Original subtitles

[music playing throughout]

[woman grunting]

' [gasps] - [yells]

[grunting]

[yells]

[all grunting]

[yells]

[exhales]

[neighs]

[man grunts]

[groans]

[gasps]

[man laughs]

[yells]

- [yells] ' [grunts]

[yells]

[9 Fu nts]

[9 Fu nts]

[unearthly roar]

[sighs]

[9 Fu nts]

[man snarling]

[grunting]

[exhales]

[gasps]

[beastly roaring]

[roaring]

[breathing heavily]

My hero!

- [yells] - [announcer] You are the winner!

Oh! He shoots, he scores.

Come on! Black Knight strikes again!

- [whoops] - [music playing]

[Annie] Jack?

- [trills] - [music stops]

[sighs]

When is this gonna get cleaned up?

Mm.

You know, people are coming to see the house.

I'm doing homework.

- Homework? - Yeah, homework.

You think I'm clueless?

No, I'm working on that.

- Homework... - I've never seen that before.

What, me, operate a computer?

Hey, I don't mean to put pressure on you, sweetie,

but you really gotta do great at school.

'Cause, at this point, I-- I just-- I can't afford college.

You gotta get a scholarship.

Is nothing selling?

Six months. Not a house, not an apartment.

Hey, Mr. Chang says everything happens for a reason.

Yes, you know what?

Well, Mr. Chang is not getting his home foreclosed on in 90 days.

[children yelling distantly]

I'm sorry.

I know he's your friend,

and it's really sweet of him to give you a job and everything, but...

We don't need philosophy. We need a break.

Hey... how's it going with Travis and them?

Oh, that's fine.

- No more bullying? - I just told you.

0K3)'-

- I love you. - Love you too.

- No more gaming. - Mm.

- Until you finish your homework. - Is that a threat?

Yeah.

[trills and beeps]

[Hector] lam Octoman!

[laughing maniacally]

[laughs]

Hector, you dork.

- An octopus has eight arms. - Whatever!

II'

[scoffs] Look who's here.

[Travis] Watch this, dork!

- Oh, no, Travis. - Whoo!

[grunts] Whoo!

- [grunts] - [Travis] You like that? You like that?

Whoa!

You like that, huh? Bye-bye.

[boys shouting indistinctly]

[boys laughing]

[Travis] Get out of the way!

[9 Fu nts]

[panting]

[boy] Hey, Travis, you're all right there?

[Jack] Oh, gosh, I'm really sorry.

How many times I gotta tell you?

This is our spot!

You said the park on Magnolia was your spot.

You didn't-- you didn't say anything about this.

Any place there's a ramp, that's ours.

You almost killed me, twerp!

I'm sorry, okay? It was an accident!

Accident or not...

[bOth grunt]

I'm still gonna kick your butt.

Ah! [panting]

[lzia's "So Much Trouble" playing]

You're not getting away that easy!

What are you waiting for? Let's go!

Gotta move, boys! Come on!

Let's go, boys! Let's go, boys!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Get out of the way, wrinkles!

[woman] Watch it!

[kid] Let's go to the left!

Whoa!

[Travis] Car, car, car, car!

[groans]

Look out!

Sorry, ma'am!

0K3)'-

No, no, no! Argh!

- [yells] - [horn blares]

[boys whooping]

[Travis] Come on, come on! Hurry up, hurry up!

[Jack] No, no, no, no!

[Travis] Oh, move! Move, what are you doing? What, you going to a frat party?

- Move, get out of the way! - Where'd he go? What's your problem?

- [bell rings] - [Old Chang] Trouble again?

[Jack] You mean trouble still.

[strained] You should use some of those moves from your game, Jack.

[sighs] Kick some butt.

That's the gaming world, Mr. Chang.

This is the real world. One's got nothing to do with the other.

- Bravery is bravery. - Look at me.

Do I even look like I have one ounce of brave in me?

Looking and being are two different things, young Jack.

Not in this case. Here, it's what you see is what you get.

Well, let's see if I can get some work out of my employee.

0K3)'-

How are things at home?

Eh, Mom's worried about money.

The real estate market's dead. She hasn't sold anything in months.

Looks like we're gonna have to move.

I wish I could do something to help her out,

invent a cool app or something.

What's all this?

It's a new shipment from my cousin in Beijing. Help me open it.

II'

Mr. Chang, what's this?

This has been in my family since forever.

You like it?

Yeah. I do.

The Dancing Princess.

Yeah, looks like she's breaking.

- You know, like... - [laughs]

See? Look.

I don't think so, young Jack.

She lived a long, long time ago.

She saved her country from the Barbarians.

Talk about brave. She was brave.

This little girl can kick butt, big time.

Where do I put it?

How about your house?

What do you mean?

I mean, a present.

- No, Mr. Chang, I can't. - Oh, sure you can.

You watch the shop while I go on vacation.

But you're already overpaying me for that.

Bad manners to refuse a gift.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- [Jack] Hey, so I have an idea. - [Annie] Mm.

This house... really kinda too big for the both of us.

I mean, when Dad was here, fine.

But now, you know, maybe we should think about renting a room out,

you know, to some kid from the university or something.

What did I do to deserve a kid like you?

Win the lottery?

- Good night. - [chuckles]

II'

[gasps]

[speaking Mandarin]

What?

[vibrates]

[exclaims]

Where is the Black Knight?

I'm the Black Knight!

You lie, you die! [yells]

Black Knight! It's Octoman! [laughs maniacally]

- Hey, wait, wait! - I challenge you to a duel to the death!

[Hector exclaims]

It's a video game! It's a video game! Okay?

I just want to show you, man.

I have eight arms now, bro!

[laughs]

Okay, see? That's the challenger.

