All language subtitles for B.S01E13.Ill.Be.Your.Meyer.Lansky.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-Cinefeel_track3_[eng]

( rings )

( fanfare playing )

( exhales sharply )

( inhales sharply )

( exhales )

( inhales sharply )

( exhaling )
OH, GOD.

( gags )

- READY?
- READY.

Eric:
AND THE FUNDAMENTAL
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

AN "S" CORP
AND A "C" CORP

IS EXPECTED INCOME
AND SUBSEQUENT EXPECTED
PROFIT MARGIN.

- ( groans loudly )
- IN THE EXAMPLE I GAVE,

THE TAXABLE INCOME
FOR YOUR "S" CORP WOULD

INDIRECTLY BENEFIT
SHAREHOLDERS WHO ARE
TAXED DIRECTLY ON THEIR 1040.

NOW, NONE OF THIS ADDRESSES
THE PROBLEM OF HOW YOU MEET
YOUR OPERATING COSTS,

WHILE MAINTAINING SOMETHING
WITH MORE FORTITUDE THAN
AN L.L.C.

THE "S" CORP CAN PURCHASE
LIABILITY INSURANCE ON
YOUR BEHALF,

BUT THE DOWNSIDE
OF LIABILITY INSURANCE
PURCHASED BY AN ENTITY MEANT

TO BE A PASS-THROUGH
FOR TAX PURPOSES IS
SIGNIFICANT.

NOW AS FOR THE PROFIT
AND LOSS COLUMN YOU
FINALLY INCLUDED--

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

- WHAT?
- I CAN SEE YOU.

I CAN SEE ALL
THE THINGS YOU'RE DOING.

I'M SORRY, WE'RE TRYING.
WE ATE POWER BARS
BEFORE COMING.

I JUMPED ON
A TRAMPOLINE.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
IMPORTANT FINANCIAL MATTERS,

BUT AS USUAL, NEITHER OF YOU
IS TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

WE GOT RID
OF THE HATBOXES,

- WE BOUGHT A BINDER.
- A "SOUTH PARK" BINDER.

WHAT, NUMBERS
CAN'T BE FUN?

YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME.

THE TWO OF YOU ARE CHILDREN.

YOU SAY YOU'RE TRYING
TO RUN A BUSINESS,

BUT YOU DON'T CHARGE
HALF YOUR STUDENTS.

- HER FAULT.
- YOU SOMEHOW MANAGE

TO LOSE MONEY
ON YOUR ANNUAL FUNDRAISER.

- HER FAULT.
- YOU THINK YOU CAN

CLOSE DOWN THE STUDIO
ANYTIME YOU HAVE A BAD DAY.

- YEAH, WELL, BOTH OF US.
- THAT'S BOTH OF US.

YOU ACT AS IF YOU HAVE
A THRIVING BUSINESS AND
ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD,

BUT YOU DON'T.
THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE

IS A NOT-FOR-PROFIT DANCE
SCHOOL AND A LOT OF LAND

THAT'S JUST SITTING
OUT THERE DOING NOTHING.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT IT TO DO?
- IT'S LAND!

IT'S WHAT EVERYTHING
IN COMMERCE IS BASED ON.

LOOK, IF THE LAND
ISN'T VALUABLE,

THEN MAYBE SOMETHING
ON THE LAND IS VALUABLE.

LIKE WE HAVE GOLD
IN THEM THERE HILLS?

- I HIGHLY DOUBT IT.
- OH, BUT YOU SAY IT POSSIBLE,

SO WE SHOULD PAN
FOR GOLD.

GET A DONKEY
AND A SLUICER.

WHAT'S A SLUICER?

I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT PANNING FOR GOLD.

A SLUICER--
THAT THING THAT SLUICES.

- I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT IS.
- FOR GOLD.

IN THE RIVER-- YOU GO IN,
YOU GET THE ROCKS AND YOU...

( mimics rattling )

- THAT'S CALLED
A SLUICER?
- YEAH.

LET'S LOOK IT UP
ON THE INTERNET.

NO. NO.
NO INTERNET.

NO SLEEPING
OR HOLDING YOUR EYES OPEN
OR MIMING KILLING YOURSELF.

YES, I SAW THAT.
WE'RE DONE.

WE'RE SORRY.

PLEASE, JUST TELL US
WHAT TO DO WITH OUR LAND.

I DON'T CARE!
ANYTHING.

I HAVE CLIENTS
WHO HAVE STABLES.

THEY GIVE PONY RIDES.
THAT EARNS INCOME.

YOU HAVE TWO FARMS
IN YOUR VICINITY.
THAT EARNS INCOME.

THERE'S AN OSTRICH FARM
THREE MILES AWAY,

AN ALPACA FARM
RIGHT DOWN THE ROAD.

I'M NOT TELLING YOU
TO GET ALPACAS.

I HOPE NOT.
DOESN'T SEEM SAFE

WITH THAT SLUICER
AROUND.

( sighs )

( theme music playing )

- ( school bell rings )
- EVERY YEAR!

THE SAME DECADES-OLD
PROJECTOR,

THE SAME
TERRIFYING MOVIE,

THE SAME 1976
"MIRACLE OF LIFE."

YOU KNOW WHAT
THE MIRACLE IS?

THAT ANYBODY
GOT PREGNANT GIVEN

THE AMOUNT
OF BODY HAIR GOING ON.

NO MORE TALKING.
I'M ALREADY NAUSEOUS.

WHY DO THEY EVEN
CALL IT HEALTH CLASS?

WHAT'S HEALTHY ABOUT IT?!
YOU COME OUT, YOU'RE SICK!

THEY SHOULD CALL IT
SICK CLASS.

THANKS, SEINFELD.

WOW.

Melanie:
ARE THEY ORGANIZING A UNION?

Ginny:
OCCUPYING WALL STREET?

DOING THE FINALE
FROM "LES MIS."

- THAT WAS IT!
- ( applause )

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW THEY GOT SO POPULAR
SO FAST.

MAYBE THEY GIVE OUT
THE FULL-SIZE CANDY BARS

AT HALLOWEEN.

( indistinct chattering )

WAIT.
JUST WANNA SEE

IF THEY SHOW UP
ON FILM.

- OR ON PHONE.
- ( school bell rings )

SENDING IT
TO SASHA AND BOO.

TELL THEM ABOUT THE LAUGHTER
AND THE APPLAUSE,

AND THE CASUAL LEANING
THAT IS SO CLEARLY REHEARSED.

- ON IT.
- MEL.

HOLD ON.
STUPID SMART TYPE

KEEPS CHANGING "APPLAUSE"
TO "APPLESAUCE."

Stacia:
WHY DIDN'T YOU
ANSWER MY MESSAGE?

UM, WOW. I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS IN CLASS.

Mel:
PONYTAIL GIRL IS GIVING HIM
A HARD TIME AGAIN.

YES, AND I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT
STUDYING IS FOR YOU.

YOU'RE SO
INCREDIBLY STUDIOUS.

- STACIA--
- WHATEVER!

OVER AND OUT, LOSER.
I'M DONE.

SERIOUSLY?

- DID SHE JUST DUMP HIM?
- YEP.

- IN PUBLIC.
- YEP.

CAN I BUY HER
A FRICKIN' PONY?

PUT ME DOWN FOR HALF.

JUST GIVE ME
MY SWEATSHIRT BACK.

Charlie:
IT'S MY SWEATSHIRT!
FINE!

YOU WANT MY SWEATSHIRT SO
YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO
REMEMBER ME BY?

I GET IT.

Crowd:
OH!

( all murmuring )

AND CUT.

HELLO, SUNDANCE.

Michelle:
I'M SORRY, CAN WE FIRE HIM?
'CAUSE HE'S A JERK.

Fanny:
HE'S YOUR GUY.

HE'S NOT MY GUY.
I JUST GOOGLED

"ACCOUNTANT" AND "PARADISE"
AND THIS IS WHAT CAME UP.

TERRIFIC. SO HE'S
A "BETTER CALL SAUL"?

HIS "YELP" REVIEWS
WERE PRETTY STRONG.

"YELP" IS FOR PEOPLE
WHO PHOTOGRAPH THEIR FOOD.

Fanny:
OOH, CANDLES.

WELL, ALL I KNOW IS
I CAN NEVER GO BACK
IN THAT OFFICE AGAIN,

BECAUSE THE NEXT TIME
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH,

I'M GOING TO HAUL OFF
AND SLAP HIS FACE,

AND THEN I'LL JUST BE
ONE OF THOSE WOMEN

WHO GOES AROUND
SLAPPING FACES.

SUDDENLY I'M
ZSA ZSA GABOR.

