Original subtitles

Does the end of your journey bring me joy, Herr Krugman?

Yes, Karta. The girl's here.

My noble ancestors believe...

...a long journey begins, not ends, with the first step.

So let us begin.

Send the message to Senator Dunbar.

Welcome to my palace, Miss Dunbar.

Forgive me while I feed an ungrateful servant to my pets.

Perhaps he will find honor in the next world.

You will have the privilege of speaking to your father.

Come this way.

Please be seated.

Tell your father...

...he must kill his foreign aid bill to Chang Lon by Monday.

Or we will kill you.

- Hello? June?

- June, are you all right? - Daddy?

- June, where are you? - Daddy, l...

If you don't stop your aid bill for Chang Lon, they'll kill me.

Yes, senator. Karta Rangoon has captured your daughter.

Yes. Yes, senator, we know.

We know she was captured for political reasons and brought to Chang Lon.

No... No, senator.

No, we... We can't send troops in there.

But, senator...

Of course. Of course, senator.

We're no longer welcome in that area.

Yes, I realize there's gonna be a war in Chang Lon...

...if your aid bill is killed.

All the necessary steps have been taken.

Yes. We've already sent our best operatives into that area.

Yes. Our best men are already on their way there, senator.

Yes, we are sending Jones in there.

With our best men.

Yes, I know this is a hot potato.

Yes, he's the best man we've got.

He's been in that area before.

l... l...

I suppose that's true.

Karta Rangoon is a dangerous adversary.

Yes, I realize he's using this kidnapping as a definite political device against us.

But, senator, l...

l...

l... I'm...

But, senator...

l... l...

We'll bring you news of your daughter as soon as we hear from our men in Chang Lon.

We're in constant contact with them and they inform us of their every move.

Yeah, he knows Chang Lon better than anyone else we've got.

Well, we...

Yes.

No.

We'll inform you about everything that comes in through Chang Lon.

Yes, sir.

Where the hell is Chang Lon?

Hey, hey, hey.

Aha.

You thinking about something like that?

Most of the time, Johnny.

They've got the warmest women in the world right here.

Right now, we've got to stick to business.

I wanna get one thing straight about my expense account...

...because I lost money last time out and I'm not gonna let that happen.

You will get your cash.

Yeah? Well, Johnny Chicago works when someone pays him.

Times are hard. Money's tight nowadays.

Stop griping.

Take in a little culture and get yourself some class.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Well, hello.

Baby, I sure wish we could.

We've got a job to do.

Hey, maybe it's not gonna cost much.

Mr. Jones, I am Detective Sergeant Pam Boraj.

You're our contact?

Just checking your cover.

Let's get one thing straight, gentlemen.

I'm not overjoyed with your being here.

Gentlemen, your presence here is absolutely unnecessary.

My division could have handled this entire incident with no trouble at all.

I know exactly how to handle this situation.

Keep in mind we have informers everywhere.

Karta Rangoon is a clever man.

He's bound to know what we're up to.

And he, no doubt, will try to provoke an incident.

If that happens, leave everything to me and I mean everything.

Keep cool. Sit tight.

Get out of the way.

Hey!

Come on, come on, come on.

I said stay out of it.

I told you, stay out of it.

I said I'd take care of it.

- But there were so many of them. - Jones, don't you understand English?

I said I could handle it.

Yeah, tell him, baby.

Who are you calling baby?

Try to understand me.

My father. Senator.

Money.

He will give you money if you help me.

Your age?

Twenty-four, born April 6th, 1952.

- Where? McLean, Virginia.

And your father's interest in Chang Lon?

He was a colonel stationed here during the Second World War.

Excellent. The resemblance is remarkable.

You chose well, Krugman.

A pity I won't be there to see your performance, Miss Miles.

Well done.

Come to my study.

Mr. Rangoon?

When will you release the girl?

Come.

You have been told what you are to know...

...and you will be paid handsomely for what you are to do.

Don't be afraid. They're my pets.

I'm curious to know what will happen to me if they find out I'm a fake.

Here's $ 15,000.

Another 15 waits in your bank in New York.

Necessity, besides being the mother of invention...

...can also be the wife to deception.

Which means I'll have to think of something.

My dear...

...one who works in the bars of Cairo and Marrakech where we found you...

