Original subtitles

[siren blaring]

MAN: I want to be there

when you drag her out by the back of her neck.

Mr. Hill, this is not how that's gonna happen.

I'll let you know as a courtesy, you shouldn't even be here.

What am I supposed to do then?

Let me do my job.

Look, up till now, you've done everything right.

Don't do something stupid. Stay outside.

You look. This is my house, and I'm going in there with you.

Hmmph.

Let's go.

This is Sheriff Jacob Lynch

to deliver a notice of eviction.

Anybody home?

Take a look at that side of the house.

SHERIFF LYNCH: Mr. Hill?

What is it?

♪♪ [sinister]

♪♪ [ominous]

- Good morning, Boss. - WOMAN: You all packed?

Hah! You kiddin'? I don't leave till tomorrow.

Takes me 20 minutes to get ready for an international flight.

New York's a piece of cake.

If you say so. How is the new house?

The house is pretty much done.

You can deal with the rest when you get back.

Actually, Mary is gonna stay here while I'm gone.

- She's gonna housesit. - Mary?

So when am I gonna meet this little muse of yours, huh?

It's been, what, a few months already?

I'll tell you what. I promise. When I get back from New York,

we'll all go out to dinner together, okay?

All right, look, Debbie, I gotta run.

I got so much to do still.

Okay, okay, listen, I just called to tell you

that when you arrive at Kennedy, don't get in the cab line.

The developer sent you a car.

Oh! Car service for a freelance journalist, huh?

Sounds like they really want to make an impression on us.

Well, if we're going to sell our impartiality,

it better be for a lot more than a free ride.

All right, I've really gotta go, Deb.

Make me proud, Dan.

I always do. Bye.

[door closes]

DAN: Hey, you okay?

Don't kill me.

That, I can promise.

I just spoke to Phil.

He wants me to run the training seminar

at the company's retreat.

Okay.

The woman who was supposed to do it

just went into labor.

That's fantastic. Why would I be angry?

I leave tomorrow.

It's up north, a few hours away.

Oh, so you can't housesit?

I'm sorry. I was so looking forward to it, I swear.

Laying out, relaxing, finishing a few books.

But I just can't turn down this opportunity.

Hey, I get it. This is work, right?

If anybody understands, it's me.

Aww...

So... what will you do?

I will figure something out.

But you're still gonna stay over tonight, right?

Of course. We need to christen the bedroom.

Ooh.

And maybe the living room...

and the kitchen...

and the shower.

I'll see you tonight.

I have a million things to do before I leave.

All of the showers?

Hmm...

Just sayin'. All right.

Bye.

[engine starts]

Excuse me, can you tell me where the fiction section is?

It's right over there.

- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.

Ayn Rand, huh?

Hmm?

Ayn Rand?

Oh.

I just read Atlas Shrugged,

so I figured this would be next.

I know Atlas is supposed to be her masterpiece,

but I actually prefer The Fountainhead.

I think it's much better than Atlas Shrugged.

Really? Better than Atlas Shrugged?

I just feel like with Atlas, sometimes you feel like

you're reading this never-ending speech.

But with Fountainhead, I find it to be less didactic.

And I sound like a pretentious jerk.

No, you sound like a writer.

Well, guilty.

- Oh, really? You're a writer? - I am.

What have you written?

Mostly magazine articles.

I used to work for Outdoor Explorer for years,

but now I'm mainly freelance.

Well, that is very cool.

Yeah, no, it is.

It's definitely a great way to make a living.

You? A student?

Oh, well, you just made my day,

but no, I'm a wannabe writer.

I'm actually writing my first novel now.

Well, good for you. Never give up.

Thanks. I keep telling myself

that all the waitressing jobs, housesitting, dog walking,

it'll pay off one day, so... we'll see.

Did you say housesitting?

What?

Okay, this might sound crazy, but...

I have a proposition for you.

Jeez. This is amazing.

Thanks. It's basically my dream house.

I mean, forget novels.

I need to get a job at Outdoor Explorer.

Well, believe me, this is not typical.

I was fortunate enough to sell one of my story's film rights

to a production company.

What story?

It's a piece I did on the Anduhar.

They're basically this Stone Age tribe

who live on this little island of New Guinea.

- Hmm. - Yeah. It's crazy.

They have zero contact with the outside world,

yet somehow their understanding of our planets and solar system

is far beyond ours.

That's really cool.

Yeah, it should be interesting.

Come on, I'll show you inside.

Okay.

The architecture here is gorgeous.

Thanks.

I mean, you say you just moved in,

but the place looks great.

I've been busy.

Actually Mary, my girlfriend, was supposed housesit for me,

but she called away on a business trip last-minute too.

I mean, this is none of my business or anything,

but why do you even need a housesitter?

This isn't a dangerous neighborhood.

Do you have a lot of valuables or something?

Hardly. No, I heard that criminals

tend to target homes of people who just moved in.

I guess all the coming and going,

the neighbors don't know who belongs or not, so...

better safe than sorry, right?

Guess that makes sense.

Come on, I'll show you upstairs.

So I sleep in the master,

but you can sleep in any of the other spare rooms.

I gotta get started on some work,

so can I call a car for you?

Sure.

Well, you are a lot more handsome than Hemingway.

