Original subtitles

Oh, the fine print they put in an actor's contract these days.

Well, be that as it may, uh, I'm Tony Randall.

I'm appearing in this motion picture with a fascinating and beautiful performer-

A talented and gorgeous star with a fabulous figure-

I beg your pardon.

There. I think you'll agree that her figure is somewhat more interesting than mine.

That is, if you're interested in that sort of thing.

Well, we also have several other fine performers aboard.

All of whom are appearing in this delightful motion picture entitled, um-

The title of this delightful motion picture is...

The Girl Can't Help It. No, we made that. Hmm.

Well, anyway, uh...

this picture is about, uh, advertising agencies and television commercials...

and it is called Gertrude, Crestview 5-412-

Oh, no. Well, anyway-

Anyway, uh, the picture takes place in New York City, New York.

- And the name of it is... - Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?

Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?

Our slip-easy pop-up finger-touch ice trays.

No matter how many lushes you know...

with a slip-easy pop-up finger-touch ice trays...

you have enough ice cubes for all!

Shelton's Beer is brewed crystal clear from the streams deep in the forest swamps.

You'll be way ahead with Shelton's Beer.

There is no head on Shelton's Beer. No foam, just beer.

Pour yourself a full glass of that heavily-brewed...

clear swamp water, Shelton's Beer.

Do you want to say good bye to dull, drab hair?

Then use Tres Chic.

After drying, just run your comb gently through your hair.

You'll see the magic, the miracle of Tres Chic.

You'll see what Tres Chic can do to your hair.

You have just seen the handy-dandy Dandy Electric Shaver...

gently shave the fungus off an overripe peach.

Now watch the job it does for my stubble.

- Nothing, but nothing stops the handy-dandy Dandy.

It will leave you clean-shaven in a jiffy.

Now use the handy-dandy Dandy.

Each little crunchy contains energy...

contains pep for your growing youngsters, builds strong legs...

so that when they're older, they can stand the long waits in the unemployment lines.

Listen to the energy.

It snaps. It crunches.

Remember, that's Crunchy Crispies.

Oh, hello. I'm Jolly Jess.

Uh, by the way, do you like nuts?

Well, if you do, don't say nuts, say Frank's Vacuum-Packed Peanut Butter.

It's great. Uh-huh.

Mmm. The peanut in Frank's Vacuum-Packed-

Wow contains fallout, the exclusive patented ingredient.

Wow is gentle to your hands.

It may be a little rough on your fingernails...

but with a clean kitchen, you won't have to scratch yourself.

Wow! Wow is the wow-

Rambunctious Rupert is open day and night.

Rambunctious Rupert has the bargains.

Take the car away. Drive it off the lot.

No money down, no collateral. Just leave your wife with Rambunctious Rupert.

If you're like me, with six dirty children, and a big, filthy husband...

then you can imagine how important an easy-clean washing machine can be.

It not only easy-cleans those dirty, filthy clothes...

but it's so gentle on each garment.

So gentle that it makes wash day a day to remember.

Uh, you won't forget wash day...

if you use the easy-clean washing machine.

This is me again, Rockwell P. Hunter...

and that's Madison Avenue away down there.

That's my street, my street of gray flannel dreams.

I'm employed on Madison Avenue in an advertising agency...

way up here in the offices of La Salle Jr., Raskin, Pooley and Crocket...

or as we say, L.S.J.R.P. and C.

I'm a writer, an author of TV commercials.

This is my office, and that's a photograph of my niece, April Hunter.

April is a teenager, and she lives with me.

That's my secretary, Jenny Wells.

Jenny is not a teenager and doesn't live with me.

But she will when I can afford it.

Jenny and I fell in love one night last year.

That wonderful night we were supposed to be working overtime.

That's my immediate superior, Henry Rufus, a vice president of L.S.J.R.P. and C...

and the account executive of Stay-put Lipstick, our most important client.

Rufe is a big success. He has a key to the executive washroom.

But the largest success of all is Junior, Mr. La Salle, Jr.

He's the president of La Salle, Jr., Raskin, Pooley and Crocket.

He has his own private washroom.

He's been written up in Fortune, profiled in The New Yorker...

had his picture on the cover ofTime...

and he is a personal friend of Elsa Maxwell.

Good morning, Mr. La Salle.

Yes, Mr. Rufus. I called. He's on his way.

Hi, Gladys. Mr. Rufus wanted to see me?

Go in, Mr. Hunter, but watch out.

He's probably on his fourth tranquilizer by now.

Hi, Rufe.

Must be your fifth tranquilizer by now.

Gladys also tell you I drank my lunch?

She forgets I eat the olives.

That's where the nourishment is.

Gladys talks too much.

I ought to get rid of her...

but, uh, she has it on me ever since I got juiced up at that Christmas party...

and made a couple of passes at her I.B.M. machine.

Well, I finished the new animated cartoon commercial, Rufe.

I think you'll like it. It's to be sung by three chickens...

to the tune of "Old MacDonald Had A Farm."

Goes like this.

No.

That's "Yankee Doodle."

You have to imagine it sung by three chickens, Rufe.

Singing commercials are dead, Rocky boy.

The surveys show the jingles become hits, but the product doesn't sell.

Rocky, I've got some bad news.

- Bad news? - Concerns both of us.

- Better have a bracer. - I can take it straight.

So can I.

This is all gin.

Well, it seems the Stay-put account may pull out.

This whole joint may "foldy."

You and I are slated for the chute.

Well, that's how the ball bounces.

Wow. Oh, boy.

Gee, I was counting on a raise pretty soon.

Be my guest. Numby-wummies on the house.

What's the matter, Rocky boy? No kopecks put aside?

No. Not a kopeck.

- Takes a lot of money to raise a teenager properly, you know. - I know.

My Evelyn. She was a perfectly normal juvenile delinquent until she got a breakdown.

Rock and roll got to her. Now I take her to the analyst three times a week.

The bills. The man must be building a monument to Freud.

But, uh, that's the way the banana splits.

Don't worry, laddie. We'll get other "jobbies."

I will, anyway. I've got no talent.

Be tougher for you. But you'll probably get your old job back.

- On a fan magazine? - You did some good writing there, boy.

Mostly I just edited the fan news column.

The only big star I ever got to interview was-

Um...

Bobo Brannigansky the TV Jungle Man.

It's a pretty good article though.

I called it, "How Bobo Overcame Jungle Rot."

Actually, it was pretty well-received for what it was.

Well, that's what I mean. You can write.

You can always write TV scripts, you know.

Expand the one-line joke into the hour-and-a-half spectacular.

Time for another conference. Rocky, remember to keep this "hushied."

Junior doesn't want this bruited about.

But I couldn't let an old Harvard classmate get pink-slipped without notice.

- Thanks an awful lot, Rufe. - Oh!

- I'll be in Junior's office. - Yes, dear-sir.

We need a big idea, and "fasty," Rocky.

If you come up with anything, let me know in the a.m.

We're having a final showdown with the client.

- You mean there's a chance to save the account? - I've got a couple of ideas...

but if you can come up with the right slant, your problem can be "solvy, solvy."

It can mean a vice presidency for you.

