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LOUD SCREAM
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TV: "This week, the contestants
have to prove why
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"they should become Lord Sugar's
business partner."
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00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:19,880
Her eyes are terrifying.
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00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:22,160
She scared the shit out of me this
morning,
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00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:24,800
but she's completely fixed my neck.
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It was the perfect opportunity to
correct your C7 nerve compression.
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00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:31,440
I thought you were going to kill me.
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I'd never kill you, Sue.
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Aw.
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You should have told me
you were coming round
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because I'd have got some food in.
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We just wanted to say hi,
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00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:47,080
and see how things
were going with Linda.
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00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:48,520
And also...
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..it's kind of a big day.
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Renee is... I'm being awarded
my brown belt in BJJ!
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00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:59,280
Congratulations, Renee!
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00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:02,440
It's a really big deal.
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00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:05,000
It means I can start coaching
students.
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00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:07,840
And, you know, Chris even said that
I can instruct without him there.
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A-Are you still training with Chris?
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I can't stop him
teaching in the gym.
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What am I meant to do?
Change instructors?
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Wow. That's pretty controlling.
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00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:25,440
In case you're lost, Linda,
Chris is the instructor Renee
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was having an affair with.
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Oh, dear, poor Michael.
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How humiliating.
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I-I-I'm fine.
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Where is Chris now?
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I don't know. He's probably
with his family.
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With his mother and father?
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No. With his wife and kids.
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Was it just a fling for Chris?
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A bit of how's your father, a knee
trembler, a bit on the side...
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00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:49,680
J-J-Just shut up, Linda.
We've dealt with all of this.
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My family are coming to see me
get awarded my new belt
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and we're all going to go
for dinner afterwards.
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Can you come, too?
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I can't today, sorry.
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00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:01,840
Why, Sue?
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Because we're busy.
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00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:07,400
What are we doing today, Sue?
We don't do anything.
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Tomorrow, nothing.
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Thursday, nothing.
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Friday, nothing.
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We're definitely doing something.
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Don't worry. It's fine.
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I just wanted the whole family there
because it's taken me
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00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:23,920
three years to achieve this.
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Perhaps a joke would lighten
the mood. A rabbi, a Boy Scout
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00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,600
and a showgirl
are on a crashing plane...
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Do you know what?
W-We should actually be going.
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I've got a client at nine.
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Good to see you again, Sue.
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Likewise.
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I know you don't really like Renee,
but pretending you're busy...
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I'm not pretending.
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Oh, come on. Busy doing what?
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00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:57,240
You don't even have a job.
You've NEVER had a job!
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My job was raising you
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and caring for your father.
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00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,040
Renee's whole family
is going to be there.
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I just wanted you there, too.
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Because a brown belt
represents dedication,
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mastery of technique
and true leadership.
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00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:20,040
Because a brown belt represents...
Dedication. ..dedication...
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00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:24,160
..mastery...of technique
and true leadership.
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Yeah?
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Fancy thinking I don't do anything!
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What are we doing now, Sue?
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Don't know.
Might buy some sausages.
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All because I never had a job.
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My family was my job and I did it
very well, thank you very much!
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I'm not useless!
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00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,960
Hey, Eileen, are you OK?
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00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,200
Tom's got food poisoning.
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00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,360
He ate a bag of rancid potpourri,
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stupid berk. Thought
they were vegetable crisps.
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00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,920
Oh, is he OK? Yeah,
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he's just thick as shit.
He was supposed to work today
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so I could go to my Aunt Shelley's
birthday party.
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Your aunt? Yeah. She's 108.
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00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,880
I'm cancelling this taxi.
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She'll be so disappointed.
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I'm sorry.
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00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:17,920
I wish there was something
I could do.
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Well, actually, maybe I COULD help.
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LAUGHS
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I mean, um, you're injured, Sue.
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00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:29,280
It's a charity shop,
not the World Cup.
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00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,120
Have you ever worked in a shop?
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00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,440
Well, I've seen you do it
1,000 times.
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00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:38,440
Tom can do it, and
you just said he's as thick as shit.
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00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:41,400
And I've got Linda.
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Yes.
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00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:46,160
Sue, it will be like the shop
challenge on The Apprentice.
