All language subtitles for 1zero

- You are not just a mom.

You are a hot, hot,
single lady.

- Oh, god.
- Mom!

- Just a second, sweetie!

You are a well-educated
female person...

With a very big...

Set of tits.

- Mommy!
- Fuck me. Coming!

All right, momma's bringing in
the big board. Let's do this.

Gracie, do you have
your show-and-tell, honey?

Yes, you do. Good girl!

Will, buddy, helmet and pads?

Are those boys still giving you
a hard time at practice?

Okay, well, screw football.

How about glee club, huh?
Show tunes!

- Mommy, can we listen
to singing music
on the way to school?

- No, honey, I like to listen
to news in the morning.

- Can I play on your phone?
- Nope.

Amelia!

You know we don't do screams
before school.

He took his diaper off! Poop!

- Oh! Fuck!
- Poop!

- Good afternoon, Jen.

Gorgeous day we're having,
huh?

Got that sun dialed up to a 10.

- It is. It's so bright out,
do you really need
that flashlight?

- I probably wouldn't have seen
Greyson pick his nose

and wipe it on the back
of your seat without it, huh?
Don't worry. They all do it.

I got you.
- Oh.

- Hey!
- Shit!

- Owen is begging
for a play date with the boys.
You got to come over.

- Oh! Oh, hey,
this is the call I'm expecting.

Silent. It's on silent.

- Hey, Sally.

- Whoa, uh--
- orange cones, no phones.

- I was buying milk.
I'm out of milk.

- Well, there's a trader Joe's
right around the corner.

- Yeah, well,
i don't do markets, okay?

So please just give me
my phone, Melissa.

Uh, uh, melody.

I mean...
- It's Melanie, Kate.

God, we've been going to
the same school for five years?

- Just give me my phone, please,
Melanie.

Hey, what the...?

- Are those car seats
even installed properly?

And does this beauty
even have anti-lock brakes?

- Yes. Obviously it does.

And power windows.

- Seriously?

- We have a big day
and then teacher Sherry

witnessed Amelia offering
her spot on the green rug.

The empathy that displays,
Amelia, it's... it's profound.

Come on, you two get in here.

You both are settling in
beautifully

to your first month at school.
Aren't you?

- Yeah.
- Bit of a relief. Right?
- Yes.

All right, bug, come on.
Let's go get our stuff, huh?

- Have an amazing day.
So great to see you.
- Thank you. You too.

- Yay! Okay, hold still.
- Oh, that's one cute cubby.

Rose-budding really takes it
to the next level.

- Rose-budding!

Ooh, that'll get a lot of likes,
right?

- Now I get the iPad, mommy?
- As soon as we get in the car,
sweetie pie, okay?

As soon as we get in the car.
And don't forget,

you get to sleep
at your daddy's house tonight

and mommy gets
some alone time.

- Can't even remember
what that's like.

- Hey, I know
this is kind of last minute,

but Melanie
- you know, grace's mom? -

she and I are going out
tomorrow night.

I got us a reservation
in this new tapas place.

Would you wanna join?
- Uh, topless?

- Yeah, topless place,
i thought, you know,
sexy dancers, little appetizers.

No. Tapas.
- Oh, my god!

- Tapas.
- Tapas!

Yeah, no, tapas. Wow, yeah,
that would be really nice.
Thank you.

- Yeah, we like to do
this fun mom dinners
every couple of weeks.

You know, lots of wine, no kids.
It's kind of heaven.

- Yeah, sounds like it.
- Hi, ladies.
- Hey.

- Hey, Mel, guess what.
Emily is gonna join us
for dinner tomorrow night.

- Oh, fantastic.
- Is that okay?
- Yeah, it's great.

I love welcoming new moms
to the happy days community.

I can't wait to hear your story,
Emily.

- Um, would it be okay
if I invited Kate?

- Kate with the twin boys?
- Yeah.

- Wait.
Are you friends with her?

- Yeah, yeah, we went
to high school together.

That's how I got Amelia in here
so last minute when we moved.

- Kate doesn't usually do stuff
with us other moms,

or even return my emails,
but I know she got it,

'cause I have
that sent-return thing.

But since you guys are so close,
if you wanna invite her,

I mean, that's fine,
she could come with us, yeah.

- That'd be wonderful.
- Okay, no,
I'll mention it to her later.

That sounds great.
Thank you, guys.

Got to go. Bye. Thank you.
- Bye.

- I like your skirt.
It's so pretty.
- Oh, thanks.

- I bet my left tit
that bitch Kate doesn't come.

- Hello, gorgeous.

Shut up!

- Mom!!
- He took it!

I'm in the playoff!

Where are you?!

Where are you?!

- Whoa, whoa!

One at a time, dudes,
one at a time.

- Make them shut up, okay?
I'm in the playoffs!

- The twins knocked over
my legos and I have to poop.

- Oh, get in here, go.
Get in there, go.

- He took my sabre!
- Because it's mine!

- Okay.

There you go. Downstairs.

Have fun.

Daddy's calling you.

Hey. Sorry I couldn't talk
to you at pick-up.

I can't take hanging around
that place.

- Oh, guess who got
a poop facial

and taught our kid
how to say the f word?

- Oh, wait, you had shit
on your face and you're worried

your kid learned the word fuck?
- You don't understand.

I never swear
in front of them, is the thing.

- Mm, shit, I'd be more worried
about pink eye.

- How is it possible
that this kid

still has the s-h-i-t-s?

- Well, now you know
what you're really
missing out on

when you're pulling
those 12-hour workdays.

- It's incredible to me
that my life still revolves

around other people's s-h-i-t.
I can't believe it.

- Oh, I can.

- You're good at this.

Do it again?
- Okay.

- I love it, Emily.

You look beautiful.
- Oh, really?

I feel like you've just never
seen me with my hair brushed.
- Hey, I'm home.

Hey...
- Hey.

- Daddy's home!
- Oh, Amelia bedelia!

How you doing?
Oh, my goodness.

Oh, gosh, are we busy
making some drawings here?

What the...

Wow, honey, this is, um...

This is an interesting one.

What exactly is going on here?

- It's a whale spraying mommy.
- Um...

I... I guess I didn't know mommy
was into that sort of thing,

but, uh, okay.

All right.

- Oh, sorry.
- Sorry.

Okay, I'm gonna, uh...
I'll just get changed and...

- He's got this thing
about messing up my lipstick.

- Is this, like,
top chef or something?

Are we gonna be judged
on our work? Thank you.

- No, it's a delivery thing,
man.

It's a startup,
which I should've invested in.

It's all local and organic
and sustainable.

And they just drop it off
for you.

- What drops it off,
an electric tractor
being pulled by a rescue dog?

Thanks, Kate.

- This is literally
farm to table, you guys.

Farm to table.

- Straight from the farm.
- Straight to the table.
- To the...

- Right to the table.
Are you kidding me?

- There's no middle man.
- Oh, my god.

Well, thank you so much
for having us over

so we could make
our own dinner. This is great.

- Kate, I think it's awesome,
i think it's super creative,
and I like it.

- Thanks, em.
- Don't cut yourself, now.

- All right. Let's do this.
Okay?
- Okay. Yeah.

Right. Do you wanna do the...
Chop up the veggies?

- What's up with the sauce?

- Just a little--
- oh, no, no, no, hold on.

Throw the veggies in first
and then the sauce goes--

- I think it'll just--
- no, no.
It's like this for a reason.

