Original subtitles

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well these are certainly the cleaner

steps on Madison Avenue

that's how mr. Dave watch them kept

good morning

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we're new here aren't you

justice Marvin this is the way mr. day

gets a nap

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[Applause]

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Annie be careful of this dish you can

burn your hands and keep the cover on

till you're ready to serve them

yesterday likes his muffins hot I'll do

that

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[Music]

Annie is the table set for breakfast yes

ma'am good morning ma'am

good morning Annie how are you getting

along all right now I hope no don't be

nervous just because this is your first

day everything's going to be all right

but I do hope nothing goes wrong

oh no Ellie the cream and sugar go down

at this end my thought incentive ma'am

everyone could reach it amazing mr.

Davis is here excuse me I didn't know

where to place the napkins now you can

tell for the rings the boys have their

initials C for Clarence he sits here J

for John here W for Whitney

he sits over there next to his father

and the one with a little dog on it is

Harlan's of course he's the baby this

narrow plain one is mine and this is mr.

days it's just like mine except that he

got bent one morning and that reminds me

Annie always have mr. days coffee piping

hot yes and whatever mr. day speaks to

you just say yes sir don't be nervous

you'll get used to him all that

beautiful rubber plans I'm so glad it

came you mustn't water it every day too

much moisture makes it very unhappy

well good morning mother I thought you

were still upstairs good morning Clara

father must be talking to himself a

redhead did you sleep well mother yes

thank you do you golly I'm hungry oh and

Eddie we always thought with fruit in

the morning except the two younger boys

who have their porridge and milk

jiminy another wreck on the New Haven

that always disturbs the stock market

father won't like that

I do wish the New Haven would stop

having wrecks if they knew how it upsets

your father my soul and body cleanse

what's happened to your coat it ripped

open again Margaret mended it for me but

it won't stay mended how do you know

just have to speak to your father about

a new suit of

close Clarence why did you take my h2so4

out of our clothes closet I've told you

a hundred times that cross it's not to

make experiments in - good morning

mother John have you been making those

chemical smells again no mother

I'm making electric battery it'll ring a

bell and everything you know your father

doesn't like electricity

but mother everything's going to be

electricity not in this house Oh what's

the matter Claire what's wrong

where's Monica what's next time what I

gave you yesterday

it isn't pressed yet I forgot to give it

to Margaret I Paul you distinctly I

wanted to wear that necktie today you've

got plenty of neckties put on another

one right away and come down to

breakfast I don't know what this world's

coming to

mother may I have my breakfast early I'm

going to play baseball three

wait me before you leave the house you

have to study your catechism but mother

they're going to let me pitch today good

morning will one giant seven-to-three

buck ewing at a home run let me see

boys don't wrinkle the paper before your

father sees it mother could you ask me

my catechism now I think I know it well

let's see what is your name what me

Benjamin who gave you your

come on help me down father so there

snips to come down long good morning

darling

good morning how's your finger it's good

that's a sign it's getting better I'm

alone oh let's see what was I doing

oh yes the Catechism who gave you your

name my sponsors at baptism worrying I

was made a member of Christ the child of

God and an inheritor of the kingdom of

heaven mother if I hadn't been baptized

wouldn't I have any name not in the

sight of the church what did your

sponsors then for you they did promise

and bow three things in my name first

that I

[Music]

thirdly that I should keep God's holy

will and commandments and walk in the

same all the days of mine Moni boys

morning morning mini have a good night

yes thank you Claire look Jen on boys

what's that thing doing in here yeah

that's our new rubber planet place for

rubber plants is on the equator uh take

the object out Cap'n you're not

Katherine no good never liked Katherine

anyway thank you that put it somewhere

else Andy but not too near a window

are you saying Claire that new student

looks very nice laughter type you put on

little white dear Iowa that's the same

to always have well Clarence are just

managed to ruin the only decent sooty

hairs I'm sorry but I'm afraid you need

a new suit of clothes vide Clarence has

to learn not to be so hard on his

clothes the father I think I'm starting

in the fall you'll be completely

outfitted but nothing the summer can I

have one of your old suits cut down for

me every shoot I own still has plenty of

wear in it I wear my clothes until

they're worn out do you want your

clothes worn out click the wear them out

much faster than you can yes and father

you never get a chance to wear yours out

every time you get a new batch of

clothes mother sends the old ones to the

missionary barrel I guess I'm just as

good as any old missionary parents

before you compare yourself to a

missionary remember the sacrifices they

make oh I don't know of anything I think

my clothes would look better on Clarence

and on some Hottentot have that darks a

cuter mine cut down video well thank you

Father when a father suits thank you sir

in return for that Clarence I want you

to practice more often on your violin

Whitney don't eat so fast well father

I'm going to pitch today but before I go

I have to study my catechism

what do you bother about that for

because if he doesn't know his catechism

he can't be confirmed

Vinnie what he's going to pitch today he

can be confirmed any old time class

sometimes it seems to me you don't care

whether your children get to heaven a

lot oh you'll get to heaven alright I'll

be there before you are Whitney I see

did you get him and Whitney we get to

heaven we'll organize a baseball team of

our own good we just like you to try and

run things up there seems to be business

like place they could probably use a

good man like me what makes you so sure

they'll let you win to heaven well if

they don't I'll certainly raise a devil

of a row

Clare I do hope you'll behave when you

get to heaven now Vinnie what

pretty how many times have I asked you

not to engage a maid who doesn't know

how to serve properly Claire can't you

see she's new when doing her best how

can I serve myself when she's holding

that platter over my head hold it lower

yes what became of the one we had

yesterday I don't know why you can't

keep a maid

oh you don't why on earth can't you run

your house the way I run my office all I

want is service that noise Annie who's

Annie the maid I'll take it in Claire

aren't you ashamed of yourself what if I

don't know you made her cry speaking to

her the way you did I never said a word

to her I was addressing myself to you I

do wish you'd be more careful it's hard

enough to people made in the uniform

just at this one in the name um where

did you come from who do you belong to

[Music]