Excuse me.

And until next week, we say good bye to Bobo Brannigansky...

And until next week, we say good bye to Bobo Brannigansky...

your friendly Jungle Man and star of the first adult monkey series...

brought to you by Flake-Off, the friendly skin peel.

And now for the news.

We take you first to Hollywood...

where movie fans are agog over the recent movements of Rita Marlowe.

Mystery still surrounds the hurried departure...

of the cinema queen from the cinema capital.

Mystery? I'm just going to New York with my secretary to rest in seclusion.

- Seclusion? Is that right? - That's right. Means you want to be alone.

- Seclusion sounds so dirty. - Well, it isn't.

So that's it. I just want to be alone.

So what's the mystery? I'm just a perfectly normal American girl.

This is your opportunity to make Junior sit up and take notice of you.

- I'd like to get a great idea and go by him in the hall...

and give him a taste of that gray flannel sneer.

- Come on. - I'll never be a success.

And remember. If you don't get an idea...

you're still a big success with me.

Am I? Hmm?

Darling, please. April may come out and see us.

Oh, it's all right. You're gonna be her aunt someday soon.

You're not treating me like an aunt.

Well, I don't feel exactly like an uncle.

All right, but easy. My insurance doesn't cover hallways.

I've lost my touch. I'm cracking!

I miss 'em already, all those little Hollywood incinerators puffing away...

making that nice black smog that covers up the freeway accidents.

I'm sorry, Vi. I just had to get away.

If you wanted seclusion, I could have drained the swimming pool.

Why the rush to New York?

We're coming here so I can form my own production company.

- Do you expect me to believe that? - Oh, all right.

I wanted to get away from Bobo. I'll show him he can't walk out on me.

Bobo didn't walk out on you!

He just left the table at Mocambo to make a phone call...

and was too loaded to find his way back.

Well, he wasn't too loaded to turn up at Ciro's with another bleached blonde!

Uh, another blonde. After all I did for him.

What was Bobo when I met him? A-A Cucamonga grape picker.

Even his feet were blue!

I remember. You thought he never took his socks off.

And do you remember who introduced him to the right people?

Who gave party after party for him?

Who built him into the big star he is today?

Shh. Do you want everyone to know you can't hold a man?

You're Hollywood's femme fatale! No man walks out on you.

- Even if they do. - We're here!

Okay, honey. Breakfast is ready.

April!

April, do you hear me?

Now, our special events camera takes you to Idlewild Airport.

April, where are you?

- Here I am! Here I am! - Where?

Down here, Miss Marlowe!

April Hunter, president of the East 73rd St. chapter of your fan club.

April!

May I have your autograph, Miss Marlowe?

What's new on your romance with Bobo?

I have no romance. All my lovers and I are just friends.

Where are you staying in New York?

In seclusion. She's incorporating herself.

Don't talk dirty on TV. It's a family medium.

- Thank you, President Huntley. - Hunter.

Hunter. I've seen all your pictures, Miss Marlowe.

- And I'm going again to see The Girl Can't Help It! - Courageous youngster.

Information, may I have the number of Idlewild Airport, please?

Bye, Miss Marlowe. Thanks for the autograph.

- Oh, you're welcome. Bye. - Bye.

April Hunter, wanted at the T.W.A. information counter, please.

April Hunter, wanted at the T.W.A. information counter, please.

I'm April Hunter. Thank you.

- Hello? - Hello.

Uncle Rockwell? How did you know I was here?

I was on TV? How'd I look?

Like six months of no allowance.

Oh, Uncle Rockwell, I had to see her.

And you know what? She's hiding out in seclusion.

She wouldn't tell the reporters, but I heard her give the address to the chauffeur.

I don't care about the address. You go to school!

Okay, Uncle Rockwell. Bye.

And that was the arrival of Rita Marlowe...

Hollywood's goddess of love, the girl with those oh-so-kissable lips...

soon to be seen with Cary Grant in Kiss Them For Me.

Now, for our early morning wake-up show, sponsored by the Last Chance Mortuary.

Rock?

I'm in here, honey- In April's bedroom.

Well, how'd you do last night?

- What are you doing? - Did I get an idea!

- I got Rita Marlowe! - Rita Marlowe?

I don't know why I didn't think of it before!

We get Rita Marlowe to endorse Stay-put Lipstick! It'll sell like crazy.

Listen, honey, when I was editing the fan news column...

all the fans wanted to know anything about was Rita Marlowe.

I ask you. What is Rita Marlowe famous for?

- Next question. - Stop that. No.

She's famous as the girl with the oh-so-kissable lips.

You've seen that in all her publicity.

Honey, we're in. I'm gonna rough out a couple of layouts.

You better go ahead so you won't be late, baby. I'll see you later.

As you know, this agency...

had the foresight to pioneer the singing commercial...

and in so doing, raised the level of musical culture in the American home.

Now we must embark on another farsighted, long-range vision.

Gentlemen, I suggest we sell the Stay-put Corporation...

on putting out a new line of lipsticks in all popular flavors.

Scotch, Bourbon, Gin.

I can see the ads.

Stay-put Vodka for the girl who leaves you breathless.

Stay-put Martini for that after-5:00 romance.

Stay-put Manischewitz for that-

Haven't you another vision, Mr. Rufus? Perhaps not so long-ranged?

Well, yes, L.S. I do.

This idea is to start kids using Stay-put at an early age.

You see, gentlemen, as a parent, I know from experience that all teenagers are kiss-happy.

- My Evelyn, for instance. - To the point, Mr. Rufus. To the point.

Well, I propose that Stay-put sponsor a teenage kissing contest.

Hold semi-finals across the country.

Fly the best smoochers to New York for the finals. Make it a color spectacular.

Get Lawrence Welk to do the music.

We'll have the kids kiss their way to the first plateau...

then put them in the osculation booth!

Mr. Rufus. Do you realize that Mr. Ezzarus, president of the Stay-put Corporation...

- will be coming through that door at any- - Rufe! Rufe!

Rufe! I want to see you.

I told him you were not to be disturbed, Mr. La Salle.

- Listen, Rufe. I've got it. - Will you get out?

- Get out? But- - Better go.

You haven't seen this, Mr. La Salle.

Better go, Rocky. I'll see you later.

I've got a job at stake here, Rufe. Listen, Mr. La Salle.

I was up all night trying to come up with something...

to keep you from losing the Stay-put account.

Finally, this morning I think I've got it.

It's really a natural, Mr. La Salle.

Losing the Stay-put account? Where did you hear that?

The meeting is adjourned, gentlemen, with the exception of Mr. Rufus.

- Please look at this, Mr. La Salle. - Better go, Rocky.

Don't make any more trouble.

I'm not making trouble. I'm trying to get us out of trouble.

I beat my brains out last night, Mr. La Salle, and on my own time.

It didn't cost you a single kopeck. The least you can do-

Stop by the cashier on your way out.

And I'd like to see you in 15 minutes.

You know, Mr. La Salle, for years, I looked up to you.

I hoped you'd notice me. You were my idol.

I regarded you as a big man. But you're not a big man.

You're just a little poop of a man!

