Original subtitles

I just want to say that this is not a story

about my mother and how she got famous.

It's a story about me.

My name is Erica Ingels. I have a sister, Opal.

Okay. It's about my sister, too.

I'm almost ready.

Okay. It's about my mother too, but not completely.

This is my life.

Okay. So this time you be Ed and I'll be Johnny.

I was Ed McMahon the last time. You were not.

Was to. Was not!

Erica. You're always on Opal's side.

You're probably wondering how all this happened to me.

Well, I was living in Queens with my two girls

and we were all crammed into this unbelievably small house

with my aunt Harriet.

How small was it?

It was so small that when you brushed your teeth,

you couldn't brush sideways... Anyway, there I was,

we are talking total obscurity here.

Of course now and then I was on the Johnny Carson show.

And now, live from Hollywood, California, the tonight show

starring Johnny Carson and now, herrreee's Johnny!

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight we welcome back one of our tonight show regulars.

Who's become incredibly popular since her first appearance here.

Let us welcome her now, Dottie Ingels!

That's what I did at night.

In the day, I was also on television.

Thank you, Mimi. I know you're gonna be happy. You look beautiful.

Don't laugh.

This is my life.

Excuse me, sweetheart, in the beige blazer,

what's your name? Joanne.

Joanne, are you married?

Oh, dear. Single but with married skin.

We all know what married skin is

don't we? Oh, don't we.

Have I got something for you. Do you know what this is?

This is anti-aging placenta extract.

We do not talk about whose placenta or what placenta.

But trust me, Evelyn,

this is probably a Jewish placenta.

A Jewish sheep's placenta that is.

As she's applying the lengthener...

Can you see that? You know what's happening?

Men are gathering. Really?

Really? They are?

Like oxen to the watering hole.

This is the very latest development for making sure

that no one can guess that you, Evelyn,

could possibly have a daughter at the advanced age of,

what are you sweetheart, 35?

32.

She could be 32.

It's the sun, right darling? It kills the skin.

Don't go to Florida anymore.

I was reading this article,

"what do men really want in a woman?"

What do they want? What?

The number one response? Long eyelashes.

You think I'm kidding? What's your name?

If you're tired and feeling droopy,

settle down and just relax,

put your feet up on the bathtub,

use exfoliating wax.

You know, sweetheart, you have a little tiny red spot right here.

I'm sure it's nerves, but I have something else for you

in case it spreads over your entire body.

Trust me, when I say bibbity-bobbetty-boo, Jessica,

you are no longer a pumpkin. You are a coach.

Jason Finkelman is gonna take one look at your eyes

and forget about Valerie Novak.

Am I exaggerating? No, I am not exaggerating.

I'm I Erica?

Never mind.

If she wore a little makeup...

I am never, ever wearing makeup.

Her eyes wouldn't look so beady.

Lay off your sister, Opal. Erica is just like me.

And eventually she's going to come into her own, just the way I did.

I was 14 years old... don't chew your hair, sweetheart...

And I was sent off to camp...

Raise your hand if you've heard this story before.

Everyone else spent the summer doing archery.

I spent the summer looking in the mirror.

And I realized this is it,

you'd better make the best of it.

And ever since I have made the best of it.

With only a brief detour into total folly,

but let's leave your father out of this.

The point is, Erica, you're never going to be a conventional beauty,

but you are going to be special. I personally guarantee it.

I thought you already read that book?

She's read it six times.

Opal, please, would you get off your sister's back?

Who is it? The VCR repair man, thank god.

Well, you be careful with him. He steps one foot in the door,

it's a $32 minimum. I can't live without the VCR working.

I have to tape other people's acts.

I have to study timing. Delivery. Besides,

it's a business expense. I can deduct it. From what?

It's fate. Totally fate.

I don't see that.

The VCR could have broken at any time.

When does it break? Thursday. So?

The day before the VCR repairman is going

to see his first cousin, an agent,

so he can tell him about me,

who he didn't even know the day before.

What's an agent?

Well, you know how a robber cracks open a safe?

Well, an agent is someone who cracks open your career.

So, who else is he an agent for?

Oh, many jackies you never even heard of.

So why is he seeing you?

Because his cousin asked him to.

This is important. Listen carefully, girls. This is a life lesson.

Everyone in the world is only two phone calls away

from everyone else in the world.

You just have to know who the phone calls are.

Please, please don't do this to me. Start.

Like I'm only two phone calls away from J.D. Salinger.

Oh, I'm sure you are. Mom, I don't even think he has a phone.

Of course he has a phone. He dates.

He's laughing. That's good, isn't it?

Maybe he's just polite.

You know, just because your kids think you're funny doesn't mean you are.

Thanks for coming in. Well, thanks for your time.

You bet.

Is he gonna be your agent? Some day.

Some day he's going to beg to be my agent.

I knew it. But he was laughing.

Suppose dad sees mom on TV?

I don't think we have to worry about that just yet, Opal.

Okay, but if she gets an agent and gets famous

and becomes a guest star on something.

Like suppose he's sitting home one day and watching

the $25,000 pyramid show and suddenly sees mom?

And suddenly remembers he has children?

And comes to see us. I don't think so, Opal.

I can hardly remember him.

I know.

Some days I scrunch up my eyes

and I can't even get his face to float into my brain pan.

There's just this big blank screen.

Darlings, just forget about him.

Your mother's the one who keeps this whole kit and caboodle together.

Your mother works her fingers to the bone all week long.

We know. We know.

But what was he like? I don't want to know him again,

but aren't there things we should know? Like what?

Like, did anyone in his family have diabetes or anything?

I have no idea. How should I know?

Yes, there is diabetes. No, there isn't diabetes. What difference is it?

It was a mistake for your mother to marry him.

She only married him to prove she could get somebody to marry her.

Who was she proving it to? Her mother.

Her mother was dead. Only in the technical sense.

Your mother and father had a fight at their own wedding reception.

Aside from that, it was a lovely party.

$15 per person, but worth considerably more.

All they did was fight.

Fishka fishka foon. What?

That's what we used to say so we wouldn't hear them fighting.

I don't remember that.

Fishka fishka foon. Fishka fishka foon. Fishka fishka foon.

Erica! Fishka fishka...

Erica, now listen to me.

You girls are the only good thing

to come from that marriage.

Now come here, madam Fifi.

Hmm-hmm. Salty kiss.

And you, my tchotchkkela.

Ohh!

Now go to sleep.

Goodnight.

He hated carpeting.

He did?

I don't know why I remember that.

The mind is a very weird thing, Opal.

