Original subtitles

[off-kilter music]

[Tim] Look, I always try and tell my wife the truth, okay?

But, obviously, I haven't always been able

to tell her the whole truth.

My name is Tim Faris.

This is my wife, Eve,

and our daughter, Mallory.

She's 15 now.

[grumbles] That's Dax. Lives next door.

Friend of Mallory's.

Just ignore him.

I work as a tour guide in Sedona,

a small town in Northern Arizona,

famous for its vast red rock formations,

hundreds of energy vortexes, or vortices, whatever,

for its beautiful dark skies,

but most of all for its constant UFO activity.

[man screams]

My own alien abduction story

starts 16 years ago... -[spaceship whooshes]

...just after Eve and I got married

and about nine months before Mallory was born.

To be honest, things weren't going well between Eve and me,

so when one drunken night

I met a beautiful woman with a spaceship,

well, it's not the kind of thing you can share with your wife.

On the other hand,

you shouldn't keep these kind

of things bottled up inside.

Luckily, I do have a place I can go

where I can relate to everyone.

I'm James, and I'm an abductee.

Hi, James.

I'm Kim, and I'm an abductee.

Hi, Kim.

It's been 24 hours

since my last abduction.

Hi, I'm Tim, and I'm an abductee.

What? I was abducted. I swear.

It's not an abduction

unless the spacecraft

actually lifts off.

That's so unfair.

[theme music]

[alien] Take us to your leader.

We come in peace.

[clears throat] I think I might stay home tonight.

I just love seeing their little faces light up

when I pass out the candy.

I don't want to miss that,

so I'm just going to stay home, okay?

-Okay. -But you can get me a Butterfinger. [chuckles]

-[alien] Ew, gross. -[chuckles]

[Mallory] Ugh.

How's it feel kissing an alien?

Oh, um, it feels just like kissing my wife

-except, you know, more purple. -[Eve chuckles]

-You sure you don't want to come? -Come on, Dad.

It just means more candy for us.

The bags are in the car.

[ignition clicks]

[hood bangs]

Next week me and my friends want to go picket the pet store

to stop selling live animals.

Will you take me?

You want them to start selling dead animals?

That doesn't sound very vegetarian.

[laughs] Dad!

Anyway, I'm not just a vegetarian, I'm vegan.

Vegan? You mean like Vegan, the star?

No, I mean vegan, like no animal products.

Oh. [chuckles]

Come on, we can walk.

-So, vegan, huh? -Mm-hmm.

[Tim] How long have you been vegan?

Since about four o'clock.

[Tim] Huh.

[whimsical music]

[Tim] I, I am really sorry

about the temporary accommodations back there.

So, follow the path to the top.

Where, exactly, are these things going to land?

Oh, well, well, it's very, very unlikely

that we'll see an actual UFO today, Mr. Halford,

but, uh, we visit sites where UFO landings have been reported,

so here's what we know based on abductees' reports.

Their technology is unbelievable.

Have you ever been abducted, mister?

Well, yes.

Yes, I have.

Cool, where did they take you?

Well, we didn't actually go anywhere.

That's not a real abduction.

[whimsical music]

[Tim] Let's take a look.

[whimsical music]

Uh, thanks for everything you do, Eve. [chuckles]

[Eve] Bye, Pastor Paul.

[ominous music]

I thought drinking was against your religion.

[Eve] Jesus turned water into wine.

I don't think he'd mind us having champagne for our anniversary.

A hundred bucks?

[birds chirping]

[Mallory] You don't own me, LOL.

The joke's on you.

You're my mother, not my jailer, mofo,

so hang up the Nazi attitude

and get me a cell phone.

-[groans] -[chuckles]

It's beautiful, dear.

Thank you.

You have a real gift for words.

[chuckles] Thanks, Grammy.

Are you comfy?

I'm fine.

I just love having you here to keep me company.

Do you know how old I was when I got my first cell phone?

63.

[Mallory chuckles]

[Eve] Mallory, dinner's ready.

Bags off the table, please.

[Tim] Oh.

Wow, this looks amazing.

[Eve] Vegetarian.

Absolutely no meat.

I'm vegan, so I don't eat eggs or dairy.

[fork clunks]

[Tim sighs]

For what we are about to receive,

may the Lord make us truly thankful.

Everybody's got one.

Not everyone.

What?

-A cell phone. -A cell phone.

Jeez, Dad, don't you pay any attention

to what's going on in the real world?

Mallory, do not use the Lord's name in vain.

What Lord's name? I didn't say anything.

[Eve] Abbreviations count, dear.

You mean "jeez"?

[laughs] Everybody says "jeez."

-It doesn't mean anything. -Mallory!

[grunts] OMG!

[napkin slams]

[chair scrapes]

[plate clinks]

[sighs]

You know what would be good with this?

Ketchup.

[whimsical music]

[eerie music]

[gasps]

[clunks]

[upbeat music]

Well, I appreciate the gesture,

but you don't have to kneel for me.

Andromeda?

[chuckles]

[Tim] Holy crap!

What are you doing here?

I don't know. I just dropped by to say hi.

[chuckles] What is this thing?

I-- I use it to attract aliens.

It's--

I can't believe this.

I never thought I'd see you again.

Yeah, but here I am in the flesh, so to speak.

I told you I'd come back.

15 years is a really long time.

How-- how did you even know where I live?

I'm an alien, dummy.

We know--

almost everything.

Almost.

Since you're here, I need you to come with me to a meeting,

so you can tell everybody about the abduction.

[laughs]

[clears throat] The abduction?

Oh, you mean when the,

yeah, no, um, there was no abduction, Tim.

We didn't go anywhere.

We can fix that right now if you want.

That would be awesome.

[Andromeda] Wouldn't it be?

Yes, come on. [laughs]

I-- I got about 20 minutes.

Oh, oh, no, no,

I'm talking about for the rest of your life.

[chuckles]

I can't do that.

[sighs]

You disappoint me, Tim.

Wouldn't be the first time.

Besides, you're not the only human I came to see.

[Tim] Wait, wait, Andromeda, wait.

Let's talk.

Okay, I want to make myself very clear.

Yeah, me too.

[pants]

[Eve] Dear?

Tim, shall I see if the hot tub is warm enough yet?

[Tim] Uh, uh, I'm on it. [pants]

Where are you?

Um, I'm dealing with a pest.

A rat?

Um, a skunk.

Um, no, no, you don't want to go down there.

It's, it's, it's, it's crazy.

I'll take care of it.

-Oh. Okay. -It's, it's, it's okay.

Now where were we?

No, stop it!

This is going to happen either my way or no way at all, okay?

Oh, my God, it is so super-cute when you try to be dominating, oh.

You're going to take me on a very quick trip to outer space

so that I can get pictures and prove it happened, okay?

Now, meet me tomorrow at noon

at the base of Thunder Mountain.

