Original subtitles

Anybody could have sneaked up the stairs, knocked on the door

When Jerome opened the door, they shot him and went right back downstairs again

At the time of the crime, you said you were performing the water tank trick

COLUMBO: You're not really in that cube, right?

Where was I last night when Jesse Jerome got it?

Was I here

or was I there?

You see, what we have to remember

is that Mr Santini is a master of illusion

You could create the illusion of being somewhere while you were not

If you know what you're doing

Good afternoon, sir How are you, George?

Hey, that was quite a night we had last night

Yeah, wasn't it?

It's good having you back

Oh, it's great to be back

Oh, Mr Jerome was looking for you a while back, sir

Huh?

Seemed important

Uhhuh Everything is important to him

Could you do me a favor, sir?

Sure, name it

Could you make him disappear?

Don't tell him I said it

Oh, trust me, you're safe

I'll tell you what One night, George, just you and I together,

we'll go out and have a couple of jars

You're on, sir

HARRY: Santini's packing them in, Jesse, but I need more help

JEROME: The kitchen is your responsibility, Harry Do as you wish

Of course it's my responsibility, but good help is hard to find

Harry, Harry Don't bother me with trivialities

Solve your problems and leave me be

Santini

It's good to have you back

Harry Good to be back

Harry, be a good fellow, shut the door on your way out

George said you wanted to see me

Have a shrimp Magnificent

From a special bed off the Yucat�n coast I have them flown in

Thank you, no

Tell me, Santini,

last month, before you left for New York,

you didn't by chance break into this office

and search through my effects?

What a silly question Of course I did

And I stole your Ren�, your Picasso, and got a lovely price for your Rubens

You know I didn't

I thought not

It was dreadful of me even to suggest it

Thank you

Speaking of New York,

I take it that this, too,

is some sort of joke

$5,000 is hardly a joke

Come, come, dear friend

I've assimilated the rudiments of arithmetic

Your eastern tour netted $100,000, 500% of which is

50% of which is $5,000

50%? Mmmhmm

No, no, dear man

We've been over this before

Jerome,

I'm bored with you bleeding me

I'm afraid we're going to have to make a change in our little arrangement

There are no changes

Sergeant Mueller

You see how the very mention of that name renders you completely helpless

You keep forgetting

that I know who you are

and where you came from

I was 21 I was merely a boy

No one in the SS was merely a boy, Mueller

No one in the camps was just a boy

Unless he was being taken into the oven

Don't misunderstand me

If you push me,

I will tell the newspapers, the lmmigration Service the Israelis

Yes, the Israelis Oh, how they'd love to get their hands on you

I think not

I'm far too valuable to you

You call that value? Mmmhmm

I'd do much better turning you in right now while I still have the chance,

before you break in here again, trying to find the old man's letter

And don't deny that it was you

Jerome, you really are an animal

You're lucky

I'm a businessman

When that old man recognized you last year,

didn't I give you the money to keep him quiet?

That was good business

And when he died and I realized that I was the only one who knew,

well, that was very good business, too

That's why we're such a good team, you and I

You know, you do rather well considering the circumstances

Certainly better than spending the rest of your life in an Israeli prison

I urge you to look at it realistically

Have the other $45,000 for me tonight before the performance

or, believe me,

it'll be your last performance anywhere

Heil Hitler!

Have the money for me before the show

(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

DELLA: Danny, cut it out

(LAUGHING) Go rehearse or something

DANNY: I've done that already

Young man

Very good

But if you're going to seduce my daughter,

at least have the decency and the courtesy

to close the door of my dressing room

Sir, I'm sorry

On second thought, it's probably to my advantage

to watch your ritualistic mating

At least that way I can see how far you've gone in the open

Oh, Dad

See you later? Maybe grab a late supper after the show?

DELLA: Where?

DANNY: Mama Lucia's

Sure Pick me up around midnight

Right

Dad, I'm going to continue seeing him

We'll discuss your taste later

At the moment, I'd like to check the props, daughter

Yes, Father

(MUSIC PLAYING)

DANNY: (SINGING) When we played our charade

We were like children posing

Playing at games

Acting out names,

Guessing the parts we played

Oh, what a hit we made

We came on next to closing

Best on the bills

Lovers until

We took in a bundle tonight, Mr Jerome

Did Santini ask for me?

No, sir

Fate seemed to pull the strings

I turned and you were gone

While from the darkened wings

The music box played on

Sad little serenade

Song of my hearts composing

I hear it still

I always will

Best on the bills

I got to see my agent about that job in Vegas

Hey, have a good show See you at midnight

Okay

And now, ladies and gentlemen, once again to thrill and mystify you,

The Cabaret of Magic is proud to present

the magnificent illusions of The Great Santini!

(DRUMS ROLLING)

(CYMBALS CRASH)

(DRUMS PLAYING)

WOMAN: Oh! Thank you

Thank you

Ladies and gentlemen, each evening here at The Cabaret of Magic,

we like to

We like to have you participate in our show

We ask for a volunteer

to help Santini In the back, yes, of course

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(DRUMS ROLLING)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

What about a nice hand for Mr and Mrs Right?

Thank you

ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen,

The Cabaret of Magic is proud to present

The Great Santinis world famous water tank illusion

(TAPPING)

When this cube is shut, bolted and chained,

it will be hermetically sealed

with the Great Santini inside of it

There will remain only five cubic feet of oxygen,

adequate to keep him alive for just nine minutes and 12 seconds

(CHAINS RATTLING)

To guarantee that the Great Santini cannot get out of the cube,

it will be suspended in the tank of water while the time runs out

ASSISTANT: Hold it

(DRUMS PLAYING)

(DRUMS ROLLING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(DRUMS CONTINUE PLAYING)

(STAFF CHATTERING)

MAN: Okay, medium rare, mac

(STAFF CHATTERING)

I've got one well done and two medium rare

MAN: Two well done

My brandy, Mike

Here you go, sir

Thank you

CHEF: Medium rare coming up

MAN: Watch it, coming through

(STAFF CHATTERING)

MAN 2: I got a well done here

CHEF: How's your steak coming along?