And that's me, the Black Knight.

[speaks Mandarin]

Yeah. It's me. Look, when I move...

- [grunts] - ...he moves.

[announcer] Fight!

[video game characters grunting]

[game music playing]

[announcer] You are the winner!

[Hector] Just you wait man, I'm gonna come back with twelve arms.

[exclaims]

So you are the Black Knight?

In the game world, I'm the Black Knight. In this world, I'm Jack Bronson.

Jack Bronson is worthless to me.

[speaking Mandarin]

Jack Bronson, I need your help.

For what?

I need you to guard the most precious treasure of the empire.

Excuse me?

[speaking Mandarin]

The Princess and future Empress.

Oh...

Hi. I'm Jack...

Anyone who touches the princess dies! That is the rule.

No exceptions?

There is no point of having a rule if you have an exception.

Sometimes it's good to be a little flexible.

[speaking Mandarin]

If anything happens to her...

II'

[stammers] I am hallucinating. This is crazy.

This isn't happening, this isn't happening.

- Where are your weapons? - My weapons?

Warrior Zhao said you were going to protect me.

To protect me you need to have skills. And weapons.

Okay, you know, I think Warrior Zhao is a little confused

'cause... I'm not the Black Knight.

I don't have skills, or weapons.

So Warrior Zhao was right. You are worthless.

Okay, you know what, can we start over? I'm Jack.

- What do I call you? - Your Highness.

I meant your name.

- Sulin. - Okay.

I'm hungry, Jack. Bring me swallow nest soup.

Mm, roasted snail, the big kind.

Oh, and duck tongues in hot chili sauce. Mm.

I'll see what I can do.

[Shirley Bassey's "Kiss Me Honey, Honey Kiss Me" playing]

[dance music playing over headphones]

[clatters]

Not bad.

II'

[breathing deeply]

[sighs]

Oh, no! Oh! Oh, no!

Sulin?

[breathing sharply]

No, no, no, no.

[Annie] Hey-

Just in time. Hey, how did you sleep?

Great. How did you sleep?

[yawns] Fine.

Do you want to sit down?

Um... no, no, um...

because I read that it's better for digestion if you stand.

I never heard that.

Um, okay, I'm gonna do the dishes.

No, no, I'll do it, Mom.

Leave it, Mom, I'll do the dishes today.

Excuse me, what?

You have to go to work. The bridge is down, there's traffic.

- You're gonna be late. - The bridge?

Yeah, you've gotta go, you're gonna be late.

- [Annie] I need my-- - [Jack] Here's the bag, keys, phone...

Hey, I'm going to see aunt Sophie tomorrow. Do you want to come with?

Uh, no, I've got a lot of stuff to do, like homework.

- Okay. - Yeah, okay, bye.

[sighs]

- Okay, you gotta come inside! - [exhales sharply]

Hey! I'm not joking!

- [grunts] - [doorbell ringing]

- Okay, just stay here. Don't move! - [continues ringing]

What up, man?

[9 Fu nts]

So how'd you like my octopus, bro?

Mm, lame.

Damn, it's a prototype, yo. Just gimme some time, I'll be killin' it.

- Eight arms and stuff. - [Sulin] Hello?

- Hello. - Whoa.

You gonna intro me, bro?

Uh. This is Hector.

- Octoman, yo. - Octoman.

This is... Her Highness.

Really? That's her name?

Yeah, that's it.

Well, pound it out, Your Highness. [laughs]

' No! ' [grunts]

- [groans] - Oh, dude, I'm so sorry.

' [groans] ' Are you okay?

Yeah, it's cool, man.

- I got seven more, you know. - [grunts]

So what's the story here?

[Jack] It's complicated, and I don't really want to talk about it right now.

You know what I mean?

Dude, the girl is... whoa! You gonna hook up'?

- [grunts] - Not if you keep asking

stupid questions like that.

- You tell me all about it, though, right? - Every last detail.

Right, catch you two lovebirds later.

- You can't do that! - He want to hit me.

No, he went to fistbump you. It's a greeting, like a handshake.

Didn't you hear Warrior Zhao? Never touch a princess.

You can get your head chopped off. That's the rule.

Okay, maybe where you come from, that's the rule.

But here? Here the rules are different.

When you go back to your world,

you can chop off as many heads as you want, I promise.

But here, my world, my rules.

" Okay? " Okay

No!

- [sighs] - What are you doing?

Observing your world, so I can learn the rules better.

No, no, no, no, you have to go back inside.

How am I going to learn the rules of your world if I don't see it?

Well, you can't go out dressed like that.

- Why not? - Because...

Because people will stare and wonder what the heck's going on.

If I was dressed differently could I stand here?

Yes!

Then call the tailor and have him make me new clothes.

Uh, we don't get our clothes from a tailor.

Then take me where you do.

[Samsaya's "Stereotype" playing]

These are men's.

- Hey, hey, hey. - [clatters]

II'

- Are you okay? - What's that?

That's ice cream. It's food.

What does it taste like?

Well, first it's cold, then it's sweet.

Mm. I want one.

Okay, well, what flavor do you want?

They have chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, cherry, mint chip...

Mm, I want all of them.

All of them?

0K3)'-

[ice cream pouring]

0K3)'-

- [rhythmic clapping] - [dance music playing]

[all cheering]

- Girl, you the shit. - Hey, hey, hey. Here's your ice cream.

We gotta go.

- That was fun! - Yeah. It was.

I like the mall, Jack. Thank you for bringing me here.

You're welcome.

What did he mean, I'm "the shit?"

Uh, well, when you really like something,

- that's what you say. - Mm.

[door opens]

Hi, Mom.

Uh, hello.

I had ice cream.

