All language subtitles for The.10.Year.Plan.2014.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H264-KAZ

I wanted to go
someplace special tonight.

Romantic.

If you've met someone wonderful,
then you should spoil them.

It's important to find
that special person

you can be
yourself around.

Someone you could spend
the rest of your life with.

This calls
for a toast.

Here's to relationships.

To first dates

Would you excuse
me for a minute?

Of course.

I'm close

Hang on.

What's up, Myles?

He's so cute and smart.

I really like him.

I think he may be the one.

What kind of puppy
did you pick out?

Puppy?

The one you're imagining
in your dream house.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Boston Terrier

Where are you?

No, don't tell me.
Let me guess.

You're only gonna
need one guess.

God I wish you
could see this.

This guy's ass is so
tight you could bounce
a quarter off of it.

Or something bigger.

Nice visual while I enjoy
my romantic dinner.

Well, my date and I are
sharing a connection,

deep meaningful conversation.

I took him to this
amazing restaurant.

Just gave him
the red rose.

He's leaving, isn't he?

He just slipped
out the door.

Oh Myles.

Time to initiate
our suicide pact.

I fear the
time is upon us.

Death by chocolate?

I'm afraid so.

Text me where you are.

You owe me an orgasm.

I'll make it a
double next time.

Is there gonna
be a next time?

Probably not.

Do you wanna shower at
least before you go?

I didn't break a sweat.

Geez.

Nice place.

It was before my
date left me.

Here, this will
cheer you up.

What's this?

It's your birthday present.

My birthday isn't
for two months yet.

I know, I figured you could
use a little "happy" now.

Why hello.

Oh, you got my favorite!

Of course.

Don't get too excited,
it's not much.

Oh come on, don't
get all gushy on me.

You do have a
sentimental side.

That's the
day we met.

I made two of them. One
for you and one for me.

I just wanted to do
something that you would like.

Don't make me regret
being nice, alright.

Enough of this
sappy crap.

Here is to Men.

Fuck them.

To finding the
perfect man.

To friends.

To relationships.

Being single.

Do me a favor. Don't
let me die alone.

You're not gonna be alone.
I'm gonna be there holding

a pillow over
your face.

This is to the hangovers
we're gonna have tomorrow.

So we agree?

To being hungover?

No.

That we won't
grow old alone.

I'm never
gonna be alone.

In fact, I'm already
drafting a list in my head

of all the things I'm
gonna do to our waiter.

Most of them are still
illegal in forty-two states.

Hey.

Hey, I'm serious.

Come on, you know that I'm
always gonna be here for you.

Alright, I can tell you're
obsessing over this already.

I'll make you a deal.

If in ten years we're
both still single

and neither of us
have found anybody,

we'll be boyfriends. A
couple. Together, forever.

A backup plan?

You're serious?

Sure.

Here, you're
the one who's

going to school to
be a fancy attorney.

Write something up,
I will sign it.

Make it legally binding.

So I have ten
years then?

To find love
before you're,

thirty-five.

Here's to
being in love.

Here is to ten
years of freedom.

You happy now, huh?

Unbelievable.

Here they are.

Made you those
appetizers you like

with the imported
goat cheese.

Please sit down.

I will.

But, trust me, you don't
want dinner to burn.

It does smell great.

What is it?

It's Eggplant Sorrento.

Are you kidding me?

That's my favorite.

I know.

I called your mother.

You're making my mom's
Eggplant Sorrento?

Well you've been
working a lot recently,

so I thought it would
be nice to do something
extra special for you.

I can't believe
you called my mother.

That's a tad scary.

Sit.

Relax.

That's an eighty-six cabernet.

I'll be back in a few.

What's up?

Want to catch
a movie tonight?

Can't, man.

Got plans already.

They start with a cold beer
and end with a sticky towel.

All the best nights do.

Looks like it's just you and
me again tonight buddy.

Hey, you're the one that
insists on being straight.

Look, why don't you just
come out with me tonight, huh.

You give me ten minutes I
will get you an ass so hot

you can eat breakfast,
lunch and dinner off of it.

I prefer my partners not to
have the same equipment as me.

Not me. I prefer the
same, or bigger.

Hey, your loss.

Hello David.

Say hello to David.

Is it really that
easy for you?

That's the beauty
of being a man.

Look, there's no
wining and dining.

Five minutes we'll have had
a beer, fifteen minutes
we'll be in the sack,

sixteen minutes I'll be home
watching pay-per-view.

It's amazing, you
should try it.

Well, if you
put it that way.

Seriously?

Hell no.

Someone was hungry.

And thirsty.

Here, taste.

Are you ever
gonna sit down?

I'd really
like to talk.

Wow.

That is good.

It's exactly how my
mom makes it.

Good, now I want to
hear all about your day.

Come to the table.
We'll talk over dinner.

I don't even
know what to say.

How about,
let's eat!

Fine.

Hi, I'm David.

Hi, I'm Brody.

Nice to meet you.

What is it with you guys
introducing yourselves like

you don't already know
who I am. I mean,

you have sent me so
many pictures of yourself

that I probably know you better
than your own doctor does.

I don't know.

Do you have a better way of
greeting someone at the door?

How about, "Hey Brody, come
on in, you want a beer?"

Hi Brody, come on in.
Do you want a beer?

No, I'm good.

You look terrified.

First time on Grindr?

No.

Maybe.

Yeah.

Ok, well, relax,
we're gonna have fun.

How about you, do
you want a beer?

Actually I'd love one.

Ok.

Well, that's a
nice compliment.

That was amazing.

I'm glad.

How did the client
meeting go today?

I hope you got all the, "I'm
thinking of you" texts I sent.

Yep.

All ten.

You seem a little,
tired tonight.

Why don't you just take
your shoes off, relax.

I'm just...

I'm trying to figure
out the best way to

talk to you
about something.

As long as it's not,
"let's see other people".

Uh.

You want to see
other people.

I'm just thinking that
we're moving too fast.

We've been
dating a month.

I see you once a
week for dinner and sex,

and I do all the work
for both. How is that
possibly moving too fast?

I just want to pump
the brakes a bit.

Well, do you think you could
have pumped them on a day

I didn't spend cooking
an elaborate dinner and
planning erotic massages?

Wow.

Myles, one day,

you are going to make someone
the most amazing husband.

Just not you.