Thank goodness Golden Chef still delivers over here.

Right.

So you're excited for your new housesitter?

Well, glad I was able to find somebody to do it.

Yeah, I have to say, though,

it doesn't sound like you.

Yeah, you're usually not as... trusting.

Well, she's a housesitter. This is what she does.

Besides, if all my silverware goes missing,

I will know the culprit.

You don't have any silverware.

Oh, yeah, that's right. [laughs]

Well, anyway, I contacted her references,

or at least one of her references.

She has references for housesitting?

Yeah, she gave me the number of a woman that she last sat for.

She said that Kristen was amazing.

Just super responsible and kept the house clean.

She said she was great.

Hmm.

Gosh, I'm so full.

Yeah.

Hope you're not too full.

For what?

You know what.

To christen the house.

- [beeping] - Come on!

Come on, come on, come on.

Yes!

Jeez.

Agh.

Where is it?

Damn it.

You okay?

Ohh! [laughs]

Hi, Kristen.

Uh, how'd you get in here?

Oh, I was knocking on the back door,

but I saw it was unlocked, so I just let myself in.

Are you looking for something?

Yeah, my phone.

I can't find it anywhere, and I gotta go.

Let me help you find it. What's it look like?

Well, it, um, you know...

it looks like a phone.

Well, I'm sure we'll find it. In the meantime,

is there anything that you need to tell me about the house or...

Right, okay, so the keys to the front door

are on the table back there.

All the utilities are up and running,

so just make yourself comfortable,

do whatever you gotta do.

Wi-Fi?

Yes, first priority.

Network name is "Settel," my last name,

and password is "Rutgers."

Rutgers?

Where I went to college.

You know what?

Is this what you were looking for?

Uh...

Yeah. Where'd you find it?

Don't worry about that. Anyways...

I have that contract that I was telling you about

that I think we should both sign.

It just protects us both.

It just says that, pretty much, you're gonna pay me,

and I won't rob you blind.

- [horn honks] - Great.

Kristen, that is my Uber.

I gotta run.

It's just formality. Simple contract.

Let's see.

Just sign here.

[honking continues]

Okay, so you got all my contact information,

so email me, call me, text me, whatever,

if there's any questions at all, okay?

- Go. Enjoy the Big Apple. - Okay.

I will have everything good on the home front.

Right.

- WOMAN: Hello? - [gate closes]

Hi. I hope I'm not intruding.

No, not at all.

I'm Tracy Vale, and I live right across the street.

I'm Kristen Turner.

So I hear I now have a famous writer as a neighbor?

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, I must admit, I've never actually read anything of his,

but I am just so excited to have someone famous

in the neighborhood.

Well, I'm sure he'll be flattered when he returns.

Oh, he's not here?

No. Actually, he's out of town on an assignment.

Oh. Well, I've seen him pull up a few times,

and I just did not want to bother him

until he got settled in.

Well, he'll be back in a few days.

I'm Dan's girlfriend, by the way.

I'm staying here while he's out of town.

Oh, well...

[chuckling]

I am not surprised. I mean, a man like that,

I didn't expect him to be single.

We'll have to have you over for drinks when he gets back.

Oh, trust me, I make a mean Bloody Mary mix.

I'm gonna go inside and get settled,

but we'll see you soon?

Oh, yes, don't let me stop you. I just, um...

And remember, I'm right across the street.

Don't be a stranger.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

- Kristen, it's Dan. - Hi, Dan!

- Is everything okay? - Yeah, no, everything's good.

Honestly, I had a couple minutes between meetings,

so I thought I'd check in, see how you're doing.

Yes. Actually, I'm settling in quite nicely.

Oh, good, glad to hear.

So, um, how's New York?

Uh, crazy, busy, as usual.

Sorry. I don't mean to rub it in.

You're probably there all cooped-up in the house.

Oh, no, don't you worry about that.

I'm actually having an interesting time.

Oh, okay, well, listen, I gotta run,

but like I said, just wanted to check in.

So call me if you need anything at all.

Okay, Dan, see you soon.

Okay, bye.

[phone ringing]

Checking in on me?

- Should I be? - Well, I actually just came

from the councilman's office,

and he showed me the blueprints.

And?

And it's incredible.

I mean, if they can actually pull this off,

it will be something special.

Good, good!

So listen, I just called to remind you

that I'm stopping by your house today.

I'm gonna drop off the Palomar research.

Deb, I can't--

Deb, I can't hear you.

What'd you say?

I said I'm stopping by--

Yeah, I can't-- I can't-- Okay.

♪♪ [ominous]

[tapping on window]

[doorbell rings]

Mrs. Settel?

Please, call me Kristen. Come in.

I was surprised you guys could get here so quickly.

No problem.

So it looks as if we're only outfitting the bedrooms.

That's probably why we fit you in.

Takes less time to install.

Is that uncommon, to only do the bedrooms?

You know, most folks like to monitor all parts,

in and out of their home.

The most popular installation is the doorbell cam.

- Ah. - When a visitor rings,

you can see them right on your phone.

We even offer a service

where you can unlock your door remotely.

Wow. That's really neat.

Maybe we'll look at that for the future.