There was this dog that lived across the street named Triscut.

And you used to think that boys' penises look like Triscut's penis,

kind of like a crayola but retractable.

I never thought that. Yes, you did.

I didn't. Yes, you did.

I did not. Goodnight, Opal.

I didn't think that. I did not think that.

I know I didn't think that.

Anyway, that's the way it was before.

We were a normal family in our own peculiar way.

Hello.

And then, just like that, aunt Harriet died.

She died fast. It was over like that.

It wasn't a long and painful death.

Sweetheart, she died in Loehmann's.

She had a heart attack in one of those dressing rooms

with 29 other women in her girdle and bra.

And when it was over, no one knew which clothes were hers.

They had to dress her in new clothes

but they forgot to remove those big white burglar tags,

and when they carried aunt Harriet out

she set off all the store alarms. Really.

No. Not really. Listen. We were all wrecks.

We didn't know what we were going to do.

But... but...

Well, every problem is an opportunity, isn't it?

I mean, you know, let's be honest about this.

Your aunt left you her house

so that you can continue to live in comfort.

How much is it worth?

She was concerned that you and the children

should live without disruption.

Is it 80,000? 120,000?

Ah, slightly more than that. You see there's no mortgage

so you'd only be paying the carrying cost, the heat, the utilities and so forth.

So I could sell it? I could sell it.

I could take the money and I could see...

What? I could.

I could. I could do it.

I could do it.

Um, how much more than 120,000, do you figure?

Slightly, slightly. Slightly? Slightly?

Slightly could be a lot more. Ahem.

I want to put up the house for sale immediately.

Do you think you could help me with that?

Where is my purse? Where is my purse?

You left it in the car.

Sweetheart, don't chew your hair.

Come on, girls. Come on. Let's get in the car.

Okay. Fold on that suitcase there.

I got my...

Jerk.

Just 'cause you don't have any friends you're never gonna see again.

She has friends. No, I don't.

Well, you will in Manhattan.

Come here, a three-way hug. Come on.

All right. Let's burn rubber.

Okay, here we go.

Think of it as an adventure, girls.

Come on.

'Cause she'll chew it up and swallow it

and make a big glob of hair in her stomach.

It's fate. It's fate. The rabbi who did the funeral

has a sister who used to be married

to the landlord of this building.

Everyone in the world is only two phone calls away...

From everyone else in the world.

So then I asked Martin, do you know a housepainter

and he said... My cousin.

See? Do you see that, it's amazing.

Ruby's brother is a policeman, but on the side he does floors.

The living room is huge. Yep.

Where are the bedrooms? Down there.

You can have anyone but the big one.

I got dibs on the middle bedroom.

I like this one. This ones mine.

I love this bedroom. The kitchen's great.

The lifestyles of the rich and famous, here we come. Okay!

Hup, hup, ooo-da!

Good work. You only broke a couple of things.

And the ming vase was a fake anyway, so...

You don't know what I'm talking about. Thanks again. Bye-bye.

You guys look great. It looks like you been

going here your whole life.

Come here. Big squeeze.

Love you. Bye.

Erica. Erica. Don't chew your hair.

All the great comedians, I'm talking about the legends,

they all have something that makes them unforgettable,

Lucille Ball... red hair,

Jackie Gleason... fat. W.C. Fields; Nose.

What does Robin Williams have?

A tremendous amount of body hair.

It's just something so they'll remember me.

Dozens of people just like me turn up at these clubs every week.

- I'm the one in the dots. - That is for sure.

Are you gonna wear them all the time?

I haven't decided.

Maybe it won't work out. Don't you girls worry.

It is definitely going to work out.

Where is my purse? Just once I would love

to be able to walk out the door and know where my purse is.

Wish me luck. Love and polka dots.

So that's how I started

"love and polka dots"? Break a leg.

She went off to the comedy club at night.

Flapjacks!

At night I went off to this comedy club

where I personally would not drink from the glasses.

Hey, I said, "flapjacks"!

How was it? How was it?

Did they laugh? Did you bomb?

I'll tell you the truth if you promise not to tell.

Promise. Who would we tell? We don't know anybody.

They laughed. They laughed at me.

And sometimes it was great...

And back again by popular demand, flapjacks!

And sometimes it wasn't.

It was an off night, that's all. When you're starting...

You want to know about bombing?

Sweetheart, some nights the audience was so dead,

they were wearing toe tags.

God, what are we gonna do if it doesn't work?

It'll work. You could get married again.

No I could not. I'm never getting married again.

The truth is I don't believe in love.

But you love us. That kind of love, sure.

Between a mother and a child, sure.

Okay, who wants more?

Oh, lighten up, Erica. Everything's gonna be fine.

Okay. It wasn't always wonderful.

But in the beginning we felt like we were a part of it.

You know the aunt Harriet thing went great.

What aunt Harriet thing?

I do this thing about aunt Harriet in heaven.

That was my idea. What do you do?

Well, you know, aunt Harriet goes to heaven

and does it cheaper than anyone else.

It's very funny. That was my idea.

Well, what about aunt Harriet?

What about her? What about her feelings?

She's dead, Opal.

Part of being an artist

is using things that come from your life.

Oh.

Don't let me drop it.

I'm not in the mood to cry tonight.

Can I help you with something here?

Can you finish cutting the cornbread?

You can put it in the basket over there.

How is it? Very good.

Aunt Harriet's special dressing.

God love, aunt Harriet.

I'm so glad I'm here and not with my family.

Thank you for inviting me. Right now me and my sister

would be getting in trouble for for making fun

of my brother's wife who squints.

I've never seen this woman's eyes.

My brother would be screaming at his kids,

and my mother would be repeating my dads bad jokes really loud.

Can I give you a hand. Yes, Marianne, please.

You can take these string beans out.

Oliver, I think we need some more wine in the refrigerator.

Do you know that Lester's getting a divorce?

Why did he ever get married in the first place?

He married young. It's easy to get married young,

it's later that's a problem.

What if Lester asked me out? What if he asked me out?

What if she asked me out.

If I said no, will he ever put me in the lineup again?

Suppose my comedy career is over because I turn someone down

for a date? That would be so ironic.

Ta-da!

Gobble, gobble, gobble...

You think it's big enough for us?

Oh, it's beautiful!

Please help yourself.

So I put on the hat,

I say, "I think that I should never wish"

a mammal nobler than the fish."

Which sort of sets it up because they realize

that what I do are couplets about fish.

But a fish isn't a mammal.

I know, but nothing else fits the meter.

All right. Then I hit them with this,

"many for bravery praise the state trooper,

while I admire stately grouper."