MAN 2: One done, one well

CHEF: Here Those steaks Whose steak is this?

THACKERY: Your brandy, sir

Place it on the table

Right, sir

SANTINl: (THROUGH SPEAKER) Want to play a new game tonight, Thackery?

A new game?

Yes, sir

Haven't been doing too well at the others lately

I'm going to think of a number from one to four

and you will tell me the number

If lm wrong,

you may come in and collect $5

But if lm right,

no tip

Understood?

THACKERY: Right, sir I understand

Only, tonight I'm gonna get you

I'm thinking of a number

I'm thinking of a number

What is your number?

Four

Lift the skull from the table and look under it

I don't know how you do it, Mr Santini

That will be all, Thackery

Right

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

a nice hand for the daughter of the Master

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(LOCK RATTLING)

Who is it?

How did you

(THUDDING)

(DRUMS ROLLING)

Get him out of there

Take it up, bud, take it up

Send up some coffee, please

Coffee, right Right away

Thackery! Yes, Harry?

Coffee for Mr Jerome

Right I'll take it right up

Hold it That's good, bud

Bring it down

(STAFF CHATTERING)

(DRUMS ROLLING)

(CYMBALS CRASH)

(DRUMS ROLLING)

OFFICER: (ON POLICE RADIO) A black 62 Buick convertible

(POLICE RADIO CHATTERING)

OFFICER: I've been told to stand out here and keep people away from the door

OFFICER 2: Have you got any witnesses at all? OFFICER: I have no idea

MAN: We have an 11:00 deadline

JEFFERSON: When they come out, you'll be able to talk to him, fellas

That's all I can tell you

MAN: Can you help us in any way? I cannot

Excuse me, sir Lieutenant Columbo

Oh, I'm sorry, Lieutenant I didn't recognize you You look different somehow

I've had a hair cut

Who's in charge?

Sergeant Wilson, sir Wilson?

Detective Sergeant John J Wilson?

That's him You know him, Lieutenant?

Yes, I've worked with him before

I want everyone assembled in the main room within 30 minutes

When Lieutenant Columbo arrives, he's going to want to talk to all of them

Sir, there's 156 customers down there

The Lieutenant is a very thorough man

We won't leave here until he finds the person who did this

(SIGHING) Yes, sir

(COLUMBO HUMMING)

WILSON: Lieutenant?

Lieutenant

Good to see you again, sir Wilson Yes

John J Detective Sergeant How do you do?

Excuse me Watch my hand It's full of grease This is my dinner

Would you like a piece of chicken?

No, no, thanks

Is the body in there?

Yes It's That's a new raincoat, isn't it, sir?

It's from my wife Yeah

Oh, a present

For my birthday

Fits beautifully

You think so? Yes, I must say, it's a fine looking raincoat

It seems a little stiff to me

Well, it's new

You'll get used to it Yeah

You break it in

So, what do you got?

Jesse T Jerome Born August 3, 1923

Height, 5'8" Weight, 174 pounds

What did you do, weigh him?

No, took it off his driver's license

What was he doing, exercising?

Sir?

His back is damp So are his pants

Oh I'll put that down

You know, sir, it's a great honor to be working with you again

I've gained a lot of experience since our last case, you know

Very good

Hello? Anybody down here?

(WATER RUSHING)

Santini?

Santini, you in there?

Yes, who is it?

I'm sorry to bother you

The police want everybody upstairs

Oh, yes, of course, Harry I'll be right there

One shot through the heart

The napkin was found on top of his shoulder

The shot came from the front?

Yes, sir

The napkin was found on top of his shoulders,

and this 38 caliber revolver was found next to the body

I suspect it's the murder weapon,

though I've learned you can never jump to conclusions

But you say the time of death was between 9:56 and 10:06 How do you know that?

By Harry Blandford

Who is that?

Well, he's the maitre d' Sort of a junior partner

You see, at 9:56,

Jerome called from his office to order some coffee sent up

So he had to have been alive

Ergo, Jerome died within a 10 minute span

Yes, that makes sense What about the money?

The money, sir? There's a lot of money in here

Is any of that missing?

No, no, none of it

According to the cashier, it appears to all be there,

which rules out robbery as a motive

So, robbery was not a motive No, sir

Let's assume he knew the person that came in

I got to take off this coat I can't think in this coat

Pardon me?

The coat, I can't think in the coat

Sir

See, I think the problem is it could have been anybody

I mean, unless we trace the gun or pick up some fingerprints

Lieutenant? Yes

Anybody could have sneaked up the stairs, knocked on the door

When Jerome opened the door, they shot him and went right back downstairs again

That's what's been bothering me

Did he open the door?

Well, I don't follow you

Jerome was shot in the heart from the front

But the body is not here The body landed 8 or 10 feet back

I don't understand that

Suppose Jerome comes from the office

and he opens the door,

somebody shoots him,

then the bullet enters from the front,

but then the body is here, not there

Suppose Jerome opens the door

Somebody he knows

Opens the door, "How do you do?

"Come on in"

He follows the person in

Now he gets shot from the front,

but the body falls this way, not that way

Now, suppose he goes to the door,

opens the door, whatever he sees is a threat,

he turns, now he runs,

now he gets shot The body falls just where we found it,

but he's shot from the back

See, I don't understand how this happened

How does a man get shot from the front

and have the body land here?

