Original subtitles

WOMAN [SINGING]: It's your country and my country

With millions of real fighting men

It's your duty and my duty

To speak with the sword, not the pen

If Washington were living today

With sword in hand He'd stand up and say

For your country and my country

I'll do it all over again

ALL: It's your country and my country

With millions of real fighting men

It's your duty and my duty

To speak with the sword, not the pen

If Washington were living today

With sword in hand He'd stand up and stay

For your country and my country

I'll do it all over again

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[BAND PLAYING "MY SWEETIE"]

[APPLAUSE]

[SINGING] I never felt so happy before

A little rascal knocked at my door

It's Cupid that I'm speaking of

I'm in love, so in love

I must admit that right from the start

I/ went and lost my heart

Wait till you see me with my sweetie Showing her off to the crowd

Looking so dreamy at my sweetie Feeling so terribly proud

She makes a specialty

Of looking good to me

She ought to be right in Tiffany's window

She's a jewel I know that you will agree

Wait till I'm married to my sweetie

How happy I'll be

I've got the bungalow paid for

I've had it specially made For my sweetie

Sweetie-eetie-eetie

My sweetie and me

[APPLAUSE]

Even the matinees, he kills them.

That's why he's a great performer.

Well, he can get ready for the greatest performance of his life. This just came.

Oh, thanks. I'll take it.

[APPLAUSE]

- Hi, sweetie. - Look, honey, from the president.

- Huh? - Command performance?

The president of the United States? Well, open it up. See what he says.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

Yeah, let's see it. What is it? What is it?

Holy smoke, it's a command performance.

Oh, that's wonderful, Jerry, but what--?

- Aren't you excited? What"d he say? - I love you.

- Oh, thanks-- - Will you marry me?

- What? - Will you marry me tonight?

- Well, of course, but-- - Wonderful.

Congratulations. Starting tomorrow, you're a war bride. Look.

I've just been drafted.

- Goodbye, Mama. - Oh.

Oh, Maxie, listen to Mama.

I owe it to him. He helped us when we came to America. Now I help him.

But it was from fights and troubles we run away.

We didn't we start this one. It's up to us Americans to finish it.

Look, Mama, see what it says? "I want you for the United States Army."

Uncle Sam has his finger on me.

- Goodbye, Ma. - Goodbye.

Goodbye, my son, and take care of you. Be a good boy and don't fight.

Yes.

[CORNET PLAYING SLOW TUNE]

WOMAN: Mrs. Dibble?

Mrs. Dibble? Oh, Mrs. Dibble?

RO SE: Yes, Mrs. O'Brien.

Say, they tell me your Eddie's leaving for the war.

Yes, and the Army's glad they've got him.

Oh, so am I. Now maybe we can get some sleep around here.

Up--

[PLAYING BADLY]

All the time playing that cornet.

[SOBBING]

I know it'll be hard on you, but tell me, aren't you tiny bit proud?

I don't see what the Army wants with you, you'll never make a good soldier.

I can try it for a few months and see how I like it.

-1f I don't like it-- - What?

I could try it a few more months.

Oh, it all comes from your wanting to march in parades and play in a band.

It's all the fault of that darn cornet.

Well, it won't be a cornet any longer. From now on, it'll be a bugle.

[PLAYS BUGLE CALL]

[SOBBING]

[BUGLE CALL PLAYING]

So that's the bugler, huh?

Now I know the first guy I wanna kill in this war.

Does that mean we should get up?

Five-thirty? That can't be for us.

I didn't leave any call for 5:30.

I'm gonna roll over and get another 40 winks.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Get out of the beds!

I want this joint cleaned up before breakfast.

Get out of there, you.

Up.

The C.0.'s gonna give these barracks a white-glove inspection today.

So rise, my little beauties, and start to shine.

Ahh.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Hi. - All right, hi.

We're the new fellas. We just got in last night.

- You slept well? JERRY: Oh, yes, sure.

You know, this bed's got the softest mattress I ever slept on the floor next to.

Say, listen, chum, there's a war waiting for you.

But I ain't. Now roll out of them sacks before I bust your ankles at the knees.

- Now, get out of there. You too. - All right. All right.

You, my little white lily, up!

- You too. - He's drunk with power, ain't he?

Hey, what is this 5:30 business?

MAN 1: Left shoulder. Turn!

- Left, left. Left! MAN 2: Hey.

Platoon, halt.

MAN 1: Right shoulder. Turn!

Too fast.

What is the matter, can't you hear? I'm telling you what foot to lay down.

- Don't you know your left foot from right? - I know they're sore. I wish they were flat.

Shut up.

Oh, so the Army don't agree with you?

In some ways, ll don't agree with the Army.

Is it too much of a strain?

Wouldn't be if they kept sensible hours like civilians.

- What did you do as a civilian? - Danced.

- What would you like to do in the Army? - Dance.

Forward march.

I kept telling them you don't get no soldiers out of no draft.

So help me, when I asked what he'd like to do in this war, he comes back quickly.

"Dance,” he says, "dance.” Just like that.

Heh. Well, Jones was a dancer in civilian life.

One of the best too.

How am I gonna get over to a dope like that so that this here is a war?

Sergeant, there's a very necessary element with soldiering.

It goes by various names, but let's call it morale.

I ain't saying he's a dame chaser, sir.

Heh. No, sergeant. What I mean is that war is a pretty grim business...

...and sometimes a song or a smile is just as vital to an army as food.

- Hmm? Sir? - Teach your men to fight, naturally.

But don't discourage their attempts to entertain one another.

As a matter of fact, encourage them. Do you follow me, sergeant?

Yes, sir. Ahem.

Is there anything bothering you? You can speak quite freely, of course.

No, sir, only as far as I'm concerned, we just lost this war.

- What? - Sir. Uh--

CHORUS [SINGINGI: Poor little me

I'm a KP

I scrub the mess hall

On my bended knee

Against my wishes

I wash the dishes

To make this wide world

Safe for democracy

That was swell. Don't forget to keep scrubbing the pots while you're singing.

And you move in behind a little sooner.

That fiddle, it could stand a little rehearsal too. Well, what do you think?

Ah. Guys putting on a show give me a pain in the stomach.

Good. I was afraid you might like it. Get those copies made as fast as you can.

- How"s this, Jerry? - Oh, that looks fine, fine.

But tone it down a little. This is for the Army.

When you finish that, make me a sketch of the kitchen just the way it is.

- I wanna use it for the KP number. MAN: Jerry.

Coming right over. Got a match, sarge?

- Here's the copies for the new numbers. - Oh, fine.

I'll run over those in a couple of minutes. Gotta get something snappy for the opening.

That looks great. That looks good enough to walk down 5th Avenue all alone.

[PIANO PLAYING SLOW DANCE TUNE]

No, no, wait a minute, fellas. Wait a minute.

You're losing the spirit of things. Sit down. I'll show you.

Look, fellas, this isn't a 5-mile hike.

Pick up the tempo. Raise your feet.

Come on. Let's try it again.

[HUMMING AS PIANO RESUMES PLAYING]

Got it, Joe? Run them through a few times. They'll hit it.

JOE: All right, boys, line up.

- Don't forget that rehearsal later. - Okay, Jerry.

Two, three, four-- One, two, three, four-- Now turn--

No, hold it, fellas, look.

Point your hands, toes. Let's see those big smiles on your faces.

- That's it. Yes? - Could you use me?

- What do you do? - I'm the bugler.

Bugler? Whoa, hold it, men, hold it. It's no use, they'll find another one.

- Do you do anything else? - I play the cornet.

