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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:00:32,861 --> 00:00:35,539
And every other day,
I take a short helicopter ride
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00:00:35,540 --> 00:00:37,418
to Heston Blumenthal's
restaurant.
3
00:00:37,419 --> 00:00:39,137
Last night,
4
00:00:39,138 --> 00:00:42,256
I ate a chocolate radio that
still worked in my stomach,
5
00:00:42,257 --> 00:00:45,574
and a flat chicken that was
actually a glass of water.
6
00:00:45,575 --> 00:00:47,173
Even the menu was edible.
7
00:00:47,174 --> 00:00:49,372
They said it wasn't,
but I ate it.
8
00:00:49,373 --> 00:00:51,991
Sounds like you're
living the life of Riley.
9
00:00:51,992 --> 00:00:55,989
Well, I actually knew Riley,
and yes, there are similarities.
10
00:00:56,330 --> 00:00:59,658
And yet, there is some
sadness in your life.
11
00:00:59,784 --> 00:01:01,152
Tell me about Victoria.
12
00:01:01,208 --> 00:01:04,485
You'll have to forgive me,
there's been quite a few Victorias.
13
00:01:04,486 --> 00:01:05,765
Your wife?
14
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:09,243
Oh, my God, my wife,
oh yes, Victoria!
15
00:01:09,244 --> 00:01:10,786
What a fantastic woman.
16
00:01:10,812 --> 00:01:13,966
The two weeks we were
married were unforgettable.
17
00:01:14,402 --> 00:01:18,599
She disappeared in mysterious
circumstances, did she not?
18
00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:21,557
She vanished while
washing the car.
19
00:01:21,558 --> 00:01:25,276
Despite a search that lasted
nearly five hours, we found nothing.
20
00:01:25,277 --> 00:01:27,891
So naturally,
we assumed the worst.
21
00:01:28,017 --> 00:01:32,032
- You must miss her.
- More than words could say.
22
00:01:34,072 --> 00:01:38,070
I'd give anything to see her
walk through that door right now.
23
00:01:42,748 --> 00:01:45,606
Hey, why don't you
take your clothes off?
24
00:01:45,907 --> 00:01:47,385
- What?
- Come on!
25
00:01:47,386 --> 00:01:51,209
We both knew it was on the cards as
soon as I realised you were a woman!
26
00:01:51,944 --> 00:01:53,862
What if someone were to walk in?
27
00:01:53,863 --> 00:01:57,101
I left strict instructions not to
be disturbed in case we had sex.
28
00:01:57,102 --> 00:02:00,099
There's no way anyone is
walking through that door...
29
00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:01,579
Hello, Douglas.
30
00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:03,938
Victoria!
31
00:02:03,939 --> 00:02:06,936
But I thought you were dead!
32
00:02:11,295 --> 00:02:14,792
I must say, Douglas, you still
don't seem very pleased to see me.
33
00:02:18,332 --> 00:02:21,889
No, no, I must have eaten
some bad stereo system.
34
00:02:21,890 --> 00:02:24,428
- How's the wine?
- Exquisite.
35
00:02:24,429 --> 00:02:26,787
From the chef's own cellar.
36
00:02:27,088 --> 00:02:30,925
What are you doing, Victoria?
Last time I saw you, you were...
37
00:02:30,926 --> 00:02:33,964
Washing the car? Yes, I
imagine you have many questions.
38
00:02:33,965 --> 00:02:37,722
I was under a lot of stress that
day, Douglas. I think we both were.
39
00:02:37,723 --> 00:02:39,321
We both knew it wasn't working.
40
00:02:39,322 --> 00:02:42,440
I picked up my sponge and bucket
with a heavy heart that day.
41
00:02:42,441 --> 00:02:45,518
The rest is a blank. The next thing
I can remember with any clarity
42
00:02:45,519 --> 00:02:48,357
is being on a kayaking
holiday two years later.
43
00:02:48,358 --> 00:02:49,876
That looks good, what's that?
44
00:02:49,877 --> 00:02:52,155
I sort of wish I'd ordered that.
45
00:02:52,156 --> 00:02:55,053
Our invisible desserts
have arrived!
46
00:02:56,354 --> 00:02:59,672
I know we weren't happy that second
week of our marriage, Douglas,
47
00:02:59,673 --> 00:03:01,911
but give us another
chance, as a couple.
48
00:03:01,912 --> 00:03:04,190
I don't know.
49
00:03:04,191 --> 00:03:07,948
I don't think we can just
pick up from where we left off.