You know, sometimes,
recipes are in a specific order
for a reason.

It's gonna screw
the whole thing up if...
- Ahem.

- It cooks together...
Okay, it's fine.

- Did you guys...

Do you have any of that
yellow sauce leftover?

- Mm-hmm, yep.
- Kind of wasted all of ours.

Um...

Yeah, I think, uh, this move
is gonna be great for us.

- Yeah.
- And great for us, em.

We get to hang like
the old times, just the girls.

- Speaking of just the girls,
a couple of the moms

from school asked me out
for a fun mom dinner.

- That sounds awful.
- Hey, it's a fun mom dinner.

How can it not be,
you know, fun?

- Shut the fuck up, hon.
Which ones were they?

- One of them was named Jamie.

- I know her. I mean,
i don't "know" know her.

I follow her on instagram.

She's a bit of an over-sharer.

- Seriously, Andrew?
Jesus, I mean, some wives
would be pissed about this.

I think I'm just embarrassed
for you. Here.

- Whoa.

- #sharedcustody?

#metime?

Fuck, if it's me time,
why feel the need
to share it with us?

Who's the other mom?
- Melanie.

- Okay,
that woman is bad-shit crazy.

I think she runs a fight club
in the helping hand yard.

- No, they're trying to be nice.
- You have to get out of it.

Just say Wyatt's sick
or something.

- No, don't listen to her, em,
and you should go too, babe.

- Honey, I think this is great.
You should make more friends,

you should, you know,
widen your circle.

Widen your circle?
- That's super sexual.

- Yeah, maybe it is sexual.
So what?

- You're just gonna widen it,
take a look around.

- Oh! Speaking...

Of sexual innuendo...
Look what I found in the move.

- What is it?
- Oh, my god.

It's our sex questionnaire
from sophomore year.

- We answered every question
with Jake Ryan.

Yes! And it marked the birth
of the I love Jake club.

- The I love who?

- Jake Ryan
from sixteen candles.
That was our movie.

Jake Ryan
is like the perfect guy.

- I've never heard
about any of this.

- There were two presidents
and two members.

- You guys started a club and
there's only two people in it?

That's adorable and sad.
Let me see this.

- Yeah, you two can't be
in the club.
- What?!

- Hey.
- Hey.

- All yours.

You wanna watch
a little John Oliver?

- No.

Oh, hey, would you mind taking
Amelia to school tomorrow
so I can go work out?

- No... fucking... way.

- What?

- Mommy!

- Hey, shhh, shhh, shhh...

Mommy's here.

Don't forget to go pee-pee.
Remember last time?

- Did you really just tell me
to go pee-pee?

- I did.
- 'Cause I don't have to.
I came prepared.

- Oh!
- Sam's pull-up is tight
as fuck!

- Oh, that is so wrong.

- You push out two more kids
and see if you don't need one.

Hey, what's going on with you?

Tom stuff again?

- No.

Yes.

- You seemed happy last night.

Please tell me you went home
and had drunk sex.
- Oh, please, hardly.

Tom has zero interest in sex.
Forget sex.

I haven't had a hug in months.
- Oh.

- The last hug I got, I think,
was from teacher Sherry.

Kind of felt a little something.

Okay, ladies, positions, please.

Come on, ladies,
positions, please.

- We need to talk about this.
- Dinner tonight?

I wanna see those knees
to cheeks.

Five, six, seven, eight,
and go down, down,

down, down, down, down!
That's it. Ugh!

- Good thing
this is an overnight.

- Whoo!
Ooh, down, down, down!

Ooh, higher!
Let me hear you say whoo!

Whoo!
- Whoo!

- I do not get this. Do you know
how to do instagram?

I'm stuck.

Hey, good timing,
i just got a text from Kate
a minute ago

who's gonna be here in five,
so...
- Oh, I texted Andrew.

We're gonna go hang out
over there for a bit.

- Oh, are you sure
it's a good idea,
'cause it's a school night,

and you know if Wyatt
falls asleep in the car,
he's never gonna transfer.

- Yeah, it will be great, babe.
The kids will have fun.
- Oh, fun, what a concept.

- No, you don't get to do
the "we never have fun anymore"
thing.

I'm babysitting tonight
so you can go out and have fun.

- You're babysitting, tom?!
- Yeah.

- It's not babysitting
when they're your kids.

- Yeah, it is.
- No, it's parenting.

- You're splitting hairs there,
but, yeah, sure, I mean, both.

- His green blanket
is in the dryer.

Do not forget it if you go out.
You'll be so sorry.

Are you listening
to any of this right now?

- Come on. Uh, yeah, yeah,
the diaper and the, um,

the blankets, it's no problem.

- Okay.
- All right, you know what?

I need to take a quick shower.
- All right.

Good luck with that.

Have a good night.
- Okay.

- Goodbye.

Goodbye.

- But I was just thinking
i needed to take
a quick shower.

- Please.
- What?

- Tell me you didn't do this.

- I kind of did.

- Looks like
your classic ambush move.

- That Emily is sneaky.

- I like her.

- I thought this was just gonna
be the two of us,

talking about you and tom
and shitty life stuff.

- I know.
I didn't wanna come alone.

I'm sorry I tricked you, okay?

I just wanted a night where
i am not thinking about tom.

I need it.

- Oprah? Gayle?

Care to open up
your friendship circle?

Let's go, come on.

- One hour, that is it.
And you fucking owe me.

- Come on.
- I love you.

- Melanie, you look hot.
- You look great.

- I mean, what else
are we supposed to bring
to snack share?

I mean, we've got three kids
allergic to gluten, a tree nut,

two soys, and that kid
with the zipper thing?

- Oh, that kid is not allergic
to zippers. No fucking way.

- But it's on the list.
- He's just scared of them.

That's more
of an emotional allergy.

- Yes, I did the rotc thing
in college,

and I came this close to joining
the armed forces, you know?

I still think about it.

You cannot get me out
of my 'tigues on the weekends.

- I miss telling people
at parties that I was a lawyer,
you know?

Except for I never went
to parties,

because I never left
the office before 9:00.

And then there was,
like, the rare occasion

that I did make it home
by bedtime

and Amelia was calling
her nanny "mama."

- Now that Lexie is with Theo
part of the time,
i actually have time to myself.

So I started consulting
with this engineering firm.

Plus I'm training
for a half-marathon,

and I get to sleep -
and I'm talking real sleep.

- Now, that is why
you look so good.
- Thank you. I appreciate that.

You know,
she would never admit it,

but she was my saving grace.

Some of my friends
got so weird
after I got separated.

You would not believe,
once you're single,

that these ladies
do not want you
around their husbands.

I never saw it coming
with my friends,
but not Melanie.

You were always
inviting me out all the time.

Sometimes, she even had to use
brute physical force
to get me out of the house.

- That I believe.
- Oh, she speaks.

What should we talk about,
Kate?

You know,
so we're interesting to you.

I mean, we've all shared.
What's your deal?

- Melanie.
- Oh, god.

That's a little harsh,
don't you think?

- I don't, actually.
- Emily, I can speak for myself.

It's true. Don't wanna be here.

What can I say? I'm mom'd out.

First there were the moms
from when Lucas
started school,

and then the Sam moms,
more play dates,
more school meetings,

the juicing, the coffees.
I'm over it.

I don't wanna know
what birthday parties
are being planned.

I don't give a fuck
about the best mommy and me yoga

or mommy and me anything.

