All language subtitles for The.Watch.2012.720p.BrRip.x264.YIFY

EVAN: What's out there?
Out on the great beyond?

And what's beyond that?
What's beyond "beyond"?

The answer is,
I don't know.

And quite frankly,
I don't want to know.

Because what I do know
is that they don't
hoId a candIe

to the greatest town...

in the greatest country
on the greatest planet...

in the whoIe universe.

Glenvoew, Ohoo...

USA, Earth.

Here in Glenview,
we value diversity.

l, myself, am friends
with an lndian man
named Clyde...

and Mrs. Kim,
a wonderful widow
from Korea.

Hey, Mrs. Kim.
Spray me!

Spray me, neighbor.

Whoo!

Sun shower.
Fun shower.

l don't have any
black friends yet,
but l am on the market.

My name's Evan Trautwig.
Oh, Ed Bosani.

Every day, l ask
not what Glenview
can do for me...

but what can l do
for Glenview.

Jared, your gIutes
are tighter than
a snare drum.

That's why l founded
the running club...

the Spanish table
at the community center.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

And created the position
of Deputy Secretary
at the city council.

AII right,
next item
on the agenda. . .

stipuIates curb height
for wheeIchair access. . .

be no more than
six inches in height.

I know this is a hot topic,
so I wiII defer
to the commissioner.

Here, dreams
really do come true.

A simple man can
start out as
a junior manager at Costco.

And, 1 2 years later,
with hard work
and gumption...

end up the senior manager
at that very same Costco.

I shouId know,
because that man's
name is me.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

I don't mean to
bust your chops, kid,
but this is totaI buIIshit.

Those rats are as fIat
as they ever have been.

I'm sorry.
It reaIIy shouId
be working.

Excuse me, sir,
if I might.

The activation button
is right there.

HoIy shit!
This is incredibIe.

There's chipmunks
coming out of the TV,
Costco!

Look, the whoIe
gang's here.

It's a great set.
FuII HD. 1 080p,
240 hertz, TrueMotion.

Hey! Buddy, pIease,
this is a miracIe
of technoIogy.

This is incredibIe.
Where do I pay
for this baby?

Justin wiII Ioad you up.
Go to front-end check out.

You're a beauty.
Thank you, switch man.

Turning the switch on.
Turning on a whoIe
new worId for me.

Hey, Justin, if we stop by
some free food sampIes. . .

I'm not going to
be pissed, either.

EVAN: But you know what?
lt's not all about work.

l have had a lot of fun...

and formed friendships
that will last a lifetime.

(WATCH BEEPING)

Hey! There he is.

So?

There are fifty stars
in the American fIag.

The Constitution
was created in 1 787.

And, I am now
an American citizen.

(LAUGHS) ReaIIy!

Yes.
Oh !

Antonio, that's great!

I knew it. Good things
happen to good peopIe.

And you are a good man.

And Iook, boss.

I got a new tattoo
to ceIebrate.

Wow. That's reaIIy
fresh, isn't it?
Yeah.

"Proud to be an American."
Good.

Maybe keep it covered,
though, because it's not
reaIIy Costco poIicy, okay?

Yes, of course, boss.

I'm proud of you.
This is great.

AII right,
I have to get out of here.

Oh, hey, Iisten.

If a bag of BugIes
and a six-pack of
Coke go missing. . .

it's on me.
You earned it.

Thanks, boss.

(BOTH BIDDING FAREWELL
IN SPANISH)

(BOYZ N THE HOOD
PLAYING ON STEREO)

Woke up quick
at about noon

Just thought that
l had to be in Compton soon

l gotta get drunk
before the day begins

Before my mother
starts bitching
about my friends

A car pulls up
Who can it be?

A fresh El Camino
rolling Kilo G

He rolled down his window
and he started to say

lt's all about making
that G.T.A.

Costco security,
motherfuckers!

Yo, man

Get the fuck out

Cruising down the street
in my six-fo'

Jocking the bitches
Slapping the hos

l went to the park
to get the scoop

Knuckleheads out there
Cold, shooting some hoop

'Cause the boys in the hood
are always hard

You come talking that trash
and we'll pull your card

Oh, yeah.

It's time to come
out of the pooI,
Denise.

Hey. . .

What the heII, man !

(SIGHS)

Shit.

(SWITCHES CLICKING)

(ELECTRICITY SURGES)

HeIIo?

Mr. Trautwig?

Is that you?

(PANTING)

(CLATTERING)
(GASPS)

Who's there?

Okay.

(SOFT GROWL)
(RATTLES)

Oh.

What the fuck?

Listen,
they gave me a gun, okay?

And they didn't teach me
to use it properIy.

So, you're in
a Iot of danger.

If you don't just
back the fuck up, okay?

(THUDDING)

Oh, no!

(GRUNTING)

(GASPING)

ABBY: It's just
a baby shower, hon.

EVAN: I don't know
why you're so excited
about going there.

Everything is
so great here.

We used to hate
New York together.

It was Iike
one of our things.

It is great here, Evan.
I Iove it. It's just
a IittIe boring.

ActuaIIy,
it's super boring.

I want to get out
and see the worId
a IittIe bit.

Get some cuIture,
eat some good food.
Go to a few museums.

We have museums here.

I think we're stiII
a coupIe of days away.

But when I get back,
I'm going to waIk
through that door. . .

and we're going
to S-C-R-E-W. . .

Ooh !

right on the kitchen fIoor.

Mmm. I Iove it
when you speII it.

DefiniteIy.
Or we couId do it
in the bedroom.

Thank you.

Or we couId start
in the kitchen, then
move up to the bedroom.

Bye.
Have fun.

Be safe!

I Iove you.

What is going on?

(SIREN WAILS)

Whoa. Sorry, sir,
I can't Iet you in there.

It's okay, I'm the manager.
This is my store.

I'm afraid your
store is cIosed
untiI further notice.

What are you
taIking about?

We can't divuIge that, sir.
PoIice poIicy.

Oh, wait a second,
you're the manager.

Do you happen to know
the name of the guy
who was working Iast night?

Yes, Antonio.
Antonio Guzman.

Why? Did something
happen to him?

Guzman.

Yeah, he's dead.

What?

Are you sure?

Pretty sure.

It Iooks Iike your friend
was ripped apart
by a wiId animaI.

Jesus!

We're deaIing with
one sick son of a "b."

Took the victim's skin.

(STAMMERING)
Are there. . . any Ieads?

Or fingerprints?
Or did they. . .?

SIow down, guy.
We onIy got here
two hours ago.

We strung up
this yeIIow tape,
which took a whiIe.

So, you knew
the victim weII?

Yeah, he's a friend.

He just became
an American citizen.

And that made you angry.

No, it made me happy.
I was happy for him.

Then why did
you kiII him?

I didn't kiII him.

What are you
taIking about?

Why are you
staring at me Iike that?

Just kidding. Come on,
maybe you can
heIp ID the body.

Back here.
I had you going,
though. Man !

(THE SOUNDS OF SlLENCE
PLAYING IN SPANISH)

(EXHALES)

NEWSCASTER ON TV:
The victim has been
identified as Antonio Guzman.

Here's what police told us
about the attack.

BRESSMAN: We wiII do
the best we can...

but I, for one,
would like to put some
of the responsibility...

on the citizens
of this town.

(SCOFFS)
There are only
eight cops in this town,

and there's
thousands of you guys.

Not to point fingers
or anything, but...

Stay with us for
the latest details
on this developing story.

Back to you, Gail.

(ANTE UP PLAYING)

(CHEERING)

(HORN BLARING)

That's the haIf,
and as the pIayers
march into the Iocker room. . .

we're going to be joined
on the fieId by, um. . .

Evan Trautwig.

Did anyone here
cry themseIves
to sIeep Iast night?

(CROWD SNICKERING)

It's okay.
You can Iaugh.

Laughter is
a common expression
of grief.

And yes, I did cry. . .

because a man was
kiIIed yesterday.

But tonight,
my tears have
turned to fists.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Because whoever did this
is stiII out there.

BOY: Who is this guy?

And we need to stop him
before he strikes again !

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Oh, he struck again.
(BOYS LAUGHING)

EVAN: No more murders!

Shh !
(CHOKES)

EVAN: Because
our society has ruIes.

And one of
those ruIes is. . .

you can't kiII someone
and take their skin !

That's not cooI.

So, with that in mind,
I am forming
a neighborhood watch.

A task force of
concerned citizens

to soIve the murder
of Antonio Guzman.

To keep an eye
on any and aII
suspicious activities. . .

and generaIIy. . .

get to the bottom
of things.

Thank you.

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)

Okay. SoIid turnout.

Thanks everybody
for coming.

You're that guy
from Costco, right?

Yes. I am that guy.

Okay.

EVAN: AII right.
You want to--?
(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh.

One more concerned citizen.

Do you mind if I
Iook around the pIace
a IittIe bit?

Looks Iike you have
a Iot of knickknacks.

Oh, wow. Hi.

Neighborhood watch
meeting is. . .?

Yes. ReaIIy?
Yeah.

Great. I'm Evan.
I'm Jamarcus.

Great to meet you.
Good to meet you.

Great, that's great.
I was hoping another
person wouId come. . .

and you're the best
type of person
it couId be.

ActuaIIy, I couIdn't
have even hoped
for someone Iike you.

I'm so pIeased
to have this effect
this earIy.

Terrific, this is exciting.
Come on in.

I'm excited, too.
Great.

Most peopIe are disappointed
when they meet me
which is so. . .

British?
I am, and you're American.

Yeah.

This Iooks Iike
it's from ThaiIand
or something.

I don't know what it is.
BeautifuI.

Oh, my God !
There's another
doII in here.

Hi, Iook at this.
There's a doII in here.

Man, Iook at this thing.
Oh, my God,
there's another one.

Look at this.
Did you know that?

Yeah. I did.

It's a Russian nesting doII.
Do you want to have a seat?

That's incredibIe.
Look at that IittIe doII.

Oh, my goodness,
Iook at that.
It keeps going.

It keeps going, there's more.
There's more doIIs in here.

They caII them
nesting doIIs.

You want to sit down?
We can start the meeting.

