All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s01e06 Guns.eng

The Carmichael Show is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Maxine, are you out here
taking a pregnancy test?

What is this?

Oh, that-that's a sock drawer, Maxine.

You're scared of socks now?

'Cause that's an irrational
fear for a therapist.

You know exactly what I'm talking about.

What? What are you talking about?

Oh!

You talking about Petey?

Yes!

You brought a gun into our apartment?!

No, no. I brought a gun into my apartment,

and then you moved in, so...

...technically, you moved in with us.

How could you not tell me

that there was a gun just lying around?

First of all, it wasn't
"just lying around."

It was in a sock drawer.

And secondly, I didn't
know I had to tell you

everything that was in the apartment.

Full disclosure, Maxine,

there's a yearbook in the closet.

Look, Jerrod, I am anti-gun.

Not just stricter gun laws,

not "get rid of all the machine guns."

I want absolutely no guns.

So you're on the fence about guns.

It's okay, Petey.

I'm sorry the mean lady
scared you. Night, night.

Look, I don't feel comfortable
with a gun in the apartment.

You're not comfortable
with a gun in the apartment.

I'm not comfortable without
a gun in the apartment.

So I'll tell you what we'll do.

I'm gonna keep the gun.

What are you talking about?

Well, we didn't agree, so I
made a leadership decision.

You know, as the leader
of this relationship...

Whoa, I'm sorry.

"The leader of this relationship"?

Yeah... Oh, you think
this is a sexist thing.

No, no. I'm not the
leader because I'm a man.

That's crazy.

I just have, like, way more
leadership qualities than you.

And I happen to be a man.

But those two things are
totally separate, Maxine.

Okay, there is no leader in a relationship.

A relationship is a partnership.

We are both leaders equally.

You know, and the way to solve this

is for us to talk about our perspectives.

Talk about our feelings.

Talk about our feel... That
doesn't sound like a leader.

You think Oprah says that
to Stedman in the morning?

Jerrod, where did that gun come from?

My dad gave it to me when I was 18.

He told me you can have
either a really nice gun

or a really crappy car,
so I chose option A.

That was the gun.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

All right.

What are you doing?

Wait, what are you doing?

Maxine, what are you do...? Maxine!

Seriously, wha...? Where are you going?

I am returning this gun
to where it came from.

No, just stop for a second, Max...

Stop, seriously.

Maxine, as the leader of this relationship,

I order you to stop!

Give me a... give me a sec.

She's gonna stop. Watch this.

I said, Maxine, halt!

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Cynthia, what's that kick in
the mashed potatoes... paprika?

Nekeisha, you've packed up

an almost disrespectful amount of food.

Well, ever since Bobby
moved out, nobody cooks.

Bobby, you moved out?

Where you living?

- Nearby.
- Where?

- Upstairs.
- Oh...

Okay, Maxine, the game's
over; give it back.

No. Stop.

Hey, guys. Uh, is Joe here?

Joe, the girl currently living with our son

is looking for you out here!

Oh, hey!

Listen, that picture I texted you

was meant for Cynthia.

Uh, um, Joe, I'm-I'm
here to give you this.

Oh, no! She's come for revenge!

Hey, you got one shot,
and you better not miss.

Oh, yeah.

This is the gun I gave Jerrod.

You gave my baby a gun?

Wait, wait, wait, you
gave Jerrod a gun, too?

I thought that was a
special moment between us.

You gave both my babies a gun?!

What, are you just
supplying arms to everybody?!

You're like a one-man Iran-Contra.

Yes, everybody should have guns.

And you want to know why?

Because when they come,
they gonna have guns.

That's right, Maxine.

We need guns because they have guns.

What? Who are "they"?

Yeah, yeah, who are "they"?

Them.

Oh... "them." Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you talking about white
people or the government?

Guns are never the answer.

They only bring pain.

I had a cousin that was shot by a neighbor

over an argument, and
I have prayed every day

that no one has to ever

experience that kind of pain again.

Well, I'm very sorry, Cynthia.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, that's not fair.

Using your emotions to win an argument.

What, are you running
for office or something?

Look, listen, the fact
remains that it's better

to have a gun and not need it
than to need it and not have it.

Guns and Neosporin...

you need both around
the house at all times.

I mean, look what's happening around us.

We are sitting ducks.

At schools, in-in... movies.

And them movies are expensive, too.

I don't want to pay $12, only to be shot

before I can see Matt Damon
get out of a sticky situation.

I love seeing Matt Damon
get out of sticky situations.

That's my favorite genre of movie.

Hey, look, let me tell y'all something.

Guns make me paranoid.

You know, that's why I actually

just dumped mine off in the park.

God, I hope that's not true.

I think guns are for punks.

Give me a good old-fashioned
knife fight any day.