And I especially
don't wanna hear

that super-cute thing
their kid said, did,
wrote, or fucking sang,

I mean, come on,
do you want me to go on?

- No, that's okay.
I think we got the idea.

But just for the record,
Melanie and I do not juice.

- I knew you were a bitch.
I knew it.

- Melanie, I'm sorry,
i know you don't like me

because I'm not engaged
and involved in--

- no, no, no, no, no, no.
My problem with you

isn't that you don't do shit
while the rest of us
do the shit.

My problem with you
is that you walk around

like you're too good
to do any shit at all.

- You took my phone yesterday,
for fucksake.
And my car wasn't even moving.

Jesus, just admit
you take stuff a little too far.

- When you admit that
you were texting and driving.
- I was buying milk!

A mother can never run out
of milk!

- Come on.
- You know what?

This is bullshit, I'm done here.
Let's get the cheque.

- No, Melanie, come on.
No, no, no, don't go.

I love that you're
a traffic-safety person.
- Thank you.

- Come on, you don't wanna miss
the tartufo.
- You're right. I'm not leaving.

I want my tartufo.
And I want a scotch.

Because then you got
your something sweet

and you got something
to cut the sweet.

She should leave.

- Oh, with pleasure.

- Oh, uh...

She drove.
- No.

- Mel, this is not good.
Come on,

we all have to see one another
at school tomorrow

and for the whole rest
of the year. Don't do this.

- Fine, but I cannot believe
I'm missing forensic files
for this shit.

You know, order me a scotch.

Three fingers, y cube.

- Don't even think about trying
to convince me to come back in.

- Don't worry.

I'm just gonna wait here
a minute

and then tell them
i couldn't find you.

What the hell is that?

- Something you could
desperately use.

Here, peace pipe.

- So basically you just need
to choose the picture you want--

- oh, my god. Jamie,
you matched with someone!

- I did?
- That's so exciting.

- Yikes. I don't know
if I'm ready for this.

Ah, dating at my age?

Why do all the men
look like weary grandpas?

- No, no, no, no, come on.
It's fun to look.

Let's start with looking.

He's cute.

- I used to smoke the doobage
from time to time.

Yeah, right, I'll toke up.

But you're still a massive cunt.
You know that, right?

- I'm guessing you haven't
done this in a while.

- Yeah, it's been like 15 years.

- Here's how it works
in the 21st century. See this?

- Yeah.
- You push it down.

- Okay. Okay.

Okay,
now we're cooking with gas.

That's a friend I remember.

Wow. Maybe there's more to you
than being just the big asshole.

- Wait, I'm confused.
Am I an asshole or a cunt?

Because there is a
big difference between the two.

- True.

Although sometimes in the dark
my husband can't tell.

- Have you heard anything
about a... fight club
on the helping hand yard?

- Huh? No.
- You know, never mind.
- I never heard about that.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- What'd we miss?
- Good evening.

- Good evening.

- Oh, we're gonna need
a bigger boat.

- Yeah, I think we need
one more of, uh...

Everything.
- Everyone.

- Everything.
- Thank you. This one's mine.

- Oh, I'm so glad
we're doing this.

And Emily acted
like it was gonna be so hard

to bring the kids over here.
- Yeah, man, totally.

Kate gets like that too
sometimes,

like super wound up about stuff.
Just pay no mind.

- Yeah.

Oh, what's going on, buddy?

Oh, okay.

All right.
- He wants his blankie.

- Blankie?

His blankie?

His blankie.

Oh, fuck.

- Marijuana makes me
really paranoid,
but I'll take a little puff.

Yeah, Jamie.

- Pass that.
There's something so classic
about a perfectly rolled joint.

- Mm, yeah.
- I like to go old school
sometimes,

with a classic
Brazilian bikini wax.

- Brazilian's retro now?

- Oh, not even.
They're like totally out.

- What?
- You think that's crazy?
You got to check out this.

- Look at this.
- I'm hungry.
- This is crazy. Vajazzling.

- Oh, my god!
- Whoa.

- Very popular now.
- Wait.

She shaves off all the hair
on her vagina god's given her
and takes a handful of crystals

and some Elmer's glue
and sprinkles up
a little design?

Is that what she does?

What kind of woman wants sand
on her vagina--

what are you doing
in there?

I see a lot of feet.
- I got it.

Hi. How are you?

What a cute little outfit.

Is it your birthday?

- Are you smoking in here?
- Of course we're not smoking.

- You know what?
I think the manager would like
to know what's going on.

- Hey, wait a minute.

I have an idea.

How about we send
an ice-cream sundae
over to your table?

You know, like a little surprise
for keeping a secret?

- I want a steak.
- Damn.

- New York strip, medium rare.

And a coke.
- Fine.
- Fine.

Great talking to you.

- That little girl
is fucking intense!

If that's what I'm missing out
on then, no, thank you.

- Oh, no. Did we just...?

- Oh, shoot!
- Oh, my god.

- Okay! Oh, my god!

- Let's go through the back.
We don't wanna get caught
in here!

- Oh, my god!

- Do you hear that?
Are those sirens?

- Ladies, I believe this is
a dine-and-dash situation.
Let's move out!

If we're staying out later,
i got to text my hubby.

- Oh, good idea.
And I'll text Andrew
and he can tell tom.

- Okay.

Oh, wait! Ladies, ladies,
hold up, hold up.

Come here.
Ladies, quick question.

Do you mind
if we make a quick pit stop?

I love me some walgreens.
And you're gonna love it, too,
because guess what.

Boom,
i got a motherfucking gift card!

- Hey, bud, see this is same
colour as your blankie.

Maybe that works.
What do you think?

Nope. Okay.
I think we have to go, man.

- Daddy, you promised
i could watch it.

Please, please, please!

- I know, honey. I'm sorry.
- You know what, man?
I got an idea.

Hey, come with me.

This way, please.

- Where are we going?
- Step right up
to the magic swing set.

Right in here, my man.
- It's all right, buddy.

- Bring him on in. May I?

- Sure. What are you doing?

- Don't question me.
I got four of these.

That's what I thought.
- I have two.

- I got myself involved
in the swing set.

Can I have that, please?
Thank you.

I know.
Can I just give you one tip?

You might wanna get yourself
like a soft, fuzzy blanket,

instead
of this piece-of-shit towel.

- Yeah, I forgot the blanket.
And that's your towel,
by the way.

- Oh. Well, then we have
disgusting towels.

All right, watch and learn.

Watch.

- What?

Whoa. Whoa.

That is fucking incredible.

- Oh, hey, here's our car.
I sprang for an SUV,

'cause I'm a bad-ass bitch
like that.

- Yeah!
- You got us a car? Why?

- Uh, to get around?

- No, no, it's good, all right?
We're gonna leave
the crime scene to cool out.

We're gonna leave
the cars there to deflect.

And that's our little Katie
right there,

'cause, whoo, yeah,
you got our six!

- I don't even know
what you're talking about!
What the fuck is six?

- Oh, come on,
that's military jargon, right?
- Okay.

- Yeah, six is back.
Katie, you got our six, girl.

- Roger that, you crazy cunt.
- Yeah, I'm a crazy cunt.

- Wow.

- Guys, I got a bad feeling
about getting in these things.

You hear about these guys,
they ride around all day,

and they pick up the last ride
and just snap like crazy.

- They do not.
- It happens all the time.
- Stop.