- Yeah, I can see that. - [Jack] Urn...

Do you wanna...

Mom, I forgot to tell you. Um...

The other day in school

they asked someone to volunteer to take an exchange student.

And Sulin showed up today.

Uh, you fresh off the boat, huh?

No boat. I came by box.

- What? - Uh, she meant plane.

Plane, because box and plane are the same in her language.

- What's the plane? - [chuckles awkwardly]

- She does this all the time. - I thought she just got here?

- She did. - But you just said all the time.

I did. Um... I meant that in the time that she's been here.

Are you okay with this?

- Yeah, I mean-- - Uh, no, no, no, no.

Sulin, it is so nice to meet you.

Um, I'm Jack's Mom. I'm Annie.

Um, I'm so... hungry.

Um, sure, we have salad, and fresh corn and... hamburgers.

Sulin, do you like hamburgers?

I like snails. Like Jack made me last night.

Last night?

In the Chinese grammar, they get their past and future tenses

- mixed up a lot. - [Annie] Mm.

Um...

You know you're acting very weird.

Why don't you put the burgers on?

Sulin and I will go make up the couch in the guest room for her.

Okay, I'm gonna be gone tomorrow but maybe when I get back, we can, um...

get to know each other a little better.

Maybe we can go to the mall. It's the shit!

[laughs]

- Who told you that? - Jack.

Okay, this is where you're gonna be sleeping.

[Hector over computer] She said that?

To my Mom.

That is ill, dude.

Hector, gimme a break.

I don't know, man, the girl is hot, yo.

- Good night, Hector. - [computer trills]

[knock on door]

[Sulin] Excuse me...

The bed next door... it's in the wrong position.

Very bad feng shui.

I can't sleep.

Huh. Hmm.

This one is good feng shui.

II'

Ooh! Don't forget to clean the house.

Oh, don't worry. You won't recognize the place when you get back.

- Yeah? Sure. - Say hey to Aunt Sophie.

[car beeps]

[yells]

Where is she?

Who the hell are you?

- Where is the princess? - Look, man, I don't know, okay?

[Sulin] I'm here.

[man grunts]

[grunting]

[Sulin grunts]

[all grunting]

Whoa!

[yells]

[9 Fu nts]

[Barbarian grunts]

[sighs]

[grunting]

- [exclaiming] - Stay back!

[all grunting]

[both grunting]

[yells]

[groans]

[snarls]

[9 Fu nts]

[bOth grunt]

[all yelling and grunting]

[sighing]

Oh, no, no, no!

[both grunting]

[yells]

[gasping]

[Sulin groans]

[gasping continues]

[coughing]

[Sulin] Jack! Please help me!

Help!

[Sulin screams]

Jack!

[Barbarians speaking in Mandarin]

Jack!Jack!Jack!

[Whimpers] Jack!

Jack!

- [yelling] - Jack!

Jack!

[Sulin's screams echoing]

Jack!

Jack!Jack!Jack!

Come on!

Help! Help! Jack!

[screaming]

[9 Fu nts]

[groaning]

[grunting] Okay.

I told you not to let her out of your sight! You are worthless!

I'm not a warrior! I don't know what you were expecting!

I was expecting more.

Okay. Well, how about this for more?

When I saw she was taken by those... whatever the hell those were,

Humped fight 'm after her, man, okay'? How much more can you want'?

And by the way, we came the same way, seconds apart.

- She should be here. - She's not.

- Where is she then? - I don't know.

How can you not know? I was right behind her.

I was busy.

Well, maybe she came in and ran out.

- She's probably right outside. - Wait, don't!

[all yelling]

Oops.

[yells]

[exclaims]

[9 Fu nts]

Okay. Okay.

I don't want you to think I'm ducking out on you, 'cause I'm not,

but, you know, I got a lot of homework to do and I should be getting back by now.

Just go back to where I came.

It's not going to happen.

So I'm stuck here? There's no other way out?

I didn't say that.

I'm not in charge of transportation.

- Well, who is? - The Wizard is.

And where is the Wizard?

[Barbarians shouting indistinctly]

[man snoring]

[Zhao, softly] Jack Bronson! I wouldn't do that.

Wake up!

Stop! Never wake a sleeping Wizard.

Why? I'll get my head chopped off?

Yes, how did you know?

Lucky guess. What is it with you people and chopping off heads?

I mean, really.

It's effective.

[Barbarians yelling]

[Zhao grunting]

[yelling indistinctly]

[all grunting]

Close the door!

Cut the rope!

Hmm.

Mm.

Hmm.

- [grunting continues] - Get behind me!

[continues grunting]

- [yells] - [screams]

[9 Fu nts]

Open the door!

There's like thousands of--

Just open it.

Qkay...

[both exclaim]

[C0ughing] Oh, sorry.

[sighs and laughs]

Hello. What is your name, young man?

Jack.

Oh, Jack. Welcome, Jack!

Is something wrong?

No, it's just you look a lot like someone I know.

Is he handsome? Mm? Mm?

- Yes. - [chuckles]

Okay, now let's go find the princess.

- [Jack] Can you explain something to me? - [Wizard] If I can.

- Well, let's start with the chest. - The Warrior's Gate.

That's the real name.

- How does it work? - That's complicated.

Ah, it has to do with time, space, magic and things beyond explaining.

The main thing is that it works.

- Then how do I get back? - Another chest.

There's another chest?

- Great, where is it? - [chuckles] Well, that is complicated.

I have to collect four different woods from four different trees

that grow in four different parts of the country.

North...

where zebrawood is found.

South, where the spotted bamboo grows.

East, where the black mahogany lives.

And west, where the rarest tree in all the land is found.

