Original subtitles

Negative. No sign.

PILOT: Wait a second. I think I got him.

You know...

you could put somebody's eye out with that thing.

We airlifted out the last passengers, Ace. We're heading out.

What about the animal cargo?

Don't worry about it. It's just one little raccoon. If I were you, I'd turn back.

Yeah? Well, if you were me, then I'd be you, and I'd use your body to get to the top.

You can't stop me, no matter who you are.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Loser.

Loo-s-e-r.

(GRUNTING)

(CHIRPING)

Hungry, fella?

(BURPING)

That ought to hold you for a while.

(GRUNTING)

(CHATTERING)

That's okay, Spike. There's nothing more we can do.

(RACCOON SCREECHING)

Look, Spike.

(SCREECHING)

Do not fret, my little woodland friend, for your life is in the hands of Ace Ventura...

Pet Detective.

(SCREECHING)

Whatever you do...

(GRUNTING)

...don't look down.

(SQUEAKING)

(GASPS)

- (ACE SCREAMING, GRUNTING) - (RACCOON SQUEAKING)

Hang on! Hang on, little buddy!

I got you. I think I got you.

Uh, maybe not. You're slipping.

- (SCREECH) - Don't let go!

(ECHOING) No!

(PANTING)

Oh.

Oh.

My goodness.

(GASPS)

Well, hello. Yes.

Well, now, that was quite a shock.

It's, um... It's extremely nice to meet you.

Now, my name is Fulton Greenwall, and I am looking for an Ace Ventura.

No man here carries with him...

- a label. - What?

Oh, yes. No names. How silly of me.

Well, um, he's an American.

We are all children of the same life force.

Yes, of course we are. Well, uh... he bends over,

- and he speaks from his rear. - Oh, him.

Right this way.

He came to us a broken man.

He had lost the will to sustain his existence.

Yes. I heard about that unfortunate accident with the raccoon.

It was terrible for him,

but the life force once again smiled upon him.

He's now at peace.

- (SHEEP BLEATING) - (LION PURRS)

I will wait here.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(GROWL)

(BOTH SCREAM)

Oh! Oh!

- (WHISPERING) I must apologize. - Quite. Well, uh, um, no harm done.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Fulton Greenwall.

I was sent here to employ your services in the retrieval of a lost animal.

Now, can you help us?

Your request is not unlike your lower intestine...

- stinky and loaded with danger. - We can pay you handsomely.

I am now a child of light. Your earthly money holds no appeal to me.

Twenty thousand dollars.

Re-eh-eh-eh-eh-eeaaly!

No.

I cannot, for I am sorely needed...

here...

at the Ashram.

If I may interject! We are short of space,

and it's important for you to use your talents.

Let me help you pack.

(CAT MEOWS)

But I am yet to attain omnipresent supergalactic oneness.

No. Wait.

There it is. You've just attained it.

- I have? - Yes. Just now.

You are one.

I can see it in your eyes.

You're more one than anyone.

What about my medallion of spiritual accomplishment?

Take mine.

This took you 80 years to achieve.

That's ok. I don't like it anymore. Really.

In the light of this personal sacrifice you've made...

I have no choice...

(WHISPERING) ...but to take the case.

Great! I'll go tell the others!

Master...

(SHEEP BLEATING)

...break it to them gently.

- (CORK POPS) - (LAUGHING)

(ALL CHEERING & LAUGHING)

I've never seen them act like that before. Denial can be an ugly thing.

Well, we should go, Mr. Ventura. I've arranged a plane.

I'll meet you at the bottom.

There's still one more thing I must do before I go.

Isn't this incredible?

It's going to be some kind of a record.

ACE: ♪ Everyone loves a slinky ♪

♪ You got to get a slinky Slinky, slinky ♪

♪ Go, slinky, go! ♪♪

Oh, man!

Can you believe it?

It was right there!

Can I do it one more time?

Please forgive me, sir, but if we don't hurry now, we might miss the plane.

Of course. How selfish of me.

Let's do all the things that you want to do.

(ACE IMITATING MOOSE CALL)

Canadian moose during mating season.

And now...

a yak.

(ACE IMITATING YAK CALL)

Peanut?

Yes. I have one right here. It's bulky, but I consider it carry-on.

Peanut.

Oh, I see. (CHUCKLES)

If we can get back to business, Mr. Ventura?

The Wachati are a peaceful tribe.

Since their sacred animal has vanished,

they believe that there is a curse fallen on their village.

It all started some time ago...

So the daughter of the Wachati chief

is set to wed the first son of the Wachootoo tribe,

and the sacred animal was offered as dowry for the marriage.

But if it is not recovered, the result will be

the merciless slaughter of the Wachatis.

Uh, Mr. Ventura?

Mr. Ventura!

(IMITATING WILLIAM SHATNER) There's... someone on the wing...

some... thing.

(NORMAL VOICE) I'm sorry. What were you saying?

The daughter of the Wachati chief

is set to wed the first son of the Wachootoo tribe.

(SINGING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)

Spectacular.

This land holds great beauty.

How far to the crime scene?

Well, I've been instructed to bring you first to the consulate,

which should be beyond those trees on the other side of the jungle,

so we'll have to circle around...