- Not as well as you play the bugle? - Even better, perhaps.

That seems unbelievable.

- Bernie, hand me your cornet a minute. - Okay, Jerry.

Here, play this for me.

Let's hear how it sounds.

Here you are.

[PLAYING SLOW TUNE]

ALL [SINGINGI: Someday I'm going to murder the bugler

Someday they're going to find him dead

- How is the show going, Jerry? - Wonderful.

We're gonna have a great show.

[PLAYS OFF-KEY]

- Maybe I spoke too soon. - Are these okay for the minstrel stand?

Yeah, fine. I'll be with you in a minute. Gotta fix the finale.

GROUP [SINGINGI: God bless America

Land that I love

Stand beside her and guide her

To the right with a light--

Wait. Wait a minute, fellas.

Hold it. That song is out. I got another number for that spot.

- What's the matter with this? - It's a swell tune...

...but too slow for the finale. I know what I'm talking about.

I got one that'll knock them out of their seats.

I'll sing in first-person chorus and you join in.

Here's the setting. There's a big transport built on the stage.

Got orders, you're going overseas. Everybody's marching with equipment.

You're on your way to France. Go ahead, hit it.

[BAND PLAYING "WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO FRANCE"]

CHORUS [SINGING]: All is ready so just go steady

We must be going to the pier

No more waiting or hesitating The time to sail is here

Bye-bye mothers and all the others Who come to shed a little tear

Don't cry, bye-bye Give us a parting cheer

We're on our way to France

Left flank, march.

There's not a minute to spare

That's why

For when the Yanks advance

You bet we wanna be there

Goodbye

[SIREN WAILING]

Hey.

Lieutenant McCarthy reporting. The convoy is standing by.

Well, that's fine. Sergeant McGee?

- Yes, sir. - Well...

-...this is it. The trucks are here. - We're ready, sir.

You instructed your men?

Everything's prepared. We changed the routine on the finale.

Men will march out through the audience to the truck, sir.

That's fine. Lieutenant, take charge of detail.

Yes, sir.

Well, this is what you wanted, isn't it?

Yes, sir.

Goodbye, sergeant.

- Best of luck. - Thank you, sir.

The way the show is going over, it looks like we'll really run a year.

Brother, we've got marching orders and, soldier, you"re really going to France.

[APPLAUSE]

Forward! Ho!

Old Hoboken is bent and broken From soldiers marching on her pier

While you slumber, a great big number

That's not the way they rehearsed.

To the millions of brave civilians That we are leaving over here

It's real. They're going.

Give us a parting cheer

We're on our way to France

There's not a minute to spare

That's why

For when the Yanks advance

You bet we wanna be there

Goodbye

Column, right.

March.

We're on our way to France

There's not a minute to spare

That's why

For when the Yanks advance

You bet we wanna be there

Goodbye

- Bye. No. Goodbye. - Hey, goodbye.

- Goodbye, love. - Goodbye.

- Goodbye. - Don't worry.

- Good luck. - Don't worry.

Take care of yourself.

Don't worry, darling. We'll be back in no time.

Good luck.

- Bill! - Goodbye, Mom. Don't worry.

Oh, Eddie. Eddie, you never told me.

It's that darn cornet.

Oh, Eddie.

You bet we wanna be there

Goodbye

[GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS]

[EXPLOSION IN DISTANCE]

It's a lot different from Yip! Yip! Yaphank!, huh, Jerry?

Oh, not much.

Sometimes it did seem a little noisier backstage.

I'm scratching all the names in the show on the bugle.

One's kind of hazy.

Who was that guy in the fifth row, third from the end?

You mean yourself?

Oh, yes, of course. Thank you, sergeant.

How could I forget? Eddie Dibble.

[EXPLOSION]

[EXPLOSIONS AND GUNFIRE]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

- Who's that? - It's me. Eddie.

- Are you all right? - I'm afraid they dented my bugle.

Jerry?

Oh.

Give me your hand.

[EXPLOSIONS]

ALL [SINGING]: Goodbye, France

We'd love to linger longer But we must go home

Folks are waiting to welcome us Across the foam

A fond farewell to you and yours

We won the war to end all wars

The job is done

The Kaiser isn't coming back So goodbye, France

[SOLDIERS CHEERING]

There they are, every one.

The fighters of Yip! Yip! Yaphank!.

You know, I got a cousin like you.

That is one piece of government property I'd like to see ruined.

There's Marty Brennan, dead. The art guy.

There's Clark, dead.

They're not dead.

Not a single one.

They'll live forever on this bugle.

Hey, Max, Eddie.

- What are you doing here? - Sorry, buddy.

Fine guys you turned out to be, leaving me in bed with nothing but a pitcher of water.

- Come on, Max, where's my drink? - Coming right up, Jerry.

Uh-oh. What happened to the sergeant? Somebody slip him a Mickey? I hope.

Ha-ha. I wonder what the sergeant would do after the war.

Me? I go back to my work, but him?

- He just goes back. - Ha-ha.

Civilians. Hah!

Even in uniform, you're still civilians.

What about you, Jerry, what are you gonna do?

Oh-ho, don't worry about me, I'll be all right.

I'll find some job that a fella with a game leg can handle.

But right now, I've got the biggest job of my life.

Listen to this, gentlemen.

"You have just become the father of an 8-pound baby boy."

A father?

Yeah. Hey, sarge, wake up. I'm a father. Look.

That's wonderful to have a little one to come home to. My Genevieve died.

- Genevieve? - Heh-heh.

It's his canary bird.

[ALL LAUGH]

Let's put the baby's name on the bugle. Has it a name?

- Not yet. Know what I'll call him? - What?

John Jay Piercing Jones.

Fine. We'll make him the godson of Yip! Yip! Yaphank!.

- A great show. - You said it was a great show.

Let's drink to it.

[GLASSES CLINKING]

Here's to a great show.

May there never be another one.

"On this November 11th, 21st anniversary of the armistice of World War ll...

...this is the record of those who said they had no more territorial ambitions.

Czechoslovakia, annihilated. Albania, invaded.”

--is the number you have just heard.

And now we take great pleasure in presenting to you...

...the star of our program, Miss Kate Smith.

[APPLAUSE]

Hello, everybody.

It is my happy privilege to introduce a new song, "God Bless America.”

[APPLAUSE]

[DRUM ROLLING]

[SINGING] While the storm clouds gather

Far across the sea

Let us swear allegiance

To a land that's free

Let us all be grateful

For a land so fair

As we raise our voices

In our solemn prayer

God bless America

Land that I love

Stand beside her and guide her

Through the night with a light From above

From the mountains, through the prairies

To the oceans white with foam

God bless America

My home sweet home

ALL: God bless America

Land that I love

Stand beside her

[SINGING CONTINUES OVER SPEAKERS]

- Goodbye, Daddy. - Bye, dear.

- Don't be late. - Nope.

Right, Pop?

Right, son.

["GOD BLESS AMERICA" PLAYING OVER RADIO]

Kind of makes you think of Blake, doesn't it?

Makes you think of a lot of things.

We're going to be in this yet, Mom.

[TURNS VOLUME UP]

- Hello, son. JOHNNY: Hi, Mom.

JERRY: Hello, darling.

- New song? - Brand new, first time on the air.

Brand new my eye.

You know, I threw that song out of Yip! Yip! Yaphank! 22 years ago.

Sounds better now.

God bless America

My home

Sweet

Home

[APPLAUSE]

[EXPLOSIONS]

JOHNNY: I guess that's all, Mrs. Nelson.

I just wondered if there was anything I could do.

No, Johnny.

Thanks.

He was a great guy.