50
00:03:07,949 --> 00:03:11,586
No, Victoria, I'm sorry,
it's over.
51
00:03:14,506 --> 00:03:16,463
Oh God!
52
00:03:17,464 --> 00:03:20,022
I forgot you could do that.
53
00:03:20,823 --> 00:03:23,520
Maybe we should
give it another go!
54
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:28,398
Nnngh...
55
00:03:28,899 --> 00:03:31,217
Well that is new!
56
00:03:31,418 --> 00:03:32,656
How are you doing that?
57
00:03:32,657 --> 00:03:34,654
That might be the dog.
58
00:03:37,055 --> 00:03:40,693
Heston!
I'd like to introduce you to my...
59
00:03:40,694 --> 00:03:42,591
Wi-i-i-ife.
60
00:03:47,450 --> 00:03:50,048
I want to divorce my wife.
61
00:03:51,249 --> 00:03:53,846
- Why are you telling me?
- Aren't you with legal?
62
00:03:53,847 --> 00:03:55,765
No.
63
00:03:55,766 --> 00:03:57,125
Remind me?
64
00:03:57,126 --> 00:03:59,924
IT. Relationship manager.
65
00:03:59,925 --> 00:04:03,442
Ah. Well then I probably shouldn't
have told you any of that.
66
00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:05,081
Anyway...
67
00:04:05,082 --> 00:04:07,480
I want to divorce
her right now.
68
00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:09,879
Now's too late.
Before now.
69
00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:12,997
In fact, I want to have already
divorced her, is that possible?
70
00:04:12,998 --> 00:04:15,556
Well, as I said,
I'm not a lawyer, so...
71
00:04:15,557 --> 00:04:19,554
Yes, but you're a relationship
manager, and this is a relationship!
72
00:04:20,675 --> 00:04:22,273
Well, erm...
73
00:04:22,274 --> 00:04:23,712
have you told her yet?
74
00:04:23,713 --> 00:04:28,111
Kind of. I changed my
Friendface profile from "married"
75
00:04:28,271 --> 00:04:30,869
to "it's complicated".
76
00:04:30,870 --> 00:04:33,868
That's not the same as
telling her, Mr. Reynholm.
77
00:04:33,869 --> 00:04:35,709
Yeah, but someone will
pass it on. Why not you?
78
00:04:35,710 --> 00:04:37,710
- No!
- Oh, come on!
79
00:04:37,935 --> 00:04:40,644
Please break up with my vanishing,
car cleaning wife!
80
00:04:40,669 --> 00:04:43,463
- I don't want to do it!
- I don't want to do it!
81
00:04:43,464 --> 00:04:46,663
I'll give you... I don't know...
£10,000.
82
00:04:50,421 --> 00:04:51,619
Who are you again?
83
00:04:51,620 --> 00:04:53,459
I'm Jen Barber.
84
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:57,457
I'm with the IT department
at Reynholm Industries.
85
00:04:57,578 --> 00:04:59,816
Sorry, I thought I
was meeting my husband.
86
00:04:59,817 --> 00:05:05,313
Mr. Reynholm asked me to
convey a... a message to you.
87
00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:17,767
Mrs. Reynholm.
88
00:05:17,768 --> 00:05:20,486
How long have you and
Mr. Reynholm known each other?
89
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:23,924
- About ten years.
- Ten years, ten wonderful years.
90
00:05:23,925 --> 00:05:25,924
Who are you?
91
00:05:25,925 --> 00:05:28,762
Mrs. Reynholm...
Can I call you Victoria?
92
00:05:28,763 --> 00:05:30,641
- No.
- Mrs. Reynholm.
93
00:05:30,642 --> 00:05:35,039
Sometimes there is a day
and then there is a night.
94
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:40,837
Sometimes there is a morn,
and then there is an eve.
95
00:05:40,838 --> 00:05:44,835
Flowers grow,
trees are cut down,
96
00:05:45,355 --> 00:05:48,273
babies are born, but...
97
00:05:48,274 --> 00:05:49,992
Lawyers exist.
98
00:05:50,693 --> 00:05:52,790
What are you trying to say?
99
00:05:54,031 --> 00:05:56,829
Oh, I can't do it, I just can't.
100
00:05:56,830 --> 00:05:59,148
Let me guess. My husband
wants to leave me
101
00:05:59,149 --> 00:06:03,146
and he paid you a large amount of money to
spare him the embarrassment of facing me.
