

In this one,

it was something you said
after a triumphant move.

Woof!

Lovely stuff. Yeah.

Who's next? Yeah.

So they got -4 for Kumail
and -11 for Joanna,

but there's more to see.

And these two are grouped together
pretty often this series,

but they have
very different life goals.

It's Amy and Joel.

BUZZER
"You may only touch balls

"with rackets."

"You may only touch balls with
rackets.

"You may only touch balls
with rackets."

Damn, I'm so bad at tennis.

Oh, I can touch the bucket.
I can touch the bucket.

Oh, what are you doing?

I can touch the bucket.
Yep, that's fine. Ah!

BUZZER
"You may only touch balls

"with rackets."

No! Oh!

GONG ECHOES
Ah!

You must only touch balls
with rackets. Oh.

Oh, I must only touch balls
with rackets.

OK, that makes it better.

You do have two rackets,
if that helps.

Oh. OK.

Ah!
AMY LAUGHS

Oh!

OK.
JOEL GRUNTS

Right, I'm moving. No. No. Stop!

How's it going? It's pretty good.

Yeah? Yeah. How are you doing?

AMY LAUGHS
No!

JOEL GRUNTS
- Oof!
- Sorry.

Sorry, that was very aggressive.

Piss off, Alex!

I heard that. Sorry.

Sorry. Oh, my God.

KLAXON BLARES
Ha.

Is that...? Oh. Ah! Ah!

JOEL PANTS
- Thank you, Joel.
- Thank you.

AMY LAUGHS
Argh!

JOEL CLEARS THROAT
How are you doing, Joel?

GONG ECHOES
Ah!

JOEL LAUGHS
Oh, that was an absolute a slam dunk.

Ah.

Alex, you're horrible.

You're a nasty little boy. Right.

Do you understand all the rules
of the task, Joel?

No, not entirely. No.

Have I done it bad?
You're supposed to...

Am I supposed to get the blue
ones on this side?

You're supposed to have pink ones
on this side... Yeah.

...and no blue ones on your side.

Ah. Mm. That's bad. Yeah.

Oh, no, look at this mess!

WHISTLE BLOWS
Ah. Bless you.

Oh, God!

WHISTLE BLOWS

JOEL EXHALES

Ah.

Well, that was great, man.

Did you enjoy that, Amy?

No. No, I didn't, and...

There were clues - "Piss off!"

"Look at all this mess!"

I...

I like you, Alex, but for that
however long that task was,

I hated your guts.

You really had the...
You were so cruel!

You had the demeanour
of a stroppy teenager

who'd been told to tidy her room.

Joel, I don't know how we're
going to crush your spirits.

I don't...

KUMAIL LAUGHS

You know, you're like a cockroach
in a nuclear war.

I don't know
what we've got to do to you.

I realised when Alex
was telling me the rules

during the game of tennis

that I was breaking all of
the rules, because I was...

It was such a delicious
cooking apple.

What do we do about the fact
that he used his hands?

Does he get any points in this task?
Oh, come on.

He's not going to win the series.

Right, that's part two ticked.
We'll see you shortly.

Hello, everyone.

It's good to have you back.

That's right,
and I've been told to say

I'm especially glad to see those
in the 16 to 34 demographic.

It's recap time.

So they had to leave
the most pink balls... Ha-ha!

...on my side of the court
at the end of the task,

and will lose one pink ball

for every blue ball left
on their side of the court.

Here we go. It's Armando.

Hang on, I've got to do this.

ARMANDO CHUCKLES

What are you...? Right.

I'll do that. And then...

I could lob some apples over
as well.

Five more seconds.

Have I done something wrong?

No? No, unfortunately not.

This is great.
I'm enjoying this, then.

Are you? Have I broken you?

How long?
I can move in five seconds.

Oh, no, you can't.
GONG ECHOES

Right.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Ooh.

GONG ECHOES
Oh, I see. Right.

Thank you. Good game.
Oh, no, I should go over there.

Well played. Well done.

Oh, goodbye, Professor Sleepy.

Dr Gong is in the house.

Absolutely spectacular. Yeah.

And frustrating from my point
of view.

Didn't see that coming,

but it didn't say you had
to stay in your half. No.