- Michelle:
THEY'RE CUTE, THOUGH.
- WHAT?

- ALPACAS.
- MICHELLE.

HE'S FIRED.
WE HATE HIM.

SO WHAT NOW?
GO BACK TO THE HATBOXES?

NO, WE CAN NEVER GO BACK
TO THE HATBOXES.

IT'S A POINT OF PRIDE.
WE HAVE MOVED BEYOND
THE HATBOX.

SO, YOU--

YEAH, I HAVE NO IDEA
WHERE I PUT THEM.

WOW, YOU REALLY WERE
TALKING ABOUT CANDLES.

I WAS SURE IT WAS CODE
FOR SOMETHING GOOD.

I LOVE HOMEMADE CANDLES.

THEY ARE SO HARD
TO FIND SOMETIMES.

I MEAN, TRULY HOMEMADE.

( inhales )
PICK. WHICH ONE?

ARE WE GOING FOR SAD AND UGLY
OR JUST POORLY-MADE?

THESE ARE FANTASTIC.
I WANT THEM ALL.

WOW, THEY SMELL BAD TOO--
EXCELLENT.

YOU ARE AN ARTISAN!

THANK YOU.

FIND ONE THAT MATCHES.

PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE
DECORATED HER HOUSE

WITH DOZENS OF
CHIANTI BOTTLES

WITH CANDLES
IN VARIOUS STAGES
OF MELTING.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT
THAT WAS SO ROMANTIC

- AS A THEME.
- UH, FANNY?

I KNOW. YOU THINK
I HAVE A LOT OF THEMES
GOING ON IN MY HOUSE,

BUT THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT
MY HOUSE, YOU KNOW?

- I THINK WE'RE ON
OUR LAND.
- WHAT?

THIS IS OUR LAND.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
OUR LAND IS OVER...

- HERE.
- YEAH.

- 'CAUSE THAT'S THE--
- THE TREE WITH THE--

- AND OVER THERE IS THE--
- THE BARN WITH THE--

- SO THAT MEANS THAT--
- THIS IS OUR PROPERTY.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING ON OUR PROPERTY?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I RENT THIS FROM
THE ALPACA GUY.

WAIT A MINUTE,
YOU'RE PAYING RENT?

HE JUST RAISED ME 5%.

IT WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE THREE,

BUT YOU KNOW
THOSE ALPACA GUYS.

EXACTLY HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN RENTING THIS LAND?

OH, BOY, I DON'T KNOW.
10 YEARS?

10 YEARS!
FANNY.

- I HEARD.
- NOT ONLY ARE NOT
MAKING ANY MONEY

OFF OF OUR LAND,
BUT APPARENTLY THE
CREEPY HIPPIES ARE!

HOW DID YOU
NOW KNOW THIS?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IT'S NOT LIKE I WALK AROUND
EVERY INCH OF MY LAND

EVERY DAY WITH MY HOUNDS,
LIKE "PRIDE AND PREJUDICE."

ERIC THE DULL ACCOUNTANT
WAS RIGHT.

WE HAVE LAND AND WE'RE NOT
DOING ANYTHING WITH IT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WE HAVE A CANDLE STAND.

WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING.
WE GOTTA MAKE MONEY
OFF THIS PLACE.

- BY DOING WHAT?
- I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S GOT GRASS AND TREES.
WHAT ABOUT PICNICS?

PICNICS?

WE SHOULD GO INTO
THE LUCRATIVE BUSINESS

OF PEOPLE BRINGING
THEIR OWN FOOD

AND EATING IT
ON OUR LAWN?

FINE, FORGET THE PICNICS.

WHAT ABOUT A THEATER?

OR AN OUTDOOR AMPHITHEATER
KINDA THING?

- AN AMPHITHEATER?
- YEAH.

YOU KNOW,
WE'RE ALWAYS LOOKING

FOR SPOTS TO RENT
FOR OUR PERFORMANCES.

WHY SHOULD WE PAY
OTHER PEOPLE FOR THAT?

- WE COULD DO THEM HERE.
- IT WILL GIVE THE PICNICKERS

SOMETHING TO WATCH
WHILE THEY EAT.

NO, I MEAN IT.
WE COULD ALSO RENT IT OUT

FOR OTHER THINGS.

WEDDINGS WOULD BE
REALLY PRETTY HERE.

- TRUE.
- BIRTHDAYS, GRADUATION PARTIES,

SCHOOL FUNCTIONS,
COMMUNITY THEATER!

- LIKE THE DELACORTE.
- EXACTLY!

A LOW-RENT
DELACORTE THEATER.

AND I'M JOSEPH PAPP.

ABSOLUTELY.
A LOW-RENT JOSEPH PAPP.

WE COULD BOOK ROAD COMPANIES,
TOURING GROUPS, ROCK BANDS!

"ACE FREHLEY'S NEPHEWS
PLAY THE MUSIC OF KISS."

- THIS IS A GOOD IDEA.
- IT IS A GOOD IDEA.

HEY. YOU HAVE
TO PAY FOR THOSE.

OH! SORRY.

- HOW MUCH?
- WELL--

WAIT A MINUTE!
YOU'RE ON MY PROPERTY...

ILLEGALLY, AND YOU HAVE
BEEN FOR THE LAST 10 YEARS.

THESE ARE FOR RENT.

AND THIS IS FOR RENT.

AND THIS--
THEY'RE ALL FOR RENT.

- AH, SO PRETTY.
- MM.

- ( knocks on door )
- DUDE! I'VE BEEN DOWNSTAIRS
FOR A YEAR

- WAITING FOR
YOUR PATHETIC ASS.
- ( sad music playing )

( sighing ) SO?

I HAVE TO GET TO CLASS;
YOU NEED TO DRIVE ME.

YOU... DRIVE ME...

IS TIME.

MORON NO SPEAK ANYMORE?

GET UP!

- ( groans )
- ( music stops )

- HEY!
- I'M SORRY, YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO LISTEN TO

"VAMPIRE DOESN'T
SPARKLE ANYMORE" MUSIC
AFTER YOU DRIVE ME TO CLASS.

LET'S GO!
I'M GONNA BE LATE!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- I'M SICK.
- AND UGLY.

NEVER HAS STOPPED YOU
FROM DRIVING BEFORE.

- WHAT'S THIS?
- GO.

- YOU WANT ME TO DRIVE
YOUR CAR?
- YUP.

- YOU'RE GONNA LET ME
DRIVE YOUR CAR?
- SURE.

EVEN THOUGH
I'M A TERRIBLE DRIVER?

AND I DON'T HAVE
A LICENSE?

AND CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
IN "ANNIE HALL"

IS MY VEHICULAR ROLE MODEL?

CHARLIE!

( groans )

IT'S SO WEIRD.

THAT'S THE CAPTAIN
OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM.

SITTING NEXT TO THE GUY WHO
DRESSES LIKE CHEWBACCA
EVERY WEEKEND.

AND HE'S WEARING
HIS LETTERMAN JACKET.

- WELL, IT WAS
CHILLY THAT DAY.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

DIDN'T THEIR RELATIONSHIP
USED TO REVOLVE AROUND

ONE OF THEM STUFFING
THE OTHER INTO A LOCKER?

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE
THE HIGH SCHOOL U.N.,

BRINGING TOGETHER
ALL SORTS OF PEOPLE

WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN
TOGETHER BEFORE.

AND REALLY SHOULDN'T
BE TOGETHER NOW.

- FRANKIE AND COZETTE?
- WHO ELSE?

THAT KID GRADUATED
TWO YEARS AGO.

I'M SORRY, THERE ARE
CLIQUES AND GROUPS
FOR A REASON.

FIRST OF ALL, IF EVERYONE
GOT ALONG WITH EVERYONE,

THERE WOULD NEVER BE
A DECENT BOOK WRITTEN,

- A DECENT MOVIE MADE.
- JOHN HUGHES?

WOULD HAVE WORKED
AT BED BATH & BEYOND.

NO "ON THE ROAD,"
NO "CATCHER IN THE RYE."

SEPARATION BREEDS DISCONTENT,
WHICH FUELS SOCIETY.

THEY ARE DEFUELING SOCIETY.

MESSING WITH THE SOCIAL
ECOSYSTEM OF THE SCHOOL.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE
SHE'S BRINGING BACK YELLOW,
AND I LOOK TERRIBLE IN YELLOW.

HE WAS A FRENCH ARTIST.
BORN AROUND 1869.

- REALLY?
- OH, MATISSE, AMAZING.

"THE DANCE,"
I SAW IT AT MOMA.

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN NAMED
AFTER HIM.

HMM, I NEVER KNEW.