(LAUGHS)

Oh, no!

Steering's a little loose.

Ah! Alignment's off, too.

Mr. Ventura!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

♪ Oh, you, pretty Chitty Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang we love you ♪

♪ And our pretty Chitty Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang loves us, too ♪

♪ Hi ho ♪

♪ Everywhere we go, on Chitty Chitty we depend ♪

♪ Bang bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang our fine, four-fendered friend ♪

♪ Bang bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang our fine, four-fendered ♪

♪ Chitty Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Chitty Bang Bang, yeah! ♪

♪ Chitty ♪♪

- Oh, there's the consulate. - Oh, thank God.

If I can just find a parking spot.

Perhaps we should slow down just a teensy-weensy bit.

Nonsense, poopy pants.

- We're going a bit fast! - (ACE LAUGHING)

Really! Look out!

(LAUGHING)

Like a glove.

You might want to think about getting this baby detailed.

Oh, no. The consulate general's car.

MAN: Down, Boba. That's it. Down.

- (TRUMPETS) - Yes. Good.

(HORSE WHINNIES)

(NEIGHS)

ACE: Come on, man.

(HORSE GRUNTS)

(HORSE GRUNTS)

Whoa.

Mr. Ventura, so looking forward to your arrival.

(YELPS)

Funny, it didn't seem that painful when you were doing it to the horse.

(LAUGHS) Uh, sir, Mr. Ventura has an affinity for animals.

Shall we?

Shalln't we?

Tell me, Mr. Ventura, just how good are you?

You're an extreme workaholic.

You recently returned from a short trip to Gotan in Northern Africa,

and upon your return, you more than likely took a nasty spill because of some...

shoddy masonry work.

Very impressive. Might one ask how?

Surely.

(INHALES)

The abrasion on the palm of your left hand

is the type one sustains breaking a fall of 3 to 5 feet.

The small remnants of plaster on the tip of your shoe

pointed to a careless Mason being the culprit.

Your new watch, a quality forgery of a Cartier, was most likely purchased

through the north African black market, known to reside in Gotan.

(INHALES)

- And my work habits? - Yes. A workaholic.

The urine stain on your pants would signify that you're a single-shake man,

far too busy for the follow-up jiggle.

Brilliant, Mr. Ventura. Simply brilliant.

Spank you, Greenwall. Spank you very much.

Mr. Ventura, we've been coexisting quite nicely with the native cultures

for the past 200 years. They're almost like family at this point.

Are they?

It is imperative that we recover the sacred animal.

If not, the peaceable Wachatis will assuredly be obliterated.

The Wachootoos are bloodthirsty.

They consider its disappearance both an insult and a curse.

(BABBLING)

Do I have something in my teeth?

MAN: Ah, Cadby! Lovely brunch, I must say.

Quinn. I'd like you to meet Ace Ventura.

This is Burton Quinn. He owns and operates Quinnland Safari Park.

Most call me Quinn.

Say hello, Tinky.

Pleasure, Tinky. Corvus corax. Common raven. The smartest of all birds.

Rare in these parts. (GASPS)

Excuse me.

That's quite a wrap you're wearing.

Perhaps I could get you some fluffy new slippers

made from the heads of innocent and defenseless baby seals.

Who is this ghastly man?

Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. And...

you must be the monopoly guy.

Hey.

(WHISPERING) Thanks for the free parking.

Another activist, Maguire.

- Activist. Yes. - (BOTH LAUGHING)

"Activist. Yes." (MOCKING LAUGHTER)

Mr. Ventura,

there's nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of nature.

You should try it sometime.

Alrighty, then.

(WOMAN GASPS)

You know something? You're right.

(INHALES, HUMMING)

Mwah!

Mm-hm, ha.

- (ALL GASP) - (HUMMING CONTINUES)

Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

(WOMAN GASPS)

It's lovely, but I fancy myself an autumn.

(MURMURING)

If you've quite finished, Mr. Ventura,

we might make for the projection room, Greenwall.

Kooky.

Mr. Ventura, I'd like you to meet Hitu, chief of tribal security in the province.

Please!

Don't... get up.

At this point, we don't have any leads,

but we've had similar problems in the past.

Oh, heh.

Sorry.

(IMITATES GUNSHOT, LAUGHING)

CADBY: This is Derrick McCane.

Spotted several times in the province in the past year,

Mr. McCane makes a handsome living from rare and endangered species. Hitu.

CADBY: Now, these two are Australians. The bald one is Mick Katie.

The other is said to have been raised by aborigine...

Aborigines. The natives call him...

(ACE SNARLING)

Call him Gahjii The Hunter.

(SNARLING CONTINUES)

Both are known poachers and have been seen in the area!

Mr. Ventura! This wedding ceremony is going to take place in four days.

I cannot have bloodshed in my province! We are counting on you!

(ACE MIMICKING RADIO TUNER)

(ACE HONKING)

ACE: Hi ho, silver! Away!

I've assigned Greenwall to assist you.

Before you go, Mr. Ventura,

there's something I'd like to show you, something you might enjoy.

As one animal lover to another.

(GASPING, SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING, LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Something wrong, Mr. Ventura?