Very good. I have to say,

it was the most fun
I had all series,

just doing it to you. Mm.

Did you know that
that was the solution to it,

or did he surprise you?

He surprised...
There's never one solution.

There's always ways... I know.
Don't give me the whole thing.

Finally.

+50 for Armando. Yeah!

That's plus all the balls! Wow.

Kumail, -4, 4 points.
Joanna, -11, 3 points.

Joel gets two points
for coming fourth,

and Amy gets 1 point with -28.

But it's all about Armando Iannucci.
Well done, Armando.

So good.

And I would love one more.

Pop on your flip-flops
and prepare to be penalised. Mm.

Alex.

I'm getting on the target.

"Catch a flip-flop flung from the
flip-flop flinger with one foot."

"You may not use your hands.
You have fl-ive attempts."

"If you fail,
you must do a flip-flop forfeit."

"Your time starts now."

Can I remove my trousers? Yeah.

Do I have to remove MY trousers?

Oh, yeah. No. No?

It's not fl-ery accurate,
but I'll do my best.

I don't care how
fl-ucking accurate it is,

it's all part of the fl-un.

Like, do you know what I mean?
So tight.

Just the cuff is tight. Thank you.

So it's with my foot, isn't it? Yes.

Fail.

JOANNA CHUCKLES
- - Did you catch it?
- No!
- No. OK.

ARMANDO CHUCKLES
That's never going to happen.

Ah!

Ooh.
JOANNA LAUGHS

Right, there we go.

This is an old Pakistani
catching technique called...

"..giving birth." Let's go.

THEY GRUNT

Argh, man!

That's all fl-ive flung.

Oh, I could have got that one!

It's a fl-orfeit. It's a fl-orfeit.

If you go to the flip-flop forfeit
table over there... Yeah.

...I'll meet you in one minute.

Please select a forfeit.

Do you have any recollection
of flip-flop forfeits?

I've never heard that term before
because you made it up. You have.

"Write down a forfeit
for a contestant

"who does not complete
the flip-flop task."

"The forfeit that pleases
the Taskmaster the most wins."

Great. See you later.

Can't wait to do
the flip-flop forfeit someday.

Well, I don't think it's possible to
catch a flip-flop on your foot.

Yes, it was impossible.
This is all about the forfeit.

Remember, the forfeit that pleases
the Taskmaster the most wins.

Let's see Kumail and Joanna's
forfeits first. Mm.

I don't remember
what a flip-flop forfeit is.

One of your fellow contestants
wrote that,

as you wrote one for them.

Oh, my God.

What did I tell THEM to do?

God, this is a lot. Oh, my God.

Say, "I apologise for
all of the diarrhoea,"

in three different non-English
languages

while putting on seven jackets.

78 jackets?!

No. Are they serious?

Oh, it's seven jackets
and they crossed out the eight!

Uh, I don't know very much
about Greg,

but you're very tall.

Seven jackets for you. OK.

Thank you. One size fits all.

There's a show, I think,

where you play someone
who cleans dead bodies.

Love that show.

So good.

WHISTLE BLOWS
OK, you've done the forfeit.

KUMAIL SIGHS

Seem like you take your vitamins.

Uh... Really?
KUMAIL LAUGHS

OK.

You're ready for part two
of the forfeit.

Oh, no. What?

Asterisk...

2 minutes 47.

So that's £247?

No, minutes have 60 seconds
in this country.

Joanna,
I think you're wasted in acting

when you could have a perfectly good
career in global interpreting.

Do you remember what you said
for the French one?

Le poo-poo avec - with...

Juice. Avec le jus.

The poo with the juice... Yeah.
which I think sounds...

Oh, yes, right.
...yeah, like diarrhoea.

Oh, I see, cos it's diarrhoea. Yeah!

It's diarrhoea. Ah!

It's the poo with the juice,
which I thought was really good.

If yours were tested, it would be
mainly Curly Wurly, of course.

Kumail, I presume you have
some sweet cash for me.

Oh, that's why you asked me.
You remembered!

It's in Scottish.

Let's talk, Dr Gong.

Is this genuinely Kumail's money?
Uh-huh.