Do you understand?

[Eve] A skunk, huh? I don't smell anything.

[chuckles] No, weird, huh?

Must have been one of those albino skunks.

-[tarp whooshes] -[water splashes]

Ew, there's got to be a better way to cover it than this.

[gasps] Oh, I'm going to go get changed.

Do you remember when we used to be spontaneous?

[sighs] Yes, but we grew up, sweetie.

We have responsibilities now.

[water splashes]

Oh! Tim!

Okay, I can be spontaneous.

[Tim] Bring it.

Oh, oh!

-[water splashes] -[gasps] Oh.

Sit down. You'll be warmer.

Oh.

I baptize you in the name of

the alien race that came to Earth

that you call God.

Tim, oh, my gosh!

-That wasn't funny. -[laughs]

Say you're sorry.

[water splashes]

[giggles]

Oh!

Oh!

-I'm going to get you. -[laughs]

-Okay, okay, okay. -Oh, my gosh.

Truce, truce.

-You are crazy, Tim. -[pants] Truce.

-Oh. -Oh.

I'm going to have to do my hair again. [chuckles]

[sighs]

What do those look like to you?

[Eve] Jet trails.

[Tim] They look like numbers to me.

I-- I've been seeing 11/11 everywhere lately.

That's wonderful.

You don't mind?

[chuckles] Why would I mind?

It's just God reminding you of something important.

Thank you. I'm glad you see it like that.

[chuckles] Can you believe it's going to be 16 years next week?

[chuckles] I've invited a ton of people.

I told Mallory she can invite a friend or two.

You know, female, of course. [chuckles]

You know, in a couple of years

the conversation won't be about cell phones.

It'll be about cars.

[scoffs] Oh, please don't say that. [chuckles]

-Letting her... -I cannot handle that right now.

...letting her have a cell phone

doesn't mean she'll get pregnant.

But if she has a cell phone, she's going to--

[both breath heavily]

I just can't do that right now.

I'm sorry.

[Tim sighs]

[crickets chirping]

[Eve clears throat]

Every man I know pees standing up.

Well, it's your turn to clean it, then.

-I aim carefully. -I know you do,

but you're supposed to aim at the inside, not the outside.

-[Tim chuckles] -[gasps]

Ew!

Oh, ooh, ew, ew, ew, ew.

I want to go out. We're going to picket the pet store

to stop selling live animals.

Tim, can you take her, please?

I already have plans tonight.

Well, I would, but I have

a toilet to clean.

You know, this wouldn't be an issue

if you would just let her have a cell phone.

We wouldn't have to chaperone her around everywhere.

I am not willing to risk losing her.

Pastor Paul has really opened my eyes

to the dangers of modern communications.

Cell phones lead to texting.

Texting leads to dating.

Dating leads to pregnancy.

It's not worth it.

[Tim sighs]

[zipper zips]

[door tapping]

[giggles] Hello, lover!

-[upbeat music] -Hey!

[locks clank]

[Tim gasps]

Hello!

[bangs on door]

[Tim] Go away.

You better let me in.

I'm going to start making a scene out here.

You don't want that.

Hi.

I told you I'd meet you at Thunder Mountain.

Nice place you got here.

[chuckles] I love your style. [purrs]

Oh, oh, I need to see my daughter.

She's Eve's daughter now.

-You gave her up. -Oh, come on.

I, I, I really want to hang out with her, you know,

and, you know, kick it with her.

It's a little late for that.

Um, okay, look, how about--

how about you tell your wifey

that I am here doing a documentary

about Crock-Pots that believe in UFOs.

It's perfect.

Do you mean crackpots?

Oh, what's a Crock-Pot?

Oh, well, it's--

We don't have time for that.

-Eve's going to be home any minute now. -Okay, great.

Can she tell me what a Crock-Pot is?

No! No, just forget about videos, or photos, or...

[sighs] ...I'm not going to lie to my wife.

[laughs] It's a little late for that. [laughs]

You see what I did there?

I, I'll e-mail you some photos or something.

Just don't ever come back here,

and you do not get to see her.

Okay, but what if I take you

on a tour of the solar system?

[purrs] Because you like

-the solar-- -No, stop, stop.

[laughs]

-[gasps] Oh, my-- -Okey-dokey, well,

-um, yeah. -But give a second--

We'll definitely think about Mormonism

-and whether it might... -No.

-...be right for us. -Hold on a second.

-Hold on, I just-- -See you, bye.

-[Andromeda] Wait, wait. -[Tim] Bye.

Wow, you really got to admire people

with faith in such crazy ideas, right?

Are you ready?

Let's go picket.

Um, no, let's, let's go out the back door, um,

because actually it's such a nice night

and those crazy Mormons are out there.

[whimsical music]

[Tim] Good morning, sweetie.

[pad whooshes]

I've stopped speaking.

Why have you stopped speaking?

[whimsical music]

[Eve] Tim, would you like to come with me?

I'm sure Pastor Paul would really love to meet you.

[Tim] Well, Jesus said suffer the children,

so I'll stay home and make sure Mallory suffers.

-[Eve screams] -[screams] Oh, God!

-[Eve gasps] -[gasps] I'm sorry.

You, you left the door unlocked. I didn't think you'd mind.

Uh, there must be some misunderstanding.

-I have no, I-- -[footsteps thump]

-Tim? -What happened?

[all gasp]

Eve, this, this is Andromeda.

I-- I hadn't expected her to show up today.

[Eve] Oh.

She's here to interview me and Mallory.

Oh, why?

Well, I'm doing a documentary about UFOs,

and I wanted to interview his daughter

to find out what it was like living with a crackpot.

-Oh, a crackpot? -Yeah, that's what I said.

Oh... [laughs] I thought you meant Crock-Pots.

I can give you the good stories on both of those things,

but, um, I really have to go.

Maybe next time.

-Bye, hon. -Bye.

I'm very excited to film you in your documentary

for the UFO thing.

Um, what do I do?

Told you give me a few days.

What are you talking about?

I want to see my daughter.

You cannot tell Mallory who you are.

Oh, my gosh, you can't tell me what to do.

I'm begging you, please, just Eve can't find out, just,

just tell her you're, you're,

you're a... [stutters] friend of the family or something.

All right, whatever.

You-- you just say hello and then leave, okay?

[stutters] I don't know.

Okay?

[groans] Okay.

[Tim] Mallory. Oh, huh.

[Andromeda gasps]

There's someone I'd like you to meet.

Hi.

Oh, she can't speak.

Hold on.

I'm your mother.

What are you doing?

Oh, my gosh.

I, I, I was going to say

I'm your mother's friend.

Now the cat's out of the bag. Sorry.

She's your mother's friend.

No, stop lying.

I had sex with your father a long time ago, and, well,

-I guess-- -Will you please shut up?