(INHALES)

Of course not. This is a lovely room of death.

Take care, now. Bye-bye, then.

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)

ACE: Down, Boba.

(FULTON SCREAMING)

FULTON: Mr. Ventura, how could you?

Oh!

(ACE MIMICS GUN COCKING THEN SHOOTING)

Now, Mr. Ventura, I think the village is roughly about a mile ahead.

Excellent. Flat tire.

(LAUGHS)

I think this joke has run its course, don't you?

Certainly. I prostrate myself before you and beg your forgiveness.

Don't get me wrong. I mean, I do enjoy the occasional prank.

It's just that my heel is getting rather raw.

We love you, dark continent! Good night!

(ANIMAL GROWLING)

Listen.

(ANIMAL GROWLING)

The majestic song of the male silverback gorilla.

I think we should move along. It's their mating season,

and they can get rather hostile.

♪ Wee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee ♪

♪ Dee, owimoweh ♪

♪ Owimoweh, owimoweh, Owimoweh, owimoweh ♪

♪ Owimoweh, owimoweh... ♪♪

Oh. Oh, excuse me, Mr. Ventura. I have to rest.

- Of course you do! - Oh.

The Wachatis believe they draw their power from these caves,

but they now live in fear since the vanishing of their sacred bat.

Bat?

What? Bat?

The one we're here to find, Mr. Ventura.

You didn't say anything about a bat.

- What's the difference? - What's the difference?

Have you ever seen a bat? They're hideous.

Lifeless beady eyes, clawed feet, huge, grotesque wings, even fangs.

(MIMICS BAT SQUAWKING)

They give you rabies, you know. (SHIVERS)

Yes. Quite. I see your point. But are you saying that you won't take the case?

No. As a being of light, I must show compassion

- for all the living things of nature. - Good.

I'm not touching it, though.

No, spank you.

(SINGING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)

FULTON: The Wachati are a peaceful people. They find all forms of life sacred.

I like them already.

Bumbawae atuna. Bumbawae atuna.

Hi there. Nice to see you. Bumblebee tuna. Bumblebee tuna.

- (ALL GASP) - Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.

How are you this afternoon? Alrighty, then.

Excuse me. (WHISPERING) Your balls are showing.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Bumblebee tuna.

FULTON: They have lived in the same state for thousands of years.

They did not know about disease until the white man came.

(SNEEZES, SIGHS)

(SNIFFLE) What's going on over here?

Oh, yes. Now, all young Wachati warriors

must face five days of balance and concentration.

Should he lose his focus and fall, he must start all over again.

Earthquake test.

(ALL GASPING)

He's good. With my help, he could be the best.

Maybe we should see the chief, Mr. Ventura. This way.

Neat-o!

(SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)

The chief says he knew you would come.

Libby libby wa!

Chim chiminy chim chim cher-oo!

Hey! (ARF)

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Uh, the chief says he has not understood the dialect you're using.

Tell him I'm happy to meet him and that his sacred...

bat is as good as found.

(SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)

Oh, my goodness. The chief really seems to like you. I mean,

that is a great sign of affection in the Wachati tribe.

Re-eh-eh-eh-eh-eeaaly!

FULTON: Oh, this is the chief's son, Ouda.

The missionaries came through and taught him a spot of English.

I like you.

(LAUGHS)

(WHISPERING) My...

Aren't I the popular one?

Allow me to display my affection.

(SNORTING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING, INHALES)

It is the mucus that binds us.

(CHUCKLES) A bubo obe.

The chief says that the sacred hut is over there.

How did they get past the guard?

FULTON: Uh, well, I'm afraid he was found shortly after... sleeping.

At ease, soldier. We all make mistakes.

Quite an auspicious dwelling for a filthy flying weasel.

Alla Shikaka!

Please, Mr. Ventura. That is sacred ground.

I'm sorry, but only the Wachati are allowed to step there.

Hey... Take it easy.

I'm the loogie guy, remember?

(SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)

Y-yes, yes, chief. Thank you.

Dalu. Thank you.

The chief says unless the sacred bat is returned before the marriage of the princess,

the entire Wachati tribe will meet their death.

What type of bat are we talking about here?

The great white bat, of course.

- Corpus kilochiroptera? - Yes, but to the natives...

Shikaka.

(GASPS)

Shikaka?

Shikaka!

(CHUCKLES)

Shikasha! Ahh!

Shh... Shish kebab.

Shh... Shawshank redemption. Chicago!

You're... out of there!

Go on. You're gone. Go on!

- (DRUMS PLAYING) - (WACHATIS CHANTING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(HUMMING)

Were you going to eat these?

(LAUGHING LIKE FREDDY KRUEGER)

Ace.

Oh.

I've got to inspect that cage.

Mmm! My, my, my.

This fruit paste is delicious.

- And the pottery is lovely. - It's made from guano.

Guano? That sounds so familiar.

Bat droppings.

(GAGGING)

Guano is the chief resource of the Wachati.

They use it to make many things in the village.

Yummy.

FULTON: Oh. Now, this is really fascinating. This is a great Wachati tradition...

the virgin's dance of seduction.

ACE: I am now a holy man. I think of women only as the mothers of our children.