I JUST THOUGHT MY PARENTS
MISSPELLED "MELISSA."

THEY'RE NOT INTO DETAILS.

( quietly )
SHE'S GOT MATISSE.

IT'S AN AMAZING NAME.

AMAZING ARTIST.

- HIS GRANDSON
WAS MY GODFATHER.
- REALLY?

I HAVE A TWO-VOLUME BIOGRAPHY
I CAN LOAN YOU.

YOU GOTTA GIVE IT BACK, THOUGH.
IT'S GOT JULIAN SCHNABEL'S
NOTES IN THE MARGIN.

WOW.
WHO'S JULIAN SCHNABELS?

( chuckles )

OH, MATISSE.

I SAY, AFTER CLASS,
WE CHECK THE TOWN
FOR PODS.

THAT'S OUR BUS DRIVER.

Fanny:
TRULY? TRULY?
OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

- ( classical music playing )
- TRULY?

YES.

GET OVER HERE.

UHH, OKAY.

UH, HOLD ON.

WHEN I SAID YOU COULD USE
A CORNER OF THE STUDIO

TEMPORARILY FOR YOUR STORE,
I MEANT A CORNER,

NOT THE WHOLE PLACE.
I NEED MY DANCE FLOOR BACK.

I KNOW, I'M TRYING TO FIGURE
OUT WHERE EVERYTHING GOES.

THERE'S JUST SO MUCH OF IT.

I DON'T CARE.
I HAVE A CLASS TO TEACH.

THESE CHILDREN HAVE COME HERE
TO LEARN TO DANCE.

STOP SHOPPING!
THIS ISN'T A MALL!

- YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES.
- ( inhales sharply )

I DON'T DO WELL
UNDER PRESSURE.

WHEN I WAS IN THE EIGHTH GRADE,
I HAD TO DEBATE GUN CONTROL

AND I MEMORIZED
ALL THE STATISTICS
AND THE TALKING POINTS,

AND I EVEN HAD VISUAL AIDS,
BUT WHEN IT GOT TO MY TURN,

I KEPT SAYING "GUM CONTROL."

THAT IS UNFORTUNATE.

I WON, THOUGH.
THE OTHER DEBATER

GOT SO CONFUSED,
HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

GET EVERYTHING OFF
MY FLOOR PLEASE.

( door closes )

OH, FANNY, LEAVE IT.
WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK, RIGHT?

SHE GOT THE STUDIO.

I FOUND IT.
THE PERFECT PLACE
FOR THE AMPHITHEATER.

OKAY, SO THIS MORNING,
A SQUIRREL STOLE
MY TOOTHBRUSH.

ACTUALLY, I CHUCKED IT
AT HIM TO GET HIM OFF
MY WINDOWSILL

'CAUSE HE WAS STARING
AT ME, AND THEN
HE TOOK IT.

SO I CHASED AFTER HIM
AND I CORNERED HIM
AGAINST THIS TREE.

AND IT WAS BY THE LAKE
THAT'S ONLY SOMETIMES
A LAKE,

BUT THEN IT DRIES UP.
BUT RIGHT NOW IT'S
A LAKE AGAIN.

- YOU KNOW?
- YOU CAN'T JUST BUY
ANOTHER TOOTHBRUSH?

WHAT?

SQUIRRELS HAVE RABIES.
A TOOTHBRUSH COSTS $3.

- IT WAS PINK.
- OH, WELL, IF IT WAS PINK--

ANYHOW, IT'S THE PERFECT SPOT.
YOU HAVE TO SEE IT.

THE ONLY THING
I HAVE TO SEE
IS MY DANCE FLOOR.

HELP ME.

YOU HEARD HER.

- SO...
- SO.

- WE'VE GOT NEWS.
- AND ARMS AND LEGS. PUSH.

- GUESS WHO'S BACK?
- WHO?

- GUESS.
- GIVE ME A HINT.

HE'S TALL AND CUTE
AND SURFS,

AND YOU MADE
A COMPLETE IDIOT
OUT OF YOURSELF

WITH HIM IN FRONT
OF THE ENTIRE TOWN.

- GIVE ME ANOTHER HINT.
- GODOT.

- JUST FLEW IN FROM AUSTRALIA
- BOO TOLD US.

- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH.

WAIT, YOU MEAN
THE SOMETIMES-LAKE
ON THE FAR SIDE

OF THE HERB GARDEN
WITH THE TREE THAT
LOOKS LIKE--

BILBO'S HOUSE
IN THE SHIRE? YES.

- THAT IS PERFECT!
- ( glass shatters )

TRULY?
OH MY GOD.
WHAT A MESS.

WELL, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
EVERYTHING'S ALL OVER
THE PLACE.

- SO?
- SO?

- SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
- ABOUT WHAT?

- ABOUT GODOT.
- WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

PUT ON A SLUTTY DRESS
AND GET DOWN THERE.

- I'LL TAKE THAT
INTO CONSIDERATION.
- THAT'S IT?

- DON'T YOU CARE?
- THAT GODOT'S BACK? NO.

ALTHOUGH, I DO THINK IT'S NICE
THAT HE DIDN'T EAT THE WRONG
BERRY AND STARVE TO DEATH

IN A VAN IN THE WOODS.
BUT AT THE MOMENT
I'M SUPER BUSY.

HOW'D HE LOOK?

GET YOUR BACKS INTO IT.
TRULY?

UH.

YEAH, I'M STUCK.

WELL, GET UNSTUCK.

I GOT IT, FANNY.

( whistles )

AND THEY KNOW
SIGN LANGUAGE.

OF COURSE THEY DO.

THEY'RE LIKE TWO
REALLY HOT UNICORNS.

YOU ARE A TALENTED TWOSOME,
YOU AND YOUR BROTHER.

YOUR FAMILY IS VERY LUCKY.

SHE GOT MADAME FANNY.

YES, I UNDERSTAND
YOU WANT THE MOBILE HOME,

BUT YOU CAN'T AFFORD
THE MOBILE HOME

UNLESS YOU INTEND FOR IT
TO BE YOUR ACTUAL HOME.

UNDERSTAND?

OKAY, FROM THE TOP.

YOUR ACCOUNT BALANCE
IS ZERO. NOW THE--

GET OUT THE GOLD STARS.

WE HAVE COME UP
WITH A PLAN.

A GREAT PLAN.

EXCUSE ME,
BUT I'M WITH CLIENTS.

OH, SORRY.
WE'RE JUST EXCITED

AND WANTED TO RUN
OUR GREAT IDEA PAST YOU,

OUR MONEY GURU!
HE'S VERY GOOD.

CAN YOU TWO JUST WAIT?

WE'RE GOING TO BUILD
AN AMPHITHEATER!

I'M SORRY.

DID YOU ASK ME TO
TELL YOU WHAT IT WAS?

- NO.
- IT'S AN AMPHITHEATER!

WOULD YOU MIND WAITING OUTSIDE
FOR JUST A MOMENT?

- IT WON'T TAKE LONG.
- WE TALK FAST.

WE'RE NOT THINKING
ANYTHING TOO FANCY--

A STAGE, SOME BENCHES,
LIGHTING.

WE'LL CHARGE FOR PARKING.

PARKING ALWAYS SEEMED
LIKE SUCH A RACKET TO ME,

- BUT NOW--
- WE'D LIKE TO HAVE IT
UP AND RUNNING

FOR OUR "SLEEPING BEAUTY,"
SO THAT'S...

- A MONTH, REALLY.
- THREE WEEKS WOULD BE BETTER.

LET'S MAKE IT
THREE WEEKS THEN.

AN AMPHITHEATER?

WITH A LITTLE MORE
ENTHUSIASM, ERIC!

HOW ARE YOU PAYING FOR IT?

WE PLAN TO PAY
WITH MONEY.

UNLESS YOU KNOW
ANOTHER WAY.

WE ARE OPEN
TO ANYTHING.

AND HOW ARE YOU GOING
TO GET THIS MONEY?

WE'LL JUST GET ONE
OF THOSE LOAN-Y THINGIES.

UH-HUH. WELL, THOSE
"LOAN-Y THINGIES"
ARE HARD TO GET.

HEY, THEY JUST OPENED
A SECOND "HEADBAND HUT"
DOWNTOWN,

SO CLEARLY BANKS ARE
GIVING MONEY AWAY.

YOU NEED COLLATERAL
TO GET A LOAN-Y THINGIE.

YOU NEED GOOD CREDIT
TO GET A LOAN-Y THINGIE.

YOU NEED A BUSINESS PLAN
TO GET A LOAN-Y THINGIE.