princess hmm that's more like a prince

to me what's wrong - Margaret this

Bacon's good oh well it's good yes sir

Aden how's that finger come here

ah that's healing nicely I guess you'll

know the next time that cats don't like

to be hugged it's alright to stroke them

but don't squeeze them I'll go back and

finish your oatmeal I don't I call it

Nia go on and finish it it's good for

you I don't like it I'll tell you what

you like and what you don't like you're

not old enough to know about such things

you've no business not like oatmeal it's

good I hate it that's enough we won't

discuss it eat oatmeal at once

yawn that lettuce for your mother I

finish my oatmeal father ma'am excuse

yes Whitney here we go it's a good game

hi well with me

yes mother my catechism never mind this

morning darling run along thank you

mother

what's wrong - Margaret what is this

coffee sir it is not copy

you couldn't possibly take water and

coffee beans and arrived at that

it's slops that's what it is slops take

it away I come down to this table every

morning hungry and if you're hungry

Claire why aren't you eating your

breakfast

I am aunt Judith wants me to come up and

visit her knobby knee I want no more

relatives in this house we are going to

live here by ourselves in peace and

comfort layer I was saying aunt Judith

wants me to visit her Oh eat your

oatmeal today what on earth is this dear

friend day we are assigning you the

exclusive rights to Staten Island for

selling the gem home pop up a popcorn I

think that's for me father but then why

isn't it addressed to clarence day june

your'e oh it is I wouldn't get mixed up

in popcorn Clarence it's too

indigestible if you please ma'am listen

I'll add you and a package it's Lewis

and Congress oh yes those kitchen knives

I ordered make a Memorandum of that

Vinnie one dollar and whatever it was

for I must have a record of what is

spent running this house I've never

understood what good a record is after

the money's gone there's just a dollar

mark with Vinnie

this house must be run on a business

basis of course dear that's what the

household accounts are for oh Claire

it's half past eight you don't want to

be late as he always time Annie clear

the table now

Clarence John yes you boys go up and

move the small Bureau from our room into

your who's coming cousin Cora and she's

bringing a friend with it a young girl

I'm a girl

you would have to help entertain her

clothes Oh mother do I have to until

father finds out we've got visitors

they'll be rappers John don't criticise

your father he's very hospitable after

he gets used to the idea I like coffee I

like she I like the girls and the girls

like me I don't like girls and they

don't like me Oh what's the matter

Claire what's wrong

how did that get in this room now Claire

how was the new maid - no keep that

abomination out of here oh Claire dear

I'm afraid I'm going to need some more

money you were complaining about the

coffee this morning

well that nice French drip coffee pot is

broken you know how would that broken

never mind that Vinnie there is I

remember that coffee pot cost $5 and

something I'll give you $6 when you get

it Vinnie enter the exact amount in the

ledger of course we can't the one month

a month having the household accounts is

such a mess no and I thought of a system

that will make my bookkeeping perfect

well I'm certainly relieved to hear that

all we have to do is open charge

accounts everywhere and the stores will

do my bookkeeping for me now wait a

minute minute then when the bills come

in you'd know exactly where your money

had gone hell I certainly would Vinnie

we get enough pillows as it is Claire

dear don't you hate those arguments we

have every month I certainly do not to

have those I should think would be worth

something to you well I'd open an

account Louis and congas and one of the

queries to start with Thank You Claire

which yard works out thank you oh the

rector is coming to tea today

Victor well I'm glad you warned me I'll

go to the club don't expect me home

we're gonna die

Claire dear I do wish you take a little

more interest in the church getting me

into heaven is your business Vinnie if

there's anything wrong with my ticket

when I get there you can fix it up

everybody loves you so much I'm sure God

must - I'll do my best Claire

it wouldn't be heaven without you your

they have any I'll manage to get in some

way even if I have to climb the fence

Margaret Margaret Claire what's wrong

why did God make so many dumb fools and

Democrats Oh politics

yes but it's taking the bread out of our

mouths honest Hugh Grant honest ah fine

mayor you've turned out to be if you

can't run this city without raising

taxes every five minutes you'd better

get out let someone who can

Richard cookers running in this town and

you're just his cat's paw tell me this

are these increased taxes going into

public improvements or are they going

into graft answer me that honestly if

you can mr. honest Hugh Grant you can't

I thought so ah you were elected to

office on the promise that you would put

an end while this thievery and

corruption have you put it into it no

you've encouraged every day there's some

new raid on the public treasure we're

going to throw you and your boodle Board

of Aldermen out of office I'm warning

you for the last time

robbery that's what it is highway

robbery Annie take this fish a cup of

coffee into mr. day we make you a good

round someone to watch after our

interests and all we get is inefficiency

I know you're a nincompoop and I

strongly suspect you of being a scalawag

you're not going to escape your legal

responsibilities legal responsibilities

my god I mean criminal responsibilities

don't think for one minute we're gonna

to escape we're going to throw you into

jail

[Music]

Danny are you hurt he can't throw me

into jail

[Music]

any why can't I have quiet here in the

morning now what happened sounded means

oh that may drop the whole tray of

dishes yes but what did you say to her

say twat

I haven't seen her since breakfast I

better get the office oh yes Claire you

don't want to be late I'll be home in

plenty of time for dinner why don't we

have chicken fricassee tonight well

Clarins gone up it's 8 cents a pound

[Music]

she going dressed up like that hey I

you've done it again

how could you could I what can't you see

she's leaving dear I have no time to

engage in you mate we'll have to have

dinner out get her out

nonsense I'll engage a new made myself

there you can't but she has to get

beyond the thorns I have one here in an

hour

good morning mr. Dion you ate the office

yesterday

good morning

where is the danger

yeah

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[Music]

[Music]