That's the only way to build a new box. But first, let's find the princess.

- You know where she is? - Oh, another complicated question.

How about an easy one, huh?

- Zhao. Tell me about Zhao. - That's easy.

[baby crying]

Warrior Zhao was one of the seven companions

raised from birth by the sacred monks for one thing and one thing only:

To protect the Emperor.

The monks trained the seven companions day and night,

year in and year out,

until they were the most invincible force.

[9 Fu nts]

It was their sole purpose in life to protect the Emperor

while he brought peace to the land.

There was not a man alive who could defeat them...

except one.

Arun The Cruel, King of Barbarians.

As fate would have it,

Zhao was on a mission and late for dinner.

The food had been poisoned.

Fearing the worst, he rushed to protect the Emperor.

But he arrived too late.

[woman sobbing]

And then, chaos descended from the North.

And the peace the Emperor had worked so hard to build began to fall apart.

With no leader, the army was lost,

the people were lost.

Zhao fought relentlessly, but as great a warrior as he was,

he needed the help of the greatest warrior that could be found.

And so, by using the Seeing Stone,

- I found you. - Yes!

And he passed through the Warrior's Gate

to get help protecting the greatest treasure we possess.

- Sulin. - Sulin.

The only one who can rally the people to defeat the Barbarians

and save our kingdom.

But I'm not going to be able to help him.

- He thinks I'm worthless. - Oh, yes, he might, but I don't.

- Based on what? - You are here.

You didn't have to be. You could have stayed home.

That says something about who you are.

[laughs sarcastically] That I'm crazy.

Hmm. And now if you will excuse me, I have a lot of wood to collect.

See you, bye-bye-

[Zhao] Come on, let's go!

II'

You know the old saying about blaming the bearer of bad news?

Yes, Your Highness.

- Do you believe it's true? - I hope not, Your Highness.

Good news. [exhales]

I'm getting married!

Bad news.

Warrior Zhao is on his way.

- Kill him. - [yells]

[9 Fu nts]

Brutus! Not him!

Kill Zhao!

Oops.

- [Jack] So I assume you have a plan. - [Zhao] I do.

Save the princess. Prevent her marriage.

Wait, she's getting married?

Forced to. Unless we stop it.

Uh, who's the groom?

Arun The Cruel.

[scoffs] That's his name?

His full name is Arun The Cruel, The Horrible,

The Terrible, The Miserable, but we keep it short.

If the marriage takes place, when she becomes Empress,

he becomes Emperor.

And once he's Emperor, he will kill her, and the whole country is doomed.

- Are you finished with dinner? - I guess.

Now we sleep.

Hey, I know we're roughing it, but do we have any blankets and pillows?

Blankets, no.

Pillow...

Yes.

[sighs]

II'

[9 Fu nts]

[Zhao] Good night.

Okay, say we rescue the princess.

Does she have anyone else in mind to marry?

Not yet.

Any idea what kind of husband she's looking for?

Cause in the little time that we spent together, you know, I--

I felt that we had something, you know? A connection.

'Cause we like the same clothes, we like the same music.

- You don't-- you don't think that-- - No, I don't think, Jack Bronson.

She's looking for someone good, someone brave, a hero.

Yeah.

[Treasurer] Seized in the raid of the capital of Ching Hai province.

1,600 bricks of silver.

1,800 bricks of gold.

Six chests of diamonds

and 26 slaves.

- Only 26 slaves? - Yes, I know.

We're underperforming in that department.

Who's in charge of slaves?

My cousin.

Get rid of him.

[9 Fu nts]

Brutus! I meant the cousin, not him!

Oops...

Let's take a moment here, big fella.

Now, I know you want to please me.

But, next time, before you kill someone,

should we have a signal, maybe?

Like something like that? Like a signal?

Like that, a signal like that.

- Like that? - Kill him.

- Yes. Yes. - Yes. That signal.

That's the signal.

[Barbarian] Your Highness!

[Sulin yelling]

Finally, my beautiful bride has arrived.

Hello, my love!

How are you?

- Tired from your long trip? - [grunting]

In need of a hot bath?

A home-cooked meal maybe?

Soon, my love. Soon.

- [grunting] - You and me.

- [chuckling] ' [muffled yelling]

You and me.

[yelling indistinctly]

Call the tailor for a fitting.

II'

What are you doing?

It's gonna rain.

Mm.

[Jack] There's no clouds.

Not all rain comes from clouds.

Oh, my God!

Ah!

Oh, my God, it's raining!

The hell is going on?

[9 Fu nts]

- He wants me dead. - So they know we're here?

They know we're somewhere around here,

so they just keep shooting arrows everywhere and hope to get lucky.

We call it the morning shower.

Why didn't you wake me up? I could have been dead.

If I wanted you dead, I'd do it myself.

You have to learn to listen.

- [Jack] What does it say? - [Zhao] "Do not enter".

What's in there?

The Unknown Lands.

[sighs] And what's in the Unknown Lands?

Unknown things.

Okay, wait, but...

You are dropping me off at the Wizard's, right?

- Wrong. - Okay, look.

I really think it's about time we thought about getting me home.

So do I. Here.

- What's this? - A map.

It'll take you to the Wizard.

I can't... I can't read this!

I just want to go home and you're not helping.

I gave you a map-

Okay, so basically it's "get lost, Jack," huh?

"I brought you here against your will. I kidnapped you!

And now that you are not the person I thought you were,

it's 'Adios, amigo, you are not my problem."'

Wrong on number one. I did not kidnap you.

No one made you jump into that chest.

Right on number two. You are not my problem.

My problem is to get through the Unknown Lands.