And that's the way the poop poops.

So long, Junior!

Excuse me. I'm sorry. You all right, sir?

No harm done.

What happened, honey?

- What happened? - I got bounced!

And that's how the ball bounces!

- Junior didn't like the idea? - The poop! The poop didn't even look at it!

- The poop. - Oh, the poop.

Vice presidency! Success!

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I told you before, honey, and I'll tell you again.

You're wasting your time. I'll never be anything. Anything!

- Darling, don't talk like that. - Well, it's true! You see these pipes?

Why don't you smoke one and relax?

You didn't know I had pipes hidden away in my bottom drawer, did you?

- No. But what does it matter? - What does it matter? I'll tell you what it matters!

I bought these pipes before you came with me.

I decided on a pipe. This was after sincere ties got that insincere look...

but before Brooks Brothers gray flannel took over.

Well, I thought a pipe would give me a successful Gregory Peck look.

Gregory Peck? Darling, you're not making any sense.

You know something? You're right. I couldn't even keep the darn thing lit.

You know, I met a psychiatrist at a party once.

He told me that my pipe-smoking revealed my psychic tensions.

Half of me wanted success while the other half wanted failure.

So I couldn't make up my mind whether to... inhale or exhale.

And that's why my pipe would go out. And he was right.

I couldn't keep my pipe lit, and now, I'm out!

When you finish, I'll be waiting for you around the corner.

- Oh, that poop! - Around the corner?

Rock! Darling! Please!

- Now, don't drink too much. Don't drink too much. - No, not too much. Just enough.

- Are you sure he's here? - He must be at the usual table.

- He must have left. Come on, Jenny. - No. No, I think I hear him.

- Oh, Rock! - Now, don't nag him. He's a genius.

Besides, the acoustics are probably better down there.

Help me get the genius out.

Here we go.

- Keep quiet, genius. - There you are now.

Mr. Rufus said the man you bumped into was Mr. Ezzarus, president of Stay-put.

He saw your layouts and loved the idea of using Rita Marlowe.

He told Junior that if he could deliver Rita Marlowe...

the Stay-put account would stay put with the agency.

Mr. Rufus said that Junior�s been trying to locate Miss Marlowe all day.

He can't find her. She's hiding out.

- Even the Pinkertons he's hired can't find her. - Yes.

Mr. Rufus said that if you know where she is...

you'll get two vice presidencies and maybe even a raise.

Do you hear me, Rock?

April, my little Pinkerton.

April!

April? April.

Rock.

Dear Uncle Rockwell, Gone to the movies.

Your dinner's in the warming oven. Love and kisses, April.

Help yourself to the warming oven. I'll get that endorsement.

If what's left of my head holds out.

- April! - Uncle Rockwell, what are you doing here?

Listen.

Remember this morning, you told me, uh, you knew where Rita Marlowe was hiding?

- But that's a secret. - Well, tell me, honey...

because, uh, it could mean a vice presidency for me.

Vice president? Uncle Rockwell, you've been drinking again.

Here. You eat some popcorn, and you'll feel a lot better.

I'm okay, honey. You just tell me what Rita's address is.

Did you say something about my allowance this morning?

- I said it was doubled. - I think the address is, uh-

- All right, tripled! - No, no. It must be-

Oh, come on, Ap'! Name your own figure.

- She's at the Knickerbocker Towers. - Bandit.

Three bags of popcorn.

Well, if you�d just close your big mouth and let me slip a word in sidewise...

I'd explain it to you.

Oh, I know you're busy shooting retakes, Bobo, sweetie...

but I simply had to call you and tell you that I couldn't care less.

That it's simply "divoon" being away from you!

Easy! Not so hard!

What?

What do you mean, who's here?

Oh, well, of course it isn't Vi.

Silly.

Why do you suppose I came to New York?

- He's burning. Vi, talk like a man. - What for?

Well, so Bobo'll think there's a man here!

- I may look like a man, but I don't sound like one. - Oh!

He's a very influential New Yorker.

Right now, he's completely engrossed, unpopping the champagne.

Vi! If that's the bellboy, bring him in.

I'll have him talk to Bobo.

How do you do? Uh, I'm Rockwell Hunter.

- Come in, Rockwell! - Thank you.

Uh, I came to see Miss Marlowe.

We hardly want overheated champagne.

It's room temperature now, but the room temperature's changing...

if you get my cruder meaning.

Him! Why, he's not even a bellboy!

Never mind the uniforms. You just want the voice. Speak, boy.

Uh, Miss Marlowe, I'm Rockwell Hunter.

Rockwell Hunter? Oh, his name sounds very influential.

His name only so happens to be Rockwell Hunter.

What do you do?

Hmm? Um...

I work for, uh, La Salle, Jr., Raskin...

uh, uh, uh, Poo- uh, Pooley and Crocket.

The advertising agency?

All those names, how crazy influential.

He's only the great, big influential advertising man. That's all he is.

What do you do there?

Hmm? Um, I write TV commercials.

TV commercials? Oh, no.

No, I could never go for a guy who did that. Could I?

Only kind you've missed.

Better think of something else.

What? Yes, I told you, sweetie.

He's Rock Huntley of La Salt, Ratskin, Dooley and Crumpet.

What's a better job at that crazy place?

Well, uh, vice president is considerably better.

Never mention vice. You see, those confidence magazines always get on your back.

I know! You're president.

He's only the president of the agency, sweetie.

Oh, Miss Marlowe, I'm not president! I just write TV commercials.

Oh, Rock Huntington-

I know I'm oh, so kissable...

but why don't you pour the champagne first, Lover Doll?

It's, uh, Hunter, not Huntington.

Shh. How can I remember?

I'm all excited because you're loving me up.

- The Lover Doll did it! He's winging. - So am I.

I'll be back. I'm going for a little bit more steam.

I think my head still needs reblocking.

Oh, no, no, no! You can't leave. Wait a minute. Stay here.

You've got to say something so he knows that I have a man in here.

Come on. Come on.

Please. I'll do you a favor sometime.

As a matter of fact, I did want to talk to you, if I may, about getting your endorsement.

Now, don't start talking dirty. You can always tell a writer.

Go on. Her word's good, for an actress.

Mmm.

Hello there, sweetie. Uh, this is Rockwell P. Hunter...

Lover Doll and also president of L.S.J.R.P. and C.

Spencer Tracy couldn't have done it better.

Thank you very much, Miss Marlowe.

You're the end, darling. Go ahead. Tell him we're in business together.

- Business? - Pour it on.

It's crazy.

Uh, yes, sweetie.

I'm also, uh, president of Rita Marlowe Productions, Incorporated, Limited, sweetie.

That'll just kill him. But don't leave me out.

I have to be important in my own incorporated.

Sorry, I seem to have omitted your screen credit. Lingo of the trade.

Yes, uh, sweetie.

Uh, I'm president of Rita Marlowe Productions, Incorporated...

but Miss Marlowe is the titular head of the company.

You're hurting me.

But the big news today is from Hollywood...

and the report that TV star, Bobo Brannigansky, the Jungle Man...

and Rita Marlowe, cinema queen, have broken up.