See, if I'm gonna take you down,

I want to look you straight in the eyes.

You know something?

I actually would hit somebody
with my car if I had to.

Yep.

What? This isn't an argument

on the best way to kill somebody.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Well, then what are we talking about?

Matt Damon. I thought we
was talking about Matt Damon.

Look, Maxine, I don't know why

you're all up in arms about this.

I'm a safe, responsible gun owner.

All right, that's still a problem.

Even a responsible gun
owner can make mistakes.

Did you know that you
are 12 times more likely

to shoot somebody you know
than you are an intruder?

12 times?

Man, that's almost a baker's dozen.

Look, that's mostly Crips and Bloods.

They'll skew any poll if you let them.

Look...

Maxine, let me ask you, okay?

Say an intruder breaks into our apartment,

and we don't have a gun anymore.

What are we supposed to do?

- Call 911.
- No.

But it's too late.

He's already inside the apartment.

Ooh, I'm nervous.

If someone is breaking into our apartment,

it would be to steal things.

And I would never use
a gun to protect things.

I would just use my words.

I would tell them where
all our valuables are,

and then we would be safe.

I'm sorry, I thought that was a joke.

Well, a real man does not need a gun

to protect himself.

What are you talking about?
I'm as real as they come.

And I own a gun.

Joe, you do not have a gun.

I made you get rid of that
gun when Bobby was born.

And for your own
protection, I didn't listen.

There is no gun around here!

I know this house inside and out!

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Joe!

You got a gun just sitting behind Jesus?

Mm-hmm.

You give that gun to me.
I'm gonna get rid of it!

Hold on.

You threaten my gun, you threaten me, now.

Wow, look how aggressive
guns are making you.

Guns don't make people aggressive, Maxine.

Guns shoot people.

Yeah, and it's not aggression,
Maxine, it's passion.

Passion for defending yourself,
for defending your family.

I mean, look, the truth is, without a gun,

you're merely asking for respect;

with one, you're demanding it.

See, that's poetry right there, boy.

Thank you.

It's like Maya Angelou's spirit

has inhabited your body.

Thank you.

You two have lost your minds.

You know what, Jerrod? Keep your gun.

But as long as it's there,

I will not be coming home with you.

Oh, now you're not coming home?

So where you gonna go, Maxine?

I... will figure it out.

Hey, look, we got plenty
of room here, you know.

I've been staying here a whole
week and nobody even noticed.

Maxine, yes, you can
come here and stay with us

in a gun-free environment.

Because, Joe, that gun is not staying here.

Well, that's fine with me.

I'll go somewhere where my rights

will not be trampled upon.

Me and my gun are going to stay with Jerrod

until you realize this is America.

That's right, Dad.

Now, this-this isn't
gonna last long, right?

And while we're at it, quit adding paprika

to the mashed potatoes.

Oh, no, you didn't!

Come on, Jerrod. Yell something hurtful.

Let's get up out of here.

All right, well, Maxine...

stop humming in the shower.

Either sing or shut up.

She may think she kicked
me out, but I walked out.

- You saw me walk out, right?
- Yeah, I saw you walk out.

You walked out with me, didn't you?

Mm-hmm, you should've seen
us walk out of there, too,

with our guns, looking like two
dudes from a Tarantino movie.

Yeah, man.

You know what?

These women don't know
how much they need us.

Just the other day, Maxine
said to me, she said,

"Hey, Jerrod, what do you
think about this outfit?"

You know what I said? I said,

"I'm gonna be honest, Maxine,
I think rompers look stupid."

See, that's beautiful, son.

That takes a lot of
courage to be that honest.

You must really care for her.

I know! Now, listen.

A lesser man would've sent her

out into the world looking like a toddler.

But no, not me.

No, not Big J.

I care too much, you know?

That's my only flaw.

Right, now, that's a beautiful thing, son.

That's a beautiful thing.

All right, well, Dad,

gonna get some sleep, all right?

All right, yeah, I think
I'm gonna turn in myself.

All right.

Well, help yourself to anything.

We got food in the fridge.

Remote's right there on the table.

And here you go.

What's that for?

Oh, it's for you in case it gets cold.

It gets drafty here at night.

Well, shouldn't you keep
this blanket for yourself?

'Cause I'm gonna be taking the bed.

No, no. It's my place.

I'm not giving up my bed.

No, I am your father,
so I'm taking the bed.

Okay, look, Dad,

all right, I realize that
you really want the bed,

but I'm sorry, you just
can't have it, okay?

- All right, good night.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Did you just pull your gun out on me?

What?

No, I was just taking
it out of my back pocket.

No, you pulled your gun
out to intimidate me.

When did you get so power-hungry, son?

Just waving your gun
all inches from my face.