Yes.

How is--?

Dorothy and Blake's baby?

Well, naturally, Dorothy is very upset and she--

She feels kind of alone and helpless with a baby that Blake never even saw.

I asked her to move in here with us, but her pride and...

I don't know what she's going to do.

JOHNNY: Must be tough on a young wife, a baby.

I hadn't thought about it.

Call me if there's anything I can do, please.

Thanks, Johnny, but Ted is the man of the house now and he'll look after things.

I'm sure he will.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Look, Ma, look. Ted gave all his stuff to me.

Even his best clothes.

Ted?

Yes, Mom.

I've got a little business to take care of for Blake.

Gee, I hope this is a long war. I wanna get in it too.

[PAPER CRINKLING]

- There you are. - Thank you.

Thank you.

- I'd like a couple of dozen military marches. - Yes, sir.

Johnny, what happened to you?

Nothing, I just changed clothes.

- You've enlisted. - You knew it was gonna happen.

Oh, you look wonderful in that uniform.

Not any better than the rest. We all have the same tailor.

It's 9:30 and I gotta report at 5:30 in the morning.

That gives us eight hours to do the town.

I can't leave yet. Dad isn't coming back tonight.

- I've gotta keep the store open till 10. - Miss Dibble, this is war.

- We're closing the joint right now. - Oh. Oh.

- Come on, quit stalling. - Wait a minute.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[CROWD APPLAUDING, CHATTERING]

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Frances Langford.

[APPLAUSE]

[BAND STARTS PLAYING "WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE"]

[SINGING] Johnny Doughboy overseas

Filled with pride and joy

Stopping everyone he meets

And shouting, "It's a boy"

What does he look like, that boy of mine?

Since the news came I can't get him off my mind

Does he resemble his homely dad?

Does he look like the girl That I left behind?

Bring on the Germans And bring on the Japs

Bring on the first who you can find

One for the rascal I haven't seen

And one for the girl that I left behind

ALL: What does he look like,

that boy of mine?

Since the news came I can't get him off my mind

Does he resemble his homely dad?

Does he look like the girl That I left behind?

Bring on the Germans And bring on the Japs

Bring on the first who you can find

One for the rascal I haven't seen

And one for the girl that I left behind

[APPLAUSE]

That must be a wonderful feeling for a soldier:

- To know there's somebody waiting for him. - Yeah.

- Especially a wife. - A wife?

Sure, it's very simple.

We stand in front of a minister, he asks me the question, I say, "I do.”

Then he asks you the question, you say, "I do."”

Or do you say, "I do"?

Honey, what could I offer you as the wife of a soldier?

A home, any kind of life together?

Just the right to write me letters. You have that now.

I could sign them "Mrs. Johnny J.P. Jones." I've practiced.

And address them to Private Jones, U.S. Army.

- Destination: Unknown. - But, Johnny--

Look, honey, we've been going together since we were kids.

We can wait for marriage a little longer.

Much as I love you, that's just not for us right now.

We're not gonna get married before you leave?

No, honey.

And I know that's best.

It was proven to me.

How was it proven?

Well...

[SIGHS]

That's what I thought.

Oh, look, that would be the romantic thing to do.

Fellas all over the country, all over the world...

...marrying just as they get into uniform.

I don't have the right.

I've offered you the right.

Well, I guess I better get home.

Thanks for letting me know how you feel about things.

Please don't follow me, Johnny.

I'm liable to say something I'll be sorry for the rest of my life.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

Darling? Darling, where are you?

- Here. What is it? What's the matter? - Oh, it's Danny.

Danny's enlisted.

Oh, that's wonderful. A son who does it the hard way. Where is he?

Hiya, Pop.

- The Navy? - Well, Pop, between us...

...we have the situation in hand.

He does look rather nice, though, doesn't he?

But, Danny, how could you?

[PLAYING BUGLE CALL]

LEADER: One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

- One, two, three, four. - Hey.

- What's going on? - One, two--

- Bend down, here's the bull of the woods. - Hey, arms down.

What's the matter with you, Twardofsky? Don't you like our early calisthenics?

- I didn't like them at first. - Didn't at first?

- How do you like them now? - I'm still on first.

- Sarge? - Sarge?

- How'd you get in the Army? - Politics.

Po--? Is that a reason?

Look, sarge, and I got three reasons for being in the Army.

First, I'm patriotic. Second, I love my country.

And third, they nailed me.

And that goes for me too.

Listen, you two boys report to me immediately after this formation.

Take them away, sarge.

You and my big mouth.

- Sergeant McGee. - Eddie.

- Why, I see you're still with your first love. - That's exactly right.

- Look at all the people coming in. - Yeah, it looks like Sunday at the zoo.

Gotta hang up a sign saying, "Please do not feed the soldiers.”

See your father?

- He's with the C.0., getting reacquainted. - So is mine.

Took another war to get those guys together again.

There's a lot of mothers and sweethearts in that mob.

Speaking of sweethearts, get a load of that military objective approaching us.

- Shall I trip her? - Hey, take it easy, yard bird.

The young lady happens to be a friend of mine.

- Hello, Johnny. - Hello.

- I didn't expect to see you here. - Neither did I.

Look, Tommy, why don't you take a ride now? I'll see you later.

Okay, maybe I'll pick up an MP.

Well. What brings you way up here in the sticks?

Dad came down to the old-timer's reunion...

...and he insisted that I come along at the last minute.

Sit down.

Thanks.

How do you like my new home?

Well, it's big enough.

- What do you think of the Army by now? - Swell.

How do you feel about things?

I'm more in love with you than ever.

But I'm more than ever convinced there's a job that has to be done...

...before we can even consider anything else.

Oh.

Don't you realize that if all men felt like you...

...there wouldn't be any more families?

- There wouldn't be any more world. - You're so unreasonable.

I'm not unreasonable.

We're in a war.

And until it's over, our private lives must just stand still.

Does that mean we're supposed to stop living?

As Johnny Jones, private citizen, yes.

I'm Corporal Jones.

I don't know how long it"ll take to get back to being Johnny Jones, private citizen.

But until I am, I don't intend to leave anyone on my conscience back home.

That's only logic.

All right, Johnny, you win.

After the war is the time for taking a wife.

But you"ll have to find a wife first.

Well, boys, here we are.

I wanted to conduct this little tour personally.

This is where Yip! Yip! Yaphank! was born, remember?

Who could forget, sir?

- A million years ago, it seems like. - Seems like it was only yesterday to me.

- I was quite a man in those days. I thought. - Yeah.

You certainly were mean to me and my bugle.

You didn't do us any favors blowing that thing at half past 5 every morning.

MEN: Ha-ha-ha. JERRY: Same old spirit after 23 years.

MAN 1: We're a couple of years older...

...but there's things about the Army you never forget.

MAN 2: Very true. MAN 3: That's right.

Hey, fellas, look at this.

The same old kitchen just like it used to be.

[SINGING] Poor little me

I'm a KP

I scrub the mess hall On my bended knee

Against my wishes

I wash the dishes

To--

Heh. I didn't remember it then, I don't remember it now.

[ALL LAUGHING]

You know, your voice hasn't improved with age either.

Say, fellas, look.

Here's a list of the old gang.

JERRY: Well, what do you know?

I'd forgotten about this.

Yip! Yip! Yaphank!. The names of all the men in the show.

There's Marty Brennan, killed in action in the Oregon.

And this little one here, Peterson, I don't remember him.

Remember the kid from Texas who opened a grocery store?

- Oh, yes. - He's gone.

Hey. there's my name. ll put it on when you weren't looking.