Bobo, interviewed in a Hollywood jungle after a long-distance conversation with Rita...

had this to say to our Hollywood reporter, Dick Whittinghill.

This is Dick Whittinghill in Hollywood.

We're in a television jungle...

and we're going to interview Bobo Brannigansky, the Jungle Man.

- Bobo? - Yes?

Bobo, what did Rita tell you about her new boyfriend?

Well, she calls him her Lover Doll.

I don't mind that.

But you see, if she'd fallen for royalty-

- Mm-hmm? - A duke or an earl...

even a prince, it wouldn't have been so bad.

But a huckster? I get cold sweats thinkin' about it.

My makeup won't stay on. Even my hair piece is coming loose.

- Oh, so Rita told you who Lover Doll is? - Yeah.

President of one of those advertising places...

with all the names, like they can't make up their minds.

Name's Hunter. Rockwell Hunter.

Uncle Rockwell and Rita Marlowe?

- Oh, no.

Gotta be another Rockwell Hunter.

Bye-bye Evelyn. Be a good girl at the psychiatrist's.

Daddy, I just heard on the car radio...

Rita Marlowe's in love with Rock Hunter!

Wait, dear. I'll go with you.

According to Bobo Brannigansky, Rita Marlowe's new flame...

is the influential advertising executive, Rockwell Hunter...

President of La Salle, Jr., Raskin, Pooley and Crocket.

I'm not worried about Rita and Lover Doll.

You just watch.

Rita will come crawling back to me on her hands and knees.

- Well, back to retakes. - Thank you, Bobo Brannigansky!

So long, folks.

On my hands and knees! Did you hear that? The ingrate!

It's your own fault. You spoil all those creeps you pick up.

I picked him up. I can pick him down.

Where are you going?

When I get through with him, his hair'll be so loose...

he'll be in the road company of The King And I.

- Where is Dolly Doll? - Shh. Mr. Rufus! Uncle Rockwell's still asleep.

He must have come in late last night.

I know, and we're on the gravy choo-choo, chickie.

Your "unc-y" and Rita Marlowe are an item.

- You mean what I heard on TV- - It's front page, except for the Times.

Yesterday an autograph, today an aunt.

Hiya, Rockwell!

Hiya, Lover Doll!

Now do you believe me? You are the biggest thing since chlorophyll.

- What do they want out there? - They want to see Rita Marlowe's new heartbeat.

Heartbeat?

I don't have a decent corpuscle left.

Hello? Oh, yes, Miss Parsons.

Ah, just a minute. It's Louella.

- She wants the exclusive on your marriage plans. - Jenny's my exclusive!

Miss Marlowe hasn't set the "datey" date, but you'll be the first to know, Lolly.

Jenny! What's she gonna think when she reads all this nonsense?

- She will understand. Now! What really happened, hmm? - Nothing!

Rita just used me to make her- her Jungle Man jealous.

That's all there was to it! I went along with it to get the endorsement.

Hello.

Oh, hiya, Earl! Earl Wilson. Just a minute. I'll ask him.

- He wants to know Rita's measurements. - How would I know?

He doesn't know. It was dark.

Okay, Earl. He'll appreciate that.

He's sending you a tape measure.

What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in school!

- And have my future aunt come to a dirty house? - She's not your future aunt!

Watch yourself. Your future aunt lives upstairs.

Uncle Rockwell, it's biology. Don't fight it.

You get rolling, and you go to school!

My own niece is cracking.

Did you get the endorsement? That's the main thing.

No, but she promised. I left there. I came home.

I had a couple of... nightcaps, and went to bed. That's all there was to it.

And woke up to find you had Rita Marlowe in the palm of your hand.

Palm of my hand? You haven't seen Rita Marlowe.

Don't be shy, laddie. Let success go to your head!

Success? How am I a success?

A TV Jungle Man shoots off his mouth under a prop banyan tree, and I'm a success?

I'm the same failure I've always been.

I don't have the talent to keep my pipe lit!

We're not talking about talent!

If talent had anything to do with success, Brooks Brothers would go out of business...

television studios would be turned into supermarkets.

We are talking about success.

A world where fancy foreign cars replace subways and bus transfers!

Where all women are beautiful and willing.

A world created, designed and running like a charm for those few who have scaled the heights...

broken through the "soundy barrier" by whatever fashion...

but invariably, by being at the right place at the right time...

when success, like a crock of cherries, comes crashing down on the head of Fortune's child...

as it did on yours.

There she was, an actress fresh from the shores of Romanoff's!

There were you with a hangover, fresh from the steam baths...

standing on the threshold, the veritable threshold of success!

I rest my case, and may it be Napoleon brandy.

Now what?

Well, it's a good thing April cleaned house.

Oh, no!

There's that fancy foreign car, and does she look willing.

Ooh!

Oh, look at this.

- I gotta go upstairs to Jenny. - Wait.

You can tell her later. She'll understand.

Do you realize she just hit me with her prize geranium?

I'll explain everything to her. What's Rita saying?

- Turn on the TV. - Which station?

Any station. It's like when the president speaks.

Ooh, yes. You might say that with me and Lover Doll...

it was love at first sight.

Love at first sight? She's a nut.

This could be happening to an unknown bellboy.

Well, it's happening to you. Listen.

Doll just looked at me, and suddenly my heart went pop.

You know, like a girdle does when you walk fast-

Except, I wouldn't know, because I never wear one.

- You girdle popper, you! - Oh, she's lying. She's lying!

Why, she was under a sheet when I first saw her.

Oh, Bobo was all right...

except he always had the smell of his leading ladies on him.

They're monkeys, you know.

So naturally, I became interested in the intellectual type...

who uses that crazy soap.

- She's coming up here. - Now you can get her endorsement.

Endorsement! You get her endorsement. I'm going upstairs to Jenny.

Girdle pops! Lover Doll! Crazy soap!

She's made an idiot out of me!

Great! The perfect qualification. You'll probably end up president of the agency.

I'm so excited, I don't know which dress to wear.

Oh, Uncle Rockwell, you must be loaded with biology!

- I'm loaded with dirt. - You think of that kid's face if you blow this deal.

I'm thinking of those other geraniums.

Get the endorsement, you can afford orange blossoms.

Let Junior get his own signature! For years he was too big a man to even notice me!

Now, all of a sudden, why sh-

Hello. Good morning, L. S!

Junior. Yes, L.S.

- He's right here. - Junior?

Mr. La Salle, Jr? Calling me?

Tell Junior to call later. I'm busy.

I can't tell him that. He knows you're here.

Rufus, if you're going to be a success, be a success.

Success, here I come.

Good morning, Dolly.

Hiya, baby.

He's busy, L.S., really busy.

Mmm.

She wears a girdle.

Terribly confused, Miss Marlowe.

Well, there's nothing to be confused about. It's all very simple.

Simple? I don't even know... where I am or what I'm doing or where we're going.

All right, I'll explain. Point one.

You want me to sign your crazy lipstick thing, don't you?

Yes! That's-That's how this whole thing started.

All right. Point two.

I didn't expect Bobo to shoot off his mouth to the reporters like he did.

