All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s02e11 Maxines Dad.eng

The Carmichael Show is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

Maxine... can you believe Whole Foods

tried to get me to buy a reusable bag?

Why's everybody pretending to care

about the environment right now?

You cannot realistically
care about the future

of your great-great-grandchildren.

(sighs) Look, Jerrod, my dad
is in town for only 48 hours.

So, just dinner tonight,
graduation tomorrow, that's it.

So, I just really want this to go well.

He has unreasonably high standards.

So why am I looking at a bottle
of wine with a screw off top?

Because screw tops are in right now.

Don't you listen to NPR?

I just want my dad to like you.

Don't worry. Just relax.

He's gonna like me.
He's gonna love me, actually.

You know, I can charm rich
people really easily,

'cause all you got to do is
bring up the play Hamilton.

Seriously,

rich people love that. I don't know

if the Illuminati is real,
but if so, "Hamilton"

is definitely the password
to get into their meetings.

Look, I think it's gonna take
a little bit more than Hamilton

to impress my dad.
He is impossible to please.

You know, all through
school I got straight A's

until the tenth grade...
I got my first B

- and he took away my car for a month.
- Whoa, whoa.

You had a car in tenth grade?

- It was used.
- Okay,

make and model, right now. And
I'm making eye contact with you,

so don't lie to me.

It was a BMW 325.

- You were such an abused child, Maxine.
- (knocking)

Oh, my God,

they should make a sequel to Precious

based off your life.

We should tell Syrian
refugees your story

so they won't want to
come here anymore.

Okay, just open the door.

Okay, one more.
You're the American Malala.

Maxine, is your rich daddy here yet?

- How are you, sweetie?
- Uh...

I want to ask him how much money
he got, 'cause I'm curious.

- Don't do that.
- No, I'm gonna do it.

No, no. As a reminder,

rich people don't like being
called rich to their face.

That's why we came up with
the term upper middle class.

(chuckles) Now, Maxine, we know
that your dad is gonna probably

give you a big, fancy graduation gift.

But we didn't want to
compete with that,

so I decided to give you

three sincere hugs.

Here's the first one.

Oh.

Oh, God, that feels so good.

Ooh! Yes, I know.

That's why I don't go around
just giving those things out.

That was from me, too.

Hey, y'all.

We are ready for our free steak dinner.

Again, Bobby, the dinner's not free.

I'm paying for it.

Well, Jerrod, look, just a heads-up.
I'm gonna

do that thing where I go grab my
wallet and say, "Oh, man, no...

you got it last time. Allow me."

But just know that's
just a empty gesture

I do in front of company.

Do not take me up on that offer.

So, I know Jerrod said that
we can't ask how much money

your rich daddy got,
but, um, what does he do?

Uh, he's in commercial real estate.

Commercial real estate?

Ooh, la, la.

Wait, is your mom coming, Maxine?

Well, if my memory serves me correctly,

Maxine's mom is bogged down

in booze and-and pills

and refuses to be in a
room with Maxine's dad

since the divorce.

Did I get it right?

Is that's why she's not here?

Did I get it right?

Yeah, pretty much.

Hey, honey, good memory.

Yeah, that multi-vitamin
is just paying for itself.

Okay, um, I'm gonna go
finish getting ready.

But don't let that stop you

from talking about my
dysfunctional family.

Okay.

You know, her cousin is
in jail on a hit and run.

Look... Look, all right?

This dinner is really
important to Maxine,

so when we get to the
restaurant don't talk about

how expensive the menu is,

and nobody's gonna split
a steak to save money,

and nobody is gonna order a
red wine with Coke in it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look here, Jerrod,
it's called a Calimocho

and they drink it in Spain.

Yeah.

You think you better than
the Spanish, Jerrod? Huh?

Yes.

I don't like this special effort

we're having to give this
man just because he's rich.

Well, of course rich people
get special treatment.

They earned it. Shoot, if I'm driving

and somebody cuts me off
in traffic in a Mercedes,

I don't even get mad.

I just say to myself
that is a Mercedes man

and he's probably got
Mercedes things to do.

Go on with your day.

But, now...

say you cut me off in
traffic driving a Civic,

well, I'm gonna lay on
the horn, and I will

threaten you with some violence.

Why you going in a hurry
in your damn Civic?!

You ain't got no place to be.

(knocking)

Oh, he's here.