102
00:06:03,507 --> 00:06:06,744
Yes, but I'm not going to
take the money... I feel sick.
103
00:06:06,745 --> 00:06:09,663
Of course you do,
you're a normal person.
104
00:06:09,664 --> 00:06:11,262
You're not upset?
105
00:06:11,263 --> 00:06:13,861
No, because I'm not
a normal person.
106
00:06:13,862 --> 00:06:16,340
You see, what you're trying
to do here but can't...
107
00:06:16,341 --> 00:06:19,339
If the tables were turned,
I wouldn't find it difficult at all.
108
00:06:19,340 --> 00:06:23,337
In fact, it's how I
met his first wife.
109
00:06:24,177 --> 00:06:26,775
I didn't know these
were edible too.
110
00:06:26,776 --> 00:06:28,773
They're not.
111
00:06:35,172 --> 00:06:36,531
What's all that?
112
00:06:36,532 --> 00:06:38,929
I have to spend the
afternoon with Douglas.
113
00:06:38,930 --> 00:06:41,888
Somehow I've been drafted
into his legal eagle fantasy.
114
00:06:41,889 --> 00:06:44,407
Have you ever spent any
serious time with that man?
115
00:06:44,408 --> 00:06:47,486
He's unbelievable! You should
hear the way he talks about women.
116
00:06:47,487 --> 00:06:51,484
Oh yeah, he's some piece of work.
He's like a sexy Hitler.
117
00:06:51,605 --> 00:06:54,602
I mean, I don't expect
to put on a pedal stool,
118
00:06:54,603 --> 00:06:56,721
but please,
show a little respect!
119
00:06:56,722 --> 00:06:58,960
I'm sorry, you don't
expect to be put on a what?
120
00:06:58,961 --> 00:07:01,039
On a pedal stool.
121
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,237
A pedal stool?
122
00:07:05,398 --> 00:07:07,436
What's a pedal stool?
123
00:07:07,437 --> 00:07:09,675
Oh, you know,
you put women on it
124
00:07:09,676 --> 00:07:11,754
when you admire them,
you know, the phrase.
125
00:07:11,755 --> 00:07:15,752
Oh yeah, the famous phrase,
"to be put on a pedal stool".
126
00:07:16,713 --> 00:07:17,951
"Pedestal"!
127
00:07:17,952 --> 00:07:18,991
What?
128
00:07:18,992 --> 00:07:20,790
"Pedestal" is the word!
129
00:07:20,791 --> 00:07:22,989
What's a "pedal stool"?!
130
00:07:22,990 --> 00:07:26,507
Did you really think there was
such a thing as a pedal stool?
131
00:07:26,508 --> 00:07:29,306
Shut up,
everyone has blind spots.
132
00:07:29,307 --> 00:07:33,264
Can you help me sort through all
this legal crap, please, Moss?
133
00:07:33,265 --> 00:07:37,022
I'd rather not. I've not had good
experiences with the legal system.
134
00:07:37,023 --> 00:07:37,902
How come?
135
00:07:37,903 --> 00:07:41,900
Well, when I was 11, I broke the
patio window, and my mother sued me.
136
00:07:42,541 --> 00:07:44,619
She sued you?
137
00:07:44,620 --> 00:07:47,178
Yeah, to teach me a lesson.
138
00:07:47,179 --> 00:07:50,616
She's always been a very
aggressive litigator.
139
00:07:50,817 --> 00:07:52,975
Can you even do that,
can you sue your children?
140
00:07:52,976 --> 00:07:56,094
It was kind of a show
trial in the kitchen.
141
00:07:56,095 --> 00:07:57,615
She made a little
gallery for the cat.
142
00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:00,252
Aw... What happened?
143
00:08:00,253 --> 00:08:02,431
She won.
144
00:08:02,532 --> 00:08:04,709
I'm still paying costs.
145
00:08:05,410 --> 00:08:07,807
"Pedal stool"!
146
00:08:11,367 --> 00:08:13,725
212 million quid!
147
00:08:13,726 --> 00:08:15,764
You can't be serious!
148
00:08:15,765 --> 00:08:17,763
Oh, we're quite serious,
Mr. Reynholm.
149
00:08:17,764 --> 00:08:21,042
But that's enough to bring
Reynholm Industries to its knees!
150
00:08:21,043 --> 00:08:24,560
Bloody blast,
this is up my arse!
151
00:08:24,561 --> 00:08:27,599
That is the amount,
it is not up for negotiation.