NOW YOU'VE GOT ME
SAYING "LOAN-Y THINGIE."

THEY ARE LOANS,
AND LOANS ARE FOR PEOPLE

WHO HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT
BATHROOM FACILITIES,

GETTING PERMITS,
ZONING LAWS.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
WE HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT
ALL THOSE THINGS?

- MICHELLE...
- WELL, HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT

UNTIL YOU JUST
GAVE HIM CONFIRMATION.

LOOK! JUDY, MICKEY,
YOU CAN'T JUST GET AN IDEA

AND PUT ON A SHOW
IN THE BARN.

AND I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN
TELLING YOU THIS OVER AND OVER,

AND IT'S JUST NOT
GETTING THROUGH.

NOW I'M GOING TO GO OUT
AND DEAL WITH MY OTHER CLIENTS.

AND YOU TWO
ARE GOING TO LEAVE.

DO NOT STEAL
MY PENS THIS TIME.

OKAY, I WANNA
FIRE HIM AGAIN.

I DON'T THINK WE FIRED HIM
THE FIRST TIME.

HE SHOULD BE HELPING US.

SO WHAT IF WE HAVEN'T
THOUGHT EVERY SINGLE
LAST DETAIL OUT?

SEE, THIS IS WHY
AMERICAN INGENUITY IS DYING.

NO ONE IS ENCOURAGING US
TO DREAM ANYMORE.

I DIDN'T CARE MUCH FOR
THE "JUDY AND MICKEY"
COMMENT EITHER.

WE SHOULD BE ABLE
TO FIGURE THIS OUT, RIGHT?

I MEAN, WE KNOW
THIS BUSINESS.

- IT'S OUR BUSINESS.
- TRUE.

WE JUST NEED HELP
ON THE NUMBERS END.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE LUCKY LUCIANO
AND I'M BUGSY SIEGEL,

AND WE JUST NEED
A MEYER LANSKY.

WHO'S OUR MEYER LANSKY?

HE'S OUR MEYER LANSKY.

NO, WE NEED A BEN KINGSLEY
MEYER LANSKY,

NOT A PATRICK DEMPSEY
MEYER LANSKY.

A REAL MEYER LANSKY.

PLEASE STOP SAYING
"MEYER LANSKY."

YOU KNOW WHAT?
SCREW IT.

I'LL BE OUR MEYER LANSKY.

YOU WANNA LEARN BALLET,
YOU TAKE A BALLET CLASS.

YOU WANNA LEARN BUSINESS,
YOU TAKE A BUSINESS CLASS.

- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
- I'M GONNA TAKE
A BUSINESS CLASS.

LET'S GO MAKE UP WITH ERIC.

NO, I'M SERIOUS.
STRINGER BELL DID IT, RIGHT?

EVERY TIME WE HAVE
A CONVERSATION, I FEEL LIKE

I NEED TO ADD
MORE MOVIE CHANNELS.

NO, I CAN DO THIS.
I'LL JUST HIT A LEARNING ANNEX

- OR SOME BABY COLLEGE.
- JUNIOR COLLEGE.

I'LL LEARN HOW TO RUN
THE BUSINESS END,

THEN WE'LL NEVER HAVE
TO COME BACK HERE AND
FIRE THIS GUY AGAIN.

YOU'RE SURE?

I'M SURE.

ALL RIGHT!

LET'S DO IT!

- HEY, MISSING LINK--
- SHH.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE
OF A GAME.

- LOOK, I JUST WANNA
ASK YOU ONE--
- GOD!

- YOU DISTRACTED ME!
- IT'S PAPER FOOTBALL.

YEAH, TO YOU.

HE GETS
A FIELD GOAL NOW.

( scoffs )
SHANKED IT.

COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY.

I'M TERRIFIED
OF YOUR MORON WRATH.

SO WHAT'S UP WITH CHARLIE?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- HE SAYS HE'S SICK.

- HE'S NOT SICK.
- I KNOW HE'S NOT SICK.
SO WHAT'S THE DEAL?

BOOM! TAKE IT
LIKE A MAN, SON!

TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!

HEY, WOO YOUR PRISON WIFE
LATER, OKAY?

CHARLIE-- WHAT'S THE DEAL?

( scoffs )
ASK HIM YOURSELF.

I SAW HIM GET KICKED
TO THE CURB BY STACIA.

YOU AND THE REST
OF THE PLANET.

- SO WHAT'D HE DO?
- WHAT?

WHAT DID HE DO
TO MAKE HER DUMP HIM?

TREAT HER LIKE CRAP?
DIDN'T CALL?

MADE HER PAY FOR GAS?
TOOK HER TO THE MOVIES
AND REENACTED "DINER"?

YES! NOW HOLD THOSE
GOAL POSTS UNIFORM
THIS TIME, DOUCHE.

CRAP! YOU MOVED.

- I DID NOT.
- YOU SUCK.

- YOU GONNA KISS ME?
- HE CHEATED ON HER, RIGHT?

FINALLY GOT THAT
PHONE COVER KIOSK BIMBO
TO GO OUT WITH HIM?

HE DIDN'T CHEAT ON HER.

WELL, WHAT THEN?
WHAT BONEHEADED THING DID HE DO?

NOTHIN'.
HE WAS TOTALLY SMITTEN,

TALKING ABOUT
GETTING HER NAME

TATTOOED ON HIS ARM
AND CRAP LIKE THAT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW
THE WORD "SMITTEN"?

HE PICKED HER UP
AFTER WORK EVERY DAY,

CALLED HER ALL THE TIME,

TOOK EXTRA SHIFTS
SO HE COULD BUY HER

THIS LOCKET NECKLACE
FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

CHARLIE? INTO SOMEONE
OTHER THAN HIMSELF?

YEAH, AND THEN SHE JUST
BITCHED OUT AND DUMPED HIM,

PUBLICLY.

VERY UNFEELING CHICK.

HE'S TAKING IT BAD,

WHICH BLOWS 'CAUSE
THIS GUY'S THUMBS
ARE WAY CROOKED.

OKAY.

THANKS.

YOU'RE NOT WELCOME.

OOH, YOU GOT
SOME GOOD STUFF.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

LANSKY'S IN THE HOUSE!

- REALLY?
- YEP, JUST SIGNED UP

FOR A FULL-ON JUNIOR COLLEGE
COURSE IN ACCOUNTING
FOR SMALL BUSINESS.

GOT MY BOOKS, MY SWEATSHIRT
AND MY NUMBER-TWO PENCIL.

- WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.
- YEP, NOW ALL I GOTTA DO

IS GET 'EM A COPY
OF MY HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA,

BUY SOME YAFFA BLOCKS
AND START EXPERIMENTING
SEXUALLY.

- TERRIFIC.
- YOU KNOW, I GOTTA SAY

NOW THAT I'M ALMOST
A BUSINESS MAJOR,

I'M SEEING THINGS
WITH NEW EYES.

I SEE DOLLAR SIGNS EVERYWHERE.

WALKED BY THE HARDWARE STORE
THIS MORNING AND JUST
STARTED MONETIZING.

- RIGHT THERE ON THE STREET.
- MONETIZING?

IT'S A BUSINESS WORD.
FOR BUSINESS.

WOW, QUITE A CROWD.

IT'S FASCINATING.

THERE'S BEEN A LINE
OF WOMEN HERE SINCE
THE MINUTE SHE OPENED.

I HAD A CLASS AT 2:00.

AT 2:05,
THAT WOMAN AND THAT WOMAN

GOT INTO A KNOCK-DOWN-DRAG-OUT
FIGHT OVER A BLOUSE

THAT THAT WOMAN WOUND UP WITH
AFTER THEY DROPPED IT
TO EXCHANGE BLOWS.

THEN THEY ALL
BOUGHT SOME PANTS.

WELL, TRULY SELLS
A QUALITY PRODUCT
AT A REASONABLE PRICE.

GOD, I'M A NATURAL.

( whispering )
HEY.

SHOULDN'T WE BE
CHARGING HER RENT?

- ( whispering ) WHAT?
- WE'RE HER LANDLORDS NOW, WE
SHOULD BE CHARGING HER RENT.

SHE'S JUST USING A CORNER
OF THE DANCE STUDIO WHEN
WE DON'T HAVE CLASSES.

WE HAVE TO THINK
LIKE LANDLORDS.

SHE'S USING OUR SPACE,
OUR ELECTRICITY, OUR BATHROOMS.

- OH, I'M NOT LETTING THEM
USE THE BATHROOMS.
- WHAT?

WHERE ARE THEY
GOING TO THE BATHROOM?

WHY WOULD THEY HAVE
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM?

