Original subtitles

Oh, for the...

That's disgusting!

Me? You're the one that's covered in farts.

And why couldn't you put on some clothes

before we left the village?

What, seriously?

You think I'd be caught dead dressed like a Nazi?

Those old cannibal women

had washed and folded your regular clothes!

Well, it's also hard to go back

after you taste the freedom of the coconut.

Master Coconut!

Nobody gets that!

You know what I don't get?

The fact you're not really a Goddess?

I was gonna say fractions.

I was gonna say fractions!

I don't get why she's even with us.

- I'm here because... - Because I say so,

so end of story!

In return for which...

I split the idol with you 50-50.

I... Wait, no, I'd split it with you 50-50.

It comes out the same.

Yeah, but... W-Wait, what?

You, me, and the idol makes three.

What do you say?

Wait, what are they saying?

- Nothing. - No,

what are you talking about?

- Nothing! - Okay! God!

There are no Gods!

Will you idiots hold it down?

Mon Dieu!

Jesus, loud much?

Are you trying to attract apex predators?

Oh, please.

I just wiped out a literal Goddamn boatload

of Nazi stormtroopers.

Doesn't get much more apex than that.

All right, Mr. Tough Guy,

you don't have to chuckle menacingly.

What? I wasn't!

Holy shit, look!

There it is!

Okay, so just so we're all on the same page...

we're walking into an active volcano.

Well, that's where the idol is, so...

I was double-checking, Noah!

I don't know why you make me so furious.

For me, it's his face.

*ARCHER (2009) Season 09 Episode 08

Episode Title: "Danger Island: A Discovery"

Sync corrections by srjanapala

Oh! Oh, come on!

Put your backs into it!

If I put my back in any more,

it's gonna come gooshin' out my front.

Oui, c'est impossible. I give up.

- How French. - You know...

So, what, we just sit here

and wait for a clue from a Goddamn thrush?

Pff, thrushes.

Uh, What are you talking about?

Like at the portal of Erebor?

Uh...

Jesus, dummy, in "The Hobbit"!

- The what? - Wait, what?

- Seriously? - Holy shit, that's right!

He's been on this crummy island four years,

so he's never heard of "The Hobbit."

Which, as we all know, was published

just last year, in 1937!

So what is it, a motion picture or...

Damn it, bird!

- It's a book! - It's the book!

It's got dwarves. It's got goblins.

It's got wizards. It's got, um...

- Hobbits? - Hobbits!

Huh. You guys don't really

strike me as readers, especially of fantasy.

That's because you're an asshole.

Might I make a suggestion?

I know what you're gonna say, Mother,

but even if we had enough people

to act out the book, we don't have time.

Yeah, it's long as shit.

I don't see that as a negative.

I don't know, all those songs?

- Eh. - Well, as stupid as this is,

I was going to suggest pulling on the door?

God damn it.

Lucky guess. Okay, let's see here.

Um...

- Noah! - Y-Yeah?

You're on point, buddy.

Wunderbar.

Those damn fools are going to lead me

straight to the idol...

And themselves straight to hell!

Are you crazy?

It's pitch-black down there!

Noah, if I have to ask you again,

it's gonna be in the form of a shove.

But...

What the...

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Noah, go open the door.

How? I can't even see my hand in front of my face!

Well, then I guess you can't...

See my fists

swinging around like a Goddamn windmill

as I walk toward you, so...

Ow!

- Oh. - God damn it!

- Did I get you? - What do you think?

- Seriously? - Moron.

Oh, come on, I was trying to hit Noah!

For the love of God, will...

- There is no... - Ow!

Now will someone... open... the door?

Okay, God!

Ooh!

I think the floor did that.

Well, it should make this a lot easier.

What, a floor that when you step on it,

random shit happens?

Yeah, so I guess everybody watch your step.

Uh, that's it?

Um...

watch your step and shut up?

Oh, and I guess try not to bunch up.

Sauf toi, Doudou. Reste à côté de moi!

Doudou?

- Doudou! - Where'd he go?

Oh, it's just like the ponies.

Ah, ho, hoh! Oh, man.

That's Hobbit as balls!

We must go back!

We cannot just leave Doudou!

Well, not to split hairs,

but he left us, so...

- Jesus Christ! - Now what?

Noah, what the shit was that?

Well, I'm not a volcanologist...

And glad of it, am I right?

But the Mua Mua were always talking about how Tarako

was way overdue to erupt.

- Bad news. - Great.

Oh, how would a bunch of cannibals know?

Oral tradition?

And, you know, technically,

now you're all cannibals, so...

I had one little kebab!

What were we supposed to do, insult them?

Plus, I was pretty hungry.

Can we just pick a direction?

Well, they're both pretty well lit...

- I say we turn back. - Quel choc.

Then go! Nobody's stopping you!

Fine!

Quoi?

Merde.

So... left?

- I don't care. - Lefty loosey.

Okay, and was it just me,

or when that big rumble happened,

was everybody for a second like, "Oh, my God, Smaug"?

Yes! Right?

- Who? - Oh, my God!

It's like...

He's got no frame of reference.

Smaug, dickhead!

The fire-breathing dragon who lives under the mountain!

Whoa.

- God damn it. - Um...

So when you say "way overdue"...

I don't know, 10 years? 10,000?

So either way, probably not great.

Ugh! Look.

It's a dead end!

Damn it, I said we should go right!

No, you didn't!

Well?

Okay, so let's double back.

No, look, I think there's a door here!

- Where? - And-And some crazy

cannibal cartoons...

Petroglyphs!

What do they say?

Um... uh...

- Noah! - Okay.