...doesn't usually get $30,000 for the sale of services.

I guess that tells me where I stand.

Krugman, would you like to feed my pets?

Then bring Miss Miles to the stockade to await her rescue.

By the time they discover the deception, we will gain the time we need.

Okay, sarge, now head for a place called The Blue Moon.

The Blue Moon. That's the wildest bordello in the city.

That's where we pick up the White Rhino.

The white what?

The White Rhino. Nature's answer to the pyramids.

Here you are.

Oh, my God. It's the return of Tom Jones.

Tom who?

It's nice to see you stay in shape, doll.

I thought we were supposed to meet someone named Rhino.

Take a good look. That's a between-the-meal snack.

A family of four could live off of it for a year.

Easy, guys. If I lose, I owe her 700 bucks.

But if I win...

Come on, give me a bite.

Look, if he gets hurt and I gotta carry the body...

...it's gonna mean more money.

I hope it's not serious.

You come here?

You're crazy, all of you.

Yeah. And very friendly.

Come on, Rhino, you can do better than this.

Do you always eat like this?

Only when he's on a diet.

You know, I've seen him eat a whole side of a cow.

Oh, yeah.

More food.

Oh, yes. Oh, Rhino, you're just so delicate.

Oh, yeah.

I think she's fading, Rhino. I've got my money on you, kid.

She's not gonna make it. Got my money on you.

She's not gonna make it.

Timber!

Another Christian bites the dust.

And now, my friends, it's time for dessert.

To taste the sweet fruit of victory.

Would you look at that butt?

Now, girls, don't fight. There's enough for everybody.

And I've got some astounding ideas on where to start.

So let's go.

We know that Rangoon has had the girl taken from his palace in town.

We've checked it out.

The car stopped at his stockade in the teak forest.

I've worked out a plan that should make it pretty easy for us to get her.

You always work this fast?

Tell him, sarge.

You're faster than a speeding bullet...

...and you change your clothes in a telephone booth.

What did those girls do to you last night?

I don't know, but when I came out I had three less toes than when I went in.

Hey, watch the ecology, huh?

Stop the car. Stop.

Man overboard!

Knock it off.

You crazy ox.

Don't litter.

I swear to God, I'm gonna blow you up like a ship.

You know what your trouble is? You got no respect for Smokey the Bear.

All right, look, I am not riding in the same vehicle with this animal.

Right.

Hey, where are you going? Some of my best friends are animals.

This part of the country is extremely isolated...

...and some of the tribes here are loyal to Rangoon.

So my plan is to circle around the rear of the stockade.

Rangoon has close to 100 men there.

You can time the guard schedules...

...and I'll work out the basic strategy of attack.

That way. That way.

Hey, that looks like my sister Elsie.

Elsie, I thought you were living with a dentist in Brooklyn.

His name is Butch.

Is your kid sister butch?

Hey, are you calling my sister a dyke? Ah!

What was that? - Nothing, nothing, keep going.

You meatball.

Come on, let me buy the car.

All right, 50 bucks.

Fifty bucks? You've got two of them, come on.

All right, 50 bucks. Fifty bucks for a little car?

Hey, who you hitting on the head? Hey, hey, hey.

Come on, give me that. Was owned by a lady in Pasadena.

I don't care.

Leave my little nose alone. - Forget your nose, I wanna buy the car.

We gonna hit them by surprise?

My plan is go... - We'll not surprise them.

- Not with those walls. - They're 12 feet high.

- We could blow in a couple of holes. - Yeah?

Make sure mine is big enough this time.

That's too dangerous. We don't know where the girl is.

Fellas, I know...

Maybe the senator wouldn't mind his daughter coming home in pieces.

Why don't you go in there and water the lawn?

I've got an idea.

Yeah, forget the whole thing.

Would you get off of my foot?

In three hours, that sun will be in their eyes.

Three hours? They've got lunch on the table now.

Attack now.

I'm not going in there with you people.

- What's the matter? You got a tummy ache? - No!

Wait a minute.

If she's pregnant, I want more money.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait, wait.

Wait a minute.

Let go of me.

- Get off me. You brute. Get off that woman.

Oh, are they doing it?

We're just kidding, sarge. We're gonna use your plan.

What plan?

Hers. Riding elephants.

- Elephants? - Elephants?

