Original subtitles

Okay. All right, hurry, stack the cool ones.

Hurry up!

The church bake sale isn't until tomorrow morning. Why are we rushing?

'Cause these are fresh cookies,

and my dad will be home soon.

They're not safe.

Oh. Got it.

(DOOR CLOSES) Oh, crap! He's home.

Hide the cookies! Hide the cookies!

KEVIN: Hello, hello?

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

How's it going?

Good. I just got the car washed.

They're jacking the prices up over there again.

I'm not even gonna go.

Something happened here.

No, nothing.

Really?

It's still warm. Interesting.

That's sugar.

Granulated cane.

It's curious.

It's probably nothing, so...

Mr. Gable, no. You, no!

They're for the church bake sale.

Can you please leave them alone?

And I would've, if he didn't try to deceive me.

Something you may want to bring up in confession when you explain

why there weren't enough cookies at the bake sale.

Let's go. Come on.

Fine. I made extras anyway. I'll put them in the cookie jar.

(SIGHS)

Oh, uh, Dad, where's... Where's Mr. Hoot?

Mr. who?

You know, the little owl cookie jar.

It's always been right there.

Oh. I sold it at our garage sale six months ago.

Actually, to Goody.

What? That's been in the family for years.

I know. It was old, you know? It was missing an eye.

It looked like it... It got hit in the head with a paint can.

It's, like, donk.

I loved that thing.

I mean, don't you remember when I was 8 years old

and I wrote my initials under the lid?

I can't believe you got rid of it.

Mom wanted me to have it for my kids someday.

I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't know.

Look, I'll... I'll just call Goody.

I'll get it... I'll get it back, all right?

Thank you. It means a lot to me.

Well, you know what means a lot to me?

They're for the church.

Yeah, I either buy 'em Sunday or I buy 'em now.

All right? Doesn't matter.

* I am not your ordinary guy *

(DOOR CLOSES) VANESSA: Hello?

Hey. We're in here.

Hey. Lemme guess.

You didn't fill out the paperwork

like you promised you would.

Aw, that's right.

I'm... I can't believe I did that.

I'm sorry. I totally forgot.

Yeah, very typical of you.

Yeah, I think you should take it back.

(SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)

I just wanted to see you get all hopped up, all right?

See, that's the problem with you.

You always underestimate me. And look at me.

I got things covered. I'm on top of it.

Hey. Oh, hey, Goody,

did you bring the owl?

So, Didi reminded me that we gave it

to my cousin as a wedding gift.

Wait. You gave a $5 cookie jar as a wedding gift? It was used.

That's why I rinsed it.

It was missing an eye.

That's why I wrapped it.

All right, well, can you call your cousin

and have him send it to us?

'Cause it's... It's important to Kendra.

I would, but he doesn't have it anymore.

He sold it to a pawnshop in Utica.

He pawned a used, one-eyed cookie jar?

I don't have to explain my family to you.

Wow. It's like that.

(SCOFFS) But I got good news.

I called the pawnshop, and they still have it.

That's great. Let's get it shipped.

Well, I tried, but they don't ship.

Why not? 'Cause it's not Williams Sonoma.

It's a pawnshop in Utica.

All right. I guess I'm driving upstate.

Dad, are you sure? I mean, that's like a four-hour ride. Yeah.

Look, if it's important to you, I'm going.

Aww.

It is important to you, right? Yes, it is.

Okay.

And they definitely don't ship? They don't ship.

And it's definitely important to you?

CHALE: Um, I hate to be the voice of reason here,

but, uh, isn't it a bit silly sending your father

all the way upstate for a cookie jar?

Why is it silly?

Because I just found them online for less than $10.

Sending your father up there is a little bit crazy.

So now I'm crazy?

Oh, boy. Well, what is it?

Am I silly, or am I crazy?

Calm down.

Calm down?

I'm out. KEVIN: All right, we got to go.

(IMITATING CHALE) "I hate to be the voice of reason here."

(NORMAL VOICE) You are one dumb man.

What was I supposed to do?

She was being unreasonable.

Okay, well, you don't say "calm down"

when they give you that look.

It's like running into a bear in the woods.

You play dead.

I thought you were supposed to get big

and jingle your keys and yell,

"Bear, bear, there's a bear!"

No.

That's for a grizzly.

Or is it a black bear? I don't know.

I don't know. One you play dead, the other you get big.

Then you got koalas and pandas. I think you can just hug them.

I guess I still have a lot to learn about marriage.

But we do have a four-hour car journey ahead of us.