My husband and I, we work full-time,

and, well, we have a six-month-old,

who stays with the nanny all day,

so it's not that we don't trust her--

Say no more.

You can't be too careful these days.

You know, my wife and I, we have three kids of our own.

I don't know how I would have felt

having a stranger with them all the time.

Like I said, we do trust her,

but I just want to make sure that these cameras

are as inconspicuous as possible.

I don't want her to feel like we're spying on her or anything.

Don't you worry. By the time I'm finished,

even your husband won't be able to find them.

Perfect. Right this way.

Wow, that is small.

Yep. You ever heard of Moore's Law?

- Mm-mm. - Refers to computers.

It says that every two years or so,

the number of transistors

that they can fit on a microchip doubles.

That same concept applies to home security.

Cameras are becoming smaller and cheaper every year.

Hey, do you feel good to finish up by yourself?

I'm gonna set up an account

and learn how to monitor these things.

Good idea. When I'm finished,

I'll come find you and teach you about the system.

But the system's as user-friendly as they come.

You'll be fine.

Finished already?

I told you it wouldn't take very long.

We took care of all the bedrooms, so you're all set.

Perfect. And I'm already in the system too.

See? I told you. Easy as pie.

If you play around a bit, you'll find a bunch more features.

But honestly, most folks never even use 'em.

[chuckles]

Mrs. Settel? Kristen.

Yeah.

This is probably none of my business,

but I didn't see a crib in any of the rooms.

In fact, I didn't see any evidence

of a baby living in this house.

You're right, Lance. That is none of your business.

Um...

Uh, I guess that's it,

except for the damages.

You take plastic, I assume?

Of course.

Is this you?

It says your name is Kristen Turner?

What, you never heard of a married woman

keeping her professional name?

Uh, I just have to run the card.

A matter of protocol, of course.

Of course.

And you're all set, Mrs. Turner.

We appreciate your business.

Just let us know if there's anything else we can do for you.

[sighs]

Hmm.

[humming]

[chuckles]

Hi, I'm Debbie DeCroix, Dan's editor.

We spoke on the phone the other day.

Oh, yes, I'm so sorry. Of course.

I've been a little crazy,

trying to get the house ready for him.

Um, here's the research that Dan was expecting.

Please make sure that he gets it.

Of course.

You're Mary, right?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, you're just...

You're so different than how Dan described you.

Oh, well, I don't usually wear this.

It's my cleaning clothes.

When Dan gets back, we're gonna do dinner, right?

Yes, of course.

That would be lovely.

Nice meeting you.

Nice to meet you too.

Kristen?

Kristen.

Kristen?

Hmm.

Kristen?

Dan! When did you get home?

Just now. Just a few minutes ago.

So how was your trip?

It was great. Everything went great.

Kristen, the house is--

I hope you don't mind. I took a few liberties.

I mean, I didn't think I'd be a good housesitter

unless I helped you out.

No, yeah, no, it looks great.

I mean, the fridge is fully stocked and--

- You don't like it? - No, no, I do.

I mean, it's just that some of the stuff isn't even mine.

I know. I found some deals at a flea market on some pieces,

so I just thought I would add my touch.

Right, okay.

Um, well, just give me a minute, and we'll settle up.

Okay.

[line ringing]

[ringing]

It's Mary. You know what to do.

[beep]

Are you mad at me?

No, no, I'm not...

I'm not mad. I'm just...

I guess confused.

Well, it's just, I thought I'd come home,

and you'd just be lounging on the couch.

I didn't expect anything.

Dan, I told you, I've done this before.

It's not like I'm some squatter.

You paid a fee for a service.

The least I could do was help you out.

Now, if you don't like the way I rearranged things, I can--

No, no, everything looks great.

Well, you must be starving.

Why don't you go unpack,

freshen up, and I'll start dinner.

Uh, Kristen, I just got home.

I'd really just like to relax. You don't need to do dinner.

If you wanna maybe just grab your things and--

Oh, no, no, no. Look, it's no big deal at all.

I've been planning this dinner for days.

I've already bought all the ingredients.

Okay.

Okay, go.

Okay.

See? Aren't these beautiful?

The lady at the flea market

was practically giving them away.

Do you like them?

I do. No, they're really nice.

So... tell me about your trip.

Well, New York was New York.

Did you get what you needed for the article?

I did, yeah.

Look, Dan, nothing says that we can't have

a nice dinner together tonight, right?

You're right.

To be honest, I guess I'm just feeling a little guilty.

Why?

I mean, we're not doing anything.

I wasn't planning on doing anything, were you?

No, no, I wasn't.

Good.

So tell me about New York.

Okay, well, so most people don't know this,

but there are actually hundreds of tunnels

underneath the city.

Abandoned subway stations, unused sewers,

and they're all just kind of sitting there.

So the city has come up with this ambitious plan

to turn it all into prime real estate.

Yeah, it's like this ultra cool, modern, underground city.

It's... It's really exciting.

That's really neat.

It's great.

Do you like your dinner?

I do.

I told you, I always go for at least seconds, if not thirds.

[laughing]

- You sure did. - Well, thank you.

Well, I guess that's it.

Uh, yeah.

I should probably go.

Yeah.

You know what?

It's late, and you've had a couple.

Why don't you just crash in the guest bedroom

and drive home tomorrow morning?

