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♪♪
2
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Biggest change in this country
in the 10 years that I was gone?
3
00:00:25,752 --> 00:00:29,820
America went from being a boob
nation to being an ass nation.
4
00:00:29,882 --> 00:00:31,349
I mean, 30 years ago,
5
00:00:31,375 --> 00:00:34,576
if a company ran an ad campaign
on 3 TV networks
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00:00:34,634 --> 00:00:37,100
and 10 magazines, everybody saw it.
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00:00:37,180 --> 00:00:41,552
And what they saw mostly was
boobs... boobs, boobs, boobs.
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I mean, eventually,
we just forgot all about butts.
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[GROANS]
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00:00:45,828 --> 00:00:49,863
We were just so relentlessly
hammered with images of boobs.
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00:00:49,993 --> 00:00:53,891
And by the '80s, Charles,
big old fake boobs...
12
00:00:54,003 --> 00:00:57,271
Just these enormous sacks
of viscous chemicals
13
00:00:57,334 --> 00:01:01,026
that were bolted onto
the front of a woman's chest
14
00:01:01,071 --> 00:01:03,490
in defiance of all
good taste and gravity.
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00:01:03,526 --> 00:01:05,193
Which gift basket does she get?
16
00:01:05,235 --> 00:01:06,767
Chantal? Oh, the "Jeter."
17
00:01:06,792 --> 00:01:08,126
Oh, my God. She earned it.
18
00:01:08,212 --> 00:01:11,645
You know, iPads don't grow on trees.
19
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Maybe you should consider
not giving the Jeter
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to every woman you bring home?
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No, Charles, I'm afraid I can't,
because I'm sexually generous
22
00:01:19,155 --> 00:01:21,103
in all the ways that
one could possibly be.
23
00:01:21,157 --> 00:01:23,825
Besides, those "Piazza" baskets
that you designed,
24
00:01:23,850 --> 00:01:25,961
Charles, they're confusing,
and they're unpopular.
25
00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:27,565
There's an element of sadness to them.
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00:01:27,590 --> 00:01:30,298
Anywhoodles, I'm at the Big
Freedia bounce show last night,
27
00:01:30,323 --> 00:01:32,768
and I'm just...
I'm getting lost in the applause
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of like a hundred clapping asses.
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And it hits me, it dawns on me...
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I am surrounded by the very people
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that got America back into ass.
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I'm talking about straight black men,
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the gays, of course, and thick women.
God bless 'em.
34
00:01:46,633 --> 00:01:49,564
'Cause, see, when the Internet
expanded all media
35
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into the limitless chaos
that we know it to be today,
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the power of
the straight-white-male gaze
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00:01:55,468 --> 00:01:57,279
got diluted, and all of a sudden,
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all these long-forgotten voices
could finally be heard, man,
39
00:02:00,758 --> 00:02:05,134
and they were screaming, "Butts!
Come on! Butts are wonderful!"
40
00:02:05,207 --> 00:02:07,302
And that, my friend,
is how the titty wool
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00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:10,068
that had been pulled
over our collective eyes
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was finally lifted.
43
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She's waking up.
44
00:02:13,944 --> 00:02:15,374
Oh. I'll go hide in the bathroom.
45
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They always go to the bathroom.
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I'll hide in the pantry. Calm down.
47
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[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]
48
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♪♪
49
00:02:25,822 --> 00:02:28,423
I got the Jeter last time.
50
00:02:28,884 --> 00:02:30,021
What about that one?
51
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That one is reserved for someone
else, if she ever comes here.
52
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Which she won't.
53
00:02:35,699 --> 00:02:38,003
But I can get you two Piazzas instead.
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But those are in the pantry!
55
00:02:40,970 --> 00:02:42,052
Shit.
56
00:02:42,139 --> 00:02:43,325
[RUSTLING]
57
00:02:43,385 --> 00:02:45,652
Ta-da! Ha ha!
58
00:02:45,694 --> 00:02:48,629
There is one Piazza
for you right there.
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00:02:48,739 --> 00:02:51,327
A Squatty Potty and olive oil?
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00:02:51,507 --> 00:02:53,841
He's an Italian catcher.
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00:02:53,897 --> 00:02:55,144
It's so obvious.
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And your second Piazza.
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There you go. Got it?
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Great to see you again.
65
00:03:01,858 --> 00:03:03,858
You take care, now.
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- In conclusion...
- You're still not done.
67
00:03:15,602 --> 00:03:17,172
...this country is only getting dumber
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00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,797
and hotter and more crowded,
69
00:03:18,822 --> 00:03:20,755
but when I see butts of all shapes
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00:03:20,811 --> 00:03:22,957
and sizes and colors
not only represented,
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00:03:23,012 --> 00:03:26,074
but celebrated, well,
it gives me hope...
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Hope that things can still
change for the better.
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00:03:29,019 --> 00:03:33,546
♪♪
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00:03:34,626 --> 00:03:36,858
- Strike!
- Santos looks at a fastball.
75
00:03:36,953 --> 00:03:39,119
Count evens, 2-2.
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00:03:40,364 --> 00:03:42,363
'Course, Santos is only playing today
77
00:03:42,432 --> 00:03:44,957
because Fitzgerald
finally got his call-up
78
00:03:44,982 --> 00:03:47,470
to the major leagues,
so congratulations to Fitz.
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00:03:47,610 --> 00:03:48,752
- Get me another beer.
- No.
80
00:03:48,777 --> 00:03:49,780
- Come on.
- No.
81
00:03:49,805 --> 00:03:50,793
- Please.
- Focus.
82
00:03:50,818 --> 00:03:52,351
God damn it. [SWITCH CLICKS]
83
00:03:52,509 --> 00:03:54,755
Santos pops a curveball
up and out of play.
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00:03:54,804 --> 00:03:56,656
You know, folks, I think I understand
85
00:03:56,681 --> 00:03:58,033
just how Fitzgerald felt.
