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1
00:00:09,140 --> 00:00:10,907
You know, folks, in Hamburg,
2
00:00:10,932 --> 00:00:14,264
I once saw a half-dozen Germans
berate a bus driver
3
00:00:14,289 --> 00:00:16,650
because he was five minutes late.
4
00:00:16,785 --> 00:00:19,236
I mean, even today, you don't
have to squint too hard
5
00:00:19,261 --> 00:00:22,018
to see how Hitler got
those people to march.
6
00:00:22,164 --> 00:00:25,832
Having no chill, that's
a base tenet of fascism.
7
00:00:26,186 --> 00:00:28,093
Ooh, Charles, you know,
that sounded a little bit
8
00:00:28,118 --> 00:00:29,764
too Bill Maher as I said it.
9
00:00:29,789 --> 00:00:32,312
Can we cut that out. Charles?
10
00:00:32,393 --> 00:00:35,007
Charles! Are you listening to me?
11
00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:37,630
Try... Try to pay attention
to the podcast, Charles.
12
00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:38,964
I mean, it is only your job.
13
00:00:39,015 --> 00:00:40,547
Jim!
14
00:00:40,830 --> 00:00:42,323
Jim! We can't be late.
15
00:00:42,358 --> 00:00:44,102
They're serious about this Raj thing.
16
00:00:44,439 --> 00:00:46,439
Jim?
17
00:00:48,456 --> 00:00:50,289
Ai! Ai! Hijo de puta!
18
00:00:52,627 --> 00:00:54,550
Oh, man.
19
00:00:54,742 --> 00:00:58,116
We hit the bar hard
when Uribe got in last night.
20
00:00:58,300 --> 00:01:00,249
You got in three days ago.
21
00:01:00,408 --> 00:01:02,503
Well, time flies when you're on speed.
22
00:01:04,593 --> 00:01:07,127
I am celebrating my retirement.
23
00:01:07,262 --> 00:01:10,168
Miss Jules, she cut me.
24
00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:12,372
Said I'm too slow at everything.
25
00:01:12,448 --> 00:01:13,829
I'm sorry, man.
26
00:01:14,423 --> 00:01:17,003
So, you got any speed?
27
00:01:17,124 --> 00:01:19,124
No. Hey, where's Jim?
28
00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:22,348
Brockmire, man, he party
hard nowadays, man.
29
00:01:22,776 --> 00:01:24,643
He eventually left me behind.
30
00:01:24,753 --> 00:01:26,283
Why are you wearing his jacket?
31
00:01:29,911 --> 00:01:33,247
We switched clothes, man,
when the mushroom kicked in.
32
00:01:33,313 --> 00:01:35,558
Uribe thought it was
a good idea at the time.
33
00:01:35,710 --> 00:01:38,424
Hey, do you want Uribe
to help you find Brockmire?
34
00:01:38,504 --> 00:01:40,206
No, that's fine. I got this.
35
00:01:40,317 --> 00:01:41,608
Ai, that's better. Ai.
36
00:01:41,723 --> 00:01:43,216
Yeah, I do this all the time.
37
00:01:43,285 --> 00:01:44,818
Come on, Jim. Where are you?
38
00:01:50,294 --> 00:01:52,226
Ooh.
39
00:01:58,547 --> 00:02:02,386
Wassup, world? It's your girl, Cassie.
40
00:02:02,686 --> 00:02:04,965
Look who I pulled from the bar.
41
00:02:09,190 --> 00:02:11,483
Old dude from the Internet.
42
00:02:11,701 --> 00:02:14,735
Hey. I'll wait for you here, man.
43
00:02:19,753 --> 00:02:21,019
Ugh.
44
00:02:21,112 --> 00:02:22,172
Where's Jim?
45
00:02:22,211 --> 00:02:23,539
I don't know where he is.
46
00:02:23,652 --> 00:02:25,365
I kicked him out an hour ago.
47
00:02:25,447 --> 00:02:28,314
Tried to eat my ass almost
as soon as we got in bed.
48
00:02:28,408 --> 00:02:31,466
Ha! That's a reward
for a job well-done.
49
00:02:31,613 --> 00:02:33,572
You don't start a big meal
with dessert.
50
00:02:33,662 --> 00:02:35,452
Where did he say he was going?
51
00:02:35,597 --> 00:02:36,966
Said he was going to some bar
52
00:02:36,991 --> 00:02:39,735
that cuts out the middleman
of fun and conversation.
53
00:02:43,037 --> 00:02:46,204
Pbht! What the hell took you so long?
54
00:02:47,103 --> 00:02:48,547
Your breath smells like ass.
55
00:02:48,615 --> 00:02:50,349
Oh, I wish.
56
00:02:57,091 --> 00:02:59,449
Crawdaddys go on a long
road trip tomorrow...
57
00:02:59,474 --> 00:03:00,549
- two weeks.
- Yeah, no, I don't care
58
00:03:00,573 --> 00:03:01,583
who messed them up.
59
00:03:01,608 --> 00:03:02,608
I'm not paying for them.
60
00:03:02,633 --> 00:03:05,068
They're supposed to say
"Brockmire," not Brock-m-i-e-r.