oh yeah I declare you're getting younger

and prettier every week Mary Skinner and

Skinner's daughter my goodness I never

would have known you just leave your

things out here and come right on him I

heard my father talk so much about you

haha

did he tell you how he used to dip my

pigtails in the infamous school what did

you was in Pleasantville Cora Oh Vinny I

have so much to tell you we wrote you

that aunt Carrie broke her hip yeah that

was enacted Robert Ingersoll lectured of

course she couldn't get there but was a

good paper mr. Ingersol she did how do

you do cousin Cora oh this is John but

John why how you've grown you'll be a

man before your mother

John this is Mary Skinner how do you do

how do you do many everybody in

Pleasantville sends their love grandpa

Evans cousin Edith aunt Hattie that

Arizona is grandpa and oh he hasn't been

at all well you know he only has one

kidney and that's well tea how do you do

cousin Cora I'm glad to see you

this can't be Clara yes my my my

goodness every time I see you boys you

grown another foot let's see you're

going to st. Paul's now aren't you

st. Paul's I was through with st. Paul's

long ago I'm starting in Yale this fall

yeah Oh Oh Mary this is Clarence and

Mary Skinner how do you do oh this is

Mary's first trip to New York yes it is

it's her first trip so you have to show

Mary around I tell you I'll ask mr. day

to take us all to Delmonico's for dinner

tonight no Monica think of that Mary

Delmonico's and cousin Claire such a

wonderful home when I know you guys want

to freshen up so come upstairs

Clarence give their bags I've given you

girls Clarence's room but he didn't know

about it doesn't mean I don't want get

their old bags

oh you play the bottom in well I I fool

whether a middle you're just being

modest no really I I play the piano not

hopefully well now you're being modest

do you ever play duets well I haven't up

to now neither have i up to now

Quorra didn't tell me about you I never

met a Yale man before what's happened to

you nothing

I feel fine are you people

do you wish domestic servant where do

you keep them I will take your name and

address Colleen I'm late at the office

now if you will give me the details as

to what kind of person you require I'm

asking you where you keep them why they

girls are in there but clients are not

allowed in that room if you will tell me

the kind of a position you wish to have

held I'll be very glad to

just antifreeze sir this is quite

against the rules I must know what you

want the girl for I'll take that one

what's your name

hell yes sir yellow you go right over to

420 Madison Avenue I will sir that's all

thank you sir

before I can let any girl go from this

establishment I must know the character

of the home in which he will be employed

madam I am the character of my home my

duty toward my neighbor is to love him

as myself and to do unto all men as

they should do unto me as they should do

unto me - - he really knows it

well he's done very well for so young a

boy may I go now yes darling thank you

dr. Lloyd are you and mr. day must be

very proud of your children I was hoping

I'd find mr. day at home this afternoon

well he's usually home from the office

by this time perhaps he's gone for a

gallop in the park it's such a fine day

he's very fond of horseback riding I

believe oh yes goodnight

has he ever been thrown from a horse oh

no no horse would throw mr. day I just

thought he might have had some accident

I notice he never kneels in church oh

that's no accident but I don't want you

to think he doesn't pray he does why

sometimes you can hear him all over the

house but he never needles up I have sex

mr. day now I hardly think so mm-hmm

Oh mm I got Claire and you're just in

time for tea I'll send for some hot

water how are you dr. Lloyd mother

are they back yet no Clarence no except

for a brief glimpse on the sever I don't

see much of you well devilishly visit a

very busy day tired out how a man can

get tired just sitting at a desk all day

I don't know

I suppose Wall Street is just as much a

mystery to you as it is to me dr. Lowe I

think no no it's all very clear to me my

mind often goes to the businessman the

picture I'm most fond on is when I

envisioned him at the close of the day's

work I see him pausing in his toil and

it comes over him that all those figures

of profit and loss are without

importance or consequence vanity and yes

I'll be Claire yes ma'am

Delia some more hot water please yes

who's that

how do you mean where's the one I sent

this morning the uniform didn't fit I

like the one I picked out better Claire

dr. Lloyd wants to tell us about the

plans for the new edifice and you what

the new church you knew we were planning

to build a new church of course we're

going to have to raise a large sum money

well personally I am against the church

hop skipping and jumping all over the

town so any contribution I make will

have to be a small one the amount

everyone is to subscribe has already

been decided who decided it after

considerable thought we voted that our

supporting members should each

contribute a sum equal to the cost of

their pew I paid $5,000 for my pew yes

Claire that makes our contribution

$5,000 that's robbery do you know what

that few was worth today $3,000 that's

what the last one sold for I've taken a

dead loss of $2,000 on a few already

Frank bags sold me that few and the

market rose at its peak II knew when to

get out and I'm warning you Vinny yeah

the market ever goes up I'm going to

unload that pew Clarence day how can you

speak of the temple of the Lord as

though it was something to be bought and

sold on Wall Street now mrs. day your

husband is a practical man we've had to

be practical about the new church we

have all the facts and figures Oh what's

the property where we are now

oh let's see is it $40,000 I know the

figure has a 4 in it what's the new

piece of property going to cost you

I think the figure I heard mentioned was

$85,000 or was it a hundred and

eighty-five thousand dr. Lloyd you

preached that someday we'll all have to

answer to God we shall indeed well I

hope God doesn't ask you any questions

what's bigger than him it's cousin Cora

she's passing through town well hello

hello come Mary Oh Vinny what a day

we've been in every shop in town why cuz

Eclair

my my you're as welcome as the flowers

in May this is Mary Skinner mister day

how do you do I've been telling Mary all

about you she's been dying to meet you

dr. Lloyd I want you to meet my favorite

cousin miss Cartwright this is Mary

Skinner dr. Laura this seems to be a

family reunion I'll just run along

goodbye dr. Lloyd how do you do - dr.

Lloyd goodbye dr. Lloyd goodbye

everybody I've got to the door with you

thank you so much fatigue who did you

say this pretty little girl is she said

Skinner's daughter this is Mary's first

trip to New York oh sit down sit down

have some tea we had tea downtown oh

never mind then that yes now sit down

even if you have had tea you can stay

and visit for a while as a matter of

fact why don't you both stay to dinner

that's all arranged Claire coronary are

going to have a dinner with us fine fine

of course you just have to take potluck

did you know the girls are going to

visit apse Judith in Springfield for a

home um fine how long you're going to be

in New York Cora all week splendid

we hope to see something of you when you

certainly will Cora did you find

anything you wanted in the shop oh I

can't wait to show you oh but I'm afraid

some of these packages can't be opened

find a cosmic lair shall I leave the

room or should I say your room wasn't it

nice of players to give up his room to

us for a whole week Korra come on I just

can't wait to see what's in those

packages we'll be back soon

Vinnie I wish to speak to you before you

what Stan I'll be down in just a minute

Claire I wish to speak to you now

I'll be up in just a minute Korra it's

all right Vinnie come along marry those

two women encamped in our house yeah

absolutely

Claire you know how Claire you know

you've always been fond of Korra what to

do with her thanking herself down in my

house and bringing all the strangers

with her how can you call that sweet

little girl a horde of strangers why

don't they go to a hotel you orcas full

of hotels built for the express purpose

of housing such nuisances Claire two

girls alone than a hotel

but who knows what might happen two of

them all right then put them on the

first train they want to roll with

gypsies lend them a hand

keep them roaming you're staying in that

little room of Clarence's the couple

days they don't stay there they stay in

the bathroom every time I want to take

my bath it's full of digging females

washing their hair I tell you I won't

have it send them to hotel I'll pay the

bill gladly but get them out of here

father I'm afraid they can hear upstairs

then keep those doors closed Clarence

you open those doors open them all the

way

now Claire you be quiet and behave

yourself they're here and they're going

to stay here

that's enough Minnie I want no more of

this argument

oh try but I don't understand is why

that's swarm of locusts always descends

on us without any warning

owl Thunder Vinnie

dear Vinnie

[Music]

father may I go along with the rest of

you to Delmonico's

what's that Delmonico's you're taking

mother cousin Cora and miss give it to

Delmonico's for dinner tonight

I won't I won't have it I will not have

my life arranged for me I bought this

house for my own card I will not submit

myself to this indignity Clarence

do I understand I am not permitted to

have dinner in my own home a little

change will do your god I have home to

have dinner in and any time I can't have

dinner at home this house is for sale

well Claire you can't have dinner here

tonight because it isn't ordered and

besides chorim marry well to see

something of New York

well that's no affair of mine I am NOT a

guy to Chinatown and the Bowery

Oh mr. day I don't love your house I

could live here forever chorus waiting

for you mrs. day oh yes IRA bite up

[Music]

I'm glad you like our house miss Skinner

I like it very much mr. de três from a

stranger is approbation indeed at whom

our living room is green I like green I

like green too Reds my favorite color

it's an interesting thing about colors

Reds a nice color in a house too but

outside too much red would be bad I mean

for instance if all the trees and the

grass were red outside greens the best

color that's right I never thought of it

but when you do think of it it's quite a

thought I bet you make your market yeah

oh my mother wants me to go to college

do you believe in girls going to college

I guess it's all right if they want to

waste that much time before they get

married I mean I'm glad your father

music mr. day oh hello what can you use

companion John enjoys the youths

companion John don't you sit down oh

thank you it tells all about connecting

batteries in series

John miss Skinner and I were talking oh

that's all right you won't bother me

jiminee there's where I made my mistake

I didn't mix enough boobage

[Music]

oh don't start can you play that I'm

afraid not

can you play sweet Genevieve that's my

favorite not without my music hymns are

nice don't you think I like this one

[Music]

that's funny the words are the same but

it's the wrong tune oh it can't be the

wrong - and we sing it exactly that way

in church we don't think it that way in

the Methodist Church

you see we're Methodists oh that's too

bad

oh I don't mean it's too bad that you're

a Methodist anybody's got a right to be

anything they want but what I mean is

where Episcopalians yes I know anyway

the words are the same shall we begin

now

[Music]

what's wrong

shall we try again

[Music]

must be my fault oh no it's my fault no

you are the Episcopalian I just

remembered something my father wasn't

Episcopalian he was baptized in the

Pisgah pinion he was an Episcopalian

right after the time he married my

mother she was the Methodist Oh

oh well let's try it again then well

Clarence if you're going to Delmonico's

with us you'd better get rest am I going

to Jimmy thank you Father

be ready in just a minute father pity

that young lady looks about the same age

you were when I came out to present bill

to rescue you rescue me you came out

there to talk me into marrying you it

worked out just the same

[Music]