FANNY, EVERYONE HAS
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

IT'S A CLOTHING STORE.
HOW LONG DO YOU SPEND
IN A CLOTHING STORE?

I SPEND TWO, THREE HOURS
IN A CLOTHING STORE.

PEOPLE CAN'T GO
TWO, THREE HOURS
WITHOUT USING

- THE BATHROOM?
- WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY GOING
IF THEY'RE NOT GOING HERE?

- DID YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
- YOU WOULDN'T GO INTO A
BOUTIQUE TO USE THE BATHROOM.

I USE THE BATHROOM
AT BLOOMINGDALE'S.

THAT'S ENTIRELY DIFFERENT.
IT'S A HUGE STORE.

THIS IS A TINY BOUTIQUE.
YOU USE THE BATHROOM
IN A TINY BOUTIQUE,

EVERYBODY KNOWS.
THEY'RE LISTENING.

WHAT IF YOU HAD
BAD TACOS FOR LUNCH?

THEN YOU DON'T
GO SHOPPING.

( cellphone rings )

( normal voice ) HELLO?
YES, THIS IS MICHELLE.

WHAT?

NO. NO NO NO NO NO,
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

CAN YOU CHECK AGAIN?

YES, OF COURSE I'M SURE.

BUT I'M-- I'M SORRY,
YOU MUST BE MAKING A MISTAKE.

I-- I WAS AT THE CEREMONY.
I WALKED DOWN THE AISLE.
I DID THE TASSEL THING.

NO, I REMEMBER DISTINCTLY.

JUDY KEELER AND I DECIDED
TO WEAR BIKINIS
UNDER OUR ROBES.

AND THE ROBES ONLY HAD
ONE BUTTON AT THE VERY TOP,

AND IT WAS A REALLY WINDY DAY
AND THE WIND BLEW THE ROBES UP.

LOOK, SOMEBODY THERE HAS
GOTTA REMEMBER THE BIKINIS.

CAN YOU PLEASE CHECK AGAIN?

OKAY. THANKS.

I THINK I FORGOT
TO FINISH HIGH SCHOOL.

WHAT?
HOW'S THAT POSSIBLE?

I DON'T KNOW.
THEY'RE SAYING
I WAS ONE COURSE SHORT,

AND I WAS SUPPOSED
TO GO TO SUMMER SCHOOL,

BUT I DON'T THINK
I EVER DID GO TO
SUMMER SCHOOL.

I THINK I WENT
TO DOLLYWOOD.

OH MY GOD, THAT'S RIGHT.
I WENT TO DOLLYWOOD.

AND I WAS ONLY SUPPOSED
TO STAY THERE FOR A
COUPLE OF DAYS,

BUT I THINK SOMEHOW
WE WERE THERE A COUPLE WEEKS.

HOW COULD YOU STAY
IN DOLLYWOOD FOR TWO WEEKS?

WELL, THE CORN'S REALLY GOOD
AND THE SINGING KINSMEN ARE
ALL ACTUALLY DOLLY'S KIN.

- MICHELLE!
- AH, THEN I JUST FORGOT.

I FORGOT TO FINISH SCHOOL.
I'M A DROPOUT--

NOT EVEN A DROPOUT.
DROPPING OUT IMPLIES ACTION.

I JUST DIDN'T FINISH.

OH GOD, I'M THE BIGGEST
LOSER IN THE WORLD.

HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?
MY MEYER LANSKY DOESN'T
HAVE A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA.

I'M GOING TO CALL ERIC.
WHERE ARE HIS PENS?

- IN MY PURSE.
- WHERE'S YOUR PURSE?

- I FORGOT.
- ( scoffs )

- MY DAD AND FAYE MENDELSON
SET THE WEDDING LOCATION.
- FUN.

- IT'S THE SAME PLACE
HE MARRIED MY MOM.
- NO WAY.

IT IS ON THE SAME DAY.
IT IS AT THE SAME TIME.
IT IS UNDER THE SAME TREE

THAT HE MARRIED MY MOM UNDER.
SHE HIRED THE SAME BAND,
THE SAME PHOTOGRAPHER.

SHE FORCED THE SAME BAKER
TO COME OUT OF RETIREMENT
TO MAKE THE SAME CAKE.

- SHE'S INSANE.
- YEP.

MY DAD TRADED IN
ONE CRAZY REDHEAD
FOR ANOTHER.

FAYE MENDELSON
IS MY MOTHER 2.0.

- HOW'S YOUR MOM TAKING IT?
- SHE'S BASICALLY HOMICIDAL.

THE ONLY SHOWS SHE'LL
WATCH ON TV ARE SHOWS
WITH "CRIME" IN THE TITLE--

"CRIMINAL MINDS,"
"CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION,"
"LADIES WHO CRIME"--

AND SHE'S TAKING
COPIOUS NOTES.

I FIGURE, ON THE PLUS SIDE,
MY MEMOIRS WILL BE EXCELLENT.

ON THE DOWNSIDE,
I'LL PROBABLY END UP
MEDICATED IN A BATHROBE.

AND ONCE A MONTH
WHEN YOU--

- ( Ginny gasps )
- All: OH!

WHAT DID YOU DO?!

- I DON'T KNOW.
- WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!

- I DON'T KNOW.
- SHOULD BE GO BACK?

NO.

HEY, WHAT'S WITH
THE FANCY DOODADS?

IT IS TRIVIA NIGHT
AND I HAVE A SYSTEM
THAT WORKS.

AND THIS IS MY SYSTEM
THAT WORKS.

- I LIKE YOUR LITTLE--
- DON'T TOUCH THE TROLL.

HE'S MY LUCKY TROLL
AND YOU ARE NOT--

- LUCKY?
- OR... IN HIS TRUST CIRCLE.

- ( applause )
- OKAY, LISTEN UP, LOSERS.

WE'RE GONNA GET
TRIVIA NIGHT STARTED HERE.

WE'VE GOT 90 BUCKS
IN THE POT TONIGHT,

SO LET'S SEE IF ANYONE
CAN BEAT MY 12-WEEK
WINNING STREAK.

WELL, LOOK WHAT
THE CAT DRAGGED IN.

- SURPRISE, SURPRISE.
- WHAT? I LIKE TRIVIA.

- RIGHT.
- WE KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.

- OH, REALLY?
AND WHY'S THAT?
- GODOT.

- HE'S BEHIND THE BAR.
- YES, I SEE HIM.

AND HE'S HERE MOST NIGHTS
WHEN HE'S IN TOWN,

SO NO SPECIAL JOURNALISTIC
AWARDS FOR YOU GUYS.

IS THAT THE DRESS
YOU'RE WEARING?

YES, ODDLY ENOUGH,
THE DRESS I'M WEARING

IS THE DRESS I'M WEARING.

- OH.
- WHAT?

- NOTHING, IT'S--
- A DRESS THAT I'VE ACTUALLY
GOTTEN MONDO COMPLIMENTS ON

FROM MANY PEOPLE,
GUY PEOPLE.

AND USUALLY THE BEST KIND
OF COMPLIMENT--

THE MUCH-COVETED
"SECOND LOOK AS I WALK AWAY."

I DON'T THINK THAT SECOND LOOK
MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS.

Sam:
BE SURE TO DRINK A LOT
BECAUSE THE DRUNKER

YOU ARE,
THE SMARTER I LOOK.

OH, UH,
LOOKS LIKE MILLY STONE,

THE OWNER
OF THE TRIVIA EQUIPMENT,
WANTS TO SAY A FEW WORDS.

- MILLY?
- ( applause )

HELLO? IS THIS--
IS THIS THING ON?

- ( laughs )
- WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

WELL, YOU DID
THAT COMEDIAN THING.

"IS THIS THING ON?
HELLO, I'M RICHARD PRYOR.

TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE."

I ACTUALLY JUST
WANTED TO KNOW IF
THE THING WAS ON.

OH. WELL, THAT'S FUN TOO.

EVERYBODY, HELLO.
WELCOME.

WE'RE HERE TO HAVE FUN.
BLAH BLAH BLAH.

BUT A QUICK WORD
OF WARNING.

THE TRIVIA MACHINES
ARE NOT TONKA TOYS,
OKAY?

THEY'RE DELICATE PIECES
OF TECHNOLOGY THAT COST
ME A LOT OF MONEY.

DON'T ABUSE THEM.
AND WATCH THE GREASY FINGERS.

IN FACT, ALL SALES OF
BUFFALO WINGS ARE SUSPENDED

UNTIL THE GAME IS OVER.

THAT'S ACTUALLY NOT TRUE.

I'M GONNA GO TELL
THE KITCHEN STAFF.

SHE DOES NOT
OWN THE PLACE.