61
00:03:05,093 --> 00:03:07,601
He's not French.
I expect a full refund.
62
00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:10,274
Crawdaddys threatening
here in the second.
63
00:03:13,501 --> 00:03:16,053
Mm-hmm. Oh, no, I have
the receipt on me right here.
64
00:03:16,146 --> 00:03:17,160
Hold on.
65
00:03:17,185 --> 00:03:18,913
And that is the first
run of the ball game,
66
00:03:18,938 --> 00:03:21,213
and you know what that means,
Crawdaddy fans.
67
00:03:21,243 --> 00:03:23,444
It's time for the Crawdaddy Ditty.
68
00:03:25,686 --> 00:03:27,132
Press the button.
69
00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:30,744
There it is, the Crawdaddy Ditty.
70
00:03:30,906 --> 00:03:33,480
You know what? Hold on.
I have a call on the other line.
71
00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:36,073
Hey. How was the flight, Mom?
72
00:03:37,860 --> 00:03:40,147
Yeah, well, I have some good news.
73
00:03:40,329 --> 00:03:44,232
I got us a reservation at
a Michelin star restaurant.
74
00:03:45,854 --> 00:03:47,320
Yeah, no, not like the tire people.
75
00:03:47,362 --> 00:03:50,475
It's just a way of saying
it's a fancy restaurant.
76
00:03:51,874 --> 00:03:53,390
Yeah, no, Dad's gonna meet us there.
77
00:03:53,749 --> 00:03:56,622
Hey, hey, hey, excuse me. Hi.
78
00:03:56,647 --> 00:03:59,047
Could you please bubble-wrap
these before you send them?
79
00:03:59,133 --> 00:04:01,867
We've gotten a few complaints.
Thank you.
80
00:04:02,049 --> 00:04:05,451
Yeah... No, uh, I-I agree with you.
81
00:04:05,554 --> 00:04:07,465
There's nothing fancy about tires.
82
00:04:08,344 --> 00:04:09,584
There isn't gonna be any tires there!
83
00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:11,205
I'm... I love you, Mom.
84
00:04:11,305 --> 00:04:13,079
I'll see you later. Goodbye.
85
00:04:13,201 --> 00:04:15,768
You said you needed
a little bit of office space.
86
00:04:15,904 --> 00:04:18,207
You're running a goddamn
mail-order sweatshop!
87
00:04:18,313 --> 00:04:20,112
And these guys keep stealing hot dogs.
88
00:04:20,168 --> 00:04:21,301
You know what?
89
00:04:21,369 --> 00:04:24,272
I'll give you $75 extra
a week for the rent,
90
00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:26,573
and everybody in here
gets free hot dogs.
91
00:04:27,522 --> 00:04:29,608
That's a lot of cash.
92
00:04:29,730 --> 00:04:32,532
Well, credit cards don't make
problems go away this fast.
93
00:04:35,282 --> 00:04:37,538
Hey, wait, was that
the second out or the third?
94
00:04:37,851 --> 00:04:39,028
Shit.
95
00:04:39,053 --> 00:04:41,464
Top of the third
is brought to you by...
96
00:04:41,489 --> 00:04:42,604
Shit!
97
00:04:42,736 --> 00:04:45,660
...by... by...
98
00:04:46,255 --> 00:04:47,854
Delphina's Po' Boys.
99
00:04:47,982 --> 00:04:49,915
Serving New Orleans for over 80 years.
100
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:54,220
Every bite will make you scream,
"Oh, boy, what a po' boy!"
101
00:04:54,436 --> 00:04:56,368
Seems strange that lasted 80 years
102
00:04:56,404 --> 00:04:58,672
with a slogan that rhymes
"boy" with "boy," doesn't it?
103
00:04:58,697 --> 00:05:00,870
But, uh, that just means
their sandwiches
104
00:05:00,895 --> 00:05:02,427
are mighty tasty, folks.
105
00:05:02,464 --> 00:05:04,433
You're way off your game today.
106
00:05:05,813 --> 00:05:08,681
Johnson steps in. He's batting .255.
107
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:11,840
All right, so this driver
108
00:05:11,865 --> 00:05:13,739
will take you and Uribe
wherever you want to go.
109
00:05:13,791 --> 00:05:15,246
Eh, I'm not seeing Pedro tonight.
110
00:05:15,297 --> 00:05:17,792
He's got a date with
this professor from Tulane.
111
00:05:17,911 --> 00:05:19,978
Boy, that guy loves academics.
112
00:05:20,077 --> 00:05:22,444
Keeps dragging me around
to all these college bars
113
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,402
so we can find a big-ass woman
with a big-ass mind
114
00:05:25,442 --> 00:05:27,227
to sit on his big-ass face.
115
00:05:27,324 --> 00:05:28,726
Well, you won't be alone,
116
00:05:28,839 --> 00:05:30,884
because the driver will be
with you for 24 straight hours,
117
00:05:30,952 --> 00:05:33,153
because as you know,
tonight's my night off.
118
00:05:33,389 --> 00:05:35,755
Whoa, first I'm hearing of this.
119
00:05:35,842 --> 00:05:37,182
I've been telling you for a month.
120
00:05:37,224 --> 00:05:39,158
You can't tell me.