I mean, you were drunk, but I, what?

[door slams]

When, when a man loves a woman very much,

but that woman is constantly depressed,

and that man goes to a party without that woman,

and gets really drunk...

[Mallory sobs]

You can't tell your other mother.

Thank you. Your sermons are so inspiring.

It's good to see you, Eve.

Thank you for all your service.

God is very grateful.

I enjoy it.

Perhaps you'd like to come by for lunch one day this week.

Oh, um, I'll see you at the food bank.

I'm really, really sorry, okay?

I wanted to tell you, but I just,

I didn't think you were quite old enough.

I'm not proud of what I did, okay?

I had a one-night stand with that woman, Andromeda.

Sex was just amazing, like mind-blowingly cosmic...

[Mallory sobs]

...and then nine months later

Andromeda shows up with this tiny wriggling pink thing.

I made up a story about you being abandoned by the creek.

Can't we just keep her for one night?

She's the most,

she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

We had just lost a baby,

but she saw you for the first time.

You healed her heart.

Please just hear me out.

Just, just one more, just tiny detail.

Andromeda is...

[sighs]

...is, is a vegan, Vegan, she, she... [sobs]

...I don't mean no animal products.

[spoon clunks]

Put your dish in the dishwasher.

We can do our animal rights protesting later, honey.

Come on, let's, let's go.

[off-kilter music]

All right, here we go.

Oh.

There you go.

All right, Mr. and Mrs...

Sophie Jones and Clint Lane.

You kept your maiden name.

-That's, that's cool. -I'm an actress.

I use it as my stage name.

Oh, cool, cool.

Okay, okay, right this way.

Um, so how long have you been married?

-Eight years. -Five years.

Oh, we're not married to each other.

We're having an affair.

We decided to have a weekend away.

The affair was in trouble.

She's exaggerating.

We're fine.

Affairs don't just happen, Clint.

You have to work at them.

Well, good news. It's felt like work recently.

This is the place where Daniel Wirtzuk

first encountered his,

the-- the extraterrestrials from the crashed ship.

I'm sure there's another woman.

You, you mean another other woman?

Exactly, another other woman.

The aliens, uh, will, will,

will see this from their spaceship

and think it's one of their own craft in distress.

We call it a bait ship.

I have another word for it.

I'd call it batshit.

At first the sex is great.

But then eventually you're just trapped by two women

instead of one.

Imagine being able to see how, how they live,

how they eat, how, how they reproduce.

Alien porn.

I'll stick around for that.

Should I?

[Clint scoffs]

Well... [chuckles] let's continue on, I guess, um.

Anyone ever tell you you look like that guy

from that singing show?

I'm incognito.

[harmonica honks]

Wow, that is you! Wow, that's cool!

That's great. I, I think you have a good chance, man.

Hey, I just joined the competition to get laid.

[sighs] I vaguely remember what that feels like.

Are you married, then?

16 years.

[sighs] We get married for the sex,

and what's the first thing that goes after the honeymoon?

Yeah, try losing a baby, too.

Aw, ouch.

That's why guys like us have to have affairs.

No, met a hot alien and didn't have enough willpower.

For real?

[whimsical music]

Did you film that, by any chance?

[stammers]

There you go.

[sighs]

¶ Your mind ¶

¶ About leaving ¶

¶ Leaving me behind ¶

¶ Oh baby ¶

¶ Bring it to me ¶

[remote clicks]

I wonder what the rest of that sentence was going to be.

Sorry?

Mallory's graffiti.

What do you think she was writing?

"You can't tell me what to do. You're..."

Not the boss of me?

Oh, you'll never guess who I gave a tour to today.

Hang on. I want to watch the rest of "American Voice Talent."

I missed Thursday's episode

and I want to see who gets knocked off.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

I just met one of the contestants, Clint Dwayne,

and I think we saw an actual UFO.

Pastor Paul says there's no such thing as aliens.

[pot thuds]

He says those creatures that, stoned rednecks see

when flying saucers land on their trailer,

are actually demons sent by Satan to tempt us.

[chuckles] Wow,

he sounds like he is really out there. [chuckles]

I thought we could have lunch on the patio.

You know, my allergies are kind of acting up.

I-- I think I'm going to stay inside.

Dax!

Dax, come here.

I-- I need your help.

I'm hoping you can defuse some of her anger.

She won't talk to me or her mother, Eve.

Whoa, have you gone blind?

Dude, this is really effed up.

Thank you for your diagnosis, doctor.

[Tim] Talk to her, please.

Just--

Hey, babe.

Did you see that?

She looked right at me.

I cured her blindness.

[whimsical music]

40 years and I have never gotten tired of that view.

How's Eve?

Fine, I guess.

How am I supposed to know?

If you are honest and kind with her,

she'll open up to you.

Do you still love her?

Of course I do.

Well, then show her once in a while.

[resolute music]

[sighs]

[whirring]

Ow!

[gasps] Tim,

-what are you doing? -Sh.

Sh, come with me.

What's going on?

Just trust me.

-Just follow me. -[chuckles]

Right this way.

[Eve] Okay.

[chuckles] Sit, sit.

Now you can look.

Wow, what's all this for?

I thought we could use a little romantic dinner for two.

For no reason?

For a very definite reason:

because I love you.

And what about Mallory?

I love her too, but she's not hungry.

She's staying in her room tonight.

I should go say hi.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

There's no need.

She's fine.

[thuds]

[sobs]

For an appetizer, may I suggest chocolate eclairs?

[Eve] Uh, chocolate eclairs for a starter?

Cheers.

[thuds]

[sobs]

May I recommend the strawberry cream cake galore.

[laughs] Oh.

Mm, I have to admit you played your cards right tonight.

This could be your lucky night.

[gasps]

For what he is about to receive,

may the Lord make him truly thankful.

[Eve sighs]

[sighs] Thank you for the meal, captain.

I loved it.

You're welcome, number one.

Would you like to explore my quarters?

[Eve sighs]

[sighs] Welcome to your final frontier.

Warp speed?

[screams] Mallory!

Uh, um, I was wondering how you were doing, sweetie.

Uh, uh.

[toy thuds]

What?

What in heaven's name is that about?

What is that?

Um, it looks like

it might be some kind of,

um, spycam.

Someone's spying on our family?

Doesn't that worry you?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Course it does.

I'm going to go to Walmart.

[sighs] They have to have a scanner, you know,

so that we can scan our house for bugs.

Yeah, I'm sure they got those.

They got everything, right? Um, but, um, um,

don't you have to go to the food bank in the morning?

You know what? I'll go.

You just get some sleep, you know?

[tires crunch]

[upbeat music]

Ha-ha! [laughs]

Hey, buddy, let's chat.

Let's catch up on old times.

Are you mad?

I'm a little frustrated, but that's not the point.

Make something up.

Get out!