Maybe you can impart a little more wisdom.

Oh. That's actually a good idea.

(LAUGHS) Or...

(RADIO TURNS ON) LOU ON RADIO: How ya doin'? Lou from Staten Island.

Listen, I think the Mets are having a fantastic year.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey. Hi.

Can you do me a favor? Yeah.

When your dad gets home, could you have him

re-sign where the tabs are,

and tell him this time not to get jelly on it?

Yeah, see, getting food

all over important paperwork is kind of his thing.

My birth certificate still has Cheeto dust on it.

(LAUGHS)

KYLE: Hey, Kendra, is, uh, my duct tape out there?

Oh, uh, no.

No, I don't see it. Your Uncle Kyle's here?

Yeah, he's fixing our furnace. Oh, okay, I'm gonna run,

'cause every time he sees me, he hits on me.

Which is weird 'cause he sucks in his gut,

so he can only talk in these short bursts. (LAUGHS)

I'll see you later. Okay, bye.

Tape was in my bag. (LAUGHING) Hey.

How you doing, girl? (CLEARS THROAT)

Take a breath, idiot.

I'm breathing. Okay.

(STRAINED) Maybe we can go see a movie or something?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Look, Kyle, like I told you yesterday

and pretty much every day before that,

this is not happening, okay? This is a no-go.

Okay, sorry. You know, I just...

You're the... You're the whole package.

Okay, uh, thank you. That is very sweet.

But come on, Kyle. You're a nice guy.

I'm sure there are plenty of women

out there for you. Yeah, well, you'd think.

But, you know, I hit a little bit of a dry patch, that's all.

Around, uh, about '97.

Oh.

Well, what about online dating?

Nah. Tried 'em all. Except for FarmersOnly.com.

They sniffed me out pretty quick.

Maybe it's your profile.

No, no. Profile's rock solid.

"Part-time cage-fighter."

"The inventor of the airline pillow."

No, no, no. I said I was on the team

that invented the airline pillow.

Okay, Uncle Kyle,

maybe you should just redo your profile,

and this time, don't lie so much.

Yes, I'm sure there are a lot of things about you

that women find attractive.

Like what?

Me? Oh, okay. Um...

Well, you're a firefighter,

which means you have great dental coverage.

Yeah, a very good plan. Dr. Weisman. Yeah.

See? But, you know, everybody exaggerates

on the dating profiles.

Well, yeah, but not everybody won

the 2016 Pan American Jiu-Jitsu Competition.

This place is wild.

Look, tomorrow night, they have an arm wrestling tournament

and "Taco Madness." Fun!

Okay, Chale, you got to stop it, all right? It's not fun.

You know... You know what fun would have been?

Getting to the pawnshop before it closed,

getting our owl, and driving home, okay,

instead of staying in a motel

next to a burned-down Panda Express.

Once again, I apologize, Mr. Gable.

I set my GPS to scenic, because I thought we could

take in all of the fall foliage,

which, please admit it, it was spectacular.

(IMITATING CHALE) It wasn't spectacular.

(NORMAL VOICE) It's a bunch of leaves.

By the way, we got a whole bunch in our lawn.

Feel free to rake 'em up.

Nice job. All right.

'Scuse me, ma'am. Oh!

You're gonna want to keep your hands to yourself!

Sorry, I just... I was just getting a napkin.

Oh, I know what you're trying to get.

Look, I am seeing someone, okay?

Promise ring. Bam! You see that? Uh-huh.

Chunky, why are your eyes down here?

They're supposed to be up here.

I was just following where your finger was pointing.

I know you're not talking all sexy about my finger now.

Wait. What? What? What?

Clyde! Clyde?

There a problem? It's not a problem, Clyde, all right.

Listen, I'm gonna pay our tab and we'll get out of here.

Huh. Yeah, all right.

Mm-hmm. He was making unwanted advances.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

Uh, I think what we have here

is a classic comedy of errors.

You see, we're from out of town.

Where you from? You sound funny.

I'm from England. And to me, you sound funny.

Wait. We sound funny?

Huh. Did you hear that, Clyde?

Yeah. Did you hear what he called you?

Uh-huh. Oh, no, no. I didn't call him anything.

Yeah, but you wanted to.

I'm... I have to leave now.

It's okay. I saw what happened.

We're cool. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. But before you go,

I wanna make things right.

Right in your face!

Ladies, you were right.

I changed my profile, went fully honest,

and got my first match of the night.

And she is a keeper.

Wow. Kelly, huh? She's cute.