Remember Dopey Milligan who knew he'd get killed?

- He's now an undertaker in Des Moines. - No.

Yeah.

[ALL LAUGHING]

And there's Johnny Murphy.

Remember that skinny little kid used to be dancing all the time?

- I wonder what ever happened to him. - Here I am.

- And I'm still hoofing. - Ho-ho-ho.

Johnny, you look like the kid that swiped the watermelon.

[ALL LAUGHING]

You should see Doc Plosky if you wanna get a laugh.

- He combs his hair with a towel. - No, look who's talking.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Yes, indeed, it was a good show.

It was a great show. So were the men in it.

It was some war too, the old war.

Yeah, that was the war to end all wars.

And now we've got a new one.

Well, what are we waiting for?

A new war, a new show.

I knew it. Sir.

[LAUGHS]

- Jerry, what do you say? Will you help? - Sure, I'll help.

It'll be something for the boys to remember.

There'll be a lot of it that they'll wanna forget.

Colonel, that just reminded me. I've got a son at the camp who's got talent.

Maybe we can use him.

- I've got one too. - I've got a son too.

What's the matter with my boy?

What about us old-timers? We ought to be in it.

That's it. We ought to do an old-timer's number, what do you think?

Right. Swell idea.

Well, how about it, Murph?

[TAPPING RHYTHMICALLY]

- Let's go. - Murph is ready.

I'll tell you what. We'll do the number we did in the last show.

Remember the drill we used to do with the dance steps?

You fellas all line up just like you did on the stage.

And when the band starts to play, I'll step down in front and I'll--

We'll figure the number out so you fellas can do it without me.

I'll be busy backstage--

- What do we call the show? - Yip! Yip! Yaphank! Ii.

No, no, Max, that's no good.

It's a new war, new show. We've got to have a new name.

Well, why not state the simple fact? This Is the Army.

What do you think?

- Great. - That's a great title.

That's it. This Is the Army.

Corporal Oxford and Private Joe Cook, Jr. Yes, sir.

- Corporal Oxford? OXFORD: Yes.

- Private Cook? - Yes.

Report to Captain Frank's. You're in the Army show.

- Sergeant Stone. - Coming, lieutenant.

You're gonna be in the Army show.

Yes, sir, we'll have this tank right aft--

- What show? - It's for Army Emergency Relief.

Yes, sir. Corporal Mitchell speaking, sir. Oh, that's great. I mean, yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

- Sydney? Hey, Sydney. - Yeah?

After this run, report to Lieutenant James.

- Corporal Mendes. - Yes.

- Digger. - Yes, sir.

- Anderson. - Yes, sir.

Report to Captain Bowie.

- Corporal Truex. - Yeah?

Report to the C.0. right after this trip.

Corporal Barker...

...you'll be on detached service with the Army show.

Allon brothers, report to the Orderly Room immediately after the firing.

[CROWD CHEERING]

MAN [OVER P.A.]: Sergeant Joe Louis. Sergeant Joe Louis.

After the bout it over, report to the Orderly Room.

Corporal Burrell, report to headquarters immediately.

Private Cristiani, Private Steiner, change to o.d., report to the Orderly Room.

Corporal Perry, report to your commander.

Bernie, when you're finished with that, report to the Orderly Room.

OFFICER: Twardofsky...

-...report to the orderly camp. - Yes, sir.

Pack your equipment, we're leaving to join the show.

ALL: Yes, sir.

Well, that's all there is to tell you about the show.

I'm sure that you're all fully aware that this is for a vitally important cause.

As to your conduct in this detail, remember that you"re still in the Army...

...and every theater in which you work...

...becomes an Army post in the strictest sense.

You will continue to receive your military training before and after performances.

For your military duties, you'll be commanded by Sergeant McGee.

In command backstage will be Corporal Jones.

Take over, sergeant.

I've had strict orders from the colonel not to use any profanity today...

...so I can't tell you what I think about Army shows.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Company, attention.

Right face.

Forward, march.

This sure cooks me up.

I lose my girl with a flag-waving speech about a job to be done before I marry her.

What's the job? Helping put on a show.

Shut up back there.

There's one of the nicest guys ever born.

That guy wasn't born, he was issued.

Did I say shut up, or did 1?

I can see Mom out there. She's sitting with Eileen's mother.

But I don't see Eileen. Where's Eileen?

- I wouldn't know. - You wouldn't--

You wouldn't know? You're gonna marry that girl.

- It was my intention. - That was your--

What's the matter with that son of mine anyhow?

[PLAYING BUGLE CALL]

Hey, come on. Hurry up. Hurry up.

Johnny, why aren't these men in their places?

- Don"t they realize--? - There's time. Get going.

That "Mandy" crowd, half of those fellas haven't got their costumes on yet.

I'll guarantee everything will be ready on schedule.

Take it easy, Dad. You're trying to take care of every little detail in the whole show.

- That's too much for one man to do alone. - That's right.

I have been getting in everyone's hair.

That's not true. You've been swell.

- Okay, Johnny. I won't say another word. - Heh. See you later.

Come on, let's go.

The curtain's going up. Focus that thing right now.

[SOLDIERS CHATTERING]

[PLAYING BUGLE CALL]

ALL [SINGING]: You thought that many, many years ago

You saw the last of every soldier show

But here we are, yes, here we are again

A lot of water's gone across the dam

Since we put makeup on for Uncle Sam

To treat you as our fathers treated you then

We were drafted by our president

And we march with banners unfurled

We were drilled and trained to represent

The greatest army in the world

Yes, the greatest army of actors In the world

Now, don't get us wrong We're not here for long

Our stay in the theater is brief

We're here with the show To help get some dough

Some dough for the Army Relief

The much-needed Army Relief

But beneath the powder And beneath the paint

There's a soldier brave and true

If some guy in Congress tells you That we ain't

Let him do what we had to do

And go through what we went through

[DRUM BEATING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[SINGING] We all have been selected

From city and from farm

They asked us lots of questions

They jabbed us in the arm

We stood there at attention Our faces turning red

The sergeant looked us over And this is what he said

This is the Army, Mr. Jones

No private rooms or telephones

You had your breakfast in bed before

But you won't have it there anymore

This is the Army, Mr. Green

We like the barracks nice and clean

You had a housemaid to clean your floor

But she won't help you out anymore

GROUP: Do what the buglers command

They're in the Army and not in a band

This is the Army, Mr. Brown

You and your baby went to town

She had you worried but this is war

And she won't worry you anymore

ALL: This is the Army, Mr. Jones

No private rooms or telephones

You had your breakfast in bed before

But you won't have it there anymore

This is the Army, Mr. Green

We like the barracks nice and clean

You had a housemaid to clean your floor

But she won't help you out anymore

Do what the buglers command

They're in the Army and not in a band

This is the Army, Mr. Brown

You and your baby went to town

She had you worried but this is war

And she won't worry you anymore More, more

No, she won't worry you any

More

[APPLAUSE]

- Sergeant Dick Bernie, front and center. - Ho!

Big bunch of selectees. You know, I was a selectee once.

[CHUCKLES]

Tell me, Dick, how do you like the Army now?

[THUMP]

I said, how do you like the Army now?

- It's a military secret. - What's the matter with the Army?

- It's a little too feminine. - Feminine?

With all those women auxiliaries? Like the AWBS, the Red Cross...

...the Father Duffy Canteen, the WAVES, the WAGs, the WOOWOOs, the WOWOWSs.

And not forgetting the WAACs.

That's fine. That shows the women are really patriotic.

Maybe. But when I come home from camp on a pass...