And a "grouper" is a...

It's a fish. A fish.

"On subject ichthyological, I don't mean to harp,

but who is grander than the carp?"

It's a good one.

You do know what a carp is?

Sure. A carp is a goldfish that complains a lot.

Anything she says belongs to me.

See my problem is I don't belong in a comedy club.

I'm too sophisticated for that.

They want set up, punch.

Set up, punch. Set up, punch. Here's the hideous thing.

Skip "the loon" Tyler got an agent.

Skip "the loon"? Yes, he did.

He stinks. He does my material.

Morty Bashes is his agent. Does he have a contract?

No. He doesn't have paper in his office.

That's a rumor. Morty Bashes is his uncle. That doesn't count.

I don't know why you guys are so hung up about agents.

I had an agent for four years. I had to pay him a signing bonus

plus 20% commission

and he never returned my phone calls.

I have an agent. You do? That's great.

Congratulations, mom.

Who is it?

Arnold Moss.

Arnold Moss? You're kidding.

Moss himself, Moss?

Well, his assistant, Claudia Curtis.

Oh, she's good.

I haven't actually met Moss himself.

I couldn't imagine it would be Moss himself.

Well, if she makes it it would be Moss himself.

That's great, Dottie. Congratulations.

Yeah. We're all very happy for you.

I can't believe she has an agent and we don't have an agent.

She has an agent. I can't believe it. I can't take it.

Hey! Come on, everybody. This is great news.

Thanks, Mia. Thanks.

I didn't say tall, but I'm very cute...

Hi, Lester.

Hello, Dottie.

Girls, you're gonna sit with Claudia, okay?

Hey, Chris.

Hi, this is Claudia Curtis.

This is Opal. This is Erica.

Have a seat, sweetie. Okay, so...

Get ready. I got this covered.

I'll see you later, okay? Don't forget to laugh.

I'll get you two some drinks.

I'll be with you in a minute.

How are you? Fine. How are you?

Ugh, don't ask. So what are we having? Cokes?

You already had one coke today. So?

Two cokes and I'll have the white wine spritzer, please.

I'm basically terrible.

I'm trying to kick my dependency

on Mr. Can't- finish-his-analysis.

I'm thinking of going to a hypnotist.

I figure they could stop you from smoking,

they can cure you from being attracted to a crazy person

nearly 20 years older than you.

Hi, girls. Mia, hi, we're here.

Hi. Mia Jablon. Claudia Curtis.

Your mother is a nervous wreck tonight

because this is the first time you've ever seen her perform.

And Arnold Moss is coming. Moss himself?

When's are mom gonna be on?

Lester's putting her on first because of you.

Well, and because of Arnold Moss. Himself.

If you have to go to the bathroom you should do it now.

I think I know when I have to go to the bathroom, Erica.

When Mr. Therapy-forever, Mr. Legend-in-his-own-mind

shows up, he's always late.

I'm too young to be seeing a fat person, don't you think?

I had a dream about this enormous blimp,

I mean we're talking football field size blimp.

And you know who that blimp turned out to be?

Okay, real chivas for Mr. Moss from my bottle.

And comp the table. Thanks, I'll pay.

So, I hope you have not dragged me here to see yet another

female comedian who thinks housewives are identical to prostitutes.

No, no. So what am I doing here?

Dottie Ingels. Remember?

Does she pretend to take a shower? No.

Is she the one that gives birth to a mouse?

No.

Dottie Ingels is a very funny person.

And she doesn't act about our aunt.

Erica helped her.

Who are these. Her kids.

Kids.

Good evening. Welcome to another night of hilarity here.

How are you?

You all know my reputation for bringing the freshest,

the finest, funny people to the forefront.

Tonight is no exception because this lady is exceptional.

She's gonna tickle your heart and break you funny bone.

Please welcome Dottie Ingels.

Thank you, Lester. Thank you.

Okay, this is my life. Until six months ago,

I was working the makeup counter

at the Macy's on Queens Boulevard.

Now, I'm not proud of this,

but I have actually convinced a woman to buy placenta cream.

I don't understand this, do you?

I mean, I know how they invented a grilled steak.

A piece of meat fell into the fire.

But how did they find out that putting placentas on your face

made you look younger. I can't imagine.

Somewhere in this world

there's a 90-year-old obstetrician who looks like 20.

Right? How did this happen?

It's a girl. It's a girl.

And I look stunning.

The first night I saw my mom perform

I was the most nervous I ever was in my life.

But she got up and she was so funny,

and everyone was laughing, I couldn't believe it.

It was my mom up there. I mean, I knew it was my mom,

but it wasn't.

It was like she was someone else, too.

St. Peter, very nice to meet you.

I've heard... I've heard I'm happy to say...

The night I met Arnold Moss, what can I say?

It was like meeting Elvis, or Brando, or Orson Wells,

or some other huge legendary figure.

He was sitting in the audience with Claudia

and the girls were there, and I couldn't believe it.

I mean, one minute I'm auditioning for these brill building lowlifes

and six months later, I'm on stage

and Arnold Moss is watching me.

This is also not my life.

As a rule I don't breast-feed in restaurant's.

Call me crazy.

"The la leche league." Have you met these women?

They think that you should breast-feed your kid

until he's old enough to unbutton your blouse.

They love it. I'm bonding with my baby.

The baby is 48 years old and opening a dairy queen.

Mom, I can't believe it. You were swell.

Mom, you were great. You killed them.

I'm so glad you liked it.

She's going to be even better in L.A.

Arnold Moss. Hi.

Excellent. Excellent.

It just happened. What is she doing there?

She's going to be in the famous comedy shop on the famous sunset strip.

Mom? Look, let her talk to Arnold Moss.

When are we going? It's not a trip for children.

Mom?

Mom, when are you going to L.A.?

Absolutely not. We won't be in the way. I promise.

Children do not leave school when their mothers go on

short business trips. It's not short.

It is, too. It's three weeks.

Opal, she is going to perform at the famous comedy shop

on the famous sunset strip.

Big deal.

It is a big deal. And they're paying her.

This is an incredible opportunity for all of us.

Arnold Moss says that if this works...

Mom, he eats paper. He does?

He ate a whole napkin.

He did?

The pediatricians number is on the wall above the phone.

I thought you were too old for a pediatrician, Erica?

I'll take care of that when I get back.

The bathroom door doesn't shut. Get the super to fix that.

Actually when you think about it,

the real difference in where you live in New York is your bathroom door.

On the east side they shut. On the West Side they don't.

And downtown there are none.