Yeah, it's been less than a day,

but I think we're talking soul mate.

Wait, wha... You haven't even met her yet.

There are plenty of women out there.

No. They had their shot, all right?

Honest Kyle, off the market.

I'm putting all my apples in the Kelly basket.

So, if you'll excuse me.

Aww. Wow.

I can't believe he found someone.

He didn't. That's a fake profile.

The picture of Kelly is of my hairdresser.

You're catfishing him?

No.

Technically, yes.

But only because I felt bad about yesterday,

and I just wanted to build up his confidence.

He won't even look at another woman

if he thinks he has a shot on this one.

Okay, you know what? You're right.

I will have Kelly let him down easy.

Yes. Oh, but just be nice about it.

I will.

(HUMMING)

Do you always make that noise when you're texting?

Only when I'm breaking hearts.

Okay, done.

And I did it in a very nice way.

KYLE: No!

Ugh! Bad news.

Ugh. It's over.

Kelly moved to Australia.

Australia?

Wow. That seems unnecessarily far away.

(BELL JINGLES)

That's what was weird, because I didn't

feel any pain in the moment.

It was only a... Ow!

Oh, Mr. Gable, how... How does my eye look?

Like a tiny man head-butted you.

That's all right. I don't care.

I'm actually quite proud.

Hey, here we are. This is it.

Yes, yes!

Yep. We're good to go. "KG," there it is.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the white Flavor Flav and Heavy D.

Welcome to my pawnshop.

You own the place?

Why else would I welcome you, dummy?

Okay, well, look, um, first off, I wanted to say

that there is no excuse for his behavior last night,

and, uh, we are both very, very sorry.

So, you know, we're just gonna get this owl

and we'll get out of your hair.

Great. The price is $1 million.

What? I'm just messing with you.

$800,000.

She's coming down. That's a good sign.

Okay, look, I understand you're mad, all right,

but I really want to buy this, okay?

So, can you give me the real price?

$5,000.

Come on. I'm serious.

This is no ordinary cookie jar.

It was owned by a celebrity.

You see this? "KG."

Kelsey Grammer. Yes! Ow! Mm!

No, see, that's a misunderstanding.

That "KG" is my daughter. It's Kendra Gable.

Nice try, buddy. Uh-uh.

That cookie jar has been in my family for years, all right?

And... (SIGHS)

I sold it, and I... And I shouldn't have done it.

I'm sure you can understand what I'm going through.

Baby, I understand.

Man, we all make mistakes. Yes.

You see that guitar over there? That's a mistake.

That bowling ball over there? That's a mistake.

This whole place is a mistake.

It should be named Yvette's House of Mistakes.

I like it. It's got pizzazz.

(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY) Okay.

Bottom line, I can only go as low as $5,000.

But I don't have $5,000.

Then you don't have Frasier's cookie jar!

Love what I do!

I'll admit it, I like her.

She got a zest for life.

It's a job satisfaction kind of...

Shut up.

I figured out how we're gonna get that money.

"Arm wrestling tournament. Grand prize, $5,000."

Shabang.

You really think I can win?

CHALE: You sure about this, Mr. Gable?

KEVIN: You're looking at the best arm wrestler at the precinct.

I was known as Iron Wrist.

We're getting that... (ECHOING) ...owl.

* Running through the night

* Running to survive

* We're gonna show 'em

* That they're the best they'll ever find

* We'll never surrender

* We'll never give in

* We'll always remember

* To never forget

* We fight until we win

* We fight until we win

* We fight until we win

You ready, Mr. Gable? Oh, yeah.

Plus, I already cut my sleeves off,

so there's no turning back.

All right, your first opponent is right over there.

Him? I'll snap his arm right off.

Oh, that is the eye of the tiger! (BELL DINGS)

First match,

Man Eater McGraw versus Glorious Gable.

Glorious Gable?

They asked for a nickname and you were in the bathroom.

I told you, I'm Iron Wrist.

Oh, sorry. I forgot.

It was five minutes ago.

All right, boys, lock 'em up.

I just want you to know, I'm about two things...

That's chewing gum and snapping arms.

And guess what, I'm all out of gum.

Actually, you're chewing gum right now.

And I'm just telling you that because it's a choke hazard.

Uh, he's probably right. Um, anybody got...

You got a napkin? Anybody?

Chale. (SPITS)

Okay, boys, you know the rules.

(ROCK ANTHEM MUSIC PLAYS)

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Let's do this.

Aah!

I feel like I had him for a second, right?

I shouldn't have turned the hat around.