152
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:30,757
Balls from hell,
you shit-twins!
153
00:08:30,758 --> 00:08:31,997
Calm down, Mr. Reynholm.
154
00:08:31,998 --> 00:08:34,796
Bollocks to be telling me
to calm down, my old chap.
155
00:08:34,797 --> 00:08:38,794
She wants 220 titty million quid
and you tell me to calm down!
156
00:08:38,915 --> 00:08:40,153
You're fired.
157
00:08:40,154 --> 00:08:41,193
I'm not your lawyer.
158
00:08:41,194 --> 00:08:44,511
Piss off! I'm going
to represent myself.
159
00:08:44,512 --> 00:08:46,750
I'm not your lawyer.
160
00:08:46,751 --> 00:08:48,789
You sit there, all confident.
161
00:08:48,790 --> 00:08:52,547
Yeah? But when this goes to Court,
that's when the talking stops.
162
00:08:52,548 --> 00:08:54,346
Mr. Reynholm,
163
00:08:54,347 --> 00:08:56,745
there might actually be
more talking in Court,
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00:08:56,746 --> 00:09:00,384
this would actually be a comparatively small
amount of talking, what we're doing here.
165
00:09:00,385 --> 00:09:01,863
- Oh, I see.
- Sorry.
166
00:09:01,864 --> 00:09:05,301
No, that's all right,
it's what I pay you for.
167
00:09:05,302 --> 00:09:06,901
Look at her.
Cold as ice.
168
00:09:06,902 --> 00:09:10,899
But I tell you this, behind
those shades, she's terrified.
169
00:09:17,017 --> 00:09:19,415
One thing you should
know about me, Jen...
170
00:09:19,416 --> 00:09:22,573
When I put my mind to
something, it gets done.
171
00:09:22,574 --> 00:09:26,172
Representing myself is the
kind of challenge I relish.
172
00:09:26,173 --> 00:09:28,411
Well, you'll have to
do a lot of preparation.
173
00:09:28,412 --> 00:09:30,789
Bring it on!
174
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:55,358
What's this?
175
00:09:55,359 --> 00:09:58,756
It's my suit. I made it myself.
Took me a few days!
176
00:09:58,757 --> 00:10:01,475
How did you find time
to prepare for the trial?
177
00:10:01,476 --> 00:10:03,574
How did I what?
178
00:10:04,275 --> 00:10:07,192
Mrs. Reynholm, you say that in
the short time you were married,
179
00:10:07,193 --> 00:10:10,031
you became indispensable
to Mr. Reynholm...
180
00:10:10,032 --> 00:10:12,590
In what way were
you indispensable?
181
00:10:12,591 --> 00:10:14,389
I had to brush his teeth.
182
00:10:14,390 --> 00:10:16,828
- Really?
- Yes.
183
00:10:16,829 --> 00:10:19,467
- That's not an expression?
- No.
184
00:10:19,468 --> 00:10:20,706
You got the brush,
185
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:23,425
you applied toothpaste to it,
186
00:10:23,426 --> 00:10:26,264
you moved it into his mouth...
187
00:10:26,265 --> 00:10:30,262
and moved your
hand up and down.
188
00:10:30,663 --> 00:10:32,621
Well, if I didn't do it,
he wouldn't do it.
189
00:10:32,622 --> 00:10:35,419
Make a note... "brush teeth".
190
00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:39,058
Now, you're asking for
quite a large amount.
191
00:10:39,059 --> 00:10:40,857
I think it is an
appropriate amount.
192
00:10:40,858 --> 00:10:42,496
Bollocks.
193
00:10:42,497 --> 00:10:43,775
Mr. Reynholm.
194
00:10:43,776 --> 00:10:46,234
Yes, your honour?
195
00:10:46,335 --> 00:10:50,332
I would ask you to refrain from using
that kind of language in my courtroom.
196
00:10:50,373 --> 00:10:54,871
And which word in particular
do you object to, your honour?
197
00:10:55,811 --> 00:10:57,609
You only said one.
198
00:10:57,610 --> 00:10:58,968
Could you read it back?
199
00:10:58,969 --> 00:11:00,408
"Bollocks".
200
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:02,606
Don't read it back!
201
00:11:04,847 --> 00:11:08,004
Why do you say it is
an appropriate amount?
202
00:11:08,005 --> 00:11:10,203
Mr. Reynholm caused
me great distress.
203
00:11:10,204 --> 00:11:12,122
I'm entitled to some restitution.