You have to write it down.
121
00:05:39,247 --> 00:05:42,248
I'm... I'm a visual listener, Charles.
122
00:05:44,237 --> 00:05:46,452
Well, you can't put it there.
123
00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:48,871
You have to put it on my
drinking hand or I don't see it.
124
00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:49,991
Come on. Just... Please.
125
00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:52,183
Hang out with me tonight,
and I'll pay you double.
126
00:05:52,507 --> 00:05:54,390
I'm head of your corporation.
127
00:05:54,636 --> 00:05:55,901
So?
128
00:05:55,977 --> 00:05:57,294
That means I pay you.
129
00:05:57,379 --> 00:05:59,439
Yeah, only 'cause you don't
trust me with the finances,
130
00:05:59,473 --> 00:06:01,205
Charles, which is beyond insulting.
131
00:06:01,315 --> 00:06:03,819
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just give me this much.
132
00:06:04,553 --> 00:06:06,509
Come on. Karen Hill big.
133
00:06:06,794 --> 00:06:08,694
I don't know what that means.
134
00:06:08,857 --> 00:06:11,718
Inexcusable that you haven't
seen, uh, "Goodfellas" yet.
135
00:06:11,765 --> 00:06:12,978
Come on. Slip it in there.
136
00:06:13,003 --> 00:06:15,197
No foreplay needed.
Ooh, that feels nice.
137
00:06:41,223 --> 00:06:42,556
The birthday boy is here.
138
00:06:42,581 --> 00:06:44,777
Give me them 604s!
139
00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:46,670
Podcast, I've been meaning to ask you.
140
00:06:46,745 --> 00:06:49,556
- What's your podcast about?
- It's the drunk ramblings
141
00:06:49,603 --> 00:06:51,376
of an old white dude
who drinks too much.
142
00:06:51,483 --> 00:06:53,508
- And that shit makes money?
- Yeah.
143
00:06:53,636 --> 00:06:55,661
I should do a podcast about, like,
144
00:06:55,740 --> 00:06:57,963
shoes and clothes and shit.
145
00:06:58,081 --> 00:06:59,440
You could.
146
00:06:59,508 --> 00:07:01,814
You could call it "Dipped and Laced."
147
00:07:03,221 --> 00:07:06,093
Can you talk into a microphone
for like an hour straight?
148
00:07:06,581 --> 00:07:08,533
All I do is talk shit.
149
00:07:08,919 --> 00:07:10,784
This is actually
a really good idea, Dave.
150
00:07:10,823 --> 00:07:12,949
I have some time right now
if you want...
151
00:07:13,022 --> 00:07:14,109
Let's do it.
152
00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:16,736
Hold on.
153
00:07:16,859 --> 00:07:18,609
All right, I got to...
I got to take this.
154
00:07:18,683 --> 00:07:20,109
Yeah, sure.
155
00:07:20,622 --> 00:07:21,867
Ugh.
156
00:07:21,933 --> 00:07:23,306
Jim: Hello? Charles?
157
00:07:23,331 --> 00:07:24,861
I thought I took my uppers,
158
00:07:24,910 --> 00:07:27,177
but I must have taken my downers.
159
00:07:27,202 --> 00:07:31,072
I'm in a bathtub, and I can't
really lift my head.
160
00:07:32,207 --> 00:07:33,606
Surprise!
161
00:07:35,230 --> 00:07:38,946
You thought I forgot
your birthday, didn't you?
162
00:07:39,166 --> 00:07:41,834
Wrote it down on my coke dollar
so I wouldn't forget.
163
00:07:41,859 --> 00:07:44,044
August 15, Charles' birthday.
164
00:07:44,118 --> 00:07:46,085
Toot toot!
165
00:07:46,188 --> 00:07:47,732
I thought you were dying.
166
00:07:47,832 --> 00:07:50,411
Come on, Charles.
I was just messing with you.
167
00:07:50,572 --> 00:07:52,038
I got a big night planned.
168
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,774
I got two bottles
of 18-year-old scotch.
169
00:07:54,830 --> 00:07:55,962
Those are for me.
170
00:07:56,051 --> 00:07:58,264
I got you a lovely birthday cake,
171
00:07:58,324 --> 00:07:59,899
which I've already eaten my half of.
172
00:07:59,984 --> 00:08:03,003
And quite frankly,
it isn't sitting very well.
173
00:08:03,105 --> 00:08:05,838
And, ooh, I got you a big,
old bag of cocaine,
174
00:08:05,964 --> 00:08:07,974
which is how I remembered your
birthday in the first place
175
00:08:08,026 --> 00:08:11,078
and, uh, yeah, that...
Well, that's also for me.
176
00:08:13,648 --> 00:08:17,210
So the only thing you've
gotten me for my birthday
177
00:08:17,410 --> 00:08:18,985
is a half-eaten birthday cake.
178
00:08:19,319 --> 00:08:20,542
No.
179
00:08:20,782 --> 00:08:25,183
I also got you Chastity,
who is a lovely sex worker,
180
00:08:25,208 --> 00:08:27,737
and she's here to pop your cherry!
181
00:08:27,762 --> 00:08:30,007
- There she is!