They are a sanctuary for the reproductive organs,

a temple to house the miracle of procreation.

Do you have a dollar?

(MUSIC SPEEDS UP)

Oh! Thank you so much. I've not danced in years.

(ALL CHEERING)

Hi.

Don't mind me. Sleep.

- (YAWNING) - Sleep.

Sleep.

Fee... fi...

fo... fum!

I smell... the fingerprints of scum!

Better dust the place.

Totally clean.

Not one damn clue.

Unless...

(SPITBALL SHOOTS)

(WHISPERING) Here she comes. Oh, boy. Holy, holy, holy, holy.

Good thoughts in, bad thoughts out. Good, bad, good, bad, good, good...

You have come to help us.

We are in great appreciation.

You...

speak English.

Yes. (LAUGHS)

The missionaries... they come with books.

Ah.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

You are very good with that. (LAUGHS)

It's incredibly accurate.

Care to try?

Not bad.

Try again. Relax your shoulders...

breathe... and release.

(GRUNTS)

There you go.

You make me smile.

And yet...

I am troubled.

You see...

the man my father wants me to marry...

I am worried I will not please him.

I...

(WHISPERING) I have never known a man.

I would love to help, but you see,

I have vowed to take a life of celibacy.

Well, perhaps this...

will assist your decision.

Those are very nice, but I'm a child of light... a pure spirit.

I am no longer encumbered by the appetites of the flesh.

Oh.

ACE: Oh, mama. Oh, mama.

Oh, mama. Oh, mama.

Oh, mama. Ooh, mama. Ooh, mama.

- I'm so sorry, Mr. Ventura... - (SCREAMS)

I...

(ACE PANTING)

That's ok.

I was just...

practicing my mantra.

Oh, uh, yes.

I thought you wanted to visit the sacred caves.

I do. Could you meet me outside in ten minutes?

- Mm-hmm. - If I don't finish my meditation...

I tend to get a little cranky.

- Take care, now. Bye-bye, then. - Bye. Bye.

Well, everything here seems good! Big load off my mind. Oh, God,

you can speculate all you want, you know, but unless you check it out for yourself,

you never know. We should head back now.

Don't you think you should investigate?

There's no reason to go in there... ever. I sense it as a holy man.

- But I thought you said... - ACE: It's dark!

I could fall into a precipice.

Here. Take this.

Spank you, Helpy Helperton.

(GRUNTS)

I am not afraid.

I am not afraid.

(GRUNTING)

I really like it here. Hmm!

(BAT SQUEAKS)

My medallion.

I will fear no living creature as long as I keep this near me.

(BAT SQUEAKS)

Take that, you winged spawn of Satan!

(MEDALLION HITS ROCK)

Oh! Mmm.

That's ok.

- All I really need is my torch. - (BAT SQUEAKS)

Die, devil bird! Aah!

(TORCH HITS ROCK)

I'm ok.

(BAT SQUEAKS)

(SCREAMING)

Get away!

They're in my hair!

They're in my hair! Agh! Oh!

Oh, God in heaven, help me!

Ace, there is nothing in your hair.

Exactly. I was merely running a drill.

Just as I suspected.

- Quinn. - What?

We met him at Cadby's soiree.

His bird is a raven named Tinky. I found that inside the cave.

Ace, now, you don't understand. Burton Quinn is a very powerful man.

Worry not, my brother...

For I...

am a master...

of disguises.

(CAW)

(GIBBERS)

♪ There's a man who leads a life of danger ♪

♪ To everyone he meets, he stays a stranger ♪

♪ Oh, with every move he makes, another chance he takes ♪

♪ Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow ♪

♪ Secret agent man, secret agent man ♪

♪ They've given you a number and taken away your name ♪

Eat up, guys. None of this animal goes to waste.

♪ Be careful what you say ♪

- ♪ Or you'll give yourself away ♪ - (GIBBERS)

♪ Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow ♪

♪ Secret agent man, secret agent man ♪

♪ They've given you a number and taken away your name ♪♪

QUINN: Ah, Mr. McCane.

How are you doing?

McCANE: I'm... I'm... I'm doing well, thank you.

(WHIRRING)

(GRUNT)

Don't mind me, Mr. Quinn.

I'm just a curious little rhino.

I appreciate your...

agreeing to undertake this.

- (GRUNTING) - (WHIRRING AND BEEPING)

Meeting secretly with sinister types much?

Ah, not too much. Ah, much too much.

(FAN STOPS)

(CIRCUITRY SIZZLES)

(SIGHING)

I'll pay your fee... the sum we've agreed upon.

Kind of hot in these rhinos.

(SIGHS)

Warm!

(SIGHS)

I had a dog, and his name was... Bingo!

Oh, time to get some oxygen.

(WHISPERING) Oh, no.

Come on!

(SNAP)

(GRUNTING)

(GASPING)

Mayday!

- (ALARM BEEPING) - (AIR HISSING)

(COUGHING)

Must... have... air!

(GROANING)

(CARS APPROACHING)

Come on, girls.

(WHISPERING) Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet. Look. Take a look.

(ACE GROANING)

WOMAN: Oh, look. The mother rhino is giving birth.

Oh, God.

Mommy!