No.

I'm gonna leave.

Yeah.

Oh Yeah.

Can I get you
that beer now?

You're a
quick study.

I like you.

Enough to see me again?

Enough to introduce
you to my friend.

Threesome?

I don't think I'm
ready for that, yet.

Sure you are.

Myles, say
hello to David.

Say Hi David.

Hi.

Hello David.

It's always a pleasure meeting
one of Brody's "hookups",

especially after I've
just been dumped.

What happened?

Like you have to ask?

You want me to come over?

That depends.

Do you like strawberries
infused with cognac hand
dipped in dark chocolate?

Strawberries and cognac?

Can I come?

You already did.

Twice.

I'll be right there.

Since when did you start
fucking Martha Stuart?

One does what one has
to, to get a man.

I've had a lot of men,

I have never injected a
strawberry with cognac before.

Well, not in the
literal sense.

It doesn't
matter anyway.

I'm done. I'm in
my mid-thirties.

Time to acknowledge the
fact that I'm destined
to be a gay spinster.

If the thought of dog hair
everywhere didn't disgust
me, I'd be a gay cliche.

Trust me.

You don't need a small
dog to be a gay cliche.

Thanks.

Either way, I'm
tired and done.

I'm sick of chasing
men only to have my
heart broken every time.

Ok, enough.

I'm taking you shopping. If
you're going to be single,

you need the
proper tools.

I'm afraid of
you right now.

You're smarter
than you look.

Come on.

If I know you, a kinky
evening of sex means
using your left hand

and your toy arsenal is
nothing more than a two
year old jar of lube.

Look being single requires
the proper equipment

and there's no better
place to get it than here!

Fleshjack.

Better than a real mouth.
Why?

Because it doesn't speak.

Dildo. No more
gambling with what's on
the other side of the zipper.

Nothing is worse than
unwrapping the whopper
only to find they

skimped on the pickle.

Now you can come home to
Jeff Stryker every night.

Mini projector.

Now, you can watch your favorite
pornos in HD above your head!

I can see you've done extensive
research on the subject.

Hey. I may not be
good at many things,

but the things I'm good
at, I'm an expert in.

Minty Fresh.

Here.

Richard.

Thank you very much,
enjoy sir.

I can't believe you
make me eat here.

Are you kidding me?

Everyone knows the best food
in LA comes from food trucks.

Yeah, so does E. Coli.

Hey, I got you something.

Its a sex toy.

If this goes where
I think it goes,

you and I are gonna have
a big problem, buddy.

It doesn't.

Trust me, you're
going to like this.

I went shopping with
Myles last night.

I was trying to cheer him
up, he just broke up with
his newest boyfriend.

Another one?

I feel so bad
for that guy.

Yeah, me too.

Myles is a bit much.

No, I meant Myles.

You feel bad for Myles.

Don't. If you want to
pity someone, try me.

Myles and I made a deal
ten years ago that if
we were still single

by the time we're
thirty-five, we'd be a couple.

That's ridiculous.

Myles is a successful,
smart lawyer.

He can do so much
better than you.

I know, right.

Wait, what?

I don't even know why
you're complaining. I
think it's a great idea.

You'd be lucky to have
a guy like Myles.

That is the last thing
in the world I need.

You're crazy, but
we both know that.

Seems like if you don't want
to be Myles next boyfriend,

you're going to have to do
something about it - quick.

Myles turns thirty-five
in one month,

we have thirty days to
find Myles a boyfriend.

No, not "we," you!

It's open.

Hey!

You ready for
boys night out?

Yeah, can I get
you a drink?

I trained you well.

Nope, I got it.

Hey, can we stop by my
place, I didn't have time
to go back to the station.

Sure, whatever
you need to do.

Ah. I waited all
day for that.

What are
you looking at?

I rarely see you
in uniform.

You like a
man in uniform?

Who doesn't?

What do you think?

I think you look less
like a real cop and more
like a male stripper.

No wonder you're so easily
able to catch the bad guys.

Oh really?

Male stripper.

Have you been a
bad boy, Myles?

I may have
broken a few laws

Someone needs to do
a little "hard time."

We should get going.

Yeah, we should go.

I'll get my keys.

I'll get my...
I'll be in the car.

A gogo bar?

Hey, every once in a while a
guy has to get his gay on.

If you're worried about
not being gay enough,

I'd say you're good for the
next...year, maybe ten.

Two martini's so dirty

the health department will shut
your ass down for serving them.

What is is with
you and gogo bars?

Hey, now I have four of
my favorite things.

Booze, music, hot,
almost naked men.

That's three.

Awww.

You shouldn't snub your
nose at gogo bars.

They are an important tool in
the gay mans sexual arsenal.

Like candles and chocolate
dipped strawberries?

Yes and No.

Look, you need less
romance and more sex.

Ok, bear with me.

Define gogo boy.

A young.

Fit, attractive male.

Wearing next to nothing -

thrusting his engorged...

Let's just say he's
a sexy male dancer.

Yes, exactly, SEXY!

Men are visual animals. We see
a hot guy, we get turned on.

Gogo boys are just
eye candy here to

stimulate our adrenaline and
boost our testosterone.

Ok.

So, they're here to tease.
You can't have them, you can
just look and gently touch.

This is all fine,

but has nothing
to do with me.

That is where you
are wrong. It has
everything to do with you.

Guys want them, but
they go home with me?

Finally, yes!
You want a man,

these boys will
help you get one.

I want someone who
cares about me.

Not someone who
has sex with me

while thinking of some greased
up muscle twink in a g-string.

Sex is sex.

For you.

You need to relax, ok?

Look, see that
cutie over there?

He's serving up mouth
shots, go get him.

Along with possible meningitis.

I think I'll stick with
my cocktail, out of my

partially clean glass.

I'd rather not.

I know, but do it anyway.

Here you go.

Wow.

If I'm going to do it, I
might as well do it right.

Got a minute?

No. I'm up to my
nose in briefs.

And not the good kind.

What is wrong with men?

Oh, at least its not a
complicated question.

Let me clear my calendar
for the next decade

and we can figure it out.

Do you have any idea what its
like to have an ovary full of
eggs screaming "fertilize me?"

It adds a whole new dimension
to the misery of being single.

No, and I don't want to either.

In fact, I'd rather
not discuss it.