86
00:03:58,058 --> 00:03:59,914
I mean, he was a star
here in New Orleans
87
00:03:59,957 --> 00:04:02,992
right from the get-go,
yet he had to wait and wait
88
00:04:03,017 --> 00:04:05,283
and wait for that call-up
to the major leagues,
89
00:04:05,321 --> 00:04:07,542
to the point where he probably
started to question
90
00:04:07,567 --> 00:04:09,991
the decision-making
of the Atlanta organization.
91
00:04:10,016 --> 00:04:11,698
As Santos bounces one to the left side,
92
00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:12,947
this should probably do it.
93
00:04:12,972 --> 00:04:15,240
And the New Orleans Crawdaddys
are gonna drop this one
94
00:04:15,265 --> 00:04:17,304
- to Nashville by a count of 7-2.
- Suck!
95
00:04:17,329 --> 00:04:18,805
I have been Jim Brockmire.
96
00:04:18,845 --> 00:04:21,331
Please stay tuned
for the postgame wrap-up.
97
00:04:21,404 --> 00:04:22,658
Let me ask you a question.
98
00:04:22,706 --> 00:04:25,250
Was it clear just now, when I
was talking about Fitzgerald,
99
00:04:25,275 --> 00:04:27,989
that I was actually referring
to my own career situation?
100
00:04:28,014 --> 00:04:29,356
Oh, that was intentional?
101
00:04:29,381 --> 00:04:33,448
I can never tell if you're
calculating or just spiraling.
102
00:04:33,510 --> 00:04:34,843
I mean, what's the holdup?
103
00:04:34,885 --> 00:04:36,431
Seriously? What do I have to do?
104
00:04:36,456 --> 00:04:38,691
I mean, I've played by all
their stupid rules, have I not?
105
00:04:38,716 --> 00:04:40,117
Art Newly is hard to replace.
106
00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:42,556
He's like a more likable
Vin Scully, and you're...
107
00:04:42,625 --> 00:04:44,599
- [BELCHES]
- ...not that.
108
00:04:44,624 --> 00:04:46,256
They can't do anything
with you publicly.
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00:04:46,339 --> 00:04:47,807
It's gonna look like
they're pushing him out.
110
00:04:47,831 --> 00:04:49,398
Well, they won't have to push too hard.
111
00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:50,907
The man is 75 years old.
112
00:04:51,140 --> 00:04:54,302
A stiff breeze and an uneven
sidewalk, and down he will go.
113
00:04:54,363 --> 00:04:55,479
Want to hear some good news?
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00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:58,805
As of today, we have the
number 3 podcast in America.
115
00:04:58,888 --> 00:05:01,133
No shit? Oh!
116
00:05:01,177 --> 00:05:04,913
Remind me to ask that
Marc Maron how my ass tastes.
117
00:05:05,121 --> 00:05:06,614
[CROWD CHANTING "BROCK!"] Charles:
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
118
00:05:06,638 --> 00:05:08,801
to another live episode
of "Brock Bottom,"
119
00:05:08,826 --> 00:05:10,872
brought to you by Old Spice Deodorant.
120
00:05:10,908 --> 00:05:12,507
Like Jim Brockmire, Old Spice
121
00:05:12,532 --> 00:05:14,616
is an original that still feels fresh.
122
00:05:14,641 --> 00:05:16,174
Now, without further ado,
123
00:05:16,278 --> 00:05:19,346
I'd like to present to you
the one-man MOTH
124
00:05:19,415 --> 00:05:22,120
and the best freestyle storyteller
125
00:05:22,145 --> 00:05:24,945
in the podcast game...
126
00:05:25,473 --> 00:05:26,633
Jim Brockmire.
127
00:05:26,733 --> 00:05:29,287
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
128
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:36,071
♪♪
129
00:05:36,213 --> 00:05:37,880
Hey! All right!
130
00:05:37,954 --> 00:05:39,572
- I thank you.
- Whoo!
131
00:05:39,597 --> 00:05:41,989
Let's get right to it, shall we?
132
00:05:42,018 --> 00:05:46,193
I need a suggestion for a
90-minute improvised monologue.
133
00:05:46,349 --> 00:05:48,349
- Baseball!
- Pinstripes!
134
00:05:48,411 --> 00:05:50,045
- Wyoming!
- You said Wyoming.
135
00:05:50,070 --> 00:05:51,435
I heard Wichita.
136
00:05:51,460 --> 00:05:52,766
[LAUGHTER]
137
00:05:52,849 --> 00:05:54,623
Method to my madness on that one
138
00:05:54,648 --> 00:05:57,685
because the only person
that I ever knew from Wichita
139
00:05:57,747 --> 00:06:00,455
was none other than
television and film's.
140
00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:01,846
- Kirstie Alley.
- Yeah.
141
00:06:01,871 --> 00:06:03,219
- Yeah. Ooh!
- Oww!
142
00:06:03,244 --> 00:06:04,511
Now, this is a story
143
00:06:04,914 --> 00:06:06,313
about the first time
144
00:06:06,376 --> 00:06:08,727
that she tried to
convert me to Scientology.
145
00:06:08,805 --> 00:06:10,329
MAN: Yeah!
146
00:06:11,307 --> 00:06:13,812
[SLURRING] So, now, at this point...
147
00:06:15,177 --> 00:06:17,747
all the "Veronica's Closet"
writers, they g...
148
00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:19,030
They went home, okay?
149
00:06:19,055 --> 00:06:21,630
It's just me and Kirstie
alone in a dressing room,
150
00:06:21,658 --> 00:06:23,850
so I'm... I'm pretty psyched.
151
00:06:23,994 --> 00:06:28,464
Anyway, the room's really dark,
but I can just make out...
152
00:06:28,557 --> 00:06:31,693
I could just see this... this tear,
153
00:06:31,816 --> 00:06:34,587
one single tear
kind of gently making her...