- Man, Jamie,
you weren't messing around

when you said you get paranoid.

- I know. And the problem is,

I always had Theo with me
when I got high.

He took care of me
when I started to get like this.
He was like my person.

- I'm gonna be your person.

You don't have to worry.
I got you, girl.

- Thank you.
- It's okay.

- That was a fun night,
you guys.

- Em, there's no fucking way
I'm doing bedtime tonight.

I mean, if I am staying out
with you gals,
i need to get more supplies.

- Ooh, I better stay out here.
I'm done with that stuff.

- No, we're sticking together.
Like sister-wives.

Come on, don't worry about it.

It's like crabtree & Evelyn,
but with weed.

- All right.

- For fucksake, Wayne,
you know who I am.

Now please, just play nice.
I have brought friends with me.

- Oh, very nice.
Ladies, my name is Wayne.

I am your marijuana sommelier
for the evening.

Oh, and here's Brady.
- My ears are burning.

- He's my partner.
- Hey, Kate!

- Brady! How are you?
- Thanks for coming in.

Hi, guys.
- Hey.

- Hey, look, anything you want,
we've got it.

If we don't have it,
we'll grow it.

If we can't grow it,
we're gonna get it

from some factory
in some godforsaken land.

- You know what,
you know what?

I think we should set them up

with our selection of stuff
that's for mothers,

'cause, you know,
we love the mothers.

- We love our mothers.
- Pfft.

- Sounds good.

- Let's begin with this one.

I think you might enjoy.
It's Ruth bader ganja.

- You guys fans
of supreme court justices?

- Oh, yeah.
- Well, you might've heard
of Ruth bader ginsburg.

It's now Ruth bader ganja.
- Ruth bader ganja.

We were playing around
with John Stevens for a while,

but we couldn't really think
of anything for that.

- But for you
i think it's very good,

- because it will get you...
- ....Supremely high.

- But at the same time,
you'll still be able
to mediate family disputes

or decide on
what you might be cooking or...

- It's also a really fun weed
when you need to concentrate.

You can build a castle
out of legos.

You can play
with calico critters all night.

Shopkins, and you have
total concentration.

- We put just a pinch
of Adderall in there,

which gives you
just that extra dash of focus.

- What?
- Yeah. It'd be cool
if you didn't say anything,

just because it's, you know,
it's very illegal.

- But maybe can we talk
about edibles?

- Oh.
- Oh, absolutely.

Which, by the way, reminds me,
do any of you have glaucoma?

If so, we are giving away
some free gummy worms.

- I have glaucoma.
- Oh, excellent!

- You have glaucoma?
- Oh, you're gonna love these--

- you do not have glaucoma!
- Oh, wait, you're kidding.

You don't have glaucoma.
No, I get it.

You guys are so our speed.
- Yeah.

- 'Cause you play around,
you can joke, you have a good--

- we do the same thing.
We joke around each other
even at home.

- It's so crazy.
People don't even get
our humour.

- And the wives are, like:
"What the fuck--

- ...you guys talking about?"
- That's why we...

- Don't hang out with them much,
but these are really good.

These are called
good night moons.

You know the children's book,
good night moon?

- Of course.
- Obviously.
And then what mother doesn't?

- And we went ahead
and added the s.

You know, good night moons.
- Moons.

- This is delicious.
- Wayne.

Somebody's discovered our balls.

We make those here
- oh, I like it.

- It will fuck you up.
It's really intense.

- You know how you have
that concentrated detergent.

"This one little thimbleful
for the whole washer?"

But yeah,
because it's that concentrated.

- How much of your own products
do you get
your little paws into?

- Oh, we don't smoke.
- I don't do it.

- Are you kidding me?
- No.

- My only addiction is mad men.
Oh, forget it.

- He loves it.
- Every week. Forget it.

- Tom. Tom, you got to see this.

Kate's partying
with the school moms.

It's on the bubble-bath chick's
instagram.

- You know,
it really is embarrassing
that you follow her.

- Yeah. I know.
And it's embarrassing
that she doesn't follow me back.

- Okay, I gave Amelia
a five-minute warning.

- Oh, oh, grab that door,
grab that door!
- What?

- Uh... it locks
when it's not supposed to.

That's my fault.
I should've told you.

We are momentarily
locked out.

- What do you mean,
momentarily locked out?

- What I said: Momentarily.
We keep a spare down here

in one of those
fake-dog-poop things.

Why don't we just do this?

Why don't we just let them
finish their movie in there,

and me and you
will chill out here with Wyatt?

- Oh, yeah, well, actually,
i was hoping

to get the kids home
before Emily got back.

- Oh, well, Kate texted and said
they were gonna stay out later.

- What?
- Oh.

I think I'm supposed
to tell you that.

- Okay. Yeah, sure.

- Mm...

I haven't licked a ball
in a decade.

- It got you your divorce.
- Do not tell me
you still blow your husbands.

- I never blew Theo. I mean,
maybe for like a minute
on his birthday.

- And divorce.

- Sometimes it's just easier,
you know,

like a quick one during
a commercial break of kimmel.

Andrew's psyched
and I don't have to have him
lying all over me.

- I hear that, sister.

My preference
is antiques roadshow.

There's no commercials,
but I just pop down there.

Me blowing those nuts.

I'm back in time
for the ming dynasty office.

- Oh, lord, well, just imagine
having to be single again.

It's all back on the table
for me now.

What if I have to do anal again?
- Again?
- Look at this way.

Maybe you'll meet the guy
that makes you
wanna do anal again.

- Thank god I never did.

- Emily's one of those rare
angels who actually married
the first guy she had sex with.

- What?!
- No fucking way!
- No, I didn't. Come on.

- Don't hit me! It's true!
- No, I was young.

- You guys,
i think we're being followed.
We're being followed.

Do you hear the footsteps?
- Yeah, ours.

- I think you've had
one too many licks.

How about we get a drink
over there,

cool out for a bit?
- Okay, let's do that.

- Oh, we got a runner!

- Shit.

- Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Oh, wow.

You have beautiful,
beautiful bone structure.

- Thank you.

How about a coke?
- Oh, no.

Actually, I was gonna get
a vodka-and-tonic,
because it's transparent.

That way if some weirdo
tries to slip something in it,
i can see it to protect myself.

- Okay, how about a sprite?
Also transparent.
See? Look at that.

- I'd love a glenlivit,
one cube. Thank you so much.
- Glenlivit, one cube.

- And can we grab
two house whites?

- House whites, all right.
Here you go. All right.

Let me guess...

Mom's night out?

- Again?
- Oh, come on.

- Should we be offended
you just immediately assumed
that we are all moms?

- No. You should be flattered.

- It says moms.

- Yeah, I got two of them.
- Oh.

- Good eye, by the way.

Usually,
people don't notice that.

- I got a thing for details.
It's like a bad lawyer habit.

I'm Emily.
- Luke.

- Luke as in...

This your place, Luke?

- That's me.
- Cool.

A little help over here?

- Excuse me, ladies.
- Okay.

- What's gotten to you, em?
- Wine.

- Weed.

I am so sorry
that I tricked you into tonight.

- Ah, you know what?

I hate to admit it,
but I'm having a great time.

- It's kind of a perfect night,
right?

- You know what would make it
even more perfect,

would be if Jake Ryan
just like wandered in here.

- Oh, god, Jake Ryan.
- Oh!

I love that guy!

Sixteen candles.