The door has to be open

The murderer opened the door

Jerome did not open the door

Jerome is in his office

He's anywhere

He hears the door open

Now he comes walking forward to see what happened

The murderer sees him,

shoots him from the front,

and the body falls just where we found it

That I can understand

Sergeant, excuse me,

but some of those people downstairs are getting a little restless

How much longer do we hold them?

WILSON: Oh

Sir, I took the liberty

of holding some of the patrons quarantine

The guests? Yes

We don't need them We

You get their names? OFFICER: Yes, sir

Let them go If we need them, we'll call them Yes, sir

We don't

I'm sorry, sir I thought it best to hold them

I thought there might be some questions that you might have in mind

What I was about to say, sir,

is I don't think that the door was open

You see, that's a new lock

I can see that

It was only installed last week and there's only one key,

and that was found on Mr Jerome's person

Now, according to his partner,

Jerome locked the door every night while counting the receipts

Have this lock taken down to the lab

Have it checked

Yes, sir

I'm going downstairs I'm gonna look around

Fine Lieutenant

COLUMBO: Yes? Sir!

Yes?

Lieutenant? Yes?

Your Oh, sir?

Lieutenant! What is it?

Your coat, sir

You forgot your coat

I should try and call Danny

No, I'd prefer to have you home tonight

Listen, dear heart COLUMBO: Is that the way backstage?

We've both been through a great deal tonight Excuse me

Excuse me, sir

Sir?

The gentleman smoking on the stage

Forgive me, but backstage is offlimits

No, I'm just gonna look around for a moment

I can appreciate that, but I don't care to have my secrets

exposed to the world Can you understand that?

Oh, you are the magician How do you do, sir?

You look different from your picture out front Maybe it's the hat

Mmmhmm May I know who you are?

Lieutenant Columbo Los Angeles Police Department Homicide

I'm terribly sorry, Lieutenant

But you can understand my cautiousness Forgive me, I am at your service

Oh, that's quite all right

It was a terrible thing

It was ghastly

I was informed of it when I came off stage

Really?

Yes, I was performing at the time

Apparently, it must have happened during the course of my trick

I was doing my water tank illusion

You know, I saw you do that on television

The wife and I, when you were at Madison Square Garden

I don't know how you do that, sir

You're not supposed to

That's how I manage to stay two steps ahead of my creditors

I'm sure you do a little better than that

Just a little bit

Lieutenant, if you'll forgive me, my daughter is waiting for me

If there's anything I can do to help, please ask

Less baring the secrets of my grand illusions

Thank you very much

It's my pleasure I'm your obedient servant

Have a good night

The same to you, sir

Della? What's going on?

I'll tell you later

Come, let's go

Good night, boy

ROGERS: Handmade, with two special baffles

I figured as much when I saw the key

That's why I can't figure out how it happened

How what happened?

This lock was picked

Are you sure?

Take a look

Now, you see those scratches?

Somebody picked it open with a thin piece of steel

lmpossible, but it happened

What else?

This is the napkin the killer used to keep the prints off the gun,

and also mask any traces of nitrate

Hmm

As for the gun,

it's a standard Smith & Wesson 38 caliber revolver

Now, we matched the serial number

with a shipment that was stolen from a wholesaler in San Francisco

So, there's no record of any ownership,

no prints,

no nothing

And there you are

There I am

May I borrow this for a while?

Mmmhmm, go ahead

ROGERS: As long as you sign for it

Bravo! That's fantastic

Who's that?

I've always wanted to know how those things were done Lieutenant Columbo

I guess you have to have dexterous hands

How astute of you

You see, my hands, they wouldn't conceal anything

Too small

Mmmhmm Well, you're absolutely right

Maximum facility

Large hands,

more facile

How goes your hunt?

Sir?

The murder of Jesse Jerome

Come up with any clues yet?

Not really, sir, no We're stumped

I was hoping you'd be able to throw some light on it for me

Would you like my opinion, Lieutenant?

Yes, sir

There was a gun left, right?

That's a mark of a pro

Professional killing

It's common knowledge that Jesse had syndicated clients

That might be very helpful Thank you very much

My pleasure

I don't want you to take this wrong, sir,

but I have to account for everybody's whereabouts

At the time of the crime, you said you were performing the water tank trick

That's right

Now, when the cube is in the water tank,

you're not really in that cube, right?

Perhaps, perhaps not

No, it's not that I want you to give away any professional secrets, sir

My dear friend, I'd rather confess to a murder than to do that

I just don't know what to write down in the report

You don't know my boss

If I say you were locked in this cube,

chained in without air for 10 minutes and suspended in water,

the man's gonna look at me funny

So it really is a question of an alibi, right?

Actually, sir, it's just a question of the report

Let me tell you, Lieutenant, I probably have

the best alibi of anyone who works here

Anyone And the irony is, the worst

Where was I last night when Jesse Jerome got it?

Was I here

or was I there?

It's fascinating, isn't it?

Don't do that to me, sir

I admit it, you know I don't know where in the hell you were

All I want to do is just please the superior here with this thing

Let me clear your head up for you

I had absolutely nothing to do with the crime

I've spent half my life working in that grand illusion

It's been wonderful for me and audiences love it

And I'm not about to divulge the secret

But if at some point in time you and your superior,

and I know he's a tough man,

insist that I come up with an alibi,

I promise you I'll produce one But until that time,

at least allow me

the privacy of my professional secret

Is that fair?

Fair enough

Thank you

Have a good day

Thank you very much

My pleasure

Sir, would you mind if I came to see the show tonight?