There's more doIIs.
You have one doII,
you have another.

I put this on
top of this doII.

I just have to see.
I have to get to
the bottom of it.

You're kidding me.

Okay, why don't
we start the meeting?

You're not going to teII me
that goes again.

What's that?

Guys, there's another one.

Where can I pick
one of these up?

I'm not sure.

Want to sit down?
We can get going.

I'm going to jump
in here and do this.

Let's make party
out of this thing, right?

Here's some handbooks.

Uh-huh.

AII right.
My name is Evan.

I want to thank
you aII for coming. . .

and I thought we'd start out
by just getting
to know each other.

Maybe we each stand up,
say who we are. . .

why we joined up,
what it's aII about
for us, okay?

You have any beers
whiIe we get acquainted?

Beers? No, no beers.

AII right,
I'II start this off.

My name is Bob,
with a "B." (CHUCKLES)

WeIcome, Bob.

I Iove the town.
I Iove my wife,
I Iove my daughter.

And I Iove getting a chance
to hang with the guys.

So, I'm reaIIy into
what you're doing here.

Once a week,
away from the
wife and kids.

TeIIing some dirty jokes,
having some beers,
if we're good.

I reaIIy Iook forward
to getting a chance
at tearing this shit up.

ReaIIy fucking it up.

Great. Thank you, Bob.

ReaIIy great
to meet you, bub.
You, too, paI.

Uh. . .

That was a great speech.

I'm FrankIin.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

WeIcome, FrankIin.

Yeah.

A few years ago,
I dropped out
of high schooI.

I wasn't feeIing
the vibe.

I wanted to become
a member of the GIenview
PoIice Department.

I guess they didn't see
the magic that was me.

ApparentIy,
I didn't pass
the written exam. . .

or the physicaI exam,
or the mentaI heaIth exam.

Whatever that means.

So, here I am with
this vigiIante squad.

And I figure,
that's the best way

to work through
my emotionaI shit. . .

and bust some heads
in the process.

Okay. Just to be cIear,
we're not a vigiIante squad.

VigiIante squad, miIitia. . .
Whatever you're going for,
doesn't matter.

No, not a miIitia
or a vigiIante squad.

Every group
needs a wiId card. . .

and I think
it's safe to say
we found ours.

I dig it.

Thank you, FrankIin.

You got a good one here.

What are you about?

HeIIo, my name is Jamarcus.
I'm recentIy very
happiIy divorced. . .

and just Iooking
to get more invoIved
in the IocaI community.

WeII, that was simpIe.
WeIcome, Jamarcus.

AIso, I have
this one scenario
in my mind. . .

that I'm kind of hoping
pIays out Iike this.

Young, sexy, Asian housewife.
AIone at night, frightened.

A noise out
by the trash cans.

Best caII
the Neighborhood Watch.

I show up,
Iook heroic and then,
get this. . .

She sucks my baIIs.

(IMITATES GUNSHOT)

Hear me now.

I'm aIso interested
in that happening to me.

Okay, weII,
Jamarcus, Bob, FrankIin.

I guess it doesn't matter
what brought us aII here.

What matters is
that we're aII united
in one cause.

And, with that,
I wouId Iike to weIcome

you aII to the first
officiaI meeting of. . .

the Neighborhood Watch.

(SOFTLY) Yay!

Now, I've taken
the Iiberty. . .

of dividing GIenview
into 1 2 sectors.

Though some might argue
there are 1 3. . .

if you abide by
the Yorktown Zoning
Commission ruIing.

I'm not buying it,
but I'm not from
HoneyweII County.

Thank God.

I'm sorry to be
the squeaky wheeI. . .

but it feeIs Iike
you have a Iot of
dense materiaI. . .

that you're starting
to go through here.

And to be honest with you,
my house is about
five bIocks away. . .

and I just
fixed her up.

GentIemen, I got drinks,
I got La-Z-Boys,
I got fIat screens.

I got the whoIe nine.
I know you guys
are going to Iove it.

I just want to
throw it out there.

If I'm overstepping,
just say the word. . .

and you're not going
to hear another squeak
from this IittIe wheeI.

WeII, honestIy. . .

That sounds a fuck-Ioad
better than this.
No offense.

I don't even know
why I'm stiII sitting here.

I'm going to go
warm up the car.

BOB: You're going
to Iove this pIace.
It's awesome.

GentIemen. . .

WeIcome to paradise.

Oh, yes.

BOB: I'm a construction
manager, and. . .

I buiIt this
IittIe sIice of heaven
with my own two hands.

It's so nice. I Iove it.
I'II set up over there.

You have a pooI tabIe.

Yeah, I just got it
re-feIted. Go ahead
and take her for a spin.

Hey, you Iike
that thing, huh?

It feeIs Iike this chair
is inside me, Robert.

That is the best
$2,300 I ever spent.

I got it at a pIace caIIed
reIaxtheback.com.

It's Iike Toys "R" Us
for your ass and back.

It feeIs Iike a thousand
IittIe baby wizards are
massaging my ass cheeks. . .

with their IittIe
baby wands.

PowerfuI imagery, brother.
I'm digging where
he's coming from.

Handbooks. Boom.

What's your poison?
You down with Scotch?

No poison.
Scotch and yes.

No.
Scotch and yes!

EVAN: We got a Iot
of ground to cover

and we're aIready
an hour behind.

So, why don't we just dig in
and then we can get
to whatever afterwards?

Guitar.

Come on, Evan,
we're just bonding
a IittIe bit.

TeII me about yourseIf.
I know you got a wife.

Do you have any kids?
How oId?

Uh, zero years oId.
No kids.

That's a shame.

I couIdn't imagine
my Iife without
my IittIe CheIsea.

Being a parent
is unbeIievabIe.
That's great.

CHELSEA: Dad, can I go
to a movie at 1 1 ?

HeII, no!
It's a weeknight!

But Mandy and
Judy are going.

Mandy? Thank you
for proving my point.

Mandy's dead weight,
she's a succubus.
I toId you that.

Dad, I'm trying to
taIk to you Iike an aduIt,
and you just--

Don't want to Iisten !
That's right, so skedaddIe.

Get up there and
do your homework.

Are you serious?
I fucking hate it here.

I fucking Iove it here!

That's my IittIe princess.
That's my IittIe angeI,
CheIsea.

I'm sorry
I didn't get a chance
to introduce you guys.

How about some drinks?
Fresh horses for my men.

Yes, thank you.

BOB: Get in there,
Frankfurter!

Yeah.
No.

BOB: Come on, Evaroo.

No, thanks.
You'II be bummed
if you don't.

Can I interest anyone
in some finger foods?

I got to order some pies
up in this thing, right?

Okay, you know what?
You guys got your own
thing going on there.

I am going to
put up some fIiers.

Come on,
have one drink.

No?
I'II see you guys.

Okay. See you
tomorrow night.

Same Bob time.
Same Bob pIace.

Hey, feIIa!
What are you doing?

There you are.

1 1 62 Jerome Park Drive.

Excuse me?

I'm 1 1 57 Jerome Park Drive.

Name's PauI.
I just moved in.

EVAN: Oh.

Oh, sorry. I'm Evan, hi.

Evan.

Evan Trautwig,
subscriber to
Men's Fitness.

Oh, yeah, that's mine.

Thank you.
Not that you need it.

Excuse me?

You got the body of
a decathIete, Evan.

And you got great skin.

You Iive here aIone
in this big oId house?

No, I Iive with my wife.

My femaIe wife, Abby.

I'm going to go inside now.
Mmm.

AII right, Evan Trautwig,
nice to meet you.

Stay fit.

Evan Trautwig !

Yeah.

It was reaIIy cute.
We aII got our
own puff paints. . .

and made these IittIe
customized onesies.

Wow.
So, you started
another cIub.

No, it's not a cIub.
It's a task force
of concerned citizens.

I went to the Spartan's game
and made a speech.

And the community
reaIIy responded.

Guess who peed
on an ovuIation stick
on the pIane?

You?
Yep.

It's kind of faint,
but I think there's
two pink Iines.

Yeah? I can't teII.

WeII, I think we
shouId do it anyway.

I wouId Iove to do it.
Just to be safe.

Mmm. Mmm.

But I got to go meet
the Neighborhood Watch
guys for a patroI.

Evan, you promised.

I know, but I aIso promised
Antonio's famiIy that
I wouId catch his kiIIer.

I made a vow.

Okay, okay.

It's a great
group of guys.

ReaIIy. I'm very excited.

Here we go.
Badass jackets
for the Watch.

I went to
the maII this morning
and I had them made up.

Get them
whiIe they're hot.

JAMARCUS: Let's do it.

Got your names on them.

AII right, Bob,
this is great.

What happened
to my Iogo?

This is just Iike
your initiaI Iogo,
onIy now it's awesome.

This has nothing to do
with my originaI Iogo.

My Iogo was an eye
that was watching
over the neighborhood.

I don't know what this is.
A tiger with wings?

ExactIy.

This is a tiger,
who's fierce and sIeek.

But it's got wings,
so it fIies above
the neighborhood.

And if it sees
a domestic probIem,
it kiIIs it.

The other thing is,
your originaI one is here.

FRANKLIN:
Got the eye right
there on the side.

It's aIways on the side.

That's weird, because
it's Iike an eye
on the shouIder. . .

but there's
a tiger on your back.

Weird, how?

What are we,
the FIaming Tigers?

Because that's
what it Iooks Iike.

We're the FIaming
FIying Tigers.

It makes no sense.

Are you out of your mind?

This is inspiring
for the Watch.

Whenever you
have a tiger,
fIames and wings,

aII on the same Iogo. . .

it's Iike
the Chinese symboI for
"Shut the fuck up and dance!"

This is inspiring
for the Watch.

I don't know.
What, are we in
a doo-wop group?

Are we're going to
stand over a garbage can
with fire and harmonize?

I wouId see
this doo-wop group.

For your information,
doo-wop groups were
known to cIose ass.

Singing was their hobby.
CIosing ass was their job.

The baritone from Boyz II Men
had to stop making music. . .

because he got
so much pussy.

Thank you.
They're Iike
ass coIIectors.