Oh, no, I couldn't.

I've probably already overstayed my welcome.

No, come on.

After everything you've done, it's the least I can do, right?

You sure?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Awesome. That'd be nice.

Okay, handsome, you look none worse for the wear.

I was just checking out the tunnels.

- I wasn't living in them. - Okay, smarty.

Would you like some coffee?

No. I fueled up on the way over.

So did you get what you need?

Oh, yeah, I got it.

- An exclusive? - Well, he didn't promise,

but if we go to press right away,

I don't see how any magazine can scoop us.

The newspapers might even have a hard time.

Newspapers? What are those?

Right.

How long do you think you need?

Well, there's still a couple people I need to speak to

'cause they were unavailable or out of town.

but I mean, unless something happens,

I could have a first draft to you within a week?

- That's what I'm talking about. - Really?

Before I forget, I dropped off the Palomar research.

Palomar, one of the largest developers?

- The ones who-- - Yeah, I know who they are.

I just don't know what you mean by "dropped off."

I dropped them off at your house like we discussed.

You said that Mary was housesitting

and that I could leave the files with her.

Oh!

No, I'm sorry, no. That wasn't Mary.

What do you mean?

That was Kristen, the housesitter.

Mary's been out of town. She gets back today.

No. She said that her name was Mary.

And then when I explained who I was,

she acted like we were like old friends, as if she knew me.

No, I-- I mean--

No, that's impossible.

You know, she did seem a bit off.

Oh. Oh, duh.

Okay.

This woman right here, standing next to me, Mary.

Is that who you saw in my house?

[knocking]

Dan?

Dan.

[doorbell rings]

Um, hello.

Hello.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Who are you?

I'm Mary, Dan's girlfriend.

Oh. Well, Dan's not here right now.

And you are?

- Kristen. - Kristen.

I'm staying here with Dan. I'm watching his house.

The housesitter, right?

But Dan's back in town, so why are you here?

Look, you're gonna have to take this up with Dan.

I don't have to take anything up with Dan.

Ohh...

[line ringing]

DAN: Hey, you back?

Where are you?

I'm, uh...

I'm driving. What's wrong?

What's wrong?

I was just at your house to surprise you.

Ah, babe, I'm sorry.

Do you realize you still have a houseguest?

Okay, Mary, it's not what you think.

I don't know what to think.

I promise I will explain everything when I see you,

but right now I just wanna get home

and wanna get her out of my house.

Do you want me to meet you there?

No, no.

You just go back to your place,

and I'll swing by later.

- Okay. - Okay.

Everything good? Trip was good?

Yeah, it was great.

Hard, but good.

I'm real excited to see you.

Me too.

- But, Dan? - Yeah.

What the heck is going on?

Just trust me, babe.

I will explain everything when I see you, okay?

Okay, but be careful, okay?

That woman at your house?

Something not right with her.

[horse neighing]

- Hey. - Hey!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Watching the horseys.

I just came from my editor's office,

and she said that she dropped off some research with you?

Oh, yes, I put it inside, in a drawer,

so it wouldn't accidentally get thrown away.

What I really want to know is why did you tell her

that you were Mary?

I just think that was a miscommunication.

Yeah, I'll say!

Your editor, she just assumed I was Mary.

I mean, I didn't want to, you know, embarrass her.

You know how she gets a little excitable.

She just probably got confused.

Okay, and what about Mary?

She said she came by.

She did.

Okay.

Okay, she was looking for you,

and I told her that you weren't here.

I mean, I didn't think it was my place to invite her in.

Kristen, I think it's time for you to leave.

What do you mean?

What do you mean, what do I mean?

I mean I'm home. I no longer need a housesitter.

I let you stay last night 'cause it was late,

and you had a couple drinks, but I'm here,

so you need to go... for good.

What about everything I did for you?

Well, thank you.

That was very nice of you, and I appreciate it,

even if I didn't ask for any of it,

and I will gladly reimburse any money

put out of your pocket.

Don't insult me, Dan. This isn't about the money.

I was just trying to make our house more livable.

Kristen, you need to pack up your stuff and leave.

Right now.

I don't think so.

Excuse me?

I said I don't think so.

Okay, then I will call the cops.

Go ahead.

Call the cops.

They can't do anything. I have my rights.

Your rights? Your rights to trespass on my property?

Our property.

What are you talking about?

I signed a lease, Dan,

a legal document stating that I'm subletting a room from you.

Now, you could evict me,

but of course that would be a whole other process.

I never signed any document. I--

Can I see that agreement?

Of course.

I didn't know what the hell this was.

Oh, well, it clearly states

that I'm renting a room from you, year to year.

For a year?

Yes. Do you want me to show you

where it specifies the terms?

I thought that was just the boiler plate language

for this type of contract.

Oh, Dan, I'm no lawyer,

but I don't think that'll hold up in court.

You tricked me.

I like to say I showed you what you really wanted.

What I really wanted?

Yes.

You know we have a connection, Dan.

From that day in the bookstore.

And I see the way that you look at me.

You're insane.

That's not very nice.

But I forgive you.

You've had a long day, so--

Damn it! Jeez!

DEBBIE: Okay, yeah, I should be done today about 4:00.