[Music]

we must retreat we that is your purpose

your day since the abbot LSU's

nothing serious here verges Rico Dog

Leashes was that is better suited for

thanks no cookies like the French Claire

it was so nice of you to invite coronary

here that first night it's been a

pleasure mr. day how do you always been

an Episcopalian I've always gone to the

Episcopal Church yes but you weren't

baptized a Methodist or anything where

are you you were baptized an

Episcopalian come to think of it I don't

believe I will have a baptized at all

Claire that's not very funny joking

about a subject like that

I'm not joking I remember now I never

was baptized yeah that's ridiculous

everybody's baptized what I'm not no one

would keep a little baby from being

baptized you know father a mother we

think as both of them they thought the

children should decide those things for

themselves but I remember when I was ten

or twelve years old

mother set out to give some thought to

it but I never got around to having it

done for me do you know what you're

saying yes I'm saying I've never been

baptized something's got to be done

about it

right away now pretty don't get excited

over nothing

why haven't you ever told me well what

difference does it make I've never heard

of anyone who wasn't baptized even the

Savage is in darkest Africa it's alright

for savages and Shuren but if an

oversight was made in my case it's too

late to correct it now

[Music]

what if you're not baptized you're not a

Christian I can't found it of course I'm

Christian a mighty good Christian - a

lot better Christian are those some

singers in church but you can't be if

you won't be baptized I won't be

baptized and I will be a Christian I'll

be a Christian in my own way

don't you want to make us all in heaven

of course and I'm going to that's a lot

of our all day no but you must be like

that you're coming to church with me

before you go to the office in the

morning and be baptized then and there

Benny don't be ridiculous

if you think I'm going to stand there

and let dr. Lloyd splash water on me at

my age you were mistaken no I'm sleepy

good night Minnie

[Music]

[Music]

mother yes but if father hasn't been

baptized he hasn't any name and the site

of the church he hasn't any name that's

right

maybe we're not even married we thine

unworthy servants do give the most

humble and hearty thanks for all that

goodness and loving kindness to us and

to all men we bless thee for our

creation preservation and all the

blessings of this life but above all for

thine inestimable love in the redemption

of the world by our Lord Jesus Christ

for the means of grace for the hope of

glory and we receive thee give us that

new sense of all thy mercies that our

hearts may be our infinitive in light

the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and

the love of God and the Fellowship of

the Holy Ghost be with us all evermore

[Music]

so my friends what comforted security it

gives us when we have reached the age of

understanding to know that the Rite of

baptism has not been neglected in our

infancy or youth can you imagine any man

who has reached maturity with the

knowledge that he had never been

baptized failing the hastened of the

holy font that his soul might be saved

as it says in the baptismal office

except a man be born of water and of the

spirit he cannot enter into the kingdom

of God he that believeth and is baptized

shall be saved but he that believeth not

shall be damned

what's that follow-up to he can't be

which also shows us the great anything

we reap there he that is baptized for

the promise is to you and to your

children dokie not therefore but

earnestly believe

name of the Father and of the Son and of

the Holy Ghost army

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

mrs. billion Paulo mecha-suit

this is Wilhemina Eugenia Wickersham

what a lovely day for betwee baptized

happiest day in my life

[Music]

thank you

[Music]

there you know I didn't ask dr. Lloyd to

do what you must have said something

well I had to find out from him if we

were really married I am married and I'm

not baptized and as far as I'm concerned

the whole congregation can know it they

certainly know it no excuse me I don't

go to church to be preached at as though

I were some lost sheep you don't seem to

understand what the church is for many

have this one place the church should

leave alone it's a man's soul well he's

going to be baptized Cora you mark my

word I just couldn't go to heaven

without clare why I get lonesome for him

even when I go to Ohio it's awfully hard

on a woman to love a man like Clare so

much Oh men are so aggravating they take

everything for granted they certainly do

you know I don't believe Clare's come

right out and told me he loves me since

we've been married

of course I know it does because I'll

keep reminding him of it you have to

keep reminding them Cora we're having it

after core of Mary go to the train left

I was coming at one-o'clock cab the

horse cars go right past the door but

Claire they have those heavy bags ABS or

waste of money

well if dinner is going to be delayed

I'll work on this month's bills what are

they now Clare it isn't fair to go over

the household accounts when you're

hungry

Vinnie where are those bills they're in

the library on your desk no dinner was

going to be late back home I ride all

the time

I know their horse is my favorite animal

oh my goodness where have you two been

Clarence wanted to show me his

grandfather's house you will have to

hurry and finish your packing he won't

take me now

can I help you pack Clarence Clarence

why did you deal in church today right

I just couldn't if it's because your

father doesn't real you must remember he

wasn't brought up to kneel in church but

you were has it anything to do with Mary

I know she's 11

oh no mother Methodist no Mary told me

they don't get up-and-down so much but

they stay down longer Clarence you want

a deal don't you oh yes I wanted to

kneel today I tried you saw me try but I

just couldn't

is that suitable your father's so tight

for you no it's not too tight what is it

mother very peculiar things have

happened to me since I started to wear

this suit I can't seem to make these

clothes do anything father wouldn't do

that's nonsense Clarence and now to

kneel in church is a sacrilege making

Father's trousers and he'll seem more of

a sacrilege Clarence do you know what

happened to dura Wakefield's party for

Mary last night we were playing musical

chairs and some girl sat down suddenly

right in my lap or I jumped up so fast

she almost got hurt she was sitting on

father's trousers well mother I've got

to have a suit of my own

nice olam body well you'll just have to

talk to your father about it

I'm sure if you approach him the right

way you'll know tactfully he'll see oh

it excuse me gracious it didn't take you

very long well I'll see about your box

lunch for the Train

remember it's Sunday I I was hoping we

could have a few minutes together before

you left

Cora had so much to do I wanted to get

out of her way well didn't you want to

see me I did want to tell you how much

I've enjoyed our friendship oh ma told

us the living room till dinner's ready

have you ever been out on our porch oh

yeah well let me show it to you

it's awfully hard to grow up in a family

with children my I've never known a

waiting to pass so quickly why I why I

you're going to write me when you get to

Springfield aren't you of course if you

write me first but you'll have something

to write about your trip and aunt Judith

and how things aren't spring for you you

write me as soon as you get there maybe

I'll be too busy maybe I won't have time

well you find the time let's not have

any nonsense about that you write me

first and you'll do it right away the

first day how do you know I'll take

orders from you

well show you give me your hand why

should give me your hand confound it

[Music]

just want

what are you thinking about I was just

thinking about what I was hoping you'd

write me first because that would mean

you like what's my writing first got to

do with liking him you do like me then

of course I do I like you better than

any girl I ever met but you don't like

me well enough to write first

well I don't see how one thing's got

anything to do with the other

what a girl can't write first because

because she's a girl

well that's nonsense if a girl has

something to write about and a fellow

hasn't there's no reason why she

shouldn't write first you know the first

few days I was here you do anything for

me and then you changed

you used to be a lot of fun then all of

a sudden you turned into an old sober

sides but why are you even dressed like

an old sober sides

I just happened to remember something

it's because this is the last time

please we'll see each other in a month

when I come back because show me how

much I like you no it's not because it's

no it'd be the same any day

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

parents yes father like young ladies

crying she's in tears what's the meaning

of this I'm sorry father it's all my

fault

nonsense what's that girl trying to do

to you no no she wasn't it was I

whatever the quarrel was about parents

I'm glad you have your own father I have

to have a new suit of course you've got

to give me the money for it

young man do you realize that you're

addressing your father I'm sorry father

I apologize but you don't know how

important this is to me a new suit of

clothes is so important oh why should

Clarence has your need for a new suit of

clothes anything to do with that young

lady yes Father

Clarence

like this comes as quite a shock to me

what does father are you're being so

grown-up

still I might have known if you are

going to college this fall yes you're at

the age when you'll be meeting girls

Clarence there are things about women

that I think you ought to know sit down

yes I think it's better for you to hear

this from me than to have to learn it

for yourself Carnot's women aren't the

Angels that you think they are

well now first let me explain this to

you

you see Clarence we men have to run this

world and it's not an easy job it takes

work and it takes thinking

a man has to reason things out now you

take a woman a woman thinks no I'm wrong

right there a woman doesn't think at all

she gets stirred up and she gets stirred

up over the most confounded things now

I'd love my wife just as much as any man

but that doesn't mean that I should

stand for a lot of faller all my god I

won't stand for it stand for what father

that's the one thing I shall not submit

myself to Clarence if a man thinks a

certain thing is wrong you shouldn't do

it if he thinks it's right he should do

it now that has nothing to do with

whether he loves his wife or not who

says it has father they do women they

get stirred up and then they try to get

you stirred up too but don't you let

them do it Clarence don't you let them

do it now if you can keep reason and

logic in the argument but a man can hold

his own course but if they can switch

you pretty soon the arguments about

whether you love them or not I swear I

don't know how they do it but don't you

let them planets don't you let them I

see what you mean so far father if you

don't watch yourself love can make you

do a lot of things you don't want to do

exactly but if you do watch out and know

just how to handle women then you'll be

alright all a man has to do is be firm

you know how sometimes I have to be firm

with your mother

yes but father what can you do when they

cry mmm

well that's quite a question you just

have to make them understand that what

you're doing is for their good

I see our Clarence you know all about

women

but father yes Baroness I thought you

were going to tell me about about what

about women

Clarence there are some things gentlemen

don't discuss I told you all you need to

know the thing for you to remember is be

far

[Music]