- Oh, for me that was all about
Anthony Michael hall.
- What?

- Farmer Ted. Ugh!
- What?
- Yeah, I love his little fuss.

- You do not!
- I do! I can't help myself.

- Oh, my god!
- Put him right in there,
bounce him around.

- No, I have to say, for me,
Jake Ryan, he was my ideal.

He ruined romance for me.
Honestly.

- It's true, because no guy
could ever live up to him.

No guy ever will live up to him.

- Well, he's a character
in a movie.

- I always liked
some kind of wonderful.

- Some kind of wonderful. Yes.

Eric stoltz, Lea Thompson--

- no, Eric stoltz,
Mary Stuart Masterson.

- Yes! God, I can't believe
i forgot that! Yes!

God, Mary Stuart
had that killer little haircut.

- Super cute.
- She was so cool.
I just want to be her.

Excuse me?
Can I get a drink, please?

- Check you out.
- Don't judge.

- Oh, I am not.

I mean,
a little bit of male attention

might be just what you need
tonight.

- How do you feel about two
delicious ice-cold beverages?

- Yeah, all right.
- I brewed that myself.

In the shed.

Let me know if you get
just a hint of bacon in there.

- Whoa. That's, uh--
- right?

- That's a lot of bacon.
- Oh, a lot of bacon.

- This is like a, um...

Some sort of like
a bacon... juice thing?

- That's beer. What do you mean?
- Beer?

- Yes, you dick.
I brew this beer.
- It's gray.

- Did you really not know
that this was beer?

- Can you carbonate it?
Is that part
of a different process?

- This is all great feedback.

- You want me to keep going?
- No, no, no.

I think I got your gist of it.

These girls are having a blast.

- What... what is it?

- They keep posting to insta.

- Well, Emily's certainly having
a blast. Who's that?

- I think they're just having
some drinks, man.

And if I know Kate,
she's super stoned by now.

That guy looks like a bartender.

They're having fun.

- Fun. She has this whole thing
about fucking fun.

We don't have... fun anymore,
like we never have fun.

- What do you think?
You think you guys are fun?

- Well, I mean, you know,
I'm pretty stressed out,

you know... generally, I guess.

- What?!
What are you talking about?

Don't say that about yourself.
- All right.

Well, look, I'm running, like,
11 different projects at work,

and on the phone,
dealing with like building codes

and contractors
and asshole clients

in like five states.

- That fucking blows.
- Yeah.

So, you know, when I get home,
i don't wanna deal with anyone.

- Right.
- And honestly,
neither does she.

- Fuck.
- Yeah.

It's not the high point
of our relationship.

- Yeah.

Look, man, I think that you guys
need to cut yourself a break

while you're still
in the trenches

and the kids are so young.

You know, try to just laugh
at some of the bullshit

and not be angry at each other,
like, all the time.

- So, like, lower the bar?

- Yeah. Like...

...just a bit.

- You're really lowering
the bar.

- Just keep it realistic.
- You can dig a hole
and put the bar in it.

- Not that...
Yeah, not that low.

- I need a lot of room, though,
because I tend to do this a lot.

- That's good.
- I just keep doing it,

and doing it and doing it.
- Just don't... okay.

- That's a gorgeous beer.

- You are so resourceful.

- Mm...

- I mean, our philosophy is,

if we can stay
pretty much into each other,

three or four months
out of the year

while keeping our kids alive,

teaching them to be
semi-decent human beings--

- right.
- --We're golden.

- Huh.

Now, those three or four months,
are they, like,

spread throughout the year,
or are those consecutive?

- Spread throughout the year.
- Okay.

- I'm getting so many likes
from my rose-budding post.

A lot of new friend requests,
too,

but weird ones like hard4buttz.

Buttking343,

assmeanything.

- Okay, Jamie,
let me see this post.

Okay. Do you know
what rose-budding is?

- When you throw the roses...
- Not exactly.

I think you should
take this post down

and don't accept any
of these friend request,

because these people
are not your friends.

- I'm so tired all the time.
We both are.

It sounds like a joke,
but it's not.

I literally can fall asleep
while I'm pooping on the toilet.

- Okay, well, this isn't a joke.

I would like you to teach me
how to do that.

- Okay. Well,
this is gonna sound weird.

I would love to.

- Oh, wait, wait.

It's my mother-in-law.

- Please don't answer
and kill this sweet buzz.

- Never.
- This is so fun.

- Oh, fuck, trust me.

- I love Halloween candy.
- Yeah, and you guys
stock up early, huh?

- Actually...

These are the kids'
from last year.

- One time, Theo, his mom and i
were sitting on the couch
watching a movie.

I was massaging Theo's back
and his shoulders,

and all of a sudden
i feel something.

It was his mom's hand.
She was rubbing his back, too.

We were both massaging him
at the same time.

- Oh, my god!
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

- So awkward!
- Fucking sick!

What is it with mothers
and their sons?

- Check this out.

You see this?

I got this last Thanksgiving
fighting with my mother-in-law

over who was gonna make
the cranberry sauce.

That woman has got
lifeless eyes, black eyes,

American girl doll
Jess McConnell eyes.

- Oh!
- Jersey shore, 2002.

- Yeah?
- Andrew's mom stepped on me

with her old-lady jelly mules
trying to be the first

to lay out
his fucking beach towel.

- Okay, ladies,
here's what I figured out.
You're not gonna like this shit.

But we are all gonna end up
just like our mothers-in-laws.

- No fucking way.
- Mm-hmm.

Fucking way, fucking way.
I'm telling you, I'm gonna be
all over my William.

I can already tell, I can!
I love that kid so much!

Fuck his wife. I raised him,
i earned that shit.

- Yeah, well, try having four.
- Believe me.

- As far as I'm concerned,
they can move in with
their future wives anytime now.

- Oh, you think so?
You say that now,
but I'm gonna tell you,

mark my words,
we are all gonna be

inappropriately massaging
our grown sons.

- Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!
- What?

Show me.

- Oh, god!!

- Jamie just looked up
rose-budding.

- Delete.
- That is fucking disgusting!

- It's an anus.

- Okay, tom.

I think I'm ready
to share something with you

that might just help
with that Emily situation.

It's a little trick that I call
"two cs a day."

Have you heard of that?

- No. What?

- Cs like compliments?

- So you give Kate
two compliments every day?

- That's right.

So, for example, I'll do one c
like straight out of the gate.

I'll do a c about usually her
physical appearance, you know.

Like, what she's wearing
or how she looks,

something like that.

But you wanna try to use
the words "beautiful,"

or "hot," or "sexy,"
something like that.

Don't ever say "nice"
or "pretty."
They don't like that.

Then later on in the day,
i try to follow up
with another c,

but this is more
of an appreciation c,

like: "How am I so lucky
to be in this with you?"

You know, but super Sincere.
The thing is,

I'm starting to feel
a little bit guilty about it,

because I'm now getting
so much out of it.

- Like blowjob?

- Yeah, like blowjobs.
- Really?

- Yeah,
while I'm watching kimmel.
- Whoa.

Where did you get this idea?

- We had a big fight
and she was, like:

"I don't feel like
you even appreciate me.

Why don't you say one nice thing
to me every single day?"

- Okay, all right.
So your big, like, genius plan

is something that your wife
told you to do?

- No, she said one a day,
i upped it to two.

- All right. Come clean, newbie.

- Whatever do you mean?

- Wow, clearly you were an extra
on cocktail, tom cruise.