Being gay does not excuse you
from having to deal with this.

I'm pretty sure it does.

Besides, I'm newly
single now too.

Aw.

Soon it will be time
for you and Brody to be
a couple, how sweet.

No! And when did I
tell you about that?

If I know Brody, he's probably
forgotten all about it.

Remind him.

And videotape his
expression when you do.

It'll be a good one.

I'm planning on Brody not
remembering our little plan.

Why? He's a great
catch, and so hot.

But he's not
relationship material.

Well, what about the two
of you just fooling around?

I cannot understand how your
best friend is a sexy cop

and you have
not hooked up yet.

Contrary to what you may
think, gay people don't all
just sleep with each other.

Really? I didn't get that
memo and neither did the
rest of West Hollywood.

Brody is my friend. You
don't sleep with your friends.

How is it that I've never
heard of any of these rules.

I swear you make them
up as you go along.

Well, Brody and I don't
see each other that way.

Don't tell me that
you're not his type.

Brody only has one type.

Facing down.

Ok, thanks.

Good chat.

Aw.

Great.

Hey Brody.

Someone's getting busy.

Huh?

Oh, wow, no.

Talk about
incriminating evidence.

I'm just cleaning up.

Everything is
covered in lube.

That a boy!

It's not what it looks like.
What do you want Brody?

I just called to tell you I
went south of the border

and I'm not talking about a
little road trip to Tijuana.

I just made it with a
smoking hot Latino "Papi."

Dude, I don't know what's
gotten into me lately.

Probably about nine inches.

Quick.

Nice.

Well, I was having a
nice night by myself.

I could tell.

Not that.

I cooked a terrific
dinner, read a good
book, played cards.

I was about to get into this
big, soft bed without some
strange guy next to me,

snoring and farting his
way through the night.

You sound miserable.

I am.

I'm going to find you
the perfect guy.

No, no.

Dude, I'm your best friend.
Who is more qualified than
me to find a guy for you?

Your argument is compelling,
and as always, disconcerting.

Trust me.

I've met a lot of great
guys over the years.

If I wasn't a confirmed
bachelor, I would have
scooped one up myself.

But hey, my
loss is your gain.

I'm going to find you
a husband, buddy.

You better get buckle up, cause
we're going on a manhunt.

I'll brace for impact.

Bye.

Hi, I'm Myles.

It's really nice
to meet you.

Brody told me a
lot about you.

I'm Stu.

It's so funny you
picked this place. It's
my favorite coffee shop...

and you bought
me an eclair,

I love these.

Here's a double
decaf soy latte, too.

I like to do my research
before I meet someone.

When you say "you like to
do your research before
you meet someone,"

What exactly do you
mean by that?

I like to know
who I'm meeting.

I just do a standard
Google, Facebook, LinkedIn
search before I meet them.

You know, see
if we're compatible.

Find out what you're into.

So, you do this kind
of investigation with
every guy you go out with?

It helps me to come up with
some things to talk about.

There's nothing
worse than meeting a
guy for the first time

and having nothing
to talk about.

My research also helps me
do things like this...

It's your
favorite flower.

I also know you played
lacrosse in high school.

You love to go camping
and you have a French
Bulldog named Doug.

Could you excuse
me for one moment?

I need to use
the restroom.

Do you want me to
order for you?

Vanilla latte with
extra foam, extra hot.

Right?

Oh wow. My sister
just texted.

She swallowed
a rusty nail.

I'm sorry, I'm going to have
to take her to the hospital.

Call me.

What's up?

Ok, I officially give up.

No more men.

Ok, let's start with the mildly
over-dramatic and work our way
back to the partially sane.

I'm like kryptonite
to my Superman.

I'll never find
someone to love me.

You're probably just coming
on too strong, buddy.

You just need to relax,
get to know someone,
have a little fun.

So it is me?

It's not you.

Look, I'm just setting you
up with the wrong guys,
give me one more chance.

No.

I'm heading straight
to the kennel.

I'm going to pick out
a little white dog

and spend the rest
of my days alone.

Come on, one more chance.
One more date, I promise.

Ok.

I'll consider one more
date, under one condition.

It's non-negotiable.

What are your terms, counselor?

Will you come with?

Oh God.

I won't do this alone.

You pick out a date for me, and
I'll pick out someone for you.

If you're there then
you'll get to witness the
disaster first hand.

It's like having
box seats at a

NASCAR event
where you know

there's going to be a multi-car
pile up before it's all over.

Well as long as
you're going into

it with such
a positive attitude.

Positive that I'm going
to end up alone again at
the end of the evening.

Bye.

I hope you
like this place.

They have the best
stuffed mushrooms.

I love stuffed
mushrooms.

I had them the last
time I was...

when my date
decided to ditch me.

Oh, sorry.

Well,

Hopefully, tonight will
be better for you.

Here's to not being
dumped tonight.

Wow, sorry.

Myles can be a tad
bit depressing.

Hence having the waiter
remove all the sharp
objects from the table.

You're an asshole.

You don't recognize
me, do you?

Grindr.

I tried to message you
a couple times, but...

you never responded.

I'm sorry, I'm not really
good with technology.

I'm just a
simple farm boy.

Oh yeah? Where
are you from?

New York.

How was the harvest in
Manhattan this season?

I'm originally from Colombia.

My parents are farmers.

Organic coffee trade.

There's no such thing
as organic coffee.

I hear it's just a
marketing ploy to drive
up the cost of beans.

My family's in the
coffee business, too.

We sell espresso machines and
roasted beans...mostly organic.

What's your family name?

Fiori.

I've heard that name before.

I think my family supplies
your coffee beans.

Get out of here.

I'm serious.

I'm a total coffee whore.

A double decaf latte, extra
soy, extra foam, extra hot.

You don't want to know
what I'd do for one of those
before work in the morning.

And you said it
was just a little

vanilla froth on the corner
of your mouth the other day.

Hey, what goes on between my
barista and I is my business.

Do you know Vincent?

Vincent Fiori. He's
only my brother!

Are you serious?

Yes.

What an awesome guy.

Yeah, Vincent's been
trying to get me to travel
with him for years.

I think he's even told
me about your farm.

No way.

Yes.

We have one thousand
acres of the lushest
farmland you've ever seen.

So how about them Dodgers?

I don't follow sports.