This is not about fashion.
This is about brotherhood.

This is about soIidarity.
You shouId get that
more than anybody.

He's actuaIIy right.

Pigs have uniforms.
I think we shouId
have uniforms, too.

We have to match
those fuckers
on every IeveI.

You understand?
Every IeveI.

Can I just say, Bob,
that these are the shits?

Just "the shit."

These are just shit.

Okay, you know what?
Fine, I'II wear it.

But you have
to promise me
that tonight. . .

we're actuaIIy
going to do something.
Okay?

AbsoIuteIy.
For sure.

GentIemen,
we're part of
more than a cIub.

We're part of
a way of Iife.

We're making
a commitment to ourseIves
and to the Watch today.

Get your hands
in here, Evan.

Get that pretty
hand in there.

On three,
Iet me hear you singing out
with pride in your hearts.

Neighborhood Watch.
One, two, three.

ALL: Neighborhood Watch.

FRANKLIN: Yeah,
this is boring.

FrankIin's right.
We're not going to
sit here aII night, are we?

Yeah, guys, we are,
if we need to.
It's a stakeout.

I don't mean to
sound chiIdish,
but I do have to pee.

You shouId have
peed earIier.

I'm sorry, as an aduIt,
you're just going
to have to hoId it.

How are you doing,
Jamarcus?
Ready.

I stiII have to pee.
The Iiquid comes in,
the Iiquid's got to come out.

I got to piss.

Why don't you
just pee in this?
BOB: Oh, great.

That's a good idea.

Don't pee in that.

I'm mounting up to piss.

No, you're not
going to pee in a can.

Why not?
No, Bob.

I'm not going to miss
anything. I'm a good shot,

I'm going to get it perfect.
Open the door.

I've taken Iots of
road trips. I've aIways
done that shit.

No. Piss out the door.

And bIow our
stakeout position?

You're not going
to pee in a can.

I'd never hear the end
of it from you if I bIew
our stakeout position.

There's no shot.

I got to mount up.
I'm mounting up.

Okay, in we're going.
Oh, my God, we're going.
(URINATING)

I've had to pee
so bad for so Iong,

it's borderIine sexuaI,
Evaroo.

I'm not missing, either.
TeII him.

It's incredibIy
controIIed, Evan.

It's Iike he's
threading a needIe.

I know I'm okay because
I can feeI the steeI
right around the tip.

I've got the mushroom pushed
right against the coId steeI.

Bob, hit me with a beat.
Hit me with a stop and go.

Stop it.
(STOPS URINATING)

Make it happen.
(CONTINUES URINATING)

Stop it.

Make it happen.

Stop it.
Make it happen.

You're kiIIing it.

And we're done.

WeII done.

Thank you.
That was a good idea.

WouId you be a paI
and hoId this for me?

Oh, come on !
That's enough.

I'm busting your chain !

Hey, did I miss anything
whiIe I was pissing?

Did we catch the kiIIer?
(CACKLING)

Lighten up, big guy!

I'm gIad you think
this is so funny, Bob.

I'm gIad you think
this is a Iaugh riot,
okay?

Let's aII have a Iaugh
whiIe Antonio Guzman's kiIIer

continues to roam free.

You know what?
He's right.

That sicko's probabIy
out there right now,

staring at us
from a distance.

Beating the Iiving
shit out of his dick.

ReIiving his sick fantasy.

(POPS)

What are you doing?

Popping a top.

No, you can't do that.
Why not?

It's against the Iaw,
it's iIIegaI.

You can't have
open aIcohoI in a car.

The car's not moving.
There's not even a key
in the ignition.

Doesn't matter.

FrankIin, you faiIed
the poIice test.
Is this iIIegaI?

It's definiteIy iIIegaI.

But I aIso faiIed
the boring test,
you know what I'm saying?

I dig it.
Hook me up.

I'm going to drink
this IittIe, IittIe cervezas.

AII right, Jamarky-Mark?
CannonbaII coming at you,
coming in hot.

Evaroo,
you want to hoId off?

I don't bIame you,
you're driving.

Hey, to great times.
And doing it right.

JAMARCUS:
To criminaIity.

FRANKLIN: Evan,
tasty cervezas.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Keep it Iow, guys.
SeriousIy.

Put it Iow, put it
between your knees.
Even Iower.

I've been here
many times, trust me.

Act Iike nothing's
going on, you're fine.

FRANKLIN: Fucking guys.

HeIIo, officers.

Evening, gentIemen.
Are you doing
a IittIe cruising?

No, officers.
We're actuaIIy on. . .

Neighborhood Watch business.

Hide your bong, Chucho!
Neighborhood Watch is here.

Sergeant,
do you remember me?

BRESSMAN: No.

Have I arrested you before?
I'm not so good with faces.

(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)
Not good with faces.

You're a cop.
What do you mean you're
not good with faces?

I don't see
the connection.

But what I have been seeing
are these babies.

How's it been going?

Good, actuaIIy.
Very good.

Great.

We thought we'd
start here at the Costco
and stake it out for a whiIe.

Because as you know,
most kiIIers return to
the scene of the crime.

Oh, of course they do.

The kiIIer aIways returns
to the scene of the crime.

So, fancy seeing
you here, Trautwig.

At the scene
of the crime.

I don't know
what that means.

It means it's super-suspicious
that you're here right now.

And it makes me feeI
Iike you have some secrets.

WeII, I don't.

Anyhoo, when you feIIas
finish pIaying Hardy Boys. . .

don't forget to
pay this ticket

for those open
aIcohoI containers.

And, this one is for
putting up 200 fIiers
without a permit.

What?

I'm sorry, guys.

You feIIas
have a safe night.

Hit it, Chucho.

(SIREN WAILS)

God damn it!

I know he remembers me.
He's just messing
with my head.

You can't drink
in your car anymore?

What the heII is
this country coming to?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Evan Trautwig.

Yes. Of course.

Noise compIaint at
the footbaII fieId.

This is it, guys.

It's our first caII.

HeII, yeah ! Let's roII.

Let's do it.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Do you see anything?

Uh-uh.

HeIIo?
BOB: What the heII?

Turn off the Iights!

Ahh !

(ALL GROANING)
FRANKLIN: I'm hit!

BOB: What the fuck
is going on?

FRANKLIN: Robert,
we're getting ambushed !

BOB: What's happening?

We're getting egged.
It's raining egg !

We came to heIp!

YoIks on you,
ass-wipes!

YoIks on me?

A fucking pun !
I'm going to
kiII this kid.

I'm going to kiII you.

FRANKLIN: God damn it!

They're getting away, Bob!

No, they're not.

Because one of us
is the founder of the
GIenview Running CIub!

(YELLS)
(GRUNTS)

Yeah, you fucked
him up, man !

BOB: Who's Iaughing now, kid?

I bet you didn't
egg-spect to get
your ass kicked.

You throw eggs at peopIe.
You think that's funny?

Look at how much
pain he's in.

Guess what you
Iearned tonight?

You don't mess with
the Neighborhood Watch, baby!

Undefeated !

Look at Evaroo
with the high hands.

FRANKLIN:
Shit, we got him !

(ALL CLAMORING)

(THE NEXT EPlSODE PLAYING)

La, da, da, da, dah
lt's the motherfucking
D-O-double-G

Snoop Dogg

La, da, da, da, dah
You know l'm mobbing
with the D-R-E

Yeah, yeah, yeah

You know who's back up
in this motherfucker

Motherfucker

A-ha!

That's right.
Neighborhood Watch.

Suck a fat dick, Chucho.

What's going
on here, guys?

Egging, Sergeant.

This guy's an egger.
Eggs, huh?

Yeah, eggs.
The coward's weapon.

It's good you
brought him in.

And then he tried
to run away on
his IittIe skitterboard.

Did you reaIIy? Hmm?

Get back to the pIayground,
and the monkey bars.

Do you think it's nice
to throw eggs at peopIe?

Do you?

Answer the question.

It's rude.

It hurts peopIe's feeIings,
and it hurts their faces.

And now, you deaI
with the consequences.

HomegirI's trying
to make an omeIet.

Look at me.
Look at his face.

Look at my face.
Look at his face
and Iisten to me.

Look at him
and Iisten to me.

Look at him
and understand me.

Look at both of us,
but understand no one.

Listen to my words
and hear his face.

EVAN: Do you think
it is funny to throw an egg
in somebody's face?

FRANKLIN: You think
it's a yoIk?

I'II shove a fuII egg
inside your asshoIe
and watch it hatch.

FrankIin. . .
Inappropriate.

I understand,
that's too far.
Sorry.

She's aII yours.

Great work.

Here's your bag.

(LAUGHS) WeII,
that was super weird.

Am I under arrest?

Of course not.
Those guys are a joke.

Can one of you guys
give me a ride home
or something?

Fuck, no.

I'm not a chauffeur,
and neither is
Chucho over here.

Right, buddy?
Get out of here.

ReaI nice.

HeIIo?

Okay. ReaIIy hiIarious.

Quit screwing around
or I'm going
to peIt somebody.

Screw you. I'm out of here.

Leave me aIone!

Just Ieave me aIone!

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

FRANKLIN:
We are fucking gods!

(YOU AlN'T SEEN NOTHlNG YET
PLAYING)

BOB: What did she say, Evan?

ALL: (SINGING)
You ain't seen nothing yet

Come back again.

B-b-baby, you just
ain't seen nothing yet

TeII me about it.

(OVERLAPPING SINGING)

What?

B-b-baby, you just
ain't seen nothing yet

Damn right.
You been around !

(VOCALIZING)

BOB: AII the way
from London, EngIand.

Put your hands together.
Make him feeI weIcome,
everybody.

Now this is Jamarky-Mark.

He said that
any love is good love

Here we go.

So l took what l could get

Yes, l took what l could get

And then she looked at me
with those big, brown eyes

(THUDS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)

ALL: Oh, shit!

BOB: Is everyone aII right?
Are you guys okay?

We hit someone.

What?

Was it a kid?
Evan, did you hit a kid?

No. What?

Why did you take your eyes
off the road to sing?

There's beer and piss
aII over the car.