What elephants?

Sarge, I really appreciate you helping.

This is gonna cost you, Jones. I mean it.

- What are you doing? - Standing on your hat.

You.

Wait a minute. Oh, hey.

You dummy.

- Are you from Boston? - I'm not.

Go get them, baby.

Hey! What's the noise?

Huh?

What small car?

What?

Shit.

Charge!

Charge!

Charge!

Come on, Butch, move.

Charge!

I'll take a cab.

Fake.

Hey. Give that back.

My hat.

Oh, this is just too much.

Come on, you guys, all of you. Come on.

Come on.

Hey, these guys ruined my hat.

- Go see Rhino. He's got petty cash. - Right.

Come on.

Hold it, hold it.

Can't you see I'm busy?

The chief says you've got petty cash.

Will you forget about the hat? We gotta...

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey, wait a second. Wait a second.

Why don't you see Pam? She'll fix your hat.

- Pam can fix my hat? - Yeah, she'll fix your hat.

Come on, come on. Stick together.

Rhino says you can fix my hat.

What?

Get the hell out.

Okay. Come on, come on, move on.

Will you go away? I don't need you anymore.

Ah!

Gee, Butch.

Now see what you made me do to him?

This is from me. And this is from Butch.

Miss Dunbar.

Oh, thank God.

Let's go.

Let's go, Rhino.

All right. Just one last thing to do here. Just a minute.

And here's something to keep up your strength.

Take these for your athlete's foot.

Send Krugman to me and bring the one who guarded Miss Miles.

It seems our Miss Miles has turned out to be a rather clever thief.

- Miss Miles? - Precisely.

My secret letters of undying loyalty to both parties here are gone.

They will not hesitate to cut off your head...

...when they know that you double-crossed them both.

- Was Miss Miles alone at any time? - No.

Only when she took bath.

And you held her clothing and locked her door?

Yes.

Obviously, she crawled along that ledge through your window naked.

Your mind is like a parachute, Krugman.

It pops open when you least expect it.

Take my best men, kill Miss Miles and bring my letters back to me.

If you fail, send Pujo a signal.

But succeed, Krugman.

Your life depends on it.

Throw him in the pit.

Chief wants you to hold down the middle.

Hey, come on, there is nobody following us.

How would you know, jughead?

You know, sarge, Jones really likes you.

- He likes you. - You're lying.

No, he can't lie to women.

- He's got too many. - Oh, get away from me.

Pujo, ride to Longkat. Order him to prepare for battle.

If Krugman signals you, Longkat must do what I've asked.

Longkat's treachery could be deadly.

Giving life to a serpent is no guarantee against snake bite.

Go, Pujo.

Hey, hey.

That's what bothers me.

It was too easy.

You aren't thinking of a refund, are you?

Something isn't right.

Look, you better go back there and keep a close eye on Miss Dunbar.

Miss Dunbar. Hey, listen.

I hope your father appreciates us getting you out like this, you know?

I mean, he might show his gratitude or something, you know?

What are you trying to say?

Well, ma'am, I mean, Christmas doesn't always have to come once a year.

- Go back. - Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

Hey, have you got the boat ready?

That?

There she is.

Come on.

What did she say?

She says putting you in that robe is like putting an elephant in panties.

Let me show you how to do that.

I used to be a gondolier. Hey, watch the hat.

Anyone want a sandwich?

Did I ever tell you about the time that I was a sheep farmer in Montana?

Want a sandwich?

What did he say?

They leave by boat about half hour before.

Take care of him.

Come.

Your friend Chicago is coming on like a late blooming flower.

Five years ago, his wife and daughter got blown up.

Was it meant for him?

Yeah.

You wanna know what's going on, you gotta talk to the natives.

Ah!

No!

Hey, where's my sandwich?

Good work, guys.

They sure threw some heavy stuff at us this time.

Yeah, everything but the kitchen sink.

What's that?

Trouble.

Your men failed.

Our men will do it.

Longkat will fight.

Jones, they're trying to tell us something.

Mm-hm. We've got to get some transportation and fast.

We're gonna need it.

We're in Longkat's territory.

And that can be dangerous.

You failed miserably, Krugman.

Even with outstanding warriors.

The Americans fought like tigers.

Just beware of tigers, Krugman.