- Damn, man!
182
00:08:30,032 --> 00:08:31,910
You ruined that bathroom.
183
00:08:31,993 --> 00:08:34,927
I think I already admitted that
the cake was not sitting well.
184
00:08:35,003 --> 00:08:37,336
- Touché.
- Charles, Chastity.
185
00:08:37,401 --> 00:08:39,259
Now, I want you to know... Hey...
186
00:08:39,341 --> 00:08:41,673
I went to great lengths to make sure
187
00:08:41,698 --> 00:08:44,544
that this was
the perfect woman for you.
188
00:08:44,646 --> 00:08:46,697
So you already had sex with her.
189
00:08:46,997 --> 00:08:48,882
You know, Charles, come on,
that'd be weird.
190
00:08:48,991 --> 00:08:50,260
It's your birthday.
191
00:08:50,431 --> 00:08:52,266
You're gonna have sex with her first,
192
00:08:52,387 --> 00:08:54,261
and then I'm going
to have sex with her.
193
00:08:54,356 --> 00:08:56,867
And then you go and then I go
and then you go and then I go.
194
00:08:56,892 --> 00:08:59,266
But nobody comes
except for Chastity, of course,
195
00:08:59,306 --> 00:09:01,495
because, you know, we're...
We're both gentlemen.
196
00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:03,019
Can't wait.
197
00:09:03,071 --> 00:09:05,737
Is this really how you imagined
me losing my virginity?
198
00:09:05,864 --> 00:09:08,501
Yes. It's weird how close this is.
199
00:09:08,568 --> 00:09:10,101
We're both sitting on this couch
200
00:09:10,154 --> 00:09:12,172
and I had this exact level of erection.
201
00:09:12,232 --> 00:09:16,343
I mean, I'm... I'm giving myself
déjà vu with this thing.
202
00:09:16,424 --> 00:09:18,337
I'm not doing this.
203
00:09:18,981 --> 00:09:21,981
Well, I think you're hurting
Chastity's feelings, Charles.
204
00:09:22,102 --> 00:09:25,422
Oh, no, no, I've been
in this game a long time.
205
00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:28,540
I got thick skin. And loose skin.
206
00:09:28,670 --> 00:09:30,602
He's hurting my feelings, all right?
207
00:09:30,658 --> 00:09:32,058
Charles, come on.
208
00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:33,685
What's more important
than spending time
209
00:09:33,728 --> 00:09:35,928
with your best friend
on your... on your birthday?
210
00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:38,157
Hanging out with my family.
211
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:40,000
I'm having dinner with them.
212
00:09:40,067 --> 00:09:43,535
You're having dinner with your
family and didn't invite me?
213
00:09:43,738 --> 00:09:45,338
How can you do that?
214
00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:47,541
Because they hate you.
215
00:09:47,695 --> 00:09:50,321
My mom still calls us
moving out of Morristown
216
00:09:50,412 --> 00:09:51,878
"the kidnapping."
217
00:09:51,956 --> 00:09:54,347
And my dad thinks
you're my sugar daddy.
218
00:09:54,462 --> 00:09:56,483
It took them a whole year
to even talk to me again.
219
00:09:56,643 --> 00:09:58,950
I'm not gonna let you ruin that by...
220
00:09:59,354 --> 00:10:00,951
being you.
221
00:10:01,422 --> 00:10:03,511
Now, what the hell is that su...
222
00:10:08,542 --> 00:10:10,242
God damn, man!
223
00:10:10,331 --> 00:10:12,598
How can it smell the same
coming out the other end?
224
00:10:12,674 --> 00:10:15,342
Oh, shit. Oh, God.
225
00:10:15,729 --> 00:10:17,935
All... All over your nice,
new sneakers.
226
00:10:17,991 --> 00:10:22,316
I'm so... God damn it!
I got to cut back on the sugar.
227
00:10:22,536 --> 00:10:24,697
It's my one true vice.
228
00:10:24,838 --> 00:10:26,250
Oh!
229
00:10:30,344 --> 00:10:31,677
All right, Charles,
230
00:10:31,733 --> 00:10:34,464
I will not go to your
precious family dinner.
231
00:10:35,263 --> 00:10:36,815
You weren't invited.
232
00:10:37,530 --> 00:10:39,933
You and I both know
that was not gonna stop me.
233
00:10:40,146 --> 00:10:43,019
But you have to do something for me,
234
00:10:43,237 --> 00:10:45,871
and that something is named Chastity.
235
00:10:47,986 --> 00:10:49,277
Oh.
236
00:10:49,537 --> 00:10:50,695
Is it go time?
237
00:10:51,303 --> 00:10:53,656
'Cause I just popped
a toaster strudel in,
238
00:10:53,743 --> 00:10:55,722
and I'm gonna need five.
239
00:10:56,348 --> 00:10:59,225
Also, someone's been
doubling up on your frosting
240
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:01,926
'cause y'all are low.
241
00:11:03,517 --> 00:11:05,033
What? It wasn't me.
242
00:11:05,306 --> 00:11:07,879
Yeah.
243
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:16,941
Hey, can I just get a few
things off my chest first?
244
00:11:17,630 --> 00:11:19,030
Sure, sweetie.