...after slaving all week over a hot gun, heh-heh, I'm raring to go.

I got a box of flowers and a box of candies.

I run down the street, ignoring lights. I run into my hotel, up the elevator.

Knock on the bell, ring the door, the door opens, and there's my wife.

I look at her and she looks at me.

I look at her and she looks at me.

- Why don't you kiss her? - I can't. She's a first lieutenant.

[MEN AND AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]

- Oh, she's a WAAC. - That's beside the point.

The worst part: I gotta get permission from the top sergeant to talk to her.

- Oh, what's tough about that? - The top sergeant's my mother-in-law.

[LAUGHTERI

Heh-heh-heh. The top sergeant's my mother-in-law.

[LAUGHS]

He hasn't got a mother-in-law.

I'll get even, take them on a rifle range, show them how to use a rifle.

- You'll show your wife how to shoot a rifle? - My mother-in-law too. Same bullet.

- Well, you have to be a marksman for that. - Really?

Take me. I'm the best marksman in the country.

What makes you think you're the best marksman?

- I'll give you an instance. - I'd like to hear an instance.

The other day, I went hunting in the woods. In front of me, I saw a big tree.

Seated on one limb of the tree were 14 birds.

Fourteen birds? I'll be right back.

Fourteen birds were seated on one limb of the tree. Heh-heh.

He don't care about nothing.

He looks like a guy from my draft board.

Everybody in. Heh-heh.

You heard of The March of Time? There's his brother, Waste of Time.

[ALL LAUGH]

I caught you.

Oh, it's alive. Heh-heh.

Come on. Wipe the smile over your face.

Come on. Get serious.

Get serious.

Think of your salary. That did it. What were you saying about the birds?

- Fourteen birds on one limb. - Yeah.

- I looked at my rifle, I had one bullet. - My.

My objective was to get the birds with one bullet.

- You can't do it. - I did it.

- How? - I took my rifle, aimed, fired.

The bullet split the limb, birds got their feet caught on the limb.

I walked over, sawed off the limb, put it across my shoulder...

...walked home with the 14 birds...

...and it wasn't a good day for hunting that day either.

- You wanna hear real shooting? - Yes.

Spread. Make it look like a regiment. I was out in the woods, hunting.

Saw a deer. Picked up my rifle, aimed to fire, when I heard noise.

What you think it was?

- What? - Wild ducks.

I wanted those ducks.

I picked up my rifle, when I heard noise. What was it?

- What? - Geese.

I didn't want deer, ducks, I wanted geese.

Picked up my rifle, aimed to fire, when a snake jumped up in front of me.

Boy, I changed my plans completely.

I didn't want deer, ducks, geese, I wanted snake.

I picked up my rifle, aimed, fired. Barrel split in two.

One went right, killed the ducks. One left, killed the geese.

The bullet shot the deer.

The snake, I choked him to death.

The gun hit me. I fell into the river.

Come out with boots full of fish. I take a fish.

- What happened? - What?

Button snapped off my coat, killed a rabbit. Heh.

And it wasn't a good day for hunting that day either. Heh-heh-heh.

I'd have killed more, but I was tired that day. Heh-heh.

I'll go quietly. Ahem.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Corporal Jimmy Burrell, front and center.

You"re ordered to sing what may very well be every soldier's theme song:

"I'm Getting Tired So I Can Sleep.”

[SINGING] Out on a hike all day, dear

Part of the Army grind

Weary and long the way, dear

But, really, I don't mind

I'm getting tired so [ can sleep

!/ want to sleep so I can dream

I/ want to dream so I can be with you

I've got your picture by my bed

It will soon be placed beneath my head

To keep me company The whole night through

ALL: For a little while, whatever befalls

I will see you smile

Till reveille calls

Till reveille calls

! hope you're tired enough to sleep

And please sleep long enough to dream

And look for me for I'll be dreaming

CHORUS: Dreaming

Dreaming

Dreaming of you the whole night through

ALL: For a little while, whatever befalls

I will see your smile till reveille calls

Till reveille calls

! hope you're tired enough to sleep

- And please sleep fong enough to dream CHORUS: Ooh

And look for me for I'll be dreaming Dreaming

ALL: Dreaming

- Too CHORUS: Dreaming too

[APPLAUSE]

Detail, halt!

Which is your son, Mr. Truex?

He's the one in charge of the guard.

He's a little bigger than I am, but I don't mind.

Corporal Phil Truex, acting sergeant of the new guard reporting.

Your orders are to take charge of this post and all government property in view.

All guard, relieve. Forward, march.

[BAND PLAYING "MANDY"]

"Mandy" number ready. Lights.

[SINGING] I was strolling out one evening

By the silvery moon

I could here somebody singing A familiar tune

So I stopped a while to listen Not a word I wanted to miss

It was just somebody serenading

Something like this

My pretty Mandy

[CHORUS HUMMING]

There's a minister handy

And it sure would be dandy

- If we'd let him make a fee CHORUS: /f we'd let him make a fee

So don't you linger

Here's a ring for your finger

Isn't it a humdinger?

Come along and let the wedding chime Bring happy time

For Mandy and me

[ALL HUMMING]

ALL: My pretty Mandy

There's a minister handy

And it sure would be dandy

If he made a fee

So don't you linger

Here's a ring for your finger

Isn't it a humdinger?

Come along and let the wedding chime Bring happy time

For Mandy and me

Oh, Mandy

There's a minister handy

And it sure would be dandy

Come along and let the wedding chime Bring happy time

For Mandy

Mandy

Ding, dong, ding, dong

[BELL CHIMING]

Let the wedding chime ring out

For Mandy

[CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY]

Mandy

Mandy and me

[APPLAUSE]

Great. Wonderful. Ho-ho.

You were worrying about a minstrel number being old-fashioned.

Why, it went just as well tonight as it did in the old show.

Grown-up guys in dame's clothes, if that ain't a sad sack of bananas.

Oh, McGee.

Hurry it up, fellas. Queue is barking at your heels.

Step on it. Speed up.

Hey, Johnny, Bennet hasn't shown up for "Ladies of the Chorus.”

- What's the trouble? - Bennet hasn't shown.

He's the funniest man in the number. Got somebody to replace him?

- How about Tyrone? - Oh, no.

Dame's clothes. What must their mothers think?

Now, listen, McGee.

Opening night is trouble enough without having you around...

Sergeant McGee, as stage manager of this troop, I order you to report to Wardrobe.

- For assignment to "Ladies of the Chorus.” - What?

- Over my dead body. - Corporal of the guard.

[MEN LAUGHING]

Okay, sarge. Let's go, sarge.

Magician act. Curtain.

[APPLAUSE]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

MAN: Prepare for inspection.

Nn-nn-nn.

[BLOWING]

[AIR HISSING]

[LAUGHS THEN MUMBLES]

[HUMS]

[HUMS]

Tsk, tsk.

[SPITS]

[POPPING SOUND]

[MUMBLING]

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Hello. Heh-heh. Ooh-chie.

Corporal Mendes, why aren't you prepared for inspection? Attention.

Corporal...

-...you're smoking. - Yeah.

Get rid of that cigarette.

[COUGHS]

Look at that floor. I've never seen such a mess.

Pick up those papers, on the double.

I'll have you doing KP for the duration for this, Mendes.

There won't be enough potatoes in the state of Idaho to keep you busy.

You"re out of uniform. Where's your cap?

Put it on.

Correctly. One inch over the right eye.

Where's your tie?

- I put it over-- - Where's your tie?

Look at that blouse. The buttons are gone again.

How many times do I have to tell you...

...you can't give those away like fraternity pins?