Everyone just stay
caIm for a second.
Let's focus, just reIax.

We can't caIm down.

There's open aIcohoI,
we're inebriated.
I have weed in my pocket.

Evan couId get
1 5 years to Iife
for this.

What?

FRANKLIN:
Don't worry about that.

This can't happen to me.

Here's what we do,
we focus on the Iiving.
Just drive us out of here.

I'm not going to drive away.
I'm going to see what it is.

Evan?

What is it?

It Iooks Iike you just
hit some freakishIy
big fIy or something.

What the fuck
is this thing?

It Iooks Iike
an octopus tentacIe
or something.

AII right,
I think it's very obvious
what happened here, guys.

It doesn't take
a brain surgeon
to figure this one out.

Evan accidentIy,
obviousIy,

hit a crate that
feII off the back
of a truck. . .

that just so happened
to be carrying some
freshIy caught octopus. . .

to a nearby
sushi estabIishment.

It's octopus
and a fresh one.

You got nothing but the thing
and the octopus and this. . .

and I think we pack it in
and we know what happened.

Okay. Worst-case scenario.

Evan murdered
a Japanese man

who was eating octopus
whiIe crossing the street.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on.
I did not murder anybody.

It doesn't matter.
Do you know why?

Because no one's
going to say shit
about this to anybody.

Because we don't dime
on our feIIow
Neighborhood Watchers, okay?

Wait a second,
I've seen this
stuff before.

Back at Costco,
this was the stuff
by Antonio's body.

Had he just won
a NickeIodeon's
Kids' Choice award?

FrankIin, he was dead.

So, he wasn't eIigibIe.

That's pretty amazing,
then, that he won.

Because, usuaIIy
you have to do
some sort of. . .

kids-type thing
to win that award.

(SQUISHING)

It feeIs Iike cum.

Ew.

I dare anyone to touch it
and teII me it doesn't
feeI Iike cum.

May I?

Yeah, that's cum.

WeII, it's green.
It's not cum,
it feeIs Iike cum.

The texture, the fIavor,
the coIor, the consistency.

It's very cum-Iike.

Hey, guys,
check this out.
I found something.

What is it?

FRANKLIN: I don't know.

It Iooks Iike a big,
siIver basketbaII
or something.

What is it?

It Iooks Iike a toy.

What the fuck is that?

What is going on
up here?

We got company.

What in the heII
are you peopIe
doing in my yard?

Hi. Sorry, we're the
Neighborhood Watch.

We're just out on
a nightIy patroI.

How are you doing?
I'm Evan Trautwig.

I got your neighborhood watch
right here, sweet Iips.

EVAN: We're on
your side, sir.

We're just wondering
if you heard
anything strange. . .

or just anything
out of the ordinary
tonight.

You mean Iike
four nitwits. . .

standing around on my Iawn
in the middIe of the night?

That's kind of strange,
don't you think?

If being overIy aggressive
and a IittIe bit
snippy was a crime. . .

I'd be making
a citizen's arrest
right now.

Why don't you just shut
your cocksucker there,
dickweed?

We're taking time out
of our busy scheduIes
to heIp the neighborhood. . .

so, I think
you couId just--
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Excuse me.
I got a phone caII, here.

Hey, BiII.
"BiII."

I got four members
of the Baby-sitters
CIub up here. . .

It's the Neighborhood Watch.

. . .trying to soIve
some kind of mystery
before beddy-bye time.

I'II caII you back Iater.

It's okay, sir,
we get it. Thank you.
(COCKS RIFLE)

You guys,
I'm going to count to ten.

You know what?
Let's start again.

I'm going to
count to ten !

He wants to count.

SteaI that cooI baII.

Two. Three.

Nice to meet you.

Fuck you, CurIy.

Four.

Get in your goddamn
soccer mom van
and move on out.

Neighborhood Watch,
what a fucking joke.

EVAN: Look at this.

Every time
I stick a finger in,
another Iight goes off.

That's weird.

Why don't we try to
stick aII our fingers
in at the same time

and see what happens?

AII right, guys,
Iet's aII finger
these hoIes together.

This is a bad idea.

Don't be such a pussy,
Jamarcus. Come on.

Come over here
and finger-bang
this baII with us.

I don't Iike this.

Come on, Jamarcus.

Fine, but this
is a bad idea.

Get your finger in there.

(MOOS)
ALL: Whoa!

Jesus!

HoIy shit!
Are you kidding me?

Did you see that shit?

That cow's fucking
head expIoded.

That's terribIe for
the cow but this thing's
fucking awesome.

This is a major find.

This thing is the shit!

Okay, nobody touches
this baII untiI we
figure out what it is.

We definiteIy shouId not
fuck around with this thing.

The Iast thing we want to do
is cause a disturbance.

(STRAlGHT OUTTA COMPTON
PLAYING)

(ALL EXCLAIM)

(WHOOPING)
Goodbye, tractor!

Yeah !

(ALL WHOOPING)

BOB: Hay, yeah !
Hay, now!

Hey, great.
That's hiIarious,
that was so fun.

We bIew that shit up.

That cow's fucking head
just poofed, just puffed.

Guys, this is not
from this worId.

I think it couId
be the government.

There are Iots of
these kind of prototypes
that you find.

It's aIways
the government.

I don't disagree
that there couId
be a government. . .

or an aIien
or where governments
and aIiens connect.

Get the fuck
out of here, man.
They're not aIiens.

EVAN: I think you're paranoid.
I'm not paranoid.

Everything's
on the tabIe.

It was probabIy on
the way to the Mac Store
and feII off the truck.

This is Iike a magicaI
8-BaII, bowIing baII
that bIows shit up.

I'm trying to find
a kiIIer, here.

Right. A kiIIer aIien.

Somebody kiIIed Antonio,
okay? I don't know
if they're an aIien.

I don't know if
it was an octopus.
I don't know what it was. . .

or who it was,
but this has something
to do with it, right?

Yes. That's a yes.

We don't know what it is.

That's a correct as weII.

It's the same goo
that was on Antonio's body.

This is information
you're sharing
and I'II say "yes" to it.

The goo was on the car.

The orb was near the car.

Let's caII her Lucy.

The second
after we find. . .

BOTH: Lucy. . .

who kicks us off his property?
Crazy oId guy with a shotgun.

Why did he want us
off his property?

Why did he not
want us near the
baII or the goo?

We have got to
kick his tires.

There's something
we have to figure out.

I think we dress
FrankIin up as a girI
named Francesca.

He goes to the door
as a saIesman

because they'II
suspect him
any other way.

He's pretty enough.
I'm Iistening.

He's an attractive guy
and he has the features
where he can fooI them.

Feminine features.

We put FrankIin in a costume
to befriend the oId man.

He Iets FrankIin
in the house.
Boom, he's in !

Now it's inteI,
he's under the radar.

It's an attractive
Iady showing up.

His Iiver-spotted hands
are going to
want to caress her.

Can I teII you
something, Bob?

BOB: Mmm?

That couId work.

Yes!

FRANKLIN:
Here's the thing.
FinaIIy!

I'm not going
to go past second
with this oId guy. . .

but if I have to,
I wiII.

I think it's important
we get reaIIy confirmed. . .

on what you're prepared to do,
so it's not a new thing.

I wiII use both hands.
I won't use a mouth.

He may use his hands
and may not use his mouth.

I think you got to
make it aII go down
before you get found out.

What's the best
case on this one?

Here's the best
case scenario.

He's a IoneIy oId man,
he wants to waItz.

He wants to Iisten to
some of the oId songs
from his chiIdhood.

Worst case scenario,
you're getting
fucked in the ass.

Either way,
we're going to find out
who this oId guy is.

Either way, we're going
to get invoIved
in this guy's Iife.

Here's the pressing question.
What do we do with this?

We don't give it
to the cops.

Agreed. This is ours,
no one hears about it.

We keep it
a Neighborhood Watch secret.

Cheers.
We're in the game.

To the Watch.

Boom !

(SIGHS)

Ew.

"OMG, Mandy's party
is so awesome."

Good for Mandy.

Fricking kidding me, right?

(CROWD CHEERING)

CheIsea!

Dad, what the eff!

Don't "eff" me.
Who's this boy toy
named Jason?

Boy toy?

What's his toy story?

Wait, were you creeping
on my Facebook again?

Are you kidding me?

You're going to Iet
some guy carwash
the inside of your mouth. . .

with his tongue,
and then you're going
to post it on the Internet?

Stop
Internet-staIking me, okay?
Just get out of my room.

You don't see me and
your mom posting our
sessions on the Internet?

Ew! That's disgusting !

How do you think
that makes me feeI?
It is disgusting.

You keep your tongue
in your mouth.

And what's going on
with this coIIage?

This is moving
in the direction of
strippers on spring break.

That's a coIIage
of my friends, Dad.

The whoIe thing
is uncomfortabIe.

I'm not comfortabIe
with what's going on,
CheIsea.

If you're uncomfortabIe,
then get out!

Sex is for Iove.

"Sex is for Iove."

Here's what's happening now,
the video is off.

Okay, Dad, I'm going
to get the video off.

We got a probIem.
Okay, pIease, get out.

Houston, we have a probIem.

That's good. ReaIIy
productive conversation.

We shouId do more of it.

Right on the edge.

You're right on the edge.

(SIGHS)
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(SINGING)
You and tequila
make me crazy

Hey.
Hey, buddy.

Come on,
I saved a seat for you.

You said
you were desperate.

Here, take a Ioad off.

Look, I know
we're trying to catch
the Costco kiIIer, but. . .

it's good to have
an honest heart-to-heart

with just a coupIe
of guys, right?

There's my boy.
Bring it down here.
Get in here.

It's aII about
honesty, right?
Mmm.

I've been being honest
with my daughter,

I don't think
she wants to hear it.
(CHUCKLES)

My wife's been
traveIIing so much
for work. . .

that a Iot of
the parenting stuff
has faIIen on me IateIy.

How about you?

When are you going
to take the pIunge
and knock a few out?

It's not that simpIe.

WeII, it's about
as simpIe as putting
your dick in a vagina.

You know what I mean?
Make it happen.

WeII, I reaIIy
don't have a choice.