245
00:11:19,109 --> 00:11:20,948
I mean, half my job is listening.
246
00:11:21,095 --> 00:11:23,603
Um, I didn't have the best childhood.
247
00:11:23,676 --> 00:11:27,223
I barely ever saw my dad.
My mom is extremely needy.
248
00:11:27,248 --> 00:11:29,966
And my stepdad is just the worst.
249
00:11:30,481 --> 00:11:32,739
So when I saw the chance
to escape, I took it.
250
00:11:32,799 --> 00:11:35,714
I knew New Orleans would be
much better than whatever life
251
00:11:35,739 --> 00:11:37,639
I had back home, and I was right.
252
00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:39,196
It's really great.
253
00:11:39,302 --> 00:11:40,998
And I set this whole
birthday dinner thing
254
00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:42,519
to show my family how well I'm doing.
255
00:11:42,561 --> 00:11:44,661
And you're eating
another toaster strudel.
256
00:11:44,804 --> 00:11:47,424
What? You don't want to have sex.
257
00:11:47,473 --> 00:11:48,998
We don't have to. It's fine.
258
00:11:49,108 --> 00:11:51,475
Great! Nice!
259
00:11:51,621 --> 00:11:53,891
So you'll tell Jim we had sex?
260
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,653
Mm-hmm. For $300.
261
00:11:55,708 --> 00:11:56,906
What?
262
00:11:57,149 --> 00:11:59,750
He paid you $150.
263
00:11:59,854 --> 00:12:03,087
Why am I paying you double to lie?
264
00:12:03,173 --> 00:12:07,159
'Cause lying is a sin,
and I'm a godly woman.
265
00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:08,932
You're a prostitute.
266
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:11,215
There's prostitutes in the Bible.
267
00:12:11,843 --> 00:12:13,335
You know what?
268
00:12:14,688 --> 00:12:16,077
You're right. I can't argue with that.
269
00:12:16,102 --> 00:12:18,457
You're absolutely right.
270
00:12:18,583 --> 00:12:19,783
Here you go.
271
00:12:19,817 --> 00:12:21,443
Pleasure doing business with you.
272
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:22,545
Happy birthday!
273
00:12:25,771 --> 00:12:28,445
Hmm. Nice stuff. They got some...
274
00:12:28,514 --> 00:12:30,480
- Hey.
- Hey.
275
00:12:38,410 --> 00:12:40,043
Nice of you to show up, Junior.
276
00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:41,868
Yeah, well, it's, uh, 7:00 p.m.
277
00:12:41,994 --> 00:12:44,260
I said 7:00. I'm exactly on time.
278
00:12:44,395 --> 00:12:49,032
Charlotte and Charlyn,
what is "exactly on time"?
279
00:12:49,075 --> 00:12:50,407
Both: Late, sir.
280
00:12:50,458 --> 00:12:51,601
Thank you.
281
00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:53,837
Well, I apologize, Dad.
282
00:12:54,006 --> 00:12:55,720
I'm happy you could make it up
from Mississippi.
283
00:12:55,795 --> 00:12:58,728
Yeah, well, the girls
wanted to see New Orleans.
284
00:12:58,911 --> 00:13:03,169
So we went on a swamp boat tour,
and we saw a alligator farm,
285
00:13:03,194 --> 00:13:05,328
and then we saw some
other historical landmarks.
286
00:13:05,438 --> 00:13:07,104
You did all that since this morning?
287
00:13:07,153 --> 00:13:09,267
No, we've been here for four days.
288
00:13:09,555 --> 00:13:12,593
Oh... kay.
289
00:13:12,945 --> 00:13:16,034
My two favorite Charles'sss.
290
00:13:16,201 --> 00:13:17,567
Terry, where's Mom?
291
00:13:17,623 --> 00:13:19,457
Oh, she's outside
parking the rental car.
292
00:13:19,512 --> 00:13:22,445
I drove down, but she's better
at parallel parking than I am.
293
00:13:22,527 --> 00:13:24,327
People honk, I get flustered.
294
00:13:24,473 --> 00:13:27,171
Terry, why didn't you stay
to hold open the door for me?
295
00:13:27,286 --> 00:13:28,912
I nearly sprained my wrist.
296
00:13:28,967 --> 00:13:31,456
Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry, baby.
Let me get you some ice.
297
00:13:31,577 --> 00:13:34,668
No, I don't need any ice.
I will heal from the pain.
298
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:37,105
I always heal from the pain.
299
00:13:37,803 --> 00:13:42,917
Speaking of pain,
let me see my birthday boy.
300
00:13:43,028 --> 00:13:45,301
Hmm! Oh!
301
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:49,708
I see you survived your kidnapping.
302
00:13:49,795 --> 00:13:52,101
Hi, Mom. It's great to see you.
303
00:13:52,198 --> 00:13:54,565
- Mm-hmm.
- God damn.
304
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:59,937
- Ooh!
- Bobbi, you still got it, girl.
305
00:14:03,819 --> 00:14:05,039
If I wasn't married,
306
00:14:05,123 --> 00:14:07,657
I'd say we run that thing
back one more time tonight.
307
00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:10,291
Well, if you weren't
married, I'd let you.