204
00:11:12,123 --> 00:11:15,720
Besides, it's not as if he ever
put the money to good use.
205
00:11:15,745 --> 00:11:17,080
As the film proves.
206
00:11:17,081 --> 00:11:20,478
Your honour, may I present the
central exhibit to our case...
207
00:11:20,479 --> 00:11:22,477
It is, I'm afraid, a sex tape.
208
00:11:22,478 --> 00:11:24,576
A sex tape?
209
00:11:24,677 --> 00:11:26,775
Which one?
210
00:11:33,346 --> 00:11:37,345
The alien craft appears to
have dropped its shields.
211
00:11:37,606 --> 00:11:39,088
Thank you, Female Chekhov!
212
00:11:39,114 --> 00:11:41,424
Female Sulu,
beam their Captain aboard.
213
00:11:41,425 --> 00:11:44,543
But... Captain... are you sure?
214
00:11:44,544 --> 00:11:47,023
But she's hurt,
she may need our help.
215
00:11:47,024 --> 00:11:51,023
Jim, even if she's injured as you
say, I can't do an examination
216
00:11:51,104 --> 00:11:53,343
on a new species
without proper research.
217
00:11:53,344 --> 00:11:58,262
Dammit, Jim, I'm a sexy
doctor, not a sexy scientist!
218
00:11:58,263 --> 00:12:00,862
Female Sulu.
You have your orders.
219
00:12:00,863 --> 00:12:03,702
Perhaps the good doctor thinks
220
00:12:03,703 --> 00:12:06,702
certain alien species do not
fall under the Hippocratic oath.
221
00:12:06,703 --> 00:12:08,825
I have never refused
treatment to a patient,
222
00:12:08,851 --> 00:12:11,326
Female Spock,
and you know that!
223
00:12:17,582 --> 00:12:19,501
I think we've seen enough.
224
00:12:19,502 --> 00:12:21,840
Your Honour, I object!
225
00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:24,240
There's a brilliant bit coming up.
226
00:12:26,501 --> 00:12:30,500
Mr. Reynholm, are you ready to start
your cross-examination of Mrs. Reynholm?
227
00:12:30,941 --> 00:12:34,059
I am, your Honour,
but rest assured,
228
00:12:34,060 --> 00:12:36,339
it will be a normal examination.
229
00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:39,538
I am not in any way cross.
230
00:12:41,620 --> 00:12:44,858
You are Victoria Reynholm,
are you not?
231
00:12:44,859 --> 00:12:47,258
Mr. Reynholm, we have
already established that.
232
00:12:47,259 --> 00:12:50,498
Might I suggest that you try less
to do an impression of a lawyer
233
00:12:50,499 --> 00:12:51,868
you once saw on the television
234
00:12:51,893 --> 00:12:55,523
and make your case as
simply as you possibly can.
235
00:12:55,978 --> 00:12:59,937
Wise words, my learned lud.
236
00:12:59,938 --> 00:13:03,936
Victoria, you've spoken
about the real me,
237
00:13:04,057 --> 00:13:08,017
and I think it's time we heard
a little about the real you.
238
00:13:08,018 --> 00:13:10,297
Isn't it true, that you...
239
00:13:10,898 --> 00:13:12,996
Used to be a man?
240
00:13:15,097 --> 00:13:16,456
No.
241
00:13:16,457 --> 00:13:18,176
It isn't true, you say?
242
00:13:18,177 --> 00:13:19,896
It is untrue.
243
00:13:19,897 --> 00:13:22,495
Who am I thinking of?
244
00:13:24,296 --> 00:13:28,495
I think you mean April,
the woman you had a fight with.
245
00:13:31,336 --> 00:13:33,615
No further questions, my lud.
246
00:13:33,616 --> 00:13:36,694
What?
Your entire case rested on that?
247
00:13:36,695 --> 00:13:38,374
Yes, your Honour.
248
00:13:38,375 --> 00:13:41,055
No, wait, Mr Reynholm,
you can't leave it at that.
249
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:44,174
Your Honour, may I confer with my
relationship manager? What's up, Jen?
250
00:13:44,854 --> 00:13:48,493
You've got to request more time
to prepare a proper defence.
251
00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:51,493
Your Grace,
may I approach the bench?
252
00:13:51,494 --> 00:13:53,932
- Have you brushed your teeth?
- No.
253
00:13:53,933 --> 00:13:56,412
Then you may not.
254
00:13:56,413 --> 00:13:58,692
Your Grace,
255
00:13:58,693 --> 00:14:01,851
I need to prepare a proper defence.