I'd be honored to have your presence

Thank you

COLUMBO: Could it be done by 8:00 tonight?

LASSITER: (LAUGHING) You young people

When I was a young man, time was precious

You savored it

Today, everything has to be done yesterday

But, sir, this is very, very important

and I would appreciate

I'll be a son of a gun Where did you find that?

I've been looking all over for it

In the lost and found You left it in the cafeteria

I thought somebody stole it

At police headquarters?

All right, put it in my car

Anything you could do to see to it

that I have that by 8:00 tonight Lieutenant

would certainly be appreciated Sir

Could I see you for a moment, privately?

Mr Lassiter, Sergeant Wilson

WILSON: How do you do, sir?

Yes, how do you do?

Well, I'll get started on these cuffs

Danny Green, the singer,

he was having an argument with Mr Jerome about his contract

and he wanted out And he has no alibi

He said he left the premises to go see his agent,

but he didn't see his agent until 11:00

That's very good legwork, Sergeant,

but the singer didn't do it

No?

No

Mr Jerome wanted a lock that couldn't be picked

Mr Lassiter here made it

That rules out the singer

Unless, of course, he turns out to be an expert at picking locks

But you still think it's an inside job? Someone

Oh, it is Absolutely All right

Well, I'll check everyone else out at the club, sir

Lieutenant, sir, your coat

Just leave it in the car

Best on the bill

Lovers until

Love left the masquerade

Yes, of course, there'll be a performance tonight,

even though Mr Jerome is no longer with us

I have a very strong hunch about you, my lady

Believe in clairvoyancy? WOMAN: Yes

Your pen

Tonight, for your benefit,

on that stage,

I will try to reach Mr Jerome

With your head, if your ESP is working, when I'm up

I just wanted to say hello

Lieutenant Columbo, delighted you're here

Wonderful crowd you have

Mr Santini I was wondering, do you

JOHN: Mr Santini Mr Santini

Yes, excuse me Yes, John?

This gentleman is from out of town He says he knows you

How are you? Glad to see you again

Michael Lally

The greatest wire act He and his brother You should have seen them

How is he? Well, he's still working

I gave the act up I got a little bit too old

JIMMY: Mr Santini? Excuse me Yes?

Two minutes to show time Thank you, Jimmy

Excuse me Have a drink on me

Mr Santini, I don't want to impose

Could you do something about my table?

Of course Where are you sitting, Lieutenant?

In the other room

In there?

Jimmy JIMMY: Yes, sir?

May I have the guest of honor table

for the Lieutenant, please? Certainly

My apologies Thank you very much

This might be a bit embarrassing

I brought something with me It's a little trick

I thought I'd challenge you with it

I think you'll get a kick out of it

I'd be delighted to see it after the performance, please

Thank you, again Hope you enjoy it

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Dom Perignon

This way, Lieutenant Right down here

(DANNY SINGING)

Just a second

I always will

Best on the bill

Take good care of the Lieutenant

Thank you very much Enjoy yourself

Good evening Can I have your order?

Yes, I'll just have a soft drink, please Ginger ale

ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen,

The Cabaret of Magic is proud to present

The Great Santini!

(DRUMS ROLLING)

(CYMBALS CRASH)

(DRUMS PLAYING)

(CYMBALS CRASH)

(DRUMS ROLLING)

(CYMBALS CRASH)

(DRUMS ROLLING)

(CYMBALS CRASH)

The most beautiful woman in the world, and why not,

my beautiful daughter, Della

(DRUM PINGING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(BAND PLAYING)

(DRUMS ROLLING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(DRUMS ROLLING)

(CYMBALS CRASH)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(DRUMS ROLLING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thank you

Ladies and gentlemen, each evening here at The Cabaret of Magic,

we like to ask a member of our audience,

a volunteer, to step forward on the stage

to be Santini's attendant or assistant, if you would

Perhaps a beautiful young woman

We have a beautiful young man instead

Ladies and gentlemen, we are honored

because this gentleman who stands before you is none other than

Lieutenant Columbo of the Los Angeles Police Department

Welcome, Lieutenant

Lieutenant, you look like a man who enjoys a game of chance

You play cards? Yes, sir

Down at the station? Yes, sir

(CHUCKLING)

Does the Chief know about that, Lieutenant? No, sir

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Lieutenant, do you possess a deck of cards with you?

With me? No, sir

You're sure, not on your person anywhere?

Me? No

Well, unfortunately, I don't have any either, but

(GASPS) Well, maybe backstage

Lieutenant, what do we have here?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING) You're holding out on us

Ace of spades, Lieutenant

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Lieutenant, what do we have

King of hearts King of hearts

Is that all you Lieutenant!

Yeah? What have we here? Three bullets

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

That, Lieutenant, is indeed a fine hand in any man's book,

but I believe, sir,

that I could possibly beat that hand

Are you holding any more cards?

Lieutenant, somewhere on your

(DRUMS ROLLING) Do Oh, what have we here, Lieutenant?

A full deck!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Quite a full deck

Lovely Della

Thank you, Della

Thank you, my lady

That Thank you, Lieutenant, very much

No, no, no Thank you

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

What about a nice hand for Lieutenant Columbo?

Thank you very much

Thank you

Lights! You know, I'd like to challenge you to a trick

I brought something with me,

a trick I'd like to challenge him with, if I could

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

It's You know, down at headquarters,

we've got these special handcuffs for dangerous criminals

They're absolutely foolproof, you can't get out of them,

and the boys down at the station,

they said nobody could get out of them,

and I wagered that you would I don't know whether you can, sir,

but would you like to try and see whether you could do that?