308
00:14:16,234 --> 00:14:19,736
So, this is the restaurant
the tire people recommend.
309
00:14:19,872 --> 00:14:21,271
Don't worry about it.
310
00:14:21,314 --> 00:14:24,438
I know it's my birthday,
but it's my treat.
311
00:14:24,484 --> 00:14:25,575
It's my gift to you guys.
312
00:14:25,658 --> 00:14:28,726
So your older man friend gave
you some walking-around money?
313
00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:32,518
I, uh, I told you, Dad, I make
my own money from the podcast.
314
00:14:32,697 --> 00:14:35,298
I ain't never seen no podcast
that pay this much.
315
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:37,390
How many podcasts have you seen?
316
00:14:37,483 --> 00:14:38,709
Don't question me, boy.
317
00:14:38,738 --> 00:14:40,244
Hey, do they have that
pre-dinner bread?
318
00:14:40,269 --> 00:14:43,068
- I'm starvin' bajarvin'.
- Oh, my g... Okay, can we...
319
00:14:43,169 --> 00:14:46,937
Look, we haven't been in the
same room in a very long time.
320
00:14:47,031 --> 00:14:49,537
I just want all of us to enjoy
each other's company.
321
00:14:49,655 --> 00:14:51,956
Please? I miss you guys.
322
00:14:52,038 --> 00:14:54,905
Aww. I miss you, too, baby.
323
00:14:55,247 --> 00:14:57,939
Your sisters were excited to see you.
324
00:14:58,905 --> 00:15:00,272
And I was, too.
325
00:15:00,466 --> 00:15:02,232
Baby, look, I know
we can be hard on you,
326
00:15:02,273 --> 00:15:05,073
but it's just because
we love you so much.
327
00:15:05,191 --> 00:15:10,038
I've settled for...
so many things in my life.
328
00:15:11,873 --> 00:15:14,447
But I never want you
to settle for anything
329
00:15:14,472 --> 00:15:17,478
- other than your best life.
- Thanks, Mom.
330
00:15:18,037 --> 00:15:20,471
There they all are.
So good to see all of you.
331
00:15:20,597 --> 00:15:23,140
I'm Jim. Charles has told me
so much about all of you.
332
00:15:23,201 --> 00:15:25,068
Hey! Come on! Let's talk for a second.
333
00:15:25,144 --> 00:15:26,810
I thought we had a deal.
334
00:15:26,892 --> 00:15:29,765
We did, Charles, but you did
not fuck your end of it.
335
00:15:29,956 --> 00:15:32,946
I paid Chastity $300,
and she told me the truth.
336
00:15:33,106 --> 00:15:36,974
So we paid her $750 just
to eat all of our strudel?
337
00:15:37,036 --> 00:15:38,387
Apparently.
338
00:15:38,851 --> 00:15:41,785
Bobbi, Charles tells me
that you are from Fayetteville.
339
00:15:41,846 --> 00:15:43,447
I am from right across the border
340
00:15:43,490 --> 00:15:45,009
in Barry County, Missouri.
341
00:15:45,034 --> 00:15:46,121
Can you believe that?
342
00:15:46,178 --> 00:15:47,551
We're both children of the Ozarks.
343
00:15:47,599 --> 00:15:49,667
I mean, we're practically cousins.
344
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,746
Mm-hmm. I only have one white cousin,
345
00:15:51,778 --> 00:15:53,345
and his name is Dan Marino.
346
00:15:53,612 --> 00:15:54,944
And you must be the sergeant.
347
00:15:54,978 --> 00:15:56,624
Sir, it is such a pleasure to meet you.
348
00:15:56,656 --> 00:15:58,870
I want to thank you for your service.
349
00:16:00,059 --> 00:16:02,098
So you're my son's fancy friend.
350
00:16:02,308 --> 00:16:04,174
That is exactly who I am.
351
00:16:04,263 --> 00:16:06,797
Now, I know that you're all
very worried about Charles,
352
00:16:06,861 --> 00:16:09,962
but I want to assure you
that he is just doing fantastic.
353
00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:12,570
He's so happy that you all
came here to celebrate with him,
354
00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:17,236
but really, what is
a celebration without a toast?
355
00:16:17,339 --> 00:16:19,150
Come on in.
356
00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:20,811
Champagne for everybody.
357
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:23,611
Now, this is on me. Thank you, darling.
358
00:16:23,764 --> 00:16:26,331
Make sure everyone gets one, now.
359
00:16:26,386 --> 00:16:28,712
All right. To Charles...
360
00:16:28,848 --> 00:16:33,719
Well, if it ain't the ass
eater extraordinaire.
361
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,843
You didn't even kiss me
on the mouth first.
362
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,063
What kind of man
goes straight for the ass
363
00:16:39,098 --> 00:16:41,329
before they kiss you on the mouth?
364
00:16:41,978 --> 00:16:44,011
One that thought he was in a safe space
365
00:16:44,036 --> 00:16:45,936
to try a little something different.
366
00:16:45,971 --> 00:16:47,989
- You...
- All right, okay.
367
00:16:52,483 --> 00:16:53,816
What the hell was that in there?