Sure. That was the problem. The hat.

I can't go back to my wife empty-handed.

Chale, that's gonna happen in a marriage.

Sometimes you gotta go home, you look your wife

right in the eye, and say,

"The pawnshop blew up because of a gas leak,

"and the owl was lost in an inferno."

I will never lie to Kendra. Yeah.

Unless you got 5 grand for a $5 cookie jar,

I don't know what to tell you.

Wait, that's it.

That's it. I've got it. $5,000.

Mr. Gable, I've got to go back to the pawnshop. Ch... Chale.

Have you been sitting on $5,000 this whole time?

I'll literally... I'll punch you right in the mouth.

Kelly?

Excuse me?

I can't believe this.

I ran into you before you left for Australia?

I'm sorry. Do I know you?

Oh, uh, of course. I'm Kyle.

Sexy firefighter.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Wow.

So, you're gonna do me like that?

That's cold-blooded.

You're making me uncomfortable. Can you please leave?

Are you kidding me? I should spit in your face right now.

But I can't, because I still love you.

And I think you know me well enough to know that...

I will always love you.

All right, I'm warning you, I've got mace.

Hey, Mommy! Noah, Mommy needs you to wait for her

by the car. Now.

So you got a kid? Is that the problem?

I mean, you could've told me.

(SIGHS)

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

I dig kids.

(SCREAMING)

(BELL JINGLES)

Hey, hey, hey. What's the plan?

Mr. Gable, I've got this. You can wait in the car.

I really need to do this on my own.

I need to make things right with Kendra, so...

All right.

Well, look, if anything happens...

I'm just gonna say you went up in the gas explosion.

Fair enough. Good. Okay. All righty.

(BELL JINGLES)

Oh, you're back.

Yes, and I would like to buy that owl, please.

And I have $5,000 of American cash,

which I believe was the asking price?

You're believing correctly.

Oh, wonderful. Well, then, just, uh, wrap that up for me

and, uh, include the certificate of authenticity,

and I'll be on my way.

The wha...

Surely, you have some form of proof

that, uh, it once belonged to Kelsey Grammer?

Um, I maybe think...

(STAMMERING) Or just, uh, maybe a photograph

of, uh, Mr. Grammer enjoying a cookie from the jar,

perhaps a-a snickerdoodle on the set of Cheers?

I don't have any of that.

Oh, well, then you don't have any of this.

I have the initials. (SCOFFS)

Yvette, those initials were written by an 8-year-old girl

called Kendra Gable. My wife.

You're married to an 8-year-old girl? That's sick.

No. I'm... She's not eight now.

Look, Clyde said it was real.

And I'm guessing he also told you

that diamond on that ring is real?

It is real.

Isn't it? Oh, Yvette.

(LAUGHS) We got it!

That's it! That's amazing. How'd you do it?

I bluffed, and she blinked.

That... I didn't think you were gonna... It's incredible.

I know. I know. I feel fantastic.

Kendra's gonna be so proud of me when she finds out.

It's not just Kendra, man.

(STAMMERING) I got to tell you, I'm proud of you, too.

I really am. You know what?

In fact, bring it in. You got to bring it in. Come on.

Oh. That was awesome. Yeah.

(GRUNTS) Ahh!

(LAUGHS)

(ENGINE STARTS)

I think maybe the hug disoriented me and I...

(RADIO TURNS ON) MAN ON RADIO: Coming up next, we'll have Knicks Coach

Jeff Hornacek calling in for an exclusive one-on-one...

Hey. Hey, did you guys get it?

What happened to your eye?

I'm afraid we've got some bad news.

There was a gas leak at the pawnshop. The whole place blew.

What? Are you kidding me?

That's how this baby happened.

I took a brick to the face.

The owl was lost in the rubble. It's just a mess.

We're gonna get a couple brews.

Yeah, we're pretty shaken. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, who cares about the stupid owl?

I'm just... I'm glad you guys are okay.

Yeah, we're getting there.

Couple Heinekens ought to take care of it.

Couple of Heinis.

You don't believe that story, do you?

Not a word. That's his go-to.

When Jack was 6, my dad told him the tooth fairy blew up.

Well, technically, her car, but, you know, she was in it.

(SCOFFS)

(DOOR CLOSES) KYLE: Vanessa,

met your hairdresser.

* Don't want no sweet perfume

* Shake your thing, go bust your move

* Do, do, do, do, do

* Do, do, do, do

* Oh, yeah

* Don't want no high-heel shoes

* I just don't want no...