Would you be good enough, sir, though,

to explain to my audience that I have never seen these cuffs before,

and this is the first time we've ever attempted this?

Oh, absolutely, I can vouch for that All right

Absolutely

(HANDCUFFS CLICKING)

I'll raise that up for you Make it more convenient

And there we have them

Are they secured now, sir? Yes, sir

To your satisfaction? You can't get out of these

I know that for a fact

We shall try May I have a drum roll, please?

Your handcuffs

I knew you could do it

A round of applause for the Lieutenant who tried

to outwit the Master

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thank you Thank you very much

Thank you very much

Thank you Thank you

Oh, Lieutenant

You seem to have forgotten your badge

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen,

The Cabaret of Magic is proud to present

The Great Santinis world famous water tank illusion

DELLA: When this cube is shut, bolted and chained,

it will be hermetically sealed

with the Great Santini inside of it

There will remain only five cubic feet of oxygen,

adequate to keep him alive for just nine minutes and 12 seconds

BARTENDER: Lieutenant, what can I do for you?

Does Mr Santini do this trick at the same time every night?

Like clockwork

(LOCKS RATTLING)

ASSISTANT: Okay, take it away, bud

No one's allowed to Oh, Lieutenant, okay

DELLA: To guarantee that the Great Santini cannot get out of the cube,

it will be suspended in the tank of water while the time runs out

(WHISPERING) Lieutenant, I can't let you go down there

Oh, I just wanted Santini's orders

I'm only doing what I'm told

Has Santini come backstage yet?

Of course not, sir He's in that cube

Sir, about the other possible suspects,

Harry Blandford He owned 250% of the club

Now with Jerome dead, he owns it all

(WHISPERING) Later, Wilson

WILSON: (WHISPERING) Yes, sir

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(STAFF CHATTERING)

Sliced carrots Slice them up

HARRY: I tell you every night, you slice it thin and you keep it rare

And I need about 100 servings tonight at least

You keep it thin, and you keep it rare Right? Good

Luigi, remember, lettuce doesn't swim Not too much dressing

Hey, you're the guy from the agency

Take that coat off, put this one on,

you get yourself a tray, you join World War III

Police Police?

What's below the stage? Where is Sergeant Wilson?

I'm Lieutenant Columbo What's below the stage?

It's a basement It's a storage room

How do I get there?

Go through that door and down the stairs to the left

Hey, Lieutenant Columbo

Yeah?

I am Harry Blandford

Harry Blandford I was Mr Jerome's partner

Yeah, call me later

(STAFF CHATTERING)

Mr Santini?

Mr Santini?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Mr Santini?

SANTINl: Come in, Lieutenant I've been expecting you

Good evening

Feel privileged, Lieutenant I usually don't allow anyone in here

I had a very strong suspicion you'd be looking for me tonight

Thank you, sir

Careful

That's how you do it

Yes, that's how it's done

I am not in the cube I'm right here

And that should certainly satisfy your report

Yes, sir, that's certainly going to sound better

I mean, I couldn't write that

That you were chained in a cube and dumped in a tank of water

without air for 10 minutes

(CHUCKLING)

Well, let's see Whereabouts during crime,

Mr Santini in basement room

I couldn't very well stop you from finding out and now that you do know,

I would very much appreciate your telling as few people as possible

Well, certainly, sir Can you verify that?

Can I verify what?

That you were actually here?

You really are something

My good man, where could I have gone?

If I had indeed exited through these two doors here,

made a sharp left turn, ran down the passageway, gone up the stairwell,

the stage manager would have seen me

Check with him

My alternative was to go out these doors, up that stairwell,

which would have led me directly into the kitchen,

where at least a dozen people would have been aware of my presence

Well, that certainly makes sense, sir

Thank you

Listen,

I gotta hand it to you about those handcuffs You sure got them off fast

Whew!

We all have our particular talents, Lieutenant

Mine happens to be illusion and yours, I suspect, is reality,

and a rather grim one at that

Well, you cleared up one thing

You know, that lock was supposed to be pickproof?

You showed it wasn't At least, not for a man of your ability Whew!

Oh, any lock could be picked, Lieutenant, if you know how

I guess you have to keep pretty good track of the time

I mean, you get up on the stage late, you'll blow the whole trick

Absolutely

Have you had any luck tracing the gun?

No, sir Could have belonged to anybody

And what about the napkin?

Oh, nothing special Just a napkin from the kitchen

Uhhuh

Wouldn't be

anything like this?

You son of a gun, you devil, you

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

You did it again

You really must excuse me now

Oh, incidentally, Lieutenant,

I neglected to have my usual brandy this evening

It's right here on the table if you care to imbibe

What did Brandy?

Oh, didn't I tell you?

I always have brandy brought to me

exactly at the same time each evening

It calms the nerves

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(STAFF CHATTERING)

Excuse me, could you tell me who brought Mr Santini his brandy last night?

Excuse me, I hate to bother you, but

Can I have everybody's attention, please? This is police business!

Thank you very much

I just want to talk to the individual

who brought Mr Santini his brandy last night

I did

May I speak to you over there, please?

(SIGHING) Right, sir

You can go back to work Thank you very much

THACKERY: You'll have to make it fast, sir

Got a boiled lobster and a creamed crab ready for table 18

About this brandy What is that? Is that a regular thing?

Oh, yes During every performance

I think the old boy needs it to calm his nerves

And you always take it down to him during that 10 minutes?

Yes, sir

You took him the brandy last night and he was there?

Yes, sir

My lobster and my crab, sir?

Right

You're positive?

I know his voice, Lieutenant It was him

What do you mean his voice? You didn't see him?