368
00:16:53,860 --> 00:16:55,822
Hey, is it my fault that the rectum
369
00:16:55,847 --> 00:16:58,137
has the same amount of pleasure
receptors as the clitoris?
370
00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:00,584
It isn't. I mean, blame God
or natural selection,
371
00:17:00,709 --> 00:17:02,119
depending on your belief system.
372
00:17:02,169 --> 00:17:04,187
See, this is exactly why
I didn't want you here.
373
00:17:04,575 --> 00:17:05,850
I'm trying to patch
whatever relationship
374
00:17:05,874 --> 00:17:06,921
I have left with the family,
375
00:17:06,946 --> 00:17:08,139
and you're just gonna
come in here and ruin it.
376
00:17:08,163 --> 00:17:09,536
You're almost as bad as Terry!
377
00:17:09,642 --> 00:17:11,462
What do y'all have against that guy?
378
00:17:11,508 --> 00:17:13,348
He seems like a very sweet man to me.
379
00:17:13,399 --> 00:17:16,901
Never, ever take Terry's side.
380
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,890
Never. If you're gonna stay here,
381
00:17:19,915 --> 00:17:21,016
you're gonna be on your best behavior.
382
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,649
You understand me? Not a word.
383
00:17:23,740 --> 00:17:25,333
- I got it.
- Not a word.
384
00:17:25,358 --> 00:17:26,473
- How do you want me to...
- Jim!
385
00:17:26,498 --> 00:17:27,584
- Okay.
- Ah, ah, ah!
386
00:17:27,609 --> 00:17:28,741
All right.
387
00:17:29,431 --> 00:17:30,671
Thank you.
388
00:17:32,462 --> 00:17:35,462
Here's the happy couple.
Did y'all kiss and make up?
389
00:17:35,577 --> 00:17:38,312
Sorry about that.
Sorry about all of this.
390
00:17:38,351 --> 00:17:40,418
Now, it's just exactly
what we expected,
391
00:17:40,583 --> 00:17:42,554
which is why we got you this.
392
00:17:43,046 --> 00:17:44,709
Happy birthday, son.
393
00:17:45,781 --> 00:17:48,118
- What's this?
- It's a plane ticket.
394
00:17:48,198 --> 00:17:50,298
Now, look, I already got two good kids,
395
00:17:50,366 --> 00:17:52,300
so whatever happens to you, I'm fine.
396
00:17:52,521 --> 00:17:54,172
But you're all your mother has,
397
00:17:54,250 --> 00:17:56,395
which is why you ought to be
at home taking care of her.
398
00:17:56,420 --> 00:18:00,371
Charles, I-I haven't been doing
well since you left, Charles.
399
00:18:00,443 --> 00:18:02,238
I...
400
00:18:03,706 --> 00:18:05,072
I have cancer.
401
00:18:05,694 --> 00:18:07,423
Oh, my God, Mom.
402
00:18:07,511 --> 00:18:10,578
Emotional cancer caused by you.
403
00:18:10,619 --> 00:18:12,657
- Oh, my God! Mom!
- What?
404
00:18:12,682 --> 00:18:14,287
When you left, a sadness took over me,
405
00:18:14,312 --> 00:18:16,246
and you're the only one
who can make it go away!
406
00:18:16,271 --> 00:18:18,093
Well, why can't Terry take care of you?
407
00:18:18,154 --> 00:18:19,753
Terry can't even get bread.
408
00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:20,926
I'm hungry.
409
00:18:20,956 --> 00:18:22,489
See, that's why you need to be at home.
410
00:18:22,579 --> 00:18:24,327
- I am home.
- I don't understand
411
00:18:24,352 --> 00:18:25,895
how you turned out this way.
412
00:18:25,961 --> 00:18:28,294
You know I need you, and you
won't even consider me,
413
00:18:28,365 --> 00:18:29,533
your mother.
414
00:18:29,672 --> 00:18:31,939
Fed you every day,
kept you in nice clothes,
415
00:18:31,994 --> 00:18:34,231
kept a roof over
your head all by myself!
416
00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:37,245
And now look at you...
Ungrateful and selfish!
417
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:38,831
That... That's enough. I'm sorry.
418
00:18:38,874 --> 00:18:40,671
I promised Charles
I wouldn't say anything,
419
00:18:40,696 --> 00:18:42,229
but I cannot sit idly by
420
00:18:42,254 --> 00:18:44,321
and listen to you
badmouth this young man.
421
00:18:44,346 --> 00:18:46,562
Now, Sergeant, all due respect, sir,
422
00:18:46,587 --> 00:18:47,820
but you haven't been in his life.
423
00:18:47,845 --> 00:18:50,245
You have no right
to criticize his choices.
424
00:18:50,393 --> 00:18:53,128
You also seem to be turning your
girls into very strange robots.
425
00:18:53,243 --> 00:18:55,564
They have not blinked one time,
and I'm terrified.
426
00:18:55,589 --> 00:18:56,766
Thank you for your service.
427
00:18:56,808 --> 00:18:59,409
Terry, hey, very difficult
to respect anybody
428
00:18:59,475 --> 00:19:00,969
who has no respect for themselves.
429
00:19:00,994 --> 00:19:02,862
- No offense to you.