Oh, I'm gonna say
"charmed" when I meet him.

Rich people love to say "charmed"

when they greet each other.

(chuckles) Hi, Dad.

Charmed.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

I'm sorry I'm a little late.

They tried to force a Prius
on me at the car rental place.

If I wanted a golf cart,
I would've asked for one.

Oh, that's okay. Uh, this
is my boyfriend, Jerrod.

Hey.

- You're white.
- Uh...

Yeah. Yeah, I really lucked out there.

Now, Maxine, I've been making
jokes about your daddy

all this time 'cause I figured
he was the black one.

You never hear about white
men marrying black women,

except for, um...

that Robert De Niro and Ebert.

George Lucas.

- Oh, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Wait, do you have to
have a billion dollars

to be white and marry a black woman?

- Oh, my God.
- Okay, Mr. North,

Hamilton... let's talk about it.

Hamilton, the, uh, play?
That's an odd thing

- to just randomly bring up.
- Yeah, yeah, but you saw it, right?

What did you think? You like it?

It was the most incredible
experience of my life.

I sat right next to
Josh Groban all night

as tears went down his face.

See, Maxine?
Everything's gonna be great.

(can cracks open)

Maxine's dad,

can I interest you in a Calimocho?

?

?

Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

So, uh, Grant.
Commercial real estate, huh?

That's right.

I'm in the moving business,

so there's a little bit of
crossover there, you know.

(clears throat) See, I move
furniture into buildings,

and you sell those buildings.

So, how much money you really got?

Dad! No.

Cynthia, uh, Maxine has
told me a lot about you.

Has she?

Well, I have plenty to
say about her, too.

- Um... uh, Dad, do you want some wine?
- Sure.

Grant, tell us something
embarrassing about Maxine

so we can tease her.

Well, let's see.
Uh, when she was young she, uh,

sucked her thumb. Only way
we could get her to stop

was to tell her someone
was gonna cut it off

with big, sharp scissors. (chuckles)

You know, like...

in the... the nursery rhyme.

What the hell nursery rhyme is that?

It's German. They used to read
it to us in the foster home.

I like you.

Yeah, the Germans really know

how to get a point across, huh?

Maxine, listen, I-I can't
wait until tomorrow

to give you your graduation gift.
You got to open it now.

Is it a ticket to go around the world?

'Cause I'd love to see Maxine
take a trip around the world.

Wait, you got me a job interview?

To be the psychologist at a
prestigious private school

in Charlotte. It's a good
job for a starter city.

Truth be told, the interview's

just a formality. The job
is already yours, honey.

- Congratulations.
- Oh...

- Happy graduation.
- Uh, well,

I appreciate what you're
trying to do here, Dad,

but, um, I already have a job lined up.

I'm gonna be a county social worker.

Ugh, county?

GRANT: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

that-that sounds like
community service.

Did you get a DUI?
Why didn't you call me?

You know I can get those things erased.

Uh, thank you, but I-I'm
gonna be a social worker.

Maxine, now, I'm sure there
were a lot of people

who were way more qualified than you

that your daddy had to
bump out of the way

in order for you to get this job.

And I think it's a little
inconsiderate for you

not to step on they heads
on your way up to the top.

Well, that's not the job that I want.

Hon, I didn't pay for
seven years of college

for you to go into social work.

Maxine, you went to college for
seven years just to explain

how to use a EBT card
to single mothers?

It's just like a debit card.
It's not that hard.

Whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on.

Just because Maxine is taking
a potentially dangerous job

with the county and passing
up on a maybe lucrative job

that's high-paying... is it...
It is high-paying, right?

Well, it starts at $70,000.

Starts? Good gracious.

Uh, just because she's
turning that down

doesn't mean it's a bad decision.

I support you, Maxine, no matter what.

You know, one of the hardest
things a parent has to do

is to smile as they
watch their children

make terrible mistakes.

Go ahead,

smile.

You're not smiling.

I'm sorry, but is your family

gonna comment on everything we say?

No, we're just gonna sit here

and politely mind our own business.

Look, Dad, thank you

so much for paying for my education.

But just because I'm grateful

doesn't mean I owe you.

Oh, yes, you do.

You are an investment, okay?

I spent time and money on you.
I expect you to capitalize

on the opportunities I provide.

It's called love, sweetheart.

Dad, I don't just want to help
rich private school kids.

I want to help people
in the real world.