It says this is the temple of the fire God Tarako,

guarded by the tupua.

There's a powerful curse...

Which the Mua Mua already told me about, so, uh...

That's pretty good.

- What? - What does it say?

Well, it's a pun.

It makes a play on the word for "curse"

but also the word for "soup,"

but it's more like a stew, I guess, like, um...

Oh, we don't really have a word for it in Engl... ow!

We do have a word for it! "Stew"!

Does it say how to open the door?

- Yeah, it says "push." - Idiot.

Wait, so do we want to talk about this curse or...

What?

- Ooh! - Ooh! - Ooh! - Ooh! - Ooh!

Huh.

Well? Where's the damn idol?

Um... Noah?

- I don't kn... - Ow!

Then what the hell good are you?

I got us in the door, didn't I?

I think it's safe to assume

we would've tried pushing on it.

Maybe eventually, but...

No, no, it's gotta be here!

- Come on, help me look. - Okay.

- Looking. I'm looking. - All right.

Well, if you find a bar,

I'll take a mai tai, hold the fruit juice.

- What the... - Uh...

Whoa! Look! Check it out!

- Is it a bar? - Why...

- would it be a bar? - Why wouldn't it?

This whole place is like a prehistoric Trader Vic's.

Ooh, I think her totem pole did it!

Uh, actually, totem poles are indigen... ow!

Holy shit! Pam, sit on that one.

Reynaud, sit on yours!

Okay, uh, lady whose life I ruined!

Oh, my God, I forgot about that.

- It's working! - Look at that.

- Voilà! - Noah! Princess!

Come on, go, go, go!

Holy shit! It's a giant emerald!

- That is awesome. - Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Wait a minute. Do emeralds glow in the dark?

No... but uranium does.

- Uranium? - What?

Seriously? I bet uranium's worth

a jillion times more than emeralds!

- Sterling, wait! - What?

- It's radioactive! - Oh, of course.

That's what the whole "death soup" thing was about.

God damn it, Noah!

The Mua Mua legend says anybody

who touches the idol starts puking

and shitting blood and then, uh, melts.

Now you tell us?

Also, ew?

Come to think of it,

I don't know how anybody could've carved it.

Why would those cannibals let us come all this way

to find the damn thing if they knew it would kill us?

I really can't stress

how much they hate white people.

Even after we ate Nazis together?

Oh, yeah. I bet

they're laughing their well-toned asses off.

Well, then they're not really our friends.

- Wow. - Had to be said.

Okay, so how do we get it out of here

without shitting ourselves to death?

- How can we do this? - Um... - I don't know.

Lead!

- Um... - So stupid.

Like when you get an X-ray!

Hey, that's right! Lead's a natural radiation shield!

Hey, he's right!

He's right?

- Yeah, you heard the man. - Ugh!

So where are we going to find

enough lead in this place to wrap it up?

Perhaps I can help.

No, thank you!

Merde!

Ugh!

We got company!

Late. Stupid.

Hey, Fritz! You got company!

God damn it.

You are powerless against ueber-Fuchs!

So hey, after we get outta here...

You think we're gonna live through this?

Why wouldn't we?

- Reloading! - Firing!

What the...

God... damn it!

It's not often you find a primitive people

who understand the callback.

Oh! Aw, crap.

I gotta rewrite my thesis.

Son of a...

Ha-ha!

How do you like them apples?

Ow!

I don't like those apples at all!

Right? Could things get any worse?

Maybe I am a Goddess!

Ow!

Thank you!

Was ist los?

Holy shit, look!

- Shit! - Well, shit.

Check it out! Lava!

Oh, I wonder if that's what the petroglyphs meant

by "death soup."

Oh, yeah, kinda makes sense.

I mean, if you think abo... ow!

Guys, come on, that's dangerous.

Yes, fools!

Cower before me!

Just like the world will cower before the German Reich

once we have the idol!

Says who?

Says mein Fuehrer, Adolf Hitler!

The idol is pure uranium!

And with it, we will construct a Wunderwaffe

with the power to destroy entire cities!

Typical.

- Of what? - I don't know, Nazis?

Oh, for the... Will you do something?

Like what, play "Dem Bones" at him?

Oh, great, now that's stuck in my head.

Look! He's empty too!

Well, yeah, but...

Damn!

He's still a giant robot.

- Seriously? - Yeah, look at him.

So you're not gonna do anything?

Well, I'm no good to us dead.

What good are you alive?

And what do you think you're doing?

I... have company.

God damn it.

Well...

Pam!

- No! - No! - No! - No! - No!

Sterling!

That... was your plan?

It worked, didn't it?

- I mean... - Get off me, you fool!

Shut up!

Somebody do something!

I will go for help!

Merci, asshole!

Not a problem!

Archer, it's too heavy!

I can't hang on!

Hang on!

No, that's what I'm saying.

I'm saying it like "give me a second."

Yeah, I get that,

- but... - Jesus Christ, will you shut up?

Nein, nein, nein! What are you doing?

Sending you...

Sterling!

To hell!

Nein!

- No! - Sterling!

Oh, for the love of God!

This actually... weighs the same.

I realize that, idiot!

Oh, I'm the idiot?

I mean...

What! Wait! No, no, no!

Archer, no! Hang on!

Oh, hey, Princess!

Listen... listen, if we ever meet again...

- Sterling, no! - Don't let go!

Just remember this...

we were this close to banging.

No, we weren't.

Yes, we... were!

Sterling!

Nein!

This close.

Oh.

Oh, oh.

Oh, for the... Come on, seriously?

What, you couldn't find a snow globe?

Oh, quit your bitching.

Good morning... Mother!

Shut up.