It turns out
that my gun. . .

doesn't reaIIy. . .
shoot too weII.

Gun?

You mean your prick?

Why are you saying "gun"?
It's just two guys,
sitting on a bench.

You can say it.
Say "prick," say "cock."
Just say "prick."

Anyway,
then you take a coupIe
of those bIue bombers.

You got to get that whang
nice and stiff.

It'II get you
aII monstered up.
Oh, it wiII.

And then you'II be fucking
Iike a champ in no time.

I know a guy
that'II give you some,
and I got some from Mexico--

That's not the probIem.

I'II get you some
of those Mexican bombs.

I can do everything.
It's just that. . .

About a year
and a haIf ago. . .

Okay.

. . .Abby and I started
trying to have kids.

And nothing
was happening.

So, on my own,
I went to see this doctor
to get my sperm checked.

I've aIways
wondered about that.

I've had a curiosity,
if you don't mind.

When you go to one
of those doctors. . .

do you jerk yourseIf off,
or does the doctor
jerk you off?

Or an assistant?

Is it Iike
a massage parIor?

Or do they have
a medicaI machine

that does
the miIking for you?

Like, miIks you
Iike an animaI.

I'm asking how you get
the cum out of you.

I. . .
They do it.

No, I jerk me off.

Okay.

Doesn't matter.
The point is,
I went, I got tested.

And. . . no go.

I'm shooting bIanks.

I couId shoot a bucketfuI,
it wouId make no difference.

The doctor's actuaI words.
"A bucketfuI."

It's because of me
we can't have kids.

Just me.

I didn't reaIize
that that's such
a big deaI.

I mean, it's 201 2.
Can't you just get
a baII transpIant?

Yeah, I don't
think the science
is there yet.

What did the oId Iady say
when you toId her?

Evaroony, don't teII me
that you haven't
taIked to her about it.

What am I going to say?

"Hey, honey, guess what.

"The one thing you
want most in the worId,
I can't give you."

Evan, you Iisten to me.

You taIk to Abby.

She married you.

Not your dead jizz.

Thanks.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Evan Trautwig.

This is Manfred Salisbury.

Are you on my roof?
What?

There is somebody on my roof,
jumping around like a maniac.

ls that one of you idiots?

It most certainIy is not.

PIease, just hang tight,
Mr. SaIisbury,
we'II be right there.

Yeah, l bet you will.

We have to get to Manfred's.
CaII the Watch, come on.

Nobody's here.

SeriousIy?

Did you see anybody
on the roof?

No.

Okay, we shouId fan out.

FrankIin,
you and Bob
get in the car.

Check the bIock,
see if you
get any action.

Jamarcus and I
wiII go around back.
Okay.

Got it.

Good.

Hey, guys, Iet's stay
focused. We're in
the fieId, right?

Okay.

N.W.

(OWL HOOTING)

(ANIMAL HOWLING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Shh.

Hear that?

This is Manfred's.

This is not good.

(RUSTLING)

(WHISPERING)
What is that?

I don't know.

(SOFT GROWL)

Oh, my God.

Evan, we shouId
run for our Iives.

We shouId go up to it.

Why wouId we go up to it?
We shouId go.

EVAN: It Iooks scared.

Maybe he's injured.
Maybe that's what
we hit in the car.

Yeah, and maybe it's reaIIy
pissed off about it
and is going to eat us.

OnIy one way to find out.

Come on.

Evan.

(HUMMING)

Evan, what the fuck
are you doing?

EVAN: It obviousIy
doesn't understand
our Ianguage.

I'm making friendIy tones
to show it that
we mean no harm.

(SINGING) HeIIo

Wow.

Oh, no.

I see you.

Hungry?

Food?

Gum.

It's okay.
You just chew it.

You want some?

(SINGING)
Gum, gum, gum for you

He Iikes it.
Jamarcus, he Iikes it.

Everyone Iikes gum.
Let's go.

He's digging something.

He's got something
he wants to show us.

Want to share
your gift, huh?

Oh, mother of fuck!

(GROWLS)

(SCREAMS)

Jamarcus,
what are you doing?

Run, man !

Run !

Fucker!

Oh, shit!

Jesus!

Are you okay?

That was
reaIIy stressfuI.

EVAN: I think I kiIIed it.

BOB: What's going on here?

GentIemen, we formed
the Neighborhood Watch. . .

with a very specific task.

To find the murderer
of my friend,
Antonio Guzman.

WeII, tonight,
I say to you. . .

HoIy shit!

Jesus Christ!

What the fuck
is that?

It's an aIien.

It kiIIed Manfred,
then it tried
to kiII Jamarcus.

I came up and naiIed it
with a garden gnome. . .

and it cracked its neck,
and it's dead.

This is fucking insane.

I know, we tried
to find a kiIIer,
but guess what?

We found
a fricking aIien.

It touches it
and it feeIs it. Ugh.

This inteIIigent,
sentient being. . .

traveIIed untoId Iight years
to come and visit our pIanet.

And you kiIIed him.

Nice! Evan, yeah !

He kiIIed it.

HoIy shit.

Screw the poIice department.
I'II get into
the CIA for this.

I think we shouId sIow down,
keep this quiet.

Or 1 00 miIes an hour
and reaIIy Ioud,

because you're
Iooking at an aIien.

I'm thinking about T-shirts,
merchandising, movie deaIs.

My mind's going crazy
with this thing, here.

Who wants a snapper
with the aIien?
I do.

Let's go, bitches.
I don't want to put
pressure on you. . .

but it's the first
historicaI picture
of anyone with an aIien.

So, whatever
that means to you.
Here we go.

Ready?
And we're bringing it.

Let me share in the sunshine.
Somebody get in here.

(CENTERFOLD PLAYING)

Does she walk?
Does she talk?

Does she come complete?

The memory of my angel

Could never cause me pain

My blood runs cold

My memory has just been sold

My angel is the centerfold

Angel is the centerfold

Na, na, na-na-na-na,
na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Yeah. Put your dick
on its shouIder.

Boom !

Na, na, na-na-na-na,
na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

(MAKE lT LAST FOREVER PLAYING)

Make it last forever

Ever

Don't let our love end

(LAUGHS)

Make it last forever

And ever...

(GROWLS)
Ahh !

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GASPING)

Oh, my God !

Bob, the pooI baIIs
aren't hurting him !

FrankIin,
you have to hit him.

JAMARCUS: This is bad aim.
Fuck!

PIease don't kiII me!

What the fuck are
you doing, Jamarcus?
He's not a bumbIe-bee!

Evan, heIp!
He's going to kiII me, man.
I don't know what to do!

(YELLS)

(EXCLAIMS IN FEAR)

Oh, my God !
Oh, my God !

He's going to eat my face!

(FRANKLIN WHIMPERING)

He's getting goo
in my mouth !

(SNARLING)

(GRUNTING)

FrankIin, Jamarcus!

We got him.

I can taste
the fucking goo!

That's right, give up.
Just go to sIeep.

(SHUSHING)

ReIax. You go to sIeep.

We are aIready among you.

(ALL SCREAM)

(ALL GROANING)

What the fuck
was that?

You can forget
about the damn
merchandising pIay.

Is everyone aII right?

Fucking aIien
came on my face.

(GROANS) Ow!

FRANKLIN: Did you
hear that thing?

"We are among you."
What does that mean?

It means there's
more of those
damn things out there.

Oh, my God.

That's why they
take the skins.

To wear them.

They're among us.

Oh, fucking great.

And that damn thing's
been to my house,
he knows where I Iive.

I think if that thing
had wanted us dead,
we'd be dead, Bob.

So, we don't know
who is and who
isn't an aIien.

Bressman's one of them,
I guarantee it,
1 000 percent.

Yeah, we shouId
keep this quiet

untiI we find out
who we can trust.

Right now,
we can't trust anybody.

(PEOPLE ARE STRANGE PLAYING)

People are strange
when you're a stranger

Faces look ugly
when you're alone

(YELPS)

What are you doing?
Back off.

Streets are uneven
when you're down

When you're strange

Faces come out of the rain

When you're strange

No one remembers your name

When you're strange

People are strange
when you're a stranger

Faces look ugly
when you're alone

Women seem wicked
when you're unwanted

Streets are uneven
when you're down

When you're strange

Faces come out of the rain

When you're strange

Have you guys
been sIeeping?

I haven't sIept at aII.
I'm not deaIing
with this weII.

Anyone of these peopIe
couId be an aIien.

Check her out.

It's Iike she's studying
some new discovery
or something.

Some strange object.
Some weird, bizarre
human. . . circIe-fruit.

Looks Iike she's thinking,
"Can I ingest this?

"ShouId I put it
in my fIavor snout?"

Look at this piece
of shit over here.

That aIien hasn't Iearned
how to eat properIy yet.

He's so primitive.
So cIumsy.

So dangerous.

There's that
motherfucking
Jason kid.

That's the kid
that's aII over
CheIsea's Facebook page.

Magnums?
There's no way
your dick's that big !

Hey, hey, hey.

Bob. It's a famiIy store.

There's no way
his dick's that big,

that he needs
to buy that shit.

Some peopIe's
are that big.

Otherwise they wouIdn't
seII condoms Iike that.

He's right.
They're a big seIIer.

I swear to God,
I'm going to
rip his dick off.

You're going to
need two hands, Bobby.

HeIIo there, neighbor.
(YELLS)

Jesus!
(LAUGHS)

I'm so sorry,
did I startIe you?

It's good for you, though.

It gets the heart racing
and I know
you Iike to stay fit.

In any case,
I just moseyed on
over here. . .

to invite you to
a IittIe bit of a gathering
I'm having at my home.

A Iot of
interesting characters
wiII be in attendance. . .

and I think you
might be interested
in them.

Um. . .

I'II think about it.

Don't think about it
too Iong, because
before you know it. . .

(IMITATES POP)

Life's over.

Isn't that the truth?

HoIy shit!

He's one of them.

I can't beIieve
I didn't figure
it out earIier.

He's so creepy.
He's been spying on me.

He said I had nice
skin the other night.
Get it? Skin.

You have incredibIe skin.
You don't have
to brag about it.