Fine, if that's the way you want it.

-Hey, everybody! -Okay, okay, okay, okay!

[phone beeps]

[phone rings]

-[Eve] Hello? -[Tim] Hi, hon. Um,

hey, there seems to be

some kind of alien visitation happening, um--

[Eve] Really?

[Tim] So I might go by

and check that out, uh,

after I go to the store, okay?

[Eve] Okay,

-be careful. -Okay.

Love you.

-Was really good. -[Tim sighs]

Let's party.

[upbeat music]

[crickets chirping]

Why did we come here?

[pants] Why did you even come back?

And why am I seeing 11/11 everywhere now?

That's when I leave,

but you have to do something for me...

[pats blanket]

...right here.

I, I can't do anything with you.

I'm not talking about having sex with me, you big dummy.

Come on, I have come a long way to see you.

The least you could do is...

tell me about our daughter.

[Andromeda sighs]

[Tim] And then, in fifth grade, she made

-the honor roll. -That's amazing. So good.

You know, if, if I used the flux capacitors

to control the iambic pentameter,

we could be gone for three days, but come back,

like an hour or two after we leave.

[chuckles]

That would be fantastic! Oh!

Flux capacitors to control the iambic pentameter?

Yes, you don't have any words for our technology,

so I use words that earthlings can relate to, you know?

It's going to be centuries before you have a--

life-is-like- a-box-of-chocolates drive.

Chyea.

[upbeat music]

[Tim sighs]

[insects chirping]

[phone rings]

Hello?

James, I'm going into space,

and this time it will be undeniable.

James?

You do understand that Abductees Anonymous

is for people who want to stop being abducted?

I know, but... [sighs] you guys

are the only people I can really relate to.

Okay, Tim.

Just be sure to bring plenty of Vaseline.

-[upbeat music] -Vaseline?

Why?

[scoffs] You don't think. [scoffs]

No, no, no, no, Andromeda wouldn't do that.

Would she?

They all use probes, Tim.

Um, excuse me.

What aisle do you keep the Vaseline on?

11?

11.

[upbeat country music]

¶ A long time ago When my wife was depressed ¶

¶ I went to a party-- ¶

That's him. That's the guy I gave a tour to.

¶ I slept with an Alien and she gave birth ¶

¶ With me and my daughter ¶

Oh, I recognize him.

Wow, he was on your tour?

¶ My wife didn't know ¶

¶ That little baby was mine ¶

¶ We adopted her ¶

[Eve] This is catchy.

¶ And now everything's fine ¶

¶ But my wife's Lost all her sex drive ¶

¶ And I'm About to lose my mind ¶

-He's good. I want to vote for him. -¶ Her temperature ¶

-¶ Took a nosedive ¶ -Give me your phone.

¶ She's romantically ¶

¶ Disinclined ¶

¶ My wife's Lost all her sex drive ¶

-What's the number? -¶ And it just seems so unfair ¶

¶ My wife's Lost all her sex drive ¶

¶ She's as Frosty as a polar bear ¶

[Clint] Hi, this is Clint.

Leave your name and message.

Be right back to you.

Maybe.

[whimsical music]

Hi, this is Clint.

Leave your name and message.

Be right back to you.

Maybe.

[groans]

[Mallory scoffs]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What just went on here?

What did you say to her?

Lettuce, gone, a date.

[Mallory giggles]

You just invited my daughter on a date?

[zipper zips]

If you're going to start going out with boys

you're going to need one of these.

Activated and charged.

Do not tell your mother.

Call me before you get home.

I do not want your mom to find out

that you've been out without a chaperone.

[tires crunch]

[Tim] Just wait right here.

I, I, I, I'll be just a minute.

Hey, Clint.

Yeah?

Hey, nice job on the show last night.

Oh, hey, thanks, man.

Um, I, I just have a really quick question, um.

Where you do get the inspiration for all your songs?

Oh, you know, from life.

My life!

I, I, I told you those things in confidence

and you went on national television

and sang a song about my sex life?

Dude, it's just a song.

It's not a big deal.

And to make it worse, you tell the entire country

that my wife won't have sex with me.

Ah, nobody knows that was you.

You know, you're just making a mountain out of a molehill.

Just chill out, man.

Got to go, got to go.

Got some business to attend to. [chuckles]

[all giggle]

[Tim groans]

[door slams]

-[Tim yells] -[van thumps]

¶ We adopted her and Now everything's fine ¶

[man] I love this song!

[sings] ¶ But my wife's ¶

¶ Lost all her sex drive ¶

¶ And I'm just about ¶

¶ To lose my mind ¶

¶ Her temperature took A nosedive ¶

¶ She's Romantically disinclined ¶

-[plants rustle] -[birds chirping]

-Paul! -[Paul chuckles]

What a pleasant surprise.

I just happened to be in the neighborhood.

Well, why don't you have a seat?

Maybe I could get you some coffee or tea?

[laughs] Uh, I can't stay long.

Is your family home?

They're out and about, you know.

[Paul thumps seat]

[laughs] You know,

I've never actually met Tim. [chuckles]

I see him when he picks you up, but we've never spoken.

You know, he's out

looking for little green men. [chuckles]

We've talked about that before.

Those little green men are demons, Eve.

I'm sure he uses precautions.

Uh, uh, have you ever considered being with someone

who's more aligned with your spiritual beliefs?

Excuse me.

Well, well,

well, I, I, I, I, I know,

I, I, I, I'm sure that Tim was a good man once, but he--

What are you-- what are you suggesting?

-Jesus said that-- -Jesus schmeezus, just...

[Eve gasps]

...just give it some thought.

Oh!

-[vegetables thump] -Well,

your eternal soul is at stake.

[upbeat music]

[laughs] Hi!

[Eve] Hi.

Hi, um, Evelyn?

[Eve] It's Eve.

-Eve. -Yes.

-Hi. -Hi.

I am here to see if, um,

uh, Mallory, is that her name?

Um, if I could interview her about her dad.

Right, well, Tim and Mallory will be home soon,

so you can have a seat if you'd like.

Oh, great.

Thank you.

I'm just, Sunday night dinner, you know.

-[chuckles] -Cleaning the house.

So,

so when was the first time you realized

that your husband was crazy?

We were driving home late one night.

[Eve] This... [sighs]

...this was a long,

a long time ago, before Mallory came along.

Okay.

And we saw this light, both of us saw it, a bright light.

It was really fast and...

changing all different directions in the sky,

and I was pregnant at the time, about 8 and a half months.

-Aw. [chuckles] -Yeah.

Tim decided to run after that light.

-[Andromeda laughs] -Crazy, right?

Yeah, so he left me alone in the car all by myself.

Two days later the baby was stillborn.

-Oh. -Yeah, and,

sometimes think that maybe that light

had something to do with me losing the baby.

Is that why you think aliens are demons?