Okay, Dad,

you are blowing this way out of proportion.

Out of proportion?!

You just held me up at gunpoint.

And for what, a bed?

No, no, Dad, that's not
at all what just happened.

You pulled your gun out
to put your foot down.

No, Dad, look, did I have a gun? Yes.

Was I putting my foot down? Yes.

But I wasn't using a
gun to put my foot down.

Oh, you think you're
the only one that's gonna

put your foot down? I
can put my foot down, too.

Now! What you gonna do, Jerrod?!

What? What is...

What's wrong with us?

Oh, oh, we got crazy. We
got crazy. We got crazy.

- It was me though.
- We got crazy.

Oh, my God, it's the guns.

It makes me feel so empowered.

It's like listening to
Beyonc�'s album, right?

You just feel stronger and
prettier for some reason.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You know what I like to do
when your mama's not around?

I like to take my gun out and
do a little dance in the mirror.

Do you?

I like your gun dance.

That's a nice dance.

Well, look, let me put this thing away

before we hurt somebody.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Dad, I just shot you!

I would've taken the couch!

I don't know how they do it in your house,

but in this house, if a
person has something to say,

they just come on in and say it.

I don't... I don't have anything to say.

I was just... checking in
to see what you're doing.

Everything's fine, so.

So, uh, what are you doing?

I'm trying to find The Mindy Project.

Which channel is Hulu?

I should be feeling really
good about this, right?

'Cause you and I took a real stand tonight.

We're fighting our men.

We're like Thelma and Louise.

Except without the guns.

- Am I Brad Pitt?
- Oh!

Bobby, you scared me.

I forgot you're living here now.

Yeah, that's right, Mama,

and I'm not going nowhere anytime soon.

I mean, every bed in this house

is more comfortable than the last.

Now, hold on.

I don't need y'all snuggling in here.

I plan to enjoy myself tonight.

This is the only good
part of having a fight.

I get to eat as many chips as I want,

watch as much TV as I want

before Joe come crawling
back in the morning.

So how do you know that he's
gonna come crawling back?

30 years of marriage.

Plus, besides, who else wants him, Maxine?

So... so you think Jerrod
will come crawling back, too?

Hell no!

Number one, you two aren't married.

And also Jerrod has plenty
of women to pick from.

Yeah. That girl Lisa at the donut shop,

she asks about him every day.

You know Lisa with the cloudy eye.

Yeah, Lisa with the cloudy eye.

So, okay, how is this gonna end?

Am I just gonna have to give in?

Am I gonna have to be the pushover?

'Cause I don't want to be a pushover.

Then don't be one.

See, this is more than about guns.

This is about how you're
gonna fight as a couple.

Now, if you give in, the
next time you make a stand,

it is not gonna hold as much weight.

Besides,

it's real easy not to take you seriously.

'Cause there's something about your face.

So you're saying don't give
in to Jerrod no matter what?

I'm saying that relationships are tested.

And it's for good reason.

You have to find out how strong you are.

And the sooner you know, the better.

What was that?

Maybe it was Joe.

No, his car's not out there.

Neither is Jerrod's.

I think we getting robbed.

Oh, no!

Maxine, go on down there and check!

Damn it, I can't find the Neosporin.

All I got is Tylenol and Advil.

Okay, well, just read the bottle.

Tell me which one's good for gunshots.

I can't believe I shot you.

Like, I'm a dad shooter.

All right, deal with your
guilt on your own time.

Now, we got to get our story straight.

Um, we got to tell your
mama that I stubbed my toe.

You stubbed your toe on what, a bullet?

Look, Jerrod she cannot
find out about this,

or she's gonna do something irrational,

like blame this all on the
guns and say I was wrong.

How are you gonna hide this from her?

Oh, I hid much bigger stuff
than this from your mama.

Really?

What's bigger than your son
shooting you in the foot?

Gambling.

Uh, the Cherokee Indians
own most of our house now.

Okay, so we gonna say that we went bowling,

and y-you dropped a
bowling ball on my foot.

It's my fault even in the fake story?

Yes, it's your fault
even in the fake story.

This is all your fault.

You shot me!

I know, I know. I shot you.

God, this whole thing has been a nightmare.

Maxine was right. Come on, let's go.

I'm gonna get her, and
I'm taking you back home.

First you shoot me, then
you gonna kick me out?

You are one cold bastard, son.

Can I at least get a pair of
shoes with no hole in them?

Yeah, fine. Uh, here.

Take these, put these on.

- Let's go.
- But these don't even match my outfit.

You're fine. You look fine.

All right, quick, let's go over the story.

Wh-What'd you bowl?

Who cares?

The details make the lie!

Okay, I bowled a 219.

You bowled a 68.

Oh!