THEN I'M JUST GONNA BUY
ALL THE BUFFALO WINGS
AND THROW THEM OUT.

ALL RIGHT. WELL, GANG,
ORDER UP THE BUFFALO WINGS
QUICK, 'CAUSE SHE MEANS IT.

NOW PUT YOUR PHONES AWAY
AND LET'S BEGIN.

- ( crowd chattering )
- HEY, MICHELLE.

- YOU WANNA BE MY PARTNER?
- FOR TRIVIA?

NO, IN LIFE.
I'M OFF GUYS NOW.

YES, FOR TRIVIA.

I'M DESPERATE
FOR A PERFECT SCORE.

MY ONLY WEAKNESS
IS THE ARTSY AND THE FARTSY.

- YEAH, OKAY,
LET'S DO IT.
- OKAY.

WELL, IT'S ALL MULTIPLE CHOICE,
SO IF YOU KNOW IT, HIT IT.

I'M PUNCHING IN
OUR TEAM NAME NOW.

- IT'S "SAMCHELLE."
- THAT'S VERY CLEVER.

NOT REALLY.

( bells chime )

OKAY, GEOGRAPHY IS ME.

"WHAT IS THE ONLY EUROPEAN
COUNTRY TO STILL HAVE TERRITORY
IN SOUTH AMERICA?"

- ( buzzer sounds )
- GOT IT.

- ( applause )
- MAX POINTS!

GOOD GOING, SAM.

AH, EVERYONE GOT IT.
THEY ALWAYS START OUT EASY.

THAT WAS EASY?
I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE
ONE COUNTRY ON THAT LIST.

YOU DIDN'T RECOGNIZE FRANCE?

NO, I RECOGNIZED FRANCE.
IT JUST LOOKED WEIRD.

- ( bells chime )
- OOH, THAT'S A WEAK SPOT
FOR ME.

NOT FOR ME.
EASY-PEASY.

"WHAT CHARACTER DID
JACKIE GLEASON PLAY
IN 'SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT'?"

- IT'S ALL YOURS, PARTNER.
- "HARLIN JENKINS,"
"WILLIE BUFORD."

THEY'RE ALL
SOUNDING THE SAME.

KINDA THE POINT
OF THE CHALLENGE THERE.

I CAN PICTURE OTHER CHARACTERS
SAYING HIS NAME.

( southern accent )
WELL, HEY THERE,

WHATEVER-YOUR-NAME-IS,
WHERE'S THAT VARMINT
GOING OFF TO?

- THAT'S ACTUAL DIALOGUE
FROM THE MOVIE?
- IT'S STUFF LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW THAT THE LONGER YOU
TAKE, THE FEWER POINTS WE GET.

( southern accent )
HEY, SOMEONE GET...
JACKIE GLEASON GUY

ON THE HORN THERE.

OH, GOOD GRIEF.

- ( buzzer sounds )
- Sam: PHEW, AT THE BUZZER.

- I WAS GONNA GET IT.
- TODAY?

'CAUSE IT KINDA NEEDED
TO HAPPEN TODAY.

SO, UH,
YOU PLAYING ALONE?

YUP.

YOU KNOW YOU CAN
PLAY WITH A PARTNER.

I DON'T NEED A PARTNER.
I HAVE MY TROLL DOLL.

I KNOW THE BUGS.

- WHAT BUGS?
- IN THE SOFTWARE.

WE COULD WIN THIS.

I'M FINE, THANK YOU.

- ( buzzer sounds )
- ( applause and cheers )

Sam:
IF YOU DON'T KNOW
THE ANSWER,

- DON'T PRESS THE BUTTON.
- I THOUGHT I KNEW IT.

"THOUGHT" DOES NOT
GET YOU 90 BUCKS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
I USED TO BE REALLY
GOOD AT TRIVIA.

MY HEAD WAS FULL
OF USELESS KNOWLEDGE.

I PRIDED MYSELF
ON KNOWING THINGS
THAT WOULD NEVER COME

INTO ACTUAL PLAY IN DAY-TO-DAY
LIFE, BUT WOULD DAZZLE A CROWD
AT A SWELL PARTY.

- THEY'RE PUTTING UP
ANOTHER QUESTION.
- ( bells chime )

BUT NOW WHEN I THINK,
NOTHING HAPPENS.

THERE'S JUST A FAINT

RATTLING SOUND
ECHOING UP THERE.

- YOU'RE BLOCKING THE BUTTON!
- I'M GETTING DUMBER.

I'M ACTUALLY
LOSING INTELLIGENCE.

EVER SINCE I FOUND OUT
I DIDN'T GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL,

KNOWLEDGE IS SEEPING
OUT OF MY BRAIN.

YOU DIDN'T
GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL?

NO, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

MORE AND MORE, YES.

- ( buzzer sounds )
- CRAP! JILL KELLEY.

- I KNEW THAT ONE!
- ( cheers )

- ( bells chime )
- WAIT, BROADWAY!

- THIS HAS ME
WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.
- ARE YOU SURE?

I'M SURE.
I'M COMPLETELY SURE.

- ( bells chime )
- OKAY, HAVE AT IT.

"THIS 1961 BROADWAY FLOP WAS
BASED ON THE WELL-KNOWN NOVEL

AND STARRED MARY TYLER MOORE."

GREAT, 1961.
THAT WOULD BE "LEGS DIAMOND"

OR "THE RINK."
WAS IT "THE RINK"?

THOSE AREN'T ON THE SCREEN.

- I CAN SEE THE POSTER.
- NO, DON'T LOOK AT THE POSTER;

- LOOK AT THE SCREEN.
- IT'S "NO STRINGS."

"NO STRINGS"
OR "TAKARAZUKA."

NONE OF THOSE
ARE ON THE SCREEN!

BUT NONE OF THOSE
ARE RIGHT.

NO, ONE OF THEM IS RIGHT.

BUT THE MACHINE
COULD BE WRONG.

YOU'RE A HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT,

YOU'RE NOT SMARTER
THAN THE MACHINE.

OKAY, SO IT'S EITHER
"KWAMINA," "LET IT RIDE,"

"BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S,"
OR "SHOW GIRL."

GREAT, YOU NARROWED IT DOWN
FROM FOUR TO FOUR.

- ( buzzer sounds )
- ( cheers and applause )

- AND WE FORFEITED.
- WE FORFEITED?

YES, IT'S A WORD THAT MEANS
WE SIMPLY GAVE UP WITHOUT
EVEN TRYING.

BUT THAT'S BETTER THAN
GETTING IT WRONG, ISN'T IT?

TELL ME I LOOK PRETTY.

- YOU LOOK VERY PRETTY.
- YOU LOOK PRETTY TOO.

- MARTINI?
- PLEASE.

- SO YOU'RE NOT DOING
THE TRIVIA THING.
- NO.

BRAINS ARE OVERRATED
ANYWAY, RIGHT?

THEY DO AS MUCH BAD STUFF
AS GOOD STUFF.

I DID NOT
GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL.

YEAH, HIGH SCHOOL'S
A BAD TRIP.

AND FOR A WHILE, I CARED.
BUT I'M CARING LESS NOW.

WHO NEEDS IT?

I GOT A NICE DRINK
AND A GOOD VIEW.

SIMPLE PLEASURES.

TO YOU AND ME.

HERE'S TO BEING DUMB.

YOU'RE NOT DRINKING.
WHY AREN'T YOU DRINKING?

GOTTA WORK.

YEAH, THAT'S A NICE
CLEAN GLASS.

WHAT, YOU DIDN'T LIKE
THE TOAST?

I HAVE A MASTERS
IN OCEANOGRAPHY.

( chuckling )
WOW, REALLY?

YES, REALLY.

AND I'M THINKING ABOUT
GOING FOR A Ph.D.

OH, WOW, THAT'S GREAT.

UM, SO THEY LET
HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS GET PhDs?

I DIDN'T SAY I WAS
A HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT.

OKAY. SORRY.

SO THE SURFING THING WORKED OUT
REALLY WELL FOR YOU THEN?

IT REALLY DID.

GREAT.

I'M GUESSING THAT YOU AND ME
TONIGHT, WE'RE NOT--

NO. NOT TONIGHT.

( quietly )
YEAH.

- THAT LOOKED BRUTAL.
- WAS IT THE DRESS?

NO, IT WAS NOT THE DRESS.
IT WAS THE GIRL IN THE DRESS.

SHE'S A MORON, OFFICIALLY.

WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HIM?
MAYBE YOU CAN UN-SAY IT.

- IN A BETTER OUTFIT.
- DID HE SAY SOMETHING BAD
TO YOU?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, LADIES.
IT'S JUST NOT MY NIGHT.