But he did make us headlines all over the country...

and that kind of publicity, you can't even buy!

Why, the studio even called me this morning and told me to keep it up.

They said it was good for my next picture...

which is a Russian drama about two Russian brothers.

The studio's worried about my acting in it...

so they figured the publicity would do me and the picture some good.

So, you'll get your endorsement, then everybody'll be happy.

Simple, huh?

Then you will sign the endorsement, Miss Marlowe?

Well, of course. Anytime you say.

- Oh! - Well, is it a deal?

Oh, it's a deal.

I told you it was simple. You do something for me, I do something for you.

She agreed? Great! I'll draw up the contract.

I knew you'd come through, boy. A Harvard man never fails.

How much did you agree to pay her?

We didn't talk money.

She just agreed to do this for me, and I do something for her.

What? No. She didn't mean that.

What kind of mind have you got?

No, Rufe, that isn't the way the banana splits.

She just meant that she'd scratch my back if I'd scratch hers.

We appreciate what you're doing for the agency, Miss Marlowe.

Oh, forget it. Now, all we have to do is to make you into a great lover.

Great what?

At least you're going to have to look like a great lover, so I'll look good.

Would I pick on someone who wasn't the greatest?

Oh, I wouldn't think so...

not with those measurements, but you did.

Don't sell yourself short, Dolly.

You know your way around a kiss.

I'm sorry about that. I- I don't know why it happened.

Everything was happening so fast, I- Something snapped.

Something snapped? You snapped.

And you're not a bad snapper, Dolly.

I know. I've probably been snapped at more than any girl in history...

except that Communist queen- You know.

- Catherine the Great? - Yes. Yes, her.

Well, she wasn't a Communist. She was a czarina.

I don't care what was wrong with her.

She never had some dopey director making her retake and retake her kissing scenes.

At the end of a day's work at the studio, I don't have a decent pucker left!

All I can do at night is sit home and watch my old movies on television.

So, when it comes to kissing, I know.

But you're not so bad, snapper.

Well, thank you very much, Miss Marlowe.

Probably your first time in the big leagues, too, hmm?

Yes. I guess up to now, I've just been a bush leaguer.

Okay, here we are.

Hey! This is a Justice of the Peace!

- I know. - Wait a minute.

People get married in here!

- Endorsement or no endorsement- - Don't be silly.

In my racket you get married, and your fan mail takes a dive.

- Unless you're Debbie and Eddie. - I warn you, I can't sing.

Don't look now, but there are photographers stashed all around the place.

Photographers? What for?

The studio publicity department got them here. It's all fixed.

And don't you worry. You're gonna look great in the newspapers.

This is the first part of your Lover Doll buildup.

Lover Doll.

Hey!

Oh, la, la. Lover Doll.

Nope. She's taking a bath.

Okay, Muscles. I'll tell her. Bye.

I've got to give it to you, honey. Those headlines did it.

Bobo says he's awfully sorry.

That blonde didn't mean a thing. In fact, she was a brunette.

- When do we leave? - Leave? And walk out on all this publicity? Mmm.

Publicity? You can get all of that you want in Hollywood.

Oh, hold the phone. This is Vi you're talking to.

Don't tell me you've gone and flipped for Rock?

Well, I'll be a writer's subplot. You have.

Vi, I know it all started out to be a stunt to burn Bobo...

but Rocky kissed me and then-

Something happened.

Honest, it was just like electricity.

Hmm, I know. That wonderful A.C. /D.C. feeling.

But that is not love.

Oh, it's close enough.

Now, you listen to me.

You've got to stop going overboard for every man who makes you tingle.

First there was that English actor who wore the sunglass monocle...

and then the Academy Award winner who had you polishing his Oscar.

I can't think of the others.

And then there's Bobo, and then Rocky...

and all because you can't forget George Schmidlapp.

What you need is a psychiatrist or a do-it-yourself couch.

I told you never to mention George Schmidlapp.

I've been quiet long enough. His name is George Schmidlapp.

And he's the actor who awarded you first prize...

in the Miss Florida Grapefruit Contest.

And he's the one you can't forget and never will.

So why do you keep pickin' up with these schnooks?

Always trying to turn them into unreasonable facsimiles of George.

Don't you realize you can never fall in love again like you did with George?

You don't know what you're talking about.

What do you know about love, anyway?

What do I know about love?

Well, this may come as a shock, but I was young and pretty once, like you...

and equipped with just as many extras.

I was nuts about a guy.

I was working for a silent screen actress then.

This guy I was nuts about was our milkman.

I'd get a throat full of heart every a. m...

when he'd drive up to our backdoor on Copa de Ora in Bel Air.

The sound of the milk bottles rattling and cream bottles jiggling-

Oh, it was something!

But he couldn't see me for dust.

Stardust he saw.

He had the pains for the gal I was working for, and she must have liked his brand of cream...

because they got married, and he became the producer of all her pictures...

till the talkies came in.

She couldn't speak English, being from Texas.

So the first talkie was a flop, and he left her.

But you know something?

To this day, sometimes when I'm asleep...

I still hear those milk bottles rattling and jiggling.

So, you see, honey, I know something about love.

Not much, but a little.

So, if anyone asks you why I hate milk, you know.

Vi!

Vi!

Vi.

Oh, Vi.

Oh, Vi. I'm awfully sorry. Vi, I didn't know.

I never told anybody before. Never.

But you see, that makes us both alike.

We both have someone we want to forget.

I have Georgie, and, well, you have the milkman.

So, what's wrong with trying to find someone to help you forget?

I tried that once...

but it got so bad I'd- I'd go to pieces every time I saw a bottle of half-and-half.

Then I went to a psychiatrist.

I was gonna do that too.

Except in Hollywood, they're so busy with producers you can't even get an appointment.

But it didn't work out. The psychiatrist I went to had a couch...

but it was built for two.

- Well, honey.

Here's luck to you.

Maybe- Maybe Rocky can make you forget.

As for me, here's to forgetting the high-caloric way.

- Oh! Oh, Mr. Hunter. - Yes, Pat?

- Could I have your autograph? - Sure.

On my blouse?

- There you are. - Thank you, Mr. Hunter.

Welcome.

Good afternoon, Mr. Hunter.

Twenty-three, 24-

Yes?

Jenny? It's me, Rock.

Just a minute.

Come in, dear.

Dear? Is everything all right, Jenny?

Yes, of course.

Mr. Rufus explained everything.

- I'm sorry I behaved so badly this morning. - Oh.

Well, now, honey. You do understand, don't you?

- That's the only way I could get Rita's endorsement? - Yes, of course.

Naturally, when I first heard the news, my first reaction was completely feminine.

I was hurt, jealous.

Impulsively I wanted to return your ring.

Oh, Jenny. You wouldn't do that.

- No. After some deliberation, I decided not to. - Ah, good.

I reached the conclusion that after all, you are a very attractive man.

Oh, no. I wou- I wouldn't say that.

- You are, dear. - Thank you.

And that... actress is a very glamorous woman.

It would be perfectly natural that you could become attracted to her.

But I'm not attracted to her!

The whole thing's publicity.