marry when you get to Springfield the

very first thing you

[Music]

oh sit down Vinnie okay a coronary

leaving any moment now

Vinnie you know I like to live well and

I want my family to live well but this

house must be run on a business basis I

must know how much money I'm spending

and what for for instance if you recall

a week ago I gave you six dollars to buy

a new copy mine yes because you broke

the old one you throw it right on the

floor I'm not talking about that

no I find me to break that nice coffee

pot Claire it was imported from France

and that little shop has stopped selling

them but what her study but the tariffs

wouldn't let them and that's your fault

because you're always voting to raise

the tariff the tariffs protects America

against cheap foreign labor now this

bill the tariff does nothing but put up

the prices and that's hard on everybody

especially the farmer Vinnie I wish to

heaven you wouldn't talk about matters

you don't know anything about I don't

know about them

mister yulik says that every intelligent

woman should have some of him may I ask

is Miss bulik she's the current events

woman I told you that and the tickets

are $1 every Tuesday do you mean to tell

me that a pack of idle minded females

pay $1 apiece to hear another female

gavel about the events of the day listen

to me if you want to know anything about

the events of the day what do you get so

excited Claire and besides miss Kulick

says that our president whom you're

always belittling praise to God for that

Vinnie what happened to that six dollars

what six dollars I gave you six dollars

to buy a new coffee pot now I find that

you apparently got one of us in Congress

and charged it here's their bill one

coffee pot five dollars so you owe me a

dollar and you can hand it right over

I'll do nothing of the kind

what did you do with that six dollars

well Claire I can't tell you now dear

why didn't you ask me at the time

I give up wait a minute

I spent $4 and a half for that new one

Brella now we're getting something one

umbrella $4 and that must have been in a

week I paid mrs. Tobin for two extra

days washing mrs. Tobin that's $2 more

that makes that makes up six dollars and

fifty cents and that's another fifty

cents you owe me I don't owe you

anything what you owe me is an

explanation of where my money is gone I

do the best I can to keep down expenses

you know yourself cousin Phoebe spends

twice as much as we do don't talk to me

about your cousin Phoebe you talk about

your own relatives enough

that's not fair Vinnie when I talk about

my relatives I criticize them I can't

even speak of cousin Phoebe you can

speak about all you want to but I won't

have cousins DB or anyone else dictating

from the outer and my house I didn't say

a word about her dictating Claire you

know she isn't that you said you said I

don't know what you said now you never

stick to the point now we're going over

this account box item by item I find

here a bill for $38 I don't know what

you expected me I tire myself out

chasing up and down those stairs all day

long trying to look after your comfort

to bring up our children

I do the mending and the marketing now

you want me to be an expert okay

Vinny I want to be reasonable but don't

you understand I'm doing all this for

your own good

well I suppose I'll have to go ahead

just paying the bills and hoping I've

got enough money in the bank to meet

them

it's all very discouraging I'll try to

do better Claire well that's all I'm

asking well I will it make out the

checks inside them but maybe I haven't

any right to sign those checks since in

the sight of the Lord I haven't any name

that's right Claire you'll make those

checks good you don't have to be

baptized right away Vinny the bank

doesn't care whether I've been baptized

or not well I care and no matter what

dr. Lloyd said I'm not sure we're really

married Vinnie we have four children if

we're not married now we never will be

Claire dr. Lloyd said this morning

already uh don't you better go tell

Whitney to watch for the cab not before

you give me that dollar not

that dollar and a half you owe me I

don't owe you any dollar and a half I

gave you money to buy a coffee pot for

me and somehow it turned into an

umbrella for you clearance day what kind

of man are you quibbling about a dollar

and half when your immortal soul is in

danger and what's more like all right

all right

Thank You K now the accounts are all

straight again

[Applause]

[Music]

what were you doing down there I'm

setting up this new burglar alarm I

invented it myself have you got any

money you can let me know you owe me 30

cents now I'll give you my stamp

collection of my piece of John Wilkes

Booth's finger

how much enough to get a new suit of

clothes if you're gonna wait a month

till I hear from the Patent Office in

Washington I may be rich I can't wait

that long maybe I could get it sooner I

don't want to look into something else

tomorrow wanted an energetic young man

to sell household necessity liberal

commission apply 312 with John let me

have this job why should I give you my

job they're hard to get I've got to get

a new suit of clothes maybe I could get

the job for both of us I'll ask the man

[Music]

[Applause]

the cab to your father

oh thank you Whitney Avenue ha ha ha ha

John go up and get their bags yes sir

here's the lunch for the Train sir take

it out to the cab who's that one it's

Ellen Delia nap yesterday I don't know

where your mother finds them no Vinnie

don't you let Claire worry about us we

have plenty of time Oh take the bags

right on out John well goodbye

it was so nice to see you goodbye

Whitney now you be a good boy

like I said goodbye Harlan goodbye keep

out of mischief along everybody don't

keep the cab waiting

perhaps cost money there's one thing

mister they can't stand it's to keep a

cab waiting honey waiting to do there's

a waiting room at the Grand Central

Depot just for that Mary aren't you even

going to shake hands with me I don't

think I'd better

you may remember that when I get too

close to you you feel contaminated Mary

you're going to write to me aren't you

are you going to write first no Mary

there are times when a man must be firm

Mary mother says you better hurry out

before father starts yelling it's Sunday

goodbye John I'm very happy to have made

your acquaintance thank you may I help

you

no thank you goodbye

goodbye Mary goodbye cousin Claire

goodbye Clara goodbye Korra

[Music]

dear Mary my duty toward my neighbor

just to love him as myself and to do to

all men as I would that you do it to me

as father gone to the office yet come on

let's go to the ball field I've got to

burn this box so John comes back it says

burglar alarm

it wouldn't work so I fixed it we're

going to put it back in the dining room

after father goes to the office and

their burgers around everywhere to love

honor and succor my father and my mother

why do you have to learn that because if

I don't I'll go to hell father's going

to hell yeah not yes he is because he

isn't baptized he'll go to hell and burn

for a thousand years you out he will be

in a lake of fire and brimstone and a

Thousand Devils with pitchforks will be

poking at

[Music]