BATHROOM, DRINK, HOME.

YOU REALLY DO
HAVE TO GET MARRIED

BY A CERTAIN AGE,
OR IT IS SO SO SAD.

( all gasp )

( all murmuring )

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.

YOU KICKED HIS ASS,
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

I JUST SAW RED,
THEN HE WAS ON
THE FLOOR.

- I'M THE HULK.
- BUT WITH LONGER LEGS.

- BATHROOM BREAK.
- OOH, ME TOO.

DON'T LEAVE ME HERE ALONE.
I'M UNSTABLE AND I DON'T
KNOW ANYTHING.

THERE'LL STILL BE TIME
TO CLAW OUR WAY UP

FROM LAST PLACE
TO NEXT-TO-LAST PLACE
WHEN WE GET BACK.

HULK WATCH TABLE.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE
A DAY MAKES, HUH?

THIS MORNING I WAS SMART,

AND NOW I'M DUMB.

I KNEW YOU THIS MORNING.

YOU WEREN'T THAT SMART.

YEAH, BUT I HAD HOPE
OF BEING SMART.

THERE WAS A LIGHT
AT THE END OF THE
TUNNEL.

- A SMALL LIGHT.
- YEAH, BUT A LIGHT.

A PENLIGHT WITH A WEAK,
DYING BATTERY.

YOU'RE NOT
A SUPER-HUGGY GUY, YOU KNOW?

LOOK, I DIDN'T ASK YOU
TO SIT DOWN HERE, OKAY?

I'M JUST TRYING TO HAVE
A BEER AND PLAY A GAME
AND RELAX A LITTLE

BEFORE I GO HOME
TO MY MOTHER,

WHO IS STAYING WITH ME
IN MY ONE-ROOM APARTMENT,

AND LISTEN TO HER QUESTION
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY
LIFE CHOICES.

SO IF I'M NOT BEING
SUFFICIENTLY HUGGY,

I'M SURE THERE ARE
MANY MANY PEOPLE HERE
WHO MAY NOT KNOW

THAT FIVE MINUTES
WITH YOU FEELS LIKE
A LIFETIME.

SO, WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF MY DRESS?

MILLY, MICHELLE SIMMS.
REMEMBER?

- CAN I RUN SOMETHING
PAST YOU REALLY QUICK?
- SURE. HOLD ON A SECOND.

EXCUSE ME? THROW AWAY EVERY
FRENCH FRY IN THE PLACE,
AND PUT IT ON MY TAB.

SIT OVER HERE.

SO, WHAT'S UP?

I WAS WONDERING IF
YOU'RE IN THE MARKET FOR
ANY NEW BUSINESS VENTURES.

MAYBE, BUT NOTHING ILLEGAL--
NO DRUGS, NO GUNS, NO GIRLS.

THIS WOULDN'T INVOLVE
DRUGS OR GUNS OR GIRLS.

WELL, NOT DIRTY GIRLS.
THERE WOULD BE GIRLS, THOUGH.

- I WAS JOKING.
I JOKE SOMETIMES.
- OH, OKAY.

WELL, YOU KNOW ALL THAT LAND
THAT FANNY FLOWERS AND I OWN?

WELL, IT'S JUST KINDA
SITTING THERE IDLE,

AND I WAS WONDERING IF
YOU'D LIKE TO BUY ANY OF IT.

IT'S NOT ZONED FOR COMMERCIAL
DEVELOPMENT, SO WHAT COULD I
POSSIBLY DO WITH IT?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.
BOCCE, CROQUET?

IT'S GREAT LAND.
THE CANDLE GUY LOVES IT.

- WHY ARE YOU LOOKING TO SELL?
- BECAUSE WE NEED CAPITAL.

WE'RE ADDING
A PERFORMANCE AREA.

YOU'RE EXPANDING
YOUR DANCE STUDIO?

NO, WE'RE BUILDING
AN AMPHITHEATER.

AN AMPHITHEATER?
REALLY?

- YEAH.
- AN OUTDOOR AMPHITHEATER?

FOR OUR KIDS' PERFORMANCES,
AND IF IT'S AS NICE

AS I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE,
WE'LL RENT IT OUT TO OTHERS
FOR DANCE EVENTS, THEATER.

- LIKE PLAYS?
- SURE.

NOW THIS I'M INTERESTED IN.

- YOU'RE INTERESTED IN?
- PARTNERING ON
THE AMPHITHEATER.

PARTNERING? NO, WAIT.
THE AMPHITHEATER WASN'T WHAT--

- I'M A PATRON
OF THE ARTS, YOU KNOW?
- I DID NOT KNOW.

I JUST SAW
"JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING
TECHNICOLOR DREAMCOAT"

AT THE VENTURA PERFORMING
ARTS CENTER.

MARIO LOPEZ WAS SO GOOD.

- YES, HE IS GOOD, BUT--
- AND I EVEN DID A LITTLE
ACTING MYSELF IN HIGH SCHOOL.

"UP THE DOWN STAIRCASE,"
I WAS JUST ONE OF THE KIDS,

BUT I CAUGHT A BIT
OF THE BUG.

- DO WE HAVE DRAWINGS YET?
- NOT REALLY.

I'VE GOT A GREAT ARCHITECT.
WE SHOULD GET HIM
STARTED ON THIS.

I LOVE THIS IDEA.

CAN WE GET TOGETHER NEXT WEEK
AND GET THIS ROLLING?

- I GUESS.
- I KNOW THERE ARE TONS
OF DETAILS TO IRON OUT

WITH YOU, ME AND FANNY,
BUT IT WILL GO SMOOTHLY.

THIS IS NOT
ONE OF THOSE AWKWARD

"I BUY LOW-INCOME HOUSING
AND KICK EVERYONE OUT

TO BUILD CONDOS" THINGS
LIKE LAST WEEK.

THIS IS A LABOR OF LOVE.

LET'S TOAST.
I LIKE TO SEAL DEALS

WITH SHOTS OF ANY SORT
OF BLUE ALCOHOL.

- YEAH, ME TOO.
- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

YOU SHOULD CALL FANNY
AND TELL HER ABOUT THIS.

I DEFINITELY SHOULD.

SAW YOUR MOVES.
BARTENDER, THE GIRL?

THINK YOU MIGHT DIG IT.

YOU DECK ANYONE
WHILE WE WERE GONE?

- ALL'S QUIET
ON THE WESTERN FRONT.
- ( buzzer sounds )

OKAY, GAME OVER, EVERYONE.
LET'S SEE WHO WON.

( drumrolls )

FRANKIE AND COZETTE?

WHO THE HELL ARE THEY?

YOU'RE GOING INTO BUSINESS
WITH MY SISTER?

HOW DO YOU
ALREADY KNOW THAT?

I SAW HER ORDERING SHOTS OF
SOME BLUE ALCOHOL AT THE BAR.

THAT'S HER CELEBRATION DRINK.
I ASKED AND SHE TOLD ME.

IT'S ALL HAPPENING SO FAST.
BUT YES, I THINK WE ARE.

- YOU KNOW I HATE HER.
- I DO KNOW THAT.

AND YOU KNOW IF YOU GO
INTO BUSINESS WITH HER,
YOU'LL REGRET IT.

I OPENED UP MY STORE
IN HER BUILDING

AND SHE WOULDN'T EVEN
LET ME NAME MY OWN STORE.

YOU DIDN'T NAME
SPARKLES "SPARKLES"?

NO. SHE DID.
AFTER ONE OF HER PRECIOUS CATS.

AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF,
SHE PUT THE CAT TO SLEEP.

- WAS IT OLD?
- IT WAS FOUR.
SHE WAS TIRED OF IT.

WELL, THERE MAY HAVE BEEN
SOME OTHER--

SHE KILLS THE THINGS
SHE DOESN'T LIKE.

( sighs ) WELL, TRULY,
SHE HAS MONEY.

AND FANNY AND I
NEED MONEY.

YES. SURE.

SHE HAS MONEY AND BUILDINGS
AND LEASES THAT SHE WANTS
PEOPLE TO SIGN,

AND I HAVE NOTHING
AND I WILL LOSE MY STORE

AND YOU AND FANNY
AND EVERYTHING.

AND MILLY WILL HAVE EVERYTHING
AND I WILL HAVE NOTHING.

YOU'RE NOT
LOSING FANNY, TRULY.

AND YOU'RE NOT LOSING ME.

( quietly )
IT FEELS LIKE IT.

BUT MILLY'S NOT MY FRIEND.

- YOU'RE MY FRIEND.
- REALLY?

REALLY.