You don't live in the real world.

You live in a protected bubble
that I created for you.

I'm gonna be very disappointed
if you turn this job down.

Why does your love always
have to have conditions?

Conditional love is what
drives people to succeed.

Why do you think I'm a success?

It's because my father withheld

as much love as humanly possible.

I had to earn it.

Do you think I would have
bought that bastard a house

if he just loved me no matter what?

Well, the Carmichaels love
their sons unconditionally.

Well, hold on, now, hold on.

I think Grant is onto something here.

Boys, you're both unlovable... now,
go out and make a bunch of money

and buy me a big house.

GRANT: How do you intend

to earn a living as a social worker?

Not everything is about money.

Well, that's easy for you to say

when I've been paying your
bills your whole life.

Maybe it's time for that to stop.

Let you and your live-in boyfriend

figure out what the real world costs.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, now, you-you know
what I think, Grant?

I think that we're
saying a lot of things

we don't mean because we're hungry.

Let's just go to the restaurant,

get a couple steaks in that belly,

then we'll decide who
pays what bill later.

You know what, Dad?

Keep your money.
I'm making my own decisions now,

and I don't need you and your
judgment hanging over my head.

Really? So then I guess you
won't need this, right?

This is a $10,000 check

for your final school payment.

Now, I get that you
want to be independent,

but you are not ready.

No.

I'm ready.

(gasping)

Oh. I wasn't ready.

And you know what,

if you're not gonna support
me and my decisions,

I don't see any reason
for you to even be here.

Really? Well, then I...

guess there's not
anything else to talk about.

I guess not.

(sighs heavily)

Good luck on your graduation tomorrow.

Come here, sweetie.

Oh, come on.

Only one more to go.

I can't believe I tore
up a $10,000 check.

And that I stood up to my dad.

Yeah, that was, uh...
that was something, Maxine.

What?

What's so bad about being a
therapist at a private school?

I mean, think about, like,

all the rich people
that need help, too.

Think about Kim Kardashian, Khloe,

uh, K... uh,

Kourtney...

Rob.

Then you move on to your Jenners...

you got your Kylies, your Kendalls...

- Actually, Kendall's fine.
- You're right,

Kendall is fine.

Look, I know that this is hard...

but I'm 28 years old and I
have never made one decision

without worrying about
what my dad thinks.

And it feels kind of amazing.

Yes, all of that. But also,

I don't have an extra $10,000.

Well, I don't expect
you to pay for this.

I'm-I'm gonna get, like, a night job.

Maxine, if a night job could
get you a quick ten grand,

then the whole one percent

would be made up entirely
of Waffle House employees.

Yeah, I could work at Waffle House.

I mean, I'm... I'm pleasant.

And I, uh...

and I could wear my hair
up in a little knot,

and I can call people "hon."

Yeah, you know, I'm gonna go
check their job listings.

Maxine, it'll never work...
your teeth are too nice.

(knocking)

Oh, my God, Grant, thank God
you're back in our lives.

I'm gonna go get Maxine.

No, no, no, no. I-I really wanted

to talk to you for a second.

Would you mind stepping
out in the hall with me?

Okay.

(sighs)

Look, you-you seem like
a logical young man.

You guys clearly need the money.

Yeah, yeah, but we'll
find a way, Grant.

How? Seriously, you have no means,

you didn't go to college,
you live in an apartment...

whatever money you do have is
clearly going to your shoes.

Thank you.

Yeah. So...

here's what I want to do.

I'm gonna make you out a check,

and you cover that bill for Maxine,

because right now she's
just being so stubborn

that she doesn't know what
I'm doing is for the best.

But look, Maxine's made it pretty clear

that we can't take the money.

She's made her decision,
and I support her.

Okay, Jerrod,

but when you realize that that
high horse that you're riding

doesn't pay anything,
come to my hotel room...

I'll give you the money.

And just know that this offer expires

when I leave town tomorrow morning.

Damn. It's like a scene from Chinatown.

Hey, y'all.

All right, so get this.

Grant came back to the house,
and then he offered me $10,000,

but he said if I want it,
I got to go by his hotel room.

Well, you're a good-lookin' boy.

NEKEISHA: I don't know,

I think it's kind of weird
that he would want to sleep

with his daughter's boyfriend,
but, you know...

rich people want what they want
and they gets what they get.