Sports are what straight guys
talk about when they have
nothing better to say, come on!

Yeah, right.

I'm starting to regret having
the waiter remove those sharp
objects from the table.

Yeah, I know. Give me a
minute and I'll forge a
shiv out of a breadstick.

Do you think they'll
notice if we left?

I've always wanted to
be the guy that leaves.

Myles. That is a horrible
thing to do to your date.

I know, you're right.

I'm sorry.

I didn't say we shouldn't
do it. I just said it was a
horrible thing to do.

Which makes it
so much fun!

Excuse me.

I'm going to go too.

"Fiori."

Well that went
predictably bad.

I'll give you that much.
Tonight needs to end
with a stiff drink.

Scotch?

No, I got a big
meeting tomorrow.

Come on, hang out, chill.
You don't have to rush
home to Jeff Stryker.

Jeff Stryker?

Oh, the dildo?

Here.

You know I can send
my cleaning lady
over if you want.

She's only seventy-five
bucks a visit. She'll
bring her own napalm.

Hey, I made a path
to the couch.

That counts for
something, right?

You need someone to
take care of you.

No, I need to hire a maid.

Everyone needs
someone. Even you.

What are you afraid of?

Of being nagged to
death about being single.

Oh, we need to
get you a man.

Give me your phone.

Alright, take your shirt off.

What?

Take your shirt off.

No. You're not putting
half naked pictures of
me up on the internet.

No way.

It's not the internet.

It's an app and
everyone does it.

Look, you need to try something
different for a change.

No.

How do you do it?

Very well and often
on all fours.

Trust me, it is better
than being alone.

I'm really not
comfortable with this.

It's all about advertising.
If you want to catch a fish,

you've got to show
him your worm.

No one is
seeing my "worm",

and the shirt stays on.
It's non-negotiable.

Fine.

Leave the shirt on.

Now smile and say,

"I'm a bad little boy who's
looking for a sexy daddy."

"Cheese"

"Cheese" will do.

Look at that!

Oh my god.

It's beautiful.

No its not.

It's awful, delete it.

No way.

I've got to delete this.

Wow, ok.

Wow.

Now?

Cute.

I like the "Abercrombie meets

Log-Cabin-Republic can"
thing you've got going on.

I have to tell you I've never
done this kind of thing before.

And what kind of thing is that?

Meet up with a guy I don't know
in the middle of the night.

And what do you
think so far?

I'm nervous.

How adorable. You
want to come in?

You're not going to
kill me, are you?

Do you really think that someone
who is planning on killing you,

is going to answer that
question with a yes?

Feel like taking
your chances?

I wasn't planning on
revealing I was this
neurotic until much later.

The cat's out of the bag now.

Offer still stands.

Can I get you a drink?

I've got whiskey, beer, vodka.

I'm fine.

Hit?

No, I'm good.

You mind?

No.

Are you sure?

No, I'm fine.

So what happens now?

Whatever you want.

I don't bite...
very hard at first.

Sure I can't
change your mind

about that drink?

Make it a double.

What's up, buddy?

Hey, I took your advice.

Where are you?

I'm at this seriously
hot guy's house.

Don't even say you did it,
I will not believe you.

This is, so hot.

Where are you?

His name is Hunter.

Yeah, I'm sure it is.

Shh. Here he comes. I gotta
go; I'll call you later.

Hey, wait...

Was that your backup plan?

Oh, no it's just my buddy.

He always calls me when
he meets a hot guy so...

I just called him.

I'm flattered.

I'm sorry.

You can get it if you want.

One second.

What do you want?

What are you doing?

I'm taking your advice.

My advice?

Yeah, meet people and have fun.

Look, I gotta go.

I don't want to be rude.
I'll call you later.

Hey wait.

No, I'll call you later.

That was ridiculous I know.

Now I'm embarrassed.

No.

Don't worry, it was sweet.

Well if there's no one
else you'd like to
ring up at midnight,

are you ready to get
to know each other?

Do you mind if we just
hang out tonight?

Oh.

Okay - no worries.

I'm down with whatever.

You sure?

Yeah, that's fine.

I just assumed that
was what you wanted.

I'm not really like that.

Me neither.

I'm really just a simple,

romantic homebody.

I'm good with just
hanging out tonight.

That's very cool of you.

You just seem like a
really great guy.

I do.

You know...if you want to put
your hand on my leg again, I
won't freak out, I promise.

Aww.

How Sweet.

Well that was certainly hot.

I needed that.

Apparently several times.

Listen, I need to go,

I have class.

Oh.

What are you studying?

It's an aerobics class.

Oh.

Is it tough?

It's actually quite fun.

No. I mean getting back
to the 1980's when they
actually taught aerobics.

It's coming back,
I'll have you know.

I'll have to remember to
tell my leg warmers that.

What are leg warmers?

You're kidding, right?

No, and unfortunately I
don't have time to find out.

I need to leave,

I have to be
there at eleven.

Oh my god!
It's eleven?!

Hey, what happened to
you? You never called
me back last night.

It's Diane.

Brody, do you know
where Myles is?

Well did you try him at home?

It's a wonder you're
not a detective yet.

Uh. I don't know. I haven't
seen him since last night.

Well, he had a client
meeting on the books at
9:30 and he missed it.

Ok. Let me go check in
on him. I'll get back
to you in ten minutes.

Thank you.

Myles. Are you in there?

Don't you have a key?

Why would I need a key, huh?

Is there a problem officers?

No sir. We're just
responding to a call.

Do you know Myles?

I do. Quiet fella, but nice.
Always a hello in the hallway.

Raised right.

Smells good too.

What did he do?

He didn't do anything. We're
just checking in on him.

Did you happen to
see him last night?

Nope.

Don't think he came home or
I would have heard him.

I hear everything.

Even with this bad
ear, I catch it all.

Let me know if you
need my help.

I'm a vigilante you know.

I think we've got it covered.
But, thank you for your help.

Anything for officers
of the law.

Keep up the good work boys.

Myles.

Myles you here?

Myles?

Myles?

Wow.

Who is his roommate, Mr. Clean?

A carafe?

Silver shaker? Who does he
entertain here? James Bond?

When blockbuster runs out of
DVD's to rent, do they come here
and borrow a few from Myles?

Ok. Enough with the running
commentary, can you just see if
you can find something please.

Like what, dust?