I'm keeping it.

Oh. Let's see some more.

Amy and Armando are next up
to get their comeuppance.

Cook an egg backwards,

starting with cooked egg, poached,

and ending with egg back in shell.

You must hop at all times. Thanks.

"Thanks"?

It's a bit rude to put "thanks"
at the end of that.

Can I look at both? No. No. Right.

Well, I'll just do this one, then.

"Be slapped once with the flip-flop

"in any strength or manner
you so desire."

Do I need to nominate a slapper?

I will be slapping.
You will be slapping. OK.

Hello, madam.

Thank you so much.

If you could cook the egg
backwards... Yeah.

...while hopping. While hopping.

I want you to slap me in the flank.
Yes, sure.

Who do you think came up with
this forfeit?

- Some wanker.
- Some wanker?
AMY LAUGHS

Ow.

Same place? No, a bit lower.

Yeah, that's it.

That's pretty good.

Oh, it'd be great
if that closed properly.

Oh, lord!

You're just wringing out an egg,
are you? Yeah.

Ready? Yeah.

Yes. Good. Thank you.

Thank you. I'll never do it again.

Quite right too.
Sorry. Sorry, Mr Alex.

Perfect.

Mm, I'm hungry.

I'll tell you what, Amy, it's a shame

you're not getting scored on how well
you did the task... Yeah. OK.

...because you cooked an egg backwards
beautifully. While hopping.

And how about the slapping video?

Actually, I had a twinge there,
so it was quite good.

You genuinely both looked like
you were having too good a time.

That's the end of part three.

In the final part of the show,

someone will win some chocolate,
some custard,

or the most worthless thing of all,

the Taskmaster trophy.

We'll see you in a bit.

Oh, hello. Thank you,

and welcome to
the final part of the show,

and of course, the final forfeit.

Here we go, then.

All alone,
with a self-inflicted forfeit,

it's Billy No-Mates Joel.

I'm going this one.

What have you got, Joel?

Listen to Joel Dommett's voice
for one full hour.

And in the brackets, I put,
"From The Masked Singer."

We've recorded Joel Dommett's voice.

You're going to listen to it
for an hour.

I really wanted someone else
to get that.

Pop that on.

And let's play Joel Dommett
from The Masked Singer.

Oh, my God, it's Greg Davies from

Never Mind The Buzzcocks
and Taskmaster!

Wow.

Oh, my God...

It's so bad.
JOEL LAUGHS

MUFFLED RECORDING
Ah, it's so...

JOEL LAUGHS

Whoa!

Oh, my God.

To your ears!
Peace and love to y'all.

Wow.
JOEL GROANS

Oh, my God, it's Alex Horne!

JOEL GROANS

Hope you have a wonderful time...

Joel?

JOEL SIGHS

Oh, man.

It was so bad. Yeah.

Joel...

...why did you still have
no trousers on?

It somehow made
the whole thing worse, didn't it?

Listening to yourself
without any pants -

you're ready for Hollywood, my man.

Oh, it was awful.

And it was just, like,
over and over.

It was, like, a really short clip

that just kept on going
over and over again.

Even me speaking now,
it's giving me PTSD.

That's forever. Forever.

OK, well, I'm going to give one point
to Joanna's bottom slap thing,

purely because she made it so easy
for it to be a pleasant experience.

Yes, she is too nice for this task.

Whilst I found it incredibly
entertaining to watch,

I don't think it was
particularly hard

to speak foreign languages very badly
and mention poo.

Two points. Right.

I think cooking an egg backwards
is fiendish.

Three points. OK.

I think that Amy
has only got four points

because I've got
a pocket full of cash.

But I was watching you on your hands
and knees in your pants,

being tortured by your own soul,

and I found myself welling up
a little bit.

You mean WELLing up.

Yeah!

Boo!

Five points to the broken boy.
Joel Dommett! Well done, Joel.

All right, everyone,

please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!

Everyone looks silly apart from Joel.

Right, then, Greg.
Yeah, who's going to read it?

I think Armando.
Would you like to open it

or would you like me to open it?
Oh, hello. Yes, I can do that.

"Put the correct sock
on an appendage

"and poke it out
of the correct hole first.