Get past Arun's army, past his personal guard,

past the tower guards,

find the Princess,

get past the tower reinforcements,

past the personal guard reinforcements,

- kill Arun... - Hello.

and then bring the Princess back,

so she can be made Empress, and save the country.

That is my problem.

[exclaims]

[9 Fu nts]

[bOth grunt]

So you're saying I don't have a choice.

You do have a choice.

You can save yourself, or you can save her.

I can't save a princess!

You're the Black Knight!

- Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. - [Barbarian] Sire!

Sire!

Sire!

Good news!

Don't be nervous. It's been my lucky day so far.

I have a good feeling about this one.

I'm glad, Sire. I'm sure it's good news.

Bad news.

"There is no sign of the Warrior Zhao."

Sire, Sire...

[panting]

Brutus...

[whimpering]

The signal. Remember the signal?

- The signal? - Kill him!

[yelling]

You know, I was thinking.

This Arun dude, maybe if he gets what he wants, he'll change.

You know? Be like, Arun The Kind?

Do you have people in your world

who get what they want by threatening to do bad things?

There's this one kid.

And when you give him what he wants, does he change?

Not really.

"Might" does not make right, Jack. Right makes right.

If you don't stand up for what is right, then why stand up at all?

That's easy to say. This kid, he's bigger than me, he's stronger than me.

So what do you do?

I run.

Does that solve your problem?

No.

II'

_ [Jack] So you got a girl? - [Zhao] No.

- Because? - Because I have my job.

What, your job doesn't leave time for a personal life?

My job is my life.

That doesn't sound like much fun.

Fun?

Yeah, you know? Doing things that make you feel good.

- I feel good doing my job. - [animal calls]

You gotta loosen up, dude. Come on.

Ever seen this before?

No'? Okay, look.

It's called dancing, okay?

It's like, uh...

[beatboxing]

No?

Okay, try these on.

Mm-mm.

Just stay still, or I'll poke your eye out.

There you go.

- Magic! - It's cool.

Okay, I'm gonna lay down a beat and you just move your hips, okay?

[beatboxing]

I don't have time for fun.

Man, come on.

[birds calling]

Come on, we don't have all day.

Ooh.

[sniffs] Wow.

Excuse me, but we have to get through.

And I need to finish cooking my soup.

How long is that going to take?

Hmm. All night.

We don't... we don't have all night.

You do now.

Perhaps if we moved the pot...

Hey, hey, hey! Respect your elders, boy!

No disrespect, but we have a very important mission

and we have to get through.

Well, your very important mission will have to wait!

[echoing] To wait... to wait... to wait...

For my potatoes to soften.

I'm sorry.

- It can't. - No!

[both grunting]

[Mountain Spirit laughing]

[Mountain Spirit] Over here!

[9 Fu nts]

[Mountain Spirit laughs]

Here! [laughing]

[both grunting]

[9 Fu nts]

Whoa!

[yells]

Help me up!

Now! [straining]

Come on, Jack. Come on.

[both grunting]

I did not sign up for this!

[yells]

[both grunting]

[grunting continues]

- [knife clangs] - [grunts]

[chuckles and grunts]

[both grunting]

[straining]

- [yells] - [gasps and screams]

[screaming]

Not fire! [continues screaming]

I hate fire!

[screaming]

Maybe not so worthless after all.

- You're welcome. - [grunting]

[Jack panting]

[Sulin grunting]

[Arun] My bride.

I hope you like your new palace.

And in two days' time, you will take your place next to me.

Of course, your throne will be...

- much lower. - I would rather die.

Whatever makes you happy, my dear.

You want to see me happy, huh?

Just tell me what I need to do, and it will be done.

Well...

Come close.

[softly] And I will whisper it in your ear.

Tell me, my love,

my sweet songbird,

what do I need to do to make you happy?

Die.

' [grunts] - [men yelling]

As much as I'd like to make you happy,

me dying is not on the agenda.

However, if you insist on someone dying,

it can be arranged.

[9 Fu nts]

Take her away!

[Spits]

- [man shouting] - [Sulin grunting]

Your dinner.

- [laughs] - [rat squeaking]

[9 Fu nts]

Get out!

II'

[Jack] Invisible women,

powder that freezes people in place,

boxes that time-travel, and none of this is weird to you, is it?

It's not weird. It's just magic.

We don't have magic.

Then how do you explain what cannot be explained?

We have science. Science explains everything.

Does science explain a rainbow or a snowflake?

- Yes. - But does it explain how you feel

when you see the rainbow or the snowflake?

- No. - So you do have magic.

- Feelings aren't magic. - What are they then?

I don't know, they're feelings.

Okay? They make you do and say things you normally wouldn't do or say,

like, if you met this girl you never knew, and all of a sudden, there's--

You can't think of anything to say, but you can't stop talking.

And your body is, like, hot and cold at the same time,

and your hear': is beating like you just ran a mile in a minute,

- and it's... it's like... - Magic?

Yeah, I guess.

II'

[birds chirping]

[birds warbling]

[clears throat]

[warbling continues]

[clears throat]

- Zhao, I've got the wood! - [clears throat]

Sorry it took so long, I got lost.

Hey, since we seem to be getting in trouble all the time,

maybe it could be good if you showed me a few moves.

Just in case.

Martial arts take many years to learn.

No, I'm not asking for the whole menu. Just a little something.

Martial arts do not work with a little something.

Well, then, a lot of something. Anything.

Even if I can do one thing to help out the next time we're in a situation.

Just give me something so I have a fighting chance.

Please.

[sighs] Come on.

Come on.

Get up.

Stand feet apart.

Uh, this is cool.

Bend your knees.

Sorry. Okay.

Now imagine there is a big tree in front of you.

You see it?

- Yeah. - Is it big?

Yeah.

Okay, now... hug it.