Good luck with that.

Come on.

He never came home last night.

I'm sure he's fine.

Yeah. Famous last words
before they find his
body in a dumpster.

Look, we need to put an APB
out and get more eyes out
there looking for him now.

Before we sound the alarm,
let's stop by his office
and see what we can find.

Relax.

It'll be fine.

Just one quick stop, okay?

Ok.

There you are!

Thanks for covering...

Wait a second. Why do
you look like this?

Is this a walk of shame?

I'm not ashamed of anything.

Well, you obviously
didn't do it right.

I wouldn't be so
sure about that.

Ok.

I want to hear everything,
and it better be filthy.

Phone numbers,
names, descriptions.

Is video asking too much?

A gentleman never
kisses and tells.

A gentleman who doesn't tell
is asking for a beating.

Ok. But only because I'm
afraid of you right now.

Wait, hold that thought.

Before you start, I have
to call Brody and have him
call off the SWAT team

he's going to
send after you.

I was just calling you.

See? I told you
he was fine.

Has he been here
the whole time?

He just got here. Hence
me trying to call you.

Hey, I'm standing
right here.

Diane called, said you
didn't come into work.
She made us all nervous.

I just came in a little
late. You really didn't
have to call Brody.

Don't blame me, it's my
maternal instincts -
I'm a slave to them.

Suddenly this day has just
taken a turn for the better.

Hello, my name is Diane.

I hope you enjoy the
softer of the two sexes.

Hi. I'm officer
Garcia...and I do.

Where were you?

I thought something happened.

Something did.

He was just about to tell
me all the sordid details.

I'm dying to hear them.

I have a feeling that
most of them are filthy.

Well, I can't right
now. I've got a ton
of work to catch up on.

So if you'd excuse me.

Are you serious?
Is he serious?

Look, could you
give us a minute?

You take all the
time you need.

You. Come with me.

Ok. What were you doing?

What were you thinking, going
to some strangers house

in the middle of the
night for a hook up?

It was your idea.

I'm trying new things.
Plus, you do it all the time.

I'm different than you.

How?

I'm a cop.

I can defend myself,
unlike you...

Oh please.

Myles.

I know guys,

some of them are real creeps. I
see what people are capable of.

I appreciate your concern.

Really, I do.

But I can take care of myself,

thank you.

Really?

Like the time those girls
scouts talked you into buying
a dozen boxes of cookies?

That wasn't my fault.

There were four of them
and only one of me.

So do you have a first
name, Officer Garcia?

It's Richard.

As in...?

Yes, Richard.

Uh huh.

I can see that you're
packing a lot of equipment.

Well, we're outfitted
with the proper gear to
handle any situation.

I can see that.

Look, I've got to get to work.

Can we fight about this later?

Maybe, if I'm
not too busy... dad.

So what does a girl have
to do to get her hands
on your nightstick?

Well, it's actually bigger
than it looks.

If you...

Let's go.

It's nice meeting you.

You too.

Oh My God!

So, what's the
deal with Diane?

I know.

I'm sorry you got
stuck with her.

She is a psycho.

I felt like a piece of meat for
her to chew on and spit out.

How awesome is that?

Wait.

What?

"Muy Caliente"

Diane?

As in, you and Diane?

No, No, No.

That is a bad idea.

The two of you
could not be more...

different.

Friction is what makes
the heat, my friend.

Besides, I'm packing...

and I carry a gun.

Let's leave the bad
sexual puns to me.

So, what happened with Myles?

He went home with
some guy last night.

That's great.

Your plan worked.

Yeah.

I guess it did, right?

You should be happy;
you're off the hook.

Beers on me. You
pick the place.

Deal.

He clearly doesn't
know I carry a gun.

Great. Now he's going to
like me that much more!

I have gone to plenty of
titty bars with you.

You can get your
gogo on with me.

In that case, I need
another drink.

Here, oh...

Hey! What the hell?

I'm sorry.

You just caught
me off guard.

I was going to warn
you about that.

No you weren't.

They're called mouth
shots for a reason.

What the hell other kind
of shots are there?

Don't answer that.

Alright, I gotta run.

Where are you going?

I told Diane I'd meet up with
her after she got off work.

Don't forget your handcuffs.

Someone's having WWF Smackdown,
screaming until your neighbors
bang on the wall-style sex.

It shows?

I'm talking about myself
and my spicy Latino lover.

You and Richard?

It's kind of like a spin class-

hot and sweaty, but with
handcuffs, a nightstick
and... pepper spray.

Ok, pepper spray is too much.

How are you and Hunter doing?

Judging by the recent playlist
of eighties love songs, I'd
say it's going pretty well.

Awww.

You really are an Easy Bake
Oven away from being a twelve
year old girl, aren't you?

Bye love.

You ok partner?

I took the new recruits
out last night,

to O'Malley's.

I don't know which is worse.

The gay bars or the Irish ones.

I guess it depends on
what you're looking for at the
end of the rainbow.

At this point I would settle
for a well hung Leprechaun.

That's why I'm glad
I'm dating again.

I'm in bed by 10 pm.

If I'm ever in bed by ten,

put a bullet in me.

I'm telling you, these past
two weeks have been great

and the sex with
Diane is amazing.

Which reminds me, I need
some more pepper spray.

I'm not going to ask,
besides, the image of Diane
having sex is not something

I want stuck in
my head all day.

Really?

Because I do.

Speaking of which, it's
been two weeks for Myles
and his boyfriend.

I know because I'm
patiently waiting for him
to get dumped again.

That's the kind of
postive, healthy support
a best friend deserves.

Hey, I'm just waiting in the
wings like I always do for when
he gets his heart broken again.

Face it.

You miss him.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

If you say so,
but I do know this:

if he were my friend
and I missed him,

I'd grab a couple of beers,

get some Chinese food

and go over to his
place after work.

Well, you're not me and I
don't need your advice.

Come in.

Oh hey.

Brody.

I thought it would be nice if
I surprised you with dinner.

That's actually a
really nice surprise,

but I already have plans.

I can see you have plans.
Are you having Liberace over
for dinner? What is this?

It's Hunter's first time
coming over tonight.

I wanted to do
something special.

Well, we can do
something another night.

You know you don't have to go.

You could join us if you want.

Don't be ridiculous.

You know I don't do threesomes.

Since when?