- Close. I tended a bar,
summer of '99,

the yacht club
on lake Michigan.

- Wow.
- Our signature drink:

Summer on the shore. For you.

- That's a pretty good g&t.

You make this for your husband
when he comes walking
through the door?

- Not lately.

- Oh, excuse me.
- My god, not again.

God, I'm gonna kill them.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,

please direct your attention
to centre stage,

because, yes, it is that time:
Karaoke hour.

Karaoke hour!

- All right.

This one is for you...
And your friends.

Moms, you're on!

- Oh, shit.

- Oh!

- Fuck, yeah.

- Come on, you nailed it.

Let's go.

Whoo!

- Remember this?
- Very well.

We got this, we got this,
we got this.

- Jamie, come here!

- Mel, get up there, baby.

- Give me some English
so I can read this shit.

- But, yeah,
if I'm gonna get khakis,

I want them to be,
like, a nice tan--

- they have...
You can get them anywhere.

- Dad!
What are you doing out here?

- Hey, honey--
- can you guys
grab the door closed?

- Too late.

- We're hungry.

- Hey, let me grab
that spare key real quick.

- All right.
How was the movie, guys?

- It was awesome.
- It was okay.

- Nope, this is not it. Dammit.
- What?

Fuck. That's real poop.
That's not fake.

So what are you saying,
that we're locked out?

- Yeah, tom, we're locked out,
but what's more important
is we don't own a dog.

- Okay.
- Sam, did you do this?

Gross.

- Okay.
- Right?
- Yeah.

- Come on!
Where's a fake piece of poop
when you need it?

- Dude, this is not good.

So you're saying
that we're actually locked out,

like for sure?

- Tom, calm down.
It's gonna be fine, all right?

I'm pretty good in a crisis.
Watch this.

Guys! Guys!!!

Oh, no!!
Oh, no, we're locked out!!

We're locked out!!
What are we gonna do?!

Well, your dad and i
are gonna protect you, okay?!

So don't worry, don't worry!

The bad news is,
we're locked out
until mom gets home!

Oh, but the good news is...

...we got candy.

Yay!!
- Lots of candy!

- Okay, guys,
this is my second move.
It's called the "oh, no, Romeo."

I'm not on the dance floor.
I'm grinding with my girls.

I'm doing my thing. I look good.

He comes up behind me,
he wraps his arms around me.

I say, "oh, no Romeo!
Stop, elbow, go!"

- Oh, no, Romeo!
Pow!

Oh, my god, oh, my god.

- Oh! Hey.

All right.

I'm good.
- Are you okay?

- I'm good. This...
- I'm sorry about that.

- Oh, you don't have
nothing to be sorry about.

That felt good in a way.

- That's the "oh, no, Romeo."
Yeah.

- So where are you taking me?

- Truth?
- Please.

- Good to get outside sometimes.

Get away from the bar,
get some fresh air. You know...

- It's really a nice night.

Good breeze.

- You're very cute,

you're very funny,
and you're very smart.

And I'll have you know,
i take my breaks very seriously.

But I had a feeling about you
and I'm just happy

that you came out with me
tonight.

And I apologize in advance
for this.

This is a disgusting,
terrible habit.

Don't judge me.
- Oh, god, are you kidding me?

No. Before kids,

a cigarette,
and a glass of wine at night
was, like...

- Look, we can relive
your old glory days right now.

Nobody's watching.
We're out here by ourselves.

I won't tell.

- Oh, god.

I shouldn't.

It's been years.

- Yeah, you're probably right.
It's not a great look
to be smoking a cigarette

and pushing a stroller
down the street.

Although it's kind of sexy
in like a fucked-up '70s
kind of way.

- You're funny.

- Ooh, you don't have a lighter
by chance, do you?

- Do I have a lighter?
- Oh, you know what?

That's a dumb question.
Of course you don't.

- So... what about you?
Do you have any kids?

Ever been married?

- Nah.

I came close... to both,

but I just think the lifestyle
i was leading in the bar,

and, you know,
all the things going on,

it was just never
very conducive to any of that.

But enough about me.
Let's talk about you.

Emily, the bartending lawyer,

who's been married
for how many years?

- Truth?

- Truth.

- I have been with my husband
since college.

It's boring and predictable,
right?

- Uh, no.

If boring and predictable
is your thing,

then you're... killing it.

See, it's not so bad. You get
to spend some quality time

with a nightlife entrepreneur,
who's actually
kind of a great guy.

- I get it.
Your name's on your napkins.

- Is that a fresh tone?

This is me.
I'm gonna get a lighter.

- Oh.
- I'll be back.

- Get out, get out,
get out, get out.

Ooh.

- This is pretty weird
that we're all laying
in the car together.

- Yeah.
But it's kind of fun too, right?

- It's... unexpected.

- Where did you learn
that word?

- From mommy.
It's the word of the day.

- Oh, mommy has a word
of the day, huh?

- Daddy, I'm cold and it smells
like Wyatt's poop in here.

- Oh, wow.

Is that
what that terrible smell is?

- No, I thought it was Andrew.

- You're funny.
- Am I?

Hey, hon.

I'm sorry.

You know, it's my fault
that we are stuck out here,

and I know
this is not the kind of thing

that would happen
on mommy's watch.

She's pretty good
at this stuff, huh?

- I like it
when you're the mommy too
sometimes, daddy.

- Whoo!!

- Thank you so much.

I'll go check.

You, I like you.
Get on up here, short-stuff!

Your dreams
are about to come true!

- Luke's gone too.
- What?!

Have you seen
where Emily went?
- No.

I'm gonna do
a quick perimeter check.

- Excuse me, where's Luke?
He was here with my friend
all night. Where'd they go?

- They left like 20 minutes ago.

I mean, he said he'd be back,
though.

But, you know, he did check
to make sure I was closing up.

So they're probably...

- Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
This does not,
not seem like her.

She would tell me
if she was leaving.
Where'd they go?

- He didn't say.
- I'm gonna...
I'm gonna text her.

- I feel like something's wrong.

- You felt like
something's wrong all night.
It's gonna be okay.

- She's not responding.
I feel like something's wrong
too now.

- What's your name?
- Alfred.

- Okay, I'm Melanie.
I'd like you to tell me
about your friend, Luke.

Is this a regular thing he does,
leaving the bar
with a lady friend?

- He's done it
a few times before.

- Great.
You're doing a great job.

Cooperation's really key here.
- Thank you.

- I'd like you
to go in your purse,
grab your phone, call Luke,

have him bring Emily back
right now. Can you do that?

- I can't.
- You can't?
- He's scary. I can't.

- You don't know me, do you?
- No.

- Jamie here knows me.
- Hi, Jamie.

- Jamie tell al what I'm like
when I'm mad.
- Call your boss, Alfred.

- I think you'd like
to call your boss, okay?

Because you can cooperate,
or I can have the atf here
first thing in the morning

investigating you serving
all these minors.

- We don't serve minors here.
- Oh, is that right?

- No.
- Looks like a Katy Perry
meet-and-greet to me.

They will shut
this fucking place down

while they investigate
the charge.

You think Luke
is gonna like that?

- What are you, a cop?
- You wanna fucking find out,
motherfucker?

- No.
- I didn't think so.

Okay, get on that fucking phone.
- Fuck you.

- Okay, I'll be back.
Are we 100% sure
this is trouble?

I mean,
they were flirting all night.