boys just singing father you boys be

quiet you know your mother isn't feeling

well yes Father

what did your mother say she says she

doesn't want any breakfast I'll fight as

your mother do that to me you know what

he does upsets my day when she doesn't

come down to breakfast especially

delivery sir thank you thank you

where's John this morning John had his

breakfast early father and went out to

see about something

co-op what well John and I thought we'd

work this summer and earn some money

good work never hurt anyone it's good

for them what if you're going to work

work hard

think solid not the right idea about

work

whatever thy hand find us to do Solomon

said do thy dog honest oh well I don't

understand this at all there's a letter

from some woman I never even heard of Oh

father don't God what is it father this

woman claims that she sat on my lap and

then I didn't like it what's that word

no that one down there it looks like

curiosity I only opened your letter as a

matter of curiosity yes go on why this

gets worse and worse it just turns into

a lot of sentimental lovey-dovey mush

this is someone's idea of a practical

joke

what's the matter Claire what's wrong

nothing wrong that's a fool letter how

are you feeling Vinny I thought you

needed me if you don't I'll go back to

bed oh come sit down and get some food

in you

build up your strength sit down sit down

yeah what's this one's name Nora Nora

get mrs. J some bacon and eggs no I'll

bring me a cup of tea up to my room yes

ma'am Vinny it's just weak to give in to

an ailment I noticed when you have a

headache you yell and groan and swearing

up well let's approve to the headache

that I am stronger than it is I think

I've caught some kind of germ some of my

friends have had to send for the doctor

dr. Paul poppycock

Claire dear when people are ill you

have to do something certainly have to

do something zero up that's way to cure

him how would you go about cheering them

up I thought I'd come back what have I

done No Oh Clara

[Music]

Hey I didn't mean to upset you

[Music]

dear Kranthi

[Music]

I was just trying to help you you know

when you take your bed I have a

confounded lonely time around here so

when I see you hitting him into your

head that you're not feeling well

I want to do something about it just

because some of your friends are given

into this no reason why you should

imagine your real

[Music]

did you get the job yes for both of us

look I've got with me

what is it medicine medicine you took a

job for us to go out and sell medicine

but it's wonderful medicine what it

cures a sovereign cure for Kol's

cost guitar asthma Quincy and sore

throat for the jetsons summer complained

colic dyspepsia heartburn and shortness

of breath lumbago rheumatism heart

disease giddiness and women's complaints

nervous prostration Saint Vitus dance

jaundice Legree proud flesh pink I see

sickness and pimples it's made from a

secret formula known only to dr.

Bartlett we get 25 cents Commission on

every bottle we sell and he's giving us

the territory of all Manhattan Island

lots of fathers and mothers friends have

some of those diseases let's start out

by calling on their yes

Oh what if they ask us if we use it at

our house yes it would be better if we

could say we did excuse me

oh is that the tea for mrs. day yeah

I'll take it up to her oh thank you

right away now while it's hot what's the

matter with mother I don't know if she

was just complaining say it says here

it's good for women's complaints here

yes sir Chesapeake and Ohio an eighth

New York Central three quarters I'd like

to see mr. babe out there with me

have you come to pay us a visit where's

father he's busy in his office with a

customer

mr. Whitney you have to come home right

away what's the meaning of this

who sent you down here your mother no

sir mother's ill she's terribly ill did

the doctor sent you for me no sir it was

Margaret Margaret Margaret says you're

to come home right away uh no nonsense

weapons go down and stop the first cab

you see cap sir

are you mr. day yes I want to cap a no

nonsense I'm sorry but the Hawkins

[Music]

Oh

[Music]

Oh doctor how is mrs. day

she's a pretty sick woman what's wrong

with her

well do you know her don't you what did

mrs. day have for breakfast this morning

not a thing I tried to get a read so I

think she wouldn't I can't understand it

I understand what these violent attacks

of nausea it's almost as though she were

poisoned poisoned let me take your cab

I'll try not to be gone more than 10 to

15 minutes and mr. day you are not to go

into a room you'd better get her well

right away or you'll hear from me turned

west on 27th Street how is mother

I don't know well she better be good and

sick her father may be mad at me for

getting him up here especially in a cab

does she found the Coon yes just now

where are you going my wreck I have to

go for the minister

I guess the ministers coming to baptize

fathers so I won't have to go to hell

it can't be baptized in a house you've

got to have water we have lots of water

not the right kind there's mother better

father how can I tell she wouldn't let

me in the room with that he's kind of

found of doctors never know what's the

matter with anybody

father yep

mother is going to get well isn't she of

course she's gonna get well father may

we come in its water without mother yes

it is Harlem it's a long summer come in

boys what are you been doing Harlem

upstairs what about you Whitney I was

supposed to learn the rest of my

catechism will you hear me father

yes Whitney I'd hear you start here how

many pots are there in a sacrament to

the outward visible sign and the inward

spiritual grace what is the outward

visible sign or form in bap baptism

water wherein the person is baptized in

the name of you haven't been baptized to

have your father with me what is the

outward visible sign water where in the

person you don't know it well enough

Whitney you'd better go and study it

some more do you want me to read to you

Hana father are they gonna put you into

hell what need a column with you

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

coming to their everybody's sending up

doctors doctors don't do you any good

make you feel worse mr. D we must I'll

be quiet missus dey's be to you I know

she's a cop and see if she needs

anything what are you doing out of house

sent for the minister administer he'd be

right in he's paying off the cat I was

deeply shocked to learn the serious

nature of mrs. Daisy Ellis will you take

me up to her she's resting now if she

can't be disturbed the doctor will be

back in a minute mrs. day has been a

tower of strength in the parish everyone

liked her so much yes she was a fine

woman I wish to heaven you wouldn't talk

about mrs. day as if she were dead

if the doctor back yet

no did she need him well she's kind of

restless she's talking in her sleep and

twisting and turning

laughter it seems to me that was a

pretty long 10 minutes see here mr. day

if I'm to handle this case

how can you handle if you're out of the

house who is this

it's dr. summers how do you do I felt

that mrs. days condition warranted my

getting dr. summers hair as soon as

possible for consultation I hope that

meets with your approval

oh yes of course anything that can be

done upstairs doctor pardon

mrs. Day is in good hands now mr. day

there's nothing you and I can do at the

moment to help dr. Boyd yes there's

something that's troubling mrs. days

mind oh I think you know what i referred

yes you mean the fact that you've never

been baptized yes I gathered that you

knew about it from your salmon last

Sunday but let's not get angry I think

something had better be done fine

yes mr. day when the doctors get through

up there I want you to talk to mrs. day

I want you to tell her something

well I'd be glad to you're just the man

to do it she shouldn't be upset about

this I want you to tell her that my

being baptized would just be a lot of

confounded nonsense but mr. day know all

she take you a word on a thing like that

and we both must do everything we can to

help her now but the solution is so

simple it would take only your consent

to be baptized that's out of the

question and I'm surprised that a grown

man like you would suggest such a thing

well doctor how is she what have you

decided

is there a room we could use for our

consultation oh yes my library doctor

dr. summers this isn't serious is it

after we've had our consultation we'll

talk to us today but surely

rest assured dr. summers will do

everything that is humanly possible I

will try not to be locked

[Music]

tell me this dr. summers he's very

highly thought of isn't it oh yes

lavinius seriously if anyone could help

her he could how do you think very fine

physician but there is a greater health

ever-present in the hour of need let us

turn to him in prayer

let us kneel and pray let us kneel and

pray

Oh Lord look down from heaven behold

visit and relieve this thy servant who

is grieved with sickness have mercy on

her oh lord have mercy on this miserable

sinner forgive her and extend I have

custom she's not a miserable sinner you

know it Oh God

you know videos not a miserable sinner

she's a fine woman she chewed me Baker

Saba it's got to stop I tell you it's

got to stop have mercy I say how mercy I

tell you what's the matter clear what's

wrong Jenny honey what are you doing

down here

you shouldn't be out of bed you could

right back upstairs I heard you call do

you need me Vinny I know now how much I

need you get well Vinny I'll be baptized

I promise I'll be baptized you will I'll

do anything

how clear we'll go to Europe just wait -

you won't have to worry about the

children or the household accounts Oh

Vinny don't worry miss today she'll be

all right now bless you for what you

have done what I do you promised to be

baptized I did

Oh God

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

isn't it drafting here mother shall I

get your coat mother nothing will stay

cool I'm quite comfortable thank you

come on now let's stay together Harlan

don't you get lost again

aren't ahead lovely this year ostrich

feathers you wouldn't wear that hat

would you mother I think that's very

pretty I think they're all pretty I do

need some tips oh cool oh isn't this

applique beautiful just arrived from

Paris madam it's charming what are you

looking for mother

[Music]