It's too much, isn't it.

What?

No it's ridiculous
and over-the-top,

but it's you and that's what
I think is so nice about it.

Other guys may find it
terrifying, but I
think it's wonderful.

You like that about me?

What that you're a psycho?

Yes, it makes me
feel more normal.

Look finish getting ready and
we'll do something tomorrow.

Happy hour?

See you tomorrow.

Later!

Hello Stone.

I'll see you in five minutes.

Hey Brody.

Stone.

Come on in, have a drink.

I can see you've
done this before.

Maybe once or twice.

So, how do you want to do this?

Quickly.

I have dinner in an hour.

I'm fine with
being an appetizer.

Just so you know, you're
going to be late for dessert.

Fine by me.

Ignore it.

It's probably my date tonight.
He's obsessive compulsive.

How annoying.

I know, right?

I'm sorry, I can't.
Just get it.

I'll send it to voicemail.

Oh!! Please tell me your
name is not Hunter.

No, of course it's not.

Thank god.

Hunter's my hook-up name,

like "Stone".

Oh, Fuck me!

Sure, if you want
me to be on top.

No. As in God-damn it.

What's the problem?

Oh Man, I really wanted you to
turn out to be a good guy.

I am a good guy.

Well, maybe not marriage
material, but...

I gotta go.

Dude, chill out!

This is not a big deal.

Actually it is.

Myles is my best friend and
he's going to freak out

when he finds out that I
hooked up with his boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

We're not boyfriends.

Myles is a nice guy
and a decent lay,

but that's about where it ends.

Don't make me knock you out.

Hey, you're in my
house, remember?

Ok, look.

This is how this is going to go.

You go have dinner
with Myles and

you don't say anything
about this.

This never happened.

You know what, I really
think you should leave.

I'm serious, now!

I'm not done here.

Yeah you are, and if you don't
leave I'll call the cops.

I'm a cop.

Yeah.

Well if that's the case,

then I'll just call Myles and
tell him I hooked up with his
best friend...the cop.

Ok, calm down.

I'll go, but I need
you to promise

that you're not going to be
an asshole to Myles, ok?

Just go have dinner with him,
don't say anything about this.
I am asking you nicely.

See?

Now you're being a good boy.

Just so you know,
I'll do what I want.

And I'll start with
throwing you out.

Got it?

I got it.

Good.

I'm glad we're on
the same page again.

Now leave!

Asshole.

Asshole.

Hey Myles.

Hunter broke up with me.

Awe.

I'm so sorry, Myles.

Could you come over?

Death by chocolate?

Death by homemade tiramisu.

I'll be right there.

One day, you are
going to find a guy

who see's what a
great catch you are.

You are going to make
someone the best husband.

What about you?

I am not a catch.

Well that's not true.

Yes, it is.

Look, I'm not like you.

Anybody who would pass up an

amazing evening like this,

with you, is a fool.

Well, I'm obviously
doing something wrong.

You have lousy taste in men.

Take Hunter...

- Let's not talk about him.
- I think we should...
- I really don't want to.

Let me finish.

Anybody who would break up
with you in a text is a creep
and not worth your time.

You think I don't know that?
I didn't even text him back.

I'm sick of being
mistreated by asshole guys
who don't appreciate me.

Good for you Myles.

Now, can we just move on?

Let's just enjoy the fact that
we're hanging out together.

Yes.

Let's make tonight about this
amazing tiramisu that you made.

- And us.
- And us.

So, run this by me one more
time. Why didn't you tell him
what happened the other night?

I just couldn't.

If you knew Myles and how upset
it would make him, trust me, you
wouldn't have told him either.

Actually, yes, I would have.

Myles can't handle
these things.

He's a grown man.

Yeah, on the outside maybe but
on the inside he's all...

Hello Kitty.

He's never going to find out.

That's not how it works.

Trust me, they always find
out. And even if they don't,

you'll always think in
the back of your head

that they know something, but
just aren't saying anything.

Does someone have a little
baggage from a past relationship
they want to talk about?

Let's just say, I had
to learn the hard way.

Fine, I'll talk
to him tonight.

-Ok?
- Alright.

How you doing?

I liked him,
he was a great guy.

He wasn't that great.

Hi Brody... Martini?

No thanks, I'm
probably just going to
get it thrown in my face.

What did you do?

Can I just start off by saying
that it was not my fault.

That is the worst way
to start a conversation.
That's like saying,

"I know this looks bad", or,

"This is just going to
hurt a little bit."

I can tell already,
this is not going to end well.

I've known you
for over ten years.

Nothing you say is
going to bother me
or surprise me anymore.

So just tell me.

I ran Hunter's ID
down at the station.

His real name is Steven
Adams. He's from Nebraska.

Well, I know where he's
from. I didn't know his
name wasn't Hunter.

Yeah and it's
not Stone either.
That's my point.

What's the point?
And who is Stone?

Exactly! Neither of
us knew his real name.

Just tell me what happened.

After I left your place
the other night,

I went on Grindr
to meet someone.

-You hooked up with Hunter?
-I didn't know it was him!

He said his name was
Stone. I mean, who uses
that name anyway.

He texted me on Grindr,
I went over there.

I did not know what I
was doing was wrong. I
would never do that to you.

You suck.

How was I supposed to
know? It's not like you
introduced me to the guy.

You're the one that
ruined this for me.

I met a great guy and you just
couldn't stand it, could you?

He is not a great guy,
believe me.

Certainly not the Prince
Charming you think he is.

Trust me, Hunter is a creep.

Trust you?

Think about it Myles. It's
always the same with you.
You bring this on yourself.

You keep thinking that one
guy is going to be exactly
what you need to be happy.

It is not the case,
never will be.

Well, sadly that's
true isn't it?

You're right, things
have got to change.

I gotta to go, sorry
I can't do this anymore.

-Wait, what?
-One martini. Dirty.

Myles.

Myles.

Look at this guy.

He didn't even attempt to
slow down when he saw us.

So light him up!

-He was only going forty.
-He's speeding right
in front of us.

People need to learn to respect
authority. Light him up!

-It's not a big deal.
-I said, let's get them!

So now you're that asshole
cop who chases down

an '87 Corolla for going fifteen
miles over the speed limit?

Yes.

You really need to straighten
this thing out with Myles.

I've tried calling,
texting, emailing him.