- I am telling you,
i know Emily.

- Wait! I think I can track
her iPhone!

I've been setting instagram up
for her earlier.

Let me check. Give me a second.
- Oh, my god.

Are you telling me you can track
somebody else's phone?

- Yes, I can pretty much do
anything on one of these.
- Oh, yes!

- Well?
- Nope, no answer.
- Well, where does he live?

- I can't tell you.
- Where the fuck does he live?!
- I can't say!!!

- Forget about it. I have
a read on where they are.

They're on flanders Avenue
heading south.

- Okay, ladies,
this is really happening.
We're moving out. Let's go.

- Let's go, let's go!
- But wait!
Our cars are at the restaurant.

- Um... I can drive you guys.

I've had nothing but five
coconut waters tonight, so...

I'm Barry, by the way.
- I'm Jamie.

- Yeah, I don't think
we really got to introduce
ourselves officially, so hello.

- Let's go! Let's move!

- Okay, I got a read.
Now she is off of flanders,

and she is on to cabot,
heading west on cabot.

- Should we call tom?
- No, no, no, do not call tom.

We don't know
what we're dealing with yet.

- Oh, guys, you don't know her.
She would not just fucking
run off with some strange guy.

- Kate, I hate to say it,
but they seemed
pretty into each other.

- I got her.
She just went left on pacific.

It looks like they're heading
to the Marina district.

- Okey-dokey.
- Oh, I'm trying her again.

Come on.

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

- Leave me the fuck alone
already!

- What?
- That was not her.

- Fuck, was that her?
- No, no, no. Try her again.

- The signal stopped
at the Marina.

- Okay, we're tracking her,
we're closing in,

and we're gonna get out
of whatever situation she's in.

Are you cool? Are you cool?
You're cool, right? You're cool?

Barry, you need
to move this motherfucker!

I've been in golf carts
faster than this! Let's go!

- I'm sorry,
my foot is cramping up!
I haven't had a banana today.

- A white Van. Everybody knows
the only people that drive
white vans are serial killers.

- One second, one second,
just got to adjust here.
I'm sorry.

- Wait, no,
this is not the time.

- No, I can just--
- oh, oh, my god!

Barry, just park
the fucking car, man!

- I know, I know.
It's disrespectful
to other drivers--

- nobody's here!
Emily?!

Emily?!

Oh, shit.

- Emily!

- Emily?
- Oh, my god.

- Emily?

- Jesus h. Christ.

Is that fucker
taking her out in the water?

No, I really don't like this.
- Oh, no, no.

- It's zero dark 30.
Zero dark fucking 30.

Mission is a go.

Holy shit.

- That woman is certifiable.

- I got you, motherfucker!

- No.

She's incredible.

She's got our six.

She's saving my friend.

Wait.

My friend.

- Unbelievable! Here!

- Oh!
- Grab on! You can do it!

Come on, I got you!

I got you, come on.
Come on, come on.

- Holy shit.

It's fucking freezing.

- You are one gutsy bitch.
- Oh, no.

- I wish you'd consider
co-chairing the spring auction
with me.

- Well, can we do this later?
We need to find Emily.
- Okay.

- Oh! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
- Huh?

- Looks like I might've
targeted the wrong vessel.

- You think?

- Let's get out of here.
Come on. Shit.

- God, it feels so good...

Just to be the old me
for a few hours.

You know, not, like...

Mommy or...

Anything.

Just... Emily.

- Hmm.

I'm a huge fan...

Of just Emily.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Oh, I... I can't. I'm sorry.

It was so fun at the bar,

and... and it has been
a really long time

since anyone
has kissed me like that,

but my... I mean...
I'm married, I am married,

I am super married and... ew.

I'm sorry. Oh, god.

Where am I?
- Hey. Hey, hey.

- What?
- You didn't do anything wrong.

- What? I kissed you.

- I kissed you.
- I kissed you back.

I'm so sorry.

- For what, stopping?
It was going very well.

- That's funny.
- Look.

I've been a wake-up call
for a few married women
in my life.

It's not... it's not the end
of the world.

- I got to go, I got to go.
My friends and...

I have to wake up
in the morning,

because it's a school morning,
so I got to go.
- Hey.

- What?
- Okay.

But you should kiss
your husband like that,
by the way.

- So you see anything out there?
- Sort of,

but it's so dark now that I feel
like I've lost sight of them.

- Yeah.

I'm not worried,
i think you're friend
probably has Luke, like,

hog-tied and begging
for mercy by now.

- Oh, yeah? Well, let's hope so.

- I got to say, uh,
you ladies are something else,

I love it. It's very cool.
- Thanks.

- So you're all... married,
then?

- Oh, well, they are.
I'm not. I'm divorced.

- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.

- I mean... I'm sorry.

That's too bad. Or... is it?

I mean, is it too bad?

- No, it's certainly better
than being married to my ex,
that's for sure.

- Right, yeah, good.
Well, that's good.

- Not bad.
- I mean, that you're happier.

- Right.
- That's good. Yes, yes, yes.

- I would say
I'm definitely happier.

Yeah.
- Yeah.

- So what about you?
Are you in a relationship or...?

- No, not right now.
- Mm-hmm.
- No.

- So how did you get stuck being
the designated driver tonight?

- Oh, I volunteered.
- You did?

- Yeah, yeah.
I don't like drinking too much.

It makes me feel all weird
in my head, you know.

Are you cold?
- Oh.

- A little chilly there.
- Oh, thank you.

- Here.
- - It's cold. Thank you.

- Well, Melanie?
- What?

- I'm waiting.
- Waiting for what?

- Jaws jokes. On land tonight,
out here, you got nothing.

- Oh, you're right.

Shit. Oh, shit.

Come on. Come on.

- Oh...

I have never felt so sober
in my entire life.

- Correct. Let's go look and see
if we can find Jamie and Barry,

and more luck than we did.
Come on.

Come on. Come on.

- Whenever.
- Okay.

Come on, come on.

- I love peanuts so, like,
a peanut beer, is that a thing?

- Fuck, yes.
- Yeah? It's a peanut.
- Great idea.

Take that one step further.

What if it's like a whole line
of, like, stadium flavours?

- Right.
- I.E.: Peanuts,

hotdogs, pretzels.

- Mustard beer.

- Why aren't we writing this
down?

- I don't know. 'Cause...
You know what?

- All right, someone tooted.

- Yeah, it was probably
all of them.

- How dare you fart on me?

- When my kids fart...

- Don't even finish
the sentence.

- Dude, dude, dude, dude,
i... love... it.

- What do you binge on?
- Oh, I don't know.

I try to watch what I eat,
watch my weight so...

- Oh, no, I mean, like,
like, binge watch.

Like netflix? Amazon?

- Oh, yeah. Uh, duh.

No, I, um, I don't really do
any of that stuff.

I'm more of a regular
cable-TV guy.

- Oh, I love regular cable TV.
- Yeah?

- As a matter of fact,
this is so embarrassing,

but I actually fall asleep
watching hgtv.

- Oh, my god, me too.

Almost, like, every night,

I fall asleep watching
love it or list it.

- I love that show!
- Yeah?

- Ever noticed how
they always choose to love it?

- Yes!
- Always.

- Every time.
- They always choose to love it.
- I know.

I think they're gonna list it,
and then they love it,

then sometimes I'm, like:
"They're making us think
they love it,

so they actually list it,
but then they just love it."