Not actually But he was moving around in there That I saw

You're sure?

Yes Every night he likes to play a mind trick on me

Last night he asked me to pick a number from one to four

What do you mean?

A number from one to four

He didn't guess it right, I'd go through the door and he'd give me $5

So how could he have not been there? If that's what you're thinking

Thackery, we've got hungry people waiting out there

Right, Harry

Boiled lobster and creamed crab

I'll hop right to it

Did he guess the right number?

Yeah

Lieutenant Columbo!

Lieutenant Columbo!

I'd appreciate it

if you'd stayed out of my kitchen during dinner hours, right?

I'm sorry, I'm a pest, but I'm very confused

Yeah, you look it

Simmons, get a wine list over to table 31 right away Fast!

Mr Blandford, one more thing and I'll get out of your way

You were in and out of the kitchen all night during the evening

Would you know if there was a new man on last night, however briefly?

Look, let me tell you something about the kitchen, huh?

We run on a short staff, so we run short

We call the employment agency,

they send over a temporary That's a temporary

The guy comes in here, I say, "Get a red coat, grab a tray, go on out there" That's it

So you wouldn't know if a stranger walked through here?

Are you kidding me? I wouldn't notice

if my mother came in here and she kissed me Why?

I'm trying to explain something that is not explainable

(LAUGHING)

It sounds like you're talking to Santini

HARRY: Hey, Carlos, get some flatware out here We're running short

And hustle it up

CLERK: Good morning, sir

Good morning

What a nastylooking thing

Nasty and lethal

Observe A simple carrot

A flick of the wrist, a downward thrust and

A very handy kitchen device

On the other hand, hardly mystifying

Now let me demonstrate

the magical aspect of this device, sir

Will you assist me?

I'd like to demonstrate this wonderful illusion

You do have faith, don't you?

You don't mean my hand?

Please

In there?

Yes, please In there

And you want me to put my hand in there?

Yes, right in there, please, sir

What are you going to do?

Now just place your hand

a little further in this, sir, if you will

What are you going to do?

Fully guaranteed for two years against all defects

and it comes with three extra blades

$8995

(CHUCKLING)

Oh!

I'll be a son of a gun Don't ever do that again

Thank you very much That's a hell of a trick

Yes Are you interested, Mr

Columbo is my name

No Columbo

Excellent Very good Is that the Great Columbo?

No, just Lieutenant

Police Investigating a murder

The murder of Jesse Jerome

Oh, dear Jesse

To know him was to detest him

I was in San Marino that night, Lieutenant,

at my inlaws'

Sir, you're not under suspicion

No, I just want a little information

Let's say that a man is in one room,

but he wants someone to think he's in another room

To make his voice come from another room Do you have a trick like that?

No, not really

I assume you're talking about some kind of radio device

I'm talking about making your voice come from another room

Well, someone could speak into a small concealed mike

and have his voice come from somewhere else

Right

Well, that's not really magic, Lieutenant

More like the gaff in a head act

The gaff in a head act?

A head act Mind reading

You know, a guy up on the stage

and an assistant in the audience,

usually a broad,

and she asks some guy in the 20th row

if he has something he wants to ask the swami,

so he whispers it to her

But what the mark don't know is the broad is rigged with a mike

and the guy on the stage has a little receiver behind his ear

So, if you had a couple of those things and an amplifier,

you could create the illusion of being somewhere while you were not

If you know what you're doing

Do you have something I could look at?

Sure

Mr Lally?

Yeah, what can I do for you?

Do you remember me?

Yeah, you were at the Cabaret club the other night

Yeah, I sure was

Come on in Thanks

Help yourself to a beer in the fridge

What do you pay here?

$40 a month

Maid service?

Are you kidding? Maid service?

And where is the bathroom?

In the hallway

Hotplate yours?

That's my hotplate

Still not bad

What did you think of that magician?

Oh, he's always been great

You know, I would've bet money that he couldn't get out of those cuffs

Don't ever bet against Santini He's the cream of cream

They tell me you go way back with him

Oh, yeah, way back, when me and my brothers

were the top wire act in Europe

He was the gaff in the head act,

and he always brought it off very smooth, very smart

That's where he got his start

Was his name Santini then?

No, no, not then

It was Arlington or Kensington, something English,

but he had an accent you could chop off with an axe

Oh, what kind of an accent?

I think it was German

Where'd you first meet him?

In Budapest

Maybe the accent was Hungarian

But it didn't go along with this English name

Then zippo

Five years later, we run into him in Oslo

The accent's gone,

he's very British, and now he's carrying an Italian name

Santini?

The Great Santini

So the name stuck, and now the accent is American?

Yeah, but he grew into a master of accents

I think he can even imitate you

I figure he's the kind of man

that he could do almost anything if he put his mind to it

You mean his hand to it

Right

What's his real name?

I don't know, I never did know

The television yours? Yeah,

that's mine and the hotplate is mine

The rest belongs to the joint

What time do you have?

1:00

The tub Is there a tub in the john?

No, no, no

There's one shower on the third floor for everybody

Listen, thanks

Don't mention it

My agents are putting together a completely new tour

and I'm going to require a new assistant

Whatever happened to your daughter?

Well, unfortunately, the poor child has gone soft on a rather mediocre singer

She lacks taste

Genetically, I don't quite understand it

Well, maybe it comes from her mother's side of the family

Not likely, since she was the lady who taught me everything I know

Seriously, though, I

I wish you would consider it

I have a feeling you'd make a marvelous traveling companion

I'll think about it

Please do

I shouldn't be long

You stay put now or I'll revoke your driving privileges

I'm gonna leave this coat in the car

If somebody tries to lift it, you look the other way

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Yes, may I help you, sir?