I think I just take a plain one but this

is the very latest

we've only had them in a few days

remember mother this is your first day

out you mustn't get too tired no I'm

saving myself dear I have to cuz of

course coming tomorrow is Mary coming

too

yes dear don't touch them I'll bet you

knew it we have any more of this

material yes we do

this one is genuine imitation wisdom the

original design by Judy John isn't this

the darlingest thing it's exactly what

I've always wanted

how much is this lovely pug dog fifteen

dollars man fifteen dollars gee whiz

mother we could buy a real life

bloodhound for $5.00 oh isn't he

perfectly adorable oh I know I shouldn't

this is day oh this is right here how

nice to see you

are you quite recovered almost this is

my first day out we've missed you at the

church you remember mr. Morley

how do you do miss mr. Moore defeats the

Sunday dr. Lloyd was ill oh I can't tell

you how much I enjoyed your sermon even

my husband enjoyed your sermon you just

come from the board meeting of the

foreign missions I'm taking mr. Walley

home to lunch I had to drop in here to

pick up a purchase I won't be a minute

is your parish in the city yes it's on

the outskirts my church is in Audubon

Park

Oh way up there are you acquainted not

urban park no I don't believe we know

it's all there mr. Morley would this be

possible

my husband mr. day if we lower the

collar it'll be a very fine fit you

won't find a better suit of clothes in

the city for $15 oh it's not the price

it's the money thank you for holding it

for me welcome goodbye mrs. day I hope

we meet again soon

goodbye it was very pleasant meeting you

again I think it was divine providence I

shall be delighted to be of service

goodbye mr. Monty goodbye may I work it

oh no it's against the rules

[Music]

oh why don't you bring home more

medicine for dr. Bartlet paid us off

didn't he oh yes Oh jiminy you scared me

I've got to take $15 right down to my

queries I bought a suit there this

morning and I said I'd have the money

this afternoon

gee that's too bad what's too bad well

will you see Clarence what dr. Bartlet

paid us off in medicine Oh dad well he

thanked us too for our services to

mankind but my suit I've got to have it

tomorrow and besides they're making the

alterations I've got to have $15 maybe

you could offer them 15 bottles of

Medicine oh they wouldn't take it

McCreary's don't sell medicine father

Vinnie I'm home good afternoon sir how's

your mother Clarence oh the ride this

morning get her a lot of good she'll be

well enough to go to church with us next

send Oh fine father have you noticed I

haven't been kneeling down in church

lately don't let your mother catch you

at it then I have to have a new suit of

clothes right away that doesn't make

sense I can't do anything in your

clothes that you wouldn't do well if my

old clothes make you behave yourself I

don't think you want to wear anything

else oh no you're you and I'm me I'm

gonna be myself

I mean suppose I should want to kneel

down in front of a girl why in heaven's

name should you want to do a thing like

that I've got to propose to a girl

sometime Clarence right away but for $15

I can get a good suit of clothes why

don't you begin you two talk as crazy as

room hello they need you're feeling

better today huh

much better thank you Claire you don't

have to hurry home from the office every

day like this uh what business where it

is no use going to the office at all yes

you do look better than II what did you

do today

I got a care agent of the boys for a

ride and we stopped in at McCreery and

oh Claire I have the most wonderful news

for you who do you think I missed mr.

Morley Arnie never heard of him remember

that nice young minister who substituted

for dr. Lloyd one Sunday oh yes right

young fellow preached a good sensible

sermon short one do what be more

ministers like him

well cleared his Paris is an Audubon

Park you know way up above Harlem nobody

knows you up there you'll be perfectly

safe safe

vini what are you talking about I've

gone all over everything with mr. Morley

and he's agreed to baptize you oh he has

the young whippersnapper very nice of

him we can go up there any morning we

don't even have to make an appointment

who said I was going to be baptized at

all why Claire you did now you gave me

your promise your sacred promise you

said I'll be baptized I promise I'll be

baptized well what if I did

Claire I'll write you a man of your word

Vinnie we all thought you were dying so

naturally I said that to cheer you up

as a matter of fact the doctor told me

that's what cured you oh it seems to me

pretty ungrateful of you to press this

matter any further my being well has

nothing to do with it you gave me your

word you gave the Lord your word and

you're going to March yourself up to mr.

Morley's church some morning before you

go to the office and be christened if

you think for one minute why in the name

of heaven is that you think I'm going to

let you add the sin of breaking your

solemn and sacred promise I demand to

know what that repulsive object is

perfectly plain what it is it's a pug

dog what is it going in this house I

wanted it and I bought it you spent good

money for that Claire don't try to

change the subject how much did you pay

for that atrocity I didn't pay anything

for it I charged it charged if I might

have known how much was it $15 $15 for

that I saw don't you call this lovely

work of art an eyesore it will look

beautiful sitting on her bed cushioned

by the fireplace in the living room if

that sits in the living room I won't

furthermore I don't even want it in the

same house with me get it out of here

you're not going to get out of this room

until you set a date for your baptism

I'll tell you one thing

I'll never be baptized as long as that

hideous monstrosity is in this house Oh

all right Clarence that pug dog goes

back this afternoon and he's Chris first

thing in the morning you heard him

didn't you Clarence you heard him say

that he'd be baptized as soon as I got

this pun dog out of the house you hurry

right back to McCreary's with it and be

sure they credit us with $15 Oh mother

why we were at McCreary's I happen to

see a suit I'd like very much in the

suit was only $15 well Clarence I'm

afraid your stupid oaf to wait until

after I get your father Christmas no I

meant that since the suit cost just the

same as the pug dog if I exchange the

pug dog for the suit y-yes then the suit

wouldn't cost your father anything

why how bright of you Clarence to think

of that I'd better start right away

before McCreary's closes yes let's see

if we're going to take your father all

the way to Audubon Park

Clarence on your way back you stopped at

the livery stable and tell them to have

a cab here it'll come tomorrow morning

mother a cab do you think you ought to

we can't walk all the way to waterbend

Park but you know what a cab does to

father this is a very important occasion

all right get one of their best cabs the

kind they use the funerals those costs

$2 an hour and if father gets mad well

if your father starts to argue in the

morning you remember when he agreed to

it we both heard him I hope you know

this Clarence is returning the pug dog

yeah that's a sign you're getting the

faculties back don't dawdle Clarence

[Music]

vini it's good to hear you singing again

[Music]

on the way uptown I stopped in at

Tiffany's and bought you a little

something what you might like it I'm

glad it pleased you oh come here how

sweet of you

I don't know how to thank you let's

thanks enough for me to have you up and

around again you know when you're ill

Vinnie this house is like a tomb there's

no excitement that's the loveliest ring

you ever bought me now that I have this

you needn't buy me any more rings well

if you don't want any more what I'd

really like now is a nice diamond

necklace Vinnie

do you know how much a diamond necklace

costs yes I know Claire but don't you

see you're giving me this shows I mean a

little something to you now a diamond

necklace good heaven if you don't know

by this time how I feel about you so

we've been married for 20 years and I've

loved you every minute of it what did

you say I said we've been married for 20

years and I've loved you every minute of

it but if I have to buy our jewelry

stores to prove it if I haven't shown it

to you in my words and actions I might

as well well what have I done

nah it's all right Claire I'm just so

happy happy

you said you loved me that beautiful

ring that's something else I didn't

expect oh Claire I love surprises that's

another thing I've never understood

about you Vinnie now I'd like to know

what to expect

yes I know

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Laughter]