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00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,680
I can do this.
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00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:51,000
And if it works out, then I can
come and help you in the shop.
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00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,920
The lock can be a bit dicky.
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Oh, and there's a shelves
delivery at midday.
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All you've got to do is
be in the shop, really.
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OK.
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You're not going in one of those
driverless things are you?
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Course not. They're deathtraps.
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HORN TOOTS
BRAKES SQUEAL
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All right, Eileen? Yeah!
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Hi, Sue!
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00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:20,120
Hi, Brian! I didn't know you were
still a...
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00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,640
I mean, I thought you'd retired.
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Retire? No, not me.
Oh, good for you.
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Bloody good show, I say.
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Eileen, for God's sake,
wear your seat belt.
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Relax. Brian's been driving me
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around in this shit heap
for nearly 40 years.
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And I've only been
sober for the last five.
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EILEEN LAUGHS
See you, love.
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CREAKING
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Linda, I haven't had a job
since before Michael was born.
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Do you think that'll be a problem?
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Yes.
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Great.
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FALTERING GUITAR RIFF
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RIFF STARTS AGAIN
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DOOR OPENS
Hi.
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00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:29,880
Are you angry?
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00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,800
No. No, I'm not angry.
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Why can't you train
with another instructor?
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Professor.
Because Chris is brilliant.
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He came third in the Wessex Open.
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What, is that a big competition?
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00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,680
It's the Wimbledon of BJJ.
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00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:50,640
I know you've got a lot of
trust issues, but so do I.
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00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:52,800
If anything, you pushed me
into cheating
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by spending so much time away.
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00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:58,080
I was with my mum
because my dad just died!
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00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,720
We can spend all day
trying to figure out who did what.
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You had an affair.
And I ended it.
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Because I love you.
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If anything, my affair was
the best thing I ever did for us.
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00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:11,400
Oh, t...
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T-Take that down.
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00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,720
I'm a personal trainer, OK?
145
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:18,160
BJJ is where I meet my PT clients.
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More people come to class,
more clients for me.
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Chris is actually a really
sweet guy.
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A really sweet guy? After you two...
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PLAYING STOPS
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PLAYING CONTINUES
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PHONE CLICKS
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MOBILE ALERT
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SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
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That's really vulgar.
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Still coming to my presentation?
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I-I don't know.
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I'm just really busy today.
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There's nothing to be scared of.
I'm not scared of that knobhead!
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Please don't tell him I said that.
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00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,080
Shit, you're going to
tell him I said that.
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00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,760
D-Do you know what? I don't care if
you tell him.
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Please don't tell him.
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I've got to go.
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I really want you there.
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PLAYING STOPS
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Can I try the Gibson?
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Oh, what?
168
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:28,960
The vintage Gibson Super 400?
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00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,200
Do you have �13,000?
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SCOFFS
No. Then, no.
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UNDER BREATH: Loser.
Dickhead!
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DISCORDANT STRUMMING
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This job is a piece of piss.
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I don't know why Eileen was
acting like it was some big deal.
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00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:59,280
There are many, many
copies of this man's books.
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00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,440
And technically he's a giant.
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00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:05,280
Help me with this, will you?
We're clearing out the loft.
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00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:10,480
Madelaine's pregnant! We're going
to be grandparents, again,
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00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:11,960
so you know what that means.
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00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,280
It means that,
when Madelaine was ovulating,
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00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,680
a male sexual partner
ejaculated inside her vagina.
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It means more sleepovers!
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00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,440
Oh, yes, that makes sense. Ah, yes.
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00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,400
Oh! What kind of fur is this?
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00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:28,320
Now that is real silk monkey.
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00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:30,840
I'm only giving it away
because Madelaine says it makes me
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00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:32,680
look like a lady of the night.
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00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:35,120
I think Linda might look
lovely in it.
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Let's see.
190
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,760
Hmm. The monkey pelt matches my wig.
191
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:42,960
HE LAUGHS
She is wonderful, isn't she?
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00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,920
You can't buy those now you know -
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00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,360
they've been hunted to extinction.
Oh.
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00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:50,960
Sue, stand back.
There is a live firearm.