They wouldn't get that in L.A.

Anyway, it's not very good.

Yeah, you're both right.

I told the baby-sitters you hate mayonnaise.

Do your homework.

If you don't water the plants I don't care.

Eat some breakfast, okay?

You don't have to force yourselves with oat bran.

Opal, can you get these out of my purse, please?

These are journals, sweethearts. Take notes while I'm gone.

Don't write letters. This is a life lesson.

Letter writing is ridiculous.

Nothing ever arrives within a week,

and someone else ends up with what you should have...

A record of your life.

When are you coming back? Three weeks, sweetheart.

Taxi!

I told you just three weeks. Oh, a credit card...

A credit card. For emergencies only.

You have all the numbers where I am?

Yes, I got all the numbers.

You brush your teeth once in a while? Yes.

So will I. All right.

They're gonna love you. You think?

Don't worry about it.

I'll be calling you everyday. I'm gonna miss you.

You're gonna be great.

I'm nervous. I know, but you're gonna be great.

Bye. Love and polka dots.

I miss you already.

Now what?

The first baby-sitter we had after mom left was Ed,

who does imitations.

And he even does an imitation of mom.

He says if she ever gets famous enough,

everyone will do her because she is larger than life.

Ready.

Okay, reach in and pull out the bag.

Reach in and pull out the bag.

Bauck, bauck! Easy. It's okay.

Bauck, bauck, bauck!

All right.

Ooh!

All right. You're gonna have to help me on this one.

Go ahead push. Buack... Push it. Buack...

Okay, push. Buack...

Eewwww!

The next baby-sitter we had was Angela.

Angela is developing a routine about modern ballets.

She says there are too many swans

and not enough housewives.

My ear hurts.

I know, honey. I know.

I'm sure it's just an ear infection.

We'll get you some medicine.

Tell Angela to buy you a whole bunch of dumb magazines.

Okay.

God, I can't hear anything here.

I know. I can't hear you very well over here either.

Well, let me speak to Angela for a minute.

Okay, hang on. Angela, mom wants to talk to you!

Dottie, you famous yet? Not quite.

Listen, Angela. Would you call Dr. Murphy and ask him

to phone in a prescription to the all-night pharmacy?

And then came Dennis,

who was no longer writing couplets about fish.

What is it about Lawrence Welk

that brings to mind the dainty elk?

You're kidding? He was in the audience? I don't believe it.

Opal, get on the phone. You have to hear this.

Hi, mom. Hi, sweetheart.

And then he came back stage

and he said, "I love your work".

Steve Martin loves my work.

What was he like? I have no idea.

That was the sum total of our relationship. Four words.

Then I said, "what?".

So that's one more word.

But can you believe this? It's happening, sweethearts.

It's really happening. I'm not crazy.

It's like a dream. It's so great, mom.

When are you coming home?

I wanted to talk to you about that.

Things are going very well

so I wanted to stay out here

a little longer than I was going to.

How much longer? Just two more weeks, sweetpeas.

I love you. Please say it's all right.

Two more weeks?

I'll bring you... What can I bring you?

I don't know.

Mom, god, you don't have to bribe us.

It's okay. Oh, you're terrific.

You are two terrific girls.

I can't tell you how much I miss you.

Yeah, we miss you, too.

Where is my purse? Where...

Is this not what happens? I mean, do you ever know...

After a while, doing standup

starts to feel familiar, even routine.

First, it's the sweaty palm phase.

Followed by the "I can't do it, I'm nauseous, I'm going to throw-up phase."

Followed by "hey, I'm doing it."

Followed by,

"I am the most powerful person on the face of the earth!"

That phase is the best phase.

You know I've always secretly wanted someone to snatch this baby.

"Hey lady, hand over your purse".

Arnold Moss was here last night.

The spongy bog was there. Yuck.

He took me out to dinner, and when it was over

he ate the bill. What?

He took her to dinner and he ate the bill.

He did. Just kidding.

I swear to god.

The next baby-sitter we had was Mia.

She stir fries everything.

And she took us to an abortion rally

and we all dressed up as Sandra day o'Connor.

Mia has this theory that all girls are either Betty or Veronica.

Who will be my mystery date?

Turn the knob.

Oh, my god, I got the dud again.

I always get the dud. It's just a game.

Do you think mom dates?

She wouldn't. She would never.

Why don't you play mystery date with us?

I always get dream date, but if you don't mind.

Here I go.

I got him! I got him! I got dream date.

I don't believe it!

I'm so jealous. Eat your heart out.

If you always land on dream date,

then you must be Veronica.

Erica, Opal, this is a very important thing to understand.

Is it a life lesson? Definitely.

Veronica always gets the guy. Or whatever she wants.

And Betty always wants whatever Veronica gets.

I'm Veronica. I suppose that makes me Betty?

Oh, you might as well accept it.

You, my Erica, are a lover of misery.

It's my turn to go first.

Are you a Betty or a Veronica forever?

No. A Betty can grow up to be a Veronica.

Look at your mom.

Who wants tofu puffs?

Opal, get out of the way!

Oh, my god, it's still the commercial.

This is it. Please, god, make it be all right.

Our next guest, I think you're gonna like her,

is performing at the comedy shop in Los Angeles.

Let's welcome Dottie Ingels.

Please, god. I swear I'm gonna die.

I never met this man before in my life and am I thrilled.

James. I'm a big fan.

It's nice to have you on the show. It's nice to be here.

Actually, it's unbelievable to be here.

Less than a year ago I was working the makeup counter

at Macy's on Queens Boulevard. There I was selling makeup,

living in Ozone Park... You don't know where that is,

do you Gary? Not a clue, right? No.

Who does?

We do! We do!

There I was living with my aunt Harriet and my two girls,

Opal, Erica, if you're watching,

it's time to go to bed now.

Ahhh! Ahhh!

Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!

She's back. She's back. She's back. She's here.

Erica, she's here. Come on.

Mom! Mom!

Mom! Mom!

There's my cookies, I missed you.

Oh! Ho ho!

Oh, look at you. You look beautiful.

Mom, guess what, guess what? What? What?

I'm going to be one of the hollow men. You are!

Shawn, Lisa and I are gonna be all tied together in burlap

and Mrs. Fabricant is making us

look like dead people with no flesh.

Isn't that wonderful? Yes.

Look, what can I say, Claudia? If it takes more than a week,

it takes more than a week. But you have to call

and tell them that I'm not going

to be back in L.A. until next month.

Next month? You're going back to L.A. next month?

Claudia, can you hold on? I hate this call waiting.