154
00:06:34,650 --> 00:06:37,448
Its way down her face.
155
00:06:37,701 --> 00:06:39,745
So I got down.
156
00:06:39,823 --> 00:06:42,157
[GROANING] Okay.
157
00:06:42,272 --> 00:06:46,718
I said, "Kirstie, why are you crying?"
158
00:06:46,829 --> 00:06:47,895
[LAUGHTER]
159
00:06:47,977 --> 00:06:50,177
And she pulled me close,
160
00:06:50,353 --> 00:06:53,636
and she whispered one word
into my ear, folks.
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00:06:53,756 --> 00:06:55,616
She said...
162
00:06:56,305 --> 00:06:57,805
"Wichita!"
163
00:06:57,830 --> 00:06:59,308
[LAUGHTER]
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00:06:59,389 --> 00:07:00,617
"Wichita!"
165
00:07:00,724 --> 00:07:02,858
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
166
00:07:07,656 --> 00:07:08,923
Appreciate it. Next up.
167
00:07:08,959 --> 00:07:10,358
Come on up. Step right up.
168
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,415
This is a small-batch rye,
aged 18 years.
169
00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:13,506
Ooh!
170
00:07:13,531 --> 00:07:15,322
Yeah, m-my dad was an alcoholic.
171
00:07:15,404 --> 00:07:17,471
Instead of telling fun stories,
he'd get angry
172
00:07:17,526 --> 00:07:20,194
and make us all fight
for the last uncooked hot dog.
173
00:07:20,961 --> 00:07:22,561
Okay, we're gonna let that sad story
174
00:07:22,586 --> 00:07:24,243
just die right there on the vine,
175
00:07:24,268 --> 00:07:26,074
and we're gonna take
a lovely photo together, okay?
176
00:07:26,156 --> 00:07:27,755
Right there. [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
177
00:07:27,790 --> 00:07:29,523
All right.
Thank you so much for coming.
178
00:07:29,596 --> 00:07:30,932
Appreciate it. Step right up.
179
00:07:30,957 --> 00:07:33,578
What do you got there?
Are these magic mush...
180
00:07:33,603 --> 00:07:36,137
Oh, the... Oh! These are all caps, too.
181
00:07:36,297 --> 00:07:37,363
Oh, my goodness.
182
00:07:37,413 --> 00:07:40,066
Well, if history has
taught us anything,
183
00:07:40,123 --> 00:07:42,590
it's that this evening
is almost certain to end
184
00:07:42,615 --> 00:07:44,415
with me stealing a boat.
185
00:07:44,451 --> 00:07:45,464
Is that something?
186
00:07:45,489 --> 00:07:47,342
- I don't even know why.
- Hey, uh, Jim. Could I...
187
00:07:47,774 --> 00:07:48,987
Y... One... Pardon me a moment.
188
00:07:49,034 --> 00:07:50,251
Yes, my friend?
189
00:07:50,276 --> 00:07:53,010
Art Newly just announced
that he's officially retiring
190
00:07:53,035 --> 00:07:54,034
at the end of the season,
191
00:07:54,059 --> 00:07:56,703
and the new head of PR from Atlanta
192
00:07:56,728 --> 00:07:58,036
is coming down tomorrow for a meeting.
193
00:07:58,061 --> 00:07:59,585
Now, I don't want you to read
too much into this.
194
00:07:59,609 --> 00:08:02,683
- Holy shit! I did it! I did it!
- We still don't know.
195
00:08:02,708 --> 00:08:04,525
No, I made it back to the top
of the mountain, Charles.
196
00:08:04,581 --> 00:08:05,582
Oh, my God!
197
00:08:05,607 --> 00:08:07,040
I could not have done it without you.
198
00:08:07,065 --> 00:08:09,665
I love you! Mwah! I love you, Charles.
199
00:08:10,146 --> 00:08:11,763
I can't believe you won't
say it back to me.
200
00:08:11,788 --> 00:08:13,104
I am not gonna say it,
201
00:08:13,129 --> 00:08:14,862
and I can't believe
you're saying it to me.
202
00:08:14,905 --> 00:08:16,311
That's just gonna make it
all the sweeter
203
00:08:16,336 --> 00:08:17,819
when I finally wear you down.
204
00:08:17,844 --> 00:08:20,218
But tonight is about celebratin', baby!
205
00:08:20,243 --> 00:08:21,700
Not too hard.
206
00:08:21,773 --> 00:08:23,111
You s... You have the meeting tomorrow.
207
00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:24,616
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right. Hey, everybody.
208
00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,507
Everybody, I want you
to show me your cocaine.
209
00:08:26,532 --> 00:08:29,232
Who's carrying cocaine?
Hold it on up there.
210
00:08:29,285 --> 00:08:30,411
- I got some.
- Okay.
211
00:08:30,453 --> 00:08:31,423
- Let's see.
- Me, me, me, me!
212
00:08:31,448 --> 00:08:32,510
- Right here.
- All right.
213
00:08:32,535 --> 00:08:34,783
That appears to be only an eight ball.
214
00:08:34,808 --> 00:08:36,207
So I'm gonna go with you two
215
00:08:36,232 --> 00:08:38,466
'cause I got a busy day tomorrow!
216
00:08:40,636 --> 00:08:41,716
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
217
00:08:41,741 --> 00:08:42,887
You could say what you will,
218
00:08:42,912 --> 00:08:44,913
but I am just so happy for you, bro.
219
00:08:44,938 --> 00:08:46,244
Oh, well, thank you, Raj.
220
00:08:46,269 --> 00:08:47,910
Could not have done it
without you calling
221
00:08:47,935 --> 00:08:50,116
all those road games.
No, you've been a lifesaver.
222
00:08:50,172 --> 00:08:51,905
Come on. Look, thank you.
223
00:08:51,941 --> 00:08:54,451
I just enjoyed joining your
brotherhood of the booth.