256
00:14:01,852 --> 00:14:05,152
The one I just did
there was rubbish.
257
00:14:07,293 --> 00:14:10,731
Yes, he's some piece of work.
258
00:14:10,732 --> 00:14:14,051
We're all very happy
at Reynholm Industries.
259
00:14:14,052 --> 00:14:17,570
- Are you telling the truth?
- Yes.
260
00:14:17,571 --> 00:14:19,810
Then why are you
so ill-at-ease?
261
00:14:19,811 --> 00:14:22,050
Well...
262
00:14:22,051 --> 00:14:25,410
If you must know... I was in
a court myself very recently...
263
00:14:25,411 --> 00:14:27,849
This very courtroom in fact,
264
00:14:27,850 --> 00:14:31,850
where I gave testimony
against a former soldier who...
265
00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:37,329
I was having a massage and he
kissed me on my bottom, Your Honour.
266
00:14:37,370 --> 00:14:40,049
I see.
267
00:14:40,050 --> 00:14:42,489
I'm sure you can
understand my discomfort.
268
00:14:42,490 --> 00:14:44,848
Are you all right?
Can you continue?
269
00:14:44,849 --> 00:14:47,168
I can continue.
Thank you.
270
00:14:47,169 --> 00:14:52,268
The way you tell it, your employer
sounds like a paragon of virtue.
271
00:14:52,569 --> 00:14:53,868
That's right.
272
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,628
And furthermore, I would
like to say at this point
273
00:14:56,654 --> 00:14:59,672
that I think this whole
case to be a damp squid.
274
00:14:59,728 --> 00:15:02,567
Thank you,
no further questions.
275
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:05,086
Oooh! I have one more
question, your Honour.
276
00:15:05,088 --> 00:15:06,646
Yes?
277
00:15:06,647 --> 00:15:09,007
What did you say?
278
00:15:10,408 --> 00:15:11,446
What?
279
00:15:11,447 --> 00:15:14,566
What did you say the case was?
May I have it read back please?
280
00:15:14,567 --> 00:15:17,765
"I believe this entire case
to be a bit of a damp squid."
281
00:15:17,766 --> 00:15:20,125
"A damp squid?"
282
00:15:20,126 --> 00:15:22,005
What does that mean?
283
00:15:22,006 --> 00:15:25,344
Oh, Jen, it's an expression.
284
00:15:25,645 --> 00:15:28,204
It means that I believe
285
00:15:28,205 --> 00:15:31,405
that everything that's been said
in this case, everyone already knew.
286
00:15:31,406 --> 00:15:33,404
Yes, but did you say
"damp squid"?
287
00:15:33,405 --> 00:15:34,884
That's right.
288
00:15:34,885 --> 00:15:37,564
Did you not mean, "damp squib"?
289
00:15:37,565 --> 00:15:40,303
No, it's "squid".
290
00:15:40,804 --> 00:15:43,443
What's a squib?
291
00:15:43,444 --> 00:15:46,243
It's not "squid".
Squids are already damp!
292
00:15:46,244 --> 00:15:48,523
Hence the phrase!
293
00:15:48,524 --> 00:15:49,803
Your Honour! Please!
294
00:15:50,204 --> 00:15:51,762
It is "squib".
295
00:15:51,763 --> 00:15:55,163
I must say, I find it extraordinary
that you, a man in your early 30s,
296
00:15:55,164 --> 00:15:59,662
could have reached this point in your
life without knowing that it is "squib".
297
00:16:01,563 --> 00:16:04,061
- I think it's "squid".
- I have no further questions.
298
00:16:04,062 --> 00:16:06,143
- No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!
- That will be all.
299
00:16:06,144 --> 00:16:11,381
- Everyone has a blind spot!
- I said that will be all!
300
00:16:14,282 --> 00:16:17,960
Your name is Maurice Moss,
is it not?
301
00:16:24,161 --> 00:16:27,859
Your name is Maurice Moss,
is it not?
302
00:16:29,641 --> 00:16:32,439
Sorry, bit nervous...
So... Yeah...
303
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:38,279
Fizzy! It's very fizzy.
It's fizzy. Gone fizzy.
304
00:16:38,759 --> 00:16:41,558
Ow, come on!
305
00:16:41,559 --> 00:16:44,118
That's electric.
That's electric in there.
306
00:16:44,119 --> 00:16:46,878
Just got a shock.