(GRUNTING)

Cool!

- Go, Annie! Get out of here! - Get in the jeep! Quick, girls! Get in!

- Welcome to Quinnland. - (ROAR)

And you, too, my friend.

(CHUCKLES)

Ah, yes. Ah, yes. I know you'll be happy here.

(GROWL)

Huh! Ah!

Well, how did you get out, little fella?

(CHUCKLES)

You're a cute little devil, aren't you?

What's that you got there?

(SCREECHING)

(SCREAMS)

(SPIKE GIBBERS)

(GROANING)

ACE: Where's the bat?

What is this about? Who are you?

(GERMAN ACCENT) Where is the bat?

I know who you are. I met you at Cadby's!

You're that... Ventura fella!

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Last chance!

Where is that darn bat?

What are you going to do?

What are you going to do?

Whatever I have to to get some answers.

(QUINN GASPING)

(SCRAPING)

(GROANING)

Stop that! Stop it! Stop that!

You'd like me to stop that, wouldn't you, hmm? Getting to you, hmm?

I'll never tell you anything.

(STOPS SCRAPING)

ACE: Ooh...

A tough guy, huh?

I know what to do with tough guys.

Wheee!

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

No!

My brother used to do that to me!

Oh, you sadistic bastard! Stop it! Stop it!

- All right, I'll talk! - Spill it!

I paid Derrick McCane to find the bat.

(GROANS)

I thought it could be an attraction. Business has been a bit off lately.

So...

you don't know who...

- took the bat? - Neither does McCane!

Ok.

I'm going to untie you now...

But before I do, I want you to know that I'm really, truly, very...

Sorry!

(GRUNTS)

(SPIKE GIBBERS)

Appreciate the lift! We'll walk from here.

Shikaka!

Ok, Quinn is out of the picture. We have no more suspects or clues,

but I have instincts, Spike, and my instincts tell me we're getting closer.

I can feel it. I can feel it like it's right...

in my neck! Run!

(WHIMPERING)

(GIBBERS)

(SCREAMS)

Starting to get numb!

(ACE GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

Three darts is too much.

(GASPING)

(PANTING)

I think I lost them.

Hey!

(GROANS)

(GIGGLES)

(IMITATING BLANCHE DUBOIS) Flowers... for me?

I do declare, Mr. Beauregard.

You are my hero.

Was I...

- talking in my sleep? - You've been suffering hysteria.

It's a natural reaction to the poison in these darts.

Water.

Guano bowls.

Collect the whole set.

Ace, did you see the shooter?

Only their feet. Not enough for a positive I.D.

That is the dart of the Wachootoo shaman.

- The Whaty Whatan? - The Wachootoo shaman, or medicine man,

has openly protested against the intertribal wedding.

Has he?

- But you do not speak Wachootoo. - I go with you.

Yes. Ouda will be my interpreter.

Ace!

Now, please take care. The Wachootoo are a savage tribe.

If they catch you, they'll show no mercy.

Worry not, my brother.

I will be as a fly on the wall, a grain of salt in the ocean.

I will slip amongst them like a transparent...

thing.

- (DRUMS BEATING) - (PEOPLE SHOUTING)

ACE: The sacred bat has got to be in one of those huts,

but we'll never know until I can walk freely among them.

"Wunderbar!" He exclaimed with great relish.

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(MAKING FLATULENT NOISES)

(GRUNTING)

Come on, girls! Show them what you got! Oh! Big finish!

(SHOUTING)

(DRUMS AND CHANTING STOP)

I'm sure it's fine. Ouda is probably going for help right now.

Hello, Ace!

They found me. No sweat!

Don't beat yourself up.

(SCREAMING)

You know,

gingivitis is the number-one cause of all tooth decay.

Equinsu ocha!

- What does equinsu ocha mean? - White devil.

- Well, tell them I'm not. - I've only met you. How do I know?

Equinsu ocha! Equinsu ocha!

- He said... - Let me guess. "White devil, white devil"?

Yes. You speak Wachootoo?

Tell them what I'm saying.

I come in peace!

Equinsu ocha uza inkosazana.

(MURMURING)

I couldn't help but notice that equinsu ocha part.

- Did you just refer to me as white devil? - This how they know you.

Leave that part out from now on.

I represent the princess!

(MURMURING)

War... is hell.

The last thing we want...

is a fight.

(ALL YELL)

(SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)

The chief said, if you pass all Wachootoo tests, you do not die.

Kooky.

♪ Ooh, abba wah, ay bay abba wah ♪

♪ Abba wah, ay bay abba wah ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh Bay abba wah ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh Bay abba wah ♪

(CHEERING)

Yeah!

♪ You can make me out to be a fool ♪

♪ Even say I lost my mind ♪

♪ I know in my heart there's no room ♪

♪ You're the one I need to find ♪

♪ Sometimes at night, I feel alone ♪

♪ And I know I need someone ♪

(ALL SHOUTING)

♪ To hold my hand and carry me home ♪

♪ My ancestor, I'm lost in the storm ♪

♪ Abba I'm what you need ♪

♪ Abba I lean on you ♪

♪ Abba I have my faith in you ♪

♪ Abba Let me call your name ♪

- ♪ Abba, I'm what you need ♪ - (LAUGHS)

♪ Abba Let me see your face ♪

♪ Abba Take me to your place ♪

♪ Abba ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh Bay abba wah ♪

♪ Bay abba wah ♪♪

(WHOOPS)

Ahh...