- [knocks] - Okay, I'll see you then.

Hey!

Debbie, this is Mary.

Now you look like my boy's type.

I was so looking forward to meeting you.

Just wish it was under different circumstances.

Likewise.

So did you send the picture of the agreement

that I texted over to the in-house counsel?

Well, damn! Hello to you too, handsome.

I'm sorry, Deb.

I'm sorry. It's like my mind is...

I know.

So did you send it over?

I did, but again,

it was as a friend to get advice for you.

Brenda is Outdoor Explorer's in-house counsel, so I can't--

I know. I get it. You explained it to me.

So what'd she say?

She said there's a problem.

Damn it. This is crazy.

I feel like I'm living in the Twilight Zone or something.

Dan, how could you sign that?

You know to never sign a contract

without having your lawyer looking at it first,

without you reading it first.

I know, Deb. I know, okay?

But what I could use right now is a little help, not a lecture.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I was in such a rush.

The Uber was outside laying on the horn,

I'm thinking about New York,

she hands me this agreement,

and I think it's to make sure she gets paid.

I thought she was a grad student,

not some psychopath.

So what did your lawyer suggest we do?

Well, officially, as a reasonable attorney,

she said there's not much you can do.

By law, you're required to allow her

unfettered access to the domicile.

Fine. She can have unfettered access.

She can also find a well to get her water from

because I'm shutting it off.

And I'm gonna turn the heat on so high up in her room

till she can't breathe.

And you need to allow her access to all reasonable amenities,

which includes control over utilities,

which all need to be in working order.

All right, well, what about unofficially?

Unofficially?

Unofficially, you can make life for her

as miserable as possible.

Hopefully, she'll leave on her own.

What about eviction?

You need cause.

Can I say that I wasn't in my right state of mind

when I signed it?

I guess it's possible.

But that would require a lawsuit,

which is time and money.

Dan, you're better off just not renewing her lease.

Renewing her lease?

You're saying it as if she's actually a tenant,

and I'm actually renting it to her.

Unfortunately, by law, you are.

MARY: You can pack a bag and stay with me.

For the whole term of this supposed agreement?

I didn't buy my dream home, so I could desert it.

Plus I'm not leaving her alone in there.

- Who knows what she'll do? - What do you mean?

Everything I own is in that house.

If I disappear for a month, who knows what she's capable of?

Okay, then let's go make the best of it.

Hi, guys!

I took the spare bedroom right next to you.

Hope that's okay.

Come on.

[grunting]

So I was looking on the Internet about squatter's rights,

just out of curiosity.

Well, that's the problem. She's not a squatter.

Well, if she was, it wouldn't be any better.

You know, I was amazed at how many rights

they actually do have.

Like they can claim a building

just by being there for an extended period of time.

It's where the phrase

"possession is 9/10ths of the law" comes from.

I guess I always assumed it had something to do with weed.

Very funny.

But the laws were actually made

so that people couldn't just buy a property

and let it go to ruin.

They actually had to live in it and keep it up.

Okay, well, that doesn't make much sense to me at all.

So tell me about your training.

Take my mind off all this craziness.

You know, the usual crisis management stuff.

How to speak to the press,

how proactive to be on social media.

Nowadays, everybody has to have some experience with it.

Like we tell them,

"Pretend you're in the public eye 24/7."

Hm. Interesting.

Can I ask you something?

Did you sleep with her?

Come on. How can you even ask me that?

Because when I saw her lying here in her bikini,

and she looked, you know...

Yeah, and what did I tell you about her?

I know, I know.

I believe you.

It's just...

[sighs]

I've been cheated on before.

Well, not by me, you haven't.

Look, I don't know why she's doing all this.

I don't know why she chose me.

But this isn't some type of Fatal Attraction obsession.

I have never touched her.

I swear.

- Fine. - Okay?

Stop, please stop.

Why?

I just...

This feels so weird.

Well, it's not like this is our first rodeo.

No, I mean with her here.

It's like I can feel her.

I know. Remember what Debbie was saying?

That we should try to make her feel uncomfortable?

So I'm just a prop now?

- Is that what it is? - No.

- That's not what I'm saying. - Then what are you saying?

I'm saying that we should just do what we would normally do.

If we want to make love, and she hears it

and she doesn't like it, then it's her problem.

Whatever.

Mary.

Come on.

Hey, hey, Mary. Mary, would you stop?

Please, come on. Hey, where are you going?

I thought I could do this, but I can't.

What are you talking about?

I can't stay here with her in the house.

It's like we have a roommate.

Do you want me to come to your place?

I just...

I'll call you tomorrow.

Hey.

Good night.

[engine revving, tires squealing]

Uh-oh.

Trouble in paradise?

Good night.

Jeez, what are you--

God, somebody's tense.

That's probably why you're not sleeping at night.

Who says I can't sleep at night?

The walls are thin. I can hear you moving around.

I don't even have to talk to you.

You know that, right?

That is true, but wouldn't it be much more pleasant

if we could just be civil?

You have the gall to lecture me on civility?

[scoffs]

There's my writer.

Hey, how come you left the side door open?

I didn't.

Well, I figured you wanted a breeze or something.

Can you make sure that door is locked?

You're the only one that goes out that way.