Um, Tim told me that you thought that.

Um, Pastor Paul, he teaches us on the devil's minions.

It makes sense.

Not much else has since then.

Of course, right.

I lost my baby too.

[soft music]

Really?

Yeah.

So sorry.

I think about my baby every day.

Can I pray with you about it?

It always helps me.

Oh, gosh, I just did that

right when I was pulling up.

Oh, God, I just,

yeah, I'm not going to pray again for another...

[scoffs] you know, like four hours.

Oh, right, okay.

You know, why don't you just stay for dinner?

-[gasps] -It'd be no trouble at all, you know?

And afterwards you can interview Mallory.

Oh, thank you, that would... -For your film.

...that would be great. Thank you so much.

Yeah, and we could talk.

-Sure. -Pray afterwards.

[both laugh]

What's for dinner?

[off-kilter music]

Now, now from this shot

we can see the same disdain for a parent

that we find among young humans.

So in other words, your half-alien hybrid

has absolutely no distinguishing features.

Exactly!

Isn't that amazing?

-Oh, man. -[abductees grumble]

[laughs] Um,

my dad says that I'm...

half alien.

No way, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

He, he feels that my mother, my birth mother is Andromeda,

and my dad says that she's from Vega.

That means you have special powers and shit.

[laughs] Maybe.

Guess you're going to have to wait to see. [chuckles]

[Mallory whispers]

-[van door slams] -See you tomorrow.

No, no, stay for dinner.

Do you think your mom would be okay with that?

Well, afterwards we can.

[Tim clears throat]

[Iris gasps]

Okay, so we've been together all afternoon, remember?

We go in together.

Tim!

[sighs] You don't understand, Mom.

I'm not lying for you.

You're speaking again.

Oh, that's great.

Your mother will ground you for a year

when she finds out what you've been up to.

I'm sure it's your ass you want to protect.

What did you just say?

-Grammy! -Oh, mwah!

[Dax] Why are we telling Mrs. Faris

that we spent the whole afternoon together?

-Excuse me? -[Dax laughs]

I'd like this young man to stay for dinner.

I-- I hope you don't mind.

¶ And sit back and chill ¶

¶ While seeking signs ¶

¶ Of alien's number ¶

¶ You spend the night ¶

¶ With Androme-- ¶

Yeah, we don't need that noise.

We, we've got guests.

-[doorbell dings] -Ooh, I'll get it.

[footsteps clop]

-Pastor Paul, go away. -I, I, I thought you might like me to meet your family.

-Maybe another time. -[Tim] Who is it?

So nice to meet you finally, Tim.

-Serve the beans. -[Paul chuckles]

Uh, Pastor Paul came by to say hello

and see how we all are,

but he can't stay long.

There's nothing urgent.

Looks like you made plenty of food, Eve.

[Eve sighs]

Who's going to say grace?

-Oh. -Uh, uh, Tim.

You're the spiritual head of the household, you know?

Um, sure.

Um, okay, so, um,

in the beginning God said, "Let there be light,"

and, and then he said, "Don't put that light under a bushel

because it might catch fire,"

and then the burning bushel told Moses to leave Egypt

after 40 years of fasting,

so goddamn, are we grateful for this meal, right?

Goddamn, yes.

[Andromeda claps]

[all] Amen.

Amen.

Uh, so, Andromeda, is this?

Yes, that's right.

What do you do?

Uh, she's making a video.

About people with crazy beliefs.

Yeah.

[scoffs] She certainly

came to the right house.

[laughs] Oh, Mallory, I have something for you.

I think you're going to really like it. [chuckles]

¶ Dun duh-duh-duh-duh dun duh-duh-dun dun ¶

Seitan! [laughs]

[chocks]

Be gone from this house, evil one.

[Andromeda] Yeah, it's, it's, it's seitan.

It's, um, it's a Vegan delicacy.

She means vegan.

[Andromeda] No, I don't.

Is that that stuff made from the other stuff?

Exactly, wheat gluten, yeah, good, yeah.

I, I thought it was,

I thought you meant something else.

Yeah, Satan, unfortunate name.

Yeah, yeah, kind of like Ashley for a boy's name.

Oh, Mallory, are you still protesting animal rights?

-Mm-hmm. -[laughs] That's my girl.

-Yes! -[Tim clears throat]

You okay?

-Something in your throat? -[Tim] Yeah.

Okay. [sighs]

Did you make the beans in a Crock-Pot?

[device beeps]

So you got secret plans tonight?

[eerie music]

So you're my real mom.

Yes, I am.

Are you seriously an alien?

Seriously.

Does that mean that I'll have, like, special powers?

Well, you'll have an innate flexibility

that'll make you a hit at swingers parties.

-Ah. -Yeah, it's fun.

Why did you get rid of me?

I didn't get rid of you. You're just better here.

You,

do you think I'll have pink hair like you do?

Here's the cool part. When we get home,

you can pick whatever hair color you want.

Home?

Yeah.

You think that you could just come here from outer space

and take me away?

I'm not going anywhere with you.

This is my home.

You can't just have me now.

I see you got the drama gene from your father.

What is it with this family?

[Dax] Hey, babe.

-Paul, you have to go. -But--

-No, I, but-- -I am married.

You need to find someone who's available.

[stutters] You're right.

[sighs] I, I'm sorry.

For the love of God, divorce him and marry me.

[door slams]

[locks clack]

Oh, my God.

[crickets chirping]

[clears throat] Excuse me.

Um, I don't suppose you could give me a ride, could you?

My car won't start.

Yeah, no, I, um,

I'm about to have some quality time with my daughter,

-so maybe Eve can do that for you. -Your daughter?

-Yeah. -You mean...

Yeah.

Mom's the word, father.

Father would be Catholic.

I'm, I'm not a priest.

-Hmm? -I--

No, I don't care.

[footsteps crunch]

[yawns] Huh, it's late. [chuckles]

We should get you home.

It doesn't seem late at all to me.

-Well, it's later than it seems. -[scoffs]

Hon, can you take Mom home for me?

Uh, I've got dishes to do.

I've got that interview with Andromeda.

-[Iris] Tim! -Oh!

I'll take you, Iris.

You can do the dishes.

-[Iris scoffs] -Yeah,

bye, Mom.

Yeah.

-This will be nice. -Yes.

I've had enough of his ugly mug to last me a lifetime.

[crickets chirping]

Andromeda.

I hate to impose.

My car broke down.

We don't mind...

-Great. -..do we, Eve?

[Paul] All right.

Okay.

Do you remember how tiny Mallory was

when we took her to Slide Rock?

Yeah, she called it "Swide Wock." [laughs]

I can't believe how grown-up she is now.

She'll always be my baby.

[Iris] But she's very independent.

Oh yeah, she wants to be,

but one of us goes everywhere with her.