224
00:08:54,476 --> 00:08:55,513
And I must say,
225
00:08:55,538 --> 00:08:57,925
you're much less racist
than I thought you'd be.
226
00:08:58,041 --> 00:08:59,283
Well, my goodness.
227
00:08:59,308 --> 00:09:01,168
I wish I could take
more credit for that,
228
00:09:01,193 --> 00:09:03,781
but, uh, the bar set by old white men
229
00:09:03,806 --> 00:09:06,136
in this great country of ours
is just, oh, so very low.
230
00:09:06,161 --> 00:09:08,029
Yep. As soon as you raise it up
a little bit,
231
00:09:08,054 --> 00:09:10,121
someone knocks it back down, huh?
232
00:09:10,531 --> 00:09:12,237
- Man, you keep screwing up.
- We do.
233
00:09:12,262 --> 00:09:14,662
Listen, let's commemorate
this hand-off on the 'gram.
234
00:09:14,710 --> 00:09:16,476
- Get in here.
- Ah, the ubiquitous 'gram.
235
00:09:16,572 --> 00:09:17,988
- Mm-hmm.
- All right. Hey, whoa, whoa!
236
00:09:18,013 --> 00:09:19,412
What are you doing here, asshole?
237
00:09:19,443 --> 00:09:20,506
- Whoa, whoa! Jim!
- What's that?
238
00:09:20,530 --> 00:09:22,713
Hey, look, I invited him, okay? Look...
239
00:09:22,799 --> 00:09:25,399
- You invited him?
- Yes. You're both my brohams,
240
00:09:25,447 --> 00:09:27,471
so I was hoping we could end this feud
241
00:09:27,496 --> 00:09:29,484
because you actually have
a lot in common, okay?
242
00:09:29,509 --> 00:09:31,571
You're both really stubborn superstars.
243
00:09:31,596 --> 00:09:33,392
- I mean, you...
- Whoa, whoa. Superstar?
244
00:09:33,417 --> 00:09:34,439
Are you kidding me?
245
00:09:34,464 --> 00:09:36,967
Hey, I've known all the titans
of mascotry, okay?
246
00:09:36,992 --> 00:09:39,459
The Phillie Phanatic,
he officiated my wedding.
247
00:09:39,484 --> 00:09:40,785
You are not a superstar.
248
00:09:40,810 --> 00:09:42,777
You are a mime in Muppet's clothing.
249
00:09:42,812 --> 00:09:43,840
What... What's that?
250
00:09:43,865 --> 00:09:45,513
What is that?
I don't even understand that.
251
00:09:45,538 --> 00:09:46,838
I think he's flipping you off.
252
00:09:46,863 --> 00:09:49,558
You fuck your mother with
that claw, you stupid idiot?
253
00:09:49,591 --> 00:09:51,445
- Come on!
- Jim Brockmire?
254
00:09:51,494 --> 00:09:52,793
- Yeah.
- I'm Whitney Masterson.
255
00:09:52,818 --> 00:09:54,640
I'm the new head of PR for Atlanta.
256
00:09:54,749 --> 00:09:57,176
- Is... Is there a problem?
- No, no.
257
00:09:57,218 --> 00:09:59,680
I mean, I don't pretend to be
a crustacean for a living,
258
00:09:59,705 --> 00:10:01,720
so I'm very good, thank you.
259
00:10:01,876 --> 00:10:03,944
Raj, can you join us, as well, please?
260
00:10:04,913 --> 00:10:06,731
Yeah. Come on. More the merrier.
261
00:10:06,756 --> 00:10:09,424
Plan the old line of succession here.
262
00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:13,709
Hey, medium mascot talent! At best!
263
00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:14,956
Dummy!
264
00:10:15,010 --> 00:10:17,478
First of all, Jim, the organization
265
00:10:17,503 --> 00:10:18,928
wishes to thank you for doing
266
00:10:18,953 --> 00:10:21,136
all that it asked of you
over the last year.
267
00:10:21,161 --> 00:10:22,994
Well, please thank the organization
268
00:10:23,019 --> 00:10:25,241
for doing everything I asked of them.
[CHUCKLES]
269
00:10:25,346 --> 00:10:27,947
It was a little unusual,
only calling home games,
270
00:10:27,972 --> 00:10:31,161
and it was a bit of
a strange contract rider.
271
00:10:31,186 --> 00:10:32,284
I mean...
272
00:10:32,309 --> 00:10:35,911
"Jim Brockmire does not ride
the bus... exclamation point."
273
00:10:35,965 --> 00:10:38,165
Make sure they spell
'exclamation point'
274
00:10:38,190 --> 00:10:41,546
"because that's how much
I don't want to ride the bus."
275
00:10:41,676 --> 00:10:43,485
Yeah, you know, I used to say the bus
276
00:10:43,512 --> 00:10:45,579
is just like a concentration-camp train
277
00:10:45,604 --> 00:10:46,716
that made more stops,
278
00:10:46,741 --> 00:10:48,661
but, uh, well, I quickly discovered
279
00:10:48,686 --> 00:10:50,552
that people prefer
their Holocaust humor
280
00:10:50,577 --> 00:10:52,044
to come from Roberto Benigni
281
00:10:52,069 --> 00:10:54,269
and [CHUCKLES] pretty much nobody else.
282
00:10:54,644 --> 00:10:55,654
Okay.
283
00:10:55,679 --> 00:10:57,554
Before I was hired in PR,
284
00:10:57,579 --> 00:10:59,846
I interned in the analytics department,
285
00:10:59,871 --> 00:11:02,700
and I learned a very important lesson.
286
00:11:02,725 --> 00:11:04,692
Human perception...
287
00:11:04,886 --> 00:11:06,118
is a lie.
288
00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:09,410
But math... math always
tells the truth.
289
00:11:09,558 --> 00:11:13,170
For example, we believed that
hiring an Internet celebrity
290
00:11:13,203 --> 00:11:14,456
would bring in new fans,
291
00:11:14,495 --> 00:11:17,393
but the numbers told a different story.