My entrance to the winner's circle.

Your admiration is well-founded, but I'm merely a servant.

Do not worship me!

(SCREAMS THEN GRUNTS)

(SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)

Chief says you have passed all tests but one.

Only left is Wachootoo circle of death.

Funny... that's my specialty.

(GROWLING)

This is it? I have to beat him?

(CHUCKLES)

(GROWLING)

(SHRIEKING)

(SHRIEKING)

(SCREAMS) Alrighty, then.

I must tell you...

I do not wish to fight you.

(GROWLS)

Violence is no longer in my nature, but if you want it, you got it, sister!

(YELPS)

Biting, I see.

I was unaware that the Wachootoos...

were biters!

Well, why don't you try this on and see how it fits?

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

Ace...

He much better fighter than you.

Doii!

(LAUGHING)

Equinsu ocha!

(ALL CHEERING)

All right! This white devil thing has gone far enough.

Nobody messes with the "do"!

(COUGH)

Equinsu ocha...

(SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)

He said sorry, white devil, but he must kill you now.

(GRUNTS)

I'll have you know I have the reflexes of a cat and the speed of a mongoose.

Throw it. I dare you!

(YELLS)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Ouda, don't just stand there. Throw me a spear!

(SCREAMING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHS)

It's in the bone. It's in the bone.

It's in the bone.

(ALL LAUGHING)

- (ACE GROANS) - (YELLS)

(SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)

Chief says you make him laugh. You are like sissy girl.

(LAUGHING)

Sissy girl. (LAUGHS)

(SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)

Wachootoo chief say you friend to Wachootoo.

(SCOFFS)

(SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)

But if curse of shikaka not lifted by tomorrow's sun at top of sky,

Wachootoo kill all Wachati and smash your head on a rock.

Super. Take care, now. Bye-bye, then.

Ok. Take care. Super. Bye-bye, then.

Are your legs sore? Do you want me to carry you?

ACE: That won't be necessary, my friend.

I have an incredibly high threshold for pain. Ah, holy monkey!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Ace, why you stopped?

The Wachootoo didn't take shikaka.

Hi. Welcome back.

- What would you say this is? - Dart of Wachootoo shaman.

Precisely. And when compared to one of the darts that hit me before?

Same.

Only to the untrained eye.

You see, the Wachootoo dart is made of wood from a mimosa tree,

while the other dart is carved from a red fungus-bearing acalla.

And there's only one area of the jungle with red fungus-bearing acallas.

Go back to the village. Tell them the Wachootoos attack tomorrow at noon.

Ok.

This little hound dog just picked up a scent.

(INHALES)

Won't be long now, Katie.

Big night tonight. You're going to meet your new owner.

G'day. Disgusting rat. (HISS)

- (LAUGHING) - (SCREECHING)

Gravy.

(GORILLA GRUNTING)

Did you hear that?

- What is it? - Silverback.

(ROARING)

(GIBBERS)

Female.

- Big. - Yeah?

About 200 meters...

south.

- We'd get $5,000 for one of those. - What about the rat?

Don't worry about the rat. We'll be back in no time.

GAHJII: Stay downwind.

ACE: Bleah! (WHISPERING) You're even uglier than I thought.

(SCREECHING)

GAHJII: She's a big one, isn't she?

- (BLOW DART) - (ACE GROANS)

Huh?

Oh, boy. Deciduous trees lining the riverbank.

Suman shrubs with extreme protococcus. Steadily increasing water current.

Spike, I think we can assume the stream gets pretty rough up ahead.

As soon as I get you loose, Spike, you can chew through my ropes.

That's it! That's it!

- (SCREECHING) - Yes! Your turn.

All right! Yes!

(GIBBERS)

Hey! Spike! Spike!

Spike!

(SCREECHING)

Spi...

(GURGLING, SCREAMING)

...ike!

(GASPS)

I'm alive.

(LAUGHING)

I'm alive!

Yee-haw! Yee-haw!

Say "Uncle"! Say "Uncle"!

Oh, no.

Don't start what you can't finish!

(GRUNTS)

Quit hitting yourself. Quit hitting yourself. Quit hitting yourself.

Oh, water tastes good, yes.

Glub, glub!

(ACE GRUNTING)

This isn't over yet. There's something I've missed,

some clue I've overlooked, some motive, and that motive is...

Pluh! Think!

Somebody wants these two tribes to destroy each other.

There must be something valuable in this equation.

Perhaps we should meditate upon it, Spike,

for it is said that when seeking answers, one must...

quiet the soul in order to hear them.

What is it the Wachatis possess that is of great value to other men...

besides the princess with the amazing rack.

(INHALES)

(HUMMING)

♪ Alrighty, then

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

♪ Alrighty, then ♪♪

(CHANTING)

Oh, Ace. You're back?

You can dispense with the smallpox, all-knowing one.

I'm here on business, and time is of the essence.

Very well. What answer do you seek?