-It's just not safe out there. -Surely she'd be safer

if she had a cell phone.

[tires screech]

[wheelchair thuds]

What's she been saying?

You can't hang on forever, dear.

Believe me.

In the end, the only thing you'll get is resentment.

[van roars]

[wheelchair clunks]

[Eve sighs]

Andromeda!

[upbeat music]

[moans] Hello, you big stud.

[laughs] Which side of the bed do you want?

This side right here,

or do you want this side

right here because you can have any side.

-Get out! -Oh, stop it.

Frigidaire doesn't have to know anything about this.

Don't talk about my wife that way.

[laughs] Well, she's not exactly a Hotpoint, is she?

You know, it may come as a surprise to you, but on this planet

people aren't just appliances you can use and then discard.

Wait a second. Is that a Jean-Luc Picard quote?

I'm going to update my Spacebook status. [laughs]

No, seriously, do you want some fizzy wine?

Why aren't you with Mallory?

You finally had an opportunity.

Mm, I don't know. I guess I found someone else that I'd rather talk to.

What are you doing?

-Jeez. -Where are you going?

Oh, God, your butt is so cute.

I remember you told me once that Mallory is adopted.

You're an embarrassment to your profession.

You did a good thing taking in

-someone else's child. -Oh, you preach

on the sanctity of marriage

and then you suggest I divorce Tim?

That's hypocrisy.

I'm against hypocrisy,

but I guess it's okay once in a while.

That's a joke.

Wow, tough crowd.

Why do you care who gave birth to Mallory?

Never mind.

You think that means I should dump her

like you think I should dump Tim?

I-- I'm sorry for what I said. [sighs]

I think you're wonderful,

and I'm very envious of Tim.

Isn't that one of the seven deadly sins?

I don't think there was any specific mention

of Tim in those.

-Alright, alright, time to go. -I know why.

-Come on, come on. -No, but I don't want to go.

Okay, come on.

Oh, my God, I love this. This is so cute.

-Oh, my gosh. -Come on, let's go.

Hey, do you think I'm going to be

from being miserable like that one day?

Beauty's in the eye of the beholder. Come on.

[laughs] That's just ugly-person propaganda. What are you doing?

-Shit, that's going to be Eve. -[laughs and thuds]

-[laughs] Wait. Oh, my God. -Come on, come on. Let's go spend some

-quality time with Mallory. -You are so cute. [laughs]

This is your chance.

[Andromeda laughs]

Aw.

No, no, no, no, no. [laughs]

[Mallory giggles]

[soft upbeat music]

What have you two been doing?

Dad, I'm wearing a bikini.

Chill.

Your mother will have a fit

if she thinks I let you into the hot tub with a boy.

Oh, thanks for your concern, Dad, but Dax isn't a boy.

-He's my boyfriend. -Oh, that makes it so much more palatable.

Put your clothes on, both of you.

Go home, Dax.

I, I just want you to know my intentions towards your daughter

are strictly horn-erary.

I mean honorary.

Honorable?

That too.

What were you thinking?

[spaceship whirs]

You'd better hope we get this cover back on

before your mother gets home.

What do you think? Do you like it?

It'll keep the rain from puddling like it does on the tarp.

[spaceship roars]

-[Tim gasps] -[spaceship hums]

Thank you, Mother Sky. [chuckles]

Where's my phone?

Where's my camera?

Oh, no, no, honey. It's okay,

it's okay. We're safe.

Just leave it to me, okay?

It's an honor to meet you.

This'll be a quick trip, right?

Uh, my wife will be home any minute now.

Do I have time to get my Vaseline?

Okay, okay, just stay here. Don't, don't move.

Don't go anywhere, okay?

[Mallory] Dad!

[spaceship whirs]

[spaceship whooshes]

[spaceship hisses]

[spaceship hums]

[spaceship roars]

No!

You've got the wrong person!

Eve is going to be home any minute now.

I've got to rescue Mallory now.

Yeah, good luck with that. Let me know how it goes.

You're going to help me.

[laughs] No way, it's a waste of time.

You're never going to be able to track them down,

so see, we need to start over.

Start over?

Yeah, make another baby.

You see, I'm only here for one more day,

and my cosmic clock is ticking,

so I really need your tock.

We have to find another ship so we can follow them.

That's not going to happen.

We have to find a way to save our daughter.

[laughs] Oh, okay, now all of a sudden it's our daughter?

Relax.

She's going to be fine.

[Eve] I'm home.

Stay in here and don't come anywhere

under any circumstances.

Do you understand me?

Yes, I understand you,

but she's the one that suggested that I conduct interviews.

She did not suggest

that you drink an entire bottle of expensive champagne

and then try to seduce her husband.

Yeah, you're kind of right about that.

She's not that imaginative. [chuckles]

[screams]

Oh, thanks for doing the dishes. [sighs]

I thought Andromeda would still be here

doing her interviews.

Uh, she, she went home

to, to get a different video camera.

Is Mallory in her room?

Uh, probably.

I'll go check on her.

I'll go with you.

Have I told you how much I just love you?

Oh, Tim. [sighs]

[knocks on door]

Mallory, are you okay in there?

[Tim] Are you okay in there?

Listen, Mal, I'm sorry

that I've been so hard on you lately.

I'll try to relax a little and let you live your life, okay?

No, no, no, no. Why don't we just, why don't we just let her have her privacy?

-We don't want to overstay our welcome. -[sighs]

Uh, uh, uh, James, it's Tim.

[stutters] Listen, I need your help.

My daughter's been abducted.

Sorry, Tim, but this is Abductees Anonymous.

What you need is, is Abduct-Anon

for families and friends of abductees.

Ugh, dammit!

Andromeda.

Andromeda, I need your help.

[wild festive music]

Come dance with me! [screams and thuds]

What are you doing?

[Andromeda] I'm dancing, man.

Come dance with me. Come.

[Eve] Timothy?

-What's going on? I heard music. -Nothing, nothing.

I was just trying to set an alarm, and, um, I messed up.

You know how I am. [chuckles]

So what is today's affirmation?

Oh, I'll go check.

Yeah, let's.

Okay, something--

Oh, oh, you know what?

I-- I forgot my cell phone back upstairs.

I-- I'll be right back.

[off-kilter music]

[Andromeda] Wha!

Andromeda, well, thanks for coming back.

That was, uh, that was, that was really quick.

Yes, my, my hotel is very close to the home,

so... [snaps fingers] I got here very fast.

[Andromeda giggles]

[sighs] Hey, what's that?

-[Tim] A map. -[Andromeda giggles]

Shows the way back to Earth.

It looks like it's an invitation

to a crazy sex orgy. [giggles]

Is that Vaseline,

because you're going to need it for the sex orgy. [giggles]

God, would you lighten up?

The-- the acoustics are so much better in there

for the interview that we just filmed.