Yes, sir.

Do you even feel bad at all,

like the least bit guilty for what you've done?

I was nice enough to give you this gig

when I found out you were a housesitter.

And you repay me by tricking me into signing a lease?

Do you see how messed up that is?

I mean, I guess I admit I was a little sneaky.

[scoffs]

But in the bookstore, we did have sparks.

I was just being friendly.

Sure you were.

Yeah.

Whatever.

What's wrong?

I don't know. I don't feel right.

- Well, come sit down. - No.

- No, it's-- - Come sit.

No, I'm fine. I just--

- Lean back. - No, I'm fine.

Just a little bit. You're fine.

You're fine. You're all right.

[clicking]

[phone ringing]

MARY: Hello?

DAN: You still mad?

I wasn't mad.

You sleep okay?

Okay, I guess. You in the car?

Yeah, yeah, I'm heading over to Debbie's office.

I'm gonna talk to her about the article,

and I'll probably stay there and get some work done.

Plus, I kinda need to get out of there.

What are you doing?

Just work.

I got another email from Oceanic Gas and Oil though.

They might want me to come back to the site of the leak.

Told me to be ready.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, I guess.

- Ready, like today ready? - No.

I don't think so.

But I wouldn't be surprised if it's the next day or two.

So dinner tonight?

Uh, let's hold up on that, yeah?

I got a lot of work to do today,

especially if I'm gonna be leaving again.

Right, right.

Okay, we'll talk later then.

- Yep. Bye-bye. - Bye.

DEBBIE: Totally off the record, Dan.

What are the chances of this subterranean community

really happening?

- 50/50. - Hmm.

Look, there's clearly support from the city and the public.

The trick here is gonna be with the private financing.

These development companies are gonna need a guarantee.

Something like this has never even been tried before.

- Knock, knock. - Hey.

- Did you forget? - I did.

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Dan, this is Brenda, our in-house counsel.

She's the one who helped you out with your situation.

Right, no, thank you. I appreciate the advice.

Not advice, not advice.

I was weighing in on a personal matter for a friend.

Exactly. A lawyer through and through.

So any update? Just out of curiosity.

No, nothing at all.

She's still just living in my house

like she has every right to be there.

You've got quite a situation, and there is precedent.

But I've gotta say, in 25 years practicing law,

I have never seen a similar case.

Great. Lucky me.

You know, here's what I don't get.

So if 9/10ths of the law is possession,

can't I just throw her out of my house, change the locks?

Well, you could, but if she lawyers up,

you're probably gonna lose.

Plus, you'd be spending a ton of money

trying to fight it.

Told you, mm-hmm.

Well, Brenda and I are headed to lunch.

You're welcome to stay as long as you like.

Mi casa, su casa.

Right, or tu oficina.

- No. - No.

Well, thank you, thank you. I really appreciate the help.

- Good luck to you. - Thank you.

- I'll talk to you later. - Okay.

Thank you so much for meeting me so soon.

I really appreciate it.

You kidding? Once you told me why you DM'ed me,

I couldn't pass up the chance to stop that bitch

once and for all.

Yeah.

Start from the beginning, if you don't mind.

Tell me how you met Kristen Turner.

We were both bartending at Duke's.

You know that place out on Route 18?

- Mm-mm. - You wouldn't.

It's mainly regulars and truckers

getting off their shift.

But we bonded pretty quickly for safety, if nothing else.

It was a dangerous place?

It was nice to have company walking you to your car,

if you know what I mean.

Anyway, Kristen was living with her boyfriend at the time,

just like I was.

He was a real piece of work, or so she said.

Half the time, I didn't have any reason to doubt her.

Was he abusive?

She never said as much.

Seemed embarrassed about it.

That's the feeling I got, yeah.

Hmm.

And then what happened?

I told her she could stay with us.

Anson, that was my boyfriend at the time,

he's got his issues, but he's a teddy bear at heart.

He was more than happy to help her out.

After all, we had the extra room

and, to be honest,

the extra cash she gave us didn't hurt either.

So then she moved in with you.

Yep. And at first, she was the perfect roommate.

But then?

She got a little too friendly with Anson.

Did he admit it about... You know.

No, he denied it, of course.

Anson's got some great qualities,

but he has always had a wandering eye.

Not that I didn't know that when we first got together,

but eventually, I just couldn't handle the situation anymore.

I told him it was either Kristen or me.

- He chose her? - No.

No, of course not. He told her to hit the road.

And that's when she told us

she had just as much right to our place as we did.

And that's when she had you sign something, didn't she?

You bet. Neither of us even remembered it.

It was right at the beginning when she moved in.

She told us it was to protect us,

in case she was some crazy stalker or something.

Did you guys have a lawyer look over it

before you signed it?

A lawyer? The only lawyer we knew

was the public defender assigned to Anson.

He got stopped on the freeway after a couple of beers.

And as far as reading it ourselves,

what the hell do we know about the law?

Do you think she could be, I don't know, dangerous?

Listen, as soon as we found out we were dealing with some loony,

I started doing a little research of my own,

tracking down people she's lived with before.

And what'd they say?

They wouldn't even talk to me.

The second I said her name? Click.

They were frightened.

Look, I don't wanna tell you what to do,

but there's something seriously wrong with that woman.