292
00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:19,770
What is that... like, two pie charts?
293
00:11:19,795 --> 00:11:21,078
I don't understand what's happening.
294
00:11:21,103 --> 00:11:22,904
It's a Venn diagram, Jim.
295
00:11:23,071 --> 00:11:24,291
Oh. Okay.
296
00:11:24,316 --> 00:11:25,862
According to focus groups,
297
00:11:25,887 --> 00:11:29,021
our fans hate your podcast,
298
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:32,306
and your podcast fans hate baseball.
299
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,761
- Interesting, right?
- Mm-hmm.
300
00:11:33,814 --> 00:11:36,696
So, next, we tested
that same group to find.
301
00:11:36,765 --> 00:11:39,165
Art Newly's likability...
302
00:11:39,207 --> 00:11:41,208
92 out of 100.
303
00:11:41,336 --> 00:11:44,169
I mean, makes sense.
He's beloved by generations.
304
00:11:44,545 --> 00:11:48,573
Then, we tested, uh, Jim's likability.
305
00:11:49,437 --> 00:11:51,523
- 67.
- Ha!
306
00:11:51,585 --> 00:11:52,882
- Okay.
- Yeah!
307
00:11:52,907 --> 00:11:55,153
- Is that a good number?
- Great question.
308
00:11:55,263 --> 00:11:58,999
We needed context. We needed a control.
309
00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:00,680
So we tested Raj.
310
00:12:00,742 --> 00:12:02,082
And here's where it gets interesting.
311
00:12:02,107 --> 00:12:04,707
Raj is an 84.
312
00:12:04,780 --> 00:12:06,113
[CHUCKLES]
313
00:12:06,328 --> 00:12:08,061
Out of what, like 200?
314
00:12:08,086 --> 00:12:09,552
Out of 100.
315
00:12:09,617 --> 00:12:12,550
200 would make your 67 look even worse.
316
00:12:12,575 --> 00:12:14,351
- You get how that works?
- Yes, no, thank you.
317
00:12:14,376 --> 00:12:15,708
I'm not a complete idiot.
318
00:12:15,810 --> 00:12:18,019
Look, anybody could
see that this kid's gonna be
319
00:12:18,044 --> 00:12:20,512
- a big star one day.
- Agreed.
320
00:12:20,589 --> 00:12:22,889
Which is why replacing Art Newly
321
00:12:22,914 --> 00:12:26,816
will now be a two-man
competition between you and Raj.
322
00:12:26,849 --> 00:12:28,411
This kid's a hack! Are you kidding me?
323
00:12:28,436 --> 00:12:32,036
I've known sperm on a crusty
sock with more life experience.
324
00:12:32,173 --> 00:12:33,506
I'm sorry, Jim.
325
00:12:33,531 --> 00:12:35,896
The decision's been made...
Far above my head.
326
00:12:35,971 --> 00:12:39,239
With insistent and
unwavering support from me.
327
00:12:39,294 --> 00:12:42,228
I think I speak for Raj when
I say that neither one of us
328
00:12:42,253 --> 00:12:43,629
wants any part of this thing.
329
00:12:43,654 --> 00:12:46,677
No. No, I'm in... 100%.
330
00:12:46,816 --> 00:12:49,071
Et tu, broham?
331
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,267
Look. You've been like a mentor to me.
332
00:12:54,422 --> 00:12:56,426
Uh-huh. We both know it.
So there's no way
333
00:12:56,451 --> 00:12:58,003
I'm gonna let them pit us
against each other.
334
00:12:58,028 --> 00:13:00,495
Ah. Excellent.
Y-Y-You gonna bow out, then?
335
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:02,623
No, I just think we should try
our best and see what happens.
336
00:13:02,648 --> 00:13:04,360
Hey, "F" that, all right? "F" that.
337
00:13:04,385 --> 00:13:06,746
Look, I know this has been a dream of
both of ours for a very long time.
338
00:13:06,771 --> 00:13:09,153
A dream. That's really funny.
No, not really.
339
00:13:09,178 --> 00:13:11,244
I just did, like, improv
for a little while,
340
00:13:11,359 --> 00:13:12,961
and then I took a broadcasting class.
341
00:13:12,986 --> 00:13:14,334
I didn't even really finish it.
342
00:13:14,359 --> 00:13:16,491
I really wanted to call
G-League basketball,
343
00:13:16,516 --> 00:13:18,070
but that's, like, a hard gig to get.
344
00:13:18,095 --> 00:13:20,429
Then Jesus Christ, man, let me have it.
345
00:13:20,469 --> 00:13:22,068
Why can't we both just try to earn it?
346
00:13:22,103 --> 00:13:24,104
'Cause I might not win it
that way, Raj.
347
00:13:24,155 --> 00:13:26,568
Do you know how many
diverse play-by-play men
348
00:13:26,593 --> 00:13:28,068
there are in baseball?
349
00:13:29,370 --> 00:13:32,304
It's not a rhetorical question.
I literally have no idea.
350
00:13:32,386 --> 00:13:35,363
I'm not a baseball fan. I just want
to know if I should hire a publicist.
351
00:13:35,404 --> 00:13:37,137
Okay, have it your way, but you and I,
352
00:13:37,162 --> 00:13:38,814
we are sworn enemies now, I mean it.
353
00:13:38,839 --> 00:13:41,395
You never know where or how
or when I am gonna strike next,
354
00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:42,688
but let me put it to you this way.
355
00:13:42,713 --> 00:13:44,868
Bob Costas did not expect
to get pink eye
356
00:13:44,893 --> 00:13:46,061
at the Sochi Olympics either,
357
00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:48,228
but I sure as shit made that happen.
358
00:13:48,296 --> 00:13:51,430
Okay, okay, you're...
You're mad at me now.
359
00:13:51,565 --> 00:13:55,834
But I will win you back
because everyone loves me.