Now, you get some buttons on there, quick.

Button up.

I said, butt-- Mendes you're impossible.

The day you become a soldier, I'll be pushing up daisies.

[HUMMING]

Will you pick that thing up? Mendes, you're impossible.

Any resemblance between you and a soldier is purely propaganda.

You're a disgrace to the Army, a noncommissioned officer.

I've got a good mind to take your stripes back.

Mendes, how on earth can you command the respect and attention of another soldier?

[APPLAUSE]

[BAND PLAYING LIVELY TUNE]

Private, sergeant, lieutenant, captain, major, colonel...

...general. Hmm.

Men, the basis of military efficiency is teamwork.

Strip for action, let's go to work.

[APPLAUSE]

[BAND PLAYS SLOW TUNE]

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]

[DRUM ROLL]

[APPLAUSE]

[DRUM ROLL]

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTERI

[DRUM ROLL]

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC RESUMES]

Ahem. Men, we faced the tasks before us and we've come through triumphantly.

And as I led you through these amazing feats...

...it was a source of encouragement to know you were behind me...

...assisting me every moment.

It's doubtful that I could've accomplished all this alone.

It's only by pitching in together...

...that we can build this unwavering tower of strength.

Now, as we go on, you could--

Now, I can't impress upon you too strongly the need for a steady foundation.

- From the general down to the-- - Private.

"Ladies of the Chorus.” Curtain.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

[BAND PLAYING INTRO MUSIC]

[LAUGHTERI

- Sergeant McGee. - Ha-ha-ha.

And I thought I knew men.

ALL [SINGINGI: Ladies of the chorus

That's what we are, it appears

We were inducted and we took a vow

We joined the Army but look at us now

We're ladies of the chorus

Don"t we look lovely, my dears?

In corsets and dresses

And cute golden tresses

To hide the dirt behind our ears

! was a plumber, I quit work last summer

My number come up at the start

! was a printer, I quit work last winter

They okayed my lungs and my heart

! was a farmer, potato embalmer

They took me away from the plow

! was a packer, I chewed plug terbaccer

I wish I had some of it now

Oh, now we're in the chorus

Dressed up in girdles that squeeze

We're here to romance with

To sing and to dance with

A bunch of nerdy guys like these

Pardon me, But aren't you the country maiden?

That's my son, the fourth from the left.

Cuddle closer, won't you please? I'm about to take a squeeze

Very pretty, isn't he?

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

He had to join the Army to get into show business.

--But [ can't

She will treat you like a queen But I'm only 17

If you are 17, then so's my aunt Whoo!

Heigh-ho, I want you to behave

[MEN WHISTLING]

Heigh-ho, I think you need a shave

[MEN WHISTLING]

Do you think that you can get me Into pictures?

If you're nice to me I'll get you on the screen

- How about a movie test? - Not with hair upon your chest

And now it's time to dance But keep it clean

[APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER]

- Hey, sergeant. - Scram.

Hello, Macy.

- Put up your dukes. - Now, wait a minute.

- I'm not gonna hit a lady. - No. What?

Come on, fellas. Hurry up. You're on next.

- Well, how's it going, men? - Great.

That audience is sure treating us great.

Well, you fellas deserve it.

- Say, that's kind of a nice feeling, isn't it? - It sure is.

Hello, Joe. Nervous?

Mr. Jones, I quit worrying the day I got into uniform.

All 1 know is I'm in Uncle Sam's Army and we on God's side.

That's a fine way to feel. I don't know anyone that could say it better than you.

- And we're right behind you, Joe. - Good luck to you.

SOLDIER 1: Let's take this one down. SOLDIER 2: Oh, yeah.

All right, next number on-stage.

- Johnny, got the music? - Yeah, yeah, thanks.

Nice going, Joe.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING INTRO MUSIC]

[SCATTING]

[SINGING] There's a change in fashion that shows

In those Lenox Avenue clothes

Mr. Dude has disappeared With his flashy tie

You'll see in the Harlem Esquire What the well-dressed man will desire

When he's struttin' down the street With his sweetie pie

[SCATTING]

Suntan, shade of green

Or an olive drab color scheme

That's what the well-dressed man in Harlem Will wear

Dressed up in 0.d."s With a tin hat for overseas

That's what the well-dressed man in Harlem Will wear

Top hat, white tie and tails no more

They've been put away till after the war

If you want to know Take a look at Brown Bomber Joe

That's what the well-dressed man in Harlem Will wear

CHORUS: Suntan, shade of green

[SCATTING]

Or an olive drab color scheme

That's what the well-dressed man in Harlem Will wear

- And really on the bass CHORUS: Dressed up in o0.d.'s

With a tin hat for overseas

That's what the well-dressed man in Harlem Will wear

Top hat, white tie and tails no more

They've been put away till after the war

- If you want to know - There's Joe

CHORUS: Take a look at Brown Bomber Joe - He really is

CHORUS: That's what the well-dressed man in Harlem

Will wear

All right

[BUGLE CALL PLAYING]

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi-yo, Silver.

Don't stop, don't stop.

[SCATTING]

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]

Sarge, there's a couple of fellas at the stage door wanna take you out.

You flat-footed, can't-march-out-of-step hammerhead.

You don't have to take that.

If you weren't wearing glasses, I'd punch you in the nose.

- I ain't wearing glasses. - Don't change the subject.

You're a bigger dope than your old man.

You'll never live to be as big a dope as my old man, right?

Right, son. Oh, what am I saying, huh?

[MUSIC STARTS]

On-stage, Navy number.

ALL [SINGINGI: This is the Army, Mr. Jones

No private rooms or telephones

MAN 1: How about the Navy? MAN 2: Yeah, how about the Navy?

It's about time. Now you're looking at men.

Mm-hm. Best in the Army.

[MEN CLAMORING]

MAN 1: Hey, hey.

MAN 2: Get out of there.

MAN 3: Hey, you.

Play "Anchors Aweigh."

[BAND PLAYING "ANCHORS AWEIGH"]

[APPLAUSE]

ALL [SINGING]: The Army this, the Army that

Is all we heard from where we sat

Now, how about a cheer for the Navy?

The Army's great, the Army's tough But don't you think we've heard enough?

So how about a cheer for the Navy

We know that Mr. Stimson Is solid as the rocks

But how about an orchid For Secretary Knox?

The Army may be in the groove But Walter Winchell won't approve

Unless you give a cheer for the Navy

Hip hip hooray We haven't got long to stay

So how about one bouquet For the Navy?

One word of praise, Let it flow from your lips

One cheer and then We'll go back to our ships

Hip hip hooray The Army has had its say

You're letting them get away With the gravy

Just let them know That an Army show

Could never be a hit without the Navy

The Army's what you may prefer But in the social register

Is where you'll have to look for the Navy

If you would like to touch the gilt Of Astor or of Vanderbilt

You'll have to come around to the Navy

The show was in the alley It simply wouldn"t do

Until the big finale With Navy white and blue

The Army sails across the foam The Navy always brings them home

So how about a cheer for the Navy?

Hip hip hooray We haven't got long to stay

So how about one bouquet For the Navy?

One word of praise, Let it flow from your lips

One cheer and then We'll go back to our ships

Hip hip hooray The Army has had its say

You're letting them get away With the gravy

Just let them know that an Army show

Could never be a hit without the Navy

Give a cheer, give a cheer, give a cheer

Give a cheer for the Navy

Just make it clear that a rousing cheer

Is very much in order for

the N

A

v

Y

The Navy

Navy

[APPLAUSE]

JOHNNY: Get changed for the Air Corps number.