- I think you're an old soul,
Barry.

- Old soul? Aw.

I like that. That's nice.

The last girl I dated told me

I reminded her
of a bashful predator.

- Where are all of my friends?
- They are looking for you.

They actually went bonkers.
Uh, they thought Luke
had abducted you or something.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Don't worry about it.

I'm... listen, I'm sure
they'll be back soon.

Just hang out here
for a little bit.

- No, I got to...
I got to call Kate.

Just... okay.
Except for...

I don't have my phone.
It's gone.

- Use my phone. Use my phone.

I don't want any trouble.
Just take the phone.

- Um... I don't know
her phone number.
It's in my phone.

- You don't know
your friend's number?

- No, I don't know
my friend's number!
It's in my phone!

- Truly,
just trying to be helpful.

- Who knows anybody's
phone number anymore?
Fuck technology.

- Oh, my god.
Guys, I can just call Barry.

- Who's Barry?
- Who are you?

- Barry is my buddy,

and he took all your friends
looking for you.

- Looking for me where?
- You know what?
They were tracking your phone.

- I don't have my phone.

Fuck.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

Are you kidding me
with that phone?

- What?
Hello, it's Barry.

Really? Emily's at the bar.
- What?

- Yeah.
- Can I talk...?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Hello?

- It's go time.

- I'm right behind you.

- Nice aft.
- Oh, god.

If she came here willingly,
I'll fucking kill her.

- Emily!
- Jamie!

- Ah... oh, my god,
we were so worried.

They still haven't come back.
- What the fuck?

Oh, you guys better get help.
This is bad.

- Well, there's got to be
Marina security.
They'll call in whoever to help.

- That's a good idea.
Okay, you go do that.
- All right.

- Jamie.
- What?
- Look at me.

Where was the last place
that you saw them?

- Down there.
- Take me.
- Okay, come on, let's go.

- Okay,
where the fuck is Emily?!

- Hey, get off my boat.
- Your boat? Excuse me, Matey,

but I'm gonna have to see
your license and registration.

- Uh, Mel, let's just go.
Emily's not here.

- It's my dad's boat,
but I'm gonna need you
to leave.

- Bae, be nice.

They're homeless.

- We are not homeless.

- You must be hungry.
- I'm actually pretty hungry.

- Okay, now's not the time.
All right.

Somebody tell me
what's going on here.

- It's senior skip tomorrow,
so we're having a party.

- This is a party?
Don't bullshit me.

- Oh, my god!
- There you are!

- Emily!!!

- We saw your unicorn
hanging over the side!

- Where the fuck have you been?!

- Uh, James,
what are all these old-ass milfs
doing on the boat? Ah!

What the fuck?

- Oh! Wait a minute.
It's here. Your phone is here.

Did you hear that, that ping?
Here, look.

- Were these kids at Luke's?

- Give me that bag.

- That's... a coincidence.

- Gimme that bag.
- No--
- gimme that bag.

Gimme your bag.
Give Melanie your bag!

- Stop, stop!

- What is this?

All right, was is this,
some kind of bling-ring shit?

It's that what you guys
are doing here, huh?

Taking phones and sell them
on the black market?

Is that what you're doing?
- Oh, yeah.

Yep, I've seen this on dateline.

- So what? Zoe lifts shit.
That's her thing.
Everybody has a thing.

- I catfish rich dudes.
- I pull fire alarms.

- I'm a YouTube unboxer.
- What the fuck is that?

- Okay, all right,
i steal things.

Sorry, I can't help myself.

Please don't turn me in.

- So we're not gonna
call the cops,
'cause we're cool as shit,

but you're all gonna
pay the price
for Zoe's shenanigans tonight.

You'll survive, Jamie.

Now... you're all gonna be
technology-free
for the next hour.

Let's cut
this electronica bullshit

and get some peabo Bryson
up in here.

- Five minutes.

Yeah, right.

- Okay. Now,
you're all gonna deal with
the extreme social awkwardness

that we had to deal at parties
back in the day.

You ready for that?
Here I come.

All right,
you're gonna face each other,

in the flesh, without a phone,

to filter out any of those oily
little teenage pores you got.

- Whoo!

You're welcome.

- I've got one.

Never have I ever walked in
on my parents doing it.

- Dude.
- Oh.
- Nasty.

- Okay, ready?

Never have I ever had lice.

- What?
- Ew.

- Ew!
- Emily, I promise you,

just give it a few more weeks
at happy days,

and you won't be borrowing
my special comb.

- No!
- I can't believe
you've never had lice.

- I'm so never having kids.
- Good luck.

- This is fun.

- I think we freaked them out.

- Good. Little fuckers.

- Never have I ever cheated
on my husband

with an old boyfriend
from high school.

- How did I not know?
I thought it was Theo.

- Yeah. I know.
That's what everybody thought.

It's because I only post
the pretty stuff.

- You're the pretty stuff.

- Never have I ever...
Kissed another guy...

While I was married.

- Emily.
- Whoa.

- I stopped it immediately.
I did.

It was a mista...
It was such a mistake.

I am... I'm telling tom...
When I get home.

- Are you sure?

I'm terrified,

but I think...

I realized tonight
that I want my marriage to work.

I want it to work with tom.

- You just have to fight for it,
sweetie pie. You know?

- All right.

Never have I ever dressed up
my husband's dick as Napoleon.

- Whoa, wait a minute. What?!

- Okay, you guys, remember,
like, when we went on
that Alaskan cruise last year?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, we didn't.

We went to this sex retreat,
to reconnect.

- Really?
- Wow. Did it work?

- Yes, it worked.
- - Yeah, obviously.

- Yeah. We dressed up his dick
as Napoleon,

and he did a little one-act.

It was really very good,
critically acclaimed.

- Whoa.

- Anyway, yeah.

And we still do it,
and I love it.

- That's a really good one.
- It sure is.

- All right,
never have I ever...

...had real mom friends.

- Come here, give me a hug.

Come on, give me a hug.
Come here.

- I want in. Come here.
- Me too!

You guys are still wet.

Aren't you freezing?
- Yeah.

- A little bit.

- Oh, I'm so glad Emily and i
didn't have to go in the water.

- Hmm.

- Ow! Ow.
- God, if I ever do this again,

I'm getting
a goddamn epidural first.

- The CIA should use this shit
on terrorists.

- Oh, god, you guys
are all a bunch of wimps.

- It's very delicate tissue
down there, Jamie.

You know, I'm already
regretting my choice.

Should I have gone
with the mt. Rushmore?

Peter loves history.
- Are you kidding me?

He's gonna love that.
It was the best one.

- Hey, em.

Turn around.

- What?
- Just...

Turn around.

- Me?

- Yeah, you.

- You did this. It's you.
- No! I swear.

It's all tom.
- Come on, get over there, go!

- Go get your Jake Ryan.

Go! Go get your Jake Ryan!

- Whoo!

- Tom looks kind of hot.

I guess the talk worked.

He's even got the sweater,
you guys.

- Uh-oh.
- She's coming back.

- But she looks okay.

What happened?

- Well, tom said
he didn't want me
to miss our dinner,

so I'm gonna meet up with him
later.

- Shit.

- The Porsche is ours
for the night.

- Really?
- That is a slick move.

Nice work, tom!
- Thank you, tom!
- Wow.

- Are you sure? There'll be
other fun mom dinners.

- You got that right, bitches.
Come on.

- Let's go.
- Let's go. We're good.