Oh, where's your camera?

I have a spycam in my bra,

so do you want to see it?

-Uh, a spycam? -Yeah.

-You use spycams? -Mm-hmm.

You're the one who's been spying on our daughter,

Mallory? Get out!

I would never spy on my daughter.

[stutters] That's, that's just an expression.

Obviously, she doesn't mean her daughter.

-Sh-- -Get the heck out of my house!

[laughs] Oh, my God, you can't say hell. Just try it.

Just... [laughs] please, say hell.

Hell, get the hell out.

It's like hello, without the O,

which you should know because you stopped having sex with your husband,

-so. [laughs] -[Eve gasps]

[Eve] Tim.

-I-- I didn't say a word to her. -You know what?

We have a very, very fulfilling love life.

Ooh, I'm hot. [giggles]

Not that's it's any of your gosh-darn business.

Goddamn!

It's Goddamn, woman.

Come on, you can say that.

Now, he didn't tell me anything.

It was, uh, Clint,

and he's been singing about your frigid-idity all over

national television.

What the eff are you talking about?

Okay, Andromeda, time to go.

Well, you should probably listen.

¶ My wife Lost all her sex drive ¶

Why are you taking her to the back door?

¶ And I'm About to lose my mind ¶

Because it's, it's the nearest exit.

-¶ Duh duh dun dun ¶ -Get her the heck

out of here.

The hell, the hell out!

¶ Lost all her sex drive ¶

[screams]

¶ And I'm About to lose my mind ¶

I-- I, I think it was the hot tub that attracted the UFO.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

The aliens probably wanted a nice warm soak.

I, I, I think it had something to do with the shape of...

[spaceship whirs]

-[spaceship bangs] -[Tim gasps]

[spaceship hums]

Do you think that's the same one?

No.

Come on, come on, let's go, come on.

[sighs] Oh, have you seen Mallory?

No, I came to study with her.

Mallory and Tim are missing.

[off-kilter music]

[spaceship whooshes]

Where are the captain's chairs?

And what about navigation controls and the huge monitors?

Where's Mallory?

Tea, Earl Grey, hot.

When they bring us food,

we're going to have to attack them and break out.

What makes you think they're going to bring us food?

They have to take care of our basic needs, don't they?

Isn't there some kind of cosmic

galactic Geneva Convention or something?

Maybe this is the holodeck.

Mm-hmm.

Computer, take me to Earth, 21st century.

[phone beeps]

[laughs] Wow, look at that.

Verizon really expanded their network, huh?

You going to answer it?

Eve?

Oh, my God, Tim.

Where the hell are you?

Um, I'm just doing research

on, on alien lifestyles.

I'll, I'll be home soon.

You have Mallory, right?

Absolutely.

You abduct our daughter, you stay out all night,

and you don't answer your phone.

Are you trying to kill me?

I'm sorry.

I must have been in a bad reception area.

Oh, and that bitch that's been spying on us.

You know, I found four other cameras planted in this house.

-Is she with you? -Andromeda?

-Oh, hi! -No, no, she's, she's not, she's not with me.

-The party's in two hours. -Party?

I was sure you wouldn't forget this year.

You said you'd been seeing signs from God.

I did?

That doesn't sound like me.

Reminders of our anniversary, 11/11.

Of course.

No, no, I didn't forget.

Happy anniversary, honey.

I'll be home before the party.

I promise.

Happy anniversary. [sighs]

If I ever make it home, my wife is going to kill me.

Well, if she doesn't kill you, the roaming charges will.

[giggles] See what I did there?

But I don't understand.

We've only been gone a few minutes,

but, but she says I've been out all night.

Mm-hmm.

And, and how was I able to get that call?

She says I haven't been answering my phone.

Yeah, well, I apologize

for the crappy reception

in outer space. [giggles]

Now see, if we're traveling near the speed of light,

time is going to move much slower for us.

That's the opposite of what I wanted to happen.

Yeah, I guess you haven't caught up on your Einstein,

have you?

[spaceship whooshes]

[upbeat music]

You have to let us out.

We're going to die in here.

And you call this an abduction?

Even the grays could do better than this.

[Mallory] Dad!

Mallory!

[Mallory] I'm in here, Dad.

Stay right where you are.

I'm coming for you.

Crap!

[Mallory] Dad!

Don't just sit there, come help me.

[portal whooshes]

-Mallory. -Dad!

[Tim grunts]

Dad!

-[gasps] -Are you okay?

I think so. [gasps]

[hands clap]

Tea, Earl Grey, hot.

[control panel tinkles]

Okay, we need to come up with a plan, okay?

-[holodeck whirs] -[Tim gasps]

Dad! [gasps]

Oh, good, a free colonoscopy. [laughs insanely]

Oh, I know.

I have Vaseline.

Come on, come on, Dad. [gasps]

[Mallory screams]

[boots sizzle]

Thanks, Dad. [sobs]

Okay, okay now, now what do we do?

Do you still have your cell phone?

Yeah, yeah, here, okay, okay.

[phone camera clicks]

All right, okay.

[gasps] Oh, oh, we need to get out of here.

-Straight through that door, now! -Okay.

[control panel buzzes]

[doors thud]

The one on the right.

[control panel buzzes]

[doors thud]

[gasps] They understand English.

Or maybe, maybe they can read our thoughts.

Nope, I just thought of the one behind me, and nothing happened.

-[doors whir] -[doors thud]

Probs not abbrevs.

[controls tinkle]

[gasps] Probs not abbrevs.

Are you saying?

-Def, def, okay. -[gasps]

I'm JFM.

What the, what is JFM?

What does that mean? I, I, I--

If I tell you, it defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

Yeah, but I've never heard that one before,

so how am I supposed to know what you're saying

if I don't know what you're saying?

I just made it up.

I don't know any abbreviations

for escaping from alien torture chambers.

JFM, just follow me.

SMH.

What does that mean?

Try to work it out.

-Smell my hair? -No!

No, um--

-No. -Shake my hips.

-How's that going to help? -[Mallory groans]

We are so dead.

[solemn music]

I'm so sorry about Tim.

I knew he was a nutcase, but we all loved him so much.

[Mallory gasps]

[Tim] The one on the left.

[control panel tinkle]

[Tim groans]

[laughs] Well, um, guess we don't have to worry

about having too much choice anymore.

[control panel tinkles]

-[Tim groans] -[Mallory gasps]

Timothy, he did not,

the urgings of his wife and pastor,

he danced with the devil, and the devil slipped him a roofie

because that's what he does.

[Mallory] Well, now what?

Give me your phone again.

Okay.

[Paul] And forsaken easy fodder

for demons to feast upon.

-[Eve] Yes? -It's me.

Tim?

Oh, oh, my God,

oh, my God, Tim, we are at your memorials, you and Mallory.

What are you talking about?