My pets are always hungry.

So far I've promised them Miss Miles.

I'm beginning to think you're right.

Bet your pockets, lady.

You don't get kidnapped by Karta Rangoon and walk away with a pocket full of money.

I'll be watching.

Hey, I got more money coming.

I'm in the bathroom.

Elephants, guys dressed up like apes...

...guys in the bushes, guys coming out of the water.

It wasn't in my contract.

Don't walk in front of me when I'm in the bathroom.

You wet my shoes.

You're lucky it wasn't number two.

Hey.

Eighty dollars, $80 shoes.

Eighty dollars, 80...

Now look, you guys, let me take care of this.

We've gotta keep moving and fast.

Try and get us some money.

Hey, Rhino, here comes the head waiter.

You do our village honor.

What's the occasion?

Boo King will take third wife today in marriage.

We need transportation. We have to get to Fall River.

We must have some cash...

All that we have in our village is yours.

Hey, no faggy stuff, huh?

Come on, give him a kiss.

What will they do for us?

What does he want?

Fight piggy.

Piggy?

You going to let him call you that, Rhino?

You're talking to Leonardo Fizzerelli.

I come from a long line of Italian gladiators.

No fag calls me a pig.

A rhino maybe, but not a pig.

You piggy, piggy.

Hey, that's no way to talk to a gladiator.

Not on your life, sister boy.

I think he wants that to be part of the deal.

You win, I give third wife.

Women and kids, huh, punk?

Come on, Boo King.

- Boo King. - Ah!

Come on, Rhino.

I'm gonna bite your nose off for that. - Ah!

And then I'm gonna change your diapers.

Hey, where are you going? I'm just getting started.

I once worked on a job where I had to set off the fireworks.

So you've had some action after all.

Oh, no, no, nothing big, you know? Only all the small stuff.

I'll bet.

Well, these will be real big ones.

All right, all right. It's a draw. It's a draw.

What? I just got started. - How about that fight with Ali?

You're good.

I didn't think you noticed.

I meant with that stick.

One stick is just as good as the other.

Ugh!

Huh?

This was definitely not my deal.

I mean, really.

Pam, is this what you mean by fast horses?

John Wayne would love this.

Wagons, ho!

Hiyah! Ha!

Hey, Chicago, we're being followed.

Keep going. I'll catch up to you.

Rhino, come on, let's go to work.

I'm telling you... - Shh. Get down.

Would you stop that?

Oh, my God.

Me yours.

- What? - Me belong you.

Oh, no.

But, lady, you never met my mother and father.

We go with you.

Come on.

Well, what do you think?

It's out of question.

Well, what do you want me to do, leave her on the road?

She can't go home. She'd be disgraced.

It's their custom.

You see?

Hey, come on, look at the little fella.

The kid's an angel.

Then it's your decision, Rhino.

Hang in there, tiger.

I suggest you take it slow.

She's a bit angry with you.

She doesn't even know me.

Say something nice to her.

I'm from Texas.

Bull in a china shop.

- What did she say? - She says you're a bull in a china shop.

I'm a bull in a china shop?

You better learn to make submarine sandwiches.

That's what you better do.

And get that kid to bed too.

Go on.

Get him to bed.

I hope she murders you in your sleep.

Stranger, I'm a Texan and we invite hazardous love.

Come here, honey. - Oh, no.

Ow. Ow.

I thought we were married.

Damn pillows.

We've done a lot of jobs together, Johnny...

...but you're getting kind of sidetracked on this one.

Man, for the first time in five years, I feel love for a woman.

I mean, I really feel it.

Either that or you're getting old.

There's somebody out there.

You don't like June, do you?

There's something sour about this whole deal.

Look, you hold down the fort.

I'm going to take a look around.

I'm gonna check out that temple on the hill.

I think your friend is jealous of us.

With all the girls he's got?

He's got his eye on Pam.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Nardo.

Leonardo.

Le... Leonardo.

Leonardo.

Leonardo. - Just call him Rhino.

Oh! My bag.

- Stop. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- I get it. - That's it, son.

Oh.

Quicksand!

Don't struggle. I'll be right there.

Oh!

Hold on, Rhino. Hold on, hold on. - Grab my hand. Grab it.

Oh, Mama.

Hold on to him. Pull, Rhino. Pull. Pull.