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00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,120
HE LAUGHS
Stick 'em up!
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00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:55,160
THEY BOTH LAUGH
197
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:59,400
No, that's from
when Jeffery used to smoke.
198
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:00,760
It's a cigarette lighter.
199
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,200
It is a joke.
200
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:08,080
Beautiful and funny. A real rarity.
201
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:12,240
Right then. Come on, Jeffery.
202
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,240
Thank you for the donations.
203
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:17,560
Oh! What, you're working here?
204
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:19,640
Yes, I am. Aw!
205
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:23,440
Well, I think it's terrific
that you're trying to learn
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00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,880
a new skill - at your age.
207
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:27,360
We're the same age.
208
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,560
Good job you've got your
little robot friend to help you!
209
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:32,680
Everything I touch turns to sold.
210
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:33,880
Jeffery!
211
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:39,840
Why does everybody think
I can't do this?
212
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,080
Nobody ever comes in this shop.
213
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:44,760
I'm not surprised.
214
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:50,440
Linda, come and help me.
215
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:52,920
Penny did it.
216
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,680
Michael.
217
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:00,560
GRUNTS AND STRAINS
218
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:08,280
Michael? Michael!
219
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:12,400
Hmm? Oh, sorry I can't help with the
amps.
220
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,560
I've pinched a nerve in my G8.
221
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:18,120
Look, I just want to give you a
heads up - I'm reducing your shifts.
222
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,880
Why? Well, when you left...
223
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,560
I-I didn't leave.
224
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:25,560
I had a full nervous breakdown
when my marriage fell apart.
225
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,400
Yeah, you made that very clear.
226
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,400
Anyway, I-I'm making some changes.
227
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,720
There's a new employee
starting next week.
228
00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:35,960
Mark, Mark. I really
appreciate you taking me back.
229
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,960
It's the least I could do
after you threatened me
230
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,920
with legal action
under the Mental Health Act.
231
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:41,480
Yeah, true.
232
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,640
Well, it will not happen again.
233
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:46,560
Me and Renee, we're in
a really good place now.
234
00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:48,920
Gosh, that's wonderful,
I'm really rooting for you guys.
235
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:52,080
I'm going to move the rest of the
amplifiers. Mark, Mark.
236
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,800
I know it's a big ask,
but, um,
237
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:56,560
could I finish early today?
238
00:11:56,560 --> 00:12:00,320
I don't know. If you go,
who's going to stare at the bin?
239
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,040
FORCED LAUGH
240
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:03,560
Does that mean I can?
241
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:05,920
Sure. You're the best.
Can I go NOW?
242
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,240
Honestly, it makes very little
difference
243
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:09,760
whether you're here or not.
244
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:11,080
WHISPERS: Thank you so much.
245
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:15,720
Thanks, Mark!
246
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,400
DING
247
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,160
Our first customer.
248
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,360
I suppose
I should go and speak to them.
249
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,120
Yes, Sue, you should speak to them.
250
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:38,080
Why am I so nervous?
251
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:39,880
It's not difficult.
252
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,480
According to Lord Sugar's
autobiography,
253
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,760
the best way to meet people
is to smile and ask a question.
254
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:47,200
Right.
255
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,000
Hello.
256
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,640
How much do you weigh?
257
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:03,680
What?!
258
00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:08,280
She means... Do you enjoy
the music of Tina Turner?
259
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,360
Yes, I do, actually.
260
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,200
How much is this bag?
261
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:15,920
Let me check that for you.
262
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,640
Er...shall we say �10?
263
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:24,280
�10! It's a deal!
264
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:25,520
It's a deal.
265
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:27,200
It's a deal.
266
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:28,480
I'll give you seven.
267
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,280
Eight.
268
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,200
Eight. Yes!
269
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,600
Thank you!
LAUGHS
270
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,320
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
271
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,240
Oh! That was intense.
272
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:46,240
I thought to myself, "She is
definitely going to bid seven."
273
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:49,240
So I thought, "OK, Sue, don't blink
274
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,960
"and keep your head on a swivel!"
275
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,240
Oh...
276
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:56,440
Thank you.
277
00:13:58,320 --> 00:13:59,880
Enjoy your bag.