I absolutely hate it.

Hello? Yes.

Ah, can you hold on for just one minute please? Thanks.

Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah! Shh, shh, sweetie.

Claudia, it's someone from Newsday.

They want to know what I think about women in comedy.

I'll call you right back.

Hello.

Well, I just got in from the coast.

Well, I've eaten my last Chinese chicken salad for a month...

Revolting. She was completely revolting.

And her dots were getting bigger.

Also, and this is really pathetic,

she lost the ability to be alone.

She took Claudia everywhere.

Claudia was like Tonto.

If you were a man,

would you think I had capped teeth?

Do you really? Four.

Really? Well, six actually.

I should say that I could never ever have gotten through

those earlier days as a performer

without Claudia Curtis.

She was more than an agent. She was a friend.

I saw you on television. You were great. Really?

Somebody has a fan.

Shhh. This is Opal's night.

Okay.

I can't find my tail.

Shawn, can't you go any faster?

I think I have to go to the bathroom.

Wait. She almost pulled us all down.

I think I have to go to the bathroom.

Well, just you forget it.

"What branches grow out of this stony rubbish?"

"Son of a man, you cannot say, or guess."

"We are the hollow men,"

we are the stuffed men, leaning together,

headpiece filled with straw.

Alas!

Over broken glass in our dried cellar.

Why were you laughing? Did I bomb?

Bomb? Oh, god, no.

You were just so dear, that's all.

You were great, Opal. To die.

Maybe I should sign you. You need an agent?

I'm waiting for Moss himself.

Don't hold your breath. Erica.

You were wonderful, sweetheart. Really. I mean that.

Keep the change.

Why does she always hold her breast like that?

What are you talking about?

Because she's afraid they might escape.

Suppose I do this commercial,

and for the rest of my life, I'm known as "miss country chicken".

If you were just going to be a chicken, I'd say don't touch it

with a 10-foot pole.

But this is much more about you than it is about chicken.

You know what I mean? I don't know.

Sweetheart, would you make your mother happy

and at least look like you're eating?

What we're talking about is visibility.

And money. I mean, who are we kidding?

I heard that if you even just have you hand in a commercial,

you can make a fortune. Like you can get rich just off your knee.

What's wrong, Erica? Nothing.

Can we come when you make the commercial, mom?

I don't know. Claudia, can they? Sure.

You really want to know what's wrong? Yes.

Last month, when my class did Franz Kafka night,

you didn't come. And now, you just

conveniently make it to Opal's performance.

Honey, last month I was in L.A., I couldn't have come.

You know I would have come if I could have.

We talked about it. Didn't we talk about it?

She wasn't even in the play. She was in the lighting booth.

Can I get you something else?

Well, fifth wheel time. Gotta run.

Got a late date with Mr. Much-too-crazy.

Call you tomorrow.

My girls. Look, I know this has been hard.

It's been hard, I know it.

I don't want to be in L.A.

Do you think I want to be away from you?

I love you so much.

But I can't just pick you up and pull you out of school

so you can go to some horrible hotel on Fountain Avenue.

You'd hate L.A. it's all swimming pools and valet parking.

Please, just bear with me.

Isn't this what we wanted, isn't it?

Sure.

Here.

This is my mother, as a chicken.

Buack!

This is me watching my mother as a chicken.

This is my mother leaving.

If you could be a chicken instead of a person

you'd want to be me!

Bauck, bauck, bauck, bauck bauck, bauck!

Miss chemical free.

You know aunt Harriet's bathrobe that looked like her bedspread?

Chenille. It's called Chenille.

Do you think that mom felt like a jerk dressed in all those feathers?

She didn't act like it.

Hey, girls, what do you think? An air conditioner.

Well, I'll be perfecting this in the other end of the apartment

if you need me.

You know, it really was not appropriate

for her bringing Claudia to your show.

After all, Claudia is not a relative

and that's really who should be at your child's performance.

Why can't mom be a regular mom the way she was before?

Mom was never a regular mom.

But she made flapjacks.

Regular moms don't make flapjacks,

they make pancakes.

And regular moms don't go off to Los Angeles

just as the most important thing in your life

is about to happen.

Hi, Jordan.

Hi.

So, what's it like having a famous mother?

She's not famous.

I saw her on HBO last week.

She's funny. She's really very funny.

Does she always wear those dots?

Why?

I... I don't know. I just was wondering.

Does she wear them to sleep?

She wears them everywhere.

My parents are endocrinologists.

Endocrinologists? Mn-hmm.

Doctors, right? Yeah. Yeah.

They study glands.

They're gland experts.

We saw the commercial last night right before the news.

How many times does it have to be on before we're rich?

About two million. Well, it was great.

Thanks, honey. How did Erica like it?

I can't remember. I'm sure she liked it.

Mom, you won't believe this,

but Erica thinking of changing her name.

I wanted to change my name too, when I was her age.

I wanted to be called Debi with an "I".

Mom, she's not changing her first name.

Oh. Oh, really. Well, where is your sister?

Can I speak to her while her last name is still Ingels?

She's not home yet. Every single day she walks home with that creep.

And do you know how long it takes her?

Three hours. Maybe Erica's in love.

Oh, please. Please, don't make me sick.

You haven't even seen him. He looks like a pole.

You mean a Polish person? No, a flag pole.

I'd rather be fried in oil than kiss Jordan strang.

Is he at least nice? He has to be.

What else does he have going for him?

This is my favorite part.

Ow.

Do you want to?

Have you... Have you ever done it?

No.

Do you have something?

Uh!

Ah.

Ow.

Ah.

It's over.

It is?

Oh, my god.

Who is it? My mother.

Ah... hurry up.

Your mother?!

Jordan, are you home?

I got to get out of here

oh, my god, she's never home this early.

Jordon?

Oh, god, this isn't happening.

Please, Erica, hurry. Get dressed.

What do you think I'm doing?

Jordan!

Oh, hello.

And who is this?

This is Erica, mom. Hello, Erica.

Hello. Nice to meet you.

W... I...

Would you kids like something to eat?

How about a nice cup of cocoa?

No... no.

Uh, I was just leaving. I have to get home.

Your mother's probably expecting you, I imagine.

No, she's away. And your father?

He lives somewhere else.

Why don't you two come and talk to me for a minute, will you?

I'm so glad I came home early.

Two appointments cancelled back to back.

Oh, Jordan, we have a wonderful letter from aunt Judith.

They apparently have gone back to that dude ranch in Wyoming,

and they enclosed a photo of bernice trying to lasso a horse.

Ha ha ha! It looked like fun, actually.