He obviously doesn't
want to talk to me.

I may not be the
smartest guy in the world
but I can take a hint...

...when someone doesn't
want to see me.

You have to go over
there and work this out.

Knock his door down
if you have to.

-He doesn't want to talk to me.
-You're a cop for Christ's sake.

Pull your balls out
of your ass and man up.

You miss him. Make it right.

Fine.

Myles, open up.

Myles, come on, open up.

I need you to open
up, just talk to me.

Knock one more time
and I'm calling the cops.

Officer.

Under-cover, huh?
A sting operation.

I get it.

Still after Myles?

Have you seen him?

Nope. What did he do?

He didn't do anything.

It's always the quiet ones.
I knew he was a bad seed.

That isn't the case, sir.

Of course you
can't say anything.

I know what's going on.

I just hope you get
the son-of-a bitch!

Myles.

Come on.

Myles.

Pizza, wings and beer.

Who needs men?

We'll have more
fun without them.

-No we won't.
-You're right.

I'll try not to bitch about
how much men suck tonight.

Why? It's my favorite subject.

Luckily for you I have
the perfect evening planned.

Comfort food, ice cream and...

a romantic movie.

I love that we are doing this.

-I do it every day.
-What about Richard?

Are you kidding?
It's his favorite thing.

Two bowls of pistachio
froyo, twin snuggies
and a romantic movie.

We cry all night long.

-Lucky bitch.
-I know.

Diane, I need to
tell you something.
Please don't be upset.

Any conversation
that begins with, "please
don't be upset", upsets me.

I need to start fresh. Get
somewhere far away from here.

You're moving to the Valley?

No, I'm thinking of transferring
to the New York office.

There's a job opening
there for a senior litigator
that starts next week.

I know you're not
going to agree with this...

You want to leave
and move to New York?

We both know I should go.

Actually, we don't. I
think you're running
away from your problems.

Please don't make
this any harder for
me than it already is.

I really need to do this.

No you don't!

It's an irrational,
impetuous and totally
emotionally clouded decision.

I need to break this cycle and
I can't do it from Los Angeles.

Fine. I'll concede.

-But only under one condition.
-Let the negotiations begin.

You have to let me
have a going away
party for you this weekend.

Absolutely not. No party.

Just a few friends over
for drinks at my place?

-No more than six.
-Deal.

So how are you going to tell
Brody that you're moving to
the other side of the country?

I don't know yet.

I could have Richard do it.

Brody.

And to think he's a cop.

If you were a horse,
I'd be obliged to put you down.

What time is it? Am I late?

Let's just say you're
early for lunch.

Why don't you get in the shower?

So, how long is this
going to go on?

Just give me five minutes
to take a shower, ok?

Not the shower.
The self-pity and depression.

It's been every night this week.

Hey, I've finally found
something I'm good at.

Why quit when I've
almost mastered it?

Well, since you're already down,
I've got something else for you.

It's an invitation.

From who?

Diane.

She's having a few people over.

Is Myles going to be there?

Yep.

This is the perfect
opportunity for me to
smooth things out with Myles.

In theory.

Was this Diane's idea?

Absolutely. So you'll come?

Hell yeah. Now I got
something to look forward to.

Me too.

I kept it small
like you wanted.

I asked you not to do anything.

This was my compromise.

I'll miss you.

I'm well aware. I still can't
believe you're doing this.

Five days on the open
road will do me good.

Wait until you hit Nevada.

You're going to regret
that decision all the way
to the Statue of Liberty.

Brody's here.

I'll be in the bomb shelter
if anyone's needs me.

Oh no, you're not
going anywhere.

We need someone who
can operate a handgun.

Hey!

Thank you so much
for inviting me.

It's good to see you.

So, what's the occasion?
You got a promotion, right?

Richard, will you help me dear?

Oh, and bring a shovel.

Would you excuse us?

He's going to be really
busy digging a six by
three foot hole out back.

What was that about?

It's just that this
isn't exactly a party
for my promotion.

So, you didn't get a promotion?

I technically did,
I guess you could say that.

Well, congrats!

It's also a going away party.

For who?

Oh, you're leaving.

Where? When?

I head out on Saturday morning.

Drive across country
to New York.

Saturday to New York
and this is how you tell me?

-Well Richard was
going to tell you.
-You asked Richard to tell me?

Diane did.

How could you leave
and not say anything to me?

I haven't left yet.

Yeah, but you're
planning on it Myles.

Why?

Because I don't have
a reason to stay anymore.

I'm not a good enough reason?

You tell me, Brody.

If this is about
the Hunter thing,

I told you I did not
mean to mess it up for you.

I was just trying
to protect you.

I know that and I'm not
mad about it anymore.

I'm the reason I need to leave.

I need to grow up and
stop looking for my Prince
Charming to come and save me.

That is what I've been
telling you the whole time.

Well then, I agree with you.

So you think that going to
New York is what's going
to make you happy.

It's a start.

Well then, I guess that's that.

I guess so.

-Can I get you another?
-No. I'm good, thanks.

I'm mad at you.

I know, but being
that I'm your only friend
now and your partner at work,

I think you're going to have
to get over it pretty quickly.

You knew that was
a going away party.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you,
but I figured you deserved
to hear it directly from Myles.

Plus, if I had told you,
you wouldn't have come
to say goodbye.

You don't know me.

It's like we never even met.

You know, he's right?

It is better for both
of us if he just leaves.

Well, you certainly
know what's best.

I'm not like Myles,
I don't need anyone.

It's true. You're not miserable
at all when he's gone.

Myles is a hopeless romantic.

All he wants is
someone to love him.

Yeah, so unreasonable.

Plus, he's a people
pleaser. All he cares
about is the guy he's with.

That's horrible. I can see
why guys would hate that.

Myles is like a penguin.
He will bond to you, he's
dependable and trustworthy.

I'm really starting
to hate that guy.

I mean, could you imagine
if Myles and I were together.

Not at all. It's crazy
to think that two people
who care about each other

as much as you two do
would ever, ever want
to be in a relationship.

I know, right? I mean,
if Myles were the
perfect guy for me,

I would have realized
that years ago.

Absolutely.

I mean there is no way
you'd overlook something
so obvious for so long.

Exactly.

Myles just wants to be married.

And all I want is for
him to be happy.