278
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,720
Thank you. Bye.
279
00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:05,680
Linda, here's our next customer!
280
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,800
Oh, the delivery's here.
281
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,960
You look after this lovely lady,
give her everything she needs,
282
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,240
and I'll be back in a minute.
283
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,240
Hello.
284
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,280
Do you enjoy
the films of Guy Ritchie?
285
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,280
Y-Yes. Yes.
286
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:31,240
DING
287
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:36,920
Thank you very much. Thank you.
288
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:38,680
Thank you, Linda, you take that.
289
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,600
Linda, do you have the key?
290
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:50,920
I do not have the key.
291
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:53,160
I told you stay in the shop.
292
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,960
Would you feel better
if I apologised?
293
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,480
Linda, door, open.
294
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,720
BANGS DOOR
295
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,680
It is still locked.
296
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:10,120
Well, don't you have one of those
universal key things
297
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:13,000
on your finger or something?
No.
298
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:16,040
Sue, do you have your phone?
Oh, yes. Yes. I have.
299
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,240
Search locksmiths in your area.
300
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:19,480
No!
301
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:22,400
No-one need know about this.
302
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,960
There must be some way
of getting in.
303
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:28,600
It's a charity shop for God's sake,
not Alcatraz.
304
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,480
Linda, can you climb?
Yes, Sue, I can climb.
305
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:40,840
Good. I want you to climb up
that drainpipe, get through that
306
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:44,880
open window, go downstairs and
let me in through the front door.
307
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:45,920
Go!
308
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:50,840
Can you go quicker?
309
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:53,960
Eileen'll be home any minute.
310
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,680
She hates parties.
311
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:59,720
ROBOTIC AND DREARY:
# Happy birthday, dear Shelley
312
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:03,000
# Happy birthday to you. #
313
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:05,960
BANG
314
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:09,680
Warning, Sue.
315
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,040
I am descending rapidly.
316
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,320
Oh...
317
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,280
The drainpipe is now broken.
318
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:16,600
Damn it, Linda!
319
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,560
Sue, you are getting very stressed.
320
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,120
Cos you're not being any help!
321
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:23,200
Sue, I am struggling to see what
you have brought to the table.
322
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:33,840
Somebody must live on that
floor up there.
323
00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:36,040
We must be able to
get their attention.
324
00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:38,120
Grab a pebble and we...
GLASS SMASHES
325
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:39,520
Oh!
326
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:40,560
Oh!
327
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:55,520
You're here!
328
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:56,800
Of course I am.
329
00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:58,280
I told you I'm not scared.
330
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,760
But I'm not going to talk to him.
331
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,280
And I'm not going to call
him professor.
332
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,000
All right, well, you're really
early -
333
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,160
I don't get awarded
my belt until after class.
334
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,520
Yeah, I got off early.
335
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,120
Cos I-I realised
336
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,040
that I've never watched you train.
337
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:15,720
That's really unsupportive.
338
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:17,440
Are you here to keep an eye on me?
339
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:18,800
No.
340
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:20,480
Cos it's kind of sexy, if you are.
341
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,000
Really? Mmm.
342
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,760
Yes. Yes! You are MY woman!
343
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:26,160
What? Sorry.
344
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:27,640
Hey, guys.
345
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,320
Professor Chris.
346
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:30,680
So good to see you.
347
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:33,560
Professor Chris.
348
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:35,920
Please, call me Chris.
349
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:38,840
So...you're finally going to
train with us, huh?
350
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:42,160
I'd give you, like, six months free.
351
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,640
Least I can do.
For having sex with my wife?
352
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:46,840
Yeah.
353
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,080
See, Michael, I told you -
it's cool.
354
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,720
Yeah, you know, I get a good
workout in the shop.
355
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,640
Lifting amps, guitars.
356
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,040
Ah, that's a pretty sweet gig, man.
357
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,880
You know, I play a bit myself.
358
00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:00,120
Oh, what have you got?
359
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:01,920
I'm a bit of a Gibson nut.
360
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:04,600
I just splashed out on another
Super 400.
361
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:07,240
Oof. Such a rich tone.
362
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:08,800
CAR HORN BEEPS
363
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,560
Lola drives me everywhere now.