I need to know what it is the Wachatis possess

that is of great value to civilized man.

The medallion will lead you to the answer.

You do still have the medallion, don't you?

Medallion? Why... surely.

I left it back, uh... with my body.

Your aura is weakening.

Ok, I threw it in the cave! What do you want from me?

What are you, Mr. Perfect? You want to know where it is?

It's probably lying...

in a big pile of...

(GASP)

Guano!

They have guano!

Like...

a glove.

Hi, chief.

Appreciate your meeting me here.

Let's go kick some...

consulate butt.

Hello, Ace.

- You've come for your money? - Wrong again, Sweeney Toad.

I've come for the sacred bat. Where is it?

Why, Ace, whatever can you mean?

Guano. Hello.

Does "poo" ring a bell?

"Guano mines as a source of nitrate,

producing 84% of the world's supply of fertilizer, a $1.4 billion industry."

That's what this war is all about.

You can't legally take possession of the caves

as long as the Wachatis inhabit the area,

and you want that dookie so bad, you can taste it.

- But, sir, I thought that... - Yes. Thank you, Fulton.

That's a fine theory, Mr. Ventura. What has it got to do with me?

I thought you'd never ask.

(INHALES)

The day I met you, there was a white substance on your shoe that I mistook for plaster.

Yesterday, I saw the same white substance outside the hut where the bat was kept,

and suddenly it hit me. The great white bat has great white guano.

That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe!

And that explains the abrasion on your palm!

Let me run that back for you.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe!

And that explains the abrasion on your palm!

Damn, I'm good! Can you feel that, huh?

Can you feel it, captain compost?

The day of redemption is at hand!

(IMITATING CHARLTON HESTON) Repent!

And thou shall be saved.

Very good, Mr. Ventura.

Very good. I believe you've solved the case.

One thing I still don't understand, Mr. Belvedere.

If you are the slime behind this little flimflam,

why, oh, why did you hire me?

I'm afraid there's going to be a horrendous investigation after the war.

You were my alibi to prove I'd done everything I could to stop it.

Arrest him. Arrest him!

Please, arrest him.

Simon says, "arrest him."

(CHUCKLING)

(DOOR OPENS)

- (BAT SCREECHES) - (SHUDDERS)

I thought you loved all animals, Mr. Ventura.

(MOCKING) "I thought you loved all animals, Mr. Ventura."

Shall I stick him on the wall?

No. I don't think it'll be necessary, Gahjii.

Mr. Ventura here has very cleverly stolen the sacred bat of the Wachati.

Unfortunately, we were unable to recover it in time to stop the war.

Greenwall, hit the lights!

The switch on the wall beside you... go for it!

Flick it, quick!

Alrighty, then. Shall we go to jail?

Hey, what are you, H.R. Shove-n-stuff?

Get in!

Just one more thing...

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

What are you doing?

- (TRUMPETS) - (ACE SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Stop it! I said stop it!

- (TRUMPETS) - (SCREAMING)

(TRUMPETS)

To the jungle, Boba.

Friends, rodents,

quadrupeds,

lend me "your ears"!

(TARZAN YELL)

Imbecile! You let him get away.

Sir, you don't seem to understand. The entire tribe will be killed.

- Remind me to send a sympathy card. - We'll go and get the bastard.

Doesn't matter, Gahjii. There's nothing he can do now.

We've got the bat, and it's nearly noon.

(GROUND RUMBLING)

(LION ROARS)

(ZEBRA BRAYS)

(WATER BUFFALO BELLOWS)

What the hell is going on?

- (ELEPHANT TRUMPETS) - (SCREAMING)

(BOTH GRUNT)

(HICCUP)

(BELCH)

You see...

humans and animals can live in harmony.

Wow.

Sorry for the delay, Ace.

- (HORSE NEIGHS) - (COUGHING)

(LIKE TONY MONTANA) Hey, poachers!

Say hello to my stinky little friend.

(ALL SCREAM)

(BAT SQUAWKING)

(MONKEYS SCREECHING)

Get off, get off, get off.

Not so fast, Sally.

(SCREAMS) Get it away!

Shikaka!

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Aw, he wants to go off-road.

Uh, nobody wants to play with me.

(IMITATING TRUCK ENGINE) Loser!

Cadby! From the consulate, right?

This is weird.

(ACE WHISTLING)

(YELPING)

(CHUCKLES)

(SCREAMS)

(BAT SQUAWKING)

(SIGHS)

(ENGINE REVS)

(LION ROARS)

(SCREAMS)

Bleah.

Noon.

The Wachati.

(SCREECH)

The spirit will overcome.

The spirit will overcome.

Shikaka!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

(ALL SHOUTING)

(GASP)

Headhunters!

(ALL YELLING)

Wachootoo!

Shikaka!

(GASPING)

Pet Detective coming through. Clear a path, people!

Shikaka!

Equinsu ocha! Equinsu ocha!

(ALL SHOUTING)

(BAT SCREECHING)

(PANTING)

Yuck!

(PANTING)

(LAUGHING)

- (GORILLA GROWLS) - Huh?