Dan's not here right now.

Actually, I'm here to see you.

Me?

You seem surprised.

I have a legal right to be here,

as I'm sure you know.

You, however, do not, unless Dan invites you in.

So are you telling me to leave?

That's exactly what I'm saying.

I just wanted to talk to you.

I guess now me and Dara Woods

will just have to go to plan B.

How do you know that name?

Oh, don't you worry about it.

So...

What do you want?

I want you to go back

to whatever hole you crawled out of,

and I never want you to talk to me or Dan again.

So you think you can come here and scare me with a name?

How you react is your business.

But you should know that we had a nice lunch.

And with one other guest.

Our lawyer.

So what?

So one person, one house,

can be construed as a miscommunication.

The law's probably on your side,

but if you've done this more than once,

as Dara will attest,

and believe me, we'll also find

all the others you've done this to,

well, it's a criminal conspiracy.

Fraud.

You'll not only be evicted, you'll be looking at jail time.

You're lying.

Am I?

Dara Woods is a jealous liar.

Nobody's gonna believe her.

She sounded pretty convincing to me.

Well, then you won't find anybody to back her up.

Hmm. You sure?

Because I found Dara in like 20 minutes.

You're bluffing.

Maybe I am.

Night, Kristen.

Hey.

He's gonna leave you, you know.

Is that what you got?

No. I have these.

[sighs]

Hi, I'm Tracy Vale. I live right across the street.

I'm here to see Dan's girlfriend.

Hi, I'm Mary.

I used to be Dan's girlfriend.

[engine starts]

VOICEMAIL: It's Mary. You know what to do.

- [beep] - DAN: Honey, hey, it's me.

I'm just checking in.

I'm over at Deb's office to get some work done.

- But call me later, okay? - [door opens]

I'm back.

Hey, how was lunch?

Overpriced and underwhelming. You getting a lot of work done?

Yeah, I am, actually.

Still on deadline?

Are we still on deadline? Who are you talking to?

- I always hit my deadline. - I was just asking.

So I was thinking about your situation.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

As unpleasant as it might be,

there might be a great article in there, no?

No. I really hope you're kidding.

A creepy cautionary tale with a legal angle.

Sounds like a great Grisham book. Why not?

Because with any luck at all, she'll be out of my place

before I know it.

That's why not.

Hey, what's wrong?

Just, just don't. I know, Dan.

I know. I saw the pictures.

Mary, I have no idea what you're talking about.

I found Kristen's old roommate online, and I met with her.

She told me all about what Kristen was doing to her,

just like what she's doing to you.

Why didn't you tell me any of this?

And then I went to your house to confront Kristen,

but then she showed me the pictures.

What pictures?

She took pictures.

Mary, she drugged me.

Oh, come on, Dan.

- You can do better than that. - I know!

Okay, I know what that sounds like,

and I wasn't positive about it myself until right now.

But after you left last night, I had one drink.

One drink! And when I woke up this morning, I...

I was gonna tell you.

Can we just please go home and talk about this?

Please?

Right now...

Right now I just need some space.

Mary...

Mary!

Dan! Dan Settel.

Yeah, hi. I'm Dan.

I'm Tracy Vale, your neighbor.

Oh, yes, hi. Nice to meet you.

It's so crazy 'cause I've met everybody in your house,

except for you.

Wait, you've met-- What do you mean?

I spoke to your girlfriend several times,

and then earlier today, there's this very unhappy young woman,

and she was getting in her car.

I'm sorry, my girlfriend?

Blonde, pretty, sunbathes in the backyard?

That's not my girlfriend.

That's a woman that I just rent a room to.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I mean, she said she was your--

You know, this is none of my business, so...

Tracy, I've gotta take care of something inside.

It was so nice to meet you. See you soon.

Okay, nice to meet you.

[door opens, closes]

Jeez.

Didn't mean to scare ya.

If I were you, I'd get away from me,

'cause I can't be held responsible

for what I might do right now.

You saw Mary, I guess.

Pictures? You took pictures?

Just wanted to remember our special night.

You're sick.

You know that? You're really sick.

Takes two to tango.

You drugged me.

Drugged? [chuckles]

Who's gonna believe that in this day and age?

Look, you can either cry over her

or let me make us a nice dinner.

You know you can't complain about my cooking.

I would rather starve to death than eat dinner with you.

Hey, Dan, it's Brenda Evans.

I hope it's not too late to call,

but I was thinking about your situation,

and I think I might have a solution, actually.

It might be a little unconventional,

but anyway, I want to talk about it with you,

so give me a call.

[doorbell rings]

Hi. You must be Brenda. Come in.

Dan's running a little late, but he'll be here soon.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude. You are...

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm Mary. I'm Dan's girlfriend.

Here, let's have a seat, okay? Come on.

You know, this whole situation really just has us shaken up.

It's just crazy, right?

Well, it is unique.

I know. I mean, this girl, she just moves in.

Yeah.

It's a good thing that Dan and I

have a solid relationship, or...

it could really, you know...

But I have to be honest, she is really gorgeous.

I can see why the guys want to fall in love with her.

She's not here now, is she?

Oh, no, no, no.

Dan made sure she wasn't gonna be here when you were here.