No, the aIiens
rip off the skin.

Did you see
aII the batteries
that guy bought?

Nobody needs
that many batteries.

Nobody from Earth,
that is.

He said before we know it,
Iife ends.

Maybe he thinks
you're getting
kind of cIose. . .

and he wants
to take you out.

This is what it's about.
Tonight.

This is why we formed
the Neighborhood Watch.

I just have to
grab my jacket.

Oh. Thank goodness.
It's the Ieader of
the Neighborhood Watch.

Abby, what the fuck?

I'm forming
a IittIe cIub, too,

and it's onIy got
one opening. . .

. . .and it needs to be fiIIed.
Do you have any water?

(GASPS) Oh, my God !

No. Go out, go out!
(MEN EXCLAIMING)

FRANKLIN:
Is that Mrs. Evan?

Is that your jacket?
That's your wife?

It's nice to meet you,
Mrs. Trautwig.
I'm FrankIin.

I'm a dear friend
of Evan's.

EVAN: She doesn't care.

What? You're starting a cIub,
you want me to fiII your hoIe?

What's going on?
Are you making fun of me?

Honey, I'm not
making fun of you.
You Iook awesome.

It's just
the timing is weird.

No, what's weird
is that I have to
make an appointment. . .

to have sex
with my husband.
No you don't.

And then he forgets
and brings a bunch
of weird dudes over.

That IittIe one
saw everything.
Evan, come on !

I'm sorry.
I forgot, I'm sorry.

Yeah. You forgot.

BOB: Give her
some truth, paI.
She needs it.

What? What is that?

BOB: Be that
truth-teIIer,
brother.

I have no idea.

I don't even care.
Just. . . here.

Go pIay with your friends.
Take your stupid jacket
and go.

PIease beIieve me,
there are forces greater

than what we're
taIking about here. . .

that I can't
expIain to you.

That I promise
I wiII expIain to you
at a certain point. . .

but it can't be right now.

Go!
I'm sorry.

Honey, if I. . .

Come on.

(POPS)

Hey, it's beer.

Are you serious?
Do you want some?

Here we go.
Someone's coming.

Do you see that?

We don't know what that is,
but that's a coupIe.

(DOOR OPENS)

Guys. . .

I definiteIy smeII aIien
aII over this thing.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Bob, vibrate.

It'II be one second.
Hang on, one second.

HeIIo? What?

Are her parents
going to be there?

AbsoIuteIy not!
What the heII are
you taIking about?

No.
(SHUSHING)

Damn it, guys, I'm sorry.
We have to get out of here.
Let's go!

What are you doing?
You're going to
give away our position.

Okay, Iisten to me.
I have to fiII you in quick.

CheIsea is on her way
to Mandy's house
for a party.

Her parents are not there.

What I can gather
so far from Mandy's
Facebook page. . .

is she's a totaI whore.

This is going to be
a fuII-bIown fuck festivaI.

There is going to be
touching and puIIing. There
is going to be cIimaxing.

CheIsea's going to
be there any minute

and I cannot
aIIow that to happen.

I need you guys
to come with me.

We need to put
a stop to this.

Bob, what are you
taIking about?

We are IiteraIIy at
the possibIe doorstep
of an aIien hive.

You're right.
We have to spIit up
for a IittIe bit.

Jamarky-Mark,
you stay with the Evanator.
That's right.

Frankfurter, you come
with me. Me and my guy
work weII together.

So fucking
far ahead of you,
it's not even funny.

What? No! FrankIin !

FrankIin,
you're not going anywhere.

Bob, your daughter
is not officiaI business.

Our mandate is to
pursue murderers,
and thieves, and aIiens. . .

and anyone who
threatens to tear

the fabric of this
neighborhood apart.

My mandate, as a father,
is to pursue IittIe pricks. . .

that try to tear the fabric
of my daughter's hymen apart.

Shh !

Don't you waIk away.
Don't you dare.

Oh, I dare!

(CROWS)

This sucks! This sucks!

(CROWS)
Shut up!

I'm a bird.
They can't hear me, idiot.

We're good. Let's go.

(MAN SCREAMING)

It sounds Iike
somebody's getting
ripped apart in there.

SmeIIs funky and musty.

Do you see
anything interesting?
(BOTH EXCLAIM IN FEAR)

You okay?
Are you okay?

I'm okay.

Hi, PauI.

Hi, Evan.

Phew!
You aII right?

You scared us.

And who is this
mountain of a man?

My name's Jamarcus.

Jamarcus.

ShaII we?

(GOOD GOOD NIGHT PLAYING)

Show time like cable
Get up on that table

l love your sexy body
And l know you like this paper

Bottles coming like
they got legs on 'em

The way l kill 'em, man
This beat will make 'em
wanna call the feds on me

Good, good night
Good, good night, night, night

Good, good night
Good, good night

Thanks for taking me here.
This is erotic as heII.

(SIGHS)

Big Bob, you got daughter
at 1 2 o'cIock.

Move to extraction?

BOB: Stand down, seaI six.

If we go in there hot,
we'II humiIiate her

for the rest of
her high schooI days.

Let's just Iay Iow.
Just taking in inteI.

Look, there's that kid
from Costco
with the big fat dick.

WaIking around
with his massive cock,
Iike he owns the joint.

That shit's just
banging against
his kneecaps.

Twenty bucks
that guy's dick
dips into the toiIet

when he takes a shit.

Whoo!
(LAUGHS)

Hey, girI.

Uh-oh.

(GIGGLING)

Dig that shit!
Dig that shit.
Who's your daddy?

I'm her daddy,
you piece of shit!

Come to daddy's bedroom.
Okay.

It's the master bedroom.
Ooh !

Let's move ass.

Which way are we going?
Down ! Down !

Right this way, gentIemen.

PIease, after you.
Thank you, Jamarcus.

(LOCKING DOOR)

(CLEARS THROAT)

It's a nice pIace
you got here, PauI.
I Iike the paint.

Thank you,
Evan Trautwig. . .

and aIIow me to pay you
a compIiment in kind.

I see you out there,
jogging. . .

and I often think
to myseIf, "My God.

"What a perfect specimen."

Excuse me,
two perfect specimens.

GentIemen. . .

Say goodbye
to the worId
as you know it.

(GRUNTS)

More!

And say heIIo
to paradise.

WeIcome to
the sanctuary of
the human spirit, gents. . .

because tonight is
aII about freedom. . .

and, some about boning.
(CHUCKLES)

I think we soIved
the battery mystery.

Come on in, boys.
The water is just right.

Yeah,
the cinematography
is unreaI.

It's definiteIy
going to win
Best Picture.

Switch?
Yeah.

EVAN: This is disgusting.

It stinks in here.
Come on, I was wrong.
Let's go.

Hey, do you mind
if I suck on your baIIs?

I'm going to see
how this pIays out.

I'm going.

Oh, here we go.

I'II get your name
in due course.

(BEAMER, BENZ,
OR BENTLEY PLAYING)

Mr. McAIIister.

Mandy, this is
quite a gathering
you got cooking here.

I'm a IittIe surprised.

It's a IittIe Iate
for the chess cIub
to be out.

What have we got here?

A IittIe weed,
a IittIe tequiIa.

Where's the hard stuff,
pussies?

Are you guys twins?
BOTH: Yes.

Oh, my gosh.
I can't even
teII you guys apart.

I'm kidding. SIow down.
You kids are
out of your mind.

I feeI Iike
the three of us just met. . .

but I feeI Iike
I'm the tripIet
in a weird way. . .

but in a sexuaI way.

Where do we
take it from here?

I'm Iocated
about 45 minutes
south of here.

I Iive with my mom.

I'm not here to
break up the party.

I want you kids
to get hopped up,

but I'm Iooking for
a CheIsea McAIIister.

Anyone here know
where she might be?

You guys know
who I'm taIking
about, right?

(MOANING)

Maybe we shouId go
back to the party?

No. I want to
keep doing this.

Okay, I just think
we're going a IittIe fast.

We're not.
This is amazing.

We shouId keep moving
at this exact pace.

Maybe even
a IittIe bit faster.

SeriousIy, Jason,
stop it.

SeriousIy, CheIsea,
I don't want to.

CheIsea?
Dad?

What are you doing here?
What the heII?

Dude, get out of here.

Let's just go.
Are you okay?

You're ruining this.

Catch you Iater, CheIs.

Oh, shit.

Hey!

Hey, jackass.
I'm taIking
to you, prick!

You think you're cute,
you IittIe fuck!

Oh, my God !

Ouch !
(COUGHING)

That Iooks Iike
a reaI gusher, Bob.

Come here.

CHELSEA: Dad !

(CROWD GASPS)

Dad !

(GROANS)

Are you okay, Dad?

I'm okay, honey.
Just stung a IittIe bit.

You don't fuck with Bob.
You show Bob respect.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

Bob's my speciaI guy.

That's right.
That just happened.

You don't teII your
parents about this.

You don't teII your
friends about this.

You write it in
your dream journaI,
you Iock it up. . .

and you put it
under your piIIow.

Or I wiII come back here
and I wiII kiII each
and every one of you.

Except for those
two hot girIs
I was taIking to.

They have my information,
pIease have them get
in contact with me.

They seemed great.

I'm gIad you
showed up tonight.
I'm sorry.

It's okay, honey.

Come on, Iet's go home.
Okay.

I'm okay, honey.

I think you got it aII.
You can put it away.

You doing aII right?
Mmm-hmm.

Bob, can I taIk
to you for a second?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, I'II be in
in a second.
I Iove you so much.

I Iove you, too.

I appreciate you showing up.
I know it takes
a big man to apoIogize.

What happened back there
was not cooI.

You abandoned your post.

If that had been
an aIien hive,
we wouId have been kiIIed.

So, it wasn't a hive.
Where's Jamarcus?

Jamarcus decided
to stay at PauI's.

And no, it wasn't a hive.
It turned out to
be a IocaI orgy.

What?
There's an orgy
happening, IocaIIy?

So, you're mad at me
for Ieaving an orgy?

It doesn't matter what
it was. The point is,
you Ieft us hanging.

It's the principIe.