364
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,880
She knows all my phone's passcodes.
365
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,200
We're doing a lot of intimacy
rebuilding.
366
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,480
Oh, yeah. Yeah, so are we.
367
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:25,000
Are we? Yes.
368
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,160
Ah, man, you and me...
369
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,040
..we're no different.
370
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:33,160
We're men.
Nature designed us to hunt,
371
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:34,880
conquer and, if necessary...
372
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:37,360
..kill.
373
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:38,480
Right, Mike?
374
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:42,560
Yeah.
CAR HORN BLARES
375
00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:44,760
Looks like the boss wants me
to keep moving.
376
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:47,680
See you in there.
377
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,120
Oss! Oss!
378
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,600
Oh, after you.
379
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,720
Are my champions ready to sweat?!
380
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,160
ALL: Oss!
Oss!
381
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:17,600
OK, good.
382
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,600
Today is a big day.
383
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:23,720
We've got a few warriors ready
to graduate to their next belt.
384
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,600
It's a massive achievement.
385
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:28,560
But first, we train!
386
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:29,600
ALL: Oss!
387
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:32,800
Now, we're going to start with
a warm-up that focuses
388
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,200
on opening out the hips.
Can I borrow...
389
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:40,560
..Renee? This stretch is brilliant
390
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,880
for hamstring and hip mobility.
391
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,000
Renee, can you please lay down?
392
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,720
OK, can you raise your left leg?
393
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:51,440
Now we're going to scoop with our
bicep right under the hamstring.
394
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,560
Like this. And breathe out.
395
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,920
Yeah? Yeah.
It feels really good. Good.
396
00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,520
And now the other leg.
397
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:01,360
Scoop, push.
398
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,960
Good. You know,
your hips have really opened up
399
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,960
since we started working together.
Thank you.
400
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,480
OK, everyone.
401
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:14,920
HE CLAPS
Let's go!
402
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:17,280
Oh, God, here she comes.
403
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:20,520
I feel like an idiot.
404
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,200
You are not an idiot.
405
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,080
I have assessed your problem-solving
and cognitive function.
406
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:29,440
You have an IQ of between 119-122.
407
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,880
Am I a genius?
408
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:33,640
Absolutely not. Oh.
409
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,960
At the end of the day,
people have to realise,
410
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,840
if you travel,
bedbugs are the price you pay.
411
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:40,840
All right, Sue? Hiya.
412
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,760
Oh, I need some more
customer reviews.
413
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:45,520
Preferably ones above the
two stars I'm getting at the moment.
414
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,720
Would you mind?
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Lovely.
415
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,760
Oh, and don't mention I got lost
and had four pints at lunch.
416
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,160
Or that I ran out of petrol
417
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,600
and we had to walk the last 2km.
OK?
418
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:56,680
Bye, Sue.
What you doing out here?
419
00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:00,040
Got locked out.
You idiot!
420
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,880
It's all right.
I've got a spare set.
421
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,640
Don't worry.
422
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,520
At least you got the delivery.
423
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,120
Yeah.
424
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:09,600
We got the delivery,
425
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,360
and then it was stolen.
426
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:14,040
Oh.
After we broke the drainpipe.
427
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,640
Oh.
And then we smashed a window.
428
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,480
Oh. We went round the back
429
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,640
to try and break in and that's
430
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,920
when the delivery was stolen.
431
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:26,280
I take full responsibility
for the failure of this task.
432
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,200
But we did dress the window.
433
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:30,720
How was the party?
434
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,440
Oh, pretty depressing.
435
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,320
But it meant a lot to
Auntie Shelley that I showed up.
436
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:37,920
I am the only family she has left.
437
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:41,240
Sue, that is like you and Michael.
She didn't want to be alone today.
438
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,880
That is like you and Michael.
439
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:44,840
And if you can't count on family...
440
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,520
That is like you and Michael.
441
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:54,360
I-I'm sorry, Eileen, would you mind
if I left work early today?
442
00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:56,360
Only there's somewhere I need to be.
443
00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:59,320
I think it's best you go, yeah.
444
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,640
Oh, and what do you think
about me working here?
445
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:03,680
God, no!