- Don't worry. - Mm.

I know, but I do get a little paranoid.

Sometimes I think that she's spying on us.

Yeah.

So how did you come up with this idea

to get her out of the house?

I think we should wait for Dan.

Right, of course.

So how about something to drink?

Water would be great.

Perfect. Coming right up.

Hey, Dan! Yeah, she's here.

Yeah, I'll tell her.

Okay, see you soon.

Thank you.

I just spoke to Dan. He'll be here soon.

Yeah, I know, I-I just heard you.

So...

being a lawyer's pretty exciting, huh?

It has its moments.

[coughing]

You must be pretty... smart.

You're not-- You're not Mary.

[groaning]

[groaning continues]

No, I'm not Mary,

I'm Kristen.

[distant dog barking]

[barking continues]

Hmm.

[barking continues]

Hello?

Is anybody home?

Hello!

Hello?

This is breaking and entering, Tracy.

[sighs] The door was open.

I just wanted to make sure you were okay.

Then it's still entering.

Why'd you lie to me?

Excuse me?

I spoke to Dan.

You're not his girlfriend.

Is that what he told you?

You know what? I don't want any trouble,

so I'm gonna get going.

You've been a nosy little neighbor.

[door closes]

Kristen?

Jeez.

[knocking]

Kristen.

Kristen.

Kristen, you gotta get up.

Kristen.

What are you doing?

[siren chirps]

[police radio chatter]

How you feeling?

Fine. A little freaked out, but okay.

Just want to go over some things with you a few times.

Now, you're telling me

that the first time you met Miss Vale was yesterday?

Yeah, that's right, but I just recently moved in,

and I've been away a lot.

Apparently, she interacted with Kristen on multiple occasions.

Detective, how did she die?

Well, the coroner will give the official cause of death,

but best we can figure is

it seems as if she was strangled.

If this was Kristen, is she strong enough to do that?

There's evidence of ligature marks.

She most likely used a rope or some kind of strap.

Wow.

This is all just so crazy.

What I can't figure out is

why was the neighbor in the house?

At this point, your guess is as good as ours.

Maybe she followed Miss Turner here for some reason.

Maybe they got into an argument.

We just can't tell.

Look, we're gonna have some more questions for you, obviously,

but for right now, I think it's best if you get some sleep.

All right. Thank you, Detective.

- Yeah. - MARY: Thank you.

Okay, you're staying with me tonight.

No questions asked.

I can't.

What?

I mean, I know that doesn't make much sense at all,

but I'm not letting her do this to me.

This is my house.

Okay, then I'm staying with you.

- You sure? - Of course.

You heard what the detective said.

She's probably long gone by now.

No reason to ever think she's coming back. Ever.

DAN: You hungry?

Actually, I'm starving.

Yeah, with everything that happened,

we completely forgot to eat.

Wanna order something?

Yeah. It's not like I'm cooking anything.

[chuckles]

All right, I will run to Golden Chef.

- No, no, no, I'll go. - Oh, don't be silly.

I'm not. I mean, you've had a crazy day, to say the least.

Besides, I'd like to get out a bit.

Okay, if you really don't mind.

Yeah. Our usual?

- Yep. - Okay.

- Oh, maybe extra egg rolls. - [chuckles]

[sighs]

♪♪ [sinister]

Well, that was quick.

What'd you forget?

Babe?

Kristen.

Expecting someone else?

- How'd you... - Get home?

Okay, we, uh... We can talk about this.

Oh, now you wanna talk?

Before, all you wanted to do was ignore me.

No, no, that's not true.

It's not.

Kristen, why?

Why are you doing all of this?

Why?

I loved you.

All I wanted to do was protect you

from those who didn't have your best interests.

I made this a home.

Our home!

So we could have the American dream.

But it's not your home.

Look around you, Dan.

I did this!

For us!

Okay, Kristen, just put the knife down.

I'm sorry, Dan,

but I can't let you hurt me anymore.

No, see, it's...

It's not too late to stop all of this.

I can help you.

You're right.

You're right.

It's not too late for me.

But it is for you.

[door closes]

Damn it. Forgot my purse.

- Kristen! - Hey!

MARY: What the hell happened?

Kristen happened.

I'm calling the detective.

DEBBIE: So did you talk to that detective again?

What's his name, Reyes?

Yeah, just this morning.

And what did he say?

No sign of Kristen,

but they're confident they're gonna catch her.

And sooner rather than later.

How can they be so sure?

Remember that lady Mary tracked down that I told you about?

Well, she gave them a ton of info.

She's not getting away with it this time.

But there's no doubt that she's done this before?

The whole phony housesitter thing?

Yeah, she has.

Now, murder, well, they're still looking into that.

But they're 100% sure that she killed your neighbor?

Oh, yeah. No, forensics came back.

Her prints were all over everything.

She didn't even try to cover it up.

What a nutcase.

Dan, you picked the wrong housesitter.

How's Mary doing?

Mary's good.

We're good, which is nice.

I'm glad. She's a keeper.

I'll say. Any girl who goes out to get Chinese food

and comes back and saves your life...

So, Dan, what if I was really serious

about this story being your next article?

Uh, no.

Why not?

Because nobody would believe it.

But it happened!