Anderson, is everything set for "Stage Door Canteen"?

- Props and everything? - Yeah. This just came for you.

All right, get on-stage, you prima donnas. Let's go.

Get on for "Stage Door Canteen.”

Hey, fellas. Get a load of this wire.

Anybody I know, John?

We're going on tour. What do you know?

-"Boston, Philadelphia, Washington.” - Washington?

Hey, wouldn't it be something if the president came to see us?

Wouldn't it be something if we could get this makeup off...

-...before the war is over? - You said it.

[ALL LAUGH]

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[BAND PLAYING LIVELY TUNE]

To the right, hey.

- All right, miss. - Thank you.

Teddy, take over.

TEDDY: Turn right, march.

Well, say something. Hello, at least.

- Hello. - Hello.

- This uniform. - Oh. Red Cross auxiliary.

I'm helping out back home in my spare time.

- Did you come to see the show? - I wanted to see Dad and the president.

- And you. - Me?

I've missed you a lot, Johnny.

I tried to convince myself you're not worth bothering about.

I just haven't got the willpower, I guess.

- I've missed you too, plenty. - Thanks.

Eileen, there's something I'd like to explain.

- About our marriage? - Yes.

There are a million guys thinking of the same thing:

What to do about their girl back home.

Well, it was when I went to see Mrs. Nelson. Just before I enlisted.

Remember when Blake was killed at Pearl Harbor?

Yeah, I know. But what has that got to do with us?

Well, she was telling me about Blake's widow, Dorothy.

Just a kid, but a widow with a baby.

Lonely and sort of helpless.

With so much pride, she wouldn't impose on anyone.

You'd be like that, Eileen.

That's no future for you.

But, darling, you weren't killed at Pearl Harbor.

Besides, how could I be a widow with a baby if we don't get married?

That's just why we don't get married until this war is over.

- Corporal Jones, they're waiting for you. - Coming.

You understand, don't you? Don't you?

Will I see you after the show?

- I don't know. - Please, say you'll meet me right here.

Johnny.

You better hurry.

Men, you know who's going to be out in front tonight.

Our boss. The president of the United States.

Now, you guys have given a lot of great shows...

...but tonight's gotta be the best one of all. All right, sergeant.

[HORN HONKING]

Hey, Johnny, look. There's the president.

And General Marshall. And the Secretary of State.

[BAND PLAYING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF"]

[APPLAUSE]

Gosh, just like he looks in the newsreels.

Hey, fellas. The president.

Gee, I'd like to go out and thank him for that raise he gave us.

Canteen number.

[PLAYING "HOSTESSES OF THE STAGE DOOR CANTEEN"]

[SINGING] Merrily we appear on the scene

Hostesses of the Stage Door Canteen

Sponsored by a lady With the wisdom of an owl

Waiting for instructions From our captain, Jane Cow/

Good evening, ladies.

Good evening, Miss Cow/

Tonight's a special occasion so be especially bright.

The cast of This is the Army will be our guest tonight.

They must have fun, but don't be fools. It must be done according to the rules.

- You must be ladies HOSTESSES: Don't worry, Miss Cow{

Merrily we appear on the scene

Hostesses of the Stage Door Canteen

Entertaining soldiers Who are going off to war

Glad to be of service But we could do much more

We could do more for the boys

And greatly add to their joys

But we don't get very far

The rules and regulations Are we mustn't be seen

Outside the canteen with a soldier

They each could do with a gal

Would greatly help their morale

But we simply must resist

We take an oath when we enlist To never be found

Canoodling around with a soldier

[LAUGHTERI

Miss Cowl.

Miss Cowl. Oh, Miss Cowl. Oh, Miss Cowl.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

No, really?

Oh, you bearer of great news.

[SCREECHING]

Where, out there? This passes anything I'd hoped for.

Boys, you'll never guess. It's Lynn Fontanne.

[APPLAUSE]

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Ahhhh.

[LAUGHTERI

What a lovely group of soldier boys we have here tonight.

Now I must do something for you.

But what can I do? I have no talent for dancing or singing.

But I have got Alfred.

Ah-ha-ah. Ah-ha-ah.

- Where is Alfred? - Alfred who?

Alfred Fontanne. Alfred Lunt.

Alfred.

[IN MANLY VOICE] Alfred!

Where are they? Where are they?

Oh, I thought it was Abbott and Costello. Ahem.

I want you to get out of that kitchen, help me entertain these men.

Lynn, darling, I experience a rarer ecstasy in that kitchen...

...than I have ever experienced on any stage.

When 8:00 comes, instead of the stage manager...

...knocking on the dressing-room door, calling, "Fifteen minutes, Mr. Lunt"...

...Ethel Barrymore says:

[MIMICS ETHEL] "Hamburgers...

[GASPING]

...hamburgers...

[SCREECHING]

[FLATLY] ...hamburgers.”

[IN NORMAL VOICE] And I ask Charles Boyer...

...how he'd like to have hamburgers, and Charles Boyer says:

[AS CHARLES] "1 adore them.

They remind me of the Casbah, of Paris and pink champagne.

Next week, I'll be back at the same time with Hedy Lamarr...

...and I hope you will receive her with your usual discriminating kindness.

So until then, au revoir.”

[APPLAUSE]

[NORMAL VOICE] I ask Herbert Marshall...

...how he likes hamburgers, and Herbert Marshall says:

[AS HERBERT] "Many people ask my opinion of hamburgers.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's more than an opinion, it's an adoration.

But hamburgers throw themselves away in this frantic desperation to do something.

And in the end...

...does anyone love hamburgers?

Do they love anyone? No.

But do I love them? Why, you silly little things...

...of course I love them. What a question.”

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[BAND PLAYING "I LEFT MY HEART AT THE STAGE DOOR CANTEEN"]

[SINGING] Old Mr. Absent-Minded, that's me

Just as forgetful as I can be

I've got the strangest sort of a mind

I'm always leaving something behind

I left my heart

At the Stage Door Canteen

CHORUS: At the canteen

I left it there with a girl named Eileen

CHORUS: A girl named Eileen stole his heart away

I kept her serving doughnuts

Till all she had were gone

I sat there dunking doughnuts

- Till she caught on CHORUS: Till she caught on

I must go back to the Army routine

CHORUS: The old Army routine

And every doughboy Knows what that will mean

CHORUS: Will know what we mean by routine

A soldier boy without a heart

Has two strikes on him from the start

And my heart"s at the Stage Door

Canteen

CHORUS: He must go back to the Army routine

And every doughboy Knows what that will mean

ALL: A soldier boy without a heart

Has two strikes on him

From the start

And my heart's At the Stage Door Canteen

CHORUS: My heart

is at the Stage Door

Canteen

[APPLAUSE]

- Mr. Jones, I gotta get off. I gotta. - What is it now?

I'm having a baby right this minute.

- A baby? - They just told me.

I thought my wife was in the theater. She's in the hospital.

All right, now calm down. It's all right. Go ahead and have your baby.

- Thanks, Mr. Jones. - Don't forget to take off that costume.

Yeah, the kid won't know which one's his mother.

[CHUCKLES]

- Hello, fellas. - Hello, Jerry.

That's it. Let's go, boys.

What a lucky bunch of stiffs you are to be in on a command performance.

- Don't we know it. - If anybody misses a cue...

...or gets off the beat tonight...

...I'll strangle him. You understand?

Sure, we won't let you down.

I know you won't. You should see the crowd.

Every big shot in town.

I'm gonna take a look at the number from the front.

I wanna see how the boss likes it. Good luck to you all.

Put the number over as you never put it over before.