360
00:13:55,930 --> 00:13:57,264
It's a rare gift.
361
00:13:57,339 --> 00:14:00,744
Only Sandy Bullock,
Alex Trebek, and I have it.
362
00:14:00,775 --> 00:14:03,739
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
Fan Fest is about to begin.
363
00:14:03,999 --> 00:14:06,019
I freakin' love you.
364
00:14:06,161 --> 00:14:08,960
Have fun out there, okay?
I'll send some your way.
365
00:14:08,985 --> 00:14:10,162
The gates are open.
366
00:14:10,187 --> 00:14:13,730
Head down to the field to meet
your favorite Crawdaddy.
367
00:14:18,521 --> 00:14:21,455
There you are, fan. Enjoy the Fan Fest.
368
00:14:21,563 --> 00:14:23,765
Are you wearing sunblock?
Fan Fest is three hour...
369
00:14:23,815 --> 00:14:26,416
You [BLEEP] Charles. You screwed
me right in the asshole.
370
00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:28,119
- What?
- You tricked me into thinking
371
00:14:28,144 --> 00:14:30,343
this podcast thingy
would get me the Atlanta job,
372
00:14:30,368 --> 00:14:31,369
but it didn't do dick.
373
00:14:31,394 --> 00:14:33,059
Quite the opposite. God damn it.
374
00:14:33,121 --> 00:14:35,645
I should just... I should quit
that stupid podcast.
375
00:14:35,717 --> 00:14:37,103
If you're gonna quit
anything, it should be this.
376
00:14:37,127 --> 00:14:38,582
- What?
- You're doing
377
00:14:38,607 --> 00:14:41,127
radio broadcast of a Minor
League Baseball game
378
00:14:41,152 --> 00:14:43,154
to, what, 20,000 people?
379
00:14:43,419 --> 00:14:46,019
"Brock Bottom" gets half
a million downloads an episode.
380
00:14:46,044 --> 00:14:48,044
Hey, give us a second here,
friend, all right?
381
00:14:48,069 --> 00:14:50,069
We're in the middle of something, okay?
382
00:14:50,498 --> 00:14:52,072
We're making good money
from the live shows,
383
00:14:52,097 --> 00:14:53,434
but the real money is in touring.
384
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:56,726
If you quit this, we can sell
out theaters across the country,
385
00:14:56,751 --> 00:14:59,097
maybe even leapfrog over "Fresh Air"
386
00:14:59,122 --> 00:15:00,721
for the number-two spot.
387
00:15:00,795 --> 00:15:02,194
Well, as much as that Terry Gross
388
00:15:02,219 --> 00:15:03,686
needs to taken down a peg or two,
389
00:15:03,739 --> 00:15:05,338
I am a baseball man, Charles.
390
00:15:05,363 --> 00:15:07,124
I mean, the podcast is nice
and everything,
391
00:15:07,149 --> 00:15:08,492
but, uh, it ain't the major leagues.
392
00:15:08,517 --> 00:15:11,717
Ah! Yeah! [SPEAKING CREOLE]
393
00:15:12,841 --> 00:15:14,175
Is he speaking Creole?
394
00:15:14,277 --> 00:15:17,010
Bam! Oh, oh. Bam!
395
00:15:17,065 --> 00:15:18,670
God, there's so many of you.
396
00:15:18,727 --> 00:15:20,547
I am really screwed.
397
00:15:24,660 --> 00:15:27,394
Oh, there he is. What's he doing now?
398
00:15:27,803 --> 00:15:30,271
Oh. Is that supposed to be me?
399
00:15:30,373 --> 00:15:34,067
Oh, I get it.
I'm so drunk I can hardly walk.
400
00:15:34,096 --> 00:15:36,430
That... That's just hilarious.
401
00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:37,585
You know what, though?
402
00:15:37,667 --> 00:15:39,201
You're not quite selling it, though.
403
00:15:39,226 --> 00:15:40,674
Can I give you a quick pointer?
404
00:15:41,557 --> 00:15:42,557
[GRUNTS]
405
00:15:42,791 --> 00:15:45,934
[BAT CLANKS]
406
00:15:50,211 --> 00:15:51,989
Shouldn't you be
more discreet about that?
407
00:15:52,060 --> 00:15:53,660
I am being discreet.
408
00:15:53,802 --> 00:15:56,649
Not pouring anything out of this, am I?
409
00:15:57,065 --> 00:16:00,915
So, what was that big idea
to beat Raj you texted me about?
410
00:16:00,940 --> 00:16:02,439
I spent all last night looking up
411
00:16:02,464 --> 00:16:04,445
things people like on the Internet.
412
00:16:04,559 --> 00:16:06,626
Came up with a lot of videos
of autistic kids
413
00:16:06,681 --> 00:16:09,215
sinking 3-point baskets,
but, uh, apparently,
414
00:16:09,251 --> 00:16:11,405
they're very hard
to find on short notice.
415
00:16:11,466 --> 00:16:14,066
And that dog who can't catch
pizza... You know that guy?
416
00:16:14,091 --> 00:16:16,011
He is booked solid for an entire year.
417
00:16:16,037 --> 00:16:19,434
And then it hit me, Charles...
Make-A-Wish cancer kids.
418
00:16:19,488 --> 00:16:21,111
- Oh, Jesus Christ. No.
- Yes.
419
00:16:21,136 --> 00:16:23,426
Unfortunately, when I called
the Make-A-Wish Foundation,
420
00:16:23,451 --> 00:16:26,519
they informed me that no child
had ever requested a visit
421
00:16:26,544 --> 00:16:28,296
to a Minor League
Baseball broadcast booth.
422
00:16:28,334 --> 00:16:29,737
That is so weird!
423
00:16:29,785 --> 00:16:32,919
So I took the liberty of calling
around to local cancer wards
424
00:16:32,944 --> 00:16:35,678
till I came upon the parents
of 8-year-old Dylan Cole,
425
00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:37,737
and I convinced them to let him join me
426
00:16:37,762 --> 00:16:39,035
in the booth this afternoon.