Oh, no

What's the matter?

Someone I thought I'd seen the last of

Do you have a match, sir?

Yes, sir

Well, do you think you could make him disappear, too?

It's a splendid suggestion, but in his case, I think, rather doubtful

I'm just gonna join that gentleman at that table

for a moment, if you don't mind

Thank you very much

Mr Santini, I'm sorry I didn't mean to intrude

I'm sure you didn't

This will only take a moment,

unless you prefer my waiting until you're finished

Lieutenant, what is it about me that you find so irresistible?

Well, you know how it is, sir,

I gotta check out all the leads until I get my man

Could have been a woman, you know

Of course

There was a homicide at the club The owner was murdered

Please sit

Ironically, it happened during the course of my act

Oh, forgive me, Lieutenant Columbo, this is Miss McCarthy

How do you do, ma'am?

WAITER: Would you like to order cocktail? No, nothing for me

Do you know a Michael Lally, sir?

Yes, of course I know Michael Lally

And you know very well I know him

because you saw me talking to him last night in the club

Well, according to Mr Lally, when he first knew you in Europe,

you were going under another name

Kensington or Arlington

What of it?

You didn't think Santini was really my name, did you?

"Does not look Italian"

That's the very first note I made, sir

How astute

But you do use the name of Santini on your passport

Why, Lieutenant, you've been checking up on me

Well, I really don't have any choice, sir

Why are you so preoccupied to find out my real identity?

Your origin

may be more humble than you make it appear

And what about you, Lieutenant?

Beneath that ruffled exterior,

there ticks away the heart

of an empiricist philosopher,

probing for the truth at all costs

I'm just doing my job

But you make it sound so proletarian

And my job, if you will,

has to do with appearances

I'm not what I appear to be

and then again, neither are you

Mr Lally remembers that in the old days you spoke with a different accent

(IMITATING GERMAN ACCENT) Was it this one, mein Herr?

(IMITATING BRITISH ACCENT) Or perhaps this one, guvnor

Is it better? All right

(IMITATING FOREIGN ACCENT) Or maybe it sounded like this

Ooh, you're a remarkable man, Mr Santini

How keen of you to notice it

I could do my East Ukrainian

but unfortunately, Miss McCarthy and I have an appointment

If you'll excuse us, Lieutenant

Could you at least tell me which name it was?

Was it Arlington or was it Kensington?

Well, neither, actually

It was Washington

Do you have a first name on that, sir?

Martha

Sir, you sent for me?

Yes, Wilson, I Lieutenant, I've got an idea

The waiter, Thackery

He was the one who brought the coffee up to Jerome, remember?

All right, Jerome left the door open for him

Thackery goes upstairs, goes inside, shoots Jerome,

then he fools around with the lock to make it look like somebody picked it

That's very good The magician did it

What?

Mr Santini killed Mr Jerome

Santini? Santini was in the basement

You yourself said he was down there playing the trick with Thackery

He was going to personally hand Thackery $5

if Santini couldn't guess the number

Well, his voice was in the basement He wasn't there

Only his voice

You see, what we have to remember

is that Mr Santini is a master of illusion

He makes you believe what he wants you to believe

Pick a number from one to four

Pick a number?

Pick any number from one to four

I got it What is it?

Two

Lift up the telephone receiver

Turn it over

"I knew you were thinking of number two"

How did you do that?

If you had picked number four,

I would tell you to look under the ashtray

"I knew you were thinking of number four"

If you had said number one, I'd tell you to pick up the hole punch

"I knew you were thinking of number one"

If you had picked number three

"I knew you were thinking of number three"

That's

Where did you learn this?

That trick cost me $1735 in a magic shop

Oh, that's expensive

All right, let's say Santini wasn't in the basement

I mean, let's say Santini did it

But what's the motive? I mean, there has to be a motive

Yes, there is always a motive

We just have to find it

Come on Where are we going?

We can't find a motive here

Yeah, where are we going to find it? I don't know

So where are we going?

Wilson, will you

I forgot my coat

Coat?

We'll get some air

Right Think

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

Lieutenant, what happened to your new coat?

Oh, that? It didn't fit

The wife, she's gonna change it for something new

Oh

Excuse me, mac, you were just sitting down?

I beg your pardon

Wilson, this man was just sitting down

Forgive me

Would you turn around? I just want to see the back of your shirt

Perspiration You were sitting?

Yes, I was sitting Where were you sitting?

That corner chair right over there

Leather Wilson, take this down

Just before Mr Jerome was killed, we know he was sitting

The next question is where was he sitting?

There are seven chairs and a couch

Where was he sitting?

Well, his jacket was on this chair So he could have been sitting in this chair

There was a glass of wine on the desk and the reading glasses

He could have been He was sweating

Yes His shirt was damp

You can see the discoloration

It starts at the belt

and works halfway up the back

So we rule out all the chairs with cloth

He was sitting on leather

Sit in that chair

That's a highback leather chair

We rule that out

The sweat line would come to the shoulders

Highback leather chair We rule that out

He was sitting in this chair

Sweat line hits in the right place

So, we know where he was sitting

What was he doing?

Well, we know he came up to check the cash receipts

But the cash box was never opened

The reading glasses There were reading glasses on the desk

He might have been reading

Was there reading material around? Books, papers or letters?

No He wasn't reading

No, nothing, sir

The telephone! He might have been on the telephone, talking on the telephone

Here for 40 minutes? Maybe part of the time

I don't see any connection between taking out reading glasses

and making a call

He could have been writing

The pad is bare

He never did what he came up here to do

He came up here to count his money,

doublelocked the door, put the money on his desk

but he never opened the box Why?