I'm going there now to get her signature on her contract and-

Nevertheless, the situation made me take stock of myself-

evaluate my assets and liabilities.

Honey, I love your assets and liabilities.

- Please, Rock. Let me finish. - Sorry.

I realize now that when I went to college, I made a great mistake just developing my mind.

A woman must compete for her man...

and she should stay on her toes.

For instance, to start at the top...

would you like me to change the color of my hair?

No! I love your hair just as it is.

- I can get it the same color as hers. - No!

I can go to the same drug store she does.

Please, honey. Keep your hair just the way it is.

- I just want you to be satisfied. - Baby, I'm satisfied with you!

Now, my figure. You can't be satisfied with that.

Of course, that will take time.

But if you're going to invest two dollars in a marriage license...

you should get your money's worth.

Twenty-five-

- Jenny, what are you doing? - Push-ups.

Jenny, listen to me. I love you.

You'll love me more. Twenty-eight-

I couldn't love you any more than I do!

Sure, you will. There'll be more of me.

Twenty-nine...

30, 31-

Beat it, kids. Lover Doll isn't here. On your way.

- He's upstairs with Rita. - No, he's not.

- Have you seen Lover Doll in person? - Lover Doll's not here!

- Have you seen Lover Doll in person? - Boy, he must be something!

- Lover Doll isn't here. Come on. - There he is! Lover Doll!

Lover Doll! Lover Doll! Lover Doll!

You man, you!

Where did he go?

- Who are you looking for? - Lover Doll.

Lover Doll!

Lover Doll? Is Lover Doll around here?

- We didn't see him! - Lover Doll?

Hey, who's that?

It's him! It's Lover Doll!

Oh, Lover Doll! Lover Doll!

Lover Doll! Lover Doll! Lover Doll!

Did you ever in your life see anything like this?

It seems years ago- It was only yesterday-

Only yesterday I was an ordinary guy...

wearing a cheap, gray flannel suit.

Today? Today I'm mobbed.

Today, a piece of my lapel, a piece of shirt tail...

a shoe that needs half-soling, these things are collector's items.

And yet you laugh.

You know, these kids are insane. I don't have sideburns.

Would you believe it? Before I came over here, Bennet Cerf called me up?

Wants to do a book on me, entitled, Always Leave Them Loving.

A king-size bed manufacturer...

wants me to endorse his King Size Special.

"It takes the guesswork out of sleeping."

Ed Murrow wants to Person to Person me.

A Hollywood producer wants me to remake Love Me Tender...

with me playing all the parts.

Imagine me as Debra Paget?

I'm in a crazy world! All because I-

You were at the right door at the wrong time.

- Sit down, Rocky. What you need is a drink. - And how.

Maybe two drinks.

- What'll it be? - Something simple. A-

A bottle and a straw.

You'll get used to being a celebrity.

I've been secretary, companion, confidante, and chief bottle-snatcher...

to glamour queens since the, uh, nickelodeon days.

Fame hits hard, at first.

But you'll get so you love it.

Or wind up at Menninger's.

And believe it or not, Rocky...

- you'll miss it when it ends. - Oh, no, no, no.

No, not me. This is strictly a business deal.

- What's taking her so long? - She's getting dressed. What's your hurry?

I have to get home.

Before a friend of mine... wears herself out, or ends up with short arms.

Whoo! Good evening, Rockwell.

Evening, Miss Marlowe.

Please forgive my appearance. I ran into the future mothers of America.

Oh, what a shame. Vi, haven't we something for Dolly to wear?

Oh, never mind. I- As soon as you sign the contract...

I'll go home in a hearse; no one will ever see me.

We have one of Bobo's suits. We left the coast in such a hurry...

- we accidentally packed it with our things. - Oh, no.

I interviewed Bobo once. His suit would hardly fit me-

Oh!

Oh, you see? You're catching a cold.

Why don't we let the baby dress in Mommy's bedroom?

Come, Rocky.

I'm telling you, you're making the same mistake again.

You're gonna build this guy up, and he's gonna leave you like all the others.

He can't leave me. He needs that endorsement.

Now go take Shamroy for a walk, and stay out late.

- Go see a double feature. - Hmph. Okay.

But we're not gonna see any of your pictures.

- Miss Marlowe? - Oh, yes, Lover Doll.

I'm waiting for you, Dolly-poo.

- Where are you? - Right here, darling.

- The suit is a little large. - You think so?

It's the pants, mostly. The shoulders are all right, hmm?

Sit down here.

I want to show you how you have to act when we go out.

You know, I think Bobo must be a pituitary case.

Well, now, how do I have to act when we go out?

We should be a very romantic couple, like Bill Holden and Jennifer Jones were...

in Love Is A Many-Splendored Thing.

I saw the picture, Miss Marlowe, and I am by no stretch of the imagination...

Bill Holden- that-

Well then, where did you learn to use your lips the way you do?

I don't know. It might be hereditary.

My mother is an accomplished musician. Tuba. Trombone.

Bassoon. Oboe. Brass and woodwinds.

Well, now...

to be a great lover, you must start with a lady's hand.

- Take my hand, Dolly. - I will, as soon as I can find mine.

- There we are. - That's fine. That's just fine.

Now. When you see that the photographers are ready to take our picture...

you must kiss my hand and work your way up my arm.

Up? How far up?

Well, as far as you can go, silly.

No! No, no, no, darling. When you get to my shoulder, you have to kiss me on the lips!

I, uh- I don't think I'm a lover, Miss Marlowe.

Great or otherwise. Besides, we don't look good together.

I- I'm too short for you. You should have a taller man.

When we stand side by side, my-my chin only comes to your shoulders.

Oh, don't you worry. You're gonna be a lot taller.

I had them send a pair over this afternoon.

- A pair of what? - Oh, you'll see.

A lot of actors and small producers on the coast wear them.

Ooh!

You're "divoon." You�re just like John Wayne.

Go ahead, try them. Walk an itty bit.

Oh, that's fine!

I'll get the hang of them, all right.

If my nose doesn't start to bleed.

Dolly Doll! Don't run away from mama.

Dolly? Now, Dolly, where are you going?

Jenny?

Jenny!

Jenny! Oh.

Jenny?

Jenny? Jenny!

Oh, Je-

Oh, Jenny, darling. What have you done?

Oh, Jenny!

Operator, please get me Dr. Cloes on East 74th Street.

- How is she, Doctor? - Shh!

She's exhausted, Rocky. Physically exhausted.

- What's she been doing to herself? - Well...

she's been exercising, you know, doing push-ups?

Oh. I've had a number of cases like that lately.

It's a waste of time, if you know what I mean.

I think so, but- Can I see her?

Well, she's asleep, but you can look in.

Doctor, her arms. They're like-

Merely tightened muscles. Reflex action brought on by the exercising.

Sort of a high charley horse.

They'll come down. She'll be all right tomorrow.

Like I said, Rocky. Push-ups are a waste of time.

It's really better for women to just... go to a store, you know what I mean.

I think so.

- Well, good night, Doctor. - Good night.

Better see your tailor.

Ladies and gentlemen, this break in our motion picture...

is made out of respect for the TV fans in our audience...

who are accustomed to constant interruptions in their programs...

for messages from sponsors.