YOU NEVER INVITED ME
TO VEGAS.

WELL, TRULY, THE NEXT TIME
I HAVE SOME SORT OF
EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN

AND RUN FROM EVERYTHING
THAT IS GOOD AND STABLE
IN MY LIFE,

I PROMISE I'LL INVITE YOU
TO COME AND WATCH.

OKAY.

DID SHE TELL YOU SHE WAS
IN "UP THE DOWN STAIRCASE"?

'CAUSE SHE WAS TERRIBLE
IN "UP THE DOWN STAIRCASE."

HEY, TRULY.
DON'T WORRY.

THERE'S PLENTY
FOR EVERYBODY.

A TOAST...

TO THE MILLICENT STONE
PERFORMING ARTS CENTER.

FORGOT MY CHANGE.
BE RIGHT BACK.

WAS SHE MAYBE KIDDING
ABOUT THE "MILLICENT STONE"--

SHE ALWAYS GETS
EVERYTHING SHE WANTS.

WELL...

SHE DIDN'T GET HUBBELL.

Ginny:
8:00 AND THE EVENING
IS OVER. SO SAD.

ARE WE SERIOUSLY GONNA BE
THE LAST TOWN IN THE WORLD

TO GET A BOWLING ALLEY
OR A CRACK HOUSE?

TRIVIA NIGHT BLOWS.

YEAH, AND WHEN DID THEY
START GIVING OUT SHINY,
BLUE WINNER RIBBONS?

WHEN COZETTE MOVED TO TOWN,
THAT'S WHEN.

LET'S GO UPSTAIRS,
ORDER PIZZA

AND PLAN HOW FAR AWAY
WE'LL ALL GO TO COLLEGE.

WHAT THE--

- SASHA!
- WHAT'S GOING ON?

- WITH?
- THE BOXES,

- THE LAURA PALMER FURNITURE.
- NOTHING.

- YOU WANNA WATCH A MOVIE?
- ARE YOU MOVING?

- NO.
- IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU'RE MOVING.

MY PARENTS ARE JUST
TRYING TO MAKE A POINT.

IS THE POINT
THAT YOU'RE MOVING?

THE PARENTS
ARE SPLITTING UP.

- AGAIN?
- WELL, THIS TIME IT'S OFFICIAL.

MY FATHER'S JOINED THE CAST
OF "BOY MEETS WORLD"

WITH ANOTHER BOY
IN ANOTHER WORLD.

WOW, THE CLOSET DOOR OPENED.

YEAH, HE SAYS HE'S MOVING
TO SAN JOSE;

SHE SAYS SHE'S MOVING
TO ENCINO.

I'M SUPPOSED TO PICK
WHERE I WANNA GO.

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

WHAT THE HELL
IS IN SAN JOSE?

ALL THAT INFORMATION--
THAT'S THE PIECE THAT STUCK?

IT'S THE ONLY TRULY
SURPRISING PART
OF THE STORY.

- YOU WANNA WATCH TV?
- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T
TELL US YOU WERE MOVING.

WERE EVEN GONNA LEAVE
A BREAKUP LETTER?

SHE WAS PROBABLY JUST GOING
TO SNEAK OFF IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT

AND TAKE ALL THE CLOTHES
SHE BORROWED FROM US
WITH HER.

I DO NOT BORROW CLOTHES
FROM YOU.

NOT ANYMORE.
YOU'RE MOVING.

( gasps )
OH MY GOD, BOO.

WHEN SHE HEARS,
SHE'LL FREAK.

- SHE'S BAD WITH CHANGE.
- REMEMBER WHEN YOU GREW BOOBS?

SHE WOULDN'T LOOK AT YOU
FOR A MONTH.

STOP.
DO NOT PANIC BOO.

NOBODY'S MOVING.

MELANIE, GINNY,
I NEED YOU GUYS
TO GO HOME NOW PLEASE.

- UH, SURE.
- YEAH.

RIGHT?

HILARIOUS!

TRUCKS ARE HERE
TOMORROW AT SEVEN.

STREET CLEANING DAY--
NO PARKING. GREAT PLANNING.

SASHA, PLEASE.
I AM EXHAUSTED.

JUST PACK YOUR STUFF.
FIGURE OUT WHERE

YOU WANNA GO.
WRITE IT ON THE BOX.

VERY MATURE.

WHAT ARE GONNA DO?

LIVE ON YOUR OWN?

I WAS ON MY OWN
ALL SUMMER AT JOFFREY.

I GOT BACK THREE WEEKS AGO.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.

I'LL BE FINE.

YOU KNOW THEY HAVE
BALLET SCHOOLS IN L.A.

NOT INTERESTED IN
"DANCING WITH THE STARS,"

THANKS.

FINE. THEN GO
WITH YOUR FATHER.

HE HAS A GUEST HOUSE.
YOU CAN HAVE AN ENTIRE
STRUCTURE TO SULK IN.

I'M TRYING
TO DOWNSIZE. PASS.

( sighs )

FINE. FINE.

YOU DON'T WANNA MOVE?
DON'T MOVE.

YOU'VE GOT TWO WEEKS
TILL ESCROW CLOSES
ON THE HOUSE.

I'LL LEAVE YOU THE FRIDGE.
HATE THAT DAMN GLASS DOOR
ANYWAY.

WAIT, YOU'RE JUST
GONNA LEAVE?

TOMORROW, AS SOON AS ALL
THIS STUFF IS ON THE TRUCK.

LAST CHANCE, SASHA.
YOU COMING WITH?

NO?

OKAY. FINE.

AND I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE BACK,
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.

THAT ONE'S ON YOU, KID.

( thunder rumbles )

YOU'RE ONE DEVOTED
AVON LADY.

- SHE GAVE ME THE KEYS.
- WHAT?

I DIDN'T THINK SHE WAS
GONNA GIVE ME THE KEYS,
BUT SHE DID.

- I DON'T--
- HERE THEY ARE.

MY PARENTS
ARE SPLITTING UP.

MY DAD'S GOT A BOYFRIEND
AND THEY WANNA LIVE IN SAN JOSE.

- BREATHE.
- MY MOM'S MOVING TO ENCINO.

SHE WANTED ME TO CHOOSE
AND I CAN'T CHOOSE.

I CAN'T GO.
I CAN'T LEAVE.

I WON'T LEAVE.

I TOLD HER THAT I WON'T LEAVE
AND SHE GAVE ME THE KEYS.

OH OH OH, BOY.

THERE'S SO MANY OF THEM.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT
MOST OF THEM ARE FOR.

IS THERE A JANITOR'S CLOSET
SOMEWHERE IN MY HOUSE

THAT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT?

UH. WELL, THAT ONE
LOOKS LIKE A BIKE LOCK.

I'M SUPPOSED TO CARRY AROUND
ALL THESE KEYS?

TO SCHOOL?
IN MY DANCE BAG?

WHAT IF I LOSE THEM
OR LEAVE THEM SOMEWHERE?

SHOULD I GET COPIES AND STASH
THEM IN THOSE FAKE ROCKS

PEOPLE STASH KEYS IN?

YEAH, YOU KNOW,
THIS WOULD BE A LOT EASIER

IF I COULD OFFER YOU
A DRINK.

THEY DON'T EVEN
LOOK LIKE REAL ROCKS.

I GUESS YOU'RE HOPING
YOUR BURGLAR FORGOT
HIS GLASSES

THE DAY HE CAME
TO ROB YOU.

YOU KNOW, AT WEDDINGS
THEY SOMETIMES LET KIDS
DRINK CHAMPAGNE, RIGHT?

I WON'T LEAVE.

I'M STAYING HERE.

I LIVE HERE.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

WE'LL FIGURE THIS OUT.

BUT...

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

HEY...

DON'T WORRY.

I GOT YOUR BACK.

( slow acoustic guitar
music playing )

♪ NO LONGER ♪

♪ WILL I BENEATH YOU
SHELTER ♪

♪ ALL THAT YOU HAVE
GIVEN TO ME ♪

♪ IS NEVER ON MY BEHALF ♪

♪ ALL THIS ♪

♪ ALL AND MORE
I CEDE TO YOU ♪

♪ SWEAR AWAY IN FEALTY ♪

♪ AS I SAIL
FOR WARMER CLIMES ♪

♪ I AM A KING ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T DENY ME ♪

♪ MY KINGDOM ♪

( vocalizing )

♪ I AM A KING ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T DENY ME ♪

♪ MY KINGDOM ♪

♪ YOU, SAILOR,
ON THE LONELY SEA ♪

♪ WILL YOU TURN
AND PROMISE ME ♪

♪ YOU'LL ALWAYS BE ALIVE? ♪