307
00:16:46,879 --> 00:16:49,557
Your name is Maurice Moss,
is it not?
308
00:16:49,558 --> 00:16:51,478
It is not.
309
00:16:51,479 --> 00:16:54,497
Sorry, yeah, sorry, sorry.
310
00:16:55,398 --> 00:16:57,837
My mother sued me.
311
00:16:57,838 --> 00:17:00,276
Relax. Take your time.
312
00:17:00,277 --> 00:17:03,356
Try to answer the questions
as clearly as you can.
313
00:17:03,357 --> 00:17:06,056
Thank you, my love.
314
00:17:14,797 --> 00:17:18,395
Your name is Maurice Moss,
is it not?
315
00:17:20,076 --> 00:17:23,774
Chair.
It was the chair's fault.
316
00:17:46,314 --> 00:17:48,912
No further questions, my lud.
317
00:18:29,710 --> 00:18:31,149
Don't you have anything?
318
00:18:31,150 --> 00:18:34,628
She's going to take you to
the cleaners, Mr. Reynholm.
319
00:18:34,629 --> 00:18:37,429
Yup, I suppose she will.
320
00:18:43,149 --> 00:18:44,707
What's that?
321
00:18:48,108 --> 00:18:50,227
Oh, God.
322
00:18:50,228 --> 00:18:52,627
I think I may have
found our miracle.
323
00:18:56,828 --> 00:18:59,227
Can you state your
full name, please?
324
00:18:59,228 --> 00:19:02,526
Richmond Felicity Avenal.
325
00:19:07,026 --> 00:19:09,746
And you worked at Reynholm
Industries for a time?
326
00:19:09,747 --> 00:19:11,225
I did, for over four years.
327
00:19:11,226 --> 00:19:12,506
And what did you do?
328
00:19:12,507 --> 00:19:14,625
I don't know.
329
00:19:15,426 --> 00:19:16,625
Why did you leave?
330
00:19:16,626 --> 00:19:19,984
Well, my life wasn't really going
anywhere. I was part of the whole
331
00:19:19,985 --> 00:19:23,705
goth/ death metal subculture
but it wasn't making me happy.
332
00:19:23,706 --> 00:19:25,985
It was all a bit gloomy.
333
00:19:26,686 --> 00:19:30,484
It was round about that
point that I developed scurvy.
334
00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:32,903
Now that sounds unpleasant.
335
00:19:32,904 --> 00:19:36,704
On the contrary. Catching scurvy was the
best thing that ever happened to me.
336
00:19:36,705 --> 00:19:38,784
It made me take a long
hard look in the mirror.
337
00:19:38,785 --> 00:19:41,222
And I didn't like what I saw,
I can tell you that.
338
00:19:41,223 --> 00:19:44,023
Not just because my
teeth had fallen out.
339
00:19:44,024 --> 00:19:47,343
Which is why I founded
From Goth2Boss.
340
00:19:47,344 --> 00:19:49,503
Is it okay if I play a DVD?
341
00:19:49,504 --> 00:19:52,302
Does it have anything
whatsoever to do with this case?
342
00:19:52,303 --> 00:19:54,141
Not really, Your Honour.
343
00:19:54,142 --> 00:19:56,142
Then you may proceed.
344
00:19:56,143 --> 00:19:58,222
Where are you going?
Is it to the top?
345
00:19:58,223 --> 00:19:59,782
If not, why not?
346
00:19:59,783 --> 00:20:02,542
Go to the bloody top!
Is it because you're a goth?
347
00:20:02,543 --> 00:20:06,061
Did you know that goths have some of
the lowest life satisfaction levels
348
00:20:06,062 --> 00:20:09,021
of any subculture with the
exception of traffic wardens?
349
00:20:09,022 --> 00:20:11,141
That's why you don't see
any goth traffic wardens.
350
00:20:11,142 --> 00:20:13,021
That would be a
deadly combination!
351
00:20:13,022 --> 00:20:17,020
We at Goth2Boss work with goths
at various locations around the UK
352
00:20:17,021 --> 00:20:19,060
to bring out their
hidden potential...
353
00:20:19,061 --> 00:20:22,979
by encouraging them to engage
in everyday, healthy pursuits
354
00:20:22,980 --> 00:20:25,619
such as sports.
355
00:20:25,620 --> 00:20:27,739
Mixing with other humans.
356
00:20:27,740 --> 00:20:30,299
Extended laughter sessions.
357
00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:33,098
Introducing colour to your wardrobe.