well then father the Baron for you

what's your name

Margaret said captain market we've got

one market announced at home they call

me Maggie sir all right Maggie

if a name's Margaret that's a good sign

maybe she'll stay a while

do you know boys your mother used to be

just the same about cooks as she is

about maids never could keep them some

reason well one day about 14 years ago

yes it was right after you were born

John my you were a homely baby good

morning boys morning Benny why you look

I saw you a dress for a wedding no idea

yeah oh good night yes Thank You Claire

sit down Vinny sit down boys

oh thank you Paris where seems to me

everyone's all dressed up this morning

what's on the program for this fine day

well this afternoon mail or TSA's

mother's giving a party for everyone in

maze dancing class

Harmons going today I don't want to go

mama Harlan don't you want to go to a

party and get ice cream and cake may

lower thighs tries to kiss me when you

get a little older you won't object to

girls wanting to kiss you

Willie Clarence this is the you mister

day where should I put it

oh that's for me I think take it

upstairs Maggie give it up back you

bring it here that's it see it's for me

father Clarence day Junior look that's

for McCreary's it's mock charge

what is it all right it's nothing for

you to worry about what at least I think

I should know what's being charged to me

what is it okay I'll stop your fussing

it's a new suit of clothes

Clarence and it isn't costing you a

penny it's mark charge $15 it's costing

me $15 and I told Clarence can't you

take my word it isn't costing you a

penny I'd like to have you explain why

it isn't because Clarence took the pug

dog back and got the suit instead of

course and have charged me $15 for the

chute

nonsense Claire we gave him the pug dog

for the suit don't you see then they've

charged me $15 for the pug dog but

Claire they cut we haven't got the pug

dog we sent that back well hmm but well

now wait a minute Vinnie the chute

well there's something wrong with your

reasoning I'm surprised at you when

you're supposed to be so good at figures

that's perfectly clear to me very

they're going to charge me for one thing

or the other

don't you let them well McCreary's

aren't giving away suits and they aren't

getting away pug dogs why it should be

clear to a child that if Clarence sent a

pug dog back Dave what I will not have

that botanical freak in this room John

have you been going around this town

selling medicine Yes Mother

dog medicine no mother not dog medicine

this letter from mrs. Sprague says you

sold her a bottle of this medicine and

that her little boy gave some of it to

their dog and it killed him now she

wants ten dollars from us for a new dog

yeah let me see that lucky well he

should have given it to a dog it's for

humans why it's Bartlett's beneficent

balm made from a secret formula have you

been going around among our friends and

neighbors selling some patent nostril

but it's good medicine father I can

prove that by mother Benny what do you

know about this nothing Claire but I'm

sure John no I mean that J mother

watching up you're going to every house

where you sold a bottle of that

concoction and buy it all back but it's

a dollar a bottle I don't care how much

against here I'll give you the money now

how many bottles did you sell 128 a

hundred and twenty-eight Claire I always

told you John would make a good

businessman young man you'll have to

come down to my office with me I'll give

you the money to buy back that medicine

128 dollars ten dollars more for mrs.

Spriggs dog that's 138 dollars thank you

very

but it's all coming out of your

allowance that means that you'll not get

another penny until the whole 138

dollars is paid up I'll be 21 years old

Oh God that's another Claire what's

wrong

[Music]

those gypsies are back when they don't

answer the door they're moving in on us

again

bagging baggage here you tell them to

get back in that cabin drive right onto

Ohio if we can turn our own relatives

away their extravagant enough to take

cabs when horse cars run right by our

door you be quiet and behave yourself

John comes up with a bed why do they

always have a pounce on us without any

warning

[Music]

how are you so worried about me I'm fine

how are you darling fine thank you have

you been a good daughter no Claire the

girls are here well here we are again my

my it's so nice to be back

how did you miss today how do you do

come in sit down and have some breakfast

we had breakfast at the depot

well we practically finished ours I

haven't finished my breakfast well then

sit down okay here doesn't have a cup of

coffee

anyway Mary Cara Meggie clear those

places natural care don't let your

kippers get cold

Maggie sip some coffee yes where's

Clarence he must be upstairs moving his

thing so you can have his room again oh

oh honey we can't stay overnight grandpa

Evans has been failing very fast and

that's why I have to hurry back we're

leaving on the five o'clock train this

afternoon

well Cora it certainly is good to see

you again well who can that be well this

time it can't be another special

delivery letter for Clarence

while you were in Springfield our

postman was kept pretty busy it's the

cab man dad what cab the cab mister take

us to alter Ben park oh he's going to

Audubon Park we all are Cora the most

wonderful thing has happened

Claire is going to be baptized this

morning Vinnie what you saying I'm

saying you're going to be baptized this

morning I am NOT going to be baptized

this morning or any other morning you

promised yesterday that as soon as I

said that pug dog that you'd be baptized

I never said anything remotely like that

Clarence was right there and heard you

that's why I ordered the cam okay hey

you send that right back I'll do nothing

I'm going to see that you go to heaven I

can't go to heaven in a cab well you can

start in a cab I'm not sure they'll ever

let you into heaven but I know they

won't unless you're baptized they can't

kick me out of heaven on a technicality

can they I stop quibbling you may as

well face it

you've got to make your peace with God

until you stirred him up I had no

trouble with God

Harlen Whitney come get your Sunday hat

Clarence

John yes mother hurry we're ready to go

oh my prayer book Harlan come let me fix

your tie

penny are you mad was it your plan that

my own children should witness this

indignity why Claire they're big proud

of you I suppose Harlan is to be my

godfather Vinnie I won't go through with

this thing that's final commander if you

feel that way about I do we won't take

the children with us I'm not talking

about the children I'm ready mother

Oh John Vinnie I haven't time for

anything like that this morning I've got

to take John down to my office with me

and give him the money to buy back that

dog medicine but it wasn't dog medicine

sir young man we're starting downtown

this manner you would do no such thing

you gave me your sacred promise that day

I almost died yes and she would have

done if we hadn't given her some of that

medicine that proves it's good medicine

you gave your mother some of that dog

medicine John you didn't yes we did

mother we put some in your tea that

morning

ja do you realize you might have killed

your mother

you did kill mrs. Spriggs dog John I

have to give considerable thought it's

not how you were to be punished for this

no Vinnie when I think of that day what

wait we might have lost you you're all

right now thank heaven but what I went

through that afternoon the way I felt

I'll never forget it

you've forgotten it already what do you

mean what was the day you gave me your

sacred promise yes but I wouldn't have

given you my promise if I hadn't thought

you were dying and you wouldn't have

almost died if John hadn't given you

that dog medicine don't you see the

whole thing is illegal

suppose I had died it wouldn't make any

difference to you you don't care what we

meet in heaven or not you don't care

whether you ever see me in the children

again Oh Vinnie you're not being fair to

me it's all right Claire if you don't

love us enough there's nothing we can do

about it but that has nothing to do with

it

I love my family as much as any man all

my life dad there's that cab but you're

not what enough to go all the way to

Autobahn I want enough we ride trip

would take all morning and those cabs

cost a dollar an hour

this is one of their best cabs this cost

$2 an hour well then why aren't you

ready get your hat on

Oh tarnation hallelujah diamond young

lady if I hadn't been for you no one

would have known I was baptized or not

[Music]

Oh God

[Music]

good morning mr. day going to the office

oh I'm going to be baptized

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

you