"The fastest each time
goes through to the next round,

"and one person
is eliminated each round.

"Last player standing wins."

Greg will say a combination
of colour of sock

and position of hole -

top, middle, bottom.

It's then a race to put the correct
sock through the correct hole.

So...

I feel like I should ask a question.

Well, I'll answer it
before you answer.

You're not allowed to put a sock
on your penis.

Are you ready? Yeah.
Remember, fastest goes through.

Red, top.

On. It's got to be...
JOANNA SCREAMS

AUDIENCE GASP
- Oh, my word!
- Shit. Shit.

AUDIENCE GASP
OK. It was so close.

I can tell you the first person
through round one

is Kumail. Well done, Kumail.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next.

Yellow, bottom.

Ooh. Ooh, another quick one. Oh!

That was neck and neck between
Dr Gong and Joel.

It was between Dr Gong and Joel.

He's come out of there!

The next person through

- is Armando.
- Wa-hey!
APPLAUSE

Are you ready? Yes.

Green, middle.

Ooh. Ooh. No contest. No contest.

Joel, you're through. Joel, through.

APPLAUSE

Either Joanna or Amy are going out
from round one.

Orange, top.

Ooh.

The next person through to round two

is Joanna.
We have lost Amy Gledhill.

Aw!
APPLAUSE

Poor Amy Gledhill.

To signify Amy is out,
we're just going to swivel.

So you're now just in prison.

There you are. Aw. Aw.

In round two, there are
two socks and two positions.

AMY GASPS
Here we go.

Purple, top. Red, middle.

Purple, top and red, middle.

Ooh. And red, middle. I can't...

And red, middle. Red, middle.

Ooh! Yes! Red, middle.

Ah. It's quite clear

that Kumail Nanjiani
is through to round three.

Well done, Kumail.

- Whoo!
- Are you ready?
APPLAUSE

Orange, bottom. Green, middle.
Orange, bottom. Green, middle.

Orange, bottom. Green, middle.

JOEL GRUNTS
Comfortably Joel, I would say.

Joel Dommett,
through to round three.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I think I've finally found my vibe.

It's Armando versus Joanna
to stay in the game. Right. Ooh.

Yellow, top. Yellow, bottom.

JOANNA GRUNTS
- Oh!
- Ooh!

We've lost Joanna. We have.
We've lost Joanna Page!

Armando goes through.
APPLAUSE

You'll be surprised to hear
it's three socks, three positions.

Ah! Wild!

I'd like to reiterate my rule.

You must put one on the penis -
is that the rule?

Yeah. OK.

Orange, top. Red, top.
Yellow, bottom.

ALL GASP

Armando got through!
Armando, straight through.

Oh, very slow from Joel.

So it's Kumail versus Joel
to join Armando in the final.

Top, middle, bottom...

...red, orange, green - traffic light.

Red, top. Orange, middle.
Green, bottom.

Red, top. Amber, middle.
Green, bottom.

Oh, no.

ALL GASP

Kumail's through to the final!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So this is the final.

So you've got a phrase there,
Greg, on your card.

I will say,
you will be using the side windows.

What? AMY: Ooh!
Both of them, please.

Both of them. Yes.

Jazz hands, stripy socks.

They've both got to come out.

Hey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Armando wins five points! Well...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'll add that to the final scores.
Come down and join me.

I discovered that Kumail
had his socks,

every colour, on a holster
around his waist,

but he only had one of each... Oh.

...so when it came to the final,
Armando Iannucci took it.

Well done, Armando. Yeah!

Who thought? Who saw this coming?

So on we go? Final scoreboard? Yes.

We have a matter to resolve first.
Yes.

I can't tell you how she's done yet,
because Amy...

Oh, yes. ..needs to give you proof
that custard has a special property.

Show him your custard.

"It's a non-Newtonian fluid,

"does not follow the standard
rules of Newtonian fluids

"like water...."

She's right. There we go.

Wow.

So that means Amy
does get the full five points

for the prize task... She does.

...and that means that
Amy comes last with 13 points.

The winner of the episode,
with 17 points, is Armando Iannucci!

Armando Iannucci wins!

Please wander up
to winch up your winnings!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media