427
00:16:39,060 --> 00:16:40,860
What exactly is wrong with Dylan?
428
00:16:41,003 --> 00:16:43,211
I don't know. Must be really bad
because his doctors,
429
00:16:43,262 --> 00:16:45,729
they did not want him
to leave the hospital.
430
00:16:46,274 --> 00:16:48,494
- I won't be a part of this.
- No, agreed. You know why?
431
00:16:48,543 --> 00:16:49,960
Apparently, he has a lot of equipment
432
00:16:49,985 --> 00:16:51,324
he needs to help him breathe,
433
00:16:51,373 --> 00:16:53,330
so there's gonna be no room
for you there in the booth.
434
00:16:53,355 --> 00:16:55,543
Your job is gonna be
to do focus testing.
435
00:16:55,583 --> 00:16:57,099
That means you hang
around here in the stadium
436
00:16:57,123 --> 00:16:59,323
and you gauge how great
this is playing.
437
00:16:59,348 --> 00:17:01,352
Take some videos
so we can show Whitney later.
438
00:17:01,377 --> 00:17:04,585
Oh, man. This is gonna be
so freakin' uplifting!
439
00:17:04,610 --> 00:17:06,509
Everybody's panties are gonna be wet...
440
00:17:06,568 --> 00:17:08,152
Wet from tears!
441
00:17:08,325 --> 00:17:09,992
[SLURPS]
442
00:17:10,219 --> 00:17:12,552
Wet from tears, Charles!
443
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,441
- MAN: Jim Brockmire?
- Yeah?
444
00:17:14,544 --> 00:17:16,626
We'd like you to meet
the bravest kid in the world...
445
00:17:16,651 --> 00:17:18,252
Our son, Dylan.
446
00:17:18,421 --> 00:17:21,755
Hey. Hi. Oh, hi. That's so many tubes.
447
00:17:22,143 --> 00:17:24,237
H-Hi, Dylan.
448
00:17:24,619 --> 00:17:27,284
Short pop fly to center
for out number three.
449
00:17:27,309 --> 00:17:28,864
Crawdaddys coming up to bat now,
450
00:17:28,890 --> 00:17:30,763
and to help me call
the bottom of the 4th
451
00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:34,292
is tiny hero and cancer
survivor, Mr. Dylan Cole.
452
00:17:34,317 --> 00:17:35,918
- He's eight years old.
- Aww!
453
00:17:35,984 --> 00:17:38,718
Uh, Dylan, who's your
favorite ballplayer, son?
454
00:17:38,907 --> 00:17:41,747
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
455
00:17:42,071 --> 00:17:43,414
Hmm?
456
00:17:44,979 --> 00:17:46,866
Okay, how 'bout I, uh...
I'm gonna move the mic
457
00:17:46,891 --> 00:17:50,387
a little bit closer for you,
and that should make it easier.
458
00:17:50,432 --> 00:17:51,831
Go ahead.
459
00:17:52,046 --> 00:17:55,615
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
460
00:17:56,791 --> 00:17:59,011
You know what? I-I-If it's
too difficult for you,
461
00:17:59,036 --> 00:18:00,615
I-I... maybe you shouldn't answer.
462
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,269
No, I don't want you
to waste the energy, son.
463
00:18:02,294 --> 00:18:03,412
It's all right.
I don't want you to answer.
464
00:18:03,436 --> 00:18:05,035
It's all right. Never mind.
Let go of the mic.
465
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:06,229
Is he gonna hurt himself?
466
00:18:06,609 --> 00:18:07,997
O-Okay. All right. Go ahead.
467
00:18:08,043 --> 00:18:11,778
DYLAN: Buster... Posey.
468
00:18:12,260 --> 00:18:15,061
Wasn't worth it.
Uh, not by a long shot.
469
00:18:15,190 --> 00:18:16,468
Okay.
470
00:18:16,572 --> 00:18:22,776
♪♪
471
00:18:23,284 --> 00:18:25,285
[CRYING]
472
00:18:26,128 --> 00:18:28,847
♪♪
473
00:18:30,112 --> 00:18:32,045
Top of the 5th, folks.
474
00:18:32,094 --> 00:18:34,695
Dylan is gone.
475
00:18:37,679 --> 00:18:39,688
His parents wheeled him on out of here.
476
00:18:39,794 --> 00:18:41,514
- Oh.
- Um...
477
00:18:42,243 --> 00:18:43,971
See, I invited young Dylan
into the booth
478
00:18:43,996 --> 00:18:46,006
because I thought it might
be inspiring for people.
479
00:18:46,031 --> 00:18:48,912
I mean, who is not inspired
by the courageous tale
480
00:18:48,937 --> 00:18:51,137
of a young man battling cancer...
481
00:18:51,162 --> 00:18:53,564
As a curveball drops
in there for a strike.
482
00:18:53,589 --> 00:18:55,355
0-1.
483
00:18:55,616 --> 00:18:58,484
See, the thing is, though,
I guess I wonder why
484
00:18:58,540 --> 00:19:02,254
because I was not uplifted
by Dylan's burden.
485
00:19:02,279 --> 00:19:04,709
If anything, it just
turned over the rock
486
00:19:04,734 --> 00:19:07,588
under which I keep buried the
knowledge of my own mortality...
487
00:19:07,613 --> 00:19:10,421
As Sanchez looks
at one high and away. 1-1.
488
00:19:10,765 --> 00:19:13,166
I mean, maybe we like kids with
cancer so much...
489
00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:14,607
- No, no, no...
- because they're the only time
490
00:19:14,631 --> 00:19:17,192
that human beings are actually
all united in empathy.
491
00:19:17,217 --> 00:19:21,019
But, uh, if it takes the torment
of those most vulnerable
492
00:19:21,044 --> 00:19:22,777
among us to bring us all together,
493
00:19:22,802 --> 00:19:25,014
then, well, what does
that say about humanity...