My aching dogs.

Ooh! I wonder why they call them dogs?

That's the kind of thing Jordan always seems to know.

I do not.

Ah... Erica,

perhaps your mother has spoken to you about this,

but since she's away... I'd like to offer you

a bit of unsolicited advice, if I may.

Oh, no, not this.

I'm just going to run through a few basics,

perhaps remind you of a few things.

You recognize these, I bet...

Your ovaries.

But the very tricky thing about ovaries

is that when you're a teenage girl and perhaps

a teeny tiny bit irregular, hmm?

You just never know when one of these is going to kick in

and release that little egg, sending it off on its journey

where it could get into a heap of trouble.

Erica! Erica! Leave me alone, Opal.

You've been in there all night. Don't you want to do something?

Don't you want to hyperventilate or something?

Go away.

Sylvia, darling. I'm opening at the trop.

The tropicana?

Look at me, eight months ago

I thought it was a juice. Ha-ha! She thought...

Now, I not only know that it's a hotel in Las Vegas,

but I refer to it only by its nickname.

Ha ha! You're wonderful. So you're gonna be there

the 29th - 31st of this month...

She never said anything about changing her hair.

Do you like it? I don't know.

Erica, come see mom's hair. It's different.

You're fabulous. You're wonderful.

On the buses I'm sure people will stop you and go "bauck".

I do, I get a lot of, "baulk, baulk". I do, I get...

However, shortly after that commercial, my older daughter

decided she wanted to change her last name.

Oh no, that's horrible. How does that make you feel?

Well, not that I felt rejected or anything...

I mean if she wants to call herself Schnertle instead of Ingels...

Ha ha ha... What did you think?

Erica, I'm watching. You told her, didn't you?

Take it easy, Erica. It's just a joke.

Ha ha ha!

Artists always use things from their lives, Erica.

Shut up, Opal. Just shut up!

I was playing Las Vegas.

Me, I was up there in lights.

Like, Sinatra,

and "starring "englebert humperdink"

and "all you can eat for 3.99".

I love Las Vegas.

Jordan says Las Vegas is a place

where people with empty lives and no values go to have fun.

It's a moral desert, and we were there.

I see her! I see her! Who doesn't?

Opal, Erica. Hello, sweethearts.

I'm never speaking to you again.

Honey, honey, you're going the wrong way. It's this way.

Are you planning on telling me what this is about?

What is this about? Schnertle.

How dare you! How dare you use things that you know about me

in public. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You can't imagine what it's like on these shows.

There's nothing in your head, you have to say something,

then this thing pops out.

Dottie, we were at the 10:00 show last night...

You were terrific!

Could we have your autograph? Well, of course.

You could of at least had the decency to wait until I'm dead.

We'll talk about this in a second.

Oh, I don't have a pen.

I have a pen. What are your names?

My name is Dawna. She's Charlene.

Hi, Charlene. D-a-w-n-a.

Do you like this? People just come up to you and don't even knock?

Could you get a picture of us?

Oh, my pleasure. All right.

Okay, one, two, three... Cheese!

Thank you so much. Come back and see me.

Erica, that's enough! Erica!

I have to use my life to make things up.

That's what comedians do, you know that.

Your life, but not mine. I'm sorry.

It's just that our lives are all tangled up together.

Come on.

So many wonderful things are happening for me right now,

it has to be okay with you.

What wonderful things?

Just everything.

This is us.

Lifestyles of the rich and famous!

Well, I'm not quite rich and not quite famous,

but look where we are! Thank you.

Welcome to lifestyles

of the not quite rich and not quite famous.

Today we are visiting Opal and Erica Ingels.

Although I am not sure we're going to be able

to visit with Erica Ingels because she is into privacy.

Oh, all right.

That's my mom!

Here we are.

Phil, can you put those in my room

and the bags in the girls' room, please?

How did you get roses? And you know the best thing?

After these die, boom, new ones. Immediately.

Anything you want. Read ones, pink ones...

Silver ones? Silver ones, too.

A parlor?

- You see that? - Yeah.

That's the main spot. My spot.

It happens to be the only one that I know how to operate.

Hey, Billy. Hi. These are my girls.

This is Erica and this is...

Veronica. Veronica Lodge.

And I'm Archie Andrews.

So, Veronica, you win any money yet?

I'm too young.

Mmm, well you want to come for a spin?

I'll show you the sights.

Who here is in love?

Let me see some hands. Anybody in love here?

Oh, quite a few. A very lucky bunch.

I used to have a problem with love.

I mean, I believed in love between a mother and a child,

between a man and his car...

But this other kind of love I...

You know there are times when you really are in love

and you're almost completely deranged.

You're sure that people can tell just by looking at you,

because you cannot stop smiling.

A horrible car accident happens right in front of your eyes.

Twenty-three people get whiplash.

You wake up in the middle of the night.

Something nice happened. What was it?

Right. It was love.

And then he let me wear his hat,

and it was so amazing,

because when mom was talking about love,

I felt like it was totally about me.

It was everything I was feeling and she was just saying it.

It was like a deja vu.

That's not what deja vu is.

I couldn't believe all that stuff.

She doesn't believe in love.

On top of everything else, she's become a giant fake.

Then I had to give the hat back.

I don't know if I'm ever gonna see him again.

Oh god, Erica, is this what my life's gonna be like?

Are you sure this is okay?

Shhh! Let me just see if they're asleep.

Give me the glass.

What's happening?

They're going into the bedroom.

What are you doing? Shhh!

How old would you say he was?

Twenty-something at the most.

This is just revolting.

How do you think I feel?

Mind if we join you?

Here's your breakfast, girls.

How do you two do at the tables last night? Win a bundle?

What would you say if I told you our mother

was sleeping with somebody totally inappropriate?

That's the only type I ever sleep with.

We know.

Here's your coffee.

Some who is completely the wrong age.

We're talking parent-child here.

Good morning, everyone.

Something happening?

What's the matter, sweetie. What happened?

I was just talking with your wonderful girls here and I'm afraid

we're gonna have to tell them what's been going on.

Just put everything on the table.

Opal thinks you're involved with someone who's wrong for you.

Inappropriate. Really?

Now, I have a lot of experience.

That's what happens when you're as old as I am.

And I happen to know that children

whose parents are divorced always have a rough time

with the idea that their mother is with someone new

because somewhere they have this fantasy

that their father is coming back.

I don't have any fantasies about my father.

I don't even remember my father.

I don't even remember one single thing about my father.

Well, believe me sweetheart, the fantasy is there.