We want all you TV fans to feel at home...

and not forget the thrill you get...

watching television on your big, 21-inch screens.

I have a 21-inch screen myself, and it's loads of fun.

TV is a remarkable invention.

Where did you go?

Oh. There you are. Hi. As I was saying...

TV is a remarkable invention.

You can sit there in your easy chair...

with your shoes off and a can of beer...

watching that wonderful, clear picture coming into your home...

bringing culture and entertainment to you and your family.

Of course, the great thing about TV is that you see things live at the moment they're happening.

Like old movies made 30 years ago.

Oh, it's splendid!

Ah! Well, now I hope all you TV fans feel wanted.

And lest there are any radio enthusiasts in the audience...

we don't want you to feel slighted.

As you know, Jenny Wells loves Rocky Hunter...

and Rocky Hunter loves Jenny Wells.

But they can't afford to get married.

And now, naughty Rita Marlowe...

has come between nice Jenny Wells...

and sweet Rocky Hunter.

Will Rita get Rocky?

Will Rocky forget his true love, Jenny Wells...

and go off with Rita to fame and fortune and success?

And Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?

Oh, what will happen? What will happen?

- Yes? - Mr. Hunter is here to see you, Mr. La Salle.

Ask Mr. Hunter to come in.

- Good morning, Mr. La Salle. - Good morning, Mr. Hunter.

I'm happy to see you are speaking to me today.

Oh, dear. I am awfully sorry about that.

I behaved childishly in the corridor.

- I'd like to apologize, sir. - No need for that.

I received exactly what I deserved.

Oh, no. You're just being kind. There's no excuse for behavior like that.

Well, here is Miss Rita Marlowe's signed endorsement.

Oh, yes.

She even agreed to do a TV spectacular for us.

What? How did you ever get her to do that, Mr. Hunter?

Well, I- I guess you could say, I owe it all to my mother's musicianship.

But nevertheless, you've done an amazing job for the agency.

And you've done a lot for me.

You know, Mr. Hunter? I learned a great deal when you snubbed me yesterday.

It was conduct completely unbecoming, even for a Harvard man to-

You know, Mr. Hunter, why I conduct myself in that manner?

Why I stride down the corridors like a martinet, ignoring everyone?

You're the boss. The boss can act like a martinet, if he feels like it.

No, that isn't it. I'm-

I'm a very frightened man, Mr. Hunter.

Frightened? Why, frightened of what, Mr. La Salle?

Frightened because I'm a success by the dubious route of inheritance.

Being the son of an illustrious parent is far from an easy road, Mr. Hunter.

I don't think I understand, sir.

Oh, I'm not trying to excuse my-my actions, but-

But you see, Mr. Hunter, I'm constantly on my mettle trying to prove...

- I'm as worthy as my illustrious parent. - Hmm.

And behind a big desk, camouflaged behind a custom-tailored gray flannel...

I pretend I am.

Do you know what I wanted to be before I was cajoled into being a carbon copy...

of the illustrious founder of this organization?

This? All this isn't what you want?

This is far from it.

Gee whiz. I always thought you had it made.

- I envied you your success. - I have never "had it made."

I wanted to be a horticulturalist...

to develop new roses.

My success would have been...

taking first prize at a flower show.

Perhaps having a new rose named after me.

Does that sound foolish to you, Mr. Hunter?

Oh, no. No.

I wanted to raise chickens once.

Like Old MacDonald.

Just didn't seem important enough.

No, of course not. You wanted success.

And you are probably now raising a mixed-up stomach.

I'm sure that's more important.

But you saved this organization, Mr. Hunter.

I more than appreciate it. And I know my illustrious parent must be very proud of you.

Thank you, Mr. La Salle.

Oh, Mr. Hunter. I need men like you.

- Please stay on. - Well, of course I'd like to very much.

But I don't think I'll be able to come into the office regularly for quite a while.

I made certain... commitments to Miss Marlowe to procure her endorsement.

I think it will keep me a little busy for some time.

So Mr. Rufus told me. I-I commend your integrity.

- You're a rare commodity, Mr. Hunter. - Thank you, sir.

Thank you very much, sir.

Well, talk, boy, talk.

- What happened with you and the big bossy, huh? - He is so nice.

He is so nice, Rufe. He offered me my job back.

He's a lot nicer than that, Rocky boy.

- Congratulations, Your Honor! - Oh!

- And when do I get my raise? - Oh, I never thought I'd live to see that!

- I know. Kinda gets you here, doesn't it? - It really does!

It just makes everything that's happened seem worthwhile.

Worthwhile? Take a "gandy" at this, laddie.

The key.

Your key to the executive powder room!

Wow!

You're gonna love that liquid soap. It's imported.

Oh, Rufe! This is a moment-

I'll never forget it.

I know. I remember when I got my first key.

- This means I'm- - Say it, boy. Say it. Don't be modest.

- I'm an executive! - You got it made!

And you know, it's a miracle how you overcame your education.

Now, take it. Take the key, Rocky.

- And go, boy, go! - Ooh, I wish Jenny were here to share this moment.

No women allowed.

Go, boy. Go!

Ohh!

The beauty of it all!

Hi, honey. How do you feel?

I feel just "divoon."

Jenny, stop that!

I've opened some of your fan mail, Mr. Hunter.

See?

I've separated it into the proper classifications.

Proposals of marriage to you from widows...

proposals of marriage to you from bachelor girls...

and proposals of marriage to you from married women.

I think that's all, but if you need me, just breathe hard.

I'll hear you.

- Miss Wells! - Yes?

Why don't you "Lover Doll" me? Go ahead. Get it over with.

All right, Mr. Hunter. Lover Doll, Lover Doll, Lover Doll!

Once was enough. Thank you.

That's Lover Doll?

That's Lover Doll.

He ain't no Pat Boone.

I'm coming unglued. I'm coming unglued!

Jenny? Jenny!

Now you listen to me!

I'm sorry I shouted at you. Really I am.

Jenny?

Mr. La Salle can understand that a man has to keep his promises. Why can't you?

There's nothing between Rita and me. Really there isn't.

You know, we both owe her a great deal.

If it wasn't for her, would I have a key to the executive washroom?

Would I be a Vi. P? Rita Marlowe made it possible for us.

Now we can afford to get married. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

You wanted me to be a big success. Now I'm on my way. We've got it made.

- Let's enjoy it the way we planned. - Poop.

- Jenny, if you go down that- - You're right. We're through.

All right. But you just remember this. And don't you ever forget it.

When you see me walking down the street in my elevator shoes...

remember, it was you that did it!

You blind date often, Miss Summers?

Only when I'm blind!

- I'm sorry. - I didn't mean it the way it sounded.

I just got the homogenized blues.

Darling, what's happened to you?

This music brings out the Belafonte in me, Miss Marlowe.

No, it's more than that. You're so different tonight.

No, I'm not. I'm the same Lover Doll I've always been, honest!

Just one more, Lover Doll.

Thanks, folks.

For the first time on any show...

right here on our stage, on our show...

we will show you that we've really got a big show.

Here he is, in person, Lover Doll Hunter.