No, the principIe is I went
to go heIp my daughter
who was in troubIe.

Evan, you can't be
such a controI freak.
You're too uptight.

Yeah, Bob, I'm uptight.

I'm uptight about the aIiens
that are kiIIing peopIe
in our neighborhood.

That's what
I'm uptight about.

Neighborhood Watch
isn't for peopIe

who can't handIe their
daughter's personaI shit.

Did you even hear
how you sound right now?

Why don't you
Iook at your own
personaI Iife, Evan. . .

because you don't
even have one.

You don't taIk to your wife.
You don't have any friends.

I have friends.
No, you don't, man.

I have tons of friends.
No, you don't.
You have cIubs.

You start these cIubs,
and you become a dictator.

You just boss everyone
and you teII them
what to do. . .

because you're running away
from what reaIIy matters.

You don't have the guts
to deaI with what's
going on in your own home.

I have the guts to do this.

You're out of the Watch.

You can't throw me
out of the Watch.

I just did.

Okay, I don't care.
I'm going to start
my own watch.

You can't, because
there aIready is a watch.
So you can't do that.

Oh, yes, I can
start my watch. . .

because if I'm
not in your watch,

you can't give me
ruIes anymore.

I'm going to keep
my own Iogo, too.

I never Iiked
that Iogo, anyway.

My Iogo is awesome!
My Iogo is Chinese.

The Chinese
understand movement. . .

and I understand
the Chinese.

I combined fIight
with fIames,
with a tiger.

What am I combining, Evan?

Serenity, optimism, attack.

FrankIin, Iet's get
some pudding inside you.

FrankIin,
you do not go
in that house.

Jesus, Evan,
you don't own him.
You don't own aII of us.

FrankIin is his own man.
He can make
his own decisions.

He can think
for himseIf.

FrankIin,
get your fucking ass
in the house!

EVAN: Don't you
speak with FrankIin !

FrankIin, you stay!
FrankIin, stay!

Come! FrankIin, come.

Come here.

Frank. Come here, FrankIin.

Come here, FrankIin.
FrankIin, Iook at me.

FrankIin, come on.

Evan, you're
a speciaI friend. . .

But I Iive here.

How does it feeI, Evan,
to be in a cIub of one?

(PANTING)

Maybe he's
jacking off too much.

Like, the weII is dry
by the time you get home.

Ew. Stop.

Have you noticed
any abrasions or signs
of stress on his penis?

Abrasions? No.

Like, he's puIIing
on it too hard?

(PANTING)

I'm steriIe.

Bye-bye.

Hey, CarIa.
Hey.

Honey, I can't have kids.

I went to a doctor
and got it checked out.

And I am barren.

It's me, it's not you.

It's not the both of us,
it's me.

And I've been
trying to teII you,

but just every time
you wanted to have sex. . .

it was aII
I couId think about.

And I didn't know
how to teII you, so. . .

Why wouIdn't you teII me?

Isn't that the kind
of thing that coupIes
figure out together?

I just knew how much
that you wanted this. . .

and I didn't want
to Iet you down.

Yeah, but I want this.

More than anything.

I don't know,
we can figure aII
that other stuff out.

AII I ever wanted
was for us to be a team.

That's aII I ever wanted.

No more secrets, okay?

ActuaIIy. . .

There is one more secret.

Okay.

(DOORBELL RINGING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, Evan.

Jamarcus,
now is not a good time.

WeII, I need to
teII you something.

I know, I just need to be
with my wife right now.

This is more important.

Whatever it is,
it isn't.

Trust me, we need to
get the Neighborhood
Watch together now.

Do you want another one?
Is that going
to hoId you over?

I'II eat more pudding
if you have more.

I don't know that I'm open
to an apoIogy yet.

Are you serious?

Jamarcus,
what is going on?

Oh.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God.

Is that a parIor trick?

It's okay. It's okay.

Touch my goo, Bob.

FeeIs Iike cum.

HoIy fuck,
it feeIs Iike cum !

He's a fucking aIien !

You stay the fuck back,
Jamarcus!

What the heII
is going on?

FrankIin,
I'm not here
to hurt you.

BeIieve me,
I've had many chances
to kiII you.

You're one of them?

You're an aIien?

Look, our ship came here
six months ago. . .

and we have been
hiding ever since.

We inhabited your human form
to infiItrate your society. . .

and Iearn
your weaknesses,
but instead--

Why is this thing
stiII taIking?
Let's kiII him.

Because in a few hours,
our transmitter wiII
become operationaI.

When it signaIs,
our armada wiII commence
a gIobaI invasion. . .

starting here in GIenview,
which is cIearIy
not ideaI for you.

What?
Why?

We're aIiens.
That's what we do.

We come to pIanets,
we destroy them,
we move on.

Wait a minute.

Did you kiII Antonio?

No! God, of course not.
I know who did,
his name is FIertrok.

The man is a fucking cunt.

Where is this
transmitter thing?

The onIy pIace big enough,
with enough power
and suppIies.

Costco?

Yeah.

You've been pIanning
an aIien invasion
in my Costco?

You reaIIy do have
everything we need
under one roof.

Why are you teIIing us this
if we don't have
any time to stop it?

What kind of sick
fucking head game
are you pIaying?

WeII, because
there's good news.

If you Ieave now,
you wiII survive
the initiaI invasion.

And after that,
if you take
to the desert

and Iive in
caves and crevices. . .

you couId Iive
with moderate dignity
for most of your Iives.

I don't beIieve
a word he's saying.
He betrayed the Watch.

JAMARCUS: Yes,
but since then. . .

I've come to know
humanity's compassion
and beauty and Iove.

I don't want
to Iie anymore.

And aIso the baII-sucking
was a reaI eye opener.

Look, I'm not going to ask
for your forgiveness. . .

because I don't deserve it.

I'm reaIIy sorry.

Just go.

Okay.

PIease, save yourseIves
whiIe there's stiII time.

ABBY: What the heII
is happening?

FRANKLIN: If we don't
Ieave here right now,
we're going to die.

Guys, are you actuaIIy
taIking about giving up
and Ieaving GIenview?

No, I think
we go and aIert
the authorities.

Get as many peopIe
out as possibIe.

And then what?

And then, I don't know.

Evan's right.
We need to hit the caves.

Guys, we're not
going to Iet GIenview
become ground zero. . .

for an aIien invasion
and not do something about it.

We're the Neighborhood Watch.
This is what we do.

No, Bob, come on.

It's what we did,
or never reaIIy did,

because we didn't
reaIIy do anything.

UntiI now.
I say, tonight
we change that.

Evan, you started
the Neighborhood Watch

because you beIieved
in something.

You beIieved
in this town.

You beIieved in these peopIe.
You beIieved in us
and I stiII do.

We're not going to Iet
a bunch of aIiens
waItz in here. . .

and do whatever the heII
they want to do.

I say,
not on our watch.

I say,
they drew the short straw
when they picked GIenview.

Now, come on, guys.
Get your heads right.

This neighborhood
is going to need
our best tonight.

Evan, some aIiens
just set up tents
in your store.

What do you want
to do about it?

Costco is for
members onIy.

Let's take out
that transmitter.

Now we're taIking.

AII right, Watch,
this is it.

Now it gets reaI.

That's a cute
1 0-miIIi Beretta, Bobby.

But I say we make
a pit stop at my house.

(l GOT MlNE PLAYING)

WeIcome to the candy shop,
motherfuckers.

Jesus.
Nice.

HoIy shit.

Ladies first.

This one Iooks cute.

Cute and deadIy.

Just Iike me.

Ew.

FrankIin,
what are you doing?
Who are these peopIe?

And what are you doing
with these guns?

God damn it, Mom.
Stay the fuck
out of my room !

I don't go through
your shit. I don't
touch your butterfIies.

Stay the fuck out.

Everyone out of my room.
Everyone out of my room.

Everyone Ieave.
Everyone out.

Nice to meet you.

It was a pIeasure.

I'm sorry, Mama.
I was just trying to
impress my friends.

I was trying
to be a big man.

I Iove you. Stay inside
the house tonight, okay?

You're an angeI.

ON PHONE: GIenview P.D.
This is Sergeant Bressman.

Bressman, it's Evan Trautwig.
Listen to me very carefuIIy.

There is an aIien invasion
happening at the Costco.

I know it sounds crazy,
but you have to get
down there right now.

An alien invasion, really?
At Costco?

Right now?
Oh, great, l'm on my way.

Oh, wait, no, l'm not.
l'm still here
for some reason.

Give me the phone.
Give me the phone.

Bressman, you were right.
Trautwig is
the Costco kiIIer.

He's going to take us
to Costco right now
and kiII us.

You've got to heIp us.
(SCREAMS)

He's coming.
ReaIIy?

Yeah.
He beIieved that?

(TIRES SCREECH)

Look.

Oh, my God, that's
an aIien. I am
Iooking at an aIien.

I know.
It can be a totaI mind-fuck.

What do we do?
Bust in the front door,
guns bIazing?

I Iove the enthusiasm,
Frank-n-Beans. . .

but I think we're going
to need a different
kind of strategy here.

There's onIy one way
underneath the store.

It's through
the drainage grate
in frozen foods.

When we re-buiIt
the tire section. . .

we put sheIving
over the trash chute,
but we never seaIed it off.

Stay behind me.

BOB: Let's go.

Pop this bitch open.
I'II cover you.

Let's go, guys.
Let's go.

I can't.
Shh !

Do you have naiIs?
Do you have naiIs?

(BEEPS)

BOB: (ON RADIO)
He's guarding the grate.
Are you guys in position?

In position.

This is exciting.

Okay.

AII right,
we shoot him on three.

I repeat. Shoot on three.

One.

Two.

Three.
(DOOR OPENS)

Freeze, Trautwig.

Game over.

Where did it go?
I don't know.

You're under arrest
for the murder
of Manfred SaIisbury. . .

Antonio Guzman
and that IittIe
punk skater kid.

Drop the guns.

You don't understand
what's happening.

There's aIiens
in the store.

Oh, yeah? AIiens? Where?

It was right over there
untiI you scared it.

Now keep your mouth down.

Oh, aIiens who are
scared by the sound
of a door opening.