This isn't about our father. This is about mom sleeping with

someone young enough who's young enough to be Opal's boyfriend.

I'm sleeping with him. With "the Moss"?

You're sleeping with "the Moss"?

"The Moss"?

What about Claudia? What about me?

You're in love with "the Moss".

What on earth gave you that idea?

You said so. You said you were hung up

on some crazy fat guy who was about 20 years older than you.

I'm not 20 years older than her.

That just about describes just about every guy I go out with.

When you're my age, honey, that's all there is.

What about the hat? What hat?

The baseball hat. The mets hat.

The lighting guy gave that to me. That's for you.

It's mine. Yes.

He gave it to me? Billy gave it to me?

I can't believe that's what you're thinking about at a time like this.

At a time like what? Are you in love?

Don't you realize that all she wanted was to have us

as far away as possible so she could just carry on with him?

Suppose they get married and he adopts us?

Could he do that?

They could do anything they want.

Our last name would be Moss.

I'd be Opal Moss.

We'd all be "the Moss".

Dad has to stop this from happening. Dad?

He doesn't care about us.

Do you think he wants someone else to adopt us?

If Arnold Moss adopts us, you know what will happen?

She'll go away on business trips,

and guess who we'll be living with?

The Moss? Duh.

We've got to tell dad.

How are we gonna find him?

The amazing thing was that mom was right, for once.

Everyone in the world is two phone calls away

from everyone else in the world. First I called Ruby.

Ruby, hi. This is Erica.

Fine. She's fine.

Ruby, didn't you tell us once

that you knew a private detective?

Well, I'm doing this project for school, and...

And then I called this private detective on west 53rd street.

Yes, this is Erica Ingels. I'd like to make an appointment.

It's about a missing persons case.

Could it be a little later, after 3:15?

That's fine. Thanks. Does he take visa?

Miss, do you know where he used to work?

No.

Did you bring me a photograph of him?

We don't have one.

He hated carpeting.

Muchas gracias.

How did he find him? I don't know.

Credit cards or something.

It was so easy. It was just like he's been in the lost and found,

only he hasn't. He's been in Albany.

You're just going to go live in Albany?

Just like that? I'm not sure.

She's not really a suitable mother.

I mean, I'm already practically grown up,

but what about Opal? She still needs a parent.

Maybe he's worse than your mom. Maybe he drinks.

Maybe he's a maniac.

Maybe you're gonna have to sleep on the couch.

Erica, maybe the hell you know

is better than the one you don't.

What about us?

"Lifestyles of the rich and famous".

- Very rich. - Lifestyles.

Mom's in love. Guess who with?

I haven't a clue. Arnold Moss.

Your mother does not mess around.

It's so disgusting.

No, listen, Opal. I think that's very nice

that your mother's having a relationship.

Sex. She's having sex.

Yes, well, I guess that's part of it, but it's not all of it.

I mean, it couldn't possibly be, I mean, not with the Moss.

I'm sorry. Oh, god, I'm sorry.

I should not be laughing at your tragedy.

Do you do it? What?

Have sex? Oh, yes, sure.

Do you. Sure.

You know, your mother will probably

be on this show some day. If she's sleeping with the Moss,

she's headed straight for the top.

You're right. We'll probably never see her again

unless she's on television. Or unless she can manage

to combine being home with being on television.

Welcome to lifestyles of the almost rich, nearly famous

and never home.

Tonight, we travel the subway to the West Side of Manhattan

to visit the apartment of comedian Dottie Ingels.

This is Martin the doorman,

whose cousin painted Dottie Ingels' walls

that she almost never sees.

Martin, tell me, how often would you say

the almost rich, nearly famous and never home Dottie Ingels

is actually in residence? Is it fair to say never?

We'll take that shrug to mean almost never,

because on this cloudy day in may

when lifestyles of the almost rich, nearly famous and never home

decided to visit comedian Dottie Ingels,

she agreed for once to be there, since her appearance

will be on television and will possibly further her career.

Dottie and I sat in her bedroom

amidst the dots she is nearly famous for and talked.

Dottie, tell me,

where do you get your material?

All artists use things from their lives, Robin,

and I am no exception. No siree.

For instance, my aunt, who saved me and my two girls,

or is it boys?

No, I believe I have girls. And, what are their names?

Oh, never mind, it'll come to me.

My aunt, who saved me from starvation and poverty died

and the next thing you know, she was a joke in my act.

My daughter got all upset

and the first chance I had, I blabbed it on television.

I used people up and I spit them out.

Now I am sleeping with a very important person

and pretending to be in love. I mean, what, I ask you,

what is the point of love if it can't get you somewhere?

But that's another story.

Oh, there are my two girls now. Oh, at least I think it's them.

Erica, don't chew your hair. Opal, you're perfect.

Open your ears, close your eyes, are you paying attention?

This is a life lesson. Everything is material.

I'll be back in 20 years.

Think of it as an adventure, girls.

Mia, Lynn... If you'll excuse us.

You ungrateful, selfish...

Bitch! You shut your mouth, Erica.

No!

This is the first time

that I've been away from you in your entire life!

Don't I ever get a turn? Isn't it ever okay for me to have a life?

You know, I really don't understand this.

When I was unhappy, my daughters were happy.

How that I'm happy, you're miserable.

Is that fair? Is it?

I'm not talking with him in the room.

He's with me. Oh, so you're choosing between us?

My dad would really love this if he knew about it.

Your dad? If you're so unhappy,

why don't you go live with your dad?

Maybe I will. Good.

Oh, right, I forgot. You don't know where he is.

And I don't know where he is.

Could that be because he doesn't give a damn about any of us?!

No! Of course not! Just because he couldn't stand you

doesn't mean he doesn't care about what happens to us.

You shut up! I hate you!

Excuse me, I have homework.

On the weekend?

I have homework every weekend, but you wouldn't know.

What do they expect me to do?

Do they want me to go back to the cosmetics counter?

Do you want me to sell cosmetics forever, is that what you want?

Get out! Just get out!

All right!

Who was I suppose to leave them with?

Other people have husbands, relatives, somebody.

Who was I suppose to leave you with anyway?

You solve this problem! You tell me, all right!

Fishka fishka foon, fishka fishka foon...

Erica, I don't have anyone!

I don't have anyone to help me!

She really doesn't.

Sorry, Erica.

Fishka fishka foon, fishka fishka foon,

fishka fishka foon.

Opening on West End Avenue, a revival of flapjacks.

Come on. Hey, come on, we can talk.

Opal, sweetheart?

Erica?

Erica?

Erica?