358
00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:35,338
Just look at these results.
This is Debbie. She used to
359
00:20:35,339 --> 00:20:38,058
hang around railway stations
with her hands in her sleeves.
360
00:20:38,059 --> 00:20:40,298
Now she's a lifeguard in Mumbai!
361
00:20:40,299 --> 00:20:43,537
From Goth2Boss, you know it makes
sense. Unless you're not a goth,
362
00:20:43,538 --> 00:20:46,497
in which case, from
Goth2Boss. Remember the name.
363
00:20:46,498 --> 00:20:48,377
But what does that have to do with
364
00:20:48,378 --> 00:20:50,697
my divorce proceedings, m'kind fellow?
365
00:20:50,698 --> 00:20:53,137
Well, Mr. Reynholm, I'm here
to tell you that that woman
366
00:20:53,138 --> 00:20:55,436
is not Victoria Reynholm!
367
00:20:58,537 --> 00:21:00,217
Her name is Melanie Crawford,
368
00:21:00,218 --> 00:21:03,456
a former From Goth2Boss
pupil of mine!
369
00:21:03,457 --> 00:21:05,955
Sing, you canary!
370
00:21:08,977 --> 00:21:12,975
Well, during our sessions, she seemed more
interested in you than getting better.
371
00:21:13,816 --> 00:21:16,935
I don't think she ever truly
exorcised the goth within.
372
00:21:16,936 --> 00:21:19,015
Scratch away that fake tan
373
00:21:19,016 --> 00:21:23,014
and beneath you'll find
the purest white foundation!
374
00:21:24,815 --> 00:21:28,414
Yeah, that was more of
a phrase than anything.
375
00:21:28,415 --> 00:21:32,414
Oh, actually...
No sorry, that's not her!
376
00:21:33,574 --> 00:21:37,573
Oh, sorry about that.
That's not her.
377
00:21:39,373 --> 00:21:41,852
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.
378
00:21:41,853 --> 00:21:45,852
You've heard a few things over the
past few days, none of which cast me
379
00:21:46,933 --> 00:21:49,052
in a particularly favourable light.
380
00:21:49,053 --> 00:21:55,152
Stories of expensive sex tapes,
rumours of me killing my first wife.
381
00:21:55,213 --> 00:21:57,711
No. No-one's mentioned that.
382
00:22:00,932 --> 00:22:04,571
You know, there's one
thing I do want to say.
383
00:22:04,572 --> 00:22:08,571
Just one thing, that I...
384
00:22:15,011 --> 00:22:17,249
Mr. Reynholm?
385
00:22:19,150 --> 00:22:21,630
Mr. Reynholm, please.
386
00:22:24,031 --> 00:22:27,629
Mr. Reynholm, this really is the most
pathetic display I have ever seen.
387
00:22:27,850 --> 00:22:30,629
- May I say something, your Honour?
- Why not?
388
00:22:30,730 --> 00:22:33,488
Lying here,
389
00:22:33,489 --> 00:22:37,487
pretending to have a heart
attack, you see a desperate man.
390
00:22:38,289 --> 00:22:39,727
Not pretending.
391
00:22:39,728 --> 00:22:43,568
A man who has exhausted all of
his time, all of his resources,
392
00:22:43,569 --> 00:22:47,567
on an expensive trial that
has resulted in humiliation.
393
00:22:51,248 --> 00:22:55,746
But think not of him. Think of the
employees of Reynholm Industries.
394
00:22:55,767 --> 00:22:58,486
Think of the man who
was sued by his mother.
395
00:22:58,487 --> 00:23:02,486
The simpleton who thought the
phrase "damp squid" was correct.
396
00:23:03,887 --> 00:23:09,585
These are the people I want you to
consider when making your judgment.
397
00:23:10,166 --> 00:23:14,964
For Reynholm is not just the
name of this ridiculous man
398
00:23:15,086 --> 00:23:18,964
who keeps opening his eyes
whenever he thinks no-one's looking.
399
00:23:18,965 --> 00:23:24,664
Reynholm is the name of the family his
employees have found in each other.
400
00:23:26,165 --> 00:23:28,643
We are all Reynholms.
401
00:23:30,044 --> 00:23:32,924
Hurt him, and you hurt...
402
00:23:32,925 --> 00:23:34,565
Oh, all right then,
we'll take 70 million.
403
00:23:34,590 --> 00:23:36,389
Hooray!
404
00:23:39,564 --> 00:23:41,563
I'm getting oak.
31369
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