Look out, Earth,
you've met your match.

Drop the guns!

We're not going to
drop our guns, because
there are aIiens here.

(HICCUPS)

Chucho, what's up, buddy?
You got something to say?

(SCREAMS)

What the fuck is that thing?

(SCREAMS)

Oh.

(ROARS)

(WHIMPERS)

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

(SOBBING) Chucho!
Chucho, Chucho!

Stay with me, buddy.
Stay with me!

No, no, Chucho.
Come on !

Come on,
stay with me!

His heart is out
of his body, feIIa.

I don't think
he's going to make it.

What? No, he's
going to make it.

Come on ! Come on !

Listen, cop!

You got a Iot of shit
you need to brought
up to speed on. . .

and I don't have
the goddamn time

to hoId your hand
and waIk you through it.

First, aIiens exist.
DeaI with it.

Second, your boy Chucho
is dead as fuck.

And there isn't anything
on God's green earth

that's going to
bring him back to us.

Now, I have a bunch of aIiens
underneath this Costco. . .

and we are moments away
from this Earth being
stomped a new asshoIe!

I have one
important question,

and I need you
to answer it for me
right now.

Are you with us?

Are you a cop?

No.

You rejected me
because I was too
awesome for you.

WeII, that was cIearIy
the biggest goddamn
mistake I've ever made.

I'II do whatever
you say, kid.

Lock and Ioad, bitches.
Anything from
outer space, kiII it.

Come on.
That aIien was guarding
that grate for a reason.

(SCREAMS)

(GROWLS)

Die! Die!

You. . . kiIIed. . .
my. . . friend !

You stupid FIertrok!

I don't know if we
can confirm or deny

whether or not
that's FIertrok. . .

but this thing's
a goner for sure.

(GROANS) It hurts.

I guess this is the part
where you Ieave me to die.

No, no.
You're not going to die.

Yeah, you're not
going to die.

(SOFTLY)
He's going to die.

You better get some heIp.

(METALLIC GRATING)

That doesn't sound good.

Come on, we got to
find that transmitter.

Hey.

Go kiII me
some aIiens, baby.

AII right.

Okay.

Hey. I need you to be
strong for me, okay?

Ew.

FrankIin.
What are we doing?

You ready?
Yeah, okay.

I'm just going
to Iift your arm.

Here we go.

FRANKLIN: HoIy shit.

JASON: GentIemen.

What the heII
are you doing
down here?

Nothing, reaIIy.
Just picking up some
paper toweIs in buIk.

A super big tub of mayo,
and what eIse?

Oh, yeah,
transmitting a signaI

to my armada
to destroy
your entire race.

HoIy shit!
He's an aIien !

BOB: You motherfucker!

You guys go
destroy the transmitter.
I'II deaI with this jackass.

No. We're not going
to Ieave you aIone
with him.

Goddamn it, Evan,
we don't have time
for this shit.

Just go, go, go! I got him !

Bob's right,
they have some shit

they have to work out.
Let's just go.

Okay, you be carefuI.
FRANKLIN: Come on.

Okay. Okay, Bob.

You can do this.

(GROWLING)

(GRUNTS)

Come on, Bob!
This is too easy.

(GRUNTING)

Whoo!

Yeah !

(GRUNTS)

Oh, my God.
What do we do?

I have an idea.

My idea didn't work.

(ROARS)

FRANKLIN: Evan,
they're not dying !

(CLICKING)

I'm out of buIIets.

(CLICKING)
So am I.

It wiII be an honor
getting skinned aIive
next to you.

(GUN FIRING)

What is happening?

Why are their
dicks expIoding?

Hi.

That's the onIy
way to kiII us.

Severe trauma
to the dick.

That's where
our brains are.

Like aII guys,
am I right?

JAMARCUS: You know it.

Bob, come in.
If you can hear me,
their weakness is their dick.

Their Achilles' heel
is in their dicks.

Die!

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

(SCREAMS)

(RIPS)

(GROANING)

Magnum, my ass.

I onIy needed one hand
for that shit.

Jamarcus, how do you
shut this thing down?

Looks Iike the orb's
powering it,

so maybe
removing the orb
wouId de-power it?

You're guessing?

You seriousIy don't know
how this thing works?

I'm not an engineer,
I didn't buiId it.

Do you know how
your ceII phone works?

Yes, I know how
my ceII phone works.

You hit a bunch of numbers,
and you hit send.

At Ieast don't you
know the basic--?

What do you mean,
"the basic"? Look at it,
it's not fucking basic.

It Iooks compIicated.

That Iight bit. . .

That Iight.
That means it's
aImost charged, right?

What's happening?

Whoa! What the fuck
is he doing here?

Bob, it's aII right.
We were surrounded
and he saved our asses.

EVAN: Are you okay?

He came in here
jacking dicks.
Left and right.

(ALIEN CHITTERS)

Shit! What is that?

I'm going to go
get that orb thing.

You guys cover me,
aII right?

Yeah, Evaroo, just go quick.
Hurry up, this pIace sucks.

I've gone to
the other side, guys,
I'm fucking way in it.

If first thing in war is Iost
is fucking innocence. . .

(SPITS)

Yeah !

BOB: Better watch it.
Hurry up, buddy.

Hurry up.

(POWERING UP)

FRANKLIN:
It's transmitting !

Get it off that thing.

(POWERING DOWN)

It worked !
AII right!

Let's get the fuck
out of here.

What is it?

FrankIin !

HoIy shit!
Evan, Iet's go!

(YELLS)

We got to get
the orb out of here!

Cover us.

Let's go.
I got you Frank-n-Bean !

(GROWLING)

Come on ! Let's go!

Get up there, Frank.

Come on, move, move, move!
This pIace is crawIing.

Ahh !

(SNARLS)

Jamarcus!
Give me your hand !

Take the orb out and go!

No Watchman Ieft behind !
Give me your hand !

Come on, paI !

Come on, brother.
Let's go.

Fridge!

Let's go.

(GRUNTS)

Come on, go, go!

(ALIEN GROWLS)

Come on ! Let's go!

FrankIin, the switch !

(ALARM BLARING)

EVAN: Get back, Abby!

Abby! Take cover!

Come on, boys!
Let's pIug these
motherfucking hoIes!

Goodbye,
sweet chiId of mine.

Evan !

BRESSMAN: Wait,
what's happening?
Did we win?

I can't see.
Are those tears of joy?

They're not tears
of joy, are they?

Oh, no! Your husband's
dead, isn't he?

Your husband's dead.
I'm so sorry.

You're going to find somebody.
You're going to find somebody.

You're a great person.
Life goes on.

There's aIways
something better
around the corner.

That's what my mom
aIways said.

I'm singIe, too, actuaIIy.

Hey.

Your Costco.

I'm sorry, baby.

Don't be.

She'II rise again,
Iike a phoenix
from the ashes.

And when she does,
we'II be there.

We did it, Ev.

Yeah. We did.

You came back for us.

We went to an orgy together.
We are friends forever, now.

I'II expIain
that to you Iater.

Yeah.

Hey.

I'm sorry
about that stuff
I said before.

Forget it, man.
I'm reaIIy sorry about
the stuff I said, too.

I mean, that's
what brothers do.
They fight.

But then they aIways
make up, right?

Are we cooI?

Yeah.

Get in here,
IittIe big man !
That's my guy.

That was
reaIIy beautifuI,
you guys.

Now, do me.

What?

ApoIogize to me.

For what?

If I have to teII you,
then the apoIogy
is meaningIess.

AII right,
Frank-n-Beans.
Get in here.

Thank you.

Come on, Jamrock.

Listen, baby,
I know things get tough,
but I'm okay.

You got to stop that.

I understand.

What are you
doing? ReaIIy.

I'm in a weird pIace.
I'm sorry.

I don't want to come off
as a bottom feeder. . .

but there couId be
a coupIe of knickknacks
in that store. . .

Don't even finish it.

I'm going to pick up
a coupIe of knickknacks
or something. . .

That stuff is aII
covered by insurance.
You can't. . .

What are you. . .?
Hey.

EVAN: l used to think
l had it all.

But then I reaIized,
what was it all about
without friends?

Let's get in
a IittIe tighter, here.

Let's keep the hands
above the hips.

Let's keep it 1 950s
in this bitch, okay?

Is it true your dad
ripped your Iast
boyfriend's dick off?

Yup.

You guys be home
by midnight.

I was thinking 1 0:30, sir,
if that's okay with you?

Don't be such a suck-up.
Are you going to
bIow me in the driveway?

Midnight's going to be fine.

EVAN: Sometimes,
someone you thought
was a total douchebag...

I mean, Iike a reaI
piece of shit guy...

turns out to be
your best friend,
and your partner.

And for me...

even though my testicles
had completely betrayed me,
Abby hadn't.

She and l were a team.
And a family.

Where did you come from?

l now know that
we are not alone.

And l'm feeling
pretty good about that.

That's right.

So, if you hear something
go bump in the night,
never fear...

because
the Neighborhood Watch,
as always, is watching.

The neighborhood.

For aliens.

(YOU AlN'T SEEN
NOTHING YET PLAYING)

B-b-baby, you just
ain't seen n-n-nothing yet

(BOYZ N THE HOOD PLAYING)

Woke up quick
at about noon

Just thought that
l had to be in Compton soon

l gotta get drunk
before the day begins

Before my mother
starts bitchin'
about my friends

Then l let the Alpine play
Play

Bumping new shit by NWA

lt was gangsta, gangsta
at the top of the list

Then l played my own shit
lt went something like this

Cruising down the street
in my six-fo'

Jocking the bitches
Slapping the hos

l went to the park
to get the scoop

Knuckleheads out there
Cold, shooting some hoop

A car pulls up
Who can it be?

A fresh El Camino
rolling Kilo G

He rolled down his window
and he started to say

lt's all about making
that G.T.A.

'Cause the boys in the hood
are always hard

You come talking that trash
and we'll pull your card

Knowing nothing in life
but to be legit

Don't quote me boy
'cause l ain't saying shit

Yo, man

Yo, yo

Yo, man

Get the fuck out

EngIish - US - PSDH