Lover Doll will show all the men in our audience...

how to really keep their wives and sweethearts happy.

Show them on our show, Lover Doll.

- All women love to be kissed when they are wearing...

Stay-put Lipstick- and to kiss properly...

you must first pucker your lips...

and hold her in your arms gently...

- watching the position of the right hand. - Leave two quarts tomorrow.

Talk about sales. Would you believe it, L. D...

Rita's endorsement has "Stay-putties" selling four-to-one...

over our nearest competitor.

And is her spectacular going to be spectacular! We've had 18 writers on it...

and we're warming up a top rewrite team to rewrite the last top rewrite team.

And we're getting a great, big important guest star!

- Sounds great. - Well, you don't sound very enthusiastic.

- This is your baby, you know. - To tell you the truth, I'm kinda tired, Rufe.

- Have you seen Jenny lately? - No, I haven't seen her.

You're not still thinking about Jenny, are you?

Mm, no. Just asking.

Oh, no, no, no. That's not your office anymore.

- L.S. has a bigger office for you. - Bigger office?

Oh, things have been popping with Junior while you were away.

- How is Mr. La Salle? - Never better. All thanks to you, L.D.

This is Miss Carstairs. She's new here.

- Good morning, Mr. Hunter. - Good morning, Miss Carstairs.

If you want anything, just call.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Really stacked, that Carstairs "dishy", huh?

- Attractive. - She's on the 80-proof side, but you're a drinking man.

Why, Mr. La Salle removed the portrait of his father!

Yep. Papa's gone.

And the roses, too. Gee, the office doesn't look the same without the roses.

Junior took them too. You'll have to choose your own posies.

- Choose my own what? - Posies. The kind you like.

Just tell the stack outside. She'll order 'em.

Rufe, where is Mr. La Salle?

Which one? Junior or Senior?

Well, I know where Senior is.

Where's Mr. La Salle, Jr?

Junior's bye-bye, too.

And I think you better give me back that key to the executive powder room.

You're in solitary from here on in.

- Hello there, Rockwell. - I'd like to have a talk with you, Mr. La Salle.

Oh, haven't we reached the point where we can use first names?

- Please call me Irving. - Irving?

I'd like to have a little of your time, Irving.

Well, there's not much to say, Rockwell.

After our conversation that day, I-I started thinking.

I hadn't done any thinking since I inherited the agency.

It's not the kind of business that requires thinking, so-

So the process was a little strange for me.

But I muddled it through to a logical conclusion.

And my problems, as Rufus would say, were "solvy solvied."

I was impressed with you, Rockwell. You seemed eager for what you thought was success.

You no longer believed in your- your chicken farm dreams.

You were, in a manner of speaking, a gift from the gods.

You were the perfect man to sit at my desk and enjoy it.

The kind of man my illustrious parent would have respected as a son.

Instead of the rose grubber he sired.

I'm- I'm not at all sure I'm the man to sit behind your desk.

I'm certain you are. Success will fit you like a shroud.

Now, this is an office I really enjoy working in.

Though I don't imagine my illustrious parent is as happy as he was.

Oh, you didn't mind me removing his portrait, did you?

- No. No, certainly not. - I'm glad. I- I wanted Daddy's picture with me.

You see, Rockwell, I had got used to Daddy frowning down on me...

all those long, long years.

And now the old buzzard can be as miserable in my office...

as he made me in his.

Daddy was the first Ivy Leaguer, you know?

- Good night, Mr. Hunter. - Good night, Ed.

- Good evening, Mr. Hunter. - Evening, Mr. Hunter.

Good evening.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Jenny!

I didn't know you'd be here so early in the morning.

Uh, I just wanted to return this.

I meant to give it back to you before, but-

Jenny?

I couldn't keep it lit.

I tried. I really tried.

- I'm sorry. - Uh, Jenny!

I know now why I couldn't keep it lit.

Yeah. Remember that psychiatrist I was telling you about?

- Yes? - Well, he was right.

All my life, I've fought against being a failure.

And I didn't have sense enough to know that I'm not a failure!

I'm the largest success there is.

I'm an average guy, and all us average guys are successes.

We run the works, not the big guy behind the big desk.

He's knocking himself out trying to figure out...

how to please us- please you, and me...

and all the other "usses" like us.

Who do they try to sell with advertising?

Nobody but us. Who gives a television series a good Trendex? We do.

Who elects the presidents? Nobody but us.

You under-You understand what I'm trying to tell you, Jenny?

I suppose I do. I suppose I never wanted to be anybody but me.

Plain Jenny Wells. I tried.

But those tight sweaters are too heavy.

"Plain Jenny Wells."

Plain Rockwell Hunter...

- just wants to go through life with you. - That's very nice to hear.

But what about that not-so-plain sweater girl you're marrying this afternoon?

Marrying? Oh, that's just some of Rita's publicity nonsense.

Nonsense? Louella Parsons says it's true.

It's the lead in her column, and Louella's never wrong.

- She's never wrong! - Honey, Rita doesn't love me.

She loves a guy named Georgie Schmidlapp.

She's been trying to forget him, the way I tried to forget you.

Only we both failed.

Jenny, marry me today.

- Louella's never wrong. - Jenny, please.

- Marry me today. - You'll be a bigamist.

Two wives in one day, you'll be arrested.

They'll put you in jail. But I'll come to see you every visiting day.

Stay-put Spectacular is on the air.

Brought to you in black-and-white and contemptible color-

uh, pardon me, compatible color-

- starring Rita Marlowe...

and a surprise guest star.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

This is Rita Marlowe, star of stage, screen, and now live television.

Because this is my first live television appearance...

the sponsor has agreed to relinquish his commercial time.

There will be no mention of Stay-put Lipsticks...

nor Stay-put Lipstick's wonderful Stay-put Lipstick colors...

such as Stay-put Lipstick red, Stay-put Lipstick pink, Stay-put Lipstick flame...

Stay-put Lipstick crimson, Stay-put Lipstick magenta...

Stay-put Lipstick double red-

These are wonderful lipsticks I personally use...

for my oh-so-kissable lips...

that you will not be hearing about.

And now, for our first big surprise guest star-

Georgie Schmidlapp?

Rita, I love you.

Oh, and I love you, Georgie.

But why did you wait so long to tell me? You know, you never even tried to kiss me?

I never could get that close.

Ah, but it's wonderful to be in love.

And it's even more wonderful to be on a TV show without any commercials.

Here, hold this. Until I get back.

Well, Rita Marlowe and her true love Georgie Schmidlapp...

are successful now- You Bet Your Life!

are successful now- You Bet Your Life!

And another big success is this family-

They made the grade: Grade-A, Extra Large.

They really have it made. As long as the price of eggs stays up.

This fellow is a big "successy" as the big bossy...

even though his new secretary put him on a milk diet...

his scotch, bourbon, gin and Manischewitz-flavored lipsticks are a big hit.

And this horticulturalist developed a new, fast-growing rose.

I was awarded the first prize.

Yes, it's- It's called...

the Irving Rose.

We've learned that success is just the art of being happy.

And being happy is- Well, being happy is...

just the very, living end!