494
00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:28,349
As Sanchez pulls that one foul, 1-2.
495
00:19:30,405 --> 00:19:32,449
Is it because these kids all know
496
00:19:32,474 --> 00:19:33,940
that they're headed to a better place?
497
00:19:33,971 --> 00:19:36,342
Well, they're all raised on fairy tales
498
00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:37,988
and Santa Claus, aren't they?
499
00:19:38,013 --> 00:19:39,879
I mean, their certainty in heaven
500
00:19:39,904 --> 00:19:42,037
should offer us no consolation...
501
00:19:42,062 --> 00:19:44,238
As Sanchez steps out of the box.
502
00:19:44,263 --> 00:19:45,529
Out of the way!
503
00:19:45,693 --> 00:19:50,163
No, see, I suspect the true
reason is much darker.
504
00:19:52,674 --> 00:19:54,407
I suspect that, at a base level,
505
00:19:54,475 --> 00:19:56,809
one that none of us wants to admit,
506
00:19:56,925 --> 00:20:01,010
we love kids with cancer because
their imminent deaths remind us
507
00:20:01,035 --> 00:20:03,502
that we are still alive, people.
508
00:20:03,554 --> 00:20:06,088
They are the ones
being punished, not us...
509
00:20:06,367 --> 00:20:09,490
As Sanchez strikes out
for the fourth time today.
510
00:20:09,605 --> 00:20:11,138
Shit.
511
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:14,041
That was way worse than
I thought it was gonna be.
512
00:20:15,164 --> 00:20:16,732
CHARLES: It was
only a one-game suspension.
513
00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:19,079
It could've been way worse, right?
514
00:20:21,743 --> 00:20:22,971
Hey, Jim?
515
00:20:22,996 --> 00:20:24,128
Yeah?
516
00:20:24,192 --> 00:20:25,859
Why are we here?
517
00:20:25,927 --> 00:20:27,784
Charles, sometimes you
just have to cut out
518
00:20:27,809 --> 00:20:30,882
those annoying middlemen
called fun and conversation...
519
00:20:31,486 --> 00:20:33,652
and get straight to the booze.
520
00:20:33,807 --> 00:20:36,687
♪♪
521
00:20:36,972 --> 00:20:39,328
I just watched a man pull out
his own loose tooth.
522
00:20:39,474 --> 00:20:40,808
I hate it here.
523
00:20:40,936 --> 00:20:42,602
I didn't get carded when I came in,
524
00:20:42,667 --> 00:20:45,000
and I'm not even
the youngest person here.
525
00:20:45,059 --> 00:20:47,470
Oh, Lil Pete's all right.
526
00:20:48,589 --> 00:20:50,916
No, don't... don't make
eye contact with him.
527
00:20:50,941 --> 00:20:53,089
That third trip to juvie,
that changed him.
528
00:20:53,474 --> 00:20:56,459
What are you having, hmm? I'm buying.
529
00:20:57,152 --> 00:20:59,695
Yeah, um, I can't be your producer,
530
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:01,897
your roommate, your best friend,
531
00:21:01,922 --> 00:21:04,322
housekeeper, and drinking buddy.
532
00:21:04,919 --> 00:21:06,919
I know you said I can't say
their name anymore,
533
00:21:06,944 --> 00:21:09,721
but I only know one person who
can match you drink for drink.
534
00:21:09,830 --> 00:21:10,896
If you want some company,
535
00:21:10,939 --> 00:21:13,339
I recommend making
a call to Morristown.
536
00:21:13,774 --> 00:21:14,980
[SIGHS]
537
00:21:15,049 --> 00:21:16,515
Yeah, you're right.
538
00:21:16,558 --> 00:21:17,788
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
539
00:21:17,860 --> 00:21:19,193
Ha ha!
540
00:21:19,261 --> 00:21:22,129
[LAUGHS]
541
00:21:22,318 --> 00:21:23,550
Whoo!
542
00:21:23,926 --> 00:21:25,730
You know this is not
who I was talking about.
543
00:21:25,755 --> 00:21:27,838
There he is. Brockmire.
544
00:21:27,876 --> 00:21:30,410
Oh, man!
545
00:21:30,644 --> 00:21:32,248
I brought you a present.
546
00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:35,578
Oh. What are those, mints?
547
00:21:35,618 --> 00:21:37,217
Horse tranquilizer.
548
00:21:37,312 --> 00:21:39,579
Ah, you see? I missed you.
549
00:21:39,641 --> 00:21:40,894
Come here. Mwah!
550
00:21:40,919 --> 00:21:43,187
synced & corrected by PopcornAWH
www.addic7ed.com
551
00:21:47,296 --> 00:21:48,661
You're more likable when you're drunk.
552
00:21:48,690 --> 00:21:51,658
Those are the words that every
alcoholic longs to be true.
553
00:21:53,207 --> 00:21:54,572
This is New Orleans.
554
00:21:54,597 --> 00:21:56,296
Every carnal pleasure
was invented right here.
555
00:21:56,698 --> 00:21:57,964
You're a brown Joe Buck.
556
00:21:58,180 --> 00:22:01,077
Ha ha. No. Joe Buck is a white me.
557
00:22:01,136 --> 00:22:02,902
This literally could not get any worse.
558
00:22:03,038 --> 00:22:05,404
Lucy? Okay, it just got
significantly worse.
559
00:22:05,565 --> 00:22:07,065
♪♪
560
00:22:07,129 --> 00:22:09,963
This comeback might be over
before it's begun.
561
00:22:10,017 --> 00:22:13,018
Ho. We are definitely not
on the same page
562
00:22:13,043 --> 00:22:14,509
about how to spend this evening.
563
00:22:14,578 --> 00:22:17,479
"Brockmire."
Wednesdays at 10:00 on IFC.
42544
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