Hi, you been waiting long? No.

Oh, that's good, because I've got the TV going and the vacuum,

I didn't hear a damn thing.

What are you selling? I'm always looking.

I'm Erica Ingels. This is Opal.

Oh, then you must be relatives of Norm's.

I'm his wife, Martha. We're his children.

You don't say.

I do believe that he mentioned he had kids once upon a time.

Well, come on in. Won't norm be surprised.

Norm? Hi. I've got a big surprise for you.

Your girls are here.

Erica and Opal.

No kidding.

Okay.

He was real surprised. He'll be here in two shakes.

What does he do?

Oh, dear. You don't even know what he does?

He's a middleman, and to tell the truth,

I don't know exactly what that is,

except it does have something to do with fruit.

You mean he gets a bunch of apples from some place and gets them to a&p?

Maybe. He told me a couple of times,

but it just flew right out of my head.

Hon, just the other day. I was reading this article

in people magazine about that man who murdered his entire family

including the grandma 18 years ago, then he went off,

got married again. And his new wife had absolutely no idea.

I said to myself, Martha, that could be you.

You don't know the least little thing about norm,

and what he tells you, you forget.

You want some lemonade?

No, thank you. Yes, thanks.

Look. What?

They have carpeting.

I never should have said anything to you about carpeting.

You're obsessed with carpeting.

I called all their friends.

I called the baby-sitters.

Should I call the police? They're going to be back.

I promise you they're going to be back.

Sit tight. The phone is gonna ring.

It's not ringing.

Come here and sit next to me.

We'll wait.

I'm a terrible person.

They love you.

People love terrible people all the time.

That's true. Someone was married to Paul Pot.

Erica was right.

I really didn't think about them.

I mean, I did think about them.

In the beginning I thought about them all the time.

I spent 16 years doing nothing but thinking about them

and now I spent three months thinking about myself

and I feel like I murdered them.

You had to travel, it's part of work.

Look, your kids are happy when their mother is happy.

No, they're not. Everyone says that, but it's not true.

Kids are happy if you're there. You give kids a choice,

your mother in the next room on the verge of suicide

versus your mother in Hawaii in ecstasy,

they choose suicide in the next room, believe me.

Did you ever see it's a wonderful life?

Sure.

It's about this guy who has dreams, he wants to travel,

he wants to build Bridges, but in the end we're supposed

to believe that he's better off because he never did any of it?

Now, that's all crap. It's crap.

I love that movie. Well, it's total crap.

That's not what that movie is saying.

It's saying if a person stays home,

they can make an enormous difference in the people's lives

who are near to them.

If it weren't for Jimmy Stewart, his brother would have died.

The pharmacist would have gone to jail,

his children...

He never ever would have had his children.

His children never would have been born.

What pharmacist?

There's a pharmacist.

I don't remember any pharmacist.

What am I going to do?

Did, ah, something happen to your mother?

She's a comedian.

But is she all right? Is she sick or anything?

No. She's never home. We never see her.

Well, where is she? She's home.

With "the Moss".

Oh, I've heard of that.

Once you get it, you can never get rid of it.

She might get married.

How nice.

She's getting married. And she's a comedian.

She's a comedian?

Yes.

People pay money to see her? That's funny.

What's so funny about it?

She's been on television. She's been in Las Vegas.

I don't see what's so funny about it.

Look, I'm not surprised that Dottie's run off

to be in show business. That's all she cared about.

That's not all she cared about. That's not fair.

She didn't run off.

She didn't even try to become a comedian

until aunt Harriet died and she finally had enough money

on top of what she needed for all of us.

Your mother and I don't get along.

I remember.

I don't. I mean, I tried,

but I just don't remember anything, except when you left,

you said we were going to be fidgety like mom.

Oh, my god. I just remembered something.

It just popped out.

Don't you remember it, you were there.

Norm, they came all the way to Albany to see you.

I think we should go now.

No. Stay. I'll make you some egg salad sandwiches,

and then we'll put you on the bus.

The train. The train.

It's gate 12.

You're all set?

Is there any diabetes? Where?

Anywhere? I don't think so.

Although, it's possible my...

No, no, that was some other thing.

Do you need some money? Do you want our address?

Here's a 20.

Sure. Great. I'd like your address.

Does anyone have anything to write with?

Mom. Mom always has something to write with.

Look, uh, you girls better get on the train.

You have my address, so send me yours.

Just, uh, stick it in the mail.

Okay.

Well...

Keep in touch.

He never said we were going to be fidgety like mom.

He did, too.

He said we were going to be frigid like mom.

Oh. What does that mean?

Cold.

Mom's not cold.

In bed. Cold in bed.

Do you think mom's cold in bed.

With him, probably. Who wouldn't be.

Look, it's mom, Erica! Here! Here I am!

Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

I'm here! Oh, Erica! Oh!

Oh, mom, I love you so much.

I love you! I love you!

It was my fault. No, no, no, it was my fault.

I love you!

Mom, guess who we saw on the train?

What did you see, sweetheart?

A man in a hairnet. You did? Sweetheart.

I know, sweetheart. The longest day of my life.

How did you know which train we'd be on?

Norm's wife called me. Martha called you.

Well, she didn't tell me her name.

She just said she was Norm's wife.

She was nice. Nicer than him.

So we made up. And mom, for once,

didn't mention life lessons

the one time there probably was one.

I don't know how to explain what happened to me.

It was like I was shot into orbit.

The air was thinner. I lost my mind.

And you know, I wish more than anything,

that someday, the same thing happens to you.

Only I hope it happens before you have children.

Afterwards, it's complicated. It's very complicated.

I was away too much. I'm not going to be away so much anymore, okay?

Okay.

Promise? Yes. Yes, I do.

But if something great comes up?

I'll do it. We'll work it out.

Somehow we're going to work this out.

How? I have no idea.

Couldn't you do a TV show?

Then you could stay at home.

Yeah, sure. Yeah. No, really. I mean it.

Well, it's possible.

It could be about a woman

who works at a makeup counter in Queens.

Yeah. Absolutely.

A single mother and her two kids.

Only they're not you. Absolutely not.

Right. I mean, they don't even have to be girls.

They could be boys. Boys?

Oh, we don't want to be boys.

No? All right, well then, they're girls, they're girls.

You can pick their names. What do you want to be called?

Felice. Are you serious?

Okay, Chenille. Chenille? Oh, great.

I have a younger daughter named Chenille.

Veronica.

Oh, sweetheart. That's who you are.

What about the Moss?

Maybe you'll get to like the Moss. He grows on you.

What about the dots?