I'm sinking. Sinking.

Grab my hand.

Pull, pull.

Pull, pull.

Hold on. Hold on.

Okay, grab the kid.

Pull the boy out of there. Now, pull him out.

Hey, how about a hand for the hero, huh?

Pull, pull, pull. Come on, grab it.

Oh, thank God.

Hey, do you need help?

Everything is A-okay.

That must be some expensive leather.

More than that, it's my life insurance.

When the time is right, I wanna look into that bag.

Don't be silly, go on.

You know, you may be the first one to get away.

Everything would be so simple if you'd stop being a hound and treated a girl decently.

You want a man, don't you, huh?

That's not good enough.

Do you want honesty?

Yes, it would be a beginning.

You like that?

Lovely.

So is death by drowning.

Where is everybody?

Make love.

Oh, yes, yes, make love.

Son, would you do me a favor and go buy me a newspaper?

There's a candy store about a mile down the road.

It's a long way. Okay?

All my life I've thought that you had to put out for what you get.

And here you are...

...Johnny Chicago, in this strange country...

...getting under my skin.

Who do you think I favor, Redford or Newman?

- Rhino. - Rhino, huh?

Rhino. Rhino.

You hit my hand. That's not nice.

The foreigners play like children.

We await your orders to destroy them.

Oh, put me down. Stop it.

Watch out. - Stop it.

- The time's right. - You'll never get a better chance.

I want you two to see how a real man does it.

There you go. Jones.

Come on, Pam. - Jones, I'm gonna get you, Jones.

Okay, Pam, keep a lookout. I only need a second.

Run, run.

Ah! Oh, no. Johnny!

Johnny, wait.

- She'll be back. - Hey, what's the matter with you? Let's go.

It's not her they want, it's these. Take a look.

What the hell's going on?

Either she's a double or a traitor.

Rangoon has sucked in both the North and the South.

He intends to double-cross them both.

If this gets out, Rangoon's life isn't worth a nickel.

We've got to help her.

They'll be back to trade.

It is the brave mouse who plays in a cat's ears.

Where are my letters?

I don't know.

I had them when I left.

We must do what we have to do.

I didn't know I was gonna fly a kite.

It's looking good, get it up a little higher.

All right, how's that? Fine.

Oh, they're in for a surprise.

Hey, catch.

You think these things will work?

Yeah, all you gotta do is light the fuse.

Fill the holes.

The girl for the letters.

Send one man with the letters.

You're doing all the talking. Come on in.

Trade, then kill them.

The minute she's past me, light the fuse.

Here, take a belt.

When you get to hell, look me up.

Hey.

I wouldn't turn my back if I were you.

Keep them going. Keep them going.

Come on, Rhino.

I love you, Rhino.

You know.

Yeah.

My real name is...

Pujo, sound the alarm.

Call out the guards.

You. You to the gate. You to the wall.

It's a cinch we won't be walking through the gates.

I've got an idea.

Yeah, let's disguise Chicago as a fish.

Or you as a whale.

Something like that.

Uh-oh.

Okay, everybody, split up. Have some fun, good luck, let's go.

Oh, here we go again.

Come on, come on, play.

Ow!

What are you stopping for?

Will you play?

Who told you to stop playing? Come on, play.

If you win, she dies, Mr. Jones.

Kill him.

Well done.

You continue to surprise me.

One has learned much when he has learned how to die.

Or how to live.

Ah!

Why do you keep staring at me?

I feel as though I know you.

Well, if you feel as though you know me, get in.

Fellas, you know what? You can take me off the payroll.

Miss Dunbar, I'm gonna tell you a story that will curl your pretty little hair.

Once upon a time, I got a call from Washington...

Johnny Chicago.

There goes a hell of a guy.

Now, let this be a lesson to you.

I mean, you can't treat women like they're guys with breasts.

Didn't your mother ever talk to you about a thing like this?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Come on, I got a surprise for you.

Look, man, I just want to catch the next plane out.

She's not looking for a guy like me.

You have to say goodbye.

Go on in and I'll be in in a minute.

You are invited for dinner and breakfast.

In my country, we do it my way.

Take off your shoes and come in.

And another Christian bites the dust.

Charge!

- Will you forget about the hat? We got... - Hey.

Hey.

What?