- That is not what's happening, Nekeisha.
- Mm-hmm.

Does Maxine know about this?

No, I haven't told her.

If she knew, she'd be really upset.

I think maybe we should take
the money for her own good.

Jerrod, do not take a
dime of that man's money.

He wants something from you.
He was trying to buy Maxine.

Now he's trying to buy you, too.

Well, what's so bad about that?

Is, uh,

doing something you don't
want to do just for a check

considered being bought? Because if so,

I'm being bought every other Thursday.

I'm doing a job I can't
stand, working for a boss

I don't like, yet every
time I cash that check,

I never heard you say...
(like Cynthia): "Your principles

are worth more than that, Joe."

See, Bobby can't be bought.

Well, good for you, son.

Now, Bobby can be leased.

Yeah.

For $10,000, man,
I'll do whatever you want.

But just for a limited time.

I'm like a Shamrock Shake.

I'm trying to think of something
I wouldn't do for $10,000.

I want to say betray my country,

but $10,000!

Whoo!

Maybe I'm looking too far
into this whole thing.

Maybe he really just wants
to help his daughter,

and that's the end of it.

Think about it, Jerrod,

why would he be offering you the money

when he can just send it
directly to the school?

It's a test. It's a power play.

That man is like a
villain in a soap opera,

and I have seen enough Erica Kane

to know when something is loaded!

Now, if you go and get that money,

then you owe him.

Now, you think you can live with that?

Listen to me, son.

There's only a few times in
life when someone shows up

and has an immediate cure
to all of your money problems.

Do the right thing.

- Sell your soul.
- (gasps)

Jerrod. I had a feeling
I might be seeing you.

What do you want from me, Grant?

I really just want what's
best for my daughter.

Yeah, yeah, but you're not
giving her the money,

you're trying to give me the money.

So if I take it...

what do you want in return?

I want you to... kill my ex-wife.

Really?

Oh, my God, are you willing to do that?

N-No, but... I could make a few calls.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No.

N-Nobody's killing anyone. I-I...

Well, what's all of this about?

- Is this a test or something?
- (sighs)

You know, I have never
had this much trouble

giving away $10,000.

What is going on?

Jerrod, I thought you would
be the clearheaded one,

but you are just as confused as she is.

Why is everybody determined

- to defy me?
- Because we're

our own people, Grant.
I feel like this is

the first time you haven't been
able to buy whatever you want.

(sighs) I'm just... I'm confused

about Maxine.

She used to...

value my opinion and-and...

seek out my guidance.

Grant,

a person that you can
buy and tell what to do

isn't the same person you respect.

And for the first time in her life,

Maxine realizes she
doesn't just want your money,

she wants your respect.

Okay, okay, I get it.

She's an adult, and she wants
to be seen as an equal.

And one day, if she makes it
on her own two feet, uh...

maybe I can get there.

That's all she's asking for.

Well... I'm really glad we talked.

- Yeah.
- And you know what?

If my daughter has to spend the
rest of her life with somebody,

she could do a lot worse
than you, my friend.

(chuckles): Now, now...
hold on there, Grant.

Uh, Maxine is the one
that needs your respect.

I don't really care what you
think about me. I mean,

we just met, you live out of town,

you're not even coming
to the graduation,

so what's your respect gonna do for me?

Thanks for the check, Grant.

What are you doing here?

Look, Maxine, I came to get
the money from your dad.

I sold my integrity so
you could keep yours.

Oh, thank God.

Maxine, Cynthia and I didn't
want to give you money,

what with how it makes you
go crazy and all, so...

here. (clears throat)

Now, I know you're about
to take that county job,

so we got you some Mace,

a rape whistle,

and some brass knuckles.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know,

they can really deescalate a situation.

Yeah, especially if that
situation happens in 1975.

(laughs) Thank you, Joe.

Here, Maxine. You're gonna like my gift

way better.

It's a half ounce of weed,
but don't weigh it.

Thank you, Nekeisha.

Here, Maxine.

Okay.

"World's Greatest Graduate."

- Oh, thank you, Bobby.
- Because, you know,

you just graduated, so...

And I think you're the greatest...

so I got you a cup that says
"World's Greatest Graduate."

Come on.

Wow.

Well,

having you guys all there
today, and, um, this party...

I've just never had
that kind of support,

and I just...

Shh...

Come on.

Mm...

(chuckles)

Mm.

Done.

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