♪ Wee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee ♪

- ♪ Dee, owimoweh ♪ - (WHIMPERS)

♪ Owimoweh, owimoweh, owimoweh, owimoweh ♪

♪ Owimoweh, owimoweh, owimoweh, owimoweh... ♪♪

(SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)

(IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

- (IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) - (ALL CHEERING)

They will now consummate the marriage under the witness of the tribe.

Well done, Ace. You must be extremely proud.

Pride is an abomination. One must forgo the self

to attain total spiritual creaminess and avoid the chewy chunks

of degradation.

(SHOUTING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)

What's that he's saying?

Well, I think he's saying she's not a virgin.

They can tell that?

Shikaka!

(ALL SHOUTING)

(ACE PANTING)

Shikaka!

♪ There is no political solution ♪

♪ To our troubled evolution ♪

♪ I have no faith in constitution ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ Just check this reggae revolution ♪

♪ We are spirits in the material world ♪

♪ Are spirits in the material world ♪

♪ Are spirits in the material world ♪

♪ Are spirits in the material world ♪

♪ Our so-called leaders speak ♪

♪ With words they try to jail you ♪

♪ What's the right? ♪

♪ They subjugate the meek ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ But it's the rhetoric of failure ♪

♪ We are spirits in the material world ♪

♪ Are spirits in the material world ♪

♪ Are spirits in the material world ♪

♪ Are spirits in the material world ♪

♪ Watch this ♪

♪ So come, come, come, every posse, come, come, come ♪

♪ Come, come listen to the words ♪

♪ Of Mr. P-A-T-O Banton ♪

♪ I must be a real gentleman in this material land ♪

♪ Spreading peace and love to each and every one ♪

♪ So PATO is your one from the radio station ♪

♪ I'm on the airwaves with positive vibration ♪

♪ Do you need spiritual education? ♪

♪ That's the only way they'll ever know their destination ♪

♪ We are spiritual, material ♪

♪ Yes, we are spiritual in this material world ♪

♪ Oh, oh, my, my ♪

♪ How easy I go ♪

♪ Oh, oh, my, my ♪

♪ Watch this ♪

♪ Where does the answer lie? ♪

♪ Living from day to day ♪

♪ And for something we can buy ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ There must be another way ♪

♪ We are spirits in the material world ♪

♪ Are spirits in the material world ♪

♪ Are spirits in the material world ♪

♪ Are spirits in the material world ♪

♪ We are spirits in the material world ♪

♪ Are spirits in the material world ♪

♪ Are spirits in the material world ♪

♪ Are spirits in the material world ♪♪

♪ Get down ♪

♪ Let me tell you about a friend of mine ♪

♪ His name's Boll Weevil, check him out ♪

♪ He spends all day on his big butt ♪

♪ And he don't ever, ever get outside ♪

♪ I come to visit I bring some sunshine ♪

♪ And I just spread it all over the fire ♪

♪ He's stuck on his big couch Stuck in his big shell ♪

♪ He looks at the TV, and he's all right ♪

♪ I come from the drug lord, the local drugstore ♪

♪ Bug is a fly, baby, he's never uptight ♪

♪ And I wonder ♪

♪ Boll Weevil, why don't you get out of your home? ♪

♪ He said, "I'm comfortable here" ♪

♪ "I don't want to move, I don't want to leave" ♪

♪ I said, "Boll Weevil, get right out of your home" ♪

♪ "Good-bye, I got to stay, I'll move some other day" ♪

♪ "Bye-bye, I got to go to sleep" And let the tube shine ♪

♪ Let the tube shine ♪

♪ Let the tube shine ♪

♪ Let the tube shine ♪

♪ Now, I would tell you about Boll Weevil ♪

♪ But that bug is just too scary He's sitting there all alone ♪

♪ I try to coax him out with chocolate pie ♪

♪ But he would not move a muscle And I tried ♪

♪ To make him see that the sun is shining outside ♪

♪ To make him see that the sun is shining outside ♪

♪ To make him see that the sun is shining outside ♪

♪ To make him see that the sun is shining outside ♪

♪ To make him see that the sun is shining outside ♪

♪ Check it out ♪

(HUMMING)

♪ Boll Weevil, get right out of your home ♪

♪ Boll Weevil, get right out of your home ♪

♪ Boll Weevil, get right out of your home ♪

♪ Boll Weevil, get right out of your home ♪

♪ Now, I would tell you about Boll Weevil ♪

♪ But that bug is just too scary He's sitting there all alone ♪

♪ I try to coax him out with chocolate pie ♪

♪ But he would not move a muscle And I tried ♪

♪ To make him see that the sun is shining outside ♪

♪ To make him see that the sun is shining out ♪

♪ Make him see the sun is shining outside ♪

♪ Make him see the sun is shining outside ♪

♪ Make him see the sun is shining outside ♪

♪ Make him see the sun is shining outside ♪

♪ Make him see the sun is shining outside ♪

♪ Make him see the sun is shining outside ♪

♪ Make him see the sun is shining outside ♪

♪ Make him see the sun is shining outside ♪

♪ Make him see the sun is shining outside ♪

♪ Make him see the sun, make him see the sun ♪

♪ Make him see the goddamn sun ♪♪

Come on, little buggy. There's a little bug.