All right, everybody, let's
go. Let's get out of here!

Oh! Joe! Oh.

- What's going on down here?
- Somebody in the kitchen.

We got to get out of here.

Somebody's in the kitchen?

- All right, I'm going in.
- Dad...

Joe, something wrong with your leg?

Those shoes are dope, Daddy.

Everybody shut up!

I'm-I'm about to go shoot somebody.

No. Wait. Come on, stop.

That is a human being that is in there.

They're probably just a
victim of circumstance.

Nobody told them their value.
No one taught them their worth.

You know what, Dad, Maxine's right.

You changed your mind? Because
of what I just said right now?

- That was pretty good, right?
- No. No, no.

I just don't want my dad to
shoot somebody, all right?

That's a very reasonable stance to take.

Stop making this about you.

Dad, don't-don't shoot anybody.

Just go outside and let's call the police.

I don't have time to call the police.

I need to protect my home now.

What the hell?

- Oh, my God.
- Keisha.

Nekeisha, come on.

- You tried to shoot me?
- Huh?

Well, I didn't take
all the leftovers. Damn!

Joe, look what you did.
You almost shot Nekeisha.

I was aiming above her head.

It was a warning shot.

I don't know why this
damn thing didn't fire.

Oh, my bad. That's on me.

I emptied all your bullets out
after I shot you in the foot.

You shot your daddy in the foot?!

Now, why would you do that?

It was an accident.

I told you that would happen.

I can't believe you tried to shoot me.

Okay, Keisha, we've
already talked about it.

Keep up with the conversation.

All right,

this whole thing has been a disaster, Dad.

I mean, I shot you,
you almost shot someone.

Nekeisha. He almost shot Nekeisha.

I really think it's time
you get rid of your gun.

Look, Dad, look, you can give
the gun at the police station,

and they'll give you some free pizza.

No, no.

He is not getting rid of that gun.

When I heard that noise
down here, I felt helpless.

So I want a gun in this
house. I want lots of guns.

I want a gun behind every
one of these paintings!

So... nobody's gonna talk
about how Joe tried to kill me?

When you gonna let that go?

Nekeisha, you are

always welcome in this house,

but if you come over
here again unannounced,

you might catch a stray.

- Come on, honey. Let's go to bed.
- All right.

Now, Jerrod, you can give
your gun back if you want to,

but it's only gonna make you seem weak.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Lord.

Oh, you okay, Big Daddy?

I'm all right.

So, you, uh, came to
tell me that I was right?

Yeah. I mean, pretty big of me, right?

- Oh!
- Oh!

Damn, damn!

Look, Maxine,

I'm gonna give up my gun, okay?

- Thank you, Jerrod.
- All right.

Mwah.

Looks like I'm the leader
of this relationship.

No, there... Maxine,

there are no leaders in
a relationship, you see?

I mean, relationships

are a partnership; we're
both leaders equally.

You know, I am... I am
glad that you came around.

But I got to admit, there
was a tiny part of me

that hoped that there was
an intruder who would come in

and shoot us to death, so
that you could find our bodies

and see that I was right about guns

and feel guilty about it
for the rest of your life.

Damn, girls are messed up.

Oh!

Oh, this makes me feel like

I can solve all the problems of the world.

Maxine, change your major.

Bobby, move back in with Nekeisha.

- Mm-mm.
- All right, now, Cynthia,

- baby, now, to load a gun, you
press this on the side, - Okay.

This lever and the... Wait a minute.

Jerrod, there's a bullet in here.

I thought you took all the bullets out.

Oh, God, that's my bad.
I must have forgot one.

So, wait, you could've shot me?

You're still talking about
that? I thought you was a badass.

Yeah, why you still holding on to that?

I already said I'm sorry.

No, you didn't. You never apologized.

I mean, my life was genuinely
threatened yesterday.

Well, we think you are overreacting.

- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah. A little bit.

- Hey, I think it's time for us to go.
- Yeah.

I'm leaving Petey with you.

But, uh, before I go,

let me say good-bye, all right?

Petey, I'm gonna miss you.

You should know that...

? If you should ever find someone new ?

? I know he'd better
be good to you... ?

Are you memorializing your gun?

Yeah.

? 'Cause if he doesn't ?

? I'll be there... ?

Just look over your shoulder, Daddy!

Ooh!

? I'll be there... ?

No, seriously, look over your shoulder.

- He about to hand you a gun.
- Yeah, here you go.

? I'll be there ?

? Just call my name... ?

Wait. Hold on. Why are
we all... I'm Michael.

- Um, I should be singing this part.
- ? And I'll be there ?

- ? Don't you know, baby... ?
- Stop being Michael!

- You can't be Michael if I'm being Michael!
- That's my baby! Come here.

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