- Good luck. - Okay, thanks, Jerry.

What he wouldn't give to be in this number.

- You bet. - And how, and how.

Say, fellas. Wait a minute.

Air Corps number. Curtain.

[BAND PLAYING "WITH MY HEAD IN THE CLOUDS"]

[SINGING] What does a flyer think of

When he's up there in the sky?

Ask any Army pilot

And he'll answer with a sigh

While I'm there in the air

With my head in the clouds

I think of someone I love

And I know down below

She is thinking of me

When I am up there above

When the night is clear And the bombardier

Drops a bomb that's wired for sound

How [ yearn to return With my head in the clouds

To the one I love

On the ground

CHORUS: While I'm there in the air With my head in the clouds

I think of someone I love

CHORUS: And / know down below She is thinking of me

While I am up there above

ALL: When the night is clear And the bombardier

Drops a bomb that's wired for sound

How [ yearn to return With my head in the clouds

To the one [ love on the ground

[AIR RAID SIREN WAILING]

ALL [SINGINGI: Eagles, American eagles

America sings of her wings in the sky

Eagles, American eagles

America's strong just as long as they fly

More bombers to attack with

More bombers Till the skies are black with

Eagles, American eagles

America sings of her kings in the sky

[CHILDREN CHEERING]

American eagles

America's strong just as long as they fly

Give us some more bombers To attack with

More bombers Till the skies are black with

Eagles, American eagles

America sings of her kings

In the sky

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC RESUMES]

- Hello, darling. - Hello.

- Well, how's it going? - Oh, wonderful.

Jerry., I'm worried about Eileen. She hasn't come in yet.

Huh? Oh, don't worry about those kids. She"ll turn up.

Hey, Mom, got some news for you.

After tonight, you're gonna get your old man home for good.

Is the show closing?

Boys don't know it yet, but this is the last performance.

What are you bawling about, Mom?

- I'm awfully glad to see you, lady. - Oh, Ted.

I wanna tell you something while I still have the courage.

- Something wrong? - No, it's--

I just want you to know it's all right.

I mean, about the Army.

I was wrong before, this is what I raised you for:

To be a credit to your country and to yourself.

- Thanks, lady. - So...

...don't worry anymore, son. Just take care of yourself if you can.

- And, Ted? - Yes?

- Give it to them. - Don't you worry, Mom.

[APPLAUSE]

Ladies and gentlemen, we take you back 25 years...

...to another war, another soldier show.

We present an original scene from Yip! Yip! Yaphank! with Irving Berlin.

[APPLAUSE]

[PLAYING BUGLE CALL]

[BAND PLAYS LIVELY TUNE]

Attention.

- Murphy. - Here.

- O'Neill.

- Dylan. - Here.

- Barkley. - Here.

Jones.

Jones.

Jerry Jones.

[APPLAUSE]

Jerry Jones. The great musical comedy star.

One of the original members of this number in 1917.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC RESUMES]

Sergeant Jones, take over.

Attention.

- Riano. - Here.

- Burns. - Right.

- Clemens. - Here.

- Spencer.

Berlin.

Berlin.

At ease, men.

The second time this week Berlin's failed to show.

Find him. If he doesn't report in five minutes...

-...I'll turn him into a lieutenant. - Okay.

Attention.

Right dress.

Left step, march.

Backward, march.

As you were.

- At ease. ALL: Whew.

Attention.

In cadence. Exercise.

[MUSIC RESUMES]

[APPLAUSE]

Attention.

Corporal, I just spoke to Berlin.

He said to see if the Army couldn't get on without him.

Oh, he did, did he? Take over, corporal.

I'll take charge of Berlin.

Left face.

Forward, hey.

[MUSIC RESUMES]

[APPLAUSE]

Come on, come on. It's time to get up.

Come on, sleeping beauty. Wake up.

[SINGING] You gotta get up, you gotta get up

You gotta get up this morning

[APPLAUSE]

I've been a soldier quite a while And I would like to state

The life is simply wonderful The Army food is great

I sleep with 97 others In @ wooden hut

I love them all, they all love me

It's very lovely but

Oh, how [ hate to get up in the morning

Oh, how !I'd love to remain in bed

For the hardest blow of all Is to hear the bugler call

You gotta get up, you gotta get up

You gotta get up this morning

Someday I'm going to murder the bugler

Someday they're going to find him dead

I'll amputate his reveille And step upon it heavily

And spend the rest of my life in bed

ALL: Oh, how [ hate to get up in the morning

Oh, how !I'd love to remain in bed

For the hardest blow of all Is to hear the bugler call

You gotta get up, you gotta get up

You gotta get up this morning

Someday I'm going to murder the bugler

Someday they're going to find him dead

And then I'll get that other pup

The guy who wakes the bugler up

ALL: And spend the rest of my life in bed

[APPLAUSE]

Hey, corporal. There's an attractive young lady waiting for you outside.

- There she is. - Oh, thanks.

- Eileen, is anything wrong? - Johnny, this is Chaplain Burke.

- Congratulations, corporal. - What did I do?

Corporal, I've decided you don't know what the war is all about.

We're free people fighting for the right to remain free.

To work, to be married and to raise a family in a fine, decent country.

Eileen, honey, I know that.

Then why do you act like we've lost the war?

Open your heart, Johnny.

We're all in this fight together. Women as well as men.

Let's share our responsibilities. I wanna be a part of you, Johnny.

A part that goes with you on the battlefield. Someone to come back to.

[VOICE BREAKING] This is a free United States.

Doggone it, if we wanna get married, let's get married.

[SOBBING]

Could you cut it a little short? I'm in the next number.

Rationing is the order of the day. We'll need witnesses.

- Oh, hey, Frank. Will you get my father? - Sure.

- Oh, mine too. - Okay.

Forgive me, honey.

You ought to be ashamed. I even had to buy a ring.

To have and to hold from this day forward.

To have and to hold from this day forward.

For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health.

For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health.

For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health.

CHAPLAIN: To love and to cherish until death do us part.

To love and to cherish until death do us part.

To love and to cherish until death do us part.

[APPLAUSE]

SERGEANT: Company, attention.

Present arms.

Order arms.

- Put the men at rest, sergeant. - Parade, rest.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is with regret and pride...

...that I make this announcement to you...

...to members of the cast and to their families.

This is the final performance of your soldier show.

In minutes, when the curtain comes down for the last time.

...the men will be ordered back to their combat units.

Men, you have done a great job for a great cause.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC STARTS]

[SINGING] 'Twas not so long ago

We sailed to meet the foe

And thought our fighting days were done

We thought 'twas over then But now we're in again

To win the war that wasn't won

This time we will all make certain

That this time is the last time

This time we will not say "Curtain"”

Till we ring it down In their own hometown

For this time

We are out to finish The job we started then

Clean it up for all time this time

So we won't have to do it again

ALL: Dressed up to win We're dressed up to win

Dressed up for victory

We are just beginning And we won't stop winning

Till the world is free

This time we will all make certain

That this time is the last time

This time we will not say "Curtain"”

Till we ring it down In their own hometown

For this time

We are out to finish The job we started then

Clean it up for all time this time

So we won't have to do it again

Dressed up to win We're dressed up to win

Dressed up for victory

[APPLAUSE]

We are just beginning And we won't stop winning

Till the world is free

For this time we will all make certain

That this time is the last time

This time we will not say "Curtain"”

Till we ring it down In their own hometown

For this time

We are out to finish The job we started then

Clean it up for all time this time

So we won't have to do it again

We'll fight to the finish this time

And we'll never have to do it again

[APPLAUSE]

[ENGLISH SDH]