Then I guess the only
way for that to happen
is to remove you from his life.

Yeah, I guess.

To Brody.

I hope you find
someone to love you.

I hope you find
someone to love.

Dearly beloved, we
are gathered here
today to bear witness

to the matrimony
of these two men.

This is a relationship that
stands for love and loyalty.

This is a relationship that
stands for honesty and trust.

But most importantly,
this is a relationship
that stands for friendship.

Because before they were
lovers, they were friends,

and it is this seed of
friendship that love
was their destiny.

One cannot dictate or
determine the course of love.

For if love finds you worthy,
then love directs you.

It is this sacred
and holy estate which
you enter into as one.

And if there is anyone who
has just cause why these
two should not join as one,

let him speak now
or forever hold his peace.

Do you take this man to love,
honor and comfort,

and keep in sickness
and in health,

in sadness and in joy,

and cherish and bestow upon
him your deepest devotion,

for as long as you
both shall live?

I do.

Then, by the power
vested in me,

I now pronounce you

husband and husband.

You may now kiss your groom.

Come on! Are you kidding me?

Oh... I can't.

Come on, Come on, Come on!

Myles, are you in there?

Myles, are you in there?

Myles!

-Myles!
-What are you
god-damned kids up to now?

-I'm sorry to disturb you, sir.
-I'm sorry officer, I
didn't realize it was you.

Still haven't caught him yet?

Have you seen him today?

Saw him this morning. He
woke me up making a ruckus.

I went back to sleep.
Which I never do by the way.

Damn Sciatica kept
me up all night.

I got one of these
dial mattresses.

I changed it from a four to a
six, I thought that might help.

I slept better on my old Sealy.

You think they'd let me
take this one back?

-It's only been six weeks.
-I really have to get to Myles,
so if you know where he is.

Gone now. I guess
you missed him.

Yeah. I guess I did.

You're gonna go
after him, aren't you?

He's not a criminal.

I know that. I'm not blind and
stupid. You obviously love him.

I do.

Then go after him!

Don't make the same mistake
I did and end up like me.
Trust me.

Don't just stand
there, go get him!

He's going to New York.

I don't know where he is. I'm
not going to catch up to him.

You've got a cop car don't
you? Light up that son-of-a
bitch. I've seen them go

two-hundred miles an hour.
Tear ass down that freeway!
Don't let him get away.

Ok. Ok.

Crazy kids.

I'm sorry for getting you out
of bed so early for this.

Who needs sleep on
a Saturday morning?

Besides, this is fun.

It's just like those movies
Diane makes me watch.

I have to catch up to Myles
before it's too late.

Do me a favor, call him
and see where he is.

No way! That is not
how's its done.

Myles is a romantic.

We have to catch up with him.

It's the element of surprise
that will win him back.

Yeah, and what if we don't
make it there in time?

Trust me on this one.
I know how it's done.

You always get the
guy in the end.

Calling doesn't seem like such
a bad idea now, does it?

It always works in the movies.

So what now?

I don't know.

It usually doesn't
turn out this way.

I'm too late, aren't I?

Might as well head back.

I know you have
plans with Diane.

Let me call her and let her
know I'll be a little late.

I'll be in the car.

This better not be an, "I
can't make it today" call.

No, no, I'll be there.

Small emergency.
I'll just be a little late.

Well hurry, so you can
start making it up to me.

And don't forget your uniform -

especially the night stick.

Bye.

Richard's going to
be a little bit late.

Keep me company for
just a bit more?

I've got three thousand miles
ahead of me and now all I'm
going to be able to think about

is you and Richard playing
"cops and robbers".

You should see me
trying to resist arrest.

I really need to go.

I just wanted to help you
clean up and say goodbye.

Let's have a
mimosa for the road.

No one should drive into the
middle of this country without
at least one drink in them.

-You're awful.
-I know.

Are you sure you don't
want to join us for brunch?

You know a gay guy is tired
when he turns down brunch.

I had a bad night
and a crappy morning.

Bottomless drinks.

I have a feeling you'll get
your money's worth today.

I really don't feel like
being around people.

Especially those in love.

Where the hell have
you two been?

And you brought the squad car.

Nice touch.

We drove to Nevada
this morning.

We're trying to catch
up with Myles.

Nevada?

Why are you trying
to catch up with Myles?

Brody wants to talk to him.
He doesn't want him to leave.

Well, you just missed him.

Obviously.

You and your detective
skills. I mean he was just
here, he left a minute ago.

Hey, we can still catch him!

You can't call him.
That's not the way it works.

I know. I've been
trying to tell him that.

I just can't.

Straight to voicemail.

He's right there.

Go! Go!

Are you crazy?!

Move!

Are you kidding me?!

Stop!

Get out of my way.

-I need to leave.
-Myles.

No, let me go. Move!

Why are you all
doing this to me?

There's nothing you can
do to make me stay.

Was that supposed
to change my mind?

That was the idea.

It didn't.

I can't do this
with you anymore.

I've got to do what's
right for me now, and
that's getting away from you.

You may not need someone,
but you deserve someone.

And I want to be that person.

You're not capable of
having a relationship.

What have we been
doing the last ten years?

I may not be the Prince
Charming that you imagine but,

you know I would slay
a dragon for you.

It's not enough, Brody.

What else is there?

Trust, love,
companionship, respect.

We don't have all those things?

Well then, I'll guess I'll have
to make this easy for you.

Cause you don't have a choice.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm glad you're here
because I need a lawyer.

Would you please tell me if
this is still legally binding?

I charge seven-hundred
dollars an hour.

Fine, I'll do it pro-bono.

Let me see it.

I'm sorry, it's not
legally binding.

It states that this becomes
effective on Myles' birthday.

Unfortunately, that's
not until tomorrow.

I guess we'll just have
to wait twelve hours.

We can put him under
house arrest until
the contract is due.

I can leave this
perp in your custody.

The law is the law.

I'm so glad that everybody's
made the decision about
what I should do.

Does anybody want to
know what I think?

Yes, of course.

I think after
waiting ten years,

I deserve a proper kiss.

You're calling me why?

Well, I always call you after
I hook up with a hot guy.

How was it?

Let me put it like this: I'm
gonna have to call you back,

cause I'm about to do it again.

It was that good?

Oh yeah.

And by the way,

Happy Birthday Myles.

It certainly is.