Do what?

I mean, hug the tree.

Good.

- That's it? - That's it.

Well, how long do I have to stay like this?

[sighs]

Mrn!

[sighs]

You know, if you're not going to teach me, you should just say so.

- I am teaching you. - Yeah, right. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Hey. Hey, wait, what are you doing?

Come on.

Now pay attention.

The secret of all martial arts is the circle.

When you move, the circle moves with you.

Here. Let me show you.

Hit me.

Hit me again.

[exclaims]

Again.

[9 Fu nts]

To understand the circle, you must make the circle.

Live the circle, until the circle is you, and you are the circle.

Understand?

[soft gr08n]

[sighs]

We move the moment she says "I do."

The first army, directly for the capital.

The second army, to the ocean.

And the third army?

- We have a third army? - Yes.

Just let them rob and pillage.

[tailor] Excuse me, Sire.

For the wedding canopy, red or blue?

Red or blue, my love?

[laughing]

Oops.

[Zhao] And this is called not good.

Why? It's beautiful.

Yes, it is, but the fortress is over there,

and it could take days to walk all the way around the lake.

Well, we could just swim across in no time.

[sighs]

No, Jack, it's not possible.

- Why? Are there man-eating fish in there? - No.

- Poisonous snakes? - No.

- Dragons? - Not this time of year.

So what's in there that's a problem?

I cannot swim.

You're kidding me?

[cackles]

You-- you-- you, who can kick the butts of the entire NFL at the same time,

and you can't swim? What's wrong with this picture?

- [laughs] - They never taught... [sighs]

- Oh, come on, where are you going? - There's no time to waste.

- You're gonna walk? - We don't have a choice.

Okay, you gotta get over this "you don't have a choice" thing, all right?

You do have a choice. You're strong and you're coordinated.

Maybe we can work something out. Okay?

I teach you to swim, you teach me more...

- Deal? - [sighs]

Come on.

- Oh! - You can do it.

You can do it, man, come on. Trust me.

[sighs]

- Hey, that's it. - [shivering]

There you go.

Now, put the shield down...

And hop on!

[gasps]

- Hey! - [shivering]

There you go.

- [Jack] You're having fun? - [Zhao] Yeah.

I bet you didn't get too much of that growing up the way you did.

Fun? No.

Well, when this is all over, you can make up for that.

Maybe you can come visit me. I'll show you around,

maybe get my Morn to take us to Disneyland or something.

I told you, I can never take off from my job.

Hey, man, look, you really got to get a life.

When you are responsible for a life, you don't have a life.

Okay. Did you...

did you, like, go to school to learn how to say things like that?

Like what?

[sighs]

[imitates Zhao] "When you are responsible for a life,

you don't have a life."

What's wrong with it?

Nothing's wrong with it, it just... sounds smart.

It does?

Yeah. It does.

[chuckling]

II'

[Zhao] So what's in Disneyland?

- [Jack] A lot of princesses. - Oh!

- A Chinese one too. - Ooh!

[soldiers yelling in Mandarin]

[Zhao, whispering] Get down, get down, get down!

- So you do have a plan, right? - I told you the plan.

- Ah, right. Get past the army. - Yes.

- Get past the personal guards. - Correct.

Get past the tower guards, find the princess,

- get past reinforcements. - Good.

- Kill Arun. - Exactly.

Crown Sulin Empress and save the country?

You're learning to listen.

Yeah, the real question is, do you have a plan to execute the plan?

- Hmm? - [Jack stammers]

[soldiers yelling in Mandarin]

[soldiers hush]

- Good morning! -Mm?

Uh...

[Jack] Great plan.

- Are we in the fortress? - Yeah.

- Are we past the army? - Yeah.

Have we passed the personal guards?

Almost.

Well, then I think that the plan is working.

I think the plan to get in is working. How about a plan to get out?

I'm working on it.

Warrior Zhao,

I'm so honored that you've come all this way to attend my wedding.

I'm not here to attend your wedding. I'm here to attend your funeral.

[chuckling]

- And you are? - He's the Black Knight.

[stammering] I'm not the Black Knight, okay?

I'm Jack Bronson.

Jack Bronson...

I've got good news.

And I've got bad news.

The good news is,

tomorrow, when my bride and I are married,

we will stand, there.

And you two, will stand...

there.

Okay. What's the bad news?

As soon as we take our vows,

and our new life begins...

[trap door opening]

Your life ends.

II'

- He's not bluffing, is he? - Arun doesn't do bluffs.

Maybe he'll be feeling generous on his wedding day and he'll pardon us.

Nun doesn't do generous.

Okay. If he doesn't do this and he doesn't do that,

is there anything that he does do?

- He murders and pillages. - So in other words, we're dead.

When one door closes, another one opens.

[door opens]

See?

Dinner is served.

It's time to eat.

Uh... excuse me.

Uh, would you mind...

you know, so we can...

Thank you.

[Brutus] Here.

[laughs]

[both grunting]

[grunting continues]

[choking]

Dudes, I'm looking for the princess.

Know where she is?

[men yelling]

[men grunting]

[Jack whispering] What now?

Now's the time to use what I've taught you.

- I'm not ready. - Of course you are.

You're the Black Knight. You have skills.

Okay. I don't-- I don't get it.

'Cause one minute you're telling me I'm worthless

and after a few lessons, I'm not?

It's not just me who thinks you are not worthless, Jack.

The way the princess looks at you?

She believes in you.

- She does? - Now go rescue her. Go!

' What's - Huh?

[growls]

- [growung] - [yelling]

[both grunting]

[man yelling in Mandarin]

[men grunting]

[panting]

II'

[9 Fu nts]

[groans]

- [groaning] - Jack. Jack.