446
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,920
APPRENTICE THEME PLAYS
You are missing out on a massive
447
00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:13,720
opportunity by firing Sue.
448
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,160
I never hired her.
449
00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:16,800
You'll regret this!
450
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:18,960
This isn't the last
you'll hear of Sue!
451
00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:22,400
Bloody robots!
452
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:24,080
OK, everyone, gather round.
453
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,920
I want us
to work on some self-defence today.
454
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:33,120
I want you to imagine
it's late at night.
455
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:36,360
You're in Tesco doing a quick shop.
456
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,120
You're buying milk, cereal...
457
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:41,600
Some potatoes?
458
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:44,200
Excellent. Well done, Renee.
459
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,280
Some basil?
460
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:47,840
No.
461
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:49,840
You're leaving the shop...
462
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:51,320
..and someone comes at you.
463
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:54,600
Elliott.
464
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:57,520
OK, Elliott,
I want you to come at me.
465
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:00,720
Tss!
466
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:03,200
Come at me like a man.
467
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:10,880
Well done, Elliott.
468
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:12,920
Great effort for your first class.
469
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:19,720
HE SCOFFS
470
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,800
You all right, Mike? Hmm?
471
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,360
Yep! Yeah!
472
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:26,760
Sounded like you said something.
473
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:27,800
Nope.
474
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:30,920
Good. OK, then. Everyone.
475
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:32,560
It just looked a bit unfair.
476
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:34,840
Because Elliott
looks like a dipshit loser?
477
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:38,680
Let me tell you something -
every person who puts on a uniform
478
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:40,840
and joins this class
has my total respect.
479
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:43,840
They're all warriors.
480
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,480
They don't sit on the sidelines.
481
00:23:56,880 --> 00:24:00,440
OK! Yes!
Everyone, welcome Michael!
482
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,480
Hi, everyone.
483
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:06,280
Hi, Chris.
It's Professor.
484
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,240
Out there, it's Chris. It's...
485
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,160
In here, it's Professor.
486
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,840
It's all right. You'll get
the hang of it! Have a seat.
487
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:21,800
OK, the basics.
488
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:26,440
Argh! Can you all see that,
no matter what he does,
489
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:28,240
he cannot break this hold?
490
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:31,040
If I exert a little more pressure...
491
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:34,720
Argh! Professor Chris,
please, that really hurts!
492
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:35,960
Really hurts.
493
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:38,920
Linda, do something.
494
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,040
What would you like me to do, Sue?
495
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:42,640
Stop him!
496
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:44,400
Yes, Sue.
497
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:47,160
Please get off Michael.
498
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,560
I will get off Michael
once he breaks this hold!
499
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:51,720
Please get off Michael.
500
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:54,040
Gun!
SCREAMING
501
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,800
It is a joke. It is a joke.
502
00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:58,880
Robots.
503
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:00,600
Taser! Taser! Taser!
504
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,160
Argh!
CRACKLING
505
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:08,120
Jeffrey said the joke is humorous
506
00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:10,240
because it appears to
be a live firearm.
507
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:11,920
This is all Jeffrey's fault.
508
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:13,680
Renee worked for years
to get this belt!
509
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:15,800
This was meant to be her day.
510
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:16,920
You could've killed him.
511
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,280
I used a low amperage.
512
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:19,640
And, I didn't need its help.
513
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:21,840
I was just about to smash his ass!
514
00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:24,960
L-Let's go, babe.
515
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,160
I'll talk to you later, Mum.
CAR CHIRPS
516
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,480
But you need to keep your robot
under control!
517
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,800
I'm still good at my job.
518
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,440
Yes, you are, Sue.
519
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:42,280
In fact, you are very good.
520
00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:43,640
Thank you, Linda.
521
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:47,640
We are talking about your job
as a mother.
522
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:49,400
That's right, Linda.
523
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,720
Not your job in the charity shop.
524
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:52,920
No.
525
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,240
Because that was
a complete shitshow.
526
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:03,840
TOY PLAYS TUNE
527
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:08,880
Wow!
528
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:15,080
We really do have
a lot of Richard Osman books.
529
00:26:15,130 --> 00:26:19,680
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