- Oh, none taken.
430
00:19:03,286 --> 00:19:04,921
You should be offended by that, Terry.
431
00:19:04,946 --> 00:19:07,613
That's the whole point.
No, never mind. Never mind.
432
00:19:07,783 --> 00:19:12,053
Madam, you are an emotionally
manipulative narcissist.
433
00:19:12,121 --> 00:19:14,030
I know. No, 'cause that's what I am.
434
00:19:14,097 --> 00:19:16,601
Now I see why Charles was drawn
to me in the first place.
435
00:19:16,626 --> 00:19:18,782
This is all he's known his entire life.
436
00:19:18,882 --> 00:19:20,555
Except with Jim, I get paid.
437
00:19:20,737 --> 00:19:22,350
You're darn right he does.
438
00:19:22,375 --> 00:19:25,471
This genius here helped me
build a podcast juggernaut.
439
00:19:25,496 --> 00:19:28,204
Go ahead. Tell them how much
money you made last year.
440
00:19:28,424 --> 00:19:29,957
$600,000.
441
00:19:30,093 --> 00:19:33,784
600 thousa... $600,000?
442
00:19:34,023 --> 00:19:35,288
I made $400,000.
443
00:19:35,490 --> 00:19:37,157
The 60/40 split is in your favor?
444
00:19:37,239 --> 00:19:38,705
I do most of the work.
445
00:19:38,761 --> 00:19:40,562
Oh, we're gonna put a pin
in this conversation.
446
00:19:40,587 --> 00:19:42,084
No, we're gonna revisit it later.
447
00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:44,665
Well, now I have some things
I'd like to say.
448
00:19:44,690 --> 00:19:46,957
That jacket you always wear
looks like the carpet
449
00:19:46,982 --> 00:19:49,102
at a motel that charges by the hour.
450
00:19:49,153 --> 00:19:52,409
Only a degenerate and a fool
would eat a stranger's ass.
451
00:19:52,470 --> 00:19:54,604
And any man who does must
be compensating
452
00:19:54,667 --> 00:19:56,733
for his tiny pecker!
453
00:19:56,788 --> 00:20:00,390
I have been told that I am
exactly average by sex workers
454
00:20:00,415 --> 00:20:03,415
around the world
in 16 different languages, okay?
455
00:20:03,568 --> 00:20:05,090
So now that we both had our turn...
456
00:20:05,157 --> 00:20:06,223
Oh, no, I'm just warming up.
457
00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:08,056
Let me tell you something else,
Mr. Announcer.
458
00:20:08,081 --> 00:20:11,315
Don't bother. We're leaving.
459
00:20:12,056 --> 00:20:13,243
I'm sorry for the way I left,
460
00:20:13,268 --> 00:20:14,976
but this dinner
made me realize why I did it.
461
00:20:15,007 --> 00:20:18,289
Now I'm gonna go back
to my house that I own.
462
00:20:19,131 --> 00:20:20,997
I love you all. Except Terry.
463
00:20:21,026 --> 00:20:22,802
Ch... Hey, is the house
in your name, too?
464
00:20:22,827 --> 00:20:24,486
It is, isn't it? Because we're
gonna have to have
465
00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:26,048
a serious talk about my finances.
466
00:20:26,084 --> 00:20:27,618
In what I thought was a partnership.
467
00:20:31,477 --> 00:20:32,943
Thanks for standing up for me.
468
00:20:33,004 --> 00:20:35,270
Well, Charles, I know what it's like
469
00:20:35,295 --> 00:20:37,095
to not be seen by your family.
470
00:20:37,215 --> 00:20:38,882
And, you know, I don't always give you
471
00:20:38,907 --> 00:20:40,340
the credit that you deserve,
472
00:20:40,365 --> 00:20:43,539
but, uh, as a man
with a prodigious ego,
473
00:20:43,754 --> 00:20:47,280
let me pay you the highest
possible compliment that I can.
474
00:20:48,086 --> 00:20:51,021
Charles, you are almost
as talented as I am.
475
00:20:53,780 --> 00:20:55,112
Wow.
476
00:20:55,194 --> 00:20:56,793
Yeah.
477
00:20:57,208 --> 00:20:58,408
Well, thanks, Jim.
478
00:20:58,743 --> 00:21:00,525
- I'm gonna go to bed.
- Whoa, whoa.
479
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:02,251
I got one more gift for you.
480
00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:04,653
Jim, if there's another
prostitute in here,
481
00:21:04,678 --> 00:21:06,745
I swear I'm gonna lose my shit.
482
00:21:06,825 --> 00:21:07,958
I...
483
00:21:09,794 --> 00:21:11,035
Hmm.
484
00:21:11,060 --> 00:21:12,168
604s?
485
00:21:12,193 --> 00:21:13,325
Oh, yeah.
486
00:21:16,501 --> 00:21:18,502
I thought I got the last pair
of 11s in the city.
487
00:21:18,556 --> 00:21:21,524
What can I say?
I have friends in high places.
488
00:21:22,728 --> 00:21:23,956
Did you call Joe Buck?
489
00:21:23,981 --> 00:21:25,714
I called Joe Buck.
490
00:21:33,470 --> 00:21:37,470
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