We, we waited nine months,

but we finally had to admit that you were dead.

Is Mallory okay?

Yeah, she's fine. Um, listen, we need your help.

Computer, cut communications booster.

-The hot-- -Hot.

Tim?

[Tim groans]

The hot what?

Hot, hot what?

Iris?

Oh, Tim, oh, hot.

Hot what?

Oh, hot what?

Oh, God.

Hot tub, hot tub.

Okay, hot tub.

What about the hot tub? [gasps]

Come on, hot tub.

Tim!

[spaceship whooshes]

[spaceship tinkles]

[alarm blares]

Computer, disable automatic distress response.

[computer] I'm sorry, Andromeda, I can't do that.

What? The authorization code is 5756.

It is a hot tub, not a flying saucer, you idiot.

Do not respond.

[computer] Responding.

[spaceship whirs]

[water splashes]

What?

Tim! [gasps]

[computer] I'm sorry, Andromeda. You're not authorized

to cancel a distressed spacecraft emergency response.

-[groans] -[speaks in alien language]

[dog barks]

[spaceship hums]

God, please help me. [gasps]

Have you got my family in there, you bastards?

Oh, no, no. [grunts]

[spaceship whirs]

[computer] Emergency, liftoff failure.

Unable to pressurize.

[spaceship whooshes]

Entry tube jammed.

Unable to ascend.

[Andromeda groans]

Dad!

[Mallory grunts]

-[Tim] Go! -[gasps]

[computer] Security alert, medical bay doors open.

[gasps] I'm going to go get help.

[Tim] Save yourself. Go find

Andromeda. She'll help you.

What?

-[zipper zips] -[Tim breaths heavily]

-[door whooshes] -Hey, I like your style.

You?

[giggles] Yeah, it's me.

It's been me all along.

You abducted my daughter?

Well, technically she's our daughter,

so how about this?

Why don't you come with me,

and we can all go as a happy family?

-Go to hell. -Oh, stop it, you big baby.

I'm offering you lots of cosmic sex.

Okay, you know what? It's not working on your anymore, is it?

All right, fine.

Listen, truth, um, my race is dying,

and I need an infusion of DNA

from a primitive humanoid species to strengthen our DNA,

got it?

You were going to extract her DNA?

Well, no, no, see the original plan was

you were supposed to come to Vega with me, and we were going to mate

and produce hybridized offspring with your pure DNA,

and everybody was going to be happy,

and I was going to be a hero, boop, boop, boop,

but that didn't happen,

and yet the elders still granted me

a second visit down here

to see if I could get you or Mallory

to come home with me...

[sighs] but you weren't leaving your wife.

I asked Mallory if she would be

willing to come back and live with me, and--

So you just kidnapped her?

No, I, I tried, but the elders have this hard fast rule

of no forced abductions... [laughs]

...you know, so that's why we couldn't leave the solar system

when Mallory was held captive.

If I fail at this mission,

there's not going to be any of us left,

and I'm failing miserably.

It's not too late.

There, there are thousands of men on Earth that would,

would do anything for a woman like you,

but it can't be me.

I'm in love with Eve.

Wait.

Look, I, um,

I need to tell you something. I don't know

if this is going to help clear your conscience, but...

you weren't just drunk when you had sex with me.

I drugged you.

You wouldn't even have sex with me when you were wasted,

and, um,

I guess I just want to say I'm, I'm really sorry.

[birds chirping]

[Mallory sighs]

[dramatic music]

[Eve sobs]

Oh, oh, for heaven's sake.

You got to take a shower and get some clothes on.

There's some things I need to tell you.

No, it's okay.

You know?

I saw it in your face the night it happened.

I didn't realize it was Andromeda,

but I knew you'd slept with somebody.

All this time and you never said a word?

I didn't know what to say.

I just bottled it up inside.

I withdrew from you, and I went a little bit crazy.

I'm sorry.

-Oh. -I'm so sorry.

If you hadn't have slept with Andromeda,

we wouldn't have Mallory,

and I would not give up

our family for the world.

[Tim sobs]

[sobs] Oh, Tim.

[guests chattering]

I had to buy another bottle of champagne.

I still can't figure out what happened to the one we bought last year.

Andromeda drank it.

Thank you for being honest.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Can you believe it's been 17 years of marriage?

It's been 16 for me.

Damn Einstein!

[off-kilter music]

[door slams]

We have a year's worth of sex to make up in one night,

but first let's only once, since,

well, I think that's going to change

because your sins have been forgiven. [chuckles]

[both breath heavily]

[Mallory giggles]

Hey!

You watch where that tongue is going, young man.

JK.

[chuckles] Not really.

Shut up, Mom.

I am ROFLMAO. [laughs]

Do you even know what that means?

Oh, honey.

Semicolon, hyphen, closed parentheses.

Mom, you can't say that.

The winky face only works when you type it.

Ooh, I hear our special guest outside.

Let's go dancing!

[upbeat music]

TGYL. [giggles]

¶ Sittin' in the sunshine ¶

¶ Starin' at the blue sky ¶

¶ I ain't got no problems ¶

¶ I guess I Must have forgot 'em ¶

¶ I got all I'll ever need ¶

¶ With you keepin' me company ¶

¶ Here in our very own ¶

¶ Little piece of heaven ¶

¶ A little piece of heaven ¶

¶ See the smile on my face ¶

¶ No longer running In that race ¶

-I'm James, and I'm an abductee. -[all] Hi, James.

[Laura] I'm Laura, and I'm an abductee.

[all] Hi, Laura.

Hi, I'm Tim, and I am an abductee.

[abductees clap]

Whoo!

Yeah!

¶ Though we Don't live on Easy Street ¶

¶ But life Has never been so sweet ¶

¶ I've got all I'll ever need ¶

¶ With you keepin' me company ¶

¶ Here in our very own ¶

¶ Little piece of heaven ¶

¶ A little piece of heaven ¶

[Paul] God, I feel like a, I feel like a kid again.

Yeah! [laughs]

It's the second coming.

It's beautiful, and you're beautiful, and I'm beautiful.

[Andromeda] Come on, Father, or should I call you Daddy?

[Andromeda purrs]

[spaceship whooshes]

¶ Miracles are all around me ¶

¶ I don't have to look too far ¶

¶ Sometimes What we're searching for ¶

¶ You find it In your own backyard ¶

¶ Little piece of heaven ¶

¶ Everything is all right ¶

¶ Peaceful in the twilight ¶

¶ With an angel by my side ¶

¶ Never been more satisfied ¶

¶ I got all I'll ever need ¶

¶ With you keepin' me company ¶

¶ Here in our very own ¶

¶ Little piece of heaven ¶

¶ A little piece of heaven ¶

¶ Everything is all right ¶

¶ Little piece of heaven ¶

¶ A little piece of heaven ¶

[off-kilter music]