Are you okay? I'm sorry.

[continues groaning]

You came to save me!

I guess. [chuckles]

I knew you would.

You did?

From the very first.

[footsteps approaching]

[speaking Mandarin]

Great plan, we did it. Um... how do we get out of here?

I'm working on it.

You better work fast. They're coming.

[yelling]

[door thuds]

How many?

I don't know. 25?

I need to know exactly how many.

[soldiers yelling indistinctly]

One, two, three,

four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine, ten...

13,14,15...

27, 28, 29, 30!

Thirty? Thirty!

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

- Thirty-one! - 31! 31!

[9 Fu nts]

- [soldiers continue yelling] - [gasping]

[shouting orders in Mandarin]

26, 27, 28, 29, 30...

[wood creaking]

[soldiers gasp]

[wood creaking]

[soldiers screaming]

[grunting]

[groaning]

That worked.

[soldiers chattering in the distance]

Why do you still have this on'?

I like it.

[indistinct chatter]

[whispers] Come on, get on.

- Go! Are you on? - [straining]

- Are you on? Get on, then! - [straining] No, I'm not.

[soldiers continue chattering]

- Let's go! - Come on!

[Zhao] Almost there!

'New.!

[clicking]

- [horses neighing] - [exclaims]

[horses neighing]

' [grunts] ' [grunts]

- Come on. - [straining]

[thunder rumbling]

Amazing animals.

[horse whinnying]

Raised each and every one of them from birth.

Fed by my hand only.

Nursed them when they were sick.

They are more loyal than all my men.

They would die for me.

As will the two of you.

[thunder rumbling]

And you, my dear,

by this time tomorrow, you and I will be husband and wife.

Emperor,

and Empress.

Allow me, my love.

[thunder crashing]

Take them away.

- What are they doing? - Ancient custom.

Last look. Last meal.

So you know what you're missing.

[groans] Okay.

[keys jingle]

[handcuffs unlock]

[wood creaking]

[slurpS]

- How can you eat? - I'm hungry.

They're gonna kill us!

You should try it, it's actually pretty good.

I don't care if it's the best food in the world, man!

I'm still a kid!

[scoffs] I got my whole life ahead of me.

Now there's a million things that I'm never gonna be able to do!

Like what?

Dude, I've never even kissed a girl!

Me neither.

You know, I was that close before you came in the room.

Yeah... but that's not the point.

- With the princess? How close? - That's not the point.

[wings fluttering]

[inaudible]

[blows]

- What was that? - A butterfly.

- You spoke to a butterfly? - Apparently.

And it understood you?

Hopefully.

[Sulin sobbing]

II'

[indistinct whooshing]

[thud]

[gasps]

[soldiers chanting]

[Shaman] We are gathered here today

to witness the marriage of Arun The Cruel,

The Mean, The Horrible,

The Terrible... The Strong!

Can we move it along?

Uh... [clears throat]

[Jack] Hey. I, uh... I wanted to say thank you.

For what?

For trying to turn me into a warrior.

You were a warrior from the beginning, Jack, on the inside.

It just had to be brought out.

Yeah, a lot of good it did.

It's not over yet.

What do you mean, it's not over yet?

In a minute, she's gonna be married, and we're gonna be hanged.

Jack, worrying is not gonna change anything. Just live in the moment.

No offense, but I think we've run out of moments.

Do you, Arun, take Sulin,

in sickness and in health,

- for better and worse-- - I do. She does.

"I now pronounce you man and wife."

Uh... uh... [clears throat]

To make it official, you must now kiss the bride.

[soldiers yelling indistinctly]

[soldiers chanting]

- [screams] - [yells]

[soldiers murmuring]

[soldiers chattering]

[soldiers yelling]

Hello!

Wizard! Wait, how did you get here?

- Shh! See? - [chittering]

It's simple! Now just go save her!

Great, um, how?

Jump!

" Jump? ' [scoffs]

Come on, man.

- [Sulin] Jack! Jack! - Use a little jump powder.

Come on.

- Here you go. - [electricity crackles]

- Now jump! - Jump how?

- Now! - What do you mean, now?

These powders are Wizard-specific!

You can do it, Jack!

" Jump! " Okay!

- [grunting] - [electricity crackles]

[Jack yelling]

[grunting]

[yelling]

[grunting]

[screaming]

[groans]

[soldiers gasp]

[soldiers yelling]

Come on!

[yelling]

[grunting]

That Way!

[Jack grunts]

[Jack yells]

[all grunting]

Sulin!

[9 Fu nts]

Whoa! Would you stop that, please? It's a total buzzkill!

[spits and blows raspberry]

Okay, come on! Let's go! Now!

[men grunting]

Get back!

Get back!

[soldiers yelling]

[all grunting]

[epic music playing throughout]

[electricity crackles]

[soldiers gasp]

[grunting and yelling]

[men grunting]

[screams]

[men grunting]

[yells]

[soldiers yelling]

[9 Fu nts]

Jack, here.

[stammering] Hey, wait, wait, wait,

- I don't know how to read these. - Just throw!

Oh. Nice.

[soldiers yelling in distance]

- [yelling] ' [grunts]

Huh? Huh?

[groaning]

[growling]

[roaring]

[men yelling]

[9 Fu nts]

[monster grunts]

[Sulin grunting]

Go save the princess!

[soldiers yelling]

[men grunting]

[growling]

Come on, let's go!

[monster growling]

[roaring]

[screaming]

[soldiers yelling]

Come on!

[growling]

[9 Fu nts]

- [straining] - Oh, Jack!

Zhao!

[Sulin screaming]

[growls] Huh?

It's time to go.