Was it because he got absorbed in listening to music?

Or did he have something more important to do?

I would assume it was because he had something more important to do

I think he had something more important to do

What was it?

Lieutenant Columbo

Good afternoon

You know Sergeant Wilson?

How do you do?

Do you know how unnerving it is

for everyone who works with me and works in this building

because you and your men are snooping around?

Now, is there any chance

that you could be a little less conspicuous?

It is unnerving My apologies, sir

Thank you

Now, may I know how long you and Dr Watson here

are going to be poking around?

Well, we are making progress, sir

Oh Anything significant?

Tell Mr Santini about the trick that I played on you today

The Lieutenant's become a magician

Go on, tell him about it He'll get a kick out of it

The Lieutenant asked me to think of a number between one and four,

and then he would guess the number that I was thinking and prove it

And there was no doubt about it

The number was two

I was thinking of the number two

He asked me the number I was thinking and I told him two

And then he asked me to look under the telephone

I looked under the telephone and there was a little slip of paper and on it said,

"I knew you were thinking of number two"

Bravo

SANTINl: That's magic, wizardry

Actually, Dunninger used it in his act

It's an old standby

Now, you said you were making some progress

Yes, sir, we've determined where Mr Jerome was just before the murder

Of course, he was right here in the office

Where in the office?

Now, how would I know that?

He was sitting in this chair

Do you know that for a fact?

Yes

What were we talking about before Mr Santini came in?

Well, we were concerned with what Mr Jerome was doing

while he was sitting in the chair

Right

We were concentrating on the reading glasses

Right

Actually, sir, we were concerned with the motive

Right

You see, sir, we're stumped with the motive

Do you have a suspect?

Yes

You do?

We do,

but we don't have a motive for you

Oh

I am the suspect

How interesting

Well, finding a motive should be a piece of cake

for a couple of clever men like you

And I promise you I will not disappear before your very eyes

when you come to arrest me

The reading glasses

You know, Lieutenant,

you would wear reading glasses if you were typing

Yes, you would wear reading glasses if you were typing,

but there was no paper in the typewriter

And there was no typewritten documents in either the desk,

in the drawers or on top

There is nothing in this room to indicate that that man was typing

What's this?

What's what, sir?

This

Looks like a golf ball

That's how it types, sir The ball types the letters

But it's not moving

The typewriter This thing is not moving

Carriage

This is the carriage, but there is no carriage on this typewriter

You see, the ball moves from left to right

Allow me to demonstrate, sir, please

You see, I used one of these at the Academy Typing School

Oh, I didn't know they had one

Oh, yes

I'll be a son of a gun

Oh, it's a remarkable machine, Lieutenant

Very modern

See this?

This is a disposable carbon ribbon for a very crisp image

Top speed of this machine I'd say is about 220 words a minute

Beautiful Beautiful machine

Well, sir, shall we get cracking?

"Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party"

Lieutenant, shall we continue the search?

Very good, Wilson

Very good

Thank you, sir

Thank you

Harry, what's going on?

That Lieutenant's got Danny Green up in Jesse's office

Something's about to break on the murder

Why do you suppose he wants to see me?

He didn't say I've got work to do

DANNY: You're crazy Santini couldn't have done it

COLUMBO: He killed him, Mr Green, and I can prove it

I can prove how and I can prove why

Blackmail

Blackmail? Come on

Blackmail

Jesse Jerome knew that Santini was really Stefan Mueller,

a former SS guard at the end of World War II

And when Jesse Jerome threatened to expose him, Mueller killed him

But how? He was in the basement

I can prove it

When he gets here I'm gonna show you how he did it

COLUMBO: There's no sense running, sir There's no place to run to

I just heard you talking upstairs in the room with Green

No, sir, we were never up there

It's an easy illusion to create

All you need is some miniature radio equipment

The receiver, a wireless mike and a transmitter

You used something like this the other night

You used it when you fooled the waiter into thinking you were still in the basement

when you were performing that "pick a number from one to four" trick,

when in reality you were upstairs, killing Jesse Jerome

Bravo

Wrong, but an interesting theory

More than that

It shows opportunity

And the letter shows motive

A letter?

A letter addressed to the Department of lmmigration and Naturalization

It identifies you as a war criminal Means, opportunity, and motive

It's enough to convict for first degree murder

It's impossible It's a trick and not a very good one

A trick? No

That's the letter

Oh, no, Lieutenant

No, you see, this letter was burned

So much for your letter

There's the letter

I hope you were watching carefully That's my best trick

Of course, I don't have your style, but I get pretty good results

You can burn that one, too, if you like

There's plenty more where that came from

Wilson

You made one mistake

You did not look closely enough at that typewriter

If you had, you would have seen that it used a plastic carbon ribbon

Disposable carbon ribbon, sir

The kind you don't reuse

And when the key strikes the ribbon,

it punches out a letter that is clearly visible on the used ribbon

You can see it

I want you to see for yourself

If you look carefully at this section of the ribbon,

you'll see that it says,

"Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party"

I typed that

Sergeant Wilson typed that

But Jesse Jerome typed something else

And if we unwind the entire used section of the ribbon,

we see what Mr Jerome typed

"Department of lmmigration and Naturalization, Washington DC

"Enclosed find a letter which proves

"that Santini is in reality an exNazi

"named Stefan Mueller"

I don't think there's any need for me to go any further, is there, sir?

No

Means, opportunity,

motive

And I thought I'd performed the perfect murder

Perfect murder, sir

Oh, I'm sorry, there is no such thing as a perfect murder

That's just an illusion

Officer

(CHARADE PLAYING)