[soldiers grumbling]

[gasps]

[coughs]

[groans]

[panting]

[wood creaking]

Sulin?

Sulin!

Sulin! Sulin!

[Softly] Jack.

- Jack... - Are you okay?

Hold on. Hold on.

[soldiers yelling]

[yelling and grunting]

Almost there.

But not quite.

- [both grunting] - [swords clanging]

[exclaims]

[groans]

[yelling]

[both continue grunting]

[epic music playing throughout]

Why are you doing this?

You're not a warrior. Not even a grown man.

Run along. And I'll let you live.

You run along and I'll let you live.

Let me think about it.

No.

I think I'll stay, I think I'll take one leg.

Take your other leg.

[9 Fu nts]

Then I'll take your arms.

[bOth grunt]

No. I'll just kill you.

[bOth grunt]

' [grunts] - [yells]

[grunting]

[9 Fu nts]

[yells]

[gasps]

Jack!

Jack! You're the shit.

Thanks.

[sighs] [chuckles]

II'

[man speaking Mandarin]

II'

[door squeaks open]

Hey, Zhao!

The Empress requests your presence.

[stammering] Okay, I'm just waiting on the Wizard.

Jack, if the Empress summons you, you must come at once.

He said he'd be right back.

It is the rule.

Or what, huh? I get my head chopped off?

You guys and your rules, man.

It's also against the rules to smile?

- Hi. - Hey.

Wow.

What, sure I'm not gonna get my head chopped off?

There's no one here to see.

- Okay. - [soft chuckle]

I wanted to see you before you went back.

Actually, I wish I could go with you, even for one day.

You are the Empress now, you can do whatever you want.

Because I'm the Empress, I can't.

Every minute of every day from now on

will be filled with ministers and ambassadors,

and papers to sign and decisions to make.

No dancing, no singing.

- No fun. - [sighs]

I would love to go to the mall, to eat ice cream.

- [chuckles] - But I...

I can't.

My father worked so hard to bring peace to the whole country.

I can't let him down.

He gave his life for our people. I owe it to him.

I understand.

But I did want to thank you for giving me memories that I will always treasure.

I want to give you one I hope you will too.

II'

[whispers] I don't think you're worthless.

I never did.

Goodbye, Jack.

[guard] He touched the Empress!

He must die!

[soldiers yelling]

[soldiers continue yelling]

Wizard?

Wizard!

[Wizard] I'm here!

- I gotta go! - Got it!

No, I gotta go now! I gotta go!

I know. I put it somewhere.

_ I gotta ' Yes!

You see? [chuckles]

Okay!

It's not ready, man? Come on! Hurry!

- Relax. - Jack!

So, after all we've been through, you're gonna kill me? Really?

Rules are rules.

If we did not live by them, we'd be nothing more than barbarians.

II'

Unless we can make an exception.

[exhales sharply]

Sometimes it's good to be a little flexible, right?

I hate you. [chuckles]

Here.

Thank you.

Goodbye, Jack Bronson.

I will never forget you and the lesson you taught me.

[blows]

It's done.

The last missing piece of wood.

[soldiers yelling]

I might have learned to be flexible, but they haven't.

- Hurry up, let's go. ' [JaCk] Yes!

- Come on, man. Get it in! - [Zhao] Let's go!

- [soldiers yelling] - [Zhao] Hurry up!

- Come on! - [grunts]

[yelling]

[9 Fu nts]

[groans]

[gasps] Jack!

Hi, Mom.

What... what happened here?

- [door closes] - It's complicated.

Mm. I'm sure it is.

- [bell ringing] - [kids chattering]

Hello, dickweed.

Come on, Travis, I'm gonna be late for class.

You're gonna be late...

permanently.

[sirens wailing in distance]

It doesn't have to be this way.

You're right. It doesn't.

You could... run.

Yeah, nice. You tell him, man.

Coward.

0K3)'-

I gave you the option.

[laughs]

You gave me the option? [laughs]

[laughing]

What are you doing?

[laughs] What are you doing? You wanna dance?

Let's get this over with.

- Oh, man. - Dickweed.

A-hole!

[music playing throughout]

- [grunts] - [kid] You all right, man?

- You done? - You're dead!

[grunts and groans]

Don't touch me!

You had enough?

[grunting]

- [metal rod clangs] - [grunts]

[groaning]

- You all right? - You all right, man?

Hey, come on, man. Come on.

- Come on, get up! Get up! - Don't touch me!

[girls laughing]

[birds chirping]

II'

[electronic beeping]

[Sulin grunts]

[men grunting]

[sighs]

- [keys jingle] - What you doin'?

Sweetie, we have to move.

I couldn't make the payment. We're losing the house.

No, we're not.

- Um, it's a check! - Yeah.

- For $25,000. - Yeah.

- It's made out to you? - Yeah.

[chuckles] I don't understand.

Well, I, um... I came up with the idea for a game.

- [chuckles] - And I sold it.

- Wait, you're kidding. - No.

[both laugh]

Ah, I'm sorry, I have to sit down.

A video game? What's it called?

Uh, The Warrior's Gate.

- [chuckles] The Wa-- - Oh, come on!

II'

- [mouse clicking] - [fighters grunting]

[sighs]

[sirens wailing]

- I'll have a chocolate cone, please. - Uh, I'll have chocolate too.

And vanilla, and cherry, and strawberry.

Hi.

- What are you-- - Doing here?

- Uh... - I've made a new rule.

Everyone takes vacation. Even the Empress.

- Very modern, huh? - [chuckles]

Wait, how did you--

- Get here? - Yeah.

I had the Wizard make another box.

Oh! This is...

this is so awesome!

[chuckles]

[Diplo & Sleepy Tom's "Be Right There" playing]

[song continues playing]